Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 405: Reviews of Mini Golf

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Just a bunch of angry elves.For a limited time get 40% off your first order PLUS get a free item in every box for life at hungryroot.com/beachtoosandy and use code BEACHTOOSANDY. Right now, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY.Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes.Go to zenni.com/podcast and use code PODCAST15 for 15% off your first order, plus free shipping on all US orders over $65.Shop now at fabletics.com/beach to get 70–80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Visit progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach, too, Sandy Water, To Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. My name is Zandi. I'm the brother host. Welcome. Welcome. Today we're discussing reviews of mini golf. I for one can't wait. Me too, but I'm going to make you wait for a second. We just wrapped filming on our short film that's right. That's right. Well, not us, but... Well, yeah, not you. Sorry. You were there on set.

I was on set. I wish I could take credit for more than that. But I was there and I did eat some of the snacks. Yeah, and she was like being a clown for everyone, keeping morale. I'm a jester at heart. But yeah, very exciting. It's a little horror movie. that's going to be really scary. And I play a very creepy character and it came very easily to me. Hey, remember the times when he's read reviews by like zealot pastors and it's like televangelists and it's sort of like, why is he so good at that? Like, imagine that vibe. And then he and his friends made a film, a short film where he's the main villain.

I mean, it really is. Yeah. It's a good match. Yeah. And our budget was basically whatever we have in our pockets, which wasn't that much. So if you want to support it, because we're still in post-reliven. production and it's going to premiere end of October. But yeah, we're going to have a link because we could use any support we can to make our art.

Offhand or is it just in the show notes? It's on GoFundMe. So it'll be in the show notes. And on my Instagram at Zandi Schiefer, follow me there anyway. Why don't you do that yet? I post all the time. Goose. Yeah, right. No, I'm going to post some behind the scene stuff. He never looks at my stories. It was one of the best experiences creatively that I've ever had. And I'm not just saying that. Speaking of some of the best creative experiences we've ever had, we'd really like for you to buy tickets to our live show. We're going on tour. That's what I was going to say earlier. Let's talk about the live show. But I realize you were talking about your film. But also, we're going live this fall. We're going to read one-star reviews of four different towns, Pittsburgh,

Cleveland, Nashville, and Louisville, not in that order, I don't think. No, you're close, but not in that order. So go to Beach2Sandy.com and get tickets and we'll see you there. Can't wait. All right, let's read reviews. Mini Golf, Mini Golf. We have a very story passed with Minigolf ourselves. It was one of our divorced dad activities. We would do a lot. All the time. All the time. Do it by feel. That sort of plays through my head.

Do it by feel. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You want to go first? Sure, I'll go ahead. Okay. I have one that was sent in by Leah. She heard.

This is of Zau Island in, oh man, I forgot to look this up. Valparaiso, Indiana. Whoa. V-A-I-S-O. I've seen that and I don't know how to say that. Valparaiso. Valparaiso. That's how Microsoft Sam would say it.

Bye-bye. You're so good. You're so right. Thank you. This is in Indiana. Here we go. This was written by Barbara. My granddaughter and I went to go play the mini golf at promptly 807 p.m.

We were turned away because they close at 9, even though we would be done well before then, as my hip doesn't allow me to play all 18 holes like it used to. I thought it was going to be like, because my hip is super turbo. It allows me to go super fast. I just got a new hip. This hip isn't going to stop me. So I demanded to speak to the manager. Upon waiting for the manager, two young heathens got into line and walked away with putters. They were service, but we couldn't be?

So we marched back up to that counter and asked to play minigolf. Okay, you didn't march. You kind of wobbled. I've heard about this hip. Bad hip. It's not a turbo hip like those kids had. The thing is, why do you think it got so bad for all that marching? Up to the manager.

Oh, always. At every location. at every storefront she goes. Yeah, this is how she acts at Minigolf. This is a dangerous thing. Barbara is, in fact, quite dangerous. So we marched back up to that counter and asked to play minigolf, and they told me they just sold to the last group.

We should have been that last group. So I told the youngster at the counter this, and he seemed confused. So I reiterated it in a younger language. No. The manager then came by and told me, as long as you're gone by nine, you know what, Zau?

Island, we were. And my precious granddaughter even saved some wildlife in the process. Unacceptable. You lost a customer. End of review. What? Is that the youthful language you're supposed to like understand, save some wildlife? I don't know. Do you think Heathens was the youthful language? I don't think so. No. Wow. That hurt me a little bit physically and mentally and spiritually. I want details and yet I don't. You know what I mean? No, I don't because I think we got a lot of details right here. I know, but it's sort of like... What's missing? in your mind. The wildlife. Like, I'd love to know more about that rather than like, you know, whatever the hell she's talking about. I bet it's like, I feel like it was like moved a fucking

bug off of the thing and not like saved a deer that was dying from an arrow. Like, oh my gosh. I mean, it's a long range. Saved some wildlife in the process of minigolfing. Anything can happen. Why do you think I want more details? And yet I don't. Okay, this one is from Gene the Bean. I think this might be a first-time submitter, not sure. Or maybe just Jean changed her name to Gene the Bean, she her. This is a review of Crystal Caves Family Entertainment Center in Auburn, Massachusetts, with an owner response. Yeah, I wouldn't forget a Gene the Bean. No, right?

I don't think so. I don't think so. One star by Allen. Just to be clear, this establishment is run by cows. Huh? Cows? Yeah. Okay.

This does not even pass as a well-run arena. Pitiful service. The lines are slow as a lot. and the workers reek. Oh, their cows. Wait a second. I will never come here again, and you're glad I gave this dump a fighting chance. End of review.

What? Yeah, I don't know. Here's a response from owner. I don't know if you recall, but the review itself started just to be clear this establishment is run by cows. I definitely remember that, and I'm trying to think what employees at a mini golf place can do to be called cows. I thought they deserve it no matter. Okay. You know what?

What if they're eaten, could? This is a response from it. What if they had multiple stomachs? That's like none of anyone's business, because HIPAA would prevent you from knowing that unless... Hippos have multiple stomachs? No, they would just be really, really secretive about it. Got it.

Okay. Crystal Cave's Family Entertainment owner says, Just to be clear, we do not have any animals which run the establishment. Which I love that they're like, we do not have any animals which run the establishment. They're just... they're just like giant chipmunks you have to hit your golf ball under. Oh, right. I was going to say they're just managerial level.

They're not like supervisors. But yeah. Just to be clear. So, okay, sorry, this is why I said it earlier, Sankey. Just to be clear, this establishment is run by cows. Now the owner says, just to be clear, we do not have any animals which run the establishment. And your accusations are ridiculous. Your use of insults to critique our business is truly the only thing that is pitiful.

In the words of Will Ferrell, it sounds like you are an angry elf. Or just a miserable person in general. We've been open for 25 years and I've never had anyone who waited in line for ice cream more than 10 to 12 minutes, sometimes longer for golf on our busiest days because of COVID precautions. We're sorry that you feel you deserve instant gratification. You must be very pleasant when you've got to wait 20 to 30 minutes for food at a busy restaurant. The next point is, do not insult our workers. These kids work very hard when they are here.

Oh, so they're goats. These kids work very hard when they're here And your ignorance and condescending attitude Is disgusting and will not be tolerated Which like by whom will not be talking It kind of seems like it was, it's happened Totally Lastly, you have made it clear that you are generally

An unpleasant individual to be around They should have just put that I mean they already have put that I just like this would have been like Say it up top Don't just ignore the weird angry elf You're such an angry elf I mean if you're going to

going to put that in, make it the only thing. True. Lastly, you've made it very clear that you are a generally unpleasant individual to be around. So frankly, please make good on your promise and don't come back. End of response. Wow. They did too much? Yeah.

They did too much. They tried a little too hard to be kind of like. Like that second paragraph? Could have cut the whole thing, I think. That was the best. Oh. Because that one, or the second point. Yeah.

No, you're right. You're right. The second one is where it should have started. Where they talked about protecting, wanting to protect their employees. As a person, if you do a PR, from a PR perspective, as someone who's read a few reviews and owner responses in his days, you got to start with protecting the employees. You'd hope it's for sincere reasons, but even if it's not, it looks really good. If I went to my boss and I said, hey, that guy over there, especially if I was a teenager, like, that guy over there called me a cow. Yeah.

And my boss said, he sounds like an angry elf. I would be like, I'm taking you to court, I think. Like this, no, no, okay. I'm being dramatic, but like... Yes, you are. Just fucking cut to the chase. None of this weird elf. This was also four years ago.

That movie came out like 20 years ago. So I'm wondering, would this owner use that quote multiple times to people? Would they use different will-farrell quotes? Or would they use different quotes from elf? Hmm. I like to think that they're just a big fan of the movie elf. If they're still quoting it for four years ago. I actually think it would be Will Ferrell because why else would you say to quote Will Ferrell?

It's like, why would you quote Wilf? Wouldn't you say like. To quote Elf? Yeah. Yeah. Actually, yeah. It's like, okay. So you know what?

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. Like so like so much room for activity, that kind of thing. This is a Will Ferrell head over here. Yeah. Well, he did spell Will Ferrell wrong. So it. Ah, we can't get to the bottom of this.

I'm going to move on. This is a really complex individual. So. Yeah. This is a review here of track side. of the putting place in Mobile, Alabama. Okay, sounds fun. Here's a one-star review by Jason.

Have fun writing go-carts by yourself. You'll be the only ones there. It's like a ghost town. And the owner just follows you around while you golf since nobody else is there. It's like someone's fading memory of a bad dream. End of review. What?

Whoa. Like at first I thought, that's actually sick. Like, you're the only one at the go-cars. That's the dream to have your, to your place. I mean, if you bring a group or something, it would be a dream to have it to yourself, but not if somebody's the ghost of...

When I think brocarten by yourself, I think of Jesse and Breaking Bad when he's, like, super depressed and he just goes to the go-car track and just, like, going in circles. That's not quite what I meant, but, like, if you bring, like, a group, you know, it would be fun to have...

The whole place to yourself. Like, when you go play laser tag. Yeah. And it's like, you have a big enough group to play, and then you still get to play solo, just your group. It feels like also. such a trope that the employee would be like, yeah, guys, like, I'll hang out with you. And you're like,

you're not part of this. True, true. So yeah, I guess it could be kind of weird if you're trying to go cart. The owner did say was like, we don't do that. It's, it was probably either me or my son, and we're only out there when we're working on something. Oh, okay. But who knows? I don't know. Maybe they're just extra lonely and they'd use that as an excuse. Maybe they're working on it was like some working on their, uh, stalking skills. That's failing. Yeah, their research. That's why they have to work on it.

This is from Arrow, they them. It's of a place called tipsy putt, which is one of those bar minigolf places. Here's a review that Arrow also made the good point. This is, it's written in like a poetic fashion where it's sort of like line by line. One star by Michael. Don't come here in the daytime. Crazy no one in here. Ordered nine food items.

One person in there. kitchen. Service time very ugly. They need to server one or two items only. This was ridiculous. The bartender, excellent friendly. They need cross-trained three employees out front standing texting. Don't come here for the food. Sum up. Shit show. End of review. That review was written by refrigerator magnets. Yeah, that's that's what the, yeah. So poetic. I mean, yeah, poetic within. And like the way they spelled sum up was like sum up. So it looks like sum up, S-O-M-E, sum-up, shit show. I don't know. It's something very like, like, it feels like it means something and it doesn't.

Because they didn't have S-U-M as a magnet. So they had to use something else. Exactly. Yeah. Also, nine food items? What the fuck are you getting? I want to like, hush puppies. I don't know. It says no one in here. I love that says no one in here ordered nine food items. I'm like. Hey, said no one ordered nine food items? Crazy. Yeah. Crazy.

No one in here ordered nine food items. Oh, in my head it was no one in here, period, ordered nine food items. Oh. Maybe. Like when you read it the first and that's how I told it. No one in here. Ordered nine. Oh, yeah.

You're right. I think it is. Order nine food items. Which, what the fuck are you ordering? What the fuck are you ordering? Huh. I love that also the service time. No one in the kitchen.

Can I have nine food items, please? One person in the kitchen. And then I love that they use the word ugly. but they say service time was ugly. Yeah. I'm like, okay, I don't love that. I love a mini golf snack bar. Oh, me.

I love a snack bar. Oh, snack bar is the shit, dude. Except at like a high school football game or something. Even then, give you the popcorn. I don't know. I don't love that. But like at like a, yeah, something like this. Yeah, like at a pool.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. But nine food items? I don't know. So I have this dilemma sometimes where I love wearing colorful things, but then I'm like, how do I end up just wearing all black because I'm like, I don't know how to put them together. So much easier to do that. I know. But Fabletics has these matching sets.

And so I have like this like buttery yellow like set and it all goes together automatically and I don't even have to think about it. And every time I wear it, people are like, what a cute outfit. And I'm like, thank you. It took me zero percent effort. Thanks to Fabletics. Thank you, Fabletics, for that. I think you look great in your buttery yellow. Thank you.

Yeah. And better yet, you get 70 to 80% off your first order as a new VIP. New style drop each month, so there's always something new to refresh your wardrobe. You can skip or cancel at any time. Membership is flexible with no long-term commitment. Shop now at fabledics.com slash beach to get 70 to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Beach when prompted to unlock the offer. Fan favorite sets sell out fast, so don't wait. Again, that's fabletics.com slash beach for 70 to 80%

off everything as a new VIP. As a parent, it can be so hard to eat healthy, especially when things are busy and schedules are being juggled and there's multiple people in the household. Hungry Root has helped so much by getting more personalized learning my family's tastes and dietary needs over time. They've got over 50,000 chef-crafted recipes and over 1,000 grocery items. One of my favorites that I always get is the Ithaca hummus in different flavors. Yeah, they've got that. That's good stuff. You as a parent and then me as an uncle who lives alone and is vegan. Right. Hunger root kind of helps with all of that. I know. They can help you too. They help me too. And I'm living a very different life style. You're going to love Hungry Route as much as we do.

For limited time, get 40% off your first order. Plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash Beach2 Sandy and use code Beach2 Sandy. That's HungryRoot.com slash Beach2 Sandy. Code Beach2 Sandy to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Okay, here's a one-star review of Trackside the Pudding Place. Don't waste your money or time. Facility is in a state of disrepair with dirty borderline unplayable holes. Frustrating trying to make putts on torn, dirty, uneven surface.

To top it off, the female attendant didn't stop talking to some creepy old guy about breadmakers when we finished and didn't acknowledge us till we were leaving out the door. Again, don't waste a dime there. End of review. What the fuck? First of all, maybe the creepy guy should stop talking to the woman about, the female, about breadmakers. Maybe the creepy guy is the owner who's been following people around on the golf course.

Oh. I don't know where the breadmakers come in, but that's where I, that's what I want to know about. I just, the vibes feel not great in there. You know what I call a breadmaker? The oven. Come on. Come on, folks. Come on.

Who are we... Who are we kidding? I'm just kidding. That's the only thing I know how to make is a loaf of bread. You know what I know how to make? I don't. Take a sweet potato. No, thank you.

Moist paper towel. No. Wrap the paper towel around the sweet potato. Throw the sweet potato with the paper towel in the onion. In the onion. What the fuck onion am I talking about? Not even in the oven. In the microwave.

Put it in there for four minutes. Take it out, slather it with peanut butter, just chomp on it. No, you don't put it as peanut butter on that. Yes, I do. It's so fucked up. That's my depression meal. I love to put a potato in the microwave, but not with fucking peanut butter. You sick.

Sweet potato. Sweet potato. Stop. Only sour cream on a sweet potato. Oh, sour cream on a sweet potato. That's disgusting. I can't even eat a sweet. The only things you need are marshmallow or peanut butter on sweet potato.

You're absolutely making. me insane right now. I can't have this conversation anymore. What if I had both marshmallow, peanut butter, and sweet potato? Then I stopped caring as well as because it's just like, okay, you're just trying to make a scene, you know? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I don't even cut it. I just like just shove it in my mouth and eat it. I just don't even like a sweet potato. So we're already off to a bad start. Then why do you feel like it's appropriate for you to have any opinions on what I put on my sweet potato if you don't like sweet potato to begin with? That's ridiculous. I already have the sense of a human, which is that that the support.

fucked up thing to do. Oh, because society tells you something you're just going to listen blindly. Here's the craziest thing. Society has never had to tell me not to put peanut butter on a sweet potato because it's kind of like something innately that might... You're a sheep. You're a sheep and you disgust me. He'll put some peanut butter on it. It's so good. Literally fuck off. It's so good. I want one when I get home. Thank you. This is from Finn. They then. It's a review of 10 tiny teas. I can't. That pisses me off too. In Seaside, Oregon. Oh, God, yeah.

This place is horrible. I don't, yeah, no, I said this place is horrible. Don't say that. No, it's horrible. Oh, it's interstop. Hope it falls into the sea. One star. Yeah, I agree.

One star. By a local guy named Steve, who's profile picture. I think a wrench. I think a wrench. No, but it also has bolts and screws. Yeah. You can just tell he's really cool. So here's a one star.

But like clip art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an emoji wrench or like a clipper wrench. Yeah, weird. Employee at the golf station was throwing up the whole time we played golf today, December 30th, 2021. We left early and watched as he continued help many other customers. Oh, wait, we watched. We left early and watched as he continued out many other customers with his throw-up hands.

One time Mr. Carly came in to class and was handing out tests and said, Oh, shoot, I forgot to wash my hands. And we were like, what do you mean? He's like, my kid threw up in my hands this morning. And he had already handed out half of our tests. There's a disturbing number of stories about that man from that school. I have an entire notebook. He was also.

There was an entire Twitter page dedicated to it. That's wild. Let's just say it didn't age well. Yeah. He's no longer employed there. My next one is a review of Dinosaur-Dreadscott miniature golf in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Which to me is a kind of wild name for a mini-golf. I mean, I wasn't going to say it.

But I'm not going to go into it because what the fuck do I know? But the Dred Scott decision was the court case, enslaved people suing for their freedom. It was shot down. And basically they ruled that African-Americans were not U.S. citizens. Cool. So, and named after Dred Scott, who was one of those enslaved people. Okay.

Hopefully that was accurate enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This, as you know, is not a history podcast. Yeah. But I'm glad you at least gave us a little bit of context. So anyway, that is important context for the review, which is why I brought it up. But it is this mini golf place is in the Dred Scott Playfield. I think.

So the name. It's just named after the area, I guess. Yeah, but the fact that it's dinosaur Dred Scott is the name of it. Oh, yeah. It's just hilarious to me. It's kind of silly. Yeah. It seems so weird.

But here we go. But make it dinosaurs. Okay. Picture this. Picture this. Picture this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've heard of this now.

You've heard of Dred Scott. You've heard dinosaurs. Now. You're not going to believe what I say next. Oh, boy. Anyway. Mini golf. Here is a one-star review by Paul.

We went to play on Labor Day weekend. The course wasn't too crowded and it was very well kept. I was saddened, however, that I was required to wear sandals on my feet. I am a barefoot enthusiast for religious slash spiritual reasons among others. Oh. I can understand. Is being an enthusiast... Does that make any sense?

Well, I don't know. You can be a religious zealot. So, like, would you rather you be like a barefoot zealot? Because it could be so much worse. It could be. I mean... Enthusious at least feels like... But you're right.

Like, if you're going to call it your religion, you might as well, like, lean in. to it and be like a congregant or something. Yeah, but and it's just like, oh, yeah, I'm a barefoot enthusiast for my religion. It's like, is anyone like, I don't know, that seems interesting. I think, I think saying spiritual, it's probably like, oh, I'm Buddhist and I believe that like nature is, you know, I mean, it's probably something like that because you said spirit, they said spiritual. Well, the way this person argues his case.

Religious slash. I'll just, you know what, I'm just going to keep reading. Please. Here we go. I can understand a rare occasion for. for the need to have a shoe on my foot. But I'm so sorry. I just love that.

By the way, that's so big of you. That's so big of you to understand the need for putting a shoe on your foot every now and then. I can understand a rare occasion for the need to have a shoe on my foot, but I certainly won't pay money to go somewhere. I am not allowed to express my freedom. We were told it was due to insurance requirements. I would let the insurance agent know that, it is much less safe to be flip-flopping around in sandals than to have a bare foot on the ground.

The owner responded, I'm sorry you feel this way. The city of Bloomington does limit us on the amount of signage we are able to have around the course. So that's why they don't say you're not, you have to wear shoes. And they said their insurance indeed does require them to, um, of course. To have people wear some sort of footwork covering. Like, where are you from, Guy? Like, have you ever left the house? It's like, I get that you don't want to wear shoes.

but most places will require that. Yeah. Well, here is the rest of the review. Okay. I'll believe you regarding the insurance policy when you can show me a copy of the policy wording, as applies to customers. I guess they are the real link to Dred Scott,

a ruling by the Supreme Court that said enslaved people had no rights or constitutional protections in this country. End of review. This is a very... I mean, look, I'm sorry. Just based on this review and very much based on their picture. And yes, maybe I'm making assumptions.

But this is a very white man who is writing this. Come on. Like, holy moment. Oh, I get it now. Finally, Dred Scott makes sense to me. Finally, I get it. All the pain and suffering applies to me now. I get it.

The funny thing is that they're bringing up this case. It's like you would lose because that's the whole, they're like, oh, here, this case of them suing. Well, they lost. Right. So you're bringing up a case that set up. It didn't set any precedence for going barefoot at minigalph places. But maybe he's saying like, oh, but I'm another victim now of this failed injustice. Yeah, I think that is.

That's what's so crazy. It's just the most cringe thing I've ever heard. It's like, you know what? It's one thing to be a zealot for the bare feet. Whatever. Okay. But like. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. It is not the same. It is not that. It is not that. That sounds like a Portlandia sketch, frankly. Like the most The most It's

Hmm Okay The Dred Scott cases That's fucking crazy I almost made the joke And I was like That's actually in such poor taste It is

And then the guy didn't Even make a joke He actually actively Used it as a reference point For his own experience Okay Yeah Just

I'm like That's cool That's cool I can't Because do you want to Play minigolf Barefoot. It's crazy. It's just sick, bro.

Go to the next one. Go to another place. Or just don't. Just wait till you're out of you and take flip-flops off again. I don't know. Because then at least they can say they told you. I mean, just don't write a review comparing yourself. Just leave me alone, frankly, is what I all I'd say.

Oh, boy. So we've known for a while how great Nutriful has been for you and your hair, your confidence, et cetera. You know, it's just, Hera's been looking great. It's old news. But that's the thing is like when something's already so great, you think, how could they possibly make it any better?

They couldn't, could they? I don't know. Did Nutrafol find a way? You know what, Alexander? I think they just did. After more than a decade of research and innovation, Nutriful women just got its most significant upgrade yet. Holy moly.

I know. This is my one habit that I really have stuck to over the years. Well, not the only one, but one of the main ones that has really shown results. I'm really happy to be a Nutraful customer and also that they sponsor the show. Same. Nutriful is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand, and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists.

Because hair health isn't one size fits all, Nutriful offers different formulas for both men and women at any age or stage of life. And now the Nutriful Women's Formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet. It's 100% vegan, biotin-free, and comes in a smaller capsule size to make your daily routine. easier. See, thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months. Right now, Nutraful is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutraful.com and enter promo code Beach 2 Sandy. That's Nutrafol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com, promo code Beach 2 Sandy. This episode is brought to you

by Progressive Insurance. You ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy. Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies. The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket. Visit progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

Here's a review sent by Charlie. She, her reviews of Glow Golf and Indoor mini golf course in a mall in Colorado Springs. One Star by Aubrey. While on the road full time, we try and do things we haven't quite found anywhere else or couldn't do anywhere else. Even though I'm not a big put-put-put-golf fan, I had never done glow-in-the-dark, put-put-golf. With Colorado Springs getting some seriously heavy rain

and having found a groupon for $7 total, we thought we'd give it a try and stick with something indoors. Oh, it was so pathetic. I was hoping for more real obstacles. American Ninja Warrior style? Yeah, like a picture. like a giant guillotine. Oh, sick, yeah.

That would be a real obstacle. I was hoping for more real obstacles and neat contraptions for conquering each hole. I mean... What? Like a Rube Goldberg machine? Yeah, that totally does scream guillotine to me. Yeah, oh yeah. Neat contraptions for conquering each hole.

Actually, that sounds like a sex toy. Oh. It was clearly some cheap stuff thrown together to look like a golf course. Not to mention, it's not, I know, this person has never gone. Yeah, I don't know, I don't know. It was clearly some cheap stuff thrown together to look like a golf course. Not to mention, it's not even completely in the dark like the picture portrayed and is located in a mall with lots of lighting coming inside. On top of that, it's mostly a kid's attraction and the kids were just walking all over it as we golfed.

It took the fun out of it and even made the coupon not worth the money, end of review. Wow. They paid $3.00. $0.50 each, so I feel like... What? Yeah, it said this Groupon for them was $7 total. Yeah, this golf... This mini golf must suck.

That's how much they're charging, even with the Groupon. It's overrun by children. They're climbing on the hole. Yeah. I mean, I will... No contract. Not a single contraption. Not a single contraption.

Like mousetrap. Oh, fuck. I love that game. I remember we got that for Christmas, and then our grandma's dog immediately ate it. And I just cried. No, I mean, I remember getting it for Christmas and... Setting it up. And I remember the dog.

The dog chewed it up. Shit. Oh, it was so pathetic. Yeah. Jesus. I just love this so much. I love it. They're like, it wasn't dark enough.

And there were children everywhere. I'm like, hmm. I get that those are both problems. But if you did turn the lights off even more, I fear that things would get even worse for you. But they needed the lights all the way off in strobe lighting. That's what they mean. And like, just kids like flash of like a crowd of kids.

And then suddenly it's the flashed. Is there somewhere else? Like thumping base. But their kids are all wearing black, so like you really don't see. Oh. Or maybe they're wearing something more interesting than that. They're each wearing a glow in the dark skeleton mask. Oh, okay.

And that's it. What about it like a Dick Cheney mask? A glow in the dark Dick Cheney mask. Well, it's not glow in the dark because you don't want to see it when the strobe lights are off. You only want to see it if it's coming close. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, true. Oh, we could do Dick Cheney and George W.

And then you could be like, oh, which one's going to get me first? So there's a bunch of kids. Yeah. Just two, one of them has... No, all half. Half and half. Yeah. So which one's going to get you first?

But one of them is also Mitch McConnell, but you don't know that yet. Okay. Until the end. Wow. He's like the snitch. Yeah. The golden snitch of the group. Yeah.

It's a bunch of Dick Cheney's, Georgia W. Bushes, and there's one Mitch McConnell. If he's a, he's... Or if you can capture Mitch McConnell. He's a snitch if a snitch were going to attend. talk you in the dark and were child-sized dressed in a Mitch McConnell man in a mall in Minneapolis. So I think that probably sums it up. It's going to be $7.

Now I'm like with a group on. Sounds worth it. Yeah. I do have one more. And this is anybody by Grapefruit Street. Sheher. It's called, I mean, Grapefruit Street wrote in the email, scandal at the Putschack. So I had to leave this for last.

Scandal at the Putshack. Yeah. Now, that sounds like a Nancy Drew mystery or like something, you know, like a fun, like cozy read. So, yeah, Scandal at the Putshack is good. And this is a place in Scottsdale, Arizona. It's a one-star review by Luis with an owner response. We were at this location recording a blog for the high school. And the owner didn't want us to record because he was with another woman who wasn't his wife.

And that's why they kicked us out of the establishment, even though we had all Ready made a reservation. End of review. Here's the response from owner. We're sorry to hear that you didn't have a great experience, Louise. If you're looking to do a film production, we require you to fill out filming documentation before your visit. End of response. What is this drama?

Scandal at the put shack. That is a scandal at the put shack. Now, here's the thing. This was written in Spanish and had been auto-translated by Google, so I don't know if the put-chack had had the translation. Maybe they just saw one star, didn't even read, like maybe, I don't know, maybe they didn't translate it and just wrote like, sorry you had a bad time. Oh, no, no, you're right, because it says filming. Yeah.

What the hell? It's very specific. What the hell? It's almost as if there's a scandal at the put shack. Say it ain't so. My challenge was to find reviews with the phrase and another thing. And another thing. Unfortunately.

Oh. They were really fucking boring. all the Yelp ones I found. I guess that makes sense because if you're saying in another thing, I already don't want to hear the first thing.

Yeah. And it wasn't like no one was doing it for a bit. However, that being said, there's a little website called cruisecritic.com and there was a weird amount

of forum posts. I have three different forum posts with multiple responses within each. So don't worry. We've got some content coming. This one, we're just going to dive

write in. This one was written by Johnny, and this is what Johnny had to say. I'm looking forward to bouncing up and down on the tramps on enchantment. My wife said she would watch me having fun on a tramp, but I wanted her to join in. Any advice on convincing my wife to loosen up? What in the world? Is this an upside-down pineapple or not? Well, someone did say, I hope you mean trampolines. Yeah. So there are a lot of people who have been responding to this a lot. Well, yeah, it's probably got to spark some intrigue. Someone said, you'll have more luck with your wife if she does not know the tramp personally.

If it's a tramp she works with or her younger sister, it's a lot tougher to convince them. What? Always happy to Cruz said this. And even kinkier, she'll be bungeeed to the tramps. Oh, my, tramp bondage, Linda. She's like, I got to put my name on this one. This cannot be co-opted by any... My IP.

Mojito divo. Mojito diva. Jesus. Mojito diva. That's really... By this, from 16 years ago, I don't know why that feels relevant. God, that's good.

There's no reason you and your wife can't enjoy the tramp together. Eek! When she gets comfortable with the tramp, she will love it. Roll eyes. Roll eyes. Oh, my God. Eek. Jesus.

Someone said... If it's her younger sister, you should probably avoid using the term tramp, at least in front of her. Like, like, yeah, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, guy. Also, like, was he referring to that earlier post about the sister or are other people just, okay? Because I'm like, why are we all just saying it like that? Like, that's the thing. Yeah. The tramps.

Get her to loosen up. Someone's not reading the room and said, L.O.L. My 10-year-old son loved the tramps on enchantment. Wish there were some on freedom. And then, of course, Clark W. Griswold had to say, 10-year-old, a little young to introduce to a tramp if you ask me. Eek! Somehow thought the tramp would be for adults only, if you know what I mean, winky face.

So they're really laying it on thick here. Literally, they all are, yes. It's painful. It's spiritually painful. Someone said get her drunk. Don't do that. Hello! I guess to get her on a trampoline? No, don't do that either.

Maybe never mind. Don't do that either. Here's what Muddcraper says. Get her drunk shouldn't be the advice no matter what the question is. Monscraber says, any tipping guidelines after tramp usage? Stop. Someone responded to that tipping guideline. Hmm.

I suppose it would depend on the condition of the tramp. If the tramp was worn out and old with loose springs and a bit leathery, probably not much of a tip. How much time do you think this tip? On the other hand, if the tramp is younger and everything is nice and tight with good bounce, definitely a better tip. That part writes itself. They should have just stuck.

The joke would have been a lot tighter, cleaner if they just use that. That's pretty good. Bouncy and, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And now this is like a full page after this is what always happy to cruise jumps back in and says, and another thing. I forgot that was even the point. And another thing.

What does a tramp wear for formal night? Linda. Linda's been thinking about this for a day. Linda's like, did anyone see my comment? It was pretty fucking funny. Did the O.P. ever acknowledge what was going on there? Is it just so many posts you don't? They were doing a, they were in on a bit.

I mean, yeah, they were doing a bit about like some trampolines or something. My 10-year-old loved the tramps on. the enchant. Yeah. So people kept responding to that one too saying there's fun. What kind of parent are you anyway? Kathy. Honestly, that is the most cutting

comment you could receive. What kind of parent are you anyway? Kathy. That would destroy me. Like, I feel like they're going along with the joke, but at the same time, like, that's kind of not very, it's not funny enough for it to be like, it feels a little harsh. Unnecessary. And also, like, let's stop talking about the child. I know

I know someone else brought it up, but like, let's just leave it there, you know? Let's bring Clark-Riswold back. No, no, no, no. No, no. No. No. No. Thankfully, someone actually did respond, like, about the trampoline just in case someone was interested in that information. Was it, Linda? She's like, I've been thinking about this again, and now I really do feel like I've made a huge mistake.

It was not. It was not. My next one, I have a thing written by Got to Cruise 20 years ago. About Norwegian cruise line. It's nice. Blue jeans, yes or no. What? For all those who recently went on a Norwegian cruise line cruise, were blue jeans allowed in the dining room for dinner?

It specifically states that blue jeans are not allowed, but I find this kind of weird. If the cruise leaves from Texas, you are allowed to wear blue jeans to dinner due to the Texas culture. So is this rule enforced or not? We are sailing on the crown to Bermuda. Some people were like, you're putting the staff in an unfair position if you wear blue jeans and break the rules and make them tell you not to. And they were like, I'm just asking if it's enforced.

Yeah. And said, this is what they said. Thanks, but that wasn't my question. My question was, was the rule enforced? Did people wear blue jeans to dinner? And another thing. Why is it acceptable for Texas people to wear blue jeans, but not other people? What does that say about people from Texas?

What if you are from Texas? They have guns! Oh. That's my thought. I'm like, what's in those pants? Guns. That's not. That makes no sense to me.

It makes complete sense. That is the most ridiculous thing. What does that have to do with guns? Well, if they're going to be like, I'm wearing my blue jeans, I'm not going to stop you. Oh, I see. It's because of the threat of Texans. If they're like, I'm from Texas, I get to wear my blue jeans. blue jeans, I'm going to be like, got it.

They're passionate about their jeans enough where they will pull a gun on you. I'm certain they have some sort of contraption in there to hold it. Christina, don't talk to me about contraptions. I can't help myself. Oh, gosh. On that other cruise line, it's more like contraptions. And another thing. And another thing.

Contraptions. Now that sounds like menstrual issues. And another thing. Why is it acceptable for Texas people to wear blue jeans, but not other people? What does that say about people from Texas? What if you are from Texas but are leaving from New York? Can you give them the old, but I am from Texas and come from a different culture excuse, Winky Face? Winky face to soften the kind of like clear bitterness here.

Yeah, there is some bitterness. And then some people that say you can get a, people, they started arguing because people are like, you do know the answer. You shouldn't be doing this. Like people are very, they love the rules. And I love the rules too. But I just wouldn't engage. You just don't care that much. What am I going to do?

Like, argue with this person about the rules about blue jeans. Come on. I mean, yeah, I guess for a lot of people, the answer is yes. Yeah. There were other people who were like, why do you care about bringing jeans? You're going on a cruise. It's like on vacation. Like, or wearing jeans for all.

I'm like, okay. Jeans plus, I'm like, I wear jeans on the beach, though. So. Yeah, I was going to say, although also. you know, think about 20 years ago. I'm wondering, like, people were so weird about genes, like, clearly, but, like, remember how weird our parents were about jeans?

Like, I couldn't have any with a hole in it, or it would just be, like, complete anarchy in the house. Like, it was just like, you couldn't have a thread coming off of them because then you're like, so I feel like there was so much discourse about jeans back then. Like, it was, and then jaggings came out, and it was all, or leg,

when women started wearing leggings his pants, that became a whole freaking thing. I mean, still, when my Cracker Barrel wife, Put those jaggings on, I can't help but judge. But you give her a 10 out of 10, right? Don't tell her this. But no. She never sticks to landing.

Not even on the tramp? No. She rolls right off. That's too bad. She rolls. She sloshes around a bit. Oh, when she has liquid inside her? She's a barrel, I thought.

Yeah. Sometimes I do fill her up. It is one thing to find therapy to help with mental health, and that is a huge component. But sometimes it's not the whole answer, and that's where tachiatry comes in. Tauquiatry gives you access to real psychiatric care with licensed clinicians who can diagnose and prescribe medication if it's right for you. It's a really simple way to get effective treatment right from home. Plus, all 800-plus clinicians are in network with major insurers so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out-of-network costs. You can meet with a licensed psychiatrist who takes the time to understand what's going on, builds a personalized treatment plan, and supports you over time with consistent evidence.

based care. Yeah, psychiatry has gone a long way for both of us. Yes. And it's been difficult to get help, which is why I'm so thankful to talk chiatry exists to make that a little bit easier. Yeah, and thankful that they sponsor our show. Head to tachyotri.com slash beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. That's t-a-l-k-I-a-t-t-t-tri-com slash beach to get matched in minutes talk kiya tree.com slash beach. So one thing I've learned is that it's so much fun to be able to wear different styles of glasses depending on like what I'm wearing that day or what vibe I'm going for. And that used to be like out of the question because it was too expensive.

But now zeni allows me to buy different options. And I have like the heart glasses that I never would have dared to like commit to as my everyday glasses. But like I can wear them and they have blue light blocking and they have. RFID and they even transitioned to like a pinky red color in the sun. I mean, they're really cool. But they were actually affordable. So like now I can just play that, play that game. I didn't know about that changing of the colors. It's neat. You're never outside. Well, yeah, you got to actually follow me outside one day and find out.

Something else great about Zeni is that they have over 150,000 five-star reviews. Something tells me we know a thing or two about reviews. Yeah. And if you've never bought glasses online, do not worry they've got a virtual try-on. So can see how the frames look, which is also so much fun to try them on as you as you go through and send all the screenshots to your friends and family. That scratched up pair has done its job. Upgrade today with Zeni. Go to zenni.com slash podcast and use code Podcast 15 for 15% off your first order plus

free shipping on all U.S. orders over $65. The style sell out, so don't sit on it. That's z-en-I.com slash podcast promo code podcast 15. Here is This is weirdly relevant to the last one This is my last post There's some good stuff here This one was posted by Steve

19 years ago 19 I love these throwbacks Carnival cruise lines Titled Matra D bottom fishing for tips What? Isn't it called bottom feeding Bottom fishing?

Oh bottom fishing It makes sense to me Yeah Yeah I get it context. This feels bad, though. This feels bad. Yeah.

Here is, yeah, it's not good. Steve does not like matriety's. First of all, who does? Am I right or am I right? Just kidding. My dad does. Which is, it's a lost art, you know?

Yeah, the lost art. Well, here we go. This is what Steve has to say. Why is it that a fat salaried position needs to fish for tips? Oh, boy. Why does the cruise line encourage it by dropping off an envelope in your cabin for the matri-D. What point is the job anyway?

I know I would not complain to him about my waiter. That is how food gets spit into. Is it to stop jeans in the dining room? Well, they are not doing that good of a job. Is it to assign your table? Why not have open seating on the first night and you get to keep that table for the whole cruise? Why all the pomp and circumstance?

Dressed up like a penguin stopping by each table for one minute at the start of the cruise and at the end of the cruise. Is he the band leader of that poor singing we must endure? Is he in charge of excessive birthday and anniversary cakes? How can there be so many? What? Steve. P.S., I figured it out.

Someone must keep the red, white, and blue team scores, roll eyes. What could that mean? I have no fucking clue. Oh, it's probably some weird group game on the... I just can't even think about it makes you want to scream. Someone said, oh yeah, you go ahead if you have thoughts on matrodes for the people. Don't get me started. I am.

So, I... This person, I don't think necessarily owed the matrietya tip until after hearing this. And now I actively think this person owes them some sort of form of compensation. Yeah. Because that was like incredibly fucking rude. I would imagine the vitriol that this person would be spewing. No, they'd be like, you're the best matrily. And then go on cruise critic.com.

I know it's. This fucking guy. Like get it. Like get some self-worth dude, okay? I'm like. Get some decency, man. I assume the matre d wasn't like, let me create my system. where I give people envelopes to give me a tip.

Well, he did take it out and go, like, slide it under the doors. Himself, yeah. And then waddled down when his penguin. Yeah. If they were an actual penguin, I'd give them a tip. Maybe if they stop by. Throw them a fish.

They're talking about bottom fishing. Bottom feeding, more like. Well, not if they're not getting anything. Someone said one word tradition. Next person said, one word, rip off. Two words. hyphenated word. Yeah.

And then people were like, here's another word, optional. Like, you don't have to fucking dip. Here's another word, like, go get a hobby. Yeah. Yeah. Now, kindly chap, which is suspiciously a name that a matrily might have, if you ask me, responded to Steve saying, what point is a job anyway and had this to say. Apart from supervising the waiting staff, apart from assigning seating in his restaurant,

apart from meeting and greeting, apart from ensuring that one is seated at one's regular table on each new cruise, apart from ensuring that cabin service is dealt with efficiently, apart from noting when one is coming back and ensuring his records of that are accurate, apart from ensuring at lunchtime

that one is happy with the menu that evening and if not, taking an order for something else, apart from ensuring that someone is available to meet and greet by name, apart from ensuring that they insure a lot, apart from ensuring that each person, diner is wished a good evening by name on leaving the dining room? I don't want to pay extra for that.

No, me either. You mean apart from that lot? What does a matrily do? Matthew. I love when they sign their names. They did like, it felt like they kept repeating themselves about like greetings and being seated and running the seating. And knowing who you are and knowing your name. But yeah, as someone who watches an unfortunate amount of Gordon Ramsey content, having someone to lead the staff is very.

very important. Yeah, but they don't usually like slide envelopes for cash under your door. I don't think that's actually, you made that up. They said there was an envelope in our room. Yes. Oh, oh, yeah. The matri-D, don't blame the matri-D for that. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not. But what I'm saying is like in a host stand situation also, like that's not a good, well-paid job. And this person is acting like this matri-D position is like some high-salary thing. I don't even know if that would be true. I don't think so. Yeah, I doubt it. I think it's probably, I mean, I assume that.

Like some contract pay or, I don't know. Or even like similar to the waitstaff, just more money. Right. And like, but still relying somewhat on tips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which tipping culture don't get me fucking started. But if that's how it is, shut off about it. And either don't tip or tip.

And now to what you've all been waiting for. The reason this challenge exists. Oh, yes. And another thing. Here we go. The matri-D will earn my tip when he stops interrupting my dinner with so-called entertainment. Mad. I just do not get this tradition at all.

They ask you to dress up to make your meal time special in the tradition of cruising when the Titanic was built. And then while they have you captive, they start singing as if you were eating at a chucky cheese. Confused. The one contradicts the other. And another thing. I really don't like to see the waiters dancing. on top of the table slash serving station where they will be setting my food in five minutes.

Eek! Want to make my dinnertime special and enjoyable? Let me eat in peace and then go to the show lounge for some amateurish singing and dancing. Winky face. Chow for now. Fin's up.

Cool. End of course. Oh, boy, oh boy. I did. I'm done. Those, I... Tip your major D's, everyone. Apparently.

Just like stop. Just everybody stop it. Stop it. What if we lived in a world where we didn't need matrodies? What if we lived in a world where we did need them and they didn't exist? Bleak. Bleak. Matrudee.

That's one of those words that I feel like we shouldn't have known as early as we did. I don't think anyone knows it. It was spelled wrong every single fucking time. I promise you, yeah. It's one of those words that we were taught at a very young age for some fucking God-forsaken reason. And I still don't really understand. Because we had to read books. on etiquette growing up, Christina.

Yeah. Our stepmother. Yeah. That is why. We knew what a matrily was. One time. That's not the only reason. Yeah.

I'm not telling that story. Never mind. Which one? Just everyone, next time you see your matri-D, give them a good old handshake for me. You know how all of us have a personal major D? Next time you see your matri-d.

Next time you go to your country club and see the matri-D. You tell them. You tell them you deserve. more than my vitriol and accusations. Slide them an envelope. Don't do that. I'm full of fish because they're a penguin, the anchovies. But they're alive because I'm vegan.

They're just swimming in there, happy as a clam. And the penguin says, I don't care if you're vegan, I'm a penguin. And I say, I respect you. And then dad says, what kind of country club is this? And then he starts yelling at us. And then we wake up and go. Time to record this bullshit episode of the podcast. Oh, no.

I'm still here. Oh, on this couch recording. Okay. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Say bye. Bye. Beach Two Sandy Water Too Wet is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Cheever.

The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borhees Wendell of VW Sound. Fudo Fou. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free. on Pluto TV where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. Welcome to the real world.

Mean girls. Shut up. Titanic. I'm the key in the way. And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch.

On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Think your favorite theme park attraction is world class? Well, we're putting that claim to the test on for your amusement. The podcast where we're. exhaustively evaluate the world's most popular theme park rides and attractions. I'm Ryan Bergara. And I'm Byron. And on this podcast, we'll hit everything from the legendary classics to the

newest headliners in full detail. That's right. The thrills, the theming, the storytelling, the history, and whether they actually deserve the hype. One attraction at a time. We're answering the ultimate question. Is it truly world class? We nailed that. No, I think that's great. You love it. Find out on for. amusement. Follow, rate, and review for your amusement wherever you get your podcast. Bye-bye.