Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 69: Saint Patrick's Day Reviews Extravaganza

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick's Day! Christine even sings and you definitely don't want to miss it. So pop out your Enya tape and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, jimrsbjorklund, and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. This is a very special episode for three reasons. Can you guess them? Okay. Number one, it's St. Patrick's Day episode.

Correct. Number two, quarantine. Correct. Number three. Drum roll, please. Oh, God. I actually can't come up with anything. 69!

Oh, shit. You're such an idiot. Okay. Before we started, I was thinking, oh, maybe I should look up what episode number this is. Nope, I did it for you. So I don't look like an idiot. And now you look like an idiot more than I do, so we're good. I'll always take that burden off your shoulders.

Thank you. than I do so we're good. I'll always take that burden off your shoulders. Thank you. Welcome everyone to our special quarantine episode where we're celebrating St. Patrick's Day behind closed doors and not drinking. No. It's really fun. That's I think. It's okay. I did go to the grocery store today. Why? It felt kind of like I was at a bar on St. Patrick's Day day was it really everyone's shoving each other around they so you you are giving me the virus right now probably they are limiting ramen to one pack per family one ramen what like a 99 cent like just whatever ramo whatever it is singular i i don't know i always buy them in like big packs yeah now they're individual sale now what one for family i'm not making that up h mart oh i did see some videos

from h mart people are going crazy anyway this is not about me this is about our special what is this about 69th episode uh this is about st patrick's day what's our podcast called oh it's called beach tea sandy water too wet um i'm christine i'm alex and we're gonna read some terrible reviews and this is our yeah special saint patrick's day episode so we thought of the day of saint patrick's day and i at least went very tangentially from there you did did? Oh, God, yeah. Okay, I also went some very uncomfortable ways, and I'm so sorry. Okay. I don't know what that means. You go first.

But I guess I'll go first. Start off pretty traditional. Okay, okay. This is of the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin, Ireland. Oh, that's a good idea. A one-star review by Chris. Found a plastic ball in a draft can beer is this a contest beer tasted bad end of review did i win um if it were normal you giving a

one-star review would make you ineligible to win. Do you know what that is, though? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they have those in there. It is called a widget. Thank you. I'm reading an article. I did not know that. Business Insider says that you should be thankful for it because it makes your beer taste like it was just poured fresh from the tap.

Yeah, I think it, like, I'm not even going to pretend like I know what it does. But that's not a contest. I believe it does something with the nitrogen and pressure. That's exactly what I was going to say. I'm so glad that you confirmed my suspicions. I only screenshotted the first paragraph of the article, but I read the rest. It was interesting. Well, I'm super proud of our friend for winning this great prize. Yes. Good job, Chris. He won the prize of being on our show. What a special day for him, Chris. Thank you. You're welcome.

Right in. We'll send you something special. Okay. That was good. All right. So my first one is also very traditional. It's of a restaurant on TripAdvisor. It's called Elena's South Restaurant in Florida. This is one star by Coral. by Coral. Worst corned beef and cabbage ever. Arrived at this family-owned independent casual restaurant for the traditional St. Patrick's Day corned beef and cabbage dinner. We came through the front door at the restaurant's shift change. The cashier slash host person finishing up her shift could not have been more rude and abrasive. After she yelled at us, we were seated at one of the many empty tables available. Our server was delightful. We ordered the corned beef and cabbage dinners. Quickly,

she served us. The corned beef was prepared deli corned beef sliced paper thin and about three ounces of meat. The cabbage was mush. It was so overcooked. The potato one piece and the overcooked carrots all cold. We've had corned beef and cabbage dinners at this establishment for years. They always use the traditional meat cooked for hours, always tender and sliced generously. Do not order corned beef dinner here. Their kitchen is changing. Shortcutting your guests to save a small amount of money tells me management.

Tells me management is heading down a slippery sloop. Is that why you use this review? Just for that? Yeah. Because that was five minutes of someone just being annoying. I even cut out like two paragraphs. Oh my God. I'm sorry.

I know it was so long, but there's more. There's more. Oh, thank goodness. Slippery Sloop. It's literally spelled S-L-O-O-P, which you'd think would at least get auto-corrected to something. No? I don't know. I don't know how you would think that slope is spelled that way. We've had some more understandable misspellings in the past. Oh my god. That one I don't understand. As we were heading to our car, we overheard three other local couples saying the worst St. Patrick's Day corned beef they have had in all the years of their lives. I've learned a lot about supposed American Irish culture. Oh, have you? Yeah. yeah coral in florida corned beef i'm like

okay i didn't know that was a traditional thing doesn't look great but um okay there's more in all the years of their lives my guests and i will not return to elena's the end of an era p.s we did complain to the management on duty. End of review. Oh, good. It was a combo of, I mean, it was 99% slippery sloop. But also, the thing about other couples. Yes, I like that. We overheard three other couples in the parking lot. Solid cliche, but this one's about corned beef.

I think that's a new one. Welcome. Yeah, I don't think that many people get around to complain about corned beef. Actually, they do. Oh, they do? At least. Yeah. Just wait till my next review. Oh, my God.

Corned beef doesn't look great. I'm not going to lie. You know what? I would agree with you. My next one, I'm going a little bit, this is so bad. Okay. Oh, God. This is of the Boston Irish Famine Memorial.

Oh, God. It's a statue. I've been there. Yeah? On a tour. Well, maybe you know Richard. It was a ghost tour. Okay.

Well, Richard has this to say. One star. Still too many survivors. Parentheses. I do not like Boston, and I do not like the people there. End of review. Oh my God. You can't say that.

Richard just did. Too many survivors. And Richard is a local guy. Richard! I don't know how he achieved that title. Maybe he, okay, maybe he wrote that review and then thought, he looked in the mirror at himself and went, I don't like the people here. And it's a reflective review of his own existence.

I mean, the memorial is just a giant mirror. That would make sense. What? I don't know. Survivors. Of the potato famine. There's one too many. I cannot believe he said that.

That's a fucking horrible thing to say. No, it's terrible. And also has nothing to do with anything. Oh, yeah. Like, yes, there are Irish people and descendants in Boston, but what? I don't know. I don't know. Who the hell knows?

Richard. Yeah, I probably do know Richard. Come to think of it. Okay. So this next one was actually emailed to us from kristen hi kristen it says hello alex and christine just listen to the show where you requested saint patrick's day reviews my first thought was irish bars on saint patrick's day as i have seen some wild things at saint patrick's day celebrations back when i was in my early 20s and could handle crowded bars as opposed to now

where if a bar is packed i will know thanks right on out of there same that's how i am i have always been all of these bars are places i have been to on st patrick's day once upon a time hope you enjoy love you guys kristin this is a review of the dubliner restaurant we can have a timeline of kristin's life i only picked one of the series i'll check the email later this is a timeline that existed one time and space. Oh, okay. Pinpoint. The Dubliner Restaurant. One star review by Carol. Worst Irish food I have ever tasted.

The Guinness burger is unseasoned and to charge $15 for a patty hash brown and cheese sauce smothered in onion rings fried with fish oil is most definitely an embarrassment to Ireland. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I need a breath after that. I need to know what this is again, please. Okay. The Guinness burger. Also, they said it's unseasoned, which it seems pretty overseasoned. It seems like there's way too much going on here. That is so true. The Guinness burger is unseasoned and to charge $15 for a patty hash brown and cheese sauce smothered in onion rings fried with fish oil is most definitely an embarrassment to Ireland. Patty, hash brown, cheese sauce...

Smothered in onion rings fried with fish oil. It's an embarrassment to me, personally. Fried in fish oil? Is that normal? It's an affront to my very existence. I don't know, but there's more. But, wait, I don't want more. Too bad. I'm still processing that the rest of our party had the irish stew which consisted in one piece of tough stewing meat and a bowl of boiled potatoes and carrots which was covered in a gravy tasting of liver needless to say everyone

had food poisoning within 45 minutes you did need to say that if that were the case needless i don't think so i think i pretty much gathered on the third line of that that they probably were ill afterwards. I can say I've never had food poisoning, but does it ever act that quickly? No. Actually, it usually takes one day, I think, or one 12-hour period. It was 45 minutes. That must have been pretty rancid. It was probably all the fish oil you ate the night before, I think.

You just can't double up on that. You can't. Especially gravy tasting of liver. I don't know. There's very specific thoughts that went into this review. And they said they can't charge $15 for all of that. And that's the biggest fucking grossest sounding burger I've ever heard of. So, I don't know.

I do love that Kristen went there at one point. And I wonder if she ever experienced this scenario. Well, the fact that she didn't provide any specific details means that she probably ate all sorts of crap. Sounds like her. Sounds like Kristen. I hope her stomach is better. Okay.

Your turn. My next one is of the Consulate General general of ireland uh here in the world i told you i went off on a tangent okay um based in uh in in la it's in la um it's this review is by someone who has a russian russian name that i don't know what it says. It's a five-star review. Okay. I am a citizen of Russia. I have a residence permit in Ireland. My baby was born in the USA and has only U.S. citizenship. How can we return to Ireland? Thank you.

End of review. I just can picture someone with a fake account going, just send me your social security number and $500500 and I will help you get back to Ireland. Thankfully, I think only the business can respond to this. Oh, good. Okay. I tried. I do wonder how people, like, did that ever get solved?

I don't know. Or is she just waiting for... The business didn't respond. For Yelp. The consulate general did not respond what a shock um but yeah it was just what i really liked about it was they were still willing to give that five star review to be like hey i scratch your back you scratch mine wink wink here's a five star review get my baby get my baby over to ireland yeah i hope that all got worked out i don't know i did

too i didn't check for updates be Be careful though, because Richard is like, you know, howling around. Is that even a word? I don't know. Richard is prowling. That's what I meant to say. Prowling. For Irish people, apparently. Okay.

I did something called Do What Alexander Does, and I found an app for a few. Oh, good. Do you have any? No, because I app for a few. Oh, good. Do you have any? No, because I couldn't find any. Oh, damn. Okay. Oh, but you looked.

I looked. Okay, because I avoided all Apple Store ones. Oh, no. Good, smart, but I looked through so many, and they were so bad, but not like interesting. Not fun bad. Yeah. Okay, well, I found one on Google Play. This is a St. Patrick's Day sticker photo app. This is a three-star review

by suspicious fish dish i have a lot of weird food shit going on i don't know specifically fish yeah yeah yuck okay this is a one uh no sorry this is a three-star review who else just love ireland hard emoji, heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji. Parentheses. I'm not Irish, but I love Niall Horan from one... Niall Horan. How do you say that? Isn't it Neil?

Or wait, how do you spell it? It's Niall. N-I-A-L-L. Oh. You pronounced that Niall? God, we're so old. What? You pronounced it Niall.

I think that's right. Okay. This is so bad. This is all right teens i'm sorry i'm not irish but i love nile horn from one direction and he's irish end of review children should not have access to app store reviews why who else just love ireland i'm googling how to pronounce his name pronounced night i know how you pronounce his first name no i didn't google it i'm just a cool youthful hip teen renee taught you um that's actually true i one. So speaking of tangents.

Oh, great. I thought, what kind of singer? Like who's from Ireland? Niall Horan. Turns out Donovan is not. He's from Scotland. So I didn't use him. Okay.

Were we on the. Because that was my first thought. Oh, I see. Okay. And then I thought, well, then who else is there? And of course I thought Enya. Enya's Irish? Yes.

Is that a way? No, that's Celtic woman. Also Irish? Celtic. Okay. Keep going. Ooh. Oh, man.

Okay. Hmm. I'm going to read you an Amazon review of The Very Best of Enya, deluxe, Amazon exclusive. This makes me very pleased. Dawn says, kill me now. Oh. Gave a one star review. I heard one of the songs that I was getting a scan of my kidneys. I guess it was supposed to be

soothing. It was, so I bought the CD. Now I want to kill myself when I hear it. The most depressing thing I've ever heard. Boring, boring, boring. New age crap. End of review. And.

I guess it was supposed to be soothing. And it was. It was. So I bought the CD. Really? I guess. Once the, like, anesthesia. Anesthe.

Anesthesiologist. We can't do this today. Okay. I'll help you. Can we postpone? An today okay i need to i'll help you can we postpone anesthesia anesthesia thank you what that was so bad yeah once once that uh wore off and you didn't sound as good i like how you think that anesthesia was happening when he was getting a scan i was kidding it was uh also how did he okay here's my question either one there's two options here yeah one is he shazammed it while he was in the mri machine to figure out what the song was or two he got out

and said remember that track three tracks ago what song was that because i really need the cd full album oh man oh yeah this this is painting all sorts of pictures i need to figure out how he and he was on anesthesia the whole time. He was. Heavy doses. He actually was on it before he left for the place. Oh, he took it at home? He did it at home.

Oh, yeah. He got a kit for it. Oh man, no wonder he's bored by this depressing music. And yeah, it does make me a little bit depressed. Okay. I mean, some of the songs are good but it's it's all some of it's a little well most of the reviews were like how can you have a best of cd and not include this song and this song and this song go away everyone okay now i don't here's a problem this whole episode has been very that's what's what I meant. Here's the problem. Here's the problem is I don't know if this is

funny at all. It's funny to me. I don't know if it's funny. That's what counts the most. Okay. We might delete it. We'll see. Okay. Felt funny. Might delete later. Here we go. This is the

Amazon review of St. Patrick's Day candy mix assorted. It's supposed to come with like what candies are in there it's like snickers and shit like it's supposed to it they're green wrappers or something okay it's supposed to be like festive wrapped candy i don't know it apparently it's all had two stars on amazon of like 300 reviews it was not good paula gave uh gave this assorted candy mix one star i hope you like whoppers is that it yeah there's supposed to be eight kinds of candy in there so i think uh oh sorry the subject was also deceit i forgot about the subject was deceit does it not mention whopp forgot about the subject. It was deceit. Does it not mention Whoppers in the description?

I feel like Whoppers. Maybe not. Oh, it does. There are Whoppers in it. Yeah. Well, I can tell. I don't know. Whoppers are an acquired taste.

I don't like... I actually do not like Whoppers. And I'm not saying they're like fancy or anything. But I used to hate them, and now I love them. I don't like them. I don't know what it is. It's that malty malty crap well that's the thing is i never liked malt growing up and then now i'm just it's my now you're wearing loafers wearing my slippers you gave me these things have changed yeah i'm changed man your turn my next one is of ryanair the oh airline yeah the discount airline this This is by Pat Rick.

So I'm not sure if it's Patrick or his name is actually Pat Rick. It's Patrick Rick. One star review. Oh, by the way, Michael O'Leary is the CEO or the owner or whatever. Of Ryanair? Yeah, that's relevant. Okay. Michael O'Leary changes his cabin bag policy more than he changes his

underwear hope you go bankrupt end of review too many survivors am i right what what is the what glad i said that other survivor one like early so that you can just talk about all these people dying it's a slippery sloop if I ever go. Sorry, what? What is this? A review of the airline? The airline, yes. On what platform? On Google.

Okay, it's of their corporate headquarters. Oh, that's stupid. Yeah. They went out of their way to review the corporate headquarters. Their bag, like luggage. Yeah. I immediately thought barf bags. Why?

I don't know. I i thought what kind of bags are in the cabin whoppers that's why maybe i'm thinking fish oil fish oil left and right cabin bag policy so i assume like i thought they meant throw up bags no you were wrong okay um i don't want to think about that man's underwear but here we are well i wasn't is that what you're thinking of yeah i was thinking about the cabin bag policy this is a review of the saint patrick's oh no why did i do this i forgot i did this okay this is a review of saint patrick's day festival in los angeles oh no okay there's no description except there's like no description at all. And then it just says good for kids. No. So that's like the only qualifier except from reading reviews.

The context I learned is that this is for Yelp elites. You know how they put on. I don't know if you know this. Yes, I did know that. Okay. I've been deep in the Yelp world. I don't know how much people know. But Yelp puts on like Yelp elite events where businesses around the city come and give out free stuff. And you get to just go and party for all your great help to the world.

All your service to others. I can tell how much you mean it. Can we get like an honorary so we don't have to do the work? Can we just get an honorary? That's what I'm thinking because I think we've read more reviews than anyone else on the planet so yeah that should count for something i agree except um i think yelp explicitly said they want nothing to do with us we did ask and they did say no yeah well it was in a specific context yeah but they still said they did say no so this is a five-star view by Jessica, who's a Yelp elite, obviously.

And I hate myself already. I do. Oh, God. Am I going to hate Jessica? I don't want to. We like to party. We like to party. The St. Paddy's bus is coming and everybody's jumping.

L.A. to Tagland Cultural Center. An intercity disco. the wheels of steel are turning and traffic lights are burning so if you like to party get on and move your beer fest body us yelpers know how to party i'm just gonna keep reading reading. I'm not interrupting this. Us Yelpers know how to party. So many beers to try out, it almost felt illegal to try them all. Karaoke was available and so was a dancing floor,

but what made this entertainment section even greater was their photo booth. Of course we took pics, come on. I even got to shake my booty with Ellen, Valerie, and Michael. Famously, Three Musketeers of Yelp. I saw Ellen and I went, holy shit, Ellen was there? And then I saw Valerie and Michael

and went, oh no, that's not the same. I even got to shake my booty with the, what did you call them? Three Musketeers of Yelp. Yeah. Yep. Ellen, Val, and Michael. And then what is Jessica like?

The tag along. Yeah. She just gets to sometimes be a part. Oh, sad. I have to say this was probably the best time I've had in a while with a group. Besides a few of us being tipsy, we all had laughs, shared conversations, and of course took way too many pictures. Thank you to the Yelpers that made this event entertaining. I look forward on hanging out with you guys again soon.

Hey, how does it go? Hey now, hey now, here's what I say now, we'll be there for you. I had to go listen to the song on spotify to remind myself the yelper bus is coming the yeah the yelper bus is coming we like to party we like we like to party end End of review. Oh, my God. The Yelper bus is coming. We're big Venga Boys fans in this household.

Yes, this is true. This is extra special for me. We did buy the CD after that MRI we had. It was so soothing that we went and bought the album. Oh, it was so nice. What's that other one? Ibiza. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, Ibiza. I, yeah. Okay. Um, yeah. Yeah, Ibiza. I did the DJ motion. The Yelper bus is coming. I like this. I wonder. That was incredible. There was a karaoke machine and I wonder if this was part of her repertoire like that

she's saying. I hope so. I do too. Yeah. But, um, one thing I want to say is when I edit the music in, I'm not going to edit music in. It's going to be complete silence. I hate that you do that. You know what you did when I sang that one about Calamar?

You did put that really awkward nursery rhyme music. But that's like nursery rhyme music that we can't probably get copyrights struck for it or whatever. Yeah, you know exactly the worst ways to go about this. Yeah, so this is going to be nice and quiet background and your beautiful voice tickling the ears of our listeners. I'm so sorry. Ellen, Val, and Michael. That just made it all okay. It doesn't matter what we've fucked up so far this episode.

It doesn't matter. Great. That was just the best. Happy to contribute. Thank you. Okay, my next one is of saint patrick's cathedral this is a one star in dublin this is a one-star review by claire my mom and i were asked to leave the service because we are roman catholic the priest told

us to quote find a roman catholic church it won't be as nice as this one but nice in its own way seriously there was a sign as we entered all are welcome to worship how ridiculous and what the fuck i'm wondering what kind of backstory there oh there's something missing there's some context there's something here my friends yeah i am wondering if in the middle of mass they just started singing instead of like whatever version they sing in the Irish Catholic, they start singing the Lord's Prayer. I have no idea what is different between. I also don't know. I didn't even know there was much of a difference.

Well, actually, what denomination do you think St. Patrick's Cathedral is in Dublin? Irish Catholic. No. What? I know. That's what everyone else thought what is it it's um the church of ireland which is closer to like protestantism oh yeah they are known for their very strict uh policies it's like it's a subset of like the anglican letting people inside their buildings are you making that up yeah i don't know what i'm okay because i'm like oh really no but yeah and so a lot of people were like you guys stole saint patrick from our from catholics

he's our saint give him back we miss him so much yeah so okay these people got kicked out and i have a feeling it wasn't just because like how else how would they how would they have known that they were catholic right like how like what is he interrogating the priest goes around and asks everyone maybe kind of want to try that that's a petty priest and i'm i'm all about it if that's the case however i don't think that's the case i think probably they went in and said we're roman We're Roman Catholics. That's right. Which is famously what we do when we go to churches. Even when we go to a Catholic church, you have to announce it.

It's part of the new... It's part of the... What's the thing? I know exactly what you're thinking of, and I can't come up with it. Like the Nicene... Yes! The Nicene Creed. Hold on. Not a convention.

It's sort of like a convention, right? I think it's like the Pope's convention. I'm pretty sure. I'm googling the Council of Nicaea. Okay. That's what you were thinking of. I googled changes to Mass Pope.

Didn't do anything for me. So the first council of Nicaea is what led to the it was the first effort to attain consensus in the church blah blah blah about stuff. Cool.

I'm so glad we didn't do our other plan, which was to have a religious, a Catholic podcast. That was our other option. We were really stuck deciding between the two. Yeah. We're going to go interview different priests at different churches. Like we even had the Pope on board. Yeah. To talk about the Nye.

What is it? The Nye scene? The Council of Nicaea yep and uh we said sorry yeah you gotta get out of here sorry bub you stole some saint or something no no they we want to steal him oh god i need to i need to maybe go to church that's our next crusade um okay well let's take us somewhere else. I think that was extremely informative. Do you guys feel smarter? Because I sure don't.

Don't answer that. Okay. My next review is from Amazon. This just gets dumber and dumber. I'm literally just dragging us into the dumbest parts of the internet now. Mine do not get better. Okay. Don't worry.

This is a review on amazon of leprechaun footprints floor decals 175 pieces 175 individual prints may i ask what these prints look like what does it look like green footprints and they're like decals like barefoot footprints or like you know that's a good question i will say my amazon account is has gotten even weirder than i ever thought it could oh i know they look like elf prints like they have little pointy toes so that means like the tip is like sagging and hitting the ground yeah his shoes are really yeah he doesn't does not look good he needs to do some stretches one really long awkwardly shaped toe and also they're very big which means it's like a giant

leprechaun which defeats the whole purpose um what is the purpose please tell me it defeats the purpose when they make these footprints so big tell us what is the purpose then huh there must be a purpose because it's had 330 reviews okay well what is what does your reviewer okay one of the reviews i did read said my daughter planned a find the leprechaun event and i don't know what that is but that was the purpose for it. Okay. So, Alison never... This is all part of Irish culture, right? Right, yes. Irish church.

What is it called? Church of Ireland. The Church of Ireland. Yeah. They are famous for their stained glass leprechaun. Could you imagine? Okay. This is a one-star review by Alison.

A verified purchase. Well, I'm sad. I got shipped all left feet. What? It's a photo. It's literally all left feet. Oh my god. She put a photo.

I got shipped all left feet. I guess I'll just make the best of it end of review i think this is a historic moment because i think this is the first time i felt bad for a reviewer i really really need to know what the like what her purpose was for this yes because i must know what the left feet that she's still gonna try and use them and it's gonna look like this elf just hopped around or leprechaun or whatever it is i'm trying to think of okay and you know what i can't think of a use for all left feet nor can i think of a use for both like if she had gotten what the normal actual product yeah i mean i guess it's some like elf on the shelf

shit where it's like, look, kids. Like a giant one because of footprints or something. A small man was in your bedroom last night. Follow him downstairs to the lucky charms I made for breakfast. Love, Dad. You're giving thousands of people the best idea right now. That was just like off the cuff. Yeah. You know, like, it's not like I really.

If you think of something better, send us an email but you won't so don't try all right my next one is of saint patrick's cathedral however great no it's good news you know why is it a redemption no oh it's the of the one in new york which is the one a roman catholic church yeah that's the one i was thinking of we've been there or i've been there dad made me go to then i was there dad made me go oh you were there too then because dad made us go to mass i know we went to mass and we went to that one and dad complained all the time because it was so crowded wow oh my god is that why your username says Bernie1963XOXO? That's so weird.

You found his Yelp account. And now you can message him on AIM. Oh, yeah. Here's what John actually, what John has to say. One star. Selling, selling, selling. Beads, beads, beads, and more beads. End of review.

What? My first thought was, like, Mardi Gras beads. And I was like, what's happening? Rosaries? Then my second thought was rosaries. Which, I don't know. They do sell rosaries then but they but they don't sell sell sell sell rosary they just like sell them like normal yeah maybe they're selling the beads individually now you have to string them together yourself i won't make your own it's like a build a build a build a

rosary the famous build a rosary tm don't i was gonna say don't don't fucking steal that that is a fucking business idea tm we got to take this out so no one steals our proprietary wow this is for but you have to when you walk into our establishment you have to say i am roman catholic otherwise you may not participate in build your own rosary in In the beading process. Yeah. So that's what John has to say. Wow, John. Are you all right?

Probably not. Probably not. No. One time Em came over to my house in Cincinnati, to our house, and we were like in my room and I was showing them around and I had like a rosary or something from like my grandma, our grandma. i forgot who i'm talking to uh a rosary like hanging somewhere and i was like i don't understand this doesn't even like fit over my head like i never see people wearing them and i was like all right this is uh gonna be a long class today um how'd the class go did they convert

yet really what happened was I tried to put it over my own head and realized it also didn't fit. And I was slightly disappointed. That's why you keep it with your you keep a rope around your waist to keep your robes from falling down. Yes, my monastery robes.

Or just put it on your wrist. And then I just follow the green footprints wherever they lead. Actually, speaking of educational podcasts, should we teach about praying the rosary? Yes. Okay. Let's just say the prayers through. Okay.

Number one. With some dramatic music behind them. Dear Mother Mary, I have sinned lots and lots do you forget the hail mary i know the hail mary wait do you do our fathers and then hail mary's at the no you do like 40 000 hail mary's oh jesus okay never mind okay look it up did you learn something from that good okay this is a review of Narwhal Novelty St. Patrick's Day Irish Leprechaun Hat and Beard Costume Accessory. And boy, does it look ridiculous.

I'm a little annoyed that you don't have all this stuff waiting here. Like, you didn't order all this. Now, that would have been a visual experience. We could have filmed it. Yeah. Whoopsies. Next time. This is a one-star review by amazon customer it is a verified purchase extremely poor quality a leprechaun would not

be caught dead in it even after getting hit by a bus end of review so there's that there's that thought for you that bad was it that bad it's like sometimes when you get hit by a bus you lose your fashion sense true would you agree though with them i mean yeah yeah okay i'm not gonna lie yeah we may have differences in religion but our opinions on the whole fashion thing i will say i never expected our saint pat Patrick's Day episode to have any sort of religious context I thought maybe an Easter episode would go more in that direction It literally has the word saint in it I know, but I feel like it's, you know

Beyond religion It's become so bastardized Yes, away from the roots They stole, they literally stole the saint from us Out of Ireland for the sake of god or something too many survivors fucking a no more okay you can't say that why would you say that i don't know why have you said it four more times this episode i just need everyone to know you can't say that the things that i say on this podcast you you're never allowed to repeat. I think we've all learned that by now.

Okay. So my next one is of St. Patrick's Cathedral. I'm glad I chose that as you're drinking your dumb drink. Sammy! This is my last one. This one's just bad. I should have done this one first. Okay.

Which one? New York. Okay. This is... The correct one. The right one one first. Okay, which one? New York. Okay. This is, so, Catherine, don't worry. The correct one. The right one, yeah. Okay. This is by Amber, one star. The staff is straight awful.

The African-American worker up front, parentheses, check your bags, was rude and racist up to a certain point. Also, he didn't like the fact that he got exposed. I understand that the worker sees 1,000 people a day and probably earns $2, but that's not an excuse. Moving on to what really matters, the cathedral was beautiful. Such a nice asset to Manhattan. End of review. Oh my god.

Also, I love that they were racist to a point when did it what was that turning point where they said never mind he's actually pretty cool what does that mean i don't know what does what does any of this mean it it's it's like i'm desperately looking at you for answers why why am i doing this some racism thrown out there towards someone about a church but then acknowledging that the important things is not that they are underpaid and over important things is that it's an asset to manhattan one star that's what i always say go you judge things based on how much of an asset they are to me. Yeah, like in a percentage base. What am I?

16. Okay, that's pretty good. Yeah, I think so. This is, so I found next, I'm kind of going back to the traditional route. I got a little scared. I went too far into the water and I paddle boarded back. Except I can't paddle board. I tried it one time and it ended really poorly.

So what did you do? I just clicked back, back, back, back on my browser okay here we are back to bars this is kelly's tavern an irish pub one star by heidi most boring bar i've ever been to it's a snooze bar bartender's personality with the pink hair is like hanging out with eeyore from winnie the pooh i love eeyore eeyore is my favorite character i've had more fun at my laser hair removal appointments end of review eeyore's delightful and also i want to help him so badly exactly everyone should want to hang out with eeyore's yeah that's rude yeah it's rude like that okay uh my next one yeah i went more traditional this time, too. This is a review of Lucky Charms Marshmallow Cereal.

I like how we're going from a church to cereal. We're going back to the more traditional. Don't worry. This is traditional St. Patrick's Day. Okay, great. This is from Walmart.com. This is a review by Alex. Four stars.

Not the healthiest, but it tastes good. It's not something I would feed a young child, i as an adult can eat it end of review you know what he's scared his mom's gonna check his account and say i would never have eaten this as a baby don't worry i never snuck over to my friend's house healthy granola but now that I'm a grown-up... I can do whatever I want, Mom. I literally bought cereal. We went to the grocery store today, and we were like, I don't even know what to buy. So we just bought Reese's Puffs and Cocoa Pebbles and...

Just all the good stuff. All the necessities. The stuff that we weren't allowed to eat growing up. Right, and now that I'm an adult, i can make those heavy-hitting choices all right since i have a few more short walmart ones i'm just gonna do those now walmart ones yes they're from walmart.com of lucky of lucky charms got it yes this is a three-star review by they better be all by adults you know what i'm hoping this next person is an adult. I'm going to call someone's parents. This is Shay J.

Okay. Three stars. I buy it for my grandchildren. They love the marshmallows. End of review. Cool. Here's a four star review. It's lightning round.

Two more. Lightning round. Four stars by Janie. I buy the cereal, but to cut down on the sugar i mix with plain cheerios end of review wait wait wait wait so to cut down on the sugar that that is in pre-existing in lucky charm cereal mix the Lucky Charm cereal with plain Cheerios. What in the goddamn hell? What are you doing?

Okay, this last one is by Angel, and maybe the worst one of all, and the worst one we've ever read, and the dumbest, and the wrongest. Okay, ready? What? Okay. I'm just setting it up okay four stars okay i only have one complaint about lucky charms and i know it sounds silly

but the company is starting to put too many marshmallows other than that it's totally the best cereal end of review this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever read i'm calling the police i know who they're on their way they think they are okay good sending them to angel's house yeah he needs to be locked away for life there's something really wrong here there's no that's not right no it's very i've never heard that before and i never want to hear it again he has no friends okay i meant in that way i meant in that way of like he has that opinion he probably has that opinion of multiple things where it's like no no you're wrong do you think that he's like intentionally contrarian or oh i don't know he doesn't seem intentionally

contrarian just might be just an idiot okay just has poor understanding of the finer things in culture yeah irish culture which like you know just listen to one episode of this you'll be set okay oh right we're at kelly's tavern oh i have two more from there this is a one-star review by jason i wanted to like this bar good music irish cool vibe came in for a beer and to use the restroom the restroom doesn't have a lock for the toilet and is completely useless for taking a number two won't be coming back for that reason end of review just wow the place is probably like thank god thank god this is precisely why we took the lock i like how he says i went you gotta go i went to buy a beer and poop in their bar

in there no you went to go to the back you went to poop in their bar don't lie to me in there no you went to go to the back you went to poop in their bar don't lie to me jason and if it's so important to you you'll just stick your feet up and like keep the door closed with your feet or something listen we've all been there shout i'm roman catholic when going in everyone will clear the place the whole bar will empty out exactly yeah okay your turn you learned that right growing up your crones because ofhn's disease, you learned about that trick. Oh, about screaming about my religion to get to the bathroom? Yes. Okay.

Very effective technique. I even have a little card from the IBD center, and it says, Let me use the bathroom I'm roaming in. Just keep going. I don't know anymore. Okay. through i'm roaming just keep going i don't know anymore okay um so i decided to go even more traditional um this is uh a review of irish spring original deodorant bar soap oh my god on walmart.com i warned everyone they don't have to be listening anymore. You did? Yes, they do.

Yes, please continue. This is a three-star review by Shea. I'm actually allergic to it, but I ran out of my preferred brand. And I used it, and it made my skin feel good. I didn't break out, so the formula must have been changed. End of review. Oh my god! Oh my god! been changed. End of review.

Oh my god! This is one of those people where they're walking down the street and like cars are just like happen to be avoiding them and they're like la-di-da. Oh yeah. Yeah. Who's out right now and hasn't, has been leaving the house constantly and for some reason will never

get coronavirus. Right. Yeah. They're that person they're like i don't know what everyone's complaining about like a piano falls behind them right as they pass yeah oh my god yeah um don't do that to yourself everyone no if you're allergic to something probably best to avoid don't put it inside your body why are they putting the soap inside their butt what i don't know your pores oh okay absorb it don't absorb what you're allergic to absorb it no okay um i have one more review of kelly's tavern and irish pub one star by kathy went here in saturday. Worst bar ever.

They have a clueless bartender, first of all. Asked for a mojito, and she said they didn't have the ingredients. Asked for a Scooby snack, and she said the same thing. WTF, a bar who doesn't have the right alcohol? Asked her to make me something fruity, and she just kept shrugging her shoulders. She ended up pouring Malibu and pineapple juice, which is really a drink for a five-year-old. Horrible place. Don't waste your time or money. End of review.

Here's something fruity for you. What? This is for a five-year-old. This is so sweet. Why? It's for children. No, it's not. It's full of alcohol. Don't feed this to your five-year-old, please do you know what's in a scooby snack i don't actually i've so just keep in mind that kathy's really pissed that an irish pub can't make her a a mojito which needs fresh mint and b a scooby snack which is a shot of equal parts malibu rum melon liqueur banana liqueur pineapple juice and whipped cream oh my god that is so extra i want to order it i like how her uh path was i would like

a uh mojito oh you don't have that well how about this one with 17 more ingredients even more complicated do do they usually go around places and do places usually say oh yeah it's one scooby snack coming right up is that normal i don't know i'm really like i don't know i'm i don't i i get nervous about ordering drinks so i do stuff like in college that was like a thing at the college bars. People bought all sorts of weird shots, like a fuzzy navel. Well, that one I've heard of. Yeah, there's more popular ones. I don't know the Scooby Snack.

Can you imagine you're working at an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day and someone's like, can I get a Scooby Snack shot full of pineapple and banana liqueur? Who the fuck has... Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Well, we know who doesn't have that stuff. Where to avoid? Don't go to Kelly's.

Okay, my next one was emailed in by Jess. Jess says, Real quick, I have to say y'all are amazing and you get me through all the most painful things in life. Aw. Here are three reviews. I'm reading one. Of the only Irish pub in basically a five-hour radius of where I live, Humboldt County.

All mentioning St. Patrick's Day. Something to note is that because of the rural nature of the area, this restaurant is packed on St. Patty's Day. So not only did the poor servers have to deal with these noodle heads but i'm sure many others i'm gonna be using that one i love it so this is a review of gallagher's one star by ryan as much as we wanted this place to succeed being being Irish, I must unfortunately give Gallagher's the dreaded single star. The wife and I have been three times now, spanning about three years. As much as we hate to contribute to the demise of Eureka's only purportedly Irish bar, we must do just that, because this place sucks.

The first time, the waitress brought our soup and main course at the same time oh oh god oh oh no you should have warned me that's anti-irish right there which food not only didn't fit on our table but by the time we'd eaten the soup the fish and chips were cold, and the tables wobbly. Wait, that's nothing. Hold on. All these fish and chips have just completely changed the center of gravity of this table. It's all a mess now. Okay, now ask yourself. What kind of salt and pepper shakers should sit on the table of an Irish pub.

Ask yourself that first. Oh, okay. I'm asking. Hold on. A request. Should I answer? If you'd like. If you have an answer.

Normal ones. Okay. Irish ones? Well, Ryan poses these options as, you know, just ideas. Double-decker buses? Tiny bee feeders, perhaps? What? Big Ben's? Try miniature bottles of Corona beer.

I swear, Corona bottles filled with salt and pepper. About as Irish as carne asada. So, to him, Irish means Big ben wait a second exactly he listed things that were not irish things from london things that double decker buses and big ben yeah were those the two or was there another feeders those are the guys with the hats feeders and and that's a type of gin also. Yes. Also not. Also English. But they have those Corona yes. You know those Corona bottles that have salt and pepper in them? Yes. Yeah. Whatever.

What is your problem? And he wants them to use Big Ben's. I really hope. Big Ben's. This guy who claims he's Irish. This is disturbing. I will say though everyone I would say 98% of Americans claim they're Irish. So I will say that.

Uh, but I'd like to see this guy open a restaurant, an Irish restaurant. I bet, I bet he'd be like, I know how to do this better than anyone. He would be laughed out of town. He'd be laughed right out of that church.

Yeah. At St. Patrick's. I've done something bad. Tell me. I went on to Kindle edition. St. Patrick's Day erotica. Christiana, we talked about this. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. To be fair, it was an accident. Okay. You opened Blaze's computer and that's what he was reading at the time. And you're like, whoops, guess I'll read the reviews. Since he already paid for it, I might read it if the reviews are good. I just regret everything about this. I don't know why.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it like... I'm like trying to think of what the... i don't know what more i could possibly tell you to explain are there leprechauns involved oh no is it actual saint patrick himself oh oh i hope not that'd be pretty blasphemous is it um just what like gosh those irish people like do you want me to tell you i don't know tell me what you were planning on saying are dying to know either way i'm looking this up later it seems like you are dying to know so i will tell you the title of the book let me make sure it's still recording yeah okay sorry

sometimes it stops recording can't miss this the title of the book is four billionaires for saint patrick's day do they find a pot of gold and one could say oh jesus i don't want to know the subheading is four irish billionaires want to oh my god do that many irish billionaires exist like reality that's a good question i don't know four irish billionaires want to pluck my clover at once oh i'm like okay that's why they did four okay oh yeah i didn't get that okay so wait wait this is the author that's writing this description? This is the bio, yes. Before I read you the review, I want to make sure you have a grasp.

So, the author put themselves in the book? No. Because it says, my clover. Oh, this is like that same thing. Remember, like, Andromedon 3000 or whatever, where it was like from the first person? But no, but it wasn't from the first person, was it? Yes, it was. It was like, but how can I ever i don't know well i don't know maybe not but this one is okay for the first person got it you should have led with that i'm sorry okay also uh let me

find the names before i forget it's extremely important are these gonna be like very stereotypical irish names that um from someone who's never met an Irish person in their life? Perhaps, because I really got to give you the names and let you just do with that what you will. Patty O'Malley. Oh my god. Okay, I'm not playing this game. Famous Irish billionaire. I work hard at the Irish pub I own, which has been in my family for decades.

Business has been slow lately, so I'm doing whatever I can to keep the doors open. I don't have time to go on dates or swipe right on Tinder. St. Patrick's Day is coming up and I'm managing the bar on my own since I can't afford help. Okay, so, sorry. First of all, this person is running this bar. All by themselves. Owns the bar and is the only bartender or server. Good.

Good start. So when four strong, handsome billionaires walk into my dive bar, I think they must be lost. They're supposed to... Oh, my God. What if they all die? You know, it's like... Why would they die? I don't know.

Like, you know, you travel separately in case the plane goes down oh sure why would they all go to the same irish dive bar because i oh i see what you're saying because i there are four irish billionaires like probably the only ones they can't lose all four of them yeah right they're supposed to be on the swanky side of town they must be slumming it but but they... How does she know they're... I don't know. I don't know why I'm questioning any of this. It gets so much worse. But they seem to be

very happy to have stumbled in and found me. They stay late and play jukebox music. They each want to turn and dancing with me. And at doing other things to me. I can't decide which one of them I like better, and it turns out I don't have to. They have a proposition.

Be with all of them at the same time, and they'll save my bar. Sign me up for the hottest St. Paddy's Day ever. Okay, that's the bio. And I want to give you the names of the four billionaires that i went and found jacks brax kenner and travis no last names no hi there i don't also jacks and brax are brothers stop and their names spelled j-a-x and b-r-A-X. Jax. You know what? I would love if there were two brothers in these characters. Jax's brother.

Jax. What else? Other name? Brax. That's the only other men's name I can think of. Oh my God. That is terrible. Jax, Brax, Kenner, and Travis.

Dakota gave this book two stars. It did have a lot of five stars, I will say. Dakota says, Boring AF. the dialogue was stiff i didn't like one of the h characters travis i don't know what an h character is because she keeps saying that hmm i'm gonna google h character erotic novel. Hot? Fanny Hill. Nope, I don't know what that is.

Oh, God. Okay. H is for hardcore, erotic alphabet. All right. D.H. Lawrence. I can't find anything. Okay. I didn't like one of the H characters, Travis.

He was too much of a bro for me. Like, do you even lift? I love... Okay. I loved the other three super hot one of the brother though she kept making him say stupid shit like oh my or something equally bad i was like wtf no guy would say that in the moment the sex literally came in the last chapter, don't get me wrong, I need a book with many plot points, but this didn't have that either. It was just boring dialogue about BS. Then in the very end, stuff starts to get dirty. I also didn't like that they were all fighting over her, meh, just no.

The sex was pretty hot, and they were doing some interesting moves. But like most books, too many cooks in the kitchen makes everything seem rushed like because there are so many people the focus is jumping around so much you get a lot of little detail but nothing with any meat to it just meh still the sex was very hot at one point the h has 2d in her v and 2d in her a i think we have a budding author right here and two D in her A. I think we have a budding author right here. I think we need to figure out what H means right now. That's what I'm wondering. Because she used H to describe one of the...

Remember the last time we needed to find out what H stood for? Oh, it meant hate. In that children's book. And we thought it meant husband. Is that what we thought? It was a book about birds they used the h word which was hate yeah um wow so wait so she said that the h character was travis was travis but now the h which is the main character. Has a V. Has a V. And many other Ds are involved. Yeah. Confusing.

Yeah. Yeah. Slightly. Slightly, I would say. At one point, the H has two D in her V. Don't say it again. Let me just say it again. And two D in her A.

I couldn't even imagine what that would possibly look like, so it seemed a bit unrealistic. IDK, I give 3.8 out of 5 stars. End of review. 3.8? You can do that? No! I mean, in your paragraph, you can do that. I really want to know the formula there.

Like, what took off 1.2 stars. Well, each H was worth 2. Each V was worth 4. Don't worry about it. Each D was worth negative 6. I'm worried. I'm worried. I'm worried.

Oh, my God. Okay, so that's that. I'm done. Okay. And I regret it. I regret you doing that, too. Great. Thanks.

I guess I'll continue. I guess you have to So we got another email This is from Sally Sally says hi And said if you wanted some Inspiration for some quality St. Patrick's Reviews I'd check out Cooper's or the

Radisson Hotel in Scranton Both draw big crowds for Scranton's Infamous parade day and you'll Probably find lots of references to the office because they would go to Cooper's seafood place. Yeah! So Sally says pretty much the whole town is chaos for 24 hours as the adults

start drinking at 10am and only families and children watch the parade. Not now. Not in these times. Next sentence is although it is cancelled this year. Oh. Sad. Thanks so much for the awesome show Sally. Sad. So I did find a review of cooper's in scranton pennsylvania so it's real yes it's a real place and they have they have a little gift i found out they have a gift shop that's so cool for office memorabilia so cecil gave cooper's one star cecil ce. Cecil? I think so.

I bet they would say Cecil in Ireland. Okay. You know, don't you think? I bet they said Cheshel. So dumb. Okay. I'm not going to say the name again. One star titled, Very Disappointed in My Experience This Morning.

I had lunch at Cooper's yesterday. I had the Irish Shepherd's Pie with the most delicious Irish soda bread. My waitress told me that I could buy a loaf of the Irish soda bread if I so desired. This morning, I decided that I wanted to go to Cooper's to buy two loaves of the Irish soda bread. At 11.02am, I called and the man I spoke to told me that I could come in and buy some Irish soda bread. And that today would be the last day that they would have it available. He told me that the cost was $4 per loaf. I drove down to Cooper's immediately.

It was a half hour drive for me. I got there and discovered that the man I spoke to had blatantly lied to me. They no longer have any Irish soda bread available. I feel sorry for the customers who are planning to have either an Irish lunch or an Irish dinner today. They will be very disappointed to discover that Cooper's has deliberately chosen not to have Irish soda bread available on St. Patrick's Day. Maybe they will have it Easter Sunday. Or for Thanksgiving Day instead. End of review.

Sir? Are you okay? I don't think so. I think they said they ran out. Why is he saying they deliberately chose not to serve it? Well, we can ask cooper's because they responded no they didn't they did respond who wrote the review again uh cecil you said you weren't gonna say no i i tricked you and i have to say it again because it's in the next review

anyway so or the response sheshel sheshel sheshel oh jesus. Ryan, owner at Cooper's Seafood House, responded saying this. Sheshel, I do apologize that we ran out of our amazing Irish soda bread. I love it as well. I can assure you that the gentleman you spoke to did not, quote, blatantly lie to you. And that we did not, quote, deliberately choose to not have soda bread available for saint patrick's day we simply ran out since it is made from scratch and not a pre-bought or frozen product we can't just get more end of response what like what else is there to say to a person like that you can only say so much and then you can say say, Sheshel. Sheshel, listen to me right now.

Make your own Irish soda bread. Shoda bread. Shoda bread. You listen to me. You listen to us, Sheshel. Sheshel, you need to calm down. You're giving me anxiety. Well, I also have that.

But thankfully, I'm done with my reviews. Good, me too. So I only have Redemptions. Okay. Do you have any? No. Oh, perfect. Okay. Mine were kind So I only have redemptions. Okay. Do you have any? No. Oh, perfect. Okay.

Mine were kind of sprinkled in there. I have two. And. Lift us up on eagle's wings. Maybe that's what they were singing in the church. Probably. And they got kicked out. They said, red alert.

Red alert. We got some Roman Catholics up in here. Okay. This is a review on Amazon of a shirt called Kiss Me My DNA Says I'm Irish. They're really lengthening those out. Yeah, yeah. It's like the knockoff, I guess.

This is a five-star review by Angel. Funny t-shirt. Perfect for that dad who thought he was Indian until he got his dna results back showing he's very much irish smiley face you know that dad yeah that we all have that's you know every other dad we all know that dad who thought he was a completely different nationality nationality like fully fully just wrong fully their background so wrong and how on earth did that get mixed up how does that happen that's funny i just love how excited he

is he's like guess what yeah i hope no that's that's a good thing i guess i can buy this cool t-shirt now now i can celebrate say celebrate saint patrick's properly. And it'll answer everyone's questions about my true background. Alright, so this is one final redemption. This is of a product called Life Size Green Teddy Bear Lucky Cuddles 72 inches tall. Which

by the way is 6 feet tall. This I just found quite large. Randomly on Google. This is not like an amazon it's its own website for giant bears oh so that's fun it's called lucky cuddles no wait sorry lucky cuddles is our oh that's his name the reviewer's name is lucky no that's the bear there's a lot happening here okay uh this is a review of lucky cuddles the bear the cuddles family is the company cool yes this is a review of lucky cuddles teddy bear

do you want to read the bio first do you want me to read you oh i'm like i don't have it in front of me can you please present the bio uh this is the bear bio if you've never met a six foot tall green teddy bear prepare yourself impossible i will never be prepared for that by the way you won't because i saw photos is it like all green it's all green ew it's six feet tall yes and it can stand that part it can stand yes you can it said it could either sit or stand. You can position it to stand. Like I'm picturing the thing that just like sits there. Like the big floppy ones.

It's not floppy? It is floppy, but you can also, they're poseable. It has like metal rods in its leg or something? Yeah, titanium actually. And you can pose it to stand, which just makes me unhappy. Terrifying. If you've never met a six foot tall green teddy bear, prepare yourself. It is an experience you'll remember forever.

If I remember that forever, there's a problem with that experience. Something went wrong if I'm never going to forget meeting that bear. If I wake up in a cold sweat every now and then thinking of Lucky Cuddles standing in my room. Oh no. Lucky Cuddles is our biggest life-size green teddy bear and he's awesome. He has a beautiful snuggly soft fur and a rich and vibrant shade of green

that will make you think of emerald summer lawns and lucky four-leaf clovers. Lucky comes wearing the Cuddles family signature brown and white check bow around his neck. Lucky has a big, cuddly, soft body with floppy legs that can be in a sitting or standing position as you hug him tight. Big brown eyes, a lovable smiling face, and a chubby, plush brown nose. For Christmas, St. Patrick'srick's day or anytime at all someone you know will feel really lucky when you give them this giant green teddy bear gift of a lifetime so that's the bio i mean it could come in handy right now during the quarantine just a little

friend oh i thought you meant to like block the two of us. No. Okay. Just a friend for me. Somebody to look at and cuddle. And think about emerald lawns. Emerald lawns. You know, sometimes there's so many things, though, that remind me of emerald lawns. True, true. Yeah. The green screen. This giant green screen.

Okay, this is a five-star review by Merle. And I love Merle. Okay. a five-star review by merle and i love merle okay the subject of merle's review is perfectly fantastic in every way of all of the extravagant gifts this aunt has bought her now three-year-old twin great-nephews this one was a huge hit with our entire family. From the anticipation of watching him grow out of the box. By the way, I don't like that. How big is a box? Like three feet tall?

It's gotta be. And then it expands? Add water to it? Trauma. Trauma. Or it's... Spray it with a hose and it comes out? Or it takes years and it has to actually grow up.

Oh, no. You just watch it age as you age yourself, like the giving tree. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. Speaking of emerald lawns. From the anticipation of watching him grow out of the box to the second the boys immediately laid down on it. Of course, they assumed he was theirs.

He is very well made and ever so cuddly soft. I'd love to send you a photo or two. Please let me know how I can do that. I know. Basically, this is on their website, like a review on their website. Yeah, can we get those photos? I would love Merle to send me some photos.

The twins also have a five-foot tiger. You guessed it. It's from me who is in desperately in need of a very long rest wink face thank you the tiger's in need or she's in need the tiger okay because he's had all the attention now oh i see okay to replace him i'm a little slow today listen i'm used to it thank you so very much for all of the choices of size and color and most of all for the unexpected speed of delivery timing was perfect we will do business together again in the not so distant future many thanks signed merle delmont

end of review okay i too love, too, love Merle. Isn't she a delight? Merle is a delight. A delight. I wish she were my aunt. Me, too. You hear that, our aunts who don't listen to this? Aunts?

Aunts? Aunts? Hello. We'll take either? Yeah. Maybe be more like Merle. Send us a six-foot-tall bear. Seems to be somewhat animatronic but i'm not quite sure

i'm i'm still trying to process that part but yeah yeah maybe i'll just have to buy my own all right well i think that was it we made it what do we do now happy saint patrick say uh i think we prep for next episode i hope you guys are okay out there oh yeah that's true there's a whole virus thing happening. Are you alright? Be safe. Just listen to us. Be safe.

Just play us on repeat all the time. That's all you need. We'll keep you company. I'm sure it'll keep you. Send us your voice messages so we can listen to you on repeat. Oh yeah, you can do that on Anchor, by the way. We never even told you that.

You can send us voice messages. Isn't that fun? We won't use them for anything, but we'll listen to them. We might if it's interesting. Okay. If you're going to give us me a big giant green bear.

Oh, yeah. It could happen. It could happen. So my theme for you comes indirectly from our listeners on Facebook who attempted

to call me out saying I didn't know the difference between New Zealand and Australia. I don't know the difference between New Zealand and Australia. I don't know why. Saying that I thought that New Zealand was in Australia. I don't know why anyone thought that you didn't know that, but.

Well, I don't know. But to make them happy, to please them, we're doing New Zealand next. Yay! To maybe make them unhappy. No more beaches, right? It's not beaches. Okay. It is Lord of the Rings reviews in New Zealand.

Oh, like any Lord of the Rings adjacent. Yes. Oh my God. As in tours. Oh my God. Stores. Tour de Mordor. Anything tangentially related.

Hobbit. Hobbits. Lots of hobbits. Reviews of hobbits. Yep. Wizards. Rings. I'm so amped hobbits yep wizards i'm so amped yes okay i'm so amped that's a good one um okay i have a challenge for you this is from our our friend olive hi olive olive suggests reviews of bodegas in new york where people who are obviously tourists

complain about the bodega cat because there's always a cat if you don't know there's always a cat in the bodega and it's like a very known thing it is a thing cat just chills out there is a wikipedia page for it by the way there is i want you to find reviews where people uh what's happening i'm sorry i just took a picture of you with your bodega cat that's sitting right oh my god me and my bodega cat i want you to find reviews of uh where people complain about the bodega cat okay as if like they clearly don't understand the concept okay i love it okay cool because people who complain about cats are stupid yeah got them got whoo you got them you got them good i'll get them good next week when i have that

when i reveal what i found okay all right well thank you everyone for listening um come see us live if we're still not quarantined so far so good so far we haven't done anything we haven't changed any plans however my and that's where you drink april shows have all just been canceled so we're pushing it we're pushing it yeah but if they're still on uh beach and by the way you can buy a ticket and you will get refunded if it gets canceled. So don't feel nervous to do that. Beach2Sandy.com slash tour. We'd love to see you. And read local reviews of places where you are.

Yeah, that would be great. And if you want to follow us on social media, go to Beach2Sandy. That's where you'll find us. And if you want to see a picture of Christina christina here with her bodega cat juniper we'll post that on patreon this week patreon.com slash beach to sandy live in action two bucks a month and we haven't done our live um youtube live stream oh my god youtube it's called a quarantine live stream we'll do a quarantine live stream for you soon so join two bucks a month um or five bucks a month if you also want to be able to download our theme song. You could also give $65 if you want.

You can give, yeah, up to about $10,000, I think is our max. We do have one rule. You have to announce whether or not you're Roman Catholic upon entering, but otherwise you're good. Anyway, so that's good. Also, if you want to leave us a review, that's super helpful on Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening. And subscribe so you never miss a great episode. Yeah. Okay, well, thanks for listening, everyone.

Thank you, everyone. And we'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.