Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany

Episode Date: February 26, 2020

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we'd honestly rather if you just skip this one... As for the rest of you, sit your bare bottoms down and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, sirkoto51, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Alex. I'm Christine. My ears hurt. That was intense, huh?

So loud. Hi, everybody. We're back at you with a special, special episode with a special announcement. We are going to be live in Los Angeles. Like, real deal this time, yo. I mean, it was real deal. When we were in New York, it was real, but this one is also very real. This one is like our first... No holograms, I swear. Okay, well, we can't fully promise that.

Okay. But, no, this one is like our first like just us doing it nobody else is kind of sponsoring it or putting it on so it's going to be like all us and we want to prove ourselves so please buy tickets uh you can find them at bit.ly slash nope just tell me what to do i don't know you can find them at beach to sandy.com slash tour that's right I almost forgot it. That's the better one. Yeah.

Or just like go to our website and scroll down like two clicks. Yeah. So we're trying, if we do well selling tickets to this show, basically it means that we have better chances of doing shows in other cities. And our New York show was so much fun. And like it works so well as a live show because we basically just do local reviews, which is like so much fun to do. And it's going to be great to do LA ones because we're very familiar with la and we have ideas already of what

we want to read so and i think there's so much fun like compared to my murder show is a very unique setup in that like people can go and still enjoy the concept without like having heard the podcast i know that seems like a brag but like people at spotify were like oh this is fun even though i don't listen to podcasts or whatever it may be it's um so we figured out a relatable idea somehow we're so relatable pulled it out of nowhere to all the teens out there yep so bring all your friends um maybe go to your local starbucks ask the baristas if they want to join because anyone who works in some sort of service industry. Sure. Go to the express, ask the cashier what she's doing Saturday. Um, anyway,

so please come where it's going to be really fun. It's in May, uh, May 10th. May. Oh yeah. We should probably say that on a Sunday. I know that it's mother's day.

Bring your mom. It is mother's day. So say to your, if you are a mother or even if you're not a mother, say, Hey, I want this as a gift for mother's day. I want, I need it. Tickets. Um, tickets are like 20 bucks. even if you're not a mother, say, hey, I want this as a gift for Mother's Day. I need it.

Tickets. Tickets are like 20 bucks. Yeah, they're cheap tickets. You know, Em Schultz might make an appearance. We are not, we're willing to stoop low and say, hey, celebrity guests in the audience. Yeah. I think, who was it? I think it was Matt Damon who said he might be there.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. But most importantly, Em is going to be there. It it is matt damone the one who works at starbucks sorry okay um oh my god anyway it's gonna be lots of fun please come dynasty typewriter may 10th 2020 7 p.m or something maybe eight i don't remember beach to sandy.com slash tour yay anyway this uh week for all the people who are not going to come because you're jerks we are going to do an episode for you anyway the theme is nightclubs in berlin berlin berlin oh my gosh it's uh a wild world out there especially in berlin it is insane berlin is known for its nightclubs. Yes. And a lot of people have problems with that.

A lot of people have the same problem. Yeah. There were a lot of similar unfunny complaints that were just downright sad. The amount of people that are rejected from Berlin nightclubs could probably fit into an entire nation. Oh, yeah. They're their own country. Ridiculous. For sure. probably fit into an entire nation like oh yeah they're their own country ridiculous for sure i it took me so many reviews to read through before i found five total yeah that worked for the show

same um so that being said we did go through a lot so we found some good ones for you i do want to oh and my challenge by the way which was really fun uh was to find a hospital review based solely on the food and that was sent in by Morgan. Thanks, Morgan. Because their girlfriend's dad loves cafeteria food, which, by the way, a lot of people do. Okay. A lot.

Awesome. A lot of people do. I mean, you mentioned that last episode, that that was something you always look forward to. That's true. Yeah. And it's like just a fucking tuna sandwich and Oreos. And we know you.

You have a really good taste, expensive taste. Refined palate. Refined palate. Oh my gosh. Is what I like to say. Yeah. I mean, you go to the hospital to kind of like clear your palate for your next five-star meal. It is a cleanser before I go to a sushi, what's it called? Sushi? Sugarfish. I'm trying to think of fancy restaurants and i can't yeah because you haven't

been to any correct uh i do want to put a little note out there about i pronounced it wrong last time berghain bear kind baghain yeah can i tell you about it yeah okay because i remember i mentioned i said i would give a little something like bear something so bear kind has its own wikipedia page it's extremely famous and um when I was living in Berlin, my cousin offered to take me, but I chickened out. And here's why. I'm going to read the description. It's abridged. Berghain has become associated with decadence and hedonism. A 2006 New Zealand Herald article describes people openly indulging in sexual acts inside the club, with the building at the time containing several dark rooms specifically set aside for such activity.

The Guardian writer Helen Pidd stated in a 2008 article, Walk past the booths on the ground floor and you're sure to see a bare bottom or ten. Love it. That is my kind of journalist photography is strictly forbidden inside berghain and no mirrors or reflecting surfaces can be found anywhere in the club berghain is also renowned for its lengthy opening hours as pid wrote in 2008 no one arrives before 4 a.m and most stay until well past tea time so well you can see why i was uh not quite fitting into the cool crowd that

goes there i am so upset that i never went i will say i'm shocked the part that that's not even the part that intimidated me i was like okay sure i can get down with that but here's the part how to get in that's the scariest part because like we said it's really hard to get into berlin nightclubs and this one is like the most famous famously like difficult one to get into for no apparent reason so the bouncer is extremely famous his name is sven marquart he has run security at the club since it first opened and um while not working the door he is a distinguished photographer who has published three art books and a memoir and he may be the only bouncer in the world who has also done a menswear collaboration with Hugo Boss. So he decides he gets in.

It's super subjective. There are, like, tips online. Like, wear a T-shirt. Nothing fancy. You can't be too young. You can't be too old. You have to be gay, but not too gay. Don't ever speak English.

Yada, yada, yada. And then it's not even a guarantee because then you show up usually not everyone in your group gets in so benedette was saying like if we go like you might end up alone in there and that's why i was like no thanks no no that sounds terrible and um last thing real quick benedette was like my mom in a great way like she took such good care of me when i was living in essence she was like our little uh I was so lost and so terrible, like just miserable. She tried to take me to this place. I mean, she didn't offer anything like that, probably because she knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Maybe. But she definitely took good care of me. Also, I will say those rumored to have been rejected include Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Florence Welch, Jake Gyllenhaal, and the DJ and producer Felix de Housecat. By contrast, the actress Claire Danes has been there lots of times and loves the place. And there's like a website that I found that's called BerghainTrainer.com. And it has a virtual Sven that you can practice. I love it. And it's terrifying because I like opened the site and it was like, you must allow access to your camera so we can analyze your body language.

And I went, never mind. Jesus. Okay. Yeah. I'm good. Just to give you a heads up. I'm glad you gave that context. Before I read the reviews that I have of that place.

Do you have any? Yeah. Oh, you have this place? Oh, great. So you go first. Okay. Okay. It's not as, not nearly as exciting as that whole description you read.

Like, that is enough for, like, a lot of good content. I would pay such good money to see Paris Hilton not get into a nightclub. I know, I know, I love that. I love that. That's funny. Alright, so here's my review of Berghain by Resolution. One star. Bumped into Solomon, who spent all night, quote, borrowing cigarettes, and talking about the origins of business techno. End of review.

I don't know who Solomon is, but... You don't? Sounds interesting to me. You don't know Solomon? No. You're not friends with Solomon? No, what did he tell you about the origins of business techno please much like friends with dorothy but like the german version got it um yeah the origins are very interesting yeah business techno i don't even know what that

means you should go to backhandtrainer.com there's all sorts of information for you about we know our mom loves some techno our mother loves techno and used to like do weird dances to it like she would put the convertible roof down and blast stand on the seat and dance it was horrifying blast a tiesto um cassette tape that she had in her little volkswagen and i'm like soon reaching that age that she was when we were that is weird i know and so i'm like i can't even fathom standing up like i i don't know how she did it she's she's a fun lady no shame um okay so i have a review of back kind actually i have four but i'll read the first one this is a one star review by q until such time as these bastards let me in i am giving them one star we queued for an hour at

7 a.m and got turned away at the last in a group of two people and the worst thing it makes me want to go back even more that is unique i don't think i saw anything like that oh it's so sad wow it's it's like a freaking it's like a mecca or something for these people. Yeah, it's like a exclusive social club. Like if you can say that you've made it, it sounds like that's enough. There was a whole article called like people who didn't make it in. And they just had like portraits of all these people. And then they guessed why they didn't get let in.

That's hilarious. I was like, oh my god. That could be its own freaking podcast. Some were like because i'm uh asian and then some people were like because i'm white and that's if you're like because i'm this because i'm that and i'm like okay clearly there's no discernible pattern at least from this i truly read every single possible reason in all of these reviews no women no men no gay people no straight people it's like you can't yeah there's no discernible pattern too many clothes not like not enough clothes and i think

they intentionally do that because they're like well we don't want like a rule system we just want to like arbitrarily make people guess and the number of people shouting about how fascist they were yes and they're like this is germany shouldn't you have learned by now not to act that way and it's like whoa you're the one making these comparisons it's a nightclub the number of white men who said that where I was like wait what are you talking about who's oh my god this is horrifying I didn't keep the read but somebody literally said I now know how the Jews felt and I feel oh fuck literally said I feel really bad for them and I went oh oh dear god who taught you that is one of those things where you're like who raised you well at least they realized it now but that is not how it should

have happened no no no absolutely wrong path that's fucked okay wow your turn this is why this was difficult yeah what this was difficult all right but my next one is of sisyphus night club oh i went there i mean no i'm in this oh really because christina this one was freaking gross what they did there really i'm just kidding oh probably some of them said i don't know some of them had remember how i mentioned aliens in the bar oh yeah yeah some of them mentioned that and then i realized it wasn't even the same place oh really i'm like how many places have like no fake aliens and the number of like like sex clubs a lot of sex clubs and i'd be reading reviews and they'd be like fairly normal one star reviews.

And then suddenly I'd be like, wait, wait, wait, what happens at this place? The drinks are watered down and also. And by the way. Don't look left. Yeah. But thankfully there are plenty of places to like switch out condoms. I'm serious. That was like one of those things.

Yeah, no. It was a lot. Okay. Anyway. I'm such a squirt. Sisyphus nightclub. Such a squirt. By Matthew One Star. Last night at Sisyphus could be compared to my first sexual experience. Oh, I waited for it for so long, but it ended before I could get in. End of review. That sounds pretty clever. That sounds like that one journalist about 10 butts.

What? You know the journalist who said a butter 10? Oh, yes, a butter 10. These are some, like, clever writers here. At least that, you know? At least it's not all negative. Before I could get in. Yikes.

Okay. They're self-aware. Yep. They are clever. A little self-deprecating. That's more than you can say about most reviews we read. Correct. Correct. The grammar is correct. Wow. Yes, that is true too. Incredible. I have a review here by Danny who has a lot to say about the nature of discrimination that goes on. If you want to go here and are a gay man on his own, you will not be allowed in no matter how attractive you are. I was turned away. And then I stood and watched the door policy. Hot guys by themselves got turned away.

And average guys with average girls got let in. Is this what the nightlife scene in Berlin has become? This is what Google says is the best party on a Friday night and they let trash in and reject gorgeous people. I am very confused. Hey, I'm fine with me not getting in. Obviously you're not. That part got me good. Hey, I'm fine with me not getting in, but I watched tons of other people get turned away and they were hot. This place is stupid as fuck, lol. End of review. Why don't you just talk to the people that were getting turned away and be like, oh, make your own party.

Truly. Doesn't that mean you're super hot? Why would you want to go in there if it's full of trash? Wouldn't that mean you're also trash? Yes. Danny just wants to be a part of the trash yeah and he just is too hot for his own good it must be hard though for him you know like i've had experiences like that just knowing that about myself it's tough to be turned away for how good you look. Yeah. And you know what's tougher? It's to stay this humble. Okay. Stop it. I have one more of Sisyphus' nightclub.

This is by Axel. One star. Sisyphus. More like syphilis. Oh. You can't go in. End of review. Wait, so... I know, I know.

You think that he's gonna, like, make some sort of comparison to syphilis and then just say, you can't go in. Hopefully that means he doesn't have syphilis. That's pretty good. You'd hope so. Yeah. He and that other guy seem to have a similar experience, so maybe they should hang out. I just, you know how much I like these. Oh, they're the best. Play on word ones.

Oh, they're the best this one was the least clever one ever because he just came up with a word that has a negative connotation and then had no actual basis for using it and didn't even go to the place which is like nice try yeah you know he probably came up with that before and then when he didn't get in he's like shit should i still write that hilarious yelp review i've planned um okay i have a one-star review by jay i wish i had four hands so it's a new sentence i don't think anyone has ever said that before do you know where it's going um do i want to know are they gonna write you could see a butt or four no are they gonna write you could see a butt or four no i didn't even think about it in that context i wish i had four hands so i could give this place four thumbs down wow that's new for us that's original place didn't let us in on a Sunday because we didn't have the look.

Which I'm like, if you have four hands, you're probably not part of the usual crowd. Are you sure this isn't a place with aliens? And so the aliens had four hands and he's like, oh, I didn't have four hands. Otherwise I would have gotten in. Four hands are too hot. Too hot for this club. So many other great options. Don't go here where they judge you and promote a fake live free culture.

Just disgusting. Oh, geez. Yeah. I did. I did like that. All these people like that. I read that complained about not getting in, said, I'm going to stick with these clubs. Yeah.

It's like, then just do it. Yeah. And also there was one one place that responded to all of those and said, have fun over there. Enjoy your time. This is exactly what we wanted. This isn't the right fit for you. That's okay.

Move on. There was a funny one on Yelp that was like, if you are here reading my one-star review, do not go to this club because you clearly have no understanding of what you're getting into. Because if you're on Yelp preparing yourself, this is not the place for you. And I was like's a good that is a very good point i actually like that good looking out because that's the kind of person i am i read yelp reviews of like the average i don't know like restaurant just to check on details like parking and um what vegan options

like how hot you have to be to get in. Yes. Well, that's not really a concern for me. I understand why you would need to look that up. That's a filter I had to have added to my Yelp. Of course. But I look up the dumbest things just to make sure that I will be mentally okay going there. Oh, yes. So these kinds of places, yeah, out of the question. No doubt I would never step foot in there.

Like Yelp was definitely created. I feel like Yelp was created for people with anxiety to, like, see the reviews, and then the people who write them are, like, a whole different breed. Yeah, that is the useful thing. I do believe that these reviews can be very useful. Like, for me, extremely useful. Not so much these. No, not the ones we read, but generally.

Like, the positive, constructive ones. Right. All right, so that's four hands your turn okay my next one is uh void club by stefan oh stefan oh my god stefan found the right club yeah it's that thing of like you know nope never mind no i don't want to know what is it do you know what i'm talking about yeah from snl oh. Where he goes, is that thing of like when... Oh. He always says that. Never mind.

I haven't watched them in a while. Clearly, I'm not as funny as Stefan. Okay. Okay, this is one star. Void Club? More like, avoid this club. End of review. How many of these people are living in Germany?

You know what? It's kind of bad that these are my go-to. Actually... When I see these, I'm like, short and sweet. I love it. It's starting to make a lot of sense, though, that we are related to this fucking country. I think it's starting to make a whole lot more sense why we're drawn to this kind of review. The owner responded as well.

They said, thank you very much. What a response. What a grown-up response. What a mature response. I would have tried to come up with some stupid pun and it wouldn't have been very spicy they probably thought oh fun t-shirt idea great honestly we don't have to pay you um what was i gonna say oh that's okay i don't want to know next hopefully your next review we'll get it over with i know what is wrong with you i'm sassy today i know what it is um the stefan what's wrong with me oh speaking of stuff yeah well that we'll talk about that later in family therapy um

could you imagine if we started doing that again again right oh guys oh i'm sweating now thinking about much to learn about us okay uh stefan the the character obviously played by bill hater on snl did you know that um john malaney, created it, and then would change it last minute? One of my favorite fun facts. So that Bill Hader wouldn't know what he was about to read. Yes. Mine too. I told Allie about that like two weeks ago.

Okay, well, just so you guys know, Bill Hader would not, he would practice different lines and then John Mulaney would switch out like terms or words. And then so when he, that's why he broke every time he read them. Yeah. Because like he wasn't expecting it. So freaking funny. It's one of my favorite sketches of all time. I love both of them so much. This is a one star by Devin.

This is my last of Berkheim. Can't accurately rate this establishment because I didn't get in because I am not a weirdo with a safety pin in my nose. I am not on drugs or I am not a weirdo with a safety pin in my nose. I am not on drugs or I am not a homosexual. The only way you get into this place is based on your outward appearance. It has nothing to do with who you truly are as a person. So don't get it twisted. End of review.

Could you imagine if every person in there looked like that description? Like exactly the same. looked like that description like exactly the same can you imagine if everybody got in based on their internal who they are as a true person that's true that's even worse like a buzzfeed why do you think that bouncer's so good yeah he does like from always sunny ocular pat down he knows everything about them yeah uh basically hilariously awful this guy needs to find a bar where you really get in with, depending on who you are as a person, not a homosexual, God forbid. Oh my God. You wouldn't want to be that as a person.

So, you know, don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted, you guys. Yep. Okay. So I have one more review. This is a four star review, but it is not a redemption. I don't think, I think it's, it's very, I'm good at those. Let's just say someone had some sort of existential crisis.

Yeah. This is the kind of thing that I usually do to you. So I'm excited. Okay. This is a review of red rose club. Um, no name, four stars. And you'll find out what kind of place this is. I'm not going to give you any context.

You'll find out as we go. Oh, great. I was really pleased with my visit here. I felt like the vibe was very comfortable. People were kind. I had a very positive vibe from all the folks here, including the bartender who was kind enough to explain to me in plain English

with a kind and educational tone, about what the establishment was, how it worked, etc. I would say the girl I was with was fairly good looking, had a good body and a good face, and was kind. The only thing I had kind of a bit of an issue with was that I was under the impression that the initial fee was for quote, everything, so to speak. Whereas the initial fee is just for the quote, room and the girl. Once you get in there, there's additional charge for quote, services. So I do recommend putting those into clear terms up front, which can also be an issue if they don't speak good English. If you don't, they will not be specific about how much they will charge you for the service and try to run you out of all the cash in your wallet while in the room.

I feel that I learned a clear lesson about the difference between sex and love. And I have to say... Sorry! Sorry, what? I was not expecting that. I just took my breath away. I'm so sorry. Because I'm thinking, oh, I'm also learning a lesson. And then that happened. And I went, that's not the lesson I'm learning. That's why I kept reading.

I'm like, okay, this is like, it seems fairly tame. But then like details started to come out. And I'm like, okay, I need to know where this goes. And then it got wild. It sounds like Sven's memoir. I told you it's existential. Wow. I feel that I learned a clear lesson about the difference between sex and love,

and I have to say that I felt very distant from the girl I was with during the session, as she was somewhat resistant to many of my advances. More than the experience, I feel that I learned an actual lesson itself. Overall, ended up spending about 100 euro for everything, with 60 for room and 40 for services, which were inclusive of a sort of resistant and partially distant session with a girl which included most typical quote bases including touching of breasts hand job oral sex and sex quote doggy style oh my god why are you doing this i mean why are you doing this? I mean... Why are you doing this? I had to. I really, really regret doing this podcast with you.

It's not even over. There's one more paragraph. I quit. When I look back on it, this brothel experience has fully ensured that I will not return to a brothel ever again. What if I was like, it's a brothel? That's what's going on here? The people were kind, but I have to say I felt like I lost much more than was gained

during whatever happened that night. here. The people were kind, but I have to say I felt like I lost much more than was gained during whatever happened that night. It's one thing when a woman controls you for service, but being controlled by your wallet is a hard, hard lesson that I have to say I did not like at all. There is no connection between sex, love, money for me. All separate. It is true that it did feel a bit gross, only due to the lack of connection between me and my brothel partner and her desire to resist advances while asking for more and more money to go along. It's just not worth it. I need to be honest. Left me with a feeling of pit in my stomach and control by someone else who does not care about me, which is not what love is or should be. End of review.

It also leaves me with that same fucking feeling thank you got a pit in your stomach distant like no more love in my life just really empty inside it was that was a very weirdly raw scary review i was like grabbing geo for comfort i was so scared um i don't like that period what did they think was going to happen i don't know if i regret asking this question i'm sure i do but like oh i learned that this wasn't true love what i know what are you talking i don't know um that's a very good question. Also, can you, once again, these are the people where I go, you know, I maybe keep that for your journal because someone can just Google you for a job interview and be like, hmm, now I know that this person has had this, this, and this type of experience in a brothel. And I can't unpicture it i can't

unsee it but at the same time what i liked about it was that it's a four-star review like so it wasn't like too super negative go i'm a libra in the room no and they were like they described a lot of the emotions and feelings they felt and someone who could be interested in going there could read it and actually learn from that experience. Yes. Potentially. I fully understand that on a very, very distant intellectual level. And nothing else.

And that's what I'm known as, a distant intellectual. Who's super hot and can't get into any clubs. Extremely humble. Oh, right. The number one. Number one. Okay. Wow. extremely humble okay oh right the number one yeah number one okay wow well now that you've just like put me into a really dark place mentally um and we now have no listeners left

i'm gonna read another one well this is perfect because that was my last one so i get to relax now and recover from having to read that it's gonna take a while two thousands of people i actually realize i have two more not one more that's fine this is a review. Two thousands of people. I actually realized I have two more, not one more. That's fine. This is a review of a place called Watergate. This is a one-star review by Thomas. I don't know what this is, but this was a verified check-in. So, like, this is real, I think. How do you verify?

I guess, like, location? Yeah, it was, yeah. Okay. Security weren't very nice guys. After giving me a good grope, i was told not to take photos inside they didn't find my drugs though lol thomas thomas uh don't worry they didn't find my drugs though lol nah jk jk drinks are expensive don't get a tequila sunrise they don't make it right Bar staff were rude Asked for a glass of water, not a bottle

And one of the bar men looked like he might cry I laughed at him Thomas is a real winner Music was cool For like the first nothing Sorry, this is so stupid Lame DJ One guy complimented my hat, nice guy Sorry, this is so stupid. Lame DJ.

One guy complimented my hat. Nice guy. Maybe come here for shits and gigs if you have disposable money. Thomas Thomas out. No, that is the most German thing ever. I know for a few. If that guy's actually German. Thomas Thomas out.

Aus. Oh, yeah. Okay. Super cool. Now our cousins definitely aren't listening or they are because you just fucking said your siren call i summoned them yeah uh siren call jesus um so that's that thing that was a thing he did say he was australian though so maybe that explains it okay this is a review of a plate i couldn't i don't think that explains it. Okay. This is a review of a play. I couldn't. I don't think that explains anything. Just so we touch on that.

Now you can continue. Thank you. This is a review. I could not avoid doing this. I had to do it. Of a place called The Pearl. Yes. I didn't see that.

Fuck. I'm so sorry. Now I know where I'm going. This is a one star review by Dwayne. So it was my last night in Berlin, and I actually wanted to check out Bagheim to see what all the hype was about. But after reading reviews about the randomness of getting in, I decided it wasn't worth it. The hotel recommended Pearl instead, said it was a mix of music and different kinds of people. As soon as I walked up to the entrance, the bouncer said I'm not getting in.

There was zero line, just like five people standing around. Perhaps it was the $1,000 Louboutin spiky sneakers that turned him off? Maybe my colorful Robert Graham shirt? Perhaps he's even scared of letting guys he knows he can't toss around into the club. Only he knows, well, maybe management and ownership know too. I ended up at Maxim maxim which is where i went earlier that week and walked right in with no problems end of review god these people are the worst maybe it was the thousand dollar louboutin it was definitely that yes for once

they actually like were pretty spot on and like what didn't get them into the club yeah oh this this guy seems like he's really annoying and uh would just cause problems and i just love when i might not be the best person let's insist on um how much their shoes cost when it's completely irrelevant to anything it's the best kind of person oh i also have a redemption oh that's nice it's of sisyphus oh okay thank goodness syphilis where nobody got in thank goodness because i was feeling really bad for them this really now that you've told me more about sisyphus makes much less sense than it did when i first read it what did i tell you about sisyphus more like syphilis that's all oh i don't know it seems like oh yeah now that you got that context

sex club i don't know here's our five star review by June. My favorite place for some 5 a.m. hummus. End of review. That's hilarious. That's good. They have a late-night menu. That's so funny. And if that's your priority, it's my priority. I mean, shit.

Hummus is always one of my go-tos. If they have good tahini, I am in. Absolutely. Oh, my God. Maybe it's next to the condom changing table or whatever yeah the condom changing table what did you call it i just i think it was like condom changing room that's worse i don't know what's worse no that's what it said was someone literally said there are spaces or like areas to change out condoms i

thought it was like a changing table that wasn't at sy Syphilis, though. Oh, I thought it was. No, I think that was, I don't remember where that was. It was just one of those sex places. I feel bad for dad. Why? Because he listens to the show. Stop listening an hour ago, even though we're not even an hour in. I feel bad for myself because my mother-in-law listens to the show.

Well, that, yeah. That, yeah. I've put us in a weird spot i have no shame there personally personally you're fine i'm good um okay well thank you for that alexander you're so welcome really uh came through with that uh with meeting my meeting my theme suggestion you know what i think I did too. I will say I'm very excited for my challenge from Morgan now. Me too. Because it is very wholesome.

Oh, okay, good. Maybe almost as wholesome as 5 a.m. hummus won my say. Really? Oh, that's a pretty high bar. 5 a.m. hummus is the most, honest to God, the most wholesome thing I've ever heard. Yeah. You know what? I think we have a new t-shirt idea. I'm thinking it, too. And I'm hungry. Anyway, this is a challenge from Morgan, and their girlfriend's dad loves cafeteria food.

And apparently I do, too, so I'm with you. It's funny. i actually prepared a review but it's of how much someone loves brothel food i just did that 5 a.m hummus what more do you need oh fine okay i'll i won't read it thank the lord what if that guy just wrote oh my god i can't did okay i i don't want to address it again because I know we moved past it, but did that person have other reviews of places? See, I take screenshots of these, so I don't have like, yes, 36 reviews. I actually didn't go through them. Okay. Maybe we need to do that at some point. Like a bonus episode just from that person?

No! Maybe, you know what we should do? Is go back and find our favorite reviewers or the wildest ones and just read like a collection of their other reviews. That's a fun idea, actually. Because like there were people I remember so clearly, like that guy with leftist liberal whatever. And then the guy who did all the song about calamari. Oh, my God. Remember him? Red Robin. How could I forget?

Every Red Robin in the state. You are. Yeah, you are like, you just remember these. I have a terrible memory for this shit. I get very attached to them for some reason. It's problematic, I think. It shows. So I had, there's one guy in here actually in the upcoming hospital reviews that I think might make the cut.

Is worthy of that? Yeah. Not this guy yet, but this is a review of Northridge Hospital. It's a five-star review by HL. Oh, by the way, this was to find reviews of hospitals where that are based solely on the cafeteria. In case anyone's wondering. You did

say that, and then we went off on a tangent. Sorry. Well, all I said was that their dad loved cafeteria food. I caused the tangent, so I'm sorry. Northridge Hospital, five stars by HL. Love their cafeteria's clam chowder, chicken quesadilla, and gyro. Oof.

What? Wait, where is this hospital? Northridge? Northridge. They're always quick and friendly there. And they said hospital food is bad. Well, not here. I come here for the food, even when I don't have any business at the hospital, which is a great thing.

End of review. I hope it's not too far out of your way do you know how many people some people go as fam as a family i mean probably healthier than a golden corral trip not that all health the hospital food is healthy i know it's not yeah but you're right there are some that really have like health initiatives and so people go on their lunch, which actually I think makes a whole lot of sense. Also, there's a Seventh Day Adventist church. Apparently they don't have a meat-based diet. And so their vegetarian and vegan options are amazing. Okay, this is based on one review. And so it could be total bullshit that I'm just spewing out.

But apparently that's what I read. I think I found a new church. And by new, I mean just a church because I don't have one right now. Oh, welcome. Just kidding. i mean just a church because i don't have one right now oh welcome just kidding veganism is a church in itself i if you just say no stop stop it this is a one-star review of ucla medical center by david and this is the one that i was saying i think might be worthy of a further in-depth exploration. You want to further explore David's psyche? Correct.

You will, too, after this. One star by David of UCLA Medical Center. I purchased an apple croissant this morning in the hospital cafeteria. After taking a bite of the croissant and finding it empty of apple filling and virtually devoid of apple flavor, I returned and asked to speak with the supervisor on duty. So, wait, why didn't David just go up and tell them? Why did they demand to speak to a supervisor immediately?

Because... Demand to see a supervisor. It is David. I have no idea. Okay. I guess, give me some more context about this David character. This is why we need an in-depth exploration. I expressed my concerns and was met with the cold observation that the apple portion of the croissant was buried in the dough in the bottom of the roll.

There was no concern that I was not pleased with the item and nothing else was offered other than a take it or leave it offer of you don't want it. Frankly, I was offended by the attitude that I was somehow too stupid. Too stupid is spelled T-O, stupid. That I was somehow too stupid to see the inadequate apple content of this croissant. It's just so absurd. At 5 a.m. hummus, we've got inadequate apple, what?

Inadequate apple content. Inadequate apple content inadequate apple content oh geez there was that sounds like a an app like a iphone glitch it's a mouthful but not a mouthful of apple i think i gave that enough time you you liked it so much you just it hurt to laugh so you didn't laugh right i did stop breathing there was no apology or concern that I was not satisfied with my purchase. In all of my 50 plus years, I have never experienced such an immediate lack of concern over my dining experience. In the past, when I have expressed such a complaint, I have received consideration and concern that my experience would be valued. have received consideration and concern that my experience would be valued. I realize that the bottom line caveat in business is buyer beware,

but I feel that my experience was far from equitable. This was an expensive pastry at $2.75, and honestly a poor value given the lack of Apple content. My goodness, based on David's review, I think it's about time someone stood up to him so good on you ucla medical center whatever uh supervisor on duty yes yes westwood prices are higher than average however the french bakery in the village offers far better value for the money with their pastries you can see and taste the fruit this seems to me as an example of cost cutting gone wild until i hear from multiple sources of the food services improvements i will not bother to write many more missives or complaints i simply will not be open to

disappointment end of review wow this was probably honest to god the one of the most dramatic reviews i've ever read about something that's so not dramatic although you are a bit biased due to your absolute hatred of croissants correct i despise croissants and for some reason this is the third time this week this has come up in conversation with people i really it's well there's a very good reason for this one because you pick a review with a croissant in it. That's on you. But I think that that proves how ridiculous I think this is because I personally don't like croissants,

so you'd think I would value a one-star opinion. Someone one-starring a croissant. Sorry, Jeannie really loves to cuddle with Gio when Gio's in the way because it makes Gio leave. Well, patrons, look for a photo on Patreon. We got some great content of a cat and a dog on a couch. Isn't that what you all want to pay for? No, all I'm saying is an expensive pastry, $2.75.

That was insane. Especially in Westwood. Westwood is a very pricey part of Los Angeles. Also, it's in a hospital. Why are you demanding to speak to the supervisor about the lack of Apple content in your croissant? Anyway, I hate croissants. If you're wondering, it's because my stepmother one time took me to a croissant party. It is!

You're going to need to provide more context than that. If you're going to say the phrase croissant party, you're going to need to provide more context than that if you're gonna say the phrase croissant party you're gonna need to give them more than that fine we went to a croissant party and there was not much apple content in my croissant oh my god i was wretched not the content we were looking for ill over it no um my stepmother we were um traveling to fisher's island of all places and my stepmother told me that the local bakery was hosting a croissant party. And I don't know why, but and so I was being, you know, difficult because I did not want to be there on that on this island. And so I was reading a book in the car and I got so carsick. And we walked into the place and I and this woman comes up with a trifle of croissants and is like, hello, welcome.

And I just turned around, opened the door and like truly projectile vomited. It's like the only time in my life I've like projectile vomited everywhere. And since then, and it's the only food I don't like. I don't, there's no other. You're not a picky eater. I'm like, I will eat truly almost anything except a croissant. It makes me sick. Yeah.

So anyway, David's uh david's review really spoke to me on a different level i would say just the fact that 50 plus years this is the most uh insulted he's ever been tells you a lot about him as a person i would say i would argue so that's david david sounds very needy and it seems like people have been tiptoeing around him for too long. Yeah. It's about time. Like you said. It's about time.

This is a review of Long Beach Memorial Hospital by Ron. Three stars. I'm pretty sure even Google. It was on incognito and it still brought me to all the local hospitals. But there are also a lot of hospitals, a lot of reviews. This is true. I don't know. Yeah, this is true. This is three stars by ron a lot of whiny liberals oh shoot that's just us

right that's you're looking too close to home i was in a waiting room for hours so i had to come check out the cafeteria the lunch menu looked like it had promised but as soon as the food came out i was not impressed. You'd think a nice hospital would have a good quality cafeteria. I got a hot dog that was very salty, and fries that were super cold and taste like day-old fries that have been left out. I guess I shouldn't complain because it was cheap and it did the trick of filling me to some extent. I was just expecting a little more from this place. I would revamp this place in a heartbeat if they just gave me a chance to.

What? I don't know. Like freaking Restaurant Impossible or something? He thinks he's the next Gordon Ramsay. It's weird how like was almost self-aware enough to recognize how wrong he is. To not complain. I'm sorry, it's Ron. How wrong Ron is.

Yeah. Ron's Kitchen Nightmares. I think he's just trying to pitch something. It is LA. complain i'm sorry it's ron how wrong wrong ron ron is yeah um ron's kitchen nightmares i think he's just trying to pitch something it is la so it was like so close he was saying like oh i guess i shouldn't complain because it and then continues to complain yeah that seems about right fits the bill i feel bad for the hospital workers that have to eat here because they can't leave okay i don't think that's how that works btw i'm pretty sure i can tell because blaze and i share a postmates account and they very often order postmates okay not on gray's anatomy so i'm a little confused oh but gray's anatomy they have like stellar global cuisine that's true i'm sure that's true what's it called sacred heart sure i saw at least five nurses staring at the menu and sighing, trying to pick up...

What? What? Okay, that is ridiculous. At least five. That is so the dumbest thing. Sorry. Let me... Okay.

And we haven't even heard what he thinks they're doing when they sigh at it. Maybe they've had a long fucking day. Right. It's a nurse. It's a nurse. And during the middle of their shift, they're probably sighing because they're tired. Not because the hot dogs are too salty. That's the way Ron is.

Ron and David clearly have some different context of like the difficulties people face in this world, I guess I should say. Oh, my god. Okay, it keeps going. I saw at least five nurses staring at the menu and sighing, trying to pick the best thing they could. Other than that, the others around me are eating and seem to be doing just fine. Maybe I'm too much of a food critic, hey this is just my opinion and perspective right? end of review again almost self aware

maybe I'm just too much of a food critic yeah you are too much of a critic but don't also at the same time that's some weird humble brag like oh yeah I'm a food critic I can do this professionally if I chose to

this hot dog is salty this is my critical food review thanks Ron welcome to Ron's Kitchen Nightmares professionally if i chose to this hot dog is salty this is my critical food review thanks ron welcome to ron's kitchen nightmares if i say the right name for the uh grace anatomy hospital now can you edit it in sure oxen what is it seattle grace got it sacred heart what is that like a church in cincinnati popped in my head i think like maybe we would go to church festivals there because like that rest of you reading that review I'm like that wasn't right. Why did I say that? That came right off the top of my head and then I was like but it actually did change

names but it's that's a spoiler so I'm not going to do it. Okay can you add that to the family therapy list? Yeah. Because it's definitely something we need to explore your Freudian slip. Like that made me feel really weird that I did that and I'm embarrassed. Sacred heart. And I can tell that you're not going to edit it. Oh, no, I will. Okay.

Don't worry. Well, good thing I edit after you. No one is hearing this part, so if there's anything else you want to say, go ahead. Well, it's been a good run, but I'm leaving Beach 2 Sandy Water too wet after that mistake. Finally. Okay, this is a four-star review by Lynette of Dr.

This is my last one. Of Dr. P. Phillips Hospital in Orlando, Florida. I finally found one outside of LA. Lynette says, I am a big fan of the hospital's cafeteria. I have an obsession with the porridge, but lately it has lumps. Today, it had a lot of lumps. That's not how it's supposed to be made, so I was very disappointed today.

Hopefully they will read this and make porridge without lumps, please. Smiley face. End of reel. That was sweet. Five stars? Four stars. Okay, I'll take that. One star for more lumps, that's okay. One star off for more lumps. That was sweet. Five stars? Four stars. Okay, I'll take that. One star for more lumps, that's okay.

One star off for more lumps. Too lumpy. You know, lumps are never a good thing at a hospital. Ugh! Yeah, this is true. Yeah. This is true. Now you sound like that fucking guy writing his memoir in a brothel.

Well, it's funny that you say that. Why? Tell me why, please. I said that there was no name but it was actually my review oh for god's sake you idiot i like how you're like oh yeah benedict took care of us like a mom she took me to all these cafes and i'm like yeah she took me to try to take me to night club she and i went to red rose club and dear help me. Anyway, thank you everyone for listening. Let's hope she's not listening.

I know. That's just my only thought now. We have no family left. Write that down for family therapy. This has been Beachy City Water Too Wet. Podcast where we therapize each other and ourselves. And mostly nobody because we're not good at it. I will say, too like this is kind of

jarring for us because when we did the um strip clubs episode we were mentally prepared for this kind of thing but i think nightclubs i wasn't necessarily expecting the level of um blatant sexuality that we have uh broached today and that's why i hope talk of you know salty oh i said salty hot dogs god damn it what weren't is what were what were you gonna say that i was gonna say that and then i realized maybe that's not the best thing to equate probably not to the opposite of sexuality croissants okay okay what's next week's theme well this is an exciting one um okay it's somewhat like a bonus thing but it's something that has been requested since probably day one of this podcast fantastic we are doing reviews of disney parks because so many people have requested it and i think it's about time this is gonna be that we

do it crazy exactly can you okay can we make it a thing though that after this we get to go make a youtube video where we go to the parks that would be wonderful um if enough people listen to this and we make enough money if we make enough money to get into disney afford to go to disneyland not gonna happen then we'll do it for a while but odds are it won't yeah it won't happen for a couple years maybe we'll add a new patreon tier send Send us to Disney. Oh, there you go. Move aside, Make-A-Wish Foundation. It's our turn to go to Disney World. Yeah, you know those

annual donations you make to Make-A-Wish? Well, we have a proposition. 50-50? You want to go splitsies? Okay, edit that out. I was actually going to say 100% shift to us. I'm sorry. That's okay. Whatever. Here I am being too generous again what else is new okay so I have your challenge here this is

from Sean who says hi there Baron and Baroness of Cream I just recently started listening and love the podcast it makes my service industry soul happy I have a challenge idea and they said I'm not sure if I need to donate to submit it if i do please feel free to send me the link so i sent him a link to our new uh our new donation page and said yes you must donate 50 to make any sort of suggestion to us um so we'll see if he actually goes through with it i'm just kidding guys uh you do not need to donate to email us absolutely not i appreciate how ready he was to do so that is very very kind. Very thoughtful. Very thoughtful. But you do not need to donate for that. My challenge idea is to find a review where the reviewer name checks their ex-partner in the review.

So, for example, saw my ex-girlfriend on a date with another guy at this restaurant. Saw my girlfriend on a date with another guy at this restaurant. Have fun with him, Megan. Good waffle fries, though. Just an example. Okay, yes. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I like that attitude. him, Megan. Good waffle fries, though. Just an example. Funny. Okay, yes. Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

I like that attitude. Like, Megan. Like, oh, that's going to be perfect. Love a good Megan story. And they also said bonus points if it's one star, bonus points if the reason for the one star is seeing their ex. But that obviously doesn't need to be the case. So Sean says, thank you for making the show,

making me look crazy in public so no one sits next to me on public transportation. That's all we aim for. That's what we do aim for. That is our goal. Thank you, Sean. Thank you, Sean. I actually really love that challenge. I'm excited for that. I'm excited too. It's going to be a weird episode with Disney and exes. Oh, it's a weird one. All right, but we're going

to get through it. So thanks for listening. Go to beach2sandy.com slash tour for tickets. We'd love to see you at our live show. And one thing I wanted to say was we actually announced that live show a little bit early to our patrons. That's true.

So sign up for Patreon at patreon.com slash beach2sandy. If you want to get good news like that a little bit ahead of time. Yeah, if we like to keep RCsi, Gio, and Juni. Because we do have some special news coming up. We do, actually. We are going to actually announce, well, in yesterday's Patreon YouTube Live. Yeah.

Anyway, thank you everyone for listening. Hopefully see lots of you in Los Angeles. And in a teacup. Bye. Jesus. Okay. Jesus. Okay, bye.