Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don't let Louis out, we're happy he left his post at the winery for us. He just really loves when we take him on an exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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But I'd give it zero stars if I could. And we're back. Welcome to episode two of our recording saga, aka episode 47. Of Beach sandy water too wet the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion i was trying to harmonize but like volume very quietly pitch harmonize yeah um you were pitched down a little bit um this week's theme is wineries in los gatos california as requested by our 30 patron noah thank you noah oh that was creepy i didn't enjoy it it is creepy because we are close to halloween and that's the creepy factor you'll get from our show yes at least this week spooky ooky

whoa okay yep we are going off the rails here let's see um how was it for you oh it was fine good it was easy okay well i also gave you a challenge yeah that one was easy too okay the challenge was to find uh reviews of a restaurant in which the reviewer claims the restaurant is too authentic too authentic i love it yep I'm excited to hear what you found. But let's start with some reviews of wineries. Okay, you go first. So my first three are not in Los Gatos. They are in Saratoga, California. Which is close. Which is very close, right next door. I didn't just throw this back in Noah's face. No his face they are so they're of mountain winery which is a winery that has music and mountains mountains it has wine tasting weddings it's like

a huge thing yeah yeah like a huge venue so they have big shows as well like big concerts so here is a one-star review from paula paula says seat a6 where i sat is broken the plastic chair kept cutting into my leg, that I had to sit sideways. I was so uncomfy. I didn't stand until a lot later. I didn't like the way they treated the singer I was mostly there for. They cut him off, and the next act had three times more stage time. I mean, another singer broke his guitar string, so we had to wait. They didn't cut his time i even saw one of the staff throw the mic that the singer i was there for in the bush what how much why did she have

to drink well listen to this actually extremely expensive considering i paid 22 for a BLT and Pepsi. Oh, my. End of review. Oh, dear. Uh-huh. So she's sitting half ass off her chair. Yeah. Sideways, not looking at the stage, eating a $22 BLT. Yeah. Oh, my.

Having a time of her life. And, um... Poor Paola. Poor Paola. And poor Paola's daughter, who I bet was the opening act that she came for. I mean, it's not like they don't schedule these in advance like how much time the singers are up there for they don't of course they do oh they do i'm saying it's not like they don't do oh i see i see i see yeah it wasn't just like we're gonna throw your microphone in the bush the number of reviews i read that were one star reviews saying they cut the singer off

right at 10 30 the reason why is because they have to they don't have a choice it's like according to the city i think they do it legally to have make everyone have a bad time actually literally why would they even want that like why would they i don't know they just saw paula bleeding profusely from her leg wound and we're like we got to figure out a way to get her out of here if we throw all the musical equipment in the bushes she'll be oh my god she bought a $20 BLT so she can't get rid of paola i don't really understand the whole microphone in the bush thing um i don't see why that would ever be necessary unless the singer is that bad yeah i do feel like it's one of those things where maybe somebody dropped it and in her head she's like did you see what she just did i want to i want this singer to be the

victim so how can i play this on yelp later my daughter and i are gonna write the meanest yelp review um all right my turn yes okay so this is a review of beagard Vineyards. It's a two-star review by Archie. Okay, these names. Beauregard and Archie? Beauregard Vineyards. Review written by Archie. Archibald. Archibald.

Archibald Beauregard. Oh, God. Okay, continue. I'm sorry. Table wines remind me of the Olive Garden. Back in high school, many a lady was taken to the garden for a lovely tray of appetizers, pasta, and crayon doodles. Why is he bringing ladies that need the crayons to Olive Garden? It's just Archie's way.

It's Archie's way or the highway. Is that what they call it? I don't like it. Given that most of the waitstaff all went to high school with me, the table wine flowed freely. Oh no, I hate this. Yeah, it was shitty, but it got the job done. But in the years that passed, I've graduated from table wines at the garden to midday wine tasting in the Santa Cruz mountains. Wine tasting is great. The friendly staffers with their ample pours of great undiscovered wines is what I love best about. Oh, wait, none of that pertains to Beauregard. Oh, I was like, where the hell is this going? It was almost as if the dude pouring for us was more concerned with collecting the $5 fee than actually being hospitable.

Much like a $2 Thai massage, the entire tasting was unapologetically rushed. Oh, and yeah, they offered up their goes-great-with-barbecue-chicken table wine during the tasting. Are they serious? Table wine? Great, thanks for the bottom-of-the-barrel leftovers. I really want to buy a case of that. Bad wine, garbage service, unfriendly people. Unless there are unlimited breadsticks next time i won't be back vinegar end of review gotta throw that in there it was like one of those enter enter vinegar like he almost missed it oh gosh he thinks he's so funny huh oh he is though archibald archibald are you kidding yeah he and i had many times at the garden together.

Oh, he brought you back to his garden? He brought me back to... I didn't get it at first. I'm so slow. And I was reading it like, ew, like he took them to... And then he wrote, quote unquote, the garden. And I was like, this is so creepy. Then I realized he meant Olive Garden.

Yeah. But at first I was like... We're better to deflower someone than... Stop! What is the matter with you? It's Archibald's way for a lovely tray of appetizers oh my god it's just creepy anyway so he was comparing olive garden to this i why where did that come in i don't know i think he just wanted to brag about how what a baller he was

in high school high school girls to olive garden yep But he's since graduated to wine tasting in the Santa Cruz Mountains. That's my Archibald impression. Oh, I hated it. I'm very glad you didn't do the entire thing in that voice. Me too. It hurt my throat a little bit. Okay, here's another one of that mountain winery place. Okay.

This is by Paul. One star. Hidden $25 parking fee after paying. $200 per ticket. Main act didn't go on until 9, and then they shut down everything at 10. So I paid $225 to see a band for an hour. Was it worth it? I don't know, but they need to be forthcoming about the extra $25 for parking.

One way in, one way out. I've been sitting in traffic after the concert for two hours now and i'm still in the parking lot very unhappy about this venue and it's chilling in his car so those two hours stuck in the parking lot still has not given him time enough to decide whether it was worth it to spend 225 literally still doesn't know i'm not sure is it worth it's going to be one of those updated reviews like six hours later, finally home. Decided it absolutely was not worth it.

They have some legitimate shows there. Like what? They had Iron and Wine there. Oh, I get it. Oh. That wasn't even meant as a joke. That was when Dad's Steel Convention was in town. That wasn't even meant as a joke.

That was when Dad's steel convention was in town. He was up on stage with them. This is terrible. They have comedians, Bill Burr, Nick Offerman are there in October. I did see some. I mean, it makes sense. Like if I were doing it and I was like, if I were performing somewhere. You'd want to do it at a winery one i would absolutely do it at one somehow it just occurred to me i never have and i'm a little bit irritated with my agent now so well after this one calling my agent it's your agent speaking

hello this is christine lead singer of iron and wine two junior oh interesting oh yeah you make a really good uh i have a couple steel uh conventions you can perform at does that sound good bernie sheafers in mason ohio okay sorry we're back i'm back this is a one-star review of Byington Vineyard by Kathleen. Lewis is gone. Does anyone know what happened? What? Sorry, there's more. Oh.

Lewis is gone. Does anyone know what happened? Lewis is the reason my family and I bring our guests to Byington. Certainly the grounds are beautiful and the wine is fine, but it was a great staff especially lewis that kept us coming back where's lewis now and when was this do we know where he is nobody responded where's lewis no i'm nervous somebody marked it helpful and i was like how is that helpful i need to know where lewis is the fbi saying okay he definitely is missing he's definitely not in the santa cruz mountains yes as we suspected oh i miss lewis so much lewis must have been really good at his job you know assuming that's what that yeah yeah well archibald probably took him back to the garden and he never came back oh god stop

okay lewis's flower i like how there was just like a separate paragraph just like where is lewis now is this some weird kind of uh murder mystery party she's trying to stir up that's a fun idea like kind of oh don't do that through google and yelp reviews though please the but The butler did it. Okay. God. Can you imagine some sort of game where you have to sit through all these reviews? Yeah, it's called our stupid podcast. That's literally what we do.

I would hate. It's literally our podcast. All right. I have another one from Clifford, one star. These names. Purchase tickets six months in advance to see ABBA. Oh! Mm-hmm.

2.0. Starring Christine. Drove two hours to discover a group of people upset and arguing at the entrance. Apparently, we were not the only attendees who felt duped. Event workers assured us that, quote, ABBA the concert was a very good group and we wouldn't be disappointed. Stop. Stop. Oh, no. Oh, how wrong they were. Number one, ABBA the concert started 20 minutes late. Number two, although the costumes were correct, the male lead singer must have had his fitted 30 to 40 pounds ago. Three, the sound mixing was so bad that the keyboards and drums were so overpowering that the vocals couldn't be heard.

Four, the left speakers cracked and sounded as if one or more were blown out. Abba the concert was such a poor excuse for an Abba want-a-bee that my entire party walked out in the middle of their third song. The only redeeming valley for the evening was that leaving early meant there was no traffic on the way home. And, as been said by others, the food was expensive, not very good, and who pays $25 for a glass of wine at a winery? Would I go back?

Not on your life. Could you imagine? John Lennon was supposed to open for them. I've never... Like, I couldn't imagine being that tricked into that. In what way do you mean that? Literally thinking, oh my god, I'm about to see ABBA showing up to the show. And that's when you realize it's not actually them.

That's pretty bad. I'm wondering how that happened. It's pretty, pretty bad. That's pretty bad. But I mean, the fact that like other people were also confused. Supposedly. Supposedly. Also, I mean.

Yelpers love doing that. They're like, everyone else had the same problem. I just feel like if a local winery is like, oh, ABBA the, what is it? The Concert. ABBA the Concert. Okay. They like if a local winery is like, oh, Abba the, what is it? The Concert. Abba the Concert. Okay, they could have come up with a more, a clearer name. But, I mean, I feel like it probably said in the email. No?

Maybe not. I assume the description. I assume in every single, so the fact that they didn't ask for a refund and wouldn't get a refund is probably because they looked at it later and were like well shit it says everywhere that i didn't even look you know but then again should you have to i don't know say that uh abba's final tour was called abba the tour so it is a little misleading and then the website of the tribute band is called abba the concert the closest to the real abba you'll ever get. Oh, man. Yeah, it's a little misleading, I would say. I think they were hoping people would drink enough of the $25 wine where they wouldn't notice.

Nobody's going to drink enough of the $25 wine, except maybe Archibald. They will be performing. Oh, it's our lucky day. They'll be performing at the Ultimate Disco Cruise 2020 in Miami, Florida. That's exciting. Wait, which one? Which one? ABBA the concert?

Yes. Is ABBA the tour, is ABBA the real still working? Is ABBA the hut working? ABBA the hut? Not that I know. ABBA concert. It's just going to take you back to the ultimate disco cruise. No, it's literally all ABBA the concert.

They have great reviews. Maybe they just had a bad sound system. Yep. That is a very big disappointment to have all your, you're like taking all your friends with you. Two hour drive. The whole time listening to abba like getting pumped up oh that's rough sneaking a couple wine spritzers okay let's see i now have a review of a place called testarossa winery

this is a one-star review by sam and it also has a business owner's response oh good i know we've Sam says, and disgusted to find the back of a band-aid in our cheese platter. I notified the staff and they knew exactly what it was. He did apologize and said they'd bring us something else. We waited 30 minutes for a new dish. At that point, we decided to leave. Not acceptable. Here's the business owner's response. Hi Sam. In looking at the supervisor's notes from this incident, what appeared to be a band-aid was the clear wax rind from the toma cheese, which should have been owner's response hi sam in looking at the supervisor's notes from this incident what appeared to be a band-aid was the clear wax rind from the toma cheese which should have been cut away yes this absolutely should have been discussed with you and i sincerely apologize that that did not happen i would love the opportunity to discuss this further and make

it right end of review end of response you know to be fair that is very specific that the back of a band-aid not not a band-aid the back of a band-aid you know when the the rind of a cheese is like that kind of clear plasticky thing like that's what it was yeah and um yeah yeah yuck that is pretty yucky and i can't believe they didn't tell them because that would be the biggest relief to be like no that's just a piece of cheese not a band-aid yeah that's repulsive anyway so i thought that was kind of funny that it was very specific cheese that it came from the rind of the toma cheese maybe they took a picture and google reverse image what cheese does this look most like it was like band-aid band-aid in my shoe soup i don't know band-aid-Aid in my shoe. What? Soup. I meant soup. I don't know.

Band-Aid. Band-Aid in my shoe, guys. What is going on? Okay. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

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My next one is of Regale? Regal? Winery? Okay. R-E-G-A-L-E. Looks like a place you don't belong. No. Regale? Stop. Stop. winery okay r-e-g-a-l-e looks like a place you don't belong no regale stop stop this is by albie one star told us to leave because we came with a kid but first they let us walk in and then made a big deal out of it when we were looking for seats other nearby places don't have that issue end of review so they're upset that they let them walk in the front door basically upset there's no bouncer to

be like hey it's not allowed and they were looking for seats and then they were they made a big deal out of it probably because they're like why why is your child in here when they're your child is not allowed it's like a drinking it's like when people review bars and they're like, they wouldn't let my child in. And he was hungry for mozzarella sticks. And I'm like, this is not the place for that. There were a lot about dogs, like whether dogs can be allowed. And most do let you bring a dog. And there was one that didn't because the owners had dogs that they were like, we don't

want them to interact with other people's dogs. And somebody, I mean, people were so upset and like just angry. Ridiculous. had dogs that they were like we don't want them to interact with other people's dogs and um somebody i mean people were so upset and like just angry and like i mean most places in this country you can't bring a dog but they wrote somebody wrote like and we were just keeping her under the picnic table and she wasn't peeing on the porch or anything and i was like this seems like a very specific incident a pretty low bar. A pretty low bar. Actually, they said urinating on the porch. Oh, as long as my dog's not urinating on your porch, she should be here.

We shouldn't have a problem. That's so ridiculous. Yeah, because people, I don't know, get so up in arms about it. But what? It's their business. It is, yeah. And they were like, well, I bring my dog everywhere. And I'm like, well, I mean, obviously you don't because you can't bring your dog, unless obviously it's, you know, a service dog or registered support dog.

You can't bring your dog into, I don't know. A lot of places. You can't bring your dog into like most establishments. I mean, I get that like a lot of places are that are outdoors, but still. Still. Anyway, there was one that said that they left their dogs outside and then would run back and forth inside to drink the wine and run back out. Oh, my God.

One by one. And then they got in trouble because they were like, ended up drinking some of the wine outside. And they were like, you have to pay to drink the wine on the patio. And you're just running. And they're like, no, we're just one by one. They got caught doing that thing. Oh, my God. So silly.

Anyway, my turn? Yeah. Okay. silly anyway um my turn yeah uh okay this is the same the same uh place testa testa rosa winery two-star review by stephanie food is okay setting is okay rose absolutely not good don't take the rose when the waitress offered us another glass of rosé i started laughing end of review what a nasty response that's so rude she just literally offered her another glass of wine oh it's so sad that's which by the way means she drank it all so yeah come on it can't be that bad anyway that's that's so mean like why would you even like admit that yeah i i just went wine tasting a couple weeks ago for the first time ever it was incredible and the people serving the wine

and pouring the wine the nicest people and i had no idea what i was doing i was like i am so out of my element here and we went to like four or five different places and i feel like that's rare because a lot of times at least i was reading like you know people who are in their 20s and like a bachelorette party comes in and they're like they didn't take us seriously i'm like yeah because he said you already told everyone you were a drunk bachelorette party so i read a lot of people who are in their 20s like i can't get anyone to take me seriously like i'm not here to just get wasted like i want to buy wine so i feel like it's probably a weird line yeah i mean jp and i went in and just were like admittedly didn't know anything and i i thought that i it was going to be like really

snobby and they gave us like freaking cheetos with our wine one place did this i was literally posted a picture like cheese and wine that's what they said they said we pair we pair our wines with cheese so here's some cheetos and here's some nachos with the nacho cheese and um we asked all these questions because we knew nothing and they were like so nice well where were you by the way because it sounds like santa barbara okay which is one of those places where i think of and i'm like oh don't belong there waity toity waity toity but no everyone was like like they're all just wearing jeans and t-shirts and love their wine. Is that where Louis is now? Oh my God, Louis escaped.

That's what happened. He made it to Santa Barbara. Finally. Eating Cheetos and nacho cheese at Artiste. All right, this is, oh no, you have one. Yeah, I'll do one. Loma Prieta Winery. Okay. This is by Leong.

Two stars. Yes, the views are wonderful. That's about it. Wines were not too impressive. They offer self-serve salami and cheese snacks, but I noticed it was attracting flies. Several people even helped themselves to the snacks with their fingers instead of using the provided toothpicks. Yuck! End of review.

It is pretty gross. It is gross. But it's not the provided toothpicks. Yuck. End of review. It is pretty gross. It is gross. But it's not the people's fault. When they provide the toothpicks. That's true. They can't help it if people don't use them. It just attracts, you know, swine. Swine?

Like low, like dregs of society. People below your standards. Correct. your your standards correct yeah you know describe these people salami brings them in salami does it yeah yeah and and uh is that why in the basement you have that like all the salami just sitting out hanging to draw people into your my teen greeters your your your weird dungeon my wine cellar i mean listen i don't i've never been down there i haven't gotten locked in i haven't gotten locked down there yet not yet but i can smell it you can so that's how i know there's so much salami down there it's cooking it's cooking what are you doing i'm not a barbarian you're okay okay it's just

cooking like boiled salami? What are we doing down there? Yes, it's steaming. Describe it. It's steaming. Steamed salami. It's steaming. Describe that process to us.

Yeah, yeah. And please tell us why the teen greeters love it so much. When it's steamed in particular. Why don't you ask them yourself? I refuse to go down there. Yeah, you're too good for them. I know. I refuse to be an accomplice. Yeah, you're too good for them, I know. I refuse to be an accomplice to your weird thing going on down there.

You're having a great time. Never going to your garden. Oh, my garden of boiled salami. Okay. I'm going to read the next review. We're painting a picture here, huh? This is the worst picture that's ever been painted. Okay, this is a once-over review by Anna of Black Ridge Vineyards.

Yelp says closed, but drove by and it was open. We stood in line to start our tastings, and man working there told us, what's up? Wait, what? As you can probably guess, things just devolve from here i like the start who in customer service even says that if you know we are there to do wine tasting why would you ask us what's up we did our tasting and first red wine was amazing but i refuse to purchase a wine bottle that i really like from someone who asks me what's up what not even kidding oh my god i feel bad for these people i know it's like you can't win you really can't nice lady did serve one of the four times and she was a sweetheart end of review oh so she's calling this person someone else's sweetheart which like i don't

appreciate when people do that because i find it belittling most of the time um so sweetheart she's allowed to call her people but someone asked what's up and she's like beyond offended that this is so inappropriate how many stars was this um one what i'm not kidding she said she loved the wine but she refuses to purchase wine from someone who asks her what's up. You don't have to buy it. I can't tell if she's mad that the person is being rude or if she's more mad that the person asks what's up and she's like, you know what's up because I'm here for a wine tasting. Like it's a dumb question. Because she did say, if you know we are there to do wine tasting why would you ask me what's up but

how would they know that necessarily idiotic i mean you could be asking for information about that location and whether or not that it's a venue that you can use for other things you could be there just to buy wine you could be there for so many other reasons just say what's up because it's a greeting to have one glass of wine instead of doing the whole tasting but i mean what's up doesn't mean like what are you doing here it means like hey what's up how are you gosh anyway in my world anyway which my world as i've just described is pretty weird and off so poor employees uh later gonna go in for his uh employee review oh this guy yeah and they're gonna say well what did you do wrong this month i said what's up to someone i mean it reminds me of those reviews we read uh in jacksonville

the tech stores where somebody asked what's up or what's up it was the same thing somebody asked what's up or what's up and he's like i am a veteran you do not ask me what's up and it's like what are you so angry about the person's saying hello to you. I don't get it. Anyway. The tattooed man said, was up. I hate that. I'm sure he did. Was up. Well, thankfully, I do have one redemption. Oh, great.

It is of Testa Rosa Winery. That's where we just were. Mm-hmm. I know. This is from Lucy. Five stars. Okay. Absolutely wonderful.

Thoroughly recommend. Excellent presentation and superb staff who know their stuff. Thank you, Wendy. And gorgeous young woman with the fabulous tattoos. Enjoy Napa. End of review. Aw. Because you just said tattoos and I'm like, yep.

Uh-huh. I'm so sick of reading these one-star reviews where people talk down about tattoos. And then they're like, not that I mind tattoos, but she was covered in tattoos. I'm no prude. I'm no prude. But when I go to a nude resort, I expect less nudity. Yeah. I don't want to see that kind of nudity.

When I go to a winery, I expect to see fewer forearms with ink on them. Oh, sickening, isn't it? It's disgusting. Just reaching right for that salami. So I found it very refreshing to read a five-star review where someone mentioned someone's... Beautiful art. Yeah, wonderful tattoos. I love it.

That makes me happy. Are you going to make it sad here? Do you have another one? Um, yeah. Well, they're not all that bad. Yeah, well, they're not all that bad. My challenge was to find reviews of a restaurant in which the reviewer claims the restaurant is too authentic. I'm so sorry, but I have a lot.

Good. A lot. Okay. I'm ready. Putting my phone away. Put it away. We're riding right into Petoskey, Michigan. Lay it on me. Petoskey, Michigan.

With some salami. Gross. El Ranchero Mexican Restaurant in Petoskey, Michigan. Three star review by Will. It wasn't that great a food in my opinion. I like cheddar cheese, not white cheese. It tasted too much like real Mexican food. Some will like that, but I like cheddar cheese, not white cheese. It tasted too much like real Mexican food.

Some will like that, but I like the more Americanized Mexican food. Good service, though, and nice atmosphere. Worth trying, and just see for yourself. End of review. Okay. Worth trying. Three stars. Yeah.

That's something. All right. Oh, no. This one is called Island Vibes on Main in Spartanburg, South Carolina. We are on a tour. I love that. We're going to go everywhere in the United States. What was that first place?

Petoskey? Petoskey, Michigan. I hope we have a listener in Petoskey who's just like, what? It's like you're pronouncing it wrong. It's what they're going to say. I'm sure of it. I'm just sure of it. We get that a lot, and that's okay.

Four stars by Rudy. Authentic Jamaican food. Well, maybe a bit too authentic. Having lived in Florida for 40 years, I have had authentic Jamaican food before, and this certainly qualifies as authentic. All capital letters. But here's my problem. If I were in the island at a street-side cafe on the poor side of town,

I would expect to have a lot of bones with my curried goat. If I'm paying top dollar at a tourist resort or top restaurant, I would expect to have less bones and more goat. The taste was very good, but for the price, I expected to have more goat and less bones. I will probably go again soon, as I am interested in trying their jerk shrimp and curried chicken, but I will be staying away from the curried goat. The beef patty I had was very good, hot enough to make it distinguishable as a Jamaican patty, but not too hot.

End of review. Well, this is a little expert. Oh, Rudy? Yeah. If I have to hear the phrase goat and bones or bones and goat, that was too much. Less bones, more goat. That's too much. Less goat, more bones.

I'm not, yeah, not tempted by that. bones, more goat. That's too much. Less goat, more bones. I'm not, yeah, not tempted by that. No, not really. Goat bones. That's so bad. It's so bad. I also like that the most of the things, or most of the insinuations are that when food is authentic, it's like worse. Like it has more bones and it's just shittier ingredients. I mean, you'll see there's a lot of that. Okay, this is Anita's Mexican Grill in West Palm Beach, Florida. Two stars by R. After hearing friends rave about Anita's, I decided to give it a try on a recent business lunch.

After all, I love good Mexican food. Well, I'm pretty sure I just realized that I don't actually like Mexican food. Self-aware, I guess. A little delayed self-awareness, but sure. A little bit. I just realized I don't actually like Mexican food, if this is it. So this is not the place if you like fajitas, quesadillas, chips, and salsa, etc. The burrito I had just struck me as being poor quality ingredients and the restaurant

didn't seem well kept kind of dirty end of review that's which means it's authentic is what they're saying that's what they consider authentic oh yeah well you know oh man they know what they're talking about i thought that was kind of funny at first then it just got bad yep that's usually how these go kind of like my life goes um this is it's's funny and bad, yeah. I mean, it starts out funny. It's like, oh, it's funny that that happened. Then it's like, well, now I have to deal with the consequences. It's bad. Well, buckle up because we're flying to the Netherlands.

What? How fun. Yeah. We're going to Han Ting Chinese restaurant in the Netherlands. Where in the Netherlands? I don't know. Okay. Actually, I do.

I just didn't know how to pronounce i know that's why i want you to pronounce it the hague oh yeah that's fine that's what i thought but i was like i don't want to say it wrong as an american that i will say that's right well i will say that i've been saying thot instead of thought and ever since i've been really for the record you mean mean T-H-O-T, not T-H-O-U-G-H-T? I've been thoughtfully saying the word thought as thought, and I just learned on air with M that I was saying it wrong. Really? Yeah, I'm really ignorant to the youth slang.

And so it's really bad. I know it is. And so anyway, ever since I've been very insecure. So we're in the Hague. Okay. Or the Hog. We'll see. The Hog and Doss. So we're in the Hague. Okay. Or the Hog. We'll see. The Hog and Doss.

That's where it gets its name. I see. Hog and Doss. Isn't that an American company, though? I don't know. I'm pretty sure it is. Don't ask me questions. Never again.

The youth need to know. They don't. They really don't. Okay. Okay, this is the three-star review by Garrig. We went to Han Ting for an early dinner. We were pleased that all the other dinners were Chinese. And I believe they meant diners.

Oh. Oh, no. We were pleased that all the other diners were Chinese, which is always a good sign. They were all enthusiastically enjoying their dinner. We ordered what looked interesting on the menu, but the flavors were quite different to what we are used to eating. Too authentic Chinese for us. End of review. Oh gosh. Yeah. So next up is Maria's Restaurant in Berlin, New Jersey. Three-star review by Ness. We have been looking for a good Mexican restaurant in the area, Berlin, New Jersey. So far, we hadn't had any luck. Maria's was recommended to us by a mexican man working at our

local car wash we did not go right away okay i'm glad they sat on it first can he be trusted yeah restaurant recommendations i don't know honey i don't know these windows are pretty street free a few weeks later driving around the neighborhood we happened to pass maria's and it being lunch hour we decided to try it. We received a small bowl of chips and ordered various types of enchiladas. The chips and salsa were just okay, and the enchiladas were bereft of taste and flavor. This place was described as authentic Mexican cuisine, and maybe it is. Our search for good Mexican food continues in South New Jersey.

Just the insinuation that like, oh, it must be authentic because it has no flavor whatsoever. But we, so we got to keep looking for something less authentic. I don't think that's how that works at all. Ay yi yi. Anyway. Let's see. Tacos El Gordo in Las Vegas, Nevada. That sounds good.

Two stars. That sounds so good. So does this. Two stars. That sounds so good. So does this. Two stars by Casino Ace. Isn't that the name of the guy from Hilary Duff? What? Movie. Gordo.

Oh, Gordo. I know what Gordo means in Spanish. I'm just saying. Yes, it is. I thought you meant Casino Ace. I was like, I don't think so. Casino Ace. Perhaps.

Perhaps. That's his Italian counterpart. Oh, yeah. From the movie. Mm-hmm. Two stars. Casino Ace. Perhaps. Perhaps. That's his Italian counterpart. Oh, yeah. From the movie. Two stars by Casino Ace. Too authentic for this gringo. My coworker who loves this place has wanted me to go here for some time now. Sharing the same birthday, I figured, why not?

Let's go. I'll admit, I had mixed feelings going in. I checked out the menu, and for a guy who's used to the American fast food Mexican places, you know them. I felt a bit out of my element. Beef tongue, beef brains, beef guts, what was I getting myself into? But then again, ranked 39 out of 4,000 restaurants in Las Vegas? So I played it safe with the carne asada tacos, and my friend went for the tripa parentheses beef guts capitalized tacos which he did get me to try a bite of i also noticed a chorizo taco on the menu so i figured i would give that one a try too the price was very reasonable the atmosphere was nice and the

employees friendly unfortunately for the gringo my palate is a bit used to the safe americanized mexican fast food chains. Still, the salsa was good, and if they diced up some of those peppers and added it to the tacos, it would have added some flavor. End of review. Oh, so he's giving them a little advice from his... He says, I know how to spice up your palate. I won't eat your food, but i will tell you how to prepare it is absolutely disgusting but if you add some green peppers to it and also just like it's a self-aware

person it is pretty self-aware and but i mean just keep saying beef guts it's like okay well yeah if you give it a connotation like that that's true i mean and then i get so irritated when people are like so grossed out by something like sure sure. Okay. You know what? I love anchovies. Whatever. Things like that. And people stop it. People get so grossed out. And I'm like, do you know what's in your freaking bologna or whatever the hell you're eating?

Like processed hot dogs. Don't even talk to me. Yeah. If you watch one of those YouTube videos. Oh, yep. I'm telling you. It's true. Just drives me crazy.

Or I bought this. I mean, it sounds gross, but I bought, I think I've literally talked about this on this show, probably. But I bought this vegetarian bologna and everyone is so repulsed. And I'm like, do you have any idea what's in real bologna? I was, I was, I was repulsed, but I'm also repulsed by regular bologna. Fair, fair, fair. But I tried it and it was delicious it's good

right it tasted just like i remember i haven't had bologna in a long time but it tastes exactly how i remember you're full of it so just look at him look at him here okay dad okay uh this is one by uh cat two-star review of la barquita restaurant in phoenix arizona i wanted to try this place because of the reviews. Next time I'll keep driving next door to Rosita's. I've been Americanized. I like yellow cheese on my Mexican food. And then there's a picture that, so they put three pictures.

Definitely looks like your classic Americanized Mexican food to me. Yeah. It's basically a gigantic burrito covered in cheese. Yeah. Okay. mexican food to me yeah it's basically a gigantic burrito covered in cheese yeah okay and then it says there's a pic of quote red burrito combo with the caption very authentic too authentic for us then a picture of the cheese enchilada with the caption they use the white cheese what oh my god what yeah a lot of people have an issue with the cheese it's amazing i did not know

people are that picky about cheese and don't get me wrong i understand there are some like nasty cheeses some of them look like band-aids i've heard yeah true true and there it's something for everyone but the difference between the american fast food like shredded mexican fast food shredded yellow cheese and like something you'd get enough like come on it's beyond me and it's not like it looks funky i mean it's white cheat whatever it's just i don't get it so two star review because of that yes yes bring your own cheese okay now i'm done with reviews i did find um a lovely thread on yelp which it's glorious the times that we go so far into these episodes and i completely forget that these exist the forums on yelp yeah and then one day i'll have a challenge or a theme

and i'll happen to stumble upon them and my life is pulled right back into the abyss. Those forms are nuts. It's bad. Yeah. So Will in Long Beach started a thread on Yelp, and this is what it says. I've just came back from a B-Day lunch. It was a Korean place. The waitress didn't speak a lick of English. Friends of mine have also been to Mexican restaurants where the people taking the order speak broken English.

Does this experience just come with the authenticity of the place, or should they at least get the people taking the order to speak some English? And of course, the responses were sickening. Oh my god. Someone's like, well, considering English is the official language of the United States, and then like four people were like, it's actually not because there is no official language. And yuki responded no english isn't too authentic it's bad business if you want to market authentic in your servers make them fake the accent of whatever ethnicities food you're selling no english no thanks wow so we've had we have both sides no those are both wait wait no are they being sarcastic no she's not being sarcastic i'm confused then she says no english isn't authentic it's bad business oh i'm misunderstanding that

okay if you want to market authentic in your servers just make them fake the accent of whatever ethnicity but speak perfect english but with an accent fake the accent oh no english no thanks and then her uh you know rationale reasoning was my parents came from a foreign country and they struggled so i get to say that other people need to speak english and it's like okay what they struggled enough so now i have a say on all of that she's like they came to america with five hundred dollars and they may they succeeded in this country so that's ridiculous it's really bad yeah probably because they got called out right yuki probably and then that's when they started throwing that

shit around other people from other countries were saying like well no like my family owns a restaurant it's really hard for the older people to learn english if they've just moved to united states and then yuki's like well i also have family who came to the united states and i don't agree with you anyway yeah that is bad so there's that so i mean i knew i'd come up with that i was very surprised pleasantly surprised that most of the reviews were quite self-aware and positive um some were that even positive saying like four stars because it was a little too many bones in my goat i don't think that's what they said it's basically what they said i don't want to hear it more bones let's go let's go more bones maybe it's just okay yeah you know what yeah anyway that's that that was good though you did a good job you had a lot too there were a lot

more and i was like i need to just stop like i need to just yeah tone it down i'm gonna go way off the deep end here um yeah so that's that well thank you thank you mitchell so welcome and thank you for finding those wonderful reviews you're so welcome so're done. Okay, so now it's time to reveal our special theme. Yes, we have a very special theme. It's very on brand. It is a Halloween-y episode. We're going to do a two-part Halloween special bonanza. That's exactly what we would call it. That's what it's called. Yeah. I already made the brochures. And we are going to start off, we are going to start off we're going to kick it off with next the next episode and the theme is going to be halloween stores in virginia beach virginia because we have not done virginia yet we have not that's true yeah kind of surprising but kind of but i think hopefully we'll get a lot of

good uh pop-up halloween stores especially at this time of year open right now yeah um and then i also have a challenge for you oh which is also halloweeny oh it came from the jar which is nurse kelly and james and it was it is to find a review in which the reviewer claims to have cast a spell what oh my god okay that is perfect sab. Sabrina. That was in the jar? That's amazing. Okay. Yeah. Like a Halloween thing.

Okay. That's like Halloween-y. Well, I think Nurse Kelly also listens to them. That's why we drink. So there are a lot of like... Remember, there are like... That's true. ...funeral and corpse ones.

There are some weird ones in there. A lot of them seem to fit the Halloween theme. Very true. But that one's very spooky-ooky. So... Yeah, perfect. We're going to do that next. And then the week after, we're going to crank it up and do some more halloween themes that one is probably gonna be even more halloweeny

so don't be a weenie and tune in stop it so buckle up buckle up everyone and we will talk to you then bye Bye.