Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 67: Reviews of Disney Parks

Episode Date: March 4, 2020

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of their way to write today's reviews, mainly because we ourselves don't seem to know the difference between a large candle and a Disney villain. So throw on your Easter best, return any and all hamsters, and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good night, everyone. It's midnight. And I'm so tired. This is the second episode we're recording today. Yeah, I kind of forgot to tell Alexander that I was gone for like two weeks until yesterday. And my flight is tomorrow morning. And so we had to record two episodes today

do our live stream etc etc obviously i haven't packed yet so it's going to be a long night but edit that first episode oh yeah i had to edit the episode because it came out at midnight and this one's when you're listening to this it's a week later so welcome to our show where i'm going to be super peppy to try and make up for my exhaustion. We randomly, I guess Alexander, decided to do Disney this week. Yep. I thought, you know what, it's been requested enough. Enough where I was like, you know, the people have spoken. Sure. I would like to point out that this means not only did I have to record another episode today, I had to research Disneyland parks for several hours in the middle of my evening.

Oh, my God. It's been a... How'd you make it through? Shut up. It's been a long day. Yeah, for me, too. You've done this. And this was all your fault.

I know. I know. I know. Literally all of us. Literally all of us. You're right. And Christina, you've got nothing on me you know why what so that fucking challenge you gave me oh is it bad well tell everyone what it was i don't

remember it was like two hours ago wait oh it was to find somewhere was somebody calling out their x name dropping their x yeah well sean did that to you guess what happened to me a few days ago what? Allie and I broke up oh fuck yeah I forgot I didn't forget but I didn't I didn't think about it Sean what an asshole

why the fuck did you do this don't blame Sean you jerk I wasn't like actually planning on mentioning this on the podcast until it like was somewhat potentially relevant i cannot believe that i did this to you it wasn't until i was sitting down to do it that i'm like wait a second i was like because i texted it to you earlier and you're like yeah it looks good and then i just didn't think about it again i'm so sorry it's just it was cruel you guys i'm the worst i am the worst alexander you know what i'm gonna make

it up to you bring you some 5 a.m hummus in a couple hours oh i can't wait i am so sorry i'm such a jackass yeah no i wasn't planning on talking about it but um well for the record you know we are on very good terms. It was mutual. Not anymore. Well, not anymore. Now that Christine ruined everything. And anyway. The bad boy of podcasting is now single, my friends.

Nope. Single and not ready to mingle. So ignore her. Okay. Sorry. I'm just going to stop. You just do the rest of the episode. Okay.

That actually sounds pretty good. I think that's what the people really want. Not Disney. That's what they really want. Does that mean I can go to bed? No. You'd have to sit here and listen to the whole thing and react. I'm super glad that I literally cornered you into talking about your breakup.

I'm so sorry. Impressive, honestly. I'm so sorry. In a Disney episode of all things, I feel like I trapped you in some sort of horrible hell. As many reviewers mentioned, the magic is gone. Oh, no. But yes. As many viewers mentioned, the most depressing place on earth. But yeah.

So that's all. Let's move on. I'm so sorry. I'm such a jackass. It doesn't matter. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God.

What's the matter with me? I'm going to hell well one thing is um ali and i are still planning on releasing a podcast uh in the future so we are still on good terms we are still gonna try to do that so you know what to make it up to me you're gonna allow me to advertise that all the fucking time. I was about to say, honestly, probably to overcompensate, I will just like blab on and on about that. Well, I hope so. I'm excited for that podcast, honestly. I am too, to be honest.

Yeah, when we talked about it, we were like, can we still do that? Both of us were like, can we still do that podcast? Because we liked the idea so much. Then you can actually like fulfill your own challenge by calling out. Yes, I already wrote multiple Yelp reviews. When you just said to me, guess what happened to me a few days ago i was like oh my god did you run into an ex like at hobby lobby or something nope wow alexander i'm just a piece of crap okay well so here we go um can i just read one to get please just to put my brain somewhere else

all right everyone i decided to first go to disneyland paris the most magical place on earth is in the city i read a lot of those too okay too many too many reviews too many really it's been too many it's gonna be a night full of nightmares jesus one star by kim i really couldn't enjoy myself here for reference reference, I've been to Disney World in Orlando many times. In fact, five times this year alone, because I love Disney, okay? The security is pretty lax, and the overall park is not as updated and clean as Disney World. And the thing that irritated me the most was all the pickpockets. There were more pickpockets than actual guests in the entire park. Alex and her, she fucking counted.

Will you not laugh at her, please? Were they like actual Disney characters dressed up as burglars? Is that a Disney character? I don't know. I'm just trying to picture something. Like a raccoon. Like Cruella de Vil? Doing something like that.

The first attraction I went to in the morning i had a pickpockets hand already in my pocket luckily i prepared for this uh-oh fanny pack maybe i just bought one today congratulations thank you i've had a big day too luckily i prepared for this and made sure I had no valuables in my pockets. But it wasn't an invasion of my personal space and privacy that really left a sour taste in my mouth for the rest of the day. I sat back for a while and people watched. And that's how I noticed all the pickpockets. And just watched for fun?

Yeah. Without doing anything? Okay. Not without doing anything. Noticing all the pickpockets. Oh, yeah. Okay. The pickpockets were so obvious.

Sometimes holding three to four sweaters, even though it was warm outside. And none of the sweaters matched. If they're holding sweaters, how are they picking pockets? I don't know. Especially three to four sweaters. They didn't match. That's the whole thing. Wait.

I think they pickpocketed the sweaters. Maybe. I'm not really sure. Can you do that? Oh, is that what that? That's. No, that's not. Who put sweaters in their pockets, though?

That's what I'm wondering. Speak for yourself. I don't know. I'm a little confused about like why they wouldn't match. Or maybe they're hiding stuff in their sweaters. Yeah. Like a rack. I don't know. I'm a little confused about why they wouldn't match. Or maybe they're hiding stuff in their sweaters. Yeah. Like a raccoon. I don't know.

Like a what? Like a raccoon. Hmm? That's what I'm trying to... Maybe I'm onto something. I think you might be. Raccoons wearing four sweaters that don't match. I think this makes a lot of sense.

And none of the sweaters matched. WTH. And the one guy walking around wearing a disney world's greatest dad shirt was clearly looking for marks end of review that guy was for sure pickpocket i i think that it's it's funny how that probably only describes one person in the entire park look out look out for the guy wearing the wait Wait, I just realized something. Uh-oh. A guy walking around alone with the world's greatest dad looking for marks. He's probably looking for his children.

He probably lost them. He's alone. Oh my gosh, his twins. Isn't that horrible? Mark and Mark. His marks. This is all a cry for help. It's Mark and Marka, his two twins.

Mark and Marka. His two twin babies. The babies are missing. Holy shit, he kept them in his pocket.. Mark and Marka. His two twin babies. The babies are missing. Holy shit, he kept them in his pocket. That was the big mistake. Like a marsupial. Gio just waltzed right on in. On command. My marsupial.

Yeah, I think that's exactly what happened. Makes sense. Gio, come here. We don't have time for this today. My first one is of Disneyland. In LA. Or in Anaheim. Yes.

Disneyland Park in Anaheim. Got it. One star by Natasha. We found a wallet and gave it to a castmate. As we were walking away, she goes, You don't want it? Spoiled the entire... Oh my god.

She's also a pickpocket. I know. This is a fucking park full of thieves. It's ridiculous. Oh my god. You don't want it. What? I mean, I...

Was it Cinderella? I'm trying to picture who it was. It was the evil stepsisters. It must have been. Can you imagine if they had, if you were auditioning, they're like, we know the perfect part for you. Those ugly evil stepsisters. we know the perfect part for you. Those ugly, evil stepsisters. You look just perfect for the part.

You know what? It was probably like Gaston. Oh, Gaston would fucking steal someone's wallet. Exactly. For sure. He's hiding Mark and Marquis in there. Spoiled the entire magic of the day. Happiest place on earth?

Yeah, right. End of reveal. That ruined the whole day that someone probably made a joke about a wallet. Yes. And it's a castmate. So that means that it's somebody who's in character. Right. They're probably like, what is this magical thing you handed me?

These people are trained very rigorously to stay in character. And they will be fired if they're not. And I have a feeling that this person wasn't about to break character. That's a good point. To appease your morals. Weird justice system that you've created. Yeah. I wonder if they were just like, oh, thank you for this nice gift.

You know, like they didn't know what to do. You know, when someone's handing you a wallet yes and you're in character in front of a bunch of children and if you are a villain which there are villains are they're dressed up gaston's one of them is he a villain isn't is he not of course from beauty and the beast oh i was picturing that big candle. What was that thing called? I honestly don't know. I know it. We're the wrong people to be doing a Disney-themed podcast episode.

That's why I met you. That's why I met you. He was hiding up. That's why I meant he was hiding up. That's why he was what? Because he was a candle? Because he has all the little... He's like a candelabra, so he can stuff them all in his little pockets. See, candelabras don't have pockets.

Lumiere. Oh, good job. I just know everyone's gonna tweet it i totally thought we were on the same page when you said oh yeah like yeah pickpocket i'm like yeah villain and it turns out you're talking about quote the candle the big candle i really was so proud of us wow i was so confident and then i like, he's not a villain. He seems pretty, like, happy-o-lucky. So laid back, this candle guy. I don't get it.

He's just steaming. He's steaming. This is the worst thing we've ever done. And we've gotten through two. And it's almost midnight. Literally called, like, Cruella de villa disney character i don't even know if that's true literally sent me into a spiral about my breakup okay i'm kidding i'm being dramatic we're never doing midnight recordings again that's probably a big lie

okay i'm so sorry i'm gonna um do another one please continue i i pray to God this has nothing to do with thieving. I don't think so. This is a one-star review by Ellen. I and my husband got stuck in Disneyland outside of Charles de Gaulle a few years ago. This is definitely only for Americans, though I saw a couple of English people who also seemed enthralled. I saw a couple of English people who also seemed enthralled. To I and my husband, it was like being in a jail full of kitsch, with a huge billboard with Clint Eastwood's photograph beaming down at us in greeting, and more kitsch than I can possibly describe surrounding us inside.

There's... I don't know if I want more or not because this is the lamest review and yet i hate it and would like it to stop there's too much more i'm so sorry there is nothing not to love says one reviewer well yeah if you love dis Disneyland, which some of us distinctly do not. Then why are you stuck there? Why are you there? Um, you'll find out. Okay, okay, okay. It's like a side note. It's like a footnote.

I will say, though, they say, which some of us distinctly do not, not. So I don't know what that means. I don't know. Can we not analyze it tonight? Okay, okay. Maybe next week. Disneyland is the antithesis of Paris, cloyingly ahistorical, full of mythical cutesy animals and giant candles outside. Shut up.

Oh my god. I'm trying to redeem myself. Okay. It will never happen, so please give up. Full of mythical cutesy animals, clean dwarfs, and princesses and such. We all know, anyone reading these reviews knows what Disney is. Not that I didn't like Mickey when I was five, but I'm no longer five. Anyway, it's perfect for Americans who have an enormous distaste for and ignorance of history,

and who probably haven't a clue about how loathsome the food is in this place. And this is Paris. Paris! Where the best restaurants in the world exist. I guess if you have small children, maybe this might be for you. But then again, you're right outside of one of the most spectacular handsome cities in the world with museums old neighborhoods architecture oh where to begin with paris why on earth would you think for one second of going to gag me with a spoon disneyland which you are at oh the reason my husband and i got stuck was that our plane was delayed for hours and we got put up at a hotel in disneyland ugh end of review i loathe this reviewer i mean you don't really understand um you know cloyingly beautiful history or whatever the fuck this person's talking about

and oh my gosh oh cloyingly ahistorical picturing the husband riding the teacups happily alone with little ears yes he's having a great time she's like gagging me with a spoon which by the way that doesn't really fit in the rest of the aesthetic of this article or this review but i just really dislike when people put others down for what they enjoy. Especially so obnoxiously. Yeah, it reminds me of those museum in Boise reviews we did where they were like, I'm from New York. And then this person being, I don't even know where they're from, but clearly not America. Or England.

I think, or England. Well, no, I think they might be from England. Okay. Well, I don't care. They can stay wherever they're from. I just remember seeing I and my husband got stuck in Disneyland and I was like, this is... Oh, that grabs your attention. I'm like, I'm ready for some sort of thriller. There's, as we know...

And it took the worst turn possible. This park is full of criminals, so... True. You know what? Those two are probably the criminals wait a second she's fucking throwing our attention elsewhere she's one of those clean dwarfs running around why would you call them clean dwarfs what does that mean i don't know it's someone who well you know what no i'm not gonna analyze it i'm not bothering it's not worth my time. Okay. I'm going to move on. Good.

You can do whatever you want, my friend. Don't call me that. Okay. Okay, this is of the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida. One star review by Ross. Oh, God. This is so stupid. This is the dumbest episode.

It really is. I can't even look at you. I can't even look at you. You know what? What? I'm going to be totally honest. What? I just noticed that I misread this review.

Oh, no. Yeah, you were being really quiet over there. Well, because I read it again to prepare because it's short. And then I'm like, oh, shit. This is actually not at all what I thought it was. It's too late for this shit. Can you tell me what you thought it was? I feel like such an asshole now that I picked this review.

But I will read it for everyone. Okay. And then tell everyone. Can I read it the way i thought it was written absolutely is it one star um it's one star i'm sorry please trust me everyone that this is actually how i read it even though it doesn't say this at all great ross says if your child has a disability it's a great place if they don't don't bother going

they aren't interested in helping you and I was like this person is insane like being annoyed that they only help children with disabilities and so I that's why I just laughed i'm like oh this is ridiculous

for you and then i read it again i'm like wait so you thought ross was saying if your child has no disabilities like mine they won't take you they won't care about you yes okay what does it actually say the literal opposite of that i know ross I am so sorry that I did this to you. So bad. It says, if your child doesn't have a disability, it's a great place. If they do, don't bother going. Okay, that's... They aren't interested in helping you.

Horrifyingly said. I know. And I am so sorry, Ross. Finally you did something wrong today. This was... You know what? I am in a weird place this week. We'll give it to you. I am going to move on and have you read another review. Ross.

And let's try to pretend that never happened. Sorry, my brother's such an asshole, Ross. Holy shit. I hope that you and your children slash child have a great time at Universal. Universal or something like that universal or somewhere else um to be fair if it was what i thought it was it would have been perfect for this podcast you are correct in that thank god i stopped myself because if i had just started reading it and read it properly you would have been like what why are you reading this cool i would have been like, what? Why are you reading this? Cool. I would have been doing like the cutthroat motion.

Like, okay, too far. Oh my God. Please continue. Happily. I'm going to follow you though to Southern California. This is a one-star review by Sherry. This is not a question, but a statement. Disneyland is truly horrible for what they did to that grandmother.

Wait, what? I don't know. Why would I think that's a question? Why would Yelp be for questions? It's not. It's a one-star review. But the Yelp forums, on the other hand. That is true.

Maybe she should check there next. Disneyland is truly horrible for what they did to that grandmother. I am pooling together with every single organization that I am involved in, and I am ordering a boycott. You literally had a hand in attacking that elderly woman. End of review. I don't know if that means anything. You really think that she got her entire Lula Roe upline involved in this? If she did, I mean, that's an army right there. That's a dedicated army.

I mean, you know, they spend all of the money that they earn on Disney passes. The most incredible thing, though, is that since each of them owns their own business... That's true. Yeah, it's exactly true. Look at all those CEOs standing up to Disney. That must be why the head of Disney just stepped down. And attacked that grandmother down and attacked that grandmother i don't know what happened i just read it and thought like this is not useful to anyone because

you literally didn't explain a word of what you said and we've said this in the past and it's been true in the past if people keep them vague like this yeah it usually means they don't have a leg to stand exactly right if they right exactly if you had an actual real honest complaint you would be able to provide the details yeah otherwise it's just some vague nonsense that doesn't help anyone we're like i'm not gonna put the details of my complaint because Yelp won't let me. And I'm like, that's not how this works. If you're being critical of Yelp in that review, and yet it's still there. How dare you question the system.

You're just another cog in the machine, Sherry. You and all your ceo friends all right my next one was actually sent in by a listener this was sent in by renee and it's a review of magic kingdom okay by claudio one star i ridden the boat for the magic kingdom with my kids, and an employee named Anderson yelled my children because they were giving potato chips for the pigeon in the boat. I would love to see that photograph. Poor Anderson. I'm picturing the log flume and they're feeding a pigeon.

Yeah, and Anderson is screaming, please do not feed these pigeons potato chips. Can you say that last part again? Oh my gosh. Can you read me another bedtime story? That was all one sentence. So I will start again. This is the best fairy tale. Is everyone cozy?

I love this Disney fairy tale. What a happy ending. I ridden the boat for the Magic Kingdom with my kids, and a employee named Anderson yelled my children because they were giving potato chips for the pigeon in the boat. It's not even over. It's like halfway over. There's still more. Don't worry. I'm so sorry. That was just such a perfect gem. I don't know why there's a pigeon in the boat, but that pigeon is having the best fucking day of his life. He's the only one who ever has a five star review. And if Claudio and Claudio's children like this pigeon so much, maybe they should just bring the pigeon home. Put it in your pocket.

That's what everyone else does. You know where they don't yell at kids for this? Where? Pigeon Forge. Oh. I can only get away with that joke at midnight. That's the stupidest thing you've ever said. Okay, I'm going to continue with this review as the thing you

said earlier where you said uh ross's review wrong but it's pretty stupid that was just all around awful of me this one at least is just dumb it's great that like the closer kind of like cinderella the closer we get to midnight like the the shittier people apparently we become um until we turn into pumpkins i don't know how that really works but so let us know how you feel about this episode if you love it we'll just do this more don't i'm gonna just continue thank you disney should hire employees that have more respect with the children and the tourists visiting or. Don't cost nothing being nice. End of review.

Oh, this was part of the pigeon again. You think I just read a new one? I told you I had more and you're like, it's not over. And then we went on another tangent. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I mean, you know what? Be nice.

If someone's feeding your pigeons, just be thankful that you don't have to pay to feed those pigeons out of your own pocket. Which is probably full of other people's sweaters. Anderson's pockets of nuts. Anderson has eight. And sweaters. I mean, it's just insane what these people are doing. We have some respect, please, for Claudio and his children. Okay, now this one I love very much. This is by Lil Ladybug.

It's a one-star review. So I collect snow globes. And, of course, I would buy a snow globe. But the quality is so bad. D, D, colon. So it's like those faces that are going, I'm glad we're on the same page about that at least. We sound like ghouls.

The air bubble in it grew so big in less than a year of getting it. The swirling of the snow globe is also not very good and settles the glitter faster than a good quality one would. The snow globes are cheaply made. I would not recommend for anyone that collects or wants a long-lasting snow globe. It is not worth the price at Disneyland. End of review.

That might be the most useful review we will hear tonight. It's true, actually. I kind of was like, sure. There's probably a $45 snow globe, to be honest. Yes, that's a good point. I mean, hey, if that's something you're interested in, you will probably search snow globe when you're looking up reviews. Good point.

True collectors will do that. Just like Lil Ladybug. Yes. Yes. The truest collector of all. The truest collector of all. So the rest are on my phone, so I'm just going to put it. She just closed her laptop, and I thought, she's already done.

Bye. No, I have some on my phone. Because I am not quite done yet. That's for sure. You would be. Okay, go ahead. My next one is of Tokyo Disney Resort. Oh, shit.

By Chris, and it's one star. Not a good place to visit if you don't speak Japanese. Most of the staff don't speak English. End of review. What the fuck are you doing in Japan? How dumb is that? You fly all the way there. That pisses me off.

I mean, I guess some people do fly all the way somewhere just to go to Disney. Yes. Maybe What's-Her-Name was right. Nope, I will not go that far. Stoop to that level. Clint Eastwood is right. By towering over her. Wow.

Yeah. I guess don't go to a foreign country if you can't fathom people speaking another language. That is the dumbest complaint i have ever heard it really actually kind of hurts my soul a little bit um it wasn't the only one either i think there was one of uh the one in hong kong and it was uh and they said they can't even speak basic english whoa okay i mean what well i guess on that note, I'll read Ryan's review. It's a three star. Obviously, Disney is still pretty cool, but in recent years, a lot of the magic is no longer there.

Today, when you go to the Magic Kingdom, you no longer walk through entrance and before anything else, see Mickey Mouse there to greet you. Today, in 2016, the first thing you see is about 40 security guards who want to snoop through your purse, your backpack, and your diaper bag. Then you must tell your three-year-old daughter that before they can go to the most magical place on earth, they must walk through a metal detector and then have their fingerprints scanned all before entering the park. Really, Disney? I know some people are brainwashed by the media that guns are evil, but most real people know that good people carrying guns is the best and only way to stop the bad people with the guns. Walter E. Disney was a man with common sense. The people who run Disney today are more concerned with political correctness than common sense.

End of review. Don't you miss the good old days? Is there a gun in the diaper bag? With the good old anti-Semitic Walt Disney being our fearless leader. Gun-toting. Gun-toting. I just, um, I don't think Walt Disney was really a supporter of parents carrying guns in their diaper bags.

It doesn't seem like a very Disney... When you think happiest place on earth, you don't think a bunch of people carrying guns around. I mean, some people do. Obviously, at least one person does. I think 50% of America does, but it's fine. They don't allow selfie sticks at Disney. Why the hell would they allow you to bring a gun in? Oh, and the only real defense against what?

Like, against all the... Mickey Mouse and his gun? I can imagine honestly believing that the only way to stop bad people is good people carrying guns. I don't, like, that... At Disney World. Exactly. I just imagine if there's a terrorist threat at a place like disney world god forbid god forbid obviously but like they what are you gonna

actually have security measures in place what do you do with your gun i just don't understand oh god anyway i just like he's like my three-year-old has to go through male detector. I'm keeping my guns in that diaper of hers. Anyway. All right. I don't like that one. That's not great. Here's another one of Tokyo Disney Resort. One star.

I don't want to see Mickey Mouse in Japan. End of review. I mean... I mean, it seems like this person and the one before him both somehow ended up there without meaning to yes you know i mean it seems to be a running theme they got on that wrong high speed train i truly don't know how they ended up there because they both seem to be very unsatisfied and confused with their location. I don't want to see Mickey in Japan. What the fuck?

Then don't go to Disneyland in Japan. Maybe he got trapped there, too. It seems like a lot of people are getting trapped. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. I have two more. Me, too.

Oh, good. Look at that. We're in sync. Magic. me too oh good look at that we're insane magic i had a rape whistle thrown away by the security at the park for god knows what reason it's an emergency device what if some costume freak comes after me okay can you imagine though lumiere and all its little candles just a giant candle chasing you through the park oh all these villains though i mean it's true i think she's onto something raccoons galore oh everywhere putting their thieving hands inside of your pockets also they're wearing world's greatest dad shirt so you'd never know yeah um i will say like uh i obviously i don't find it hilarious that they're taking people's rape i'm surprised

about that that is not what i would i would expect maybe pepper spray being taken away or one of those sharp kitty things but like guns and rape whistles i'm like why yeah are you not letting those in honestly the, the only way to stop someone is a gun. Right, it's the safest. And a rape whistle that's attached to the gun. So that when you shoot a bullet, it... Yeah. Opposite of a silencer.

Yeah. It's called... Nope. Let's... You know what? We've pushed this too far already. Remember the gun dating app a bunch of people came up with? Oh my gosh, you guys were funny.

Shoot Your Shot was a good one. There were a couple and then I felt like such an idiot because I was like, I didn't come up with anything. Anything. Like it was nothing. Anyway, that's my side note. Your turn. My next one is of Hong Kong Disneyland.

Oh, God. This is by Snowball. One star. And it's actually a picture of a dog. Oh, I thought you were going to say Snowball. It's like, wow. Guys, it's a picture of a snowball. It is not.

One star. We went to Disney World four times already, but first time in Hong Kong Disneyland. We were so disappointed that Mickey Mouse didn't wear his tuxedo. And Minnie didn't wear her red bubble dress. They were wearing their spring Easter costumes. We went on June 24th, 2019. Easter is in April. It's over already.

We waited two hours in line. They also have PhotoPass package, but they only had one border, which is Easter. End of review oh my god oh my god can you imagine if your life this was the most upsetting strenuous thing that happened in your entire summer was this was an easter pack border know. And can we talk about Mickey wearing a tuxedo? I guess that is a Disney thing, but... But he usually doesn't, right?

Not in the cartoons, but I think that is a Disney, like, at the locations thing. Oh, like the character walking around? Because I saw that and I thought, is he always wearing a tuxedo? And I tried really hard to picture Mickey Mouse. Wait, when you went to Disney? No, in my head. When I read this review, I thought, is he always in a tuxedo? And I tried really hard to picture Mickey Mouse. Wait, when you went to Disney? No, in my head. When I read this review, I thought, is he always in a tuxedo? I think he is at Disney.

Maybe, I don't know. Obviously not Alexander on June 24th. But that's the thing that I don't understand. They went four times to Disney World this year. They wanted a picture with each time going to a disney park yeah they are upset that disney that mickey and minnie are not wearing their traditional clothing and they went to the one in hong kong but presumably well at least for the first time this year and chose to spend two hours waiting in line for a picture with Mickey and Minnie.

If you go to Disney, maybe I'm missing something. Maybe it's one of those things where they stamp a passport book and say, you saw Mickey Mouse in Hong Kong. I don't know. In his spring best, but not his tuxedo. You don't get that stamp. See, maybe that's what it, maybe there's something deeper. But if there isn't, why would you do that? Why are you doing this to your children? They just want to see Mickey. They don't care about his attire.

This sounds like our stepmother at the country club, like you cannot wear white after Labor Day. You need to wear your Sunday best. Your Easter clothing cannot be worn past Easter, obviously. Also, for the record, it says nothing about children so i'm choosing to pretend children were not involved that's a really good point and i'm hoping they weren't because i feel like this is pretty traumatizing for me personally right now so i can't imagine being in that position as a child um also like do you think they got up to the front and just like didn't take they were like absolutely not well where are your clothes change them right now they probably had a couple extra sweaters in their pockets oh that's right

to give to them if they had fucking brought one tuxedo in one pocket it would have all been fixed yes yeah this is the dumbest thing i've ever heard i think i just realized something what we can post one of our disney photos oh my god we have some wild we saw tony hawk at disney we did see tony hawk we don't have a photo no we don't we don't we were nice enough not to chase him down oh but i wanted to no man we got so excited my little our little sister goes who's tony hawk and we went this hurts me physically um tony hawk though was in his tuxedo. Yes. So I was pretty pleased about that. We actually saw him twice.

Second time he was wearing his red bubble dress. It's so dumb. The reason we didn't approach him, we were pretty embarrassed. We hadn't changed out of our Easter attire. Okay. I have one final one by susan okay one start bye we will never be visiting again how can you think raising for hopper passes to 200 is a good idea families cannot afford that rate radic i don't have kids so i can afford it but for sure won't ever be coming back i'm sorry but

if you guys are losing money but i highly doubt it it's too bad my husband and i really enjoyed and looked forward to our three days at the parks every year bye forever so dramatic i just love that it starts with a bye and then it ends with really had to get that point across oh man and what's really funny i'm going through these reviews there are over 200 000 reviews oh god of disney world and that's just on google and just on Google. They don't care. Oh, of course not. They do not need to hear you say goodbye.

They do not care one bit. But if you say it twice, they might hear it. If you say bye forever. It's a secret code. It might actually like catch someone's attention. They have an algorithm that scans reviews for the word buy twice also the word susan because then they're like susan no our number one customer don't leave no kids no kids she can she can clearly afford 200 all by herself oh my gosh god susan um my final one is a nice saga from Hong Kong Disneyland.

Oh, God. Okay, I'll just get comfortable. Buckle up. This is a one-star review by G. Very unpleasant experience. The majority of the staff were friendly, but some were extremely rude. The ride I went on before leaving the park was called Space Traders. By the time I approached the front of the line, I noticed two separate vehicles. The first one leaves first, and the next follows.

After I was told to go to the very end of the second vehicle, and we were told to place our bags safely in the pocket in front of us. At this point, I was sat down and leaning forward to adjust the pocket so my bag would fit securely, and have yet to pull the safety bar to secure myself in the seat. Uh-oh. While still adjusting the pocket in front, the vehicle started moving. And like what any normal person would do, I quickly pulled the safety bar down to prevent any injury. The vehicle came to a sudden stop.

To everyone else, it may have been very slow but to me with the bar not securely placed on my life flashed before my eyes i'm just picturing it slowing down and there's just one person who's like right it's screaming throwing her body life flash before i mean okay no it mean, okay. No, it did not. Do you know what it did, though? All 58 times that she went to Disney flashed before her eyes. And she said, never before have I encountered such trauma. My back and head was forced to go forward.

But thankfully I was not hurt at the time due to having quickly pulled down the bar in time. If I hadn't, I think i would have got flown off the vehicle in seconds with a strong force being in complete distraught i immediately alerted the member of staff who was only then checking everyone was securely seated then simply got an oh okay oh that's bad. That's probably the same one who collected a wallet earlier who's like, I just don't know what to do for you

people. Being completely disappointed with the experience after the ride, I approached the same staff and explained how dangerous that was and if I hadn't pulled the bar in time, I could have been badly injured. I then asked for her name as she was not giving me a

professional response. She ran to get another member of staff. Having to explain the entire situation to another man who I thought was able to feed back my reviews, I was told, quote, our ride is very safe. We have an emergency button, so if you were standing up, we would press it immediately i was also told quote we check that everyone is secure at the next stage so the vehicle moves forward to there they did stop but it was too late then so let me clarify i think i understand the car is supposed to move forward before you're secured right it's like one of those things where it's like brings you to the main and then you hop in and then it moves forward and then they make sure you're all secure sure okay like a normal okay got it yes so why am i knowing disney

i highly and the way they take ride safety yeah they're not gonna fuck around with this insurance situation the vehicle stopped in the forest caused me to almost get flown off the ride. Why would you let it move without checking everyone is secure? After explaining to him multiple times, I had to tell him that it's dangerous to let the ride move without checking everyone is safe. He proceeded to repeat himself in the hope for me to just give up. save. He proceeded to repeat himself in the hope for me to just give up. No one at all on that ride was apologetic until I personally told him that he's not even apologized for this. This particular ride is underground, so it was extremely dark with limited lighting. There were at least six staff

there to ensure everyone got on and out safely. I then looked over and actually saw the same worker checking the people in the vehicle I was on before. Does that mean you do check? Who was the person in charge of checking ours? To be honest, I was giving you a suggestion to improve your badly designed ride and incompetent staff so no one else would get injured. The last thing I expected from your staff was attitude and passing on the blame. Act professional and actually do your job properly. Does something have to happen to me for you to actually do something about it? This was my first visit to any Disneyland and will definitely be my last. End of review. This is my first visit outside of my house. I don't understand how

any of the world works. Why is everyone giving me attitude when I scream in their face? Any of the world works. Why is everyone giving me attitude when I scream in their face? I am not one to normally give a massive conglomerate organization that is problematic the benefit of the doubt. Sure. considering Disney's safety record and considering how insane they are about safety, there is no way this person was almost thrown from a ride. I just like how it got more and more.

It always does, but it got more and more traumatic and like, uh, hyperbolic as it went on. Like at the beginning, she's like, I just like pulled down the seat and like my head got thrown forward. then like near the end she's like i was almost flung off the yes yes like what are you talking about you were clearly still in the main section what do you

mean you were not flung off the ride i wish you were unfortunately for the record i didn't say that that was not me you know i shouldn't have said that but um like okay so when a person like this is what i've never really understood is when a person like this goes up and begins to talk to this presumably 20 something or teenager whoever's working this ride what is she looking for like and keep in mind this is in hong kong this is not so i assume this person is an english, well, maybe not native English speaker, but if they were, they wouldn't have written this review in English. Right. Unless they most likely approached these people and spoke in English. Screamed at them in English.

So that's probably why it wasn't as professional as you would have liked. Right. Because they're not used to dealing with people questioning the safety of their ride. Probably not. Especially not in English. Like, I know she was saying your poorly designed ride. Like, that 22-year-old did not design this ride. And, like, he can't, he can't, I mean, maybe he can.

Maybe I'm just not giving enough credit. But I don't think he can, like, engineer a new one for you. The amount of money, time, brains that went into creating this one ride. And literally making sure that Disney doesn't get sued by someone getting flung off the roller coaster. Exactly. Is well beyond that employee's pay grade. Oh my god. I promise you that. So yes, no, I do feel bad for that employee's pay grade i'm i promise you that so yes no i do feel bad for that employee this is wild i just i mean there probably are i don't know how hong kong works but there are

probably some uh agencies in charge of checking the safety of these rides like independently so why don't you reach out to them instead of talking shit about these employees she did she wrote a one-star review on the internet oh yeah that's how they get that's how everything gets rectified yeah i don't know i just it's fascinating to me sometimes that people who get this angry about things like this like how do they handle anything that's actually worth anger like yeah i can barely hang handle like emotions when they're extreme but like how does this person cope no i don't understand it either god it's fascinating to me it's unfortunate that they direct it towards uh the wrong people right right oh god be nice be nice just be nice it's just wild okay is that it for disney that's

it for disney okay I'm running away. Stop trapping me in this jail of kitsch. Tell me about your skincare routine. Oh, happily, you know I will. You don't even need to ask, but thank you for asking. I have basically tried every skincare product under the sun, or at least that's what it feels like. I have pretty dry skin, and I always have trouble getting my makeup off properly and keeping my skin nice and soft. And that is all different now because I have found Glossier, my new favorite company. I am obsessed with it. I want to know specifically what you like about the Milky Jelly Cleanser though. So that's definitely my favorite product. Our 15 year old sister uses it and told me to try it.

And now I am, and I feel cool like a teen. And I'm not alone. The Milky Jelly Cleanser is one of Glossier's top selling products because people like me are obsessed. It has a luxurious creamy gel formula that makes washing your face an elevated experience, one might say, and it washes away excess oil, dirt, and makeup, but is super gentle on your skin and your eyes. It conditions your skin. It's hypoallergenic, non-irritating, and cruelty-free. Does that answer your questions, Andy? You know what? I'm convinced. And if you're convinced too, you can get your own glowy dewy skin for yourself by visiting Glossier.com slash podcast slash beach. Learn more and take the quiz to find your ultimate Glossier skincare routine. Plus, all new customers will get 10% off their first order at glossier.com slash podcast slash beach. Again, that's glossier spelled G-L-O-S-S-I-E-R dot com slash podcast slash beach. Certain exclusions apply.

Well, time for my challenge. Running into your sad life. I'm so sorry. My challenge thanks to... I'm not... You know, Sean, I don't blame you for this. This is Sean sad life. I'm so sorry. My challenge, thanks to... I'm not... You know, Sean, I don't blame you for this. This is Sean's fault. You didn't know.

You didn't plan this, or maybe you did. Sean and I were in cahoots. If you did, we're going to have another talk. But, no. This was actually really entertaining to find these reviews. And, sorry. The challenge was to find reviews where someone name-dropped their ex. So the example, or something

similar, was I saw my ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at this restaurant. Good luck with that evil person, Megan. I don't know. So, name-dropping exes. I'm struggling today for a very good reason. You know what, Alexander? I rescind my

apology because no i did nope you're not going to i won't let you i did you a favor because instead of making you do a challenge i could i gave you one that you could just do yourself it's so easy all of these are from me actually the first one is by someone named Alex. Oh, dear God. Okay. Hilarious job, Christina. Good joke. Thank you.

This is a five-star review of Redwood Sandwich in Scotts Valley, California by Alex. Okay, this is hard for me to read. And not because it's like... I was like, are you going to cry? Not emotional, just the way it's written. Okay. Was about to go to whack ass subway but ended up at a doper sandwich spot which i must say was very dank had the half-sized veggie sandwich with the size of their soup of the day the cheddar ale all of which dank af stop To be honest, did not enjoy the sandwich as much as I wish I had

cause that shit was so good I scarfed it down. Ate nothing like the lovin' of bell peppers and various greens, dog. And that balsamic dressing was tailored made for this sourdough goodness. I hope you know you're getting me back for doing this. Like, I'm suffering.

Getting you back. You caused literally all of this. I've really created my own personal hell for both of us. Just like the porcelain skin of my ex-girlfriend, the cheddar ale was creamy, smooth, and tasty. Ew. And of course, had a hint of beer.

Mmm. Goddamn, I miss you, Lauren. Anyways, if you haven't eaten here, try it out. Very dank, very delicious. End of review. Oh my god, the word dank is not something I ever want to associate with my soup. Soup or sandwiches. Or sandwich.

Agreed. Also, at first I was kind of convinced that was you. I really was. I was like, is this you? Just like your alter ego persona? I know at the beginning I said it's hard for me to read, but honestly, this really spoke to me in a way. And it did feel very natural once I was reading it out loud. I thought, this is me.

This is me. This is me. This is me. Nope, didn't think of it that way. Okay, my next one is of internos wine cafe by kate five stars i remember telling my ex-boyfriend at least a few times while we were together that we should try this place sometime the plan never came to fruition however since then i've spent quite a few evenings here on dates with some of my

closest friends. They're the best. Adnan, the owner, has always offered a couple of different tastings in order for me to find the perfect glass of wine to cry into. He is also the best. Internos just has this really warm and comforting vibe. The wall art is always calming and there's almost always a sports program showing up at the bar. The variety of different places to sit, the bar, the high communal table, several individual short and tall tables and stools, or the couch, makes it ideal for everything from a night out with the ladies to a first date to an intimate let's bash my ex sesh. I'll admit guilt to two-thirds of the aforementioned. Plus, everything on the wine menu has been hand-picked

from around the world. Order something to eat. Everything's delicious. And you'll also get some yummy spicy olives and nuts. And chocolate-covered raisins. What? To munch on. At the end of the day, I'd say it's a good thing I never brought him here. As such,

the place is untainted and only conjures memories of getting over the asshole, not being with him. Thank you, friends, and thank you, internos, for guiding me through that process, one wine-induced evening of diffusion at a time. And if you're reading this, then I really hope you do sometime. Hi, Chris. Fuck you. End of review. Oh my god!

Oh my god. I told you, this was review. Oh my god. Oh my god. I told you this was fun. That was good. This was fun. That was spicy like those olives. I tell you. Oh. That was good.

That was really good. I am surprised I found such quality ones because I found such few ones. Everything I found that worked, I used. Oh, wow. But they were such good quality, thank god. Because a lot of the reviews mentioned exes, but not by name. Oh, I used. Oh, wow. But they were such good quality, thank God. Because a lot of the reviews mentioned exes, but not by name. Oh, I love... See, I was trying to guess this guy's name.

Chris Classic. And there's a five-star review of a jeweler talking about their ex-girlfriend the entire time and going ring shopping. I was like, ooh. And then I realized they were just talking about their fiancé and they called them ex-girlfriend. Wait, what?

So they kept saying ex-girlfriend. It was very positive review. And I thought, man, this is kind of sad. And, you know, it sucks that like it's great of them to write this five star review. And then suddenly the language changed to fiance instead of ex-girlfriend. Oh, my God. That's not how that works. I know.

That's really not how that works. Because I was like, this is going to be juicy. And I was reading through it. No names mentioned mentioned of course and then i realized that they were just calling their now fiance their ex-girlfriend they're just must be so excited yes that they were like that is a dead term now i'm so happy for you um my next one is of a target in Seattle, Washington by Steve. This is a two-star review. Looks big from the outside, but watch out! It's small on the inside.

Reminds me of my ex, Jeremy. Fuck you, Jeremy. Give me my hamster back. Not enough cookie dough given the amount of stairs. Shitty home section. Lack of skin-safe bleach. Too much red. End of review oh my this person is in deep in what in their own feeling in their own brain i don't know somewhere dark i think it felt very personal and i don't mean personal against jeremy just whatever they were trying to

say only they could understand. Yeah, it was definitely the depths of their, the folds of their brain. Yes. Wowza. And we saw them unraveling. Skin safe bleach. I want my hamster back. That's very sad. There is a lot to unpack here.

Let's leave it closed. You think? Let's tape it closed. You think? Let's tape it back up and launch it into outer space. Fold those brain folds right back up. Please just squish them back up. It looks big from the outside, but it's small on the inside. Fuck you,

Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy, give that hamster back. Okay. I only have one more. Okay. All these are fun.

I know it sucks. I actually look for quite some time um we're through a lot but um i am honestly impressed with myself for finding four so yeah this is a lot uh this final one is uh by brent of uh university of california berkeley okay it's a five-star review this is the best public university in all of the land. It taught me all about the evils of capitalism, and it is also the host of many great events such as Occupy and Slot Walk, where I met my current girlfriend, Yoni.

The grading system is also the best. All you have to do to get a perfect GPA is repeat all of the professor's opinions back to them better than anyone else. They really open up your mind, and this is why I was voted best student seven years in a row. Yes, I really took my time, but that's what's great about UCB. It has such supportive and understanding counselors who are willing to help you mend your heart while continuing your studies after a blood-sucking Republican like my ex-girlfriend Daphne dumps you. I will finally graduate next year with a BA in cultural anthropology, and I'm so excited to venture out into the world and contribute in my very own unique way as I pursue social justice. I will always be grateful to UCB for the time it took into molding me into the real man I am today. End of review.

What? So that seemed weird. Satirical review. Yeah, okay. I didn't get that at first, and then I kind of got it. The reason why it's so strange to us is because I don't think we've ever had a satirical review that was a five-star review. Oh, that's a good point. That is the first time that someone who seemed to be trying to make fun of a place still gave them five stars. Wow. Usually, and you know what?

Props to them for still giving them five stars in order to continue the joke. You always just gotta continue the joke. Otherwise it gets ruined. If they give it one star, then it's very obviously satire and that's not the point that's right yeah you gotta play you gotta really play into it long game you know the seven years really taught him yes um uh i i do wonder about this when people are spending presumably i don't know a solid 30 minutes, an hour writing this review. Why?

You know, very good questions. That's like a very well thought out and well written review. Why are you doing this? And it's, I was weirdly impressed by it. Why are you doing this? I mean, you are an anthropologist. There's other things, right? That you can write about?

I don't think they're actually an anthropologist. Oh. I truly think that this was all made up. This is all a big joke. I really think that it might be. Oh, my God. I feel so like. Except the Daphne part.

I'm choosing to believe that's real because it fits the challenge. The blood sucking Daphne. One thing they did get out of it. They got voted 10 times useful, 23 times funny, and 6 times cool. Oh, it is. So, got a little bit of Yelp notoriety. Am I right? Am I right?

You are right. I think for sure it was cool. That part I got from the very. You cannot deny that. I mean, someone who's. People I got from the very... You cannot deny that. I mean, someone who's... People, don't write in and try to deny that. Someone who's voted best student for seven years straight, how can you deny that? Whatever that even means that they're saying.

You know what? Just as the rest of this episode, let's not unpack it. So do you think this person just didn't even go there? Like, how far does this go? How deep does this conspiracy? I don't know. They seem to have an understanding, or at least they think they have an understanding of this place.

Yeah, and they seem to like it well enough to be willing to give it five stars. They did at least go out of their way to do this. Very much so. So why? Yeah this very much so so why yeah very much so but we also spent a stupid amount of time first of all analyzing this review all right second of all reading a bunch of fucking disney reviews today places we will never go to most likely you're correct um except maybe disneyland again. I don't know. I'm liking this Disney Tokyo situation. Yeah, you're feeling that?

I'm feeling it. I think I'm going to accidentally end up there someday. It just really sucks that they don't speak as much English as we do here in the United States of America. They don't speak any English. Did you not catch this? Hong Kong and Japan, they don't speak English in either of these places. And Hong Kong, they're trying to kill you. They are.

It's a very, very violent place. Yeah. Alright. Alright. Well, that was that, folks. You know what? That felt like a weirdly solid episode for it being almost midnight, past midnight at this point. I feel like we wrapped it up with a nice little bow. Nope.

Don't think that, but... I guess we just taped it up and launched it into space with Jeremy's hamster. And you know what we can say to wrap this up nicely? What's that? Buy tickets. Oh, please do that. To our shows. God, dear God, help us.

Hopefully at this point we've announced the second show. Yeah, we have another show coming up soon. If not, well, stay tuned. Otherwise, go to beachteasandy.com slash tour and all of them are listed there all two all two of them or maybe one we'll usually just say what that second one oh yeah why not okay well we are doing a show in the cincinnati ohio area where we are famously from our hometown born and born and raised but uh our show is at the uh funny bone uh in liberty township yeah somewhere really random and far away but it is not in cincinnati but yes surrounding area that means people in dayton

and columbus can come too everyone can come please come because it's a big venue and we are really hoping to do more shows and if we sell these out we can do that otherwise it's kind of up in the air so please buy please please buy tickets we would love to see you there and there are um meet and greet options actually there are mean so if you want to meet us for the cincinnati show for the cincinnati one so come meet us also come to la if you're on this side of it yeah don't go to the la show come to yeah fuck that there's more chaos to be had at the dynasty type and maybe we'll find some more disney reviews for you oh wait that's probably true yeah um and oh also my rowdy raiders

i would love to see you why what are you saying what is this why are you saying this right state oh okay i was like i don't know what this means we're going to weird territory march madness champions this year okay probably not but i was like ah they don't know what this means. We're going to weird territory. March Madness champions this year. Okay, probably not. But... I was like, ah. They'll be in the tournament. So hope to see you guys there at the Cincinnati show or the LA show. We're really excited for these opportunities.

We would love to sell them out so that we can visit all sorts of different cities. And read shitty reviews of your local stores. How great would that be if we got to go to New Orleans and read just a bunch of New Orleans reviews to you live? Don't you want to hear that? Yes, please. Let's all go to New Orleans. I don't care if you want it. I want it.

I want it too. Come on. Do what we want. Okay. Hopefully see some of you guys soon. On that note. They're both in May, by the way. May 10th and May 17th.

Yeah, they're coming up. So hopefully see you there. Otherwise, tune in next week when we'll be back. Oh, do we have a theme? Oh, fuck. Can we just add that later? All right. So before we go, we're going to announce the theme.

Okay, the theme for next week is beaches in Sydney, Australia. We're going international again. Looks like we're going to have to film a youtube video over there shoot bummer oh what's my challenge okay your challenge comes from basically everyone who requested so a lot of people have requested we do something with dispensaries yes I have noticed this so I would like you to try to find a review of a dispensary that mentions drug testing. Interesting. So someone, what I'm thinking is someone being drug tested and mentioning it in their review

for a dispensary. Okay, that's good. Yeah, I like that very much. And if you can't find a dispensary, I'll include anything cannabis related. So if it's a specific product you find. Oh, okay. So I'm going to try to be a little bit like give you a little leeway just in case. It's a little rude of you.

Since we're recording this early, you have two weeks, so you have no excuse. I think it's a little harsh considering what happened to me a couple of days ago. You're not really taking my personal life into consideration. Considering I was drug tested four days ago and this is really hitting home in an emotional way for me yeah what should i do about it i think you should just feel really guilty yeah i really hope that's how you're feeling towards me my phone also just said beach you see any water too wet just posted an episode oh god yeah good job us um no i'm just teasing i'm so sorry that i brought up your breakup

i did not get drug tested the other day because that would be really weird since i work from home and alexander would be giving me the show test um you know that would be so fucking weird what if you just didn't trust me you were like don't close that door you you were like that giant you called it a giant candle we need to do another drug test something's wrong very wrong anyway all right everybody thank you for listening oh my god can't wait to talk to you next week see you there i guess you