Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover Boss. If you want to hear Christine's beautiful singing, you're maybe the only person ever to feel that way. If you don't want to hear Christine's singing, you might want to skip this one. Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy to join our monthly patron only live stream!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. I just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. We're opening it up with your laughter. I always thought I wanted you to have a chance to say hello. Hello. Hello, everybody.

This is Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, your favorite podcast. We're here for another episode. This is episode... 52. Number 52. Thank you. And things are about to get pretty weird i think okay i i mean mine weren't that weird but we'll see what you have i guess i guess i'm referring more to my challenge oh okay so our theme this week was sent in by a 30 patron annie

thank you annie thank you annie so our theme is dry cleaners in Columbia, Maryland. Yep. And then as for the challenge, this is from Brian. And you gave me a challenge to find a review in which the customer uses excerpts from popular songs to drive home their point. I mean, so far, this is like my favorite challenge. I have no idea where you're going to go with it. But I love the idea. This is my favorite challenge that I've ever done. Really? More so than finding erotica with your husband's name? Surprising.

I'll let him know you said that. Yeah, I think he probably will be relieved. Yeah, so I guess I think I have more dry cleaner. I think you do. So why don't you get started? Okay. My first review is of a place called Columbia Palace Cleaners. This is a one-star review by Trish.

I had good experiences here, too, until Columbia Palace Cleaners lost, stole, or gave away my comforter. Their response to my missing comforter? With comforters, we don't make mistakes needless to say my comforter was never seen again they simply don't care their rating is negative minus 100 wow end of review that's the lowest rating i've ever seen i think it's the highest i actually think it cancels itself double negative highest. I actually think it cancels itself out. Double negative. True. Highest. Negative minus probably is 100% satisfaction. I wonder how good this comforter is for her to say, you know what, they might have stolen it.

That's how good this comforter is. There are people. Well, okay. I learned a lot about how I'm not really a grown up because there are people who dry clean things where I was like, oh, I never thought about that. Instead of scrubbing the stain out for four hours and not getting anywhere or just not even trying to get the stain out like me well oh yeah or wearing stained clothing yeah also um you could take it to a dry cleaner and people will dry clean their um comforters and uh it makes fascinating sense those creatures are fascinating it makes sense. Fascinating. Those creatures are fascinating to me. It makes sense because, like, I've tried cleaning my comforter and it takes six days to dry out.

And so, but people do. They're like, my Vera Wang comforter. Like, people have very expensive comforters. Well, there you go. I don't have that. To be clear, not me. So to me, I'm like, what kind of comforter could possibly be stolen? But it is frustrating if you're like, this is the thing that I sleep under and now it's gone.

Anyway. But yeah, I don't know. It sounds like she woke up. Where's my comforter? Someone stole my comforter. I love that it's like they gave it away or they stole it. Yeah, they gave it away to the next customer. Like, here you go.

A thousand cups. Or they lost it. I mean, I don't know. It could be. I've read so many. There's a lot of missing clothes out there. Quote unquote horror stories of dry cleaners now. Some of them I actually felt pretty don't know. It could be. I've read so many. There's a lot of missing clothes out there. Quote unquote horror stories of dry cleaners now. Some of them I actually felt pretty bad.

Yeah. Some of them were legitimate one star reviews, but many of them were like, eh. I was like, well, you're paying $1.60 and you've said you've gone there five times and have lost all your clothing. What do you expect? Yeah. Maybe stop going there. I did like the ones where they say oh i

used to have such great experiences there but then this one thing happened right one star or negative minus negative minus 100 but they would never write a five-star review beforehand they would just go they would wait until a bad experience and then right exactly it wasn't like a changed five star it was oh one star one star. Drives me crazy. That's the Yelp way. Your turn. My first one is a one star review of Zips dry cleaners. Oh, boy.

Zips were everywhere. Everyone said Zips are terrible who emailed us about this or messaged us. Oh, really? Yeah. I got a lot of Zips, so get ready. Well, you asked for it, people. Here is a one starstar review by odell i wish i could give them no stars horrible customer service and sub quality work the

collar on the shirt never lines up and i think the shirt was ironed with a rock end of review what that was very specific do you think she sat there staring at it and going, well, it wasn't ironed with an iron. What could they have possibly used? I feel like there's a person who's literally never had to do their own laundry in their life. Oh, yeah. They're like, I guess you could use this large object. A rock. Yeah, that's strange.

I haven't heard that one. Yeah, that was what it was. It was very novel. A novel idea. A hot rock? I would hope that they would heat it up first. Yeah gotta put your hands on that though i wonder if they put a handle on it though to protect their hands from burns like a little silicone handle i'm already tm don't steal this idea this is a very good idea i'm actually patenting this throw the rock in the

oven you got an iron there there you go just roll it along i mean your collar won't be straight for sure that's okay though but that's all right you're not ironing for odell you're ironing for yourself that's true my turn go for it okay this is a one-star review by er of zeke cleaners luggage and shoe repair a little bit of everything it's a one-stop shop and the question is what's this review regarding you'll find out very quickly i just called zeke cleaners luggage and shoe repair shop about it i love how they use the full name so just zeke's this is the kind of person that oh no signs the review so like yeah i know that kind of person yeah very well that's what we're getting into i just called zeke cleaners Luggage and Shoe Repair Shop about a prospective luggage repair.

Whoever answered the telephone was so abrasive and disrespectful that I discontinued the call. Even if Zeke, or whoever it was, does excellent work. He literally thinks Zeke was the one on the phone, which is just so, like, beautiful to me. He will not get my business. I recommend that he take some sensitivity training and learn appropriate bedside manner when talking to prospective customers. What?

Bedside? Do we use that for anything other than at a hospital? I've never heard that used outside of a hospital. Like doctors. Like a medical professional. He takes his luggage repair very seriously. Yes. In fact, he usually takes it to a surgeon, takes his luggage repair very seriously. Yes. In fact, he usually takes it to a surgeon, but his surgeon is on vacation.

Okay. I'm really disappointed about the manner in which I was hurried and told in a nasty tone, look, I'm busy, and asked, what do you want? I'd like to know if he would treat the governor in this offensive way. As to his luggage repair service. Signed, EER. Is this the governor saying that? He was like, yeah, well, I didn't even reveal the fact that I'm a governor, so.

This is pretty woman. Pretty mayor. Or pretty governor. Pretty governor. He's going to come in and be like. Shut the business down. Pretty mayor. Pretty mayor. Or pretty governor. Pretty governor. He's going to come in and be like. Shut the business down. Pretty mayor. It's a nice ring to it.

It's like the opposite of undercover boss. The mayor goes around to the local businesses and gives them one star reviews for acting like a normal citizen. And then it was like, I literally don't know who you are. You're the mayor, I guess, of this town, but I've only seen you on a yard sign once in a while. Right. Oh my god, that's so good. Alright, my next one is of Zips Again, one star,

by Chocolate Boy Wonder. Totally destroyed my shirt no offense but these ass clowns cannot be trusted end of review but no no but no offense though they're ass clowns but no offense but like you're not allowed to be offended yeah if you are that's your problem that's only your problem. You got warned. This person, can I just say, has 216 reviews on Google. Oh my God. And 263 photos. Oh. No, I did not go searching through those. Was there?

Okay. There was a photo with this review or no? No. Interesting. It does have one like though. Because I always, actually, I was very surprised at how few reviews showed the clothing that had been destroyed. That's a good point and

some of them did and i was like yeah wow that's like somebody literally said they turned all my white laundry pink and i was like that's pretty bad i looked at it and i went holy shit all those dress shirts are now pink that's bad um and so that is a good point i saw so many i don't i i personally did not see a single picture really of destroyed clothing i saw so many reviews of destroyed i guess i was on yelp though too where people use more photos but i guess the amount of reviews that were just like you can't even believe 45 buttons were smashed and i was like i'd love to see the pictures i would definitely like believe you i know not that i don't believe you but i didn't see a single

picture to it i didn't see a single one oh all feel like it adds to it. I didn't see a single one. Ugh. All right. I feel cheated. I'll show you some later. Oh, thank God. There was one that was a five star and it was just the lady standing outside holding her dry clean suit. She was like, yeah, and standing in front of it, like kind of half smiling. I love that. Somebody took the photo for her. It's like that lady I talked about last week who took photos of the employees, not even with them, just of them.

Like positive reviews. Yeah. All right. So this next one I have is Look Sharp Cleaners, Glenmont. It's a one-star review by Jamie. If I could give this place zero stars, I would. The Korean lady was very unprofessional. When she measured my dress and asked me how much I need the hem to be altered, I told her three inches.

She said, are you sure? I said, yes, I am sure. Then she says, okay, because after alteration is complete, you can't complain. What kind of fucking service tells their customers that unprofessional shit? So I told her ass off. She shouldn't speak like that to customers, especially a new one. So she gives me my ticket for two casual summer dresses to be altered, but no price. I asked her how much it will cost me because I want to pay now. She says she doesn't know.

The seamstress will be here. Alter maybe $80 or $100 for two fucking casual ass summer dresses. What a fucking ripoff. I went to Wheaton Mall and they did both casual summer dresses for only $20 to $40. Which one is it for that? Wait, how do you know? If you went there, what? I'm just now realizing that that's quite, you clearly don't know.

No. Okay. Literally casual summer dresses. If it was an evening gown, I understand, but she was trying to rip me off. I'm so glad I went in there and see how they treat their customers. Never, ever, ever again. End of review. And now we know how you treat other people. This person should not be allowed in public. Well, there's a response from the owner. Oh, this one's good. I think this is a new one okay i'm excited inclusiveness and

kindness should be the hallmarks of our social interactions semicolon this post disappoints oh fuck yeah that makes me happy casual summer dresses it's so stupid i just like because when she says oh she said uh are you sure you wanted three inches and then she told her ass off quote unquote as if that's necessary for that that's a very good question if someone if i tell someone three inches and they're like are you sure i'd be like you know what i'm probably not sure you're the expert here i mean truly three inches is a lot i mean not everybody they might just be like oh yeah take off three inches not knowing like it'll make it I don't know a knee skirt and so she tells this lady off and then I bet the lady was like yeah you got to pay double now I mean I don't blame

her I would probably charge her I probably wouldn't want her as a customer I'd probably charge her up send her to the mall my turn yeah I have a one-star review of columbia palace cleaners sound familiar oh my goodness i've been there yeah this is by baz one star very unprofessional as soon as i walked in the guy asked what do you want that was rude so i said i just need this white shirt freshly cleaned and pressed. I said, can you remove this stain? He said, I don't know. I can try. It was a tiny, simple stain. That's what you service at the cleaners.

Also, I said, can it be done today? He again to say, IDK, we don't work like that. But your signs say one day service. Never again. I do not recommend bad service within less than two minutes. End of review. What? Good question.

Do you think these people talk this way in public? Like, you say IDK. You know what? Like, if this is how this person is in public, I would understand why the person working there is like, what do you want from me? And also, like, we don't do that. Whatever you're saying out of your mouth, that's not a thing that happens. These words,

they don't mean anything to me. No, no. Please, please move along. Yikes. Go to the mall. Right.

With ER or whatever. Um, oh dear. Oh dear. I can't imagine having to deal with people like this all day long. I know. I feel so bad for them. Yikes.

Yikes. Indeed. Okay. Um, I have one from Lakeside Cleaners. One Star by TC. As Lori M. noted, this cleaner has closed without notice. My father just told me about how he went to pick up his suit only to find the place vacant. Like, everything is gone. Everything. He has no idea how to get his suit only to find the place vacant like everything is gone everything he has no idea how to get his suit back if anyone knows how to contact the owners please let me know this is wild

i'm really trying not to laugh but this is just i've truly never heard of anything like this before end of review oh my god that is wild i know what i just love that he's like trying not to laugh at his dad's like lawsuit but i love it's like my like if if dad came home and was like you know i just went to the cleaners and it's all gone i can't get my suit back i'm like dad are you okay like do you need like a hospital visit what's going on yeah like are you sure you drove to the correct location but truly people there were a lot of ones who reviews like i dropped my clothing off on may 16th came back may 17th and it was oh my god i mean it wasn't a front for something then and they just maybe i'm not sure because it was like i'm really quick to uh guess about these things underbelly

let me just tell you about the hairy hairy underbelly here yeah i uh i think i don't know what happened because nobody got an answer money Money laundering. Good one, Sandy. That's pretty good. I'm pretty sure that's where the term comes from. It must be. Wait, no, like actually? I thought so. From shady dry cleaning businesses?

I think it's from... Like a front? I think it's... They would... Yes, so the mafia would purchase quote-unquote laundromats. Oh my goodness. To mix their money up. That's amazing.

To launder their money. Okay. So I'm not as clever as... But I'm educated. I'm educated and really smart because I knew that that was the origin. Thanks. Okay. My next review is of Cleaners Plus by Omri.

One star. I get in with knowing that my friend did their dry cleaning to his Burberry button shirt. Oh, sorry. Burberry, parentheses, $350 button shirt for $2. I came there just with a basic one from Zara, $20. They charged me $5, even when I told them about my friend. So I just left it there. I didn't have enough time to go find other place.

Speaking half English and don't know how to smile. Good luck. End of review. Oh, they're speaking. Yes. Oh, I was like, at least he admits he can't speak English very well. Well, that's what I thought when I was reading it. And then it was like, and they don't know how to smile.

Unless he's still talking about himself as not being able to smile. I thought maybe, but it's pretty self-aware if that's the case. Well, the owner did respond. Oh! Nothing crazy, but the owner did say, I'm sorry to hear that from you. I believe that your fabric of Zara shirts is hand press instead of machine press. That's all. Thanks.

End of response. It's like amazing the number of times when it was just like. So it seems like they misunderstood the difference between the Burberry shirt and the Zara shirt. So they're like, well, this is the service that was needed for this shirt. And that's why it costs this. Yeah. You should just buy more designer clothes. And then for them to be like, oh, yeah, exactly.

Then you save money. You're right. That's the solution, I think. Yeah. So so smart you're almost as smart as me with that statement i can only hope yeah you'll get there someday you'll get there okay um i actually i thought that i had a bunch from zips i read through a bunch from zips but they were all just so like sad and depressing and basically all very valid. We find that when a business has mostly negative reviews, you're not going to find good quality reviews in there. Because it's mostly rational people giving valid one-star reviews.

Although for me and Zips, I found some Zips ones. The best ones are like when it's a really highly respected business and then somebody has like some issue with it and leaves them. I was sitting with Allie one time and I told her that exact same thing. I was like, if there's one that has just one one-star review and a bunch of fives, that's a good one. And it was like a couple episodes ago. And I clicked on it and I was like, oh, great.

One-star review. One one-star review. Clicked it. It was beautiful. Best one I'd found. Really beautiful. Beautiful. You've've heard it i don't remember which one it was but just remember it was beautiful it was good just beautiful it was a work of art okay um so actually the one that i did take a bunch from was cleanly cleaning services which is an app i believe oh interesting and they have it here too, I think.

I looked it up. It doesn't have great reviews and seems really there is a lot going. Much like zips, they have quite a few problems. And you'll hear about it. So Michelle left a one-star review. Absolutely horrible service. Do not use by any means. Absolutely horrible service. Do not use by any means.

They returned a duvet cover to me that I paid to be dry cleaning still wet and smelling like mildew. They also lost a bunch of my items and included other people's underwear in my bag. When I complained, they said, it's not our responsibility. End of review. Isn't that a bonus? Yeah. You get free underwear. Somebody got baby socks in theirs there i wouldn't wear that i was gonna say i'd wear some i probably wouldn't wear someone else's underwear

i don't think you should either it really depends i'm just gonna tell you right now those me undies ones those are pretty soft um i just went to the mall yesterday and felt one promo code drink fuck it's up no uh so you just derailed me big hard time okay um you just derailed me big hard time fuck off you just derailed me hardcore okay my i was gonna say this underwear thing becomes a more prevalent theme throughout there's more oh yeah well there's more in future reviews oh so you go ahead okay i'm i'm pumped don't think that it's over because it's not. Thank God. Don't get your hopes up.

I have a one-star review of none other than Zips Dry Cleaners. Oh my goodness. By Lisa. This is something. This is something. This is my worst one.

This has got to be the worst Zips I've ever gone to. I've been taking my clothes there since they opened in Columbia, Maryland. However, the service has gone way downhill. Whoever owns this location obviously doesn't care about their customers. The shop is always a mess. If you're picking up your clothes any time after 4m., there's usually, maybe, only one or two

persons working the registers, all while the non-English speaking workers stand there in the back, unable to move to even help the long line of customers. They lost two belts that were checked in at the time I dropped my clothes off. The Asian guy, I guess the manager, couldn't find them, and because I insisted, he said, well, do you want to come back here and look? There were bags of clothes just thrown in the back of the shop all over the floor. No wonder you all lose people's clothing items. Lose spelled L-O-O-S-E.

Of course it is. The shop is a mess. After today, I will no longer be bringing my clothes to Zips, especially the Zips in Columbia, Maryland. I'd rather pay the price to have and know that my clothes are actually cleaned and won't be lost at a normal cleaner's. Perhaps if you didn't hire illegal immigrants, then there might be more concern about the work being done. Although it only costs $1.99 to dry clean an item, we as customers should still expect to have them cleaned and not lost properly. Again, whoever owns this location has no regard for customer service and is apparently in

it for the money. End of review. What in the goddamn hell? I don't know. To be like, oh, you hire illegal immigrants, but the manager is this Asian man, I guess. It's like, this is clearly... What are you talking about? None of that was even necessary.

Well, no. It's obviously had this in mind and liked to project whatever their feelings were on that. Oh, yeah. Weird, made up craziness. Oh, my gosh. That one stings a little bit. They just wanted to be a terrible person. And then they go to McDonald's and bitch that all the young people that they hire who are not illegal immigrants are not working very hard and don't know the value of a dollar.

This person is not a decent person. No, not really. In our society. I'm just going to say that. Just based on that, I'm going to go ahead and say that that i'd melt the buttons on her shirt oh get them with a rock with my hot rock with my hot rock okay i have another review of cleanly this is a one-star review by rob first they don't show up when you book them when you schedule a drop-off they send you a notice they are arriving in the next hour,

then they cancel and say it was because of traffic and offer a reschedule. So if you need a tux for a party, forget it! They will hold your tuxedo hostage, and you will be screwed. Well, this one was my fault, but I left my shirt tuck-in magnets on a shirt. Now they're gone, and they can't find them. Oh, and we got someone else's Armani underwear pinned to a hanger cleanly sucks end of review oh my god lots here to unpack there's a lot happening admitted selling was their fault and then still got mad about it still got mad about it um armani underwear where can i try that well this is a very

dc thing i feel like like somebody just like or la like just like left their armani underwear. Where can I try that? Well, this is a very DC thing, I feel like. Like, somebody just, like, or LA, like, just, like, left their Armani underwear to be dry cleaned and then... Can I try that stuff on somewhere? Is there an Armani store that allows you to try on underwear? Yeah. Promo code drink Armani.com. Armani.com. I... You don't even remember the beginning of this.

I don't either. Oh, if you're going to be... Your tuxedo is held hostage. Oh, yeah. That whole dramaticness. At least you have your Armani, your designer underwear. designer underwear yeah seriously just be happy with what they give you you can probably sell that and buy a whole tux with that oh yeah yeah that's what i would do that's what i would do actually i would just wear and flaunt it yeah just wear that just the armani people would

love to see me in that i'm sure they they would not. I have one more. Great. This is Redemption. Oh, good. Of Zips. Oh, finally. By Natalie. Natalie is a local guide and gave Zips five stars. Wow.

Great experience. Happy with price, speed, and service. They even let me use their bathroom. Really had to go. Smiley face. End of review. To be fair, that is really really a blessing. Good to know about this place.

Seriously, if I read that review, I'm like okay, good to know. I'll get my stuff dry cleaned there just in case I have to use the bathroom. It is hard to find a bathroom sometimes when you're out and about. I always have to stop at like a Wendy's or McDonald's and I feel really weird like sneaking in and not buying anything. And they literally don't give a shit. They couldn't care less.

They couldn't care less. But I do still feel weird like going into a restaurant and like not buying anything. Well, the owner did respond. It was a very generic response, but they did say, we are glad you had such a great experience. They've never said that before on Yelp though. They probably implied that it was about that before on Yelp, though. They probably implied that it was about the peeing. Oh, yeah.

They've never... They didn't respond to any zips? No, they responded to everything, but never with, I'm glad you enjoyed your experience. Oh, because they were all negative experiences. They said, I'm so sorry. We're connecting you with the manager. And it's like, I don't think anyone... That's not going to fix most of these people's problems. I have two more.

Okay. I get to sit back. I love this. Both negative. So this one is another review of Cleanly Cleaning Services. One star by Elena. Here was my total bill with my star, star, star comments. I don't quite know what that means.

Yeah. I'm trying to picture this bill with the comments. So it literally listed, I'm not going to read this to you, but it literally listed out all the items. And how much they cost. Sure, $1.25. Sure, like 14 of those. And then there were three sections, hang dry, dry clean, wash and fold. So I'm just going to not read.

I truncated it to just the notes, not the items. Thank you. Hang dry, star, star, star. The notes, not the items. Thank you. Hang dry. Star star star. If I am paying extra to hang dry something, I assume that the service knows how to do this.

I told the pickup person that I did not mind if it took extra time because things take a while to dry. Well, my things came back between wet and damp and were hung from wire hangers. Do you know how stupid I look walking around with a knit shirt that has pointy indents poking up from my shoulders probably pretty probably very you know dry clean these people literally took a cloth napkin out of my wash and fold pile and fucking dry cleaned it have you ever wiped your hands on a cloth napkin and then thought oh darn now i have to send this out to the dry cleaners no it's a napkin idiots wash it i put it in the wash for a reason holy fuck okay wash and fold this person's very passionate yes how about their cloth i like how there's one cloth napkin by the way in the wash and fold they just sort of like i only need one do you think weird that's maybe

this is the person that like makes themselves a lean lean cuisine and eats it with a cloth napkin. Yes. Like a linen napkin at the table. Okay. Wash and fold. Fine. Except I have no idea what actually happened to my clothes. Because my underwear came back shrink-wrapped with a man's underpants that are not mine.

Are you just hoping he's not going to notice that his weren't returned? Because my underwear came back shrink-wrapped with a man's underpants that are not mine. Are you just hoping he's not going to notice that his weren't returned? Why were his underpants washed and dried with mine? What if he has crabs or bed bugs? Seriously? End of review. You know what this is? What?

Part of the hairy underbelly. This was all a cover. Part of the hairy undercarriage. Undercarriage, yes. Spot on. Spot on, sister. There's a lot of underwear being mixed around the Maryland area. You know what's going on?

What? These reviews. So let me talk about this woman in particular. She says, oh, honey, can you go pick up the dry cleaning? And he goes, comes back. He's like, whose underwear is this this isn't mine and she goes oh my god i have no idea whose that is oh my god they must have uh thrown that in there with let me write a review real quick one star honey are you sure those armani underwear aren't yours um oh no yours are all Hanes but I wonder who wears Armani underwear whoops not anyone I know that's for sure not Paul my boss Paul the boss at the Armani superstore the Armani outlets

oh my god yeah so um so they would be working at the Armani but it would be so shocking to find Armani yes it would be it would be because she's not allowed to take home the Armani, but it would be so shocking to find Armani. Yes, it would be. It would be because she's not allowed to take home any Armani clothes. She's made that very clear because he's always asked. He's always said, honey, please, just one day, can you bring me something from the Armani store home? And she says, no, we don't get deals like that. We just don't have that opportunity. No family discount.

This is an outlet store. They don't care about us like that. And then one day he finds some underwear and he's like, you know what? I know this isn't this isn't mine. There's no way she'd bring me home. So it must be she's cheating on me. No, he looked at and went, oh, finally, what a nice surprise. You shrink wrap them and send them to the dry cleaner just for me.

Unfortunately, they have crabs and bed bugs. Yes. That's a problem they got a lot more than they bargained for yes um the baby socks one i'm not totally clear on that's a little that's a little confusing yeah that one i'm not gonna touch yeah that's okay um one star by jennifer this is also uh of cleanly cleaning services this is is my last review. Jennifer says, Looking for my dry cleaning. Please contact me if you have it. Just respond to this post and I'll send you my contact information.

I also might have your dry cleaning. End of review. What? At first I thought it was a message to the business, but now it's just to the other reviewers. It's just to the world. Oh, my God. Looking for my dry cleaning.

Looking for my Armani underwear. Oh, yes. Seeking. That's so funny. It's like Miss Connections. That's really funny. Yeah. It's a little bit sad because also she didn't post like what it was.

Yeah. Like as if anyone knows who Jennifer with no photo, what her dry cleaning looks like and whether they have it. Like what? How? Because she writes her name on all of her underwear. Oh, that's true. All of her tags. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. With a sharpie. Jennifer N. Class Orange B. What? What does that mean? You know, I'm trying to think of elementary schools and how they, like, have their classes. Orange B, I don't know.

Let's say, like, my cubby was orange when I was in... Or, like, scrunchie gym shorts and everything. Yeah. Or Fizz Ed, Fizz Ed, gray Fizz Ed shirt. I still wear mine. It says Christina's. I know you do. Okay.

That's all. Good job. Thank you. We got through that. That was a... That was a fun one that was a good one i actually really enjoyed that i got kind of bummed because i was like man people are losing a lot of nice clothes yeah that sucks yeah and i was and then i was like well i have a bunch of clothes that i probably should take to a dry cleaner because there's like

this white shirt i have that was like kind of expensive and i don't own many expensive things but it has like a stain on it and i don't know what it is and I was like oh I could probably bring this in but then I was like but I don't want to lose it yeah it makes you not want to go to the drag queen I don't know what to do but then I was like oh they have so many apps around here which is so nice yeah but I I don't know I'm sounds like the app you just get more clothes yeah that's true if I don't lose any I'm. Since I get so many from MeUndies, I'm not looking for more right now. Just kidding. I'm rolling my eyes.

Okay. I wish I did. Okay. Is it time for my challenge? It's time for your challenge. Okay, Brian. I hope I make you proud. So the challenge that I gave to you, it was Brian's suggestion,

was to find a review that mentioned a popular song. Well. Like the lyrics from a popular song. Actually, to be clear, it was a review in which the customer uses excerpts from a popular song to drive home their point. Okay, okay, okay. Brian is more eloquent than I. Yes. And than I.

As well, also. Very true. That's why we And than I as well, also. Very true. That's why we have the podcast. Oh, yes. That's why people listen to us talk. We're relatable

in that way. True. Oh, my God. We so are. Okay, so this is a three-star review. Okay, so I went all over the place

with my lyrics. Good, good. And this, you're gonna, I'm gonna say right now, you are going to regret giving me this challenge. Uh-oh. It's going to end poorly. I'm already sweating.

Okay. I'm very anxious. Okay. Good. More entertainment for the masses. I don't know. They might hate it too. Okay.

Well, turn this off. Three-star review of Lime Restaurant in San Francisco by Lisa. Oh, Lime. It's not the same. They had those in Cincinnati. Not the same. This is a brunch restaurant. It closed very quickly.

That one also closed. This one's closed. Oh, sorry. This one's closed too. Oh my God. But it's not the same. Okay, whatever you say. Hi, it's Alex.

I just wanted to let all of you know that when editing this, I am choosing to take out all music when Christina's singing because I think that she would love it if you all heard her voice naturally instead of with music bringing it down. Enjoy. Lisa says, it's Britney, bitch. That's right. This is what brunch felt like all morning. I really wished I had read the reviews a little closer. This is what brunch felt like all morning.

I really wished I had read the reviews a little closer, otherwise I would have 1. dressed up a little more and 2. probably avoided this place today since I was in the mood for just a sit-down normal breakfast. Girl with yellow shirt decided to be an attention whore. I was thoroughly entertained the entire time, but again, a little over the top if you ask me for a Sunday morning. The food pretty good, nothing fabulous, mimosas yes, endless yes, the waitstaff,aff oh wait you don't come here to be waited on do you if you are in the mood to kickstart your partying for the day come here early and often if not do not come here for a normal meal you will get anything but end of review what does britney have to do with this is it saying like it's like a party spot like a party brunch i really think that's what they're saying it A boozy brunch? It's like a gay bar, but they do brunches.

Got it. And so it's meant as very poppy. They play music really loudly throughout your brunch. And there's people who are attention whores? I don't know. I mean, I don't know based on her review. Is that your opinion? Is that your opinion of this place?

Is that what you're saying? Only the one in the yellow shirt. Just the yellow shirt. Okay, so that's It's Britney Bitch. That was the most, like, the shortest lyric of all the ones. Oh, my God. Okay. That I've found.

Can't wait to hear you sing. But weirdly, that was the first one that I, like, thought to look up. That is really weird that you Googled It's Britney Bitch. I did, and I found it. A lot of them were obviously of, like, Britney Spears' show in las vegas and so i had to really do some digging okay oh my god i don't want to do this this is a two-star review of p by p night of wendover nugget hotel and casino in nevada okay i'm all over the place wait the p what p night peak night peak peak night like p night with a k peak night of this is a review of wendover nugget hotel and casino when okay p

p night is the reviewer yes and it's a wendover nugget hotel and casino correct what the fuck in somewhere in nevada in wendover nevada i think wendover nugget in nugget nevada i'm just kidding okay yeah you're gonna hate this more continue two-star view can i guess so based on this location sure yeah you can guess actually that's kind of fun yeah that's kind of fun yes um i'm guessing it's like something like willie nelson like uh that's what i'm like that's my willie nelson willie nelson is my guess not quite okay no wi-fi or land staff cussing in front of guests tv channels full of static remote control is erratic pillow full of hair wait pillow full hair. Wrung missing from a chair.

Shower door won't close. Had to be with awkward pose. And babe blows it away. What else do I have to say? We didn't start the fire. Oh my god. It was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire.

But we should probably light it because they're gonna bite it. Inspiring new musical generations for years to come or however long this place stays open end of review sorry i really struggle with that i practice did they literally say to the tune of we didn't start the fire by billy joel they didn't say to the tune of but they just they wrote it out like lyrics okay so you and then it says we didn't start the fire okay when you read that part you should know what it is no wi-fi or i like i was like this doesn't like match up it's not well done in front of guests i'm gonna be honest that wasn't your fault the best part is shower door won't close had to pee with awkward pose that's my favorite that was pretty funny though or tv channel full of static remote control is erratic see those are good it just started off so poorly it's hard to like i know go from that no wi-fi or land that doesn't anyway so that one stressed me out a lot but okay there

it is wow there's that um that was something now this is i can tell you really just want to go to the next one i do i don't ever want to talk about that again i was gonna ask if i could redo it since it was so tone deaf, but then I was like, I don't want to do it again. Oh my god. That was so funny. This is terrible. This one's better because it's less like... I say it's better before I do it.

I'm already jinxing myself. This is Cliff's four star review and I don't know. I'm always bad at saying the name of this place. Obon Pen. Obon Pen. Well done. Is that how you say it? Fuck if I know. It's saying the name of this place. Obon Pen. Obon Pen. Well done. Is that how you say it? Fuck if I know. It's that place that has.

Yeah. Obon Pen. Yeah. Obon Pen in D.C. And incidentally, this is the one next to National Geographic. During my internship. I think I've been there. Yeah.

I'm. Yes. It's. I forget what street it's on. But. Don't look at me. Renee and I used to meet there for lunch during my internship. Funny. Aw. Anyway. So that was an accident. But it just look at me. Renee and I used to meet there for lunch during my internship. Funny.

Oh, anyway. So that was an accident, but it just happened to be. Cliff gave ABP four stars. Early in the morning, barely rising to the street. Light me up that oven and get a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel to help me get on my feet. ABP is across the way from my work. Sometimes I need a breakfast bagel sandwich to get the day started. The staff here are friendly.

They make your sandwich quick and you can be in and out to start your day without much of a problem. Basically, this place serves as a reliable alternative for the individual on the go. You might see me here, but only for a brief moment, possibly so quick that if you blink, you might miss me. End of review. I hope I do. No, that was kind of nice. At least it was a positive one. Oh my god, that was well done. You did that very well, especially that really quick part. I did everything bad I can on my feet. I was like, really? Really? Really? Did not make it easy on you. You gotta get the syllables right, man. Too many of them or too few. That's not how it works.

Yeah. If I wrote a review like that, I would be very hyper aware of how it sounds. I'd be singing to myself and be like, oh, no, no, no. But that's why I would never fucking do that. Well, sure, you wouldn't. Just gonna throw that out there. So there's that. I like that one because I was like, that up on like i was looking through spotify like classics rock songs and i

look like 90s songs and i looked at pop songs basically any song that's ever been written someone used it for a review yeah so i kind of had a pit like to pick what songs i wanted cool i love that it was really fun um okay so then this next one is, I ran into Fox multiple times. Really? Yes. Holy shit. I know. You never escape.

He's there. He, for whatever goddamn reason, left a review of Toto Industries in Atlanta who make bathroom fixtures. Yeah, like the urinals. Like Toto, yeah. Yes. And do you want to guess the song everyone knows it i'm i'm blanking right now hold on they're yelling at you

wait um somewhere over the rainbow oh that's interesting i'm not trying to i can't get it i'll read it to you okay four star review okay something about pooping or peeing or toilets I'll read it to you, okay? Four star review. Okay, something about pooping or peeing or toilets. If you miss the rains down in Africa. Oh, my lord. Okay, I don't think I ever would have.

Oh, I'm such an idiot. Yeah, kind of. Toto, okay. I did like your Wizard of Oz stretch, though. It says something about me that despite all the memes, when I think Toto, my first thought was the dog. Right. I don't know why. I think it should be.

Alexander? What? Never change. Thank you. Okay, four star view. Yes, okay, I just read. Oh no, I haven't finished it. If you miss the rains down in Africa, then check out the rains down in the public restrooms that are stocked with Toto equipment.

I've never had any problems with them and they seem to be kept clean as a whistle. Very professional. Hurry, boy, she's waiting there for you. I'm not sure who she is exactly, but she seems to appreciate the various bathroom equipment machines this company makes. End of review. Wow. That's very odd that they would write a review for the main company. For the manufacturer.

Saying that, oh, they're well taken care of as if... They're kept clean. Yeah, that's... They are sending out people to clean their toilets everywhere. Yeah, it's a little odd. Instead of the businesses that are using them. Whatever. It was the only review of that place. That's...

For obvious reasons, I think. Yes. Well, he came up with that idea and was like, that's a review. Got to find it. Oh, yeah. Okay, this is my last one. This was such a fun ride, though. yes i'm enjoying it i feel like i didn't sing that last one i feel kind

of bad hurry boy she's waiting there for you okay in the bathroom at the urinal there it is okay ristorante ristorante ristorante ah ristorante sure Ah, Ristorante. Sure. Italiano. Do they sell gnocchi there? Alexander, no, they don't. Okay. That word has been obliterated. I'm creating my own Mandela effect. Oh. And we're deleting that word from existence.

You're like blacklisting it? Mm-hmm. Ristorante Italiano Valentino's in Wakefield, England, UK. International? Yes. Multiple international. International? Yes. Multiple international. What? One star review by Sue.

No, sorry. That was a five star. I mistyped. You be nice to Sue. I know. I'm so sorry. Sue was very nice to Ristorante Italiano Valentinos. Five star review by Sue.

Went here last night. Had the most amazing food ever. And I've had a few meals here. It just gets better and better. My family have been coming here for years. So it's time. I wrote this review. We've had an 18th,

a 21st, a 60th and many other birthday celebrations. Plus a beautiful family wedding, a silver wedding anniversary, a Pearl anniversary. Sadly, what sadly what sorry you said pearl you're triggered i'm sorry a pearl anniversary sadly two funerals and also spent a lot of christmases here i think she's confusing this with her grandmother's backyard or something they literally like at first i was like oh that's so sweet and then they then you said wedding i'm like wait there's a wedding there and then you're like two funerals wait what the funeral yeah holy crap they love

this place and it took her this long to write a review that poor poor business i do wonder if like the 18 21st and 60th birthday was of the same person i guess they got older it was her own it was her own birthday and wedding and pearl and her own funeral sorry oh and her own funeral she's planning it right now she played dead and then was hiding in the rafters and that's actually quite what there's two funerals the second one was her real one when she jumped down and she just set this on like auto submit once she dies oh that's okay she fell off the rafter and she's like i won't leave a five-star review until i'm dead sure enough over her dead body dangerous okay let's go back to this you're wondering

there's supposed to be a lyric yes you're wondering sadly two funerals and also spent a lot of christmas days here over the years the service this restaurant must be real nice to let these people in all the time for their funeral there was like a casket and then what are we celebrating today sue a funeral okay let's get out the black tablecloths for you also it's christmas so you can't you need to work and feed me like most of these all happen on the same time a birthday a funeral and christmas They came at the same day. Just knock them all out. Okay.

Over the years, the service and food quality has varied. But right now, in November 2014, it is stunning. Food is fresh every day. And I know because I see the deliveries. I think she just lives here. What is going on? She lives in the dumpster out back or something. I'm pretty sure she lives here oh my god this is unreal maybe it was like a funeral for a bird like in the office and she's like no we had the funeral

and they were like no you did that in the alley and we asked you to please leave and this was five years ago who knows what's happened since then oh probably a lot of it might request an update yes we should okay food is fresh every day, and I know, as I can see, the deliveries. And the service is smiley, friendly, and welcoming. Here it comes. Do you have a guess? We are family. Oh, that's good, but no.

Okay, I actually had a good guess. That was good. That was pretty good. I only live two minutes away, but there is a song that comes to mind if I happen to live 500 miles away. But I would walk 500 miles and I... Whoa, that's bad. Was that an echo? The acoustics in this room.

I broke something. I broke the recording equipment. thing in the broke broke the recording equipment but i would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more just to be the girl who walked a thousand miles to walk right through your door i love this place so and a review beautiful i am very glad we did this. Oh, man. This is horrible. Praise Brian. Yikes.

Brian, why would you do this? Unfortunately, all of these songs are... Copyrighted? Yep. So it's literally just going to be you singing over no music. There's probably a karaoke version that's free, right? Which is... Nope.

Which is also copyrighted. You have to pay money to use those. I'll pay. The karaoke companies even pay money to use those i'll pay the karaoke companies even pay money to use those i'll pay with your credit card it doesn't really work that way i'll get i'll i'll contact all these music publishing companies and get licenses for for use for the podcast what if we what if i just bought these songs uh these like karaoke versions and we had a party and we were like oh we have four karaoke songs i mean to be fair they're

pretty common ones like we didn't start the fire toto oh god is we didn't start the fire popular karaoke song that's awful i'm sure it is i would hate for someone to do that around me pillow full of hair rung is missing from a chair shower door won't close had to be with awkward pose that was pretty good um early in the morning that was the easiest because i didn't have to like change my tone you have a really good baritone thank you you're welcome um okay so that's my challenge that's beautiful well done i'm proud of you that was actually really good i'm sweating through my clothing you got some good stuff in there that were a lot and i did there was one that was of a sushi place that used firework by Katy Perry.

Yeah, what happened to that one? She's like, every time I eat the sushi, I think to myself, baby, you're a firework. Baby. I was not going to sing it. Who is a firework in this situation? I don't know. And then she said at the end, literally, it was like four more paragraphs about the different types of sushi.

And then the last paragraph went, the sushi you sing oh oh oh parentheses i'm returning to the katie perry song in case you didn't realize and that was a review and i was like yikes just too much for you yeah you couldn't handle that one more i'm glad we got a taste of it though appreciate that there were some other ones i tried fall out boy i tried i tried i looked for wonderwall but i was like people weren't quoting that i just don't like that song in case you guys are wondering i would have loved to hear that remember when i sent you and bap um yeah new year's eve like what was that like 26 years ago five years ago four years ago whenever it was it was definitely at least five years yeah i think so so i'm sitting it's like just hit midnight and i get a text a group text from christian it says

happy wonderwall and i'm like who the hell did she send this to and i go in like the thing it literally it says bap b-a-p but the b and the a or lowercase and the p was capitalized it's just to be clear yeah i still have that some a screenshot of alexandrian bap and i'm just happy i actually i actually thought it was like someone in her contact or my it would have to be in my i'm like who turns out she literally just typed in bap and sent it to bap which is not a thing i said happy wonderwall and like in my i didn't know that i said that and then you responded at some point you're like maybe the next thing and you were like you said like oh oasis or something i said i think i said happy wonderwall back or something you were like what is wrong I said Happy Wonderwall back or something. And you were like, what is wrong with you?

You wrote Happy Wonderwall question mark or something back. And I went, why the fuck are you talking about Oasis? Yeah. I hate that song. Yeah. And. You're like, read, read like a few centimeters over. Oh my God.

See what you wrote me. Bap. Fucking Bap. And then I was like, no, I was trying to write. Talk to Bap about this. I was trying to write mom. And then everyone was like no i was trying to write i was trying to write mom and then everyone was like that doesn't oh then no it doesn't thank god i didn't write mom though thank god bap was there for me thank god bap was there for now if i'm sending a questionable text i just send it to bap yes it's your way of like getting it out there into the universe without

anyone actually seeing it thank god you have that instead of me. One day Bap will return my text. Let's hope not. Hasn't happened yet. Never. Alrighty. Thank you for listening, everybody. Thank you for listening.

We have a special announcement for next week. Yeah. Guess what? Next week is Thanksgiving week. I know. And as siblings, we will not be celebrating together. Nope. She's going to Ohio and I'm staying in LA.

We're going to have to find an old photograph. Oh oh i have just the one of you holding the pie oh god that one um anyway let's uh let's do a thanksgiving episode that's what we're doing so your theme from me spoiling it is thanksgiving that's a good one so that means that it's similar to what we did with our halloween episode yeah anything goes as long as it has to do with thanksgiving right and there's no guests on this one no guests uh so the challenge is actually going to be a normal challenge yes we're gonna have a challenge um i decided to go with a thanksgiving adjacent theme or challenge which is is Black Friday. I love Black Friday.

I mean, I don't anymore. Deals kind of suck now, but back in the day. You were. I was. I wouldn't buy anything or except maybe like the newest FIFA that was like really cheap. But like. You would just like go to IHOP. Oh, yeah.

Go for the IHOP. You won't. Simon and I would just go to Best Buy with his family. His dad would bring us breakfast sandwiches and coffee, and we'd just stand outside Best Buy, and then we'd go in, and they'd be like, I know what I'm getting, and I'm just like, I'm just going to do, walk around. Well, I have a tragic thing to tell you.

Sorry, tell me. Francisca asked if I could do Black Friday shopping with her, and I said, oh, no, I fly back Friday morning. Sorry, honey. And then I changed my flight to Sunday, and I said oh no I fly back Friday morning sorry honey and then I changed my flight to Sunday and I'd forgotten and she called me and said I'm so glad you're now available to go Black Friday shopping with me I wish I were home for that I might fly home just for that no it's gonna be I don't even understand what I'm doing I've never done it okay I'm sorry let me

excuse to wake up early and drink coffee and hang out with your little lovely sister. I literally do that anyway. I don't need an excuse to wake up... You wake up at 4 a.m. with Francisca and hang out and drink coffee? I don't think so. Well, she'll probably have a vanilla bean frappuccino. You're a monster. Make that double.

So your challenge is to find a review where the reviewer mentions an injury during black friday shopping love it like yeah so it could be you could take that and run with it whichever direction you want i can't say that's happened to me but i'm sure it's happened to people before i'm like 99 sure that it's happened quite often it's kind of like a whole yeah okay i feel like that literally comes up on every thanksgiving like don't go back for it yeah which i'm sure people have been seriously injured right and i'm that's my kind of caveat is not like oh someone was stabbed or it was trampled or what like that's not what i mean i mean someone who wrote a review being like yeah well i sprained my ankle whatever it may be we'll find it i'll

find it and i didn't get the tv i don know. I'll write one for you if you need. Oh, perfect. Okay. Actually, next Friday, I'll probably have one ready for you. So we might delay this episode a week. A couple days. Just to make sure we get that done. We'll post it at 3 a.m. Black Friday.

Yeah. Anyway. Thank you, everyone, for listening. Thanks, guys. This was fun. This was fun. And if you are a patron of any tier, you have a live video chat to look forward to. Oh, that's right.

We're streaming live. So we're going to do that. We'll announce the specific date on our patron-only Facebook page and on the Patreon page. And we'll let you know when we're doing that. But it's going to be soon. And if you have any emails to send, send them to to beach to sandy at gmail.com or check us out on social media at beach to sandy we love hearing from you we do talk soon Bye.