Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 68: Beaches in Australia

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name and read reviews about beaches being too sandy and water being too wet! We'd say that's pretty 5-star worthy but we're a little biased. Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White.  Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly important message tickets are available now to see beach 2 sandy live in concert in podcast we are going to be reading one star reviews of local places our shows are in los Angeles at Dynasty Typewriter on May 10th and in the Cincinnati area May 17th at the Liberty Funny Bone. Hometown show! For tickets visit beach2sandy.com slash tour. See you there! Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, coming to you live from the Beach 2 Sandy Studios.

Here in Australia this week. We're in Australia at, um... Beaches. Disney Sydney. Disney Sydney. Disney Sydney. Wow, you guys had quite a reaction to our Disney episode. Yeah, it pleased me. Most of it was positive.

I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, we were a little nervous for that because we suck at Disney stuff and we don't know anything about it. But I feel like we're pretty clear about that. We never claimed to have Disney knowledge. If anything, people made fun of us for our lack of knowledge, which we were all about because we also make fun of ourselves for our lack of knowledge.

Which reminds me of this episode because I assume we're going to pronounce some things wrong. Yes, that is precisely what we plan to do. So all you Australians out there, please don't be too mad. Instead, make fun of us and laugh at us with us. Okay, maybe let's laugh at Alexander.

I have more comfort with that than... I'll take it. Great. So, Alexander, do you have anything to update the world on or are we just going to dive right to the the cool waves i was gonna say we'll just get started and then you said that so now i have to come up with something cool that was a terrible pun cruisers we're all trapped on a boat and coronavirus is taking over speaking of which i found some cheap flights to new zealand so i might do that that's what i'm saying we're

all heading on a cool cruise i could use a trip somewhere yeah join us why don't you yeah let me know if i should go to australia or where i should go i think maybe the end of may i just feel like like hong kong is supposed to be really cool yeah yeah and it like southern italy okay i would say those are my first two bets okay um i'll say you should write your will before you leave, because there are a lot of things in your room that I want. Oh, yeah? Like what? Like your cool, cool records. They're not in my room. Nice try.

Okay, I'm going to read a review before we talk more about me dying. Okay. Because it's not making me happy. My first review is of Bondi Beach. Yeah, me too. This is by Brayden. One star. Why is the I pronounced like that?

End of review. Oh my god, are you kidding? I am not. One star review? Yes. Brayden, Brayden, Brayden. Did it say where Brayden was from? I mean, I could guess, but...

Um, where would you guess? United States of America. It doesn't say, so I'm sure. braden was from i mean i could guess but um where would you guess united states of america it doesn't say so i'm sure okay let's go with that um yikes well people have really big problems i guess um i'm jealous and if you don't know it bondi is spelled b-o-n-d-i right that's why but not that that makes it make sense but maybe. Maybe he has a problem with every. Why is the I pronounced like I? Did this person like think this out? That's a good point.

Okay, well, my reviews of Bondi Beach are equally dumb. Good. This first one is a one star review by the Walker family. It's a TripAdvisor special. They have their own account? Of course they do. Cool. You know The Walkers.

Yeah. They have that big W on their welcome mat up front. Oh, yes. It swirls around it. And it says, walk on in. Yeah. Meet The Walkers. It does say that.

Yeah. They also all use Walkers. Off to a good start okay this is a one-star view by the walker family of bondi beach what's the big deal it's a beach with water waves lifeguards swimming etc But that's it. End of review. It has everything that it would be advertised to have. I actually misspoke. It says lifeguards for safe swimming. Oh. So you'd think that that's pretty high up on a priority list.

That's a star knocked off. The walkers like to live on the edge, though. You can't. That's what a terrible family to be a part of. Maybe I'm going a little too far with that. But it sounds like if that's how our parents felt about beaches and were so cynical and negative about a beach. About something so pleasant and fun on a family vacation. Gosh. It's a beach with water.

What's the big deal? What's the big deal? Okay, my next one is of manly beach. Oh, yeah. I avoided all of the ones about, oh, this beach didn't make me any more manly. I didn't see any of those. I saw way too many. Really? Interesting. My girlfriend commented that I don't have enough hair.

Oh, God. I'm not manly enough. Okay. This definitely plays right into my theory that reviewers on Google versus reviewers on tripadvisor versus reviewers on yelp are all a different breed yes i think the walker family is clearly in their own uh echelon if you will and then i won't and then uh these googlers that you seem to find i i hate them and i kind of wish that we hadn't split it up this way. I know. We should do a trade-off someday. We should.

That would be fun. Because the Google reviews these people or something. Okay, your turn. This is a one-star review of Manly Beach by Sydney. Got bit by a little shark. Left an eight-millimeter chunk in my leg. Not happy. End of review.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't know. Not happy. End of review. Oh my god! Yeah. What? I don't know. Once again... Wow. Okay. Once again, my...

I just... First of all, condolences. To that... Who is this? Sydney. Sydney. My condolences to you. However, you must have been real bored in that ER if your next thought was, what apps can I play on?

Oh, Yelp or Google reviews. Good point. I mean. I would like to think that they were like in the ambulance, phone chimes, take a look at it. How would you rate Manly Beach? Yeah. Because like, we see you visit it because if they're if that actually happened hey that's a pretty honest review that's kind of the way to go actually you

don't get honest reviews like that but it's incredible though how calm this person is i feel like usually the anger that i the seething anger i see in some of these very uh minuscule problems people have versus this literally got their leg bit by a shark yeah this is one where you know i would be in a i would be in a one-star mood if i had a chunk of my leg i would say however there is morphine that could play a role in this scenario so maybe then you oh okay if you waited long enough yeah could have been in a five-star mood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what happened.

Okay, so quick tip. Wait until the morphine before you write your reviews. Wait until the morphine kicks in. It calms you down. Okay, this is a one-star review of Bondi Beach by HB. After coming here, we all ended up with sand all over us and soaked to the bone after going into the sea. The kids all got sunburned as well three days later and their skin still hasn't stopped peeling. Awful quality here.

We will not be going back. Awful quality of what? This is like what our whole podcast is made of. I know. This is the basis. Have we read that one before? I don't think so. I mean, there is a review out there that we've read that literally says the beach was too sandy.

I just love that they complain that there was too much sand on their bodies. Yes. It's the same complaint. Beach too sandy, water too... Literally. Literally. Soaked to the bone after going into the sea. I mean, if you say you go to a Chili's and you leave soaked to the bone, that's a problem.

Wow. you say you go to a chili's and you leave soaked to the bone that's a problem wow but if you go into the ocean and then you're soaked to the bone correct that's what what do you expect i would say if you went into the sea and left bone dry something very very wrong has happened you know very true um but this is what i'm saying so much anger for this they didn't even get bit by any sharks as far as i can tell there weren't any sharks involved there's just a little too much sand and they don't know how to use sunscreen i mean it's all their fault it's nothing in there is anyone's fault but their is the quality of the beach is not very good. It's pretty awful.

Yeah, that's a good point. The quality of what? Like just the beach overall because it has water, sand, and sun? Yeah. These are just frustrating. But also, again, these are parents writing this because the kids got sunburned. Yeah. And their skin is still peeling three days later.

It's like, are you okay, all of you? Are they feeling so guilty that they're willing to blame the sun they're literally mad at the sun it's so dumb oh my god that's my favorite actually one we've done in a while that's a that's a good one okay so many layers okay i have another one of manly Beach. This is by Burok. Three stars. Council should do something about hungry birds. End of review. Now. Pigeon Forge!

Some people liked that joke from last episode. I loved that joke. That made me laugh so hard. I was... It was after midnight, that's why. All the birds should be deported and sent to pigeon well that's that's the thing though actually this could have two one of two meanings either these hungry birds are attacking this person and they're frustrated

about being attacked and bothered by these birds about being food or they see these birds withering away starving yeah i think it's more of a humanitarian council to come in to an animal save these animals animal terrian cause because that seems to be the only that these birds are in crisis somebody Somebody do something about these hungry, hungry birds. And hungry sharks. It seems like the sharks are a little hungry, too. I think maybe Australia, you are starving your poor marine life. I think that's what's happening here. That's a pretty big accusation.

Awful quality. All of the above. We need to make a new one for seagulls. Seagull Forge. A seagull Forge? Seagullsagulls. Seagull Forge. A seagull forge? Seagulls can't go to Pigeon Forge. No, they'd be laughed right out. Why do we have the same fucking...

Oh, no, this is getting really... Let's move on from that one. Okay, this is good. This is good what I have for you here. This is quite a story, a tale, if you will. I will. One Star by Lizabelle of Bondi Beach. Lizabelle?

Yes. That sounds like a very nice, solid Australian name. Lizabelle. That's not something I've ever heard before, but it sounds normal to me. So usually that means it's Australian. You know what I mean? No, but yeah, sure. One Star by Lizabelle.

Okay, it's late. Slack lifeguards. Unless you're a blondie with hot bods, the lifeguards are truly slackers. We were there with three young children and a baby. All three kids and myself were stung by a blue-bottled jellyfish. But then, my six-year-old daughter was grabbed in both legs by the jellyfish. Do you know what I'm picturing right now? What?

The jellyfish from SpongeBob. Yes, exactly. Oh my gosh. That's all I can think of. That's super aggressive. My six-year-old's legs, and it's, oh my god, okay. My goodness. That's terrifying.

But then, my six-year-old daughter was grabbed in both legs by a jellyfish, and she instantly cried out loud in pain. A lifeguard five meters away was chatting with a girl next to his vehicle and didn't care a bit i dragged my daughter all the way up the beach i'm sorry i carry her or something no no just drag her legs still have a jellyfish drag like pulling oh my gosh it's pulling the other way it's a monkey in the middle No, just drag. Her legs still have a jellyfish pulling. It's a tug of war. It's pulling the other way. It's a tug of war.

Monkey in the middle. Okay, sorry. I dragged my daughter all the way across the beach from near the water to the lifeguard tower. They did not see us waving for help from their watch windows. And they did nothing. Everyone around us were looking at us as my daughter cried in pain. As we reached the tower, a lifeguard walked down the stairs and ignorantly just pointed at the tower, directing us to go in there. Inside, we were only told to get to the nearest shower, and that's it. I knocked on the back door of the

tower, and the same lifeguard opened the door i asked him if he could help my daughter with anything as she was sobbing in pain on the floor she can't walk with her legs oh no this is so sad i never thought i'd be laughing i'm so sorry that i'm laughing at a six-year-old but isn't the one thing you can do pee on it like isn't that the thing yeah but I'm pretty sure that's a myth really I think so okay well I'm picturing this woman asking them for help saying please pee on my daughter's legs she's what if they're like hold on I'm gonna get some ice and then they come back and the mom is just like peeing. Yep. I pictured that too. Um, yeah, actually, uh, yeah, it is, it is according to scientific American. That is not the truth.

So please don't pee on yourself. I mean, you can pee on yourself if you want, but don't try to fix your jellyfish sting that way. Okay. Very inclusive of all people here. Good. All right. You know, I don't just want to be on themselves

and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do yeah so true i asked him if he could help my daughter with anything as she was still sobbing in pain on the floor she can't walk with her legs he told me to hold the door and left to get ice hold the damn door there was a clinic bed right next to the door and we were the only ones needing help in the tower. Three, three lifeguards were in the tower, attending no one, with one on the binoculars, watching out the window. I'm gonna find that jellyfish for you. Get revenge. So what were we? Rubbish in pain? I pulled my daughter in and lay her on the clinic bed and checked on her swelling. The guy came back with a plastic bag of ice and said, it'll be okay soon.

That's it. He didn't even give a good look or spend 30 seconds comforting her or whatever. I stayed there for a few minutes waiting till the painkillers I gave her to start working. I stayed there for a few minutes, waiting till the painkillers I gave her to start working. Good thing I carried Panadine in my bag and shoved one into her mouth the second I realized she had a jellyfish sticked onto both her legs. Oh my god. I texted Blaze earlier, what is Panadine? I'm waiting for a response. It's quite the image. He hasn't responded. I googled it. It said something about codeine and it makes me really anxious oh no i know i i don't think it is i don't think it's like a narcotic codeine phosphate i truly don't know what this

is i think this is not something maybe we use in the united states um so i'll just have blaze figure it out for me later uh right so she shoved a painkiller into her daughter's mouth. A second, she realized her legs were stuck by jellyfish. Okay. I was worried someone would ask us to leave as that lifeguard boy didn't even let us in. I was ready to really yell at him if he ever asked me to get my sick child out. So the Panadine finally worked and we walked back to our bags and towels. So the Panadine finally worked and we walked back to our bags and towels.

What a Bondi rescue, or shall I call it swimsuit ads. End of review. Okay, I thought it would rhyme or something. Wow. So what more could they have done? Well, actually, it's interesting you ask because there is a response from Andy, the Bondi Beach director. Yes. Now, I don't know if you know this, but there is like a show filmed here.

Yeah, Bondi Rescue. Right. And so it's slightly referenced, but just in case anyone's wondering. Sort of, I imagine it's sort of like Baywatch. Did she run on set? Is that what happened? Oh my god. Thinking they were real lifeguards?

That jellyfish was part of our dramatic soap opera scene. Okay. Andy, director at Bondi Beach, says, Hi, Lizabelle. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I have been stung by a blue bottle, and my young son was also stung at Bondi and screaming in endless pain. It's really awful. experience. I have been stung by a blue bottle and my young son was also stung at Bondi and

screaming in endless pain. It's really awful. I have to defend the Bondi rescue lifeguards on this occasion though. Believe me when I say they have seen thousands of blue bottle stings in their working career and they know that your daughter was not in danger for her life. I don't know their full medical scope but I understand the lifeguards would never administer strong drugs to a six-year-old. They would call the paramedics if need be. In fact, they told you the most effective treatment for blue bottle stings is running the area under hot water, which immediately deactivates the toxins. The lifeguards are there to save people whose lives are in danger. If they were attending to your daughter, they can't keep their eyes fully on the surf and be ready at a second's notice. If you watch the show, you will know every second

can count. If your daughter was stung, then soon many others would probably be stung too, and if they were helping your daughter, then they would have to help everyone, and that's when real mayhem can start at the tower. I'm sure you understand. Having said all that, however, even though the lifeguards have seen thousands of blue bottle stings, it sounds like they should have explained things more clearly and perhaps had a better bedside manner. It's so distressing when your child is screaming in pain, and they could have perhaps been more sympathetic to that. I'm sure you know the lifeguards really do an incredible job

and are actually not slackers at all. Thousands of people who have been saved will attest to that. Thanks for voicing your concern. you know the lifeguards really do an incredible job and are actually not slackers at all thousands of people who have been saved will attest to that thanks for voicing your concerns i hope you will return to bondi beach and enjoy a much better experience next time end of response that was a very solid well-rounded response your daughter is fine is what he was trying to say uh in so many words i mean obviously like you'll read i'm sorry like i don't know anything about this stuff but of course if they see it like an emergency they would act like it's an emergency i love how angry she was that one of them one of the lifeguards was

looking out the window with binoculars i know it's like that's his literal job why did not all three of them drop what they were doing and come to me he's trying to save actual people drowning and also she said her other children were also all stung including a baby so like what is the problem here okay anyway at least she had all her codeine on her whatever i like that they threw some shade there he's like i would i know they would they know not to administer strong strong drugs to six year olds. That's what the paramedics are for. Not your diaper bag full of medicine. I actually, again, I don't actually know what panadine is, but I believe it's probably just like a Tylenol.

But yeah, that's all. My next one is of Scarborough beach in perth this is by sandy two stars sandy get it yeah that's why i said it that way oh i made eye contact with you and you didn't do anything for like five seconds and then like oh sandy stared very blankly two stars. Nice drive to beaches, lovely on a hot summer's day, not good for winter season. End of review. Well, come on. It's someone blaming the weather,

blaming the seasons, blaming the environment for them not having a good time at the beach. That's like saying, oh, the ski resort was no fun in July. Mm-hmm. I mean, come on. Come on, Sandy.

Come on, Sandy. You should should know you're one with the beach first it's too much sand then it's too much snow you can't please them can't make them happy okay now this one that i have is um an interesting twist okay i searched our inbox to see if anybody has smart i didn't think to do that uh now in december maggie had sent us an email uh that reads i have recently started listening to your podcast and i have something i think you'll love so this is actually a hotel but it's called the huskisson beach hotel it's like a beach hotel maggie says i read the reviews mostly good but the owner responds to all the poor reviews and does not hold back so here we go.

This is a one-star review of Huskusen Beach Hotel by Muhammad. End of review. and now there is a response juicy so it says hi saddam i don't know why because the person's name is muhammad unless i'm missing something oh um just a side note that doesn't seem, um, well. Well, okay. I'm just going to read it. Hi, Saddam. So you booked for two people and there were seven adults, four children, and two camels.

So it will cost you more, okay? End of response. Oh my God. This guy's just being racist, right? Oh, I thought he actually had brought a camel. Christina, this guy's being a terrible racist to this guy. Is he not? I guess he is, yeah.

Calling him Saddam. I don't know, I thought... Because that was probably just meant in his mind, like... That hadn't hit me. And also, I thought maybe there were camels in Australia. You drew this whole thing of like... I did, I thought... Oh my god, Christina, you had this whole like...

Oh wow, that's horrible. Yeah. There are camels in Australia, Zandy. Okay. Can you read the response again? I don't want to. Now I'm embarrassed. I think that guy was just being racist, right?

Oh, Maggie, I'm sorry. I just made a fool of myself. Okay, so it said, disputed our visitor number, wouldn't show me the contract we signed, and treated us like criminals, stood in front of my car, and then the owner responds, hi Saddam, okay, you know what, I was there. That alone I was like, oof. I'm so sorry, I really, I'm so fucking ignorant, clearly. Hi Saddam, so you booked for two people, and there were seven adults,, four children and two camels. So it will cost you more. Okay. Okay. I hadn't seen the Sadam before. So that I hadn't really put two and two together until I read that out loud. Because.

Yikes. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, let's just move on. Well, let's just move on. I'm so sorry. My apologies, everyone. I really misunderstood this review when I first read it. So, or when I first half read it and clearly skimmed it and saw an emoji of a camel and assumed it would be a fun review. My mistake. I mean, every other one that has that emoji is going to be fun. I thought so.

So, wow. Okay. is going to be fun. I thought so. So, wow. Okay. Sorry, Maggie, to like, you know, make this really a wild moment. But thank you for your email. Maggie, what are you doing to our show? Your turn.

My next one is of Lady Bay Beach, and it's a nude beach. This is by Felice. Two-star review. I gave a two-star because after my partner and i were at this beach for a couple of times i was approached by perverts on the beach in the bushes and in the water i don't recommend at all end of review so i wasn't sure if in the bushes yeah who was in the

bushes all of them? Everyone? These hungry birds. Oh, it's the birds coming out. These hungry birds were approaching me in the bushes. These perverts. These perverted birds. Looking for a quick snack. That's really alarming if this is true, that there are people hiding in the bushes.

I don't like that. But I'm picturing that Felice and their partner were in the the bushes and then the perverts were also in the bushes approaching them to be approached in the bushes means you're also in the bushes that's right true and then in the water and then up comes a pervert out of nowhere in the water it's another hungry shark i can't figure this out clearly my brain is yeah we're we're struggling aust of a sudden. Australia's really confusing for me. Yeah. It's upside down, you know?

Don't. I wasn't going to make that joke. Maybe I'll end up there in May. Maybe. And never leave. Okay. I have a redemption. I think we need one. Yes, please. This is A Redemption of Bondi Beach by Frank. Five stars. What I like about this beach is that you could literally spend a perfect day in Bondi without ever venturing off the beach.

The fat half mile crescent of soft yellow sand frames. What? Yeah, I agree. What? What? Okay. What? Yeah, I agree.

What? What? Okay. The fat half-mile crescent of soft yellow sand frames and the frothy blue-white ocean stretching out to forever simply keeps you stuck there like an electrical field. Oh my goodness. It's beautiful, isn't it? It's not working for me. A plethora of surfers in black neoprene bop around patiently on the water, waiting for the perfect wave. And sunbathers scatter themselves across the sand in various states of undress, depending on the weather.

On any day of the week, acres of tanned flesh are on view at Bondi Beach. Hopefully on people. That seems... He sounds... they're having fun with this he sounds a little bit like a serial killer i just a little bit i'm just gonna put it out but at least they're having fun writing this review on any day of the week acres of tanned flesh are on view at bondi beach you'll see men wearing the briefest of briefs, women sunbathing topless. But it wasn't always so. Sometime in the 1940s, a legendary beach inspector named Av Laidlaw patrolled these golden sands, ruler in hand, ensuring that men's and women's bathing costumes conformed to bylaws governing public decency.

I know this sounds crazy, but it's true. Laidlaw escorted nearly 50 people a week off the beach. Circa 1945, the first woman braved Bondi in a bikini. And in 1961, a group of men wearing Speedo swimming trunks. Trunks. Was that your misreading? My bad. I should have known. Yikes. Speedo swimming trunks. Trumps. Was that your misreading? My bad. I should have known.

Yikes. Speedo swimming trunks. He once made international headlines for escorting legendary Hollywood actress Jean Parker off the beach. The overzealous laidlaw retired in 1969, eight years after the bikini was legalized in Australia. However, many locals say his ghost is once again stalking Sydney's beaches

because a couple of reverends are trying to ban topless sunbathing altogether. I believe women can only sunbathe topless in designated areas. The plot thickens. As I brushed the sand off my legs and headed for the shower, I couldn't help but perceive the feeling that old Awe Bladelaw was breathing heavy behind me. This took a turn. I actually enjoyed the history lesson. That was fun. Yeah, and it's true. I looked it up. And now it has taken quite the turn.

I confirmed factually that it was correct as i brushed the sand off my legs and headed for the shower i couldn't help but perceive the feeling that old blade law was breathing heavy behind me as the hairs on the back of my neck perked up end of review oh gosh i wanted more, at first I was like, no more. And then by the end, I wanted more. He's now wandering the beach with a ruler. Uh-oh. Yeah, measuring everybody. I mean, apparently he got to him talking about how he wants the topless bath, the sunbathing in designated areas.

Yeah, sometimes he hides in the bushes and jumps out and measures you. Sometimes he's in the water. Yeah. Oh, man. So that's that. That's a unique redemption. I expect nothing less from you. Sometimes he's in the water. Yeah. Oh, man. So that's that. That's a unique redemption. I expect nothing less from you. I don't like fun, normal redemptions.

No, you definitely don't. Well, I do. My last one is also a redemption. Oh, yay! So, I chose this one because I felt like my reviews weren't Australian enough. Sure. So, here is a review of Swanbourne Beach.

Swanbourne? Oh, for God's sake, God's sake. How would you say it? I don't know. Okay, Swanbourne Beach. I've made enough of a fool of myself on this episode. I need to just lay low. Well, I'm trying to take a little bit of the heat off of you.

Thank you. Just bring both of us down. Yeah, but anyway, so it's new to speech as well. Okay. I don't think that's too relevant, but here we go. This is by Peter, four stars. Used to go to Suwannee Beach during my uni days and play volleyball. Careful of jogging and don't run too far without your togs.

The OBH nearby was great for Sunday sessions in the 70s, where I once won a booby prize for 100 push-ups. End of review. Oh my god! Oh my god, Alexander, it's beautiful. I don't know what happened. It's magic. It's a review. I don't know what any of it means, but it's beautiful. Okay, I know. I actually looked things up.

Do you translate? Togs are like swimming trunks. Okay. So he was saying, don't go too far without your swimming trunks okay so he was saying don't go too far without your swimming trunks okay the obh is actually a hotel okay um sunday sessions i don't know what that means it could mean a lot of things um i was kind of thinking that would be fun to guess, but... Yeah, wouldn't that be fun? He did push-ups there, apparently.

Well, in the United States, it means church. Oh, wait, hold on, I actually found it. Sunday sessions of Perth, how Australians celebrate the weekend. Ah! Um... Ah, a couple of cheeky drinks with friends. Yes. Alexander.

This happens across the city from 3 to 9 over summer and is the best way to experience the Aussie culture. So basically, it's happy hour. This is amazing. The best venues host a relaxed, chilled out party zone to have a few drinks and catch up with friends. Now, do you know what they drink? Goon. What is goon? Boxed wine.

Oh, I thought they drink fosters sure that was a joke i don't know because australians i think would be really mad it's that beer that says fosters australian for beer but actual australians are like no we drink goon they drink goon and they have a they have a game a goon game oh yeah yeah yeah you told me about this uh-huh uh let me how she googles it because she doesn't remember it's called goon of fortune i didn't remember the name right i had to google it to make sure they called me in high school you basically put it on like a washing like a clothesline okay you never told me this okay oh yeah you clip on it the bag you take the bag out and clip it onto a clothesline okay you never told me this okay oh yeah you clip on it the bag you take the

bag out and clip it onto a clothesline what you're she's doing a motion like she's like swirling it around spinning it around what like a wheel of fortune what kind of clothesline is this the ones that like mom has this is perfect for a podcast format maybe just google goon of fortune okay so you clip it to a clothesline like the one that can spin in circles that can turn i know i know what you're talking about because mom has one whoever it lands on has to drink from the bag the goon until the next person spins it or something like that. So it's called Gooniforce. Great. Okay, Australia, I'm coming for you. Listen, it's a real thing.

Who wants to play a goon game in May? Because I'll be coming over. Okay. I'll be there too. And then a booby prize is like a gag prize, like for the last place person, at least that's what I read. Like a gag gift? Yeah, but like it's, you know, they give you,

we probably have a word for it that i can't come up with but it's where like if you're last place you get a prize but it's not a good prize but he did 100 push-ups so if that's the last place i'm pretty impressed these fit australians mate i can't believe it oh my goodness. I'm so impressed. You Australian people are going to hate me after this episode. And I'm so sorry about that. Well, thankfully we're done.

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry, everyone. I really am slightly mortified about what I did earlier. You have a chance to redeem yourself. It's probably not going to happen. I'll just tell you that right now. It's your challenge. Because my challenge was to find reviews of a dispensary that mentioned drug testing. redeem yourself it's probably not gonna happen i'll just tell you that right now challenge because my challenge was to find reviews of a dispensary that mentioned drug testing i forgot about that

i know i was watching your face to see how you just a fun one it was extremely difficult oh shoot really because most of the sites i found were that were on yelp were forums like how will I pass my drug test I smoked weed 16 years ago will I pass my drug test how to pass drug test where to get p4 drug test I mean so you learned a few things though at least I will say I actually knew most of it Blaze uh he used to conduct uh drug testing in Ohio no yeah no not for me uh in cincinnati and the stories he told were wild there was this one woman who because they have a temperature strip so you can't you have to have in a certain range because the human body doesn't brought a hot plate along this woman yeah they light them with lighters usually or heat them with lighters she made it so hot that it was steaming and she brought it out and uh blaze was like man we can't use this and she's like why

and he's like it's practically boiling like it's steaming and uh it's so hot there's no way this came out of your body and she goes oh i totally forgot to tell you i had a latte before this just the stuff people come up with is wild. So there was nothing really... Quick on her feet. Quick on her feet. That's true. So there was nothing really new that I personally discovered.

But I did find a couple. And the ones I found, I'm pretty pleased with. So this is a five-star review on Weedmaps.com. It is of Botanica Tucson by Jerrocks. Apothecary, you guys already know I think you're great. I've made that very clear by now. But today I'm here to tell all the patients that if any of you are looking for a job but are scared to apply because of a drug test, don't be. You are protected under Arizona state law. But first, you must arm yourself with knowledge.

Look at me. Look at JerBear. I'm looking. I'm looking. Look at me. I did the interview, he showed me around, and he offered me the job. Once we brought up the drug testing, I informed him that I was a medical marijuana cardholder. He said that was going to be a problem, seeing as you have to test clean to get the job. He obviously wasn't told about Arizona law.

Lucky for me, I came prepared. Arizona law. Lucky for me, I came prepared, armed with the Arizona Department of Health Services Q&A page printed from their website. I told him I wasn't arguing, but here is proof that I am able to test positive for marijuana under state law. He said he'd have to talk to his superiors and get back to me. As I walked back to my truck, he calls my cell phone saying there were no problems, I had the job. Like I said, guys, don't be scared. But make sure the boss says you have the job before you tell them about

your status. Get the job out of your skills, not on a threat. Anyway, hope you guys read this. You'll thank me later. End of review. That's nice. I know! I like this guy this i loved it yeah the q a page come prepared i i think that i mean um yeah i imagine for many jobs you know it shouldn't be i don't know it's i think it's silly like the drug testing thing yeah i mean it depends

i think a lot of times um i mean, I think for marijuana, sure. Yes. I will say, like, for, you know, school bus drivers and things like that, maybe let's make sure they're not on anything a little more heavy duty. Yeah. Probably smart. That's just so great that he used that platform to talk about, first of all, mention how great. He's like, you guys already know you're great. Five stars. And then. I told you guys already know you're great. Five stars.

I told you. And then, inform people. Yeah, inform the masses. Because I'm sure so many people go on these places, or go look up these places to try to get information. Guys, don't be scared. Don't be scared. Listen to whatever. Chairbear. Chairbear. Okay. My next review is

of Smokey's Smoke Shop. Vape shop and gifts oh what kind of gifts all sorts paraphernalia gifts this is five stars by lissa out of all the smoke shops in the bay i choose to only come to smok, not just because of their inventory. The people here are diamond. The first encounter I ever had here was crazy. I needed to pass a drug test and AZ helped me out. He suited me with everything I needed. He was such a rare find. Later, after I passed my drug test and got the job i came back to celebrate by buying a dime bag for my bong okay that's pretty great unfortunately the dime bag didn't work out and it broke my bong hashtag sad life but when i returned broken bong in hand joe greeted me with kindness and

understanding thanks again guy you really know how to help a girl end of review still in her Song in hand, Joe greeted me with kindness and understanding. Thanks again, guy. You really know how to help a girl. End of review. Stoners are pretty great sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this. I love that she's like, I did it. Now let's celebrate.

I'm here for that. Yeah. Kids don't do drugs. Okay. Okay, kids, are you gone? Do drugs. So you're going to tell the adults to do drugs? I mean, wait. Adults do drugs. okay kids are you gone do drugs what so you're gonna tell the adults to do i mean wait adults do drugs kids are you gone we have a message for all the grown-ups out there

do drugs yeah please children don't do that nobody stop it medical marijuana does not count okay i have uh just marijuana if you're in a legal state or marijuana, sure. Just marijuana. Get your marijuana on. You're right. You're right. You're right. OK, this is a review of Lucky's Organic Market, which sells also cereal, cereal and CBD.

Oh, well, a lot of CBD, CBD, cereal. CBD cereal. Cereal BD. Nope. I'll work on it. So just to be clear, that's why this review was selected, even though it's not a dispensary. Okay. Okay. Two stars by CG. If Lucky's markets are supposed to be a healthy option to food shopping,

then why do they have the smallest fresh produce section of all the grocery stores in Claremont? A small selection in the front left is vegetables and fruits, the back wall has some free-range chicken eggs, the butcher area has a few wild-caught meats, and the breads have... chemical preservatives. I know. I'm sorry. I should have warned you.

Wait, can I mention something else? Sure. Do they have other kinds of eggs, too? You don't often hear people specify the type of eggs. That's a very good point. Cadbury eggs? There's too many preservatives in oh god no can you imagine i can i yeah imagine it the olive salad bar is heavy laden with oil but no signs stating olive

peanut or sunflower oil so you really don't know if it's healthy or not most of the store is heavily processed junk foods with healthy looking low and fat- and fat-free labels. You do get to drink alcoholic beverages while shopping. In my opinion, you'll be lucky if you don't develop metabolic syndrome after shopping here. On a positive note, you can get low-fat, high-protein, no-sugar-added venison elk boar and occasionally bison meats in one-pound ground packages. BTW? Has anyone asked to see the product quality array of their cbd products to be sure that they are pesticide and herbicide free how much thc is in their cbd oil products

are you sure what was this like a call and response type thing expecting me to answer you just didn't say anything how much thc is in their cbd oil products 0.1 are you sure not at all would you pass a screening urine drug test for thc while using their cbd oil products absolutely not hmm oh like okay what's what's good job playing along thank you i took me two tries but eventually i figured out what you wanted a great job um that's a good i mean okay no that review's not good um i love he's like yeah you can drink while you shop and also buy like all sorts of free range meats and eggs and yada yada yada but there are chemical

preservatives in their goddamn bread which does actually bother me like i wouldn't leave a one star review over it but i'm like bread is so simple i don't need preservatives in my bread that i eat so and it's surprisingly hard to find if it's shelf i know but if it's on the shelf and whatever just don't eat it i mean i. I'm talking to this man, not you. Okay. But like, okay, then just go somewhere else. Yeah. Seriously.

That's just like, what if there, I'm sure you can find freshly baked bread. Go to an actual bakery. But bake your own damn bread. Bake your own damn bread. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Good one.

Bake your own CBD. Oh gosh. Yeah. Wow, good one. Bake your own CBD. Oh, gosh. But with the CBD, I think a good rule of thumb is if it doesn't say there's no THC, there's probably some THC in it. Are you sure?

No. That was my favorite line. It's when he's just like, how much is in it? Are you sure? Like, who is he talking to? I wonder if there is someone out there who was reading that review, came to that point, an answer and then read the next one was like oh gosh he's on to me yeah what they should have done is like enter enter enter a bunch of times so you have to like really think before responding yeah um what if yeah yeah i mean you know i'm not sure so i think uh cg really called me out to be honest so what wouldn't be the first reviewer to

call us out that's true wouldn't be the first person uh yeah to call us out and won't be the last i think you guys after this episode we're gonna get a ton more yeah i'm i'm gonna have i'm gonna feel bad about myself okay this next one is a one-star review by Exhale City. Aha, now let me explain. Vape shop. It is a smoke shop. However, I will say I discovered a new market. It is for synthetic urine.

And a lot of these places sell it to help you pass your drug test. That seems unethical. Really, does it? Is that legal? Of course not. Then how do they do that? They are a smoke shop and then people just know that they sell it. They don't advertise that they sell it.

I guess a big thing with the smoke shops, which we discovered in reviews in the past. Actually, it might be legal to sell it if you're like, I don't know. Yeah. I don't know what they're going to do with it. This bong is just a bong. Exactly. Exactly. It's not for anything.

Actually, I imagine it's perfectly legal to sell it. Yeah. I assume most of the use is for it. Yeah. What do they sell it as? Like, what do they market it as? Just hypothetically. Synthetic urine for the best pranks

there you go yeah i have no idea for jellyfish stings alexander that's it it's genius huh frick that's it oh my god okay it all comes together somebody write that down do you here's a one-star review of Exhale City. I want to be clear. It's X-Hale. Oh, I could tell by your tone. Oh, thank you. I'm glad. Glad I came across.

This is a one-star review by EW. We'll never patronize this place again. I went in yesterday and bought a detox after speaking with the worker, young, nice, white girl. After going over some options, I decided to buy the $55 drink and two drug tests, making my total purchase $65. I go back today because I drank the juice as instructed and then I took the drug test and was still receiving a positive result. Long story short, when I walk in today, the girl at the counter is acting like she is the damn police i told her what happened and mentioned i had to take a drug test and this chick tells me she can't sell me the

synthetic urine because i already mentioned taking the detox furthermore people buy synthetic urine for novelty purposes too see just like point them point them out to me please jellyfish things point one person out to me and cool pranks with a z that sells or that buys synthetic urine for those purposes tell me give me anybody don't point at me hey i swear okay i'll think about it furthermore people buy the synthetic urine for novelty purposes too so. So are you fucking kidding me? You work in a fucking smoke shop, let alone your ass was vaping on who knows what when I walked in. But you want to fucking police me and deny me a sale of synthetic urine? Cool.

Whoa. I didn't expect that cool. She needs to take a little smoke i think out back and come back in later my goodness you don't ever have to worry about me bringing my business here good luck with staying open considering all the businesses are either closing down or moving elsewhere because of the skyrocketing rent your faithful customers aren't looking for someone who's trying to act like the damn police. There are plenty of other smoke shops within a two to five minute driving distance.

I'll patronize there. End of review. Then just do it. Okay, so I am a little confused though. So they bought a detox kit. Yes. And then they were still receiving positive results. Yes.

So they were like okay next step is to get the synthetic urine i don't understand that and i think maybe it's because she said i need it for a drug test maybe that's why honestly yeah that's what it sounds like it's like when i've read a review in the past and i think i was a little confused about it where someone bought a bong or was going to buy a bong or something but met or no it was about someone getting thrown out for saying weed in a smoke shop oh that's right and i think that's probably what this is where they the problem is if the person says i'm going to use this for something illegal they can't sell it to you which makes actually makes so much sense i wonder if it would

be they don't want to get and yeah no they don't want to get, yeah, no, they don't want to be involved in that. Just shut your mouth and buy it and leave. And just, or maybe just say it's for novelty purposes. Lie so that you don't put the responsibility on this employee who could lose their job, this business that could close down. You heard it here first. The bad boy of podcasting wants you to lie to a store owner. Better than making them take the blame for something and closing down their business.

What are you, the damn police? Okay. Yeah. Now, to make everyone feel better, maybe. I don't believe you. I found a redemption. This is of a store called Music Revolution that sells synthetic urine and smoke products. God, what are these?

What is that name? I'm telling you. They sell like music. Like it's mostly a record store and music store. Okay. For some reason I'm picturing musical instruments. Like a guitar center. It might be.

With like a weird room that has synthetic urine. Really? A whole room. And the bongs. It has those beads that you have to walk through oh boy but you can't say the w word that's good oh no god forbid okay this is a five star review by kevin of music revolution this place has what you need to pass a drug test i needed to take a pre-employment test.

Also, once again, these people writing on the internet that they're faking their drug test. Their employer just needs to Google their damn name. Oh, man. Bold. The risks these people take to inform the masses. It's incredible. Good for them, I guess. American heroes.

This place has what you need to pass a drug test i needed to take a pre-employment test and i'm a patient under doctor supervision for marijuana i came in and bought agent x synthetic urine and if you follow the directions they tell you you will pass just make sure it's within temp range And by that he means don't drink a latte. Don't go to Starbucks. That makes it too hot. It boils it. It boils it. Oh, God. This place also has some cool bongs, pipes, and smoking needs.

They also sell street clothing and paint for street artists. What a unique store. Where is this located? I want to to go i wish i could remember uh oh i found it it is located in whittier whittier california oh okay where's that that's not far that's where i'm going for my trip in may instead of new zealand wait i was like hold on what 17 miles away do you really just change course that quickly oh because you want to go to music yeah just to go to music okay they also sell street clothing brands and paint for street artists thank you music revolution for your advice especially from

the older gentleman working there he said he has been selling synthetic urine for over 15 years. And boy, he sure knows his stuff. Sorry. What do you do for a living? I'm a synthetic urine salesman. How long have you been in that business? 15 years. Can you believe it?

But imagine the technological breakthroughs that have happened in the synthetic urine industry. I mean, at the beginning, it wasn't synthetic. Exactly. It was just urine. He was just selling his own urine to people. He really worked his way up. And he got sick of drinking so much liquid.

Yeah, yeah. So he decided to synthesize the process. Synthesize it. And I feel like that's probably why he got confused and opened a music store. Yes. It all makes sense. He had to bankroll his lab time. Yeah.

He's an American hero. That's all I can say. We've heard from many today. Many. So many. And Australian heroes also. Yes, Australian heroes. Mostly those people in that tv show about life bondi

rescue yes this place is mostly a smoke shop but remember that times have changed and cds are not in especially with everyone downloading how old is this person i don't know the answer is old i can't even finish a sentence okay remember that times have changed and cds are not in especially with everyone downloading but they have cool stuff end of review okay that was a decent solid you had some solid reviews on there okay i'm impressed the first one was of an actual dispensary um then a smoke shop and then it kind of but i also told you that you can do that cannabis because just cannabis related okay okay good yeah because uh it it took a lot of expansion to find that was a tough challenge but you found

plenty i didn't think you'd have that many honestly oh well i am glad that i uh exceeded your expectations if you will. Sometimes do. Because they're very low. Rarely. They're very low. Fuck you. Okay. Cool.

Well, so now what? You just give me the theme, I guess? Well, our theme is a special theme. Why? We are doing a special St. Patrick's Day episode next week. Yay, St. Patty's Day. So we are going to find all sorts of craziness that has to do with St. Patrick's Day episode next week. Yay! St. Patty's Day! So we are going to find all sorts of craziness that has to do

with St. Patrick's Day. Oh, does that mean I don't have to find a challenge? Correct. I'm desperately looking in our inbox. Correct. Okay, that makes me happy. And feel free to email us some things, too. We do go through our email to find things. Because you guys find really weird funny stuff that sometimes happens to fit our theme or our challenge.

Because believe it or not, we cannot find every single saint patrick's day themed review what i know it's too many so if you have some that you like send them into beach to sandy at gmail.com also pretty soon we're going to be doing our um or at some point in the next few weeks we're going to do another uh youtube q and a so if you want to join that it's for our patrons only so go to patreon.com slash beach to sandy also come to our live shows beach to sandy.com slash tour also blaze text me that he has never heard of it and had to look it up and believes it is a european version of tylenol tylenol with codeine okay you just stuff it in your child's mouth yeah we know what it's used for so we don't need

to tell clear what it's used for i shouldn't have even asked jellyfish things stupid me stupid thank you everyone for listening thank you and uh we will see you next week with a uh special episode get your green beer ready and all of your cool necklaces what are those necklaces for what necklaces i don't is that mardi gras sure will you show your boobs and you get in like beads well don't they wear them on saint patty's day too christina i don't think i've left the house on saint patrick's day in five years not out of not proud of that fact well let's make it six bye everyone