Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE

Episode Date: September 25, 2019

Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have personal experience because we don't even know where Nebraska is. Thankfully, the good people of Nebraska tell us filthy animals what to really expect. Hop on Alex's wedding gator boat, or on Christine's log-like hide, and we'll take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to join our monthly patron only live stream!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, tyops, and Felix Mendelssohn. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at a and w's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now d-in only until 11 a.m. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to episode 44 of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. The podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion.

My name is Alex. And I'm Christine. What's our theme for this week? Apparently, NPR voices. Oh, yeah. Our theme this week was Runzas in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I don't know what that is. I do now.

Oh, I was going to say, did you not find any? I did. I do. I'm still confused. Yeah. But I feel like we did a Skyline episode recently, and I'm sure people remained confused after that. And it's one of those things where I feel like if you would ask anyone from Nebraska what we should do, I think a majority would say that. It seems to be a very popular regional thing that they care about very deeply. I'm very amazed I've never heard of it though. Because I feel like I've even heard of like steamed cheeseburgers in Connecticut. That's a thing. Well, you married

someone from Connecticut. I have no idea what the hell you just said. Oh, yeah. Okay. Fair point. Nevermind. Anyway. Yeah, this one was easy. Yeah, there were a lot. I like finished in record time. I think this is the fastest I've ever finished my notes for an episode. It's one of those where I had so many that I had to just really whittle them down. Otherwise it would have taken way too long.

But for those who don't know about Runza. Oh, yeah. It's a... For those who don't listen to the end of the episodes, maybe you will never find out and we won't tell you. And you'll be just as confused as we were. So a Runza is a regional cuisine from Nebraska that supposedly originates in Germany or something. What? It has German origins. Okay.

And it's a yeast dough bread pocket with a filling consisting of beef, cabbage, or sauerkraut, onions, and seasonings. And what did you describe it as? A pierogi. Okay, but you called it like a hot dog. I said it looked like a hot dog bun sewed shut and filled with questionable ingredients. Yep, that's kind of what it looks like. And I stand by my statement, and after reading many reviews, good and bad, I haven't changed my mind. Okay, well, let's get into it then.

I've got one from Jason. Oh, thank God. Jason. Finally. You've been waiting for Jason's opinion. It's about time Jason makes his opinion heard. Specifically about Runza's. Just any opinion, really.

I could listen to Jason talk all day. Well, then let's let them listen too here's his one star review their ice cream is mostly water and the burger is one of the worst i've had in years to top things off the runza is just plain weird and overpriced. Runza way from this place. End of review. Jason did not disappoint. Just like I knew he wouldn't. You brought it up.

You're like, can't wait to hear what Jason says. I'm like, this is your kind of review here. How does she know that she should be excited for this? There were a lot of amateur pun artists, if you will. I'm sure there's a pun in there i could have made but i didn't um that's that's what we're not even at amateur level no we're not clearly um but there were a lot of like because it gives you the runs uh and i was like okay i'm not even gonna read my next one oh no i'm so sorry literally that was the only funny part of my next review. Sorry. You know what, I'll just throw it out there.

Let me read it right now. From Jill. I don't understand the hype and the obsession. I personally think all of their food is disgusting and will give you the runzas. End of review. There were a lot of those, and then people also writing five stars like,

yeah, yeah, we get it. Okay, the joke's not funny anymore. And it's like, whoa, whoa. Oh, I didn't see that. That's hilarious. Yeah, there were a lot of argumentative pun enthusiasts. Then I'm glad we got those out of the way. Unless you have only those.

I don't think, I might have a pun or two, but for right now, I just have an angry, angry man named Matt. for right now i just have an angry angry man named matt matt gave by the way you didn't like specify which runs a place right yeah just no it was just lincoln nebraska there were a lot yeah i just randomly picked them okay so matt gave uh a runza location one star i'm only giving this one star because i have to. This filthy animals gives shame to the Runza name. To start with, I ordered three bottles of water and she only gave me two. Even after repeating my order. I also order three chicken breasts on my salad and I know damn well what a chicken breast looks like. And this was almost one full chicken breast and it was burnt and dry.

I damn well know what a chicken breast looks like and this was almost one full chicken breast and it was burnt and dry i do damn well know what a chicken breast looks like my son ordered a runza meal his runza was flat soggy and burnt he spelled soggy s-a-w-g-y geez soggy maybe that's like another regional thing his runza was flat and soggy and burnt and tastes like a wet paper towel i'd like to know yeah how he knows that maybe we should just pause this and go downstairs see and be like this is what runs this tastes like oh finally we don't even have to go to nebraska his fries also burnt. Do not go to this Runza. It has to be the most consistently awful Runza in town. End of review. Oh my gosh, Matt. Matt. These filthy animals everywhere ruining the Runza name.

That's like, that's rude. That's very, very rude. I just like that he calls these people filthy animals that ruin the good name of the Runza and then say, I ordered three bottles of water and she gave me two. Starting off strong. Oh my God. Is Matt of the Runza family? Oh my God. Potentially.

Not clearly. He's probably of the Soggy family family which is why he's very persistent trying to trademark that and like get that into the public conscience i think maybe he's trying to undermine the good runza name himself oh because he's from like soggy subs down the street he's also a filthy animal so it really all comes together gross uh tuna next week when we reviewed i really thought you said tuna next week okay no okay did not everyone make it pretty soggy soggy your turn here's a quick one Two-star review from Dominic. I would say Aaron is the worst customer. End of review.

What? Mm-hmm. Aaron? Yeah. I'm hoping that you have an Aaron in your reviews. That would be epic, though. Because I didn't find an Aaron in the reviews. I didn't know to look, but I don't have an Aaron.

Do you think that's an employee? Why would they review their own? This makes no sense. I don't think this person would you think that's an employee why would they review their own this makes no sense i don't think this person would be reviewing their own restaurant two stars you'd think well i mean i feel like people who work at places you know that they're not necessarily emotionally attached to probably wouldn't mind giving their workplace two stars that's not how runs those operate i guess not runs's proud family with proud workers. Well, not according to Angie. Angie gave a Runza location one star.

I have zero tolerance for poor public relations. Turning off strong. Vote Angie. 2020. No. She's my direct competitor i just went through the drive-through which she said i went through the drive through threw so wow oh really mixing things up use the right word the first time yes and then the wrong word for the actual drive for the same word two words later. Well, maybe that's what they call it. You know what?

Just adding W's to all the words? Is this your master plan? Listen, listen, listen. Listen, this makes sense. No, it doesn't. This is a common fast food complaint. That when the driver pulls up, that the employee throws the food into the car. So actually Angie's a master punter.

I see. Oh, so she's no longer even an apprentice. She's full level, full level, the master master, because she doesn't like how they throw the food into her car window. I think you're onto something.

Okay. Let me finish the review. I just went through the drive-thru and the young attendant was very impersonal, messed up my order, and dripped ice cream all over my car. Making a mistake on an order or accidentally dripping ice cream on my car

are understandable circumstances. What is unacceptable is the lack of apology and the teenage attitude I experienced. Parentheses, slamming the window shut and lack of acknowledging anything she was doing. I am a frequent customer of the store, but this is the second time I have experienced this situation and I am now going to move on. Please, before you put an employee in front of your customers, teach them some people skills. I did confront your employee because I am tired of this teenage entitlement.

She shouldn't get to keep getting paid for such a bad attitude. End of review. Oh my God. I love when these quote, non-entitled reviewers, quote unquote, believe that these teenagers who have to work at a fast food place

on their off hours when they're already doing other things probably like school and trying to make a living here they're the entitled ones like what oh it's just infuriating it's just infuriating and if you frequent a place and there are two things like this i mean dripping ice cream on the car oh come on i'm sure it gets hot in nebraska you're handing over an ice cream cone it's probably hot inside those runs his kitchen runs the kitchen it probably drips on angie's escalade and she has a meltdown get it that was an amateur pun good job listen

i'm trying to get to angie status you're getting there uh no i don't like that i don't like i don't like it either they keep us going i guess yeah. Yeah, I guess they're the content upon which we rely. Or would you call them content creators? In a way, yes. Should they monetize? On their weird little social media called Yelp. I wonder if Yelp monetizes. Oh my God.

Well, in some ways, I that they, well, they monetize in reverse where they take money so that they remove unfavorable reviews. I thought they don't do that or they do do that. Oh, they do. Oh, wow. Okay. Allegedly. Allegedly. I don't want to you use Yelp reviews when they have this practice of doing this to businesses and making them pay money to remove certain reviews. And I was like, well, they're funny. Yeah, and also we're not saying Yelp is a golden beacon of morality.

Yelp is a golden beacon of morality. We're just saying it's a platform upon which sometimes less than stable people unleash their fury. Yes. But if they sent some of that money our way, we'll say whatever they want. What? Who? Yelp? Yeah. Okay, sure. What if we didn't? Yeah, you mean like an ad for Yelp? Yeah. Okay, sure.

What if we didn't? Yeah, you mean like an ad for Yelp? Is that what you're saying? Man, I would praise Yelp so hard if they gave me some of that. What if we did a theme like Yelp reviews on Yelp? And then it was like, Yelp reviews. Yelp is the best platform. That's probably like would be in the Yelp forums.

I would give it six stars if I could. My DS and I read reviews from Yelp. Eek! Sorry. Okay. So bad. Okay. Rodney gave Runza one star. After dinner,

I ordered one of your 5.4 ounce ice cream cones for 99 cents. You should be in... She was reading and then she looked up at my face, which was not doing anything differently, and she just burst out laughing. Because the thing I was about to yell into your face is so absurd. After dinner, I ordered one of your 5.4 ounce ice cream cones for 99 cents. You should be in jail.

Sorry. ice cream cones for 99 cents. You should be in jail. You should be in jail for manipulating the public and serving that rabbit droppings of an ice cream cone. Ew, what? What specialty flavor is this? Yes, I realize it was only 99 cents, but you should be ashamed. End of review. Oh my God. You should go. I just of review. Oh my god.

You should go. I just, it escalated so quickly. I bought one of your ice cream cones for 90 cents. You should go to jail. It's like, wait. How about entitlement? Jesus. Yeah, yeah.

Rabbit droppings of an ice cream cone. That, see, that, though, is quite poetic. It is poetic. It's no Angie, but then again, that's a rare breed. Impossible. My next review is two stars from David. I had to go up and tell the counter person I burnt my throat, gums, and tongue on the chili. I politely told them to check its temperature and maybe turn it down a bit.

I waited till no other customers were standing there, even though the one guy that I waited to leave had the same thing the clerk just turned. Oh my god, there's no punctuation in this. I read this like five times going in. I'm like, okay, I'm ready. I got this. I got this. No, there's literally no single period in this whole thing. Let me try this again.

I waited till no other customers were standing there, even though the one guy that I waited to leave had the same thing. The clerk just turned her back to me and checked it, and never even looked back at me or told me thanks. Thanks? Yeah, for informing them was such an important thing. I was a little surprised no one comment good or bad i wear false teeth so i can take quite a bit of hot or cold without whining so i can imagine how hard it is for someone who has real teeth just saying and a review oh god you burnt your throat that seems very dangerous and somehow this person's still using talk to text clearly obviously without the punctuation that's a good point couldn't have been that bad

um i'm sorry let's say that that's not okay allegedly allegedly um i mean i feel like you did what your part if you're not gonna sue them you're not gonna sue them allegedly did his part because we'd never got confirmation that it was actually that hot or needed to be turned down yeah but he like said his part like and it's like and then moved i mean that's all he wanted his civic duty it's his quote-unquote civic duty and then like i don't know what more he wants like i mean i guess he wants a parade or something he said he was just surprised no comment good or bad he wanted a comment good or bad i'm also very surprised i love how it's like if maybe hypothetically if you had gotten a bad comment

back he would have given more than two stars no sure yeah they turn around and said like screw you in fact it's very cold chilly it's so cold yeah and then like the worker reaches in just grab the handful and it's like look what I can do. Does this look hot to you? Your sensitive gums can fuck right off. You and your false teeth? Yeah. Allegedly. Okay.

Thank you for that. Oh, you're so welcome. That's all he wanted to hear. That's all he wanted. Comment good or bad. Comment good or bad. Jenny. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Don't get me started i mean i'll try start me up

i get a kick out of how much nebraskans rave about runza i thought it was okay i'm a light eater so oh it gets worse oh no i'm a light eater so it's not something i would typically order it's basically a giant long roll filled with lots and lots of ground meat i ordered their new jalapeno cheese runza and it was huge i can't even imagine who could eat the whole thing what this is my least favorite person. Get ready. Overall, a very heavy meal. Really not a good place to go to maintain a girlish figure. Anyway, Nebraska should get In-N-Out out here. End of review. Oh my god.

Oh, there's so many problems with that whole situation. Is this a Californian or something? It really sounds like it. A couple of people in these Yelp reviews mentioned In-N-Out, and I don't know. It must, maybe there's crossover. I don't know. But, um, or maybe that's how they compare it. I don't know.

Right now, a jalapeno cheese runza sounds a lot better than an In-N-Out burger to me. I mean, I think that's very controversial and I'm not going to stand by either statement. But I will say, I don't really understand maintaining your girlish figure and then wanting In-N-Out instead. Because, I mean, In-N-Out is literally, I mean, it's delicious, but it's greasy cheeseburgers covered in mayonnaise sauce.

I mean, I don't, there's, sure, they have like a paleo version, but it's just like the same thing, but with lettuce. Lettuce, yeah. I mean, I don't, there's sure they have like a paleo version, but it's just like the same thing, but with lettuce. I mean, I don't know. All I know is I really want to try Runza. I hear they do have vegetarian options. So I'd love to see what that means. I mean, it's, I honest to God just sounds like a pierogi to me. Like before I look at it, when you look at it, it looks like nothing of this universe that i've ever seen before but it sounds like a pierogi which i love so yeah next road trip i'm on i'm just

for it doesn't matter where i'm going let's just reroute i could be going up to washington i'm just gonna go over to nebraska alley and blaze we'll just go on a road trip and completely reroute we'll be like you guys you guys take a nap um When you wake up, we'll be in Northern California. Oh, yeah. We're on our way to the beautiful mountains of Northern California. They wake up. Oh, why are we in a Renza drive-thru? There are no in and outs anywhere to be seen.

Also, where's Nebraska? Also, where's Nebraska? People write in. Let us know. I know it's in the middle. It's in the middle. It's in the north. And it's kind of like a rectangle with a the middle it's in the north and it's

kind of like a rectangle with a little thing on it right wow is that true yeah i'm not good at geography no your shape shapes are just incredible i'm not good at geometry either it's it's almost it's not a rectangle like it's not flat on the right side but on the left there's like a little a little bebop a panhandle but like i don't know if that's what this would be called a bebop yes okay yeah glad we're on the same page as usual it's pretty it's pretty middle though okay below south dakota and north of kansas okay great ready for scott's review i've been waiting my whole life for this one you sure were first jason now scott you're really uh getting me good here yeah thank you scott has

this to say two stars free ice cream cone is great until it embarrasses my lactose-free child did the ice cream cone like make fun of your child i don't want to i know like hit him with a dodgeball what those rabbit droppings just oh god just give him a cookie please need better customer service even though food is great end of review what does that mean um oh so the child got a free ice cream cone and was so embarrassed there was some sort of like reading thing they do i saw a lot of reviews about those where they go in and you can like get that's so if you read ice cream cone for your kid that's cute yeah i feel like graders used to do that yeah i think they did um but unfortunately for scott's child who is lactose free they can't get like or scott's child or scott jr get a cookie instead

how embarrassing for that child i like how he's like my child it's so embarrassing for my child he's so ashamed he should be ashamed i i have a i have a feeling that scott was the one embarrassing the child not the actual runza employees or the ice cream cone i don't think that cone was doing much to embarrass that kid i mean unless he got the runzas after that i came up with that all by myself take a lactate take a lactate my friends that's my that's my go-to that is your go-to now that i well i discovered it way too late i've been having problems with lactose my whole life and then because mom was like this past summer we'll I've been having problems with lactose my whole life. Because mom was like, no, we'll just teach you not to have lactose.

And then I went to dinner and Liz was like, need a lactate? And I'm like, what's that for? And then I was like, oh, let me try it. It's life changing. You also have IBS, IBD. It took us so we were literally in our 20s across the country to learn about Tums. So, I mean, I think maybe there was a lack of them over-the-counter medication. We were sheltered as children, which could be a good thing. Which I guess is an okay thing, unless you have some pretty severe lactose issues.

Look at us. We have a podcast. Look how well we're doing. We're doing great. Mom and dad did great. So did stepmom and stepdad and all the others oh we did their best let's say that they did their best and they love us whether or not we appreciated it that's another story but here we are appreciating the fact that we never had tums as children but look how exciting they are for us now though like now it's that's a good point now

tums are so special to me it's like you know when they tell you to like save your flower but like what like you know i'm watching jane the virgin right now i'm sorry but like you know when they tell you like oh it's so special you can't give it away that's like yeah or like a china like a piece of fine china like a plate i'm not gonna tell you where i heard this from because i don't know if that person would be embarrassed but that's a thing where like you have a plate and like if you lose your virginity it's like a crack in the plate yeah it's like cracked god yeah yeah yeah we did the thing we went to catholic school we did the thing where we all like this was the most disgusting thing spit in the cup oh my god and then like passed it around spit in it spit in it and then at the end they're like would you

want to drink this we're like well no and they're like well you don't have sex kids like what a stupid question they're like don't don't drink it until you're married and then you can drink it. Isn't that fun? Eighth grade was wild. Listen, it was a trip. No wonder we have stomach issues. Okay. Jenny.

Nope. We fucking left Jenny and her girlish figure. Left her girlish figure behind. Okay. Liam gave gave runs us three stars food was great as always the kitchen staff were very loud and obnoxious commenting about my order and making loud comments and referencing memes while they were cooking and god these people are so that is what else are they gonna do like commenting on my order i'm like yeah because they have to make it what do you mean i don't understand that they're making me

talking about referencing memes see now that's the work of the devil. That's a good point. Yeah, true. Talk about embarrassing Scott Jr. Embarrassing Scott. What memes do you think they were referencing? Oh, man, where do I even begin? Okay, just somewhat related side note. I am on a couple subreddits, like the Starbucks subreddit, the McDonald's subreddit. But they're kind of for employees. Oh, you snuck in there.

I snuck right in there. They're very exclusive. Yeah. I'm sure. But I just love seeing their posts because it's like from their perspective and they share all of these memes about working in these industries and like the Starbucks ones are so freaking funny. Look at you, a man of the people.

It's like when someone orders at 6 a.m orders like the um super specific type of frappuccino mocha frappuccino like a massive frappuccino and they order one like on their way to work at six in the morning and then it's like some sort of like meme there's no way to keep your girlish figure no um i wonder if he's referencing the meme of kermit dancing the cooks you know yeah that's see that's the only one you know that's the only one I could think of off the top of my head that's better than me I can't think of any right now it's kind of weird because I can picture them but I can't think about what you would talk about as a meme which is probably why we shouldn't be on our free radio show

talking about memes and we've been doing that recently a lot we haven't we had this whole conversation about how these don't translate well yeah what was the other one i don't even know i don't know okay i was probably stupid all right well that's that liam was embarrassed about the memes so your turn he should be i'm embarrassed about the memes quite frankly personally um i'll have one more here great two star from jeff well they don't have these in kansas city kind of hope they keep it that way and whoa whoa actually that's how many stars two that's kind of a good one yeah i think that was the bat one of the best negative reviews i've ever read. Yes, that's a sneaky low blow, but like a little bit clever there.

Although it didn't really have much substance to it. There's no reason why no positive criticism, no lengthy essay about the practices of the kitchen. Yeah, unfortunately for us, there's none of that. But probably fortunately for the rest of for us, there's none of that. But probably fortunately for the rest of the world, there's none of that. To make up for it, I have a review by Desiree. One star. I have held my tongue long enough

trying to be a good Nebraskan, but I can't no more. Runza is awful. I do not know how they figured out how to make something taste like a burp that's so funny what i know i think we saved like the most hilarious people for last like genuinely funny i do not know how they figured out how to make something taste like a burp but that's what a runza is a burp and a bun plain and simple horrific oh well guess i'll have to move to kansas end of review wow a couple of kansans desiree and jeff are uh in cahoots Me thinks Traveling Kansans Or just like not traveling Kansans

Just sitting in Kansas Yelp reviewing Nebraska That's a good point Just throwing their shade over the border Speaking of which Maybe Nebraska and Kansas are rivals in, like, football. Well, I would imagine so, right? Football's pretty big over there. I don't know if you've heard of it.

I don't. What is happening? Nothing's happening. Oh, I thought you were Googling something. Well, yeah, I'm doing that. I want to Google who their biggest rival is, because maybe... Well, I'm sure they're rivals. You don't know.

Their rivalries are Colorado, iowa kansas kansas state miami florida so there's two kansas's kanzai yeah um well we're i'm i'm team nebraska that we call we love a good corn huskin okay only nebraskans are gonna listen to this episode we gotta really talk it up here. Everyone's going to be like, what the fuck is a Runza? I'm not interested in this. We just called the two Kansas people the most clever people that we've ever heard from. So I don't think they're very thrilled with us right now.

I do have a redemption though. I did mark it as a redemption. Then I realized literally just now that it has one star. What? How did you manage that? That's impressive. Do you know me? Okay.

I'm going to read this to you. It's by Carmen. It's a one star redemption. Listen, it has, it holds promise. I'm ready for it. It holds promise. Today I tried the Runza chicken strips. They were very good, but a little dry for me.

Maybe it's something to try if you like to drink lots of liquids with your meals what oh because it's so dry you gotta i just thought that was like oh her chicken was dry and i was gonna say and she didn't leave a shitty review then i realized she absolutely did so how would you read that and be like wow that redeems runs like quite a bit well because she said oh they were good but a little dry maybe it's something you would enjoy like it just was like a much more honestly that is probably a positive thing i mean that's a good thing to do for your body drink plenty of fluids plenty of water plenty of liquid i'm pretending that they meant just water liquid liquid soggy subs soggy subs it's like when they do the um carmen soggy oh my god miss soggy get

out of here with that i bet the soggy subs is based in kansas that's where that's what it is like you said down the road okay well down the, down the road across the border. I bet Miss Soggy here was taking her runza, dipping it in a big thing of water. Gross. Like a competitive eater. Like that guy, Joey Chestnut. Wow. I know. Look at my references. Yeah.

I know about sports, despite what you may have heard five minutes ago. The only sport that she knows about is competitive eating and i am proud to keep my girlish figure with that knowledge okay um yeah ew that's so creepy your girlish figure can we do one quick thing here please for our nebraskan listeners i'm gonna say Husker and you're going to say power. No, absolutely not. And don't laugh because it's serious. I have a campaign to run.

I'm not about to put myself in this. You need the Nebraskan vote. You need it. You're right. Forget Kansas. You ready? And Maine. Husker.

What is it again? Power. Husker. Power. Husker. Power. Husker. What is it again? Power. Husker. Power. Husker. Power. Husker. Power. Okay, great. That's really great because that's right before the tunnel walk. What? Right before the tunnel walk, which is a really big thing in Nebraska football. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the stadium chance, Husker, the other power. I wonder how they decide which half does which. That's actually very scary sounding. Yeah, to the that's the point i feel threatened by this that's why

they're one of the best teams ever i love them so much do you think when we yelled it just now we were very intimidating i think we were i you know what i actually have a contact at university of nebraska oh do you and they said that if we did that, they're going to play that clip on the loudspeakers in the stadium and tell the audience to be quiet. Hey, everybody be quiet. Be quiet. We want to play our podcast. Two of the biggest fans. I'm listening to a podcast right now.

All right. Well, I'm done. I put my computer away and I'm ready for your challenge. Okay. So my challenge was to find reviews of limousine companies that canceled at the last minute before someone's wedding or prom. Yes, I'm excited. How did it go? It wasn't too bad, honestly.

Oh, that's good. It was pretty good. But a lot of them were like, yep, that sucks. Sure. That really sucks. I think I have at least one of those where it's just like, oof. Womp womp. Womp womp.

This is a one-star review by John of Allen Limousine in Allen, Texas. Don't rent from these people. They are rude and will cancel your reservation at the last minute to make a bigger buck. For his wedding, my son wanted a white stretch limousine to take him and his new bride to their hotel on their wedding night. So, two and a half weeks in advance, I called and talked with Olga, who was very helpful. She informed me that the company's only white limo is a 10-passenger super stretch. I agreed to pay an upcharge to reserve that car,

and she immediately confirmed to me in writing that the car was reserved for the wedding oh yeah the day before the wedding i received a call from terry informing me that the white limo would not be available after all because the company had booked it for someone else for prom night. How good is that? Oh no. How good is that? Oh no. That's like the ultimate show. Some teen, actually some teens needed it. These teens had more money than you, so.

Oh no. Your son is screwed. These teens were wearing a lot of sequin and they just really glamorized us. We couldn't help ourselves. I'm sure that reservation probably meant a few hundred dollars more revenue for the company. The fact that we had been assured of our reservation in writing more than two weeks before

constituted a binding contract. Or so I thought. I demanded to speak with the owner. Olga! And owner Raphael came online. Oh. He very curtly informed me that the car had been rented to another party for prom night and all he could provide was a black town car. I asked him to reconsider his decision in light of

the possibility that an entire wedding party might like to leave their opinions of his business on Yelp. Oh. At which time he unilaterally cancelled the contract despite my protests. He was rude, uncaring about the fact that this was obviously a very special day for our son and his bride, and that his actions put a real damper on the occasion. Contractual obligations mean absolutely nothing to Raphael and his company. Beware. End of review. Oh my.

Listen, a black town car is way cooler than a white stretch. That probably still has glitter in it from last week's prom true true just just that's only my opinion yeah i love how it's like once i threatened him with yelp reviews he canceled it completely yeah i definitely don't want to work with you i didn't want to before but now i definitely don't. And I have a feeling this negative Yelp review would have happened either way. And you know what? What? Now that he got that extra teen money, he could probably pay Yelp to just remove

all the bridal party reviews. True. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. My next one is written by Shu of American Limousine in Los Angeles. Great.

One star. I also wish I could give them less than one star. They canceled our party bus two days before my child's prom. They stated that the, quote, transmission went out. I would like to see proof that this is true. It is more likely that either they were offered more money or that they don't even have the vehicle and thought they could farm it out and take commission. Do not trust

this company. End of review. But they don't have the vehicle? Yes. They're just like running around being like, hey, we have a party bus, want to use it? Yeah. Oh, sorry, it died. Yeah, and your money is still ours. I don't know. I don't know oh they didn't complain

about it so i kind of doubt it yeah i'm just saying i feel like they would get their money back if that were the case you would think i think a lot of them were like still a lot of the reviews i read were like they took my money they canceled and where's my money yeah i mean that really blows and also even the one with the wedding like that's it's trash i mean as someone who not good business practice if you ask me as a i have a business beach juice and you want it to wet as someone who okay as someone who you know married a man from the state known for steamed cheeseburgers if the day before a wedding something somebody had called and been like actually some teens wanted it i think i would have just lost my absolutely gd mind you know what

i've been i would have uh been right there on yelp next to you writing a one-star review yep the whole bridal party whole party everybody stop the wedding's on hold get out your yelp app could you imagine if that was part of it where it's like everyone likes sitting there create an account and like okay now we need to take a break and give a one-star review before we continue with the ceremony but they all have to be different because we don't want yelp to automatically delete them i did see that where it was an entire it was like for some soccer team or something oh yeah and it was like five different oh what why are you looking at this was like of a limousine company i thought you meant that one time when it was like five different oh what why are you looking at this was like of a limousine

company you meant that one time when it was like a bookstore or something in like four different maybe that was on my end but like four different people from the same school function like kept writing and like oh well one time and it was like the high school students whose teacher made them write the reviews and there's like one word different every time the same thing happened and here it was like five it was like the only one-star reviews that this place had gotten were all from the same group of people it was the exact same date that they posted them an exact same story it's just hard i mean it's just hard to yeah be a public facing entity i think in any any circumstance, whether you're renting out limos or reading things

on a free radio show. Okay, I've got one by Shelby of Audubon Limousine in New Orleans. One star. We booked Audubon Limousine for our October wedding in Hattiesburg. We were flying out of New Orleans, so we decided we didn't want to trouble any family friends to drive us from Hattiesburg to New Orleans. However, they canceled on us the morning of the wedding. Thankfully, I had an awesome wedding planner, and I didn't even know they did until after the wedding was over. Although Hurricane Nate was to

hit the Gulf Coast that evening, we had known that he was going to make landfall on our wedding day for about a week, and they waited till the morning of to cancel on us. So not only did they cancel on us, but it took numerous calls and emails from my wedding planner to get our refund back. It took a month and a half for them to credit us back. I would not recommend them since they cancel at the last minute and take forever to give you your money back. My wedding planner even followed up the Monday after to make sure we got our money back, but it still took a ridiculous amount of time to get our refund. End of review.

Because their business was swept up by a hurricane? Yes. I mean, okay, I think that's reasonable, but alright. Yeah, so the morning of the wedding, they had to cancel due to a hurricane yes i mean okay i think that's reasonable but all right yeah so the morning of the wedding they had to cancel due to a hurricane an impending hurricane yes yes um and they had already known in advance that he was going to he do people actually i don't know that weirded me out i know i just said it and it made me uncomfortable it's coming to crash the wedding nate's from landon landon famous wedding crasher so yeah um he said that they knew that so I know. I just said it and it made me uncomfortable. Nate's coming to crash the wedding. Nate's landing.

Famous wedding crasher. So, yeah. He said that they knew that. So, presumably, Nate made landfall on that morning when the company's like, you know what? We actually can't do this. You know what? Actually, we're underwater now. So, it's going to be a little hard. You could probably send one of those gator boats your way.

Ooh, that would be cool. I think so. Okay, plan for my wedding. Yours is lame compared to my future wedding because you're not going to have any gator boats. I had no teens involved, no gator boats. I'm only going to have teens and gator boats at my wedding. Oh my God. Oh shit, do you hear that? It's Allie running for the house. Oh my god. Oh shit, do you hear that? It's Allie running for the house. Oh no. Oh no, I'm sorry. Okay. So I've got one more review and a manager response to the review. Oh, fantastic. This is of Cloud Nine Limousine in San Jose, California.

Great. Written by Lindsay. One star. Let me preface this by saying that I gave Cloud9 Limo multiple opportunities to right the circumstances. However, they were completely unwilling to provide any type of service. At this time, it appears to me that Cloud9 is in the business of charging people's credit cards while not providing any service whatsoever. My experience with Cloud9 began when I booked transportation for my wedding. I booked with a woman named Angelica, who was pleasant and seemed helpful. I signed a contract six weeks before the event. The week before and

week of my event, I sent multiple emails to Angelica for scheduling purposes, only to hear nothing in return. On the Monday before my wedding, I called only to find out that she was no longer with the company. One would think that someone would have reached out to coordinate. On the Tuesday before my wedding, my wedding was on Saturday, we had unforeseen circumstances related to the fires in the Santa Cruz mountains, and our venue had to be emergency evacuated and we ended up having to find another venue last minute oh no completely minor compared

to the people that lost homes during the loma fires when i called to update cloud nine on the situation the owners slash managers were completely insensitive and unwilling to meet us halfway. They ended up keeping my deposit of $375. When I asked if we could downgrade the service to just take the bridal party, they wanted to charge us $400 for a 15-minute ride. In my opinion, Cloud9 is run by completely incompetent, insensitive crooks. The icing on the cake was when one of the owners had the audacity to tell me that our wedding was not canceled due to a natural disaster.

It was canceled because of, quote, the pot farmers starting a fire in the mountain. What the fuck? FYI, cloud nine, the Loma fire burned 4,700 acres, destroyed 28 residences, and over 700 firefighters, both volunteer and paid, fighting the fires. Jeez. Call it what you want, but it sounds to me like a natural disaster. Yeah. Go ahead and Google Loma Fire and you will hear our whole story. We were provided with so much support by so many people, including Channel 5 Eyewitness News.

I'm happy to update them on the terrible service Cloud9 provided, as well as the $375 that they received for doing absolutely no work. Do not hire them. End of review. I am dying to hear this response. Right. I know it was a long one, but I was like, this response. I need to know here is a comment from cloud nine limousine regarding this situation we're running the

pot fire hi lindsey we apologize for any inconvenience and frustration you went through during your event we also want to explain to you that Cloud9 has a cancellation policy in place to secure your vehicle or vehicles for your special day. Just like wedding venues, catering companies, DJs and photographers have cancellation policies in place as well. So, did you cancel with all of the companies that were providing your services for your wedding? And yes, the Loma Fire was a horrible, tragic fire and Cloud9 management took everything into consideration when you called to cancel your reservation. Cloud9 management offered you a couple different options, but you declined. Your venue changed, so you just wanted to cancel because you didn't need to transport guests anymore. You could have used the service at the new venue that day, but once again, you declined.

at the new venue that day, but once again, you declined. Cloud9 was responsible for your transportation needs. We offered that over and over to you, but once again, you declined. How is that Cloud9's fault? Either way, we hope you had a fantastic wedding. End of review. But it's true, when you read the original review, she prefaces it by saying that she gave cloud nine limo multiple opportunities to write the

circumstances but they were unwilling to provide any type of service but then later in her own review said that they were going to charge her money the same service to do a service again but it was a shorter ride because they i see so the newer so the newer venues at a closer spot and she's like oh we don't need them anymore. And they're like, well, you booked us. So your deposit is ours. And it's four days away. But we are still willing to provide our service in the contract for the price. For the same price you already agreed to.

Yes. But then Lindsay was like, well, it's only 15 minutes. And it's for a different amount of people. Aye, aye, aye. Change it the week of. Four days before the wedding. Yeah. Listen.

Listen. Listen. Listen, Lindsay. Lindsay. change it the week of four days before the wedding yeah listen listen listen lindsey listen i know weddings are hard i don't my teens and gator boats it's gonna be easiest wedding breeze oh yeah good one swampy breeze that's the name of your wedding band by the way swampy breeze yeah i already booked them they're uh an everglades local band yeah i imagine that exists yeah i would love that i would love that turtle man yeah what's turtle man that's from a tv show he's like a wilderness guy okay from like duck dynasty or something weird it's from a show

featuring turtle man but i don't remember what it's called. The show featuring Turtle Man? Yep. Okay. Well, good. He can be there too. Swamp. Swamp monsters?

I don't know. Turtle Man is officiating my wedding. Turtle Man! On the breezy, swampy gator boat. Swampy breeze. All the teens in attendance. Oh my god, this is going to be the best wedding ever. Oh wait, I'm not invited, right?

No, you're not a teen. Oh shit. Or an alligator. Damn. I'll see what I can do. All right. Well, that was interesting. That was interesting.

Thank you for that. You're so welcome. Um, what's the dealio? The dealio is that we're done. Yay. I mean, boo. Yeah. I do have a theme for you from our newest $30 patron.

Yes. We have this thing where if you pay us a lot of money, you get to pick the theme and city. Of Alexander's wedding. Of my wedding. For a full episode. So we have one. It's up to our discretion at the end of the day but julia's first choice we were like hell yeah this is a great idea what is it i know what

it is but you tell it tanning salons in huntington beach california i'm so excited it's gonna be great i this is one of those yeah i've been waiting for tanning salons thank you julia i'm very excited for this one thank Thank you very much, Julia. And so close to home. So close to home. We'll have to visit a couple of these. Yeah. For your wedding, I really, if I'm going to fit in a floor in the swampy Florida Everglades,

if I'm going to stand on the outskirts in an attempt to get in to your wedding, I'm going to need some. You're going to get your skin so leathery that i'm gonna think that you're an alligator perfect just sit in the swamp get like a straw or something with your leathery alligator skin and you'll enjoy turtle man officiating my wedding i'm just gonna float gator boat he's gonna float like a log oh my god someone draw that draw that in some way oh god oh boy this is such a freaking disaster okay um great so that's our theme so that's exciting that i didn't have to pick it

this week yes what's my challenge your challenge was sent in by Alex. Thank you, Alex. Well, no thank you. Yeah. It's pretty good, though. Find a favorable review of someone's former spouse's divorce attorney. Oh, my God. Speaking of weddings, we're going to need these guys, too. You're going to not be able to find one, and you're going to be like, Blaze, I'm divorcing you.

Go get an attorney. Yeah. Then you're going to write a review. I need to write a're gonna write a review of blaze that is such a good divorce attorney wait that's brilliant can you push your wedding up so you can also help me out true true okay propose tonight uh-huh um at cracker barrel someone tagged me on twitter was like is this you and someone there was a tweet about someone seeing someone else uh proposing in a cracker barrel they're like what is this caucasian shit it was like this whole like rant about like who the hell does that alexander does and then yeah was it with a little golf golf team oh my god wouldn't that be good that's a great idea you win the game and it's

like yes and you win a ring okay i hope ally doesn't listen to this restaurant because sorry i hope ally doesn't listen to this episode because that's my idea right there okay um anyway um yeah that's your that's your challenge okay i'm excited a favorable review of their ex-spouse's divorce attorney this is so excellent yes it is excellent oh my okay what what a what a week we have yes coming up we do um and really quick it was Jacqueline who tweeted that at me it made my day when I saw it it was so freaking I was like that is me for a Caucasian like you that is pretty fitting love me some Cracker Barrel awesome awesome well thanks everyone for listening thank you guys can't wait to talk at you next week talk at you yes we will talk at you soon goodbye