Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 64: Valentine's Day Reviews Extravaganza

Episode Date: February 12, 2020

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready to stuff your face with conversation hearts and write your letter to Mr. Grindr. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Happy Valentine's. Happy Valentine's. They got their new ringtone now.

You're welcome, everyone. Happy Valentine's Day to you and your loved ones. It is a special, special holiday full of really great people on the internet who have a lot of really positive things to say. Only positive. No negative things do they have to say. I don't think I read a single one. No, everyone just loves this holiday.

Yeah, actually, this episode is releasing on Galentine's Day, technically. Oh! In Parks and Rec. Yeah, actually, this episode is releasing on Galentine's Day, technically. Oh. On Parks and Rec. I love Galentine's Day ever since Parks and Rec told me it was about eating waffles. Yep. And what a special day it is for all of you. Wait, it does not come out on Galentine's Day. Oh, wait.

Oh, shit. I thought Valentine's Day was Thursday because Allie and I are celebrating on Thursday. Oh, well, congratulations, you Galentines. Thank you. We're celebrating on Galentine's Day was Thursday because Allie and I are celebrating on Thursday. Oh, well, congratulations, you Galentines. Thank you. We're celebrating on Galentines Day. Blaze and I are celebrating on the 20th because we are not going to see each other until then. So that's my sad life. Nice.

Yeah, but I was like, you know what? Everything will be like half off at the Walgreens. So it's like you better buy me some chocolate. Oh, perfect. It'll be discount baby um we might make this a new ritual so we'll see yeah well if you haven't figured out by the title of the episode or by what we're talking about we are not doing then you need to get your head checked we're not doing our Ireland episode oh that's right I forgot we'd already planned that as promised

we promised that. And instead, we're doing a Valentine's Day episode because we forgot Valentine's Day existed. We did lie. We did lie to you about that. A few days ago. I'm so sorry. On Valentine's Day this week, I am actually going to be in Sacramento and then San Francisco.

So buy tickets, please, to that. I'm sorry to do the little plug, but we are not sold out and I need someone to buy tickets so you'll be my val my very special valentine if you do that you're gonna make people not want to buy tickets okay you'll be my galentine how's that better all right um do we have anything to say oh oh i do you do i was asking myself um we i was very excited we reached uh over 2 000 reviews on apple podcasts and for some reason i was just myself um we i was very excited we reached uh over 2 000 reviews on apple podcasts and for some reason i was just waiting for this because it was like 1 900 something for months and so we finally did it and i'm very thankful to everyone who's written a review um please do that if you can even those negative ones technically got us to 2 000 so hey

i'm gonna stop it no they didn't don't write those no no no no those are painful um especially on this the most yeah come on loving holiday of the year show us some love um if you do that would be really helpful and it really really really helps us um gain some traction on itunes so anyway that's all i have okay who goes first um i'll go okay with uh since it's a special episode i did my favorite thing and trolled through the app store for valentine's day related apps i every time forget that you do this and every time my my mind is blown okay it's fun it's i think a majority of mine are from the app store just warning you oh. Oh, man. This or these, I guess, are reviews of love test compatibility rating. You enter two names.

It analyzes it and then tells you a percentage. What was yours and Allie's? I didn't put it in because I don't want to download any of these apps. To be fair, you guys have pretty much the same name. So it's probably zero. It's like you can't put the same name twice you can't put yourself twice okay here's a one-star review by ava titled i just can't all caps i have seen real detectors before and this is one billion percent a fake app end of review, if there's anyone I trust.

Believe it or not. It's Ava. This thing doesn't actually work, according to Ava. I know. I know. I don't trust her. I think it sounds pretty legit. I know.

You just put your names. That's it. Yeah. Why did someone, why do people download an app where you put, okay. Yeah. I'm going to read my other two because it's just ridiculous. Please do. Mama Smurf. Oh, God. Wrote a one star review titled No. where you put okay yeah i'm gonna read my other two because it's just ridiculous please do uh mama smurf oh god wrote a one-star review titled no the second she typed in mama smurf the

compatibility was like zero i don't care who else you put in here uh i put the same people two times same order and one say mary the second said to friends. End of review. Uh-oh. Yep. Uh-oh. Who are you going to believe? Yeah. And then Jabba Wocky also gave it a one-star review. Okay, well, now.

Titled Ha Ha Ha. I love how they gave Taylor and Harry a 99%. And they broke up. Yep. This app is so accurate. Oh my God. What? There.

I mean, it's just so disturbing that people literally look at this and go, Oh my God. It's it's wrong. Yeah. Oh my God. How, how could it possibly be wrong?

Why did this app that has 400 reviews on the app store get taylor swift's relationship wrong to be fair she you know goes through a lot of different steps in the in a quick amount of time i just but taylor and joe's going strong who oh christina i'm sorry i'm not really'm just. Catch up. I'll put it in the compatibility and find out later. Okay. Question. What is the average star rating on this app? Four.

What? So I guess people just are on the school bus. Like we would like, I feel like I would have downloaded this in middle school and like played with it. Yes. And just like laughed. Yes. Like kind of like.

Exactly what it is. It's like mash but way less fun and interesting yes cool um okay my turn yep well i went the complete opposite direction and i uh took a right turn i went directly into the applebee's parking lot oh yes most romantic that's where i think of when i think of on the that's where you guys are going right on the uh sounds good to me is there an Applebee's in Los Angeles? Actually, I don't know. There's probably an ironic Applebee's.

I'm pretty sure there was one in Redlands, because that's where I would go to watch football. There's probably one up in Burbank. Maybe it was a TGIF. It's not important. I actually find it pretty important, but this is a one-star by Carolyn. Worst Valentine's Day ever. Brought my family for dinner. My daughter was crying up a storm.

So I asked a manager if she could just bring me a small bowl of strawberries. She totally forgot about them. We're doing a strawberry thing again? No, you still... I hope you guys remember the rule from episode three. Oh my god. Take a drink every time someone says strawberries. That was so long ago, but it's still in my head when I hear a strawberry.

That really set a terrible tone for this entire podcast. My daughter was crying up a storm, so I asked a manager if she could bring me a small bowl of strawberries. She totally forgot about them. She even kept walking back and forth around our table, like seriously. I got the 12 ounce chef's steak and I literally couldn't even chew it. It was so hard. And there was tissue in every piece I ate. Very, very disappointing. I just realized I thought it meant like a Kleenex. Yeah, it meant like, like fat, I think. Not tissue. I mean, that's gross. Whatever she's saying is disgusting.

I'm pretty sure. I think all of what she's saying is disgusting. Yeah, that's true. I think she means like the. Gristle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know whatever the heck it's called. And there was a tissue in every piece. Okay, it does sound like a Kleenex.

It says a tissue, right? Yeah, it sounds like a. Who knows? A Kleenex. Who knows? Maybe it was one of those like. Maybe her daughter was crying so much she just kept throwing Kleenex into her mom's plate. You know, that's it, actually.

If you want steak, go somewhere else, please. This is the last time I'll be visiting this place. Server was nice, probably the only good thing here. End of review. I mean, you don't have to say... If you want steak, don't go to Applebee's. And, like like not even anything against apple bees like but also she got the bees if you want strawberries don't go to apple

okay yes because they will never arrive that's true the server will just what did she say go walk in circles around the table for minutes on end like i don't know what's going on yeah but it's nothing against apple bees but if you go to an apple bee you know it's an apple bee it's like you'd think so i don's, you know it's an Applebee's. You'd think so. I don't know. You'd think so. My next one is of Valentine's wallpapers.

Love quotes and love pictures. I'm not going to lie. When I was a few years ago, I definitely did download one of these. It was like Halloween background apps or something. I bet you didn't. I did. I for sure did. It's like on Roku where they have that whole list of like screen savers and stuff. That is.

But it's like, it's weird. Oh. It's weird. Okay. Well, Allie swears. She was like freaking out. She was like, oh my God, you have to look at this. And then we look at the screen savers or wallpapers and she's going through and she's like, where

are they? I'm like, what are you talking about? had a bad dream they were just here she said there were so many like like x-rated like whoa like a lot of nudity and stuff in there and then you were like shit let me delete and then she was like trying yeah i know and then she's like googling she's like where were like what happened she said she saw so many i think we were trying to find out if they like changed their policy or something because all of a sudden they were gone oh no yeah but maybe she did controls anyway valentine's wallpapers this is uh one star review by ddd is there not any heartbroken wallpaper for those who are heartbroken? End of review.

But it's actually not the end because it's followed by about 30 heartbreak emojis. Oh my God. Can you imagine you're going through a breakup and you're like, I know what to do. Like Google Valentine's wallpaper. Oh my God. It's like, why? It's just pictures of Taylor and whoever, joe i'm sorry i'm not cool yeah just what you want to hear a hilarious pop culture joke in a year that'll be irrelevant because she'll have broken up with no no i like joe i mean i love taylor i like joe

for taylor believe it or not who's joe can you tell tell me? Joe Alwyn, yeah. Joe who? Alwyn. A-L-W-Y-N. I literally don't know who that is. See, that's perfect. I'm so ridiculous. That's perfect. Okay. I think his most famous thing is being her boyfriend now.

Oh, well, sure. But I think he's an... I think that's what John Mayer is known for, too. He's an actor or something. Anyway. Did you hear me? Yes, I did. Okay.

In some circles, I'm sure that's true. Okay. All right. Go ahead. Oh, wait. Now he's actually, yeah, he's a good, he's an actor. He's in some, yeah. It's your turn.

John Mayer? No, Joe Alwyn. Oh, it's my turn. I thought that, I just assumed there were going to be like five more reviews of this wallpaper app. No, I'm done. I'm sorry. I only, there were only 20 total.

All right. Well, then I found another restaurant called Glassdoor Restaurant. Sorry. Thinking of a job site. I thought that's what it was, too, because it said reviews of Glassdoor, and it said worst Valentine's Day ever. And I was like, oh, no, your boss made you stay late? Adam gave one star. Worst place.

Went on Valentine's Day with a limited menu. First, our reservations were under Sally instead of Adam. I'm pretty sure they stole someone else's reservation. My oysters came out 25 minutes after our other app. I ordered the sea bass, but I was given steak without any heads up. Without a steak knife, we tried to eat. heads up. Without a steak knife, we tried to eat. After a while of pouring our entire bottle of wine, we were given one steak knife to split cold meat. After telling the waiter we were done,

he took our steaks without offering if we wanted to take them home. I ate half, my girlfriend ate a quarter, thrown in the trash. I wanted to take my cold steak home when dessert came we were told the cheese steak we ordered was gone no wait wait what did it actually say cheese yeah and i have to i have to assume he means cheesecake i don't know this person is talking a lot about steak about cold meat yeah yeah maybe he just was like oh bring that bring that cheesesteak back. And they're like, it's in the trash, but you can't have it for dessert. When dessert came, we were told the cheesesteak we ordered was gone. So they gave us cheese plates. It was two sticks of cheese and fancy feast. Literally called it cat food all night to everyone we talked to and it's a very clever person we paid gave 20 because we both work in the industry and then left btw the place was empty the whole time we heard everyone complaining around us. Wait. That doesn't line up. Something

here is amiss. No. I think it all adds up. It does not. Formulaically perfectly. Never going back. Worst Valentine's Day ever. Place has decor and ambiance for days. Sure. But waitstaff and communication was the worst I've ever encountered.

We laughed all the way through deuces. Oh my goodness. End of review. You have to like weirdly brag about how you called it cat food to everyone. I made a joke. I made a hilarious joke to everyone who's in the empty restaurant. Oh wait, sorry.

There was a response by the manager. Oh, by owner. Dear Adam, we are sorry to hear that we did not fulfill your expectations during your visit we did have a prefix menu for that dinner sorry if you were not properly informed about it so basically when he's like we were given steak without warning it was like that was literally the menu oh my god yeah like you can't order a sea bass that's not part of the menu the amount of people that complained about valentine's day menus's Day menus. There's a reason that they do that.

I'm like, that sounds good to me. That sounds great. Take all the decision making out of it. Just give me food. It sounds perfect. Yeah. So he says we had a prefix menu for that dinner. Sorry if you were not properly informed.

Basically, you can't eat cheesesteak for dessert. That's not part of our or ever really. Basically, you can't eat cheesesteak for dessert. That's not part of our... Or ever, really. Uh, da-da-da. We strive to serve great customer service and food. You'll positively remember. On behalf of management, we truly apologize we fell short.

We will take your feedback and learn from it to better enhance future visits. Thank you for your review. No, they won't. No, they won't. And they shouldn't. I really hope they don't, because you didn't really offer much positive feedback. No. More like constructive feedback. Or constructive.

Okay. Well, I'm on to the dating apps. Great. It's time for Tinder. Oh, God. Oh, God. This is by Slong Chong. Okay. One star. Titled, It's a Ripoff for Men.

One star, titled, It's a Ripoff for Men. They make people believe that if they pay Tinder money, that they will get more realistic matches. I tried the plus for two months. 60% of women on here just unmatch for whatever reason a lot of the time, before I even try to message them. And 30% of the 40 that doesn't unmatch doesn't respond. This app is whack and fake. Wish I could get a refund from these money-hungry hoes. 100 emoji.

End of review. I didn't know how that fit in, but I felt it necessary to include it. Every time you write money-hung hungry hoes siri autocorrect like puts the emoji like in venmo when you're typing something running it's like is this what you mean oh my god um yeah the app is definitely broken for sure the app is broken that was just one example the amount of people who freaking were just so bitter yeah so bitter yeah about their success on these apps yeah it was it was really sad to read a lot of them it does it is sad and it's like so don't think i'm not like doing noble work and difficult work it's just what i have to go through these it's hard on me someday i think end up at the Applebee's with their true love.

But it's not looking positive with the attitude they have toward these money-hungry hoes. No. Slong John. Oh, my turn? Yeah, I've got more of these, but you go ahead. Okay. Well, I have two of the next thing. Should I just read both of them?

Go for it. They're really small. Okay, so then obviously I did my favorite thing and I went on Amazon and typed in Valentine's Day. The first item that came up that drew my attention was grow a boyfriend novelty Valentine's gift. Uh-oh. How big does his boyfriend become? Well, it varies depending on the angry review is it one of those capsules you put in water yes or it's like a little guy and then you put him in and he's

supposed to expand like a sponge like a sponge and so many people were so angry that they quote unquote wasted money and i was like so wait so if it grew like two more inches taller we you'd be like this is totally worth my ten dollars they thought it would be like six feet tall. Maybe, actually. Come to think of it. So the reviews that I have are both verified purchases. The first one is by Jen. One star. I bought this for a friend.

She was highly disappointed that he didn't have a penis. End of review. Oh, no. But then included pictures of the little sponge thing yeah to like show that there was no junk on it yeah wow to like prove it well god and it proved it thank you jen i mean it's like a silhouette of a person it's not like why would you want like why is that something that's disappointing to you it's disappointing to her friend wink wink friend yes definitely not? It's disappointing to her friend.

To the friend, yes. Definitely not to Jen, just to the friend. Could you imagine texting your friend like, what the hell, this gift you gave me didn't have a penis? Yeah, this Galentine's gift is total trash. Yeah, ew! It's a weird scenario that I don't think I'd ever be in. Yeah, so there's that. Then Tammy, this is probably my favorite

left a one-star review tammy j says this wasn't what i thought it was end of review oh it's like staring at it like verified purchase i don't know purchase something like this how do you purchase it intentionally but misunderstand what the product really i really want to know what tammy expected i want and i want to see tammy's face opening that box oh no sad it wasn't what i thought it was how much was it uh i think like 7.99 or something oh okay i don't even know it was under 10 bucks for sure but it was a lot of people were like oh it was a stocking stuff for gag gift or white elephant like i mean it's just a stupid little thing and most of the five star reviews were like they didn't

use it they were just like oh it was so funny to watch so and so open this um yeah yeah yeah also some grandma posted this long rant about how she was looking for a gift for her 15 year old granddaughter. Jesus came up and she was like, how dare you market this to teenagers? And I'm like, there's no penis. Look at it closer. Don't worry. Jen posted a photo for you. Next one is of Tinder. Oh, God. Titled Bad by Bunch of Gibberish. One star.

Accidentally put, I was four when I'm 20, and it won't let me redo it. End of review. Oh, no. That's a bad situation. That's so bad. That's bad. Oh. Then I have one by L.E.

One star titled Pain. Oh. Nobody wants me. End of review. Oh, I was going to say that. There was a developer response. So Tinder actually responded and said, like, hey, here's some tips and gave, like, tips on how to better their profile. So there's definitely a team of people that just has to go into all the negative, like, nobody loves me. And they ended with, stay encouraged.

We're confident a new match is only a few swipes away. I don't know. Apparently 79% of them unmatch the second you talk to them. And they look at you and they realize that you're a big creep. And then I have one more. That's what Slong John said. Slong John. Slong John Donut.

By Elkra. One star. If you are an average guy, you will be having an extremely hard time getting matches, even with average girls. It seems as if this app only works for very attractive guys, since girls are so picky despite their own physical appearance. Also, this is where average girls get fake validation only because of us desperate guys. End of review. That's A, horror movie.

B, I didn't realize what I did. I think I hit a button on my screen, and all of a sudden while you were talking, the words you were saying started appearing in my pages document, and it literally says, this app works for very attractive guys since girls are like it started what dictating what you were saying onto my screen does that i don't know that was fucking that's scared me really bad i looked down and i saw what you were saying on my screen um this isn't there a word for this when these

when people are like oh oh, girls only like... In cells? Yeah, that's the word. Yeah. On Tinder? No. Horrifying. They would never.

I just, I'm like, I'll tell you, I was on Tinder briefly. There's some really weird people on there, I gotta say. Oh, my lordy. Of both genders. Oh, my lordy. Of any gender. Just weird people anywhere you look. Thank you. Even on a segue i'm like where is this going i thought it was pretty damn smooth

i'm trying to delete all the fucking paragraphs you just said into my computer i hope they stay there forever time using this app okay despite their looks what is wrong with people i know and then they're like why doesn't anyone love me yeah that's the thing it's like there's nothing attractive about this person just based on this no it's not about being average looking it's about being an idiot okay again just like on amazon this alexander is my new favorite thing that i've discovered and i was like so close to texting you about it last night and then i was like no no i have to save it so uh i found a review for brock's conversation hearts like this little you know text me or fax me or whatever the fuck. Page me.

Beat me if you want to reach me. Oh, my God. And there was a one-star review by a guy named Angelo. And Angelo... Wait, how many stars? One. One, okay. So I'll just read you the review, then I'll elaborate. One star by Angelo.

The title is, Send Me a Shipping Paper So I Can Back. Here's the review. I think this was the candy I have ever that tasted like crap. I threw the bag of crap in the trash. Shame on you. Why don't you try your own crap and then you will know how I feel. Thanks for nothing. End of review.

Oh my goodness. I mean, they don't taste particularly good no and i don't think that they're necessarily meant for that i will send you now this is i clicked on angelo's profile um i sent you his profile picture oh no so that's the creepiest angelo's profile picture is of him wearing a maga hat and then cover photo i don't know what it's like a banner picture of the top of his head so his eyes are creepily staring like just just over the the brim i don't know what you call it just yeah it's literally

his name and then right above it are his eyes and the top of his head you know like he he put two pictures of himself as the profile and cover photo basically yeah and um angelo m clark senior now then i was like don't say he writes it in all of his reviews after this okay okay i'm sorry i wasn't going to but i it's in all the others i listen i'm only calling him out for his really wise assessment okay his sage advice sage advice now then the best part about this that was going to be it but then i just like did a quick scroll and i realized he reviews every candy heart and not around valentine's day just throughout the year this isn't like some sort of agenda like is there something going on here i mean between that it's all tools or like yeah cell phone chargers like normal stuff but all one star everything is bad oh of course but um

then the rest are conversation hearts weird and that. And that's it. Like, no other food, candy products, just Conversation Hearts. Well, he probably tried all these different ones. Just to find, he never found the one he was looking for. That's sad. Or he did, and like many reviewers, didn't leave a five-star review. You're right. That actually makes a lot more sense that he was finally satisfied. Although some of them, there were like two, I think, five stars,

and both of them said, thank you so much for your hard work. And I'm like, I don't know who he's talking to, like Amazon or like the product. I don't know. Who knows? Needless to say, he did not feel that way about Candy Hearts. So I have two more that I hand selected from. Hand plucked. Hand plucked, if you will.

So the first one is just called, very generic, Conversation Hearts four-pound bag. You bought a four-pound bag? Let that sink in. What is he doing with these? Let that sink in for a minute. This is a three-star review. They were all right, but not as good as some others. Angelo M. Clark Sr.

Okay. Okay, and then the final one that I'm going to read to you is Necco Conversation Candy Hearts. They were all right, but not as good as some others. Angelo M. Clark Sr. Okay. Okay. And then the final one that I'm going to read to you is Necco Conversation Candy Hearts. Oh, Necco sells them? Like Necco wafers? Correct. This is a two-star review. Okay.

Love this great thing. What? I'm pretty sure I just copy-pasted this without reading it, so now I'm as surprised as you are. Love this great thing. I eat 30 to 40 pieces a day. This time the hearts were not good. It had half the flavor than the one before that. I get bags for this product, and you know how much I buy.

I am not happy with one, but I will be buying more from you guys. Thanks, Angelo M. Clark Sr. My gosh, this guy just loves those candies usually not always but like love this great thing that's so interesting i know i just was so fascinated because i accidentally stumbled upon this man who looks like he's in show this to jim haha and yeah and he rates all the candy heart i just thought it was the wildest thing I've ever discovered on the internet. So he will be. Someone's got to do it.

He will be buying more. Thanks for your hard work. Keep those places in business. I mean, granted, they sell other things. But, like, you know, keep the candy hearts flowing. You've got to keep Amazon in business. They're really struggling. That's what I meant.

Small business Saturday. Small business Valentine's. Buy your candy off Amazon. Oh business Saturday. Small business Valentine's. Buy your candy off Amazon. Oh god. Sometimes he wrote signed, Angela. None of these though, unfortunately. I think he was a little bit

angry. So he wasn't formal enough. He wouldn't be formal for that. They don't deserve it. I love my Buffy. Me too! He wasn't formal enough. He wasn't, yeah. He wouldn't be formal for that. They don't deserve it. Okay. Well. I love my Buffy. Me too. I just want to shout about it.

Buffy makes bedding that is earth-friendly and cruelty-free, which is so important to us. The people at Buffy have spent sleepless nights worrying about the impact the bedding industry has on the environment. So, they decided to change it. Their products are made using only sustainable and recycled materials, which makes them as soft on the planet as they are on your bed. How sweet. Their latest product, the Breeze, is a comforter made entirely from 100% eucalyptus fiber to regulate temperature and keep you cool and comfortable all night long. And it works. No more night sweats, folks. It's 100% plant-based design is breathable and keeps you at a comfortable temperature in a way that polyester and down-filled comforters just cannot. It's softer than cotton and naturally soothes skin.

It's also earth-friendly. As we said, eucalyptus uses 10 times less water than cotton to grow, and its fiber is produced using recyclable, earth-friendly solvents. Yay, environment! And it's hypoallergenic. Plus, its high thread count shuts out dust out dust mold and mites for a healthier sleeping environment and it's cruelty free that's the biggest part yeah no down which i really appreciate no down we're avoiding down and buffy is too we love our buffies honest to god um i actually have

two now so i don't really know i'm like putting one on the guest bed but i'm kind of jealous i always either run hot or cold when i sleep normally. And with this thing, it's been perfect. It does it for you. It's amazing. I love it. Well, you can try a comforter in your own bed for free. And if you don't love it, you can return it at no cost. Correct. You heard that right.

And aside from their free trial, you can also get $20 off your Buffy comforter by visiting buffy.co and entering code BEACH. Again, for $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit buffy.co and enter the code BEACH. Again, for $20 off your Buffy comforter, visit buffy.co and enter the code BEACH. My next one is of Grinder. Oh, God. These are just depressing me, Danny. By Dee.

Okay. Titled, They Kept Asking, one star. Uh-oh. And just know this was written on Decembercember 24th christmas eve oh and just it is referenced as well but just it is for context accurately december 24th okay dear mr grinder yes i'm listening long last, you wore me down. For years now you've asked, hook up, and finish gift lists for the final seven people on my good boys and good daddies list.

Oh, my. I was in good spirits as that hot 25-year-old who's been flirting... Sorry, I'm getting a phone call. Uh-oh. Who is it? Uh-oh, it's a hot 25-year-old. It's Mr. Grinder. I was in good spirits as that hot 25-year-old who's been flirting messaged me back. And I tried to reply, and lo and behold, your good fortune caused your right grinder prompt, jumped in front of my thumb, and here we are.

I was instantly reminded of all you have taken from me. Oh. I was instantly reminded of all you have taken from me. Sir, countless hours chasing my next regret, and more still, in my early grinder days, chatting up bots who found their way onto my screen with greater frequency than my vows to ditch you. And now you insist upon my raiding? For all the bots, all the crashes, all the time, and at last the 25-year-old is within reach until he wasn't.

All so you could finally get my one-star rating. I hope it was worth it. End of review. Do you think the team at Grindr who has to respond is like, do we touch this one or just leave it? There were so many reviews. So for these dating apps, I was just like scrolling, looking at titles. Yeah. But this one I just saw, Dear Mr. Grinder.

And I'm like, this is a winner. I can already tell. Oh, my God. It is annoying when apps constantly ask you to rate them. It is. Especially once you've rated them and then they still ask you. And I'm like, I already submitted one. Is that what Grinder does?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Mr. Grinder is just I'm like, I already submitted one, dingus. Is that what Grindr does? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, Mr. Grindr is just insatiable, I will say. Oh. Listen, I'm sorry for their loss. There we go. I don't know what else to say about that.

Yeah, probably shouldn't say anything. I hope they had a Merry Christmas, I suppose. Sounds like they did not. Probably not. I hope they have a Happy Gal, I suppose. Sounds like they did not. Probably not. I hope they have a Happy Galentine's. There it is. Maybe that will turn things around. Have some waffles. Have some waffles.

That always fixes it. My next one is of FTD Flowers, which is a flower purchasing site. And wow, did people have a lot to say about any flower site on Yelp. Edible arrangements, etc. Yep, I saw. I read one through some edible arrangement stuff. Nothing funny. Just really bad. Just so angry.

LL wrote a one-star review of FTD flowers. Got a very bad experience with FTD.com today? Purchase 24 roses plus goodies from FTD.com online more than a week ago to be delivered today on Valentine's Day. Guess what? What? You didn't guess.

Oh, um, they came late and no one was there to get them. No, they came right on time and then everything lived happily ever after. Got it. Guess what? First, they told me yesterday that they have to substitute what I ordered. Then, at 3.28 p.m. Eastern Time today, Valentine's Day, it told me I could not deliver the flowers to my spouse. And if I don't respond to its email by 7 p.m., it would cancel my order. They're talking about this website like it's a sentient being

it responded and if you look at the logo isn't it the one with the man running i have no idea or is that like plan of fitness or something i'm trying to picture it looks like a man i think plan of fitness is a planet i actually don't know that's true i don't go there enough ftd.com i think it's like a gold person running. Like a courier service? Yeah. Like what's his name with the winged feet? Hermes. Hermes.

Yeah, Mez. Of course, yeah. Exeter, get away from me. Oh, shit. You're right. Thank you. It's actually Hermes. Holding flowers, right?

Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much. It's about time I admit I am L no i'm not ll okay so that's the one who's talking to ll hermes yeah it it yeah oh okay it told me if i don't respond to its email by 7 p.m it would cancel my order unfortunately i did not check my personal email until around 5 30 and whose fault is that I know. Well, it was a mad dash out hitting the stores trying to find alternatives. Of course, all of New York City was depleted of

flowers. The worst of all, my 7 p.m. dinner reservation in New Jersey, made a month ago, was getting close. Not only my spouse did not get the flowers, she started getting edgy on why I was That sucks. I'm like, there's some other issues going on. Don't blame FTd for everything from like maybe like three sentences ago on has nothing to do with this flower place also like she was really edgy as to why i was coming home like there's something else happening here it's like the butterfly effect or whatever is that what it's called yeah and like i say ah like yes sure like a butterfly flaps its wings and it changes and then all of a sudden ll's spouse divorces him this whole thing with like her

they're gonna just keep going through their entire life and it's at the end of their life they're gonna be like it all the down my downfall all began valentine's day 50 years ago when it emailed me too late in the day now i have to make a trip back to the store to return it tomorrow first of all it's very rude of your significant other to be like bring it back yeah i wonder what it was though i guess i shouldn't call it rude unless it was something it could have been something real weird like never mind i was gonna say remember that time dad got mom a hot water bottle for their first Christmas together? Like that.

I'm like, I don't. It's useful at least. It is pretty handy. We also missed our reservation by about an hour and a half and we could not get seated. Frustrated and totally discouraged, we drove around town and she decided that she wanted to go home and call it a night. She was hungry and angry the reason that i am writing this on yelp because no one is willing to talk to me anymore what that's so sad i know i know probably we'll get the silence treatment for another few days

it is tough to swallow that cold chicken left over from yesterday in front of the computer. Oh my gosh. This has taken quite the turn. Hasn't though? You already plotted out the rest of this person's life in the butterfly effect fashion. I thought all these feelings would happen

years, years later, but like it's all happened so quick. This was from 2002. Oh, no. It is tough to swallow that cold chicken leftover from yesterday in front of the computer. It is the worst Valentine's Day of my life. My mistake? I should not have trusted FTD.com because they had a promotion.

Never, ever, ever trust them. I hate to have you eating the leftover every night and talking to yourself for at least a week end of review oh my god do you know what the end just reminded me i care about us you know it reminded me of um the lorax where he's like oh yes he's like don't do what i did i would hate to see you rotting away in the single truffle a tree. Eating cold chicken in front of your computer. Eating leftover chicken. Getting the silence treatment from your spouse.

No one will talk to me anymore. It's like, what? Only Yelp will talk to me. After that? Like, because of that, no one will talk to you? It's really pretty tragic. It wasn't that bad. Come on.

Oh, okay. That was sad. Yeah, my bad. It's a bad one. Your turn. I have a review of Plenty of Fish. Oh, great. One star by Jamie Alpha Male.

That's how you know it's going to be good. This is going to go really well for everybody. They should have called this site Plenty of Issues. Every girl I met... What about... I know you love those. What about Plenty of Fishies? I also saw Plenty of Catfish.

Oh, that's good. And I saw something like Plenty of Fails or something dumb. Okay, that was bad. That's the worst. I win. Like something like plenty of fails or something dumb. Okay, that was bad. That's the worst.

I win. Every girl I met or even had contact with has a train full of baggage, damaged goods, crazy, and or all of the above. Uh-oh. Beware! End of review. People suck. I don't even... I know. That's like somehow more depressing than the Lorax guy.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a warning, I know. That's like somehow more depressing than the Lorax guy. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a warning, I guess. Hope for humanity is lost. Okay, well, all I have left is redemptions, two of them. Okay, you go ahead. Well, let me read... How many more do you have? I'll just read one more.

Okay. I have a redemption as well, so let me read my one more negative. Okay, perfect. This is of Bumble by duramax i cannot believe you just stuck with this the whole time i did didn't i well there's one that i didn't really like that much that was of a restaurant but anyway one star bumble okay no i'm not going to read the title this is you'll love this you'll all your complaints will just go away after this. Somehow I doubt it. One star. I received an email from these people stating they do not support the First or Second Amendment.

I am in no way advocating violence to anyone. Simply have a firearm in my picture. Keep that in mind when downloading this app. Trashy pigs don't support the Constitution. I'll never use the app again. End of review. Talk about a train full of baggage. Am I right? No wonder.

This is all making sense. These people are all connecting with each other. And I know we say this every time any amendment pops up. Any of the many, too, that are ever brought up. It's amazing that this person doesn't understand that plenty of fish is its own like its own but not plenty of fish bumble is its own private company they can do and have rules however they want yeah if you don't like them go to a different site use a different app do, do something else. Go to the gun range.

I was about to say, there's probably a gun app. If there's a freaking app for screensavers, Heartbreak Valentine screensavers, there is definitely an app for gun lovers. It's called FarmersOnly.com. It's called Christian Mingle. Christian Mingle. Oh, boy. Just kidding. oh boy just kidding it's amazing that this person can say they don't like the first amendment while they're like able to leave a review a negative review of that app on the app store

yeah like under their app like that that's ridiculous i wonder i'm sure someone just reported their photo, right? Like there's... Yeah, and maybe that's part of their policy. I don't even know, but there's probably some sort of report. Why would you put a picture of you holding a gun? Oh my. Whatever. Oh my.

Just go somewhere else. Do something else. This is actually kind of like, I kind of want to get back on there. This is seeming actually kind of fun for me. Maybe when I'm up in Sacramento, check out the Tinder scene. I regret making that really don't say really bad joke okay blaze isn't caught up yet maybe he'll once he catches up it'll be i don't know well by then i'll already be with uh exactly he'll be too late for him uh what's this person duramax oh man i thought it was something fun about guns. Gun fun.

Funny gun. New app coming soon. Funny gunny. I'm trying to come up with a better pun for a dating gun app, and I can't. How about... Show your guns. Sun's out, guns out. Gun show. What about...

Take another little pistol my heart no wow you dug deep for that one i bet you this that same guy has a it's a crossover between janice joplin lovers and and gun nuts okay uh i have a redemption this was actually sent in by a listener. This was sent in by Michael, who says, Hey, Xtine and Alex, I stumbled across the strangest business called Gaslamp Strip Club, which is apparently a steakhouse, not a strip club at all. I had to investigate further on Yelp. Yes, you had to, I'm sure. Glad you did, Michael.

I am very glad. And found this gem of a review I had to share with you. There are tons of other reviews complaining that an establishment dubbed Strip Club doesn't have a kids menu, which I also find hilarious. Hope you enjoy this review and take a deeper look at Gaslamp Strip Club Cook Your Own Steak Steakhouse. That's the full name. Cook Your Own Steak? Correct. That does not seem like a safe business to open.

I wonder if they don't have the license to cook steak. So they're like, here, you do it. B-Y-O-S? B-Y-O-S. Here, I'll light a fire in the middle of the room. You cook your own food. Sincerely, Michael from Chicago, who goes to Home Depot just for the hot dogs. Thank you, Michael.

This is a review left on February 18th of last year. It's five stars. I came here with friends on Valentine's Day and fully thought we were going to a strip club. I had psyched myself up to see some titties, but turns out not that kind of strip club. Just a steakhouse with what I'm certain was the best Valentine's Day deal on the planet. For $45 on Valentine's Day, you get your choice of top shelf beverage, a big salad, a monster-sized side, and your choice of steak or double lobster. And dessert. The portions were almost unbelievable, they were so generous. My two lobsters were seasoned for the gods, and my friends helped me out by cooking all the stuff for me because I ain't no good at that sort of thing. Neither is the restaurant, apparently, so don't feel bad.

We sat at the bar, and Roger had our every want answered. The booths here are cute and romance-y, but honestly, I'd sit at the bar every time just for Roger. This was my first time ever at a steakhouse of this sort where you cook your own stuff, and it was so cool and has to be the best deal around. End of review. That's funny.

I find it so comforting that someone went hoping to see naked women on Valentine's Day with their buddies and ended up just loving the romantic booths. No, but just what? That part? No. Yes, I agree. But the flip of going there and going, actually, it was so much better.

You'd expect the anger. Anger. You'd expect negativity. The only thing was they didn't have a kid's menu, which obviously you would expect at a place called Gaslight Strip House or whatever the hell. You'd think. Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm still thinking about that cook your own steak situation that's so weird to me i'm very well i mean this review makes it sound like they're common or like they're they exist i don't know i said it was the first time at this kind of a place so okay yeah but like it i don't know maybe we have korean barbecue where you cook your own steak but it's's like pieces of steak, not like a full T-bone. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's so that people can't leave reviews or send steak back and say, oh, this isn't cooked enough or cooked too much. You sign a waiver, like you're responsible for your own food poisoning.

Yeah, there you go. Love it. If they don't have that, then I don't know. It seems a little weird. Yeah. Okay, you ready for my redemption absolutely this is of a white castle in sunnyside new york oh good we have the same one you're joking no that's hilarious the first thing i looked up was me too is it by grant oh no oh you're closing your computer well because you read it because i

already read one well my friend logan our friend logan um one year yes he's your friend whether you like it or not um our friend logan he went one year like in high school or something yeah to white castle on valentine's day because he was like there was his boyfriend or just like no with a friend oh yeah and then um i think it was with his friend um rachel oh and so they just went because they're like oh that's funny and sure enough it's like a whole thing that was the thing is i looked it up first because i thought oh someone has to complain everyone loves it it's so it seems like such a fun, wholesome thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone complained about Valentine's Day at Golden Corral, but not at White Castle. Oh, God. You didn't read any Golden, I didn't even think of that. I read some. That's hilarious. Most of them were just like, they were not prepared at all for the number of people. Could you imagine working at Golden Corral?

Period. Period. And then on Valentineentine's day even worse on valentine's day okay anyway let me read grant's five-star review of the white castle of a white castle in sunnyside new york it was the first one i found so i don't remember it one bit so i'm excited it was one of my first two because i looked this up right away also blaze like i said valentine's day and he's like look up white white it's kind of weird that that's the first thing we think of when we think of so baffling to me white castle on valentine's day has been my wife and i's dinner plans for four years straight their one-of-a-kind v-day experience

has to be experienced in order to truly understand how magical it is the workers decorate the entire restaurant and take on being waiters for the evening. Yes, they take orders while you're seated at the table. The staff was super accommodating, even preparing items, quote, well done, so they'd be extra crispy from the fryer. The highlights from the evening include well-done chicken rings, the chicken and waffle sandwich, the original cheese slider, hold the chicken and waffle sandwich, the original cheese slider, and the vanilla shake. In typical White Castle fashion, there was the odd character in the restaurant, a newly married couple where the

guy was self-proclaiming his usage of cocaine. Ah, comforting. Just like the White Castle of my childhood. Doesn't take away from the magical evening. Good work, White Castle Sunnyside. End of review. Oh, it was so nice. They included some photos and it was just such a nice, like, it seemed like such a great experience and like they had so much fun. I know. And they set up like a little photo, at least at some, a little photo booth type thing.

And you can take a photo with your... Oh, that's adorable. It's such a novelty but it's not even a lame novelty like people have fun at the novelty uh also when i was home i was in cincinnati for a few days just now and there was an ad saying how much do you love white castle if we're looking for a couple to get married in a white castle and if you submit your story that you and your significant other love White Castle more than anyone else in the country, then you could win. But then it was like.

Does Logan and Nick know about this? No, we got to call Logan. I know Nick listens. Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick. Listen.

Yeah. I know Logan's going to try and take you for Valentine's Day. See, that's not good enough. You went there with Rachel. I don't want that old, same old experience. Next level, baby. went there with Rachel I don't want that old same old experience next level baby and uh the well the funny thing was I was listening going like oh this must be some like big national thing and it was like at a local white castle in Cincinnati Ohio and I was like really like

it's not even like oh you get to go to the headquarter well I think it is maybe I'm pretty sure but white basically framed it like in the terms and conditions as like this is at a local white castle yeah instead of like you have to get married there all inclusive like experience it's like literally like oh yeah the white castle down the street you want to get married there you know the one you went to drunk two days ago well guess what it's gonna be the most magical day of your life oh gosh so that's that well that was fun thank you everyone for listening to our valentine's episode we will be back with uh normal programming next week with our ireland episode we already picked that so that's nice

we don't have to come up with a new goal and theme so all we got to do is tell people to go watch our uh live show if they haven't yet are we did our we uploaded that to youtube on this past friday nice about that um thank you and then yeah and or you can go listen to that episode we also just released uh between you and us on monday you know a crazy couple days in a busy week i also want to add um that i should have said this in the beginning but uh pref uh preferably you've listened to this episode over candlelight on february 14th and if so please send us a photo and you could win if you are the biggest fan of fiji sandy in the country you could win a

marriage a wedding wedding in our uh podcast room in our podcast. In our pod... Wow. You stay there and we just talk about your beautiful wedding. Getting married. Anyway. Anyway, thank you everyone for listening. Happy Galentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Singles Awareness Day. Happy Singles Awareness Day.

Happy the Women on Tinder Suck Day. Oh, yeah. They're so needy and high maintenance and trains full of issues. Yeah. Enjoy them and catch you in Ireland next week. Bye.