Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 408:  Reviews of Froyo with Michelle Collins

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

I hate when they put wang in my food.Follow Michelle on Instagram at @michcoll or @The Michelle Collins ShowWe're going on tour! Buy tickets at https://www.beachtoosandy.com/Book a complimentary financial planning call with an Arca advisor at arcawealth.com/beach.Go to dipseastories.com/beach for your first week FREE - then 25% off. Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code BEACHTOOSANDY. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little extra cash back.  Get $25 off your first purchase when you go to t therealreal.com/beach.Head to talkiatry.com/beach to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in‐network psychiatrist in just a few minutes. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your sister host, Christine. And I'm your brother host. My name is Zandi. We've got another sibling today. Another one.

We found another one. More people want to be our sibling? They didn't want to be. They didn't agree to that part. We did put it in the release, but it was just an invisible ink at the bottom. Today we're so honored to have Michelle Collins, comedian, TV personality, host of the Michelle Collins show, which is free and available on Patreon. You may know her as a former co-host of ABC's view, but she has got an extensive television

resume, including hosting all sorts of reality after shows, which I know our audience is very much into, Bachelor and Parenthood, and So am I, Nse, and so am I, a need a fiancé. married at first sight. Oh my gosh. There's so much here. Selling out things, selling out awesome things, doing awesome things on the TV. This is what happens when I write a bio. And is currently selling out stages nationwide with her amazing tour, which sounds so fun. Wait, why don't I know you? And it has a show, her tour has a show tomorrow in LA, 924, September 24th. Michelle, welcome. Sorry, that was so long. Thank you. What a horrible bio. No, I'm kidding. They said before we started, I did tell her to please give me. It was good. My review of that bio, because this is a review,

you podcast, which I want you to know, my whole life is reviews and I'm so thrilled to be here. And like, we are, we are siblings. I actually don't have a sister. So I'm so excited. You do now. Sister. Brett. Threat's overrated. Is it? I feel like you lost steam halfway through the bio. Like the top I was like, oh, she's coming in a hot with the bio. And then you gave up on yourself and my career about halfway through. And then you picked it up because you knew that I had to sell tickets to the show. And I'm in a bunch of cities, by the way. And you know, it's so. special is that you still wanted to be my sister after all that. Girl, we are meant to be siblings.

Don't you worry about it? This is all meant to be. I feel it, divine timing. But yes, the tour sounds so fun. And it even says in the end of it like, well, this, you do all sorts of stuff at the show, too. It sounds like a, like a, you're like a Renaissance woman, like a variety show. It is. They're singing.

There are stories. You know, everyone's doing crowd work these days, which I even hate. It's like how I hate the word podcast now. It's like everyone can just say they do something. and then all of a sudden they do it. We're good at it. That's the difference, you know? So we're good at it.

I say that all the time. That's true. But yeah, come to the show. It's a lot of fun. Every show is different, literally. Oh, fun. I love that. In a bunch of cities over the next six months or so.

So just head over to my Instagram. But yeah, thanks for having me. How are you guys doing? Listen, I'm doing great. Live in the dream. I do want to know what your experience with reviews is like, because most people come on the show and they just don't really have any concept and maybe have perused Yelp once.

But I'm curious what you're experienced with the review world. is like. Let me tell you something. I am a real people pleaser. I'm very needy and I like to be liked, but I also really see in others when goodness comes. I'm like, wow, this is an amazing person. So I like to say that I'm the reverse Karen. Like my haircut is very Kareny. But I always say I'm the one. Like when I ask for the manager, it's to compliment someone. It's not to like with someone to shreds. We always say. And so my only issue with reviews these days, and I've actually brought this up on my podcast, is 98% of my reviews are five stars. When something goes horrifically wrong,

usually they have my personal information, so I don't like to leave a one star because my personal info is more important than me, like speaking my truth. Getting revenge. Yeah. Exactly. In the rare instance where I feel like,

no, this has to be a one star like the time has come, I feel like Google is hiding the one stars. They have to have them approved and all this stuff now. So I've almost stopped leaving, In the rare occasion, I want to leave a bad review, I've almost stopped altogether, which is kind of funny. Wow, this is big news for us because as people who rely on the one-star reviews pretty much solely for our careers, we got to get those back and kicking. Yeah. And yet it's also not surprising because we see some bullshit like that. Yelp especially loves their bullshit.

They love protecting the business owners about how the business owners are getting trolls. Small businesses, they have any so many. Small businesses. We don't mean Yelphals. They're relying on a five-star. review. We should do a reverse. You've got mail movie where we love big corporations and we just close all small businesses down. Think about it. That's fun. We could do undercover boss but make it just like even more unpleasant than it already is. Yeah, only Merkins. It's natural hair. Only

Merkins and we're terrible at business. I think it's a great idea. What could go wrong? I feel like Nathan Fielder has really made a name for that kind of content. Well, today we're reading reviews of frozen yogurt. Obviously, why wouldn't it be? Because we thought that made sense. How do you feel about frozen yogurt? This is our really interview. This is, by the way, I'm loving every second of this.

And as a woman who has battled her weight her entire life, I have a very long and storied history with broyo. It's fraught. It's fraught. Yes, fratio. You can have that. Pratio. What on.

Growing up, we had a place here in Miami called TCBY. Did you have that where you was? The country's best yogurt, for sure. Yes. Let me tell you something. It was. And I'm grateful. Like they had, remember the shivers?

Did you ever get a shiver? Yeah, vaguely. But like in an airport once, I think. Always, yeah. When I was in the ER, I got this so dumb. I can't. When I was in a haunted Airbnb. But no, the shivers, it's the most delicious frozen yogurt at the concoction.

They would take a flavor and then blend in like candy, pieces. So I would do vanilla with Heathbar crunch. Oh, sick. God, it was so good. And I think today, because of TikTok, no child could even enjoy a shiver because the lines would be wrapped around the block. Oh, I see. You think it would be too much. Suffering from success. Suffering from success. Yeah, it's another big business that's just so tragically gone down. Yeah. I know. Or do they exist? I don't think they exist. I think there's like maybe a couple, but it's just a really dark history with T-CB-Y. I love pro-yo.

I do, too, but I love the toppings. I'm just like, I just want to eat the candy on top of it, I think, is my problem. And then it, like, weighs like eight pounds and they charge you. You got to put a little fruit in there, little strawberries, and you're like, it's healthy. Granola. With all my heat bar. Yeah, and I'm all my heath bars. I'm going to start off with a local place.

Well, it's a chain Menchies, but there's a local menchies franchise. And local to us. Local to us, sorry, in Cincinnati. And there's a friend of mine, when I first met them, she was like, oh, like, you do this podcast about reviews. I have this great frozen yogurt place with some wild reviews. And we hear that all the time. So many people are like, oh, I got a place for you.

Holy shit. Does this place have the most ridiculous responses from the owner that I have maybe ever seen? I discovered this upon my... This place? Yeah, during my job. journeys on the internet. I've heard of Menchies, by the way. It's a chain because I don't know if I've been, but I think they have them here in Florida. Okay. I've not been to one, I don't think. It sounds like maybe I won't want to, but we'll see. Here we go. Here's a one-star review. Worker was very rude.

She yelled at me for accidentally spilling a tiny bit of yogurt and told me she didn't want to clean it up. She then proceeded to make a snarky comment. Don't go here. And now the owner had this to say in response. I knew we would meet here. I'm sorry that such a young person like you has this display of lack of dignity and truth publicly. You were out there looking for confrontation since you set foot in my store, and I did not fall for it as I sensed you were a kid trying to release anger since I met you. Whoa!

The phrasing in your t-shirt was highly offensive, but fortunately there was nobody else inside the store but plenty of guests in the patio. You did not drop that mango accidentally. Oh, it was a mango. It was mango. Expensive fruit. That is an expensive fruit. Oh, no.

You were trying to sample and then decided to dump it on the machine. I saved the camera recording. When you said you did it accidentally, you made a conscious choice to choose that word as a way to get by. I said, okay. And prior to that, I said, I bring it to your attention because there are no robots to clean up. I do. And nothing else.

And I am the owner. many levels of objectification and dehumanization towards me and my business in your comment. I hope life treats you well. You are too young to display this behavior. I feel like this phrase is usually you're too old to be displaying this kind of behavior. Yeah, wait a second.

Yeah, you're not jaded enough yet. It's like a kid in a froyo shop, you kind of can't really expect much of them. But whatever. I have a really controversial take. You're going to hate it. I'm on the side of the owner. Okay.

Interesting. I can't wait to read my book. more about this person. I don't know. Are we supposed to speak about it now or wait till more? Please. Please. No, go for it. No. I just feel like... He's just trying to trap you in a bad decision. I can't wait. Yeah, because he has

more reviews from this place. I think he's going to try to trap you in taking sides. But we'd love for you to do that. That's what we want. Please, go right. Well, I'm the first one to announce that I'm wrong often. And I'm obviously doing this to be a little bit contrarian because it seems a little easy to be like, yeah, screw that owner. Oh, little kid comes in, drop some mango. is some little prick, if I can curse here.

And then immediately it runs to leave a one star. I also would be annoyed. So I'll say from the get-go, I feel like I'm willing to give the owner another chance at Menchies. Yeah, it did feel sort of like the mango was the final straw. Like all the dehumanization that took place before that

was just building. And the mango really just finally. And the shirt, whatever. I really wish I had some clarity on what the shirt said, that offensive. I agree. I wish we did too. There was no more information about that.

But no, you're right about these fucking kids in froyo places. You're so right. It's a fucking, they're menaces. They're menaces. Children and fro you places. I don't trust kids. I don't trust kids. I see how they are.

I don't have kids. But I got to say, so far, I'm not convinced that the owner is nuts. So. Okay, good. Well, I love this energy because it's going to be so contrary and fun for us in a few minutes. Okay. I am assuming. I can only assume.

You're like, you have no idea what to expect. I have no idea, but I kind of do. Okay, so this was sent in by Ellie, she heard. And it is something we don't usually do, which is actually a next door post. Oh. And I also wrote announcement because it's not really, it's just kind of an announcement that this person named Brenda left on her neighborhoods. She actually left it for 40 different neighborhoods.

Wow. Where is that in the metropolitan area somewhere? I know. She expanded the window to just get a tri-state area. Lord of the Rings. You know, she's on a mountain top. I think like smoke signals. Okay, go on.

And it is important. It's extremely important announcement because it is a blurry picture. As you can see, Al Zeno showed you. It's just a blurry picture of the Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia-Froia. Cherry Garcia, one of the best flavors.

Yeah, and it's a froyo flavor. And she says, this is my favorite. I was in a hurry. I didn't read it. It says Froyo, frozen yogurt. Just letting people know, Walmart, it's okay. I prefer no yogurt.

Just ruined it for me, but I will still eat it. End of review. 40 neighborhoods have been notified. Wow. She accidentally bought frozen yogurt instead of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and she wanted everything to know. 40 neighborhoods needed to know that she prefers the ice cream, but she'll eat it anyway.

She has terrible taste because let me say something. The Cherry Garcia Froyo is one of the best Ben and Jerry's flavors. I haven't had it in a minute, but it delivers on all counts. You've got the cherry halves in there, the chocolate chunks. You really are an anti-Karon. It's like she's really like taking the opposite side. I'm loving this.

Yeah, this is great. We need more of this. Yeah. Usually it's just us fighting with each other. Yeah. Are we fighting? Yeah, see. I hope so.

This is great. With the best. Okay. Sister. Now I know what it's like. Go on. I know. I'm just trying to like indoctrinate you into this lifestyle.

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That's DIPSEA stories.com slash beach. You might really like this response because you love this over. I can't believe I'm reading this one. This is a one-star review, and then I'll read the response from the owner of that same place of Menchies. I heard from my cousin that the service wasn't the greatest, so I decided to go for myself.

Turns out my cousin was right. Yogurt was good, though. End of review. Oh, boy. See, now this is like what deserves the response. Okay, go ahead. And then here's what the owner had to say. Black Wall Street, Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1921.

End of response, which is a reference to the Tulsa Race Massacre. Yeah. What the hell? What the fuck is that? Oh. Well, that sounds like they thought it was chat GPT. It sounds like they thought they opened up chat GPT and wanted to learn more about. They're like, I'm doing a research project.

Yeah, and accidentally opened up Yelp. I think there's no sense. Unless it's some sort of racial, I mean, I really hope not. That's what I'm wondering. That's what I'm wondering. Well, I think they are like kind of saying something about their own business. and like that, like, victimizing their own. Oh, that they're the target.

They are the target of harassment from reviewers. Because I've read a lot of reviews of this place, and they tend to immediately be like, well, how they're, how they're, how they're dehumanized. Yeah. Is the owner a person of color? I believe so, yes, based on what I've read. Okay, that does change things.

I know. It does. It's interesting. By the way, I'm still on the right side of history. Keep going. I got to say, Michelle, you're getting points. We're like, we're bringing nuance.

We're bringing so much nuance. And that's what we need to. We're trying to live in the gray area. That's right. Because I have to say that does, and remind me what neighborhood this is in, where it is? Cincinnati.

It's like, Ohio. It's like a kind of suburban area. Like not, eh, a lot of like strip malls. Ohio. It's very Ohio.

Okay. Okay. I'm so far, I'm, I'm 100% team men shies. Got it. Okay. Go on. Okay.

All right. I mean, listen, I thought he would really, knocked that one out of the park, but he's really not. I'm just, I'm providing content. We're, there's more. Slowly building the conversation. There's more.

Well, no, because listen, if that was a white person leaving that comment, totally. Oh, yes. That it's like what, that's actually deranged, but there's a threat or something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay, this is sent in by Michael. It's a review of a place called Encinitas Swarles.

This is from Yelp. It does sound fun, but it is a one-star review. A lot more fun than whatever I'm reading. For sure. And the race wars? It's not what I signed up for today. I'm sorry. I can't hear of the swirl of the chocolate and the vanilla, racial harmony, to quote, Seinfeld.

Yeah. The toppings. Yes, everyone meshing and getting along. This is why we give you no information before you show up. Because we don't really. Because you wouldn't have shown up. Because we wouldn't have shown up. And we also have no clue what we're going to say.

It's usually not really good. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Here's a review of the Encinita Swirls. Terrible customer service. The guy that worked there named Dean yelled at my six years old. son because he used his hand to get some topics. Then he yelled again at my son saying, Jesus, and get your hands off, dude, because my son licked a spoon. Then he said that I need to watch

my kids and I am not doing my job watching my kids. When I told him why he was yelling at my son who was only six years old, he said again, I need to watch my kid. And he was very disrespectful and started yelling again and saying, you need to pay and leave. I asked to talk to his manager. He said he is the manager and then I need to leave. And then he said again, Jesus, and then I need to apologize to him. I answered him saying, this is a place for kids. First of all, I don't think that's true. That's crazy. So many people said, this is a frozen yogurt shop for kids. Why do they say that? That doesn't feel like it goes together. That's not a thing. Irresponsible parenting. Irresponsible. He just put his hands in the mango. What? Which this man, I got to admit,

this man, she's owner deals with a lot of shitty kids. It's making a lot more citizens. Guys. Fids will drive you to some wild responses. Man, maybe we're really changing. Maybe it's are changing. That's why I'm not going to call this, you know? Finally. That's why I'm here. That's why you're here. Yes.

Thank God. I paid and said, I'm going to call corporate and make sure they know about what happened. He ran outside and said that he will call his manager, surprised. I mean, yes, I think, because I don't really know what's happening, but it says surprise. From someone who is very disrespectful to lie. So it turns out he is not even the manager. So I talked to the manager on the phone after I hear Dean lying to his manager about the sequences and what actually happened.

Once a liar, always a liar. That's what he says about Dean. Anyway, the manager was very respectful and apologized to me and said, what happened is absolutely unacceptable. He offered me free yogurt and asked Dean to apologize to me and my kid. After I hang up, Dean handed me a punch card with four punch spaces in it and said, here you go. I said, you need to apologize to me and to my son.

He said sorry in a silly way and looked at my son and said, sorry, dude, this was a horrible experience. My son and I were dramatized, and we will never go back again, unless this dean guy gets the right discipline from the management team. Spanking. He needs a spank. Yeah, now that crossed the line for me. The word discipline I don't like.

Bad news. Red flag. Yeah, I don't like that. Especially if you're not even telling your child not to put your hand in the mangoes. Who are you to talk about discipline? Yeah. Discipline your own kid. Don't spank your kid.

Don't spank your kid. Don't spank. Don't spank. Dean, don't spank anything. Without concern. Unless they consent to the experience. Yes, unless they put their dirty hands in the toppings, which, listen, we need to train our children not to be little animals.

It's not okay. I have a four-year-old, and I know that's not okay. I know that I don't take her to Froyo because she will probably do something chaotic like that. That's honestly, yeah, it's like celibacy. You just don't do it. Yeah, it's just such a great comparison. Perfect analysis.

I can't believe you have a four-year-old. You look 22 years old. I'm in shock. Oh my God. Wait, say that one more time. Let me turn the volume. You look 22. I'm shocked.

When I meet people who are like in my generation, although I think you are much younger than me, who have children, I'm just like, make it make sense. How do you do it? I don't know. I'm sort of in a portal, a wormhole. So when I get to the other side, I'll let you know. Let me know.

Don't talk to me when you get to the other side. I don't want to. Okay. You're in it too with me. Don't worry. I'm not in the wormhole. Why? You're in it.

Shit. Sorry. It's what you signed up for. Are you just heard of by like the words? I don't want to read these anymore. You have to read these. Well, now you have to. No, they're good.

I'm not going to read the full review itself, but basically what happened was the person went to pick up a DoorDash order and asked to use the bathroom. And the owner said, no, you can't use the bathrooms for customers only. So then in the review, they said, well, I'm here in lieu of law.

the customer, like, picking up for a customer and they wouldn't let me use a bathroom. So that was a review. Okay, I'm on their side here. That's ugly. That's rough. And here is the response to that review. Don't worry. I'd already blocked you because of your lack of respect to my establishment and my humanity.

If you think I'm here to exclusively clean after you, you are automatically categorizing me as a slave, and I will not tolerate it. That classification was over with 300 years ago. Would you be up in arms against a giant corporation such as Starbucks for not allowing you to use a facilities without a purchase? Why did you assume you could in my shop? Because I am a small business owner? You didn't ask, you didn't say please, you didn't even respond to eye contact. All you said was, I need to use the restroom. I regret having being flexible with you and allow you in.

Next time you will drive by my residence, find my door open, and directly go into my powder room without even saying hello just because you need to use it. The entitlement and the victimization in our society nowadays are outrageous. I'm going to say, I don't agree with not letting the guy use, assuming it's the guy in the bathroom, but I'm about to vote this man in for president. We need to bring manners back. So I could see when you're dealing with pigs all day. I'm not saying he did the right thing.

That wasn't a nice thing to not let him use the bathroom. But like, yeah, if you're rude, I'd also be like, no, you're not going to go use my bathroom. Like, people need to remember how to be polite and we're losing that. And I feel like this person's not polite at all. Let me say something. Based on these reviews, yes. But I agree.

But I mean, I'm telling you, like, if someone came in with a shitty attitude and then had the nerve to go leave a one star, I would be bitchy also in the responses. Fair point. It would be too. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm bitchy on the podcast about our reviews and I don't even read them. I assume about them. Yeah, we just... I also don't read them. I can't. We actually did. We did an episode once of one-star reviews

of our own podcast, but we had to very carefully have somebody select those for us to protect our tender hearts, you know? We are very tender. And then we read these bullshit reviews about other people and laugh at them. But about our own, uh-uh, we can't do that. Too sensitive. I know.

It's funny that you see the business name, by the way, because like that I'd be like, well, why are you putting Menchies on blast? What we're trying to do is tell them is be truth-tellers. You know what I'm saying? That is always what I say about myself. That is always what we say about ourselves. You guys are crushing it. Thank you so much.

That's another thing I always say. So this is a great value low-fat, gluten-free vanilla frozen yogurt from Walmart. Jesus Christ. Sounds terrible. It is terrible. Unless Michelle has something better to say about the great-value, low-fat, gluten-free frozen yogurt. I've never tried it, and I love gluten, so no.

Fantastic, me too. One star by Max called What is this? Do you like ice with way and chemicals? No yogurt was harmed in the lab that made this crap. End of review. yogurt was harmed. No yogurt is spelled with an E, though. Yogurt.

Oh, very old-fashioned. Yeah, no, it's not like your traditional churned butter style, but it is also from Walmart.com, so I don't know. And I got to find the nuance there, too. I would say the gray area. You know, I got to say that Walmart is having a renaissance. It feels... Are they?

I'm telling you. Not about yogurt. You know, you've said a lot of things on this show already, so I'm just getting a little wary. Yeah, they have a lot of hot takes. I love it. I'm sorry. I'll stop talking. Okay, read the next first. Please tell you.

Please tell me. No, no, no. Curious about the ball. We're not being fantastic. Too many takes. You're right. I agree. I agree.

It's not too many. You didn't say too many, but okay, okay, okay. Walmart is having a renaissance and we're going to talk about this at some point. Yeah, yeah. As you all probably know, I've been taking Nutiful for years, and I'm so excited because the Nutiful Women's Formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet. And when I got it in the mail, I was so excited. It's 100% vegan.

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In Texas, so now we're really getting like, you've got to get away from the Ohio one. I love it doing with that one. Here we go. One star. I hate to even give it one star. The place was absolutely filthy and disgusting. The yogurt. Two different flavors had an awful wang to it.

Not a wang. We sat outside, took a few bites, and threw it in the trash can. We normally go to the one on 82nd. we will not return to this location. They definitely have operational issue. End of review. Oh. There's some wang to it.

I hate when they put wang in my food. Honestly. Like, come on, not more wang. I asked for less wang this time. Wang on the side. That's what I asked. Wang from the side always. Now, are you a tart yogurt fan?

Because I am and I know not everybody. Can I clarify the question? When you say tart, do you mean like getting like lemon, lemon yogurts and things like that? or like a tart vanilla, like a pinkberry. Like the classic like pinkberry tart like. I like it. Me too.

I like all tart things. I prefer tart to sweet, I would say. Me too. Me too. Few. I don't know if I prefer it, but I like them both. I haven't had Freud in so long. I know.

I wish we lived closer because I'd bring us some today. We could go to Walmart. They have really good stuff. I've heard they have incredible yogurt. Less wang. No wang at all. No wang free. And it's not even spelled like yogurt.

It's spelled like great value yogurt with me. I actually have a really. review that I just found from Menchies, Las Vegas, which I did not even realize I brought. So I guess this is meant to be. Oh, I thought you meant like just found. No, I just, I did just find it in my own notes that I wrote last night. Once I review of Menchies, Las Vegas, and now we're going all over the place. So I was just there to get some yogurt for my boyfriend. And when I went to pay, I handed the employee Michaela a $100 bill, and I was then informed that they did not take $100. And unfortunately, I didn't have my phone with me. It was next door at T-Mobile getting fixed. So I didn't have access to my

debit cards so the total came to $15.30. I dug around to my purse and came up with $12. The guy that was behind us in line saw what was going on and gave me the extra $2. So then I was at $14. So the worker Michaela literally grabbed my yogurt, scooped out some of the toppings right into the trash, which was kind of mind-blowing to me. Like, I get it. It's a business. I don't expect anything for free, but it's crazy to me. They would just throw away a perfectly good product rather than give a loyal customer a discount over $1, I will never be going here again, and I will not recommend this place to anyone as they care more about a ridiculous bottom line than their customers. Jesus.

Wait, why were they scooping it out? Because she only had, she was a dollar short because they don't take $100 bills, so they just scoop it out of the trash. I just find that so insane. And, like, of course, it's in Las Vegas. They're like, whatever the fuck. That's so good. Dump it in the trash.

I love Vegas. Yeah, Vegas is wild, man. We do. We have fun in Vegas. I'll tell you, of course they're scooping for you in the trash. There are no rules in that town. They don't give a shit. They're like, put wang in it, toss it.

We don't give a fuck. For all that, you get extra wang in yours. That's what you get. Oh, in Vegas? Always. Understood. It's understood. Yeah.

I've got one of the place called a golden spoon frozen yogurt. The one-star review by Heather. My family and I had a very odd experience at this location. The staff was hitting. in the back. Then, once we were finally greeted, the employee sneezed several times into his arm. Instead of just washing his hands,

there was literally a sink right next to him when this happened, he threw his hands up and said, they're clean, they're clean! This is that like a thing? Is that allowed? I think it counts, doesn't it? I just think it counts. The germs here, they're like, oh shit, we got to go.

is reality, you know. Like the signs, like employees must like wash their hands before returning. It's like, or roll them up and say, they're clean. At Golden Spoon. Just scream it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. This, of course, was not comforting. After serving us our order, he quickly retreated to the back and did not return for several minutes. Oh. There was no music or any sort of ambiance, and the place seemed very eerie.

And he's just sneezing. It comes out, sneezes and just disappeared. There's like no music. finally another customer walked in but left because no one greeted her for several minutes. When the staff realized they had missed this client, they chased after her, but she was not willing to return. I do not anticipate bringing my family back to this point. He's like waving his arms like, they're clean. That's like a SpongeBob episode.

That's terrible, right? Now we're getting to some real one stars. That is bordering on assault. Yeah, no, things are getting heated. These places are getting, yeah, they're getting a little heated. I actually have a place called Yagu, which is, you know, it's a local spot in Cincinnati. Yagu's local? I think so.

I don't like the name of it. You know, it's not a great name, and it has two, it has dots over both O's, like O'mlaunts, and I don't necessarily think it means anything. So I think they're just doing it for the clout of the O-W-W-W-E-O-G-U with the dots. It's Y-A-G-O-T, and both O's have omelounce on them. It's Y-G-U. It is just an attempt to, I think, sound Dutch or something. I'm not really sure. Oh, ugly things in the world.

Haggadas is meaningless. Is it? Not to me. I'm pretty sure. Good one. Okay. Write that down. All right.

So I have... Actually, you know what? Remember when we talked about Yagoo for five minutes? I'm actually instead going to read a review of a different place because this one's funny to me. I know. I know. I just wanted to, like, shit on Yagood.

No, I love... I fucking love Yagoo because it has the tart. Are they still like... Like, are there? Yes. Is that where the Maggie Moos used to be. Oh, that is where when we were in school and middle school, we had an art teacher. Paula.

Paula. We talked about her a weird amount of a show. She's always on our mind. But she had us make jelly bean art. Jelly bean art. And mine, like we made like an alligator out of jelly beans. They hung them up in places around Cincinnati. And one of those places was Maggie Moos.

Was that ice cream place? Yeah, because Paula liked. that she, her friend owned that place. Yeah, well, your art was in? Pretty sure, yeah. Well, Yagoot fucking took it out. They were like, we're redecorating. Ew, gross.

I'm gonna read a Yagoot review, one star. Because I promised I would, and now I'm gonna do it. Thank you. Oh, we're back at Yagoot. Yeah, I just changed it. Whiplash, Jesus. Me and my friends just finished an intense game of Spikeball. We want.

We want a spike ball. I've no fucking clear. Oh, mine, it's not worth it. Mom got that for Blaze one year for Christmas. One of those, like, beach game. It's a beach game where you buy it at Costco. pretty much, or Shark Tank. And then you put it in a...

You buy it at Costco or Shark Tank. Oh, yes. I remember this from Shark Tank. Yes. Yes. And I was like, that looks boring. Me and my friends just finished an intense game of Spike Ball. We wanted to be healthy queens and get some frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. We were wrong. Ice cream would have been a better choice.

The original yogurt tasted as if someone poured cottage cheese down my throat and wanted me to enjoy it. Well, at least they wanted you to enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah, it's worth us with a smile. That's nice. Yeah, that was thoughtful at them, actually. If I were to go back, just ask for a bowl of toppings. Those were very good.

Yeah, it's like chocolate chips. Don't ask for a bowl of toppings. It would be like $11. And yes, the pictures shows it's semi-eaten. That was just me eating the toppings. End of review. And there is a half-eaten bowl of fruit. Gross.

Which is like, I believe you. You don't need to prove it to me. Here's my question. Do they have local ads like that it's like, because all I keep thinking when I hear the name is Yagoot, like the Yahoo ads. That's very good. Loving the name.

Okay, wait, read the one that you thought was funnier. Because you had one, I forced the Yagoot one to be fair. Yeah, that was your fault. This review of another Cincinnati spot. I don't know what this is. Rhinos. I thought that was like a gentleman's club, but whatever. Frozen yogurt and soft serve in Cincinnati. One star by Bradley.

If I could give less than one star, I would. My girlfriend built a cone and was standing in line. The cone was melting and she took a lick to avoid drips. When the moron behind the counter went to weigh the cone on his scale, he hit the cone on the window ice cream first. When I asked to get a new cone, his comment was, well, you already ate half of it anyway. First, no, she did not.

Second, he hit the window with her cone and then gave me attitude. I threw him $8 because I am almost positive. He wasn't the owner. I'm almost positive. He wasn't the owner. And his actions shouldn't hurt the actual. person impacted by his employer's action, though somehow the blame was on me. Too bad help is hard to find in your community. That's not. Oh, that is such a, by the way, there's no way you can defend that

comment. Good. I was up to. Yeah, oh my God. I was about to say like, you know what? Truth be told, if they put my frio on the glass and then insisted I eat it, I would also be like, I don't really want to eat that if that's okay. I feel like, I'd be like, okay. I'll eat it. I wouldn't. I would be like, look, I would be, I would go But then to say good help is hard to find. I'm like, that's why you got the window fro you. That's why you got a window fro you because you don't deserve a non-window fro. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve it. You know what I mean?

I totally agree with you. Good help is so hard to find in your community at the frozen yogurt shop. It's a really wild take. But anyway, as a small business owner myself, he'd not have a job tomorrow. His attitude was terrible. And the comment about taking a lick to avoid a drip, if your margins are that tight, you should have kept the hot dog roller and cardboard pizza because your ice cream overhead is costing you too much. I gave my cup of ice cream to the guy emptying trash and walked away.

I'm sure he was so thankful for that. Yeah. Never will I enter your store or refer you for business. Sorry your employee is terrible. End of review. One person responded, love this. It was probably Michelle. It was me.

Being like, yeah, girl. Get it. You hand that cup off. No, no, no. Eat that window cone. Do you guys leave reviews yourselves or you just read them? I have.

Very rarely. Sometimes if it's like, oh, they really want me to leave one and I'm like, okay. I almost always regret it. I don't know why.

It's silly, but like. Well, and also because we do this, people like follow art. I'll get an email and it's like tens of thousands of people have read your review.

And I'm like, not because of the podcast in general, like, I don't need that. I don't want to know that. That makes me a number. I don't want this. I like,

yeah. Like, I don't like to be perceived. Yeah. Oh, I only leave good reviews. Yeah, we only leave good reviews. It's just like kind of cringy, you know? I just feel a little cringe about it,

especially because it's like, we like read reviews and make fun of them. And then it's like, I'm like, I'm like, a most wonderful gel manny. And I'm like, oh, my God, I feel embarrassed. But I mean, I do it. But I'm like, you know. Yeah, we say the dumbest shit on here. We'll say the fucking take the worst takes ever. And then I'm like, oh, I left a five-star review.

I feel so uncomfortable that people see it. I don't know why. It's just like, it's very strange. We contain multitudes. We do. Yeah. By the way, let me just say, I was noticing your beautiful manicure before, and I actually thought, cute.

The worst situation I had recently in Miami is I had the worst jail manicure experience of my life where I actually left halfway through. And that was one of those experiences where I did not leave the one star. And she was so, genuinely, I've never had an experience like that in my life that was so terrible. Oh, my God. And it bothers me that I couldn't speak my truth on it. And I lost my money on it, by the way.

She was like, she offered to get it back to me. And it's kind of like that $8 person where I was like too proud. I was like, no, no, this isn't about the money. This is about being spoken to like a piece of shit, which is what was happening. And I'm dying to leave a one star for this fucking girl. I've never had an experience like that. And I'm like, it's just not worth it. And I won't do it.

I know. At a certain point, you're like, I got to take the higher road. And it sucks. It costs me $80 for this fucking road. Not cheap that high road, man. We've got some owners who like, they will, there have been owners who show up at people's houses or at their place of business or call them or whatever. I mean. Yeah. The world is scary. So it's like you really have to be, you have to kind of figure out like.

You don't necessarily know. Right. Exactly. You don't know what you're getting into. Thank you. Well, it felt good talking about it here. I'm so glad you had some space. Yeah. That's what we're here for. Oh my gosh. Okay. Next pro your review. Hit me. I've got one from Yogurt Square. Three stars. It was amazing at first. Me, my buddies, and my girlfriend all came one day, and the yogurt was great. Then it became a craving. My girlfriend wants it every time we are in Jackson. And that's saying something, as we hang out in Jackson every day.

She is currently sitting next to me, feeding me yogurt. What? Someone please help me. I have 30 transactions from this place already. It never changes. It's always her favorite place. Send help. Send help.

Worst things that could be her favorite place for you to spend money on. I mean, Froyo, like, it's not batchy, but it's, like, cheaper than a lot of other men. Hermes is so expensive. Hermes, that's right. She could be feeding you Hermes on the couch, that would be really uncomfortable for all of us. Oh, my God, the dream. Yeah. The dream, that's what we all aspire, the American dream.

I'm just wondering why they're this cry for help, clearly a cry for help. Why they're not posting it on next door. Oh, right. 14 neighborhoods. 40 neighborhoods. 40 neighborhoods. I think it was 14. Because you have a small mindset.

40 neighborhoods. Yeah. This is, I think this was in Jackson, Mississippi. So I think that would cover every neighborhood. Six neighborhoods. Yeah. It would be 40.

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Tachiatry.com slash beach. Time for a game. Okay. This game is one of the best ones I've ever come up with. Oh, I love games. I do too, but not Alexander. This is my usual format. You are going to have to guess, both of you, because neither you know what's about to happen.

Whether this is a review of a frozen yogurt location or if it's a review of a Harley-Davidson location. What? Oh, wow. This is a good game. I think you're underselling. Yeah. Just wait. Okay.

No, Michelle's been taking some really good, like, she's like. I should just accept it. I don't know why I'm, like, arguing with her about. I'm here. I know. I'm like here to support you guys. Her take has been correct every time. Thank you.

Wow. That's nice. Okay. So Harley Davidson dealership or proyo? Proyo or yogurt. Yogut. Yeah. Or yoghut.

Here's a two-star review. Uncomfortable atmosphere. No one even acknowledged my presence because they were laughing and cutting up with their friends. Very unprofessional. End of review. Harley Davidson.

What about that review? Because you want to know what? If I worked at a Harley Davidson place, all I'd be doing is cutting up with my friends. I mean, what is... That just seems like... It's like fun. You're like there with all these healthy...

You'd be working... At a Harley Davis, it'd be, yeah, totally. Oh, I would be that they would love me. I was built to be on the back of a bike like that. But I respect life too much, so I won't do it. Well, but at a dealership, you don't need to be riding it. You could just be sitting on it.

So that kind of would be the dream job for you. Words from your mouth to God's ears. Yes. I'm not a life coach, but I think I might have just become one. So are we correct. Yes, you are. And by we, I mean, Michelle and I just jumped on the bandway. And fans past.

Please join me. You hop on in the back. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I paid a sidecar for the Harley. Yeah. Oh, I'd love that. I couldn't fit me in one. That's the problem with me in the sidecars, yeah. That's great. Okay, what's the next one? Here's a one-star review. It was an okay experience.

Mother and father are older and suggested that it would be helpful if there were benches in places for people to sit. The lady was very, very, very, very rude about it. Oh, mother and father. Mother and father needing places to sit. God, Mother and Father. V-P-H. I don't think Mother and Father would like frozen yogurt, nor would they like Harley-Davidson.

So I'm not entirely sure which direction. I saw Mother and Father, and I thought, I'm going to say Froyo because why, because I don't think anyone at a Furio place would really give a shit about what the seating situation. Like, that's not in a, they don't care. I feel like it's Froyo. Well, the thing is, this is a review of the Harley-Davidson Museum. Well. Well, Alexander.

That's just unfair. I didn't say dealerships, for the record. Okay. You said dealerships, not me. I did sort of box us into that frame of thinking. Well, I'm glad to know there is a museum. It's a nice press for that. I'm not surprised at all that there's a museum.

True, it is nice press. Our listeners will be dying to go to the Harley Museum. It'll be wrapped around the block for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Catch me in a side car. Just pulling up with my little goggles. I did see.

Also, you really tricked us early on in the game. That was only the second one. This is like, so is this going. I hate the tricks. They're only like five total, I think. Yeah, no. And I purposely bring the vagus reviews that mean nothing to try to trick people.

Because I like winning. It's about me winning. It's not about... Well, it's actually more about us losing. It's a sibling thing. And the world goes around. That's what it is, yeah. That's fair.

That's fair. Here's a two-star review. Staff was mean. The one girl working looked and acted like she wanted to take us out back and shoot us. stars, end of review. We know what that is.

It's got to be the bro-yo. That's got Ya-Goot written all over it, girl. I'm like, come on now. It's got Yagoot. You know where that is. It's got omelots on every letter. You cannot love it. So German.

There's like me pro-your workers. It is a place. Oh, thank God. That's the only place you find attitude like that, you know. And I love it. Yeah. Shoot you about that. Like it's the fro-y workers.

Museum in Spinacity. It's the Froyo stand at the Harley Davidson Museum. Yes. That's hilarious. There is a Froyo place across the street from the Harley Davidson Museum. But there was nothing, no good crossover in those. Oh, that's so funny. Unfortunately.

Here's another one. One star. The bathroom was filthy. When I mentioned it to the young lady there, her reply was, yes, we get that a lot. This could be indicative of filth elsewhere. the establishment, we won't be going back. End of review. Well, that's obvious to me. It's got to be a Yagoo situation, right?

It's got to be Yagoot. Because think about it, how often are you going back to the Harley Davidson deal? It's not like you're like, honey, it's a Tuesday. Let's go back to the Harley dealership. You got to get your commemorative coins and stuff. They sell a lot of merch at Harley Davidson locations. Do they? Vests? Leather. The shirts.

Apparently the shirts, a lot of them, they don't have enough shirts with Tridentsov them. I read a review about that. They don't have enough tried it shirt. Yeah. Oh, that's unfortunate. Okay, a lot of Poseidens out there. A lot of... Looking for them.

Yeah, masculine. Yeah, yeah, good for them. Odyssey fans. They just need a bench to sit on and that'll be good. Yeah. So your final answer is... Yeah. Oh, shit, it all makes sense.

I say Froyo, Froyo. Yeah. It is Froyo. Oh, thank God. Good. Thank God. One more. Here we go.

Two stars. Okay. When did it become appropriate for businesses to allow their staff to wear tank tops, crop tops, and shorts that are short enough to show more than it covers? End of review. I mean, I hope that's a Harley Day. Like, you feel like that you're going to ask part of the vibe, no? I get Harley. Mother and father do not approve of this.

I feel Harley for that, for sure. I like the Harley answer. Yeah, they're like, they're cutting edge there. It's part, like a tank with a process, with a truck. trident on it. Yeah, they got the trident trams stamp. Yeah. Yeah.

And like you'd go there after like going to hooters or something. Like you'd go to a restaurant and then you know, holy day. Like that feels like that. Every day is breasteront day if you're me. You know, every day. That's so beautiful. I'm hiding mine today. But yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is a frozen yogurt location. Wow. Okay. Half naked of the row.

I mean, those places are kind of cold, so it does surprise me. But yeah, if you're a teenager working at a TCBI, like wear your shorts, who gives up the F? Oh, I have another one, by the way. I actually live. Oh, I'm really over this. I just like lying and making terrible games. Here's a one-star review.

Okay. It's okay, but it's sad that they offer nothing for the military. The brave who protect our country, prices are high. Staff, eh, don't recommend. End of review. It's got to be Froyo. Because I'll be honest, if I went overseas and I got off the USS Lincoln, and I'm walking into Menshees, and I'm not getting 10% off,

you best believe I'm hitting up Google to let the world know. But think about it. What if you're like going to a Harley Davidson, you're like, look at my service that I've done in there, like, full price for you. I mean, that must feel bad too. You're trying to ensure it's not even discounted. That would suck. I don't know why I'm telling you.

Poker chips? They sell poker chips, too. I'm going to go with Froyo, too, because I'm going to go with Froyo, too, I feel like the Harley Davidson surely has a military discount. Well, and also it just feels like I would be, if it's Harley Davidson, then I'm on this veteran side. Oh, okay. And guess what?

It's Harley Davidson. Oh, you know what they should give military discounts for God's sake. Yeah. Seriously. You know what's great. I looked it up. I like wanted to see if there were. I'm so surprised about that.

Me too. Froyo locations with military discounts. The number of reviews mentioning that Froyo places do give a military discount. is so high. Holy crap. It seems very, very common. Like, I didn't read a single negative review. Very high standards for these.

About that. Yeah, I'm surprised about the Harley because I feel like a hard rock cafe or something of that nature. A restaurant would probably have a military distance. As they should. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Listen, we don't do enough for our veterans, so Harley needs to get in line. So at the very least, give them a discount on a fucking motorcycle first. I didn't serve. I didn't serve. You didn't? But I spent time abroad.

Okay. And when I came back. Hope in Iraq. Where were you? In Germany. I was in Germany. I'm going to clubs. It was a lot. It was a lot.

And then I came home. The one thing that I missed were those restaurants. So they're not giving me a discount for my service. He walked straight off of the boat into a... Straight off the boat, onto the boat, the floating hooters on the Ohio River. There's a floating hooters here. It's so beautiful. Is there? That's beautiful. I mean, it's closed now.

It just closed. It's actually pretty tragic. Oh, no. There is a hooters, floating hooters on the Ohio River. Our stepdad used the hooters as a boating dock, so we would meet at the hooters. That's so fun. It was fun. You grew up with a boat and you have trauma.

Do me favor. Oh, trust me. We did not grow up with the boat. When my stepfather brought the yacht to Hooters, I'm like, walk. It's a yacht. I thought we were bonding. Oh, right. It's totally a yacht.

Yeah, it's not something that they kept in the backyard. I'm laughing. This is one of the one. of his three boat motors that he had in the backyard in some of the basement. Yeah, that's fine now. I love boats. No, he's a, he's a, he's big on that. He's a stepdad. He's a stepdad.

He's a stepdad. That's cute. Among other things. And yeah, plastic extrusion. You know. All the, all the normal interests that stepdads have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Waterworks, the Cincinnati like water works. Yep, any piping systems. Oh, yeah. Oh.

It loves a good pipe. Anyway. This is incredible stuff, you too. I mean, really. What a strange energy we bring to every episode and then, like, in part upon our guest and then make them leave with this energy. And I'm sorry we did it too, but thank you for coming in. I'm sleeping with great energy. You're very hard on yourselves.

You guys are fun and funny and wonderful. Oh, thank you. You know, not many people agree, which is the strangest thing. So I'm glad we met you. Yes, thanks for having me. More people agree than I would say, well, I don't know. We don't know, we don't read our one-star with these lately, so maybe I could be wrong. Yeah, I'm okay.

I don't want to. I don't need them. I'm just going to trust you and your hot takes. I like to read comments about her. Yeah, that's true. And I send them to her. Anyway, Michelle, thank you so much for coming. Where can the people find you?

Thank you again for having me. So feel free to leave five stars for my show, the Michelle Collins show. Michelle Collins show is available anywhere and everywhere you get your podcasts. I also have a Patreon where I do four to five episodes per week. So I'm tired. But the show is a lot of fun and it's different every single day. I have different co-hosts every day. and then I'm going on tour. So September 24th, which was tomorrow. I'm in L.A. It's a great show. Two shows in L.A. at the Elysian Theater. And then I'm hitting up, like, I think 10 cities over the next few months. So follow me on Instagram at Mish Call and you can see all those places and come hang out. It's a really fun show. And I bet they all got Sorojo nearby. We could all just do a little after party.

I would love it. And actually, I think I'm coming to Nashville, which I think is closest to you. We have a show in Nashville in fall. So maybe we cross over. Yeah, let's cross over. great. I love that. I would love that. You need an opening act, you know? We need an opening act, yeah. Perfect. Oh, I thought you said we. I'm sorry. I'm not. I think of who I know.

We are the opening. I said that's rich. Very rich. That's hilarious. Yeah. Very good. Either way, I'm happy. Either way, we're going to come find you somewhere. So, so that's. I would love it. Watch out. Thank you guys so for having me. It was a lot of fun. And I'll bring Fogo on me when I see you.

Yay. Okay. Thanks, Michelle. Thanks. is produced and hosted by Zandi and Christine Schiefer. The show is edited and mixed by Sarah Borrehees Wendell of VW Sound. To Pluto Fo, if you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the legend of Ron Burgundy.

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