Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager existences fight against the inevitability that is entropy. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome. I thought we were going to talk at the same time. I just let you have it. I kept looking into your eyes and then you would look away from me. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't want to purchase me. Because I'm dreading this episode. Why? Because it was so difficult. I'm sorry. I had a hard time. It was difficult, but that is what makes it fun. Right, everybody? Mm-hmm. Can't you tell by how enthusiastic i am welcome to

beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need oh now i'm just doing the intro i thought i was like i'm so good at that because we haven't done that intro like our intro thing in a while welcome to beach to sandy water to wet where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. And I'm Alex. Welcome. And that's Bernie, way at the beginning. This week, the theme was Tesco's in Dublin, Ireland. That's right. I think this was difficult also.

Yelp is not as popular in other places as it is in the United States. That makes sense. We're learning. I found enough. This is only our second international episode so i i will say i have um learned that people are equally as weird and complain about equally as strange things in other countries so at least we've got that pattern going for us okay yeah so craze exists elsewhere craze exists all over the planet it's good to know um i also had a challenge and it was to find reviews of acting classes where people name dropped famous actors or something yeah it was you look surprisingly different difficult well it's my fault i mean well it's not my fault but

it's i deserve it i deserve it because i think two weeks ago I said, oh yeah, that's going to be easy. And I talked about Taylor Lautner for like five minutes. That's true. Well, this was sent in by Megan, I want to say. I kind of tweaked it. Megan said one star acting class reviews in LA. Thank you, Megan, because those definitely existed. No thank you to you for tweaking it. Hey, Megan's a yelp elite i can't compete with that yeah no you can't um so i guess we have some reviews who wants to go first you know what you go ahead okay this is a two-star review of a tesco also if you don't know what

that is it's kind of like a grocery supermarket type thing yep right i think so aldi is like their competitor yeah and little And Lidl. Lidl. Lidl, Lidl, Lidl. I've been saying that in my head all day. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Although you and I are probably the only ones. Two stars by Kate. I didn't really like this Tesco, but I'm not sure why. I think it's simply because in the midst of lots of cool shops like Top Shop and Lifestyle Sports, there's just a giant grocery store lurking below. That's so ominous. Oh my god.

I know that might sound strange, but it's how I feel. Maybe it's because I associate clothes shopping as fun and exciting, and I associate buying Rice Krispies and butter as a mundane experience. But I just don't know. What don't you know? Why they don't like this Tesco. I don't either. We're not getting any closer to the truth either, you know, as it goes.

Actually, here's another clue. Uh-oh. truth either you know as it goes actually here's another clue i also find it weird that you get an escalator down and one back up i'm sorry i'm sorry this person just needs to like write in a journal or something they're really kind of escalators are they used to ones that only go down and then elevators going up? I don't know. You're right. You did find some crazy over there.

So strange. Okay. I also find it weird that you get an escalator down and one back up with your trolley. Now, granted, it's one of them smooth escalators. A travelator, I believe they're called. I don't think that's... Please tell me you Googled that. that one that's like just flat i think so stairs travel later kate describes it as a long metal treadmill which oh my god yeah i don't travel later travel later a moving walkway typically at an airport so it's like an um a sloped moving walkway that goes up.

Yeah, like we know where you clip your shopping. And you can put your trolley on there. Like at Target, sometimes they have those here. No. Yes. Well, yes, I know they have those where you put your trolley or your cart in the middle. Your trolley.

And then it has its own track. But I think she's picturing it's all flat and you just push it in front of you onto the thing. It's not flat because it's going back upstairs. It is flat. It's just sloped upwards. Oh, sure. That's what I'm picturing.

It is flat, but it's right. It's going up, though. Yes. Okay. I think that's flat at an angle. Yeah, but what if you let go of your, what if you let go of your shopping cart, your trolley? I mean, is it, is it, it depends.

Is it in front of you or behind you? Either way. If it's behind you, it hits the people behind you. If it's in front of you, it hits you. And then you hit the people behind you. Yes. That's fun. Yes.

I'm going to keep going. Okay. I was worried it was over. I know you were. I could see the fear in your eyes. Now, granted, it's one of them smooth escalators, a travelator, I believe they're called. Basically like a long metal treadmill. But I still find it a strange concept.

The supermarket itself is just grand. But the other stuff puts me off. End of review. Weird. That was a weird review. Like the shop, she she's like it's amazing it's grand it's perfect and then but there's a hot or a hot topic a top shop top shop upstairs which just throws off the whole game weird this whole thing is just so i don't know to be so put

off by these things it's just rice krispies and butter i don't think that sounds mundane at all i've been put off by things like probably lesser than that where i'm just like yeah that makes me feel uncomfortable yeah but this one is a new one for me i don't know it's also very clear that she doesn't even know if that's why like she's like that's true she's not like listen i know this is weird but like it really threw me off she's like i don't actually have any idea how i feel about two stars right correct okay if it were three i'd be more like okay but it sucks that it was so negative yeah you know clothes clothes are exciting and butter is just what's what's surprising though is there's a lot of substance in that review like they did

they did talk about the layout they talked about what stores are nearby they talked about what they sell that's true i learned a lot from this compared to the other ones so it's a surprisingly helpful review about a travelator yes so i mean hey if you're like i kind of want to see that then it's a reason to go i do now should we go we should go that's actually our next live show is on that traveling i'm gonna bring some rice krispies oh my god you don't even need to bring them they sell them right there i'm such an idiot oh man okay my my first one is of a tesco extra i didn't know what the difference between all of these were i saw tesco extra tesco metro tesco superstore and tesco uh express that's the only one I saw.

I have reviews of each one. I saw Tesco Ireland. I saw Tesco and I saw Tesco Express, but I didn't see all these other ones. However, someone did say they recently changed the name to Tesco Metro. What? Trying to be more American? Smiley face. And then they said, I wouldn't know about that.

Wink face with the tongue sticking out. Wow. You really remember with the tongue sticking out. Wow. You really remember that one. I did. Is metro considered an American term? Maybe. Take the metro. I don't know.

I mean, that's what you do in D.C. I guess so, yeah. The capital of this fine nation. Metropolitan transportation, you know, kind of thing. Yeah, sure. I guess because we're just so metropolitan here. Whatever. I would say so.

Jealous Irish. Just full of travelators all over the place. Okay, so here is a Tesco Extra review by Rich. One star. The petrol station feels like it should be in the middle of nowhere. On some desert road in middle America. Nothing works and even using the car pump costs a minimum of 50 cent end of review how dare you insulting middle america is a grand place

oh that's sad wait why just i don't know abandoned it's it made it like nothing works is what they said oh just like it's so run down i would say they take their suburban shopping experience to the next level yeah so but they're talking about gas so sure like gas stations well have you ever been to a flying jay yes i have or a pilot i mean i love pilot pilot used to be my shit level i. I do miss Pilot. Yes, thank you. That was Circle K. Proves my point. You know the first Circle K I ever went to? Where it was?

No, you're looking at me like I should know this. It was in Lithuania. Oh, what? I know. I'd never been to one. And then I see one there and I'm like, wait. You're fucking taking away from my Middle America point. What's the one that has all the sandwiches that you can order on a touchscreen?

That's like an East Coast thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah fucking they're getting mad at us right now new jersey people or whatever no not that one oh maybe that one what not wawa oh not wawa no no no no not bucky sheets sheets does that yeah that's the one that blazes aunt lisa is obsessed with all right so to all you irish people listening in um are you happy we're talking mostly about american gas this is a podcast convenience store chains don't know what else to do but talk about ourselves so sorry about that and middle america equals us i was gonna say that had nothing to do with us okay my turn i think so okay this is a two-star review by Brian. Two stars given for four chocolate sprinkled donuts for a euro. Three stars removed for accelerating the capitalist entropy.

End of review. Does that come out to negative one? They say two stars and then three taken away? Yeah, you're right. You can't do that. We know that by now. You can't give negative stars even if you wanted to. You sound like a capitalist pig.

Something about entropy. Entropy. That's one of my favorite words. Why? Because I think it's a cool word. Everything goes through entropy. It's Christiana. I wrote a poem about it.

Yeah. Oh, I was going to say, is it this this yelp review was that the poem you wrote yes um two stars for for the donuts three removed so you're right we it has become a really false math equation because it it did have two stars in the final yes yeah uh weird i mean you understand what they're saying right now i kind of do like it's two stars so they're saying but i didn't give them full five stars so they should have said five stars for the donuts three removed correct because of capitalism or whatever capitalistic entropy sure yeah yeah uh-huh you wanted to explain that to us what they what they mean by that you brought this to the table.

You've got to tell us all about it. Okay, entropy is the idea that everything... Goes through entropy. Yes. That everything decays, everything ends up falling apart. Everything. No matter how brand new it is, no matter how humans, items, the world, everything just goes through decay, basically. It's like that poem, Ozymandias.

Oh. That's the one that I wrote when I was in 10th grade. Yeah. I told you. Yeah. And so capitalist entropy, I guess the idea is that capitalism is eroding this great world of ours. Okay, yeah. That was a very good analysis.

Thank you. Much better than what I would be able to do. I know, your eyes are gleaming with cruelty. No, I was like, I don't even know where to begin with this. Entropy I learned in physics from Mr. Powers. Oh, cool. However, a big giant projector pole had swung into his head twice during that year, so I think who knows. Who knows how accurate that was?

Yeah, I'm not really totally sure. I'm taking your word for it. It's one of my favorite words. And I'm going to be really fucking annoyed if people write in to us about fucking entropy and correcting you because I don't want to hear it. Okay, here. Gradual decline into disorder. What the hell are you? It's really a depressing idea,

but the point is basically everything kind of goes through it. I mean, there's also... Even Tesco's? Also, there's a lot of science-y things that all entropy also pertains to which i'm not going to get into but that's the definition i recall thank you thank you mr powers you're welcome okay my next one is of a tesco metro by zephyr one star absolutely avoid the cashier christine at any cost very rude and disdainful i never been served that way in a tesco end of review i'm so sorry yeah you should be i'm so sorry that's what i resorted to finding your name

and being like i don't care what it says i'm putting it in rude i feel so bad people are giving my name a bad name you know christine what name are they giving it that rudeness okay i you know you know what christine really means christ like follower of christ thanks mom and dad for that where did they go wrong where could they have possibly gone wrong who's to say i think the entropy thing might have something to do with it probably uh but yeah so christine you know what our last name means slate very exciting i always lie and tell people it means shepherd because that's what schaefer means but it's not if you supposedly supposedly it's just like a branched off at some point and changed around yeah it's just a big misunderstanding. Misunderstanding. Yeah. This is a one-star review by Patrick.

I was here last week and bought some beef jerky, and they didn't change the beef jerky once. I put a bag that was open at the top, and it's still there. Do you know what that means? I could not figure this out. They didn't change the beef jerky? Bag was open at the top and it's still there?

Oh, I get it. Okay, please. I get it. They were there last week to buy beef jerky. There was a bag hanging or whatever that was open, so they put it at the top to get like a closed bag, presumably. And then they went back the next week and that open bag was still sitting there. So they're saying they didn't change it out, which is kind of disturbing. But there's more to this. Okay.

I was here last week and bought some beef jerky and they didn't change the beef jerky once. I put a bag that was open at the top and it's still there. So much for good service, Tesco. I rate this a one. Also, the beef jerky smelled and tasted stale. The texture was like rubber. And the marinade was like glue. Honestly, disgusting.

D-I-S-C-U-S-T-A-N-G. I went... How? What? How did they put a C in there? D-I-S-C-U-S-T-A-N-G. I know. I recognize that they did.

I'm wondering, like, is there a reason or is there is this an irish thing maybe disgusting i went back with my receipt and asked for a refund and they said no so they are bullshit end of review well sorry they didn't like the beef jerky i did when i saw the texture was like rubber i was like yeah that's kind of the idea okay that's a good point it's kind of the idea the glue part hit or miss i mean questionable sometimes have you ever had vegan jerky of course like made of mushroom or soy i mean i've had it all me too but i i can't get into it it freaks me out a little bit just kind of how like regular beef jerky i love beef jerky i don't eat anymore but i used to love it and the ones i'm trying to find one that i like i have one they're always kind of mushy no what the damaged beef at bodhi thai b-o-d-h-i here in la damaged beef that sounds it's the

most amazing thing it sounds like this guy's thing that he put on the top of the shelf the first time i ate it i thought it was a real deal. Wait, really? We had to ask and make sure it was vegan. I said I'm vegan. It's a vegan place, but we were just like, how is this possible? And kosher. It's amazing.

All right. All right. I'm in. Okay. My next one is of a Tesco Express by Josephine, one star. One member of staff who was there very frequently is really rude. Irish guy. End of review.

Christine? Maybe. But like, could you imagine a review in the US? Wait a second. Where they're like, American guy. That just hit me. Exactly. Like, reviewing a local... Is it because they're extremely xenoph that just hit me exactly like reviewing a local is it because

they're extremely xenophobic and are saying oh you wouldn't even believe it it's an irish guy it's not somebody from another country could be shockingly it's a local could be i don't know that's the only thing that makes sense so weird because we've never seen that in the u.s we've never seen them say some this american guy like like, why would they? It's either, like, this liberal guy or this, like, whatever. But, like, yeah, you wouldn't say, like, you're in Phoenix and you're like, this guy from Arizona is so rude at this coffee shop. Like, what a weird thing to say. You would only say that if it's something unique to the situation. Or if you're racist and have something like, that happens too.

I mean, that is very. And in this case, i don't know why you would say that it didn't even like phase me for a minute and then i was like wait a second we're in that country i mean maybe there's some xenophobia going on is the only guess i have but yikes let's hope not let's hope not but also let's kind of assume maybe yes. So this is my last review before Redemptions. Now, this one was originally listed as a redemption in my book, but I just can't in good conscience keep it in my redemption section.

So although it is a five-star review by Jennifer, I'm going to... You know I hate these. You know i hate these five star negative reviews you love this one different i've changed okay i haven't this is a five star review by jennifer tesco sandy mount is a nice good store There is a few staff there that don't deserve a job. And bring down the store. Like, there is a few girls there. By the way, this is one. I forgot to tell you.

As you can probably guess, there is not one comma. No punctuation. No punctuation. And nothing. So, do with that what you will. Tesco Sandy Mount is a nice, good store. There is a few staff there that doesn't deserve a job. And bring down the down the store like there is a few girls there that are very common and loud and very vulgar. They're not very ladylike at all.

There are a lot of nice staff, but they should choose better who they put on the customer service desk because most of them are not very helpful and are too busy being loud and vulgar like they never had a man in their lives. On the good side, it's well-stocked, clean, and tidy with a very cute security man. Go and check out this cute guy out, but hands off, he is mine. That had all sorts of problematic and troubling behavior. Yeah, slightly. Okay, I want to first off tackle the whole they're vulgar like they've never had a man in their lives yeah like because they're not ladylike is that what men do for women i mean you know my stepmother into shape my stepmother got me the tiffany's book of etiquette when i was

young and uh it told me how to be extremely uh polite as you know she says uh it told me how to be not vulgar and christ-like like your name christ-like follower of christ no it actually did it teach taught me teach me i mean oh my you are just holy shit oh my god right out the window mom just had like just woke up from a nap in pain. The book taught things like if you're on a date and you're eating a piece of gristle in your mouth, what to do with it. Yeah, don't you actually not spit it into your napkin? You put it on your fork or something. Don't you do something like that?

Yes, you put it on your fork and place it on the edge of your plate. Which you taught me because of that fucking book. Because of the book. Thank you. That shit though, like has stuck with me. It's so much little stuff where you're like, oh, that makes sense. Cause this fabric, if it's a fabric napkin, you don't want gristle to fall out when they pick up your napkin. Or if you pick up your napkin and launch it into the air anyway.

So there's a lot of stuff like that. Obviously like where to put silverware. So stupid shit like that has really stuck with me um so maybe that's why i have a husband got it i think is what jennifer's trying to say interesting as you learned about that before that man came into your life and whipped you into shape that is true uh i did have a lot to learn i mean mostly about the past tense versus the present tense since i clearly clearly don't really know how to say teach and taught properly. Yes.

But all things considered, I think it really helped me to not swear and not be vulgar in my current day-to-day life. Yeah. Thank God we have such a clean podcast now. Thank God all those moms didn't write all those reviews about how much we say the F word. Thanks, Ellen. Thanks, Tiffany Book of Etiquette. moms didn't uh write all those reviews about how much we say the f word thanks ellen thanks tiffany book of etiquette i cannot believe i read that whole thing man that's weird yeah yeah um my next one is of a tesco superstore can i say one more thing no it says they are very common and loud and i wonder if that's a way of saying basic common is a an insult oh over there okay like basic sort of um yeah or i think yeah it's like low low class i think is what it would

be i believe there's a lot of like class shit going on in these uh and a lot of these insults i've found my next one is of a tesco superstore by uh i don't know f--A-I-S. Doesn't matter. One star. Great. The worst deli ever. Angry emoji. The deli staff were taking the piss at me. I asked for a chicken roll with taco sauce, and they gave me butter instead of taco sauce. Wasted 25 minutes of my precious time. 25 minutes of my precious time. Then, when they changed it for me,

she gave me very little lettuce in it to show her anger. The worst ever deli staff in all of Tesco. The worst experience ever in a Tesco store. End of review. Oh, God. That one cracked me up. You know when you buy a wrap and there's so little lettuce in it compared to all the meat and the cheese and the sauce? I know because it sends me into a rage.

They're skimping the high quality romaine. Yes. The most expensive thing that they could give you. Right. The most high quality, tasteful, like adds the most to your wrap. So true. I just like, first of all all i love that they gave them butter so funny for some reason i know butter and i but i love how he's like they're taking the piss at me

he's like what the fuck like what did they like it all to him seems so intentional like everything is so intentional she's like i'm gonna put in two wilted leaves of romaine instead of the usual three and a half oh got him got him good oh he's gonna be any by the way they did get him good and that's it worked see that's one of those things that they might actually be doing but then if anyone complains or be like that's ridiculous that i would never do that that's such a weird thing to do to someone seriously and they're like laughing all the way to the bank not that they're getting extra lettuce that they kept yeah with that that's what i meant to say uh-huh yeah lock away that lettuce that's what i always say that is wild people take everything so personally man it's like have you ever thought thought maybe they just don't want to be there? You know.

Or don't feel like you're getting yelled at by you? No, because their time is less precious. Oh, that's true. They did say 25 minutes of precious time. Wow. There's a lot they could have been doing in those 25 minutes. They have to go all the way back up that travelator. Oh, God. That takes probably 45 minutes alone to get to the top. up that travelator oh god that takes us probably 45

minutes seriously it does it does yeah i've heard yeah especially because people go up at the wrong way right that's why they call it a treadmill that's right they start running and they think it's part of the exercise the lifetime sport says upstairs yes but also part of the reason is a lot of people do let go of the shopping carts yes And really everyone just ends up in a pile at the bottom. Got to start all over again. It's a whole Indiana Jones thing going on. It's wild. All right.

I only have redemptions left. Okay. Two of them. Should I read them? Read the first one. Okay. This is a five-star review by Mary. My shopping today was so delightful.

Been home from abroad on holidays and was shopping in Tesco, served by this beautiful young lady, Corey. Wow, so helpful and polite. Packed my shopping. And a right little chatterbox she is. I like that. I know, and Mary's an older woman, and I just love that she's like, oh, I just adored this young woman. That's sweet. And a right little chatterbox she is.

I should bring her back to England and teach a few in my shop a few manners. Oh! I love this so much. That made me happy. Also, no punctuation. You know what? Bet it doesn't matter here.

Doesn't matter. That's pretty positive. What a little, a right little chatterbox. That's precious. All right. I have a two-star review of Tesco Metro by Paul. The staff are amazing.

They come to work each day and put up with the worst self-service tills in the world. They are dedicated and commendable. I, on the other hand, can no longer wait for assistance for no reason i don't want to live my life this way i'm done sorry end of review what i don't know what i don't know what's the number for the police over there zero one, one, two, three. Yes, Kristina. Okay, I'm going to call them and say, check on this fellow. Please, check on Paul. Paul, are you all right? It got really weird at the end there.

It got a little weird. I'm, like, really confused. Oh, yeah? Because it says that they are dedicated and commendable, following it up with I, on the other hand. Which kind of makes it seem like they're saying, I'm not dedicated or commendable following it up with i on the other hand which kind of makes it seem like they're saying i'm not dedicated or commendable so like they won't put up with these self-service tills because they're not dedicated and they're not commendable and therefore they just don't want to live their life that way wow people were so dramatic about the self-service. Oh, my God. I love those things.

Yeah. Don't make me talk to a human, please. Yeah. Even a right little chatterbox. Even even Corey. Beautiful Corey. So young. Beautiful young lady.

I mean, I think Mary already kidnapped her and took her to England. It seems like. Yeah. Or hopefully Corey met that security guard. Oh, you know what? It's possible. However, I think she probably would have gotten beat up by jennifer since true it's jennifer's man true but uh i will say like if mary's taking um cory home to england to teach her co or to teach her tesco a few manners i mean maybe we got a new

a new branding a new uh tiffany book of etiquette branding here to a tesco book of tesco book of branding nope a tesco book of etiquette i'm just agreeing with you because i don't know what's going on you want me to stop talking i know a tesco book of etiquette i think would fly off the shelves of tesco maybe okay Should I just do my last one? Yes. Before your redemption. Do you have any redemptions? Nope. Okay, then you do one more.

This one is of a Tesco Extra by N, one star, but it's a meta review. It has nothing to do with Tesco. Great. Oh, I'm level six. Google reviewers, get a real job. Get a life too much time on your hands

end of review what? to be clear this person is not a level 6 Google reviewer are they being they're being sarcastic

they're mocking yes they're mocking reviewers who are level 6 saying oh I'm level 6 oh hold on and then said Google reviewers get a real job

they're mocking Google reviewers by leaving a Google review. Yes. So that's really, really... Yes. Listen, they're proving their point. Of a Tesco.

Like, just some random Tesco. Like, there's no reason behind this review. I mean, that's quite a punch, though. If they're like, look at me leaving a silly Google review. What a waste of time. And yet here I am. I have a real feeling that no level six Google reviewer saw that review and was like, you know what, N? I might just have to change my ways.

You're right. Yeah. You're right, N. But at level five, it's like, I'm in the clear. Phew. Thank God N didn't call me out. There you go. And then they have to keep from getting to level 6.

Yep. It's a tough world. Tough world. Tough business, the Google review game. Oh, the Google review biz? My God. Careful not to get sucked in. Don't get me started. Alright, I have one more redemption, and this is by Brian.

Five stars. This is the loneliest Tesco in the whole world. You should come at around 5 30 and see all the single 20 to 30 somethings who work in the area plod in here all soggy and morose. It's the end of another unrewarding day and though their dreams and expectations may have been high this morning, tonight they've given way to melancholy and despair. And so they queue up meekly beside one another in their damp overcoats to buy a ready meal for one and two cans of beer.

If I could play Cupid for a day, I would play Cupid here. Then all these young people could pair off, go home, eat chicken korma from a box, get tipsy, and watch Strictly Go Ballroom Dancing together. I love this Tesco because it's easily the most poetic supermarket around. Five stars.

That did not make me feel good. At all. I thought we were going to end on a high note. This is, why? I don't know. You know me. I have, I'm hopeful. This is like a... Jesus Christ. This is like uh jesus christ this is like uh

tell me what is it like it's like those was it in friends the upstairs neighbor who always said like weird poetic depressing shit okay never mind um but i feel like it's like one of those people who write who take everything so seriously and like a very, you know, like kind of like our dad. Everything's very poetic. Even when it's not. Or is it? Or is it?

Maybe I'm just too low brow for this. You know what? I don't want to see the world the way Brian does. That's true. I'm going to be honest. I never got to volume two in that Tiffany book of etiquette, which I'm sure would have explained a lot more about this. I think it's really explored in the Tesco book of etiquette. Oh, that's right.

That's right. I got to go hit one of those up. We got to take that little, what's it called? A termitrack? Travelator. Travelator. We got to take one of those down down down i mean straight to the bottom straight to the bowels of the tesco pick up a copy maybe signed oh by

tesco by christine oh i thought you meant master tesco would have signed it sure yeah that's the special special edition whoa are we done listen i don't know ireland it's been fun can we please okay ireland it's been fun ireland what the hell is that yeah what was that um there's a lot of weirdness happening i mean why i mean we're not there's always a lot of don't say don't ask why we don't want people to write in and tell us why we don't want this guy to write it brian to be like i know why no i've analyzed it no i'm a big creep and i just stand in the corner and analyze all the singles my name is cupid cupid brian you didn't have to say that okay to be fair we don't really have to say anything and we choose to do so anyway against better judgment that's sums up this episode in particular yeah

as two people who live in la we are always trying to get healthier and even though we eat a lot of kale salads and drink green smoothies and all that good stuff we're probably not getting all of the essential nutrients we need on a daily basis and that's where ritual comes in the obsessively researched vitamin for women. Ritual's essentials have the nutrients most of us don't get enough of from food all in their clean, absorbable forms, which means there's no shady additives, there's no ingredients that can do more harm to your body than good, and two easy-to-take capsules provide nine nutrients you need to support a strong foundation for your health. So I've been taking Ritual for over a

year now, and I love telling everyone about it because it is so easy and I feel like it's really changed the game. I've taken a lot of multivitamins in the past that have all sorts of funky aftertastes and I'm not even really sure what they're doing for me, but ritual is easy to take every single morning, has a nice minty flavor, and it comes straight to my door. Yeah, another thing that's nice is it's both traceable and transparent. All of ritual's vegan-friendly, sugar-free, non-GMO, gluten-free, and allergen-free ingredients, and their sources, are out there for the whole world to see. Like I said, Rituals delivered to your door, so a subscription is super easy to start and snooze,

and it's only a dollar a day to have all the essential nutrients your body needs delivered every month with no strings attached. Better health doesn't happen overnight, and right now Ritual is offering our listeners 10% off during your first three months. Fill in the gaps in your diet with essential for women a small step that helps support a healthy foundation for your body visit ritual.com slash beach to start your ritual today that's 10 off during your first three months at ritual.com slash beach my challenge this week was to find reviews of acting classes where people name dropped right

um it was difficult it was a pain in the butt but it kind of made me want to get acting classes oh god these reviews were overwhelmingly positive and i think that was really because a lot of the times they would name drop it was just kind of like it wasn't like in a braggy way it was just like I don't know like I'm so proud to go where Steve Martin kind of yeah that's nice and they were like talking up the teachers like oh it makes sense that they work with such great people because they are such such a great teacher oh there are so many that were so positive who would have thought though for real any of the negative ones i read which is just like one or two um it wasn't indicative of like the overall like oh that's good to know experience of going through these reviews maybe that was a

challenge like a real challenge before i tweaked it even one star reviews yeah it surprisingly was but i found one great this is a one star review of playhouse west in uh i believe it's in north hollywood by paul this one is a long as fuck review and i'm not reading all of it oh thank god oh man how do you give a minus star and gets one star because it won't allow me to not rate it. I audited this place last year, and it is a mockery of an acting class. This does to confidence in acting what the film Hostel did to confidence in backpacking. That's a good point. I know, this person cracked me up. Oh, that's a good point. Maybe they should go to writing class.

I know, right? It seems like acting's not their forte. It actually makes actors worse, demonstrably worse. And so quickly, it sets Guinness World Records. It should be noted that this is my impression of one teacher only. But then, the school repeatedly allows him access to students. So they are equally culpable in my mind. And let me just take a pause and say that this teacher was, according to multiple reviews, problematic and an issue.

Really? Okay. Why is it so destructive? Let me count the ways. One, sycophantic actors who tiptoe around their teacher and call him sir while he calls them by cutesy nicknames. and call him Sir, while he calls them by cutesy nicknames. Was this supposed to endear him to us as auditors, or disempower and infantilize the students to ward off resistance to patently incompetent teaching? 3. Complimenting the girl who arrived at the end of the monologue, 35 minutes in, on, quote,

how great she looks. Um, what about the importance of punctuality? Oh, she's hot. Sweet. The rules are flexible for students in short skirts. Got it. That's really creepy that the teacher spent 35 minutes letting this person talk and then said at the end, you look really good, which means for 35...

No, the teacher gave a 35-minute monologue, and at the end of their monologue, this person came in late, and they complimented them on their looks. Oh, I thought you meant punctuation like in a monologue. No, punctuality, like being punctual. Like in the monologue, you talked about being punctual and stuff. And then the student came late, so it didn't matter. This is what happens when you skip around.

I totally misunderstood this okay okay five the cultivation of the belief that truth can only exist while shouting six it's true though that really actually like got to my heart my core because i shouted it yep just like that guy who shot a beef jerky earlier. Still resonates with me. It's ringing for sure inside of me. The constant insistence to exploit Jeff Goldblum's name when teaching. He would die if he attended this class and knew his name was attached to it. He was, Jeff Goldblum is associated with, or was associated with this acting school. Okay. Fun fact.

There are so many acting schools slash classes slash workshops, et cetera, in LA, and they are all equally affordable. Do not fall for the mentioning of stars names when they wouldn't be seen dead in these classes. It's a lie to take your money and stroke a sad little man's fragile ego. I have no idea who this guy was because he didn't introduce himself to

auditors, but I'm sure from my description you'll know exactly who I'm talking about, should you be foolish enough to darken their doorstep. Happy trails. End of review. Wow. I mean, I will say it is satisfying to me because the reviews are clearly so flowery and dramatic because I'm assuming this is just someone in the entertainment industry trying to pump up their own writing. Writing chops. Chops, yeah, their writing chops. Wow.

Using it to try to take someone down, though. I mean, who maybe deserves it. I was going to say, I don't know if I'm super opposed to that, though. deserves it i was gonna say i don't know if i'm uh super super opposed to that though yeah the other there was another review talking about how like the guy was like verbally abusing all these actors and stuff so yikes so it was a just a bad seeming uh so jeff goldblum we got it it's not it was not about jeff goldblum but yes oh yes no jeff goldblum was mentioned name drop but the person being talked about was not Jeff Goldblum, for the record. Oh my god, I hope not.

It was not. This next one is a three-star review of Young Actors Studio by Orsolio. What would your reaction be if your son-slash-daughter-slash-niece-slash-nephew-slash-etc. decided they wanted to pursue acting at a young age? Would you encourage him-slash- her to join a drama class at school? Perhaps you would even enroll them in an arts high school. Maybe you would actually discourage the path, being a wise adult who knows the nature of the industry. Or maybe you would seek out acting lessons for the child, similar to enrolling them in other extracurriculars such

as music lessons or sports. If you decide to choose the latter and are seeking out acting lessons for your child or teen, Young Actors Studio may be able to help. Located in the North Hollywood Arts District, the first detail to grab my attention, and hold it, was the actual building and vibe itself. Although inconspicuous from the outside, some would even say difficult to find, once you walk inside, the building is buzzing with art and creativity. Like flowing electricity, you can feel it moving, and it can't be denied. Oh god, I think they need to want to go check out their generator. Yeah, something seems off. Aesthetically and environmentally,

it reminded me of the local theaters in the Midwest where I grew up acting in local plays. Young Actors Studio has several winding hallways and staircases, which lead to a number of studios filled with workshops or are rented out to non-acting artistic endeavors. For instance, I had a photo shoot for headshots in one of the studios. The room was spacious, included a few rows of theater-style cushiony chairs, and some room dividers, although I would have liked some more ventilation. The heat was expected. Currently, workshops are available for acting techniques, scene study programs, and professional coaching classes, to name a few. Most of these are on the weekends to support the children's schooling and run about 12 weeks.

One of my complaints? The brochure I grabbed while at the theater has a spelling error in it. As a marketing professional, that is something I cannot let slide, as it results in the business looking highly unprofessional. As an acting course claiming to have taught the likes of Scarlett Johansson and Shia LaBeouf, one would think they can hire a proper copywriter. Other than that, not a bad place to check out if a child close to your heart is bit by the acting bug. End of review. I will say like for a marketing director, quote unquote, there are numerous

grammatical inconsistencies in that review so i don't know if they're in the right position you should have seen some of the commas that they threw in there really that did not belong interesting they got so upset about the fucking typo yeah it's not and use that to name drop shia labeouf and scarlett jones i don't know yeah like do you think that they really went and uh do you think they took their child out for that i don't i don't know. Yeah. Like, do you think that they really went and, uh, do you think they took their child out for that? I don't, I don't know if their child ever went there. I don't think they necessarily have a child.

That was what was so weird about this review. It was like so general. It was a three-star review. So general stating like facts, but not even like kind of like getting their own headshot, but they're not a child. Exactly. acts but not even like kind of like getting their own headshot but they're not a child exactly they were they were in there to get headshots and that's all we know about their personal connection to the place weird it felt it felt really weird reading it because i was just like what is going

on like what what are they saying about it just kind of like trying to get people to like think about things which i'm like why is this yelp review trying to get me to think when i don't even have a child i don't know maybe it's one of those people who just likes to give parenting advice despite having zero of their own parenting or it's someone who has 896 reviews and 1623 photos on yelp and is an elite 2020 well i think they're just on their way to elite and that's all they care about yeah this was written in 2011 so this was nine years before they got that now they're still writing these reviews and wow elite it all began humble beginnings yeah you gotta write

something to get elite status so yep megan knows who suggested this challenge. Okay, this next one is by Christopher, and it's a five-star review of Young Actor Studio. Young Actor Studio. I came out here from Scottsdale, Arizona, wanting to pursue my acting dream. But where'd it go? There's so many fake acting classes and studios that get you nowhere in Los Angeles.

This is not one of them. My dad asked his friend Chad, who worked as the bartender in The Young and the Restless. Oh, Chad. He recommended this place the minute we asked where to go for a legitimate place to act. Oh, boy. I came here a couple weeks ago for the July program. It was so worth it. If you want to expand your technique to a whole nother level,

this is the place. I did the full day and it was amazing. The sensor works is amazing. The teachers know exactly how to work every individual to their full potential. I am coming back next month also. I found a great place to make me a better, stronger actor. So, this seems to be a child

because it's a young actor's studio. Right. And they came from Scottsdale. This guy, Chad, said this, and now they're already, but like, Don't even, don't call him. Hey, don't you dare call him this guy, Chad. Chad was the bartender in The Young and the Restless, so you watch your mouth. But you dare call him this guy chad chad was the bartender

in the young and the restless so you watch your mouth but like immediately this guy throws in that like there are so many fake acting classes and studios that get you nowhere in los angeles but also this is a child who just came from scottsdale arizona but chad is his guru i guess i don't really know and then this for the record, this was under not recommended reviews. Oh. And there was an updated review. Oh. And it's from a different perspective.

Oh, okay. A five-star review written two months later. Wait, how much was the first one? Five stars as well. Oh, okay, okay. So then updated review two months later. Got it. My son wanted to act, so we tried out this place,

and he told me it was the best experience. He seemed very intrigued about the technique they use. I plan to come back here next summer for my son after school gets out. The technique? It meant technique. Okay. I just... Do you want to make sure?

Yeah. I normally don't do that. Normally, I just, like, go with it, but I had... You know, I felt spicy. Spice it up. We have tried many places in the Los Angeles area and this has been the best so far. We drive all the way from Palos Verdes and I drop my son off before I go to work. But it is worth it.

He is looking forward to next year. End of review. So that one alone seemed fine and kind of nice. But the fact that it was coupled with this weird like Scottstsdale arizona like just moved here i don't know and they said that also they've been trying a bunch of different places it seems fishy right it's a fish called chad fish called chad my new hit blockbuster movie only available at blockbuster oh no oh my that was uncomfortable for me thankfully there's only one more thank god every time a child writes a review i get like a little on edge because i'm i know it's weird right i don't know i don't know what's going on i also

like my childhood self i wouldn't want anyone reading what the hell i wrote on the internet yeah but then the dad came in and said a review. It was weird. On the same account, it seemed all fishy, the whole thing. Yeah. Well, this is my last one. This is of Spicer Sturgis Acting Studio. Five stars by Erica.

What can I say? Aaron and Shannon are my absolute favorites. From the moment I audited his class, which was a referral from a fellow East Coaster who mentored me in stand-up comedy and assured me Aaron's studio was the real deal, you never know in this town and I'm very conservative with my funds. That was all in one parenthesis. Okay, I was like, that was quite a run-on sentence. Yeah. From tech class to now entering into the master's class, I've been able to feel myself as an actor and human being transform into a much more confident and free being.

He and Shannon are so fantastic at teaching the craft that my previous employer... Whoa, you're back in Ireland. What happened? You'll see in a sec why I did that. I'm like getting ahead of myself. Oh shit, okay. That was so dumb. Stop reading that Tesco book of manners. He and Shannon are so fantastic at teaching the craft that my previous employer, Miss Paula Abdul,

saw a clip of my acting reel and asked me to please introduce her to him so she could start studying with him also. Regardless of who you are, that's the thing. Everyone is equal. Aaron will not sugarcoat anything. His honesty coupled with his kindness make you dig deeper and really challenge you to grow. He and Shannon are a gift to any actor really willing to go past their comfort zone and, quote, do what you came here for.

Shannon was there for my first major breakthrough, and I'll always appreciate her challenging me with her binder slaps. I don't know what that means. It sounds scary. She pulled out the genius in me, and I never always appreciate her challenging me with her binder slaps. I don't know what that means. It sounds scary. Yeah. She pulled out the genius in me and I never felt more amazing. I just adore them both. I was told by my friend who referred me, quote, you can't go to the Olympics without a coach. I'm so, so, so grateful to have my coaches. Audit, trust me. see you in class winky face or on tv xo break a leg end of review also at the olympics because now i guess i do bobsled racing also just don't break a leg oh well that part you gotta turn down the leg breaking i'm gonna be honest with you if i had to pick any acting class studio to go to it would be that one based on the reviews i read yeah it seemed pretty positive and paula i you know what i do think like if paula read that and saw everyone's equal she'd be like not

not to me but like you guys are all equal i guess yeah it's a nice sentiment yeah it's a nice thought wow that was interesting there was a lot of not interesting in those i know i'm sorry i know you struggled but you found good ones. I found ones. Let me just say that. You found ones? I mean, you always end up finding them. Yeah.

I'm very proud of you. Thank you. It was surprisingly difficult. Yeah. I can see why, though, because I feel like that's a very... It's easy to find boring ones, I would think, amidst all the name dropping. And believe it or not, those were not the most boring ones that I found. Like, I didn't just pick the boring ones, I would think, amidst all the name dropping. And believe it or not, those were not the most boring ones that I found. Like I didn't just pick the boring ones.

No, I'm not saying they're boring. No, I'm telling everyone. I skipped some boring ones and came up with those less boring ones. I thought they were quite thrilling. Thank you. I'm glad you were thrilled. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm glad you're going to take a...

You can write your own review pretty soon, I guess. I still never understood when you made that accent and then you said you'll understand soon. I said, employ a Paula Abdul. Oh, I thought we were going to get into, and their work with my accent training has been, uh. It was a total just like slip of the tongue. Paula, employ a Paula Abdul. Okay. I get it now. Beautifully done. Thank you. I'm tired from that now. Beautifully done. Thank you.

I'm tired from that one. Took it all out of you. It was not thrilling to me. But tell us what our theme is for

next week. Sure. Here it is. Once you pause it and come up with one. Okay, your theme and my

theme for next week is we're moving to the homeland. We're moving to Germanyany moving to berlin where did you live there i did live there i also lived there not at the same time obviously can you imagine yeah we live together remember yeah hello no different times uh so okay berlin is our next theme um maybe this will finally get all of our relatives to hop on board is that what we want no maybe not i think we say too much stupid shit i

don't need my cousins to judge me we probably talk about them too more than we remember well we did talk about our trip over there in the castle and everything true true true maybe we had that weird video maybe let's keep it on the dl true. True. Good point. So we're going to Berlin and the theme is nightclubs in Berlin. I have a lot to say about that. There are a lot. Just kidding. I don't. I was lame.

I've been to a lot, but not like to go clubbing more like my cousin. During the day, like on like day tours of them. Like, oh, is that what the nightlife is like? I'm not going to go, but I'd love to go. A coffee shop. Oh, no. No, it was like places where my cousin benedict would be like let's just like hop in and grab a drink and we would and i was like

where the there was there's one where they had like these like really realistic looking aliens that they had put in cages and they just like put them all in the walls and it was like in a cellar that's where i did my internship. I was one of those aliens. You were one of those aliens. Duh. It's all about German culture. Yeah. Berlin is a really weird town. Like, really weird. It's like in Germany, the black sheep of Germany, I would say.

I think so, too. And there's a lot going on there. And especially when it comes to nightlife there's a famous place called i forget bear gain i think it's pronounced um and it's it's like really really infamous uh a lot of times i mentioned berlin and people ask me specifically about that place really i don't know anything about it nor has anyone asked me about it okay well i'm gonna tell you about it in the beginning i want to have some time to explain it but i did not go but i do know banada has been and there is a lot happening there okay i'm nervous yeah you should be i'm

nervous just my hands are sweating just think about it oh jesus okay all right so that's that what's my challenge your challenge um well morgan good old morgan wrote us. Their girlfriend's dad loves you're never going to guess what it is. Me. Nope. Oh. Hospital cafeteria food. That is fun. So it got them thinking

how about a challenge where you have to find a hospital review that is based solely on the food. And then they said, thank you for providing us constant laughs and entertainment. Well, thank you, Morgan,

for providing the laughs for next episode because this challenge is fantastic. I love it a lot. And honestly, like I know I bring this up a lot and I'm so sorry if I'm just overbearing about it.

But whenever I go to Remicade, I don't eat. I get free lunch. And so I'm such a cheapskate that like I'll just wait and get my free lunch there. And I get so excited. And it's just like a tuna sandwich because I don't eat like, you know, meat, deli meat anymore. So I'm like, it's either an egg salad sandwich or a tuna salad sandwich.

I always get a sandwich, some Oreos and a Coke. And it's my favorite thing. I get so excited for my free sandwich and um i put a little mustard on there is it do you think it's anything like an airplane where if you tell them you're vegan you get a special like extra good meal like that's what it was so fun about traveling being vegan like if you yeah big airline they gave you these nice meals you got it before everyone else and you're like oh this is actually pretty good i always put the vegetarian in there and um it doesn't recently it hasn't seemed to be that much better uh than everyone else's but uh this like you can't really do a pre-request because basically they just walk around with

like a cart and if you can't eat it got it if they're out of tuna and you're like well then i don't get a sandwich okay but um it is very weirdly exciting for me and i think part of the problem is when i was in the hospital for like several days i was forbidden from eating food i could only eat yeah ice chips and they would hadn't i had an iv and they would just like put fluids in me but i wasn't allowed to eat solid food so that first food that you got wasn't probably incredible it was like every time they walked by with that freaking cart of like jello i was allowed to eat clear jello which by the way don't ever eat that um they would walk by with like a cart of like all the jellos and the sandwiches and pieces of cake brownies my god that's gross i know but i was so desperately and sometimes i would try to trick them like no no

they said i could eat like one oreo and they were like that's not that's not how doctor's orders work but okay um and then one time alexander and i think it was brandon or somebody like and alex alex his sister they like came and visited and they brought uh i asked for goldfish and so they brought goldfish and brandon was like i don't know if you should eat this and i was like i want to eat them and then when they left i felt so guilty I ate one and I it took me like I like nibbled on it for one entire goldfish and then for the rest of the day I felt so guilty like someone would find out I ate one goldfish and we I remember we were standing there texting all three of us were texting each other about where we were gonna go to eat because we didn't want to say it out loud these dumbos think that I'm fucking stupid and I'm laying there in bed and I'm like they're all glancing up at each other and their phones are buzzing back and forth and

i'm like are you guys texting with me sitting here in the room trying to talk to you and then it turns out they were planning on their five guys visit they were going to after the hospital i was like are you kidding me whoopsies i'm sitting here nibbling on one goldfish and crying and they're like oh well i'm gonna get this, I want a double bacon cheeseburger. I'm like, I swear to God. Well, at least this challenge hits home to you and you'll exceed all of our expectations, I'm sure. Yeah, what the fuck, Morgan?

At least your dad and I are on the same page. Morgan's girlfriend's dad. Oh, Morgan's girlfriend's dad and I are on the same. I always knew we would be, though. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, thanks everyone for listening to all that nonsense. I'm sure there's going to be more of it next week.

So sorry about that. Can't wait, though. Please. Hopefully you can't either. Please, if you can, leave us a review on iTunes. After I mentioned that last time, we got a lot more. So I'm really, really. Oh, cute.

I know. I'm really amped about. After I mentioned that last time, we got a lot more. So I'm really, really... Oh, cute. I know. Thanks, guys. I'm really amped about that. I appreciate that. And it really helps us get in some little listicles and things, which helps people find us and helps us build out more time to do more shows. And find more people to listen. And find more people to send us good ideas.

And write more reviews. We run out of them. Right. The cycle continues. Oh, please. It spirals down. Let it never end. Much like a Tescalator or whatever. to send us good ideas and write more reviews we run out of them right the cycle continues oh please spirals let it never end much like a tescalator whatever the oh a tescalator sinner why did you say it like that i don't know tesco and then tescalator oh i was like i that was a lifetime ago that we're reading tesco later uh anyway much like a tescalator we're all

spiraling downward the shopping carts are just knocking us down to the bottom into a big pile. Are you Brian, the poet? Jesus Christ. It's all about corporate entropy. Oh, no. All right, everyone. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you next week.

Talk soon. See you in Germany. Bye.