Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME

Episode Date: September 18, 2019

We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town while we do it. Enjoy calming episodes of Antiques Roadshow as we pull into our final stop: the future burial sites of Alex & Christine in Kaneohe, Hawaii. So hop on and let our conductor, Gearshift Gambino, take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to join our monthly patron only live stream!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, tyops, Chopin, Jerry Leiber, and Mike Stoller. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good afternoon. Afternoon. This is episode 43 of Beast Juice Sandy Water Too Wet. It is. Our theme this week was antique stores in Portland, Maine.

And what our podcast is, is a thing where we talk about reviews from the internet and the people who write them. Yeah, I guess that's important too. My name's Christine. I'm Alex. And Olive is trying to break her way through the barricade we set up honey well your challenge this week was to find a review of a cemetery by someone who's already bought their plot yes that was very easy oh really okay yeah we're good we're gucci on that front i have questions but i'll save them until later okay perfect um i would like to give a couple announcements first off our latest youtube

video is up yay we didn't announce it in last week's episode but it came out on friday and it was a blast it's a haunting it's like a combination of both of my podcasts it's a haunting in bavaria is this so the other podcast is the haunting part this podcast is the bavaria part the germany i don't know okay no we um yeah we give a little tour of our grandma's house in bavaria at nighttime it's very spooky it was pretty spooky there's some weasels that live in the attic it was seriously actually like very spooky it was very frightening yeah um patrons get a little bonus clip oh that's right and some outtakes the outtakes are absurd the whole thing was absurd well that's true check it out our

youtube channel is youtube.com slash c slash beach to sandy water to wet and one more announcement what we did a patreon live stream we did and we're gonna do those once a month yay for patrons only yeah so if you want to give us just two bucks you get to talk to us well we we get to talk we talk at you while you send us words with in the chat isn't that what you're already doing maybe yes but this one's a little more interactive and you can see our beautiful faces also this one you pay for so isn't that great for you we're selling it jk also we do have another announcement that we hit a million downloads oh yeah that's a big thing huh and we're super proud of it and happy.

And thank you so much for getting us there. Yeah, seriously. It's been incredible. We're very thankful. And it really kind of snuck up on us. Yuppies. So, hopefully, that means we've got a lot more to go now. So, thank you to you guys and to Anchor and to everyone who helped us get there.

Seriously. It's been really, really incredible so far. It's only going to get better. Wow. I hope. Don't make any promises. Can we talk about this theme? Yeah.

What's up? It was awful. I didn't find any. This happens every time I pick a theme. I feel like every time I pick a theme, you're like, this is terrible, and there's nothing to pick from. I had a perfectly fine time.

Because you did Yelp reviews, and there are so many more Yelp reviews. It's usually the opposite. Well, it wasn't. I know, but, well, I'm sorry. I didn't even come at you with this. I just happened to say it was awful. Well. I don't know. I guess it's awful. I guess whatever I say is awful. Oh my god. Okay. So, no. I just had a really hard time so just warning you guys i didn't find any i have none what i that's i told you that but you have reviews i have reviews okay you just made it sound like you have like no i have nothing from an antique store in portland maine okay because none of the google reviews worked all right fine i have a lot okay good so did you go somewhere else what did you do you'll find out okay i did

some fun things though uh my first review was from portland architectural salvage whatever the hell that is this is a one-star review by jf rude rude rude overpriced and nasty. I will never go back in the mouth on that woman. Nothing but F this and F that. Bad news. End of review. Oh. That just reminded me, I thought maybe for a minute I was reading one of our one-star iTunes reviews about myself. About how you need to wash your mouth out with soap and stuff.

Yeah, and how the Holy Spirit does not approve of my language. Yeah. Which I'm sure is true. So, that kind of like just stuck struck a chord with me absolutely i honestly i yeah i thought that was you that he was talking about the mouth on that woman that woman f this f that that sounds like truly some of the emails i've gotten that that sums up this podcast. F this, F that. F this, F that. Bad news. Oh, bad news. Okay. So I did three separate things. I'm going to start with just normal reviews of thrift stores.

Okay. So I figured thrift stores is close enough. So here is a review of a Plato's closet in South Portland, Maine. One star from Emily. Gross because there's dust everywhere, and I always get sick whenever I go into it. Hashtag nast. Brought two trash bags bigger than Mars itself full of clothes. Mind you, they're all brand name, as they requested,

and they ended up grabbing like three things out of my 300 that I brought and gave me an offer of $13 and like 90 cents or something. Girl, what? That won't even buy me a cup of water from Starbucks. Plato's who? Hashtag waste my time. It took like an hour, so I sat in there wheezing because my lungs were dying from all the junk in the air. Ha ha ha, my dudes, don't go there. You're better off on eBay or Poshmark. End of review. What the fuck was that? I don't know. What in the world? What in the world? Yeah, the number of Play-Doh, the Play-Doh's closet reviews were freaking wild. And not even like...

Play-Doh's who? Yeah, this one was definitely the best, but the rest were just like, why won't they take my clothes? They're all from the Gap or Express. They told me that my clothes are for children. They told me that my clothes are out of style. They told me they don't take cargo shorts. They told me that my husky shorts from oshkosh bagosh are for children stop going through my closet um it was lit yeah it was people were just so offended that they

wouldn't buy their clothing and they're like this is such a scam they told me i can donate them but they won't pay me money for them i mean to be fair if you bring in three bags of mars size trash bag planet size trash bags anyway people are very i mean i do like when they think that they're really clever though hashtag what did you say hashtag nast and i asked you oh that was my favorite that started out pretty strong hashtag waste my time oh my god it's so good yeah oh okay well that was pretty great and also upsetting okay so i have one from antiques usa it's a two-star review by michael interesting place mostly junk as is all of maine oh usually a nice time though end of review oh no that's so mean to be clear that was not me

saying that and i do not endorse that statement about me i don't know we've got it recorded in your voice if i ever run for office you have quite the blackmail on me maine is all junk those main voters are gonna tear you to shreds they all wear husky shorts hashtag nast oh my god oh my god oh my god do you hear that it's a smear campaign you're never gonna do a show in maine again um yeah so that's very rude michael and also if you're saying you had a nice time don't give it two stars that's a yeah good point very good point thank you i'm full of them vote christine 2020 what's next what's next is a review of the salvation army family store and donation center in portland maine okay i think that counts as antiques right no i doubt most of those i doubt

any of those things in there are all right fine know antiques. I worked in a lamp store. You did. Here's a two-star review of Robert of Salvation Army. I love Salvation Army. They helped our family in a fire in 1966. But this store needs to

get the horrible smell out of there. But the casserole dish I purchased was a great deal. End of review. but life-saving oh my god i love that it's like in back in 1966 yeah it's like i i he has an allegiance to them but he will give this store two stars just the fact that like example a was in 1966 saved from a fire example b was this nice casserole dish yeah and those two points yeah true and when and well there's a smell as well so when you factor these three things in you get saved from a fire bad smell great casserole dish equals two stars it just to me it doesn't add up to me it doesn't add up

alexander you weren't involved in the great fire of 1966 you know to be fair i wasn't maybe that was all caused by a burnt casserole maybe robert started it with his and he was maybe disappointed that they saved his family oh oh just a dark twist of potential i don't know oh i'm trying to i'm trying to rationalize this like i always do maybe he went to the salvation armory and said all of this stuff is my stuff from the fire of 1966 why are you making me pay for it my mother's casserole dish why are you making me pay two dollars for this it's mine yep that's it that Yep, that's it. That's probably why.

That's it. I think that I solved the mystery. Thank you for your service. Christine 2020. Let's see. I have a review of Southern Maine Indoor Flea Market. Now, this one, I don't know if this is even funny to anyone. So, what a good start for me.

But I just laughed out loud when I read it because I just think it's so absurd. Okay. Keep in mind, this is a flea market where people sell antiques, okay? Okay. Kyle gave it two stars. Went in and purchased an iPhone lightning cable for $8 and it broke the first day. End of review. What?

Why are you buying that there? The antique store. I don't know. Well, like, I don't know. Maybe it's some random vendor. Maybe Apple paid to be a vendor at this flea market for some reason. It said purchase an iPhone lightning cable for $8, parentheses, $3 more than the internet. I'm like, well, then why would you do that?

I don't know. I have no idea. If you're going to spend more, go to an actual. Go to CVS. Anyway, that made me laugh it's stupid but your turn okay this is a um a review of the salvation army family store and donation center in portland maine again this is by someone weird one star like they're plugging their channel or something so i don't want to read it one star don't donate give money because it all

goes to italian mob and economic front machines off of hard-working people economic money machines controlling media politics judges all across the country at every salvation, Salvatore Ray, see, they both have salve in the name. End of review. So does the salve they put on the burn victims in the fire of 1966. Whoa. Wait, I'm sorry. I know you said you didn't want to plug their channel, but I do. What's it called?

I'm not- Conspiracy Corner. No, it's something to do with shifting gears in a car. And their picture is a gear shifter. That's it. Oh, I thought it was going to be something about the mob. It's nothing. Don't worry.

I would have mentioned it. Okay, so that makes a lot of sense, I think. Well, I googled this. Oh. That name did not come up with anything Salvation Army related. Salvatore what? Ray. Okay. i couldn't find anything um i googled about mafia link to stolen charity cash and apparently opening the article

i'm getting my red string ready to create a pin board of all of these connected connect the dots apparently 1993 there was a mafia link to stolen charity cash. Big slice of Salvation Army's missing millions traced to U.S. businessman associated with high-level organized crime figures and spent on luxury properties in California. This was in 1993. That name still meant nothing. It didn't say anything about the Italian mob. I don't know. That's all.

That's all. 1993. You didn't dig and find me some answers? Well, okay. So it says this guy is Mr. Glantz and he was aligned with Carlo Gambino, the head of one of the leading New York... Don't laugh. Literally, I'm about to say the head of one of the leading new york mafia families who died in that year but still don't laugh at mob names i'm not gonna get us in trouble

but then it was used by a syndicate headed by an egyptian canadian financier who then is being sued by the charity so like the money was stolen from them. It wasn't, like... I don't know. This is just giving me a headache. This is from the Independent, right, by the way. Oh, it's not from Gearshift? No, it's not. Gearshift Gambino?

No, it's not from Gearshift Gambino. Well, I'm glad the hairy underbelly of Maine is now connecting itself to the hairy underbelly of Albuquerque. It's all coming together, honestly. Between the fires, the mafia, the psychics. Something about a cat in a tree. Salvatore. Wow. What was his name?

Your brain's working real hard trying to connect these things. Gearshift Gambino? Gearshift Gambino. Gearshift Gambino. Okay, well, I have a review by Sparkle that I'm sure really has something to do with all of this. This is a review of a place called Abacus Ogunquit. And Ogunquit is like a town in Maine. Okay. Abacus is like an antique store.

One star by sparkle deplorable customer service i purchased a ring that i loved but after just a few days it went from gold to bronze i called and talked to the store manager emily she told me to come back and the artist would stand by her work i came in a couple days later and asked for Emily. Everything was fine until I told her about my finger turning green and that I feel this ring is the quality you expect from Claire's, not from a gallery. I was just trying to make a point and make a joke and keep things light. I was never rude. Do we find out what the joke is? That was the joke. This is the quality you expect from Claire.

Oh, so they said that to them. Yes, I told her. Oh, got it. Everything was fine until I told her about my finger turning green and that I feel this is the quality you expect from Claire's, not from a hundred dollar ring at a gallery. I was just trying to make a point and make a joke and keep things light. I was never rude. And instead of actually listening to me or being reasonable, she became defensive.

She said, I hope you aren't insulting the quality of the jewelry. Then immediately went to say, it's clearly just better to give me my money back and not contact the artist at all. I realized getting a refund is a good thing. However, it was her delivery and hastiness that made the air so thick you could slice it. She wouldn't look at me when she gave me the return slip.

I thanked her. She said nothing. Then when my son and partner said, thank you, good night, she didn't even look up at them. My son is four. So, so unprofessional she treated a faulty product as a personal attack on herself and lost a long time customer doing so had she treated me and my family with any decency we would return and continue to spend our money because it could have been a fluke but instead she lost us for life with her rudeness end of review ew ew this woman literally came in and said this ring is like something shitty

literally insulted children's jewelry store and then the woman got defensive and she said i was just making a joke she insulted them the jewelry maker by the way like yes then she insulted them and then was surprised to find that they did not like being insulted really appreciate that and would refuse to talk to her four-year-old from then on it's like that surprise pikachu meme oh yeah that little insult gallery owner artist person gallery owner artist person gets offended surprise pikachu face go by your own these Gallery owner, artist, person. Gallery owner, artist, person. Gets offended. Surprise Pikachu face. Go buy your own. These translate really well into podcasts.

I think so. I'm making the face right here. Yeah. I think that she's a very rude customer. That's my hot take. You know what? I'm on your side. Insert that meme where the sunglasses come down over my eyes.

Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Cool. She looks so cool right now with those imaginary sunglasses. Oh, she can see. She just took off her regular glasses, and she's... Wow.

Yeah. They're floating right down. I know. Are we done with the memes for now? Hot take by Gearshift Gambino. Stop with the Gearshift Gambino. Stop with the Gearshift Gambino. Your turn. We'll never take off.

So, here's my first shift of the episode. Because I felt like I wouldn't be pleasing the listeners by not providing what they were looking for. Oh, dear God. I thought I could at least please a few. Oh, no. So I will first give special shout-outs to two Mainers who wrote in. Oh, boy. Megan and Allison.

They gave suggestions for Maine. Wait. You're saying you went to a totally different theme? No. Oh. Well, I actually tried, yes. So one of Megan of megan's was furniture stores okay which i felt was pretty similar yes but those reviews

were terrible okay like because they were all were like they gave me genuine leather i wanted genuine leather it wasn't a mad it was pleather how dare you i spent so much money on this couch and they were all like that okay it was and there were so many reviews all right um so yeah nothing there but hi to megan what okay thanks a lot megan yeah no that then allison also lives in maine we didn't have that many people from maine so i figured i'm gonna to give them shout outs. That's about it. Okay. But then there's one more. So hi, Allison from Maine. Hello, Allison and Megan.

Then there's Stephanie. Now, Stephanie was researching places to stay in Maine for a road trip vacation. And one of the possible overnights while in Maine is Bangor. Bangor? Banger? B-A-N-G-O-R. Yes, that's where Stephen King lives. Oh, good to know.

Well, Stephanie wrote in a Between You and Us email with a review of the Charles Inn in Banger, Maine. Okay, great. So here it is from Ian. One star. What's the name of it? The Charles Inn. Okay. One star by Ian. The Stephenhen king in okay he lives in the basement got it just don't stay here don't even come to banger if you can manage it this dump that pegs itself as a heritage building thinks it can thrive

on kitschy nonsense without making material upgrades to the facility. Why don't you replace it as shitty carpet instead of making theme rooms about historical Maine people who would, no doubt, be ashamed at the shitty, shitty, shitty attempt that you have made to profit from their success. Your shitty hotel is not haunted, and the only ghost I care about is the one that cleans the fucking toilet properly and cooks me eggs for breakfast just stop charles hotel stop end of review what the fuck i don't know what is happening so maybe this place markets itself as a haunted hotel

or a haunted inn that's so sad if they have a stephen king room what did they call the kitsch what what did they call something kitschy yeah they said uh they thrive on kitschy nonsense yeah kitschy nonsense that's my favorite kind of thing yeah it's my favorite kind of nonsense literally if you went to maine that's what you'd be looking for some kitschy nonsense i feel like that's what people think of maine oh that was rude was that rude i don't know okay i like kitschy nonsense well we're about to lose three listeners i'm sorry i just laughed so loudly at all our mainers listen i love you guys i love maine i just i you do not really i have no opinion i'm just i'd love to see it i do like it looks beautiful i've never been to maine i'm sure it's lovely i do know a couple people from maine who are so

obsessed with maine that they kind of made me made it difficult yes for me to enjoy it yeah um but i hear it's lovely and i hear there's a song about mud that comes from maine interesting sing it for us mud glorious mud some shit like that it's very kitschy you actually have sang that for me before in the past yeah it's my roommate was from maine and she uh she liked to sing that to me there's also a maine christmas song you can understand after four years of living with a mainer it's not dominic the donkey stop talking about that stupid song okay all right i'm sorry i'm getting fired up about maine i never thought this would happen well while you're fired up why don't you read a few more reviews because i'm sure that you have many. I only have one left, so.

Okay, well, we're still at Abacus Ogunquit. Ogunquit. This is a one-star review by Mandy. Worst possible customer service ever. One older front cashier was incredibly rude to me today, embarrassing herself and me. I will never return. she has quite a reputation around ogunkwit by the way several other stores informed me that she hated people that was very clear

end of review whoa who is this woman walking around being talked about hop on the gossip train we're heading to bangor banger bangor oh gun quit what the hell yeah main just please make it easy on us we're heading to main on the gossip train we're ignorant please oh that was really good thank you oh okay christine 2020 check the episode description that'll be in there um along with a bunch of other kitschy nonsense oh yeah um yeah so i just love when people go back on yelp and then are like someone else also said that she was yeah it's my work we were all gossiping or like they come in they're like i saw another person complain or i walked outside and someone said this said that they had the exact same problem like i highly doubt someone approached

you and said yep i had the same problem you just had she has quite the reputation around oh gunk what i'll tell you what oh man i actually did read or watch i forget um something about a psychological phenomenon where people actually use like they back up their own opinion by creating like false supporters so they'll say like everyone in the office thinks this like they'll a lot of times people will use that if they're like if it's just them and they're trying to back up their own opinion and it's like not necessarily the most uh uh trustworthy or kind opinion well people will say things like oh well everyone else everyone in the office agrees or like that shit runs rampant on yelp oh

yes completely if someone out there is writing some sort of dissertation on that topic look no further our podcast it's very educational we would like to be featured in the footnotes and on the cover it's the last thing i ever would expect to see my name and in the dissertation and in the photo about the author yes okay thank you um yep so that's my one from my last one from abacus okay what else you got oh you mine i told you to take a do a few i only have one more oh total oh sorry i have two more okay do one more you finish up okay i've got a i've got a little bit of a different one. Okay. This is a review of, it's kind of a thrift store, I believe, but they sell furniture and stuff called Little Ghost.

Love it. I think it is a thrift store. I don't know. Wait, that was in the Charles Inn, right? Little Ghost. He was making an omelet. Oh, no. Little Ghost.

Oh. Okay, so this is a one-star review by Raphael. It's unfortunate that there is no good review to counter mine. Oh, I'd also like to add that the photo of Raphael, he's holding a white suit. Oh. What? Never mind. A turtle?

No, never mind. You wouldn't understand. Raphael's profile picture is him in a white suit holding what I can only assume is either a Palm Pilot or a Blackberry. Palm Pilot, I hope. And he's, like, not looking at the screen, but it definitely is, like, a stylus. And he's just, like, he's, like, looking very self-important in, like, a white ill-fitting tuxedo.

This sounds like a stock photo that I want it does doesn't it unfortunately it's rafael okay so just picture that guy this is his review it's unfortunate that there is no good review to counter mine i felt strongly about my recent interaction with their customer service representative that I am compelled to air it. This past Monday, I noticed that Little Ghost was open, and since I always notice stuff in the window when I pass by, I decided to finally enter. I am a photographer, and I'm always looking for props and wardrobe for my shoots. When I walked in, I was the only person in the store besides the seated salesperson. She was on the laptop and didn't look up i strolled through the store and passed right by her at the narrow point in the store which was about five feet wide she again did not acknowledge me this does sound like a stephen king novel it's well written it's just has just high stakes it has really beautiful, eloquent descriptions. Narrow corridors.

Narrow corridors. Little ghosts. Nooks and crannies. Nooks and crannies. Palm pilots. Oh, yeah. Oh, my. She again did not acknowledge me.

I entered into the larger section and browsed around. At this point, I stopped caring what was on the hangers because of her lack of respect for her customer namely me oh my god so he was like blinded with rage and just couldn't handle the lack of attention the lack of attention he's like do you see my white suit that's crazy though it is from jc penny i need you to pay more attention literally walked through and was so upset couldn't pay attention because no one acknowledged him his presence because the one person the one young woman who was sitting at the counter didn't say anything wow which is my favorite kind of a store by the way to be fair it was very narrow in there very narrow five feet

if you recall oh we're gonna learn more about the footage again i passed within two feet of her this time so basically he's like stalking closer and closer like a shark yes exactly again i passed within two feet of her this time still engrossed in her laptop and still no greeting i decide to ask her if she routinely ignores her customers what what why don't and our protagonist or woman suddenly becomes our least favorite character oh my god then you know those squiggles when you write like it's like those weird little squiggles they used to put in away messages on aol like tilde tildes yeah yeah sure he writes cue indignation with little squiggles wow steven king classic too the squiggles yes yeah plenty of

those she proceeded to insist that it was my fault for not making eye contact with her as i continued to walk out towards the door she just had to get a have a nice day dripping with sarcasm from me. What a fucking jackass. That's terrible. Yeah. Seriously, it's the customer's responsibility to make eye contact with them. It's really too bad because I did see a few things that I could use as props while I was ignoring the salesperson. And then this is how Raphael signed.

So he signed, you know how much like a dad signs a text message. Raphael signed, ignored Raphael. Wow. Poignant, huh? I wonder if this is like a character that he plays. Oh, I hope. Named ignored Raphael. Who goes to stores specifically for these interactions so he can complain later.

I figured it out. Uh oh. This is literally Stephen King writing this review and Raphael is a ghost. Oh my god. Raphael's a ghost. That's why he's ignored. You're right. That's why he has a Palm Pilot from 2002.

You're right. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. Literally all of it. Shut up. This whole whole thing he's dead the whole time yep what a novel idea no for a novel for a novel oh my god i should write a book it's all connected this whole thing is crazy i don't know how we do it i don't know how we do it oh my god how do we uncover such incredible incredible happenstances donate

two dollars to our patreon okay your turn oh wait i have one more should i read that first go for it it's very short okay habitat for humanity restore which by the way eva taught me about this uh place in la it's really cool it's um It's basically like a kind of a Salvation Army type place with just for furniture and they have really good deals anyway. And the money goes to Habitat for Humanity. So, Emma gave Habitat for Humanity Restore one star. My 10-year- old said this store has bad customer service and i agree and a review oh i can't wait wait to read your 10 year old's reviews in the future yeah actually we've probably read some i'm sure there are far too many children on yelp it's it's an epidemic it is an epidemic only we can solve oh what are you planning i take no part in any of this. Nope. I do like that, though, that she said, my 10-year-old said this store has, and then in quotes, bad customer service.

She really quoted her. How do you feel? Direct quote, verbatim. Bad customer service. That's a quote. What are those words I taught you? That's a quote. Sally.

Buh. Say it again. Oh, my God. What are your first words at 10 years old okay all right i'm done your turn okay so this last one i was sitting there i was thinking people need antique store reviews or something similar so need is quite a strong it's a need i found a review of antiques roadshow no my favorite show well it's not darth revan's favorite show oh no this site bleeps out curse words so i'm going to take some artistic liberties what site i it was like tv show review it's some bizarre thing i don't know but um i'm gonna go ahead and unbleep fill fill

in the bleeps fill in the bleep with alex and christine f this f that the woman the mouth on that woman yeah go ahead well how about this mouth everyone okay i got no idea what the fuck this show is the basic premise is find out what some old shit in your attic costs and that is now the stupidest thing i have ever seen but fittingly it airs on pbs which has a reputation for airing stupid crap. I think this should be canned by PBS. Public bullshit television now. End of review. Oh my.

Is this like big NBC or something? Honestly, I think based on the picture, it's Ronald Reagan. Because that happens to be what the picture is a picture of ronald reagan i don't know where that comes in but they they gave antiques roadshow a 0.0 out of 10 what is the matter antiques roadshow is the best show on television have you seen ridiculousness on mtv and you're telling me that fucking antiques rojo is the dumbest concept you've ever seen yeah i i really i don't get that no because it's false i also read some on imdb and the only negative reviews i'm pretty sure only negative reviews i found were ones where people had bad experiences

going oh okay well that's fair you actually. Yeah, but that's not rating the TV show. Okay, well, that's true. Because you didn't make it to the TV. You're not on the TV show. That's true. If you're giving it zero stars. That's probably because they're not on the TV show. They're giving it zero stars.

Well, kind of. People were complaining. They were saying, well, I brought these two items. It took hours and hours and hours for me to finally get to this line. Then it was another line for another two hours. And the person's like, I couldn't ask questions. I couldn't do this. It's like they literally, this is a free appraisal too.

Like this is all free. They're not paying money to be there. And there are so many people who go to those. Dude, that's my dream. I mean, I've Googled how that works and you can Google it and it will tell you, by the way, expect to stay in line for five and a half hours. It sounds like an insane process, but I don't know. But if you sign up for it, don't complain that you didn't get enough time.

And one person was like, I don't know. I don't think it was really worth anything, but I brought it anyway. Sure enough, it wasn't worth anything. Great. That's really helpful for everyone. Yeah. So that's it. That's all I've got.

I actually, my friend bought this ring and it turned her finger green and she said it might have been from claire's but she might actually bring it to antiques road show to see if you know what that's a great idea i think it might be worth something it really might be something big yeah um that upsets me and guys i would like to say here and now that antiques road show is a treasure, quite literally. I love Antiques Roadshow. It's a great show. It's very calming for your nerves. Okay.

Shall I? You shall. My challenge was to find reviews of a... Well, I kind of misunderstood what the challenge... I thought you said the challenge was to find reviews of a, well, I kind of misunderstood what the challenge, I thought you said the challenge was to find reviews of cemeteries where the reviewer was excited about their burial plot. Yes, okay. Yes.

Was that the review or challenge? Yes. Okay. I just kind of. Because that's what I did. Because there were a lot of people who had purchased, but were not excited and wanted their money back for the plot they had already purchased. Oh, yeah. So, I found ones where they were very excited about yes i think that that is what

exactly what lauren wanted from you lauren i'm gonna give you exactly what you wanted so at least someone's leaving this episode happy it's not me it ain't us all right All right. Bert gave a review of Hawaiian Memorial Park Cemetery and Funeral Services. 25 years ago, my great-grandmother passed and she was laid to rest here. I was still in college, but I decided on that day, this would be my final resting place. The Kulao Mountains to my back and a view overlooking... I forgot to look up how to pronounce this. We did not look anything up for Bangor, Maine. Bangor.

Banjur. It's not Banjur. Kaneo Bay. I'll say it like that. The Kulao Mountains to my back and a view overlooking Kaneo Bay. I bought two plots a few years later. I just love this place! Aww. End of review. I like that. That's weirdly uplifting. I bought two plots a few years later. I just love this place! Aww.

End of review. I like that. That's weirdly uplifting. I know. They were all very wholesome, I found. Yeah. I like that. Also, because the last time you had me look up mortuaries, it was like the darkest, most upsetting thing I've ever seen. Yeah. Remember when they lost a body? Yeah.

Many times. Yeah. most upsetting thing i've ever yeah remember when they lost a body yeah many times yeah um i do like that this guy's like i went for my great great grandma's funeral and i decided on that day despite only being in college that this is my final resting place i mean it must be pretty stunning um it must be because david reviewed the exact same cemetery no way and i went on a different search this was like a separate search i didn't go looking through the same cemetery. No way. And I went on a different search. This was like a separate search. I didn't go looking through the same cemetery. Just happened to be the same freaking place. That's crazy. I know. So, David gave Hawaiian Memorial Park Cemetery and Funeral Services also a five-star review. You gotta go sometime, so you might as well pick your place while you can. We do have family and friends buried here, so we do like the scenery.

And of course, you want to know your neighbors. That was said without any lick of irony. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point in my life where I talk about this stuff like that. And none of these people, at least based on their profile, seem particularly old. Like, that's something that I imagine an old person who's kind of just, okay, you know, lived a good life, whatever. That's what they say. Make peace with it. yeah i i can't imagine i'll ever be at that point in college being like i gotta save up some money for this yeah no way um okay let's see

i purchased my cemetery plot some 14 years ago and of course one for my future wife's wedding present didn't go over as well as i thought oh my god that it's just like i'm wondering i'm wondering if he was he knew it was like what so this was 14 years ago he bought oh so it was like before he probably knew the person he ended up marrying i assume that's so creepy i mean it's weirdly thoughtful but in a in a way where i don't understand it no but and i'm i'm kind of sad that his wife didn't understand it you meet on tinder and then you go on your first date and it's like he just slides over his phone and is like check this out that's where we'll be or just the view you want to be there someday with me and it's like oh i would love that you have a condo in hawaii sort of you could say that it's more of a mausoleum do have some property let's just say that property i've been investing for 14 years

in my property in hawaii oh my god Okay. It's not over, by the way. Yeah, I know. Of course, one for my future wife's wedding present. Did not go over as well as I thought. We are in the new development section of Hawaiian Memorial. All throughout the cemetery, you will see food on the gravesites from some of the best restaurants on the island.

On occasion, you will find one whole suckling pig sitting on someone's gravesite i think i would want my family to eat that pig and just make me a plate oh hate to see it go to waste of course the place has lots of booze on the gravesites you will see the occasional anniversary party where there are tents set up and people there to make a whole day of it this is fun i kind of want to be buried here i want to be buried there too i know i feel like there's a reason this place has so many great reviews could you imagine just like people to have like a barbecue there and like a couple other families are there hey everyone let's share some food make it a potluck hey give some to uncle uncle john who brought the shovel god

i did my friend actually knew someone that could tell us if the feng shui of my plots were good or not it turned out to be a great spot she said with the cool house back behind us resembled a dragon tail and was good luck i bought it for about three thousand dollars for the two plots and they're now worth about 10k each not a bad investment we have views of the bay and a couple feet from the pagoda. I thought being practical would be points for David. That's himself. And it would be appreciated

by my wife. But I'm rethinking that lawnmower I was gonna get her for her birthday. Maybe I'll make it a riding lawnmower. End of review. I kind of love David. I don't know. David's a gem. I love him. I love love him too i don't ever want him to die no but damn what an investment though what an investment

indeed i mean shit i don't know if i could hold on to that and be like yep my burial place is worth ten thousand dollars and just hold on to it. Yeah, I'd be like, I mean, at a certain point. Two riding lawnmowers. You don't want your snotty nephews to enjoy it. You die and everyone else gets to enjoy it. Yeah. Okay.

Good point. Right? Thank you. I'm full of them. Christine 2020. So this is a review of Ashes to Ashes Cremation. Five stars by edith my friend sandy and fruity got me a plot here i don't know why that's so funny i'm sorry i just we're laughing at names today carlo gambino or whatever sandy andity. What was the name of that dog? What dog?

Remember the guy and his dog? Oh, God. Okay, we just went on a... Oh, I was right. A wild goose chase. Matthew Poopy and Coochie. Okay, sorry. So, that was from episode 26, Parks in Milwaukee.

Listen to that. And we couldn't figure out if Pookie or whatever it was, was the wife or the dog. Yes. Okay. I think Poopy was the wife. Right. I know Poopy was the wife. Okay, I'm so sorry.

We're back to Edith. My friends Sandy and Fruity got me a plot here as a joke, but I outlived them all, so who's laughing now? Yours, Edith. Oh my god. I don't know if that fits it doesn't matter theme but i really enjoyed it i enjoyed it too um okay holy cross catholic cemetery we're just gonna keep rolling on keep going holy cross catholic cemetery and Lyneth gave this place five stars. I went on Saturday, June 21st, 2014, to check this cemetery because we are prearranging for our parents. We don't want to be cut off guard when the time comes, and we want to have everything ready when that happens.

My parents are very specific about what they want, so we went to see the mausoleums they have there. It was my first time being at this cemetery, and it is, wow, so beautiful and so peaceful. I've been to other cemeteries in LA, and oh gosh, they are ghetto and scary looking. But not this one. I love, love, love this cemetery. They have really good deals if you pre-arrange, by the way. As soon as my siblings and I finish paying for these plots, I will definitely be buying plots for my husband and I. I think I might just go back, because I kind of want to check out the other half that we didn't get to see yet. End of review. Uh-oh.

That other half might be the dangerous side that you don't want to go to. Yeah, don't call. Don't. That's. Just don't. Lyn go to. Yeah, don't cough. Don't. That's. Just don't. Lyneth, don't. Stop it. I didn't.

That's one of those reviews you just don't like. It's troublesome. What's wrong with you, Lyneth? What's wrong with you right now? I'm looking for my sparkling water. It's right next to you on the ground. I can't reach it. Okay, I'm back.

Now, this is one that I found very, very'm back. Now, this is one that I found very, very wholesome. This is a review of Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery by Dawn. D-O-N, five stars. A beautiful place and my future final resting place. We fought for our special freedom and hope that future U.S. citizens recognize the lives given for the life we enjoy. Bless my fellow comrades in arms and God bless America. End of review.

This is the most patriotic I've felt in this podcast. I just love that he went on Yelp to find his future grave site and then wrote that nice little... That's so sweet. I know. Don is a gem. I hope we can... Well, that was about to sound pretty bad. I was about to say, I hope we can visit Don someday when he's dead. But I don't want Don to die. Don, will you be my grandpa?

Yeah, that first. Okay. Now, Omar. We're going... This is the last one I have. This is of Forest Lawn Cemetery and Mausoleum. I believe somewhere in Florida. Omar gave it a four star review.

And as we say occasionally on this podcast, this one's quite a journey. Join me. Why don't you? I'm buckled up. I have been here many times and they have always helped me when I get lost in the cemetery. First of all... I would be concerned if someone was regularly getting lost in my cemetery. First of all, that would be me. Sorry, guilty as charged. I would be the one getting lost in

the cemetery. I have gotten lost in Spring Grove Cemetery and mom and I were on, she was on a bike ride and I was going for a run, you know, haha, back when I ran. And I went for a run and I got completely lost and my phone died. And mom was on her bicycle somewhere. So, we were just literally, and Spring Grove is huge. And we were. Yeah, it is. I wish I could get like an overhead, like a drone view of that happening. You know, she was like riding her bicycle in one way and I was trying to like jog the

other way. It was very sad. It took us, we ended up meeting at the, there's also an animal, a pet cemetery, if you will. Thank you, SK. Like right nearby and we ended up like meeting up there and we're like, we found each other and then we looked to the left and it's just all these pet graves. Oh, God, yeah. It was like a very weird day for me. Anyway, let's get back to this.

Haven't run since. Actually, that part's true. However, I will say, unlike Omar, there was no one around to help me get out of this cemetery, except for maybe the souls of those pets that were like, please stop stomping around on the graves. Get out of there. You're really interrupting all the people who are trying to have a peaceful afternoon. Okay, let's keep going. Omar says, I have been here many times and they have always helped me when I was lost in the cemetery, trying to find a grave marker for a loved one lost. Most of my family is buried here and I find this place pretty nice with the way they're

set up with the different garden names. I'm always amazed at how many new rows of graves get added during each visit. Oh my gosh. Sorry. I'm always amazed at how many new rows of graves get added during each visit. It helps me remember where my final resting place will be before meeting my lord. I'm sorry, this whole review is just bonkers okay okay we're gonna keep going i'm nervous i feel the staff here are very kind

and helpful recently i forgot how ridiculous i'm so nervous i'm sorry recently i was stuck when i locked my keys in my car Stop you haven't said anything What is going on Recently I was stuck when I locked my keys in my car I called the front office And they sent the grave digger to my rescue And he helped me unlock my car During my wait time

I thought of how the folks who have passed Are in their graves with no escape What What is happening During my wait time, I thought of how the folks who have passed are in their graves with no escape. What? What is happening? Don't think about that. Omar. With no escape.

Jesus. What's he planning? Like a jailbreak? It gets worse. So they sent the grave digger to help him get back into his car yeah i love that part during my wait time i thought of how the folks who have passed are in their graves with no escape but if i could get back inside my vehicle i could drive off and either do more good or bad in life these moments seem to help me remember my mission in life to be good help others and worship my creator as he instructed. There are a mixture

of different gardens for different faiths, which is always enlightening. Garden number nine is where most of my loved ones rest. I go here to find peace and pray for them and it helps me to remember death. She's like trying not to laugh so hard. It helps me. I sit in the graveyard and it helps me remember death. Okay, Omar. But no, no, no. Not just any. Just garden number nine is the one that does that for him.

It's garden number nine. Okay. Oh, no. Many people may disagree with my previous statement, which I don't quite know what there is to disagree with, but okay. Many people may disagree with my previous statement, but being reminded of death is good. Remember that if you feel the need to contemplate,

the graveyard is a great place. It should not be thought of as a depressing place, but as a place where we will all eventually go before meeting our maker. Take a seat on a bench in the garden and reflect on your life. Wow. I'm glad he threw a YOLO in there. and kind. You only live once in this life and life is too short. End of review. Pete Wow. I'm glad he threw a YOLO in there. Jennifer I know! He quoted life is too short, but not you only live once. I love that it started with, sometimes I get lost and the staff's really helpful to like, this review is meant to challenge your thinking about death. Pete That is true. Talk about a journey. I kind of forgot where we started. That's how long that was.

I mean, he said he could either get in his car and do bad or good with his life and that really spoke to me. Sort of. Not really, but... Didn't really speak much to me, but if he helps one person, it's all worth it. I love that we're spreading

the good word of Omar. Yelp review is not just for the graveyard. It's for, it's a reminder to like review yourself. To review yourself. Yep. God. I guess that kind of means the podcast is over, right? Like, I don't know what else we could even say.

This is basically the pinnacle. I feel like something happened in that review and I don't know how to come back from it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very uncomfortable. But thank you, Omar, for your interesting viewpoint. Thank you, Omar. And I hope you're back.

I hope you found your way out of there. It seems like maybe he never left. If he didn't, he at least found his creator. That's right. His creator, his maker, and his Lord. Oh, yeah. All capital letters. Okay.

Well, that's what we were taught in Catholic school to use, so there you go. So, just in case we do make it back from that and do have another episode. Let's hope. You ready to hear your theme for next week? Mm-hmm. Okay. Our theme is Runza's in Lincoln, Nebraska. You know I don't know what that is.

Runza. It's a fast food chain in Nebraska that serves Runza's in Lincoln, Nebraska. You know I don't know what that is. Runza. It's a fast food chain in Nebraska that serves Runza's, among other things. It's, according to Wikipedia, a regional cuisine. It's a yeast dough bread pocket with a filling consisting of beef, cabbage, or sauerkraut, onions, and seasoning. Runza's can be baked into various shapes, such as a half moon, a rectangle, a round, a square, or a triangle. It's a fast food chain. So, it's...

But it's specific to Nebraska. So, it's like a pierogi, sort of. Sure. But Lincoln, Nebraska has, I believe it was like 18 locations, or 16. What? I have a runza? Runza. Runza.

And it comes from german oh the actual origin is up for debate how does one spell runza r-u-n-z-a oh i definitely didn't write that correctly whoa whoa that is not it looks like a hot dog that got sewed shut and then filled with some really questionable ingredients there it is well um this was actually requested by two separate listeners okay at least through email i didn't check anywhere else uh stephanie and stephanie said i know nebraska isn't super glamorous but it's kind of weird and cool in some aspects like with their love of runza it's like apparently a very big deal i feel like i'm

probably getting we lost our other three listeners in nebraska we lost three from maine three from nebraska i'm so sorry well atira who actually has written to us in the past she's the one who provided the petco reviews oh those were great yeah those were great she wrote in what's her name atira atira yeah yeah um and she said quote quote, like Cincinnati's Skyline Chili, Nebraskans have Runza, but we might be crazier about it. So, it's a thing. I guess so. It's a thing.

And apparently, I just have a quick fun fact from Wikipedia. The chain attempted to expand outside of Nebraska in 1989. Executives tried to open a restaurant in the latvian republic of the soviet union going as far as shipping 200 frozen runzas to the soviet ministry of agriculture as a part of its negotiations the deal fell apart after latvia was invaded by the soviet government in an attempt to keep it in the Union. Yep. And then the next is about how they had one on the Las Vegas Strip, and then one in Moline, Illinois, but both closed. Oh, wow. They went from the Soviet Union to the Vegas Strip to Illinois to closing all of those.

Now we're just back in Nebraska. Yes. What a storied past they have. Absolutely. So, yeah, that's our theme. It's a little different than our other ones, but there are a lot of reviews I found. I know, I'm into it.

I just searched challenge in our inbox and the first thing I see is F word overuse. I challenge you, or my challenge for you is to do at least one non-explicit episode because of your overuse of the F word. Okay, let's start now. So, we already failed.

I'm sorry, Donna. We failed. I'm very sorry. I know that there are some people who let three-year-olds listen, but they don't get it anyway. I mean, if they do, they're very smart. It's marked explicit anyway, so whatever. It is marked explicit. I'm very sorry no apparently we bleeped out the c word but that was more because it was funnier that way it was pretty funny that way huh i'm very sorry uh donna i'm

not trying to hate i'm just um i just think it was kind of funny that we literally just met the whole episode talking about f this f that and then i accidentally opened that email it seems like we'll never stray from that and that's okay because literally we're just talking how we talk if we had tried if we really really tried to like not swear it would be so i was gonna say awkward it's already pretty awkward but it just wouldn't be it would just be strange and it would probably ruin it for everyone yep except maybe some toddlers, but that's okay. Okay, so I do have a challenge for you. This was sent in by Melanie.

The challenge is to find a review of a limousine company that canceled at the last minute right before someone's wedding or prom. Oh, no. And I like the idea of this challenge because I want to know what they did instead. I want to know if Uncle Bob had to drive me to the sad and probably justified but well sure but i want to see like i'm sure there'll be some more details yeah does that work yeah okay i think it could be let's do it we'll see thank you melody that was a good one um okay great guys well we'll see you next week with um some more f-bombs i'm sorry in advance bye