Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA

Episode Date: November 13, 2019

*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to join our monthly patron only live stream!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode is sponsored by FabFitFun. Use coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com #fabfitfunpartner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome! Welcome! It is now the evening time, unlike last episode, where it was the morning time. And we're just as sleepy. We are just always tired.

This week we are covering golf courses in Des Moines, Iowa. And you and Ingrid and Fat Cat Cora gave me a challenge. We did. And it was to find a review of somewhere in Florida where an alligator is somewhere it shouldn't be. Which is everywhere. In my opinion, personally, my opinion is they shouldn't be anywhere where humans are. But I would happen to agree. But Florida doesn't.

And I was a little bit... Exactly. It was a very difficult challenge because alligators are everywhere and everyone is acting like they're supposed to be there. No one seems to understand our fear and concern. I think it was so hard for me. I don't even know if I found any. Oh, I did.

It was so hard to find one-star reviews mentioning alligators because everyone was so pumped. Everyone wants them. Well, my friend Joanna from London. I was about to say the amount of British people. Oh my God, really? That are reviewing places in Florida. It must be a thing. So excited to see alligators. Joanna, when I went to New Orleans, Joanna just looked like she was going to cry.

She was like, can you please pet a gator for me? And I was like, what? No, don't. First of all, I won't, obviously. Second of all, why? And she's like, I just love alligators. They're my favorite animals. I love them so much.

And so when I went, I bought her like a little alligator oven mitt. I was like, this is as close as I'm getting to any sort of. And then you pet her head with the alligator, so that she was pet by an alligator. I wanted it to be as close to the real thing as possible. Got it. And since she's from London, she really thought that was pretty accurate. Okay, good. Thank God.

Yep. Thank God they're so ignorant over there. That's about as far as I go toward alligators in my life. I did try to rescue one from a gas station once, but that's a different story. Um, with an oven mitt. How'd you do that? Oh,

it was, it turned out it was an oven mitt actually. Oh, it was, it was just an eye guard. No, there was a, I,

Oh my God, they're hanging this alligator from the hook. They took his body off. Um, sorry. It made him all soft and comfortable. However they do do that, they cut their heads off.

Oh, I know. Uh, I will say there was this uh we were driving through florida on tour with an s-way drink and there was this it was like live baby gators and we thought oh fun like a little zoo no it was a gas station with a fish tank and it had so sad it was horrible even i were so distraught and we were trying to like figure out what to do by the way there was nothing to do yeah and uh i was distraught and we were trying to like figure out what to do. By the way, there was nothing to do. And I was like, oh, cool. And I was like, no, it's suffering.

That is terrible. I was very distraught. I don't like that. No. So that's one I should have told you. Well, thank you. That's one. Where it shouldn't be. But apparently no one else thought that. Yeah, that's confusing down there. I don't like it.

Why are we talking about florida so much i know we got to save that for later all right so do you want to start with golf courses i think we should why don't you give us a review though sure so the first one that i have is a one-star review of toad valley golf course i did not see that place really what a name yelp toad we're doing all sorts of uh toad valley it's like mario marioibians? Mario Golf. Are you sure? Reptiles? Is it real? Don't...

Stop. Don't ask me. Don't act like I should be answering because I'm going to embarrass myself. Scales. Scales. I don't think toads have scales. Okay. Someone's going to correct me, though.

Toad Valley Golf Course. One star by TS. Fairways and tee boxes were not mowed. Also, when colder weather begins, do not allow tee times before 10 a.m. to accommodate for the frost to melt. Also, the clubhouse gentleman kept calling me wild man. I was happy I read this far into the review. I know. It started off, I'm like, uh-oh, where are we going?

I was very bored. I had a couple questions and the immediate response I got was, what's off, I'm like, uh-oh, where are we going? I was very bored. I had a couple questions, and the immediate response I got was, what's that, wild man? I don't know. What? Is this a thing? I don't know. Maybe I look like a wild man.

But stop calling people that. Look, he was a nice enough guy, but it was annoying. End of review. How many stars? One. That's hilarious. He's so, like, flustered and confused. I would be, too.

Me, too. But then I would just kind of take it and be like, I guess my name's Wildman now. Like, not to throw him under the bus, but Blaze has been calling people Boss. Like, thanks, Boss. Oh, no. It's like a thing. Yeah. under the bus, but Blaze has been calling people boss. Like, thanks, boss. Oh, no. It's like a thing. Yeah. At the hospital, I guess.

And so, like, I make fun of him for that, but wild man is like... Another level. New. I mean, that also might have something to do with this person's appearance, which is probably not a good thing to do. They are at Toad Valley, so... Toad Valley. Might be a compliment.

Yeah, if you're being called wild man, you're something special. You fit right in. If you're at toad valley um it's like when lisa though um called me uh andrew andrew and i never oh yesterday yeah she still continues she still does okay now she does as a joke but at the time i like just sat there and she called me andrew at least three times during dinner and then eventually blaze was like, oh, his name's not Andrew. And she was like, what? And I'm like, yeah, I was just ready to kind of change my name and accept it.

That's what we do. We're so passive that we're like. That is so me. I hate that. That's my name now, I guess. Yeah. Okay. Wild man is me and I am wild man.

I guess it's easy to mix up with Christine. Oh, man. Yep. No, wild man. Yep wild, man. I guess it's easy to mix up with Christine. Oh, man. Yep. No, wild, man. Yep, wild, man. Okay, my review is, my first review is from AH blank golf course. AH blank? It's called blank?

Yes. Oh. And I, yes. I was like, that's a space. No. Okay, got it. Oh, if I'm including those, A dot h dot blank blank blank golf blank course to be fair it's rare that we find punctuation in these so when we do it is very exciting yes okay here

is a two-star review by derrick the main issue i had with this place was that they don't care one bit about the integrity of the mini golf course oh Oh dear God. It sounds like I'm being petty, but taking my kids to play a quick hour of putt-putt is just as important to me as the guy who drives his two-seater Jag up there every day and spends four hours on the course trying to shave a couple off his handicap. Yet if the greens on the 18 were littered

with random branches and seeds from overhead foliage, the entire maintenance department would get fired. I might not spend $10,000 every year on club dues, aka I want to feel important, but I bet I can network 100 people to spend their money elsewhere until blank golf course makes some improvements and at least gives us commoners the illusion you care about us too. End of review.

Oh my. I have, i want to clear things up here number one this golf course is a public golf course nobody's paying ten thousand dollars to be not that i could find understood it costs on the week the busy times like the puppet no the regular golf okay busy times thirtyy times. $30 for 18 holes. That, at least for me living in LA right now, is insanely cheap. Yeah. When I played golf, I just played in Scottsdale. Arizona.

Arizona. For two people, a cart, and everything was like $200. But that was with the Jag too, right? Oh, yeah. With our two-seater Jag. It was $200. And it was also like a bachelor party. It was for a special thing. I was like, okay. It was like you-seater Jag. Yeah. It was $200. And it was also like a bachelor party. It was for a special thing. I was like, okay.

It's like you're splurging. Yeah. It was a little bit of a nicer course than I would normally play. But that's a lot of money. Yes. And like $30 for a course that's public. And I looked it up. It is nice.

And Christina, this putt-putt, we've played a lot of putt-putt in our lives. We have. It is the nicest putt-putt thing. It is insane. If you look up this putt-putt, it looks like... It have the nicest putt-putt thing it it is insane if you look up this putt-putt it looks like it's insane i heard there were some seeds on the course oh my god no i know think about growing up and playing putt-putt the number of branches and everything that's on the putt-putt course dad would take his leather loafers his leather loafers and he would just kick the branch out of the way in front of the chipmunk it literally happened all the time all

the time that All the time. That's just normal. There was one I read too that was like, they need to remove trees, they keep touching me. And I was like, what is, why are you walking? That's just so stupid. Anyway. It was just like so extreme.

And then the whole anti-golfer thing bothered me. I know, you're so discriminated against. Okay. As a golfer. That was a bad episode for me me i should not be doing this no i mean it is a little silly like the guy in his two-seater jack what is like you're paying five dollars to play putt-putt it's a branch you can move it yeah i used to volunteer and i did you do it once i did the first tee and it's all about like teaching life skills through golf

golf to children i mean it's it's what is for everyone it's what about, like, teaching life skills through golf to children. I mean, golf is for everyone. It's what our preppy private school called volunteering. It's not. It wasn't even through our school. Stop it. No, it's a very good program. Anyway.

There was a kid who always told me he was finding smooth rocks everywhere. Yeah. I love that kid. And then there was one, or maybe it was, no, it was a different one. The one who had the little paper cups that were like cones, and he'd put it on his head and be like, look, party hats for babies. We had some good memories. It was the greatest kids.

These golf kids. One kid was like, one kid came up to me and went, I'm pretty worried. And I was like, me too. What's happening? And I was obviously don't know how the hell to play golf. So I was like, I don't know how the hell to play golf so i was like um i don't know if i'm the right person to help you he's like no i'm worried about my mom and he was probably like six and i was like oh no what happened and he's like well you see i have this weather radio at home oh yeah and he was like and this morning some static came through

and it looks like a storm might be rolling in and i was like okay and it was like three in the afternoon after school and he was like i just gotta get home to make sure my mom's gonna be okay tonight i was like oh my god you're five are you okay with your weather radio and then the other kid had a rock polisher so these kids were like the i mean gems golf is for everyone is the moral of this story not for me but everyone else yes uh okay so here we go this is a review of legacy golf club this is a one star by jim this club sucks a total dump i someone broke one of the gps screens and they blamed it on me wait you said i somehow did it for all you didn't slip i someone oh my god so essentially he wrote i know someone but forgot to delete the i uh-oh i someone broke

one of the gps screens and they blamed it on me. I had to pay $190 before they would let me leave. I took a dump in one of the sand traps, and the guy running the place saw me but didn't care. He said he does it all the time. End of review. Oh my god. That took a really aggressive turn. Yeah, those GPS screens, though.

I don't know what's happening or if that's true. Well, the GPS, I mean, I know that if, like, they check the carts every single time you use them, and they know exactly who uses them where. There was another review, and there weren't many, about a guy saying, they said I broke a different year, like, two years later. So, clearly, there's an issue about this. They know. If you broke it, they know it's you.

Because if it's broken... Because no one else is using the cart and they check the carts after every single use. And they have GPS on them. Yeah. And they can probably track when they stop working. Okay. Just take a dump in the sand trap like everyone else. God. Okay.

It's disgusting. That is gross. I'll give you that that one's gross um i have another one of ah blank golf course oh my by theresa three stars okay middle of the road never been but love to golf end of review this is the most helen mcguggan bullshit i ever heard. I know. I just love that shit. That is terrible. Okay, this is the most. Of anything that I, like when we see those reviews, I've never been.

Golf courses in Des Moines is the most I've seen that. Really? Each golf course had some variation of it. I mean, it wasn't on Yelp, but Google, you do Google reviews. That's why. Because it pops up on their Google Maps if they drove by. And I think if they spent like some time nearby then it'll be like how was this and i guess since golf courses are so big dangerous

that did the companies respond like uh well you should try it no no i don't think i saw a single golf course response in this whole thing what are you gonna do man okay i have one of north 40 miniature golf i too took the term golf course you'll see that i did as well so don't worry okay did we do the same thing maybe okay this is north 40 miniature golf two stars by. Do not put you hand in the water on the 16th hole. End of review. What happened? You know, it sounded not so good. The whole, like, it sounded like they struggled to type that out. I think they're missing a hand. I think there's an alligator where it's not supposed to be. Oh my goodness, I should have used that review. But wait.

I had to only look in Florida. I didn't say that. Yep, you did. Check it. Check the tape. Shit. Check the tape. Rewind the tape.

Do not put your hand in the water on the 16th hole. Maybe, um, let's think of a thing. Why would you write that without what in God's name would compel you to write that and think they'll understand. If anything, that's going to make me want to go there and put my hand in there. Absolutely. Everyone's hands are now in that pond. Yeah. Wow.

It's an epidemic. That's a problem. Yes. Maybe. Wow. All of my limbs will be in that by the end of the week i can promise okay anyway you're serious about this i am i'm you and quad are your quads gonna be in there my quads are gonna be missing by the time this is okay alligator infested mini lamp uh lamp uh

lake she looked over at the lamp and was like a lamp oh i mean like she was trying to come up with the word i have not had any alcohol today i blame remicade okay good that's fair i did do these at remicade again it's the trend that's the problem no it's so far so good okay your turn my next one is of warrior run Golf Course, which is technically Norwalk, Iowa, but whatever. Cheating, but sure. Well, funny you'd say that. This is a one-star review by Gina. Wasn't there.

Must have been my cheating husband. No, I called it. You did. Whoa, I had a feeling in the air. Yeah, that was my favorite of the wasn't there. Now, this is interesting. So Google alerts are coming up on people's phones, location based, and saying, hey, how was your trip to the other side of the town?

Because they share the same phone? Other side of the railroad tracks. Or the same Google Maps? Or the same Gmail? Maybe. Because if you have a family Gmail. Is that a thing? think so you and blaze have that um i tried and he was like i don't want to be a part of this why for like a calendar okay

because i'm too dumb to figure out how to do a shared calendar and i guess if you guys have things that people you talk to together it might make sense yeah the only time we really had one was when we were collecting rsvps for like dinner and stuff. That makes a lot of sense. And it was like ilovelamp at gmail.com or something. I wonder if Gina's husband was using the wedding account to book his tea time with his... His lady lover? Yeah, his other lover. That's such a sad song. Yeah, but I'm wondering if Gina just doesn't understand how Google works and assumed that that's what it was.

Or Gina's just looking for an out. True. Gina's like, putt-putt. Truth. Okay. Well, whatever. Gina, I wish you the best. Wish you all the best.

Hope you guys are okay. Yeah. Hopefully you're okay, but maybe even separate it if that's better. I'm just saying okay, no matter what happens. No matter what happens, we wish you the best. It'll help you feel better. Don't put your hand in the water in the 16th hole. Maybe that's what her husband did.

Uh-oh. Everyone's doing it. That explains it. Something's in the water, literally. He and his lover putting their hands together and their limbs together in the water. Can we move on? Yeah, please, God. Okay, so the next one I have is a glow golf, which is like indoor.

Mini golf? Yes. Okay. Apparently. Because they have those night golf, like outdoor night golf. Oh. With glow in the dark balls and stuff. This one is indoors.

Okay. During the day and people hate it oh it has like two out of five stars with like unyield with like 40 reviews because people are like the black lights are broken so you can't see and then every time someone opens the front door the whole place just that's hilarious has light in it all of a sudden that's pretty funny apparently it's just not the greatest place um okay this is a once review by eric said it had 54 holes but there were only 18 holes question mark end of review do they actually advertise as 54 hole golf course literally nowhere did i find that they would have 54 that's all fucked on how many is that divisible by 18

that's three that's three different mini golf courses which is a thing like if you go to putt putt like there's one here in elliott there's one i just went to in cincinnati and it's three oh well that's the same location oh you were thinking like i just thought it was 54 in a row just 54 holes i was like that is not a thing okay i get it now so 54 in a row. Just 54 holes. I was like, that is not a thing. Okay, I get it now. So 54 separate, or like three separate. That makes a lot more sense. Yeah. I just kind of like that there was like a space, space, space,

and then like question mark? Waiting for an answer. Did they not get an answer? Eric didn't get an answer. Well, he did get an answer when he showed up, and there were not 53, 54. It's a tiny-ass little shot. Like there's nowhere that I could find that.

They advertise having three separate. Anyway, sorry, Eric, that you had a tough time with only 18 holes. My next review is of the Wakanda Club. Okay. That's a one star by Miles. This is a country club? Yes. Oh, good.

This is not the Wakakanda from black panther end of review what the fuck as if anyone thought that this guy is a local guide no he's not yes take it away it's terrible right hand in your badge hand in your bed and your gun you're you're i know google hands out guns when you become a local guy they do shit i gotta get on that i know same um but yeah it's i assume it's just one of those situations where it's like oh let's review the local country club and make fun of it funny first of all that poor place is probably like oh god like you know every time something comes out some big pop culture thing and something that has a name similar to it is probably like, oh, God. You know, every time something comes out, some big pop culture thing, and something that has a name similar to it is probably like people named A-L-E-X-A.

I don't want to send everyone's thing into a tizzy. Yes. But so now you can't use your own name without setting off a robot. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. Anyway, I think about that a lot. Yeah. like a robot you know what i mean that's true um anyway i think about that a lot yeah so my mind is vast yeah i mean i have that problem though too if people say my full name or even if

they say my name and then something afterwards that has the uh sound what my name Have you heard of it? Alexander Schieffer? Alexa is located in my name. Oh, shit. I just did it. God. You don't count. Holy crap. I had no idea there was one in this room. I didn't either. You scared the crap out of me.

I didn't know there was one in here either. Okay, and we are sorry, everyone. We know, okay. I'm don't even look at me. I am so sorry. I spelled it out. You couldn't understand what I was saying. That's your fault. here either okay and we are sorry everyone we know okay i'm don't even i am so sorry i spelled it out you couldn't understand what i was saying that's your fault i'm saying when people say my name it happens as well that thing happened dumb joke about bad boy podcasting and i didn't want

to give in no what i was just talking about oh people say alex is that what you're saying alex and then say an uh sound afterwards that's not's not. Or they say my, it has happened before. Yes. All right. Not in this house. My dad has been on the phone with me, has said my name. Alexander, dad has 48 Alexas in each room of his house. So it's just bound to happen.

Okay. Okay. That doesn't count. Well, they all just went off like three times. Okay. My turn? Yes. Okay.

Okay. okay um my turn yes okay um so this is one of so this is where i kind of straight off the path straight off the course the cart path straight off course if you will my gps i smashed the screen of my gps and i just drove off into the sunset and i drove all the way to my favorite froth course which one is that it's called the becky's alec disc golf yeah good did you go there too i might have gone there we'll find out i'm worried that we have the same reviews oh okay i only have one from there so we'll see is it by kathy no okay thank god yeah i went to the becky's aleek disc golf course because, much like my least favorite character on The Office, Andy Bernard, you know, a good round of froth can get you going. Kathy loves a good game of froth. And actually, everyone got really mad when people said frisbee golf.

Apparently, it's disc golf, but that's a whole other story. So, Kathy, now, this is a five-star review. It is not a redemption, in my opinion. Oh opinion oh okay i refuse to accept it as a redemption five stars by kathy other than the overpopulation of jamaicans drinking alcohol i love this park geese running aimlessly watch out for their poo. End of review. Excuse me? And then there are two photos. Oh no. There are two photos of a middle-aged white lady drinking fireball. Oh my god. In one hand and a Miller Lite in the other.

People like this should not have access to alcohol. What's going on? Or to public places. I don't know what this has anything to do with disc golf. Jamaican population. Or geese? I'm baffled. And why these photos were necessary, I don't know.

Just blurry photos of a lady drinking Fireball. That's so sad, though. I don't know. That's so obnoxious. So that one just pissed me off, but five stars. Well, Becky, we don't like you. Yep. Kathy, but sure.

Really? I thought you said Becky. I said Kathy, but Becky might have been the lady with the fireball. Okay, well. Who's to say? Whoever you are. But that does remind me of something I didn't use. I found a woman who left a review of a golf course and included some photos, and it was nice.

And then I went to, I forget why, but I looked at her profile because i want to see more information sure and the number of photos she includes she took photos of like she went to subway had the three employees stand next to each other and took their photo went to a um employees the employees went to a car dealership had the two two of the employees buy a car and take a photo this is a lot of work for many of these places that and she was like a contributor and that was what she did on google like her main thing wow she was close to a thousand points um one of her main things was including photos of all these places sometimes it'd be her and her family you know that bitch pays for for the 1999 icloud expansion pack. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it was wild. I'm like, what? But everyone was so happy to be included in these photos. I was very pleased by it. It made me very happy. Usually it's just a mean review with a blurry photo of a hoagie and you're like, what is this? Yeah. But that's kind of nice. It was really nice.

Uplifting. Yeah. And a lot of them didn't even have reviews attached. It was literally just photos. They're like, at this location. It was great. I was pleased. Maybe. They were like, at this location. It was great. I was pleased. Made me happy.

Maybe that's Becky. Yeah. All right. Yes, that's a good one, Becky. Your turn. I have one of Waveland Golf Course. I didn't hear about this one. By Ghostly.

Ooh. Ooh, spooky. Oh, spooky. Okay. Oh, yeah. Three stars. Went sledding, cut open my hand, and sprained my back. So, eh.

But the hills were fun while they lasted. End of review. Oh. You mean your body was fun till it... Yeah, I'm not sure how the hills didn't last. Stopped functioning. I think the problem was that the hills were lasting and were quite steadfast in what they were doing. And your body went against the hill.

They upheld their end of the bargain. Oh, no. But how many stars was this? Three, at least. Okay. So I guess two stars off for the experience. But the experience was completely your fault. It had nothing to do with golf. Please tell me, me god that he's not one of the people who post photos

alongside well ghostly is a local guide so oh my god but there was no photo here oh thank god okay i did not need to see some some wounds uh you know what i say that about every day when i wake up hey try i've got a wound you want to see my wound? I don't. Oh, my. What a scrape that is. You know what happened? A hill stopped working properly? No.

I was dancing on a booth in Scottsdale. Oh, because then I went to a bachelorette party. I mean, bachelorette party. I got off the booth, and I was fine. Like, I wasn't even drunk drunk. I was just having a good time. And I got off the booth. It was quite high. Got off the booth, stood for like a second, and then went to move, slipped on some salt, and landed right on my back and scraped my elbow. I'm concerned because the last two episodes

you have been telling stories about being less than sober in public. Very interesting new tendency you have. This one, oh, yeah, I texted that to her. I was like, oh, she was like, are you having fun? I was like, well, I just fell on my back. I literally, like, fell on my back and, like, my whole body was just like, ooh. Yeah, and then I said, oh, my God, are you, because you said I slipped on ice, so, of course, my first.

No, I said salt. Salt, sorry. So, my first thought is, like, icy salt. Oh, no, it's Scottsdale. I know. It didn't really like, like my, it didn't register. And I was like, holy shit, are you okay? Thinking you fell like outside on the asphalt.

And then you wrote, yeah, I slipped on some salt. Now I'm dancing. And I was like, I don't know. Goodbye. Oh, and I said I was sweating a lot. I'm sweating and dancing. Goodbye. But it was in a very crowded room of people.

It was somewhat embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as the dancing I was doing. Thank God no one recognized you. That's literally what you said. You're like, did anyone say, are you Alex from Beach 2 Sandy? I was waiting for someone to recognize it. No. Okay. So my turn.

Go for it. This is now I just have redemptions. Do you have any more negatives? Just one negative. You go ahead though okay so this is a redemption uh of hyperion field club which is i think another like golf club country club this is a five-star review by ted holiday lunch today with some old pals we like to call the dudes some wild men it was the photo of him was like he looked about to be 50 60 had like those probably in his 50s had those like wraparound dad sunglasses and just looked so sunburnt and happy i love that anyway the dudes had to die for reuben sandwich with homemade coleslaw and a great bloody

mary end of review good for them the dudes are having a such a good time i love it when the dudes have fun i want to join the dudes yeah i love the dudes i'm part of the wild men so the wild men oh okay i have one more review of becky oh that's why i said becky i'm dumb becky zalik disc golf course you are pretty dumb yeah this is a two-star review of bill the review by kathy was of the becky that's what i'm saying that's why i'm being dumb was i was like oh becky said that such an idiot okay probably everyone there's a reason i said becky because i'm like i could have sworn she said becky yeah everyone else was like, oh, Becky said that. Such an idiot. Okay, probably everyone noticed that. There's a reason I said Becky, because I'm like, I could have sworn she said Becky. Yeah, everyone else was like, well, she just said that.

You idiot. Well, you're the idiot for not being like, oh, that's the name of the place. Oh, I know. I'm saying they're calling me an idiot. Oh, yeah, I am too. Okay, this is a two-star review by Bill. Rate high on Challenge, and very wooded. Also a creek slash overflow in the first eight.

Nice baskets. But have to pass. I'm too old now. End of review. What? One star? Two stars. What? Gave a two star review because he's too old to play disc golf anymore. There's an activity for you. There's a group of men I like

to call the dudes. Oh yeah? They meet for a good to die for Reuben sandwich at their holiday lunch i'll be there next time bill so if you want to meet me go join the dudes you are not too old to have a good time no um the baskets that's for disc golf right yeah this is that this was that same disc golf course i see okay yeah right maybe we'll start our own league the mini dudes why mini the wannabe dudes because i don't think i can just say i'm part of the dudes like i feel like i wasn't invited and i don't want to force my way into something that has is already so special you know okay also like i don't have ten thousand dollars in a a two-seater Jaguar. Okay. I mean, I do, but that's besides the point.

Oh, really? Can I borrow it? It's actually a three-seater. I didn't want to brag. Going golfing tomorrow? Can I borrow it? Yeah, but the GPS is broken. I punched it. That $190 GPS that's in your two-seater Jag? Don't look in the side lawn because i may have i have no idea where this one's going pooped i'm sorry i was waiting for you to get it i didn't day we don't have a sand trap we don't

how surprising what if we did just have have a full driving range in the backyard. I would enjoy that quite a bit. Oh my god. We would hit it directly into the large public elementary school. That's like 10 feet from our house. Sorry, I probably shouldn't triangulate where we are. Oh, they can hear the children laughing in the background of our episodes when we record in the middle of the day. And it's not because we have a mini golf course set up outside unfortunately it should be though it should be though we have listen target audience

right across the street okay we are not inviting children to our house okay i'm sorry they do walk by our house every day they do you can lure them in if you want geo really does not like them um okay halloween was very difficult on his psyche i'm gonna give you a review of west grand mini golf by dave this is a redemption it's four stars dave says i'm the 2012 mini golf masters champion and the 2009 u.s open putt putt champion so i know a challenging yet fun mini golf course when I see one. West Grand is not only the only one in the Metro, it's also the best one. Let's take a minute to let that line sink in.

Wait, what? West Grand is not only the only one in the Metro, it's also the best one. It didn't sink in. I needed two minutes. I needed two minutes. So sorry. Can I just say that those things we said at the beginning, those are legit. Have you ever seen those? Like, watch those videos? it's also the best one it didn't sink in it needed two minutes i needed two minutes so sorry i just

say that those things we said at the beginning those are legit have you ever seen those like watch those videos excuse me he's very impressive i mean i they used to be aired on like espn yes it's the best i love watching those old videos but anyway he's a 2012 mini golf like national champion legitimate tournament yeah like he really is. Okay, sorry. It is not only the only one in the Metro, it's also the best one. Nice staff, fair prices, and plenty of trees.

Offers up hole-in-one fun for the whole family. Hole-in-one. Not a guarantee. Golf emoji, golf emoji, golf emoji, golf emoji. Hole-in-one emoji, hole-in-one emoji, hole- Hole in one emoji, hole in one emoji, hole in one emoji, hole in one emoji. End of review.

Wow. I like that at the end. I do like to really prove his dominance. He gave it four stars. Yes. He couldn't give up all his cards, so to speak, and just fully give it a five. He saves that for the ones that host the Masters and stuff. Correct.

The ones that he's won national championships upon. Exactly. Upon their... Upon where he has proven his mastery of the sport. Yes. I was thinking about that last time I played mini golf. I was thinking about that, like the concept of those tournaments. They're intense.

And then I was like hitting the ball. I'm like, my God, I would be so bad at that. The trophy just... I mean, like putting is one of those... I mean, like I play golf, but I could not imagine playing at that level. I love putt putting. There was a mini golf course here that we went to, remember, that had a bar? Yeah, it was a pop-up. It was a pop-up mini golf course with a bar it was very expensive ali and i went to one near here

like early morning on a saturday early bird special we had like a date morning we went to um uh mini golf place and there were a bunch of kids and families but we showed up and played around it was their bar no oh i thought it was like an arcade no it was like it's like a whole like arcade i did tell blaze after while he was with me at remicade and i was like can we go minigolfing and he's like yes and i said can we go for all thing and he said absolutely not so that's a harder sell well we got we'll go soon okay let's go i want to i fill my, uh, my application to be a part of, uh. The dudes?

No. The masters? Stop it. Uh, holy moly. What's that? The show on ABC. The fuck? It's a mini golf.

What? Competition. Like it's mini golf meets wipeout. You didn't see that? No. Season one? No. Okay.

It's on Hulu. But I'm thrilled about it. It's amazing. A friend of mine was on it. Oh, that's right. Episode two. I need to watch this. But they're accepting video.

Wait, for real? Yeah, so I'm going to do that. Oh, hell yeah. I'm also going to do it. I'm going to steal your thunder. It's more legitimate than you think. I'll bring... What?

I'm very legitimate. I might only bring... No, it's like you have to like putt 10 footers and like film yourself putting 10 footers and have the proper form and everything yeah yeah yeah okay you go you go play golf club i'm not letting you borrow mine i'm gonna bring my my my fireball and you'll see we're deleting all of this you'll see okay so before your challenge i have one more little mini edition that I'd forgotten about. So Dave, you know, our friend, the 2012 mini golf master champion in the 2009 US Open Pop Pot champion.

He, like you, as you know, he knows a good and fun course when he sees one. However, he did go to the Shuler Frisbee golf course and he had a less than favorable opinion. However, he did give four stars. So I'm starting to think dave is i'll hear what he has not really understanding the metric star metric system here um not to be confused with his lucky number it's my lucky number yeah there you go um okay so dave says four stars of the Shuler Frisbee golf course. Take the worst aspects of two boring sports and you have Frisbee golf. I have never seen anyone play here, so you should have the whole place to yourself every time you go. I don't care how nice it is outside.

Frisbee golf is the worst way to enjoy the weather. I would rather sit inside and watch public television. Frisbee golf is fun said no one ever frisbee emoji frisbee emoji frisbee emoji frisbee emoji hole in one emoji hole in one emoji hole in one emoji hole in one emoji end of review wow uh the emoji game is just wow the first one was who hurt him very is a frall for probably someone who plays golf okay yeah who insulted his mini golf no okay speaking to that he probably just sucks at golf but is really good at putting uh-huh and so he just has a thing against like people who pay ten thousand dollars

to play around a golf yeah and they're two-seater jacks um he says frisbee is the worst he says golf is the most boring sport and so is frisbee yeah there's like tide i guess kind of a weird sport to say that's the worst way to be out what the heck i don't know i think he just has a weird like vendetta against must be it must be something like that but um their explanation jordan responded to that review oh and it wasn't who's jordan jordan was not part jordan's a frolfer oh oh i'm so sorry a disc golfer um jordan is not like the owner of this place just referenced the review because there were only three reviews of this so jordan wrote five stars don't mind the other review as it's just disc golf bashing it's called disc golf btw a frisbee is very different end of review to be fair it is very different is it it is

it's a quite a bit smaller and i'm gonna trust you and jordan on that one and there are different ones you use for different distances so is frisbee golf a thing or no? I think it's disc golf. But there is no froth. I think frisbee golf is what people... Like a drinking game. It's like ping pong and table tennis. People say ping pong, but technically it's table tennis. Yeah, but it's still a ping pong ball you use in the same...

In both. Whereas this person's saying a frisbee is different. But ping pong, no, ping pong is a brand. Okay, but. See, that's the point. The point is I'm splitting hairs and I think that's what they're doing. Yeah, you tend to do that. Okay, great.

So that's all I have. So thank you, everybody, who said all these things on the internet. I don't know about you, but I consider myself pretty fab, fit, and fun. Especially fit. I think fit's the one that doesn't fit me, but... It runs in our family. Yeah. So everything from skincare routines to new clothes to decorating my house,

I like to keep my life pretty fab, fit, fun. And this season's Fab, Fit, Fun winner box is one of the best I think we've ever received. I don't know what your reaction to getting your box was, but Allie was so pumped. She texted me right away, opened it up and was like, okay, I'm going to open this later with you too, though. It's like a whole experience. It's so much fun. It's like Christmas morning. I say it every time. FabFitFun seasonal boxes come filled with eight to 10 full-size beauty, fitness, home, and wellness products from some of your favorite brands, all for just $49.99. Boxes are delivered straight to your door, so no more wasted time searching for your new favorite thing. And I will say my new favorite thing just arrived. It is the Unhide

Faux Fur Blanket, which I selected. I've been walking around with that thing on my head. It is so soft. It's my new favorite home accessory, body accessory. I can feel fab, fit, and fun in that blanket, And I do. And you look it. I see it every day. I do look it. Thank you. The box retails for $49.99, but always has a value over $200.

And a lot of times it's even more than that. So use coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com. That's coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com. That's coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com. All right, my challenge was to find reviews, Florida reviews, where alligators were places they weren't supposed to be. Okay. It was fucking impossible. I'm so'm so sorry like it was so difficult i'm sorry i could not find florida no i i did oh okay no i do have some reviews um i hope they appease the masses we'll see they only have to appease me so some of these were kind of like, were they supposed to be there?

I'll be the judge. How about I be the judge of that? Perfect. I like that. No. The answer is no to everything you're about to say. My first review is a four-star review by Mary Ann of Disney's Beach Club Villas. Oh, Disney.

Okay. It's on TripAdvisor. So the title is, loved the pool and convenience but we saw an alligator in the lake here we go we stayed in a one bedroom at beach club villas in may 2012 the room was dated but clean some wear and tear throughout could tell that the couch hadn't been cleaned possibly never because it had plenty of water stains. And a big alligator on it. I wish. I wish.

Probably from many dripping wet kids post-pool. The pool was amazing. Huge pirate ship water slide. Kids were so excited about that. They also had fun making sand castles near the edge of the pool. We knew to get kids meals from the quick service restaurant poolside because it would come with a pail and shovel, which is why we didn't need to bring our own.

Wait, this sounds so fun. This is great. I'm actually so jealous right now. Just picturing the chicken tenders and the sand pail. All in a little pail or maybe hopefully on the side. They also had fun during the midday pool party with plenty of water games and great radio Disney music. We also loved how close the walk was to Epcot, since that's our favorite theme park. We had a park hopper, which made it possible to just walk over and eat dinner at the World Showcase after we came back from another theme park.

And the entrance to that side of the park had zero lines! We also walked to Hollywood Studios, which was a hike and we probably wouldn't do it again. Waiting for the boat took a while, most likely because we went during Star Wars weekends. Now you're the whole time you're like, this is such a tease. Oh, they're at the pool. Oh, is there going to be an alligator? Oh, they're like talking about the beach. Is there going to be an alligator? Epcot? Alligators in Epcot? Here we go. One last thing I wanted to mention, which you were probably waiting to hear about.

Oh, so she knew what she was doing. I told you. Oh, come on. Was the alligator. Yes. We saw an alligator in the lake when we were crossing the bridge on our last day. People were stopping to take pictures. It was a pretty good size. On the last day, my husband made us walk to the car instead of picking us up at the edge of the parking lot because the lake

does lead to the parking lot with only trees and bushes acting as a barrier i think back to all the days i waited there alone with three small children though and wonder what i would have done if an alligator decided to meet us there. End of review. Got very like... Oh my god, that got so weird and dark. If an alligator decided to meet you there, first of all, that's... My husband didn't come in his car, but an alligator did. Interesting way to phrase it first.

Secondly, you would have died. I don't know what else there is. You probably, one of your children would have been eaten by an alligator. Most likely. Most likely. That's bananas. So it's just kind of chilling in the park. Yeah.

I guess. I feel like though. It's not very clear where this lake is. I assume it's in the park or in that area of the villas. The insane level of insurance and that kind of thing at disney like the second they hear that there's an alligator loose near a bunch of children i have a feeling somebody there's probably a guy there's got to be a guy uh the gator guy gator guy has to come get the gator out of the lake yeah before it meets that family in the parking lot the gator

guy does gator removal um so yeah and she said the the only barriers were like some trees and stuff i actually did picture that walk it did seem that it sounds it did not belong there it sounds frightening those things are no joke like they're they run have you seen an alligator run yeah they're creepy it's very not okay it's fast they're dinosaurs just like birds which is why they're both not okay yeah agreed okay turn so it's it's only gonna be my turn from here on out but thank you for telling me it's my turn oh my bad uh here's someone from the uk jojo no 99 big bird oh yeah so probably oh it is joanna yes that's the name we called her in the nickelodeon writing program exactly so this is a review of orange lake golf in kissamee uh

florida cool the title is disappointed having been delighted in years gone by this i know okay very it's some just move on british person yeah two stars i have played here every time i have stayed here over a 25 year period but today the course was in very poor condition wait so we're back at golf yes okay sorry this is a golf course i got thrown for a minute okay the worst i've ever seen it no planner available, and I even had to go back from the first tee for a scorecard, as there are none in the cart. No tees in the cart either. Times must be hard. The clubs looked well-worn, but did play well.

There were players on the course that never looked like golfers, and they had no etiquette to call other faster players through. They were alligators. They didn't look like players. They were alligators. They didn't look like players. They were really scaly. So maybe the thought of course marshals would help. We saw an alligator on the course of the 17th

and reported it when we got back to the clubhouse, along with an honest critique. No one cared. End of review. That's pretty good. I like that. We reported the alligator. No one cared. They're like, well, no shit.

How have you not seen one in the past 25 years? There's always an alligator. That's the course ranger. He's trying to tell you to hurry it up. I mean, it's such a thing, though. And you watch, like, there's this. What is? Alligators on golf courses in Florida.

I mean, I don't blame them. And they were, there's's this video of two pros at separate occasions playing golf. And they're walking up to the green and they see alligators. So the one guy sees it, walks up to it, gives it a smack on the tail, and it scurries away and goes back in the water. Oh my god. And the other guy doesn't notice it at first, walks up, it and like freaks the fuck out and like runs away from it and the guy's like oh no i just i gave him a little love tap yeah the other guy's probably

like grew up in florida or something it's still man yeah okay my next one is a four-star review of Lake Point Resort State Park titled, A Gator Got My Granny. Uh, okay. I hope this is a big, hilarious joke. It is four stars, so. Yeah. And I'm going to be totally honest. This one is in Eufaula, Alabama. I would say cheating, but last time that didn't end so well for the reviewer. Yeah. So don't. Just kind of be quiet. Don't put that evil on LC95. So a gator got my granny.

Four stars. That's what would have happened if my granny had gone swimming. Boo! Clickbait! The first, yeah, literally, I was like, ooh, I'm clicking on that one. Clickbait. The first thing we saw upon entering the marina area was an alligator. Click gator.

Okay, sorry. Not a cute, cuddly little furry thing. A big 12 to 15 foot behemoth swimming around in the boat area looking for a free meal. Oh my god. The first sign they should have is, caution, alligators. Not everyone is aware that there are gators in the lake. I saw signs for no fishing or swimming in marina area. Why don't they just come out and say it?

Alligators! Because you said it for them. You said it just fine. If I had walked down to the end of one of the grass piers to get a better view of the lake, my exit could have easily been cut off by a gator. All in all, it is a very good attraction. The park is beautiful. Nice view of the lake, towering pines, plenty of parking, birds and ducks and flowers too.

But gators? End of review. Gee, I love when people are like, you told me not to swim in here. You didn't tell me why. Exactly. So I could have died. I could have. It's so stupid.

Can't you just follow the sign? There's a reason they put the sign there. I could imagine someone swimming and is like, gets bit by a gator, lives and whatever, and then like, soothes. Like like you told me i can't go swimming but you didn't say why so they'd probably win too that's the bullshit i'm telling you yeah there's a reason people put those signs up and it's to save your dumb life so don't don't preach it preach preach preach alligators alligators another united kingdom wow i'm telling you darlie dale it's a thing darlie dale that's the location oh i know it sounded like a person i was like i loved

he's probably a member of the dudes this review is by andrea review of gatorland is that in florida yes oh Oh, okay. Three stars. Kids enjoyed looking at the gators, and the best part was walking through the swamp area. We saw wild snakes and birds. The Jumperoo show was slightly disappointing, very slapstick comedy, and waving food over the gators to make them stretch up for it. My personal main concern is the sale of real dried gator heads and feet in the gift shop. Oh. No. No, you're right. That's exactly where they shouldn't be.

So that's when you were talking about that gas station. I was thinking I did find a review like that. You know what the worst part is? So many of them are little baby ones. You're like, what are you doing fucking decapitating baby gators that's when they're still cute too i mean you know they're still equal i mean i i would like to think that they would only do that if like to a natural like a but you know they don't because everyone buys them yes i don't know i didn't know this was a thing. Really? When I was in Florida, every gas station, every souvenir shop, every, like, even when you're just kind of wandering down the road and you see, like, oh, some T-shirts are sold. They always have those gators.

Yeah. And shark teeth. Yeah. And the gators. It's just, in New Orleans, they had them everywhere. Yeah. It's kind of a little bit disturbing i mean i don't know i'm not going to claim to know the backstory of how those are produced or created or murdered or whatever um but yeah so i get i would agree yeah i don't love it um also it's kind of sad to see world yeah there were so i i that was the probably the tamest review i found yeah and that's why i mean

that was my last review but that's why i didn't do any more like it because there were some that were just so bad about like how drugged up the alligators were to the point where you could pet them they like you shouldn't be and they're like you shouldn't be able to walk up to an alligator and touch it and it doesn't move it doesn't like they're sedating them yeah what the fuck so that you can go touch it don't who humans are the worst dude i know i mean i know that's the whole premise of our show but like um uh what was i gonna say oh the new do you listen to over my dead body the podcast no the first season was great and the second season's like supposed to be really good but it's about this guy that I almost covered at one of my live shows in Florida, who's this crazy dude. Wildman?

Oh my god, it's him! No, uh, hold on. Oh, here we go. It's about this guy named Joe Exotic. Have you heard about him? I don't think so, no. He was embroiled in all this crime stuff. He's like this, I mean, for lack of a better word, whack whack job and i don't know too much about it because i started researching and i couldn't continue but i asked eva how season two was and she's like you might not want to listen and she's like i'm really struggling um because he had this these gators or this one big gator or something and he would like feed cats to it as a show jesus christ like he would like feed animals as a show

and people would pay to come watch it and i mean i haven't listened so i don't okay but i just remember researching it briefly and being like oh wow this guy sounds crazy and then i was like oh no too much too far yeah so anyway it just reminded me of that but just a warning in case anyone because i've been meaning to check that out now i don't think i can do it yeah even though it's you know a professional crime show i was like ah that's something i would rather not think about too often throughout my day yeah anyway so that says the person who literally researches like child murder and you do have some nasty stuff going on that other podcast but we also have some bad stuff here we've had people email us being like hey i don't like that you talked about this what that whole cat firefighter review oh yeah well i was upset by that no i was too i mean i was i still think about that it's bad it's bad anyway okay so i tried not

to do that this time and only included that review instead of all the other terrible ones because there are some bad ones we're just considering next week's theme and we were like oh what about what do we say groom pet yeah dog boarding dog i was like no no we gotta avoid because pet stores was already difficult enough yes so don't worry but speaking of which um i do have a theme for you let's hear it okay this theme was actually sent in by ann, our $30 patron. Thank you, Annie. Thanks, Annie. You are so sweet. You are helping this show exist. She's probably like, shit, I regret it after this episode. So Annie works at a high-end fitness center in Columbia,

Maryland, but since we just did fitness centers in Cheyenne? Sure. I don't know. We actually chose another one of our suggestions which was dry cleaners so we're doing dry cleaners in Columbia Maryland we're excited for this I've been wanting to do this is gonna be awesome all right what's my challenge your challenge comes from Brian Brian Brian wrote in and gave a few different suggestions. I love when you guys do that. So this might not be the last one that we use, but this is the one that I first was like, yes, I really want this.

Fantastic. Because it's going to be so lame. Lame? You'll see what I mean. A review in which the customer uses excerpts from a popular song in order to drive home their point. What? So here's an example.

Oh, thank God. For example. I was raising my hand like this stylist told me she wouldn't miss me as a client but as the great joni mitchell once said you don't know what you got till it's gone stop it so i figured this i've we have seen things like this before and bruce springsteen stuff like exactly there are so many good quotes ziggy pop ziggy star dust pop dust um um this is gonna be fun yes so i saw this i'm like that is so weirdly specific but at the same time there are probably so many great ones out there it's gonna uh involve some creative searching i yeah but i i figured if you come up with like a good song that you'd be like my god if someone used this these lyrics

it'd be so lame and search for it that's funny this reminds me of um the time when you did book or book spoilers or no oh yeah sorry movie spoilers that was so much fun to do like harry potter and the shining yes um thank you brian that's really good and brian said more than Sorry, movie spoilers. Movie spoilers. That was so much fun to do. Like Harry Potter and The Shining. I had to like, yes. Thank you, Brian. That's really good. And Brian sent more than one. Yes, five. Oh, thank God.

Okay, great. We're good for the next four more weeks after this one. Thank you to everyone. Ingrid, Nurse Kelly, and James. Caitlin Hope was another one. Caitlin was one who sent in 50 states, 50 scenes. Yes, that was super helpful. I love that. Yeah, all of you people. There's another one. Caitlin was one who sent in 50 states, 50 scenes. Yes, that was super helpful.

I love that. Yeah. All of you people. I mean, there are more, but like. And especially Annie, our $30 patient. And this week, we're really thanking Annie because we are so excited to do dry cleaners. I'm really excited for this one. Yeah. Well, and you're giving us money.

So thank you for that, most of all. Yeah, that's true. You're paying for my rent. We're grateful electricity and my therapy and our mini golf course jaguar oh yes my three-seater thanks for paying for her jaguar annie your money's going to a good cause oh yeah um anyway thank you everybody and we'll be back next week, and we shall talk to you soon. Can't wait to see you then. Bye.

Goodbye.