Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 398: Reviews of Diners with Jessie "Jetski" Johnson
Episode Date: July 15, 2026A cucumber is not an avocado.Watch Jet Fuel Podcast at https://www.youtube.com/@jetskijohnson and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!Go to quince.com/beachtoosandy for free shipping on ...your order and 365-day returns.For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY.For a limited time our listeners are getting a FREE full sized Mascara on their first purchase with Jones Road Beauty when they go to jonesroadbeauty.com and use code BEACHTOOSANDY at checkout.For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy. For a limited time, new Cash App customers who are parents can use our exclusive referral code FAMILY10 to earn $10. Download Cash App, enter the referral code in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14 days, and you will receive $10. Terms apply.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Beach 2, Sandy is going on tour live to read one-star reviews of your town if you live in these particular cities.
October 8th, 2026 will be in Cleveland.
October 9th, Pittsburgh.
October 24th, Nashville.
October 25th, Louisville.
What could go wrong?
Are you kidding me?
What a list.
Oh.
I was like, did something go wrong already?
Not yet.
Not yet.
If it does, it'll be energetic.
And you'll be there to witness it, right?
Go get your tickets at beach-useandy.com.
Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people
who just need the world to know what they think.
Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could.
Hello and welcome to Beach, Sandy Water, To Wet, the podcast where we
We read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.
I'm your sister host, Christine.
I'm brother host, Zandi.
Today we have a special guest with us.
We have Jesse Jetsky Johnson with us and are so delighted to have you on our show.
It's so good to be back with the fam.
It's been a while.
Alexander informed me today that he emailed you, that you were our third sibling,
and then remembered that we have a third sibling in the middle of the night and almost reply old again to say,
actually now you're our fourth sibling and then thought better of it.
And I said, I was like, I hope our little sister doesn't find out.
Or read that email.
Doesn't read that particular work email somehow.
Good thing she doesn't listen to this podcast.
I'm still safe.
Anyway, so you're the fourth sibling.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I knew.
I knew you were trouble.
We're starting our own pod.
Oh, shit.
That's the last thing anyone needs.
That's the last thing.
We knew this.
I'm sorry of you only.
Really positive.
Oh, my God.
Just what the world needs more positive.
Well, welcome to the show. And you have a podcast of your own, right?
I do. It's called Jet Fuel. And we record with the guest every Wednesday, me and squink my dog.
On YouTube and all things streaming. Well, we thought about doing some fun topics like jet skis. And then we were like, that's way too obvious. And then in the middle of the night, we came up with just another random topic. And so today we're going to cover diners, reviews of diners.
Love it. We were like, well, she's on tour. And I was like, Alex,
or we could do rental cars.
We could do like hotels.
And he's like, can we just?
I was like, why does it have to do with anything specific?
Do you have any thoughts on diners?
Are you a diner person?
I love a good diner.
I'm always looking for atmosphere because you can't mess up breakfast too bad.
Or is that famous last words?
I don't know.
I was about to say, I'm not going to sign off on that just in case.
I would.
It's like Waffle House is just as good as the nicest diner.
One time my husband did take us to breakfast and they were serving.
shrimp porridge. So that was not a good breakfast.
It was also like a 90 degree day and we walked.
Yeah. But the atmosphere.
Yeah. That atmosphere was terrible.
To be fair, though, that wasn't a diner. So I think maybe diners safer.
Yeah. So diners can't mess up breakfast food maybe is more what you want to hear.
Yeah. Yeah. Egg toast baking. Just get me at a nice table.
With the little jukebox thing too.
Yeah, with your coffee. You need the jukebox that doesn't work anymore.
Yeah, it's collecting dust. Yeah, perfect.
Good old, what the Waffle House.
I'm still on Waffle House.
Waffle House specific songs.
Have you listened to the Waffle House songs?
No, is that a thing?
Yeah, they have songs.
Like breakfast themed songs, and they're on the jukebox.
Oh.
Yeah.
I don't know they had a fucking jukeye.
I have no idea.
I probably want to swing.
I was like, have you not listen?
I just know it.
I know about it.
I don't know.
I'm vegan.
I don't even go to Waffle.
Waffle is vegan?
Not there.
Nothing at Waffle.
Waffle House is vegan.
I'm so sorry to inform you nothing at Waffle House's Vee.
I can get their hash browns.
Oh, I like.
And with veggies on top.
I like.
So look at me.
I like.
That's about it.
Yeah, I think she's into that.
It looked like she's really into that.
Yum.
That she's on pop of breakfast?
Please don't do this to me, Alexander.
That's bad.
I don't go there.
For a reason.
For a reason.
Yeah.
I understood.
You just know about the soundtrack.
I do.
But you've never heard it.
Okay.
Never heard it.
It's probably on Spotify.
People can look it up.
What am I going to do, sing it?
I don't know.
Yeah, sing it.
Yeah.
I'm a trumpet right here.
The trumpet.
The trumpet.
We've got veggies on your vegan waffles.
But they're made with milk.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's actually it.
It just triggered it in my head.
I was like, yep.
It channeled through me.
I didn't know.
Oh, it was channeled.
Oh, that makes sense.
I don't even play trumpet.
Hey, you didn't even own a trumpet before this.
This is crazy thing.
Hey, wait, you know what?
So weird, though.
Remember that guy, that politician who said he was teleported to a Waffle House?
No.
This was like, yeah, this was like news.
I mean, it was news, but like the world is so absurd that it wasn't news.
But this, like, top-ranking guy, it came out that he had, like, reportedly to the police, like, reported that he had been.
teleported through time to a Waffle House in Georgia.
Like three years ago, he said.
Just were honored.
It's like a whole thing.
No, and he was like traumatized and he like submitted this whole report and it was this whole thing.
And then he resigned.
I know.
I don't know.
Listen, I'm just telling you Waffle House.
There's something going on there.
And if you channeled that, I'm telling you there's something more.
There's as underbelly.
Yeah.
Now I'm nervous.
I am too.
You should be.
Okay.
Well, I'm just going to go into our actual show.
Oh, yeah.
We're reading reviews of diners.
Now that we're all scared.
Now that we've made the energy really bad,
less our being reviews.
Well, here's a review by Diane of Diner 24 in New York City.
One star.
Roger, please find another profession.
I walked into this diner alone at around 3.30 a.m.
on August 9, 2000.
Oh my God.
It was extremely loud, so I politely asked to be seated in another section.
The busser greeted me right away with water, which I appreciated.
However, as I sat there for about 15 minutes, I watched the waiter in my section purposely avoid me while serving other tables that had arrived after me, especially a table of five.
After about 20 minutes, I finally flagged him down and asked, who's waiting on this section?
He replied, I am.
I told him, so I've been sitting here for 20 minutes and you completely ignored me?
Once I placed my order, he never returned to check if I needed anything.
I like how she's like, you completely ignored me.
Can I please get a loaded hash round with a wall?
Place my order.
Then he never returned to check if I needed anything and continued to avoid my table.
I wonder why.
I eventually had to wave down another server to request my check and share my experience.
That server was very apologetic and sympathetic.
And I explained I would be giving my $20 tip to the buser.
I later learned the server's name is Roger.
How?
How did you learn that later?
There's more to it.
Don't worry.
This arrogant, entitled, and unprofessional individual should not be serving the public.
I have never encountered a waiter with such disregard for guests, and I hope never to witness it again.
I don't know who owns this establishment, but you should be ashamed to employ someone who treats customers this way.
I do not recommend this restaurant and will never return.
Truly disappointing.
Lastly, I ordered pasta and salmon, in which I'll give the flavor and the presentation,
10 stars. Well done.
10.
So that's the end of the review, I know.
And somehow it didn't equal out to a five.
It just was still a one-star review.
Okay.
But anyway.
There's so many problems.
So here's where it gets even...
What?
And by even more, I mean, actually kind of interesting.
This is a response from the owner.
Diane, my apologies for my nephew.
I'll take full responsibility.
Please come back.
I'll treat you like a king and be your server.
I've never lost a guest who gave us a second chance.
A king!
I mean elaborate, I guess, but okay.
Maybe.
I usually make them our best customers.
Bet I'll do the same with you.
Don't.
Together, we will abuse the brat, L-O-L.
Wait, what?
Talk about the nephew.
Say like, oh, come on in.
I'll be your server and we can abuse my nephew, King.
Hey, let's spank him together, King.
What the fuck is going on?
Nothing about this is okay.
What year was that?
2000, oh, August 9th.
The balmy evening of August today.
Wow.
Are you guys finding in these reviews that, oh, the people are clearly having, like, other issues?
We'd like to think so, you know?
We'd hope, you know, because otherwise it's like, wow, get a hobby, you know?
Yeah, because they just waited a long time.
Mm-hmm.
Like, there was not much going.
on it. But what you don't know is that
what you don't remember is that this was the most
disrespectful little brat or whatever.
Who deserves abuse or something? Who deserves to be abused
with, yeah, that by the new
king. Yeah, I wonder if the king
after reading the response was like, okay, it wasn't
that bad. Come down, we don't have to like hurt your nephew.
But you know, and a lot of people will say like
this is the worst experience of my life.
Like they'll start it off with the most
crazy statement and then give the
most boring review. And you're like, you're
life must be pretty good, you know, if this is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.
Every business should have a therapist assigned to the comment sections.
Oh, that's a novel idea.
I would talk through Diane's like abandonment issues.
Right, exactly.
Well, maybe we should just like funnel everybody directly to like some sort of therapy portal, you know, somewhere they can find the resources.
Speaking of which, this episode is sponsored by.
That would be funny.
That would be funny.
I was like, fuck, I don't know.
Have you guys ever left a one-star review?
Or let's start here.
Have you ever left a review?
I had this moment where I realized these reviews can be helpful for businesses and they get such shitty one-star reviews for shitty reasons.
So if I actually like and support a business, I should leave a review.
So I've done that like four times so far.
Four-dime.
Yeah, but yeah, yeah.
So not really.
I've left a couple five stars.
A couple were under duress.
Like they were like if you do this
Then we'll give you like 15% off or something
And I'm like okay
Yeah, all right
I did do one of those on TripAdvisor
Yeah they sometimes they're under duress
But
I've left a couple of positive ones
Yeah what about you do you ever leave a review?
I feel like my review is with my dollar
Right
I'm paying my harder and cash for the thing
Like why do I have to do the extra thing
I don't blame the business
The whole system's broken.
It's like I should be able to just get in there, spend my cash and leave.
Yeah.
Agreed.
Yeah.
I think leaving a one-star review, especially these people who do it.
I think one thing.
People say, I love this place for years, but this experience was terrible.
One-star.
It's like they never wrote a five-star review.
Yeah.
They just wrote a one-star once they had one bad experience.
That pisses me off.
So like you said, the whole system's broken.
The system's broken.
The show is all about the human condition.
So we really get into it, you know.
All right, so I have a review here.
This was sent in by Wynn, and it is a review of a diner in Milwaukee.
This is what you get served after waiting one hour for food at your downtown location.
Literal soil on the lettuce.
Nothing washed.
Restaurant busy, plus takeout and only one poor server in the whole place.
She tells me the owner is on site tonight and asks if I would like to talk to her, which of course I say yes.
Five minns goes by
And the server comes out and says
She is sorry
The owner does not want to talk to me
No problem
I stood up
Picked up the piece of lettuce
And began to yell
At everyone in the restaurant
To get their attention
Here ye hear ye
Get the trumpet
The lettuce has soils
This king
has been betrayed.
Oh my God.
Remember how they made gestures like or like they had someone eat the food to check if it was poisoned?
Oh, true.
For the king?
What was going on.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Wow.
They treated the king like a jester.
Whoa.
That's messed up.
That's so fucked off, dude.
Let's see.
Literal soil on the lettuce.
Five minutes goes by.
The owner does not want to talk to me.
No problem.
I stood up.
picked up the piece of lettuce and yelled at everyone in the restaurant to get their attention
and told them all to check their food and walked around the whole restaurant,
showing everyone at every table what they were being served.
It's crazy.
Then I walked out and two other couples followed suit.
I took the lettuce with me.
It's a pied piper with lettuce.
That's like a piepiper.
I took the lettuce with me.
And we'll be filing a complaint with public health Monday.
Hashtag health violation.
Hashtag dirty.
Hashtag filthy.
Hashtag never again.
Hashtag the works.
End of review.
And there is a photo.
Can I hashtag hashtag lettuce revolution?
Hashtag da da da da da da da da da da.
Okay.
Here's a picture of the lettuce.
I'm going to attempt to show this to you.
Oh, yeah.
It looks bad.
But going.
to every table, man, no thanks.
Like, I can't tell if it's even dirt or just brown spots.
It kind of looks like it just might be like old lettuce.
I wonder if they, I mean, I guess I could see it being like.
Like, yeah, maybe someone didn't wash the lettuce, but yeah, it is.
You're right.
They had a revolution.
You're right.
I mean, they walked, two couples walked up.
Maybe she should smoke some lettuce chill out a little bit.
Now that's some good advice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't believe they took the lettuce with them.
I can't believe they supposedly took people with them as well.
The people probably just finished paying.
Yeah, they were probably awkwardly, like, we're not part of that.
We don't, we're the lettuce thing?
No, no, no, no.
We're not part of that.
Oh, yeah, and then there was one comment, because this was a review left on Facebook,
and one comment by Bradley said, and then everyone stood up and clapped.
I just said to Alexander, oops, I forgot to eat this morning.
And, like, thankfully, I have a child to remind me a lot of times.
But, like, Zandi doesn't have a child to remind him of his meal times.
No.
And it can be hard, especially when you're hungry, and then it's dinner time.
And you're like, ah.
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It's expensive, blah, blah, blah.
Open that fridge.
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That's the best part.
I don't like leaving my apartment.
Well, who does?
Probably normal people.
And Home Chef isn't one size fits all.
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I have one.
This is of Granny's Pancake House and Grill in Hamburg, New Jersey.
That feels like a place I'd like to be.
The food is unremarkable, and I truly mean that.
They have very good cooks who make amazing different kinds of food there.
Their owner and staff, on the other hand, are very, very rude all the time,
and the staff, mainly the waitresses and two owners,
will dip their fingers and hands into your food and eat it.
What?
They do that when your food is almost done.
Your plate is just waiting for the hamburger,
but the fries are already on the plate.
They will take their fingers and eat your fries.
Or I've seen them dip their finger into people's mashed potatoes.
What?
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You can't lead with the fries.
You've got to lead with a finger in the fucking mashed potatoes.
But they're just dipping their fingers in everything.
Yucco, there's got to be something.
So far, just two potato-based dishes.
I don't know if that matters, but the owner did respond.
and said this.
Sorry about my nephew.
Do you want me to spank him?
I'm going to come over and spank him with me.
This time I hope the nephew's like four years old.
Not for the spanking purposes,
but for the dipping fingers.
Oh, the dipping fingers.
Yeah.
Sorry, that was my actual child putting his fingers.
Yeah.
The owner says,
I think you must have the wrong place.
This is slander.
All of this is untrue.
Maybe a competitor.
End of review.
See, that's a classic too.
When owners will say like,
oh, I bet.
this is just slander from a competing business.
And it's like, well, is it or is it not?
I trust a granny here.
Grandpa's bacon breakfast.
True.
Yeah.
They're actually divorced.
Oh, that could be the problem.
Open competing diners in Hamburg, New Jersey.
It's kind of like West Side Story.
Yeah.
I've never seen it.
Me neither.
Okay.
So anyway, the next one, that's not true.
I did watch it one time while I was learning how to iron.
Anyway, that's a totally different story.
Didn't you tell me you just learned that last week?
Learning how to iron.
Crazy.
I'm having sort of personal renaissance these days.
You know what I mean?
Like a lot of manic episodes are happening all at once.
Okay.
Let's get back to this.
The manic part's the fun part.
Thank you.
That's what I keep telling everyone.
Why even talk about the depression?
Why even talk about the depressive one?
It's not fun for anyone.
Nobody wants to hear about that.
Yeah.
Yeah, Hermit mode.
That's what I do.
do because I respect people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And their joy.
Sometimes I learn how to iron when I'm in one of those modes.
So maybe I was manic.
Maybe not.
We don't know.
It sounds pretty depressing.
It does, doesn't it?
Especially watching West Side Story.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
This is a review.
This was named by Mimi, she, her.
It's of Telegraph Cafe.
One star.
I never actually got to taste their food.
I ordered a Caprazi sandwich, which was described as
tomato,
mozzarella, and avocado.
When it finally came out,
I eagerly opened it,
exciting to take a bite,
because everything looked homemade and awesome,
but I noticed there was no avocado.
Instead, there was a slice of cucumber.
I went to the counter and mentioned
that the description said there was avocado,
and there was none on mine to which they replied,
the avocados were too hard,
so we replaced it with a cucumber.
Sorry.
Obviously.
At least it was a dirty-ass lettuce.
Like the only thing they share is the color.
Exactly.
Texture, taste, nothing.
Oh, don't worry.
We're going to get into it, like extensively.
Oh, goody.
I'm sorry.
I'm jumping the gun.
Yeah, don't worry.
They'll tell you all about it.
I said that it would have been nice if someone had mentioned that to me when I placed
the order as the avocado was really the draw for me ordering a $10 sandwich.
I had also had a long conversation about.
the sandwich with the cashier and which bread would go best with it.
They said, we reserve the right to change the menu at any time.
So funny.
This sounds like my home club's the comedy store.
I'm past there, so I get to work out there.
And the lineups at the very bottom, it says the lineups are subject to change.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they'll always have a big act, like the avocado of the comedy world.
You know, you get a Bill Burr who, like, drops out, or Bobby Lee, they can't make it.
that night and the audience is just like, where's my avocado?
Yeah, you got to highlight that, like, fine print, you know?
Who in the industry is the cucumber?
And I'm the cucumber.
Oh, okay.
I didn't want to say it.
We weren't going to say it.
No.
Hey, at least you're a cucumber.
We're just fucking, we're dirty lettuce.
A snow pea.
That's what I want to be.
I need to work on myself talk, I think.
Okay.
Dirty lettuce.
Okay.
Oh, God.
All right.
Yeah.
So I ordered a $10 sandwich.
Yeah.
Okay.
We have the right change of menu at any time.
I mentioned that while that may be, the chance that the menu would change wasn't mentioned
anywhere.
And they should have at least alerted me before I paid.
And when I placed the order, they said, sorry.
And I said, wow, this is extremely disappointing.
They said, sorry again, with no offer to exchange it or give me a refund or anything.
I'm sorry, but a cucumber is not an avocado.
It does not have the texture or the taste of a avocado.
an avocado. And I figured part of the $11 cost, all right, so now we're kind of uping the price,
by the way. Yeah, wait. They did say 10, but whatever. I figured part of the $11 cost was due to
avocado, which is expensive these days, where a cucumber is super inexpensive. At any rate,
it wasn't until I burst into tears. It was a long day that the owner finally said,
fine, give me the sandwich. I'll give you your money back.
That's not.
Since the tears came out.
Yeah.
That's what it took.
Took the tears.
I was on her side until the breakdown, but also.
I hear that a lot.
A lot of my friends have said that to me, too.
It's kind of weird.
Caprici doesn't have avocado, doesn't it?
No.
No.
Oh, I forgot that's what this was.
Traditionally, no.
Nor does it have cucumber, though.
And nor is it made of any bread aside from a chabata, I think.
If we're getting very technical.
If we're getting cut.
But it said a Caprizi sandwich, right?
But it also said the menu.
is subject to change at any time.
It does say that.
Actually, it doesn't say that.
Because she even says, you could have written that somewhere, which, like, you could have
written that somewhere.
It's been, like, Amacase experience in this diner.
Leave it to the ship.
Honestly, though, that could be.
Like, it's like, yeah, you just kind of get what you get.
How fun if it were not cucumber?
If it were good.
It doesn't feel very innovative.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But what do I know?
Hey, I have to try it first.
Yeah.
Um, here we go.
I, okay.
Oh, my God, you guys, you just don't even know half of it.
All right.
So, I, at any rate, it wasn't until I burst out into tears, parentheses, it had been a long day, that the owner finally said, fine, give me the sandwich.
I'll give you your money back.
Acting like it was the biggest inconvenience, she took my receipt and handed me $10.7.
Cash.
Oh, so they rounded up from $10.7 to $11.
That's exaggerating.
Which is fine, though I had paid via card and took the sandwich back.
They didn't ask if I'd like something else or anything.
It was abysmal customer service.
I strongly believe in simply being honest.
A cucumber is not an avocado.
People are crazy.
In case nobody notice.
And for someone who was super excited about an avocado.
Okay, well, that's the first I'm hearing about how excited you are about the
avocado, I guess, but whatever. Someone super excited about an avocado, as that was a main
ingredient listed, getting an unexpected cucumber was incredibly disappointing. And having the
owner assume, no offense, Jesse, I know that kind of hurts to hear.
Yeah. It's the cucumber of the comedy world. Unexpected cucumber tour coming to you this fall.
Listen, expectations are low. It's good things, right, guys?
It's incredibly disappointing.
Having the owner assume I wouldn't notice because we all eat
mozzarella and cucumber sandwiches, I guess, or care and act like it was a huge
inconvenience to her that I did notice the sandwich was not what she described, was
disappointing and hurtful.
What is the saddest part perhaps is if they had simply told me there was no avocado,
despite them being in season, according to the internet?
I really wouldn't have minded and would probably have said, no worries, leave it off,
or more likely ordered something else.
But the fact that they didn't alert me
and just expected me to be fine with this change
and act inconvenience when I noticed there was no avocado
and instead a cucumber inside was just upsetting.
I'm also a licensed New York City tour guide.
Jesus, where are we going?
This is the revenge part.
I know it's happening.
She's like, I got it.
I know what's going on.
I know exactly where she's going with it.
You're channeling all this stuff.
You are channeling.
It's creeping me out, dude.
Guess what's off the tour.
Oh, my God.
Channel the whole tour.
Don't even just sit there.
It's never being recommended to anybody in the city.
I think you're right.
I'm also a licensed New York City Tour Guide who does city tours and food tours.
So I was excited to have a place to send customers when the line at City Bakery got too long.
By the way, bullshit.
No, you weren't.
You were not.
But knowing they are not up front and honest.
And we're so weird when I showed them their faulty product was as described means I cannot in good faith ever recommend this to anyone.
And in fact, we'll tell all my clients to stay away.
She turned to the dark side, dude.
Wow, it was.
It was sinister.
I mean, diabolical, really.
Yeah.
The food look good.
But come on, you can't describe.
I mean, still going.
Like, we're still going.
It's a new paragraph.
I'm so sorry.
She did put a little like, the food did look good.
I know, right?
Then they backtrack.
And you're like, hang on a second.
Like, commit to the bit.
Yes.
The food look good, but come on, you can't describe a sandwich one way.
I feel like she's up late night, ruminating on this and just, like, keeps waffling back and forth.
And, like, editing the review.
And editing the review.
She keeps seeing cucumbers everywhere.
Oh, my God.
It's so traumatizing.
The food looked good, but come on, you can't describe a sandwich one way and deliver something
else and then act inconvenienced and be so unaccommodating when the customer points out that
their caprazy sandwich, which is supposed to be mozzarella, tomato, and avocomolea.
has no avocado in it.
It also makes me wonder, as I have known people who work in coffee shops,
if they're being dishonest about their other products.
Sure, this is decaf when the barista is actually maybe not sure which cup is decaf or not.
It's a slippery slope.
Sure, this is skim milk.
Sure, this is soy milk.
I don't even know if I can trust myself anymore.
My God, what is reality even anymore?
And this person's reality, a Caprazi salad,
What is avocado instead of basil?
Is that what?
I'm so confused.
They really think it's tomato,
mozzarella, and avocado.
Yeah, but basil is the, you're right.
It is basil and vinegar.
That's the reality they live in.
They live in a crazy town.
Everyone's wrong in this story.
Everyone's wrong and they don't even realize it.
Sure, this is soy milk.
We reserve the right to change your order last minute.
I mean, these are the haunting dreams she's having.
You're right.
Like, she's having haunting dreams of cucumbers, of soy milk, of.
Full existential crisis.
A full mental breakdown, for sure.
Wait until she finds out what the Matrix is.
Oh.
I can't let that happen.
Okay, also I want to add, like, remember what she said earlier about I have known people who work in coffee shops, right?
Now, listen to this sentence.
My barista friends have described, and I'm like, that was two sentences ago.
You said you knew people, you have known people in a coffee shop.
My barista friends have described being pressured to do just this by owners of small coffee shops.
So if they do something like exchange avocado for a cucumber and explain they reserve the right to change the menu at any point,
just makes you wonder what else they're being less up front about.
I hate to write such a scathing review and I usually make a point to write only positive reviews.
But this was an incredibly disappointing experience and it all could have been made better by a little more friendly or honest service.
This is sick, man.
She's been radicalized.
I want to get in her head now.
Teach her about the Luminati.
Oh, my God.
No, you can't do this.
See, this is what you can't.
I know you want access to like all these people because you're like, I want to
therapies them.
But like you're taking on a lot of clients already.
We've read two reviews and you've already taken on two clients.
You've got to be a little more discerning.
I just feel like I could lean in and be like, you think that's cucumber you're eating.
Whoa.
I do love that they think they were so sinister to do that.
that as if they wouldn't notice?
Like who, but they would know.
I don't think they care.
I don't know.
No, I don't think anybody really care.
As if they'd be like, oh, let's pass this off.
Hopefully they won't notice it's cucumber instead of avocado.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's put rat poison in it too.
That's next.
Because we deserve to change the menu anytime we want.
Hey, I have a idea.
Let's make the bread pancakes.
Oh, now you're getting a little wild.
That's a good idea, though.
Oh, shit.
I would have just taken the cucumbers out and eaten.
I love cucumbers.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
I would have been like, well, that's annoying.
And then I would have just eaten it anyway.
I've got a flat soda once and it took me pretty much half the dinner to get the courage to ask for a different soda.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's taken me years and I still haven't asked.
If my child designed her own debit card, it would change every single day.
But today it would probably be no, rain purple glitter.
rainbow mermaids.
Good taste. I think so.
I feel like that's, that's,
I feel like that alone I will allow.
However, you know,
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I think it's under the table, but it's okay.
It was a really great hairdo.
And she has been doing a lot on my hair.
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Are you too familiar with a garbage plate from Rochester, New York?
Oh, yeah, I've been there.
Oh, my gosh.
I just comedy at the Carlson.
It's an amazing club.
And I played there and I literally was just wearing the sweater they gave me from the club.
It's like the owners are so nice and the people there are, they're really cool people.
And the town is so quaint.
But everybody was like, you got to get a garbage plate.
Did you?
Did you?
No, I was only there for a quick stop, so it was hard to explore.
But when I go back, and I hope to go back then, I'll get a garbage plate.
I feel like the venue needs to like do that for visiting.
You know how sometimes a venue will be like, here's our like local thing.
It's a lot though.
It's, it's an undertaking, I think.
You know what?
I don't think I could eat one and then perform.
Yeah, well, she has really high expectations of venues to like.
I tell them.
Like what venue is making?
making you like a local...
17-layer cake.
I was like, we've toured before.
I left for a fruit platter, man.
I know.
Sometimes I ask for water, and then they're like,
don't be ridiculous.
And I'm like, oh, okay.
Or a bathroom, you know?
Sometimes that'd be nice.
Access to one.
Anyway.
We'll take that conversation off air.
Okay, go on.
This is of a place in Rochester, New York.
One star, some diner.
Here it's it.
Here we go.
I heard famous Rochester garbage plate.
I don't eat red meat.
I ordered fish chips with fries.
Okay.
Hold on.
So there's a garbage plate made of fish now.
No, I don't think.
It's like a lot of food.
Yeah, maybe you should explain garbage plate first.
Yeah, can you explain a garbage plate again?
Hot dog or hamburger meat, hot meat sauce, and other condiments
piled atop a variety of side dishes, typically including macaroni salad and home fries.
Okay.
Usually served with a side of buttered bread.
Jesus Christ.
It's a lot more than I remember.
Well, you need a carrier.
Well, thank you.
Yeah.
So I'll start this one over now with that in mind.
Now that we know.
One star.
I heard famous Rochester garbage plate.
I don't eat red meat.
I ordered fish chips with fries.
They put hamburger meat on top of fish chips that grossed me out and threw them trash.
What a waste my dinner, little fucker.
Oh!
What a waste my dinner, little fucker?
Mm-hmm.
Listen, you threw in the trash.
It's called a garbage plate.
What more do you want?
What do you want?
Read the room.
He wanted a plate.
Yeah.
Oh.
Wow.
Without the fish, chips, fries.
And red meat.
I love that they just put red meat all over.
Wait, did they say red meat on top of the...
Yeah.
Because I guess that's the base of it.
That's hilarious.
I'll order fish and chips.
They're like, here's your red...
Garbage plate.
With red meat on fun.
Here's your ground beef on top of it.
It's Friday.
in Lent. I can't eat this.
It's Friday in Lent.
I got to see if I can show you guys this.
Let's see if she...
What's happening.
Hello.
What a baby.
Hello, Brady baby.
Hello.
Those ears.
Oh, my...
Okay, that's right.
That was a good moment.
I'm just looking at her whole bottom.
Like, I got to show them there.
I want a soothing view like that, please.
I would love a soothing view like that.
Yeah, I'm looking around.
My dog's unaware in sight.
He's not soothing anyway.
He's just loud.
He's anxious.
Can't look at him without feeling anxious.
Yeah, he's too anxious because then he looks at you and he's like, what?
I'm like, what?
Anyway, okay.
It's weird.
It's like he's reflecting me or something.
Anyway, okay.
All right, so I have one here.
This was sent in by Marti, they, them.
And this is of a place with an unfortunate name, in my opinion, called Steakn-Eager.
What?
This is fake.
This has to be fake.
Okay.
Steak and eggs.
I'm going to call it now.
In Muskegon, Michigan.
I'm going to make my own name, you know?
I reserve the right to change the name of this restaurant at any time, and I'm going to do that.
Okay.
Here we go.
One start.
Went there today for my birthday and was served not one, but two plates full of hair.
Is that it?
Yeah.
Oh, dear God.
Sorry, end of review.
That's it?
That's it.
But what did they order?
It might have been hair.
Yeah.
This is also part of the problem we face a lot, which is like we want more details, despite that we kind of don't.
But sometimes we want more detail.
And it's like there's none to be found.
Because it's obvious there is, but they won't say it.
So sometimes though, when the owner does respond, they provide a story.
And it's like, oh, that all tracks.
Because so many people say, oh, the police were called on me.
It was ridiculous.
And then the owner will be like, you assaulted multiple people and flashed a gun.
And called the police yourself.
Like, you called the.
911, yeah.
That happens all the time.
Oh, that was a Waffle House review, actually, that we read.
Yeah, at the comedy story, like, people get drunk, and then they call the police thinking
that they'll get justice, but then the police end up arresting them.
Or like, you're at a business.
You can't fucking, like, yeah, exactly, exactly.
We see that a lot.
That happens at a lot of Waffle Houses and, I guess, comic clubs.
I was going to say, we don't see it in person.
No, right, yeah.
Not in, mostly on the internet when we're doing this, this kind of work, yes.
People.
I have a little game.
I think it's time for our game.
Okay.
You two are going to play a game where you have to guess if this is a review of a diner or of a drive-in or a dive.
I don't know the difference between those days.
I know.
I don't do that.
But it's a diner or a Michelin-Star Restaurant are your two options for these reviews.
I have four of them.
One-star review to begin.
Careless service and unhymed.
Dienic dining environment.
The candle burnt my hair due to the server's mistake.
Oh my God, but it ended up in that lady's plate.
Holy shit.
But at least it was cooked.
Yummy.
Okay, wow.
Do we think Michelin or do we think I'm very bad at Alexander's games?
I would think Michelin just from the candle clue.
Well, that's a great point.
Okay, I'm going to go.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to go.
Good question.
I will say.
Maybe grandma's.
Every Valentine's Day, I don't know if they do it anymore, but I know a friend of mine did this.
You can go to White Castle and they put tablecloths on the tables and you can get a reservation to spend Valentine's Day with a date at White Castle.
And they serve you at your table.
Somehow I still don't think that they pay for the fire license to have real candlelight in that Waffle House.
You know, I can't confirm if there were candles on those tables.
I just feel like you're right, the Michelin, because to have a can.
Like to have a candle, a lit flame, like I'm assuming there has to be, it's a mission.
Yeah, and I feel like you brought up that White Castle story to try to lead us astray.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is why I'm so bad at the games.
I need someone to be like pointing out his behavior, his patterns.
Or it is White Castle and he's trying to help us.
No, no, no, no.
I'm never trying to help you.
Clue.
Clue number one is never trying to help you.
I sometimes do use reverse psychology.
Okay.
So I think it's a Michelin's.
I think your first instinct was right.
I think it's a Michelin Star.
It is.
It is Le Cuckoo.
Oh, wow.
In New York City.
You could have probably told us the name of it.
We could not have guessed if that was a...
C-O-U-C-U.
I don't know.
Le C-O-C-U.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Shout out.
La Cuckoo.
Le Coooo.
And then they complained about dripped wax all over their table.
Stop putting your fucking hair in it.
But there was like a huge.
huge, like I get it for some aesthetic, somehow like a little wet.
It was a huge clump of wax just sitting there on the table.
Oh, they're doing it like for like the effect.
They better be.
I don't think they forgot.
I hope they didn't just forget this Campbell.
They're very careless with this like open flame law that I've invented that the restaurant needs.
Yeah.
Mayor, Mayor Mamdani is going to stop all of this.
Nonsense.
He's going to finally step up.
He's going to be like, no more fucking flames in Le Cuckoo.
I think he really needs to focus on his priorities.
Agreed.
Yeah.
He's been doing too much for the community.
They're all over the place.
That doesn't relate to Michelin Star Restaurants, yeah.
Here's my second one.
But I'm not safe in Lukuku.
Where am I safe?
You know what I mean?
That's what I always say.
What?
You always say that.
I know.
It's annoying, isn't it?
I say so much.
Have either of you eaten at a Michelin Star restaurant?
I haven't.
I don't know.
I have.
You don't.
Okay.
I think, I don't know if that's worse, saying you don't know.
You would know.
Oh.
I think you would know.
I went, well, when I, I went on that podcast called Bad Friends with Bobby Lee and Santino.
And it was a few years ago and they found out I'd never been.
And so they took me.
And then I, over the years, I made friends with, her name's Margarita.
And she, her and her husband own all these Michelin Star restaurants.
They're called Scratch restaurants.
Oh, my God.
Amazing. They are, that's where I learned what Omicasse is. Oh my God. When I said that earlier.
Yeah, I was like, you pulled that out of nowhere. Yeah, over my head. And then you explained what it was.
And even though I was already pretending I knew, it's great. You handle it great.
You handle it great. They use sushi by scratch and it's like 18 course. Like each course is one piece.
And they leave it to their chef and they're amazing. Pasta bar by scratch. They're incredible.
There is a vegan, I think it still has a Michelin Star restaurant in New York that I've,
always wanted to go to if I had like the money and a reason.
It hasn't happened yet, but one day.
I thought that place closed.
It probably closed.
There was a different, a lot of vegan places closed.
Yeah.
Who the fuck wants to go to a vegan restaurant other than me?
A lot of these restaurants too will, like when you make the reservation, they'll ask your
dietary needs first.
So they couldn't special cater towards if you are vegan or.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That would be worth doing.
Yeah.
I wonder if you could ask them about the candle situation and we could get some clarity on that.
I should have called all of these places.
Diner's included.
Just gotten a little more info.
We talk about doing stuff like that, but...
Maybe if we had someone like you on our team who could actually like have the guts to make a phone call.
Yeah, I'm like, I don't like, even though I have a podcast, I don't like being perceived.
No, no.
So I don't want them to know that this is...
Do it's for the Patreon or something.
Oh, true.
I can't even do it for them.
Yeah, no.
Then don't do it.
I can't do it for them.
I need to find someone.
I need to outsource that behavior.
Promise your viewers, you'll do it.
And then when they click on the video,
have it just a video, an hour of a cucumber.
It'll be you, your stand-ups.
It's not out yet.
And then it's a ticker-taper at the bottom that line up subject to change.
Yes.
We reserve the right to change the menu at any time.
Everyone's watching waiting for it to change and it doesn't change and they're disappointed.
Just the cucumber.
You're like, where's my avocado?
But if I even make one fan from that, it's worth it.
Honestly, beautiful.
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I wore this beautiful necklace yesterday and I got several compliments on it.
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You are a dormant.
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You're not a dormant.
I'm glad you got your own, though.
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I'm proud of you.
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Yeah, and it's like they have, it's so much more affordable.
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This week on For the Haders, a podcast around the stories that we survive,
the world has been watching Kale for half of her life.
And it never got the beginning.
The cameras showed up at 16.
Everything that built her happened before they ever started rolling.
This is her story before anyone was watching.
Part one of Kale's story is out now on For the Haters.
Listen to it wherever you get your podcast.
Here is another one, one star.
My name is Karen. I have a complaint.
After I pulled up my karky trouser, I walked in this.
establishment. I was placed on the dirtiest table with the dirtiest cutlery. I asked to speak to the
manager and he was the rudest man I've ever dealt with. Roger? I'll be back. End of review.
My nephew, Roger? Okay, this is either a diner or a Michelin Star restaurant, true.
Why did it so Terminator? I'll be back. I don't know. Yeah, true. Maybe to beat the little
threatening, you know, they need to add a threat in there. Maybe they're also a New York City tour guide.
They have no choice. They're going to add it to the list of no.
goes.
Or they work there.
They got all the dirty cutlery because they were supposed to clean it.
I doubt that that's the case.
Stop trying to mess with my head.
It is weird to be like everything was so horrible.
I'll be back.
Super weird.
But like you, especially if it, but you wouldn't go.
I'm saying diner.
Yeah.
There's no way.
Yeah.
This is a restaurant Gordon Ramsey in London, England.
So it is a Michelin Star restaurant.
Oh, my.
Yeah.
Oh, my.
Controversy.
In a British accent.
Yeah.
In a really loud, mean voice.
I actually can't, but I'm going to...
No, God, hold on.
Is he British?
Someone tell me how to...
He is, right?
Me?
No.
I'm like, why would anyone...
Why would you think that?
What is it about me, like...
Is my brother British?
I forget.
No, Gordon Ramsey.
Yes.
See, I thought that was a sillier question,
but it's because I watch a lot of kitchen nightmares on YouTube.
He does watch a lot of kitchen nightmares.
He probably got the voice.
Staren.
Wait, channel.
You don't have to try.
You just channel like she did.
I don't know how.
I haven't watched it in at least a week.
Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
Give me a little taste of a British accent.
Top of the morning to you.
Top of the morning.
That's Irish.
Everybody stop.
That's a lepricon.
What are you talking about?
You are.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
That might be more.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I can, I don't know.
I really don't think I can do it.
Hock the car.
That's bastard.
Aripott.
Aripottor.
Carque trouser.
So is that a khaki trouser?
I don't know.
They wrote K-R-A-R-K-K.
You know what?
When you read it, I also was going to stop you, but I didn't want to interrupt and ask what that is.
And I think maybe if we had found out that was kind of a British thing, we would have put it together.
It was Michelin.
You know what?
We didn't get the full story.
Yeah, I did say the word trouser.
there. Sometimes, sometimes I would
edit something like that out. Trouser
should have given me a good clue, I guess.
Next time there's a hint like that in the
two stories, can you wink so we know the thing?
When I say, trouser.
Yeah, I'll watch that. I've used that before. I actually don't want you
to say trouser and winked actually. That's not something I'd like.
What's another word they like?
Fanny. Oh, that's not one I should wink about.
No, that's not right. Crumpet.
Crumpet.
Fanny.
Fanny.
Oh, they say ice lolly.
Oh, I don't like that.
And they say snogging.
Don't say snogging.
What is it?
That's making out.
Snogging.
Snogging.
I can't do a British accent.
I know.
Stop doing it.
I'm trying.
Oh, is it my turn?
No, we're in the game still.
Oh, right.
We've only done two.
Here's another one.
We're winning the game, though, right?
It's, you have a 50%, so not really.
Wait, wait, wait.
What was that?
Oh, no, mind.
It's like Gordon Ramsey Diner.
I thought we were winning.
Here's the third. One star.
Food tasted spoiled. I ordered risotto with salmon.
Was afraid to eat it from the way the salmon smelled.
Also ordered a mojito. The orange juice tastes stale.
Was not pleased with the customer service, but the bartender was very cool and understanding.
End of review.
Okay. So risotto, salmon, it sounds Michelin, but bartender sounds diner.
I don't know what Michelin star restaurant you're going to where you're going to the bar.
I don't like anything.
of this because remember earlier he read a review where this person, the Roger review famously,
they ordered salmon.
And I was disturbed by that.
I remember thinking who orders salmon at a diner.
So part of me wonders, is this another trickery?
I'm thinking diner.
Me too.
This is the TikTok diner.
Nailed it.
Good job.
Good job.
The TikTok diner.
Yeah.
Not like that.
The cuckoo diner.
Yeah.
Le cuckoo.
Le Cuckoo.
Le Tic-Doc.
Le Gordon Ramsey.
She told me the right answer.
Look at.
She knew it.
Cheater.
You do a pot?
Oh, don't she'd.
It's not a nice word.
Like, it's a diner.
What an angel.
I can tell.
She's like, I wrote the review, actually.
I've eaten that salmon risotto before.
Yeah, it's trash.
Okay, I have one more in my game.
Here we go.
One star.
Got turned away because we noticed a rat crawling across the floor, and we're immediately called liars.
worst experience ever.
Hostess extremely rude, never will return.
End of review.
I think that's Michelin Star, because if you see a rat in a diner,
they'll be like, yeah, sorry, not that.
They'll be like, we reserve the right to do that.
Yeah, they're like, that's Josh.
Yeah, we're aware of the right.
But Michigan, one Star, they're going to deny, deny, deny.
Deny, deny, deny.
Yeah, okay, I'm going to go with you.
They don't want to lose that star.
It's a lot of pressure to have this.
You're right.
You're right.
Okay, I'm going to go Michelin then.
too. It is a Michelin Star restaurant. Wow, good job. The Ivy. The Ivy. Well done. Well done. No rats. The Ivy. That might have been the best score yet. Yeah, you were really good at this game. Three out of four. I'm hungry. I've never won a game of this kind. Yeah, I still don't think you won. You didn't really come up with any of those answers. No, I didn't win, but I'm saying like, I'm just like. She emailed me the answers beforehand. I wish I fucking had the answers. You technically have access to my notes. That would be pretty fucked up, though, if you went in my notes and cheated.
That would be crazy because...
It would be.
And really lame.
We're also too, like, good about rules and games.
I don't think we'd do that.
I think you'd kill me, so I don't think I would do that.
Yeah, I wouldn't like that at all.
That would maybe be one of the worst things you could do to me,
is cheat at this game that I made.
Whoa.
Okay, you sounded like some of these reviewers.
Thank you.
See, we need a mediator.
This is all starting to work out.
It's, like, at the end of the episode,
So it's just rubbing off on me all of that.
I had to channel a little bit of it.
Oh, channeling.
Oh, my God.
It's happening to me now, too.
It's too much.
Spreading.
It's spreading.
From one third eye to another.
Oh, don't.
He does literally have a tumor on his pituitary glance.
This is like three episodes in a row you brought up PD one.
It feels like it at this point.
Ooh, you better get that checked out then because I'm pretty safe.
Yeah, I've never gotten it checked out.
I just know it's there.
Okay.
That sounds awesome.
Is it like lean?
is it like pushing out juices, you know?
Because that's all the good stuff is.
That manliness, it's all the testosterone.
Can you see his aura?
It's like pumping in.
I'm just getting, oh.
Well, that's why he's.
Well, that's why he's.
He's, that hasn't, that hasn't hit me yet.
But maybe it has.
That's the chemical when you're born and when you die and when you dream is all in your
penal gland.
What if I'm experiencing that like last vision of death?
Isn't it?
You're in hell.
This is my life.
But it's the second time I've.
gone through it because I'm actually dying.
Don't smoke.
We all are, right?
Stop it.
Both of you stop it right now.
I feel like that is what's going on.
It's 99 to group.
What's her name at the beginning who needs to know about the Matrix?
She needs to know this.
Diane.
Diane.
Whoa.
Okay, I'll send you her contact information later.
You can do a channeled reading for her.
Wow, what a time.
Yeah, this was so fun.
Thank you for joining us.
This was like just so much fun.
Thanks for having me.
It was a lot of fun.
I've never had a channeler.
A real life is medium.
Oh, maybe.
Maybe.
Could be.
Yeah, you're on tour right now.
What else is like what's going on?
Where are you going?
I'm on tour.
I'm going to Bakersfield.
My headlining shows, I'm doing a lot of shows in Florida.
If you're in Florida at all, check out my website, Jetsky Johnson.com, doing like five cities there.
And then Denver, Nashville, Vegas.
I'm going to all throughout the last part of the year.
So please get tickets.
I bring my trumpet on stage.
I have a whole pedal board set up.
I loop and pedal.
I do the stand-up.
I do the music.
It's so fun.
And follow on social.
That's where we were watching you earlier.
Jet Ski Johnson is my handle and you can find me there.
Jet Fuel is my podcast.
And thank you guys so much for having me on.
This is so fun.
Yeah.
Thanks for being here.
Are you coming to Ohio?
Oh, yeah.
Or have you been to Ohio?
I love Ohio.
The audiences, they're great.
Yay.
Yeah.
So if you're ever in our neck of the woods, yeah, let us know.
I will be back there and I'll for sure we'll hate you up.
That would be great.
Nice.
Sounds good.
Thanks for being here.
Thanks, guys.
Beach 2 Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheever.
The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees-W-Sendl of VW Sound.
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