Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 399: Reviews of Running Shoes

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

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Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Beach 2, Sandy Water, Too Wet, a podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Zandi. Hey, I'm your sister host, Christine, and we come from a very cultured family. We're siblings. It's the whole thing.

I need to be put in my place, even though I'm older. So, okay, we have some things to say. We're very excited about them. The main one being, we are. going on tour again in October, fall. It's an autumnal tour. We're going to come up with... I'm going to say autistic.

And I was like, hell yeah. Hold on. It's an autism tour. Write that down. Oh my God. It's a charity fund run race for the cure. Okay. Atomal, yeah, it's our autumnal tour.

We'll come up with a club. Well, listen, it could be like, if we were doing, we could do midsummer, next summer, we could do like fall solstice. Just whatever season, we just have. happen to be doing. Yeah, we'll make up a holiday like, um. No, thanks. Okay.

So we're going to be in four cities that feels like important. I feel like that sort of. It's only four. It feels like a gate of some kind. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to talk. We will be in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Nashville, and Louisville. And those dates are October 8th, 9th, 24th, and 25th.

Go get your tickets at p.gutshundee.com. Yeah. All right. Today's theme. Today's theme. Oh, we'll be reading one star views. of your town. If you're wondering like what it's like, it's basically just the magic you see here, but right in front of your very eyes. We picked four towns that we thought would have the most

horrible reviews, especially Cleveland. Yeah. And we've never been to Cleveland for the show. I was like, that's a big lie. Oh, I've left many one-star reviews from Cleveland. You left a trail of them the last time I heard. A whole snail trail. Carmen San Diego is on the case. Do you know what mom said to me the other day? No. Out of nowhere. I was sleeping at her house and I was already like I don't really want to You're in a heightened state at that point. I'm already in a heightened state. I'm already so disregulated.

I'm in fight or flight. And she goes, you know who I hate? Carmen San Diego. And I spit my water out. First of all, how is any of your business who Carmen San Diego is? You don't know who like the Sims probably. But she was like, I hate Carmen San Diego. And she said, I could never get it off that damn computer.

And I was like, that was a different CD-ROM. And she was like, oh, yeah. But I was like, so you've just held this grudge. And it just came out of nowhere. And it seems like it ended very quickly. Well, I don't think it's over. I think how can you just let it go that easily? She's got to now build a whole new backstory as to why she hates Carmen San Diego.

Okay. Yeah. And that'll be a beautiful unfolding. We'll keep you posted as that happens. So I have something about the 400th episode. The 400th episode, both are true because it is coming later. And by later, I mean next week. The long-awaited 400th episode is upon us.

And we all know what that means. I don't know. You told me you had something to say about it because I brought it up before we recorded. Yeah. So our 400th episode is next week. We didn't plan anything. I tried to be glib and make a fun joke about it. But I feel that instead, well, when my brother, my brother met at 420, they felt such pressure. They skipped 420 and said we can come back to it. Okay. I have no interest in coming back to 400. No offense to 400. Oh, wait, but we do have 420 coming up. So that's nice. Yes, we do. 400 could be like an introductory to 420. It could be like an advent calendar to 420. What the fuck does that mean?

We count down the days, the weeks. Until 420. So we have 20 Advent calendar doors we open and what, find weed? Okay. Twist my arm. I'm in. Where's the fucking problem? Well, my thinking was I am way too depressed to care about the 400th episode right now.

Right. Which is sad. But thankfully, the mental illness means an unhinged product. True. You don't know what's going to have. You can't tell already people. Hey, I love this episode. So it's the long-of-way to 400th episode that none of us know, but it's going to be,

it's not long-awaited, first of all. And it's a mystery to us all. Anyway, running shoes. Yeah, this is cool. Guys, super cool. Running shoes are cool. Yeah. I'll go ahead if that's okay.

Please. Because I have a review here of Avia men's 5,000 athletic running sneakers wide width available. Okay. This is on Walmart.com and this is a one-star review. I ordered a size 11 and a half. What I got was a size 13. They don't even sound alike. Apparently, some of the morons haven't learned how to count yet.

End of review. They have, you know, those shoe tracker things? They're like 11. It's like an abacus for people who work at the shoe store. A shoe abacus. Okay, yeah. Yeah. I think that's that.

Weirdly, I mean, you slide something, so I'm going to say absolutely. Thank you. It's like a shoe length calculator. You know, it really threw me off, actually, when you read that review, because I've a review about an 11-and-a-half-sized shoe, and I thought we had the same one. So for a moment, I was, like, expecting a different outcome. And then, so I'm actually going to pull up the one I have about an 11. Well, what's funny, I haven't finished. Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, just a little note. At the bottom, it says shoe size 13, which is what the person got. So it kind of makes me think they... No, that's probably the product they received. Yeah, but like, why would it be in their system as being size 13? Like as their profile? They said they ordered 11.5. Maybe they haven't quite mastered the shoe abacus yet.

True. Okay. This is from Julia She-Her, and it's of a sport check store in a downtown mall in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. It's a Canadian sports apparel chain, says Julia. One star by Macy. Went in for an 11.5-sized shoes. Employees tried to help out, but manager came in all offended saying, no retail store has ever had shoes that big.

So one year's different way. Oh, no. I was surprised. He says they've never existed. What? He's like the gaslighting that final boss. I mean, in my head, they must do. Do they do something different in Canada?

Oh. Don't. Oh, it's the famous Vancouver system. Oh, yes. Employees tried to help out, but manager came in all offended saying no retail store has ever had shoes that big. They've never existed. That's a crazy thing to say. This is also how we would argue as kids.

Yeah, oh, yeah, as kids, when you finished it, I was like, yeah, but at the start I was like, when? No, no, no, but like as kids, like, it never even was real. which is weird because I've been buying that size for years. Went down the street and found a pair, no problem. Definitely a weird vibe there. Won't be going back for anything. End of view. That's curious.

It's curious. What the hell? I don't wish I had seen it because that sounds hilarious. I wish I were an employee because it's like, oh, here comes our manager. Like, you know he's not going to handle this. Like, he's going to fly off the fucking handle about this. Maybe it's like he doesn't like the half-sizing and he's just not. I guess, but like,

that big kind of like I wonder. I kind of doubt it's like 11's a cutoff. Do you think like that they looked at their feet and was like, oh my God, never have they existed? Well, because wouldn't they be like, here's your shoe size, here's an abacus.

Well, it's complicated because they came in with like a red nose and a little horn. And in a little car. So their shoes were quite long. So they seemed custom. That's all. You can clown too. Here's a one stuff.

our review of that same men's 5,000 athletic running sneakers. Love it, men's 5,000. Nice shoes. I ordered a eight and a half wide, got a 12 wide. We'll try to make it work. No, no, no, run in that. Talk about, like, right? I didn't even think of this review when I said that.

Yeah, I know, you're right, though. It's like some clown shoes, eight and a half to 12. And then extra wire. I wonder if they got the kind that like flaps they, the one that I called from Oliver and Company. Oh, that's like... The shoe. The soul is disconnected.

Yeah, and it could probably talk if it wanted to. Imagine this like $30 pair of running shoes is like a pair of shoes in the world that like can talk. And it's the one that the guy with eight and a half feet is wearing and the shoes like, what the fuck? Put me on bigger feet. This ain't right. That person got...

That shoe was three and a half sizes bigger. And they said, I'll try to make it work. Oh, well. Oh my God. And the other person was one and a half and they were like, uh-uh, I'm not having this. I better wear an extra pair of woolly socks. True. Okay.

I've got to get it together. This was sent in by Matt and Elise. How do you think shoes feel about being entered by feet? Now that we've personified them, you know? Someone entered me with feet. Okay. a little different, though. That's enough now.

That's actually enough. Okay. This is nice. Matt and Elise sent this. Maybe it'll answer your question, actually, because it's from a forum, and, you know, the running forums are active. Yeah, they run. Of course they're active.

Yeah, good one. If you want to get, like, stampeded, so to speak, in the comments. Oh. Okay. This is a post in a running shoe forum tagged as running shoes slash running gear thread. Is Hokasu good foe leg? You know how runners are too. Like, you know they get mad.

I don't know shit about runners. I don't know. You know I have an opinion about runners. I bring this up every time. Runner Wald commented, Good shoe on the leg? And then running historian commented. Probably better on the foot than the leg.

And that's the whole exchange. What the hell? That's it? Is how gosh you good foe like? It's like they've finally been stumped. Like the runners were like, we actually don't know how to. Like, you know, I feel like sometimes I've covered a running forum before and people were like, because it was about a race, like a Thanksgiving Day race.

And we talked about like 5K, like in some of the culture around like fun runs versus speaking of versus whatever. Other like more prestigious or more like professional running type event. and they can get a little intense in those forums. But this one, they just feel like they just got totally sound. They're like, we, I don't know. We're just going to leave it. Honestly, so would I. And I think so should we.

It was a perfect sentence, so. It was. Next, I have a five-star review. This is of Avia Men's GTR athletic running shoes on walmart.com. And this is a five-star review. Wear these on your feet. These are not part of a balanced diet. End of review.

Is the shoe good for leg? Is shoe good for leg? I mean, apparently people... It's on your feats, it says. People need to know. Greg is telling people. People need to hear the good word. Probably better on the foot than the leg.

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monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals fast. Join at rocketmoney.com slash beach. That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. Rocketmoney.com slash beach. Growing up we had like pretty much the same sets of betting and it wasn't until I became like well into my adulthood that I realized you could buy betting that actually like suits you better than just whatever hand me down you have, you know?

Whatever's lying around. Yeah, because like Bowling Branch has this like temperature regulating comforter and it's like so you can have a comforter, which like we grew up with comforters. And by the way, Utah is it straight in the wild. wash. You don't need to put a cover on it. And it's this pretty yellow pattern. And I'm like, I've been waiting for the day somebody finally figured this out. And Bull and Branch did. And our bed looks so like summery and bright. I love it. And mine is a pretty blue pattern and I like it a lot. Aw, good for you. It looks great. Upgrade your sleep with bowl and branch. Get 15% off your first order

plus free shipping at bowl and branch.com slash to Sandy with code to Sandy. That's bowl and branch. B-O-L-L-A-N-D branch. com slash to Sandy, code to Sandy to unlock 15% off. Exclusions apply. Okay, I have another one here from Julia of a sport check store in Ottawa. This is a one-star view by Kelly. A young salesman who knows absolutely nothing about shoes. My boyfriend and I were looking for walking shoes,

and we were told that walking shoes don't exist. They're just called shoes. You can walk in any of them. I feel like that's probably what was said. Or this person legitimately knows nothing about shoes. Like, walked in the store, is like, whoa, this is what we sell? And what are these? And someone said walking shoes, they're like, good one, you know, like standing shoes.

Yeah, yeah. My boyfriend and I were looking for walking shoes and were told that walking shoes don't exist. Instead of talking nonsense, they could have simply told us that their story doesn't carry walking shoes instead of arguing with us. First and last time I'll go to this store. Train your employees better. End of review. Oh, also, original was written in French. Oh, this is Canada.

But I was thinking, I wonder if anything was lost to translation. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Oh. I'm just being enchantment. Who are there being? Walking shoes don't exist. That feels very like French existentialism.

Is it a cigar or a walking shoe? Should I kill myself or have a walking shoe for breakfast? Jesus. Why not both? Just eat the shoe first. Okay. If the shoe fits, that's a shoe. It doesn't.

It's so big. It's a size 13. They've never made a shoe this big in the history of shoes. This is another five-star review. My husband had a fall from 35 feet and he shattered his heel and his other foot is messed up too. So I have to get him shoes. was quite often due to his injury. He likes these.

He says they fit great. They're also lightweight, so easy for long days at work. End of review. Oh my gosh. Wow. That you'd like some physical humor, you know? Yeah, Alexander, it's not quite what I meant. Oh, okay.

35 feet. Fuck. Shattering your heat. That's fucking crazy. Oh, that hurts. I thought I can't even. Sinner. Why did you do that?

I thought you'd laugh. I mean, you've laughed at worse, so... I know. I kind of expected something out of you. Oh, I know. I think it was the heel shattering, just made it a lot less funny, and having to buy the shoes and, you know, shoes just... So you had a normal reaction, okay.

This was a test. Is that what that was? The test, yeah. No, a normal reaction. As if I would know. I have a one-star review. Also sent by Julia, this is of a sport check in Canada. And it has one star.

Andy, that works at this location, ask me if I was racist. Such aggressive behavior. End of review. Uh-oh. It is a white man, so in the picture. Oh, okay. I just love that, like, that's aggressive. Yeah, I was going to say, if you're asked that,

it doesn't have to be aggressive. Violent. Depending on how you respond. Right. Defensive much? Mm-hmm. Tell me the other side. Of the tail.

So true. Poor customer. service. That was so random. I did not expect that to be your next review. You know, it's so weird. I attributed that to Julia sending it in, but it was actually in kind of a floating random spot in my notes. So it could have just been... It just showed up there. It was channeled. That's what you channeled? What the fuck? Some random person maybe being racist? Most likely. Let me just say that. If you have to write a review about this, you were doing something.

Okay, the reason I think that she included it is because there was the name Andy in it. And in a different review, there was a different Andy, but now I forgot about all that. There was like lore behind it. Oh, man, I do like when my reviews about racism have lore. It wasn't the same Andy. I do, I wish it were like the person who was like, they don't know anything about shoes. And they were like, I wasn't being racist. Anyway, sorry.

Are you racist? I need walking shoes. Oh my God. None of that exists. It's all fake. Oh, my God. No one's ever had such a big fucking foot in their life. Okay, I have another five-star review for some reason.

It says this. I got such a great deal on these. I even was being generous and bought my former partner a pair. Oh. Dude, I don't know what was going on in the Walmart. I was going on in the Walmart. I was going to say something's up in there. They were funny, though.

People are being weird in that. Yeah. Section. Like, I was surprised. I really enjoyed them, especially the five stars. I thought they were great. I mean, it probably helps that their products have like 12,000 reviews. So you're bound to find something.

Yeah, but sometimes it doesn't help because it's like you just see the same blah, blah, blah. To be fair, I went through like all the one star reviews. I did not find anything. So, yeah. There's a lot of blah, blah, blah. Dig mine for gold there. It was one of those episodes where I thought, I wonder how many reviews I've read in my life now.

Oh, when you have one of those sort of, like, you zoom out sort of existentially and think. Yeah. This is of the new balance men's fresh foam 520 v9 running shoe. I mean, it's just ridiculous. This one's on Amazon. Like, give me a fucking break. What makes it fresh? Fresh foam.

Nothing. Like you wake up, go to your garden. The word. There's some fresh foam for today. Like, if I walked into a fucking sport check and said, can I have some fresh foam feet shoes? They'd be like, that's never existed. Yeah, because no one says feet shoes. I know, and they'd be right.

But, like, the disconnect between, like, going into a shoe store and then being, like, size 13 shoes don't, or size 11 and a half shoes don't exist. And then going on the internet and hearing, like, cloud, fresh foam, whatever, it's like, my brain hurts. I can tell. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's a one-star review. Dangerous and unsafe! These shoes are dangerous and unsafe, and I have the urgent care bill to prove it. Fell walking out of my back door.

This is not funny, but I'm thinking of you finding it funny, so it makes me relax. Fell walking out of my back door, second day I wore these shoes. Face planted onto the concrete. The problems with the shoes is they don't provide enough ankle support so that you don't turn your ankle as you step down. I'm an older man, six foot and 200 pounds. I do not recommend these shoes for anyone my size. Buy it your own risk.

Make sure you have health insurance. Oh, yeah. So mine is all fucked up and not funny, but that. Ha, ha. Well, weirdly. Like, I broke my face. I weirdly also really like this person's last name, and it's gross cop. So then I was picturing him, fallen face planting, and I just started laughing. It's terrible. You guys should look up. Type in gross and then K-O-P-F on Google Translate from German to English and go find out what that means if you're so inclined. That's your little bo-ed.

That's your little Easter egg. Easter egg. Humpty-dpty-stile. Shattered? Jesus. Yeah, except, whoa, because of this person falling and face-planting. Speaking of physical humor, my challenge this week was to find reviews mentioning chairs breaking. That's really funny.

They're all really funny. Did this happen to you? I mean, almost certainly. Like I almost said yes, of course, without even thinking. But now I'm like, maybe not. Yes. I mean, definitely a chair has broken under me. Like, no doubt.

I'm like trying to remember specifics. You know how I know my body keeps the score. It does. And when I think of the concept, I get a visceral. Like, really, really the synapses are firing. It's not good. Remember the story of our mom falling off the porch? I don't remember the story.

I remember it happening in front of my very eyes. You know what I mean. This woman falls. I just don't have childhood memories and you're rubbing it in, okay? This woman falls off the porch in front of our dad and his new wife. Well, yeah. And like, the thing is, there is usually a railing, but it was down because someone was painting it or something. Yeah, Tim.

Tim was. Our stepdad was, he had a project going on. And our mom was in a white patio chair, a cafe style chair. And she kind of like scooched and one of the legs got caught. And she just tipped off. I mean, tipped off into the bushes and like vanished into the, like, I've never seen, the chair went.

I've never seen anything like it. It was like five feet high or something in the porch. So she like fell and just landed right in the bushes and disappeared. Yeah, like probably five feet. I was to say at least. And then I was like, I was 10. Oh, it might have been 35. Oh my God.

Maybe it was not five feet. Four feet. I don't know how feet work. Walking feet, running feet. shoe feet Flum feet Two feet Red feet blue feet

So this is from Lee They Them And just the caption In the email alone That Lee sent got me She fell two times And decided to give it Another chance

So here we go I just was like I must know more This is of the Here we go with the names again Oxilus Olyxus Cris cross chair

I mean you're making this shit up This is insane Crisscross chair With wheels Armless height adjustable for computer tasks. Okay. Like, whatever.

And the review is a one-star review by Kelsey, and it says, wheels are bad. Girlfriend got this chair a few months ago, and already two wheels have fallen off completely. There's no real... Sorry. There's no real way to fix it. So I love that one wheel fell off,

and they were like, well, I guess we'll just make do. What if they fell off at the same time? They jumped together, like the little tin stool. That's right. I had the same thought, So that must mean that it's true. I'm the ballerina. There's no real way to fix it.

Setting the wheel back in is dangerous. It falls out again. Then the person in the chair falls out. My girlfriend has taken like three falls. I also encourage her to keep using it. I'd be like, oh, yeah, this is totally not funny. And also, fucking film it. Like, don't be ridiculous.

If you're going to know that your girlfriend, if you're going to be so cold as to put the wheel on, set it in like you said. setting it in and then just knowing she's going to collapse, you might as well film it for the rest of this. Absolutely. My girlfriend has taken like three falls from the weak wheel-bearing slots this chair has. It's all hollow and doesn't sit in anything other than a hole. There's the reason this chair is so cheap.

It is literally dangerous and will just break on you. The upholstery is super nice. This is a shame the wheel sucks so bad. They're like, honey, you sure you can't just make do. The upholstery is perfect. You're not yourself. The upholstery is called gray fabric, and it's just millennial gray fabric. So it's, I mean, I'm sure it's lovely, but I don't, I wouldn't say it's worth the risk.

Okay, this is also from Lee, and it's another absurd name. So I'm going to read it. It's the, you should see my Amazon suggestions after this shit. Like, it thinks I'm a hairstylist and a runner. That's the most ridiculous of all. I mean, mine thinks I love monster smut, and it's probably, not wrong. Honestly, it might be trying to tell you something, yeah.

Sort of like a mirror, you know. Artist's hand hydraulic recline. Look in a mirror. I see monster smut? No, I'm saying Amazon is sort of reflecting your shadow side back to you. Jesus Christ. Why does that have to be my shadow side? Why can't that be my light side?

You can't choose. Jesus. Okay, okay. I'm done asking questions. It's a heavy duty tattoo chair, shampoo, beauty, salon equipment. So whatever. What if someone used it for all of those?

That's what I'm saying. Amazon is like any of this? Like, does this help? It's like, what about all of them? Someone's like, I'm in luck. They're like, oh, I was hoping to also get a tattoo. My tattoo salon. And a shampoo.

And a shampoo. And by the way, heavy duty tattoo. And by the way, hydraulic recline. That's where things get interesting. One star. Uh-oh. Verified purchase by Wilson. safety hazard it's called.

I assembled the barber chair with tightening the screws to the max and everything was looking good until I tested the reclining on myself and fell on my back and luckily didn't hit my head hard. I barely applied any pressure against the base and I only weigh 120 pounds. I would not recommend this chair to anybody. You don't want any of your clients to fall and get hurt.

Well, you don't know that. You don't know that. Also, maybe that's part of it. Heavy duty tattoo. that's part of the experience. Yeah, you have to hold yourself in like kind of up. If you, if you relax, you just like, you're fucking... You fall and you get tattooed like a line of where you fell.

Like, sweetly taught. Jesus Christ. I've never seen it, but I think I know what happens. So how's your brain doing? Don't ask. Same. It is so hard. hard, especially when you're in a place where your brain's not doing too hot, to really get it together

enough to find a psychiatrist, to find psychiatric care. And that's why when talk high tree became one of our sponsors, we were so thrilled. What an awesome service to have that should have, once again, been invented a long time ago, in my humble opinion. And I'm so glad that talkiatry is here to save the day of the day. It's hard enough to get out of bed, let alone getting out of bed and then finding a psychiatrist. Who like takes your insurance to? Yeah, exactly. Well, all 800-plus clinicians are in-network with major insurers, so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out-of-network costs.

And unlike therapy-only platforms that, like you may have heard of, tachiatry is actual psychiatry. So you're seeing a medical provider who can diagnose mental health conditions and prescribe medication when applicable and when appropriate. Head to tachiatry.com slash beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist than just. a few minutes. That's talkkiatry.com slash beach to get matched in minutes. This week on For the Haders, a podcast around the stories that we survive,

the world has been watching Kale for half of her life, and it never got the beginning. The cameras showed up at 16. Everything that built her happened before they ever started rolling. This is her story before anyone was watching. Part one of Kale Story is out now on For the Haters. Listen to it wherever you get your podcast. Okay, I have another review here. This was also sent in by Lee, and it's a one-star review of an office chair, a gaming chair. My mistake.

By the brand GT Player. Connor gave this one-star. That's my nickname in high school. G.T. Player. Yeah. Game of Thrones. No. Dungeons and Dragons. Good time player.

Guitar player. I did not say guitar. Okay. I was like, oh, maybe it did sound like guitar. Guitar. Maybe it's like, what am I doing? Chat GPT. Wait now.

G. Okay. GT player gaming chair. One star review by Connor, a verified purchase called Don't Lean Back. I can't lean back. It's crazy. This was written two weeks ago by.

Oh, no. It's fresh wounds. It's okay. I think they mean the chair, but it sounds like they're just reporting back on themselves. It's okay. Lasted me a few months. It is a comfy chair, but beware of leaning back in it. I sat down and leaned back to watch my documentary.

I need to know what the documentary was. It almost feels like they didn't even get a chance to find out. I bet. Like there was a new Nova on and they were like, I can't wait. I bet whatever it was, this chair falling made it a lot more exciting. Yeah, I guess so because it collapsed breaking my desk. Nice chair if you don't plan on anything other than gaming, which I'm like, I would argue not nice chair if you leaned into it and it fucking broke your desk. Now I need a new.

desk and I'm $500 down because of the chair because it broke the desk. Yeah. That's. And I need a new chair. And no, I'm not fat. Sitting at 200 pounds and the chair is rated for 300. Yeah, that was a common thing of like, listen, it's in the weight range. Like, this shouldn't be my problem.

And yeah. Did they buy the set? Why the fucking desk break too? It's like. No, they like, I know. I know, but like, that desk is also breaking from you falling. Like, how is that possible? I want to see it.

Oh, there's a photo. I mean, it looks like Dexter. Looks like you fucking threw the chair at the desk. Like, I can't tell what's broken chair. What is broken chair? What is broken desk? Look at the booze back there. That's an energy. Uh-oh.

No warranty. No warranty. I am that private investigator and you better believe. I'm getting my Kentucky license. You're going to work for these corporations and be like, ha, they have alcohol there. Yeah. You cannot give him that refund.

That's right. Right, it's for big, that's for big chair. What? Big Papa chair gets that money. Yeah. So this is from Naomi Liu. It's, um, her pronouns are she her? And here is the first one.

There are two of them. This is a review of the West End Kuala Lumpur. Three stars. Oh, I've stayed there. I literally believed you for a moment. I know. That's why I said it. I don't know why I said it. I had a bad experience with the restaurant at the bottom floor of this hotel.

First of all, thank God it's the bottom floor. I just feel already, already with the concept, I just realized. I had a bad experience with the restaurant at the bottom floor at this hotel. You're thinking that, like, if you're at a restaurant high up, you break your chair and you fall out the window. We've already just has 35 feet falls. Our mother falling off a balcony. Like, I don't know. Shit happens.

She fell off a porch, not a balcony. I'm sorry, a pool of porch. Well, yeah, porch with no railing. So, like, just... But, yeah, the porch was on the 35th floor. So our stepdad took off the railing and let us play. Yeah. Okay.

We were on the ground. We watched her fall down into the bushes from above. Oh, my God. She only heard her heel, though. Okay. I had a bad experience with the restaurant at the bottom floor at this hotel. I am not a super heavy woman, but I ordered a drink, sat down with a friend, and the chair broke. I can never imagine a chair would break.

I sat right in the middle of the broken wooden chair. That upsets me till today. The waiter quickly changed the chair over and I was upset the whole day. The waiter did apologize to me and said, this rarely happens. First time ever. Why would you say that? That does not make it better. They just not help. They're like, this never happened. But I'm sure they're like, oh, we've never had this happen. Yeah, they don't want to upset you. Like the chair shouldn't be breaking, but like, yeah, it doesn't probably feel nice. So this rarely happens. First time. ever. I felt so bad and so many people watched it. I can't understand why can't they check and change that restaurant chair. Now I will be super careful with every five-star hotel chair no matter how nice

it looks. That was a bad experience. Oh my gosh. I know. Jeez. I want to give you a hug. I have a new chair. I'll be careful. I'll be like, oh. I'll be like, here's your new chair. No, but like, I mean, this is, okay, first of all, I'd be careful because now you're saying five-star chairs, you're going to be so careful. I would, like, maybe be careful around, like, maybe any other chair before. I know it happened. The chairs in the micro-hotel. Right. And the chairs like that, like somebody made for the back porch while they were kind of drunk or something.

Like, maybe you just be more careful that way. But five-star hotels, I guess, you know, can happen. So this is a review. Also sent in by Naomi Liu and it's a review by Sophia. It's about a restaurant. Nice food overall, but small portions and service that needs work. The waiters weren't great at handling problems. We found an eyelash on a plate.

Oh my God, that somehow really. Make a wish. True. And got no acknowledgement. Yeah, because you're lucky. And when a chair broke at the next table, the waiter just said, okay. Not what you expect from fine dining

Hmm That's not How would you know it's not your eyelash I'm not saying that's what happened here Like with the hair it's kind of obvious You know, it's obvious? I mean I think I would No

I think if somebody set it down in front of me And there was an eyelash on it Oh I thought you meant set an eyelash Down in front of you I'm like yeah Because they just gave it to you Like why would Of course it's not yours

No the plate of the plate Appeared and it was like Or like if you're blonde or something and it's like a dark eyelash, you know, you would know, but it would freak me out if it were not my eyelash. Okay. This is going to be maybe stupid, but there are like blonde eyelashes. Eyelashes are like lighter for blonde people.

Is that dumb? I mean, no. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to nod. I mean, no, it's not dumb. I'm like, can't picture it. It's okay. Really? Have you seen in like our sister, for example, has...

Who? I don't know her eyelashes. You can't visualize things. A Fantasia. That's my excuse. For God's sake. Really, though? Yes.

Huh. I know. Learned something new every day. We found an eyelash on a plate and got no acknowledgement. And when a chair broke at the next table, the waiter just said, okay, not what you expect from fine dining. Highlights. I had to read this part.

I'm sorry to you and everyone. Highlights, that Torres no souffle, crispy, tender, cut nicely by a tomato and red onion salad. Why is this always happening at a fancy restaurant? And then imagine an eyelash in it. Yeah, but like the chair shit. Like, the last one was Kuala Lumpur 5-star Westin or whatever. Like, what, you know? It is it with the chairs.

I'm starting to get worried about this. Maybe it's more for looks than it is for utility. I guess. What kind of chairs are? I'm like so shoddy. I'm just trying to remember what micro-tel chairs are like. I feel like those are like weirdly one piece very sturdy. Like you could probably break a window with them.

Yeah, well, you can't pick them up because they're just concrete. Right. They're literally like bolted the floor. Okay. There's hostile architecture within the micro-tel room. Totally. Holy shit. You're like tripping me out right now, dude.

What? It's so hot in here. I wouldn't die. Yeah, I know. This is not comfortable. Let me finish this horrible paragraph. The menestra with egg. Stop.

And the bacala with tarragon sauce. The quail was interesting. Carmelized skin meant to echo peaking duck with a sweet and sour curry. The other pairing didn't quite land, unlike that guy at the table. Oh. I'm right. Less convinced by the rapes salvage, fishy, comma, tough. And the croquitas, parentheses, forgettable, and overpriced at 5.30 pounds each.

My main gripe, the same miso, was used. for both the lamb and the pockchoy, making both too salty. And the portions are genuinely tiny. You had this one eyelash that was just garnish right in the middle. They also listed like 15 items, so I was like, man, they got so many things. I know. I'd have left hungry without the bread at the end. Oh, no.

Yeah. All of that and you leave in hunger, that sucks. Well, no, because they ate so much bread. And they didn't eat the eyelash. That's probably what would have, without the bread, if they'd eat. that eyelash, they would have brought them. It's like, what do you call that when the chef, like, designs the entire chef's menu, you know, like, you can't make substitutions.

No. Garnish it. Maybe it's a quail eyelash. No. I mean, if you're eating a quail fucking egg, you might as well eat its eyelash. I agree. Same with if you're eating chicken wings. You might as well eat the fucking feather.

I agree. I don't know about beak. That one is like, that's a little too hard. Wow, I went real hard on that. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah.

Here's the two-star review. This was sent in by Andy, they, them, who wrote this, which also feels extremely relatable. And it also feels extremely visceral. Like, I believe this has happened to me. But, like, maybe confirm or not what you remember. Andy wrote, one time while I was playing piano in high school, the piano bench fell to pieces under me. And I fell and hit my head on the ground. And my mom laughed, to which I say, at least you weren't like in a recital.

Because in my mind, that would happen at a, like, piano recital. But no, it's still terrible. I'm not trying to diminish your experience. But, like, I feel like that is... No, it's hilarious. I watched that happen at Bruce Bowden. But I didn't... I didn't have that happen.

Maybe I have that happen to me. It feels like I know what happened. Wait. It's better than what happened to his son. He's okay and he was fine. I forgot about that. I feel like... Totally.

Yeah, you got fucking run over by a bus out front of our school. A school bus literally drove over this person, this child. The child. And it was like one of those fucking chicken soup for the soul. Somebody picked up the fucking bus. I heard it was his dad himself. But it could be wrong.

I have no idea. Anyway, that's... With the strength of that breaking that piano bench, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, there were probably multiple people who were like, lift that bus. Live! Ty Pennington showed up.

Someone called. What's underneath? Let's see. the transformation. This is so bad. Who is it? Oh my God. Yeah, literally this kid got run over by a school bus.

And then they suppressed it on the news. That was something else, but maybe this is. No, I'm like quite sure. Wait, a kid getting run over by a school bus? And then the teacher's, his own father saving his life. Yeah, he's pretty newsworthy. I don't think. I think my bar for what's newsworthy is much higher.

personally, no offense. Or I don't know. Our mom was on the news that year. Do you remember? Our mom and Tim were on the news that year. Just saying. That was like a triple homicide. Fair point.

No, I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, when he, oh, I thought she was like her, sorry when she fell off the porch. That wasn't, I called the press. And I wrote about, wait, I did write about it in the Wolper News. Oh, you did. Yeah, a PR statement. I made a statement. And I said the chairs.

not liable for any mistakes. She was drinking at the time. I have photo evidence. Yeah. I was like eight. Okay. Here is a one-ser view of a restaurant called Paglia's Pizza. Two stars.

Not a fan of this place. I've been to Paglias a half dozen time, or is it Pahlia? Speaking of Pali-I-I-I-I was going to say, I was like, Doctor, I need pizza. I was like, there's this great place. Oh, called Pahlia. Doctor. I am Polly.

Holy shit. Stupid. This feels like it might be, you ready? Talk about a clown. Listen to this. I've been to Polly as a half dozen times over the past several years. I am not a fan.

It's a plain, nondescript building with a gray grungy look. The chairs are cheap plastic that breaks. My chair broke and I fell to the floor on my last visit. I was hurt and the manager never made a visit to the table to check on me or the table. Which I love like the idea

that you're on the floor. They're like, anything for the table? Just disregard that guy. Our server was missing most of the night. She was not engaged when she did make a visit. Drinks were difficult to reorder. The actual pizza order was filled incorrectly and came out staggered.

The pizza was average, but not good enough to overcome the consistently poor service and attitude of the staff. The dull gray atmosphere makes it worse. I would not willingly come here, but some of our family like the pizzas. I'll be back if I lose the family vote. Oh. End of review. Man, people, it's like you've been there half a dozen times.

Think about how much of your life when you like die and then you go up and you look down and you're like, that's me at Pollyas. What a wonderful time I must have had with my family. And you're just bitching the whole time about how much you hate Pallias. Then why would you be in heaven thinking about how great it was? Because it's a life review. And they're like, look at St. Peter is like. They're like, look at this, what you've done. And you're like, it can't be that bad.

And then you're like, oh my God, I'm terrible. I didn't even eat the eyelash. Can you imagine on your deathbed? You what, grandma? That's my deathbed confession. Mine would be like, one people have lighter eyelashes. And then I die.

And I'd be like, you're done. And then I'd die and you'd be like, we learn something new every day. Even your last. And then I'd die. And then we'd both have the world's dumbest to do last lines of anybody. Yeah, I already had mine. What's yours? You learn something new every day.

Oh, that would be your life. Oh, I'd see you die. After that. Okay, you would. So that we'd make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeah, and this is going to be our Rube Goldberg murder pact where we kill each other with two separate Rup Goldberg machines. Yeah. You already have a pact of that with someone else.

I do. So we'll make it a triangle. A murder triangle. We're going to be in the news. No. That's not what newsworthy. Some that's going to suppress it. What?

Oh, that's... No, you know what? Tell me. What's our... high school going to do. I'm not afraid of bringing back the Wilper news. You're going to bring back the Wilper news. Just go up and down Wilper and hand it out. All the news that's fit

to print and I put it in there. Just go write it at Richies and cross the street for a drive-through. You said that the triple murder was on the news, right? Because it was mom and dad. I sure did. The room that'll make the news too.

Here, stop. I'm talking myself. So this is my last review. It's a one-star view of a hotel, and it's called Wedding. Not the hotel. What a lame fucking name. Not the hotel. Booked here for a family member's wedding, wedding was beautiful, but the state of this place was dirty.

Our balcony floor was so grimy and dirty. The glass panels on the balcony, one had slid down to the other, leaving a big gap big enough for my three-year-old to slid straight through. Oh, my God. I think it didn't happen. I think they're just saying it's big enough. Oh, I see.

Which, like, is really not a fair way to phrase that because it's like, you made it sound like this happen. But then as I read, I'm like, I think they're just saying it's a big enough to be dangerous. Yeah. Big enough for my three-year-old to slide straight through. Also, the partition between the balconies were missing. It's not like our house in the 2000s. Also, the partition between the balconies were missing. Few cracked tiles, rooms were okay, nothing special.

The presidential suite where the bride-slash-bridle party was getting ready was disgusting. Lasting cockroaches and the hot top. What? Hot topic. Hot top. What? Cockroaches and the hot top had a black water line all around it. Also, I really enjoy this.

A hot tap? Maybe? Oh, maybe? Oh, yeah, okay. And the hot tap had a black water line all around it. Now, I really enjoyed this because they wrote bride slash bridle. And they wrote it, like, the horse. Like bridle, yeah.

Bridal party. I do like that. Bridal party is an underrated. If you're a horse girl and you're getting married, Bachelorette theme, bridal party. Bridal party, B-R-I-D-L-E. Although does that like imply, like, you're being like harnessed or something because I don't love, like, unless, well, nothing's wrong with that unless you're implying like because, you know.

You were harnessed at your bachelorette party by Chipin-Bales dancers. That's different. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was humped in the face by one. A different one. A different one.

But humped in the face nonetheless. Breakfast staff were lovely. At the wedding meal, my chair broke. The back legs just gave way. Just at the wedding dinner. You got to have something, you know, at a wedding. One staff came over with a new chair and just walked off with a broken one. No one came to check if I was okay, nothing, and I really hurt my wrist.

Nothing was done about it. I would not recommend here at all. Sounds like you were fun at the wedding. Yeah. That sounds funny. I think it would be great. To see that? Oh, yeah.

That'd make my wedding. You can't like pretend nobody saw it. Like someone had to have seen. that and been like, you good? Like, you can't tell me not a single person cared enough to check. I know they said staff didn't care, but, like, they're running a wedding right now. Yeah. So true.

And, like, when I got married to my Cracker, B-R-L-B-E-R-Wife. Coma, B-E-R-R-Y-L. No. Oh, her name's not B-R-L? No. Oh, I thought there was. No. None of your business.

Why is it her-usern-N-N-U-N-N-U-N-N-U-N-U-S-N-E-N-E-N-E-N-E-N-E-W-E-E. Anyway, the night of our wedding. one of her barrel family members fell over cracked me up I thought it was the funniest thing ever that was the highlight including the vows

including everything that's all I know that happens at a wedding did you roll a wall yeah the floor was a little slanted right towards the front that's the thing

what do you mean the front the front as in like the altar? Yeah the altar wasn't a religious wedding I think it was on a porch of a cracker barrel. Sounds pretty religious. You got me there.

You got me there. There's more religious paraphernalia in a cracker barrel than at a regular fucking church. All right, next to the porch pegging. Thanks for listening to our show. We're so glad you've been here. And we need to leave because it is a 98,000 degrees. And we are so happy you have joined us. Please join us on Patreon to get upcoming themes and challenges and the opportunity to submit reviews.

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