Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

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The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. Fresh at Michigan.org. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast.

But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Happy birthday. It's your birthday. Happy, happy birthday to you. Now you go, happy birthday. I don't sing it for myself. That's not how this works. your birthday. Happy, happy birthday to you. Now you go. Happy birthday. I don't sing it for myself. That's not how this works. Happy birthday. Birthday to you.

Thank you. It's Zandy's birthday. Hooray. He is 26, which means he no longer has parental health insurance. Woohoo. It's time to celebrate. I am unhappy about that, but I was proactive. And now I have a new health insurance. Woohoo. It's time to celebrate. I'm, I am unhappy about that, but I was proactive and now I have a new health insurance that hopefully will

kick in tomorrow. Yay. Yeah. We'll see. I should think, I still think you should have gone my route and just married someone for the health insurance. Yeah.

I proposed and Allie said no. Even when she heard about the Gator wedding after all of that? See, I told you, right after that episode, I was like, Allison Page. Christine's just floating by on a log. Yeah, you visited some of the tanning salons from this episode and got all ready. Speaking of which, this week's theme was sent in by our $30 julia thank you julia thank

you julia who um requested her former hometown or her former i think that's what she said yeah domicile of huntington beach california and uh the theme was tanning salons yeah which was hilarious it was a bananas good a very good, very good theme suggestion. It was a good theme. But there was one problem we ran into. I was searching for reviews on Google and I stumbled upon a review of a tanning salon. And it was written by a listener. It was a one star review and it referenced our show.

Yeah, that's not good, guys. No, it's literally the opposite of what we want to do. It was a one-star review, and it referenced our show. Yeah. That's not good, guys. No, it's literally the opposite of what we want to do. I feel like the... Yeah, I mean... It really just upset me, if anything. It's my birthday today. You be careful, guys.

It's his birthday. Yeah, no. Tomorrow you can do whatever you want. It seriously bothered me, though, because the point of this is to show the ridiculousness of one-star reviews and kind of in a humorous way stand up for both small business owners and the people who work at these businesses. People in the service industry. And I think, yeah, the point is we're calling out the people who make it hard on those working in the service industry or companies trying to make a living and stand their ground. And so we don't want to add to the one-star reviews. No.

That kind of defeats the purpose. And this business had seven reviews total. Yeah. I think six of them were five-star. One was four-star. And then someone goes in and leaves a one-star review referencing our podcast. Which is like the opposite of when you buy those World Wildlife Foundation adopt a penguin.

Oh, yeah. Kill a penguin. That's how dramatic this is. That's how seriously I'm taking this. It's his birthday. He can call it whatever he wants. But anyway, so point being, we're not going to call you out by name. But if you're doing that, please reconsider because we don't want to promote leaving shitty reviews for no reason, especially if it's something you've never been to or experienced.

And if anything, we're trying to encourage people to leave more positive reviews because most of the time people only write reviews when they're negative. They say, oh, I had a bad experience. I better write a review. Instead of thinking I had a great experience i'll write a review and we've had lots of people email us and say guys you've made me change the way i write reviews i went back and changed some of my reviews i realized i was being unfair it's made us reconsider things too and like look at things from other people's perspectives and that's kind of the idea yeah and we're just trying to be funny and have fun bring some positivity to the world and if you've ever heard me react to a one-star review um you know you should know we don't really like them no we

don't handle them we don't handle them and this one i did not handle and also we really don't want a tanning salon coming after us like why, why are you leaving us a review? And honestly, in this case, I wouldn't blame them. I know. Exactly. Because it's really shitty. So anyway, point being, you know, not to drag this out too much, but we were saying, you know, if this keeps happening, we're going to end up having to like not reveal the theme in advance, which is something we don't want to do because it's kind of a fun part of the

show for us. So we're just hoping that it. And we'd like to encourage that person to remove that review and to everyone else write more five-star reviews out there i mean really and then put our name on that positive don't do that i'm just kidding put that positivity out there in the world because you never know who needs it yeah yeah we need it well we need it yeah so i'm specifically talking about five-star reviews of our show. Right.

I don't think... Did that get through to you? Okay. It's my birthday. Anyway, it is Annie's birthday. We... Great. I aggressively...

Started off strong this morning. I loved it. I aggressively attacked him with, you know, glitter and stuff and sparkles and balloons that deflated to the floor. And a special video. And a special video. I decided that after the great Christine birthday debacle of 2019, I was going, this was a perfect time to get back at him.

And this all came to me about 16 hours ago when I was in a Walmart and I realized, oh my, they have some pretty great pinatas here. And you know what I'm just you're gonna have to wait for the video to see what I filled it with but you can have your guesses as to what the hell I poured into that pinata which is it wasn't beans this time it was not beans she did not follow my lead it was equally um not meant for a pinata correct yep so yeah we're did we did a little birthday thing and um we're now gonna record tanning salons here we go okay my first one is of the tan spa this is from mark three stars the customer service here sucks i have been a member for a little over

a year and i'm about to quit any day now. They are constantly altering their hours to however the person who's currently working feels like. I showed up at 6pm on a Sunday, and their hours are obviously until 7, but their doors were locked, and they motioned for me to go away. There are other times when all the beds are open, to go away. There are other times when all the beds are open, but I have to wait 10 to 15 minutes because the one person who's working is too busy answering a bunch of random questions to someone who is thinking about joining. God forbid. God forbid they do their job for someone else and not for me. There are other times when you have to wait 5-10 minutes to be acknowledged because the one person who is working is doing someone's airbrush.

Another time, the customer service person smugly shortened my session because they wanted to leave at exactly 0 minutes of closing. It was only by like 3 minutes, but I didn't appreciate their irresponsible priorities. There are other times when they ask what tanning bed number you want. Oh, are you in bed three? Would you like to upgrade to bed six? Bed five is available. Which bed do you normally use? You know what? I'm an accountant 40 hours a week. And when I leave the office, I don't remember anyone's arbitrary number system. Does the owner have OCD? Are you going to pay me to memorize your bed numbering system? Even that's overstepping your reach. Anyway, I don't appreciate being turned down at the door today because either your hours are being arbitrarily changed or are posted incorrectly.

The painted hours on the door were scratched off too. Your business is unprofessional. The only reason this review isn't lower than three stars is because the good people you have are exceptional. But we're talking like three of your staff out of 10. End of review. First of all, I thought only one person works there. Second of all, there are so many things to unpack in this that i can't even begin to start start off with a nice long rant where you don't really know what's going on i'm really glad we learned more about their occupation and their work weekly work schedule because here's the thing if you're saying oh i tend to come in

right when they close and then they want to close it's like i work 40 hours and then the second i leave i don't remember anything i do at work so yeah god forbid you working this probably low-paying job want to leave right when you're supposed to when this business closes oh my god it's ridiculous and you're working for listen get over yourself you're working 40 hours a week you can find time that's not sunday at 6 p.m i'm sorry that's just my opinion i mean it's just yeah my favorite parts were when um when he was like oh the one person working there happened to be doing someone's airbrush like oh and answering why are they helping someone else i've been a member for

a year stupid random questions like i love how they have to phrase it that way because if they had just said they were answering another questions they'd realize how much of an asshole they are they were random they were like what is the difference between tanning bed number five and six god how random is that can you believe it it sounds like they have a problem with this person if like they go this guy goes up to the door they probably know he's a member there for a year and they're shooing him away literally said they motioned for me to go away which is like i just picture them going oh god he's back yeah oh god no no say we're close close the blinds like lock the door right there are six o'clock lock the door he's gonna be here till eight hold your random questions for a

moment we gotta close the blinds that was a good one that one was like painful to listen to painful right that's kind of thing i can't imagine being a business owner and reading that and going like what more could i possibly do to please you like there's nothing and they absolutely there's no question that they know this guy like to me like the way he presented it they know i've been a member for over a year like you know he makes himself heard yeah um do you think he's the kind of guy who puts that he's an accountant in every single review because i do i think so too i'm an accountant whenever a number comes up doesn't matter what number i'm an accountant i know the difference between 6 p.m and 7 p.m

oh yeah if only i hope to get there someday. Okay. Alexander just found all the dogs in his bathroom. I hear him out there going, why are all three of you in my bathroom? So they're up to no good. So please give us a moment while we resituate. And I eat some of this ice cream cake. All right. I'm back at it.

I'm back. Back from the bathroom with all the dogs. So this is a review of Rockstar Tan by Shook. I've got one of those. A Rockstar Tan? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Shook says, one star.

I came here on April 29th, two days ago, to try the tanning bed for the first time. The lady in the front desk didn't give any details, so I went inside with my eyes open. Why? I don't know. Because they didn't get any instruction, Alexander. Any details. Oh, no. My friend figured that out and tried to tell me, but I was already inside and couldn't hear her knocking.

It's like a horror movie. I know. It's so bad. The door, like the tanning bed's like closing. They're like, they know that they know their friend. And they're used to just know their friend. They realized. They're used to just leaving their eyes open constantly. God, Shannon never shuts her eyes.

I should have remembered. I felt dust in my eyes the whole day, and it hurt. My lawyer friend told me I can sue them, as this may have serious consequences such as cataracts and cancer, which I'm considering now. End of review. graduates my lawyer friend my friend says i can sue you yeah oh my god almost as good as my mom says or my dad says my mom says that i'm allowed to use yelp even though i'm five okay but i'm not allowed back at the tanning salon because i never close my eyes um i have a review of rockstar tan as well oh good it's a one-star review my friend got locked in the tanning booth with her eyes open i wish they need to change the name because i thought

this was rockstar games end of review what wait what is that like aStop? It's like a, no, it's a game studio. So they do like Grand Theft Auto. Like a actual? Like an actual, like, yes. Okay, studio studio. A major video game company. Like LA style studio. Yeah.

Like they publish different games. Like Grand Theft Auto is their biggest one. Red Dead Redemption. So they drove to a strip mall in Huntington Beach and thought, here I am. I mean, Activision is in like... Where is Activision? Activision is in like Marina Del Rey or something. You mean Activision Tan, right?

Or not Activision. What am I thinking of? Electronic Arts. EA. Sports. It's in the game. See? I don't want to get sued by this guy's lawyer friend, though. Oh, no. Okay. It's in Redwood City. Never mind.

Where the fuck is that? I don't know, Alexander. As if I know anything. Well, they have a location. You know what? They have a location in Marina Del Rey. Okay. So happy for them.

The point is, this guy does not have a valid review or reason to write a one-star review okay well i'm uh it's my birthday i'm really glad you finally found someone who doesn't have a reason to write a one-star review i feel like we've really uh reached our the pinnacle of our show okay i have a review of. Tanning, which I can only imagine stands for Huntington Beach. Whoa. Whoa. Mind blown. I know.

Listen, we're on top of our game. I was going to say it's so early in the morning, then I realized it's 1130, but we're not exactly morning people. Nope. Okay. Adam gave H.B. Tanning a three-star review. Super convenient location, very friendly and outgoing staff, was welcomed immediately and they worked quickly to get the sunless tanning booth prepared for me. The room was clean and I had all of the supplies available if needed.

Towel, hair mask, lotion, etc. Three stars for that. Now, I've done spray tanning about a dozen times or so, but this spraying was so strong, I held my breath to avoid breathing in the stuff, making my escape. These are the most dramatic reviews of all time. Someone was knocking at the door.

I'm suddenly realizing, like, this is... Eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shut. A tanning story. I could barely... Making my escape, I could barely open the doorknob because my hands were so slippery. Oh, this is an image.

You know what I'm thinking is these people all think that this is a... What was the name of the... Rockstar Games. And they're just trying to write their next screenplay for the next great horror video game. Grand Theft Auto. I'm in. Grand. Grand Theft Tanning.

It's not clever, but we're not going to come up with anything better. So let's move on. Grand Tan. Grand Tan. Horror. Nope. I'll work on it. Oh, Orange Dead Redemption.

Oh, there it is. There it is. That's the one. Dead Redemption. Oh, there it is. There it is. That's the one. Making my escape, I could barely open the doorknob since my hands were so slippery from the anti-tanning lotion.

Feeling lightheaded, I fell straight to the floor and I kicked the door open with my feet. What? I would love to see the video footage of this because there's no way it happened as dramatically as as it is described to us color looks great but it's safe to assume I'll probably avoid the sunless tanning booth for a while end of review that's not this sounds like a you problem not a them problem the tan looks great except for those splotches where I smack my body into the tile floor. I'm floundering around. Can't get up. It's too slippery.

All that anti-tanning lotion. Okay. That's so bad. Making my escape. I love that they're just trying to get out of the booth. That's so ridiculous. I had to get away from Google after those. You had to make your escape.

I made my escape with my slippery hands sliding across the keyboard sliding across the dirty dirty floor and i kicked kicked open the door with your feet and there was groupon.com oh oh shit i didn't even think of that alexander yeah there are some deals. That's so smart. I feel like yoga, tanning, and, like, manicures. Oh, Allie and I got the best freaking yoga deal. Well, I bought it, too, but... Allie, Christina, and I got the best freaking yoga deal. I just never get to go.

We've been twice. Yeah. We'd like to go more often. You seemingly accidentally schedule it every time Em and I are recording. Whoops. They only do the beginner's yoga on specific days. Oh, beginner's yoga. That explains it.

Oh, I'm sorry. You need your level three vinaigrette. I need the vinaigrette. It's where you lay on the floor and kick the door open with your feet. Guys, I ate ice cream cake for breakfast, so I'm in quite a mood. There is a bottle of champagne, but we haven't opened it yet. No, thank God. Believe me, things would be a lot more questionable.

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So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisech sunrise challenge.ca that's sunrise challenge.ca okay i have um a review of the three mystic tans or one month unlimited bronze level tanning at oc beach tan great 15 bucks ocd tan 72 off that's crazy that's what that person said. I know. I don't think you were just saying that. Four and six? What do you have, OCD? I'm an accountant.

That's insane. I know. What a dick. It's literally six. He has described that there are six beds. It's not that many to keep track of. I'm going to be honest. I got a spray tan relatively recently for your wedding, you know. And I went in and they were like, how many hours do you usually do?

For an express tan or whatever, it's like between one and four hours. And each half hour determines how much darker you get. And I was like, oh, shit, I don't remember. And they had to go like look at my past notes. And I'm like, that's so dumb. I should have remembered that. But I feel like it's really not. Well, according to that guy, Mark or whatever.

No. It's not my responsibility. If you had remembered, you have O whatever. Nope. It's not my responsibility. If you had remembered, you have OCD. Oh. That's how that works. Oh. If you remember numbers and you're... Wait, he's an accountant.

Like, what? But that's what he's saying. I know. Because he's an accountant during his day job, he forgets that all numbers exist. Do you think I understand how numbers work in my off hours? Probably not even during my on hours. Okay, I'm so sorry. Keep going.

Okay, I have a three-star review by Chrissy. My spray tan was really bad. I had literally thick streaks down my legs and couldn't even wear shorts all week. It was so disappointing. I expressed my lack of knowledge with the treatment and how I needed some directions on what to do once inside the booth, which was very cold inside, and kind of just shot out like a cannon fast, and wasn't expecting it to be so quick. Bright side, lady was nice.

And a review. Shot out like a cannon. It was really cold, and it sounds like the miracle of childbirth. Oh god, ew. Cold in there, then suddenly shot out like a cannon. It was really cold. It sounds like the miracle of childbirth. Oh, God. It's cold in there. Then suddenly shot out like a cannon. Is that why you think childbirth is cold?

Cold and cannon shots. Much like the confetti cannon I bought for your birthday. Oh, yeah. I saw that and I'm like, someone's getting born. It's a birthday. It's a birthday. Makes sense. It's a birthday. Makes sense. It's straight out of the womb. Straight out of the womb like a cannon.

Orange dead redemption. Okay. So I'm going to read another H.B. Tanning review by C. And it is a one-star review. Oh, dear God. I forgot. This reminds me a lot of our accountant friend. Oh.

I called tonight at 740 and asked what kind of beds they have so keep in mind real quick this uh hb tanning closes at 6 p.m okay so whatever this person accountant said i looked i googled their reviews i'm sorry their hours and they're open till 6 okay i called tonight at 7 40 p.m and asked what kind of beds they have and said i have never been there. The girl sounded really nice but said we have four types of beds, then paused, and then said we're actually closed right now. If you can get to a computer, you can look us up at hbtanning.com. I paused and then said no thanks and hung up. What?

First of all, I am a potential customer you should always be willing to give out simple information to someone who is looking to spend money at your establishment instead i was referred to the internet to answer my questions rather than this girl spending two minutes to inform me on the types of those four beds if you are closing and don't want to answer a couple simple questions then i personally think you shouldn't even answer your phone they just lost my interest in becoming a client of theirs end of review what what does this person do for a living are they gonna like work extra for some random asshole who's calling an hour and 40 minutes late after they close also i don't know

about this place but the tanning person that i've seen in cincinnati i've only gotten like five sprays i'm making this sound like i go all the time but i got one before my wedding in cincinnati and it was like her salon so her cell phone number was the main contact so i like i don't know if it's the same i saw a lot of those where they were talking about that specific person whose name is in the the business name they're like like, oh, she's great. It's like their personal number. That's crazy. So what do you mean don't answer the phone?

Leave them alone. They're closed for two hours. Yeah. Anyway. Also, I like that this is the type of random question that this other person hates so much. Like, what are the types of tanning beds? Yeah. What a random question.

Anyway, I like that they're like, the internet? Are you kidding me? All of the information is clearly written on the internet? Where did they get the number from? The yellow pages? I don't know. Oh, right. I don't know.

If they found the number online, which is most likely what happened, why didn't they just click through the website? Well, they went to H&R Block and their accountant was looking real tan and they said, hey, where'd you get that done? Well, since it's my business hours, I'm good with numbers, so here's their number. I suddenly remember. Can we just talk about something quick? A real random aside. It's your birthday, so sure. You know what else it is today? What? International Podcast Day. I completely forgot I was going to add that as part of your little celebration. Yes, it is International Podcast Day, international podcast day guys september 30th my birthday that's so cool

it's like it was meant to be yeah or would you rather not share it uh it people keep tweeting at us like oh happy international podcast day i'm like excuse me don't you know that it's my birth no one i'll make a statement later thank Thank you. I'll release a... Please release a press release. I will release a press release. To the press. Release a press release to the press. Oh, to the press. Yeah.

Okay. Start at the presses. And I'll press tweet on my press release to the press. Okay. I'm struggling now. Yeah, that's... It's a lot of press. Too far.

Presser. So, yeah, we keep getting these tweets, which is great. I love you all, but... Man, you are high maintenance today, I tell you what. But it's my birthday. It is his birthday. It's also International Podcast Day. I do find that kind of funny.

I mean, of all people, the bad boy of podcasting would be born on International Podcast Day. Exactly. It's like the world knew that the podcast messiah... Oh, no. I should stop. I should stop. The podcast messiah. She said it. She said it first she said it first she said it first she said it first podcast messiah new nickname so um whoever meets me in person next who sees me on the street in santa

monica the podcast messiah no absolutely not i'm gonna set up a manger scene underneath my tree now that that would be great now that's blasphemous that's pod racing pod racing podcasting now that's podcasting pod racing star wars reference oh i remember that video game oh that game was so much it was right um what was that called? Just Star Wars Podracer? I'm like pretty sure that's what it was called. Good times. Famously by Rockstar Tan. I mean, games.

That was funny. Thank you. I'm pretty hilarious. Yeah. I have a special picture that I might share, though, for my birthday slash for International Podcast Day. What is it? It's a picture of me in a specific shirt the jacket no oh i took the picture last week okay i don't want to know

it has a certain picture on it oh god of himself listen wait spoilers don't get me started spoilers on my instagram i just got you such a nice jacket my birthday to cover up that shirt specifically and to cover up the coffee i just spilled on myself a minute ago it literally just poured all over me um i got him a jacket that's embroidered with bad boy podcast i wasn't gonna mention that because in the episode because i thought it was gonna be in the video like a nice little review well i'm gonna post that later anyway probably because i want a photo of you wearing it oh i, I'm excited. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Where were we?

Oh, yeah, my birthday. Here's a... It feels like we're never going to leave. A two-star review by Steve of that same Groupon. Great. Not a good deal. The Unlimited Bronze Tan is in a bed that is older than my grandma. Now I have weird tan lines on my back. You can pay to upgrade to a better bed

but that shouldn't be the point of getting a groupon and review that is kind of the point of actually getting a groupon is that you don't you don't get the highest quality service you get the basics try it out and then if you're like oh this company is a company i want to support then you support them but what i i'm gonna say i have been impressed by these groupon people rarely did they like one stars were really rare really yeah and so they give like negative feedback but it would be like three stars that's good i like to think that like if you're buying groupons regularly you like understand the level you know understand what you're paying for and getting. It's like it's a discount for a reason.

Yeah. And also, though, I was surprised. I tried Facebook, too. Facebook reviews? Facebook, I never see a lot of one stars. Yeah. That's always good. Yeah.

Okay. Now, I am going to read your review of Bronzed Sugar, which is where they do like wax, like sugaring, which is like they like wax your body hair. Body scrub kind of thing? Yeah, but it's like to get body hair off. I love me a good body scrub. Great. Good for you. So this is, they do tanning and sugaring.

So I'm going to read this in case you didn't know how this works. This is a one-star review by Ashley. Nice, clean place. Friendly staff. Tried sugaring for the first time. I am just so depressed looking. Depressed looking? Hold on.

Sort of. Sort of. Actually, that's pretty accurate. I am just so depressed looking at myself down there. I am embarrassed to even be intimate with my husband because it looks like a bumpy man's chin. Oh, no. Her feet? Down there?

Down there. God forbid she's intimate with her husband. A bumpy man? That is a new one. At least in my experience, that's a new one. I've never read that. I'm embarrassed to even be intimate with my husband because it looks like a bumpy man's chin

and is rough like feet that have walked on the ground for 20 years, shoeless. End of review. I think this person should be a novelist. What? So it's like calloused and... 20 years of barefoot walking. I don't know. Shoeless, I'm so sorry. Like hobbits. Like hobbits.

Like a hobbit foot. Mm-hmm. Which is, I think, the opposite of the point, if it's all that hairy. A stubbly hobbit foot oh it's like if you poorly shave a hobbit's foot and then try to be intimate with oh no i just like i feel for this person i just like i couldn't handle the um that was that was a trip the beautiful holy crap but yeah no it worked it's like yep i feel bad for that person yeah and they they keep um capitalizing certain words like rough shoeless.

This is like really, anyway, it made me sad for Ashley. Me too. I'm sorry, Ashley. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It's oh, extremely, extremely uncomfortable. Okay. All right. I think you're up.

Okay. Here's a one-star review of a Groupon by Katie. I recently purchased a Myst-star review of a Groupon by Katie. I recently purchased a Mystic Tan set of three. I've gotten spray tans before, but by a technician. I didn't quite know what to expect, and the girl working that night didn't really warn me about what would happen when the spray came on. First of all, the spray was so strong and the smoke, I guess, coming off of the fumes of the spray was disgusting. Uh-oh.

It sprayed me in the face and then had me turn around and as it continued to spray, all of the fumes and exhaust that was coming from it gathered all around me and I literally could not breathe. I feel like it was something very harmful. I opened the chamber door and rushed out trying to hold my breath and get a towel until it all dissipated. Can I just say, the use of the word chamber is questionable. It is a questionable decision.

I mean, listen, why is she complaining at least she got out? This other guy, Andy or whatever, couldn't even make his way out of the chamber because his hands were too slippery and he was on the floor. Kicked open the door to the chamber. No reason to complain. The tan looked pretty even in the low light room. I thought I was pretty good. Although when I got home and the next day my French manicure was now orange.

My toes and feet looked disgusting with orange. I literally took a scrub pad from the kitchen and scrubbed my feet hands. Literally just said scrubbed my feet hands. So I'm like trying to think. Maybe this is a Huntington Beach thing. This hobbit shoe thing. Hobbit shit. Shoeless hobbits.

I wanted the shit off. thing this hobbit shoe hobbit shit she was hobbits i wanted the shit off i'm in the wedding floral industry and had to cancel a meeting at the pelican hill really because of the color i did reach out to oc beach tan and i kindly and nicely told them my experience and how my manicure was messed up and how i couldn't breathe in the chamber. All of these things were reason for me to deserve some type of other credit. I didn't want my money back. I just wanted to use a bed or do some other tanning technique. I told the girl I was not into yelping and reviews and all that. But at this point, the owner never called me.

And I feel like I was just taken advantage of. I'm letting you all know not to go to this place because they are unprofessional and unhelpful and really don't care end of review can i tell you how much this person spent on this experience how much fifteen dollars oh my god fifteen dollars for this group for a groupon they had to specify i didn't want my money back means that they got offered their money back which is like yeah fifteen dollars take the money the $15 and your shitty manicure and go home. Go home.

Go home, Katie. To your Brillo pads. I'm thinking like steel wool. Oh, sure. That's how bad it was. Isn't that a Brillo pad? I think steel wool is a little more intense. I don't know, though, actually.

I'm thinking of a scrub daddy. Oh, scrub daddy. I'm always thinking about a scrub daddy. I hate this. Yeah, actually, I think you're right. Brillo does have the steel. Yeah, they're like metal. You just use the brand name.

I'm trying to get some sponsorship points here. Could you imagine someone listening to a podcast and it's like, for your scrubbing needs use brillo do your feet look like a shoeless man from 1900 or whatever the fuck she said use code beach at brillo.com for 15% off your first order and then you're afraid of being intimate and then oh no scrub daddy's a Scrub Daddy is a competitor. Scrub Daddy is here. Sick. SD. SD. Okay.

I'm going to read a review of Yucatan Tan. Love that one. I didn't find a good review of it, but. Oh, I did. One Star by Michael. This is so bad, Alex. I just want to warn everyone. is it takes like such a sudden turn one star by michael of yucatan tan worthless i paid to come and they called to cancel me with

no explanation i asked danielle the manager why my subscription was being canceled and she said quote because your friend who referred you gave us a one-star review on yelp really seriously they advertise when you refer a friend you get ten dollars and so does your friend my friend did not get ten dollars for referring me neither did i get ten dollars for being a referee not quite the right word i think i think i think let's let's start using it that way though i love that who i mean what business in 2016 cancels your subscription because your friend gave us a one star review and we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

What? What was that sentence? Who? I mean, what business in 2016 cancels your subscription? Quote. I forgot to add the quote. Quote, because your friend gave us a one-star review and we reserved the right

to refuse service to anyone. Now here we go. I felt like a black person in 1960 in the south this is a this can't be real white middle-aged man this oh this can't be real based on this person's yelp profile they are a middle-aged white man oh fuck all the cracker barrel. Is that what it was based off of? What? You could tell that by the Cracker Barrel reviews. Oh, by...

Oh, yeah. Only five stars. Yeah, and all the cruise ships. VHDS all over the place. SD. Scrub Daddy. DBF. My Dear Black Friend.

Oh, from 1960s. From 1960s. God damn it. This is terrible. I felt like a black person in 1960 in the South. That's how I felt. Well, I mean, obviously, if he felt that way, he knows what it feels like. I wouldn't be surprised if their five-star reviews on here are from friends and families of employees.

I've asked to speak with Dirk, the owner. There's only one with the name Dirk. I love that name. Such a ridiculous name. Be nice to Dirk. It's German. only one with the name Dirk. I love that name. Such a ridiculous name. Be nice to Dirk. It's German. I can make fun of it. I've asked to speak with Dirk the owner, but he has not returned my call.

Now let's see if they refund me money. Well, let's see what it actually says. Now let's see if they refund me money money they owe me as they promised. Ooh. Give me that money money scrub daddy stop i wouldn't waste my time here go check out other competitors who will treat you with respect looks like there is good reason they're not member of the better business bureau signed michael d butler local resident and chamber of commerce member yep that's a white guy end of review there it is

the white middle-aged man mentioned the better business bureau is in like the city council or whatever it is city chamber of commerce location services were on chick-fil-a signed at the local chick-fil-a um yeah so there's that wow i felt like a black person in 1960s out that's how i felt holy shit that is wild i could of all places i wouldn't expect it's too absurd to actually make it up like it's one of those things where if you made it up for satire people would be like it's not even funny because it's just so on the nose this is one where people might write in and be like are we sure you didn't write these yourself because we're clearly a that fucked up and be just as clever as michael d butler oh yeah clever give me my money money sorry that was actually my

last one perfect i have one more and it's a redemption oh great for all b for beauty five star review from maria i drive 23 miles to get waxed by heather at mocha tan she is excellent very sweet and waxes you like no one ever has this place is very clean and staff is amazing end of review should i send ashley ashley had some issues she she the scrub daddy wasn't working for her. It looks like a bumpy man's chin down there. Yeah. She's really depressed looking. We'll, we'll,

we'll see what, uh, what Heather can do. Heather sounds like she's on her. Heather coming in clutch. Heather's, Heather knows how to wax you. Heather waxes like no one's business.

No. This is. I actually met Heather once. Did you? At a party. She introduced me to her husband, scrub daddy. Stop it, Alexander.

He told me to call him that. SD for short. Please. Was this at the local Chamber of Commerce gathering? It was. Oh, man. I felt like I cannot get over that. I tried to bring a little bit of a redemption

in there, but it's impossible to redeem that garbage that you read. It's really trash. It is really trash. Don't vote Michael D. Butler 2020. Vote Christine 2020. Christine 2020. I actually made a Christine 2020 banner for the podcast.

It is quite nice. For Alexander's birthday. It is. So you're welcome for that. Okay, so I guess it's time for my challenge yeah i'm gonna be honest i have i feel like you this week i have no idea what the challenge was it's your birthday i'll let it slide okay the challenge was i had a busy weekend can i tell a quick story what happened over the weekend so i wanted to tell people this yes so ali's brother was in town connor uh had a great weekend a lot of fun we hung out like all weekend the three of us yesterday we went

to universal studios um rode some great rides had some fun um i had i like basically chugged down a butterbeer had a pizza from luigi's pizza the uh in Springfield. Just a slice. We were going to go, and then we went on the freaking studio tour. Yeah. 60 to 70 minutes long. Yeah. We get on there. My stomach is like killing me.

Oh, no. It's the sharp pain. I'm like doubled over. I'm like, Allie, I'm like, I don't know if I can do this. If you recall from last week, Alexander has some lactose issues. It was awful. Like the worst stomach pain I've had in a long time. Like it was really bad.

Didn't bring his lactate. I didn't bring my lactate. It was just terrible. So I was buckled over as Jimmy Fallon kept talking to me over the stupid thing. Tour guide was doing his thing. We went through where they film The Good Place. I couldn't even enjoy it. I was in so much pain. And I look up and I

just see yogurt on one of the buildings. It made me feel even more sick. And we keep going. The whole time he's saying, if you need to stop for whatever reason, please pull the middle red. There's like this red line thing. He's probably looking at you going, if you need to stop. I was like three cars back. there's like this red line thing probably looking at you going if you need that was like three cars back he didn't see me um but ali's like pull it pull it i'm like no no no we do the 3d king kong experience that like

shakes you around i feel like shit finally we stop and i see there's like another thing we pull into that's like gonna be another little ride type thing yeah and i ali's like pull it and i'm like okay i pull it and over the intercom the guy's like like you can tell he like panics a little no he's like and he's like oh like pull it again if it's a medical emergency i turn to ali and i'm like should i pull it she's like no she's like don't pull it for the mental because she's like they're gonna call a fucking ambulance oh you're right and then um and then he was like okay and he's like obviously like what's going on he's like pull it again if you drop something no one's pulling it and he's like pauses he's like okay who pulled it is everyone just staring at you no everyone's looking around like oh this is horrible because in my car there is no one behind us just like

two rows ahead of us it was pretty empty my anxiety is and i spike and i like raise my hand and he's like okay car three and everyone like turns around to love he runs over and i was like i'm just feeling so nauseous i feel so sick he's like okay someone's coming they like radio for a truck to come and get me this is the most alexander i felt so embarrassed i apologized to the poor family sitting in front overall it took like 45 seconds from everyone like it was it wasn't that long at all like the truck came i mean you're definitely not the first person on a universal tour to the guy that acted like it because he got back up he was like he must be because he was so like not like uh uh remember and he's like trying to stall

but it was really obvious i'm like just say anything and i was like trying to stall, but it was really obvious. I'm like, just say anything. And I was like, you could, I'm thinking like, just tell the truth. Say someone was feeling nauseous back there. If I were in the front, I'd be like, is someone dying back there? I know, he was acting like I was. It's really probably better to just say, hey, someone had, wasn't feeling well, so we medevaced, we helicoptered them out. I bet you all those families thought it was just part of the ride oh yeah you think yeah yeah well just like this is just like that time grant in grand theft auto when all the oh my god and so the truck came they got me off um of the ride thing the tram

and then he took me to a special was ali like back lot bathroom and then uh took me to the top uh did ali stay on the thing? Yeah. Allie and Connor, they stayed on there. And I was like... I see her hand reaching out and you're like being pulled away. No, she was just waving. She's like, what?

She's like, please get out of here now. I want to finish this tour. It was totally fine. It was just... But it was like halfway through. So I like couldn't. I was like, there's no way. Let this be a lesson for all of you that if you have a lactose intolerance and you insist

on drinking a butter beer and eating pizza. It was so good though. Please. Was it worth it? No. Okay. Please bring your lactate at the very least. Holy shit.

I didn't hear the end of it either. Sad. The rest of the day from them. I thought you meant the end of the tour. I was like, what a. Well, that too. What a sad bummer. Anyway.

I've always wanted to do that tour. It was, it was, you know what? I would have loved it. Allie was like, this that too what a sad bummer anyway i've always wanted to do that tour it was it was you know what i would have loved it ali was like this is exactly what you would like it was really boring and you just kind of rolled through and relaxed well next time i'll go with you yeah if you ever invite me to anything i guess we'll think about it we got our special costco universal pass all right well that's my birthday story. I wanted to tell everyone. I think that was really worth it for everyone. Now, what was your challenge? Right. Relevant at all? Actually, yeah.

You just completed it. Thank you. And good night. Actually, my challenge was to find a favorable review of someone's former spouse's divorce attorney. Yes. Yes. I did.

You did? I did. You succeeded? It worked. No way. I succeeded. You did? I did. You succeeded? It worked. No way. I succeeded. And this was sent in by Alex. Thank you, Alex.

Not you. Not me. I assume, because you seem to have already forgotten it. Yep, definitely not me. Different Alex. Okay. So I was Googling this the other night, and Blaze was asleep, and I went downstairs to get some water, and when i came back up i realized

i'd left my computer open and i'd googled divorce attorneys yelp reviews and so i just had these like tabs of divorce attorneys open and thankfully blaze had his little sleep mask on because i insist on you know being up till two in the morning um so as of as of where it stands now, we're still married, I think. So the first one I found is a five-star review of the Law Office of Sue sign by Lisa. Lisa says, Sue was actually my husband's attorney in our divorce case. I have to say I was impressed with her. I found her to be a very competent professional attorney that really looked out for her client's best interest, aka her ex-husband, rather than her pocketbook. She didn't try to take advantage when other

attorneys could and did. She was fair but could also be aggressive when and if necessary. Even though I didn't hire her for my counsel i'd still recommend her to others end of review weird it's so weird i'm like who made you write this yeah what is this are you trying to get like points on this was part of the settlement the lawyer just threw it in there she's like this is such an easy case i can probably get some five stars out of this. Oh, my God. That's weird.

I feel like I have to be careful what I say about these lawyers because... Christina, it's okay. You have a lawyer friend. I do. Almost. Almost lawyer friend. May. I got to count down until May for me to be able to say shit like the things that I already say.

We can't wait. The next review is a four-star review by, quote, a local Yahoo user. Okay. This is a review of John Vomaca attorney. Sure. Mr. Vomaca was actually my ex's attorney. He knew without a shadow

of a doubt he was fighting a losing battle, yet he never gave up trying to argue his client's position he did it carefully and well thought out see now that's more what i expected he knew he was fighting a losing battle with his client that really bothers me actually tried so hard that really bothers me i don't know what it is about that but here i'll give you he's trying to be all buddy-buddy with his ex's lawyer. I love that it's four stars. This poor chump. He got screwed over by her too, am I right?

Oh my god. Yikes. The next one is also a four-star review. It's of Fleming Law, and it just says client review. Charlotte Fleming was actually my ex-husband's lawyer but was good she is always in control when in the courtroom and can make anyone nervous kind of like a bulldog i resented her for a long time due to the outcome of our lawsuit but now i realize she's just a good lawyer end of review well that's this is so depressing weirdly rational and reasonable kind of i wonder if it's one of those things where your therapist is like you need to address this resentment you're

holding open up your laptop get on your ipad oh my god do i have to click five you can click four but right you write something positive that's wild to me, though. Isn't that weird? Yeah. How many of these? I mean, they're not that many. That one, like, I expected a lot of one stars, you know, instead of. Oh, there were. Trust me. But you said favorable reviews, so.

Oh, yeah. True. But I'm just like, I didn't expect them to be like this, though. Yeah. You know, like, it just seems weird. It's very weird. though yeah you know like it just seems weird very weird and i'm like i'm all for like oh my my partner my ex-partner and i are still amicable and i'm like great awesome but like why are you going back and reviewing the lawyer that was against you i could picture them maybe joking about it like my god remember that lawyer like like you did she really screwed you over right

or like you did such a better job hiring uh representation than i did which also happened a lot on here but it's just a very odd way to go about spending your time but then again i spent two hours last night making a weird photoshop montage there you go all the stages of your life so but i and i weirdly respect these reviews i know i'm like nodding my head like because they're positive you know how we feel. Yeah. I guess I'm just not used to this many positive reviews. Yeah. I'm trying to make your birthday a little better. Okay. Here's a five-star review. I have two more. Here's a five-star review by Becky of Sherry Warren. I have recommended many people to Sherry Warren for divorce law. She was actually my ex-husband's attorney when he left me in 1996.

My goodness. So sad. My attorney wanted to escalate the divorce and take it to court so she could rack up a huge bill. Whereas Sherry Warren made it easy for us to divide our assets fairly and honestly. Because she was my husband's attorney, my husband and I had a very amicable divorce and have been able to remain cordial co-parents of two very happy, well-adjusted young men who are both in college now. While the divorce was not my desire, I am so very, very thankful that she was able to help us accomplish it in such a manner that we have been able to

remain friendly for the sake of our boys. I'm sure I've sent at least eight or ten people to her over the years, and have heard nothing but wonderful remarks about her professionalism and fairness. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, but Sherry is gifted at making it as undamaging as possible for both the couple involved and their kids. What more could you ask for in a divorce situation? She is just wonderful. End of review.

My goodness. I know. I have this much respect for lawyers. I haven't seen this in a while. Well, I have one more. Now, this is for Neil Marangi, and I will say, so the place is called Flat Rate Divorce. That's where Blaze is going. I bookmarked it for future for safekeeping i'll encourage him to go don't worry okay ray so now you'll learn this in the review but essentially ray is another lawyer

the person reviewing is another lawyer got it The person reviewing is another lawyer. Got it. Neil is a skilled, knowledgeable, and ethical attorney, and I say this as a fellow family law lawyer who is marketing for the same clients he has. In other words, I have no personal gain from this endorsement. Seeing his one-star rating on Yelp, I felt I had to give Yelpers a clearer view of him. I have handled a few cases against Neil as opposing counsel,

and he was always a formidable opponent. If I were to, heaven forbid, get divorced, I'd be very unlucky if my wife hired Neil. End of review. How sweet. I know. I was like, this is professional. Weird. This is like the opposite of all of those shows on NBC

and all those dramas where like scandal and shit where literally everyone's just trying to cut each other down this is like the most wholesome law but in a really weird way in like the creepiest uncomfortable way yes um and i know that one wasn't like their ex-spouse's attorney but i figured it was still sort of relevant sort of relevant for sure like it hypothetically could be yes he wants it to be he wants it to be no he doesn't in a way well he doesn't want it i'd be very unlucky yes he would want it for neil's sake and neil would deserve it and it would be good for his wife right he'd be like so right now he wants to sacrifice myself and all my yeah my half of our our. That's a funny endorsement.

Isn't that strange? Yes. And this guy had a lot of one-star reviews. Really? This guy wrote five stars. I'm a lawyer. So I'm like, why does Yelp allow that? This guy didn't even use, he just knows him as a friend.

He didn't even use him. I was just like, why is that allowed? But then there are reviews in the not recommended. Because he's faced him in the courtroom? I guess. I don't know. There were ones in not recommended courtroom i guess like i don't know there were ones in not recommended that are like five stars he really helped me out true my divorce and then those are like not allowed well yeah there are yeah i've seen those

a lot i don't know why it happens all the time it's weird help is weird there were some two that were like allegedly weird ones allegedly allegedly tm tm tm there are also ones that were like one star beach shoe sandy god damn it recommended by yelp it's so bad yelp review of the day okay so that's that on that that was great so i'm like really i'm that that was a solid number of them and they were yeah very positive that's like the best kind of endorsement if someone who's like i wish they hadn't been this great but they were this great that i have to leave a fester review um you guys if you're looking at for a divorce attorney um you know hopefully not but if you are i have a few recommendations based on my new pals on yahoo forums from 2004 um anyway so that's that

that was great that was fun for me thanks alex for that for uh challenging her to that yes um i i like alex and julia set this up to be a good birthday episode for you yeah i'm i'm very pleased good i'm pleased this was a fun one that was a really fun episode and now all we have to do is wait for your wedding you're just like partying it up this year oh my bayou wedding okay you're swampy breeze swampy swampy breeze is the band isn't it okay um okay so we ready for the theme and challenge for next week yes sir this is the first time i've ever actually prepared one okay your theme our theme is from our friend caitlin who sent the 50 states and 50 themes oh yeah because we have not been to montana yet love a good caitlin correct correct our theme fitness centers in helena montana oh is that like a i mean like a gym right yeah like gyms

or like yoga studios or something yeah so anything fitness related basically got it so that'll bring like kind of keep it nice and varied and we can be creative yes um i'm so sorry i remember how i said that i was prepared yeah you just said that didn't you i was but i forgot to write down the name of the person that suggested it because it was definitely not something that i came up with okay so this is actually something we got 23 hours ago oh it's an email weird it's from quinn so i'll just tell you the challenge that um that i've developed based on their suggestion so your challenge is to find reviews of a place meant to be nude where the reviewer complains about people being nude in the nude yes like a nude beach a nude spa a nude cool so this is the i already

have two places in mind i know because you went to one i remember well there's also one in portland that i know okay there's also the naked bike race in portland that might be interesting portland's just gonna have all sorts of stuff i you. I'm just going to stick to Portland. So this is what, so Quinn said, I would thoroughly enjoy it if you looked at reviews of nude hot springs where the reviewer complains about people being naked. And then they said, based on personal experience,

this is a deep, deep well. I have a feeling you're going to find some weird stuff. Yeah. And I apologize in advance, but you can start this once your birthday is over so you don't have to taint your birthday oh don't say taint nope bad choice of wording rachel wanted uh hot springs reviews too oh okay well there you go so that's great so we combine a rachel and a quinn yeah thank you quinn for that suggestion a quachel quachel thank you quachel thank you

quachel um so that's that sounds like some sort of aztec thing is that offensive somewhat that's some sort of aztec it is offensive okay then rewind okay no like something i actually know of that like like um quetzal yes what's that quetzal's pretzels okay let's rewind this quetzcoatl, that's what I'm thinking. Yes, yes. It's a feathered serpent of the Mesoamerican culture. Quetzal's pretzels. Quetzal's pretzels.

Now that is a chain word. Quetzal's pretzels. Quetzalcoatl's pretzels. Once we do a Mesoamerican episode, we'll do Quetzal pretzels in Mesoamerica. So bad. Okay. Well, thanks everyone for listening to my birthday episode. Yay!

Happy birthday, Zandy. Yay, thank you. Thank you. It's about 12 hours left of your birthday, so use it wisely. Oh no, it went by so fast i'm gonna spend the rest of it editing this episode so okay well enjoy thank you so much goodbye everyone we'll see you soon Bye.