Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 400: Reviews of Summer Camps

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

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Welcome to Beach, to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Our 400th episode, we're just sitting here in Ceylon. Didn't know that until now? No. Oh, dear. So, yeah, let's take a moment of silence for the last 399 episodes. That's kind of fucking crazy.

Like a really long moment of silence. It's a lot of weeks. It's a lot of work. And we, like, didn't take a single week off ever. Yeah. I don't think we've missed a week. Oh, God. What's wrong with us?

Happy 400th episode, I forgot. I'm so happy to be here with you today. This is a special occasion that we're treating very specially. No, I think we have a good one, though. Summer camps. This is kind of fun. Yeah, I got it. And we'll do something special when we're not on the same depression cycle.

Unfortunately, our cycles have synced up. Like, literally, that's how it goes. Sometimes we're not synced. So then at least somebody's bringing something to the table. Yeah, one of us can handle the inbox for like a few days. But no, it's just really bad. Keep in mind, you're like, oh, but you're laughing. She laughs at beheaded monks.

So the bar for that is very low. Why do you think I'm depressed? Ever since the mail stopped coming, I never got the content that I really crave, which are just all those nickels. Yeah, our dad's mail. I miss the mail. I do miss the glossy pictures of nuns. I miss really shocking with no warning Beheaded monks

Could you imagine they put that on the fucking envelope? I mean, what if a child opens that? What if they had it so that like where the envelope is sealed and the head is on the sealed thing and the body's below it so you lift it? And then there's a nickel because they're like you just killed a monk. Here's your nickel and now you're a hired killer

for the Catholic Church. Jesus. Oh, was that too far? Maybe a little, actually. Actually, I don't know. I'm sure Leo needs a few assassins. You know what I mean? He does.

So, hey, welcome to our episode on summer camps. I wasn't really one to go to a summer camp. Me neither. Yeah. Because we're siblings. Well, I don't know. Sometimes, like, there was an abrupt shift between time periods, like, a new stepfather or, like, something would change.

And then it's like, oh, suddenly Zandi is doing, like, flag football. And I'm like, or touch football. And I'm like, what is that? I did flag football. Yeah. Flag? Um. Who?

Anyway, yeah, summer camps that we didn't go to. I have no experience. One time mom threatened me with a summer camp, though. And it was a German summer camp, or well, it was in America. Some of you will know, it's famous. And it's basically they set up like a town and you're meant to go as a resident. Like in this case, Germany, you can only speak German. they change out like your clothes.

This is an Oregon, right? It's somewhere like Oregon. It's like very Portlandia-esque. Yeah, I didn't even mean it as a dig. I love Oregon. It's a total dig because then they make you like use German money. And at the time it was like while the euro was being implemented and mom was like, I don't know if they'll use Deutsch marks.

And I'm like, I'm not. That's insane. What are you? What? Also, the time Euro was implemented was probably like 10 years prior. But I think like maybe an Oregon. they were still catching up to that or something. There was like this whole drama, but then they gave you aprons and the women had...

Oregon was still catching... I'm sorry, rewind. Still catching up to Germany switching to the euro. Oregon was like, whoa, that happened last year? The Deutsche mark. They were still on the Deutsche mark. Yeah, the banks in the U.S. didn't take them yet. Like, didn't swap them out.

It wasn't a bank. It was a fucking summer camp. I know, but they couldn't get the euros from the local bank is what I'm saying. The local German bank. whichabank was right there. Oh my God. And they're like, they delivered it a year, or they mailed it a year ago. It's crazy.

We accidentally beheaded one of the monks on the envelope and there was a Deutsche Mark inside. And then now they don't accept it. Assassins don't accept the Deutschmark anymore though. Oh, man. Okay, so I was going to go to this camp and I said, if you make me go to this camp, I will kill you. I literally told, and it was like I was too old. Also, like, I was, like, 12. Like, I was, like, too old to be doing, like, a children's, like, make-believe thing.

But it was, like, I was the last age and the thing. And I'd never done something. I'd never done a camp. So I'm like, I just want to be at home. Like, don't make me go anywhere. Yeah. And then we had a computer. And I remember I went on to the browser and searched it.

But I remember I learned how to delete my history that day because I... All that porn you're watching. No, all the porn was still on there. But the thing about the German summer camp, I couldn't let her see. because I googled the German summer camp and looked at photos and I was like I will do something terrible if she makes me go You were looking at photos to find the tallest building

It was and you were like Ooh, clock tower Do you know what it was? It was like one hay bale And I was like that'll never do And so now I'm very triggered by that photo I've taped on the wall Oh for my puzzle That's kind of what it was supposed to look like

Christiana, do you want a frame? It's just like scotch tape to the wall. taping a photo A Bavarian village Yeah, remember when mom gave that to you? The Bavarian puzzle And now I'm just depressed in doing it She was probably just trying to trigger you

And clearly is working Okay, so that was my only experience Of summer camp is that I threatened Like, I mean, I made mayhem out of that scenario And mom, I think, never requested either of us To a summer camp again after that. Yeah, thankfully for all our listeners, I don't have a summer camp story.

That's why I ask. Because it's like sometimes we hold stuff like this in and it's like you didn't know. Mm-hmm. You know. My only experience with camps are those like fucking religious camps are school sent us to. For like one day. Like woodland altars. But it's spelled like an altar in church.

But I never knew it was religious until I was an adult. He had to teach me that. I think there's a moment on the podcast where I learned that. Oh yeah. That sounds right. Yeah. It was caught on camera. Woodland altars.

And then they were like, now you're going to go here for three days. Your parents are not going to hear from you or whatever. Like those, no, I'm serious. That wilderness thing they made us do. And then there was this guy who's name was either rainbow or sunshine. And he, like, took a group out into the woods. Pajama Sam, too. Thunder and lightning aren't so frightening.

So weird. I just talked about that in my tarot reading. Oh, dear God. Because I said I love thunder and lightning, but I also played that Pajama Sam game a lot. Is it on your YouTube channel? Yeah. Nice. What's it called?

You know what? I haven't said it out loud yet. It's called heck Hex ceiling. Go find it. Yeah. Go to YouTube. It's part of my depression era so you can see my more content like this. Just kidding. I did mention it. But yeah, no, I don't know. He took people into the woods, including Emily Hanover. And I remember her being there because I was like, that's how I was cognizant of how long they were gone. Because after a few hours, they put on a movie. And I heard them on the walkie doggies and they were like, we have to go find these kids. And they were, so I guess I do have another camp story. But it wasn't really camp. It was more like this weird three-day wilderness thing.

It turns out he was out there showing them the stars, and he was talking about how extraterrestrials can make portals in the sky. And I remember going, what a fucking nut job. Look at you now. Go check out hex healing if you want to hear about the time I saw UFO above the Sphinx at 3 a.m. And she is not kidding, by the way. That's not a joke.

Okay, so let's get back to this serious stuff, because as much as I have some very serious trauma about summer camps that I didn't know about. It's just been unearthed. The serious stuff is something I want to say, if you are loving this and live in Nashville, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, what's our fourth? Louisville. Louisville. Oh, my God. We're going to Kentucky. Where you live? Whoopsies. That's the one I'm I can't say I'm most excited for. I just said it's our favorite one. It's too late. Yeah, you did. Anyway, I have a review here. Fantastic.

Ready? This is from Naomi. Omie Lou, and she sent in a review of a local YMCA summer camp outside of Salem, Oregon. Uh-oh. Tell me she's in an apron. The whole thing's in German. Oh, no. It is a one-star review. Ah, I'm pooping.

Everyone, I'm pooping. End of review. Why would that be the first one that you bring? I'm easing us into it. That's not easing. That's like, guys, I'm moving. That's really alarmist. Alarmist.

You know how many times we've said the phrase beheaded monks this episode? More than the original episode we talked about that. If we do a count. It's horrible. Somebody said a count because I think you've said it way more than I have. I do agree with that, actually. You don't even have to account. I'm positive, that's the case.

Thank you for agreeing with me on that. It's just to me so egregious that I have to. So because you went a little bit rogue with that first one. I'm going to go rogue. This is from Julio. He said, I went to my rolodex of forums to find summer camps. And he said, every reply is a gem. And then when you think it's getting boring, you get to O.P.'s post number 11.

And then that's when, like, I'm going to wrap things up. Don't worry. I'm not going to read all 11 posts. I'm going to read maybe, like, two responses. Okay. Now, here's a forum. It's called, well, Giulio has a separate nervous breakdown about what this is called. Like, we don't know how to say it.

Kathy, Cafe. Don't say cafe That's what she said Julia don't say cafe He did Oh it's too late I don't like it Coffee

Katha Like short for catheter The E is special I'm sorry Is that Kathe? That's her I think that's Kathy Look at those biceps

I was gonna say Those bare shoulders Why is she a bodybuild What's happening So anyway What is Kathy forums Oh get fit with Kathy Oh

Yeah because it's Kath and then let her E I know Get fit with Kathy, but I don't know why this would be in a forum on this website, but it just seems irrelevant to the website. Okay, so the title,

I'm sorry, it's the beheaded monks, sorry, there's a tally all over again because I'm going to laugh and it's not funny. Like, what happens is not funny, but it's just, unfortunately, it's one of my trauma responses as the clown. What the fuck are you talking about? Oh, inner internal family systems. The clown?

Yeah, that's funny. Oh, I don't know about that one. Oh, yes, you do. I crack myself up. I literally am doing 10 hours of therapy, and we did talk about internal family systems. Fantastic. It's good work. And no one mentioned a clown. Well, maybe if you've...

Ten fucking hours of therapy. No clowns mentioned what? If no one around you is a clown, it might be you. Oh, fuck. I think maybe it's time that you look and word and go. Uh-oh, I've been the clown the whole time. Here we go. Summer Camp lost my three-year-old vent.

Jenny fit says Oh she's a Catholic What years is from this post? 2010. Feels right. I just have to get it out before I scream again. My three-year-old went to a summer camp today

and when I went to pick him up, he was not there. I'm sorry, it's not... It's funny, but not funny, but not funny, right? They finally found him 20 minutes later wearing someone else's clothes. Oh, fuck. What?

That's bad. That was... I mean, presumably another child's. Yeah, another child's clothes. Okay. Could you imagine? It looks like an adult that, like, shrunk? He'd aged 40 years.

He'd accidentally wandered into the forest. I was picturing a baby wearing, like, adult clothing. Oh, yeah, that's good, too. Like a shrunken... Stacked on top of one another. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was wearing someone else's clothes. WTF, some teacher took him into a six-year-old class.

My son is about 32 pounds. He's tiny. I don't know how they think. thought he was six, especially since I signed both of my kids in and they are twins. Their teacher put wristbands and name tags on both of them. Okay, thank you for letting me get it out. It makes me want for all of us to hug our kids tight. So scary.

I'm picturing the three-year-old. They were like, how old are you? And three-year-old was like eight. And they're like, let's split the difference. I'm like, hmm, makes sense to me. Yeah, he is wearing a fedora and a really oversized coat. Yeah, so obviously that's horrifying. And like, I have a four-year-old, so don't worry.

I am not, yeah, it's bad. But here's another catholic. I don't, and I don't care about this three-year-old. Exactly. So we have to balance each other up. Here's another catholic named Susie. And she says, oh, M.G, Jen, I can't even begin to comprehend what that must have been like for you. And then hugs, but in like all these brackets. That's a lot of brackets.

Squiggly brackets. And it's sort of like eke, but it's like hugs. And it really feels aggressive. I hope you really gave them a piece of your mind or something. It just seems impossible they could have done that. I'm so glad they found him and he's none the worst for where. I certainly would file complaints with someone. Call the Attorney General's office.

Heck, the newspaper. Out of order? I mean, I don't know. Maybe not. Yeah, maybe they just... Alert the press. Maybe at the same time. They're like, okay, is everyone on the call? I've got the Attorney General and all the local newspapers.

And the press. That seems... What do I know? I don't have a little shit running around. But do we actually think the attorney general should get involved in this situation? I don't know. Here's a response from Janice, another Catholic. She says, Jen, how awful.

You have every right to be angry and upset. Believe it or not, I had a dream the other night. I thought they were going to say, believe it or not, I am the attorney general. I'm on the call. Yeah. But don't tell the press yet. Yeah. I want to be there when you tell them.

Okay. Jen, how awful. You have every right to be angry and upset. Believe it or not, I had a dream the other night with a similar scenario. It made me wake with a pounding heart and drenched in a cold sweat. Scary! And I don't even have kids. She's like, I'm just a Catholic.

I love that. Like, I had a dream about that. Yeah. Maybe it was like a premonition. I wish she could have warned her, you know? Yeah. It was a small child in a fedora. And he wandered into the rooms.

And it's like only other Catholics that they like have premonition. They have like a web, a dream web. Yeah, it's beautiful. Write this down. We've got to write the movie. Oh, it's writing itself. I think here's a, okay, this is a good one. This is from Johanna.

I would have lost it. The fact that you are not facing assault charges right now. Holy shit, people. Is a testament to your self-control. Wow, okay. It sounds like a mistake rather than a fucking. crime? Right.

Like it seems like, like it's not, and it's not... The closing thing, I'm like, somebody explain that, please. Okay, that one has pretty fucking weird. There's a lot more, and I'm sure if we dug through it, we probably would find out more, but I just don't have the time right now. I'm super busy, actually, right now. So that let me write, or let me read this.

Love you, right? You're a Catholic? I didn't want this to be how you found out. You're the one with the premonitions. That's your whole tarot YouTube channel. A bunch of Catholic, subscribe. Well, it's like kind of in a triangular shape where at the top is Kathy with a knee. And then underneath.

Now what's the shape of a triangle? What's that? A pyramid. No. That's not the same. Yeah. It's just like I'm down here and I'm really trying to put the, you know, so the name, it's under the umbrella of everything I do. All my content is now under.

Got it. It's Catholic. T.M. T.M. T.m. Okay. I mean, I'm sure that's already trademarked. Okay. PJ says, holy crap. Oh my gosh. I would have lost it and hunted down. Jesus. What? Hunted down.

These people need to find something to get this rage out. Like exercise. Oh, no. Oh, they're already trying. Oh, Catholic. You're right. Fuck. I may be small.

I'm sorry. What? So sorry. But I'm a hunter. But I'm mighty and very scary. It seems like an application to kill the, like, hey. I will kill this person for you. For the Pope.

The Post Assassinations squad. Pay me a nickel. Just send it through the mail. Pay me a Deutsche Mark. That's how I'll know. It's like the old fish symbol in the sand, but now it's like a Deutschmark. Here we go. I may be small, but I'm mighty and very scary when it comes to my son's welfare.

Oh, such big, big hugs to you and your darling children. I agree. Call the newspapers. Call the radio stations. complain to the top of the food chain. Jesus. What? This is fucking crazy.

I just can't imagine how scary that must be for all of you. Bless your hearts. My seven-year-old is at vacation Bible school, and I make sure to get it painfully clear in their minds regarding his allergies just in case he stumbles across a plant or insect. He may be allergic to that we are not aware of yet. This sounds fun. I make darn sure.

The camp counselors are trained in first aid and go out of my way to sufficiently scare the crap out of them as to the severity of his allergies that we may or may not know about yet, question mark. Maybe, I don't know. Just like insects. I love how it wasn't like bees. It was like just insects. Insects we may not know about yet. Yeah. Just anything. You never know. Or a plant. You may not. Yeah. So I marched into her office and asked not so subtly if she understood that anaphylaxis is a life and death matter. that if he had gone into anaphylactic shock he could possibly die. She looked quite stunned. Yeah, I know. Shit. Wait, does this kid have an epipen?

Yes. Okay. The nurse had apparently taken the epipen from the counselor. And so she marched. Oh, I missed that. Did you say that? I did not say that. Oh, okay.

There was like a whole paragraph about the, I'm sorry, I should have clarified there was an incident with the epipen. Yeah. To be fair. I was like, whoa, we're marching on them already. Sorry, no, not yet. Not yet. She looked quite stunned to be confronted by a mom who isn't a nurse.

Honey, after all, I've been through with my son's many health scares. Trust me, I can out-nource you any day. This is to a nurse, by the way. That's diabolical. Yeah, that's fucking diabolical. Your little darlings are so tiny and innocent. I mean, this is like so freaky. It's weird.

How insanely terrifying for them. I'm going to say an extra prayer for your family that all of you have peaceful dreams and that your kiddos don't end up with PTSD, parentheses, post-examination. traumatic stress. Hello? Stop praying for them. You're going to give them people. Like, stop.

Stop. Stop. This is the O.P. Finally explaining what happened. Wow. It's not good. I spoke with the manager of Lifetime Fitness where the camp is being held, and he said they were implementing new safety procedures like head counting.

What did they do before? Exactly. Prentices, no shit. And I said that should have been done in the first place. He actually said that they were giving a $25 gift voucher to me for losing my kid. At this gym? At the lifetime fitness. So this has been in a lifetime fitness this whole time. I just didn't know that.

Yeah, in my head, okay, yeah. So tomorrow morning, my 6'5, 250-pound hubby is going to go in and demand a refund and ask to have the staff responsible, give us a formal apology, because it seems like they will take him seriously more than me. Thank you, my Kathy family, for your support. May this never happen again. I mean, at least they didn't want to kill them.

Yeah, I couldn't plan to kill them. Like, yeah, she didn't, like, call them to arms to bear arms. Yeah, right, it could have been worse, because that other person was ready to bear arms. Like, that seems reasonable to ask for a refund. Totally, I agree. An apology is warranted, so. Yeah, I mean.

It all came around, got some venting done. It's one thing to put them in a different room. The different clothes thing, without context, like, I need to know why that is happening. If it was like, oh, well, they got wet in a water. Yeah. Fine. But, like, explain that. They got to explain that.

Before this was in a gym, I was like, oh, they just got put in a different classroom type thing. Exactly. Like, that's what it felt like. Now it's like, oh, they were somewhere else in this gym. Yeah, I don't love that. With six-year-olds in different clothes. Don't love that. No.

Call the Attorney General right now. I might. Honestly. No, I'm sure they already did. And we're like, 15 years ago, there was an incident. Hey, have you ever heard of a Catholic? And they'd be like, unfortunately, yes. Yearly.

They'd be like, you are not to say that word under this roof. Storefront, am I right? Oh, yes, you are. But how do you know about that? Because I've been on the Internet before. Okay. And I've shopped before. Have you?

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Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash two Sandy. You know what we say? Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash two Sandy. Sometimes I have to go present as a parent. Like if you'll look at me, if you look at figure A here, I'm not usually looking like a pillar of the community. I don't know how to put it. sometimes when I go places with my child, I want to look more presentable and polished.

And that's when I pull out my quince because I have so many beautiful pieces like sweaters and just basics, even t-shirts that look very clean and polished, like very, they're giving capsule wardrobe, you know, type of thing. And you can mix and match and make so many different outfits. But I always feel when I'm wearing something from quince, like, oh, now I'm an adult. Now I look like I should be here at this polished function. All of as many functions that I attend. Yeah, I got a doormat.

Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, and I wiped my feet on it at the function. As if you visit. I don't visit. I'm sorry, but now that you have a dormant, I might come by. Please do. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. It's super fun to actually go looking.

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That's QINCE.com slash Beach2 Sandy. Here's a review sent in by Grace of Camp Geneva in Holland, Michigan. It's a four-star review. This year has been a blast. Everything about it has been very fun. I enjoyed all of the grand activities and everything this camp has to offer. But you might have noticed that I have only given it four stars. This is because of Chris.

No. He is not very kind-hearted and does not want the best for your kids. I would not hop in the pool after I overheard him telling his daughter not to wipe and just let the pool wash it out. She hopped in Huge disappointment He has also been notorious for being on Facebook When he was supposed to be watching the CPR But besides this incident

This is an amazing camp Would recommend you call and ask If Chris is going to be there before sending children Would go back. End of review I were going to say recommend call the Attorney General And I was like these people I wish Wow

So, Chris told someone to not wipe but let the pool. His daughter. Okay. Not to wipe and just let the pool wash it out. No, that's not cool, man. That's kind of weird and gross. Whisper that. Or just don't say that.

Or whisper it. I guess. Maybe send it telepathically, and if she's meant to know, she's meant to know. I don't know. It's just weird. But yeah, no. What do I know? Yeah, maybe it's a joke.

I don't know. It doesn't sound like it. It does not. Knowing Chris. And I feel like I know Chris. All right. This was sent in by Anna. I have some reviews of Camp Ernst, located in Kentucky.

And I was like, interesting. That's where I wanted to go. And mom said, I have a better idea. You know, so I never went there. But that was like a big one in our, I feel like in our... Art School. A bunch of kids went there. Okay.

It's apparently a YMCA Camp Ernst. So it's in Boone County. And here is a one-star review by us. Recently, this establishment called the police on an animal rescue that was there to rescue domestic ducks that would die from the cold and ice or predator attacks. The rescue got a ticket because of this YMCA and the ducks were not rescued. Oh, no. If they die, this is at the hands of this YMCA.

So much for community outreach. If they don't care about ducks, they don't care about you either. End of a few. Powerful statement there. That is quite the statement. These ducks. Look, I might be vegan, but I don't know if that's the case there. I don't know.

No, I just mean them thinking that they don't care about these people. Right. I think maybe it's not necessarily like, yeah. Seems like a stretch. Seems like a stretch. Well, V sent a few things in of this camp called Camp Kunawara in Australia. Okay. It's now called Kunawarra Farm Resort, but V said that it's improved quite a bit.

since 1997. Oh my, okay. I would hope so. But there have been, there was reason for like it needing to improve. Here is my first review from here. One star. Has good activities.

Rest is terrible. Look out for this guy named Drew or something who did the iguana creek camp rock climbing. He acted like he was cool and gangster and didn't care if we fell to the floor at 12 meters. He was like those young chubby games. gaming idiots. The food was edible at least, but hygiene terrible. Safety is very low, which scared me so much during the four days in which I got was suffered to a part hellhole. Do not go here unless you're prepared for food poisoning. Don't care about seriously injuring yourself during activities, drowning in a lake with an old life jacket, and want to know it all stupid gamer dude

that runs your rock climbing in games while you're stuck in midair. Thoroughly dislike my visit. End of review. I know they said Andy or something. Could it be Chris? He's always on that Facebook doing Farmville and who knows what. Probably. Both of the names I gave were fake. Oh, so it could be.

It could be. I love like Andy or something. Wow, the gaming idiot is so good. I felt, I was like, you know what? This was written 10 years ago. That was definitely me 10 years ago. Yeah. Honestly, it's been me longer than 10 years ago.

Wow. What was he doing? was so egregious before that. What made him such a... He acted like he was cool and gangster and didn't care if we fell to the floor at 12 meters. Gaming idiot. Exactly. He's cool and gangster.

Like you 10 years ago. Yeah. All he had to work with was iguanas. Like he had to do something to kind of like get his reputation like up there. Get his street cred, you know? I think iguanas are pretty cool. I do too. I just think sometimes kids might be a little bit.

Like you have to kind of like prove that you're like sit backwards in a chair of that kind of thing. Mm-hmm. But what do they call, we'll say about iguanas, iguanas no sea in dark or something? Yeah, well, something about their eyelids, I think. Jesus. Yeah. I have a review also sent in by Anna of Camp Ernst. It is a once-terview by Rich, a local guide.

We sent our kids to Camp Ernst for about a dozen years until its first year post-COVID. It's now woke MCA, with counselors told to avoid imposing masculine and feminine pronouns and confused boys pretending to be girls sleeping in cabins for females avoid at all costs seven prayer hand in my face. Jesus. Yeah.

Disturbing. That's crazy. At least you know they're not going there anymore. That's true. Yeah, Anna did say they... Throw yourself out. Yeah, exactly. Take yourself out.

She said people who have a strong dislike for lunatic left-wing liberal losers. Yeah, so that seems to be the vibe. and I'm loving that. Go Camp Ernst, I guess. You don't hear a lot of that in Boone County, you know? Yeah, very true. It's nice. As if I know what happens in Boone County.

I mean, we can all kind of take a guess. Okay. Here's a one-star review. There were these ducks. Don't know. You're right. You're right. Yeah, it was bad. That was really bad.

Too soon. Here is a one-star review of that same Australian summer camp. The camp was bad. I stayed there for a week, got there Monday, left Friday, There was dirt in our drinks. There was hair in our food. The tables were sticky. Food was disgusting.

People were forced to roll in wombat poo after canoeing. I was in the cabin 13. There was sign there saying, female toilets and showers pointing to my cabin. And girls kept coming in. So we had to write a note saying, shower, not here. The girls and I in my cabin could hear the toilets flush

and the showers when they're turned on. The room... So the shower was somewhere. It was actually really close. So they probably shared a wall. It seems like it. That's funny. The showers, when they're turned on, the room vibrated.

You could only have a freezing cold shower or a boiling hot shower. That's part of summer camp. I've never been, but that feels like part of it. Sure. You've never been. I mean, like. And yet. I don't think reliable plumbing is usually something I picture when I picture like nostalgic summer camp.

I love the one thing about the summer camp you looked up is this crows. crazy sounding German flower place with Deutschmarks. And you're like, you know, with summer camp, it's like this. But here's the thing I know about summer camp. It's the opposite of whatever that was. Like an enjoyable one is the opposite of whatever that was. So I'm just kind of using the power of my imagination. Okay.

Got it. That makes so much sense. Lakes. I mean, they did mention, oh wait. Yeah, someone mentioned canoeing. Told you. This person. And wombat poop.

Yeah, which is square, right? I'm pretty sure. It's actually a cute. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm reading. The bathroom wasn't white. It turned brown because of the wombat poo.

They didn't even bother to clean it. They were using it as like a magic eraser? It's everywhere. I don't know. Unless that's like they walked in covered in poo in the shower, I mean, it sounds like it if they're rolling in it. What the fuck is happening here? It's Australia. I don't know.

When I was there, people, I don't know who, raided the girl's cabin and trashed them. Oh. For example, clothes everywhere, bags for our clothes, torn, and more angry. emoji. Let me say that my teachers told us so many times that no pranks were allowed, and on the fourth night, they yelled at us because they wanted it to stop. But after that night, it kept happening, also during the activities the next day. Oh, no. Trust me when I say this, no one would keep doing it because no one would try the teachers that screamed and yelled at us. Also, the back window to my cabin had no fly net, so people, girls and boys, kept opening the window from the outside, even sometimes while the girls in the cabin were getting changed. What? No one did it when I was getting changed, thank God. and the staff didn't even give a damn. The activities were okay, the best being everyone's favorite horse riding. Overall, I think it's a waste of money

and a waste of your time. What more could I say? End of review. Ten prayer hand emojis. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, you got to wonder. You got to wonder, this all just sounds a little backwards to me. It's the thing about nobody would have done it.

But then who did? What do you mean? None of us would have done it. Or does she just mean none of us in Cabin 13 would have done it? it. Because she's like, oh, nobody would do that after getting yelled at, but it kept happening. I have no idea. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, is it a goat? Maybe it's a poltergeist. Mm, who's... Well, it's clearly unlucky cabin 13. Like, true. Because you're in 13, you have the showers and everything. Like, clearly this is the least fun cabin to be in. The windows are broken.

Like, it sucks. It got raided. Like, this is not the cabin you want to be put in. So it sounds like that's already known. So, yeah, maybe it's a poltergey. What's funny is there only, like, like six cabins total. They just named one of them 13 because it sucks so much. They're like, there's no way around it. Yeah, yeah. We're going to also put a big sign on it. This shower here just to fuck with the wall.

It's part of the curse. Yeah. They actually keep taking it down. We make them. Suddenly pops up again. We just put pools of wombat poop all around. It's just, yeah. Think your favorite theme park attraction is world class?

Well, we're putting that claim to the test on for your amusement. The podcast where we exhaustively evaluate the world's most popular. theme park rides and attractions. I'm Ryan Bergara. And I'm Barron. And on this podcast, we'll hit everything from the legendary classics to the newest headliners in full detail. That's right. The thrills, the theming, the storytelling, the history, and whether they actually deserve the hype. One attraction at a time. We're answering the ultimate question. Is it truly world class? We nailed that. We're answering me. You love it. Find out on for your amusement. Follow rate and review for your amusement wherever you get your podcast. Bye-bye.

This is another one of Camp Ernst, one star by Dirk. I was looking at sending my child out here for a week this summer. When I was trying to register, it literally asked for pronouns. Freaking pronouns for a fourth grader? We'll definitely be seeking somewhere else, not going to send my child to a camp that coddles mentally ill people. Jesus.

And he have to witness all the blue hairs. End of review. It's like a fucking bot wrote this. Dirk. I mean, my goodness. It's like hitting all the points. 67 reviews, so he's probably got a lot to say. And probably not a single pronoun.

Oh, no, I think they already use a pronoun in there. Shoot. No, wouldn't ever do such a thing. He doesn't have pronouns. Yeah. Witness all the blue hairs. Oh, my God. It's like, when was that written?

Good question. Like, I feel like that was a thing. months ago. No. Two months. People still doing the blue air bullshit. You said like doing the blue hair. Bullshit.

It sounds like you're saying like dying your hair blue. Yeah. I mean like that being a thing. Yeah. Being like a trope. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

You're like people doing blue hair. I'm like, you're going to get some comments. Yeah. Someone who had his hair purple at some point. Don't worry. Yeah. You're like what we're still doing that. That's not what I meant.

Oh my God. I'm kind of glad you said that. It sounded pretty bad as an isolated son. In hindsight. Yeah. I said that kind of funny. Here's a five-star review of that Australian camp. Oh, boy.

Oh, okay. I want to hear redemption. I put a pee under seven of their mattresses. In Cabin 13, I imagine. Probably. I ain't no princess, so instead of feeling the pee, I fell off and broke my toe. Thanks for the Band-Aid. End of review.

I don't know. That's a fucking artist, whoever this is. Focus the new bleach is their name. They're way deeper than anything I can comprehend. This is their only review and it was from six years ago. Yeah, there's depth to this. There is. It might have already just kind of burnt itself out.

Like that was maybe just a supernova type shit. Yes, thank you. You're so welcome. You get it. You get it. This is my last one. It is a one-star review sent in by Matt and Elise of YMCA Camp Dakota. And this was written a month ago.

Okay. One star by D.K. refused to fly the American flag. I was there in about 2016 to 2017. They never flew the American flag. They only did it for July 4th. And even then, it was forced by camp attendance, aka people who signed up to be there.

Do not come here if you value your child's freedom. End of review. What the hell is happening at these fucking cans? The fact that it was also written a month ago, but it was about the year 10 years ago yeah they're like yeah remember that time 4th of july it's like a month ago this was like in the time period same time period but like yeah yeah weird maybe there was oh they probably got a facebook memory look at this memory from 10 years ago and he got mad all over oh and was like i never wrote a review i was thinking it came up at the barbecue a could be too and they just started ranting about how this summer camp didn't display the american flag but i love that they like they like mutinied the attendees were like like Oh, and if you don't know what that means, that means the people who are at the camp. Didn't they just say that, basically? They, like, explained what it meant.

Yes, exactly. Forced by camp attendance. But also, attendant could be, like, a helper. So it sounds like maybe they had to specify, like, AKA people who signed up to be there. I think they meant attendees. So they didn't even use the correct. You're right. So never mind.

So I'm glad they clarified because I would have assumed that meant, like, the people working there. But so basically, the attendees mutinied to put up the American flag. on the 4th of July because otherwise their children's freedom was at stake. Fascinating. Or are the children the attendees and they mutinyed because their freedom was at stake. But they didn't mention was this was a German summer camp. Oh dear. In a German village.

Oh, dear. And that's why they had a German flag out. That's the problem. Yeah, that was a problem. It's a huge problem. It's treason. And the children were going to do something about it. There was a mutiny to use American dollars too instead of Deutschmarks.

That's a little extreme, I think. Okay. I see where you draw the line. What would I do with all those Deutschmarks, though? Buy flour in Oregon. That's literally the only place that takes a Deutsche Mark anymore. I hope they do. And I mean literally the only one.

I hope they do. Yeah. This is my last one. This is of the same Australian one with an owner response. Four stars. This place is excellent in activities, cabins, and food. But the water is extremely bad. It tastes like metal.

And by the way, I just came back from a school camp there. End of review. Okay. I mean, yeah, again, like, I've never really been to a summer camp, but, like, kind of rusty water. It feels, not rusty water. That sounds bad. But, like, water that doesn't taste, like, home, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I will say a lot of people complain about the water. I mean, you probably aren't supposed to be, I don't know. And they were like, it's water from the town, or it isn't from the town. It's different from the town. Yeah. Water.

different from what they're used to kind of thing. It's probably well water. Yuck. Yeah, don't drink that. Well, maybe do. Well. Well. Don't drink that.

You know who lives down there. That's scary. Does this ring a bell? Oh, the wombat pooper. That's what you look like. You look like you'd poop cubes. I look like I run the iguana rock climbing camp and you know it. Yes, true.

You're a chubby gamer idiot. I was trying to be Samara from the ring, but I guess I'll take chubby gamer idiot instead. This one was written by Muhammad, and that's relevant, the one I just read. It's relevant, thanks. Because the owner responds. Oh, okay, okay. There we go. This isn't the Muhammad from the very clean room 15, is it?

End of response. We even put you in famously clean room 15. And again, there are only six of them. So it goes 13, 15. So maybe they just put, maybe he's like, I'm in cabin five in my room and it's like really dirty and they're like, let's move you to cabin 15 and they just put a one in front of it. Oh, what? Now it's Gavin 15. Oh, the clean one?

Yeah. Okay. I mean, I don't know. Clean 15. Oh, that does have a ring to it. How could you argue against that? I didn't want to. It's not you.

I mean, Muhammad. Like, what would you say? Why argue? It's a compliment. Is it not? Oh, he said it was clean. Yeah. Oh, I was thinking that the place was not.

Oh, no. They said, you're from the very clean room 15. No, but what was the original review? Just that it's excellent. The water is extremely bad. Oh, it's like metal. Oh, it's a water was bad. Okay.

I don't know why in my head I was thinking they were like, no, we know. Like, they were correcting him almost. Got it. Like that they were like, you were in clean water. room 15 with clean water. Oh, you were the one cabin that had clean water. Yeah, and famously, you're not allowed to complain about the water because we put you in that special cabin.

That's what I was thinking was happening, but about the clean room. Got it. I thought he was like, my room was messy and they're like, but you were in clean 15. So how could it be messy? And I was like, what a wild. Like, what a wild like, just like gas lighting. Like, nope. It's actually incorrect.

I'm going to move on to my challenge. Great. Reviews that complain about the traffic that a business causes. Okay, okay. So here is something that Andy sent in of a real estate company in Wisconsin. One star. Very unorganized, very rude lady. Didn't control the traffic on our road, which is a dead end, blocking driveways of other residents on the street.

It was a three-ring circus. Wouldn't hire them to clean out my garage. End of review. It feels like a lot of, I'm a little confused. Like, why should she be directing traffic? Yeah. It's a three ring circus. You don't want them cleaning out your garage.

It just feels very disjointed. I would ask them, I would give them a C on this and ask them to like maybe write a little more to connect the statements. They just feel so disconnected. I'm a little lost. I think they would need a second person to be able to handle all this, you know? So it's kind of unfair to the one real estate agent. The owner did respond and said, We haven't had a sale on a dead-end road for over two years.

Yeah. There hasn't been a sale on a dead-end road. Then at the end, they said, hope you can figure out what company you're referring to and do a proper review there. Hey, leave someone else to one-star review, one of our competitors. That sounds a lot like a rude lady to me. Uh-oh.

I wasn't thinking that. Maybe we found her. No, no, no. I was thinking it sounds like a lady who can't direct traffic. Actually, what you were thinking was it sounds like a female who is rude. And you can't direct traffic. I'm a little telepathic sometimes, so I can pick up on what you're saying. You were just hearing the word female, female, coming from my brain.

Yeah, and I was like, oh, not again. Yeah. Yeah, don't get me started on females. I know. I tried not to. I'm my cracker barrel wife. Here's a one-star review of a Trader Joe's that Andy sent in as well. I love Trader Joe's.

And this one is just as awesome as the rest. The one-star is. is for your one way slash entrance slash exit parking lot. Seriously, city planners, Trader Joe's is one of the most popular grocery stores in any town. Why, why, why would you only give them one way in and out in the parking lot? Traffic around her sucks bad enough. This just makes it stupid. Note, I am from NYC, and I just moved here from D.C.

I know traffic. Please fix this mess. End of review. Slap a roundabout on it. Oh, yeah, right on the, all the Trader Joe's. Slap a don't lock the box from New York. Yeah. Slap a roundabout from D.C.

You're good. No, I mean, Trader Joe's famously has parking. Horrible parking lots. Yeah, I don't think that's the city planners' fault. Yeah. I mean, it might be, but I feel like that's kind of how they designed them for some reason. And I don't know that like the city planners are going to listen to if you just say you made it stupid. Like, I just feel like that's not really

Like you've already made your point You don't need to just throw in like you made it stupid Because I feel like that's just not going to be like That's like a non-starter I would agree Yeah But they might not be wrong They might not be wrong

Totally But the Attorney General is not You're going to hear you out if you start with that And you don't want the newspaper So you whisper it right Is that what you said earlier? Just whisper it No, I was thinking they should post on the Kathy blog forum

Oh right Then we'll all bear arms Against the Trader Joe's, which some of the ones with some union busting and shit, maybe we should take up arms against them. Maybe I shouldn't say that, but maybe I'll just feel that inwardly and projected outwardly. Again, whisper it like you keep recommending other people do. Take up arms. No, I don't know.

No. Sorry, raise your arms. Is that better? Because there's plausible deniability. YM.C.A. Yeah, just do that. Yeah. Yeah.

All you blue-haired freaks. So this was fascinating. I believe it. And you would understand. This was sent in by Gregory. So, of course, it is. I knew I was mad for a reason. Something ticked me right off.

I should have known. So he sent in a few things. And these are all about the same area in Charlottesville, Virginia. There is an infamous location known as the chicken strip. Oh. Also known as chicken alley by a KFC and Popeyes.

And there's a Raisin Cains. Oh, I see. And someone did mention the Zaxby's that's often forgotten there. Yeah, okay. And apparently the traffic is terrible. Oh, yeah, I can only imagine. Reminds me of like in and out traffic in L.A.

Jesus Christ. Yes, where they did actually have traffic. And they honestly probably went through cars very quickly. It actually did feel pretty quick, usually. But like it was always back to. because there are so many fucking cars. Yeah. So this traffic often backs up onto US 29 southbound, which is a major high-speed road,

and it's right before a major interchange and split, and it causes accidents and annoys people. Here is a Reddit post. Stop blocking traffic. It's fucking chicken. If you are the person that blocks traffic for Raising Kane's chicken, then you are the worst type of person. That is all. Thank you. Okay, come on.

Okay, but it's also like if you're in a spot and you're like, shit, what do I do? and my kid is screaming or I'm home. Like, I don't know. What are you supposed to? Your car accidentally is just in the flow of traffic? I feel like that's not your fault. I agree. If you're, like, blocking traffic to an unreasonable bound and you could move and maybe make,

okay, fine. Yeah. Like, while I often say, and I do believe this, if you're complaining about traffic, you're the traffic. Not that this person's complaining. And I think in this case, it usually is a planning issue, either the restaurant or city planning or something, where it's like this is an issue that needs to be dealt with by someone other than the people, which is very true for most issues that this country has.

Stupid. Can you stop it? You sound, you may, just say, they made it stupid and we'll know what it means. Made it stupid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now I'm ready. The thing is, the Attorney General listens to this podcast, so I want to make sure we handle this correctly. Well, we have him on the horn as well as the press at all times, just in case. Him, you think only he-hins can be a fucking Attorney General? Actually, my Attorney General's don't have pronouns, so...

A comment. only in the USA will a state-of-the-art city's infrastructure not even be able to contain our love for fast food laughing emoji, American flag emoji and then someone responded to that state-of-the-art city I'll stop you right there and there was another write-a-thread and I'm just going to read the main post

and these are in our Charlotte's film fucking tracks I was like what are you talking about How many car accidents has the canes drive-through caused on 29? Does anyone have a number? Oh, chicken alley is a hazard. Raising canes should be forced to fund the construction of a chicken alley bypass for the safety of everyone. Oh, my gosh.

Forced to fund. See, these city planners are apparently not getting the recognition if this is what they're dealing with. Like having to force corporations to build an overpass. Oh, my. A bypass. A bypass? A bypass. A overpass?

It just goes above the trap, like that specific traffic. And then it's like American flag in a laughing emoji. It's like, America, am I right guys? And here's a review. This is a two-star review. First time trying RC wasn't overly impressed. The place was completely packed. I mean a madhouse.

Neither here nor there, but had higher hopes. The drive-thru was all the way out into the street. Not they were doing a fairly good job getting people their orders inside, but they ended up messing up our order. and had to redo it. Then, we didn't know whether we liked the cane sauce, so we asked if they had other sauces. The young lady said yes, honey mustard, so we asked for that.

Then they charged us 44 cents for it? Not a bunch or extra, just one small container. $13 for the meal and you don't get at least one included? We then had to clean up a table to have a place to sit. We did see someone checking the soda slash tea machines, but no one cleaning tables. When we left, the garbage can was overflowing. They also had an armed security outside with a bulletproof vest on.

Oh, my God. He was helping direct traffic in the parking lot. I'm not quite sure what goes down in the parking lot, but he seemed a bit hardcore. I'm pretty sure what goes down in the fucking parking lot. People are hungry and they get pissed off. And they have a need for literal armed guards. Like, that's America laughing emoji. That's so true.

The food was so-so. Couldn't pull apart the chicken fingers. They were pretty rubbery. The fries were an overly season and were more mushy than crispy. The toasted bread was nice. Thought their coleslott tasted just like KFCs. The decor was very cool, though. Iping up UVA since they were in Charlottesville.

Tried them now, but one time was enough. End of review. I mean, it's a helpful review, I suppose. It actually gives me some actual insight into what's going on at this place. Yeah. Doesn't sound like it's for me. Yeah, it's something where I'd go, and I'm like, well, it's exactly like I expected. It's pretty much precisely what I imagine.

Here's another, one more, one star. My one star review is specifically in regards to the parking lot and the traffic it causes. This location needs some serious parking attendants, guiding traffic, or they need to relocate. I'll probably say serious parking attendants, as if there's not one with a fucking gun. Yeah, the one with the bulletproof is not enough. No. They need something up the level of security. I thought they'd take this seriously.

Yeah. They only have one armed person here. That parking lot design creates a bottleneck. It backs traffic onto the main road. Just today I saw 10 cars backed into the main road and causing intense traffic. Not to mention it also indirectly causes stupid and reckless driving from people trying to swerve out of lanes due to the traffic from raising canes. That's starting to sound like a poem. It was sounding pretty good.

And I'm not going to read this whole thing. I mean, I did to myself, but I'm not going to read it to you all. So Gregory attached an official government study by the Virginia Department of Transportation about just how bad it is. And it's statistics from January 1st, 2019 to December 31st, 2021, 2023. Oh my God, it's like a case study? Like, it really has become, wow, okay. Here is the title of it. Emmett Street from Holiday Drive to Kroger Way, colon, chicken alley.

And then it explains the issue, and then here's part of it. It says this. Observations reveal drive-through traffic from raising canes caused congestion on Emmett Street multiple times a day. 54 crashes occurred in this area, including 20 rear ends, 19 angle crashes, and 11 sideswide crashes. Congestion and slowing or stopping traffic were often cited as causes of rear end collisions. Oh, my God. And then they had like a table of the different types of accidents and whether there are any serious injuries. There were three total serious injuries in that time, one minor, and then 13 no visible injuries.

Thank God. So, yeah. No fatalities, I'm assuming? Correct. Jeez, old Pete. So some wild shit that they did an actual study. Holy crap. As you'd hope, they would do.

Yeah. I don't know if anything came of it. Finally, they listened. Someone said, this is stupid. And the city planner said, you're right. We got to do somebody about this. And then they just watched it and we're like, cool. That was fun.

They're like, let's count how many people get hurt. Just kidding. A fun game. No, hopefully they deal with that somehow. I don't know. That shit is really annoying. I have something from Corinne, she heard. Okay.

And this is of the Carolina Renaissance Festival. Oh, oh, there's parking, yeah, okay. It's a different type of traffic. Oh. Food is good and prices are fair. Get it? They put the get it in parentheses. Yeah, I figured.

Staff is fantastic and role plays so well. Plan to walk a lot, bring good footwear, and lots of sun, so a parasol is a good costume addition. Walkers, strollers, wheelchairs, and wagons create traffic jams. It gets very, very crowded. Everyone is wandering around and trying to take in all the sights, so they will stop in front of you and change direction with no warning. It's very easy to walk knees first into a kid who just darts across your path,

which gets old pretty quickly. I imagine for everybody. Yeah, right, exactly. Seriously, I can't overstate this. Bring your anxiety meds or vape pen or whatever to stay calm. Oh, I will. I bring it everywhere. I was going to say, I would probably need it regardless.

It's like someone threw grandparents and kids into a mosh pit. Imagine all those people who try to merge onto the freeway at 50 miles per hour or leave their cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store but can't understand why you're irritated. You must just be a jerk. All of those people will be in front of you, sucking on a turkey leg, walking at a zombie's pace. Oh my God, yeah. Wow.

Don't miss vegetable justice. It's hilarious. Tip the actors and performers to keep them there and preserve the gem. Pro tip. When you park, save your parking location on your phone so you can find it easily. End of review. Wow, very helpful. Right, some good stuff in there.

Yeah, bring your anxiety medication just in case. Wow, a lot of good tips. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've one more. It's from Kim, and this is of a chick-fil-A. Another chicken. Another chicken place.

The chicken is really causing problems. I mean, yeah. Early. This is a one-star review. The traffic this place causes. is horrendous. I have almost been hit twice while walking to the grocery store by people rushing to and from this establishment.

Oh. I've been blocked in because people won't let people back out of their parking spots because they might lose their spot in line. Oh, my. By someone who's leaving their parking spot. Yeah, like probably just put groceries in their trunk and everything. I change my mind. You are the worst kind of person if you're doing that.

Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy that people will treat others like objects over a chicken sandwich. It's not that crazy, actually. I've seen way crazier. Yeah, true. Unfortunately. I literally pray someone hits me most of the time so I can get a giant settlement.

End of review. I literally pray. Literally, everyone. You know what? The universe provides, baby, you know? Yeah, fingers cry. Abundance, am I right, folks? That's right.

Just prosperity. Just walk into the road. Have fun getting hit by cars, everyone. Yeah. At least you Americans. No, don't do that. Thank you for listening. on your challenge, Andy. Thank you, people sent in reviews. It was a remarkable caliber of like exactly

fitting the challenge. Sometimes we stray, but good work. And thank you everyone for listening to our 400th episode. It's been so special to me. Yeah. Oh, I forgot, but this was. Yeah, so did I until I until I remembered. So thanks. There's something special for like you said, 420 or something. Maybe 404. It'll be a portal. Maybe, but don't, that's four weeks from now, so probably not. As if we'll be well enough by then, please. It could happen. That will be well enough by our October live shows. Yes, buy your tickets, please. That'll help.

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