Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS

Episode Date: January 22, 2020

Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak 'n Shakes from Ashley. We welcome everyone (other than knife salespeople) to another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet  Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome! Hi everyone, we're back! We're back! This is Beachy Sandy Water Too Wet, now with an international flair. That's me.

Alexander went to Indonesia. It was something. It was crazy. It was cool. It was something crazy cool. Yeah. Okay. I don't know what to say about it. Any five? Would you rate it five stars out of five?

I would. Fantastic. They had some great food. I ate coconut flour. Do you know there's a coconut flour? As in F-L-O-W-E-R. Okay, I was wondering which direction we were going with that. Coconut flour?

No. It was very good. Have you heard of mangosteen? I have, but I don't know what it is favorite fruit ever no i had can you buy it probably in la i'm sure you could find it i don't know maybe i've never seen it i'm sure we'll find it in the hipster probably probably not it's probably only in indonesia i will say um shut up i will say there is one thing that i'm pretty disappointed about tell me um and it is that nobody ever explained to us whether Friends with Ellen was true or not.

It must mean that it is the right phrase. I think it is. I'm going to keep saying it. Yeah. 400 people are having anxiety attacks right now. Guys, thank you for correcting us. We've received more corrections than ever, I think, on this. It's a record. It's a new record for sure. it is a new record and they're gonna keep coming in friends

with dorothy yep i mean i'm still getting corrected for the whole all claire thing uh-huh yes so this will never end this one unfortunately they're tagging me in it too so i can't avoid it well you didn't correct me you said it sounds right you said it sounds at least familiar i did some digging because some people were a little rude about it oh really which i understand to ignore if i saw the word dorothy or ellen in a tweet or a message i turned off my phone i'm like i'm on vacation i can't is that why you haven't been talking to our stepmom in like weeks yes okay um all her tweets at you uh yeah guys sorry we figured it out i i have heard that before because of wizard of oz fittingly we were doing a kansas episode which that fit pretty well um i

wish we could say we were i had known right the right one right same and um actually i did some digging and there was and somebody actually emailed about it too um friends with ellen was a thing people said in the 90s too thank you so uh even if it was just a small are we sure this isn't a mandela effect kind of thing maybe it is oh my god what if we just said what if we just blamed the mandela effect and said everyone else is wrong um someone called us breeders so that was good uh i just want to say, we know now, we do, I promise you. But thank you for letting us know. I felt like a big dope. This is almost as bad as the Quinceañera debacle.

Yeah, that was really, I mean, at least that was brief. We haven't heard about that in ages. Correct, that was brief. This one will never die. This one will never die. This is bad. It's one way to get engagement though okay i'm sorry i do understand and it's it's a has a very i read the entire wikipedia article

so if you are interested in some cool lgbt history look it up because it is a wild tale okay i should i didn't read it of course not i was like people are coming at me about this i'm gonna turn off i'm on I was on fucking vacation. You were eating coconut flowers. Eating coconut flowers. It has to do with persecution of LGBT individuals, believe it or not. Well, I'll have to read it now that we've revisited it and I've conquered my fear of it. I will.

Of LGBT issues? No, the fear of the corrections and everything i was like that's not a funny joke okay oh god i get it i'll i'll read about it okay anyway anyway what's our episode our episode this week was uh oops i opened the wrong podcast notes our episode this week was casinos in biloxi, Mississippi as sent in by Melissa. And what was our challenge? Your challenge. My challenge was to, this was written in slash inspired by Laura. And this was for me to find a review of a product based on the commercial.

Fun. That was really difficult. Oh, really? Okay. Extremely difficult. You didn't just look at like Slap Chop on Amazon but the thing is oxyclean everybody saw the commercial and then bought it oh yeah like i mean i found some but it was really difficult also typing in commercial also brings up any sort of commercial air fryer commercial appliance didn't think of that i don't

know why air fryer was the first thing i thought of anyway okay well we'll get to that all right i think you have more than me so why don't you go first okay my first one is from the hard rock hotel and casino by tasha one star played over 400 and they took it all nice Nice casino, great employees, but this place will rob you. End of review. That's mine now. How sad is that? The person at the roulette table is like,

give me that because you're playing roulette. What do you think? You go in, you gamble $400 away and you blame the casino? But not even like, ironically, just like, no, they took it away where did it go do you think what do they think was gonna happen to their 400 i have no idea okay my turn yes okay this is a review of scarlet pearl casino and resort sorry to bring the p word

a good pearl back into this this is a one-star review by George. On a scale of one to five, this is the gayest casino of all time. George is not friends with Dorothy. Oh my god. To get specific, they escorted me to my room for saying a potty word. I'm shocked that this guy would say a bad word and use any sort of like yeah oh my god a potty word something to get specific they escorted me to my room for saying a potty word a word commonplace at every casino and bar on planet earth and yet we he's not gonna tell us what it is it's like that person would a personal item and refuse to let us know that it was a bottle of Patron.

If you can't write it out, then you're the problem. He's like, if I write it out, people on the internet won't agree with me. So I'm just not going to write it out. They continue to enforce ludicrous standards for the duration of my stay. The people will speak and they will go to one of the many competing casinos in the area, which is solid consolation. Parentheses. Only to me. The casino will lose thousands of dollars.

End of review. Wow. Thousands. The casino will lose thousands. Can you believe it? No, I don't know how they're going to stay open. Because George and his friend. George's thousands of dollars.

Oh, sad. But he says it's not just him, Alexander. He says the people. The people will speak. Is thatlexander he says the people will speak is that what he says the people will speak and they will go to the competing casino he's talking about a revolution they will speak one big potty word yeah oh my god the gayest because like what as you're are you in seventh grade like you're using that as an insult i because i thought we were gonna use the phrase potty mouth and i'm like, oh, wow, we're even like younger than seventh grade.

That's true. We're in third grade. Yeah. George, maybe this is a child. That's probably the problem. No wonder they escorted him out. Okay. All right.

My next one is of the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino by Marth's One Star. Filthy. Currently turds floating in pool. Employees walking by laughing. Not a nice or even marginally decent now never again end of review oh oh no ew it didn't spell turds right they spell it t-e-r-d-s close i guess um yeah cool this isn't really appealing thank you yeah much of a making fun of this person it's more of like a oh that's kind of a do you what do you really think the employees were laughing because i feel like that would not be funny if i had worked there walking by

pointing laughing instead of dealing with it well because they're the ones who have to clean it, I presume. Oh, yeah. Okay. I have another review of Scarlet Pearl Casino and Resort by Monique One Star. Came to enjoy dinner with my friend. Had very high expectations for this place. I couldn't believe my eyes when I walked in the buffet with all the food all over the floor. All of it?

Yes. All of it. Was there an earthquake? All the food all over the floor. And the food was actually mashed in the floor. Okay. So first an earthquake. Then what's the excuse for the mash in the floor rock slide

i guess a lot of natural disasters like they had not sweeped the floor all day don't know if you could sweep around customers or not but you should invest in a sweeper i went to seat down and had to wipe the crumbs off my seat just to seat down. I'm sorry. I'm just not even funny. Okay. The food was cold. I didn't even go back for seconds, nor did I finish off the floor.

You picked it up off the floor? What are you doing? It was mash it to scrape it off the floor with a butter knife. The food was cold. I didn't even go back for seconds, nor did I finish the first plate because the food was cold and the flies was attacking me the whole time. God, what is this world this person lives in? She walked into a dumpster. Saw the floor.

And it's so, so cold. She might have been in the Hard Rock Hotel pool. Oh my God, ew. I don't know. Oh my God. Had employees standing towards the back waiting for dishes and they could have been sweeping this place. Horrible visit. Probably won't never come back.

End of review. Oh my god. Oh, that got me good. I'm surprised they survived, to be honest. Long enough to write a review. That's true. I don't know how much longer they have after eating all the food off the floor. Probably not much longer.

I love that it was all mashed into all of it. Then there were just crumbs on the seat. Like that wasn't even an exaggeration. That was just crumbs instead of like big chunks of food. Whole potatoes on my seat. Sweeper. Okay, so here's another one of Hard Rock Hotel by DCG. One star.

If I could vote negative five stars, I would. I try and go get some food and they say, Miners can't be past this area after 11 p.m. Keep in mind, it's 1 a.m. What am I supposed to do? Starve? I guess so. I demand a fix.

Fix it, Hard Rock. Fix it. End of review. I demand a fix. Fix it, hard rock. Fix it. End of review. I don't even know. Keep in mind it's one in the morning. What does that have to do with anything? It's like, I can't be there after 11, but it's 1 a.m.

How truly, this person hasn't even learned to read a clock. They truly are in the third grade. Why do you need to eat at 1 a.m.? You're not going to starve at 1. If it's 1 a.m., that's going to starve at one if it's 1 a.m that's not dinner time it's there's that's no time to eat this child just wandered out of your minor parents hotel room yeah what the heck you're probably not even paying for the room get room service that's true actually it's pretty smart vending machine oh my god that's pretty good that's pretty good okay this is a review of beau rivage i'm just gonna assume that's how you say it beau rivage resort and casino one star by ben

everything here is bad a dude died on the floor in front of me the queso was cold what everything is trash end of review wait what in order in order of importance from least to most a dude died on the floor in front of me the queso was cold everything is trash wow yeah i think the guy who died what happened ate some food off the floor. Yeah, probably. Some queso. Some cold. This is not good.

Cold queso. Cold queso and paid for it. Well, they were also being attacked by flies, so it could have been death by either one of those things. God damn. It's really dangerous out there. My next one is of Beau Ravage. Hey! One star by Braylee. Oh, cool.

Sorry. Should I miss Shrenda already, by the way? I've been thinking about Shrenda. I think it's Shrenda's sister. Renee texted me earlier. She just kept texting me at 2 in the morning the word Shrenda. I couldn't stop laughing. As far as I know, we haven't heard from a shrenda except all those people that corrected

me they're pretty much all shrendas in my book but i'm a friend of shrendas are you rewrite that for me i'm gonna rewrite lgbt history i think that's my love that's that's our ticket to get onto wikipedia that's my ticket finally i've been seeking it maybe you'll finally be verified on instagram after that i doubt it somehow i doubt it all right one star by brayley horrible service at bar was threatened and kicked out for offering to fulfill bartender services that were being neglected aaron at the center bar was slow and used the worst alcohol to make our shots. Waited 20 minutes before he showed up to even fix drinks. Also, he's a tattletale. So she's like, she's like, let me do this for you. Let me. She was offering to do his job.

Oh, I guarantee you she grabbed the bottle. And is like oh what a tattletale for getting me kicked out he probably came back and she was just pouring tequila from behind the bar of the top shelf stuff top shelf obviously knocking a couple bottles actually i think it was a some patron out of a nalgene bottle she's a visco girl he was like you didn't order the top shelf stuff why would i mix it with give you shots with the top shelf i just love that like instead of saying for like touching the bottle or like trying to pour myself If you order the top shelf stuff, why would I mix it with, give you shots with the top shelf stuff? I just love that, like, instead of saying for, like, touching the bottle or, like, trying to pour myself a shot, she literally says for offering my services. Yeah, to fulfill bar tender services. She didn't even spell fulfill right. I wonder, I want to see this chick's resume, though.

I bet she it's wild with the shit she, like, has claimed she's done. Like, all the services she's fulfilled in her life. I'm wrong, by the way. She did spell it right. I don't know. Maybe I'm just like anti-Brailey, but I like, it's like she didn't spell it right. I looked at it again. I'm like, oh shit.

Wait, that is how you spell it. I like how instead of just going with it, you like had to correct yourself. Well, because if someone else, someone finds this. That's true. And then, but then I would have been like, oh, Brailey edited it. She listens to the podcast. She also changed her name because we are so evil. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to all the Braylees and Shrendas. Sorry, Braylees and Shrendas. And the next name I'm going to have. I have another name after this. No way. It's a good one. Okay. You'll see.

I'm excited. It's more popular, I think, more common. Oh, okay. Oh, it's my turn. This is a once-I-review by Mark. I have no exciting names. I think, more common. Oh, okay. Oh, it's my turn. This is a one-star review by Mark. I have no exciting names. I just scanned the list. Don't win shit or get any drinks.

This place has terrible service. I recommend you buy some liquor and hire me to deal cards to you. I would not like to do that. But, parentheses Alexander, I have a gaming certificate. Does that change your mind? I don't know what that means. don't either but and i don't trust it i don't think how much did it cost on ebay well to get that certificate i think brayley offered her services to she'll she'll supply the the drinks and then he'll do the dealing we've got a casino in the works top shelf stuff too oh wow you will have a lot more fun that way no i won't i promise you i won't mark is like okay i'm gonna open my own fucking casino in my hotel room this is the craziest shit i've ever

heard like the dad who's like no you can't go out with your friends like we'll have more fun here we'll play some scrabble i'll show you a good time. Don't worry. Who needs your friends when you have dad? Who needs a bar and slot machines when you have Mark and his laminated gaming certificate that he definitely printed off the internet? Oh, no. You will have a lot more fun. That sounds so ominous. Yeah.

You should pay me. He literally says you should buy some liquor. Oh, so you have to supply the liquor. Yeah. You should buy some liquor. So that Braylee to supply the liquor. You should buy some liquor. So that Braylee has something to serve. And hire me to deal cards to you. But he's not even joking because he literally thinks that this is a reasonable business proposition.

Oh, gosh. Oh, I do have a cool name next. Okay, your turn. This one's from Midge. Is that the weird one? I think so. It's pretty weird. I mean, it's pretty weird i mean it's more common i like it it's uh isn't that what they say in uh miss mazel i haven't i've watched part of

episode one oh i'm pretty sure that's her name and marvellous mrs mazel okay i need to watch the rest of that i've been meaning to tv show by a great TV show, by the way. Midge. That's cute, though. I like that. It's not a bad name. It's just I was reading Braley's and then I switched and like, Midge. This is why people think we make this shit up. Yeah. We don't. The rest of mine are boring. Don't worry, guys.

Alright, this is a one-star review of Beau Ravage. Was very disappointed in the breakfast buffet. For as much as it cost, I expected much more. The Beau Ravage buffet used to be a great place to eat, but apparently things have changed. The girl that we got our waffle at was very rude and acted like we were taking up her time to even be there. Even had to go back and asked where they had butter, and all she stated, quote, it's over there in a bunch of baskets.

It gives me shivers just thinking of the way she acted. Me too, I'm so cold all of a sudden. Oh no. Won't be going back there anytime soon. I'd rather go across the way and find a waffle house and a review oh my god i mean it's over there in the baskets what the fuck at least exaggerate bitch i know say something crazy say like she told you she fucking threw it at your face i don't know anything that makes more sense you wouldn't have ended up on this podcast if you had told us that she, like,

cussed you out and was really nasty to you because then I would have been like, oh, no, that's not fair to Midge, and then moved on. But she told her that it's in baskets. Oh, my God. What does she expect her to do? I'm so curious.

I don't know. I'm so curious. I don't know. The girl we got a waffle from. Also, like, what is this girl doing with the waffles? The waffle girl. Is she just, like, pressing the thing down? I don't know. It's a girl we got a waffle from. Also, like, what is this girl doing with the waffles? The waffle girl. Is she just, like, pressing the thing down? I don't know.

Oh, my God. This is wild. This whole thing is wild. Okay. This is another review of Beau Ravage Resort and Casino. This is a one-star review by Travius. That's a pretty weird one. With an O-U-S, by the way.

That's like... Travius. That's like the Roman version of Travis. It does sound Roman. I was listening to something about Pompeii by the way that's like Travius that's like the Roman version of Travis it does sound Roman I was listening to something about Pompeii earlier so that's very fitting talk about having problems okay I'm sorry I don't know why I said that I was gonna say something about they're the only ones who are allowed to give one star reviews but that just seemed stupid okay one star by Travius taking a road trip back to georgia i decided to stop at this casino

and a couple others here in biloxi biggest mistake the slot machines at this casino and golden nugget are so tight you'd swear we were at an indian casino super start oh no they got these slot machines so rigged up it's absolutely deplorable. The jackpots are all at the max because they never pay out so every machine says ten or thirty thousand dollars because it doesn't plan to ever pay. You'd come out better putting your money in a bottle and throwing it in the gulf and maybe somebody on the other side of the world will find it and actually use it. I mean Katrina was over 10 years ago. There should be absolutely no reason these slots are this tight. People screaming because they won $15 after pressing max bet all night and finally

getting a measly return. I hope another hurricane comes next summer and wash every stupid slot machine out into the ocean. Vegas was way more fun. What kind of name is Biloxi anyway? This place is stupid. Oh my god, that got personal real quick. What kind of name is Biloxi anyway. This place is stupid. Oh my God. That got personal real quick. Name is Biloxi anyway. Fair question. I'm not on his side, but fair question. Fair question. Um, wow.

What a, what a dick. I actually looked up when I read the last line. It actually just says, this is stupid. Someone else said that? No, no. He just, instead of this, I thought it said this place is stupid. It just says, this is stupid. Well, like. I he just instead of this i thought i said this place is stupid it just says this is stupid well like i guess he figured it out at the end he's finally become self-aware now i'm curious about the economics of uh slot machine rigging because

he's like there's no excuse because katrina was over 10 years ago and it's like was was that an excuse back in the day maybe he's saying they need money. Like he thinks they need the money to repair. I don't know. All their measly slot machines. I have a feeling that this guy's a loser. Had a bad night and went off on a freaking crazy rant. Wow. I hope that's all it was.

What gives you that idea? If he actually wants another hurricane coming, I don't know. That's a horrible thing to say. That was terrible. To say, I hope another hurricane comes next summer and washes this whole place. It's obviously he understands the weight of that event. Yes. So he should not be saying that.

Also, then the slot machines will be even tighter, man. What are you thinking? It's not going to get any better. What kind of name is Biloxi anyway? That's the only thing that I'm i'm with with him that's a fantastic end end line yeah you should have just said that actually that would have been a funny review if you had just said what kind of name is biloxi anyway one star yeah this is stupid okay i'm skipping this next one because i haven't decided if i want to read it yet

everyone's gonna make you read it now. I'm going to save it till the end. Okay. And hope that you're... Do you have a redemption? No. Shoot. Okay, well, I'll save it to the end and hopefully people are distracted after by the... Challenge.

Never mind. Yes. Okay, so here my next one is of Imperial Palace Casino by Angie. Two-star review. Just woke up. End of review oh what this is just woke up just woke up on the floor after of the casino eating a bunch of food that was on the floor next to me i don't know i assume that she woke up saw her phone was like google wants me to leave a review well just woke up it says like what are you like, Google wants me to leave a review. Well, just woke up.

It says, like, what are you thinking? It's like, what are your thoughts? I was posting something on Patreon earlier, and it literally says, what are your thoughts? And I was like, that's not what I should be posting on Patreon. That's pretty deep. Yeah, that's too much. That's for your live journal. Right.

Nobody wants to pay for my thoughts. You get those for free unfortunately uh no one wanted to hear and angie's thoughts but um it doesn't stop angie and yet now everyone has here we go yeah all right this is um one star by jerry oh this is of harrah's or harrah's we are not sure how to say it don't't speak for yourself. I was going to just own it and say Harrah's. Okay, this is Harrah's Gulf Coast Biloxi. The food is horrible. The staff is rude.

I had the worst oyster po' boy in my life, and no one cared. I'm going to read it. Still no one cares. I care deeply. No, don't give them that. I'm so sorry. Don't give him that don't give him that i'm so sorry wow also that's such a specific thing the worst oyster of my life oh that's a good point how many has he had the only explanation is if you're literally from new orleans holy crap from louisiana the worst oyster He's literally had two.

He's like, I am comparing this to one other one. Sir, we don't. We really don't care. Okay. I have one more from Imperial Palace Casino by Michael. One star. Hate casinos. And a review.

Gio literally flinched. Sorry, Gio. Hate casinos? That's it. I checked his account. he didn't review any other casinos it was nothing i purposefully was like oh this is funny this guy has something against casinos he literally just somehow ended up having to review a casino and was like i hate it because that was my next question for sure yeah i knew it would be i was ready a step ahead i was ready um that's interesting actually because i think unless maybe they're changing their account because

ashley had a similar sentiment oh what's ashley have to say this is probably my favorite one oh this is my last one this is of harrah's gulf coast biloxi one star by Ashley. I officially hate this establishment with a burning passion. How is it that hard to build a building where you don't have to go through the damn casino in order to go to Steak and Shake? That's true. Every Steak and Shake I've ever been to, there's a huge casino that you have to walk through. It's a part of their marketing ploy. They want, they don't just want your 20 bucks, they want $400. How hard is it? Well, they do it pretty often.

How hard is it to build a building? Like, honestly, I could give two shits about your horrible, unfun, stupid games that do nothing but ruin people's lives. I only wanted a milkshake. I hope you run out of business. Holy shit, someone loves their steak and shake.

She has a little blood sugar. Be mad at steak and shake for agreeing to be in there. For hiding behind a casino. For hiding behind it. Well, actually, kind of smart to stay away from people like you. They used to be next door to Ashley's house, actually. That's hilarious. They had to move.

That was personal and weird. I just love that she's, like, seeking the milkshake, like just so angry. Clearly she hasn't gotten it because it says, I only wanted a milkshake. So like it never happened. They ruin people's lives. Oh my God. Yeah. So that one was idiotic.

You know what? They do ruin people's lives. I'll give her that. But the fact that this whole steak and shake thing is your like main argument is not not not very i don't know it ruined my life i wanted a milkshake like that does not go hand in hand like my grandma had an addiction okay that's different um but like i hope you run out of business i think actually that might be worse because then you have to walk through an empty casino like a fucking abandoned casino haunted by like flies and food on the floor to get to your steak and shake anyway can you imagine how mad she must be though when she walks into that steak

and shake after like half an hour of winding through all the oh my god machines i cannot even fathom anyway i would not want to see that okay so i have um one more before the bad one. Okay. This one is, this one just is one long sentence. Great. You know, we love those. I love those. So I'm going to just go for it. Okay. Super.

No punctuation, no capitalization, except for the first word. Here we go. Okay. One star by Matt of Hera Casino. We have stayed at Hera's for quite a while this year. We stayed during the cruise on the coast like every year. One star by Matt of Hera Casino. of the trip we decided to go to the mix and mingle for dinner the waitress was horrible she didn't know the menu we ordered the ballpark nachos and onion rings for an appetizer the nachos came out with our meal which the nachos were horrible too much cheese and was missing everything else no lettuce tomato pico sour cream so basically it was chips nacho cheese and jalapenos the onion rings never showed up to the table and when we asked about it we were told they don't have onion

rings at the mix and mingle but they are on the menu and we were also asked if we wanted them instead of fries with our burgers and shrimp po' boy it was the worst experience food wise we have ever had at harrah's so instead of spending money to eat there we went out and ate end of review and nobody cared holy crap i how do you keep going i literally wasn't breathing that entire time because i was so anxious that it wasn't ending how do you keep going i don't understand do you think it was a voice to text it's the only fucking explanation oh gosh that makes sense actually it's like the only thing i can it doesn't seem as interesting but like how actually though no i mean still interesting because look at it the fact listen to how i just read that because with text to speech don't you have to like just

speech to text don't you have to like keep going if... Speech-to-text, don't you have to, like, keep going? If you stop, doesn't it, like, stop? Or no? I think so. Okay, I don't know. Because this is impressive. Oh, yeah. They just kept going real quick.

You're right. They went some... Like, just... And, like, spelling-wise, it was fairly... A couple things were off, but... So they had to look at it to... It seemed... Post. Fine.

It was just no punctuation and capitalization no capitalization so do you think it was an old person or young person oh god matt i don't know matt because it sounds like a young person complaining about like the nachos and the spicy my dad doesn't like spice is alive that's all we know dad is alive and his dad can't do spicy what age range so they're caucasian um how do you know that oh dad can't do spicy stupid question i i don't know no i uh i have nothing to say okay well here's my next one you might have something to say like if this is worse i'm not reading the whole thing okay because it's a lot and it doesn't it doesn't get worse it doesn't get crazier it's just the beginning is something um

this is bad what you're freaking me out one star review okay yeah um if you're like faint of heart or like queasy or whatever i for me this was a little much but i don't know if you have just warning people. Okay. Like, it's not. Some people are going to hear this and be like, that's it. But for me, it was like, oh my God. Someone ripped their fingernails off or something? Beau Ravage Resort, one star by Catherine.

I got a massage at the spa at Beau Ravage. While being massaged, the masseuse literally dislocated my kneecap. Alex Hitter, I read this one. You did? She put it on Yelp too? She put it on Yelp too? She put it on Yelp and I freaked out. I knew you would. That's why I picked it. Alex Zitter, I freaked out. I was like, this is horrifying.

It's horrifying. I went away from it and then I came back to it because I'm like, I gotta. I just couldn't even look at it anymore. I'm just going to read the next few sentences. It was excruciating. I laid there writhing in agony, screaming how it wouldn't even go back into place. It was excruciating. I laid there writhing in agony, screaming how it wouldn't even go back into place.

It was visually on the left side of my knee. It was insane. Something I have never had happen before in my life. At the end, they had the gall to charge full price. I was in shock. End of review. I'm traumatized. Like, just reading this is just...

I'm like, rubbing my knee'm like did you read that before did you read that before your massage in indonesia after thank god christina what i needed that's the one thing i wanted to mention about my trip the massage the massage great okay we didn't just fucking review you just read it out loud for all of us no so ali and i it was like our second day there we got there we spent the night and then the next day we got a couple's massage because it was one day she wasn't working romantic and they were super cheap but it was at a really nice place yeah so um we go to this massage we go in there we're like english was hard you know we're trying to understand we got um changed into like what

they needed us to wear whatever and they were like okay get on the tables and um so they start the massage and then all of a sudden there's this really deep burp like a no like a really bad like i'm like oh gosh and for me i don't care but i'm like oh i feel secondhand embarrassment sure yeah my the masseuse like she was oh it was a masseuse it was not ally it was the massage therapist who was it was not ally okay i don't know how many people were assigned to me burped very loudly and i was like oh my gosh oh and i had this secondhand embarrassment but like oh i'm thinking like i hope she's not embarrassed like five seconds five seconds later, it happens again. Oh, my goodness.

At least 20 times. Was Allie laughing? At least 20. Well, that's the thing. So it was a two-hour massage, which is insane. First of all, wow. I know. It was Allie's idea.

It was fine. It was good. It was whatever. Two hours is long. But for me, I'm like, at the end, I'm like, what the hell just happened? I was like, over 20 times 20 times. She burped. I lost count. This is a review we would read on the podcast.

And I can't believe it. I was like, how did that happen? And then we get our nice teas and we're relaxed, whatever. And then we leave. And then I'm like, Ali,

did you hear those burps? And she was like, yeah. She was like, I thought that was you. She was like, I thought she was like pushing something out of you or something. She's like, I thought that was you she was like i thought she was like pushing something out of you or something she's like i thought that was so gross of you and then i was like it was

her and she was like what she's like i didn't know for those whole two hours she thought you were just like laying there burping yes that's what she thinks of me crazy that's what she thinks of me that's wow i wonder if it's just i still would give them a five star maybe it's like not as a big big of a deal that's what we were wondering it was just really funny to us afterwards and it made a funny story but um other than that it was great i just love that you're like i was so embarrassed for her that all of a sudden i know i felt that way and then the next time i was like oh gosh i hope she's okay like is there something it sounds like gastrointestinal yeah and then she just like didn't care, it seemed.

Okay, well, I guess it's normal for her. Yeah, it was still nice. So that was me relieving the tension after that terrible review I just read. I thought you were going to say it was someone getting a massage too. Like, I thought it was like a weird acupressure thing or something. And I did more things. I did some cultural things too, I swear, while I was in Indonesia. Just burped a lot. I hung out at the pool. I love my Buffy. Me too. I just want to

shout about it. Buffy makes bedding that is earth-friendly and cruelty-free, which is so important to us. The people at Buffy have spent sleepless nights worrying about the impact the bedding industry has on the environment, so they decided to change it. Their products are made using only sustainable and recycled materials, which makes them as soft on the planet as they are on your bed. How sweet. Their latest product, The Breeze, is a comforter made entirely from 100% eucalyptus fiber to regulate temperature and keep you cool and comfortable all night long. And it works. No more night sweats, folks. Its 100% plant-based design is breathable and keeps you cool and comfortable all night long. And it works. No more night sweats, folks. It's 100% plant-based design is breathable and keeps you at a comfortable temperature in a way that polyester and down-filled comforters just cannot. It's softer than cotton and naturally

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We're avoiding down, and Buffy is too. We love our Buffys, honest to God. I actually have two now, so I don't really know. I'm like putting one on the guest bed, but I'm kind of jealous. I always either run hot or cold when I sleep normally. And with this thing, it's been perfect. It does it for you. It's amazing.

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Or it was like as seen on TV, but like people said they saw the commercial and then bought it. Yeah. So it was hard to people said they saw the commercial and then bought it. So it was hard to search for like saw the commercial. Anyway, I'm not here to complain. I'll just tell you what I found. The first one is a review of a product on Amazon called Carmelo Goggles Headset 360 Degree Panoramic View Innovative Design 3D VR for iPhone work for five inches smartphones. Sounds like a waste of money. I have no idea. But Nu and you gave it five stars.

So it's a VR headset. Interesting. Okay. Five stars. Subject is ROFL. R-O-F-L. Is that how we say that? ROFL-copter.

Yeah. ROFL-copter. Subject ROFL. Rafflecopter. Subject, raffle. Here's a review. I haven't bought this product yet, but has anyone else noticed that the phone in the ad is showing the Pornhub app? That's funny. And then there's a response from someone called GM. I have.

Oh, God. Just as bad as i thought okay so that's that oh yes i can't wait to admit this on the internet i know oh thank god someone finally asked me if i what i saw uh yeah it was and that's i looked back at the ad and they had a little video presentation it absolutely was the porhub app just kind of sitting there in the video. That's hilarious. I was like, wow, people are being real upfront. That's how you do it.

Get people talking. That's why I did the whole friends with Ellen thing. Right. It got people talking. The engagement we had was through the roof. I didn't engage back. The engagement you'd ignored. It was very one-sided, but it happened.

You were laying out your massage thank you everyone for being everyone i think everyone was like nice about it overall almost everyone everyone said a lot of people said don't feel bad like don't worry a lot of people didn't well a lot of people just wanted me to know the right thing which is fair i should you know we kind of asked for it in that one person did say oh we used to say that back in the 90s so hey i didn't see that but i want to respond to that part not that i'm saying that even if they're making that up to make me feel better not that i'm saying that we were right by any means we were clearly wrong i'm just saying uh i guess maybe you weren't as far off as you thought i'll take it um but yeah so i i'm glad that somebody taught me a fun fact okay the next one is a review of

true ceramic pro and then this isn't really um sorry juni went up and like kind of like put his nose up to geo's and then he woke up shocked juni likes to do little nose boops that was so cute hi bubbies okay so this is not a star rating it's like uh it was like a it's like a review site for as seen on tv products what i know okay that next episode is only from that by the way there are many of these websites so this website um people kind of can comment their experience their review it doesn't have like star ratings, but you write about your experience with the product. So it's pretty much a review. This is by Laura of the True Ceramic Pro.

I saw an infomercial for this two weeks ago. I didn't buy it because they never said the price, so I knew it must cost more than it's worth. Also, I had an appointment with my hairdresser later that day and she recommended a different straightener to me. I've only had it two weeks, but it was $25 and I love it. End of review. Did dad write that? Oh my God, you're right. No wonder. Our father loves advice given to him by his hairdresser. Or his massage therapist. Or his massage therapist. And I have, I recommended to him Eli's Barbecue in Cincinnati 40,000 times.

And one day he came home with Eli's and he said, my hairdresser told me this is the best barbecue in town. And I just stared at him like, this can't come down. When I was applying to colleges, his hairdresser had a lot to say. Truly. And honestly, in hindsight, I probably should have listened. Well, actually, maybe there is something to this. You know what? I think there was.

Most of it was just burping. But between that, she had a lot of good things to say. No, but it's kind of funny. He takes those comments very seriously. But to us, he's like, eh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be fair.

We don't have enough life experience. I guess that's true. Yeah. We don't understand. And we probably never gave him good advice when we were growing up. I was going to say, he's probably tried one too many times. Yeah, he's over us. To follow our recommendations.

Okay, so this is Ultimate Lap... This is on Amazon. Ultimate Lap Tracks for Sitcoms, Game Shows, Talk Shows, and Comedy Projects, Volume 2 by Funny Bone Records. No. Ultimate Lap Tracks. What? Peter B. Three stars.

I haven't bought this product yet, but in the ad, the laugh tracks sound very faded out and unnatural. Is that how the tracks really are, or are they just fading out on the preview because I haven't purchased it yet? Okay. Three stars. At least it wasn't a one star. I guess so, yeah yeah that's something i mean and nobody it wasn't in the question and answer section like you would normally do yeah that's weird but you know how like also no one responded so sorry that's so creepy those laugh tracks about

how like you listen to those laugh tracks now and it's like most people are dead that are in those because they're recorded so long ago yikes like the classics laugh tracks were recorded so long ago it's just a bunch of dead people laughing yeah that is changes the game for me it does what does it change you loved laugh tracks before and now you love them other way around yeah you hated them because i knew you hated them i like in tv shows they drive me nuts so now you'll listen to it and you'll be like yes peter's right though the souls are laughing peter's right though i don't think they should ever fade out i think they should just keep going throughout the whole 30 minute episode and never stop could you imagine could you imagine that cd peter's like it's just like this loud volume just

constantly of dead people laughing yeah i can you imagine though if there was like a big bang theory episode don't get me started people and like it peter's like no it's weird it keeps fading the laughter keeps fading out i want it to like to keep going through the whole show that'd be hilarious well because they do have those videos on youtube where they remove the laugh oh it's horrible bang theory and it's just like awkward silence if you've not seen this i feel like that's true for most laugh tracks it is like friends is also horrifying there's always a pause because they need the laugh track to go. Like Friends is also so awkward if you watch it without a laugh track.

It's so funny. But like Big Bang is really wild because they say like, the super telescope didn't work. And if they just stare at each other. If you don't find it funny, it's just so good. It's suddenly very funny. Yes. Okay.

That's true. No comment. Aside from the four i just made okay uh this is the final one this is a more of a question and answer but it still has do you need me to answer it's a call i'm gonna is it one of those songs where oh rounds yeah um i just got too excited and then i was like wait you got your hands all up and together you're like yay wait we're not actually doing that okay it was just laugh track in rounds okay um okay copper chef 10 inch round frying pan with lid skillet with ceramic non-stick coating. You'll see why I picked this. The question is,

Hi, I want to ask how safe is this pan? Is there any chance for the copper to be released in the food? And then Jay answered this question. There is no copper on the inside of the pan. It's Ceramitec coating that's 100% chemical free, PTFE free, and PFOA free. The outside is copper with the stainless steel induction plate, so the pan heats evenly with no hot spots. Parentheses, I don't own it.

I just saw the commercial, LOL. Wow. Did this guy record the commercial? I think so. That's impressive. He just wrote it down. Even if I owned that thing, I wouldn't know that shit. Of course not.

That's hilarious. This guy just saw the commercial and was like, I know all about this pan. Like, PTFE free and PFOA free. Like, do you think the commercial happened to be on while he was reading this question? Yeah, and his DVR, he was like, just rewinding. Like, he's like, restarting it and he'll start typing. Oh, it's over. Had to restart it.

Is that PTFOE or PTFAE? Also, do you think he went and found the commercial? I have so many questions. Yeah. Anyway, I just... I think that would be really cool if he did see that question, went on YouTube or searched for this commercial, watched it, then gave the guy the information. Because then it's like, how nice of him to do that effort. I think that a lot of other people responded.

So I was like, why does he feel like he needs to go to the commercial to answer the never mind though i was hoping that it was just like this this knight in shining armor hold on a second tell me this doesn't answer the question the question is whether the copper could be released into the food and he literally just says but he's saying that the copper is on the outside so no because the inside doesn't have copper he's helpful i'm defending this guy to my dying breath evenly with no hot spots oh my god okay yeah you gave a little too much information maybe he works for the company that's uh-oh something's fishy cut co knives maybe he's like selling oh no door-to-door door-to-door pan salesman. Can you imagine how heavy that would be? Just like a suitcase of pots and pans. I didn't even think of that.

Or like loud in the trunk. Is that scarier than someone walking around with a box of knives? It's not scarier. It's just more uncomfortable for the salesperson. Okay. But the box of knives scenario is more uncomfortable for the customer. Right. I'm more likely to close the blinds and hide.

I've got knives, let me in! This literally happened, I remember when at our dad's house, remember? Yeah, and the guy stuck the knife through the door and tried to wiggle the lock. He was just a salesman. That's what mom and dad told us after they hit us in the basement and said,

don't make a sound, the police are coming. He's just selling nuts oh my god oh my goodness oh my goodness okay anyway that was a good one stupid well i'm i'm impressed you did you figured out the challenge thank you thank you so much i also learned a lot about laugh tracks and i feel like you know so we all thank god yeah um so what's my so what's the theme for next week because we only have one state left we have one state left and that state is new hampshire yay i'd like to make it clear for one side the challenge ready to go and alexander didn't i just it's my one time i've ever been prepared okay oh gosh okay well

some people did write in about um new hampshire so rachel and nick gave the suggestions of dunkin donuts in concord new hampshire okay dunkin donuts oh my god this is gonna be a good one yeah i think this is uh love me some dunkin and the northeast oh it's actually called duncan now oh just duncan remember i i did forget because i just looked at uh i'm going to put duncan donuts in the show to the show episode let's let's do that i'm fighting back but to be we're gonna force them to change to be fair there are duncan donuts that have closed ever since and they never got changed to a duncan so there you go abandoned duncan donuts that's the theme abandoned duncan donuts in concord new hampshire okay not actually i have the challenge what's my challenge this was sent in by ilia and uh she her pronouns

she says people reviewing self-defense tools that they tested on themselves or a friend. Oh, that's funny. Okay, that's going to be good. I feel like they could go some different routes. I need to buy Allie some more mace. That reminds me. What'd she use it on? On me. She was testing it out.

Oh, oh, oh. No, she got it confiscated at that Korean, like the Koreoreatown night market i think is what it was called what did you not go to that no oh it was a lot of fun we went with rachel and craig oh where you were oh i was at home i remember this yeah i was doing shit yeah well thank you thank you everybody uh so dunkin donuts self-defense things it's gonna be a good episode next week i think so i'm like pretty thrilled that we've appropriated um the phrase friends with dorothy yes for our own use yes me too i'm pretty sure everyone appreciates that deeply yeah i'm just kidding guys please don't be angry at me uh thank you everybody for sending in suggestions and ideas you can send them to

beachy sanya gmail.com and tomorrow is our first live show so we'll see how that goes we'll let you guys know how that goes you'll hear about it in a week so it's yeah Thursday and it's hi to everyone who's gonna be there thanks for buying tickets we can't wait to see you and meet you we hope you have a blast we hope

we have a blast we're very nervous so go easy on us and laugh no matter what. Laugh so hard, guys. Laugh. Laugh it up. Laugh. Start now to practice.

Oh, we can play a laugh track. We have a CD for you. Hold on. We're just going to play a CD in the background. Just on a loop. Okay, everybody. Oh, no. See you soon.

Bye. soon bye