Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not caused by Starbucks holiday cups. Apparently those are just the result of Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Losers like us. Try not to break your finger smashing the play button, and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A!  Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests, and of course they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people

who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy Holidays Do you always just have something prepared? Happy Holidays, yeah Okay, do you know any of the other words?

Happy Holidays Oh no Welcome to our holiday extravaganza This is Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion My name is Christine. And my name is Alex. Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome.

We have decided to do a special holiday episode. It feels like we just did the Thanksgiving one. And the Halloween one. Oh, true. Yeah, there was quite a little... We are, yeah. But we like these. I think they're really fun. Hopefully you guys like them, too, because we're loving them. Because it just gives us a chance to read all sorts of things.

You guys just keep us locked in a box at all times. Exactly. And I want to get out every now and then and spin a dreidel. So here we are. Spoilers. Spoiler alert. Yeah. So I don't know.

We're going home for the holidays. No, we're not. Neither of us are going home for the holidays. Well, I am kind of. I'm going home for New Year's at least. Okay. I'm going to Blaze's home for the holidays. I'm going to Allie's home for Christmas.

Okay, so we won't be around each other, unfortunately, because it would have been fun. Last year, around this time, is when we filmed the infamous Long John Donut. Our first YouTube video, right? Yeah, our first ever. How sad. Yeah, I'm sure since we live together, we'll have plenty of opportunity to find... We say that, and yet we have been living together, and how many videos do we have by now? I know.

A little bit behind. 2020, new year, new us. New year, new us. New decade, new us, really. New decade. This is the last episode of the entire decade. That's crazy. It is crazy.

It's sad. Sort of? Yeah, pretty sad, I i guess it's been a wild decade it's not like we've been doing this for a decade it's really true like if if the if we had started this in 2000 then we've been like whoa it's those timelines did i say 2010 it's okay oh my god it's the end of the new year new you um oh no I will say it's like those timelines of when they say this is how long humanity has existed on the spectrum of the Earth. Unless you're obviously a creationist, in which case I don't know why you're listening to this. But so they have those timelines and it's like, look how little time we've actually spent on the Earth. That's us in the decade. Yep, accurate.

Just a little bit. so we're you know what at the end of the next decade we will that'll be something hit an entire decade when our podcast is hoverboarding and all that good stuff oh yeah that's what you were that's what people were saying 2010 they're like oh just wait for 2020 we'll be hoverboarding can you imagine what if hoverboards do exist they're called that at least they don't hover but on the day of the 2020 all those predictions came true like the first day on the first day of 2020 all those predictions came true the jetsons came to life oh are they dead well have we reached the year that they're supposed to exist yeah it's an infinite jetson loop you haven't heard of it nope and i don't think we should tell the year that they're supposed to exist. Yeah, it's an infinite Jetson loop. You haven't heard of it?

Nope. And I don't think we should tell anyone about that because we have a podcast to do. Okay, fine. Okay, welcome to our show. Welcome to our show, everyone. I think you have more holiday reviews than I do, so why don't you start? My first one was sent in by a listener. Oh, cheater.

This one was sent in by Rochelle, who said that while browsing Amazon's list of stocking stuffers for men, I found an extreme amount of listings for sexy coupon books. No thanks. Do you remember that time your mom gave Tim one of those? No. I'm pretty sure that actually happened i'm pretty sure okay i hate that well i hope it's not this one because of uh what's in it um but rochelle says happy holidays and then in parentheses probably july 4th by the time you read it well well you know what normally accurate... Oh, Rochelle sent it yesterday.

Oh my gosh. That's how quick... This is the quickest turnaround. Oh my gosh. You are very lucky, Rochelle. Yeah, we did this just for you. We wanted to prove a point. The next ones will all be read in July, so don't get your hopes up. And I would just like to say, due to the nature of this review, if you are still someone who lets your children listen to this, please stop.

Yeah. Right now. I know that people think this is like is like oh it has a picture of an umbrella on the front it's fine um and that's fine if you want your children to listen that's your prerogative it's none of our business but don't yell at us that's that's all explicit like i don't your children are welcome to listen to whatever i mean what by the time i was 10 i've probably heard all sorts of just don't be mad at my mom had mom had coupon books, sexy coupon books all over the house. So, like, it doesn't bother me. But if you don't want your children to hear this kind of thing, be careful. We have a younger sister who can be taken away by Child Protective Services. So, watch what you say.

Taken away from whom? From our mother. Probably to our house. Oh, yeah, you're right. We don't want that. Yeah. Anyway, so, and also there's some other stuff that isn't that children shouldn't hear about the holidays, specifically about Christmas and a certain Christmas character.

What? There's just spoilers in the sense that it's... I'll just leave the room during those parts. All right. Here's the review of the sexy coupon book. This person does not have a name, but here we go. The title is Don't Waste Your Money. What a joke.

I bought these for my husband as a fun stocking stuffer. First of all, it's a gamble because they don't show you any pictures of the inside of the book. I should have taken that as a sign. Number one, the pages aren't perforated, so they aren't easy to tear out to use. Number two, the things suggested are pretty crazy. Pegging? A blumpkin? I had to look some things up and I was disgusted, lol. The language used is really bizarre.

See my photo for an example. Really? I'm guessing English isn't the author's native language. I still gave the book to my husband, but with the disclaimer that a lot of the things weren't going to happen. After reading through it, he totally understood why I said that and agreed with me. Since then, the book hasn't been touched. Sure, we had a laugh on Christmas, but was it worth the money spent? Not really. Would you like to hear what the picture says?

I just looked up blumping and it came up with top 10 best plumbers in Los Angeles. So I really didn't know. You spelled blumpkin wrong. Oh, blumpkin. Blumpkin. Did you look it up? I had heard of it before. Oh, okay.

Woofaroo. See, that is a woofaroo. boy oh boy your kids know how to google right so be careful don't let them google that um here's what one of the oh sorry i'm just getting residual chills a unique unique one uh this is uh what the photo has It's one of the pages. Ride me, then let me pull out and sperm on face. What? Holy shit. Sorry. What? This is our holiday special, Alexander. What are you doing? I wanted... I did this on purpose. I did this because now the later stuff about the spoilers

that children shouldn't hear. This is the way of getting getting rid of them. Just like early. What should I call it? Not decimating. What are you doing with your hand? I'm showing you what I'm trying to do to the children. Okay.

Stop. What? She's like chopping at them. Like weeding them out of the episode no like weeding them out before they get farther in the episode yeah okay like preventing them from going for any further yeah like okay stop with your hand what are you doing i don't know what you're trying to say like tilling the soil okay just keep going never mind no i'm done i think everyone understands your turn i no one understands you i think they do okay i did say decimate in there so i didn't mean that well decimate means killing the every 10th person that's why i meant it to like thin out thin out

the children yeah not really what that means in a not in a mean not in a violent way yeah okay so remember last episode when i said oh i already have an idea for what i wanted to look at yeah what i wanted to look up was how the grinch stole christmas reviews oh good idea that's how i should have started can we start over yeah you told me you would start it that way damn it and you fucked it up and i was saying i hope you forget and i was so relieved when you forgot okay so this is a review of how the grinch stole christmas the 1966 film version um which has been colorized which this is the one we watched as kids wait was it originally black and white i think so or at least the colors were very muted because this is like a vivid vivid imagination i think so 66 so i don't know they had color stuff in that back then didn't they i don't freaking know i don't know but

apparently some people were upset that the sky looked pink and all this stuff because they like messed with the color i don't know okay this is a one-star review by sherry of how the grinch stole christmas i did not approve this. End of review. Whoa. I know. Back in the 60s. Should have run this by Sherry first. Someone should have talked to her. Sherry was only allowed to be a receptionist in the 60s,

so I don't know what Sherry thinks. Maybe now Sherry, like, I don't know. Never mind. Interesting. Keep on this, though. Keep on this line of thinking. Oh, gonna start quoting mad men it just wasn't that's the first thing i thought of it's not gonna end well anyway so sherry just doesn't approve and didn't approve well if she still doesn't that's the problem also this was the 50th anniversary edition so oh maybe she didn't approve that she

was involved in the original yeah yeah maybe she was the original oh wow yeah if she you think she is cindy luhu no i think she's the grinch oh she's the grinch yeah wow no one sounds about right with that negative review um yeah so that's that your turn i have another listener one this is from. Sandy was looking at funny mittens and came across this one. And also every time that you say Zandy, she feels like she's being addressed. Oh, oh, oh, her name's Sandy? Yes. I am.

I'm talking. You've never answered, by the way. And Sandy's also German. Sandy. But living in awful hot Arizona. Listen up. I've been talking to you for all this time, for a decade now. Beach 2 Sandy.

So it's like an oven mitt on Amazon. And the oven mitt has it's that like classic like, what's that dog name with the I don't know, it's that like little girl with the dog and it says this is fucking delicious. It says that on the mitt. But yeah, it like little girl with a dog and it says, this is fucking delicious.

It says that on the mitt. Okay, but yeah, it's a girl and a dog? Yeah, it's like an image of a girl and a dog, but on the mitt it says, this is fucking delicious. Okay. Great. Okay. This is what DZE Mama has to say. Five stars.

I fucking love this mitt. My kids got me this for christmas i type my kids because let's be real they don't have any money so i buy stuff for myself wrap it and put their names on the from line end of review i need to have kids stat right good idea is this what happens yeah that's basically you get more gifts what i recall is mom would give us 20 bucks to buy presents and we would just buy a really crappy presence and waste her money yeah yeah so maybe that's we had fun doing it we should have gone this route instead i remember i once bought mama zen waterfall and she was like what the hell am i supposed to do with this i bought mama a

squirrel now she does love that squirrel though though. Yeah. Oh, my. Well, you know what? That's awesome. Good for you, Dizzy. That sounds like a redemption, though. It was. It was five stars. All right.

We'll keep in things. I didn't say anything. I'm just mixing them up. Cheery and bright. Yeah. Well, I'm not keeping things cheery and bright. Oh, tell me. This is a review of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the book.

Oh. Liz gave it one star i bought this as a special gift for my daughter's first christmas and the book arrived covered in donut frosting are you kidding me end of review what i don't know There wasn't even a photo. Verified purchase. I think someone has a cocaine problem. Accidentally spilled it on it and had to cover it up to their family. It's Dr. Seuss. I'm going to write a negative review about this donut frosting all over this book.

It's bizarre. What? Yeah, I don't know. There were a lot of negative reviews because apparently this seller or print, whoever printed this version of the book printed like thousands of them with the cover upside down like the pages were binded in the wrong direction basically or how do they sell that many the funniest ones which like wouldn't come across in an audio show uh where that people were getting copies of the green she stole christmas that were like two inches tall and wide like they were like tiny like weirdly small yeah like they showed photos

they were like why did this arrive in the mail i didn't know it was going to be and it's advertised as eight and a half by 11 inches so weird what the heck is happening but donut frosting that was the one and only donut frosting how do you know it's donut frosting i do so specific you know that you had to taste it yeah right like but like why would it necessarily be for a donut i don't know it just seems weird to me maybe long johns just have a really specific long johns don't have frosting i don't or wait yes they do i'm thinking of uh i wasn't thinking frost okay i forgot what frosting was for a second can we move on now that I admitted that?

Yeah, please. Okay. This next one is my first thought when I thought of a Christmas episode. Okay. Because of a Starbucks in San Francisco. I was going to do this too, but I figured. You figured I would? Yep.

I know how you feel about the holiday cups after last episode. Well, Bill gets me. Here's a one-star review by Bill. The Starbucks company is run by a bunch of anti-American, anti-Christmas, lunatic left-wing liberal losers. Their drinks are hugely overpriced and their coffee is one of the worst I've tasted. Don't let the lunatic left-wing liberal losers ruin our country by destroying our traditions and changing our history. End of review. You know, he actually had that.

He went on Etsy and had that carved into a beautiful wooden palette for above the kitchen table. Oh, that's wonderful. Live, laugh, love. And then underneath it says liberal left-wing losers. Lunatic left-wing liberal losers. That's a nice twist on live, laugh, love, though. True, true. Live, laugh, liberal left wing liberal losers that's a nice twist on live laugh love though true true live laugh liberal like in that in that like same like curly font like a cursive font oh of course always yeah um i don't know what we have to say about this it's just it makes no sense to

me i don't know what the hell like there's no clear reason why he sees them that way is it actually because of the holiday cups because if so that is pathetic do you think he really do you think this is the only one he's reviewed or does he copy paste that into all the starbucks oh he does have five reviews i actually didn't check that's a good point because i feel like it would he only has five so he's hit five starbucks in the united states he only has what like 25 to go i think oh yeah yeah he's almost there well i finally did my homework turns out bill has five reviews but uh only one of the starbucks but there are two one star and three two star reviews are they all in the same location because i wonder how he picked this starbucks no one is in tacoma

washington the starbucks was in san francisco um the there's a car wash in colorado what the hell and a hot tub service in colorado and a bar in colorado so colorado clearly he has a condo over there yes that's gotta be it well the first three were there in 2017 and then two years later he's in san francisco and then he was driving alexander from colorado back home to tacoma and he stopped at a starbucks got it and regretted it for the rest of his life yeah i think it all makes perfect sense makes sense it makes sense yeah all right the next one i have is um home alone on dvd yes so i just watched this. You did. Yeah. So after there are a lot of interesting ones for this. But after the these book and movie ones, I get into like more. I get into like some longer ones.

So I'm getting into Christmas movies. These are very short. This is a one star review by Damien of Home Alone on DVD. After getting it and watching it several times, have gotten bored with the movie one star end of review jesus christ what time okay several times he watched it what at what point did he suddenly go i'm bored like i know what's gonna happen this is like a clockwork orange situation is like yeah and he's just watching it and then after three times he's like you know what i'm getting a little bored let me write my review now jesus i wonder if he does everything over and over until he hates it and

then writes a negative review to the point where he's bored of writing reviews and hopefully stops forever oh man now that's meta that's that's the dream that would be actually lovely if people just got bored of writing negative reviews actually it would suck because we need a job true true i think we have enough like in the backlog though that's true you guys can we screenshot every review so that they don't get deleted because i want to make sure we don't miss out there's like archive.org is like a site or the wayback machine yeah but site that collects all these old things. I mean, like Flash games and all this stuff just in case it gets, you know, just to archive it. So we need that for Yelp reviews. Just kidding.

We definitely don't need that for Yelp reviews. Oh, okay. That's what our podcast will be in the future. That's a good point. If we last. They're going to have to cut out a lot of bullshit. That's true. That'll be in 2030 when finally Yelp has been like overthrown by the liberal left wing losers.

Okay, my next one is of, it's five stars. I don't, I don't know. Damn. It's of a Burger King in Black River Falls, Wisconsin. It was by Cooper. Here we go. Okay. Yo, holy shiznit. So it's Christmas and I'm in the car on the way

to see the girlfriend's fam. Gonna be hella weird when I break up with her while I'm visiting, but it'll also be really funny. Anyways, so it's Christmas and McDonald's is right across the street, but it's closed? Since when does McDonald's care about their employees? Taking hints from Chick-fil-A or just trying to fit in with the liberal agenda? The government is controlling our emotions with chemtrails. Wake up, people. So Burger King is open, but McDonald's isn't. Illuminati confirmed that.

So as I was saying. Yes. Chemtrails. Okay. And this is one of those reviews that's obviously very like jokey and weird, but at the same time has like weird details in it. Like a little troll-y. I wonder what of this actually happened. Right's based there's a nugget of truth somewhere potentially so and i think it's the chemtrails we're trying to mine mine it for

that nugget for that nugget um so burger king is open but mcdonald's isn't illuminati confirmed in wisconsin which is weird because there really isn't anything else here okay so i got the double whopperopper and some fries. I had a surge in the car, so I didn't need the drink. And the dude was all, well, you can get a drink. Do you want a bottle of water? What a stellar guy. I needed that bottle four hours later to take a leak in. The burger was fresh and only gave me a little bit of diarrhea, which is saying a lot. The rest of my crew got a junior Whopper and a veggie burger. Wait, there's more people in this car? Apparently there is. It's a whole caravan. They're all breaking up with his girlfriend? Oh, this is sad. Yeah, man, they got veggie burgers here. Don't see Arby's with roast veggie sandwiches.

The best part was when the guy wished us Merry Christmas. None of this Happy Holidays crap that the Hillary lovers invented. Five out of five would go again. If I ever get stuck in Wisconsin, and I'm ten times more likely to get stuck in my chair and have to be sawed off. Whatever, I was gonna lose that foot to diabetes anyways. Bush did 9-11. Stay safe, everyone.

End of review. What the fuck is happening? I think the only lie, the only made up part in that whole review was that he had a surge in the car. That was the detail where i kept reading after that because i'm like okay this is kind of dumb and then i read the search and i'm like why is this so specific this seems weirdly he really knew the menu inside and out too

i mean maybe he really is just bored in wisconsin or wherever he is yeah bush did 9-11 stay sick god damn it well that one's just what in the world was that about was that from a listener or you just know what did you google bush did 9-11 always that's on my i have that as my my gmail google alerts your news alert um that and hillary lovers oh sure. So I got double pinged for this one. Double pinged. I just have a surge one, and I got that and went, psh, liar. Yeah. Okay.

So my next one is a review of Mike's Hot House Nurseries and Gardening. And this is a place that sells Christmas trees. Got it. So Bob gave it one star. I was going there to buy a Christmistree. When I got there, the sign out front said they were selling Xmistrees. Since they decided to X out the Christ in Christmas, I decided to X out my shopping there. I followed the red signs along the road to a place where they were selling Christmistrees.

End of review. What a weird little person a weird little man that's such a weird like i don't know it seems very like fragile way of thinking like oh that's exhausting they probably just couldn't fit it on the sign i don't think this was like that i mean so as much as we like on a political level have a lot that we disagree on clearly i don't think this place was like purposefully crossing out i mean they just wrote xmas like jesus christ right there's a lot of jesus x jesus x please be careful and um i remember when i was little and i learned about xmas because we went to catholic school in case you guys haven't fucking figured that out but and um i said xmas and i was like oh cool x teen like i this is the first realization you know and one of my teachers was like don't you ever take the christ out of your own name and i thought oh jesus and then when i got an instagram i uh shouted it for the world to see here we are

um yeah so bob i'm glad you finally got your christ it was all capital christ mystery god that's bad like what what why he must be really angry all the time because if you are that angry about just somebody writing x mysteries exactly then like your life must be very stressful because you must be so angry all the time. Not the way to live. No. Not the way to live, but whatever. Also, I love that he just-

Hurting yourself more than anyone else, so whatever. That's true. I do love that he just followed red signs along the road to the Christmistries. I don't know, like, I wonder if there's- Yeah, what does that mean? That's a good point. Maybe there's, like, a competing business that knows that people like Bob exist and they're like, hey, let's capitalize on this. If they don't, they should know by now. I mean, with the reviews like that. We have trees full of Christ over here. I hope that other place doesn't change and they're not like, oh, I got to put Christ on the sign.

Got to pay extra for the bigger sign. The extra paint, the extra sign. I mean, come on. All right. I mean, come on. All right. Okay. So I went close to home after that and checked out reviews of the Festival of Lights.

Oh, my God. Cincinnati Zoo. How did I not think of that? I don't know. But it was voted again, the number one light show, zoo light show, I think, in the country. Use promo code beach for something oh i haven't gone in a while but maybe this year our mom and sister just went sent us photos no then i definitely won't go if they have already gone so never mind they love going they'll go again they have a zoo membership well i'll talk to ally okay so this is what samantha has to say about it

we just came from alabama to go to the to the Cincinnati Zoo, which boasted being voted number one zoo. I cannot express my disappointment enough. Not only was it expensive, there were barely any animals out. If there were going to be so many animals hidden away, there could have been a warning of some sort allowing us to make a better decision not to pay $25 per person to see more animal out of habitat signs than actual animals. The only reason I came was to see the polar bear, and the only one I got to see was made of lights. Then when we did make verbal complaints, they only handed a written complaint page. I would not recommend this place to an enemy, so i definitely wouldn't recommend it to a friend end of review holy shit the i think i think the funniest part is that samantha wanted

the zoo to have more warnings that there were not animals like i don't think there's ever in the history of the world been a scenario where people felt the need to put up signs that there were no animals. Warning, yeah. No animals. No dangerous animals. Warning, no dangerous animals nearby. But there was a comment. So this was on Facebook. Oh. So they did not recommend it, is what it's called.

So it doesn't recommend it. Wrote that. Then Rhonda responded. And then Rhonda said, The animals off exhibit cannot handle Ohio's weather, therefore are put away during the winter months. You need to come back in the spring. I also know they announced on Facebook that one of the polar bears is also getting ready to have cubs, so she is off exhibit, I believe.

So, gave a little bit of an explanation trying to defend the zoo. The kindest clapback ever. But, Samantha had a response to that as well. Fuck off, Samantha. This is so stupid. Leave the Samantha. This is so stupid. Leave the animals? This is so stupid. The flamingos cannot be out in the snow.

What are you talking about? Are you sure? Because listen to this. Samantha says, God damn it. I did not even wear a coat during the day. It was not that cold. And this comes from someone from Alabama.

The part that bothered me is if we were only going to be able to see 10% of the animals, it should be on the main page, not once you dig into the website. It mentioned something about the hippo on the main page and nothing else. Just mentioned, by the way, most animals will not be out, so only come if you want to see lights. Then we would have chosen something else to do. I will never be back to the area and just wanted a good experience. First of all, her name's Fiona, so yeah the hippo jesus team fiona um i don't literally her response to the animals being it being too cold for the animals is i'm from alabama and i didn't even wear a coat like that is the most dumb the ignorant most ignorant dumbest thing you

could say what she just is so entitled to see these animals that are going to die if they're brought outside to see her it's like that kid who who demands things that they're like a pony at their birthday and it's like the pony can't hold all these children put a coat on i want to put all the children on the pony and i get what i want. Who's the kid in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Which one? The one who stops around. Mike TV? Violet Beauregard.

Or whoever wants stuff from her dad all the time. Yeah, they all do. I think they're all brats. I don't know. Well, Samantha, I know you said you're not coming back to this area ever again. And we welcome you to not come back ever again. Amen. So does the hippo aka fiona um

but good news yeah doug does recommend cincinnati zoo and botanical ronda and doug are my new favorite people here's what doug has to say yes really enjoyed our visit hope to come back soon your lights were amazing thanks doug oh doug just a nice little i just like that people are like you know what i'm gonna tell them how fun this was yeah i probably saw a notification how are the how was the festival of lights did you enjoy it yes you know what i did let me pause my home alone dvd so i can tell you i had a great time that's precious thank you doug and thank youonna, for standing up for us. Yes, we appreciate you, Ronna. All those animals that are going to die. It is ridiculous.

I don't understand how she does it. That entitlement. She goes, I didn't even wear a coat. Oh, so you're literally shaming the flamingos for not being allowed to be. Like, what are you trying to accomplish? And I love how she throws out a number like 10%. It's like. Yeah, you count it, I'm sure.

And also, I'm pretty sure the reason why they have the Festival of Lights is because that they do that when all the animals are out because there's nothing else not that there's nothing else to do but like provide entertainment and something to enjoy and it's award-winning and best in the country lights light show it's incredible it's a lot of fun that polar bear of lights that's actually a polar bear wrapped in lights yeah you didn't know that that keeps them warm you did see a polar bear you were just. Yeah. You didn't know that? That keeps them warm. You did see a polar bear. You were just too blind in your own ignorance to realize it. Okay. That's not true, guys.

I'm not trying to slander the Cincinnati Zoo. Okay. William Greenberg Desserts in Manhattan. Sell some lovely Hanukkah goodies. I have a one-star review by Kate. Who seems to just, spoiler alert, go all the time, but somehow just hates it. Kate gave William Greenberg desserts one star. I'm only writing this review in the hope that management will take my post seriously and make

some changes. My one-star review will have no impact on your business, nor will it stop me from purchasing for holidays and special occasions for loved ones due to it is the upscale Jewish bakery that they love, parentheses, products. I've been going to this bakery since childhood. I'm a lifelong Upper East Side resident. With that said, I am so sick of the nasty, unwelcoming attitude of the staff. There is an older Latin woman and a young Latin girl who I would fire if they worked for me. They are nasty on the phone, and every time that I step in the door, it is the same thing.

There is no greeting, and they act as if I am bothering them by placing an order or asking questions about products. I always kill them with kindness, and they still maintain their miserable attitudes. I always want to say, you do work here, correct? Get a job somewhere else if you're that miserable. I was in a few weeks ago and was ready to completely lose it because of the too miserable puss look on the girl. Afformentioned, waiting on me me she was so awful that two women

behind me online also chimed in she was selling me cookies that were imperfect i had to ask her to get a new tray of the black and white cookies as there were only five left on the tray on display and they were not aesthetically pleasing to me she just just stood, rolled her eyes, and insisted that they were not tiny and the icing had been broken off in areas. I stupidly let her know that I was buying them as a thank you gift for my doctor. This is so bizarre. What is going on?

This is the least amount of problems in a one-star review. This is just so much noise. Just noise. As a thank you gift for my doctor. Why? Why did I have to say they were a gift? This is when the other women in line chimed in. Reluctantly, with the puss on her face, she did get another tray.

God. I've never heard that phrase before. But now I've heard it way too many times. The horrible attitude continued. Then it was time to pay. My purchase of cookies and cupcakes totaled $86. The items were placed in the cheap white supermarket bags that also did not have enough support to prevent cupcakes from becoming a big mess. I very nicely asked for the red bag and explained why. She replied they were only for cakes. I stupidly once again replied that I would pay for the two bags.

She replied they were $5 each. Come on now. The line had gotten longer. All were supporting my cause. Did we just like go from zero to a revolution? I'm pretty sure they just wanted to buy their pastries so the line has gotten long because you will not buy your shit and yeah the line had gotten longer all were supporting my cause i can't get over that line all were supporting my cause my cause i don't even understand what the cause is.

Self-righteous. Okay. The line had gotten longer. The line had gotten longer. All were supporting my cause. Total insanity. I proceeded to point at a cake and ask the price. So trying to instill common sense, I replied that I could buy a $40 cake and get the bag for free,

yet my $86 cupcake purchase did not qualify. I stood my ground on this obvious principle. The woman behind me was visiting from California and had been told to make their black and white cookies part of her visit. After witnessing how horribly I was treated, she very loudly said, Blank this! Their cookies can't be that good.

This is a bunch of BS. So right was she. It was BS. And as a lifelong Manhattanite and customer, I am yet to understand the fondness for their cookies. I have had much better. As I stated, my review will have no impact on this business, but whomever is responsible for training slash customer service should make a strict policy regarding customer service skills. You know, just as strict as your ridiculous bag policy. Wish I did not have so many New York Jewish friends and family who think the baked goods are great because I would never step foot in the place again. As a footnote, I believe many of them think the goods are great because that's all they really know. Hope someone listens.

Just observe your staff and you'll see that I'm correct. Trust me. I have far better things to do on a summer Friday than spend my time writing this review. End of review. Then don't write it. No one wants it. No one needs it. Then don't go there anymore.

Stop. I know it's the place to go, but if you hate it so much, just keep that red bag they finally gave you and just pretend all your future purchases are from there. Yes. That's an easy solution. Good point. Fake your own, maybe.

Anyway, so there's that. Fake your own. Well, there was that. Thank you for that. Oh, God. What a puss on her face. Oh, I hate that. Yeah, terrible.

I hate that. Okay okay my next one is a polar express train ride in miami florida oh hell yeah um and it's a train ride where you go with your kids and you they do a whole polar express thing who'd have thought they're actually seen or read it so don't know anything about it but they're what the polar express on reddit i've never read it oh you've never read it me Oh, you've never read it. Me neither. No. Apparently Tom Hanks directed the movie. I don't know.

Maybe I made that up. Probably. Here is a review by Jeremy. One star. Horrific. If you can't bring yourself to tell your kids that Santa isn't real, take them down to Miami and let them hop aboard a train that goes back and forth

in front of the prison until it arrives at its destination to see full-size elves playing patty cake in a shoddy North Pole where it's 80 degrees. Two chefs on the car sing off-tune and out of rhythm, but you have to respect their effort. All for less than $50 per person. But hey, Santa looked real and was kind. End of review. What? Then what do you want? He doesn't like that the train goes back and forth.

I don't like it either. Very popular review. I'm honestly motion sick. It's going back and forth. It's not going anywhere. Well, where do you want to go? The North Pole? It's not going anywhere. Of course it's not going to the North Pole.

I'm nauseous. Would it be better if it's just in circles? Probably, actually. I'm not going anywhere. Of course it's not going to the North Pole. I'm nauseous. Would it be better if it's just in circles? Probably, actually. I'm not going to lie. Oh my, at least Santa was good. Yeah. I guess. You're supposed to go and then there are people on the train entertaining you.

And you can look out the windows and they're frosted over. But you can see Santa and the North Pole. I do love that they frost them over so you can't really see it. Well, someone did say we couldn couldn't see anything outside these windows. There was donut frosting all over. Well, actually, this is very fitting because the next review I have is also about Santa. It's actually about Santa Land in New York City. And I have a photo to show you at the end of this.

This is a one star review by Tara. Warning, this experience will ruin christmas this is the first review i have ever written because i feel compelled to spare some other unknowing guests this awful experience besides the fact that although having a reservation on a tuesday midday my family eight-year-old and 4-year-old, still waited two hours. I know, I know, it's Christmas time in New York City. I expected to wait, but not in a tiny red hallway getting jammed in by elves and contracting God knows what from them. Wait.

Wait, what did I miss here? I don't know. How did we get to that? You know, elves like koalas are famous for having chlamydia. Excuse me. Yes, in a tiny red hallway getting jammed in by elves and probably contracting God knows what from them for two hours. Had I known at the beginning how long it would take, we would have left. But carry on we did.

Santaland, once you actually get in, is a joke. Everything seems old and just gross. I didn't want my kids to touch anything. I am attaching a photo of the Santa we finally did see. Go ahead. Zoom in. I did. Don't mind if I do.

I did. I need to write no more on that. Seriously, Macy's? This was the best Santa you could get? Had my children not had a really incredible experience elsewhere, this Macy's Santa would have ruined Christmas for my children. I'd never get them to believe after this. My eight-year-old gasped when she saw Santa.

Poor Santa. I know, it's really sad. But once you see the photo photo i think maybe you'll understand my eight-year-old oh god my eight-year-old gasped when she saw santa and said and said omg this is the fakest santa i have ever seen my four-year-old then wondered why kids were going into different rooms with so many different santas ew what is that what is this setup i'm like really trying to picture this between the elves there's like infected elves.

Apparently there's different rooms and they have Santas in them so that they can spread the lines out, which is just like ruins the point of seeing Santa. Where is this? Santaland. I think it's. But like, do you know what city? Oh, Manhattan, I think. Oh, it's. So, I mean, OK. It's in New York.

So many people. And I'm pretty sure it's sponsored by Macy's which is like why yeah my four-year-old wondered why kids were going to different rooms with different santas so unless you want to ruin the christmas magic for your children do not come here end of review i need this picture in my life what if i wish we could post it somewhere i'm texting it to you i'm gonna post on it on patreon how about that i'd like to explain that like the photo if you literally look at it zoom in it looks like like a 25 year old guy like a 25 year old guy where they just glued on his eyebrows i love how the kid's face is covered and what is with those reindeer in the background the

one on the left is a little it's's trying to get away. Oh, yeah. Also, it looks like Santa has horns grown out of his head. Look at that. This is a strange. I think those are two jingle bells. Oh, I see. Yeah. So anyway, it honestly, people were like, the guy was like 25 years old.

And that's hilarious. There were several photos of him, which I think is really funny that people in line were like zooming in to take photos of Santa. He looks alarmed. He's like, you caught me. Yeah, he does. He looks like he's in a mugshot. But he does look like he's in his 20s.

It's really unsettling. It's honestly very unsettling because it looks like a young man dressing as an old man. Accurate. And holding children. Which I guess the whole concept in and of itself is unsettling to begin with. But that's a story for another day. Okay, we had to pause because another story for another day okay we've we had to pause because there are children screaming but we've decided to post a picture

on patreon so if you're on patreon you'll see it because i don't want to publicly post it just in case yeah but we'll post in the patreon i mean you definitely can't tell who they are it's literally someone dressed as santa but i can tell this is definitely worth the $2 that it costs to be on our Patreon. Yeah, that's right. Patreon.com slash what is it? Beach Too Sandy. Okay. There it is. Yeah.

And also, I'm soon, well, actually before this, hopefully, this episode releases, I'm going to be posting a picture of how cold it is. Oh, that's right. A picture of how cold it was when we were recording. Negative 72. Negative 72 was, I think, the final temperature. it is oh that's right a picture of how cold it was when we were recording negative 72 negative 72 was i think the final temperature anyway let's move on please here is a review of afikoman judaica um and it's a i said it as if there's more words after that you did i was waiting i

was just trying to get through the words um no it is a bookstore I said it as if there's more words after that. You did. I was waiting. I was just trying to get through the words. No, it is a bookstore slash they sell gifts and jewelry. It's a Jewish, like Jewish store. So here's Marla and it's in Berkeley, California. Okay. Here's Marla's review. One star. I've been looking for Hanukkah books for my kids.

So I have been recently reminded of my dislike for the store. Four years ago, I dislike for this store. Four years ago, I walked into this store approximately 38 weeks pregnant, and the owner told me I looked like a dreidel. What? Oh my god, I almost peed my pants. Okay. I thought it was such a rude thing to say that I've never gone back. I would suggest not commenting on your customer's appearance, particularly if you want to compare a woman to a top. Can you spin around for me, honey?

Can you just spin around? So bad. Here is what the owner has to say. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Dear Marla, I am so sorry that I commented on your appearance four years ago. I am also sorry that you have been harboring these painful feelings for so long.

I would like to invite you back to the store as we have many books and other items for you and your family. Wishing you all the best going forward. Now that that child is out of your body, I bet she don't look anything like a dreidel. Uxiner, I cannot believe this person literally said, oh, sorry about that. Literally owned up to it, though, which is kind of impressive owned up to it but was like oh my b anyway you should come back and buy more shit for a lot of times though they'll say like we'll look into this right away like this does not sound like anyone that works here that would ever say something like please contact us in another form but this time he's like yeah i

remember you you look like i mean i'm sorry I called you a dreidel, no matter what you looked like. I wonder if he read that and went, oh, yeah. Oh, dreidel lady. I mean, Marla. That poor child that was in her womb is probably like traumatized. You know how they say like when you're pregnant and traumatic things happen? That kid was spinning in its womb, that's for sure. Imprinted with such trauma.

Oh, my. That's really terrible. Don't call people a dreidel i do not approve of that one time somebody called me pregnant and i was asked how far along i was and i was not pregnant and it was at a wedding and i was in a dress it was like the worst fucking feeling that's i can't imagine i like just went to my hotel room and cried that is like the number one thing like you just don't do i just looked at her like like what and she kept saying she kept saying it and i was like i don't understand the question it was a horror it was honestly horrible i couldn't imagine i but so just like don't comment on people's appearance

please like even if you're trying to be nice just don't do it please okay um this is a review of oh sorry okay interestingly enough this is a review of elmo, sorry. Okay, interestingly enough, this is a review of Elmo's Little Dreidel. Very interesting. A children's book. One star by Amazon customer. Okay, you know it's bad when they don't put their name on it. I know, and no photo. Amazon customer verified purchase gave Elmo's Little Dreidel one star.

What a stupid story. And a review. It's actually kind of funny. I know. Never mind. What a stupid story it's actually kind of funny i know never mind what a stupid story it's so cruel what are you doing it's literally elmo and his dreidel like it seems precious my 38 year old child didn't like this what is it from the pd eastman like when i was a child i hated this book so i bought it again yeah now i understand why the author is projecting clearly onto alamo it is precious they also had like a grover's or like grover's menorah it was really cute anyway oh wait i have one more review from of that book oh yeah i'm just gonna throw it in here throw it in there i don't know whether to read or

not i might as well one star one star by miriam i'm waiting to give this as a gift to my grandchildren on hanukkah looks like a lot of fun one star why i don't know miriam miriam might not know what she's doing anyway i hope your kids like it miriam even if you don't i hope so well in true uh bad boy of podcasting holiday fashion i found some app reviews oh my god i always forget i always forget about this until you get like hinted at it i'm like oh i'm i'm just doing my thing later like at the end i'm gonna do some of these things and you're like what are you talking about like oh you'll find out i'm finding out right now and i was like and you're gonna hate it i know i love. I hate it and I love it. Well, here is my first.

It is of Elf Yourself. Oh, hell yes. You know those? Yeah, I know you've done. Renee and I would put Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump in them. For those who don't know, you can put your face on an elf that dances. Or like multiple faces. It's a whole thing. For whatever reason, when we were were 16 it was one of the

only things that we did with our free time during the holiday very accurate um this is a one-star review by mila titled someone is watching you oh goodness i was on elf yourself and i was making elves out of my family and as i played one of the songs that were for free, I was watching the video and saw my little sister have a glitch on her face. When I saved the video to my camera roll, I played it and stopped the video at the right moment and was terrified for what I had saw. It was a man's face on my sister's face. That was the glitch I saw.

I had a feeling someone was watching me through my camera or hacking me whoever created this app is most likely responsible for this and is rather watching you or someone is hacking and watching us be careful guys if i could rate it zero stars i would end of review oh my god she literally thinks that this is a man on the other end of the camera watching her make elf yourselves. Yes. Out of her family. Yes, specifically the creator of the app.

And the way that it works is that the camera plants itself in the face of one of the elves and dances around. For God's sake. It's bizarre. And then the developer did respond. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but basically said, that is not a function that is possible with our app. We are not doing anything like that. Also, nice credenza. I mean, I didn't see anything.

I feel like. Of all things to pick. I don't know. I picked. You're thinking Dr. Seuss stuff, right? I was thinking Dr. Seuss. Thank you. The credenza so um i was also going to say that i think probably what

happened which i think is pretty obvious is that whoever the dancing elf was it was a real person and probably the the original dancer yeah like the face didn't get blurred out for that point that frame or something yeah or somebody else has got transposed over it i don't know or you got you thought you saw your your some crazy thing and just freaked out and then whatever. A man's face was on top of my sister's face. Yeah, I'm so sorry for that. I hope you screenshot that, though. That would be pretty fun to give your sister.

I wish there was a photo of it. I do, too. But there is not. Okay. It's just wild. All right. I have one of fantasy lights spanaway lake i don't know what that is okay like a like a light it is like a light show yeah okay this is by cool c oh you'll see how you wrote it yeah cool i'm chrissy cool chrissy Kiwi. Chrissy Kiwi. Okay, Cool C says, one star. The word is Christmas.

That is Christ in the word, whether you like it or not. The lights are nice to view, but I did not see a single tribute to the birth of Christ Jesus. There was a giant rainbow. I'm not really sure of your intentions there. What were they? There were Santas, snowmen, penguins, and others. Excuse me? Why? There's a rainbow out in her. But what does that mean?

What are your intentions? There are two possible things. LGBT awareness or Noah's Ark. Oh, Noah's Ark. Oh, I was thinking rainbows are pretty. Wasn't there a rainbow or was that just made up? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

But what the fuck? Well, I just like some people wrote this isn't very Christmassy because they have like UFOs and like. Oh, OK. Whoa, okay. Well, now you got my attention. And then the owner responded, we have no UFOs. What did you see? No, so apparently it's like people, individuals put on their own displays. And so some people do an alien display or some people do like...

Is this like on a street? I think so. It's like one of those? It's like you drive through it, I think. What the fuck fuck then shut up there's like an elvis display you know um cool see shut up cool see and so uh i think that's what happened and so some of them were like i was like i understand if you're like it's not very christmasy sure it is christmas lights but that's besides the point but so then this guy like saying there's santa snowmen penguins literally things that you think of.

But no birth of Christ, which I don't want to see that depicted in lights. Thank you very much. That's yeah, that's foul. Here's Mary's womb. All lit up in pretty colors. Nope. Whoop. Okay.

Thank God the political correctopolis showed up. That's insane. Get this out of here. This guy literally wants to push his religion on other people so i don't know i don't know who's better here i do know it's not it's not you cool c cool c okay um my next app i hope it's a christmas countdown that didn't get updated i went through one it had so many reviews like it was really popular and it was were complaining. They were like, oh my god, it's the wrong day. And the developer tried responding a couple of times and said, well, actually, it's like midnight, the night of the 24th, the morning of the 25th. So that's why it might seem odd that it says only a couple days away. But there are so many reviews that he couldn't respond to all of them. so many people raging about what is he gonna do 8 a.m on christmas but people literally said they literally said like

oh i wrapped my gifts already because i checked the countdown i was too lazy to uh check the actual calendar and now i'm mad because i did it way too early okay first of all it's not even a problem. Exactly. You should be thanking him. And they said it was off by a day. God, for God's sake. There were so many dumb complaints that I'm like, you know what? I'm just moving on. I didn't want to look at the calendar, so I downloaded an app. Yeah.

Literally, that's what people were doing. And they were mad that it was off. But it wasn't off. It was just at midnight. Okay. People are exhausting. Anyway. So, I did not use any of those because it was frustrating me and i went read way too many and there weren't any funny ones people

were just dumb so here is uh another app it's called the impossible test christmas and it's a holiday game and it's meant to be one of those like impossible things i think it's like a weird knockoff not like the impossible quiz or whatever this is like my teenagehood all coming i didn't have much of a life but addicting games.com or something i didn't drink beer have friends bombs world instead i just played video internet computer games so um this is one of those games that's supposed to be really hard and like you have to like make it snow apparently and no one could figure it out so a lot of the one-star reviews were like this game is too hard it says says make it snow, but it's impossible. Literally titled The Impossible Test.

What if it just is impossible? They just don't give you the option. Yeah. So reviews weren't great. But here is one by Blueberry Rice and the Gummy. One star titled Ugh. This game has a glitch and I broke my finger due to this and i'm suing end of review i did not i chose i chose not to play after reading that one shit you chose not to i chose

not to the other ones were tempting where people were like oh this is impossible it's so hard i'm like how hard can it be but then i was like i'm not even gonna bother yeah you end up at blaze's emergency room yeah can you imagine if someone showed up at the emergency room like, I was trying to make it snow. It's a whole thing. Don't worry about it. It's impossible. Maybe that's the only way to do it. Break your own finger and then it'll start to snow.

That's interesting. Did you figure out how to make it snow? No. I'm so curious. No, I don't. I know. That was the thing. My curiosity almost got the best of me.

And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to buy. Guys, if you do it, don't sue us. Because we told you you could break your finger. Sign a waiver or something. Make up your own waiver and sign it. Okay. I'm back to my old habits.

This is a review of Love Actually on DVD. Nice. This is one star by Minab. More like Loathe actually loathe actually should be the actual name of this crap of a movie this is the second time i tried to watch it i feel like i want to punch someone in the face after viewing this utter garbage of a movie richard curtis should Oh my god. I'm uncomfortable. My dad's terrible. That got aggressive. Yeah, yeah, a little violent.

Richard Curtis should be publicly shot for making this movie. I really tried to watch because I have family and friends say they love this movie. If you are a completely shallow, insipid human being, which I can only mean, parentheses, like all my friends and family. Yes. If you are a completely shallow, insipid human being and love every single rom-com cliche in a movie, then this is the movie for you. Starting with a reference to 9-11, the anti-Americanism doesn't stop there. Let's see gratuitous porn thrown in for absolutely no reason. The older American women who can't go out with

a man because of her mentally ill brother. The little kid just lost his mom, but no, that's not what depresses him. It's actually that he's in love with a classmate. I never disliked Hugh Grant and Colin Firth so much as in this movie. And I love them, usually! Do not waste your time. You only have

one life, and you may shorten it by watching this poop of a movie. Wow. What a way with words. What a way with words. That just upset me. That's very... I was like, where is this going? Hostile.

And then I was like, anti-American? I'm like, wait, wait, wait. I didn't really understand a lot of it. Aren't both Hugh Grant and Colin Firth not American? Well, that's why they're saying it's anti-American. But he loves them. But this reviewer normally loves Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Uh-huh.

So stupid. I don't know. I just like, oh, she has a mentally ill brother, so she can't go outside. It's like, that's what you're upset about? This is just why. I have my own issues with this movie. Yeah like this is not them no okay loathe actually i do love when people do that i love that they mentioned it three times it was also this title of the review so it was three times mentioned loathe actually in the first two sentences and um a little too much they were

really proud of that one uh so i'm going to read a review of an app called Kwanzaa. Hell yeah. And here's what it's about. Celebrate the principles of Kwanzaa poetically through daily affirmations. That's nice. And it talks about the seven daily principles of Kwanzaa. Do you know what they are? I don't.

I'm going to read their translations. Thank you. Unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. Wait, I love those. And then it says, no matter your cultural background, this app will prove to be a tool for self-improvement and the emotional stimulus we all need. How have I not learned enough about Kwanzaa in my lifetime? Oh, right.

I went to Catholic school. Here's a review by Doom. One star. Great. I'm sure Doom has something fucking important to say. I thought the holidays were for everyone.

Happy Festivus, y'all. End of review. What? Oh. Don't look at me. I don't know. Festivus is at, like, Seinfeld, right?

Yeah. Didn't even spell it right, either. Idiot. Yeah, idiot. Idiot. Doom. Doom, indeed indeed i thought the holidays were for everyone then what are you trying to say exactly they're only for people who celebrate kwanzaa what are you talking about and it's literally that's why i read in the description the part that said oh this is for everyone woof okay big woof it did not depict once the birth of our christ jesus okay i have one more review of love actually on dvd is that a is that a redemption it's not okay

good i do redemption afterward but not of love actually i want to end on the redemption because i don't have any more all the five stars of love actually were creepy no we're like oh my god this is the best movie ever oh yeah like not very thrilling sounds like you okay yeah but it probably does all right one star by sideliner of love actually this has been advertised as a classic christmas movie we sat down to watch with our teenage grandchild i ignored the r rating thinking it must be incorrect what is wrong with people that's like the people who listen to our show and go you said the f word on this family show and we're like it says explicit i happen to be on like my favorite murders um reviews don't ask me okay and there was one and it was just like you guys f this f that oh yeah and i'm

like well yeah our shows have that or and that's why you drink i'm like i cannot like we're talking about murderers and that review was from like a week ago i forgot do you not know like about the like what it's called my favorite murder it's literally about murderers i want my kids to listen to all of this exactly and like you say the f word ours is and that's why we drink and i'm like there's a wine glass on the logo and people are like i thought this was family friendly and i'm like what in the world are you mad about okay sorry not to anyway get on my high horse but they ignored the r rating because it had to be wrong not even because i thought we could handle it but yeah it was probably incorrect that's so stupid it was not

it is a piece of trash full of the most vile cursing i have ever heard it is also full of soft porn showing naked adults acting out real copulation i turned it off and threw it in the garbage where it belongs. I am not a prude, by the way, but was much embarrassed to have played a part of it for my relatives. Amazon should move it to their adults only movie selection. What? How do you know that that exists? First of all.

Very good. Because they are not a prude. It's okay. You are a definition of a prude. If you're complaining about one of the comments was just like, you are a prude.'s okay you are a definition of a prude if you're complaining about one of the comments was just like you are a prude that's hilarious but i mean come on i don't get the whole obsession over that also it's a teenager and it's not actual porn like it's rated r i mean truly that's what it's that's what the ratings are there for exactly jesus christ also um there's a response so one said you are approved and then the next one said this is a response from terry that i'm

just gonna read we just had the exact same experience awful watched it with young kids and completely caught off guard by all those porn scenes not to mention my embarrassment that some neighbor would see us watching it through our window, especially now that we have a huge TV set. Fucking brag. That's so obnoxious. And you know what that means? Everything they watch on TV, they like, are expecting their neighbors to see what they're watching.

They probably think about that every time they turn the TV on. And do you know why that is? Because they probably watch whatever their neighbors are neighbors yes and they know they know exactly where the line of sight is yep such a peeping terry people are fucking weird ma'am i tell you what i just i i think about the stuff like that but only because of my crazy anxiety and it's usually very unfounded and it's so that people can see you and it's not in a way to brag and oh sure weird show off anyway it's just because that giant tv set and weird show-off-y way. It's just because of that giant TV set you bought. It's just because of that giant TV set. What a strange thing to add to it.

And the way I work out, you know, without, like, just my underwear and, like, pumping iron. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Horrible. I really hope no one sees me. I just shift myself toward the window just ever so slightly when the sun hits a certain direction. The problem is one of the workouts requires me to be halfway out the window.

So it's just this whole thing. I digress. That's so ridiculous. Okay. I'm going to read my last app reviews and then we'll finish off with your redemption. I'm excited. So I have two reviews to read of the app Message from Santa. Oh, fun.

It has 35,000 ratings, 4.8 stars. It's for ages four up. It's very like, it's like, it seems kind of nice. There's a guy playing Santa Claus and you put in your child's name and he gives a little personalized message. If that name is in their like database gives a personalized message and then you can ask santa questions and it's kind of like a video chat thing wait that's precious but it's like a bot so like you but apparently it works some people said five stars like this is so cool my child actually felt like they were

talking to santa it's really cute but some people didn't like it so much. Here is a review called Disappoint One Star. Okay. I thought that this app would be fun, but no, this game is the death of all humans. This game was so fun at first, but all the commercials came and Santa looks so bad. And you have to put in your kid's name

and the year that they were born. End of review. What? And that equals a death of humans? Death of all humans. Oh, dear God. And not too dramatic. It was just kind of normal.

Every time one of those, like, you should buy a Surface, a Microsoft Surface comes on, he's like, this is the death of all humans. Oh, my God. Yeah, people did say like what is society coming to about the ads and stuff and i'm like whoa chill um i just like also you probably put the the year they were born to like say how old they are right yeah i mean it's

supposed to be very personalized yeah yeah oh for god's sake, so this one is titled Scary. One star. So we were texting Santa and we said, are you at the North Pole? And he said, I can see you. And we said, we are deleting the app to Santa. And he said, wait, don't do. We deleted it. Never get it. End of review.

The developer responded and said, Santa's not supposed to say those things. Wait, really? He's not supposed to say, I see you? And then he then he said so here's let me read the whole developer response santa is not supposed to say those things santa is going to review his text messages and make sure his answers make more sense next time oh my god i see you so it doesn't necessarily say that it's impossible that Santa said it. It's just that maybe Santa went rogue. He did completely go rogue. That's what I was imagining. He showed up at their window.

They had a giant TV set here, so he came all the way. You're watching soft porn copulation. Oh my god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I took too far. Okay. We definitely need a redemption now. Okay, well, I a redemption to save us save us from this um holiday disaster this is a review um of hanukkah menorah christmas

inflatable plastic it is like a yard decoration oh and it's a redemption i'm excited yeah this is a review by s five stars ordered a hanukkah menorah inflatable box was labeled as the item i ordered but when i opened it i found an inflatable firehouse dalmatian there's a picture of it company contacted me and offered to ship the right item right away very pleased with how they worked to solve any issue the company did ship the right box only actual issue was what was packed in the box was something else however if you do want an inflatable christmas firehouse dog it sits 36 inches high and 24 inches wide end of review that was so nice they measured it oh my god because it came with the right box but it was the wrong thing so they

literally inflated it and measured it. That's so cute. And the picture is of the inflatable, like fully inflated. So do you think they pulled it out and went, this doesn't look like a menorah, but... Let's test it out. Maybe it'll shapeshift as we inflate it. I've never seen a menorah with whiskers, but here goes nothing. That is so nice.

I know. Five star reviews where something went wrong exactly best yeah so anyway that was funny that makes me it actually uh yeah it said i found a dalmatian in the box and i was like what the fuck inflatable inflatable is an important keyword that is very important um very precious anyway so that's my redemption for the season i think that's a good ending to this season reason for the dalmatian is the reason for the season. Ending to a decade. A decade of Beach 2 Sandy.

Yeah, what a weird way to end it. Sorry, everybody. No, it's a good one. Shall we say the theme? I think so. Okay. I've got a theme for us. Great.

And it comes courtesy of a $30 patron, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah. Sarah wants us to do arcades in Nashville, Tennessee. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited, too. That sounds fun. I think that is going to be a good place. We looked into it, and there are a lot of barcades.

We like to make sure that there are a lot of things, and there are a ton in Nashville. Because I guess Nashville is very hipster, so barcades are huge there. I know people have problems with it. Of course they do. You just know it. Of course they do. I'm excited. I am, too. Thank you, Sarah. with it you just know it of course they do uh i'm excited i am too thank you sarah um so i

yesterday alexander and i hosted our live stream for patrons um and we had two pages like their names were page two page one and page two and you threw me off there again when you started saying two pages i know it's confusing yeah oh yeah if you guys could maybe change your name a little bit so it doesn't get so confusing. So both pages actually emailed us, but the one... But one? Wait, what are you about to say? Are you saying one doesn't matter as much?

No, I didn't. So you're only going to read the email of one? No. Just curious. Sorry. I haven't read the other one, but I have read one of them because it was one that I requested the email. So I was already primed to look for this email.

Because Paige asked an important question. What's the best way to send challenges? That's right. And we said the best way is just to send it to our email with the word challenge somewhere in there because... Then we can search for it. Yes. So Paige sent a challenge that I actually really like. It is a negative review of a kitchen product where a person complains that the item

will not do something that it isn't advertised to do and i love that i think that can be really fun as someone who has ripped out my friend's hair accidentally with a hand mixer um there's a lot that can go wrong with kitchen appliances that is dramatic yes it was dramatic so thank you page for sending that in um sorry other page that i have not gotten to your email yet i promise i will uh and if you guys want to join us on our next live stream hit up our patreon yeah we have a good time yeah we've got um just for two bucks a month you can uh hang out with us on patreon live every month we're gonna post uh we're trying to post more stuff that's one of our resolutions we're gonna try to be more i don't know more active this decade's gonna be oh it's gonna be crazy

crazy yeah but um we're gonna start with that picture of of recording bundled up and then we're gonna also have that picture on there of uh young santa young santa so get on there guys two bucks and then if you do five dollars that's how you get a download of our theme song. That's right. Some people, a lot people ask. Yeah. So anyway, thanks for listening. Thank you, everyone, for listening to this for the whole decade.

We'll see you on the new year, day one of the new year. Day one of the new year. Can't wait. And in the meantime. Can we make a mashup of that with the theme song someone out there gets get working christmas day i want to give them a clean Bye.