Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 402: Reviews of Toothpaste with Roz Hernandez

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

Even Kazoo people use toothpaste.Follow Roz on Instagram @Rozhernandez and check out "Peeing in an Empty Bottle"!For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to homechef.com/beachtoosandy.For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter code BEACHTOOSANDY.Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. Go to shopremi.com/beach and use code BEACH at checkout for 50% off with Remi Club Subscribe & Save.Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/m5k6si8w #CashAppPod Visit Progressive dot com after this episode to see if you could save. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. I am the brother host. My name is Zandi. And we brought a third sibling on again today. We're finding so many siblings out in the wild.

Today, we are visited by the wonderful Roz Hernandez. You may know her from Hulu's Living for the Dead host by Kristen Stewart. Her amazing podcast, Ghosted with Roz. But most recently, she's the author of peeing in an empty bottle and other glamorous shenanigans of an almost famous transgender comedian on the road. It's a mouthful, just like the name of our podcast. Welcome, Roz, to be too sandy, water, too wet. God, I have siblings. I have family.

Don't get excited too soon. Things get weird around here. But we're so happy to have you. How are you? Oh, my God. I'm good. I'm good. I'm like a little bit sleepy at the moment. But because everything's good, you know, the world, first of all, this country is just great. I love America. People could be better. Well, we're actually currently in Kentucky, so it is kind of a threatening sentiment, what you're saying. Yeah. But you're in California, yeah?

Currently at this moment, I mean, I travel all the time. My audiobook is about how last year I traveled to 50, I mean, I did 50 shows across America. So you got a real taste of how great, how great it really is this nation. Yes. I got to see it all, honey. America's beautiful. Do you have any experience because we read one-star reviews here and reviews of all kinds? Are you a review lever?

Or do you read your reviews that you are left? What's your like relationship to the review world? I've never left a review for anything. That's good. That's a good thing. We like that. We don't, yeah. Okay.

I mean, it's content for us. It's a green flag. That's what I just like. It's a green flag. Unless it's five-star reviews. But we don't really read those too much. Yeah. I know.

And like I really majorly appreciate. them when it's on like my audio book or podcast or something like that. That's amazing. But I personally don't leave. Well, one thing we do with our guests, we make them write a five-star review of our show as no, forget it, as payment for being on. I would. No, no. That would be your first review ever. Can you imagine? But I read, I read reviews when I go places. I spend most of my time in a hotel room by myself someplace, any place. And so. So I'm always trying to figure out something to eat. So that's where the reviews come in.

But reviews of like my own stuff, I read them if I can tell that they're going to be good. Oh, well, that is a gift in and of itself for sure. The key is to find somebody else to go through your reviews. A curator, if you will. And send the ones that'll make you happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's nice.

I don't know anybody. We say that because we've done that before. We've made people go find reviews for us that. we read one-star reviews of our own show as an episode, and we made someone else go look through the reviews because we were like, well, we can read some, but we can't read all of the one-star reviews. Like, that'll just dampen the morale a little time.

I don't like reading the one-star reviews that I agree with that are actually honest and might have a point. Those make me sad. Right. Those are like, I don't want to look inward. Yeah, yeah. I'd rather read the one-star reviews that are ridiculous. Like someone claimed I had an affair in North Carolina.

He's like, I've never even been to North Carolina. It was such a, that was a weird one. Wow. Things get weird around here. It's all about the human condition this podcast, you know, as you can imagine. Speaking of weird for not much of a reason at all, we picked reviews of toothpaste today. So we'll be reading a lot of one-star reviews about toothpaste, including a little game. There's a game in there.

Ooh. Am I first? You can go first. Okay. And we also don't know what the other person brought. So it's a surprise for everyone else. Here we go. This is a one-star review titled Hate This Toothpaste.

Very disappointed in this toothpaste. It turns to a watery substance when it hits your mouth almost instantly. Just dribbles out. Taste is not good at all. It leaves globs of white, gloppy substance in your mouth a while after brushing that you keep trying to spit out, like a white mucus. Ew! That got her It just kept going

I like Crest Complete Much better end of review Hey that feels like product To be fair they were reviewing Crest Pro Health Advanced Deep Clean Mint Fluoride toothpaste Oh so it's like okay same brand So they switch to a different crest product This is like an alien that's never brushed its teeth before I think

Yeah It turns to a strange substance when it hits the mouth Yeah that's kind of the point That's what you do. That's kind of the point, though. It's like they've never experienced toothpaste before. It dribbles out. Does yours dribble out?

Is that normal? That's the way I do it. Well, it's like this, what was the phrase, the mucus? What was the, they said a lot of phrases. Yeah, I don't like. Globs of white, gloppy substance. What the fuck does that mean? I don't know.

I don't want to know. I think it means exactly what it sounds like. I have a review here. This was sent in by Kirsten. And it is a review of just, I don't know, a no fluoride, organic toothpaste, okay? One star by Old Dog 56. Okay. I love names, by the way.

Like, I love screen names. It's important a lot of times. Like, we've noticed, like, there are definitely patterns. There are, like, you just kind of know what you're going to get with a certain, like, especially when we read reviews from QVC, for example, like, there's a specific type of QVC username, you know, like grandma, Pam, or what, that's actually our grandma's name. That's our actual grandma. It's not a good example.

But, you know, she might like QVC. I'm not really sure. And I should say that last one was written by Thunderthud. See, it's important. Good enough. I should have said that earlier. But Thunderthud does not like globs of white cloppy substance. Stop saying that.

Okay. Here's a one-star view called I love a no-stop. fluoride product by Old Dog 56. I liked it. I used a regular and charcoal product. Both work excellent. However, now I live in Chicago. And the closest place that was inexpensive was Wally World.

And they decided to close up shop because they might have been vandalized in this latest round of what the heck's going on today. End of review. Ain't that just the way? What just happened? Ain't that just the way it goes? He can't find his two-faced because the Walmart's been vandalized. And this reviews a little bit of a commentary on society.

Well, yeah. What's going on? I think this is like one of those instances where they meant to do, I mean, it's an, this is an old dog here. You've got to remember that. I think that they meant to do like a Facebook status and then. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of crossover.

If it were thunder thud, that's not what it would be. No, the vibe would be totally different. That'd be like posting on X or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. All right, your turn. This is a one-star review written by E titled Pass, Odd Flavor combo. And this is of Sparkle Fun, Children's Toothpaces.

I remember Sparkle Fun. Well, here's what E has to say. Do not care for the flavor. Bubblegum plus Mint. The product is described as featuring fun-filled sparkles and Sparkle Fun Flavor. What does that mean? It's a plain blue gel. I far prefer.

Act kids, anti-cavity, fluoride toothpaste, bubblegum blowout. Please, don't act like you're not a weird corporate, like robot. That's insane. Nobody sends that. Sparkle fun, what does that mean? I prefer bubblegum blowout. Everyone knows what that means. Wait, so from your experience with all these reviews,

how often is that happening where it's like company robots or whatever? You know, never. I don't know why I keep saying that. I don't know. Maybe not never. Probably more than we've realized. Maybe more than we realize. But it just seems when these people use these really long phrasings of the types of toothpaste and just feels so.

I wouldn't be surprised if they're like bot reviews. I don't know if these companies really need that. Act has like a special budget for subterfuge. I will say probably a lot of the five-star reviews are at least purchased and written by like people on like all over the world. And they just as somebody who's been. paid to write reviews before, fake review. Really? I have been, yeah.

It was before this podcast. I've been paid to write reviews. They were sort of real of neighborhoods in Cincinnati. Mine were not real at all. Yours were just completely. Mine were. So you can't really trust anything on the internet anyway, but. Yeah.

If they have me, someone paid me to write reviews. What was your username? Old. I can't tell you. You can't tell me? It's not appropriate. Gloopy white mucus. This is one of my nicknames, true.

They do call you that. I just remembered something. My favorite ever, well, I love looking on Amazon at reviews. See, it really gets you. No, those are the best ones, like, especially when they have pictures. But my favorite, that's like the cutest thing ever. So I have a dog who, he's a couple years old. He's a rescue.

He was born with no eyes. and he's a little bit sensitive. He's a little bit. Are you kidding me? Okay, I'm downplaying it. He's the sweetest thing ever, but he turns into a real monster when you start grooming him because I don't know. He's just can't see it coming. I don't know.

It's just like it's bad. He gets like. Sensory overload. He'll bite your face off. Like seriously. And I've taken him to several groomers that have called me to come pick him up because they can't do it. Whatever. So I was desperate and I was trying to find all different kinds of products. And I found it's like, I think they call it just like a grooming hammock or something like that, like where you basically put all four legs in like a thing and they hang up in air. And if you look at pictures on Amazon, it's these, all these like badass dogs. that are like, you know, total asshole dogs that are, like, defeated.

And they're just-humiliated, humiliated. Humiliated. And they finally got God because they tried. You can make a whole calendar. You know how they do those cat-shaming calendars? Like, you could do just, like, dogs in a hammock calendar. True. They're so funny, especially because it's, like, you have to get creative with how to hang it up.

And it's a lot of people with it. Do you have one? I do have it. Did it work? Yes, but ultimately I found a groomer that is expensive, but willing to take the time, and I don't, I can't do it on my own because I don't want my dog to think of me as, like, the bad guy. But so people have to, like, do it in their shower, like, curtain rods and stuff. So it's all these dogs that are just, like, hanging, like, so pissed off.

It's adorable. Look at that. They're just like, I've given up. I used to be a wolf in the wild. Exactly. They're just hanging there like, fuck, you got me. If you ever been rock climbing and you go up and then you fall and you're just like dangling in this like big harness that feels like a diaper.

You suddenly feel like a child. Yeah, you feel like a child. You're just like, oh, I'm defeated. Yeah. And I just have to be let down slowly. Yeah. By someone who just watched me fail. Oh.

That's dark. Have you guys been rock climbing? Yeah, I used to do it a lot. He was in that for a minute. My friends were and I was like, I guess I am now too. I was definitely the least enthusiastic about it, but probably because I was the worst. Well, I went once with you to the actual climbing gym and then I climbed all the way up and I was like, hell yeah. And then they were like, well, it's an auto spolunker thing.

And they're like, so now you just have to repel down. And I was like, but there's nobody to catch me. And they were like, well, it'll auto catch you. And I was like, but what if it doesn't? And they were like, well, it will. So I stayed up there for like. like, it was like a half hour. I wouldn't trust that for two seconds.

I was so mortified, but like then everybody kept looking up and I was like, it's, don't worry about me. And then like, go on with your day. It's fine. I'm fine up here. Right. And then like, Alexander kept having to tell everybody like, keep on moving. This isn't going to be free for a while, this piece of equipment.

And then I told them to go as an employee. And the employee was like, we literally, legally cannot bring you down. You have to like jump off the wall. And I was up there, like, fighting for my life with my own brain. Like, just jump off the wall. And I'm like, but there's, my brain is like, there's no person. I don't know. It was a, so then I started like climbing down the wall and they were like, no, no, no, you can't do that.

You got to jump. Yeah, I think it's like, safe. This is my word. That's what they said, but I was like, but what if they're tricking me? What? We had this argument over and over. I was like, but what if you're lying? And they're like, well, we're not lying.

And I'm like, but I don't know. That's what a liar would say. Anyway, I never went rock climbing again. And I was never actually invited, which is weird again. That's true. By your friend group. That's true. I was thinking of going again, and I was also thinking, oh, I better remember not to invite her.

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slash Beach2 Sandy must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. Okay, well, you know, speaking of Amazon reviews, Roz, I actually have a review of a product I could only find on Amazon, which is flavored toothpaste, but it's novelty flavored toothpaste. And they've got some wild stuff out there. You know, what will they think of next? There's macha flavored toothpaste. Oh, God. Vomit, really bad. Pickle coffee.

Oh, my God. Are those together? No, those are separate. Does that help or make it? Pickle, comma, coffee. Worse. I don't know. What's the point?

It's like mostly a gag gift, but some people actually really like it, which is when it gets a little sick. But does it like help the case? Okay, so I actually thank you for asking, do you have an ingredient list here for the pickle flavor. And it does have pickle flavor in the ingredients. And it appears to have actual, yep, actual active toothpaste ingredient plus pickle flavoring. Ew. I hate pickle flavoring. It grosses me out.

I don't like. It's like capital PF too, so it's got to be bad. Oh, God. You know, it's not like from, it's like some weird, like, extract of pickle. They've somehow, like, sourced. I don't know. Okay. Okay.

That's not mean. I don't know what it means, but it can't be good. Okay, so here is a one-star review. This is by Jody, verified purchase. It's called Burns My Tong. Not sure if it's just a me thing, but this toothpaste made my tongue burn for an entire week after I stopped using it. End of review. Stopped using it?

That's what I said. What do you mean? Stopped using it. You got to keep putting it in your mouth then. Long are you using this thing for? It's a gag gift. Is it curing you of something? It made the tongue burn for a week.

I don't know, but can I just, before we even move on to yours, I'm going to read you this because I found this. This was written at a completely different time by a completely different person, one star by Tristan, called Don't Buy It. According to other reviewer Jody, Not sure if it's just a me thing, but this toothpaste made my tongue burn for a full week after I stopped using it.

This proves how pickles can't be combined with toothpaste. Obviously, this was a bad idea from someone that tried it. How bad can pickle and toothpaste be combined? And how bad can it burn? End of review. Well, that's the thing you don't know until you try. That's beautiful, yeah. And they tried and they learned it's not.

You know, but a lot, I will say this product has 4.4 average. Starry. Yes. People are in love with the stuff. It's a gag gift. Now I kind of want to try it. No, people like the gag part of it. Like my mother-in-law loves pickle. I'd be gagging if I tried it too. One of the captions or titles or views was L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L. And I was like, okay, that kind of gives you the vibe of who's reviewing this five stars. Yeah. It's people that want to have a little fun with their... Just a little L-O-L in their day. Live, Laf, Love. Okay, I've got one by Steamer Girl. This is a one-star review titled Burns the Skin Off Your Tong. Okay.

I found that my mouth would burn a little after brushing. I had dry mouth. It didn't happen every time. After a while, my tongue kept getting canker sores, and my tongue had a white coating of sorts. I didn't think it was a toothpaste. I had been using it for like seven months. Yeah, and you've been like to develop.

developing an entire ecosystem in your mouth. Stop. I called my doctor to ask about my tongue, and she called in an antifungal mouthwash, just in case it was thrush. I used the mouthwash and was brushing my tongue three times a day. With the same thing? With the same thing that's making the thing.

Oh, my God. They just, I guess, didn't realize it. My tongue even started to bleed at times. Recently, I looked on Amazon at the reviews, and it is happening to others as well. I stopped using Crest Pro advanced and started with the cheap $1. Cold Gate and it has been a week. No more dry mouth, canker sores, and my tongue is almost back to normal color.

Oh. I was scared. I had mouth cancer, et cetera, when using Crest. Et cetera. End of review. Mouth cancer, etc. That's a pretty wild thing to say. It used to pretty well.

Also, I hope there were no pictures attached to that review. Not that one. The only picture I feel like I remember is a selfie under a tooth whitening toothpaste. Oh, that's helpful. And it was a selfie of them smiling next to their horse. Oh, that's not helpful. It was just like a selfie with a horse. That's not helpful. I thought you were going to say before and after.

I really, and then I read the review and I thought there was going to be mentioned of said horse, but there wasn't. Okay. Now, that actually brings up a question. Do you guys know, do horses use toothpaste? Do you mean, like, do they use it or do humans use it on them? Well, yes. Do you have to brush a horse piece? I don't know.

It's a mystical world sometimes. I just think we on. Knowing people, I mean, knowing the type of people. or that own horses? I imagine they would. I've known a few horse girls in my day, and I imagine that's probably one of the things they participated in. I feel like they would put braces on their horses and teeth if that was an option.

Yeah, matching rubber bands. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah, I feel like, especially like all the grooming people do of horses, I could see that being a thing, but I don't know. Yeah, just like whitening together as like a little slumber party, whitening our teeth together with my horse. Actually, I'm kind of in love with that idea. Well, I think this might also answer your question,

Ross because I do have um this is a another organic toothpaste um and this is listening by Taylor it's a charcoal. Have you ever used a charcoal toothpaste? Yes. I've used a charcoal toothpaste and I have as well. Didn't know if it was doing anything so I just stopped using it. Okay. This is a five-star view for charcoal toothpaste by smoke by smoke. Smoke after the charcoal smoke no. I know right. It's like a whole vibe very like moody. Well, it is until you hear the title, which is the purliest of pearly teeth. It's a family affair. So this might answer your question about the horse thing.

I don't know. We'll see. My teeth are now pearly white. My wife's teeth are now pearly white. My dog's teeth are now pearly white. My cat's teeth are not now pearly white. He did not want the excellence that this product provides. He is a jerk.

End of root. So everyone but the cat got those pearly whites. 935 people found this review helpful. Oh. That's something. I bet if they had a horse, they would have tried it. You know what I mean? Like if they tried it on the cat.

Yeah. I wonder what other animals we should try it on. A possums, maybe. No. They deserve better. Probably. I have a review of Colgate Total Whitening toothpaste with fluoride. This is a one-star review by Judy.

Bad for IQ. Feeling hazy in the brain. Fluoride is a neurotoxin. Oh, my God. bad for your brain. Bottom line, don't use anything with fluoride. End of review. I use pickle toothpaste. Judy probably does. I love the difference between that person who's like, I can feel it entering my brain. And the other person who's like, I've been using this for seven months. And I've grown like an additional tongue on my tongue. And I can't figure out what's wrong.

And maybe it's mouth cancer. And this person's like, my brain is deteriorating with one use. Yeah. Because of fluoride. Also, I imagine the feeling hazy in the brain and bad for I can. part happened before all of this. You know, like, that led to them thinking fluoride as a neurotoxin, not the other way. Oh, so you think it's, I see. Yeah, chicken and the egg kind of situation. Yeah. Fluoride and the hazy and the brain.

Okay, I've reviewed of coffee toothpaste. What? What's the point? That makes no sense. Well, I get it to gag gift, but, man. Well, one star by Ashley, who says, verified purchase. There is no coffee flavor. barely any flavor at all.

Adding coffee extract would be great. End of review. She wants it more coffee. She's putting in a full order at Starbucks. Oh my God, dude. Maybe, hey, caffeinated toothpaste for your mornings? They make, like, caffeinated body wash and stuff. I feel like it's not that terribly far off.

They make caffeinated body wash? Yeah, shampoo and body wash. Does that work? I don't know, but I remember it was all. the rage back when like bacon candles were a thing. Remember that dark time of humanity? Let's not talk about that. It's really bad. Yeah. Yeah. Let's move on.

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I would recommend you give it a try. Head to tachiatry.com slash beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's tachiatry.com slash beach to get matched in minutes. Let's move on to my game. Yay. I call this game toothpaste or kazoo. What? I will be reading a review, and you both have to guess whether it's of a toothpaste or of a kazoo.

People are reviewing kazzo? I mean, this is... Lots of people. Ross, this is news to me, too. This is all news. I'm with you on this one. I don't know what's happening. I have reviews from multiple toothpaste and multiple kazooz.

This is insane. Okay. So there's a variety in here. Here's our start. One star, verified purchase. Review by CJ. All these years, I never knew it contains a high percentage of lead. End of review.

Oh, for God's sake. I mean... That's a kazoo. You think so? You think he looked like, like, how do you... Because I feel like zoos are less regulated than... You don't think big kazoo is, like, keeping... I don't really...

It's big kazoo. I think that they're really like... That's what they want you to think. Just out there doing Wild West. Like... You're probably a... Right. I feel like yo-yo probably has been pinned down, but Kazoo is probably still like kind of rogue, like kind of wild. I will say. I do hope that toothpaste is regulated, at least a slightly more than kazzoos.

It sounds like a good thing. Okay, I'm going to go with Raz. It's a kazoo. This is of toothpaste. What? There's a surprising number. Wait, what if it was a pencil-flavored toothpaste? Lead paint flavor toothpaste. And then like the seller response.

It's actually graphite, not lead. But, yeah, there was a surprising... Oh, my God, the lead. There are so many people who complained about lead and toothpaste. Oh, so is this, maybe this is one of these fluoride things. I think so. I have no idea. I mean, I don't either, but I thought the kazoo was surely the issue.

I don't think there are, there's lead in... Lead in a kazoo? It most toothpaste ingredient lists. Oh. I think more likely in a kazoo, but what do I know? This is your next one. This is one-star review by Honest Authentic Reviewer. Well, that's how you know.

That's how you know. This is a verified purchase. Found hair. I have sent the return back unopened with hair encased. Have pictures. For if you need to verify this and find out what, who, and where is the hair. End of review. Carmen San Diego.

Inspector Gadget. I don't know. This feels like... It purposely has nothing to do with either. I'm not giving you... This kind of a thing, I just had a conversation with someone about because I'm obsessed with the world of Karen's

and I... To me, that word has become funny again. Like, it kind of got annoying for a second, but now I love just calling people Karen, like my friends and stuff. Yeah, it's really... Yeah, it's really like. Being in a Karen.

But I was in a... a hotel and I found an invisible line under my bed. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. And my friends were like, did you go complain or whatever? And I'm like, when I'm in a scenario like that, I just, I feel like I would be accused of faking it. Or like I feel like it would be hard to believe.

But I think about that with hair. Like, you could just put one of your hairs in a food. and then be like, hey, I want this for free. So, like, I don't know. Anytime it does happen to me, I'm, like, too afraid to say something because I'm like, I get that. I don't want someone, I don't want them to think that I'm trying to pull one over on them. What if they, like, take the eviseline and they're like, show me your teeth.

Ew! That's how I would check. Cinderella shit. Cinderella is really romantic. But so my guess, though, is Kazoo, because you have to go through a lot of trouble. to mail. I feel like the way this is written, it sounds like someone who would purchase a kazoo on the internet,

then ship it back and write a letter of complaint. It just feels like a kazoo person thing to do. Oh. But that, but the thing, everyone uses toothpaste. So even kazoo people use toothpaste, ideally.

That's a good point. Wow. Ideally, though, actually, do they? Well, you probably would need to keep some consistent. with the tooth and gum ratio if you were like using the kazoo that regularly. So it would be important to keep the hygiene, you know? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense for sure. Wow, Roz. Okay, yeah, you've really thrown me for a look here.

I'm going to say it's a kazoo. Okay, me too. It is a kazoo. Oh, good. What kind of kazoo? I ask. Yeah, which model? I know a lot about kazoo.

Actually, this one, I thought I wrote it down. I didn't, but this one was like the kazoo. Like it's metal and it comes in a special like baggy and... Yeah, with hair and lead inside it, I've heard. Wait, I got it alone. I know. What if this is like the new thing? The original blue kazoo is the name as like 4,000 reviews.

Okay. So, you know. So I love that the person was like, now whose hair is this? We will find them. Somebody at this company, this small kazoo. Who, what and where? Like, what does that mean about a hair? Track down the surveillance footage.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. I've never heard anything like this game out at Sinter, and that's not a compliment. Hey, I just... Yeah, maybe it will be. We'll see. Yeah, we're not done yet. You're right.

This is a one-star review by Tony. Avoid this. It burns my lips. It burns my lips every time. After I use it, my lips burn until I put lip balm on. Cazoo. That would be really funny if you're like, bo-voop, br, per, oh no, every time.

Ow! You're just crying while playing it. The tears, you Danny boy. Is that what you play on the zoo? Well, you're at a funeral. I'm sorry. I spun it into something else in my head. You had to be there.

I'm going to say, I'm going to say toothpaste. I think this is a trick question. It is toothpaste. It is toothpaste. But that's very good Zadding. You really got it. That was a good one. This game is not easy for being a very weird game.

I thought so, too, because sometimes there are. a lot more obvious. So even though really you two are the only ones I can win or lose, if you win, I consider it as me losing. Yeah, it's a failure for him. I'm competitive about the own game I make, which is not healthy. No, I get it. As long as you recognize it.

Yeah, I'm thought I've got therapy. I'm working on it. Okay. There's a one-star review by Sandra. This is so dumb. I tried so many times to get a prime customer call to beg for a full refund, but Amazon would not proceed and kept deleting my very valid need for the assistance of a real human. This is a cruel experience.

I am 86 years old. One of our senior living apartment complex fell and spent a cold night laying in the parking lot. The fall sent her phone flying out of her reach, so I am searching for safety. So I am, can I take a breath? I'll allow it. Not too long, though. I've got my timer going. Okay.

Go ahead. I'm just kidding. I wish Prime Customer membership got me real assistant. Please stop putting the false message on your screen. We are here to help. Not my experience. Bad product, bad Amazon customer service. Sad, old lady.

End of review. Wait, wait. I forgot this was part of the game. Oh, yeah. I know. I did too. But believe it or not, I skipped the first small pair of, paragraph that mentions what the product is.

So there is more to this complaint. Was she just in there like, Teddy boy with her kazoo? Did she slip on the teeth there? She slipped on the toothpaste? I don't know. I think this is a toothpaste. I do too.

Okay. Well, actually, this 86-year-old wanted some kazzoos. You're lying to me. This is a kazoo. You're lying to me. I'll read the first part of it. Everything is wrong about this product. It does not make a sound.

The pouch is obviously not meant to actually contain the kazoo because you cannot fit the instrument in it. And then they went off on all the other stuff. But I don't understand what that has to do with falling in the parking lot. Oh, I thought we were going to get at least a clarity like, oh, as I tried to play it, Hyde Piper style, I went like sliding on the ice cert. I think they're saying this happened to someone else. I'm just looking for some safety.

I wonder if they want to use it as like an emergency whistle of sorts, like an emergency kazoo. Oh, an emergency. I don't know if that would be... That might be a stretch. Ross is like that's too far actually. But I'm like, I... Meanwhile, I'm thinking she slipped on a pile of kazoos.

That's the review. Like it sounds like they're talking about... Yeah, that someone else this happened to. And then they said, I'm just seeking safety. Even though this happened to someone else. She almost died in the parking lot and Amazon won't even come talk to me about this kazoo I bought. I saw when it happened.

I thought someone else would go out and help her. But turns out it happened. She died the next day. Jesus Christ. I played Danny Boy at her funeral. This is so stupid. Okay. This is a dumb game.

A one-star review by Leanna. Dangerous. Stained my kid's face. My child was dark blue before my husband washed him. His face and hands were covered. What? I took these pictures after he was washed, and he still still.

stained by it. End of review. I mean, I thought she was saying he was blue before we bought this product and now look at him and I went, uh-oh, what's happening? But, okay, it turned him blue, we're saying. It did turn him blue. I mean, it's got to be a twink. It's got to be sparkle bubble fun or whatever. Sparkle, what was it? There is like color changing toothpaste that goes from like blue to pink. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's for kids. They make transgender toothpaste now? We all knew it would devolve to this point. Yeah. Back in my day, old man 65. Old dog 65. I feel like it has to be toothpaste. It has to be toothpaste. It's a kazoo. No!

What? How did it make a child blue? It's like a cheap plastic one. What did you do? Put it on his face, obviously. Probably like dumb question. Probably sucked on it like a little idiot and then got saliva all over it and it like probably gone. I don't know. It turned him blue? Yeah, it says.

He blew so hard, he blew himself. The rest, he did. This is a child. Here's the rest of it. They fall apart constantly, but I didn't mind because it's just a cheap noise maker for my kid. But when it becomes a safety concern, when my child ingests the paint because they don't use a saliva-resistant coating, I don't have words for how mad I am. Do not buy. Dangerous.

Saliva-resistant coating. Yeah. Even that rings of toothpaste. Like, all this is just weird. I didn't think kazze and toothpaste would be this. That's why I chose it. How would you come up with this idea? What inspired this?

Marijuana probably marijuana is my guess. Sorry. That might have been part of it. But my secret is I read reviews of toothpaste and then as I'm doing it, I think, what could this also be a review of? Oh, see, that's smart. This is why I'm so bad at this game because I make games and then everybody is like, this is obvious.

I'm not good at this part. Originally, I was looking into like lipsticks because there were so many toothpaste reviews about like lips burning and like lips doing whatever and so I thought that could be a thing. But then I was like those are kind of similar and not like that. I don't know. And then I was that I don't know. The fact that there are this many Kazoo reviews that are absurd to begin with. Oh yeah. I was surprised. I only looked at two listings. Cazoo is a little absurd to have an interest in. To have like such a devoted like to to write a review and spend the energy and time and wow. Like, who has an opinion on kazoo's?

I get if they just don't work. But actually, no, I don't get that because that's usually human error. People don't actually know how to use them. Well, a kazoo, if I'm not mistaken, take zero musical talent, right? You just go, hmm, mm-hmm, hmm. Yeah, it's like you're humming. But people blow, I think, is a problem. They blow into it thinking it's just like a...

But yeah, you're supposed to hum. Well, I famously took a year of trumpet, so I think I would probably have this figured out. Like this. It's a kazoo. So I mean, I kind of hope so. Okay. But I get, I feel like people, especially some reviewers, it's user error. Well, this kid clearly turned himself into a different color.

So yeah, I would say maybe a little user error. He was using like a fucking lollipop. But I will say that's pretty bad. If you're making like a product that where the paint comes off it and you're supposed to put it in your mouth. I mean, yeah, saliva-resistant coating is probably. by the least of... Just go to Lowe's, get your own saliva of resisting coding, whatever that is.

Old Dog, 56. Okay, I've got two more. This is more than I've ever brought. They were just so good. How many can there be? odor on it was horrendous. I removed all the tooth... Toothface?

I forgot to block out that word. Oh, no. I just gave up... Oh, man, I don't... Thank God I brought, like, 20 of these. You've done pretty well, though, so far. You really have me. I'm just going to read this review then because...

Yeah. I need to know what happened to Marlene. Yeah. I removed all the toothpaste from the packages and soaked them in vinegar with water to try to get the smell off, but it didn't work. It just made a smell like vinegar. The bag and the boxes were thrown in the recycling bin outside, and it still smells two days later.

My house still smells. I'm not sure if I will use them. I'm afraid the smell might be some kind of chemical. I will wait a few more days to see if it goes away. I am not sure if I will use them. They're in the trash. Don't use them. Leave them in the trash.

Does that not sound so much like they're talking about kazzoos? Who talks about toothpaste that way? Yeah, it is a very. them. You know, I don't know. Yeah, I rinse them off with vinegar. That's how you make pickle. Well, that lady wanted extra coffee extract in her toothpaste. So, yeah, I guess you could kind of soak it.

You guys are making me sick, okay? Yeah, this is bad. I didn't expect to come here and be ill from my stomach hearing about pickle and our manager was supposed to tell you about that part. Sorry that she didn't warn you. Did you not sign that waiver? Yeah. But we're siblings.

That's what we do now to you. It's kind of unfortunate. Sorry. If I got a notification every time Leona spent money, it would probably be on slime videos, slime itself, just slime content in any sort of form, anything sticky that might create a problem

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This is by Dawn. Gave me an awful metallic taste in my mouth that is proving hard to get rid of. A headache and a queasy stomach. End of review. Oh, shit. That's a kazoo. It's a kazoo. It's a kazoo.

Yes! Good job. Finally. I kind of want one of these metal kazoo. Like, I kind of want, like, the fancy zoo. I want to be able to whip it out and be like, this is the Porsche of kazoo. Right. Like, you want, like, imagine engraved, you know, imagine, like, sort of like a cigarette case, but, like, classier because it's a kazoo.

You know. Yes. Cazos are just class. I would say, I mean, you know, we just talked about how this is like the Wild West market. Maybe this is the moment we step in and we see this like gap in the market. And we're like, let's. You know how many kazzoos they sell on Amazon? I guess maybe there's not a gap in the market because it seems like there's a lot of interest.

But they haven't made like hazoos. They haven't made like kazzoos for hot girls. Yeah. Imagine like being on Shark Tank Ross and you're like, picture a kazoo. Then you have like sexy layers. these walk out. Yes, exactly. The sexy kazoo. The kazoo! I'll be honest with you. I haven't thought about a kazoo since probably preschool.

This has been like a lot of kazoo for me this morning and it's making me excited. There are listings of, let's say, professional kazzoos. Oh, see. Do you probably need a license for that though? And they're right next to one. And they're right next to ones that are like so whimsical for like children. So you got, they run the. gamut. Ross, I need your mailing

address after this. I'm just, I can't help myself. I need to go shopping online after this. Yeah. No, there's a surprising number

of different companies selling kazoo's. I love it. And, Roz, you know what's going to happen? You're going to get a package and you're not going to know if it's toothpaste or kazoo.

And you're going to have to figure it out. Just don't be a pickle-flavored kazoo. And I'm going to put one hair in it, and I'm going to say, find it out where it came from. It's a fun mystery. Gross. Yeah.

What a game out in her. Yeah, there's one. I just wanted to mention one more kazoo. Yeah, well, at this point. There's the Kazoo Master USA Professional Metal Kazu with Case gold color. It is new. It is $135. I need that.

I just looked over it. It's really absurd. What the hell is that? That's not a kazoo. It's not on prime. Is it on prime? I don't know. No, but you can pay $2.50 a month over six months instead of buying it in one lump cell.

Oh, now, there's not something I want to do with. Hey, I'm going to clarn on my kazoo. I'm sorry. We don't have air conditioning up here. It's like 900 degrees. Oh, it's good. It's good. But it does have rich, vibrant tones from professional brass construction. No musical training needed. Just hum and play. Hum and play. Hum and play. The durable brass body built to last through countless sessions. Ooh, la, la.

I'm like recording sessions with your band playing some kazoo. I mean, I guess it's got to happen. Funerals. What the hell? You know how I just keep picturing the funeral. Stopping kazoo funerals. I mean, I really am into it a little bit. You're the only one.

I don't think so, actually. So far. You know what? Maybe you'll convince some people, but I don't think that's too common. Well, what do I know? Once they're dead, they won't have a say. Who? Anyone?

You? Oh, me. I see. So at my funeral, you're going to be playing kazoo. I'll play modest mouse on kazoo for you. I'll play a ween on kazoo for you. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Honestly, they probably have kazoo in their music. Yeah, they probably are professional kizuers. Cizuers? Oh, yeah. Is it kazoers? Ross? Thoughts? Czooists?

Oh. That sounds more polished. That does sound good. Yeah. That sounds professional. Hmm. Are you? Hang on.

She's paid on to $131 for a zoo recently. She doesn't... That's the real... I mean, that's good. Fucking spot on. I was trying to try... I was going to be like buzzy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've been hustling us this whole time. Don't do that. Just making fart noises. I'm going to stop. Well, Roz, it's been such a delight to have you on our program. Thank you for coming aboard. I didn't know what to expect for about 80% of it. And I know you didn't know what to expect for probably 100 and 10% of it.

So thank you for trusting us to join us today. I love that. Well, thanks for saying that, no matter how you actually felt. I hope we at least added some jovial moments to your day. You did. Where can the people find you? What do you have going on? On the corner playing the kazoo.

Yeah. Playing your own. Well, yes, my audio book called Peeing in an Empty Bottle, which is out from Simon and Schuster, everywhere you get audio books. I recently learned that there are less reviews of it than there are of kazoos. Oh my God. So far. So far. So far.

So just trying to spread the word. Basically, my audiobook is a memoir about being a transgender woman comedian in America and traveling. Sounds easy. It's piece of cake. Sounds easy breezy. I know I haven't heard of it. Yeah, Alexander has a tough time. What I did last year was I put together completely by myself this 50 city tour.

And I performed at gay bars and did stand-up shows. And so with the audiobook, I have clips from those shows. And then also I brought a recorder with me and interviewed different tradembourg. fans people and drag queens and just people I met along the way and just kind of we talk about trying to find joy in these times and trying to find the humor in the world right now. And I don't know, it's people, people are liking it. People are telling me that they're inspired by it and that they're laughing and they're crying and they're all of it. So there's like mucusy, something on their tongue, I think is one of the.

reviews. It might make your tongue burn and it might turn you blue, but it'll make you feel something. It'll make you feel something. Guaranteed. And then also like just Instagram, Ross Hernandez, the link in bio has all the damn projects I do my podcast. Ghosted, my YouTube series where I find guys on Grindr to go go. Oh, that's one of my favorites. I can't believe I didn't add that to the bio. I watch those like, those are my favorite. Every time I see them on YouTube. Yeah. The best. Thank you. That's called the Haunted doll. There's, yeah, I'm doing all kinds. You're kind of like, yeah, butterfly.

I'll live with the place. Yeah. Well, thanks for having me. Well, thanks for being here, jinks. Thank you for joining us, Roz. We appreciate you. And yeah, go check her out, folks. Oh, so fun.

Beach, Hugh Sandy Water, Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Sheeper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees-W-Sweddle of VW Sound. Pluto phone, if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy.

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That is so fetch. On Pluto TV, stream now, pay never. Hi. I'm Stasi Schroeder. On my podcast, I share candid updates from my personal life, chat with some of my best friends about what's going on in our lives, give commentary on the latest pop culture headlines, and sometimes deep dive into random topics I'm obsessed with, like human design. It's a bit all over the place, but that's how I like it. And you will too. Listen to my podcast, Stasi, wherever you get your podcasts.