Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. We hope this episode doesn't leave your puggle craving human flesh! Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A!  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good morning. Good morning, everyone. I hate this very much. It's early.

And it's cold. It's freezing. And don't you dare say... It is not literally freezing. Don't worry. It is literally freezing. And don't you dare say don't you guys live in Los Angeles. Because I'm not going to answer that question.

Because we're babies, we also ordered coffee to deliver to us. Literally, we ordered Postmates Starbucks. Because we're like, we're going to have a big day today. That's how obnoxious we are. And I went outside, and the way I'm dressed inside is more dramatic than how the driver was dressed. The driver was barely wearing any clothes. Yeah, you know how Postmates drivers are known to dress really dramatically?

Practically nude. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Meanwhile, I'm completely bundled up. In all beige layers, though, I see shades of beige. That's my new band. That's disgusting.

Hello. Welcome to our episode 56. Hello. Welcome to our episode 56. And what we're saying is very relevant because we are reading reviews of ski resorts in Burlington, Vermont. Yeah, and you know, I'm freezing. I'm truly wearing with multiple layers. I have a blanket underneath, a heated blanket, separate. And I was just saying, how would i ever leave los angeles like we grew up in ohio you know we're not we're not from this part of the country but you get used to it real fast so uh yeah we are we're heading to vermont and clearly i don't know how to function in that kind of weather so i i i

don't know how to do this i don't either this is terrible we used to go skiing with our stepmom and or our dad and our stepmom and and we would have those big snow suits. Maybe that's the answer. Yeah, we just got to wear those everywhere. And those big ski boots that really you can't walk very well in. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Anyway. This is our show. We read one-star reviews. Yeah. And then our challenge this week, courtesy of Amanda. What was that? That's right. then our uh yeah our challenge this week courtesy of amanda what was that that's right uh our challenge this week was to find um a review of a pet product that the owner tried themselves

thank you amanda for that nonsense you may lose some faith in humanity after you hear these reviews and then corinne emailed us uh like after this past episode aired but isn't caught up because uh they uh suggested reviews of pet food where the human mentions tasting the food oh my god well there you go corinne gets your wit you get your wish um do you think corinne just listened to the last five minutes of each episode and then asked for those things so that we like thank corinne in the next episode maybe maybe but uh that'll be a nice surprise if you actually catch up. But you might be like, you know what, I'm kind of sick of this after episode like 28. I don't know. Yeah, if you don't, then I think something's wrong with you and I'm worried.

Okay, well, I think you have more than I do. So do you want to start? Yeah, I'm actually going to start with a little bit of a barrage. I don't love the way that your your fingers just wiggled i did a little wiggle wiggle okay so i found uh mad river glen cooperative and mad river glen cooperative uh has a very specific problem um that the other ski resorts in the area did not have what this is in uh weights field vermont here's what Kyle had to say, one star. Why you guys got to discriminate on the snowboarders? Dog, that just ain't cool, chief.

End of review. Oh my god, yes, I did see this one, and people were obsessed with it because they don't let snowboarders go. Yeah, uh-huh. And that's just the beginning. Did he just say dog? Sorry. He said dog, D-A-W-G. Yikes, okay.

And then chief at the end. No, don't say that. Don't say that. Okay, but don't worry. We've got three more. Fantastic. And they get worse. Here's Drew's.

Arguably my favorite one. Here we go. One star. I guess this place still thinks we're in the Dark Ages. First, it doesn't allow snowboarding for no reason. Next thing you know, this place will be putting witches on trial. End of review. Okay.

All right. You know what I call that? What? A slippery slope argument. All right. I'm going to let that one rest for a minute. I'm going to let that filet mignon sit in its own juices for a second. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. Okay. How about another one? Sure. I can't stop you, I guess. Here's one star from Tom. Racist against snowboarders. End of review.

I don't want to touch this one. That's the most heinous thing I've ever heard. Well, okay. Maybe. But there's another one. I can't do this one that's the most heinous thing i've ever heard no well okay maybe but there's another i can't do this this is the last one i told you they get worse that's gonna make me get up at eight in the morning for this crap i can't believe i'm gonna read this four degree weather so bad okay i'm sorry everyone in advance and i'm sorry i'm laughing at it but this is just so absurd okay you're doing the m left, which is like, I'm so uncomfortable. I am so uncomfortable. One star by Mark.

I can't do it. My eyes are already closed. I can't do it. Okay. Just fucking do it, Danny. No snowboarding is like saying no colored. It's disgusting. Mad River sucks.

End of review. What? That's not what's disgusting here mark i read that one where they're like oh this is racist i'm like okay racist against no whatever and then i read this next one i'm like whoa the first guy said chief the third i can't handle this it's too much it's all too much there's a lot going on here and it's all really bad yeah um and also the one person who said there's only one dumbo who said they don't allow snowboarders for no reason i'm like i think most of you realize there is a reason and it's because you're discriminated against yes obviously yeah i can't breathe um so that's how we're starting off this week but uh yeah i think that those were the only one-star reviews for this place were just about the

snowboarding i've never granted there were some that were a little more reasonable saying like oh like you know this is a it sucks that i can't snowboard here uh and it's things for families who have snowboarders but But then they had those. And also you guys are racist. And this is either 1950s or the Middle Ages or the Dark Ages. I can't tell. Maybe both. There's a lot of skiing in both.

Yeah. I don't even want to give the last one my time of day anymore. Okay. Why don't you go on? Horrible. Horrible. I don't know why you did this to me. Okay.

The first resort I discovered was Wyndham Smuggler's Notch. Oh, can't believe Wyndham bought Smuggler's Notch. I know. What is this? The Dark Ages? Yeah. Fucking Wyndham moving in at every angle i couldn't find like i did find one from that place but that was most of the reviews were just like i can't believe they got bought out wait really yeah oh i saw none of that i thought you

were kidding oh no and then another one was like i can't believe veil bought this place. Oh, Vale bought it? Yeah, apparently Vale is also like they have a chain of... They branch out? Yeah, they have their branding on ski resorts in the northeast. One Star by Tom. We were looking forward to a great family vacation.

We were so disappointed in Smuggler's Nodge. They put us in a room infested with ants. They were dropping from holes in the ceiling. What? Was there someone up there dropping them down? Yes. Wow.

No, they're ant, like they're biological ants. Yeah, we're dropping from holes in the ceiling. It was pretty wild. We called the front desk and they moved us to another room. Both rooms were beat up and dated. In the second room, there were tiny worms. What is this place? In the second room, there were tiny worms in the bathrooms and all the drawers.

This is like a literal nightmare. I think he woke up from a fever dream at three in the bathrooms and all the drawers. This is like a literal nightmare. I think he woke up from a fever dream at three in the morning, grabbed Yelp and was like, not again. Every place I've been to in the last three weeks has had ants falling out of the ceiling and worms in the drawers. At that cupcake shop,

this resort. Okay. There were tiny worms in the bathrooms and the drawers there were holes in the walls floorboards were ripped off the walls wait wait this is an actual nightmare this is not a real floor has become part of the wall this is not a real thing we also didn't have any hot water they had to call a plumber to fix it. The last night we were there, one of the smoke detectors went off around midnight. It was flashing for the rest of the night. We didn't get much sleep that night.

We'll never come back here again. We are so disappointed. End of review. Yeah, that didn't happen. I'm not convinced. That was wild. I hope that happens to you so that you someday can apologize to Tom. In that specific order.

I'm like, fuck, it wasn't about a dream. It was a weird premonition he had. Can you imagine? It does sound like something out of the Old Testament. Yes. And worms shall appear in your dresser drawers. Wow. Quoted word.

Is that Leviticus? Oh, my Lord. It is Leviticus 2020. I don't think that's how it works. We went to Catholic school. I meant like, you know, vote Leviticus 2020. Okay. I was like, is that the verse?

I don't know what you're trying to say. That's my running mate. Next edition? Oh, your running mate? For Vice President. Leviticus're trying to say. That's my running mate. Next edition? Oh, your running mate? For Vice President. Leviticus? God damn it. Christine Leviticus.

Yeah. Can you imagine working at the front desk and having somebody be like, there's ants in my room. And you're like, oh, okay, we'll move you. And he's like, well, there's worms in this one. And you're like, maybe we'll move you back to the ants. Well, they're probably like, yeah, which would you rather have? You got two options. Pick your poison. Well, they're probably like, yeah, which would you rather have? You got two options. Pick your poison.

Here, we have raid. Literally pick up your poison and go back to your room. My next one is of J. Peak Resort in J. Vermont. I've heard of this one. This is from Susan. Fabulous

sandwiches. Odd checkout, Susan. Fabulous sandwiches. Odd checkout, girl. Otherwise enjoyable. One star. One star? Yes. No, that's not very nice. Yeah.

Can you imagine as if all the employees care that much, but they go on and they're like, was it me? Which odd checkout? Am I odd? It's like that Between You and Us we did where uh someone a woman i think wrote in and said that they were working that day but we're like what this didn't happen that was a wine store yeah the wine place they do have great sandwiches but they're not they can't override how odd that girl was gosh can you imagine you're so ready to enjoy that salami sandwich and then the checker girl is so odd that she literally just zaps all the stars away from

whoa zaps that's too much for me it's too early for zaps please i take it back yeah okay i have another review of windham smuggler's notch this is a once review by ajp and it's written sort of like a poem with different um no yeah like enter enter um there's only one verse though so i don't really understand food poisoning from the pizza next to sterling lift stay away the pizza was left there probably the night before this place cries for help. End of review. Jesus.

Yeah, it was written in like enter, enter, like little, like a beautiful poem. Beautiful. I mean, wow. Yeah. That should be etched on the bathroom wall at that pizza place. Oh, I already got it tattooed. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I mean, I did think it was Dylan thomas at first so i misquoted it um my bicep obviously wow that's a long poem for a bicep but you've got some big biceps i guess well i just um tell me i actually just used the last line this place cries for help your bicep does needs attention it's oh that's for sure good. I have another from Jpeak Resort. One star from Gao. Terrible training experience. My trainer's name is Jami? Jami?

Different spelling, so it sounds ridiculous. Jami is not anything. J-O-M-M-Y or J-O-M-M-I-E. Oh, I thought it was Johnny or Jami. I think like oh no it was no they know it's jommy they just don't know how to spell it we know which one it is if you're unsure okay sorry so jommy okay which i'm sure is not with an ie and a heart over the eye how could you tell is that how i said it i said it with love i can just feel it yeah feel the sparkles a 60 year old guy who doesn't know how to teach no clear instructions for first-time skiers when you fall he threw tons of stuff at you instead of being encouraged

here comes jommy oh no He's got a bag of bricks. Run. Don't fall. Oh, my fucking God. Pushed first-time skier to do all kinds of dangerous moves. I ran into woods without protection net or trainer's interruption. End of review. There is something special about first-time skiers like ourselves growing up when we would fall. There's something special about first time skiers like ourselves growing up when we would fall and stuff there's nothing special about it remember when we would run into the woods without

a net or whatever yes but that feeling of like you're going and you just know you're like oh my god you look ahead you're like that is where i'm going to end up and you just can't stop and you have that panic i hate that it's like these people who sue for something so dumb that they did where they're like well there's no net that stopped me from running into the woods so i did it must have been the teacher's fault so now jami is getting a letter from my lawyer um there was that time where we were in a little skiing group well first of all my god first of all let's rewind to the time when i was using christina's hand-me-down snowsuit and it was very pink and alexander had little rosy cheeks they split us up into groups and they put me with the girls they're like oh you're over there and i'm like

like i don't want to be with the girls i'm boy. And you had long blonde hair that like went over your eyes. It was bad. Yeah. They really were like, you have to be. Literal bowl cut. Literal bowl cut. Yeah. Much like the one from last year.

And then a little bit later, I don't know if it was the same time or a different time, but it must've been different because we were skiing together in the same big group of kids and you went ahead and I was like, you know what? I know I'm not supposed to like down this like little hill thing like i'm but i'm just gonna go ahead there's no net and i went and i like crashed right into you and they were so pissed yeah you just kind of decided it was your turn instead of it's just one of those moments you're like you know what i know i'm not supposed to do this i know i'm gonna hurt someone or myself you're gonna hurt your sister it's pretty clear

specifically you so that's why i was more like more like willing to do it just the fact that this person sacrificed my body for the greater good yeah um as i always say let me look at my bicep this place needs work oh man um i just can't believe that jami threw stuff at them when they fell because that's what did he have to be honest i think that's a great way of training someone what did he have on his on his person where are we vermont like his keys maybe oh yeah beef jerky or moose jerky or something what do they eat up there syrup i think that's our main food groups yeah and then i snow oh snow yes there's probably a few of that that stuff a lot of a lot of pain, it sounds like. No wonder she ran into the woods. Right. Let's see.

I have one star. Oh, this is, again, of Wyndham Smuggler's Notch. This is a one-star review by Jamie. Jami? Oh, sorry, Jami. Yeah. Oh, my God, you're right. Spelled like Jamie.

Super expensive and greedy, this place became host of the Disc Golf World Championships this year. They want to charge competitors $10 a day to park. How pathetic. How greedy. Wish I could give zero stars. End of review. Wow.

How long is this competition? One day. I'm just kidding. I don't know. I do love that Jami believes that as a competitor, God forbid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I dislike that. Pretty pathetic. Yeah. Have you watched those videos, though, of disc golf championships? No, but sometimes I go back and listen to old episodes to inspire me to like i guess not leave my house or do anything productive yeah and um i listen to the listen to the episodes of the our podcast oh okay i thought you meant like listen to episodes of disc episodes of disc yeah i just hear the commentary i don't watch it and the chains rattle the chains rattle yeah what what's that

from a christmas story charles dickens that's where the inspiration for chain for uh disc golf came from no what yeah at the end of every hole the hole itself is is a thing with chains on it to keep the disc from like, you like hit the chains. And Chuck Dickens came up with that? No, I just. Just kidding. I don't know. Oh my God.

I don't know what's happening, but okay. I get it. So you're saying there are chains and I hear them rattling. Yeah. Have you never played disc golf? I've literally never seen it in my life. It's one of those things that you kind of make fun of from a distance, and then you play it, and you're like, oh my god, this is ten times harder than I thought.

Okay, well, I will say I listened yesterday to the episode, or the day before, Golf Courses in Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah. And we talked a lot about disc golf, so I've decided we're never going to speak of it again, and it's already too late, so. That was fast. I said froth way too many times. How quickly you broke that. Yeah. Yeah going to speak of it again. And it's already too late. So that was fast. I said froth way too many times. How quickly you broke that.

Yeah. Yeah. Now you said it again. I literally within 24 hours broke my rule of not talking about disc golf again. Somehow. Somehow. Like magically. I think I know how.

Magically. I've got one now from Bolton Valley Resort. Okay. This is one star by James. I just paid for a Lyft ticket because the attendant said that there were great conditions and my friends and I would have a great time. I go down the mountain only to find innumerable amounts of ice, grass, and rock patches. This given instances posed serious threat to both my equipment and my safety.

There were 20 trails open and as I went down to try another lift, they closed it without notice. I then I had to hike back up the mountain to my car on the other side because their lift had broken down. Overall, it was a horrible experience. If you are looking to ski over the holiday break, I strongly advise to not go to this mountain. Rather, go north more, to Sunday River, or out west. Overall, they wrote 0-5 stars. 0 to 5 stars.

I assume they meant 0 out of five stars. Oh, I see. Yeah. Sorry if there are any typos on this. I can't really see my phone screen because there is freezing rain pouring down and washing away whatever bits of snow the mountain had. Oh, no. Oh, and also, if you end up going on Sherman's Pass, be careful to the right because I fell onto a grass patch that wasn't marked and almost slammed my head on a rock patch. Jesus. End of review.

Oh my god. Is this person yelping on a broken chairlift? Yeah, they had a day. They're just stuck on it probably, hanging there. Waiting. Dangling. With freezing rain coming down. Yeah.

Oh my. People need to chill. I agree. Get it? Yeah. They do though oh my i just love that like uh excuse my typos i'm literally in the middle of a hail they just wanted to be able to say that to show how to show how much this impacted their their lives that they had to post this despite their conditions i hope all these places make the customers sign waivers because it sounds like these people really don't know how to function.

Yeah. I just, it seems like they need to put up nets everywhere. Yes. Because everybody is kind of stumbling into. Except that time that I was on a ski lift and my ski got caught in one of those orange net things and I fell off. and my ski got caught in one of those orange net things and I fell off. I was telling Em we just recorded an episode and I was like,

I've fallen off a chairlift. And I was like, sorry, what? And I was like, it's not worth talking about. I feel like if you've gone skiing, you've done it. Em was like, I haven't. How? I don't know. And I was like, what?

And then I was like, how? And they were like, I don't know. I just didn't. And I said, I don't And they were like, I don't know. I just didn't. And I said, I don't understand how that works, but okay. Yeah. I feel like most people I've met who have gone skiing have at least at one point in their lives fallen off a chairlift or something. They look at you in the eye and pat your shoulder as they sit in. This happened to me too. This happens to most, everyone.

Everyone gets their ski stuck in their, their pink snowsuit stuck in a net. I was adorable. Okay, your turn. Yeah, except when you fucking flew it directly into my body. That's true. That was pretty bad. This is a one-star review of Golden Eagle Resort. It's a one-star review by Ken.

Never to return. Scum in the hot tub. Ew. End of review. Like a person? Or like pond scum in the hot tub. Ew. End of review. What's, like a person? Or like pond scum? I also can't decide because it almost looks like they wrote never to return, comma, scum in, as if like that is their signature.

Oh. Never to return. I like that one. Peace and love, scum in the hot tub. I thought I was being like clever. Now I'm like, no, that's, that's what it is. I think he's in the hot tub yelping it yep you know as you do oh i hate it when people do that in the hot tub that's disgusting it's kind

of like you know you can yelp any other time of the day this is a sacred moment i think you should yelp in the privacy of your own home if you ask me i mean we didn't ask you but yeah i agree yeah people are yelping in their cars people are yelping in the freezing rain. Sick. Disgusting. Disgusting. What the world has come to these days. Well, I have another one from Bolton Valley. This is a one star by Cody.

They need to be more transparent and flexible with pricing and what is open. $70 for a half day for one third of the lifts to be open and icy conditions End of review. What? Especially with that odd checkout, girl. God. I can't do the math.

The math's very complex. That's why I thought this was... I needed analysis. That's why I brought this i got really distracted so beginning there they paid 70 for a half a day but only one third of the lifts were actually open so they did already pay less money because it was a half day sure so they didn't pay full price for half a sandwich but the half that they paid for... They only got a third of that. Accessible to them.

They got a third of the half. And presumably no sandwich. What is that, one sixth? Listen, don't look at me. I'm going to look away. Okay. So that I don't have to be held responsible for this. You know that gif of like,

who was it, Julia Roberts, with all the math equations going around her head? I'm pretty sure it's Zach Galifianakis from... What if I got them confused? No, the one with the woman. Am I like totally wrong? Probably. I don't know. You know that I don't really understand how... Maybe there's one. I mean, that probably was a... I could see that was from like The Hangover, I think.

So that probably was like parodying something else, but I just know the Zach Galifianakis one. Okay, I might have really just butchered that and made myself look like a total idiot, but. Well, you just compared Julia Roberts to Zach Galifianakis. I guess it's not a GIF, it's just a meme. Oh, it is GIF. This one. Oh, that one? Yeah, where all the math formulas.'s not julia roberts it

is no way this whole time i had no idea it was her uh-huh what is that from i don't know so we can give these people something so they're not like oh what the hell are these people talking about there's an article on bustle called confused math lady is not julia roberts jesus christ but apparently everyone calls it julia roberts it looks nothing like her to me yes it does no it does not okay there's julia roberts yeah and there's the meme no it doesn't look anything like her well it does because everyone else thinks so too it's not just me no well look google confused math lady no the confused math lady is not Julia Roberts, but here's the actual origin of the meme. I just love that it's called confused math lady, which is definitely me. It's a Brazilian actor named Renata Sora.

Oh, my God. It looks just like her. Duh. Oh, my God. It's from a Brazilian telenovela that ran from 2004 to 2005. It takes place in a jail and has absolutely nothing to do with math how does shit like this like reach the the world i don't understand i really like that someone was paid to write that article and like 20 years ago it would have been unfathomable

that somebody were writing news like journalism like that it's like those like old paintings that become like memes and you're like they literally would not be able to fathom what would happen to their painting like the artists they end up in what uh what do you mean that board looking down from heaven like hmm what are these why are they putting such offensive captions to my painting what are these drunk teens doing? Okay, your turn. Oh, my turn? I'm pretty sure it's your turn. I don't know.

You held up your phone for a minute so I looked, I guessed. I guessed incorrectly. Incorrect. Right, I do want to get away from that math formula we were just talking about. We're still at Golden Eagle Resort. This is a one-star review by SW.

Would never stay here again even if you paid me. We booked our stay through Travelocity, which we have done several times before on different vacations. The pictures online and the brochure we found featured at the rest stop near Stowe got us pretty excited about our choice. When we arrived, we had to keep looking at the brochure picture because it looked nothing like the place in front of us. This place looked old and run down we got the room key for our superior king non-smoking room and proceeded to unlock the door suddenly it reads like like a dungeons and dragons like dm you turn the corner and see right well this definitely reads like Dungeons and Dragons.

Suddenly. No. Worms in the drawers. Ants falling. How did you know? I'm sorry. I spoiled it. Suddenly, the smell of cat urine almost knocked us over. Could not even set foot into the room.

Went to the office to get new room. This one was located in a different building near the cafe. When we opened this room, there was... Any guesses? A crocodile. No, that's a bad guess. You know what? Where are we? Vermont? Uh-huh. Hmm. I'm going to guess a badger.

No, wait. They don't have those. Maybe they do. What's the animal I'm thinking of guess a badger. No, wait, they don't have those. Maybe they do. I'm going to, what's the animal I'm thinking of? Moose? Yeah, that's very similar to a badger, right? I mean, a cat, I guess, would be a good guess since they're a cat. You know what, there's a groundhog. When we opened this room, there was a man lying on our bed.

I don't think it's your bed if there's another man lying on it. That's a real good one. They're walking up to the door. My bed is in there. My bed. It's my bed. Can you imagine? walking up to the door my bed is in there my bed it's my bed can you imagine what are you doing in my bed you're literally just laying there and this guy's just this person comes in and screams in my bed oh my god okay now it says there's a man lying in bed

enter now i am getting really upset it happened i'm kind of getting upset too reading this which also our dad talks like that like he talks in like the present where it's yeah passive like oh god he does doesn't he go back to office and they give us room number three this is just like the worst game show ever a real upgrade it's a a, quote, romantic room. I think romantic, perhaps. Romantic room with fireplace and jacuzzi overlooking the gazebo and fishing pond. Oh my god, what is this wonderful place?

Sounds decent, so we proceed to room number three. This room was in the downstairs of what looked to be a very run-down old duplex house. Very musty, very dirty, would never set foot in the jacuzzi. There was a large dehumidifier with old water in it and the pond looked like wetland area runoff. Now in tears. Oh my god. Who's in tears? They are?

I am, actually. Oh, yeah, I see them. No, they are. The man actually in the bed is in tears because he's like, somebody just barged in on me while I was watching Friends. Okay. Now in tears, I go into office saying I want my money back. And I'm told there are no refunds since it was booked through Travelocity. Off to room number four.

This sounds like Hotel California where you literally can't leave because you're just stuck in this nightmare for the rest of time. Except there's no, like, carve the roast beast. I think that's from Grinch, but a similar idea. They stab it with their steely knives. That's the one. Always reminded me of the Grinch. Right? No.

I see it. No, I'm with you. Okay. They play that in the Grinch. Right? No? I see it. No, I'm with you. Okay. They play that in the Grinch movie, that song. The Who's all singing. As he carves the road. He just can't kill the beast. Ah, who don't

Ah, who don't Hotel California What's the line about mirrors on the ceiling? That would be really... All right. Hotel California. What's the line about mirrors on the ceiling? That would be really. What? There is?

Yeah, Hotel California. Oh. Mirrors on the ceiling. Champagne on ice. Oh, nice. I know. The Hoos have a party, let me tell you. Ew, okay.

We're spiraling. I don't know about you, I've already hit the ground really hard. Okay, I began spiraling long ago. Can we just go to room number four, please? Yes. On to room number four. This one was okay. Clean, neat, and did not have a smell.

Must have been remodeled within the last ten years. We reluctantly stayed the night. The outdoor pool seemed nice. I would not go near the restaurant for fear of what we might have found. What? I don't know. I'm a little bit like, you went into four different rooms

despite them just getting worse each time. So I don't know what you thought might happen at the restaurant, but you're probably right to stay in your room and not go there. I would not go near the restaurant for fear of what we might have found, so I cannot rate that. I will never stay here again, and even went as far as reporting them to the State of Vermont Tourism Board, and also AAA.

The Golden Eagle Resort wanted to give us $100 toward our next stay to make up for the trouble. Thanks, but you couldn't pay me to stay here again. End of review. That was a very roundabout way of saying that, because I believe they said that at the beginning. They did, and much more aggressively in the beginning, which I feel like since halfway through,

I hear, now I am getting really upset. I just envision that they're getting angrier as the review goes on, but they seem to calm down near the end. Yeah. Gosh. Yeah, I don't blame you for not staying again. Yeah, no, I don't. I'm just picturing, now I'm like conflating all of these,

and there's just like worms in the drawers, there's a strange man in the bed, there's cats peeing on everything. This just seems like really, there's no snowboarders allowed. It's like a really racist place. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just terrible. Really backwards. Yeah. I've got, I've got one more and this is a smuggler's notch. I think you mean Wyndham smuggler's notch. I'm sorry. They paid good money for that. It depends on when that was because it's from eight months ago.

So when did Wyndham buy them? You should know. You should know. Okay. I should know. This is by Dave, one star. Came for the day with my family and needed rentals for my youngest. We were happy the rental place was quiet until we were rudely greeted at the counter.

The fake blonde hillbilly was not impressed that we took her away from her iPhone. Luckily, she was able to pause our transaction to look at it several times during our time at the counter. In this day and age, unfortunately, this is common. What I've never seen was when she burped extremely loudly and basically in our face. Otherwise, everything was awesome. Sad that just one rude person will definitely make us think twice about ever coming back. End of review. Maybe she has gastrointestinal distress. Be nice.

I know. How rude of you. Maybe she was on WebMD on her phone. Yeah, exactly. Trying to diagnose. Yeah. Can you imagine though if that were your dad and they're just like that hillbilly fake blonde. Like what? People are so mean. Yeah, that's not the way to describe this. In front of your kids i i would not have read it that way if they hadn't written it that way

you know i would have actually avoided it if they were like just someone calmly and nicely commented on because i'm like that is pretty ridiculous but now i'm like i don't really care about you i think she probably would have uh i would have burped in their face too. Yeah. I'm wondering if that's the odd checkout girl from J-Peak. Maybe. I actually had the same thought. Got fired. Really suddenly had the same thought. Got fired from that.

What? Because the J-Peak one was from two months ago. Oh. Smuggler's Notch was from eight months ago. Oh, fudge. Making her way through all the resorts burping around listen she's got some again gastrointestinal issues and that's okay sometimes that makes you a little odd i can attest to that yeah okay as she burps oh my god hey i didn't do it in your face

i mean i did it in literally everyone's ears, but... That was a chair. That was a chair, yeah. All right. Green Mountain Inn. One star. This is my last review. This is one star by Mindy. I travel every week for business and have stayed in many hotels around the United States.

I just, like, I mean, so have I, but, like, why would I ever take that as a moment to be like please applaud well you just basically did um Mindy I guess I stand like really shitty was very neutral like in my mind when you first started I just heard her name like okay she's five good for you jumped up to a 10 immediately when she said that. More bombs are better. Ten bombs, yeah. I travel every week for business and I've stayed in many hotels around the United States. And this is the worst hotel I have ever stayed at. You're right. I did say yes, so do I.

You literally said that. I know. I'm realizing that now. And I didn't. You're just as bad as Mindy. Fuck. And then you said that they're not even good. You're like, they're not even good you're like they're not

that good the ones i say and i'm saying yes i know you're like i could write a one-star review on all of them just like mindy you are you are mindy right now i'm saying mindy's staying at a nice resort i'm saying i don't stay for business in nice ski resorts. Only occasionally a window. Snow, what's it called? Snowshoe Mountain? No. Okay. Snowshoe was not a thing we've said this episode. Oh, that was a hotel I stayed at two weeks ago.

Oh, the... I'm sorry. Okay. Full of worms. Okay. You are? Yep. And this is the worst hotel I have ever stayed at.

First of all, they old us our room was on the second floor. We spent 20 minutes trying to find the room and two calls to the front desk asking for help. It wasn't on the second floor. It was on the third floor. You take the elevator to the second floor and then walk up a very steep flight to get to the room. The fireplace is just a red... The fireplace is just a red light blub. I don't know what's funnier, if it's a blub or a bulb, either way.

The fireplace is just a red light blub bulb are you sure that isn't an incubator it could be yeah for all those worms that need hatching what the hell kind of worms do you have why what kind of worms were you thinking i had it's a real question and the room is dark with a very small bathroom they shut the elevator off at 10 p.m so be prepared to walk up three flights of stairs i could have let that go but that evening we found blood all over our sheets. Wait. Not blub, by the way. Oh my god, not even a bulb?

Not red light blub. What the hell? Wait, what? Listen. That evening, we found blood all over our bedsheets, and that's when I knew it was time to leave. The women at the front desk said the maid must have cut her hand

and said she would give us half off our second night if we decided to stay. No way am I staying in a dirty room. End of review. Oh, my God. That took a turn. I don't know why people bury the lead like this. Yeah. You know, like, oh, there's only a light bulb that makes up the fireplace.

It's so true. Also, there's blood all over my bed. Wait, hold on. I will say that at the end, because this is TripAdvisor, they have a little rating thing at the end. It says, trip type, traveled as a couple, sleep quality, three stars, somehow. Okay. And room tip, blood on our sheets. Just a tip for you guys. In case you're staying. Yeah, just so you know. Not blub, but blood. Look out for the blood.

And blub. And blub. All right, that's the last one I have. Oh, good. I'm out too. Great. Can you toss me my gloves? It's cold.

And now I don't have to use my phone anymore. Do you want me to turn on the fireplace? Just one little switch, yeah. Okay, let me put on my gloves we're recording this outside yeah in a mountain actually we're in vermont vermont sounds like a nightmare i'm sorry vermont but it sounds terrible actually guys i'm going to vermont buy tickets please because it hasn't sold out yet thank you okay um where in vermont are you going montpelier nope burlington oh burlington which is technically not where we are in most of these somebody was like there are

no resorts in burlington i'm like i understand they're not in burlington they are around burlington they are quite close they seem yeah they are accessible from burlington burlington now i'm saying birmingham i'm very confused. Burlington. Like the coat factory. Yes, correct. Yes. No. So, my challenge was to find a review.

This is from Amanda, right? Challenge? Yes. It's a review of a pet product. Amanda inspired me. She was my muse in this case. Gross. And Carrie also?

Corinne was somehow my muse without me knowing it. Corinne was your wannabe muse. Corinne, you're such a wannabe. Get out of here. I even called you Carrie. That's how bad of a runner-up I think you are. I'm sorry. That was so mean.

I don't know why I said that. I love you, Corinne. I'm so sorry. That was terrible. Corinne's never going to catch up. Corinne doesn't care actually you're right corinne stopped listening corinne's like oh i listen to other stupid podcasts and that's what we drink yeah i specifically am not going to their show in

burlington i don't blame you one tiny bit i'll be at the coat factory you should what if i did a show at burlington what if i got confused and i actually just did a show at burlington coat factory um are you coming to my show in Vermont? I think that'd be fun. Of all shows, why would I go to that one? Why not? Because Vermont sounds fun. Not after this episode.

Okay, fair. But we're not staying at the window. You literally just want me to go to a show that's not sold out. Yeah. Good point. Okay, so this is, I have a couple. Now, the first one is kind of just like a baseline to establish that I accomplished the challenge. So this is a review. A little teaser.

A little teaser. This is a review of Lion Mane costume with ears for large dog pet. Wait, okay. This is exactly what Amanda wanted. I know. I'm saying I accomplished the goal. I'm excited. I'm excited. Actually is exactly what Amanda wanted. I know. I'm saying I accomplished the goal. I'm excited. Actually, the name is longer.

There was another line of words, so let me say it again. This is a review of Lion Mane costume with ears for large dog pet Halloween Christmas party fancy hair dog clothes. Why didn't you read that whole thing the first time? What's wrong with you? It took me a lot of breath. Okay. Ryan gave this five stars. I know dog is pictured for this product, but it fits me great.

So there's that. Cool. Wow. Cool. Was it like a small dog? It says for large dog pet. So my head is quite large. Your head is very large.

Normal things for humans do not fit me. Right. I wonder if dog items would fit better. I imagine not. Probably not. Maybe horse. I should bump it up to horse. Find a horse mane.

No, don't do that because that exists. I'm not cutting off a horse's mane for my costume. Don't do that. Nor am I cutting off a lion's mane for my costume don't do that um nor am i cutting off a lion's mane either for a costume i will say i will say that i like that it's called halloween christmas party fancy hair dog clothes so it could be like halloween christmas those are the two holidays or just fancy or just fancy party just fancy party for your large dog pet. Yeah. Or for Ryan. Okay, so the next one. Don't say or.

It might be your large pet is, the large dog pet is Ryan. Is Ryan. Yeah. Oh, shit. That makes a whole lot of sense. Okay, so this next one is for you, Corinne. And I'm sorry. This is my apology to you.

This is a review of valuable, healthy, natural dog treats. Two stars by Dan. I just realized how comical it is that it's a two-star review of dog treats in a challenge where people... I'm nervous. I found this product while searching for human jerky and ordered it. Nowhere did I see that it was for pets pets but i didn't really read it very carefully luckily i have a dog he seemed to dig it at first but now he won't even eat it i think it's too hard for his little puggle mouth and a few uh i will say what the packaging has a giant dog on it and so either he thought he was eating jerky dog yeah right correct in front of his puggle

uh it's called healthy natural dog treats so i truly don't understand i mean he didn't read it very closely he literally didn't read the actual name of it i didn't really read very carefully yeah not really at all actually no not at. And who calls it human jerky? Please don't say that. Wait, that was the other thing I was going to say. It's in capitals. Human jerky. Do not say human jerky.

That makes me very uncomfortable. Well, maybe that's what he was shopping for, Zanny. Well, don't do that. For his Puggle, who eats only human flesh. Annie stopped eating it. What the heck? Oh, my God. He lost the taste for human flesh.

I guess I'll take it. Like Puggle. Yikes. So I guess that one technically, I don't know that they tried it. They didn't admit to trying it. Oh, they did. Oh, they did. You know what?

You're right. They did. I shouldn't even. Positive. Why else would he be so mad? Two stars. Pretty aggressive review. All right.

This next one I have is optics care dog and cat eye lube i just needed you to what i saw that you were drinking so i wanted to wait optics care dog and cat eye lube plus lubricating gel 0.7 ounce tube did is this one of those things that you didn't even like look up what it is you just Is this one of those things that you didn't even look up what it is? I just copy-paste blindly. You're like, oh, well, someone, a human tried it. What is that? Five Stars by Lulu Mom.

What? I'm asking you, what is that? Oh, it's eye lube. What is that? That's what I'm saying. Do you know what that is? Yeah, it's for dry eyes for dogs. If they have dry eyes or dry eyes.

Because when I think of like lube, I'm thinking like, okay, it's to lubricate it for like another, I don't know, like. To see out of less dry eyes. That's it? I guess so. Why would you call it that? Is that what it's called? Eye lube? I don't know.

Let me look up dog and cat eye lube. Like when I think that, I think like, okay, to make something like fit better or i don't know um keep your pals dry eyes soothe and moisturize so he can enjoy all the sights kids does that help okay i guess i help you like i'm thinking like oh it works for horses too oh then it might work for me and my giant head. I'm telling you, especially if you have that mane on. Okay. So, Optics Care Dog and Cat Eye Lube plus Lubricating Gel, 0.7-ounce tube. Five stars by Lulu Mom. We have a mini dachshund that suffers from severe dry eyes.

This is what we put in during the day. We use other eye lube at night. Doesn't sting at all. Yes, I tried it on myself first. They sell it at the vet's office, but Chewy's price can't be beat. End of review. Cute. They put that in their eyeballs.

Good for them. Sandy. I think that's great. Human testing is better than animal testing, if you ask me. I mean, yeah, but not like unsupervised in your own home. I don't think it's what that means. You know, I would agree that it's that's not what it means but i'm glad that it happened i forgot i just looked ahead and i'm so excited about the next one good there's there's i just kind of went on a rampage and just copy and pasted these all in and um some of them i i'm really

thrilled about including this one. Soresto 8-month flea and tick prevention collar for large dogs. Soresto 8-month flea and tick prevention collar for large dogs. Five stars by Glennie. What? Dope. No more creepy crawlies. I'm going to get another couple to wear as anklets for myself.

Can you imagine? Oh, I love your new bracelet. Oh, it's actually a flea collar for large dogs. Thank you. Keeps the fleas away. No more creepy crawlies. Oh, my God. If you wear it in that resort full of worms, I bet that would actually be really effective. I wonder what is in it.

I feel like that would not be good for you. No, no, no. I mean, the flea preventative stuff is so fucked up. Like, the stuff that they use. Okay, but it's... okay. It's dangerous. You don't want to put that on your ankle. No. I thought human testing was super good, Sandy. Well, it is.

If it's for eye lube. You might as well accessorize. Oh, so if you put it in your eyeballs, it's okay, but if you put them on your ankles... Yeah, like the flea drops, if you use that and you put in your eyeball you're okay oh okay good because i did do that the eyeball is known to be like one of the strongest like organs like very immune to outside yeah yeah influence you can do anything to it and it'll be fine that's crazy i didn't know that. Why did Blaze never tell me that? I don't know. Okay.

So the next one is of Vetra Science, Vetra Repel Flea and Tick Spray. Are you happy now? Nope. Five stars by Keeble. Great product. I use it myself. It works great. From someone who's a mosquito magnet.

No. There's things for that. There are literal things, many, many things for that. From someone that is a mosquito magnet, I can tell you this product's amazing. I have so many mosquito catchers installed all around inside my house. And this is the one product that actually works. Where do you live? That's scary. I live in Florida.

I'm like, it's got to be somewhere swampy and terrible. I held up one finger and my eyes gleamed. Just wait. I live in Florida near many lakes. I think you mean swamps. I have not been outside early in the morning or late in the afternoon in years. Now I can. Can you imagine finally she breaks out of her house, like, covered in flea and dick spray?

I can finally leave the house. And, like, covered in ankle bracelets that are ankle monitors that are actually just flea collars. I haven't been outside in the morning or in the afternoon in years. Now I can. Well, enough about me. I know if this product works so great for me, I can be assured it is working for every member of my family. Including your newborn? End of review.

Your newborn baby? Did you spray this stuff on? Including your newborn? End of review. Your newborn baby? Did you spray this stuff on? This is also from Chewy.com, which is famously a pet supply website. Yes.

So I just love that this is where... There's no way that they'd be like, oh, this is for humans. Yeah, there's definitely no confusion there. And Keeble clearly understands that. Do you think they're of the elf variety? Could be. Could be elf variety? Could be. Yeah. Could be. Yeah.

Could be. No, you're Keeble, and I think cookies. I think Mosquito Magnet. Wow. Okay. These just get worse. The next one is called UltiCare UltiGuard SafePak Insulin Syringes. Oh, no. Let's move on one star by daniel terrible these are absolutely worthless maybe one in four are sharp enough to even pierce the skin

i tried it on myself and i couldn't get it to work there either save your money and heartache end of review and heartache oh lord oh no what And heartache? Oh, Lord. Oh, no. What happened? I think, I don't know. It wasn't working on their animal? Yeah, I don't want to know that. Or their own skin? That was a rhetorical question. Wow, they were trying to stab themselves and everything?

It didn't work? They weren't trying very hard. You got to just try harder. Yeah, you got to just really try hard. I know all about that. I know you do. Comfort zone spray and scratch control. Pheromone technology.

And then to... Is that... Oh my God. Is that to keep cats from scratching things? And peeing on things. Why would a human... I'm trying to think. Oh, I couldn't keep control myself.

I kept going to scratch the couch. I wanted to pee on the couch. This stuff finally helped. Oh i'm sure we'll hear in a second i live in florida so just kidding sorry florida i'm gonna read to you the full description of the product um to be clear it won't give you any more uh understanding of what's going on but comfort zone spray and scratch control pheromone technology is proven to help reduce urine marking, limit destructive scratching, and create a calming environment.

One star by M. Gidio. I will not buy Comfort Zone with Feliway again. It made me really mixed up and out of it at work. Pfft! it made me really mixed up and out of it at work oh no you're not supposed to huff it what are you doing by the way i know by the way i looked into

this product so i was like maybe it has some like chemical no it literally just has like pheromones that cats secrete in their own – that don't affect any other creature besides other cats. So, right. Okay. Just so you know. It made me really mixed up and out of it at work. I can't afford to lose my job. I was calm, sure, but it was not pleasant.

I think the manufacturers of this product should warn customers that it affects humans in a similar way to cats. End of review. There is some, genetically, there is something going on here. I know. That is crazy. Now, at this point, I wanted to get back to amanda's original query and i found another um piece of pet apparel this is the zach and zoe reversible nor'easter dog blanket coat five stars by rachel that sounds cozy right now i know i'm pretty sure that's kind of what i'm

wearing he's not sure of it but i know he'll like it when it's cold outside and he starts wearing it. Another bonus. It fits me, too. End of review. I do like that they can just kind of be like, oh, my dog's not into it. I guess I'll wear it today. What does this look like? It's a blanket?

So it's like a blanket coat, kind of where you put it on the back of the dog and then it has four leg holes. So I don't know how the fuck this fits Rachel. Also something genetic going on here too. Something weird. Maybe the animals are getting Amazon accounts. Moved on from teens. Okay, now I have two more. Photo real hot dog child costume.

Five stars by Katrine. Now I'm going to explain i hadn't fully read the description of the product before i read the review so i was extremely confused okay and then i figured out what was going on this is by katrine i got this for my husky son husky son that Husky son. That's me. That was me growing up. Yes.

I thought it meant dog son. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I got this for my... Also, it's capital H. So... Oh, so it's confusing.

Okay. I got this for my husky son. He is 5'2". This is where I got really confused. This is where I started to really wonder. Who measures their dog that way? He is 5' two and 130 pounds i tried it on and it fits me as well i'm five foot six 125 pounds the back is plain will be

easy for him to put on at school and then i also went hold on i'm so confused can you yeah now can you read the description that is a photo real hot dog child costume photo real hot dog child costume it's for a child i thought this whole time they're talking about their husky yeah dog and then i read that the dog was five foot two and also goes to school so this is not a pet product no it's not i just copy pasted it and then realized later yeah i got confused sorry that's it was my bad i was like damn he's tall this dog and then it was like, damn, he's tall, this dog. And then it was like he goes to school and I had to do a little bit of a thought process there. So this last one is a doggone.

This is actually one that I ended up purchasing. Actually? Yeah. Okay. I did some shopping as we moved through. Some of the dog treats that humans like there were a lot of by the way dog foods and treats that humans tried um i don't recommend but some of them actually seem pretty tasty sometimes i pour olives food out and i'm like oh my god that smells pretty good

olive food is disgusting so i don't really know why you think that but it's like fish yes exactly i don't eat fish anymore so i'm like maybe i'm just missing it gross i'm having i'm having my cravings that's so disgusting i can't even speak to you um i the one that looked really interesting where they had golden oreos basically for dogs what they were like peanut butter and they were like just they were human grade golden oreos for dogs weird no so this is the doggone pet product uv flashlight for pet urine now let's just say we have four animals in the house in some parts of the house i've noticed i think some of the animals have been marking it so i bought this flashlight to figure out what the hell so if you ever felt like i want to hang

out at their place no you don't seem to like have a lot of fun there no it smells and it's it's also four it's also four degrees like literally freezing it's warmer outside than it is inside incredible it's actually it's actually snowing okay just inside just inside This is a five-star review by Redneck Mama. Yes. Of the UV flashlight for pet urine. I bought this so I could teach my beloved spouse and teenage son about splashback. That's hilarious. They're like children when it comes to using the toilet.

They pee everywhere. In the walls, down the front of the toilet, and all over the floor. In the walls? Yeah, I was confused about that. Where the ants are? Yeah. Oh, my God. Where the floorboards are? All the floorboards being ripped off the walls.

So just so they can pee in them. Yeah. Wow. They aim for the holes. And I'm pretty sure that review from that hotel had pee too in it. Oh, I'm sure i think most of them did don't by the way some of the reviews were like please don't bring this to a hotel you'll regret it this flashlight oh god okay yes absolutely i will not okay they're like

children when it comes to using the toilet they pee everywhere in the walls down the front of the toilet all over the floor and i'm sick and tired of scrubbing up their pi star star uh-oh uh-oh redneck mama almost swore can't have that i will say there were two photos included that i did not did not want to see why i did not want to see them but i did she just wanted to shame her shame her beloved spouse and son yeah um yeah so those were nasty because most people used them for pets and i was like okay the photo is helpful this was not helpful a picture of a toilet here's what a toilet looks like blacklight fucking gross so thank you for that thanks redneck mama i know i made a joke last time like

oh i hope people try out their electric yeah i was gonna actually not i would say like 85 percent of the ones i found were of those those collars which actually like i probably would do too if i bought i mean i wouldn't buy my dog an electric fence. But like I did what suddenly wasn't so weird to me. I was like, well, sure. You want to know like how painful it is if you're putting this on your dog. And some of them were like, it was so painful. Anyway, then I put it on my dog. I was like, what does it matter with you if it hurts you?

Anyway, so but then some of them were just like the kind of vibrate or whatever. And they wanted to like try it out first to make sure. Yeah. like the kind that vibrate or whatever and they wanted to like try it out first to make sure yeah so suddenly my thing made a lot of more sense than i had you know initially envisioned um and then obviously next up was dog treats and foods a lot of times um confusion of whether they were animal or human um and that's about it yeah okay good stuff that was a lot it was good yeah sorry i know that was like a million completed your task and you went above and beyond nobly perhaps nobly i would say it was noble oh thank you um i would agree anyway thank you amanda and uh technically corinne technically for that for that yeah and whoever else I'm forgetting or something.

I bet there was someone out there who was like, what the fuck? Yeah. To you too. Yeah. You too. You know who you are. You know, that was really fun. Yeah.

I like both of those topics. That was a good episode. I think so too. And I think next week, this comes out on Christmas. No, this comes out a week before. Not this. Sorry. The next one. I'm sorry. That was very unclear. You're like, this comes out a week before. Not this, sorry, the next one. I'm sorry, that was very unclear. You're like, this comes out in two days.

Yes. No, the next episode. This releases a week before Christmas, which means that the next episode comes out on the 25th. On Wednesday the 25th. So I was thinking, probably what you were thinking, that we would do a holiday. Is it Christmas or just holiday theme?

Holiday theme. I think we should be more inclusive. No, absolutely. You don't want to be, but I think I want to be. You know, I'm very strict about that. I know. I know that you're kind of like the closed-minded one. I haven't been to Starbucks since the holiday cubs because...

Oh, of course not. I mean, sorry. See, they're getting to me with their liberal agenda. I just said holiday c. I mean, sorry. See, they're getting to me with their liberal agenda. I just said holiday cups. LA, yeah. I mean, you did literally say this at the beginning of this episode. We post-mated Starbucks. So I think you kind of ruined that for your image for yourself there.

But I specifically wrote in the notes, no holiday cups. I'm anti-Starbucks holiday cups. And then you wrote, Merry Christmas. Yeah. Oh, God. Keep the Christ in Christmas. I just realized we get to read those kinds of reviews for next week if we want to. Oh, actually, that just gave me a stomachache.

No. For the record, I'm not like that at all. Thank you. I just had the best idea, but I don't want to tell you. Okay, good. It's going to be fun. So, yeah, next episode is going to be our holiday special. Yay.

And it's going to be a lot of fun. That's how I'm going to start next week. Everyone's going to skip it. I hope you forget. I really do. I hope you forget that. We both know I will. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.