Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests are. Well guess what, we're not going to spoil the greatest surprise since that time Alex filled a pinata full of beans. But to entice you, here's a preview of what's to come: head lice, 666, ritual sacrifices, roast beef, Joe Bish, chainsaw butt thrusts, and Spooky Kama Sutra. Enjoy this SpOoKy OoKy exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them! And a very special thank you to our guests for making this our BEST episode yet! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to fulfill our dream of chatting with you live on video.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by dAmbient and BrN. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests, and of course they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people

who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, it's Halloween time. Yay! Spooky time. Spooky ooky time. Welcome to our very special Halloween edition of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. It's an extravaganza.

It is, and it's quite extravagant over here, as always. As always, yes. As always. What's our theme this week? Oh my goodness, our theme is spooky ooky. what's our theme this week oh my goodness our theme is spooky hooky our theme is halloween things halloween event halloween in salem massachusetts spooky spots i think that's what we settled on spooky spots in salem massachusetts sure the triple s i'm glad you got rid of your lisp when you were a child because that would have hurt i mean i'm pretty sure that hurt either way um that was pretty bad but spooky spots in salem so spooky spots in salem it is

the spookiest town i've never been i've always wanted to go a lot of people because my other podcast message me and say any recommendations for salem and i'm like i've literally never been there so i have no clue but i'm sure, actually, I've gotten quite a taste of what's good and what's not. Yeah, we've learned a lot about Salem. And this theme is all thanks to Amy. Oh, yeah, that's right. Amy recommended this because it's her hometown. Yeah, she requested Salem.

That's pretty cool. I don't know why you moved but um sounds like a cool place to be i do after reading these reviews actually yeah and i feel like it must be a pain in the ass to have tourists everywhere all the time i can't go into hollywood anymore here because it's just like oh yeah it's one of those things you see and then you're like oh never want to go back there again and then you end up getting a job there and have to work in downtown hollywood for a year and you hate it yeah it's just like that just like that i'm sure you all understand i've never had that experience no way i'm sure you guys all um can relate so anyway should we start spookiness let's start with some spookiness

okay oh we also have special guests later on they're not here yet oh well and we had a hint on instagram we did and you guys are really bad at it. Yeah. To be fair, I didn't get it. You had to explain it to me. It's like a triple layer. It is a triple. I realized. There's three layers to it. Some of you created a new layer that we didn't even see. Mm-hmm.

So you'll see if you're right or wrong. Yeah. I mean, probably if you read the show notes, you already figured it out, but it's fine. Oh, yeah. We'll probably mention that in there. Okay. Let's go. You go first, probably, because you have more, I think.

Yeah. Let's start off at Salem Night Tour. okay let's go uh you go first probably because you have more i think yeah let's get uh start off at salem night tour this is a one-star review by kathy terrible i think the poor old guy had head lice he was scratching his scalp like mad and flitting his long gray hair all around not to mention it was very boring and we couldn't wait for it to end end of review just gross just not what you want to read it is very scary and horrific and uh spooky oh yeah i mean it's frightening if if someone's flitting uh head lice all around lice and potential flakes or whatever is coming off of that gross i think that you reacted more to the flakes than you did to the lice because it's grosser it is yeah you really think it's his

skin it's his skin flakes i disagree well let us know in the comments below uh that's pretty foul i'm gonna be honest with you i had that same review what from yelp did they put post that on yelp as well that's hilarious which they must somebody not everyone does that but like i love that the one that they double posted was about the guy's headlights it wasn't even like they probably thought it was such a unique thing and a unique opportunity for them to share with the world that's crazy we never get it's very rare that i even see them and when i do it's usually like a huge problem this person had that they want to spread awareness but like they usually say you can also find my review on trip advisor yelp you can't

stop me facebook i'm craig craigslist uh my own personal twitter page the dinner table where my teens hate when i talk about yes this guy's head lice okay well now you're down a review i am down a review and i was already struggling but that's okay let's pretend that that didn't happen and i'll just read another one oh okay you want to read another one yeah okay because now you're done that one is so foul i'm glad i don't have to read it again okay my next i have a a few um but i'll do my first from gallows hill park and gallows hill park is a park that is supposedly where the gallows were where they executed um you can say witches i'm trying to say i was going to say purported witches i see i see i see i. Allegedly. Allegedly Yelp was involved, just saying. What? Allegedly.

Okay, here's a one-star review by Erica. Eek! Five stars. I had to get you back for that. Went here today based on nice online photos and ratings, and it was all fenced off. I suspected construction or seasonal upkeep, but a police officer in the parking lot told me they discovered it is a contaminated site. Hope this review saves someone a drive and or disappointed child. The Grath Park nearby is open and a good option.

End of review. I thought it was going to say, I hope this review saves a life. No, I know. Okay, Erica. Something super dramatic. A contaminated site. What does that mean? Probably that there was like a erica super dramatic a contaminated site what does that mean probably that there was like a waste spill i don't know sewage sewage backup i would imagine

i'm imagining something not as dramatic as contaminant like when i think of like hazmat usually i think of like yeah um that's so sad for erica i like how it's a disappointed child like okay erica is that you are you the disappointed child erica's thinking that she's uh really really changing lives here she is yeah well seven months ago so we'll see if uh who knows if they have opened since then oh my god um okay i have a review now of the salem museum this is a one-star review by jessica the staff was very rude they told us the museum wasn't open yet end of review wow very rude that was like a roller coaster that was just down and very fast i hope this

saves a life someday oh my god what why why i just love that you have to i mean it's your own goddamn fault i understand when people say oh we arrived and it was closed even though it said online it would be open that's annoying that's one thing i get why that's annoying this is not that this is not that this is someone trying to force their way in yes in a hazmat suit just charging at the door to deal with the contamination all right your turn i have another review of gallows hill park by barb three stars is not a seeing thing, but a feeling thing. End of review. What? I don't fucking know.

Barbara. I'm spooked, though. I'm spooked, too. I read that, and I'm like, oh, Barbara, what are you feeling? Sends a shiver up the spine. Oh, yeah. Barbara, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing at Gallows Hill?

Some little witchy brewing. Well, it's funny. at gallows hill some little plotting witchy brewing well it's funny um this review conveniently was right before reports of contamination oh shit barbara what did you do her potion spilled barbara barbara what did we tell you what did we tell you about bringing your cauldron to Gallows Park? Think about all those children you disappointed, Barbara. Yeah. Okay. Now I have a review for you of which city... Oh, no, sorry.

I have another Salem Museum. I guess it opened up at some point. This is a one-star review by Jay. One of the worst things I have spent my money on. Went here with my family of six and paid $66. Oh my god. 666. I didn't even see that until now.

We can't continue with this. Sends a shiver up the spine. We can't continue. What's it going to summon? I think we need to be brave and continue. Okay. I'll put my brave face on. Get your cauldron out.

Went here with my family of six and paid $66 for the tour. A colonoscopy would have been better than this so-called tour. My kids made fun of me the rest of our vacation. kids made fun of me the rest of our vacation my kid they probably make fun of you if you got a colonoscopy too so especially you keep talking about getting a colonoscopy my kids made fun of me the rest of our vacation each time one kid would misbehave the other kid would tell them to stop or else dad would take us back to that tour that's hilarious or else dad will talk about his colonoscopy again yeah save your money and avoid this place end of review oh it's hilarious he's such a dad i was trying to be a cool dad oh yikes oh that's spooky sound. We have added some sound effects.

Oh, that's not the garbage truck, I promise. That's a shrieking black cat. Yeah. Can't you hear it? That's terrible. Howling at the moon. We're thoroughly prepared for this episode. Fuck, I hate it when that happens.

We did record it on garbage day. That's kind of our fault. That is very much our fault. All right, I have another one from Gallows Hill Park. Okay. From Dana, three stars. I was scared at first, but what a relief. No witches in sight. Wait, did I just see a broom go by?

And a room. did i just see a broom go by and that's the street sweeping guy who heard there was a hazmat cleanup required you know what i hate so much about that it's a three-star review if you're gonna write a dumb joke review at least put five stars that's right like well remember two stars off why remember larry he's hilarious larry and he said i'm looking for a nose to pick and no one laughed at my joke so he gave it three stars or two stars true this seems to be a running trend oh my god larry and dana you guys were are meant for each other i do love that her idea of spotting a witch is that there's just a broom flying by yes it. It's not like, oh, there's a person on a broom. It's like there's just a broom flying by.

I didn't even think of that. It's like... And maybe in her mind, witches have the power of invisibility. Maybe they do. That's right. They do. I don't know enough. They do?

Yes. Wow. Thank you for your insight. You're welcome. She's just over there nodding like, yes, they do. I'm nodding sagely. Thank you very much.. You're welcome. She's just over there nodding. Like, yeah, they do. I'm nodding sagely. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness.

That's really good. I like that. Well, I don't like that it's three stars. That's pretty shitty of you. What's your name? Dana. Dana. Well, I'm going to bring us down to a one star.

This is a one star review by Kayla of Witch City Walking Tours. Witch City. Witch, witch, witch. Stop. this is a one star review by Kayla of which city walking tours which city which which stop oh god one star by Kayla new YouTube video parody music video me doing that and nodding I booked on Groupon

in advance and went with my boyfriend to start off there was a musician in the square playing loud music, and she laughed at not bringing her microphone so people could hear her. Yeah, it would have been nice to hear some of the tour I paid for. So funny. Such a great joke. The tour online was described as a haunting tour. However, there was nothing scary. She didn't even dress up or bring a lantern.

A lantern? She just had a dinky little lantern with a tea light. Wait, so she brought a lantern. Yes. But she didn't bring a lantern. Capital L. Capital L. Little L.

She didn't even bring a lantern. She just had a dinky little lantern with a tea light that didn't do anything. I don't know what you're expecting this lantern to do really magic pure magic i guess i can't with this person she just had a dinky little lantern with a tea light that didn't do anything not to mention when she talking about the corwin house she told a story about a woman named dorkus that sounds like an insult from an 80s sitcom what is happening just get ready she told a story she told a story about a woman named dorkus then proceeded to make fun of that name for the next five minutes and how strange and ugly and weird and who would be named that. Well, guess what, lady?

Wait, that's a first name? Oh, my God. Well, yeah. Sorry, we just lost our one listener named Dorcas. Well, guess what lady i almost walked out of your tool right there because that is my aunt's name no it's a real name i'm in a shock right now i'm sorry now i feel bad to all our dorkuses please don't feel bad this is just so good We should just name our listeners Dorkuses to make the... Dorki. Dorki.

Okay. I'm sorry. Well, guess what, lady? I almost walked out of your tour right there because that's my aunt's name. I can't get past this. How do you spell this? Oh, it gets better. Okay, I'll let you finish.

D-O-R-K-I-S. That's as bad as I thought. I know. It really is. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. that's as bad as i thought it really is oh my god okay okay she really buried the lead by the way which being like she didn't even bring a lantern anyway okay that was a straight up insult and you are rude and should have thought about whether you were offending one of the people who paid to listen to you for two hours but that's okay my. My aunt owns more of Nebraska and is such an amazing, beautiful woman

inside and out that you wouldn't even be able to comprehend. So how's that for funny? End of review. Dorcas owns more of Nebraska than this tour guide can comprehend. This tour guide in Salem, Massachusetts. Yes.

You know what? I don't... I don't think this... Wow. I don't think this... Wow. I don't think this tour guide was doubting Dorcas' ability to own land in Nebraska. I like that she owns more of Nebraska. It's not even like she owns land in Nebraska.

Oh, probably because... Oh, you know what? She's a Runza franchisee. The Dorcas Runzas. Oh, you know what? She's a Runza franchisee. The Dorcas Runzas. I just can't handle this review because if your aunt is named Dorcas, you got to just get over it. If your own name is Dorcas, you got to learn to live with it. I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's not the first time someone has made fun of that name. I'm sure of it. My aunt Dorcas is the most beautiful. My Aunt Dorcas is such an amazing, beautiful woman inside and out. You wouldn't even be able to comprehend. How's that for funny? Dorcas walks into the room and the door guide's like, I can't even look at her.

Oh, my God. She's like radiating. Oh, Dorcas. Love you. Love you, Aunt Dorcas. The fact that you have an aunt dorcas is so good why is she not embracing that instead she's like i know shielding dorcas from all the magic i'm picturing growing up her being like aunt dorcas what a lame name and like making fun of her and then now finding an opportunity to play the victim to educate other people and be the victim

about the name dorcas that review just really i don't even know what to do with it. Thankfully, I just looked it up. Oh, good. Dorcas, origin Greek, and gender unknown. But it says, first name, less than 100 in the US since 1880. No. But search Nebraska. what are the odds like literally what are the odds that someone on this salem witch tour goes and happens to have a relative named

dorcas who's still alive it's not like some distant relative unless unless dorkus has been alive since 1880 holy shit do you see that broom with nobody on it dorkus you've been summoned oh my lord oh my gosh okay that was hilarious that was beautiful dorkus um i'm going a different direction with my next review okay this is of the chambers of terror oh one star from blake took about two minutes waste of money This is of the Chambers of Terror. One star from Blake. Took about two minutes. Waste of money. I've taken dumps that are longer and scarier than this. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Blake, that's... That's such a Blake review. That is. That's so gross. But the funny part for me, it's like like i've taken dumps longer and scarier that's true that really paints a picture that i don't want to see haunted house by the way that they're reviewing oh my god i don't want to see this oh no painting he's picture he's painting for me heinous and the saddest part is i believe him

heinous and the saddest part is i believe him why personal experience or what let's move on to the witch house please this is a one-star view by katrina i mean it looks cool but pretty pointless didn't go in couldn't tell if it was even open literally just took a pick and left end of review what why one star go away just leave just drove by it's like it's like a helen mcguckin just drove on by although to be fair that's a pretty cool place from the outside and most of the reviews i read of the witch house were oh the outside was great and the inside sucked. It's dark and terrifying. Yeah and a witch never even lived there. Yeah.

A judge did. Yeah we learned a lot about history in Salem. I have my review of the witch house. Oh great. One star from Alicia. Yeah when my mom took a picture I looked at it closer and I saw demons so um yeah no thanks Satan. Not today.

And a review. What? Tell me that she included the picture in the review. No. Oh, come on. No, no. We don't need Satan today, so the last thing Alicia wanted to do. I need Satan today. Oh, God. Long and scary, Satan.

I already read a 666 review, so True. Satan's coming. I feel like this has gone, instead of spooky-ooky, it's become a little more... Yucky-ucky? Oh, wait. Yeah, there we go. Demonic, I was going to say. Oh. Okay. That's funny. I like that you would write a review based on seeing ghosts in a photo.

One star, too. Shit, there was one review i didn't say i didn't think it was like it didn't make the cut let's put it that way but it was something like the last couple lines were like and then i showed the tour guide a photo i'd taken or no a photo that had been taken of the graveyard with what appears to be a ghost and she told me it was photoshopped so needless to say i was not happy terrible and i was like whoa whoa whoa it wasn't even her photo because they're really using it to like advertise or something so the person on the tour guide was basically like oh i've heard of this graveyard have you seen this photo

got it and then the tour guide was like oh i'm pretty sure that's photoshopped oh my lord it wasn't even her photo like oh get it. I don't know why I misunderstood that. Okay, so the person on the tour showed a photo of a graveyard. Yes, of what they were looking at. Like, of what was taken years ago. And the tour guide's like, that's an obvious Photoshop. Right. Yes.

And they got mad. That's hilarious. And left one star. Okay, Salem Witch Museum. One star by Teresa. This museum has its own liberal agenda, and I absolutely do not recommend this tourist trap. At the end of the tour, they introduced Wicca and witchcraft

and tell you it is okay, and to embrace it, and that it should be accepted by a Christian society. To me, there was an overemphas emphasis on the fact that the woman from barbados was completely innocent of any wrongdoing totally unnecessary end of review why the woman from barbados is i looked it up titchuba the first she was like the first woman to be accused of witchcraft yes falsely obviously i don't know why this person's saying it was unnecessary to say she was innocent but um that's very historic right very tragic it's really fucked up and to try to downplay that at all yeah while also talking about a liberal agenda because of them talking about wicca which is a legitimate i don't

understand i don't understand that i think she was saying witchcraft christian society here's what i don't understand is like if that's how you feel why are you going to salem massachusetts to take witch tours like what do you think is going to happen i don't know that they're going to be like witchcraft is real and it's the stuff of the devil i mean i don't i really don't think they were thinking that's where you go to kentucky for that at the creation museum true i've there's plenty of places for that yeah indiana you can go there too yeah theresa come on there's lots of options seriously we've given you all of them yep all right no that's really fucked.

I don't like that. I don't either. Ugh, icky. Icky. I have a review now of the Salem Witch Walk. Oh. From Austin. One star.

Oh! A day ago. What? I'm not kidding. A day ago. I just noticed that. Holy smokes. Not witches.

Thieves! What? I'm not kidding. A day ago, I just noticed that. Holy smokes. Not witches, thieves! I drove three hours to see this tour with my girlfriend last weekend. Over the three-hour trip, we encountered more traffic than anticipated and weren't on time to our 3 p.m. tour. We were told by the owner that there was nothing they could do to accommodate us because they had overbooked themselves for the later tours. This was exceptionally hard to grasp, because if they had overbooked themselves, why should the repercussions fall on the customer? They claimed to have a surplus of 30 plus people on the later tours, and two extra people would be far too imposing. Now, the tickets clearly state no refund refunds which are normally reserved for cancellations

people who take the tour and aren't satisfied etc that's not true that is not how that works okay it literally just means no refunds so stop trying to pretty actually pretty clear it's so ridiculous but we were just a little late. Any business who has a paying customer should be healthy enough to accommodate for such a slight inconvenience. We will never be booking here again under these circumstances, and I have filed a claim with my bank. I am seeing now that many people are having similar issues. Steer clear away from these thieves. End of review. Thieves.

He called these thieves. End of review. Thieves! He called them thieves! Accused them of stealing his money because he paid for something that literally, he admits, says no refunds, and they wouldn't give him a refund when he didn't show up on time to his tour. He would have fit right in the 1690s in Salem.

Or 1640s, or whatever decade. I should have learned that, but he would have fit right in with those Puritans. Yes. I mean, it's infuriating. It's really idiotic. I mean, excuse me. I know we say that a lot, but like, you can't win with some people.

And this guy sounds like a pain in the ass. I'm sorry. I mean. And to say that they're not a legitimate business because they weren't like, oh, yeah, whatever. Come on. Just hop on. If it was written a day ago, it is literally the week before Halloween. Yes.

So, like, what do you expect? You're late for your own tour. Three hours. Like, you're driving three hours for your own tour. If you're late, that is literally the farthest from their problem. Like, that is 100% on you. And I mean, it sounds like they tried but they were like we're booked like it's not like they said haha suck it we're taking your money yeah oh well and they shouldn't even had to have

no given an excuse they could have just said i'm sorry we can't help you policy it should have been done and there were no other availabilities maybe learn to drive oh shit oh shit i went there okay i have a review of the bewitched uh bewitched oh this is my last one because um my other one was the lice guy so this is that's not your fault this is a review of the bewitched statue have you seen that no so there's apparently a bewitched statue of elizabeth montgomery who's the actress who played samantha in bewitched and there's quite a lot of controversy surrounding it because people are like this is not it was like a little too light-hearted for a place that's about actual yeah which it's a very solemn i imagine a very

solemn place with a lot of touristy stuff the history of it is pretty dark and so they threw in this kind of like bewitched like statue in the middle of the mood yeah you know how it goes um so this is a review by steven and i'm just gonna read the title because it's on trip advisor steven says one star how do you spiel c-h-e-e-z-y wow i'm gonna show you the picture of it actually i'm texting it to you i didn't even notice until later that it said spiel s-p-e-e-l literally c-h-e-e-z-y how do you spell not like that oh my god not like that anyway well i i i think steven didn't like it no not really he has a way with words

well he has a way with letters he also has a way with words. Well, he has a way with letters. He also has a way with that boater hat. Yeah, that hat is pretty nice, so I'll give him that. Okay, what else do you have? We've got a few more. Okay, good. I'll settle back. I have one redemption.

Oh, okay. I think my last two are redemptions. Oh, good. So here's one from Vladimir, though, a one star of which dungeon museum? They declined me to go to a washroom. It's not too comfortable to watch 40 minutes show and thinking where to do your deal. Oh, no. Oh, like bathroom stuff going on.

If I had seen inside that man's head and I worked there, I would have been like, get him to a bathroom stat. He's thinking where to do his deal and it can't be in this room in front of all these children. That's horrible. Where to do my deal? That's pretty bad, huh? It's really bad. Yeah. Who is this?

Vladimir. Vladimir. God damn it, Vladimir. This is not okay. Oh, no. All right. Do you want to read one in redemption? Yeah, let me read a redemption.

And then I'll read one. Yeah. Mine are both of Proctor's Ledge. Okay, good. Did you come across that? No, I don't know what that is, but I want to make sure it wasn't of mine because I want you to steal another one. Smart.

Thieves, not witches. Proctor's Ledge, I'm'm just gonna give like a little background is a monument memorial um like a memorial in salem um that's actually supposed to be like really nice and it's like a touching thing a very like it's a poignant um thing uh for all 19 victims of the um the witch trials of the witch trials. Of the witch trials. So I have two five-star reviews. Here's one from Heath.

Very haunted. Got feelings everywhere. Slightly able to sense these things. Many confirmed murders on the altars everywhere. Rituals and sacrifices at night also. Not allowed there at night. So don't go unless you want a fine or to die at night. Review.

The last sentence was a little tricky because there was no punctuation. I don't know what you're talking about. I understood completely. Yeah, so if you don't want to die at night, don't go there. Oh, I see. If you want to die during the day, you're fine. Free for all. I did question, did he say ritual sacrifices are not allowed at night?

Rituals and sacrifices at night. Are not allowed? Also not allowed there at night. So it's not clear because of a lack of punctuation. not allowed there at night. So it's not clear because of a lack of punctuation. How I read it was there are rituals and sacrifices at night, but you're not allowed to go there at night. Oh, I see. So. Well, yeah, someone else has booked it out.

Don't go unless you want to find. Someone has booked it for their rituals and sacrifices. So I wonder how Heath knows that you could either get fined or die. There's no in between. He gets some feelings about this. He gets, what did it call? Ad feel some feelings about this he gets what did it call adjacent feelings about this just tangential feelings i thought feelings everywhere i thought he said some he said very haunted got feelings everywhere every inch of his body i didn't need to know that but he's then said uh then said slightly able to slightly these things that's why he knew about only slightly can sense these things. That's why he knew about it. Only slightly can sense these things.

Only slightly. But he could feel it everywhere. But ritual sacrifice and blood sacrifice, that kind of thing is pretty slight sensitivity too. Yeah. My oh my, I don't know where the hell he came up with that. But okay. Should I read my redemption?

His slight senses is how he came up with that. Yeah, please read your redemption. This is probably came up with that yeah please read your redemption this is a redemption of which city segway yes i love segway tours me and my sexy legs would be all over that i told you you're not allowed to say that anymore i'm doing it the segway tour was all the reviews were so positive and so hilarious i know and they were all like i'm 65 and i was whipping around like it was really uh love that redeeming one might say this is a five star review by jennifer fun way to tour the city good learning of history and segues are so much fun to ride don't pay too close attention to the safety video

though it's a little scary oh so i don't know what she's a little rebel without a cause oh i gotta close my eyes this is too scary for me in salem massachusetts the segue video is a scary thing i like how she didn't say like oh be careful she said don't pay attention to it which like don't be careful yeah don't pay attention to the safety video which is like pretty much the opposite of what i wonder if it's like those like uh uh those driving instruction videos oh where they're so overdramatic where the kids get split in half on a railroad yeah and you see everything just to scare the crap out of you but then as they age they look more and more ridiculous so by the time you're in driving

school like when i was i'd be like what the hell are these goofy videos yeah they're like in the 80s but back in back then it would have been pretty pretty spooky yeah um so just if you're gonna go on a tour uh that involves motor vehicles just make sure you don't look at the TV. Don't follow the safety instructions. Here's my final review of Proctor's Ledge by Dee. Five stars. Ending on a very high note here. Thank God.

Very interesting place. Roast beef around the corner. Go check it out. End of review. roast beef around the corner go check it out end of review oh my lord wow that is a a glowing review just glowing uh-oh what ritual sacrifice of that night oh no roast beef around the corner during the day someone needs to go look into this oh god i think I'm gonna go call that truck, that

hazmat truck or whatever the hell they saw earlier. That broom. Oh, and contamination. My God, this goes deeper than we thought. I think so. I think we should just spend the next half of our show just talking about this. Yeah, forget about our special guests. We don't need guests. Oh, my gosh. We've got conspiracy theories to

figure out. Ugh, alright, well, got conspiracy theories to figure out. All right. Well, we did this part. This part is over, which means coming up next. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply.

Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. This no purchase necessary visit the Tim's app for details this episode is brought to you by RBC student banking students get $100 when you open an RBC advantage banking account which includes no monthly fee unlimited debit transactions in Canada Avion points on debit purchases and so so much more unlock more perks for less with RBC You get a little surprise guest. Something, something. Something, something.

We got three guests for you. Here we go all right we're here welcome don't cut me off okay it's time for guests we have three special guests for you today uh the first one is here now in the studio, quote unquote studio. The hint that we posted on Instagram had nothing to do with this guest. Yes, that's right. The hint that we posted was for our third guest. People still guessed this guest. Yeah, they did.

People guessed all three. Yeah, spoiler. So here is Zach Bagans. No, I'm just kidding. Here's our first guest. This is my beautifully handsome husband. Your DH. My DH plays! Eek! Hi guys. Hi. Welcome. I even wore my shoes that had

sand in it because I don't wear sandals to the beach so I brought sand with me to the studio. This is maybe the first time we have actual sand in the beach too sandy oh boy now everyone's gonna be sending sand to my house except i think what you said i was not true considering we literally dragged all of his audio equipment across a beach for a photo shoot i'm sure there's plenty of sand i kind of like blocked that out of my memory the whole dragging through the sand you're right yeah yeah but anyway i was trying to make blaze feel special way to go do you feel special he did not anymore okay that's my job that's a lovely wife as a dh so how i mean dw so i get it yeah the cruise see he listens he listens so how we're doing this is uh we had christina there pick um a handful of reviews

for blaze to read and they were surprises to him yes he has not seen these alexander has not heard them i have not heard so i'm going to introduce the review then step aside let blaze read it and alexander react yes and they're all pretty short um but they are all relative to Blaze's life. And some very tangentially. That's okay. You know what I'm trying to say. So, okay, the first review I have, you can't look at it yet, Blaze. The first one I have is of, so I just went with the Halloween theme first.

This is a spirit Halloween store in Manchester, Connecticut. Do you know anything about Manchester? Yes, I know about Manchester, Connecticut. Okay. We ran the road race. Well, I ran the road race. You sat on the sidelines. I ran it very well. No, you used crutches, and then the next day magically didn't need the crutches anymore.

We don't need to talk about this anymore. Oh, that's right. Hashtag Christine Foe Injury 2016. Wow. Things are really coming out here. This is like Dax dax shepherd's show all of a sudden oh yeah why because he just has like in-depth conversations about people's past i'm sure expert okay so this is the first reviews of a spirit halloween so you just read this okay this is a one-star review by x i might be going here today idk if the people there are nice so if they are i will give it a five star and they gave it one star that's hilarious they gave it a one star no periods no punctuation well we okay this is like a pre-review yeah a pre that's so weird they

gave a preview if you if one would one would i would it's it also read like a shell silver stone where the sidewalk i just didn't know where to put the emphasis on words there's no punctuation there's no commas you did great it's just comparing you to shell silverstein so i guess that's a compliment no you're comparing x to shell silverstein x is writing x is leaving one star previews that's just rude okay so the next review i have is um of the hebron harvest fair and blaze told me this is a place that people would go around the fall time is that correct yeah because you've been to my hometown there's not much to do so the hebrew harvest fair was the

thing what's it like is it just like a hebrew harvest fair it's like yeah it's like because like there's i guess farmers around but i don't know who they are and then uh it's like the thing you would do as a middle schooler if you had a girlfriend like so you could walk around well i wasn't wasn't holding hands that's my friends will tell you that what are you holding bags of ice i was delivering i was the ice delivery man for the baseball team as a fundraiser ice delivery man interesting yeah but hey the florida georgia line came to the hebrew harvest fair like two years ago that's something because they signed them a year before before they got famous so they had to come that's hilarious so it was like the it was the most sold out day of the fair ever for the fair people were sneaking

in because they were paying they were getting way underpaid for what they were doing that's actually that talent's got to happen to us someday, Alex. We'll sign for the Hebron Harvest Fair, and then... Suddenly hit it big. Yeah. And then we'll do it, our duty to Hebron, Connecticut. Okay, here's the review. All right. Hebron Harvest Fair.

This is a one-star review by Richard. Very disgusted with how small the fair has gotten. And just to be clear, VERY DISGUSTED is in all caps. And then he wrote, with how small the fair has gotten. And just to be clear, very disgusted is in all caps. And then he wrote, with how small the fair has gotten. So he's even putting sizes into his review because he wrote small in lowercase letters. Oh, so it reads like a shell silver steel. Interesting.

So this is clearly written either pre or post Florida Georgia line. So this is clearly written either pre or post Florida Georgia line. Either he went to that day and was like, whoa, this thing is huge. That's true. And then he came back. That's probably it. He just, maybe he doesn't. And then he's disappointed after that. Actually, he wasn't disappointed.

He was disgusted. Disgusted. I'm sorry. Disgusted. You're right. He just, maybe he didn't know the baseline level of fairdom at the Haven Harvest Fair. Okay. So the next one I have is another Spirit Halloween, this time in Milford, Connecticut. level of fairdom at the Haven Harvest Fair. Okay, so the next one I have is another Spirit Halloween,

this time in Milford, Connecticut. That's where my aunt and uncle live. Is it? Yeah. Nancy and Brian? Shout out. They live in the Spirit Halloween? They live in Shelton now. Oh, okay. We're triangulating my family. Apparently so. They actually live in that building when it's not a spirit

halloween since it's halloween week they actually had to move to shelton for a couple days right okay that makes a lot more sense here you go all right this one is a one star review by val this place is so creepy that i would like to give it zero stars and a big thumbs down. Triple exclamation point. It's a Halloween story. I just like when people give it literally low ratings for being frightening. But she's giving it. It's what it's supposed to be.

I know. Yeah. It makes no sense. Welcome to our world. Welcome to our world, Blaze. I almost wonder. Does it feel Blaze? I want to

val val val val i wonder if you know this val we should take her to disney and see what she thinks of that like she if she's like this place is so happy yeah then she's just you know observing the world around her exactly you cannot please yeah right you cannot please a person like this i also like that she said i would like to give it zero stars yes just couldn't just couldn't sorry just decided they had to give it one star so they could just say that very useful bit of information okay so the next one is really short but it's just of um a haunted hotel that blaze and i stayed at uh in new orleans um it's called the Omni Royal Hotel,

and it's one of the most haunted hotels in New Orleans, and we spent our second honeymoon 2.0 there. American honeymoon. American honeymoon there. Oh, you're American. Oh, Jesus. You're wet, hot American. Sorry.

Never mind. Whoa. Oh, my God. Here you go. Next. I'm done. Your brother loves this. I'm done. We should tell him more details about our honeymoon. Here you go. Next. I'm done. Your brother loves this. I'm done.

We should tell him more details about our honeymoon. Just read it. About like my sunburn. That's the grossest part. He's already heard it. Who are we kidding? Omni Royal Hotel. This is a one star review by Rob.

Needs live jazz. That's it? That's it. I mean, it is New Orleans. There probably is live jazz that's it that's it i mean it is new orleans there probably is live jazz at some point i'm pretty sure they have a jazz brunch if i remember yeah and then uh i mean if you want live jazz literally step outside probably i've never been around on the sidewalk that's amazing those are very fair he just needs a little bit more like Ryan Gosling in his life, I guess. I don't know. Don't we all? Don't we all?

Sorry. So this next one, uh, Blaze and I went to the Whaley house in San Diego. And actually I went to the house before with Allison, not your Allison. Yes. Em's Allison.

And I, uh, I saw my first ghost there. The only like apparition I've ever seen. And then I took Blaze there when we had a live show in San Diego. And so I found some reviews of the Whaley House. All right. One star by Jan.

I feel like this should be a two star, but the amount of I smoked pot before doing this tour. So it was amazing. Five star reviews just make me go lower. Other people writing five stars saying oh well i smoked pot before this so i don't quite i'm gonna so i'll give it five stars there's three more pieces to this review but i need to reread that whole part again because it's actually more than three you just have to oh great oh it's multiple pages oh sorry all right oh my god well still manifesto

i still want to do this part again. It stops right here. Real fast. I need to do it one more time. I feel like this should be a two star, but the amount of I smoked pot before doing this tour, so it was amazing five star reviews just makes me go lower. Those are the real words. I didn't like. Yeah's not are the it sounds like

there should be a hyphen between every single one of those words just to just say i smoked a lot of pot and then i'd understand it that's like the only thing that actually makes sense from that reading it uh it's a house an old house it's six dollars imagine a old house filled with things your white race sorry your old white racist grandmother would hoard you got it in your head good i just saved you six dollars and 15 minutes that was uh wow is that true is that how it is there guys a lot of racism a lot of lawn jockeys it's a little older it depends on who your grandma is i guess maybe if it was like my dad yeah maybe like a couple grandmas ago um so that racist wow i mean i guess if pots and pans are racist i didn't really get a racist vibe out of the old house.

That's weird. I don't know if Christine paid for it. Maybe it was $6. For me, it was free. That's my life. It was indeed $6, I will say. $6? That's not bad.

It's not. The number of people who complained I just wasted $6. I'm like, margaritas on that street are $14. So many of those Salem reviews that we read were like that i didn't use were like i can't believe i paid ten dollars to see this historic site that's really old and i went and saw learned all of this boring history for ten dollars people suck oh you can get it all from google nowadays true some people literally they literally said that yeah well you can get all this from wikipedia why should i go that's what they think about medicine

too that's true uh the world nowadays huh kids these days millennials uh one smoking pot left and right all right i see the next one this is one star of the same of the whale house as well this one's by david started the tour with a five minute interrogation by a chubby docent i don't know what a docent is but that's they were a docent i believe is someone who works at a museum and like has to tell you to shut up they're like they're like the people they're like a museum librarian yeah yes oh the people who... They're like a museum librarian? Yes. Oh. The ones who are like watching you.

They're like the people that guide the tour or like... David, just say that. Or just say guide. No, you gotta get to David's joke. Okay. Sorry. Sorry, David, that I'm ruining your one-star review. It's hysterical, this joke. It's what we're here for.

It's what we're here for. All right, I'm gonna read it without stopping this time. Started the tour with a five-minute interrogation by a chubby docent. Sounds like doesn't, as in doesn't do anything useful. But I'm going to read it without stopping this time. Started the tour with a five-minute interrogation by a chubby docent. Sounds like doesn't, as in doesn't do anything useful. That was a really bad joke. I know. I needed it to be over. It wasn't ending.

I just thought you were really excited for it. I'm so good at this, guys. Back to David. Sounds like doesn't, as in doesn't do anything useful who was sure our group was trying to sneak in with fake tickets after finally convincing him and the half-wit girl loitering with him that we actually paid money they let us in i know they are both anxious to get home to their stray cats oh my. Why did this get so nasty? No one laughed at his joke.

In the end, there was no problem. Like everything was okay. They got in, whatever. He got his 15 minute tour for $6. Like I don't, I mean, geez, David. Chill, David. Yeah. Just chill.

Just chill. And use words that I understand. Okay. So finally I have two redemptions for blaze because i know i knew david would leave us on a low note talking about chubby docents with stray cats just very rude that's me one day just gonna say that's me right now um the number of cats in our driveway okay so i have two redemptions now this one is from a place called pumpkin town and i asked blaze what did you do growing up for halloween he's like nothing i was like you had to do something he's like well i mean i guess we went to pumpkin town and i was like you buried the lead with that one we went to pumpkin town so i looked up pumpkin town and i was just thrilled but of

course there are mostly 99 positive reviews so i had to use a redemption. This is a four-star review by JD. Cute pumpkin village and nice hayride. Pretty fun day, except for the busy bees. But good to see bees are still alive. What? I thought they were talking about other people who are, like, type A-ing Pumpkin Town and, like, just doing it real hard. Type A-ing Pumpkin Town. Busy bees of Pumpkin pumpkins yeah but i guess they're

talking about actual insects that's funny but they're and they're happy that they're still alive you know i'm happy too about that but i mean all these cell phones now it would be weird if if he was talking about human beings and said glad they're still alive to be fair they won't be for long um i do like that he also says uh i like how that he uses his experience at pumpkin town to determine that bees are still alive like he wasn't really sure until he got there yeah was really irritated by all the busy bees and then thought you know what i mean pumpkin town's the only thing that brings people outside you know there's it's not like the leaves are really beautiful in Connecticut. There's nothing else going on.

No apple orchards. All this exciting indoor stuff to do and then they get to Pumpkin Town and see these beautiful insects buzzing around. Did you, Blaze? Are you JD? Is this you? Oh god, I knew it.

All these type A pumpkiners. So this last one is a five-star review of A Spirit Halloween in Newtown, Connecticut. All right. And this five-star review is by Sally. There's nothing to read because it's just a picture of a smiling dog. This is great podcast material material babe um oh my god it's so sweet it's a white fluffy dog five stars and it's like just in front of a radiator not even like at the spirit halloween it's just there i mean it yeah no that's definitely not it's at a

home right and the dog's not in a costume oh the good a good point. So, I mean, Sally, you're like my best friend because of the dog. I should have checked because it says Sally has 26 reviews and 36 photos. And I really should have figured out how many of those. How did you not check? I don't know. Oh, man. I feel like an idiot now. She's a local guide, too.

Because she posts her dog everywhere? Like, wait a minute. is that sally is the dog sally the golden doodle i mean i know that there's a human i know that there's a human in the profile pic but you know like my profile picture was my dog for a long time maybe the dog made the owner their profile pic and it's posting pics of itself yes they're human oh my god maybe that's the costume oh maybe it's just impressive good that we didn't even know it was a costume we thought it was an actual dog that's why it's a five star i'm sorry i know you guys can't see it i just thought it was so fucking ridiculous that someone yeah he was like there's nothing to read and as

he was saying that i was like is this part of the review and then we said it's just a picture of a dog i'm like she went to that location there was just a picture of a dog I'm like she went to that location there was just a picture of a dog what's happening it took me a second I needed to end on like the ultimate

high note I mean I'm really killing it as this guest host reading things yeah that don't even have words that was a challenge you painted a picture

she really challenged you here I did I tried oh boy well I hope I did you guys proud you sure did thank you we're so proud of everything you guys do with this show oh yeah see if these other guest stars say something as nice as that true

we will actually we will judge all of you we will judge all of you pretty high thank you i know all right now back to writing your med school applications good luck thank you for joining us thank you for joining us blaze is our first us, Blaze, as our first guest host. Thank you for having me. This was wonderful. I love you. Welcome back. We're going to move on to our second guest.

First is the worst, second is the best. So, Allie, you got Blaze beat. Here's Allie ali my girlfriend oh hello everyone welcome welcome to ali's session to the ali show we have some exciting reviews you also have olive on your lap it's a little family portrait it should be so how this is gonna work i picked some hand-picked some reviews for Allie to read to the masses. This is very exciting because the last one I picked them and you got to react, so now I have no idea what's going on and I get to react. So the first one is of the pumpkin patch on Savi Island. Have you been

to this pumpkin patch? I have been to the pumpkin patch on Savi's. What is that? Savi's Island is outside of Portland, maybe in Portland, but it's an island and they have a pumpkin patch on sabi's what is that sabi's island is outside of portland maybe in portland but it's an island and they have a pumpkin patch oh a pumpkin patch on an island i didn't know that was a thing they also have a nude beach oh a corn maze now it sounds like portland okay it makes a lot more sense yeah we read though i've read the the new beach that's why it sounds familiar okay makes sense makes sense so here and they send children there got it good good good all right so this is a one star review from alorna doodle all the pumpkins look the same and while the place is covered with yellow jackets and wasps so unless like i don't know how to use commas but i was hoping she did

you looked to the wrong people for punctuation i'm sorry all right here we go again one star all the pumpkins look the same and while the place is covered in yellow jackets and wasps so unless you're looking to get stuff like i did or find a pumpkin that you could buy at the grocery store for $2, I wouldn't go here at all. No period. Not a single thing of punctuation there. Very confusing. You really started her off on a really rough one, I think. And all the complaint is that all the pumpkins look the same.

The one that Blaise read, remember, was like, there are so so many bees but i'm glad bees are still alive so like maybe there's just a thing with all the bees and the yellow jackets i don't know am i stretching bees and jackets are different though i feel like people love the bees but hate the hate the jackets i guess all right fine i'm wrong we've got another one pumpkin patch on savvy island another one yep all right this is a one star review from m bob it was so busy lines for everything this was our first time trying this place and we ended up turning around and leaving there was a line all the way from highway 30 to even get there not our kind of place lines like this that i might wait in that disneyland wow but we've got a response from the owner okay oh i was like

this sounds like a very portland thing to be like it sounds like disneyland i'm out okay response from owner here we go and bob yeah pumpkin patches tend to be crowded on a beautiful october weekend however not sure why you would bother reviewing us when you didn't actually come to the farm you should give it a shot on a weekday we would love to hear from you then oh i love the ones that are like they don't submit fully they're just kind of like oh you're gonna be an asshole okay hope you enjoy it next time that's pumpkin pride pumpkin pride they all look the same really prideful okay next i went to a specific area of washington ali's from long view washington this isn't of long view washington this is of uh orca's island in the san juan islands what's that um well there's some haunted stuff up there oh okay ali's nodding

up there oh okay ali's nodding confirming this is of the west beach resort what's happening why are you guys doing your little confirming weird it was so close to conforming like all those pumpkins you look over patty in the patch what is happening patty in the patch love it so this is a review of west beach resort which is on orca's island which is the largest of the san juan islands okay all right this is a nice long review so we'll see if I can get through it without sweating through my shirt. Alright, one star review. We arrived at cabin 10 on December 17th with intent to stay for seven days. After the second night, we left at dawn because of the haunted activity. Stop!

No other cabins were occupied on these nights. On the first night, we heard fists pounding on the closed bedroom door and shuffling of footsteps in the bedroom in our cabin. The next night was far worse. From the hours of 10pm to 4am there were non-stop frantic pacing footsteps across the deck, in the room and on the roof. There was also a myriad of green flashes of light darting through the room and the total presence of someone in the cabin. We confronted the resort staff about paranormal activity, and they asked, Are you staying in cabin 10? And we acknowledged we were. They said that a man and his son had died elsewhere, and their ashes had been scattered near the beach.

And since then, they have had other reports of weird phenomenon in that cabin we asked for our money back for the remaining five nights and they refused a refund not in their policy don't stay in cabin 10 it's not fair to pay for accommodations that are disruptive frightening and haunted these managers need a lesson in customer service what i find interesting is i feel like people who normally believe in paranormal stuff are excited when it happens to them wow this is crazy not like oh well i need to speak to your manager there's a ghost child in my room there's green flashes all what on earth cabin 10 people that's the cabin to be in but just wait hold your horses because we have a manager response again to this review really okay i can't wait to hear this yep joe bish says we experienced a large winter storm with high winds and cleared

branches off the cabin roofs for the next day so we can only assume the noises you heard were a result of the storm in hindsight perhaps we shouldn't have played along with the haunted theory of the cabin we didn't think you were actually serious smiley face no nose smiley face no nose oh No. That's how you know they're passive aggressive. Joe Bish just wouldn't take the time to do the nose. I thought, we thought you were kidding. That's harsh. That's harsh.

How weird is that? Like. Incredibly. I don't know. Why is it so quiet? What's happening? I don't know. I'm just hearing the people up on the roof.

We're actually trying to listen to the green flashes are really distracting me. Joe Bish is doing the gutters, so... Joe Bish is on the roof again. We're staying in the San Juan Islands. I don't know. And this is a review of a place that Allie has stayed. Oh. Tell us about your stay there.

What is it? So I went on a family vacation, and my BFF, Rachel, came with me, and we stayed in a haunted hotel. And the haunted hotel was called Hotel de Haro, and that was at Roach Harbor. That should ring a bell. Roach Harbor sounds haunted to me. What? Why does that ring a bell? There was a podcast that I used to listen to before it got

long got like pretty long-winded and they actually did an episode on this particular hotel oh at roach harbor roach harbor i don't remember i'm sure i yelled about it before what's the hotel called hotel de haro i literally remember none of this i'm so sorry very spoopy i will have to ask somebody else about this okay here we go we have a one star review from suzanne jukes so my rash is finally going away sorry what i what? I thought I misheard that. Okay, this is serious? This is Suzanne's Rash. I'm so sorry.

Suzanne's Rash. Sounds like quite the heavy metal band name. Can we just be a little bit more respectful? Sorry. Okay. Let's start that over. So my rash is finally going away. We stayed at the highly acclaimed Hotel de Haro.

Our third floor room had no bathroom and no screen on the window. It was not clean. The carpet was aged, and the three top stairs at the top of the third floor were slanted down. Very dangerous. I survived, but I will never return. Also the bartender at the Madrona was very hostile and kept slamming empty bottles and breaking glasses. He scared us.

And others said the same. Never go there. Oh, my. My favorite is when they say, others also said that. I just know that a bunch of other people agree with me. I don't know who they are. I like this weird ghostly bartender. I with me. I don't know who they are. I like this weird ghostly bartender.

I'm not sure if it's a real bartender. Oh, I assumed immediately it was a ghost, for sure. Absolutely. They're the only people that actually saw this bartender. A hostile bartender. Sounds like a ghost. I just think that Suzanne maybe doesn't know what she's talking about. What? Because I do not agree with anything that she said in her review.

What was your experience? Definitely had the rash. Well, your rash hasn't cleared up. I know that much. I had the rash as well as the carpet rash that I got from the slanted stairs. Oh, yeah. Slanted falling off. Kind of a dual, double rash sort of situation.

That's pretty tough. But honestly, it's my favorite asset of hers are those rashes well that was too much information thank you yeah that's what made me fell in love it reminds me of my gorgeous day so okay so here's another review of the hotel de Haro at Roach Harbor. You're sure this other podcast covered this? I definitely think that it covered this or it almost covered this? I don't remember it but I'll look it up. I don't know if you've heard of Instagram Grandma but there's a photo on Insta. Woof! A different grandma. I was just talking to myself.

You're talking to your other grandma okay got it she's on the roof she's just jovish so okay next one star review the title of this is noisy presidential suite next to office with very loud men dropping f-bombs sorry that was the whole title that was the entire title i That was the entire title. I thought that was over already. Oh, there's a... The abstract, if you must. The abstract.

Oh, the scientist. Okay. So, one thing I want to... This hotel is also famous because Theodore Roosevelt stayed there. And that's what the presidential suite is. I feel like every haunted hotel has a Theodoreodore roosevelt room yeah okay no offense grandma slinging insults i'm sorry go ahead i'm sorry i don't know what to say because you're so much older than me all right here we go my husband and i looked forward to a quiet visit off season and chose the presidential suite

big mistake music played on for a sunday night wedding the couple above us awoke at 5 a.m to catch an early ferry and made lots of noise and then when i was in the bathroom the office adjacent to the room was filled with very loud conversation by two men one who complained non-stop about his family and said the f word continuously oh i couldn't wait to get out of the old antique tub wait was she stuck oh my god they're super deep there so the tub oh i see reception was very kind and listened to my complaints and treated us to a very nice breakfast. Thank you.

Very nice, quaint old room with a wonderful view. But the noise was unacceptable as the room was not cheap. If the president stayed here, I sure do hope he bought earplugs or was deaf. President Trump, I hope you lose your hearing before you stay at this hotel i also assume prices were better back then when the president stayed oh yeah for teddy yeah for sure the complaining about his family i love that yeah they were just like shooting this person was eavesdropping into the entire conversation. Probably knows too much.

It seems like it was probably a heavy conversation. I wonder if it's the way the bathtub was where. Oh, the echo. Like it was the echo. Sure. And they could like hear. The acoustics were pretty in those old bathtubs. Absolutely.

It's like six feet of porcelain. Mm-hmm. Deep. So now I have one more review. This one isn't really halloween themed but it's our relationship themed oh god get me out of here so the first night i met ally well okay i don't want to know why okay i i do want to know because i need to start remembering these things so i met ally through a podcast called...

Oh, they covered that weird hotel. They covered that. It's called And That's Why We Drink. Oh, weird. I heard they covered that haunted hotel. I was in a couple episodes, and Allie DM'd me there, and a few weeks later,

I flew up to Portland to meet her. She looks like she doesn't regret a thing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Didn't think he was gonna come yeah well why would you rise i saw those rashes and i had to come fly up there woof okay so the first night um that i was there we went out to a lovely place um with our friend brent we went to the alleyway and this is a place that Allie would go to quite often.

Allie's Alley. And hang out. At least four times a week. Four times a week. Alleyway in Portland. So semi-often. So I found a review that I felt summed up the Alleyway pretty well. Can you tell me what it is or no?

It's like a dive bar. Oh, I see. Okay. I thought it was like a bowling alley. No. I see. Okay. It's the diviest of dive bars.

Understood. That sounds fun. It's a lot of fun. Super fun. Four times a lot of fun. Super fun. Four times a week. We need to start doing that again. What the hell?

Probably when they're over 100 times and they still refuse to remember me each time. Got carded every time. Your name is literally the name of the establishment. Correct. Oh my goodness. All right. So we have a two-star review from matt inslee a den of toxic masculinity see that was a little halloweeny with the mask part yeah you're just doing puns i get it yes absolutely all right a den of toxic masculinity The bartender couldn't help but emulate the performance of every lead singer of every angry white man band.

What? Complete with jumping high, landing on knees, and fists in the air. The beer was cheap. That aggressive bartender with the beard, he was hot. And I wonder if it was Chad. Oh chad oh you know that bartender does he frequently land on his knees with his fists in the air i'm not sure about that part but there were shirts for chad there were things for chad no like they literally made merchandise for chad correct everyone had a beard but his was the biggest and fullest. Well, that's how you know. That's the Portland way.

Yeah. Wow. This was in Portland, you said? Yes. Yes. Okay. Does that sum up the alleyway pretty well? Too much, I think, maybe.

Yeah. It definitely did. For me, yeah. But they also have some good cheap eats. Oh, yeah. The cheesesteaks. Oh. What?

So they're saying, oh, this guy is so, he's just such a toxic masculinity. Anyway, he's really hot. Is that what happened? It might be a different Bart. I don't know. I don't know. It sounded like the same guy. It's really tough to tell. But yeah, Allie loved it there specifically because of the toxic masculinity. Yeah, that's kind of what she's drawn to. Yeah. Which is why she loves my other show so much. And why she loves me so much.

Yeah, we just kind of exude that. Absolutely. We ooze it, if so much. Yeah, we just kind of exude that. Absolutely. We ooze it, if you will. Oh, spoopy. Ectoplasm. Okay, just go on. Well, I am out of reviews. I'm out of...

Patience? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. We can tell. Well, Allie told me she's going to go buy some more more beer so i'm just mostly looking forward to that absolutely i don't really want to be sober right now or later after this i can't believe you're doing this sober semi sober oh i see i'm completely sober what else is new well thank you everyone thank you guys for listening to our second special guest first

is the worst second is the best third is one with the hairy chest you're about to figure out who that is stay tuned bye bye ali goodbye thanks for my 15 seconds of fame hi mom hi grandma on the ceiling hi joe bish hi joe bish hi joe wife Hi, Joe Bish. Hi, Joe Wife. Whoa. Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it.

Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong. The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. Welcome. Welcome to our third guest segment. Who could it be?

It's just us. Surprise! Yeah, there is no third guest. All of you are really disappointed. Just kidding. We have the person that's here the most outside of anyone that lives here and it is none other than the m schultz it's me welcome the m schultz welcome the one welcome to the party that's what i like to say m's like welcome to the equipment we were using long before beach two xandy ever existed welcome to to this mic and this chair, Zandy.

Do you sit in this chair, too, when you're recording? No, I sit in her chair. You're more than welcome to sit in her chair. No, that is sacred ground. Exactly, yeah. Unlike her chair, which I sit in every time. My throne. He sits in my creaky-ass chair every time.

Yeah, I really do. Well, welcome to the exact same spot I've been sitting for the last couple hours. Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm having a blast. Good. Well, we're just getting started. It's so weird. It's so weird. This recording studio looks so familiar to the one that I use on my show. Weird. It has the same haunted dolls in the car? It does. Also, one of you sounds a lot like my co-host. Weird. Yeah. Well, if that's that's gonna happen it's both of us are gonna sound like that because we're obnoxiously similar um for those who don't know by the way oh oh who am i wait a minute everyone who is m let's let's begin with that yeah that was really cocky of me to walk in here and

assume that everyone knows who i am that was actually to be fair most people do but most of our listeners probably do m is the co-host of uh the podcast and that's why we drink it's a true crime paranormal podcast hosted by m and the other one geo yeah um i never say the name of it on vc sandy i always say it's my murder groupie podcast because i don't want to be you know like but now that both of you are here yeah we can finally reveal the name we're never gonna stop people have emailed us and been like what's christine's podcast that's fun see so there's no way that they know who i am then so this this intro is important okay fair so m's my co-host and bff and just a lot of other things i don't even begin there's just a list of titles oh there's

so much happening if you could i deserve a scroll i think of all my positions in your life if you will oh my goodness anyway in papyrus font no no uh so so can we talk about that hint quick oh the hint yeah yeah so m didn't get the hint either well and what did you think i got that i got in in a different from a different avenue i did the same thing that many others uh fell for which i fell for charles schultz which also i'm gonna pretend is my second layer and we both went oh it's like an onion i think you worked so hard that you didn't realize that you did so well yeah well what happened was i was going through my facebook relationship with Christina here. And because that's how I find our photos. Sometimes I imagine it's a blast looking through all your old photos. For those who haven't seen it, it's a photo of the two of us at Kings Island when we were younger.

And we are with Sally from the Peanuts comics. Yes. And so I was like, okay, how can I reference this on our Instagram? And I Googled Sally Peanuts and read the literal, like the Peanuts wiki for information. Oh my God, I didn't know this was that long. And I saw that some, one thing that she's known for is calling Linus her sweet baboo. That's the truth.

That's literally it. And I, and I feel like a fool. The second that I, I realized the actual connection, I felt like I should have known that immediately. And Em, famously, on the other podcast, calls Geo, the dog, sweet Babu. He is my sweet Babu. If somebody doesn't know who Geo is, get out.

You've got two references here to work with at this point. This is pretty deep. We're getting pretty deep into the lore. No, I think that was actually a much more creative track. I think I just, I think I'm used to having to explain to people when they ask how my last name is spelt. I just tell them immediately,

oh, like Charles Schultz from the Peanuts. It's the only one that I'm knows that spells it the same way. It's the only other, it's S-C-H-U-L-Z without the T. He's the only other person. I will say a lot of people were clever not actually no two of you maybe were clever most of you were not no offense but i couldn't figure

it out few people are clever literally out center sent me i knowing that m was the guest and seeing the picture literally couldn't figure it out but somebody said a couple people said oh maybe it's lucy from wine and crime which was like, that's pretty clever. Close. Because it's a Halloween. Lucy is a brunette, though, in the Peanuts. She's blonde in our photo, isn't she? Sally is the one in the picture.

Oh, Sally's the one in the picture. Sally is Charlie Brown's little sister. Oh, sorry, Lucy. Lucy is the one that. Lucy is the character on the show. Okay, I get it. I hear what you're saying. So never mind, none of you are creative.

Some people said, Allie, if you take off the S you get ally from sally famously our previous guest yeah so actually they weren't totally wrong then they were just predicting something they didn't know some people did guess blaze they had no reason for it they're both blonde correctly guessed blaze imagine that they're both like you've taken pictures with both i guess i guess they're both tagged somewhere on my Instagram. Anyway. Anyway. So now you guys know what the origin of that was.

And you probably know the format of this show right now, which is... Probably not, because if they're coming for M... True, they skipped all the rest. That's true. I like to think I've at least brought one person over and converted them for you. I guess we've had a whole episode until now. That's true. Yeah.

Never mind. So you figured it out along the way. And if you didn't, shame on you. Go listen to the rest of it. converted them for you i guess we've had a whole episode until now that's true yeah never mind so you figured it out along the way um and if you didn't shame on you go listen to the rest of it because blaze and ally are gems too yes okay so what i did essentially is i went and i found one-star reviews of places that i thought had a relevance to m's life or m's in my life together love it and m has just i did not give em any warning of this or like how to do this or anything i just said just read what i give you yeah i think my the exact conversation was i am not prepared and you went excellent excellent so i don't know what my cat i don't know what's coming my way i know i know how like

what the usual format of the show is but i i don't know what's going to be like with me on it so we enjoy the enjoy the bumpy ride okay so the first one i picked for you that you can now reveal to yourself okay is of halloween horror nights at universal which is where you were yesterday i was there yesterday apparently i literally found this out i'm getting the text right now actually that miley cyrus was also there last night oh my, shit. Oh, my God. She was actually our first guest, and then she bailed. That sounds right. I would be Miley's understudy. That makes the most sense.

Understudy, yes. And you were there, and you got trapped on the Jurassic ride, so I wanted to find something as horrific as what you experienced. It was horrific. I think I had a less horrific experience. There were four boats. There were four sets of passengers that all got stuck and i had the easiest situation um because my boat actually happened to be next to a walk-off dock so they

just had to unlock the the lap bars and then we could leave but there were other people stuck in different parts of the ride where there was no way to exit you were just stuck in water so they ended up having to rope off the boats and then drag them on the track. Oh my God. And one of them, I don't know how, I don't know what they ended up doing for this, but so the way that the ride works is you're going through Jurassic World and then you get to this incline

where once you get up to the incline, you're in this dark space, like you're in like an interior part of the ride and you are about to go down really fast and a dinosaur is about to like bite you and you just missed the dinosaur but you go spoilers you go sliding down but there were two boats behind us that needed to get roped off and go through the water and then be exited out of dock but we found out later we were all at the bottom of the incline so we couldn't see up into the dark interior part

we started hearing people up there go help help and apparently there was a whole boat stuck up there that had no way of getting off so either they took ropes and dragged them backwards down the incline or dragged them forward and they had to go crashing into the water with this like broken animatronic dinosaur it's really that's terrifying so you should write your own goddamn review is what i have to say which i'll tell you my review consisted of me just sitting there for 15 minutes taking videos of everyone that's sleeping literally people fell asleep on the roller coaster just waiting for someone to get to us and unlock the lap bars this sounds like worthy of a one-star review which typically in our world things are

not worthy of a one-star view and it's rare that we say i actually i actually came prepared with an entire experience so okay so here is the uh halloween horror nights at universal one star review by tyler tyler says i had to delete 56 and a half photos on my phone just to clear up enough memory to download yelp to write this review so already committed here tyler uh do not waste your money this was horrible we saw two attractions in eight hours for 97 each please spend your money somewhere else as i will be next year i'm now thinking maybe this person was stuck on that ride with you for eight hours i understand that for like a hundred dollars i i get it but also universal is an experience where you have to be

very um you have to walk in prepared to be bougie to to enjoy the experience right like i got front of line tickets which was definitely more than that and that's how you end up seeing more attractions if you get general admission you spend so much money and you're only there for you only get like one attraction and it ends up not being worth it i remember like when when you were going a couple years ago, like we both worked like minimum wage jobs. And you would literally save up money just to have that experience. For the entire year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the entire year.

Well, Allie and I went twice now since we've moved here. And we went to Costco. And Costco sells three tickets for like $120. And they also, their season, season so universal i'm not saying this is like an appropriate amount of money to spend but universal has like a platinum pass where it's like free parking and you get 20 off all the merchandise and everything um and that's like 400 it's like a wild amount of money but you get a year-long season pass but at costco they're like 200 no that's worth it then that's worth it absolutely costco has the best deals for universal absolutely also has the best deals on turkey and wine so you

know if you're going go go it's got i think more than just those three things but let's let's stay with those i'm sorry i tend to derail okay but anyway thank you tyler i don't know what half a photo is to be clear um that is something that we should really investigate but i have photos also we should see if that works if it's exactly 56 and a half photos every time you have to download an app for yelp just alone because i wonder if per app the exchange rate is different like oh sure oh to to get twitter on my phone i have to delete 78 and a quarter pictures. But Facetune? Wait a minute.

I mean, there you go. That's a solid 100 right there. 100 and a half, I think, actually. 100.3. It depends on whether they're live photos or not, I will say. Oh, that actually might make more sense. We've gone through one review. I'm so sorry.

I know. No, it's not you. It's me. Welcome to this. Welcome to me not knowing anything other than banter. Listen to our other show. If you don't enjoy what's happening, also listen to our other show because it's not you. It's me. Welcome to this. Welcome to me not knowing anything other than banter. Listen to our other show. If you don't enjoy what's happening, also listen to our other show because it's really good.

Sorry this episode's going to be so long. Okay. The next one I, the next place I picked is a place that's close to both our hearts. It was an early episode and it's a place we like to go together. It is called the Queen Mary in Long Beach, California. Yes. This was episode eight of our podcast, I think. Babies. So we've gone quite a way. so this is a full circle if you will we started a one podcast with this and now we're

in a whole other podcast with this really beautiful so this is a one-star review by dr dave love it vague dr dave uh dr dave says ship looks like it's gonna sink. By the way, it does not. No, Dr. Dave has a, is, I think, a little nervous Nellie. It's a shame the disrepair. It's like watching a work of art crumble before my eyes. Wow, this guy's dark. And security here do not like people exercising on sidewalk. There are no signs posted saying any kind of hours or code of conduct.

The saying 4 a.m. workout is best. First of all, hang on. What is happening? Wait a minute. Dr. Dave does say the saying 4 a.m. workout is best is a lie. Well, I could have told you that Dr. Dave.

Some things you don't need medical school for. What is this? The lie is with a capital L. All of the morbid okay all the morbid obesity first of all dr dave needs to learn how to spell all the morbidly obese i guess is what he's saying security guards come at me with hostile posturing and make up rules as they eat twinkies wow dr dave it is sad but true my city is in crumbles. Look at the ship, resting Hulk. Okay, let's hash this one out.

It's so bad. Did he? I like that Dr. Dave had to let everyone know he's a doctor, even though he doesn't know how to spell or be a nice fucking person. No. Also, apparently he just does lunges out in front of the Queen Mary. What does that mean? All he does

is exercise and judge at 4 a.m he sounds like my mother a little bit where he takes one look at a ship that he has no relation to and goes my city is in crumbles the most dramatic thing i've ever heard in my life a piece of art that i've never seen before but now it means so much resting hulk oh my god i'm wondering if he was doing something very threatening like some sort of martial arts on the sidewalk and the security was like you're so close to hitting all these children walking by you it's too too much you didn't pay the 40 entrance fee and you're truly whacking it's like apparently they were eating twinkies maybe he just wanted a twinkie and they weren't offering anyway there is there is one other one. This is another one-star review. I don't know why I'm saying one-star review as if nobody understands the gist of this.

Sometimes there are two. Okay. So, I mean, it is nice of you to clarify because sometimes there are two. Okay. This is a one-star review. Shocker. By Bonita. Bonita says, took three teenage granddaughters to ghost tour and spent the night.

About 40 cars in parking lot. Not a lot of overnight guests but at all caps by the way in case no one understood that at 1 30 in the morning the room next door became occupied by two couples at top of their lungs probably drunk playing their rap itunes okay this is my grandmother cussing are you back? Cussing every word, I called front desk. Jessica answered and said they couldn't refuse the room. What? I mentioned that she could have security go pay them a visit.

She said she would at 3 a.m., still going strong. I called again. Security said they didn't hear anything, so they didn't contact them. We packed our bags and I spoke to Jessica, who said she was the manager, that the room next door had rights. This person does not know how to write a sentence. I feel like- It's terrible, right?

Reading these sometimes. I feel like it's, well, the lack of spaces and the amount of capital letters. What about my rights? Aren't we entitled to sleep in our bed quietly she she looked like she was going to cry i said really you're going to cry then she got on the phone and told security i was harassing her based on the amount of exclamation points in the last five sentences i guarantee you she's harassing us right now she's harassing my eyes i keep thinking i'm saying everything wrong uh why couldn't she give us a quiet room

i got in the car with my poor three grandkids and came home never darken the door if you want sleep what on earth is going on there can i do a one-star review on her one-star review please because this was just atrocious to have to read part is their rap itunes it sounds exactly like someone's just trying to like pigeonhole or not pigeonhole uh why can't i think of the word but find very specific reasons to hate this yes i'm picturing her though like driving her grandkids home and writing this out the way it was written writing it out on her phone while driving and kind of checking over like do i have enough caps in there it's like she intentionally turned off autocorrect and then made Siri do all this talk to text.

Yes, the talk to text. She just screamed. Yeah, it sounds like it. I don't know what else to say except apparently Bonita is never going back to the Queen Mary and I hope to never be near Bonita, period. Honestly, if we go to the Queen Mary, I really hope she never darkens their door because I really don't want, if I play my rap iTunes, I don't want anyone bothering me. How are we sure this wasn't the two of you?

Actually, you know what? You can't be really. That can't be confirmed. Yeah. We neither confirm nor deny. I wish I could tell you is the answer to that. Okay. The next place I went back to your home area.

I love a good home area. Of Virginia. Yes. And I couldn't find a haunted house attraction in fredericksburg where you're from that's because there's none sure that so google would have could answer that for you with a simple text google did tell me that i was trying to be surprising i see tough i appreciate it i did find a place called the haunted hill in part low okay i know about part low okay part low virginia yes and there's one review for you my sister i don't

think she lives there anymore but she spent quite a long time in part low really yes it's probably like a maybe a half hour from project spirit oh yeah it's 28 minutes i checked okay so you know that i don't know i'm telling you you've done your research okay the haunted hill in part low virginia there this is a one-star review by adam we were basically assaulted by an actor okay starting strong i understand we signed a waiver that we will be touched but that's fine but we had a chainsaw thrusted at our butts is this was tina belcher and partlow i'm confused really i was dressed as tina when i was researching this some people would pay extra for that privilege that was a service

that was offered people are one starring in. Come on. One person in my group had a terrible bruise from it. Would not recommend unless you want to take the chance. I would not recommend bringing kids as the actors do not seem to have control of themselves. They're like a butt. Wow. I'm coming with my chainsaw. A chainsaw butt thrust.

That sounds like a very spooky karma sutra. I like that they got a bruise from it right right right i bet this adam fella would host a haunted house but it's one of those like christian ones oh yeah that are like about what would happen i will say part low is known to be a little more conservative so i think the second there was anything near his butt i can confirm he was uncomfortable he was deleting 56 and a half photos and he was doing whatever he could to get the word out like this is the word capital w yeah this is in part low of material all right um i will say i deleted this part but at the end it said the by the way the actor's name was blank and i was like okay we don't need to like call out this butt loving actor how would they know i don't know either i we don't need to call out this butt-loving actor. How would they know? I don't know either.

I really don't know. It sounds like some sort of smear campaign, if you ask me. It sounds like even if this is a one-star review, there was already a complaint made to the staff. Yeah, usually that happens. And then this was just an additional... All right. Adam needs to find things to do with his time. Yes, well, that sounds about right.

Besides touching chainsaws or butts. Well, his butt has seen better days. Okay, so the next one I have is something special to both of us. And this is the Underwood Family Farms, which I know you now go to with your loving girlfriend, Allison. But you and I used to go back when I was your favorite person. I have an update, actually, about that. What? I know I'm going so far over time.

No, no. What's the update? Also, you welcomed Em Schultz onto your show, so sorry about that. This was our mistake. So I went this weekend, and I made sure to reach out, and I asked them. Here's the thing. When Christine and I first became friends, I took her to Underwood Family Farms, and we weren't even really friends yet.

I just wanted to go not alone, and Christine was the only person in Los Angeles I knew. And I had a plaid shirt. And she was dressed for the occasion so we went and we became friends on that tractor ride together and the driver's name was farmer bob and ever since then we've never ever heard about farmer bob talk about him in lore so i reached out and i asked if anyone knew where we could find Farmer Bob. He was a ghost. He wasn't real. That would have been way more fun, actually. You're spoiling the story. So I don't know anything.

We've never had a Farmer Bob. In 60 years, we've never had a Farmer Bob. Sorry. Tell your story. So because we're psychopaths, at least like we're Geminis, so in some ways the same. Yes. I know many details that i don't need to know about our relationship i know many intimate dates and facts and all that good stuff sure so

i went up to someone like i did not have my entire mind and i was like hello do you have any payroll subs from october 30th 2016 stop it and i said i'm looking specifically for a tractor volunteer named bob and they said we don't have any payroll but i happen to know the bob that worked that day i like how instead of saying do you know someone named bob you're like i need payroll stuff i was like what i was like i don't i asked probably in a less crazy way but i did say like i gave them the backstory first i I was like, I'm specifically looking for the man that gave me my best friend.

Stop it. So do you have any documents that allow me more information on this man? Oh my God. My eyeliner whiskers are tearing. Apparently, I know now his first and last name, the location he lives in,

his job. I know that he was actually, he's a doctor. No, he's not he is this person gave a lot of information out to a stranger yeah this seems a little unsettling to me apparently he was a volunteer farmer that or a volunteer tractor driver only that year he's had i found out he has back and neck problems fun fact what's happening i learned a lot about him so ideally i would like to connect with him with you later but i wanted to give you an update i would also enjoy that now farmer bob is a part of our lives again

so do you have the pay stubs is what i want to know i don't volunteer i don't have pay stubs but i've definitely google searched him he's a big he's he's strong in my search engine right now probably know his chiropractor okay anyway i yes okay here we go um underwood family farms i'm so sorry i was saying forever this is a two-star review by karen okay i found many little white worms inside the fruit is that normal um it if the fruit's not good who are you asking karen why are you asking people in yelp this stuff also after, there's a caterpillar emoji. You're right. Yeah, I forgot to mention that, of course.

And I feel like this is more of a question for Reddit, not Yelp. Very true. I feel like this is a question for whoever gave out Bob's chiropractic information. His name was Tim, by the way. Farmer Tim. Ask Farmer Tim, because Tim seems to know the truth about everything. Farmer Tim has too much information that he's willing to provide for free. So there's also a one-star view by emily uh emily says the pony ride is dangerous it happened today so we're starting

out very ominous that's like the first sentence of an entire book today the horse started bucking violently and my daughter was flailing back and forth staff was non-existent they even didn't approach me after to check my poor girl the girls in charge were denying what happened with zero empathy it was scary and very sad color me shocked by the way that ponies have to deal with a million screaming children all day and don't get a little upset and maybe don't flail one or two children around and also all of the staff are volunteers what are they gonna do like get involved with an angry pony no like strapper to a what are they going to do? Like, get involved with an angry pony? No. Like, strap her to a... What do they call?

The saddle? What? Stretcher. I don't know. The gurney? Gurney. Stretcher? I don't know.

Who? Wait, what? The volunteers. They're putting the pony on the stretcher? No, the little girl who's flailing. Oh. If it gets that bad, the least they can do is strap her down to a gurney. I was just saying, they're volunteers.

They don't have a gurney. No, all they've got are mean ponies. And a lot of white worms. And a lot of white worms. And a lot of Farmer Tim's information. We all have that, actually. This is a one-star review by Adam. Don't ever leave your wagon unattended.

Pumpkin thieves roam the grounds taking pumpkins when you're not looking. It's a pumpkin patch. What do you mean pumpkin thieves? I've been there with them. It's like full of toddlers. Yeah, the pumpkin thieves can't lift the pumpkins because they are two years old. Oh my god. Wow, you guys found a lot.

Apparently we should not go back to those places. I had a fun morning. Remember when I texted you this morning, I can't wait to see you? It was literally right now. And I was like, I am having so much fun right now. I actually had to delete like six reviews because I had so fucking many. We're gonna have to go through those independently later. We will.

I have them bookmarked. Don't worry. One star review also by Sophia. The volunteers are treated like slaves. That I can believe at this point. It sounds like they're going through it with the angry ponies. The flailing and the gurneys. My son, who was on the baseball team at the high school, was kind enough to donate his

time during the holidays. The female manager. I don't like that, by the way. Capital F, capital M enough to donate his time during the holidays. The female manager... I don't like that, by the way. Capital F, capital M. Yeah. Okay. You'll see. It reminds us of the...

What is it? The feminist agenda. Capital F, capital A. There's a feminist agenda. Oh, I love it. It's part of the Yelp circle. They have a... I see.

They complain about the feminist agenda. Yeah, you have to clarify when someone's a woman. Of course. It's very important. That makes the most sense, I see. Anyway, the female manager yelled at my son to get up and off the bench my son was clearly having an asthma attack actually it's um asthma attack was having uh i was like i was yes you're right you're putting your own intelligence on you're projecting i'm i'm projecting like trying to get through the sentence yeah for eight hours he worked so hard but the hay was affecting his breathing he here i'll make sure i do it right thank you he asked for some water

and this monster of a supervisor said he would have to buy it shame on you underwood farms you are so lucky i did not get out of my car i would be in jail right now wow that's okay i'm so confused about this scenario why is she in her car i don't know is she in her car? I don't know. Was she in her car for eight hours while her son was getting an asthma attack? Exactly. What? If she was nearby, shouldn't she have helped her son with his breathing problems? Oh my God.

I think maybe the son was in the car having the asthma attack and she was busy parked yelling out the window. Can't you see he's having an asthma attack? And what are you doing to help? Yeah. Well, they're like, there's this girl flailing on a pony and we're trying to help her imagine if all of these like problems happened all at one time it's like that meme where spongebob's in a brain and there's just fire everywhere i honestly think what happened is she went to pick up her son was like i was volunteering he's like oh i had an asthma attack and i couldn't stand up off the bench and so this lady told me to get off the bench and like that and now she's

threatening that she would have she would have killed stabbed skilled one person murder the supervisor or the whole farm the female supervisor oh the feet no that's the female man oh i'm sorry you're right i hate all of this to be it's all very bad it's very bad anyway let's never go back to underwood family farms except let's go every year. Except let's always go and always leave five-star reviews. Now, I went to a deep dive here, and I found where you used to work as a Segway tour guide. Okay, I know I said I was a crazy person earlier, but you're a crazy person. How did you know where I worked?

I just figured it out. Okay. The internet holds a lot of- It's not hard. There's not many segue places in yorktown virginia there actually are not you're right and i did confirm that you work there and you confirmed i confirm that you work there we'll find out later did you call them i did not call them you know i have phone anxiety but she has your pay stubs i see you found my payroll from

october 2016 i asked farmer tim and he was like oh hell yeah i have all he was like trust me i've been on that segue ride one too many times farmer tim gives up all um so i did find i did find one one star review of the i will say it was very hard to find any negative reviews the place called what patriot tours and patriot tours and provisions yep don't know what the hell that means, but it was, so it was a kite shop on the boardwalk. Oh dear. That also provided. So it started as a kite shop slash like a boardwalk store. Oh,

um, that had like flags and it had like, uh, like beach games and kites, kites, and like provisions, little drinks and snacks and stuff. The only provisions you need.

And, uh, as a way to gain, uh, some addiction some additional income, they also provided history Segway tours throughout all of Yorktown Beach. And then during the Halloween season, they decided that they were also going to start doing ghost tours. So that's how I became a ghost hunter. Sure. The very early, very early signs of that.

I realized after I did, I was like, how does this have a connection to Halloween? I'm so glad you just created one. Yes. So thank you for that. There you go. I have an important question. Yeah yeah something that's on my resume and i've talked about on the show um after doing a segway tour in dc yeah i was given a card that says uh you have sexy legs wait a minute is that something that you have as well that is not i mean

i do i i mean if we're speaking on personal interest yes i do personally have nice legs i've had christine grab them many times and confirm for yeah but are they nice or are they I mean, if we're speaking on personal interest, yes, I do personally have nice legs. I've had Christine grab them many times and confirm for me. Yeah, but are they nice or are they sexy? I would say due to, I would say if you asked me in 2014, they'd be sexy because they were specifically toned from standing on segways for hours on end. The calf muscles were tuned. And it's a specific arrangement of muscles that you use for the segway, exactly. I would say the calves bulge a little more.

Yeah. Wow. Since then, they've thinned out. It's no wonder I always find Segway drivers especially attractive. Yeah, it's on the cabs. It's on the cabs. I'm done. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm so happy. I will say, it was very hard to find one star view, so this is the only one. This is from Jacqueline. Jacqueline says, I took the 1 o'clock tour on May 27th, 2018. Okay. I was not there. Thank God.

Yeah. Alexander loves when people specify the exact hour and minute and date. The more specific, the better for me. That's why I asked Farmer Tim about October 30th, 2016. You're on it. My rating of one is because when I had my unfortunate accident and fell off the Segway, the tour guide did not have a working walkie talkie. Very unprofessional.

So I can't speak to this. So first of all, I never once had anyone fall off the Segway. Before we give a tour there, they make you spend like a good 10, 15 minutes learning how to actually ride the Segway. And then we tell you all the rules. The only ways you can fall is if you do this, this, this, or this. So we kind of have this. I'm not going to speak towards the management because I love both people who run the company and I don't want anyone to like go scream at them.

However, it has been said many times amongst many parties that if you fall off a Segway, it's because you're intentionally being an asshole. It's very hard. It's very, very hard to fall off a Segway, it's because you're intentionally being an asshole. It's very hard. It's very, very hard to fall off a Segway. It's built to be able to not be falling off unless you're intentionally trying to carve and like jump off sidewalks or do sharp turns or go faster than we tell you to. So I'm going to say Jacqueline was not listening. Maybe not. To the tour guide.

I will say I rode a Segway one time and it was in athens greece and it was probably the biggest mistake of my life it was extremely dangerous we were driving like up streets that had like like highways it was just very dangerous and um i didn't i was very bad at it but i did not fall off i drove into several cars and the tour guide was like get out of here and i definitely yeah you can also fall off if a car hits cars and the tour guide was like get out of here and i definitely yeah you can also fall off if a car hits you like you could be driving perfectly i didn't i dented a few cars i never fell off and so if this person is falling off the segue they're doing something really wild i will say that's that's our bad if the walkie talkie wasn't working but if you fell

off the segue i can tell you i literally was the tour guide that did the the exact tour that jacqueline went on for years. And I never had anyone fall off because there's really not a way to fall off if you're listening to your tour guide. I just pictured Jacqueline on the floor, like, typing, like, downloading, like, deleting 56 and a half photos and typing it. Exactly. Like, waiting for help to arrive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Okay, so the only things I have left for you here are redemptions. I love it. Which means they're all five stars because I figure after all this negativity, we need to cleanse the air. Cleanse the air. Thank you. I hear you. So the first redemption I have for you is of the Queen Mary because we love it so much and I can't leave it on such a sour note as Twinkie eating lungers out front. A thousand percent.

Yep. Except I would be a Twinkie eating lounger. Actually, lunger, I said. Oh, oh, oh. Neither of us are lungers we're loungers for sure i'll take double the twinkies though yeah okay you take the twinkies i'll just lounge so this five-star review is by ella ella says i had a great time my friend emma ellie callie no you have to specify oh i'm sorry i forgot this is like alexander schieffer's

show like where details i love the details it's all in the details every single parentheses i had a great time my friend emma 15 ellie 13 callie 12 mimi 11 and i 16 that was important went to went to queen mary and it was all fun and game fun in games not fun and games by the way uh until i decided to be risky and go ahead and check out room B340. That's the most haunted room, by the way. It is the most haunted room on the entire ship. It was a huge bad mistake. It was fine for the first three minutes until Emma went to the bathroom and heard a knock and hum in the shower.

And she was washing her hands. And then she ran out quickly and hugged me super tight and told me what happened. This is all one sentence by the way and then i went to check it out with her and i turned the light on and heard a faint screech we ran out and told the others and then i screamed still the same sentence and then i heard a scream outside in the hall or something for the next 10 to 15 minutes nothing really happened except a pillow fell of the couch when we were all on the bed watching youtube videos and then 10 minutes later 3 a.m a loud bang and then four seconds or something later bang bang and then as i walk up to the door i saw a face for like two seconds and it flashed away

still all the same sounds by the way i told the girls and then we heard something i went to peek around the corner and the door creaks open slowly but surely and the creaking was loud and then the closet door slammed shut and then a louder than ever bang i'm sorry i'm sorry i can't oh no we're sorry this is a mess this is not your mess and then the closet door slammed shut and then a louder than ever bang getting closed by the seconds Emma and Ellie and also Mimi started to cry. All the same sentence. Started to cry. Callie and I were getting watery eyes.

And then at 528 or something like that, we played Bloody Mary and I saw a girl with an orange dress with pink spripes and another louder bang and the girl had light blonde hair and purple and black glasses and yellow braces, quanned. She yawned and banged on the bathroom door and as I looked at her, she fades away

slowly but surely. We even play the Ouija board at 3.56 and we heard screaming, scragatching, and bangs all one sentence. Oh my god. That was cruel. I'm sorry, that was really mean of me. That was a challenge. I thought I was gonna absolutely

fail that test. I had to check and see if I wrote that in the 8th grade. I think I blacked out. I don't even know what happened. Was there a bang in there? Me too, because my breath was I held my breath the entire time. I was like screeching. I like how there's a girl with spripes and yellow braces, which yellow braces sounds pretty foul. That sounds like someone who'd seize the bathroom more often and brush the teeth.

She was probably humming in the shower. Everything was very confusing. Listen. I just love all these preteens that are probably screaming in this room and like. I like how Emma 15, Ellie 13, Callie 12, Mimi 11, and I 16. None of them could like like proof read this first no and none of them could book a hotel room legally so i don't know how they ended up by the way we've looked into this room it is 499 a night oh yeah maybe mimi 11 paid for it mimi 11 clearly was the payroll here because i don't know who else could have run this thing great i wonder

if the bangs were just part of their rap itunes that they were listening to wait a minute the bang bang i mean that might have just been the beat it's the rap itunes for sure right also the humming there's a lot oh yeah really the pillow fell because the bass was just so much i love it rap itunes oh my god i will never get over that now i, I couldn't leave Patriot Tours and Provisions on a one star, so I found a five star review written on November 18th, 2012. Oh, shit. Did I work there at that time? You did.

Is this a review about me? Perhaps. Oh, my God. At least it's a five star. Thank God. I saved it for redemptions. Truly, what a redemption. I'll never have a higher point in my life than Patriot Tours, a five star review.

Don't ever look at our itunes reviews again because you're just going to drag yourself down five star review by r i immediately think r is the greatest person on earth make sure you get m oh wow this is very nice make sure you get m we had not been on a segue in a while but m made us instantly comfortable they are an excellent tour guide and had some really funny stories to share also gave us a great recommendation for lunch we will be going back again oh that's so nice where did they go for lunch they went to the carrot tree hotel uh the carrot tree restaurant oh it was the only place i ever recommended that's so great they were actually two positive reviews about you there

weren't even many on trip advisor but there were the two positive there were two positive ones about you oh that's nice one was just a lot shorter but they both said basically the same thing oh that's very nice well also i i intentionally pushed people to do a yelp review because i got a ten dollar bonus every time there was a yelp review yeah was this just your friend no is r your friend no i think r was actually um one of the people that was on the ghost tour that I went on where I got detained by the police. Wow, what? Tell us that. Well, you'd think they would mention that in their TripAdvisor review,

but maybe not. Yeah, five stars, but also was detained by the police on site as our tour guide. You're getting coughed. It was like, carrot, fruit, book, book, book. Get a salad at the camp. Please go. No, so I feel like I've mentioned this to you before but i don't have any memory one of the first um ghosts investigate one of one of the first versions of

investigating i ever did was i was a tour guide for ghost tours but it was an um it was an immersive getting to use equipment ghost tour so it wasn't just hearing us tell stories you actually got to break off into groups and do your own ghost hunting with equipment that we had fun and uh i at one point it completely shut down and we were never allowed to do ghost tours again because on one tour i got detained by the police what and that was the end of my ghost tour career i did nothing here's the thing in yorktown beach there was one house that if you become the park ranger of yorktown beach um and i think uh the like the greater kind of colonial triangle i know it's just it's just got to be yorktown beach um you get to live in that house for free and it's

like this really old historic house same thing if you're the mayor of yorktown there's a whole other house on the same street you get to live on um but if you're the park ranger you get to stay in this house and live there for free for as long as you're the park ranger the park ranger uh the park service and patriot tours specifically hated each other and probably still do to this day because the park service thought that um by having segways we were going we were rolling all over these historic grounds i love that you guys were the rebels on segway we were no we had a we had very specific rules when i worked at patriot tours like you can only ride their segways up to this exact spot and after that the park service will like literally drive their

patrol car over and like yell at you in front of your entire group not good um and so when we started doing ghost tours they hated that too because we were going into very historic homes from like the 16 1700s and they were afraid we're going to ruin something or maybe someone on tour would break something houses with your segways i mean presumably we sometimes we would park the segway at that spot you didn't roll i assume there were like permits involved and you there it was just break into these it was legal but ill-advised okay but it was legal so it was legal so we were allowed to get away with it but the park service hated us every single time that we were on a segue or doing a ghost tour and we were near like a park ranger they like we just didn't even look at them they hated us that's anxiety

you really don't need when you're already rolling around with a bunch of strangers on a segue yes so uh basically there was one time in the last time where i was doing a ghost tour and it was a group of maybe five to six maybe seven people and um i was leading it i was by myself i was kind of the unsung manager of this i didn't handle money but pretty much the oh i read your linkedin don't worry well the uh the two people that run all of patriot tours they kind of just trusted me they're like they knew i was really into the ghost stuff and they're like you just do it like we want to go home with our kids like you do every tour sounds like us on the podcast i'm like just exactly so i was the only one that was there everyone else had gone

home for the night and we were walking into one of the houses that we were allowed to go into but the park ranger that night um apparently it was close enough to his house where he was off duty and very drunk oh no he was just drinking by himself and one of the things that we would give people was some lasers and there was a kid on the tour and so i let him play with the laser and apparently the laser he was looking in the windows of this old house and i guess it reflected off that window into the park rangers window or something he he from the corner of his eye he saw that there was something going on on this historic site he forgot that there was a ghost tour that night and this drunk park ranger shows up out of nowhere and starts cussing out my entire tour

um saying that we were trespassing and we need to get off the property. He was saying this as we were in front of a sign that said open to the public until 8. And it was like 6.45. Oh, my God. And so we were like, we're not doing anything wrong. How are you so drunk that you forgot that we have seen each other before? Also, it's 6.45. Get it together. It was something like it was just turning into dusk.

But it was like we were still legally allowed to be there. And we'd been there many times. We'd go there all the time on these tours. And he ended up, he called the police on us. I ended up having to call my boss and be like, we have to, please come here and help me. And we ended up sending all the people home. We gave them all their money back,

but we told them if they came back the next day, they were more than welcome to have a free Segway tour with us. I don't know if they would want to be on a tour with us after that, but two of the women on the tour came back and it was probably the most delightful Segway experience I'd ever had. Oh, maybe it is one of them. But yeah, I remember my boss showed up out of nowhere. He just came back and he handled everything.

But there was a moment where the park ranger was like, get in the car. And I was like, I'm not going to get in the car because I'm literally. And you're drunk, dude. Yeah. Well, also, all the police showed up, too. And so they were like, get in the car because you're facilitating this trespassing. And I was like, I'm there. I'm literally a tour guide. I'm 19 years old. I was 2012. How old was I? i was like i'm there's i'm literally a tour guide i'm

19 years old i was 2012 how old was i was like 18 i don't know how old i was i was 20 um but i was like i'm not getting in your car so they tried to detain me and i was like let me just call my boss before you put me in a fucking car um and so then as of that my bosses were like all right so we've pushed our limits. We're never doing ghost tours again. Wow. Holy crap. I'm sorry. That was a much longer story than you expected.

Quite a legacy, though. I did. And then I ended up having friends at college who were younger than me. So after I graduated, they still went to CNU. And they ended up, without even knowing I worked there, ended up at Patriot Tours. And they were Segway guides. And I've been in touch with them since. And they're like, yeah yeah i hear we used to do ghost tours but like all of a sudden like someone almost got arrested one time and i was like that was me what a legacy yeah so apparently the story

still gets told you earned this five-star review yes thank you seriously thank you there were two positive reviews about you no other tour guides just you so thank you i appreciate r in 2012 well now this last one is of underwood family farms you know the one with all the worms and the pumpkin themes and farmer bob and farmer bob yep so all right this is a five-star review by cs is this you is it maybe oh my god this random person named cs left a five-star review for the place where we became friends. And CS says,

This place will always hold a special place in my heart because I made a best friend on Farmer Bob's tractor after we followed each other on Twitter. P.S. He's a great driver. Aww. If I had known sooner, I would have added all about his back pain and stuff. But I didn't know. I didn't know. I hadn't talked to Tim yet. I hope Farmer Bob hears about this. He probably will once i get my hands on his phone number he probably will when we just constantly

harass him about this and he's like i volunteered there one fall he's like i did not expect this whole like let's call it an empire i mean that's why we drink anyway anyway thank you farmer bob for all of our dreams that have happened yeah i even i have farmer bob to thank i think farmer bob really did a number on us i don't think he realized that we were on that tractor and we were both like so anyway uh what's your twitter handle like we didn't know what to do because we weren't close or anything we just went to grad school together and then we pulled up each other's twitter and we were like we don't follow each other that's weird and then we both started reading each other's tweets and just like laughing at each other.

And I was like, wow, you're really funny. And then the other was like, no, you're funny. And poor Farmer Bob had to deal with this whole charade. Right. And then we went back and forth and back and forth, followed each other on Twitter. I went home in your Subaru. Yes. And you dropped me off.

And since then. And you told me that I need to start listening to podcasts. And I said, that's right. And I said, what's a podcast? Em said, what's a podcast? And I said, oh, Jim Har said what's a podcast and said what's a podcast i said oh uh jim harold's campfire and my firm murder true crime and paranormal and then i went home and binged both of them and literally a month later i was like do you want to start a podcast and i said no you did i did and then later i said maybe because blaze says i need to branch out and stop being depressed and so we have blaze and farmer bob yay well anyway thank you for being our

guest star today seriously thank you yeah thank you for having me and i'm sure many many more famous people much more famous than me will ever be on this show i literally well ali was just on here well blaze is also i mean blaze that's that's the game changer right there the two of them once we get farmer bob yeah then we'll really peak that's the game changer right there. The two of them. Once we get Farmer Bob, that's who I'm thinking. Yeah, then we'll really peak. That's the peak. Well, thank you for having me before you guys just like skyrocket into having like a bunch of A-listers on the show.

And then I'm like not even qualified anymore. We're just going to delete your episode. I think that, yeah. Once Miley calls us back. Miley. Yeah. I'll just delete this. Here's just the understudy we're practicing.

Thank you for letting me tell all my tales. Thank all right that was so much fun do we say anything to say goodbye or do we just close that one do a goodbye later we can do a goodbye later okay bye bye well we made it oh my i can't believe we made it we hope you guys enjoyed that insanely long episode that we are now gonna have to edit we had such a great time though it was so much thank you to blaze alley m for showing up and doing your thing seriously great thank you guys um for being our first uh guinea pigs slash guests we couldn't have asked for better guests no we couldn't um so maybe we'll figure out a way to do that sometime again in the future um but i thought it was a good good move reach out to miley cyrus um whoever else

basically just miley let's just reach out to miley yeah that's it um okay so now we're going back to regular regularly regularly scheduled programming instead of spooky ooky stuff so this is um a theme sent in by one of our lovely 30 patrons afshin thank you so much for your kind services to our podcast and uh for being you for being awesome being you especially if i pronounce your name wrong because if i did i'm so sorry i'm glad i'm not the one reading it um so afshin afshin either way uh requested grand rapids michigan and so it's funny we just did a little uh live stream and someone else requested grand rapids so we are going to do apartment complexes in grand rapids michigan that's exciting i think that's

a good one that's a really good one apartment complex is something i want to do for a long time so yeah we did we did something like i had a challenge similar and i found so many great ones so i'm glad we're finally doing it traveled all over the country true i did a nice mostly california but then i talked about how a little girl i was on a little girl's youtube channel wow good times yeah good times good times um so what is my challenge your challenge this week is to find a review written by a flat earther so it's a little bit of a twist on something that uh someone emailed us that was ingrid and her um fat cat cora

so shout out ingrid and Fat Cat Cora. I think Fat Cat Cora was actually the one who sent it. Oh, Fat Cat Cora and owner Ingrid. Yeah. I have a feeling that Fat Cat Cora was the brains behind the operation. Yes, absolutely. If that makes any sense. Well, thank you for the suggestion.

And we can't wait to bring you another great episode next week. Yay! And we're going back to some, I mean, I guess we'll be holidaying it up soon, but for now we're going back to the usual stuff. All right. Bye.