Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 403: Reviews of The Container Store

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Anything that contains and can contain is contained within the container.Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to  quince.com/beachtoosandy. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Sleep cooler this summer with Boll & Branch. Get 15% off your first order plus free shipping at bollandbranch.com/toosandy with code TOOSANDY.Visit progressive.com and give the Name Your Price® tool a try. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. I'm the brother host. My name is Zandi. We are here to talk about the container store. It was my idea, and then I promptly forgot.

But now I'm ready. Yeah, we're ready now. This is at least in the running for stores that are really true to what they're called. I never thought about it that way, but yeah. What's a similar one? Exactly. Cracker barrel. See?

Exactly. It's a restaurant. It also doesn't at all. It's an experience. It's also your wife. I think. It is my wife. Yeah.

Container store. It's like five below. No, it's not. You have stuff that's above five. Target? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? Walmart.

Don't be ridiculous. Huh? Come on. Container store? I wonder if they sell containers. Boy, do they? Yeah, it's kind of their whole deal. Yeah.

It's an organizational nightmare if you don't like things being organized. Yeah. It's also a nightmare if you want things to be organized, but you don't want to spend lots of money. That's true. I've been there many times. And I'm like, I'll go to the container store to sort my closet out. And then it's like, that'll be $600.

But, you know. Oh, I could have found these bins on Facebook marketplace for $2. $5. For $5 below. No, their stuff is so good, which is why I only have like two of things from there. From container store. No, it's great. But it's also just a fun place to go through.

Okay. Well, we should read the reviews because I have a five star to start. Great, great. Because I feel like this gives a little bit of insight. This was written over 16 years ago. Oh, this place has been around for that freaking long and still. It's from like 1802. Just like Cracker Farrell.

The Wild Frontier folks had to contain their stuff. Yeah. Hold your horses with what? A nice plastic bin from the container store. I don't think that works. Only 79.99. Container stores of one in Los Angeles, five stars by Sabrina. This store is a type A personality's wet dream.

I ended up here because I needed a new trash can. The old one smelled like the rotting corpse of a dead horror and was stinking up my apartment so badly. What the fuck? I don't know. That's so unnecessary on every level. Yeah? Yeah. Like, wow.

I started off at Restoration Heart. Oh, it was 16 years ago. It was a different time. Yeah. Oh, you forgot that part. I started off at Restoration Hardware and they sent me here. And boy, am I glad they did. Restoration Hardware.

where it really doesn't fit the bill. Exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely does not. Right? Wow, I'm starting to see where. Anthropology? Huh?

Yeah, that's confusing, huh? I brought my backpack in here. Yeah. You were with your little, like, a little pick weight. What? What class are you looking for? Anthropology, like old stuff. That's not what that is.

Not archaeology. Halianology? Yeah. What's anthropology? Haliantology is dinosaurs. What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. Anthropology like ants.

It's not about old people. Yep. Back in the day. Sure. Like digging up their skeletons. No. Oh. Okay.

Go on. What's anthropology then? Don't do that. Uh-oh. Don't do that. Uh-oh. Don't do that. I got a minor in anthropology college.

Don't put me on the phone. It doesn't show. What do you mean? You're the one idiot. I'm asking and you're like, don't ask me what the... You haven't asked. What my minor's about.

You've been making up your own nonsense. Now you're asking on the spot and that's rude. It is the study of cultures and societies, but it's not like going out and digging up their bodies. That is. Oh, sorry, they're pottery. I still think that's archaeology. Yeah, it probably. It is.

Yeah. No, yeah. You're wrong. No, I know. I'm an idiot. I'm aware. Oh, okay. I was asking for you to tell me not because I wanted you to.

I feel like I just got, man. I'm trying to force my stupidity in to make it make sense. So I feel less stupid. Okay. I just kept adding shit into my basket. Stuff I didn't even know I needed until I came here. Did you know there is a magical container for inside your bathroom cabinet so that you can shove your fucking blow dryer in there? Whoa.

Everything she says sounds so aggressive. I bet you didn't have any idea. So I left with a trash can and other odds and ends. I am going to be the most amazingly structured and organized person ever, ever. End of review. Wow. So this gives a little bit of insight into container store and the types of people who shop there. Yeah.

How do you think she's doing 16 years later? Do you think the magic has lasted all this time? She's probably dead. That's what I was going to say. We should go get our picks. Dig up for her skeleton. And then we can find all the containers and learn about her culture. We can study.

We'll be like, oh my God, she even got her coffin at container store. She smells like a dead horror or whatever. She said. Yep. That's exactly what she said, which I forgot about. That was pretty wild. That was pretty a wild thing to say. I also have a five-star review.

This one's in Costa Mesa, California, and it was sent in by Alexis. Oh, my God. This place literally sells containers present emoji. This is from seven years ago, if we're... Oh, yeah. You've got to make sure we know every day. And it is the most amazing store idea, thought of cloud emoji, ever. I have loved boxes, box emoji, and things that hold things, containers, container emoji,

which is also inside parentheses. So she really, I think, is telling the truth. Yeah. Ever since I was a little girl. So this place was like a wonderland shopping bags. To me, hard eyes emoji. Anything that contains and can contain is contained within the container store. No.

End of review. That sums it up even better, actually. So dark. Feel sinister, really. It really does. someone's like someone who's trapped in there is writing that. I just love containers. Contain me.

I cannot be contained unless I'm in the container store. God. Here we go. Here's a one-star review. This is by Catherine of a container store in Dallas, which I think is where they're headquartered or something. That feels right. That's where they're from.

It's like, why do you need all these containers for? Fix your highways. True. Fix your damn city. Well, at least you're not Houston. That's right. Here's one-star review. A container store employee damaged my car on August 12, 2020,

by carelessly letting go of a shopping cart during curbside pickup, allowing it to hit and dent my car. Oh, my God. That was four months ago. It took over eight weeks and multiple phone calls to get the container store to send an adjuster out. My main contact was the operations manager, Ingrid, which was very personable, but I had to initiate every call. My claim was finally handed off to a third-party administrator,

Two months after the accident, I had to request that... The accident? I mean, okay, let's just calm down for a minute. The accident. You're right. It wasn't an accident. It was intentional. Allegedly.

Allegedly. Alexander, you're going to get us sued. Uh-oh. Again? I had to request that an adjuster come out to assess the vehicle. He came, and again, it has been two months, and I haven't heard a word, not from the third-party company and not from Ingrid slash the container store. Pro tip, when one of the container stores, careless employees damages your car, get your insurance company involved. or take legal action.

I'm frankly shocked that such a large company would be so irresponsible. Extremely disappointing as I've been a faithful customer for many years, having done custom closets in every home I've owned.

Oh, shut up. I'll update this review if and when they do the right thing. In the meantime, buyer beware. Four months of waiting for them to repair my car was more than enough time, waiting on you container store.

P.S., please look at my other reviews. I think you'll see I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to say anything if it's not nice. It took a lot to write this review. Wow. Okay. Kind of relatable.

Sort of. Sort of. And yet, thank God not. Thank God really not. I don't know why I brought this. I'm like, oh, that was just a lot of energy. Yeah, man. I mean, that kind of energy is unmatched.

And it's like people like this that this is what fuels them, you know? Like they need a passion project like this to fuel them. Yeah. Which is a little bit sad. But, you know. This does suck, though. I mean, yeah, it does suck. Yeah.

And also, though, I went to their profile. It was private. So, I don't know. Maybe since this, something's changed and they're no longer leaving positive reviews and their... Here's what I'll say. It's like their villain origin story. Well, ever since the accident. Mm-hmm.

You can't say a phrase like that, like, about willy-nilly. You can't just willy-nilly. Come on. Just saying, do your own research, people. Oh, no. But I'm just saying. It is tough when you, when it's summertime and you sleep hot and then you have these pets that want to get involved. Yesterday, Gio found some skunks and the result was very smelly.

And before he got all up in my bone branch, bedding, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. We're blocking access. In the past, I might have let him just kind of run around. But no, no, he will not be messing up my beautiful, light, airy, breezy up for her from Bowling Branch because it's this beautiful yellow, springy color. I can't bear the thought of that stinky dog all over it. Mine are like a blue and white floral. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's very cute. And that's why I don't have pets. Gunk all over it. Because my Bowling Branch, I said, You know what? Too precious.

I'm not getting pets just for that. I know. Well, you've got to keep it safe. Their sheets are 100% organic cotton woven specifically for airflow. And unlike synthetic cooling technology or fabrics that have been treated with chemicals to be cooling, the cooling is actually just in how it's woven, which is super cool. Plus, they get softer with every wash, which is one of my favorite things. Sleep cooler this summer with Bowling Branch.

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that works better for you and your family. Either way, they make it simple to see your options. No guesswork, no surprises. Ready to see how easy and fun shopping for car insurance can be? Visit progressive.com and give the name your price tool a try. Take the stress out of shopping and find coverage that fits your life on your terms. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Price and Coverage Match Limited by State Law. So this one was also sent in by Alexis. It's a three-star review of that same container store in Costa Mesa.

This is a three-star review by Haley. Holy containers. It's a new year, new me, so I've been on an organizational kick these past few weeks. The first step to getting organized is creating an individual home for each of your goodies. The container store is a large department-sized store filled with, you guessed it, containers. When shopping at the container store, be prepared to offer your first board. child to pay for a few drawer dividers. This spot is definitely not cheap.

I typically utilize a container store for inspiration and research to learn what type of organizational tools are available. I'll take notes during my trip and then follow up on Amazon afterward to purchase any needed items at a much better cost. While it might not be in my budget, this store is still an incredibly rad visit and worth exploring. How do you feel about that? It being rad?

No, just like, I just go there. I take notes. on my little clipboard, and then I go home and order it all on Amazon. I don't feel great about it, but I get it. Yeah. Well, yeah, what are you going to do? I mean, if you know that it's, yeah, it's such hard to argue. No wonder they get these employees to run you over with the shopping.

You're out there with your clipboard, like, taking notes. They're like, you already did your custom closet. What more are you going to buy? We know every home you've lived in. You've had that. We know. Yeah. We've been following you.

Yeah. I was just organizing my bathroom yesterday. I really had that thought of like. I could shove a blow dryer in here. I could shove my blow dryer in here. I had like so many prescription bottles. It's not even a joke. I had like 20, literally 20 that I'm not currently using.

So I was like, I need a container for this so they're not just like loose in a drawer. I mean, they do sell pill containers. They have pill dividers, pill. I ended up using some Tupperware. Okay. Yeah, because that's what I had. So I was thinking about this clipboard person. It's like, yeah, you go home and then see what size Tupperware.

you have and just use that. Yeah, because either you're sporting container store, Amazon, or an MLM like software. There's no winning in this, unless you want to hand sew yourself a little felt basket, you know. I don't think so. Out of your own hair. That could be cool. I just cut mine. Get it.

I didn't cut it myself. For the point. That person who cut it, swept it away. Wove it right into a basket and sold it to the container store. No. Yeah. I got to go buy my hair back. Yep.

As a basket. Oh, look, it's 2-2-2. Alexander, that means we're on the right track. It's 14-2-2. We're doing everything right. Few! Nothing is right right now. Is it my turn?

Few. No, I think it's mine. You're still reading yours? Nope. Okay. Here's a one-star review of a container store by Lawrence, one-star. You know what? Who even needs containers anyways?

Well, if you do, don't get them from here. They're so expensive, but they look cool, I guess, but kind of pointless. If you want containers, just like, get rid of the stuff you need to put in a container. End of review. Well, yeah, easier so than done. Took me about a decade to figure that out. Alexander knows I have a problem with containers. I have so many fucking containers that I end up donating containers filled with containers.

It's a problem. I could use some containers. I literally just talked about how I could use containers because I'm using Tupperware instead of containers. Well, I'm really detached from most of my life. So I'm sorry that I missed that. I didn't realize how much I needed containers until I actually tried to organize things, which I don't normally do. I just tried to offer you so many things so many times.

And I felt like when the container store employee runs your car over with a shopping cart, make sure your adjuster is on call. Is it a stand your ground stage? Oh, that's good. That's the most important question. Dallas? Yeah, I think so. Oh, Dallas. times. Okay. That shopping cart is a weapon. All right. Dallas is kind of like backwards. It's like salad with an extra ale.

Salad. Bean salad. Oh my God. I feel like Nicholas Cage. That's why I want to feel all the time. This is also from Alexis. I'm serious. I'm not even fucking. Okay. Four stars by Philip. This is also from Alexis and it's of that same place. Oh, this was written over 12 years ago. They make me want to clean my room and get organized with all their amazing crap. Wanting isn't doing. Now I have more crop on the floor.

Vicious cycle. It's you. That's me. That was literally like, exactly. Whoa. Oh my God. I'm your brother. Maybe you're my father, father, Phil.

Phil Sayer, the priests at our high school. He didn't need to tell everybody that. Yes, I did. I have his bobblehead. I hope he's well. I don't. Here's a two-star review. This is by Jay Fucker.

It's what it says. I made up names for the rest, but this one I got to keep back here. I didn't even make up Philip. I stuck with Philip for that one, so. Okay. Well, this is J-J-A-Y, fucker. Cool. F-U-C-E-R.

Cool. Two stars. Well, they do have containers, but they cannot contain your Pokemon cards as the store does not contain any Pokemon card containers. Oh, well. You're supposed to push your glasses up your nose. After reading that. They would we don't have.

We don't have a single container. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Jay fucker. Yeah, whoa. Like, energy mismatch there, for sure. Those Pokemon card folks, though, they can get it. You never know.

They come out of nowhere. A trading card game. This was sent by Ashley six and a half years ago. I went through our inbox. Wow. Yeah. Have we been around that long? This was January 2020, so I was called Beautiful Komodo D and handsome, you were called Handsome Barrono C.

Wow. Okay. So this is, now this was a review written by Sandy 06. This is so much. I know. It's a lot. Saying a lot of things. Yeah, but Ashley sent this in.

Here's a review of a storage basket from the container store. Sandy O6 says, So disappointed this stripe is charcoal in color and not a traditional visual. vintage Navy stripe. Please offer the farmhouse box set in a vintage navy blue stripe color option. I was so excited to see this new set and had 15 of these boxes and various sizes offered in my cart. Unfortunately, the charcoal pinstripe reminds me of overwashed worn uniforms. Inmates often wore in older movies and the TV series MASH. Please offer Navy. End of review. Oh my gosh. And then this person who posts on Instagram wrote hashtag strange complaints. Oh, it's you. Not you.

What? Sorry. What? It's Ashley. Oh, okay. It's Ashley's post. I was concerned there. I thought, how did that happen?

Yeah, I love it. I think it's Ashley's post, yeah. Look at this old school Instagram layout. So old school. Right? I guess. I don't really remember what Instagram looks like now. Nothing like you used to.

Oh, my God. The landscape has changed. The filters have changed. It's like you can't even be funny anymore without someone getting all. upset. Oh, man. Cancel culture. Everyone's so woke nowadays.

You know what I like to do with my latest quince purchase? What's that? I like to step on it and rub my feet back and forth. Alexander, I can't imagine. Is it because it's just so hot out and you're mad that they only sell cashmere or something? Because it's not true. That's not true. No.

It's actually because it's my welcome mat when I get home. It's great. It does its job. So you treat it like a dormant because it is a dormant. Exactly. I'm so happy to hear that. Well, don't worry. If it's because you're super hot and that's my problem with the week

or if it's because you're Alexander and you just won't need something to stomp on, Quince has got you covered. They specialize in effortless, high-quality essentials like Ultrasoft, organic cotton, premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters, and they're beautifully tailored, built to last, and they transition seamlessly from morning meetings to dinner. You can really also buy so many options depending on what kind of things you need for your home, the outdoors.

And better yet, it's priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. Yeah, they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. That's why you're paying those low prices. And you get the same quality or even better. So love it. Upgrade your every day. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash beach to Sandy. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's QI-N-C-E.com slash Beach to Sandy. Here's a one-star review. of a container store. Great. Normally I would have rated this place five stars, but a recent experience has turned me away. I love the organization that they offer,

but the cashier was extremely rude. No. After finally agreeing to sign up for their version of a rewards program, I proceeded to move the display screen towards me to confirm the info on it. The cashier literally yelled, Stuck that, it is not a toy. Oh, Jesus.

She told me that it couldn't take the wear and tear of moving around. it was on a swivel mount. The transaction was concluded in silence after that. Very unprofessional. Nightmare. Creeper. Creeper. Nightmare exchange.

Right? Like social nightmare. That is not a toy. Like, whoa, aren't they supposed to move? I would burst in tears, I think. Truly, if someone said that to me, it is not a toy. Like, I think it would just trigger something in me really rough. I'd go, big mistake, huge.

Finish paying and leave. So here you go. Then you're really silent for a long time. Silence in silence. It's the silence that's so rough. Like, it's on a swivel mount. And then there's like, geez. You think it was silent.

And then, like, after like a minute, she's like, it's on a swivel mouth. Nothing. Just like took the receipt, took out a pen that they just bought at the container store. Yeah. Wrote that down, that note for the cashier, put the pen back in the pen holder that they had just bought at the container store, handed over the receipt. Probably after putting it in a folder that they just bought at the container store. so they could provide the information in a contained manner. I've already lost in all the containers.

This happens every time. That's why we keep you contained so you stop getting lost. Oh, man. This is a review sent in by Elise. It's a five-star review of these large square acrylic tray clear. They're just clear trays. I don't know how else to say it. Acrylic, maybe?

Acrylic, that's right. Oh, cool. They're five and three-quarter inches. that doesn't feel very big. Here's a five-star review called Great Containers. I have bought at least 35 of these. They are very durable and inexpensive. I actually use them for keeping my small

and medium-sized tarantulas in them. I saw in one of the other reviews that they are stackable. I was not aware of that, and we'll try tonight. Crazy night. Save me a lot of space. Five people thumbs this up. I like that. I'm going to try that later.

That's funny. It is. That's crazy. Genius. Yeah. I never thought of it. I got more excited about the stacking than I did about the tarantulas. Yeah, the possibilities are endless.

Yeah. You could start collecting other things in there. Like. Hermit crabs. That's a good one. Really good one. Really good one. Really good one. Stack those up.

Start painting them and selling them. Oh, yeah. Definitely. That's the way to do it. Yeah. And with the tarantula. has put little hats on it. But only vegan.

Vegan paint, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No bugs in those paints. Acrylic's vegan, right? Not the way I eat it. Oh. Oh, you shouldn't eat that.

I put my spiders in it. Oh, I was wondering why it's so crunchy. Here is a two-star review. I think Ghanem signed it for the rewards program or otherwise I'd be really bad. Finally, a place to escape the peasants. Oh. Yeah. Fellow sophisticant.

Cunt. Whoa. Sophisticant. I don't know why I said that. What did you call yourself? Definitely wasn't calling you that. Uh-huh. Fellow sophisticant.

Is that the word? I don't know what you're saying. Sophistic, A-N-T. I've never heard of that. Don't ask me that. Sophisticant. Fellows, I can't do that. Okay.

Have you ever dreamed of buying your boxes and bags without having to deal with the peasants that actually care about pricing? I wouldn't dare let myself dream that big. No. No. Then this is the place for you. $200 for a shelving unit you can buy at Home Depot for 65? No problem. How about $15 for shoe boxes that sell for $6 at Meyer?

If you heat your mansion with stats of money, as I do, this is the place for you? It is a glorious place. to shop and the help are so well-trained. We didn't see that. No, they're not. I heard about that swivel mount incident and that sounds like they're not well-trained at all. I don't know. That seems like something like, you know, go to a country club and the very

strict well-trained person is like, uh-uh, we do not abide by those shenanigans. So what the person should have done is, do you know who I am? Would be the appropriate response in an environment like that. Yeah. That's put the help in their place. That's what I usually say. Yeah. Yeah. The help are so well-trained.

We didn't see them anywhere until we needed them to take our piles of money. Oh, my God. In short, let the lower classes shop for deals and value. You and I don't have time for such things. End of review. No. It's so true, isn't it? Is this what they call manifesting?

Like, really living out? Like, really feeling into that dream. I am everyday manifesting the ability to burn money in my mansion. For warmth. For warmth only. Yeah. So I have one more. This is from Kim, and it is a five-star review of, well, of a container.

I don't know what kind. Great deal. Submitted nine years ago, it says here. I bought these crates as enrichment items for the giant pandas at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. The yellow and red crates were given to the pandas last weekend, and they loved them. End of review. Was this review helpful to you? 188 people said yes.

Yeah. Now, these are red and yellow milk crates from the container store. I guess they sell milk crates and I guess the pandas love them. But look. That's so cute. These are the National Zoo Pantas actually plant. Now, this is a sponsorship. Container store should have really jumped on this.

Like this could have been like a co-lab. Yeah. But I'm always looking for ways to exploit animals too. I know. God, I do say that about you. At a free zoo, you got to find other ways. If you're going to let people in for free. Alex sooner, how do you think the...

The pandas are going to afford this lifestyle if we don't put them to work. Yeah, that's a good point. Red and yellow milk crates don't just fall out of the sky. No, no, they got to earn sponsorships. I wonder what their contracts look like, these pandas. None of your fucking business. You're right. Anyway, that was our theme.

We're going to do something special now. Oh, is that what it's called? That is what this is called. Instead of a challenge today, I would be reading a couple segments, parts of of the famed erotic short story conquered by Clippy by Leonard Delaney. I read reviews of them, right, of this a while ago. It's become, it's been a thing for a while years. It's unfortunately been on our radar for many years and it was, I think, in a challenge or something where you stumbled upon this, this beautiful novella.

It is an erotic short story about Clippy, the Microsoft. mascot thing that helps you with your word documents or whatever. I'm in the process of dissociating. So whenever you're ready, go ahead. So I'm going to read part of it. I'm going to start reading it. And then we're going to read the rest for our patrons like we did with taken by the Tetris blocks. Fun.

Like a couple months ago. Yeah, that was book one in this series. Yes, it's a series. And this is book two. So if you want to listen to book one or read it, go look it up. Well, if you want to listen to it. Me reading it to her because that's really normal thing for siblings to do. That's why we put it behind a paywall for the freaks.

So now we're letting the freaks that aren't aware of that no right now. I don't know why we're doing that. Because we don't have a challenge and we need to fill up the time. Oh, yeah. This is Concord by Clippy, an erotic short story by Leonard Delaney. Christy Ackernlund was an independent woman. When the clerk at the grocery store asked her if she needed help bagging her groceries, she said, No thanks.

When a man tried to hold a door for her, she went through another door. When she got back to her apartment building, she skipped the elevator and hiked up the stairs instead. She even hated having to wear glasses over her striking gray eyes. And did she really need this hair band helping her flowing red hair stay out of her face? But she kept her glasses on and her hair up because she needed her vision unobstructed in order to read her email. And like walk up all those stairs.

I mean, she's... She's busy ladies. She's picking doors and dodging elevators. Yeah, she's got to have equalized. She was pleased by what she saw. Miss Ackernand, we have read your blog about the blocks. And then in brackets, see the previous Christy Ackernand adventure taken by the Tetris blocks.

Okay, right. So that was the same. character. That's why she's so familiar. All right. All right. And are impressed by your relationships with inanimate objects and ability to communicate using words. Oh my God. We have discovered an ancient alien artifact in the middle of a

remote and dangerous location. We would like to send you there alone without any help to tell the artifact story. Yours, Phil Gates, CEO, Contozo Corporation. Phil Gates! Phil Gates. Okay. Christy expertly navigated her computer's operating system to formulate a perfectly formatted reply to contoso.

I'm in, she wrote. That, okay. I think God she had those glasses on. Yeah. That's like the first little intro, and then I'm going to read one more section before freeing you until we read the whole thing again for Patreon. I at least need to cry in the bathroom for a few minutes. Yeah, that's okay. Here we go.

Phil Gates himself picked Christy up in a helicopter. Whoa. I know. This is serious. She climbed the stairs all the way to the roof? I guess so. And this is also like... She lives in an apartment.

Can we remember that everybody? Yeah, she climbed the fucking... Okay, just making sure... I didn't know that there was a helipad on the roof. I didn't say there was. She just got picked up. It doesn't matter where she is. If you're Phil Gates, you can land your helicopter.

She probably rode the fucking Tetris blocks because they were... Oh, no, they all float into the sky or some shit at the end. She freed them from their misery. Yes. Their sexual repression. Mm-hmm. He was a thin, older man with a mop of unruly... Gully salt and pepper hair and dark-rimmed glasses thicker than Christies.

Isn't this beautiful? asked Phil as they flew over the United States, with all its trees and buildings and rocks. I suppose it is, she said. Fidgeting in the seat she was strapped into, she itched to get off the helicopter and start exploring this ancient alien artifact on her own. What? Get in the hell. Shay buckled up. You just got in here. Don't itch out your way. It's a helicopter. Phil kept turning to stare at her, and it made her uncomfortable.

Yeah. Finally, they approached the Silicon Valley. This is where we unearthed the vessel, explained Phil. We were mining for computer chips, and there it was, in the middle of an underground crater. The vessel is in the middle, but there are other pieces spread about the area. Together, they may tell a story. We reasoned that it was a job for a writer to piece the story together and publish a white paper. Get me down there, and I'm your girl, said Christy.

Phil turned to her. His smile was a little too wide. No. And he stared at her a little bit. too long. No. The helicopter jerked to the side. A greenish cloud sailed past Christy's window.

Oh, geez, we've been hit by a silicon geyser, said Phil. The helicopter plummeted deeper and deeper into the Silicon Valley. Phil tried to navigate the copter around more geysers, aiming for the middle of the excavated pit that came into view. A Waymo zoomed past. Another geyser shot up and nicked the tail. The chopper shook as it approached the bottom. of the valley.

Dang it, this chapter is going down, screamed Phil. With a thud that made Christy's bosom jiggle, the aircraft crashed into the middle of the pit. It skidded to a halt. Phil turned to her. Are you okay? I'm fine. I don't need any help, said Christy.

Phil unbuckled himself and reached over to hold her hand. It'll be okay. I think my Windows phone 8.1 smartphone is broken, but we can wait here until health arrives. We'll be fine as long as long as. as we cuddle for warmth at night. Ew. Christy groaned.

You stay here and cuddle yourself. I'm getting out to find that artifact. Oh shit. She is turned on by the artifact, not by this guy. She doesn't want human men. No way. She doesn't want human men. She hopped out of the chopper and was disappointed

when she heard Phil get out too. He put a hand on her back and rubbed it up and down. Oh my God. Don't worry. I'll help. We can do this together. Then get back to the hella chopper by nightfall. We might have to share a blanket.

He laughed a weezy laugh like he was joking, but he obviously wasn't. The alien vessel was a long, gray, pill-shaped enclosure sticking out of the ground. It was slightly taller than Christy and had no visible windows or openings, except for a tiny hole with a lens inside. Sounds like they'd sell that at the container store.

Yes, they should. An oblong pill-shaped container with no windows. For a large paper clip that, yeah, with a red glowing end. Uh-oh. Spoilers. How do you think we open it? Asked Phil.

Christy ignored him and looked around. debris littered the ground around the area where the vessel had presumably crashed from space. She picked up a piece of gray metal paneling. There was something embossed in it. A vertical line crossed by a shorter horizontal line. It's a cross, said Phil. Are we dealing with an ancient Christian? Thanks, Phil.

Are we dealing with an ancient Christian alien cult? Frowning, Christy brought her out her notepad. She sat with her back against the vessel, then started writing the symbol down. The vessel immediately came to life. What? The top of it popped off and it hissed with the release of air. Phil stumbled backwards, ready to run, but Christy stood and got her pen ready to record whatever she could. A high-pitched, bouncy voice echoed out of the vessel.

Would you like some assistance today? Christy raised one of her sculpted eyebrows. Oh, my God. A figure climbed out of the top of the vessel and pounced to the ground. Oh, my God. Christy's jaw dropped as she found herself staring at a giant living paperclip. The curled rod of alien steel flexed and crouched. creaked as it bounced in place.

A pair of white orbs with black lenses in the middle stared at her. This paperclip had eyes. Dark ridges above the cameras acted as eyebrows and made a quiet sound as they raised. It looks like you're trying to write a letter. Would you like help? Asked the alien paperclip. I... No thanks.

I was doing just fine, said Christy, looking at the symbol on her page. A letter, said Phil. It's not a cross after all, but the letter T. This is a good mystery. Yes, Phil. I figured that out, mumbled Christy. Fuck off, Phil. What are you, you magnificently intelligent machine?

Asked Phil. I'm Clippy, your office assistant. Would you like some assistance today? And that is where we're going to leave off for now. I don't know about you all, but I am turned on. Stop it. Uh-uh. We haven't even gotten to the ones that, like, the parts of people highlighted them.

So nightmareish, really. Very much is. Thank you, Leonard Delaney, for this beautiful piece of art word. It's the end of the suffering for you all, but not for Patreon nor for us. So if you're a martyr, join us over at Patreon. Otherwise, thanks for being here today, everybody. Yeah, we'll talk to you next week. See you later.

Beachu Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Sheeper. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borges Wendell of VW Sound. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, Just stream it for free on Pluto TV Where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long Catch Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy Fantastic The Matrix trilogy

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