Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza

Episode Date: November 27, 2019

*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia of reviews that Christine brought to the table. Thankfully the couple Mr. and Mrs. Farmer redeem us in the end.  Have an amazing Thanksgiving! Krissy Kiwi & ~*~tHe PiCkLe GuY~*~ Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. gobble gobble you took the one like turkey noise i know you don't know all the others no there's so many same to me re-roll click cock cock oh my god i you know listen i don't want to brag so i'm gonna stop there you

should stop there it's too much for everyone happy thanksgiving the happy thanksgiving i planned my intro just the gobble gobble part i didn't even know we were starting oh well surprise you just kind of made it happen i did anyway here we are for our thanksgiving special i like that we keep just making specials for every holiday it's pretty easy that way it's fun it is fun too it lets us be creative because otherwise i just feel so repressed yeah we're very in a box and just yeah you guys trying to get out lock us away yeah but not today we crowbarred our way out we sure did all right um episode 53 welcome welcome to that i don't know do we have anything to say besides let's go i think so let's go let's do it i'm feeling it i think i should go first because

mine are kind of bananas okay like i'm i'm ready have multi-facets multiple facets they're multi-faceted you know what i think all three of those ways of saying it are okay gobble gobble just done one one star review of whole foods by christian so i started out to be clear i started at where do people buy their groceries, their turkeys? Whole Foods. And cranberry sauce. Whole Foods is one of those places. Christian gave Whole Foods a one-star review.

I went to your Beverly Hills store, sadly. What a group of idiots. The meat department could not find my turkey order and told me they were out of birds, so I had to show them the email confirmation. Duh. Then the silly bozo didn't pack the bird correctly, so it dripped all over the carpet in my brand new car.

So he did get a bird. He did get a bird. And his brand new car that he wanted to brag about on Yelp. It's carpeted, too.... Brand new carpeted car. In Beverly Hills, so you know that's some glamorous carpeted... Like a shag rug, like one of those vans with shag rug in the back. Yes!

Now it's filled with turkey juice. Turkey juices. Then the silly bozo didn't pack the bird correctly, so it tripped all over the carpet in my brand new car. How much can you really save by shorting the customers on some plastic wrap? Then despite asking for creamed corn with my order and being told there was plenty, just get it when you come in, they were all out. The day before Thanksgiving, you are out of creamed corn. You might want to order it now. So when it comes, you can swap it for whatever is in the head of the person that... I forgot about this part. You might want to order it now,

so when it comes, you can swap it for whatever is in the head of that person that let that happen. Cream corn represents a brain upgrade for that shithead. Oh my god. Oh my god, that's my favorite line. There are so many great ones to choose from.

I can hardly wait for the new Ralphs to open up with a whole floor of organics, especially now as I will never, ever set foot in your store again. End of review. Okay, I'm distracted. Is that opening up? That sounds fun. A Beverly Hills Ralphs? Double-storied Ralphs?

I really doubt it. That's insane. I can't picture a two-story Ralphs. There's, I think, a multi-storied Kroger now in Cincinnati. Really? Yeah, downtown. There's a couple two-story grocery stores here. I forget what it was. It was either a Whole Foods. I think it was a Whole Foods.

Oh, I did have a two-story Whole Foods in D.C. Anyway, sorry, can we talk? Yeah, let's talk about this guy. Oh, I did have a two-story Whole Foods in DC. Anyway, sorry, can we talk? Yeah, let's talk about this guy. So, Christian. He's very Christian, by the way, as you can tell. So, he presumably, one of my favorite words, orders the creamed corn or mentions the creamed corn when he orders a turkey. which is probably well before thanksgiving well is a relative term but sure before thanksgiving seemingly and not the day before thanksgiving seemingly so and then he goes in and they probably maybe were like oh yeah we have plenty right now and then when he goes in the day before thanksgiving they're out and then he gets

mad that they're out on that day of all days and then he gets mad that the cream corn is so much better quality than that shit head's brain my god yeah it's great i love it anyway okay your turn it's one way to look at it so when i think thanksgiving i think about what i learned in primary school oh god pilgrims and plymouth rock just the best place because thanksgiving american thanksgiving originates in plymouth massachusetts that's right so it makes sense that i would read reviews of plymouth rock oh hell yeah i used to call it Plymouth. Yes, you did. Of course you did. I didn't know. So Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock. Thank you.

There were a lot. Really? And they were all wild. This reminds me of the Salem ones where there was just historical landmarks and people were so angry at them. And there are so many that I decided that I read one. I was like, oh, I'm using this. And then I read 10 more and realized, oh, so many people are decided that i read one i was like oh i'm using this and then i read 10 more and realized oh so many people are idiots and they were all complaining about plymouth car insurance what and they would put these like expletive laden reviews on onto the plymouth rock thinking that they were reviewing their car insurance company. That is sacred ground.

It's hilarious. That was one thing I avoided because there were like 50 one-star reviews at least. Okay. So here's one that I have from David. One star. More like Plymouth disappointment. I've got more exciting rocks in my backyard. End of review.

What? No! Do you know what it looks like? No. Describe it. Large rock. In your mind, what does it look like? In my mouth, Plymouth Rock.

In your mouth, yeah. In my mind, Plymouth Rock looks like a giant boulder. And it's like three times the size, three times taller than the pilgrims. Okay. Is that very wrong? Very wrong. Oh, no. It is quite a bit smaller than, it is not the same size as a human being.

It is smaller than that. No. Yes. Aw. And it has 1620 carved into it okay and at least based on what i read it's not even the original they put one in there or something and it's in david's backyard it's just i don't even know i know they did actually build what looks like a very nice like plaza around it i don't know what you'd call it. A structure. With, like, columns around it.

It's a whole thing, but it is literally a rock in a hole. Sounds great. Yeah, so David didn't like it. Why don't I just read the next one, too? I think you should. I'm ready. This is another one-star, sorry, this is a two-star review by Small Town Guy. Make a model of the original that people can pose with and touch,

since you've locked the original behind bars. End of review. Oh, for God's sake. Everyone just wants that. Humans just want to touch everything. Yeah. It's true, though. I would want to touch it, too.

Humans want to ruin everything with their grubby little fingers. Yeah. Yeah. God. Do would want to touch it, too. Humans want to ruin everything with their grubby little fingers. Yeah. Yeah. God. Do you want the third one? Yes. I'm going through, like, all of my reviews in one sitting. It's fine. At this point. This is a one-star review by Karen of Plymouth Rock.

Oh, Karen, here we go. Did the people that landed on Plymouth Rock had visas? End of review. Oh, my God! Karen! I don't know what they're going for there. Yeah, what are they going? I'm assuming some sort of political statement,

which I can't say I agree or disagree with because I don't understand it. I have zero understanding of what that means. So, Karen, maybe clear the air someday and let us know how you really feel about Plymouth Rock. Maybe she wants them to go back to Europe. Yeah, because, I mean, Karen, maybe clear the air someday and let us know how you really feel. Maybe she wants them to go back to Europe. Yeah, because, I mean, hey, they probably should have. That's in one of my reviews, by the way, just so you know. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. I will not be surprised. This is a four-star view, which seemingly seems like a redemption, but unfortunately,

it seems to me that after, once I got to the third paragraph i thought why did you write this place four stars this is by katrina and it is i like a good enigma it is katrina is an enigma and she reviewed golden corral on thanksgiving day we decided to eat out on thanksgiving this year instead of staying home to cook when our family arrived here the line was out the door surprisingly we only stood there for about five minutes it moved quick extremely satisfied so at this point i'm like sure okay sounds like golden corral the only thing we didn't like was the cramped seating you could see the other customers rolling their eyes and muttering under their breaths. Sorry.

What the hell were you doing to deserve this? I phrased it. I don't want to say that she deserves it, but something must have been off. I read it wrong. You could see the other customers rolling their eyes and muttering under the breaths as our waitress walked us to our table in the back,

we had to squeeze past several tables. So rude, especially on Thanksgiving. The food was good. Wait, who was rude? I don't know. I guess if people are staring and rolling eyes at you and you're not really doing anything and just being there, that is rude.

I mean, it sounds like she's squeezing through all the tables and that's rude. I don't know. Oh, she's saying that she's forced to be rude herself. Perhaps. Okay. The food was good and overly stocked. I didn't like too visible pushing and glaring from the other customers in line. I almost told some old... Oh no. I almost told some old lady to STFU because she was glaring at me like I was going to scoop up all the guac and sour cream. I only took two scoops, yet she piled at least five scoops of turkey dressing on her plate. Greedy.

Why are you judging people, but everyone's judging you? I don't know. What's going on? It's so good. Some projection going on. Okay, continue. I have no complaints about the quality of the food. It tasted great and the cooks were constantly refilling the buffet. There was a long line for that chocolate fountain.

I mean, really? And of course, a long line for the turkey. I wanted to tell the pushy people that they weren't going to run out and they should calm down. Besides that, I will return but on a slower day when there aren't so many pushy people in line. End of review. I out and they should calm down. Besides that, I will return, but on a slower day when there aren't so many pushy people in line. End of review.

I think maybe you should calm down here. I feel like Katrina just walked in and started shoving everyone out of the way. Yeah. She wanted all the sour cream to herself. Just the fact that she counted how many scoops of gravy that lady scooped. I kind of doubt that lady's counting your guac scoops. One, two, at least five. At least five. At least.

She stopped counting after five because her other hand had a tray of sour cream. Oh, no. Okay. Anyway, do you want to go now? Sure. Okay. Here's a review of mashed sweet potatoes brulee.'s a recipe oh the recipe on

skinnytaste.com i forgot someone on page our patreon live stream uh we asked what they recommended for to search for and somebody said um golden corral golden corral and someone said um recipes recipes which i forgot about. Yes. I did not. I read through the recipe. I'm like, okay, this is well beyond what I could possibly do. Sounds delicious. And this is one of the comments

by Anonymous. Beware of microwaving food! You are zapping the nutrients right out of it. The very things you are trying to use in your body. And a review. Also, the earth is not a round ball.

And I would like to tell you something else. What? Nowhere in the recipe did it mention a microwave. Do you think they just searched for potatoes? Because they're like, that seems like a microwavable food. I don't know. They stayed anonymous, though.

That's what did it. And I wish I could click and see their other comments. Because I bet they're just going on all of these recipes and posting the same comment. That's so frustrating. Yeah. You should quote that and Google search it. Like, just that. Review and see if it comes up on any other sites smart

i'm pretty smart wow the very things you're trying to use in your body all right should i go yeah this is a review now i went to amazon this time let me think i typed in thanksgiving air fryer oh you I typed in Thanksgiving. Air fryer. Oh, you just typed in Thanksgiving. Good. There were a lot of weird shit on there. I looked at a lot of things, including gobble gobble koozies, grateful, loved, blessed shirts.

Yes. In every color. I'm well aware. Okay. So this is what I ended up on american experience the pilgrims a documentary film by award-winning director rick burns the pilgrims chronicles the deep history origins and critical first decade of the first permanent english colony in new england yes please carl gave it one star some of the liberal narrators on this need to study real history.

Thanksgiving did happen, and it was about thanking God for a bountiful harvest. They invited their Native American friends to their feast. You can try and change history all you want, but you can't change the truth. End of review. How would this person know the truth over anyone else over a direct uh a documentary filmmaker wow that's carl for you well those liberals liberal hollywood oh every there were so many history one star reviews about this um that's why video having a liberal agenda because it talks about the genocide of Native Americans.

And people didn't like that. Oh, no. I know. It's really hard. Those snowflakes. I know. They're poor feelings. They're so white and fragile.

Okay. I'm going to get some one-star reviews for that line. Sorry. Okay. Penelope also gave it one star. Oh, sorry. Can I just read the next one? Yeah. I love this.

Do you? I mean, I hate it, but I love it. Romanticized, cockeyed, flumdummery. Okay. New, great word. But what she's describing just there in that sentence is probably what that other guy believes in. Huh? So, like, when I think that, whatever that phrase was...

Romanticized cockeyed flumdummery. I think that whole thing of, oh, look at the pilgrims and the Native Americans holding hands at the big table. We're all eating, what is it? Microwaved sweet potatoes? Sweet potato brulee. That sounds horrible. It looked really good. So anyway, the whole pilgrims sitting around is what?

Romanticized cockeyed flumdumery. Thank you. But unfortunately, Penelope does not agree with you. And she is the one who created that phrase. So I think that she's going to one-up you on this. Romanticized cockeyed flumdumummery every dramatic trick in the filmmaker's book tries to wring emotion from the viewer a sob story with a messy sad old actor whining his lines in a darkened set what did she use this one of the guys literally said of course they picked him as he was dying of aids

i was like what i think the actor was literally oh my god sick with aids and this person went on and was like why did they have to pick him he looked so sad and gaunt who are these sad people that are so invested in this fucking movie oh it's holy shit it's bad many people now and throughout history suffered hard times. If we all had goofy infotainment films made, the world would die of boredom. What about the normal people on the ship? Or all the investors? Lots of my ancestors?

Why are you defending the investors of all people? I don't know. Who are these investors? Not like the women and children, but the investors are the ones you're going to try and win points? I don't understand. Maybe that money from 1620 will trickle down to me. Oh, God, yes, maybe. Because listen to this.

Lots of my ancestors, including the three that sailed on the Mayflower, struggled. I respect them all, and I hope they weren't as crazed as Burns makes them out to be. He almost makes me ashamed of my relatives. End of review. God forbid. God forbid. You ever feel ashamed of what your ancestors have You could look inwardly and be like, you know what, maybe my ancestors weren't perfect. I just can't see how you would do that. Guess what? That Burns fella? Wait, who is it? Ken Burns? No, Rick Burns.

I was like, this is not like a very famous like documentary. His stepbrother. That's like a writer. His less famous stepbrother. Okay. No, he is a filmmaker, Ken Burns, right? I think so. So anyway.

Hi, editinglex here again it turns out us two bumbling idiots managed to stumble upon the fact that rick burns and ken burns are in fact brothers not stepbrothers but real brothers and well-respected documentarians so don't ever tell us we're not an educational podcast where was i yes as if to be so affronted that somebody is challenging burns family your ancestors gives a shit about your ancestors like personally your three ancestors they were probably investors so oh well yeah they invested in in the propaganda that was uh the the weird pilgrim story. LA. Oh my God. I just solved it. No,

you didn't. LA liberal agenda. Oh my God. Oh my God. So dumb. I don't know what I solved, but I think I solved it. It.

I have one more. I'm sorry. Please. So Dave wrote a review. I'm not even going to deign to read it cause it was just so idiotic and it was like these anti white people, whatever. Okay.

So I'm not going to read it. Um, and then somebody said they didn't know what germs were so it's impossible that they would have known how how people got sick i was like okay forget it anyway uh just forget it why are you apologizing for it or like why are you defending people for what stop sorry yeah his review basically said oh god forbid everyone get along i'm like yeah dude that's the point okay forget it so he wrote a review then i clicked on his profile because i was like this guy is wild then i saw that the only other review was of war for a nation an epic look at america's war for independence this was a five-star review oh dave says sleep with one eye open always don't anyone think for one second that the royals

still aren't after us this country is in the midst of a coup to take out our president. And we know that Great Breton is behind it at the highest levels with the help of many traitors. End of review. Like Hillary Clinton, probably. She who shall not be named. Um, what? Uh, yeah. No, I just figured that's... That's an interesting conspiracy.

Just to let you... It's not a conspiracy, it's the truth. As if they're not having their own problems right that is very that's a pretty self-absorbed american thing right there oh yeah i think just people like to look at these like old-timey things and project their own weird shit onto it and be like yeah i'm also doing dealing like Sleep with one eye open because the British are coming. Sleep with one eye open, comma, always. Always.

To watch that and be like, oh my God, that's exactly what's happening. It's just mind-boggling to me. It is. I wonder if anyone read his review of that other thing, of the Thanksgiving one, and then was like, oh my God, this guy gets me. And then followed the link and was like well now i feel weird that i agreed with this lunatic oh like like it seemed reasonable to somebody at first and then they clicked through and they went oh he took it a little too far yes sure yeah yes i hope they all

i hope they all checked dave out got a little taste of their own medicine i kind of doubt it though i'm feeling a little just sad i don't I'm feeling a little caustic for a Thanksgiving episode. I'm sorry. I'm feeling cockeyed from dumbery. Is that what it was? Uh-huh. Really? Sort of.

Okay. I was like, I nailed it. Sure, we'll go with that. All right, my turn? Yes. Well, I finished off diving into the Apple App Store. What? And searching Thanksgiving.

This is fun for me. I'm excited. So here is a review of the Thanksgiving app. The Thanksgiving app has the following features. Thanksgiving facts. Read surprising features. Thanksgiving facts. Read surprising and funny Thanksgiving facts. Thanksgiving trivia. The trivia game includes interesting questions about Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving traditions.

I feel like this is when everyone at the family starts fighting and then somebody's like, Hey, look guys, I downloaded a fun app. Stop fighting. The final one is the Thanksgiving countdown. Countdown the days, minutes, and hours until Thanksgiving day. Who, is this a middle school project? Who did this? Well, I don't know, but someone was not happy about it. Come on, people. One star from I Give Reviews 101. Fantastic, that's all we need. Titled, I Wish I Could Give It Zero Stars.

Good thinking, right? A Thanksgiving app that has all the information you need. The right date, how to cook a turkey, wallpaper. Fantastic, right? Wrong. It does not show the correct date. Are you sure you want to trust how to cook a turkey for a holiday that comes once a year if they can't get a date right? No, you don't. Oh, and talking about wallpaper, you got false advertised. You cannot choose a wallpaper. All in all, do not download.

The like only five star review was probably from a company that made it. I am a real person and I'm telling you, do not trust this app. Do not waste your time downloading it. End of review. Oh my God. Now I thought these people who are mad at the Pilgrim haters were crazy, but like to be mad at like a little harmless app. That has one five star review.

Do you know what probably happened who is this i love reviews 101 i leave reviews 101 or i give reviews 101 yeah so i i ilr um probably planned the thanksgiving dinner on the wrong day because i've told him to and it's pretty peeved and he didn't get his wallpaper it all sounds pretty tragic to me to be quite honest yes he invited everyone over and they were like this is the wrong day and what i assume happened with this app is they made it one year had it on the correct date and everything and then stopped updating it yeah And it didn't update the date. I love that. I want to download it now for the next five years so it's wrong every year.

Yeah, this review was one year ago. So who knows? Maybe they fixed it by then, but I kind of doubt it. I kind of love that. And that's okay. You know what? I think, honest to God, I really think it was probably like some grad school or something, like an app project.

Some sort of project. Absolutely. That's like really what i thought and so i do love that it got someone so upset i wonder if they just leave it up and check every once in a while see if anyone got mad this time like oh this year let's see if someone got really pissed oh yeah look i give i leave i give reviews 101 perfect we should write a couple on there make them uh really regret they ever made this app. Oh, Lord.

Okay. The next thought I had was, what is another iconic Thanksgiving symbol or tradition? And the next thought I had was, I don't know, because I'm not really a very American person. The cornucopia. That's a good guess. I see you're reverting to what you learned in elementary school. Something offensive about Native Americans. That is definitely one that I will touch on later. Oh, no, I already touched on that.

Never mind. Yes, you did. But what I was thinking is Macy's Day Parade. Oh, Snoopy. Shockingly, not shockingly at all, it has plenty of Yelp reviews. So let's read one. That's funny. I'm excited. So apparently last year, the Macy's Day Parade featured scenes from Prom the Musical. Did you hear about this? The heck is that? I don't know it is a musical, but I assume about Prom.

I don't know. It is a musical, but I assume about prom. But it featured... You'd be surprised. I went to the Book of Mormon, really excited to learn about Mormonism and... About the LSD church. What is the name? LSD church. Oh my god. I'm literally, I'm sorry. That was, that's not what I meant to say. The LDS church. And what did I get? Just a mess. Just kidding. I haven't seen it. Just a mess? Oh my god. You haven't even seen it? No, I was trying to make a joke. Just a mess. Just kidding. I haven't seen it. Just a mess? Oh, my God. You haven't even seen it? No, I was trying to make a joke.

Hilarious. About titles. So, the point of this is that the scene from Prom the Musical, or this, like, ad, whatever it was, featured the first same-sex kiss that has ever happened at the Macy's Day Parade on television, anyway. Wow. So, this was not good for many people. Like Dave, probably.

And, uh... I really don't want to hear what Dave has to say. So, I know you're going to tell me either way. I don't think Dave even knows how to do that. How to find Yelp. But, um... Linda does. No, Linda, please no. Linda, listen.

Linda says... One star. Turned it off during the broadway prom my children do not need to see two girls kissing this supposed to be for children entertainment end of review what are they what oh it was just when a man and a woman kiss it's what like for it's for children children only makes no sense to me that Your interviews are really upsetting. This is terrible. I'm sorry. I don't know why. You're ruining Thanksgiving for everyone. I know. As I, as, listen.

I'm just, uh. Like, I'm ruining the Thanksgiving apps. You're actually ruining, like, Thanksgiving. You're like, sweet potatoes, and I'm like, let's talk about smallpox blankets. Um, I'm sorry. Microwaves are evil. Liberal Hollywood is evil. Let's talk about smallpox blankets. I'm sorry. I'm pretty. Microwaves are evil.

Liberal Hollywood is evil. Yeah, I like government conspiracy people. I think my other show kind of bleeds into this one sometimes when I get into the darker corners of the internet. Yes. So this is obviously bad. But then I found an article because I Googled, like, what is prom parade Broadway, whatever the hell it was. And I found this website that was progress.org or think progress, I think. america which is a quote family focused uh you know right-wing conservative group yeah that fights for the rights of the the really um what are they called idiots wait sorry is that not what you wanted no i was gonna say the really discriminated against white americans oh

yes yeah i don't know why i could not think of the word oh yeah because it doesn't make any sense just couldn't put those words no they don't match in the same sentence okay so for america tweeted after this came out right and i wanted to read the tweet because i feel like it's sort of a review the company put out a statement yes that's fine it's sort of a review. The company put out a statement. Yes, that's fine. It's sort of like a comment on a recipe that wasn't technically a review. That's true. One star tweet from For America. Millions of small children just watched two girls kiss and had their innocence broken this morning. NBC and Macy's just blindsided parents who expected this to be a family program so they could push their agenda for little kids. End of review.

What? Okay, no. I'm not asking rhetorical questions to these people because I do not want the answers. I meant to say pushing their agenda on little kids. Okay. To be clear. Oh my god. Still bad.

Yeah. okay to be clear oh my oh my god still bad yeah uh but the reason i read that is because there was a response that got way more likes and retweets okay thank god and it's sort of a redemption or a i don't know response from owner but instead redeem me it's a response from nicholas ferroni so nicholas says as a teacher i can say with certainty that our children's innocence is being broken much more by active shooter drills, hate speech by the president, and seeing other innocent children being taken away from their parents than a kiss. So, yeah, not really. Thank you, Nicholas. I appreciate you.

That apparently drowned out the original tweet. Good. You would hope. And then somebody apparently tweeted, quoting Morgan Freeman, which apparently I did a little fact checking. And there's no record of Morgan Freeman actually saying this, but it's a great quote. So whoever said it or whoever falsely attributed it to Morgan Freeman props, the tweet said, I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You're an asshole.

I just thought that was really good that's true so those are two uh non-traditional response from owners i like those thank you that was okay redeemed us a little bit there you've given us some shit like real shit i've given you a lot of creamed corn your brain garbage hot cre garbage. Hot creamed corn. Hot creamed corn. Oh, it's heinous. Well, let me move on to the Thanksgiving photo frames app. Oh my god, another app? It is literally like you can put your face in these weird frames that have like cornucopias, pumpkins, foliage. Selene and I used to do this on our blackberries. Yeah, it's stuff like that. that have like cornucopias, pumpkins, fall foliage.

Selene and I used to do this on our blackberries. Yeah, it's stuff like that. Yeah, or like photo booth kind of stuff. Fall foliage. So here is a review by Holly. Two stars, titled Sketchy. The app won't let me apply a frame and try it out without writing a review. That's very odd that I'm being forced to do this,

so I'm not sure how to rate an app I've never used, but I really want to try it, so I'm being forced against my will. Send help! End of review. I can just picture the angst into the night staring at their phone. What do I do? This frame looks so appealing.

What a conundrum. My face would look so good next to that cornucopia. Amongst this foliage. It's tragic. Holly, I think you did just great giving it a two star. That's totally fine. Holly, why don't you save it for the Christmas frames? Am I right?

That's pretty good, huh? No. So it did have a lot of five star reviews, though. Because people want to try. Yeah, you have to write one in order to try it. Let's do that for our show. Stop listening right now. You're not allowed to listen anymore until you write us a five star review.

Holly, you're not invited. Holly. No, I like Holly, though. I know. Poor Holly is just really like stuck between a rock and a hard place. Oh, yeah. Between a pumpkin and a cornucopia. She's stuck inside the cornucopia.

Oh, my God. Yes. Very bountiful. What was that? Cornucopia of love. Oh, my God. Potter Puppet Pals. Oh, that really just triggers some weird memories

okay um next here's a llama there's a llama and another i watched that i watched one week ago no way i seriously did last night i started seeing it because um my me undies have llamas on them and so it's like it's a llama there's a llama and blaze is like what are you doing and i was like i was once a treehouse i lived in a cake but i never saw the way the orange laid the rake i was only three years dead but i told a tale and i listened little child to the safety rail have you ever seen a llama kiss a llama on a llama so i'm singing this right yeah you're just gonna sing on every episode that we ever do now naturally i am so i started singing this blaze like what is happening and i was like obviously it's a llama song he like, I don't know what that is.

And I almost divorced him on the spot. But I played it over and over again. And I said, no, you have to. Now he loves it. And the third time he went, oh, now I remember. And I went, really? And he's like, no. Stop playing it.

I tried playing the Badger song. He didn't know that either. What? I'm not kidding. Oh, snake. OK. Mushroom, mushroom. Yes.

And then he literally locked himself in the bathroom and took like an eight hour shower because he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. That's a lot. Eight hours he was missing. And she was like, oh, he must be in the shower. Seven hours later, still in the shower. He climbed out the window. Yeah, seriously.

No, it was literally four minutes, but the song ended, so I was really mad. So then I found the 10-hour loop. Oh, good. Yeah, so he doesn't come home yet. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw the 10-hour loop played, there was this hostage situation, and the police were blasting it outside to get the hostage taker to release the hostages. Seriously?

No. Oh. Your turn. Her face got all serious no i'm just not of course it's not maybe it has an effect blaze literally left me okay anyway oh i have another review of the macy's stay parade here it is it's from alice by the way this one's not as i'm not fucking it better fucking better not be a fucking linda not as racist and hostile as my other ones i'm so sorry to drag everyone down a lot of people are depressed after my flat earth and i felt bad okay alice says one star

let's talk about watching the macy's Day Parade on TV. It sucks. I want to see the balloons and float. Less singing, less dancing, less commercials. I saw plenty of balloons when I was a kid watching it on TV. This year, no cat in the hat. Aw. I know. A lot of people were sad they couldn't see Snoopy.

There was no Snoopy? Actually, someone just said, screw you, Snoopy. So I don't know what that means. Because I did just, that was like the one thing I thought of was Snoopy. Actually, right. Snoopy had to have been there. People are mad because now it's just like commercials for like NBC shows and stuff on TV. Like you don't really see the floats. It's like a lot of talking heads and like advertisements.

Anyway. Well, I mean, that's where we'll be it's like the we're a couple talking heads or they invited us to do it to float around the parade actually i'm going to tan myself leathery and float right down like a large log i'm just a big log you won't even see me coming no one would ever suspect you coming when you look like a giant log running down the street in the middle of a parade everyone would be like yep that makes sense and then two girls kiss and the world explodes oh no it's just a disaster okay so alice keeps going so let's go this year no cat in the hat no turkey only a couple of the classic parade floats matt lowry and al rocker

didn't even make matt lowry and al rocker didn't even make it a big deal that santa claus is coming i mean listen i didn't watch this growing, so I don't know what it means. I know. I don't know what's going on. But it's really upsetting to Alice. But haven't they been doing this for years, too? I don't know.

Probably. Matt Rocker, or what's his name? Al Rocker, quote unquote. Al Rocker, Jesus Christ. Has been around for a long time doing things like this. So I don't think he's- So has Matt Lowry. Lowry.

I don't think they're new on the block. Okay. Matt Lowry and Al Rocker didn't even make it a big deal that Santa Claus was coming. As a kid, the host made it such a big deal. I couldn't wait to see Santa at the end of the parade. Very big disappointment. End of review. Maybe you grew up, Alice.

No, she didn't. I can confirm that. I mean, okay. In some ways, maybe you grew up. Like, maybe back in the day, you grew up, Alice. No, she didn't. I can confirm that. I mean, okay, in some ways, maybe you grew up. Like, maybe back in the day, you were like, oh my god, they're making such a big deal out of this. I love this because I love Santa Claus so much. You just heard Santa and you went, wow, Santa is real.

I can't wait to see him. Times have changed, Alice. Times have changed. All right. Now, go watch some adult. Back then, she was getting her Macy Day Parade in the like freaking fireside chats or something. I wasn't getting those on the TV. On the telegraph.

Just like. Morse code. Santa Claus is coming. Wait for it. Stop. Exclamation point. Stop. Okay.

Yes, stop. Okay. Okay. My next app is. Okay. Yes, stop. Okay, my next app is... No! How many fucking Thanksgiving apps are there? Two more apps and then I'm done with Thanksgiving. Literally, I got into this hole. It's wonderful, though. The internet is out of control.

So here is the Thanksgiving all-in-one parentheses countdown. So this app also has a thanksgiving countdown is it i love reviewers or whatever no it's peppa okay titled why this one star christmas is so much better and everyone likes christmas more so make this a christmas countdown that actually works because christmas is the best and I don't know if I said it already, but Christmas is the best holiday, so yeah, make this a diff app, please. Whoever made this, thanks, really appreciate it. End of review.

Someone found my live journal from 2004. Right. Do I make a good It's Peppa? Wow. Yikes. Almost as if I wrote it. It's almost, it's so cringeworthy. It's very embarrassing because that's definitely the shit that I used to write.

Yes, yes. Not like it means stuff, but like that's the way. Like when I would sign my emails, the pickle guy. What is the matter with you? And I had like it all in like different capitalizations. I do remember this, yes. And then green and like squiggle lines. Oh, yeah.

I signed mine Chrissy Kiwi, so we don't need to start with this. No, we do not. Yeah, no, that's pretty. What pretty what are you doing yes please just stop go outside and whoever made that app i don't i did not download any of these uh for obvious reasons but um i wonder if someone like did it for a high school project or like you said a college project or something and they're like worked hard on it they're kind of happy with it and they get shitty kids who are like well christmas is better so why would you even make this it's like go away i guarantee you there are christmas apps how many i mean if there are all these a bajillion if there are 75 thanksgiving

apps yeah just think about it just think about it just think okay what do you got oh my turn so i then went to uh trip advisor and this is my last one by the way okay i have one more after this oh perfect look at that okay so i went to trip advisor because i thought someone had a terrible thanksgiving somewhere turns out a lot of people did puntacana but especially jim no michigan cancun okay i was excited for something interesting jim592440 wrote a one-star review of peppermill restaurant the title is thanksgiving day nightmare With about 35 exclamation points. And here's the review. Thanksgiving Day Horror!

Diner from Michigan. My mother made reservations for Thanksgiving 2014 one month ago. She verified that we got the buffet room, and the waitstaff informed her that there would be a salad bar and full menu. She called the day before Thanksgiving to verify the reservation and told them that there would be a salad bar and full menu. She called the day before Thanksgiving to verify the reservation and told them that there would be more people showing up this time. The waitstaff verified the reservation and said we would be put into the buffet room. We got there on Thanksgiving, all 15 of us, and we were treated like second-class citizens.

Granted, my aunt may have spouted off to the waitstaff on duty about us not getting the buffet room like we were promised. But what's that saying again? The customer is always right. There's a lot of asterisks around those. There was another family in the buffet room. And what we were thinking, that it was their relatives or friends. Like he's literally saying that it was the, it must have been the relatives of the waitstaff. Yes, because I'm sure they really want their family members to be at work while they're trying to wrangle people like Jim.

Deal with people like you. Yep. Okay. Are we sure this didn't happen at a Golden Corral and they were getting eye rolls when they were yelling and stuff? They were like, this is my buffet room. Okay. The waitresses ganged up on us as far as I am concerned and pretty much kicked us out. My uncle got cold, fake, food service turkey.

I asked for a regular pop. Two minutes later, Kim brought out diet. The green bean casserole was cold. My mom asked for no butter on her toast twice, and each time it came back with butter. She ordered an eight-ounce steak. It had to be about three ounces. She was also served potato peels. Whoa! They really didn't like these people, and I don't blame them.

Of course not! She was also served potato peels instead of american fries with her steak and eggs all for the chirap price of 11.99 my father went to mcdonald's with the fear they would spit in our food or worse my aunt ordered a turkey dinner and did not get her food. My mom waited 45 minutes for coffee as well as me waiting for my pop, which took just as long. They confirmed we had reservations in the buffet room, yet never honored our reservations. God knows what the waitresses put in our food. Could we have handled it differently? Sure.

But the customer is always right. Honor our reservations made a month ahead of time. After it was all said and done, we had a horrible time. The food was horrible, along with the waitresses Kay and the manager that ganged up on us when it was really Peppermill's fault. Why this all started in the first place. Avoid this restaurant like the plague. Although it's been a long time since then, people need to know about this alleged greedy unprofessional restaurant.

End of review. When you are the one alleging it, you don't usually say- Allegedly? Nothing until now has been alleged. Exactly. Well, except they got kicked out, but only kinda? Like it wasn't even like a- We were practically kicked out.

Practically kicked out, but you weren't? So, were you or weren't you? That's a little confusing. Whatever is worse than having your food spit on, they probably deserved it. I don't know what he was thinking there, where he's like, or worse. But you probably deserved it.

This is terrible. It makes me think that has happened before. Yeah, exactly. They know what they deserve and are... Not this again deserve and are trying to get ahead of it by, from the get-go, being mean. My favorite line is, we were treated, first of all, he says, like, my mom made us a reservation. Then she called the day before and said there would be a bunch more people. Then 15 of them show up and he says, we were treated like second-class citizens. Granted, my aunt may have spouted off to the waitstaff.

It's like, what? From the get-go, you were being terrible. A group of 15 people are screaming at the staff who can't go home on Thanksgiving. People are the fucking worst. They don't have any empathy. People are the worst, dude. Jim, get it together. Speaking of people are the worst, I've got a bad one.

A doozy. This is a turkey plucker. A fun Thanksgiving game. Alexander! Oh! Okay. My whole body just revolted. Technically, too.

This is horrible. So it has nine total ratings. 3.9 stars. Not too bad. Here's the description. Pluck a turkey game for Thanksgiving and hear him call out. No! Or slice up the meal with the turkey plucker game just in time for Thanksgiving.

What is wrong with people? Not sure. A lot of the reviews were like, I liked hearing the turkey scream. What? It felt, but then other people were like, it felt a bit weird, but it was mindless fun. Here we go. Here's a one star review by AngryBirdAddict1. This is from seven years ago.

Oh, shit. That's me. I'm sorry. The one-star review is titled, Waste of Time. Oh, sorry. It's a waste of time coming from the AngryBirdAddict. Then we really know that this is a problem. Okay, go ahead.

It is stupid. The only people that like it have half a brain. End of review. Oh, good one. Well, Jordan did not like that. Oh, shit. Here is another reviewer, Jordan, who gave it four stars with the title Gobble and said, Hey, you, person who said people who like have half a brain, you must be a boy because you used half a brain to write that.

End of review. Oh, shit. Got him. Shots fired. Got him. Got him good. Yeah, so moral of the story is maybe don't make uh animal cruelty gay probably a good moral actually game application oh we are such a we're doing the world a favor

by having this podcast teens that is my last app review i'm actually sad i like those those were fun they were fun right They were fun, right? Yeah, they were so fucking weird and so fun. Oh, yeah. I just like, those are like harmless. I mean, they're meat. They're not nice, but they're like, I just like to think that maybe these are just like bored teenagers and they'll get over it someday. Or little kids who.

Or little kids. Yeah. Who got mom's iPad. Exactly. But like the ones of the adults riding on it, it's like, oh no. Upsetting stuff. Oh no. Okay.

So because of that, I dragged everyone through this trauma. I have a redemption for you. Actually, it's for you. Uh oh. For you. It's about me? Great. Let me hear it.

It's a five star review of Cracker Barrel. Yes. By Wayne. Wayne. it's a five-star review of cracker barrel yes by wayne wayne it's a doozy oh lay it on me i'm so freaking ready let me know when you figure out what's going on okay five stars the farmers decided this year to take a break from all the cooking and preparing a big dinner for thanksgiving Day due to the lack of participation and everyone either vacationing or working. The decision where to eat Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving Day was between Cracker Barrel and Golden Corral, so the decision was made and Cracker Barrel was the winner that day. Mr. Farmer and his spouse Teresa visited the Cracker Barrel restaurant located at 845 Schillinger Road in West Mobile. The Cracker Barrel Restaurant was one of many restaurants open on Thanksgiving Day, 11-22-12.

The Farmer family pulled into the Cracker Barrel Restaurant parking lot around 10.50 a.m. This sounds like a Thanksgiving parable. Am I wrong? Oh my god, you're right. Like someone's going to cut their hair, sell it. oh my god you're right like someone's gonna cut their hair sell it oh my god and buy a case of a watch watch case for their husband who will sell his watch so he can buy a comb for his wife or whatever the fucking story is daddy didn't read that to us to make us cry he did um at christmas time anyway sorry uh so is this person just talking, the third person?

I love it. I love it, too. I'm into it. Wayne is a treasure, a national treasure. Okay. The Farmer family pulled into the Cracker Barrel restaurant parking lot around 10.50 a.m. to find most of the parking spots filled, but lucked up as someone was backing up to leave the restaurant. Mr. Farmer quickly turned into the parking spot,

and the Farmer couple got out of the car, locked the doors, and went inside the Cracker Barrel to place their name on the waiting list. The wait wasn't as long as expected, because just in 20 minutes, and the Farmer couple was being seated at a table for four, just in case two relatives of the Farmer's decided to show up.

As soon as Mr. Farmer and his wife Teresa were seated, the couple was greeted by a waitress. That's strange. This is, I don't, I don't recall ever having a review like this. I mean, either. I was very baffled. I'm like totally into it though. As soon as Mr. Farmer and his wife Teresa were seated, the couple was greeted by a waitress to take their order from the menu.

The decision of what both of the couple were going to order was easy, and of course they ordered off the Thanksgiving menu. The Thanksgiving Day in-store meal came complete with turkey in-dressing meal, complete with baked ham, sweet potato casserole, cranberry relish, your choice of vegetable, a beverage, and made from scratch. Oh, beverage has and made from scratch. Oh, beverage has an asterisk. Okay, I don't see any sort of qualifier on that, but. Maybe that's how Mr. Farmer emphasizes. He's like a little wink. A beverage. And made from scratch biscuits or corn muffins, as well as a tasty slice of pumpkin pecan

streusel pie for dessert, and $8.99 adult plate. Damn. Yeah, right? Damn, Cracker Barrel, what? Yeah, we've really screwed up in the past, I think. Do you think Ally's going to be mad when I tell her our plans have changed for Thanksgiving? No, I think she'll be thrilled. Only if you say, Mr. Schieffer's plans have changed.

Ms. Swanstrom and Mr. Schieffer. The couple has changed their plans. Then, when he wrote an adult play, I think 99 Adult Play, he just put a link to the Cracker Barrel website for no understandable reason. Who knows who needs that? We're halfway through, so I feel like this is the point.

I should just shut up. This is the point where he said, if you need a reference point, here's the menu. if you don't want to read the rest just please click this uh-huh but you do want to read the rest well you don't but you have to after ordering the thanksgiving day in-store meal off the cracker barrel restaurant menu the waitress returned with an iced tea for mr farmer and a coke for Coke for Mrs. Farmer. While the Farmer couple waited on their Thanksgiving turkey meal to be served to their table, they enjoyed the conversation, volume, and selection of music being played, and the friendliness of the employees.

This is so nice. I know. Mr. and Mrs. Farmer wait for their Thanksgiving Day food to be served to their table. Took about five minutes to be delivered. Holy shit, what is going on? I know! This is... I told you... And I love Cracker Barrel, so I know what Cracker Barrel is.

Don't tell me what Cracker Barrel is. But what is this heaven that he's describing on Thanksgiving? What? I'm telling you, Alexander. I've done it wrong all these years. I needed a redemption. I needed a big one after what I did. It's working.

The two slices of turkey and generous serving of dressing was prefect. Cranberry relish, pleasant tasting. Medium piece of sliced baked ham, wonderful. Sweet potato casserole, yummy. Biscuits, good and hot. Large piece of pumpkin pie desert was good. The iced tea sweetened

just right. Coke, a cola, had a good taste. after dining in at the cracker barrel restaurant located at 845 oh my god this is the best thing okay after dining in at the cracker barrel restaurant located at 845 schillinger road in west mobile on thanksgiving day the farmer family would give cracker barrel a review rating of five stars for service taste of drinks food quality to include freshness serving size and taste friendliness of the employees volume and selection of music being played size of parking lot, waitress promptness, and management interaction. 845A Schillinger Road, South Mobile, Alabama, 366958910. Download the Cracker Barrel iPhone app or Android app

by clicking on the Cracker Barrel link below. Here is a link to the Cracker Barrel shop. Wait, I didn't know they had an app i gotta get that you gotta find some reviews and a review wow okay shout out to mr and mrs farmer shout out to the staff at cracker barrel at 845 a schillinger road west mobile alabama because holy shit. It sounds fantastic. You guys just had the best night, and I wish I were there. God. So good. And I'm so impressed. I am too.

Well, 10.50 a.m., so it was not a night. It was really a day, a midday adventure. A midday adventure. Oh, my God. I'm so glad to know they locked the doors of the car, though. That could have turned south for them, otherwise. Yeah. I think that's an important detail.

I do really like how many different ways he referred to his wife. Oh, yeah. He used her name. Teresa. Teresa. Spouse. Spouse. Mrs. Farmer.

Yes. The farmer couple. Wife. The farmers. The farmers. Farmer family. Farmer family. Mm-hmm.

Because when he first started i thought okay this like farmer coalition is not it's not doing the work this year they're going out i'm like cool farmers deserve it my first thought was literally i thought it was like an insult like the farmers took off this year oh yeah yeah i was trying to piece it together, and now I'm glad I figured it out, because that was beautiful. We're so jaded and cynical. True. But this really revived my interest in the holiday, so thank you. Thank you, Wayne Farmer. Thank you, Mr. Farmer. Thank you, Mrs. Teresa Farmer. I hope he chopped to his heart's content. Yeah. I wish he had told me whether or not he beat the...

The peg game. Yeah. Me too. Me too. I wish he had told me whether or not he beat the... The peg game. Yeah. Me too. Me too. I should ask. All right. Well, speaking of Miss Swanstrom and Mr. Schieffer the couple, I'm going to use this time to plug our new podcast. Yay! So, Allie and I have started a new podcast called Weekly Update, spelled W-E-A-K-L-Y, Update.

And y'all should listen. Guess what? Even I'm featured in the first episode, so I have to say it's pretty damn good. She is. So if you don't like me, but you like her, she's in it too. So check it out. You might like Allie. You'll like her more than me, that's for sure.

There's nobody on this earth who likes me and doesn't like you. It's truly the opposite. Yeah, we'll see. I don't know. In any case more than me, that's for sure. There's nobody on this earth who likes me and doesn't like you. It's truly the opposite. Yeah, we'll see. I don't know. In any case. That's probably not true. Yes. It'll hopefully bring some positivity to your holidays because Christina just gave you a lot of negativity. But then some positivity.

So you, I think you came out even. I just frosted over it. You came out pretty even. So we're good. But then if you want extra positivity because you have to go see your family or deal with family or do whatever you're doing or not deal with whatever's going on out of cream corn holidays can be really tough for people so if you're not celebrating listen i don't freaking blame you don't even go i was gonna say go to cracker barrel don't do that it's gonna be a shit show

ally and i are doing a doing a Friendsgiving dip night. We're doing dip and games. Like tobacco, right? Yeah. Just bring your own. B-Y-O-D. Bring your own dip. And then we're going to try each other's dip.

No. Just swap them out. Yeah. Gross. No. Yeah, you bring your dip and dippables. Like a vegan dip, guys. No, not even.

Very LA. Not even vegan. I know, but that's what i'm saying like like for vegetables and things because like the people who are invited that actually listen to the show are gonna listen and probably nobody gonna listen and be like oh it's vegan never mind i'm not going or they're gonna be like tobacco no or tobacco oh yeah maybe i should change my rsvp i am vegan but i i don't but i do love some tobacco anyway anyway um i don't know where this is going i'm sorry it started with weekly update so check out weekly update if you don't mind it's

a lot of fun we had fun recording our first episode and we can't wait to share it with you guys i was a photographer for the green screen oh my god at least check out our instagram freaking photos at weekly update w e a k l. Please do it for me, please. Look at that fucking photo. Oh my god, it's hilarious. Okay, we had fun with that. Absurdity is what it is. So yeah, that came out a couple days ago, so go check it out.

All right. Yay! Time for my challenge. Time for my challenge. You gave me the challenge to find a review where someone claims to have been injured on Black Friday. And it's only a challenge because as of Friday, I will be an easy target. Oh, yeah. You will be injured this Friday. I will be injured.

So you go ahead and tell me what you found because I'm very curious. It was so difficult. Was it? It really was. No, I just had a hard time um there were some serious news stories where people were like there were stampede i don't like that that's not what i tried to avoid that kind of stuff yeah um so let me the main stuff i found i found a couple reviews and i also found the forums the yelp forums oh no oh no those are the worst so let me read

from the thread black friday versus cyber monday written by jacqueline and this is what jacqueline posed to the forums the question she posed so i'm deciding when to take off to do some major damage christmas shopping black friday or cyber monday anyone have done the black friday craziness So I'm deciding when to take off to do some major damage Christmas shopping. Black Friday or Cyber Monday? Anyone have done the Black Friday craziness before? Pulls up stool. Eek! Here's what Liz has to say.

Black Friday shopping is like going into war. The last time I went Black Friday shopping was over seven years ago, and I vowed never again. Cyber Monday is nice, since you can do it butt naked in your apartment liz tmi yeah tmi seriously okay although i guess you're a veteran you went to war so i shouldn't really criticize you liz i have two black friday uh best buy jesus 430 stop it Here's what Toy has to say. I suggest only hitting the stores on Black Friday if there's something specific you are out to get. The crowds are a little too feisty for looky-loos. People are working on Little Sleep and are hopped up on coffee. I almost got into it with a senior citizen once after she knocked me over a display table.

Oh, you almost got into it, but instead you were thrown across the table. Exactly. Got it. Love it. Marissa says, I went Black Friday shopping last year in the Woodbury Commons outlets and the surrounding malls. Some lady almost caught my fist in her mouth

at 7 a.m. in Yankee Candle. I started shopping at 10 p.m. the previous night. I was a little tired. I still say Black Friday is the way to go either way 10 p.m started and by 7 a.m was about to punch someone not if marissa's on the loose nobody should be out and about if marissa's punching people's teeth and i swear to god okay so liz remember liz Liz. Well, it gets worse. So George had said Black Friday is better for clothes shopping, Cyber Monday is better for electronics online.

Here is what Liz said. George, I hear you on that. I just feel that lining up at 3 a.m. Friday morning with a bunch of crazy Asians waiting for the stores to open is not really worth the effort, especially when there are other means of getting discounted designer goods all year long. That's me, I guess. I can't even shop at Asian supermarkets on the regular without popping a few Advil and wearing knee and elbow pads. But that's just me, I guess. That's just me. I'm Quirky Liz. No offense. I'm awful.

That's just me. I'm Quirky Liz. No offense. I'm awful. So that is what I discovered in the forums of Yelp. I hate it. Yes, I hate it as well. So you found people who injure other people. Yes, I did. I did find them.

Yeah. And who need Advil, apparently. God, to be around people of other cultures. Yes. Good. Those are the kind of people I like to hear from. I say as if I didn't just read a bunch of people talking about anti-white. You can't say shit after all that crap you put us through. All of us.

I know, you're right. All right. So, then I found two reviews, only two. I spent hours on this challenge. I'm sorry. And I found two reviews that i felt fit okay sort of just not in the exact ways not like the injured where you would expect at like a walmart or a best buy injured in the head you'll see okay so here is a review of Nirvana Nails and Spa in Fairhope, Alabama.

Okay. By Sarah, one star. I came here with my two young girls on Black Friday, excited for some relaxation. Unfortunately, I was actually injured. I had a black eye from eyebrow waxing that lasted eight days. When I showed the technician the then-small bruises while I was still there, she said it would be gone in a day. Furthermore, as for the ironically named Nirvana massage,

both my big toes have ingrown toenails, and the hot rocks were sufficiently hot that I yelped when she put them on me. I just called to explain what happened and offered to send pictures, but no apologies, no refunds. What a huge and painful disappointment. And there are a couple pictures. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, no.

What did they do? Why are they waxing her eyelid? I have no idea. Oh, my God. But she's not wrong. I mean, I think you misunderstood when the hot rocks were placed on her and she yelped. I think she pulled out her phone and literally yelped. Yeah. Not actually.

Yes. Yelped. She did at least one of them. She definitely was on the Yelp website. Oh my god. So someone was injured on Black Friday, but it was at a nail salon and spa getting their eyebrows waxed still shopping for your beauty needs i don't know yeah it counts i'm gonna count it yeah it's terrible i don't like the photos no no there are two photos in there and it's legit this is one of

those one-star reviews where i'm like well shit yeah i don't and of course i had to share it because i only found two total i do right i do wonder what the ingrown toenails have anything to do with a massage oh yeah that's how they like shoved the toenail stop okay i'm gonna stop there i stopped i stopped i stopped myself somehow i really want to keep going okay you're disgusting here is a review of McGinnis Pub in Michigan City, Indiana. Okay, not even going to ask. This is one star by Andrew. Food poisoning.

My condolences to anyone else who got sick after eating here on Black Friday. Three out of four of us became violently ill after a meal here. One of us, the eight-year-old, didn't eat any of the same items the rest of us did. Smart eight-year-old. Smart eight-year-old. So it was clearly some kind of sanitary issue in the kitchen. The shepherd's pie looked like a plate of puke, and I can't tell you how glad I am that I didn't eat any of it end of review i love when people say my condolences to everyone else because they're seeking pity for

themselves yes oh oh yeah you know i mean my condolences to everyone who's affected by this tragedy including myself and my two friends not the a fucking eight-year-old not that fucking eight-year-old that eight-year-old's always getting away with shit i wonder if fucking eight-year-old not that fucking eight-year-old that eight-year-old always getting away with shit i wonder if the eight-year-old ate the shepherd's pie and turned out okay i think the eight-year-old probably ate some like dino nuggets or french fries from a freezer true and like was having the time of his life you know what around those three poisoned people probably maybe the eight-year-old poisoned them probably for taking them out on black friday maybe they all went shopping and the eight-year-old poisoned them probably for taking them out on black friday

maybe they all went shopping and the eight-year-old's like why am i at best buy at four why am i in an irish pub at 8 a.m why are we eating shepherd's pie at eight in the morning after shopping um wow that is injured injured yeah for sure yes yeah so my condolences my condolences my condolences to that first lady i don't know that's that looked painful can i give my condolences to everyone listening who had to endure who are injured who are injured after this episode and then still have to deal with the holidays yeah we definitely put a damper on that didn't we we didn't help we were yeah we were gonna try and uplift your spirits i think maybe we just did the opposite going into this we were pretty we had pretty high spirits we were like oh my god a thanksgiving

episode how fun i literally said i love these themed episodes yeah we can be so creative you guys put us in a box and then we just pummeled your spirits into the ground we dragged you into our awful dank musty musty Thanksgiving box. Ew, cornucopia. Cornucopia. We had a cornucopia full of rotten pumpkins. And Walmartians. And Walmartians.

And we dragged you right in there. What else? Smothered you in misery. God, if I had a nickel for every time we did that, I'd have one nickel because it was today. Oh, man, these poor people. I'm so sorry everybody but thank you for uh getting through this if you are still here with us today yes thank you we appreciate you so very much we do um truly honestly thank you we've been today we reached 1666 reviews the big

one six six six heck yes so i was waiting you everyone. Wait for this day. Who reviewed us on Apple podcasts and to those who haven't yet, maybe give it a try. Except for Holly. So next week's theme comes from a very special patron named Riley. Hi Riley. Hello Riley. Riley. Uh,

we said, hello Riley. Thank you for your support. Would you like to choose a city for one of our themes and then uh alexander said thanks again it means the world and then riley said eau claire wisconsin riley knows what she wants so we're like okay hell yeah so riley this is for you um we are making next week's theme based in eau Claire, Wisconsin, and the theme is Menards. Heck yes.

In Eau Claire. I just looked up the pronunciation, and apparently some people, local residents, pronounce it Awe Claire. Oh. I pronounce it E-Claire. Ha ha. No. Okay. So Eau Claire is what I'm gonna say eau claire i'm gonna say eau claire great because you know those people who pronounce it eau claire are the most vocal of

them so we want them on our side we want them to stop dming us everyone else is like either way in case you didn't know menards is a chain of home improvement stores located in the midwestern united states it's a privately held home improvement stores located in the Midwestern United States. It's a privately held company headquartered in Eau Claire, Wisconsin with 350 stores. There it is. Save more money at Menards. I've never heard that before in my life. It's not how it goes, maybe.

I'm sure it is. They also sell dimensional lumber, so we're going to have a good time. I can't wait. What's your challenge for me me since we're already going up north to wisconsin great state oh so good cheese curds oh really you should go to madison okay or eau claire or milwaukee whatever city you're in i'd rather go to eau claire but whatever um here is a review from sorry here is a challenge suggested by samantha you have to find a review of a canadian in the united states comparing coffee to tim hortons oh so someone at a an eau claire starbucks who's like

oh god it's no th it ain't no th where why can't i roll up the the lips on the coffee thing and win an auger whatever the hell you win when they win uh hockey trading cards hockey trading cards wow did you know that in canada canadian do you know local residents actually call it tom hortons you got me for like half a second. I was like, what? Like, where? Quebec? Eau Claire. Anyway. In Eau Claire.

So, yeah. I will do that for you. I bet there's some, or, yeah. And, you know, play around with that. If it's like, if you do find reviews of Tim Hortons or something, and like within the Tim Hortons reviews, there's something weird like complaining about Starbucks. Awesome. Just, yeah. This is from Samantha? Samantha. So, something weird, like complaining about Starbucks. Awesome.

Just, yeah. This is from Samantha? Samantha. So thank you, Samantha. And thank you, Riley. We're very excited. Okay, I'm pumped. I'm ready to do this.

Yes, me too. On that note, have a great holiday, everybody. This comes out day before Thanksgiving. Hopefully you're at least off work. Yes, hopefully you're not dealing with the stupid people who go Black Friday shopping. If not, just download some fun apps. I was staring at you because you're going least off work yes hopefully you're not dealing with the stupid people who go black friday shopping if not just download some fun apps i was staring at you because you're going

black friday shopping i'm not and i have in the past i'd rather not if you're stuck at work download um turkey plucker thanksgiving app turkey plucker mindless mindless fun hearing turkeys gobble and yelp and that'sbble. Yep. That's the final noise. Yeah. All right, everybody. Have a safe, happy holiday. Goodbye. We'll see you next week.

See ya. Bye. Bye.