Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen as we unload reviews of fitness centers from Cheyenne, WY (and Helena, MT, don't worry). Alex also shares reviews with lots of nudity and hedonistic bellboys. So tune into our liberal cesspool of a podcast as we take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to join our monthly patron only live stream! Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, jimrsbjorklund, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky-click magic trick! Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Boy howdy. Boy howdy.

It's no longer your birthday. How does it feel? God, was that the last episode? Was my birthday episode? It feels like so long ago. Like years. years god now you're so elderly compared to then i feel it i feel in my bones um welcome to the beach to sandy marathon uh it won't be a marathon for you unless you're binging this in a year's time in which there are probably plenty of episodes left yeah we are um recording four episodes in less than two days yeah it's really questionable it's because we don't plan

things ahead of time not really that well we happen to be going on trips yeah and they happen to like lap up so that literally within a 12-hour period, one of us will be leaving town and one of us will be arriving. They are just back-to-back for mostly the entire month of October. So we realized this maybe a day before I left on my trip. And we were like, well, we have this 36-hour window in which to record a month's worth of episodes. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's do it. So if we sound increasingly defeated over the next, or maybe we'll go deranged. There's multiple directions. That gets pretty good, though. I think maybe it'll go the opposite direction. Well, that jet lag episode, there's one where you're jet lagged. I think we went off the rails at times.

Oh, after Austria. And I think in some ways it was wonderful, but then I saw one review where they were like, in that specific episode, it seemed really well you guys weren't clicking it's like fuck you i'm gonna go into your office cubicle and sit there and take notes on your entire day every single day and then the second you look tired or annoyed or roll your eyes at karen i'm going to write a one-star review about how you are not at the top of your game. You tell them. Yeah.

Why are we here? We're already off the rails in Doreen. You're welcome. This is Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. It's a podcast featuring one-star reviews that we find on the internet. This week's theme is not what I said last week. So last week at the end of the episode, I said, oh, we've never done Montana, right? And you said, no, of course not.

And then I said fitness centers in Helena, I think, Montana. Well, it turns out we already did McDonald's in Billings, Montana. Oops. So guess what? We're not doing Montana again. I'm sorry, Montana. We will probably one day. Nothing against Montana.

But we decided to try something new. I've made a big mistake. Why? Did you do all Montana? Are you kidding me? I forgot I had started my notes before the trip. And then I went and opened them and it said Helena, Montana. And I went, oh, I guess we decided to stay in Helena.

And I know you texted me. I'm remembering now. But I think I was at a wedding or something. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot. Well, guess what? I was looking at the, you even sent me a screenshot of the ones that you covered. Yes, which we're all in.

Here's the theme, supposed to be the theme this week, is fitness centers in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Oh, God, I'm such an idiot. Wyoming people, you know what? No. Because the Montana people would have been mad if we said there'd be a montana episode another one and we didn't do it so it's a nice mix you're right i've got some from wyoming you've got some from montana are they like natural enemies maybe we can just like pit them against natural enemies yeah and see which ones are worse um i'm very sorry i'm

such an idiot i've literally as you were saying it i was like oh right i completely forgot but i'd already started my notes yeah you seemed very like yeah yeah man we were wrong we were wrong oh hey yeah i just kind of assumed we were going with that which okay obviously we were not um that's okay yeah you definitely definitely corrected me that's okay we have proof but we're not going to use it um you don't need proof i'm admitting fully that this was my fault well that's okay so that's our theme is kind of a mix but it's going to be fitness related reviews and then um the northern part of this nation yes the challenge that you gave me is to find reviews of a place meant to be nude where people are meant

to be nude where the reviewer complains about people being in the nude totally here i found the text it was 9 p.m you never responded i didn't it was 9 p.m the evening of the wedding i was at so i was definitely far gone at that point and i'm so sorry and then you sent me a picture of geo and i got completely sidetracked so yeah so she responded to that i did respond to that. Anyway, that's okay. How about you get us started with a Montana fitness? Okay, happily. We're going to be doing a lot of flying around. Okay.

This is a review of Capital City Health Club. It's a one-star review by Luke. This place is very strict and is too mean to youth. Won't let us come play basketball and we can't even play shirts and skins. End of review. It was a child. It was a hashtag teen.

This child wants his fellow children to be able to take their shirts off and play basketball. I am not going to comment on that. It's too intimidating for the average patron. To see a bunch of teens without shirts. Yeah, I would say so. There is a high school near this place called, I think, Capital City High School.

And so there were definitely a lot of reviews of people coming over from the high school and their parents were members or something. I don't know. So I think there's some weird weird connection there that sounds like a gym i do not want to go to no that case well it says they're pretty mean to the youth switch well then maybe i do want to go there maybe there's some rebellious youths without shirts i like are the ones listening to this show oh yeah we do like you guys and we would never stop okay never mind i was gonna say we never stop you from taking off your shirt and then i went actually we will because i think that's illegal we we will but for the for for the good of your basketball game your bad yes okay let's just move on from

you can't come to my gym teens oh god you can't you're not allowed yeah she has a gym in our basement that she that's where i that she doesn't invite teens. That's where I keep all my teen greeters. The greeters are there, but not the basketball players. And everyone must be fully clothed at all times. Please, God. This is getting out of hand. It's your turn.

My review is from the Cheyenne Family YMCA from Juliana. One star. Staff was helpful. Hot tub was nice. The lifeguard, however, deserves to be waterboarded. Or needs to drink exclusively, pass out, and choke on his own vomit. My dad had no clue how to swim. And ended up sinking in the deep end.

Only reason why he was there was because he attempted to get the ball from Monkey in the Middle. Oh, no. Dad, no. Dad. Dad. It's not worth it. Dad.

I'm like, okay. Dad is such a dad to me. I feel bad for this man. Yes, it's terrible. It's terrible. But isn't that the first thing you teach your child? If the ball goes in the street, don't run after it. Just let it go. Just let Dad run after it. Just let it go.

Just let dad run after it. Yes. Oh, true. He was like, oh, kids, you can swim better than me, but let me go get the ball. But damn, if I let you be the monkey in the middle or if you let me be the monkey in the middle, maybe it's just that committed to the sport. It does sound like something our dad would do. It does, doesn't it? Lifeguard failed miserably to notice him struggling,

and I swam from the shallow water and pulled him up. By that point, he was touching the bottom of the pool. Oh my god. Water got into his lungs. If I was in the hot tub, it would have gone completely unnoticed, and God knows what could have happened. End of review. Oh my god, did he have the ball, though?

That's what I wanted to know. Oh, that's bad. It really doesn't, like, complete the story, if I don't know. No, that's truly terrible. It is oh it really doesn't like complete the story if i don't know no that's truly terrible it is terrifying i'm very sorry like i'm a very awful swimmer so yeah i have no desire to be in a deep end really for the rest of my life probably yeah ali took me to um the pool like there's a pool near here where it's like adult nights and you can spend a few bucks and just swim laps she's a swimmer yeah i am not she seems like the athletic type thank she did like water polo you know nuts

that shit is water polo is an insane sport it's it's it requires a lot of constant i told her i think that is the last sport i would ever want to try yeah yes i can't even tread water that or like actual water for there's like that and actual polo. I literally told her, I specifically said I would try polo before I tried water polo. You would ride on a giant horse before. Okay. With a large mallet. Water polo, you don't get a mallet.

You don't. Or something to ride on. That's the problem. That's the problem. Yeah. But they, thankfully when we went swim laps, they had those like floaties. Pool noodles? Oh.

No, they had float like pool floaties no they did not go no they had floaties like to practice your kicking and i was like this is embarrassing she's like no people actually use those yeah yeah yeah and i was like okay good i'm only using this senior citizen center has a lot of those i'm just kidding i'm just teasing but they did they did bring over the signs for each lane uh-huh slow. Slow, medium, fast. No, really? Yeah, I was in the slow lane. Our lane became the slow lane. And it was not because of her. Oh, they had to switch the signs around.

They were like, actually. They had to watch and see how everyone's doing and then put them up so that if anyone else wants to join, they know which lane they belong in. My lane, it was literally just me and Allie. And because of me, it was deemed the slow lane. Oh, my God. Understand understandably I'm not mad I get it oh boy well I have a review that is not about a pool thank god but there were a lot of messed up pool reviews I did notice some of them were really off-putting um but this is a review of a planet fitness um it is a one-star review by kimberly so happy laura is gone that chick was

rude mean complete lazy trash she's the reason why people don't want to go to the gym end of review wow i'm like i don't think she's she's not my reason i don't want to go to the gym yeah i have a lot of reasons and laura is not one of them laura's now one of them because i'm like if i can use laura as an excuse i will that's a good point i look for excuses everywhere i go i can't make it to the gym today why not laura chick laura just laura complete lazy trash am i right yeah what a mean thing to say that is awful anyway and that one this way i don't know if laura's bad someone's stooping to laura's level just saying. I just don't understand why Yelp says that's okay. But then there's a review like, we had a great time.

We bought $5 sliders at this place. And the facilities were clean. And everyone, staff was very friendly. And that's marked not recommended. And it's like, yeah, not recommended review based on their algorithm. Yeah. Maybe Yelp. Allegedly allegedly maybe yelp needed an excuse not to go to the gym they're allegedly they did allegedly they needed that they needed it

yeah gotta be careful i know i know i know head honchos at yelp are listening in the second we get any expendable cash we need to buy a lawyer is that how that works no okay what i don't know it's like i don't know what the hell you're referencing but i don't get an insurance agent i don't know i'm saying we need some legal protection because i we say some dumb stuff yeah well we're waiting for renee renee renee hurry up and graduate this next one is a review of the cheyenne family ymCA again. Okay. This is by Kellen, one star. Outdated equipment. Free weights scattered all over.

Dumbbells out of order. Dated interior. Staff seem nice, but do not take proactive approach in helping a patron when checking in. Wish there was somewhere else to play racquetball in this backwards town. End of review.

That sounds like an Alexander comment. Wish there was somewhere else to play polo. I'm like, these are very good complaints. And then it's like, wish I could play racquetball anywhere else. What does that have to do with anything? Like free weights when playing racquetball? Yeah, that's a good point. No, maybe they're like well they're

probably a member so they can play racquetball yeah that was at the ymca the ymca huh yeah i mean i i don't know what to tell you but i'm gonna say like if you're judging the town calling it backwards because there's only one place to play racquetball. Yeah, that's a really questionable attitude to have. I will say maybe now we should think about investing in a racquetball center for Cheyenne, Wyoming. Oh, yeah. I feel like this is a good opportunity to really get in on the ground floor. That's a good point.

Yeah. Yeah, because Kellen and Kellen's friends. Do you think that Kellen has friends? Well, Kellen must have a racquetball opponent. Posse. Oh. I was going to say enemy, and then I was like, that's not the right word.

It could be. I don't play sports very often. I don't play racquetball. Let's say it's enemies, posses, so your racquetball team. I know it's 1v1, but you have a team behind you, too. Your racquetball posse is what it's called. He must at least be a member of a posse. I think he owns a posse. It's like full ownership.

Only the owner can write a Yelp review about... never mind. Okay, this is our first episode of r4 where are you gonna evolve i promise i did see kellen hit a racquetball into a deep end of a pool though because kellen doesn't really understand the difference between racquetball and monkey in the middle he just kind of plays both there's nowhere else to play that i think it was personally i think it was an assassination attempt very almost worked convoluted assassination attempt on someone's dad yeah don't take my ideas i know it's a really good one but don't take that idea for a screenplay oh for an assassination you're like oh i could write a movie about this like i'm gonna write a novella uh setting the ymca um god wish

there were more places to play monkey in the middle in this back backwards town okay i'm so sorry we're back this is a review of broadwater hot springs this place i guess was a newer establishment and so it had like crazy tons of reviews because they had like a big open house and all these people had to give their opinions of the new location, et cetera. I think it was created as kind of like a swankier family club type thing

where they have like a bar and like a restaurant and hot springs, technically, quote unquote. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir?

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Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. So here we go. This is a one-star review by Thomas. Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. So here we go. This is a one-star review by Thomas. My daughter went there today and tried to use her honor roll discount. Broadwater Hot Springs refused to accept it and charged my daughter full price. They blamed Capital High School for the confusion, but at the end of the day, it's just Broadwater refusing to give a discount. $10 is a lot for a high school student to pay just to swim for a little bit. Come on, what do these kids here in Helena have to do? Not much, I can tell you that. Would it kill them to give a discount for high school kids on the honor roll?

Really, are they that greedy and apathetic here? Unbelievable. This establishment is greedy, heartless, and absolutely does not support the local community. Shame on them. What? End of review. There was no discount! I guess I figured that out. What?

Why? Give your child $10 to go swimming, whatever. I mean, go to the Y. I bet the Y has it. That's true. Oh. After that incident, though. The racquetball incident. Oh, no. The racquetball ball. You mean the monkey in the middle? Monkey in the middle racquetball incident. Oh, shit. That's probably why. It's dangerous. Yeah. And you know, Callan was an honor roll student. That's why they got rid of the discount. And the riffraff. Wow, that is, what's that word that we use a lot? Very entitled.

Dumb. Very entitled. Yes, we use dumb a lot too. We have a wide vocabulary. We do have a wide range of vocabulary. That's very entitled to think that, well, my, was it daughter? Would it kill you to give my daughter a discount for being on the honor roll? You know what? It wouldn't. That doesn't mean it should happen.

Right. That has nothing. Yeah. That's not an argument in my book. Not a good one anyway. Which book was that? The Good Book. Oh, yeah. You wrote The Good Book.

You heard of it? Mm-hmm. Also Constitution for Kids. Yes. Beautiful pictures. A singing, a sing-along memoir. The one where you have like a weird little speaker plastic thing on the side. Just like the Disney books.

And you hit the button and it sings music. Yep. It plays music when you read. Where, where has my calamari gone? Oh, no. Yep. I did not need to relive that. It's a bestseller.

Okay. In Cheyenne. We're moving on. Not that again, ever. My next one is of a bestseller. Okay. In Cheyenne. We're moving on. Not that again, ever. My next one is of a gold's gym. By hashtag PH. Three stars. I need a frat.

God damn it. I almost said frat friendly. I need a fat friendly gym for now. But if you're a skinny mini, slim Sally, or a beefcake Brian, this place is for you. They have these massage chairs that are out of this world, though. And the place is so bright, they'll be the first ones to see Jesus coming. End of review. What?

That's a first. Right? That's kind of why I picked it. Because I'm like... But how many stars three stars okay it's not terrible yeah it's not terrible i'm saying it's not frat friendly beefcake brian's there my son is in a fraternity um he's on the honor he's not on the honor roll but yeah but you just give him a discount would it kill you please um okay so um hey at least i like that phrase a

lot this place is so bright well let me get i got to read it again i didn't remember places so bright they'll be the first ones to see jesus coming that's hilarious do you think he was very amused with his own creation because i think i would be i would be too um yeah i like that very much i just wanted to let everyone know that that's a thing maybe in wyoming it's already maybe it is and we're just ignorant entirely possible i mean we are ignorant i'm gonna try using that and then someone will be like wyoming and i'll be like yep that's me cheyenne stop it you ever go to the y oming oh i love listen wait listen wait how did we not here i am wow sign sealed and delivered that was beautifully delivered i'm gonna see jesus first the why oming oh my god now that

is good tm tm tm thank you that's idea how obnoxious that's going to sound, but probably pretty annoying. Very. That's chapter 75 of my children's book. The good one? The good book. Yeah. Okay. Shall we go back to the Broadwater Hot Springs? I would love to. Abysmal. Oh, by the way, this is by Lewis.

Oh, hi, Lewis. One star. Abysmal. Another bankruptcy can't be too far away. lewis one star abysmal another bankruptcy can't be too far away the gm and bozeman owners must have iqs that combined would add up to a posted speed limit was there on a chilly recent sunday night since the outside lighting is poor i got to see this is terrible since the outside lighting is poor i got to see two hippos going at it in the otherwise nice west pool yeah wait what's not good Yeah. Wait, what? It's not good. In fact, it's very bad.

That's bad. Yes. Since the outside lighting is poor, I got to see two hippos going at it in the otherwise nice West pool. Disgusting. One of the previous employees I chatted with in the steam room really unloaded cafe stays open too late in the steam room don't do that in the steam room no don't please oh listen it's one star for a reason cafe stays open too late had to be open again early some nights he had four hours of sleep the sofa near the entrance is now occupied with a stupid halloween skeleton so you can't sit down okay that is hilarious he's really taking a little notepad

like henriette's henriette harriet the spy oh my god that's so funny henriette at the spy is my knockoff version okay the sofa near the entrance is now occupied with the stupid Halloween skeleton. So no, you can't sit down if the sofa has more than one person on it. The men's locker room humidity approaches 100%. Limited construction left uncovered. Man, if I was an insurance company, this would head my no-can-do list. End of review. This was unique it was different

it was varied varied and unique yes it almost seems like lewis had like three other people write this review alongside him well it sounds like in the steam room they were getting some unloading done that's true no maybe he and his posse had he's like why don't you unload on me i'll unload on you you see that skeleton out front? Only one person can sit on the couch at a time now. Oh, gosh. God forbid. Anyway.

Just move the skeleton? I don't know. Maybe not. Just don't sit down. If someone's already there, why do you... I guess if you're going to unload again, you've got to find a place to sit. This guy, he unloads everywhere he does on yelp too i've noticed oh god all right he just unloaded on our show he did how unfortunate though are

giving him so many opportunities okay i'm gonna are you gonna go i'm gonna read another one. Good, thank god. This is of the same gold's gym. By Matt, one star. Garbage. If they prefer feral thugs over combat vets, they should move to St. Louis or Chicago. This gym lacks street smarts and is very vulnerable to feral thug delusions. The gold where I came from was very astute and knew what mental illness looked like. These people have no clue. They say they pride themselves on safety, yet people come in

and steal credit cards. My trainer was always sick. Very weird and low IQ people. End of review. What? I don't know. What in the world? This one needs translating, I think.

I think so too. My old Jim was astute? That's not even the right word. That doesn't even make sense. Well, look, Matt just has a way with words that we don't understand, I think. I mean, to even be like, oh, they don't understand mental illness.

All these people have terribly low IQs and are always sick. It's like, you need to watch yourself bro whoa don't call it don't step to i know don't step to this bro you're right i crossed a line in there whoa i'm so sorry the way you're acting we should send you to chicago or st louis i like that so much It's like definitely that person who moved there from a bigger town. Or tried to move to a bigger town. Or that and failed. Yeah. And thinks that they basically have the astute astution of a larger town.

But also don't like the large, I don't know. Delusions that they have. Oh, the delusions. It was good that they used feral thugs twice. Yeah was good writing i think i think so too feral thug delusion sounds like the best band name it really oh i like that yeah i like it that it really like came through as what he was talking about once he used it the second time i was like now it makes oh click click there it goes there it is my low iq brain's finally clicking yeah whoops um repetition works yeah you know that's really the only way to get through to people sometimes i think

um did you hear that repetition is the only way to get through to people we have to say something more worthwhile if we're gonna repeat ourselves in to get don't move to st louis or chicago don't move to st louis or chicago no what i don't want to be i want to say something like leave us a five-star review oh sorry something that actually helps us yes not like something insulting leave five-star review also st louis and chicago are lovely places yes they are i was i was at a a show a stranger cat show in uh a waffle restaurant in st louis in a waffle restaurant in St. Louis. In a waffle restaurant?

Oh, that waffle restaurant was so good. And then some people who were watching the show were like, hey guys, need a place to crash? And Stranger Cat was like, sure. And I was like, guess I'm coming along, okay. They were like, this is no longer Waffle House, it's a waffle home. Yeah, and then I slept on some random person's couch. How beautiful. It was wonderful. what a beautiful story thank you sounds like i'm telling you st louis was great sounds like some feral thug delusions you're having over there oh god they

got to me they did repetition it's what it works okay uh i have another review of the broadwater hot springs um this is a review by marilyn one star and there is a response from the owner or the manager marilyn gave one star pools are closed today with a bunch of exclamation points manager response marilyn we are very sorry we had to shut our pools down due to weather unfortunately though when the temperature gets to be negative 25 for multiple days in a row, our outdoor pools do suffer. We know you understand because even with negative reviews, you've still been a member for years. We are happy that we are one of the bright spots in your day. Oh, I love that.

What? That was perfect. That's hilarious. So many people complaining that the pool closed and they were like we had an aggressive lightning storm legally gosh and then they were like and when we do have a lightning storm we give out vouchers to come back so it's not like you lose money or anything yeah oh my god negative 25 the outdoor pools do suffer. Yeah, I imagine so. You know what? If they want fewer one-star reviews, they should let these people out there. And just see what happens.

Just let them go. Just throw a racquetball in the middle of the pool. Nope. And just let them go. Have their fun. My dad doesn't know how to ice skate. And our racquetball ball went straight onto the frozen pool. Okay. Remember that time when we went ice skating and dad literally fell yeah that was that was that was not good but that was

wasn't that an eden park yes it was like a two foot one or two feet okay but he did fall directly he did that was yeah that was not good it was alarming i was poor loafers um um let's see i have one more review great this is of the planet fitness and cheyenne by bobby and i have a response as well similar to what you just did great one star i didn't think they were open didn't see signs saying they were so didn't use the facility here's a response okay here's a response thank you for that from the owner that's a beautiful story hello bobby it looks like this club is open 24 7 hope to see you on our planet soon and response is that like a threat or like a kind see it's one of those where i'm like this is so many layers and I'd like to unpack them. Layers, yes. Definitely layers.

Back on our planet. So, planet fitness. That makes sense. Sure. But like, literally, this guy's head is so far up in the clouds that he didn't know if a 24-7 gym was open. But he didn't check. Exactly. So he's like, come back to our planet. What a weird oh i see like see that's how i read it at first i was cackling at myself in bed last night i like it very much come back to our planet if you ever figure out how the hell the real world works yeah i could definitely see that too i mean also like different planets have different um times of days like weeks different time different weights different weights maybe if you want to be if you're too if you feel like you need some boosting of your esteem you can go to

mars yeah less gravity there you go um wow that's really a really beautiful i'm sure that they really intended all those different meanings to to be inferred okay i trust it so i have one more and it's also it also includes a response from the manager this seems to be a new trend for the end of our uh segment so this is a review by tina of broadwater hot, so the same place. One star. Not nothing old to say about this business. I used to think the world of it until I got to know the staff and their true intentions shined out. Stalkers! And then the response from the manager. Oh, okay. See, that's something where you read that and you're like, come on, give

a little bit more. I need to i wish we need context well i think this response for the manager is not going to give you much more context okay but i'm but a little bit i'm excited to hear it we'll give you a little bit of um of nuance response from the manager tina tina tina we have had your review flagged as inappropriate what that's the way you do it that's like texting someone you're blocked and then blocking them yeah blocked yep oh my god i i like that the beginning of tino's review i got stuck on that at first and then as i kept reading i was like oh no this just gets batshit crazy but the beginning goes not nothing old to say about this business i was trying to

wrap my mind around that not nothing old so not new nothing new to say not nothing yeah so i thought it was like maybe it could be a plan i gave them the benefit of the doubt you should play on words you shouldn't with not tina nothing old nothing new god see i don't even know it doesn't make any sense um i got in my head it was also one of those where there were like a lot of spaces between words and then some words like were clearly auto-corrected like yeah so i had to figure out what the hell it said but i finally realized it said i used to think the world of it until i got to know the staff and their true intentions shined out stalkers what what tina tina tina you know what what i don't understand

tina tina tina okay you know what i think of when i think of Tina? What's that? I think of my favorite character in Napoleon Dynamite. Oh, yeah. The alpaca. Tina. Tina, you fat lord. Are you playing something? No. Oh, I thought you had your phone out.

I thought you were going to play a clip. No. I was like, I'm pretty sure we can't do that copyright-wise. Tina, you fat lord. Yeah, Tina, you fat fat lord come get your dinner it's hard being named tina now in a post napoleon dynamite world in a post entry gotta go to that gym no matter how it doesn't matter you just yeah i mean i'm christina sometimes that's really hard yeah you went by tina until that movie came out and then i just started calling you fat lord

no you did that we did that ever since the day you were born don't worry that's why i stopped after that yo that's why i go to mars so often why do you think that makes sense just try out the new planet yeah you bring your scale up there you hop on you take a picture for your fitness instagram who's calling me a fat lard now my fitness instagram oh you guys don't know about it oh you guys gotta find it stop it alexander does that still exist no i deleted all the posts oh no that's sad yeah well you should have thought about that well i was trying to talk it up and get you some new followers i did have a weird uh phase everyone i'm so sorry where i had one of those really basic like

fitness instagrams where i'd post like my oatmeal and shit like that and hey whatever works honestly it didn't work so that's well then you deleted it that's fine but for me i'm like the actually that might be motivation it would be funny the account still exists so if anyone can find that i'm curious to know but i did delete all the posts but the account still exists it's a funny name it has maybe 20 followers it no longer has a funny name i did change the name and no one is allowed to know what it is i won't because i can't even you telling me okay anyway how about we move on can we god please thank you a fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind to new views and new perspectives.

The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at Michigan.org. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one

is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. All right, I'm excited for your challenge challenge my challenge was to find reviews of places where people are meant to be nude and yet reviewers complain about people being in the nude okay um trip advisor was my friend oh yeah trip advisor when it, when it's good, it's good. Yeah, and it really started things off right for me. Have you ever heard of hedonism? Oh, hedonism. And by hedonism, I don't mean the word, I mean the place. Oh, no, I don't think I have.

So, in that case, let me read you a nice description. Is it like a cruise where people are... Okay, never mind. It's... You know what? Let's just read it. Let's read it. Like a cruise where people are... Okay, never mind. It's... You know what? Let's just read it.

Let's read it. What is hedonism? The sexiest place on earth where you can be wicked for a week. Oh. Hedo, Hedo 2, Hedo 2, H2, or H2. Two's either with the number two or the Roman numerals. Understood. Okay.

No matter what you call it, Hedonism 2 is the world's most iconic adult playground an all-inclusive paradise where you can turn your fantasies into reality experience what you only read about in erotic novels and let loose be as mild or as wild as you like people travel to hedonism 2 from all corners of the world to live out their fantasies, to escape their inhibitions, to play. Life is too short. Do it now before later becomes never. Your pleasure is our passion. Hedonism. Noun. The pursuit of pleasure. Why is it so long?

Sensual self-indulgence. Synonyms. Self-indulgence. Pleasurems. Self-indulgence. Pleasure-seeking. Self-gratification. The ethical theory that pleasure, in the sense of the satisfaction of desires, is the highest good and proper aim of human life. What in the goddamn world?

So, that's what hedonism is. Okay, thank you for illuminating me i found a couple reviews of hedonism 2 in jamaica so is it a resort yes it's a resort see i know it's like a resort people go a lot of nudity etc i did see one something really similar when i did the cruise ship reviews there were some that were like i think it it was called heat. It might have been. They might do cruises. I think they do cruises. So maybe this, I, my understanding of this was it was. Like a resort.

A resort. Cause it was almost the exact same thing. And it was like, look at our photo albums. And I was like, no. Yeah. No. Oh my God. No, that's, I didn't realize that places like Yelp allowed you nudity.

There's a lot of nudity. Were there actual i didn't look actual like because i was looking at nude beaches and things yeah oh wow nude photos i mean i guess it makes sense if it's allowed they well yeah that's surprising to me i guess i was surprised but um i kept looking okay teens teens trip advisor is not your friend anymore. Like I just said, ignore that. Okay. So here we go. This is a review of Hedonism 2.

One star. Return to Hedonism. This resort is old and tired. Rooms. The rooms are old. Our AC barely worked and we found most nights we were better off with the window open the double bed was two twin mattresses of questionable quality the mirrors on the ceiling were warped giving one the impression of being in a fun house wait that is kind of fun you might as well warp the mirrors well it depends on which way they're being warped. That's true. Hot water in the rundown and, for lack of a better word, icky shower was spotty.

One had to be on guard for the possible scalding hot or ice cold water that may come at any second. That's part of the fun. Food. The food was okay. Best described by my companion as pub grub. You won't starve. The dining area is old. Old furniture, old fixtures, and the complete lack of rules meant often at dinner, one would be treated to the view of

someone's junk as they dined naked. Should be a rule requiring some minimum standard of dress in the dining area. Beach. The beach was nice and kept fairly clean. Common area. The grounds and pool areas were mostly clean. Again, though tired. Finding chairs and towels was a challenge. They seemed to run out of towels by noon most days. Nude side. We spent most days there. Fun people watching.

If you're a reasonably attractive swinger with some standards, don't be surprised if you don't hook up. We did meet some nice people, just not our types. The grotto is little more than a hole in the wall. Nothing special. Yes, I remember the grotto. I've read about this place. You've read about the Hedonism Grotto?

How do both of our stupid challenges lead us to this fucking same terrible, terrible place? I think it would make sense if they have a cruise that docks and then you go it was they were like oh and then we went to the grotto and i remember being so baffled i forget what my cruise what was my cruise challenge was about someone no no wasn't that where um someone yeah well i don't think it was where someone died i think it was where someone got a divorce you're right. That's what it was. That's why a lot of people went on this thing after they got divorced, and they went to the grotto, I remember. Okay.

This is horrible. Why are you bringing this back into my conscious memory? It's not over. Of course it's not. The, quote, hot tub at 2 a.m. is a myth. A lot of single guys waiting for invites. Staff. The staff was okay.

Not any better or worse than any other resort we have stayed at. Entertainment. Very typical resort entertainment. Again, nothing special. What is it? I want to know. About what one would expect from your typical high school production. What it lacked in talent was made up for in volume.

Very loud making dinner conversation difficult. If they had high schoolers performing at this beach i'm gonna really freak out this is not okay oh no i hope their shirt stayed on they were performing their basketball they were performing like a little shop of horrors at the fucking at the grotto so bad the single men waiting for invites just really loudly disco we went several nights only to leave. The place smelled of mold. The dance floor was overrun by naked people.

We weren't interested in dancing naked on a small, crowded dance floor. We're not prudes by any means, but after seeing these people naked all day, we didn't need to see it at night. End of review. I mean, do they bring any clothes on this trip? Or is it literally just like, well... That's the thing, yeah. You can just pack light, right? Just like a clothes for the plane.

I saw something else where like... And I think it's going to get to that later. Like some people complain. A lot of people who are working on construction at these places would just literally stare and g gawk at these people i mean yeah yeah it would be shocking if you were like brought in for a plumbing issue and then all of a sudden there were all these people dancing naked in the room next door but then i read another one where apparently the bellboy or supposedly the bellboy said to um there was a

couple and said to the husband about the wife, I would like to see her naked. Was she naked? No, she was not naked. But they were at a nude resort. Oh, no. So that was... What in the world? But then again, I feel like a bellboy who worked at a nude resort

would be better about saying things. You'd think. But I mean mean we've learned that you can't really trust again who knows trust a bellboy no that's not what i never trust a bellboy that's not what i said especially not in the grotto well okay that part i'll agree with but uh i mean the thing that i wonder is like i have no problem obviously with a nude entertain whatever you know do your thing but you you said that very eloquently whatever i don't know the right terminology you don't have any problem with it

i don't my question is if you're at the dining area and everyone's and there are naked people sitting in the chairs i'm like do they sanitize that like think about that i feel like it's a sanitary issue yeah when it comes to like dining, I mean, not like. Yeah. The grotto, I'm sure you can just kind of do whatever you want. But the, I don't know. See, I get that. But if you go to hedonism too, just expect the worst. I'm sorry.

When it comes to nudity. You mean H2, right? H2, yeah, sorry. Okay, okay, okay. With the Roman numerals. Naturally. Yeah. Yeah, do you want another Hedonism 2 review?

Absolutely not. Here's one from Mike, one star. Go for it. First and last trip to Hedo. We heard the rooms were old and worn, but the fun at the nude pool. And so, upon arrival, we unpack old and worn, but the fun at the nude pool. And so, upon arrival, we unpacked and went straight to the pool. Only to be kicked out because my

wife's unpredictable menstrual cycle arrived and was wearing a thong to hide the tampon string. No bottoms! The security guard announced in front of everyone, adding that if she had her period, she shouldn't even be in the pool. We went straight to the manager who said, rules are rules.

Truthfully, our five minutes at the nude pool was long enough. Imagine the people you would least want to see naked. Old, obese, creepy, drunk, a waste of time and money. Not to mention some images that will be forever seared into my memory. Quite the opposite of erotica, a complete turnoff. End of review. Wow. Wow. Wow. Quite the trip they had, huh? Mike. Yeah.

That makes for some interesting dinner conversation when you get back to Wyoming or wherever you're from. Philadelphia. Philadelphia. I just, I mean, I totally agree. Like, that's fucked up to be like, you can't wear bikini bottoms in this part of, I mean, I think that's kind of messed up if she's like, I have a reason for it. Yeah. Um, I don't get it.

Also, you can go, hey, contrary to what a lot of people think, you can absolutely go swimming if you're on your period. There's like, no, there's no, there's not a sanitary issue yeah so like no that was no that was not right to say that absolutely not but then he really did turn it into like a very off-putting the rest of his yes it's funny that instead of um letting out the frustration on the security guard and the actual resort he let it out on the other patrons who are just hanging out doing their thing i like how he's like you would not want to see people naked they're drunk and whatever and i'm like well you want to see like a bunch of sober people i don't think so mike no thank you oh god forbid that's a turnoff if i've ever heard one

oh my god this is wild yeah so you really hit the jackpot i did huh yeah but let's go let's get out of jamaica god oh my god not about jamaica i'll go there but just avoid the grotto at all costs yeah please so now we are going to um i don't know how to say it. I should have looked it up. It's usually, it's probably weird because it's in Oregon. Sauvie Island. Okay. It's, yeah, Sauvie Island. It's along the Columbia River.

Okay. Yeah. Lovely. It's nice. Sauvie Island and it's their nude beach. Okay. This is a review from Esther. Two stars.

Ironically, this beach is better than walton beach just down the street the sand is finer that's not a little wider okay just wait all right maybe it is i don't think it is the sand is finer a little whiter and the foliage looks better i don't think a parking permit is required. Didn't see any signs, whereas Walton Beach does require permits, but don't take my word for it. Nude beaches are really not my thing, and I'm glad I was wearing contact lenses that weren't fully corrected today.

End of review. She's like, thank God I put in my daughter's contacts by accident. Oh, man. I drove, I like how she's like, I couldn't tell if there's a parking pass needed because you're driving blindly down the parking lot by the way i couldn't see a thing today thank god thank god i blinded myself before i drove my car to this lovely pristine beach whose foliage i apparently can see very clearly oh my goodness here's another one of the same place by eva two stars can i just say this from over 11 years ago wow feels like a time capsule we're opening up um i don't know why i get

all weird about these yelp reviews that are so old the literal worst time capsule yeah it does make you think i'm like what was i doing 11 years ago while this person was like fuming about a nude beach just like such a strange yeah i should think about all the nude people i saw i wonder what they're up to now the pictures are from 11 years ago how are they doing uh the savvy island nude beach where to begin you will run into all kinds of people here from elderly leather-skinned octogenarians to well-endowed Jesus lookalikes. I wonder if Jesus the celebrity really was well-hung. Bad tattoos, scars, ingrown hairs. And once, my friend ran into a guy here who had elephantitis.

There are lecherous, lurking gross men in the bushes and packs of Latino men who gawk but don't strip. But the most traumatizing encounter ever is running into your old Bible school teacher all greased up on a blanket with a bunch of other sweaty men. Stop. True story. In the summer, I'm a nudist. In the winter, I'm a Buddhist. End of review. What?

I don't know. What is happening? This had a lot of religious connotations that I can't quite. End of review. What? I don't know. What is happening? This had a lot of religious connotations that I can't quite wrap my head around. Like, she saw... A little too deep for us, you're right. Was it... Who was it? Jesus.

No. Who wrote the review? Eva. Eva. She was like, I saw my Bible school teacher. Anyway, I wonder if Jesus was well hung. And it's like, you clearly went to a weird Bible school. Your teacher is buck naked.

Can you please put that banana pillow away from you? Thank you. It's comfortable. She's like, he was all greased up and nude on the beach. How traumatizing. I don't know. This is just wild to me. This is a wild, wild this is a wild wild thing

the wild wild pacific northwest oh zandy that was good thank you to me i don't know what finishing off strong with another portland area review okay this is of the world famous naked bike ride yes happens in portland oh i want to hear this this is a one- famous naked bike ride. Yes. Happens in Portland. Oh, I want to hear this. This is a one star review from Carrie. Lewd and lascivious behavior loosely discussed as a cultural event.

Okay. This seems to be a specialty of liberal paradises, such as Portland, Oregon must be a weird coincidence. Leave it up to Portland, Oregon. Must be a weird coincidence. Leave it up to Portland, Oregon, America's newest official cesspool, to come up with something so unwholesome and profane. I'm hardly a Puritan, but when you add up everything in this liberal paradise, you really do get a complete and total cesspool of a city. Human feces on the ground, people camping on the sidewalks,

hypodermic needles on the ground, almost as plentiful as chewing gum. With that being said, the naked bike ride doesn't add to the city in any way. It just takes away from what, at one point, was a decent place to be, and, God forbid, raise a family. End of review. P.S. I wonder if Jesus was actually well hung. These people have some issues, I tell you what. That's what, I truly feel that Portland is the place for the extremes. It must be.

I mean, I've never lived there. I've been there like 15 times or something. I don't know how many total. A good amount of times it feels like that like it's like either one way or the other i mean even when we read great though i love it so maybe i am on one side but we are obviously but we are definitely on that side of it for sure i mean who cares if a fucking naked bike ride isn't your thing then just like don't participate i I don't understand the problem. Guess what?

I wouldn't. But go for it. I mean, I get that like it's hipster and there are like barcades and like liberal bookstores. But first of all. It's a great place. I don't know. I know. I know.

I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know why I'm offended by reviews like this where it's like so clearly I don't. I shouldn't care what this person thinks. But I mean, even when we read bookstore reviews in Portland and they were like, they were like, they had like, what did they write? What did they say? Something about like, I was trying to tell them about the Bible and walking around.

Oh yeah, they got kicked out of a bookstore. For like preaching. For preaching. In the cafe or something. Yeah. I'm like, oh yeah. So I guess people people do they just move there to like as missionaries i bet a lot of those people have lived there oh and now it's just

becoming something they detest yes i see i i guess i don't know how it was back in the day of like when they when people grew up because i'm never the type to be like obviously like oh well then you shouldn't you should just move because obviously that's a fucking terrible argument and it doesn't yeah i mean we've talked about this before but also like it's just weird to write a review on the internet about why am i sad a naked bike race we were not we shouldn't be surprised i don't of all things that's the thing i was like i'm definitely gonna find a negative oh absolutely no and it does actually make a lot more sense that this person lived there for a long time because i was like if they just moved there then like yeah they've they've clearly misconstrued what yeah portland have not watched enough portlandia

no they have not yeah oh my god but um a liberal cesspool that's beautifully put we love you portland we do i love portland i've only been twice but i liked it a lot i haven't been to savvy island but i probably won't i won't but unless i put in maybe i'll go to the one down the the road that's uh not nude unless i put on blaze's prescription sunglasses and then there you go we'll just blind ourselves and we'll go nothing yeah all right thank you everyone that was fun that was fun number one in our uh little marathon yay um our theme is actually so i'm gonna give you a challenge but our theme is another patron yay oh my gosh you guys that's so nice of you to be our patrons thank you yes this is noah and noah noah was very accommodating he gave us his hometown was like but anything up there is fine okay and he didn't even give a theme he just really wanted at least one review from his hometown So this is what our theme will be. Okay. Our theme is wineries in Los Gatos, California.

Okay. We got a lot of California natives. I know. It's great, though. California. California has a lot of crazies. And a liberal cesspool, indeed, if I ever saw one. Who knows about this area?

That's what you never truly can tell with California. You really can't. That's a good point. I know a lot of people say it's all liberal. It very much isn't. It's not. I mean, go to Orange County and then get back to me. There we go.

So with these wineries, we're going to do Northern California. So we'll mostly try to stick to Los Gatos and do as many as we can from there. If we run out, we're going to go and do some other Northern California ones. So if you're from Northern California, maybe you have some new recommendations for wineries to visit soon. Well, oh, from us. Yes. I thought you meant they'll give us recommendations in the next 15 minutes.

I don't think so. Oh my God. Wait, sorry. I'm reading Noah's review. I mean, review Noah's uh message and it says you guys rock so damn hard which i've never gotten yeah we should have read more about noah noah was great noah also said gabrielle my better half says hello to the baron and baroness and of course christine 2020 thank you yeah there's a reason you didn't read it. Yeah, it was too much for you.

Okay, I have a challenge that was sent in by Mitchell. Okay. Mitchell says, love our podcast. Stumbled upon it on Spotify and binges it in unhealthy amounts at work. And at the end says, thanks, I'm off to find some garlic fries. Yay. So here is Mitchell's challenge suggestion. and at the end says, thanks, I'm off to find some garlic fries. Yay! So here is Mitchell's challenge suggestion. Find a restaurant that someone complained was too authentic. I like that.

Right? That's going to be really funny. That's a new one. I had not thought of that before. Thank you, Mitchell. Okay, i'll try my best well we'll see what we come uh come up with in the next 15 minutes this reminds me of uh the one that was like a review of a restaurant which the reviewer says food in america is better or something yeah yeah i feel like it's gonna be similar kinds of reviews like why is this mexican not tex-mex why is this Mexican not Tex-Mex?

Why is it actual Mexican food? Yeah, where's my cheddar cheese? Where are my Kraft singles on this burrito? All right. Gross. Okay. Well, thanks, Mitchell. We'll see you in 10 minutes.

Thanks, everyone. You'll see us in a week, and we'll record that episode very shortly. Bye. Bye. Bye.