Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 401: Reviews of Fitness Trackers

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Two people wanted to vomit and no one did.For a limited time get 40% off your first Hungryroot order PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com/beachtoosandy and use code BEACHTOOSANDY. Go to zenni.com/podcast15 and use code PODCAST15 for fifteen percent off your first order, plus free shipping on all US orders over $65.Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that’s actually covered by insurance. Visit rula.com/beachtoosandy to get started.Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/beach. See if you could save when you switch to Progressive. You’ll feel good about making a savvy choice. Visit Progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back.Shop now at fabletics.com/beach to get 70- 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach, Too Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. This is Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet, and it's a podcast. We read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. We're siblings, and I am the brother host, Zandi. Hi there. I bet you didn't see me coming. I'm Christine, the sister host of the siblings. And I am also here to tell you that the theme today is fitness trackers.

I'm also here to tell you that the energy we're bringing, you shouldn't get comfortable. Jesus. In this energy. We have talked about how depressed we are, the past four episodes and made them listen to it. They know. Yeah, but I feel that in that. that time we brought a very different energy than we're bringing right now. We'll find out.

And I want to assure people that this calm, soothing sort of synergy we're having is not to be expected throughout the episode. Oh, I thought it felt sinister. It does. It's both. Okay. Why do you think they come from the Latin? Sinostra.

Don't get comfortable and listen to our show. Meaning salt. I'm not listening. This is from Andy, they, them. and it's of a fitness tracker. Like, it's just some basic, like a wearable device meant to track your heart rate and your steps. Two stars.

The title is comfortable and not informative, verified purchase. Comfortable band. Metrics were not very accurate. I didn't sleep all night, and it told me what great sleep I had had. I requested the return that day. Seemly, I don't stress either about anything. End of review.

Oh. So it was like, you're all good. You're sleeping. And this person's like, you're so wrong. Nothing is good. If you don't sleep all night, like you're naturally not going to be good, right? Like, no matter what, really. No.

A couple monsters. No, no, no. But like, maybe from inside you're thinking that, but it's not good. It's not good. Like, I think we can all like look back and say hindsight is 2020 in those kind of situations. No, probably don't. Yeah, don't listen to me. Yeah, maybe don't follow that kind of advice.

But yeah, I love that they're like, and apparently, I'm also not stressed out at all. You have no stressors. I'm fucking chill. Yeah. Chill is a pill. So love that. Love that the tracker wasn't upset enough about, which I can understand. I do too.

Yeah. I have one here. This is a review of fashion cuts and barbershop in Mountain View, California. It's a one-star review. What? I've always been happy with service, but today I left a little disappointed in my eyebrow tweezing. I chalked it up to a language barrier.

On my way out, someone, I'm guessing an employee, had parked their scooter right out the door. So as I turned, I tripped and face planted. They of course tried to help me up and gather all the stuff that flew out of my bag, including wallet, phone charger, etc. But I was so upset that I was splattered all over the sidewalk. Oh my God. On my way back to the car, I noticed my Fitbit screen had broken and my elbow was bruised and scratched and peeled.

Everyone has a nice demeanor, but the safety should take price. My hand and arm is hurting, so I hope it will resolve soon. End of review. Oh, my God. I know. The FitPit screen, so sad, you're right. One star for that, too. But I'd love, they said, I assume an employee.

Fair enough. Like, I mean, maybe. You know, it's so weird. They also arrived on a scooter. Can you imagine? Yeah, they parked the scooter. I forgot, they took a scooter. Yeah.

And they left this, and they were like, can't let anyone know that this is Mine. Let me write a review. Well, I don't know. The head injury might have had something. No, they were wearing their helmet. They put on their helmet as they were walking out. Oh, I didn't even catch that. I was so disoriented, I guess, by the whole situation. Well, thank God. I wasn't. I wasn't wearing a helmet, but I'm glad they were. Yeah. It was weird when they wore it into the barbershop, though. Well, no, it wasn't. They were like cut this exact. Mom? That's how she cut my hair. That's how I cut your hair in Los Angeles, famously.

Oh, you did do that, huh? It did, a bowl cut. Go to our YouTube channel and go to our video from 10 years ago or whatever. I told you, we switched timelines. It might be like completely, maybe you're cutting my hair in the video. Imagine that. No, thanks. It sounds terrible.

Fair enough. You'd look so much uglier. I know. I know. Here is a review of a fitness tracker with step counter. It's just a basic, like, time, date, heart rate steps. Pathetic. That's all it does.

So basic. I feel like pedometer is weird because it looks kind of like pedometer. Jesus. I mean, it doesn't look like that. It is that. Like, that is how it's spelled. Analrupus. That's from Arrested Development.

A very timely reference. Okay. So this is a two-star review by Rachel. In theory, this is a great. product for the price. However, I am unsure of how accurate it is. It seems to measure your heart rate even when it isn't on your body. It also somehow measured my blood pressure throughout the night, but I wasn't wearing it at all from 10 p.m. to 5.30 a.m. So it was just making up numbers. It also has a feature that tells you how many calories you consumed, but I don't know how

it would know that unless you physically logged your food, which you do not. Overall, it has lots of great features and a free app, but it is making me wonder if it is actually giving accurate. End of review. Obviously, it is not giving accurate. I'd like to think not. Oh, it's giving just information. But they might be guessing correctly, this watch. Maybe it's Bluetooth to you. To your brain. Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's your brain to your wrist. Like just your wrist. Well, because if it's a wearable device, that's where it's tracking all this. But it's Bluetooth. It can connect from your, you know, you think. The head's too far away to connect via Bluetooth from your wrist?

The head just feels like... Harder to penetrate with that thick skull of mine. That's right. And also it feels like a little too much to be messing with Bluetooth up there. Like let's keep the Bluetooth to like the extremities. To other parts of the body? Yeah. The lesser known extremities.

Yeah. Like your wrist. I want to show you the picture that accompanies because here is this person's heart rate for five and a half hours while they were not wearing the advice, which is like crazy because it really does like match the rest of the graph. So it's like this probably isn't real. Like you'd be so confused because. I mean, is this just like one on like a cheap one on Amazon or something? Yes.

Okay. So it's like an off brand one? You tell me. Fit bit? What is that? No, it's called STCare for your better life. Saint Care. And they also sell these cool mini pocket printers.

What the hell? Where you could print little, you know, labels. and stuff. And that's all they sell right now. Bizar. Bizarar. Yeah. So I think that answers your question, doesn't it? What's its rating? 4.1. Okay. How much is it? That's my last question about this product, I swear. 2899. Oh, wait, it's on sale. Coupon price, 2609. Wow. I have a review of... And it it already knows your heart rate. It already knows. It knows. So I don't need to buy it. You don't even need to buy it. Wait, but how do I know? Wait. Fuck. It's Bluetooth. Oh, it's Bluetooth.

Yeah. Do they have those anymore? Probably not post-COVID, but the ones at, like, pharmacies where you put your arm in and it squeezes and shakes your blood pressure. Well, I would say, like, they would have gotten rid of them, but, like, I can't imagine that anyone would have taken the timer money to get rid of those. So they're probably somewhere. They just put caution tape around them. Maybe. Or they just kind of, like, filled it with, like, other things, like a wart remover and, like.

They just stacked it on top of this chair with a arm thing. Maybe they just used it for shelving space. I don't know. It's a very terrible shelf. It makes less... What are you picturing? It makes more sense than like... But in caution, different.

I actually don't think so. I really don't. I don't. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. You are ridiculous. Using it for shelving.

Imagine they put just a bunch of, like, boxes of claritin on this blood pressure machine. That's literally what I was thinking. Like compound W. Claritin. Claritin. Oh, alphabetical. Reverse. Counterclockwise.

Counterclockwise, alphabetical. Yeah. I'm keeping up. Now, this is more of the energy that I was sort of alluding to in the beginning that I said would be coming your way. Yeah, I knew we'd get there. So I like to let the people find out.

Really? I feel like they deserve a warning. I don't think so. I don't think they deserve anything. Oh, well, interesting. We'll talk about that. I have six more hours of therapy this week. Jesus Christ.

I'm not exaggerating. Wait, you know what? What? I have three and a half. I got you beat, though. Go to therapy, folks. Clearly it's working. Can you tell?

Wow. Go ahead. Get it over with. Here's a review of The Haunted World in Caldwell, Idaho. So wait, I thought we were doing reviews of wearable devices. And I let it slide. I really did. You saw me let it slide.

I thought it was like fitness. trackers or something. I said that fitness track. You just said wearable devices, which I'm like, I'd go even weirder with those probably. Fitness tracker. Yeah, these mentioned fitness trackers.

I mean, okay. I treated it that way. I just felt like I should point it out because someone out there was like, wait a minute. I read so many freaking review. And there was, I was checking mainly Walmart reviews.

So was I. Nothing. I couldn't find anything good. Well, I was on trust pilot too, and that's where the good stuff is. Well, I found out about, the haunted world in Caldwell, Idaho. Sure.

I do want to go to Idaho. Probably not Caldwell. What do I know? Two stars. Overrated. People jammed in, nothing scary. No one in my group or the ten people in front or behind were the least bit scared, including the one girl in our group of eight who was afraid of horror movies.

That's me. That's me on the annoying one. Well, on the worst. Not one squeak. We were packed like sardines and race walked through both attractions. Oh, my God. The people behind me kept jamming into me and ripping off my shoes because we are so bunched together. And you could tell he just wanted to jam as many people through as possible, as quickly as possible.

Ripping off my shoes. I'm assuming they're meaning like stepping on the heels. What they didn't realize is it's actually like a scare actor crawling behind them and grabbing the shoes. That's a nightmare. And the person's like, stop it. Not realizing that's who it was. Oh, it's so crowded in here. And then you look down and it's like clowns.

It's a bunch of clowns crawling around. Yeah. Wow. That's my internal family system. It's a bunch of clowns crawling around. Do you know that in the last episode? We literally talked about it. Yes.

Yeah. This was a callback to the last episode and the whole clown bullshit. Yeah. Okay. Is it my turn? Nope. I'm like not even halfway through. Okay.

So being so busy going through each thing, you never really got the chance to be scared. It's just, hey, here we are. is here on forced march. Through a corn maze, let's keep on moving. There was definitely no time to dawdle or slow down. My Fitbit showed I walked it in less than 20 minutes. The only really frightening portion for my group of eight was when the two months pregnant lady was in one area

and wanted to vomit because somebody else wanted to vomit. So for $35 for a fast pass that you can order on your phone, the lines weren't bad, but seemed like everybody was just trying too hard. Maybe because we've all seen COVID. There's nothing really scary after that. and was bummed I blew $35. End of review. Oh, my God.

Honestly, ever since COVID, everything's just been kind of a bummer. And it's not really for the reason you'd think. It's actually because I'm just not scared of anything. Yeah. Yeah, nothing. Not even clowns peeling my shoes off with their creepy fingers. Nothing scares me after that COVID thing we all went through. That pregnant lady in the corner who wants to throw up.

It's pretty freaky. I know. I love that that's, first of all, two months pregnant. woman is like... What was it? What was it? So what did it say? Yeah, it said wanted to vomit.

She wanted to vomit. Okay, first of all, like... And it was because somebody else wanted to vomit. Oh, I thought it was because someone vomited. No. Nobody has... Two people wanted to, and no one did. There is literally, okay.

How scary? And you didn't even run. Your Fitbit didn't even say you had to run through it, so I'm not that. I don't feel that bad. I love how they were like, we didn't have time to be scared. Yeah. It was so busy. We were so busy walking. We didn't have time to be scared. When I first saw FitPet, I was like, oh, they're going to talk about how their heart rate didn't go up.

Nope, just about how long it took for them to walk through. Yeah, to get through it. Which you can just look at a watch, like a normal or your time on your phone. Literally. You don't need it to be a fitness device. Wait, that's such a good point. Yeah, what? Do you think they turned on, like, corn maze as the exercise? It was like, track exercise. And it was like, you're going unusually fast for a corn maze. Are you, sure this is the correct activity? I'm all about a layer and that's why I love Fabletics. As you can see, I'm wearing my newest favorite piece, my butter yellow. I've been very into this kind of color

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It does. Lunchtime sneaks up on me. Everything sneaks up on me. I get scared a lot. Yeah, and now it's not just me, right? Like, I have a child to have to care for. And so I need to be more conscious of that. And Hungry Root has been such a help.

It can be very hard to figure out what everybody in the household needs. But Hungry Root offers really great options, getting back into the school you routine makes it a lot easier. Hungry root basically gets more and more personalized. The more you use it, it learns your taste, your dietary needs. It learns Leona's. So like that tells you something. They've got over 50,000 chefcrafted recipes and over a thousand grocery items. So the variety just never gets old. Yeah, I feel like I discover something new every time I get my Ithaca lemon dill hummus. I discovered by the way if we're speaking options. And I was like, I never would have bought this. And now it's my favorite thing. So yeah, thanks, Hungry Root.

You're going to love Hunger Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40, percent off your first order, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungry root.com slash beach to sandy and use code beach to sandy. That's hungry root.com slash beach two sandy. Code beach two sandy to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. I have a review of the run me fit device, whatever that's supposed to mean. And this is a review, like I said, from Trust Pilot. One Star Review by Carol.

Please don't order anything from these people. On the first day of wearing it, it wouldn't go further than 97 steps. I showed my husband that I'm walking, but the steps remained. Next day, 37 steps, max. At that point, I contacted Run Me Fit. They asked for a video. So I sent it. Then they said they never received it.

I sent it again, and they still haven't agreed to allow me to return it. Initially, I wanted to do an exchange, but after this, I don't want anything to do with this company. End of review. What? Yeah, this is weird as fuck. Can you send a video proving how many times you're walking? Because, Carol, 37 steps. 37 steps is pretty wild, especially when these things often pick up things that aren't steps.

Right. So, Carol, are you sure you're not just like laying in bed all day? Can you prove it? Hey, we want proof of life, Carol. Before we're going to allow you to return. Hicks change this running fit. Yeah. Yeah.

And your husband's already monitoring the steps. She said, I showed my husband I was walking to prove it. And I think, yeah, once that's confirmed, maybe, prove a life, and then you can get your replacement. It's okay. Can't send us a video of yourself. And then they're like, we didn't get it. Send it again. Send another one.

Walking the other way. So fucking creepy. Don't send corporations videos of yourself walking. Send me a video of you walking. a corn maze. You know what's insane is I've actually definitely done that. Walked into a corn maze? No. Sent a video of walking into a corn maze. Maybe. Send a video of myself walking to a corporation.

Walking to a corporation. What? One of these companies had like an online thing and you had to like, it was this was way back in LA. I had to like walk toward the computer and like do an eye test. Oh, so you virtually walk. I thought you were like, literally standing outside of the headquarters of a freaking glasses company and they had you walking towards their building to see what your glass, what glasses you should get? That sounds like a bad dream you had. Yeah, that's what I thought you were explaining.

No. So you were walking to your computer for, because this company asked you to. Yeah, and I sent them the video. So somewhere there's a corporation with a video of me walking, just like Carol. So I shouldn't judge is what I'm trying to say. I was never judging to begin with. Maybe try that out for size next time. My next one's from Barbie.

This is of a winner charging clip compatible for Fitbit Alta HR, smart watch replacement USB charger adapter charge core charging cable for Alta HR Smart Fitness Watch, parentheses, two back. This is a five-star review. Works great. Fast, fast shipping. and economical. I am going to blame losing my original Fitbit charger on my cats.

They are only five months old, so are still kittens. Being kittens, they get into a lot of mischief. They love anything that they can knock off a table or out from a drawer. I had some polite company over, and Lily entered the room swatting an unopened tampon across the floor with great delight. Wow, this is Aristocats too, I think. Oh, I'd watch it. I'm loving this.

Anyway, I know better by now than to leave anything lying about. I forgot. And put my charger right next to the computer. I left the room for a while, and when I returned, no charger. I need my daily dose of humiliation that the Fitbit seems to provide. So after a prolonged search, I hopped on Amazon to get another charger. This was surprisingly inexpensive. It shipped in one day and arrived just as I was running out of battery.

Works great thus far. My Fitbit is now inviting me out for a strong. Maybe Fitbit, maybe. End of review. Wow. That's something else. That's a gem. That is.

That's a classic right there. Good old Gwen wrote that one. Instant classic by Gwen. I mean, I can just see it now. The tampon, oh my word. Cats will be cats. Now I'm picturing the kitten swatting it across the floor and you just going, oh my word.

Oh, my word. Yeah, because I'm in a wrist of cats too. I mean, I'm writing it in my words. I'm writing it in my. head right now. Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. Gio's really not.

He's like, this is enough cats actually for the day. He's like tampons. Give me the ick. It's like, oh, I'm not buying tampons for you. That's gross. That's disgusting. He only watches red pill content. He produces red pill content.

Under my roof, you know, but whatever pays the bills. Here's another review of the Run Me Fit Health Tracker. This is a one-star review by Ken, and it does have a report. from the Run Me Fit Corporation. I bought a Run Me Fit Health Tracker and Watch in August 2025. Apart from providing the time of day, the tracking is completely unpredictable and unreliable and so far apart from data provided with trackers worn in tandem.

An example, Run Me Fit data recorded 1,530 steps and a Fitbit recorded over 11,320 steps. The data is not fit for purpose. Yesterday, the tracker had recorded that my heart rate was 150. beats per minute, which was great, except that I hadn't been wearing the tracker. Despite making a complaint via their portal, I have not had a response. I love that they have a portal. This like random fitness tracker.

I just love that. Despite making a complaint via their portal, I have not had a response from the supplier customer service is non-existent. End of review. And also... It's like a 10,000 step difference between these two. And I love that. Like there's a tag on here or like a thing.

Unprompted review, it says. Trust pilot was like, we did not ask for this one. Yeah, this one. Yeah, this one, like, isn't on us. So here's a response from Run Me Fit. Hi, Ken. We're really sorry to hear that the data on your watch seems unusual. We definitely want to help get that sorted out for you.

To do that, our support team needs a little more information. When you have a moment, could you please reach out to us? And then they link the portal. No. Which I'm like, come on. But also, I'm like, they want another video. Yeah, they do. They're just harvesting videos.

I immediately made it so bad. That's their whole thing. They know their product doesn't work. But they're getting all these videos of people showing them that their own product doesn't work. And that's the master plan. Wow. It's very deep. Yeah.

I have one more review and then something else. Good. This review is of the Chilli-Cothea antique Emporium in Chilicothe, Ohio. Nice. This is a five-star review. A delightful place you could spend the entire day in. I will note that when we were there, the basement was completely dark, and we looked through the antiques by the flashlights on our phones.

There was a jump scare of a life-sized clown that made my heart rate spike so much. My Fitbit asked if I was okay. End of review. What is it going to do? No. Too bad. Siketamakachi. What are you going to do, Fitbit?

Yeah. At least on it. Contact. I don't know what it does. Right? I was like, I don't think it can even call it. It just goes, wee, weo, weo, really loud. You go like clown, clown.

Clown alert. Okay, first of all. Clown mode activated. I can't with the clowns. I'm enough. It's enough. It's enough with the clowns. I hate that it's coming back again.

Yeah. I mean, I brought him up earlier. Whoops, me. And you know, Chilacothy is not that far. It is not. Like, we could be in proximity of that damn clown right now. Yeah, we could. If you really think about it.

I mean, this is me desperately trying not to be the clown myself. I'm like, it's somewhere. I've already accepted my role. I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Good job. Thank you. You have something worse, I think.

It's the way. Well, it's the way you said I review and then something else. Yeah. Like, this isn't a review. It feels like it's going to like make me, like it's like a forum or something. No, it is. But it's no. Yeah, it is.

Forms just inherently are a little threatening because neither of us knows kind of the vibe of. Yeah, the possibilities are. The possibilities of what's going to, you know. Instead of letting the people. people find out and finding out yourself, you have to figure it out first. It seems to be your vibe. Here is something posted on cruisecritic.com. No! It is haunting me. Oh, no. I thought it was something. I thought it was going to be

something new. This is from July 2016. Original poster, Cruise and Lady, 1947. Exactly 10 years ago. 1947 Yep Off by five days But yes 10 years ago

The Post July 2016 Can a Fitbit be charged On the ship's outlet Without damage to it? They say it should be charged On a computer Won't have one with us on the cruise

Any experience with it Will be appreciated Thanks, Gwen Brackets emoji 3 I don't know what that emoji is unfortunately But people are in the know about what emoji 3 is on cruisecritic.com. You're loving this.

Access to the database. No, you're hating it because you're like, I just want them to know what it is. Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, I've had this useless knowledge for so long. And no one's ever needed it. Knowledge is power.

That's powerful. If you know that information, if you know the rolodex of emoticons on Cruise Critic, you've accomplished something great. So don't beat yourself up. Especially if you remember, like the OG. Geez, like emoji 3? I mean, that's got to be like bare bones, classic stuff. Yeah.

Guy smiling with eyebrows or something. Oh, you know, like it's got to, I would think it's like very. Eyebrows would be involved, you're right. Something either eyebrows or like just like a smile. Moving probably. What? Moving. Oh, moving.

Remember when they would go like. If you want to know, she's doing a very creepy smile thing. It's modicon 3. Okay, stop doing that with your face. They'll know. So a lot of people chimed in were like, yes, you can charge it with an outlet. Like, because apparently the Fitbit instructions or whatever said, charge this with your computer. I mean, yeah, that already feels weird that it would say that, but okay.

And so people were like, yeah, I've only done it with a charger and an outlet. So anyway, then Paul 65 says this. Just don't forget to take it off before you go snorke like I did. Oh no. Eek! They can take getting a little wet, but. but being totally submerged in salt water, not good. Thanks.

Hot tip. And then cruising lady, 1947, says this. Oh, my God. Thanks, but I only like being on the water, not in it. I know it's silly, but I'm not a water baby. But I do love being on the ship and watching the deep blue sea as the world goes by. Nothing more relaxing than that. Gwen, smiley face.

End of post. Not even an emoji three. Mm-mm. It's just classic colon parenthetical. Well, she was going back in time in that memory. So a time before emoticons. Yeah. Sometimes seems bleak, but can also be beautiful if you really think about it.

So imagine this. It's World War II. Emotocons are there. Oh, my God. Is this like the next concept for your DreamWorks pitch? Yeah. This feels like a DreamWorks movie. Just think of the propaganda possibilities.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just endless. put emoji 3 on all all freaking pamphlets and then throw them out of a plane

above England You want better People, they're going to take up arms Christine 2026 Stop doing that ugly ass face Pisses me off It's emoticon 3 emoticon 3 is not one I ever want to see again

Then you know what Gwen I'm going to rain it down from the airplanes And you cannot hide from me Remember the Lego movie? It feels like that a little bit. Tegan and Sarah could do a single. Oh my God. I love Tegan and Sarah.

Can we get them on our show, please? You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. They make it super simple. Popover to progressive.com, answer some questions, and you'll get a quick quote with coverage options tailored to your choices. Plus, you'll see which discounts you may qualify for, like the online quote discount or savings for paying in full.

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And now I only have one account. So there. Nice. Thank you. You did it. Sorry, Rocket Money did it. That's right. I just was watching.

Yeah, we love Rocket Money. I really like the savings feature. Yes. It pulls money out weekly and picks its own number. That's reasonable. Yeah, it's like adjust for you. It kind of gets your vibe. It can be so overwhelming to manage finances at any point, but it is really helpful to have, like, especially because it's very visual and they can really break it down for you.

Rocket Money is a personal finance. app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let RocketMoney help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash beach. That's rocketmoney.com slash beach. Rocketmoney.com slash beach. My challenge today was to find reviews mentioning a self-described businessman. Now, this was the most delightful thing ever. And as has happened often recently to me, I was using e-mails. And there were so many good submissions that I actually, like, couldn't read, even read all the emails. Whoa.

I know. I know that's something. And it's like heartbreaking because I know some people have, like, sent in for the first time and stuff. So anyway, if I don't read your reviews, just saying. Her heart is breaking for you. Alexander. I'm a very empathetic individual. So I've heard.

And I have a solution for everyone. If you'd like to submit, there's a portal. You can go to portal. com and submit your reviews here. And then I'll be sure to get them. Yeah. But they have to be videos. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Of you walking up to our corporation building. Every time you say that, I literally think of severance. Like, I can't stop thinking about him walking towards severance because I'm like, that's what I picture. Except the whole thing is you get fitted for glasses. Severance, but getting fitted for glasses. Or a fit bit. Fitted for a fit bit.

Fitted for a fit bit. And then you're like, oh my God, it says 37 steps. Or wait, no, your Fitbit says 11,000. But that's because you're severed. You wear your Fitbit at work. You're like, huh? I'm sorry. I'm going too deep into the bit.

Okay. So self-described businessman, Andy, they, them immediately broke the mold here and said, technically these are business women, but it's 2026 and I yearn for gender equality. I didn't know those could exist. And I say to that, Andy, this is not where you're going to find that. So nice try. Just kidding. I absolutely love these and I'm going to read them and they're very good.

Shannon gave a one-star review to a salon. Here it is. I went into the salon to get a cut in color. First of all, she was running behind. Second of all, she didn't even have all of the products she needed to get the job done. I am a businesswoman and my time is... They're all absurd. They're all funny.

That's hilarious. That's why I was so... Like, there were so many submissions that I was like... Like, I want to read every single one. Man, they're good. And I'm wondering what percentage of these people are part of MLMs. Oh, my God, I didn't even think about that. It's not that you're like...

Because who insists more that they're a busy business man? Yeah, good point. Like, I, yeah, I don't know. Like, these aren't like CEOs who are like, I'm a businessman. Right. I don't think. I mean, there's some CEO. Well, one of the submissions was like someone couldn't even figure out how to use the internet properly.

I'm like, what kind of business man are you, you know? A pencil and paper business. Oh, well, that explains a lot. I am a businesswoman and my time is very important to me and she didn't seem to care too much about that. She is very unprofessional and all over the place. She isn't organized and she had her kids running around the swan. The only reason she gets a one on this review is because she had cute kids. This isn't someone I recognize.

and hope she realizes she also needs to be a business woman on top of a hairstylist. Now, you're like spreading the gospel. Yeah, proselytizing the business. MLM. Oh my God. Could it be? They're trying. They're like, they need to be in my downline.

Hang on. She didn't even have the products she needed to get the job done. Could it be? Yeah. There's actual a possibility. There's actually a real possibility here. A real possibility. Bonat.

Yeah, that's the one. Here's a review of a post office by Andrea, one star. I really needed to use the restroom in this remote little town, but the mean little female curmudgeon of a postal worker wouldn't let me use it. I am a businesswoman, well-dressed, and in need of a restroom in this remote little town. That feels like Orson Wells was trying to predict what people would sound like in the future. Yeah, this is, huh, can you read that part again? That's hilarious to me.

Especially that they're saying, like, in this little town. Right, like it's like an alien landed, like a men in black. Like, they don't really. I really needed to use the restroom in this remote little town, but the mean little female curmudgeon of a postal worker wouldn't let me use it. I am a businesswoman, well-dressed, and in need of a restroom in this remote little town. Her statement to me was, we don't have a public restroom, use the one at Lake Francis 50 yards, down the road. So I tried. They were closed until April. It's January. I'm sure she knew.

They didn't expect you to wait until April. What if it was March? She was like, actually, I guess I could. I could wait a few weeks. People have been talking about this bathroom. I guess it's worth waiting for. Yeah, I'm busy, but not busy. Busy business woman. Maybe their business is reviewing local bathrooms. No, the post office, like, you can't just go use a post office bathroom. That's not a thing. Just because it's a little town doesn't mean you can go use like federal property. That makes it even less likely they have a bathroom. They're describing this as like a podunk like town in the middle of nowhere. And by the way, this is the first review of this post office.

Yeah, they're like, what is? Like she created a Yelp page for this in 2020. It's not like it was 20 years ago. Okay. Oh my goodness. So I tried. They were closing until April. It's January.

I'm sure she knew that. But why would she care? Anyway, after driving randomly through this town, I found a little thrift store with a public restroom. It certainly would have been nice not to mention curious if the worker at the U.S. Post Office would have been human. End of review. It's an alien. I swear to God. I can't explain this behavior.

It's so weird the writing in this podunk little town. You think like aliens would be that entitled to? No, I think it's sort of like the... What are like stormtroopers to that whole universe? Like the like minions. Soldiers. Yeah, like the pawns. Yeah, like the ones that aren't maybe the brains of the operation.

Mm-hmm. Getting themselves into trouble like this. Got it. They're sent down to like, because they're like expendable. They're like men and black type maybe. Well, that's probably even higher up. No, that's different. But they're busy business women type.

Okay. That's the energy they went with. At least in this case, it seems. I'm so curious about these businesses already, and I'm like, what are you doing there? Like, what is your purpose for being there? And they're acting like this is some... Why would you being a businesswoman in a small town? Like, it's not a hallmark movie.

No one's going to, like, roll the red carpet. It's so weird. It feels like something like that. Like, I come from the big city. You should let me pee. Were they sending, like, postcards? Like, what were they doing? Looking for a bathroom.

They wandered in to look for a bathroom. They weren't actually using the post office. They wandered in in a blazer, I presume, and were like, I need a bathroom. Yeah. And the person's like, you literally, there's one down the road. I can't help you. Like, this is a federal property. I don't think I've been in a single post office that had a public bathroom.

No, because I don't think it's allowed. I mean, like, if it's big enough, it would have it not pass the safe, the employee area. Well, yeah, like for the people. Yeah, public bathroom. Wait, what? No. What? I'm saying I've never been in a post office with a public bathroom.

Yeah, I don't think that would be a thing ever. No, I'm just, I mean, I feel like there. I'm agreeing with you. There's probably one out there. Really? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe not.

Some podunk town probably. Not this one. In the big city. This is a review of the Crown Casino by Nick. And we're back. Andy tried their best to get us off track with some, you know, gender equality. And I'm back to busy businessman, okay? Few.

I know. I was treated like a peasant. And I am a businessman of travels around the world quite a. often. That doesn't make sense. Like, the opposites are peasant and businessman? A businessman of travels around the world. Oh.

What is the peasant? You know who that sounds like Charlie Day from? It's always funny. Like a string of words that are like, wait, that means nothing, actually. I was treated like a peasant, and I'm a businessman of travels around the world quite often. I stayed in a lot of hotels in my life. First time staying at Crown Towers, they have black mold coming through the air conditioning. so I had to leave.

They made me feel so small. And the valet parking was absolutely shocking. I could not think of anything worse or any place worse to take your kids or family. This is not actually the hotel they say it is, oh, this is when I started to realize there's no punctuation and also it immediately begins to sound like, and I hate to say it, but really sounds like Donald Trump,

like the way that this is worded. So I don't know if this person just watches a lot of Fox News or something, but like it's eerie to me. Maybe I'm misremembering, but we'll see. The type, I mean, it fits that type of person who would be like, I am a businessman. Totally. Complaint about black mold.

I'm like, you don't have to mention you're a businessman to complain about black mold. Right. That's enough. You can just say that. Right. Like, if that's actually the thing, right. Then everything else is vague. It just goes on.

Like the shocking. They made me feel small. I'm sorry, that's a you problem. So you're immediately understanding where we're going here. It really just goes off the rails. Here we go. I could not think of anything word. or any place worse to take your kids or family.

This is not actually the hotel they say it is. It is actually a dump. Please listen to me. And if you need any photos or anything, do not hesitate to ask me for them. I can show you everything that was subjected to me, and I will be going to the news and 60 minutes, all my footage. Please actually stay away.

They have no idea. They aren't help you out after you tell them all this. I think you just are a liar and need to leave. That's what they told me. So if anyone is listening and want to be honest, I'm being honest and saying this is not. a place to stay. I am a builder license, so I know what I'm talking about when I say black mold. If any of you are taking kids with asthma, I would stay away. And literally, I would stay away anyway.

Like, mold is so dangerous and they do nothing about it. Do not stay here, end of review. I'm very much beginning to think there was no black mold. You don't say. That's my theory here. Yeah, it's interesting that the valet and everything else seem to be the most upsetting part, even though the black mold was what they really like harped on. You know, like the shocking parts were the part that we don't know anything about. Yeah. Like, what happened there?

That was, yeah, they said you are, I think you just are a liar need to leave. That's what they told me. I forgot to mention, sorry, that review of Crown Casino was sent in by Kelly, she heard. I was on such a role when I was finding reviews earlier from Trust Pilot. that I forgot to give credit where credit is due. Recently, my therapist decided to move on from her practice. No. No longer accepted my insurance.

You know, it happens. It happens. But then it's overwhelming because you feel like you have to start all over and the process of finding a therapist can be really stressful. But I use Rula. Yes. And sure enough, I got a few great options in my area. I found someone who was in network, who was taking in-person appointments, which was a deal-breaker for me.

And it was so easy to make an appointment and communicate with them directly. Yeah, Rula does things differently. So they partner with over 100 insurance plans making the average copay at just $15 per session. That's real therapy from licensed professionals at an actual affordable price. Take care of yourself, folks. Yeah. Thankfully, Rula makes that a little bit easier. A little bit easier for sure.

A lot of it easy. In my case, it was a lot easier. Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit rula.com slash beach-2 Sandy to get started. That's RU-L-A.com slash beach-2 Sandy. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. Oh, these old things. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. Yeah. How much did you spend on those? A million dollars? A million and one. Just kidding. I'm going to let you in on my secret. It's called Zenny. And they have the best, most affordable and stylish options for eyewear I ever did see. It's true. Same here. I love my sunglasses. Yep. Yep. I wear them every day because it's sunny. You know what? That's really a powerful endorsement. Thank you.

You're so welcome. Yeah. I get compliments on these everywhere I go. It's very exciting. And then when I don't want to compliment on them, I'm like, good thing. They were affordable so I could get a compliment-free pair that just look like normal glass. that people don't feel compelled. So, yeah, really depends on the vibe, you know. And something that our listeners might care about. They have over 150,000 five-star reviews. Well, well, well. And we know how hard that can be to get.

Yeah, it's not like we have 150,000. Hello, everybody. Where are 150,000? Just kidding. Yeah, if you've never bought glasses online, Zendie even has a personal try-on, those are so fun, too. You can test out how they look on your face and see what you like the best. That scratched up pair has done its job.

Upgrade today with Zeni. Go to Zenni.com slash podcast and use code Podcast 15 for 15% off your first order, plus free shipping on all U.S. orders over $65. The styles sell out, so don't sit on it. That's ZENNNI.com slash podcast promo code Podcast 15. Now I have the most fun thing yet. Oh. And you're going to love and hate this.

So this is a scent, a perfume called, Businessman. No. Yes, by Simone Andreoli, 2011. And just take a look. What the hell is that? The Constitution? It looks sort of like Edgar Allan Poe

kind of fell asleep on it. I'm not sure. This is where things quickly get out of hand. This was sent in by Jenny, she her, sheifer. It says, it's sort of like for Grantica, famously, but Parfumo.com. Ever heard of it? You know, can't say that I have.

I run in different circles. I guess so, yeah. So busy businessman on perfumo.com. He does not say busy business. Oh, no, I'm sorry. It does not. It does not say that. It does not say that.

Businessman. This guy, exaltatus is his username. His profile picture is a selfie of him tanning on a pool float with his chest hat out and, like, eyes close, sort of, meditation looks like pretty deep. Deep smell. Maybe it's a big, old sniff. Oh, maybe he's, right. When you want to do a big sniff.

Of the chlorine in the pool. Yeah, and your eyes closed because of your sniffing so dang hard. You got to plug your ears and all that, yeah. All right, so this is what Exaltatus wrote about the businessman perfume. Here's the title. Hey, Dad, you smell just like Basil.

Thanks, my son. And then no, there's no Bolognaise today. Title? Title. Oh, my Lord. And that's never brought up again. I don't know why. I don't know why.

That's the title. Here's a review. Yesterday, once again, I received a fragrance package containing a scent I had been searching for for a while. Included was a 10-millimeter of the mentioned businessman, which still had about 6 to 7 millimeters left. I must say, the name makes me a bit curious. Whoa, big claims. You have to prove yourself now was my first thought. Wait, what's the claim?

I don't know. It's just in quotes. Businessman? I think. Okay. That the perfume is claiming businessman energy? I guess. A light mist on my elbow.

Parentheses. The only free spot at the moment. Like what? What? I know. Wearing a shirt with elbow holes? I don't get it. Maybe gloves?

all the way to the elbow. But like in the photo, he's literally shirtless. So I'm like, clearly, like, maybe he meant like he's trying sense on every part of his body. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah, so the only, but I love that it's by the elbow. Like famously, you can't even reach the elbow with your face. Oh, that's true. Well, maybe that keeps it at bay.

So you don't smell. It's not too strong. Maybe it's like the perfect smell distance. Because, yeah, when you do that and raise your arm like that, it looks like. like you're smelling your armpit, but guess what? You're smelling your elbow, tricking everybody. But everyone else gets to smell your armpit, and that's the trick. Because you do this, you're smelling your beautiful perfume, everyone else smell in your armpit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, actually, the pharomones from the armpit mix in with the businessman on your elbow.

A light missed on my elbow, the only free spot at that moment. I love the idea that we both thought he was wearing like elbowless shirts, because I was like, what kind of shirt doesn't have elbow coverage? Oh my God, so dumb. A light missed on my elbow, and suddenly I had the aha moment. Green, simply green! You feel as if you are strolling through a field in East Asia. What? Well, we've all been there, Alexander.

I sure have. I don't know about you. Southeast Asia. Sniffing here and there at the plants, watching the farmer as he trims the field with his sickle. What? Okay. Okay, guy. completely carefree.

You settle down in the grass. Okay, this guy has a sickle. Do not settle down in the... First of all, do not settle down. I'm just realizing now that you just mentioned a man with a sickle. Okay. And now you're like, I'm just going to sit down.

Completely carefree. You settle down in the grass and notice the grapefruit in your jacket pocket. Whoa. That's where that grapefruit scent is coming from. Oh, I thought I was just happy to see that farmer. Oh. Put this sickle.

And my pheromone just smelled like grapefruit today. Oh my God. What the hell? I'm fucking loving this review. It's pincerell, yeah. You enjoy smelling it and realize these two scents couldn't harmonize more beautifully. Cut vetiver grass, grapefruit, black currant leaf, and its simplest perfection. The essence of it all, a wonderful green and slightly spicy fragrance that envelops you with a hint of dominance as an aura.

It is not intrusive, but always present. This might just become one of my new office classics. Smiley face, but it's a colon. Emoji 3. Colon. It has a nose. It has a nose. It has a note to everybody.

Parentheses, which is like, he's as softy at heart. My favorite, though, used sparingly, colon carrot smiley face. It's very good, but you're right. It's sparingly. In the right hands only. You can't do that always. You can't overdo that. I am jealous of people's sense of smell.

To me, the fact that that thing smells like those three things, that's insanity. I don't know what any of that smells like. And yet, that's such a thing that I'm like, people must be able to. discern these smells, but I'm like, my sense of smell is so bad. I think I would just be like, yeah, I can smell that. But if, like, you wouldn't have given me the words, I would have, like, made up a completely different scenario. Like, I would have been like, it smells like I'm in a paper mill being a busy business. Like, I don't think I would cross my mind what it actually smells like.

I don't know. And I'm the same way with taste. When people talk about coffee and the different taste, I'm like, that's insane to me. Yeah, forget it. It tastes like fucking chocolate. I wish. I know. They trick you.

It's called a mocha. It trick you so many times and you're like, I give up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, come on. I know it tastes like chocolate. Chocolate. You know how I judge my coffee taste.

Good or bad. Am I right, folks? Mine are bad or badder. Oh, man. We have fun. I am a card. Thanks. We're going to head out because things have just gotten out of control.

Thank you for being here. We're so thankful for you. And we can't wait to see. you next week. And live this October. That's right. We're going to be live this October. Better get your tickets fast.

Yes, they are selling out like hot cakes on the hot summer day. Uh-huh, totally. Bye. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheaper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees-W-Swed. I'm Justin Sylvester. And I'm Blakely Thornton.

Join us for Yestergays. The podcast where we break down the most pivotal pop culture moments and history and give them the queer love that they deserve. The things that got us riled up during dial-up. Those makeouts that should have been breakouts. And the drops that were cemented in pop. I'm talking Benefer. Tyra versus Naomi.

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