Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on and try not to be put off to hobbits! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Or check out our new merch designs in our online store at shop.spreadshirt.com/beachtoosandy. Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, he's done it. Clicky click magic trick. The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC cash back master card. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. We're back. We have never left. We're stuck in here. I haven't left the front door in a long time. I ventured out to the hospital today to get my infusion and it was a ghost town out there. It is alarming. Really? To drive down the highway and be able to speed in Los Angeles. That's crazy. But anyway, thanks to everyone who had to work so that I could go get my meds. And thanks to everyone who made it through our special

quarantine bonus last week. Did, did you listen to that? We're back to regularly scheduled programming. Yeah, I would love to do another bonus episode if we're still stuck here. So send us your quarantine reviews. Yes, please. And we'll maybe do one. Put Corona or social distancing in the title. Maybe we can do another episode. We'll see.

Maybe if they're good. That was creepy. Okay, our theme for this week. Why did we do this? Was Lord of the Rings in New Zealand. I struggled with this one. Really? I struggled.

Well, I had a challenge that I struggled with too. What was your challenge? It was Olive's fault. It was, yeah, given to us by our friend Olive, who wanted me to find negative reviews of New York City bodegas that mentioned the bodega cat. I struggled at first, and then I kind of didn't struggle. You'll see. Okay. But I've got all sorts of stuff. Do you like reroute? I do reroute a little bit. Okay. But in a good way, I think. I think people will be pleased. So let's get started. Okay. I also want to say real quick,

my sister-in-law Eve is actually studying abroad in new zealand right now oh hi eve and i really didn't think to ask her anything about lord of the rings because i did my research this morning but hello to eve in new zealand if you ever hear this um if she doesn't sherry will that's right sherry will say hi yeah um anyway yeah do you want to go first i think you probably might have more than me. Sure. Okay. My first, like, four out of five are of Hobbiton movie set tours. This is where you see the actual hobbit holes, like, where they live. Oh, Hobbiton.

Hobbiton. Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I went there a lot, too. Oh, you didon. Hobbiton. Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I went there a lot, too. Oh, you did? How was it? I'll tell you in a variety of ranges shortly after you tell me this. Okay, I'm looking forward to it. Well, here is a one-star review by Vicky.

I am pretty sure this place is amazing. However, I'd like to share our disappointing experience. We stopped by on our way to Auckland Airport. We didn't have enough time for their tours because we needed to catch our flight, so we thought we could just go self-guided. However, we were told we were not allowed to do self-guided tours. We checked their website before our trip and didn't find anywhere saying self-guided tours not allowed. Later on, we eventually find the info, which was in the FAQ section on their website, hiding under book now.

How would ordinary people click book now to look for FAQ? This is not user-friendly and is very confusing. I would strongly recommend to move the FAQ section to the homepage or have a clear statement on homepage saying, self-guided tour is not allowed. End of review. Dear webmaster, I have some advice. This is Vicky. Please respond.

I have something to say about your webmasting. It's literally called set tours. Like, why would they think that you could do self-guided? There's nothing about their title. And also all of the other reviews were complaining about the way the tour was. Who wanted, yeah. And it was very clear it wasn't self-guided. Like, they won't let us wander around.

I like how she says, how would ordinary folk find us? As if there's like some highfalutin order of people who can figure out what an FAQ section is. It's hiding. You've got to be a webmaster to figure that out. Well, sorry, Vicky. Do you think she wrote that on the airplane? Probably. Probably.

Sorry that your visit was unfortunate. You know who else's visit was unfortunate? Tell me. Tad's. Tad gave one star. Hobbiton is a bit of a bore. It's just a bunch of wall facades against a hillside. Kind of boring.

Also uneventful. Unless you are some sort of hobbit geek, I would suggest other trips. Beautiful views of Alexanderlexander's farm though oh and this is where i decided i had some questions for you my friend oh i thought maybe i'd figured it out this is like an animal crossing adjacent review i don't know but i was like what the f uh i did do some research yeah it does turn out that um that my farm that peter whatever his name is who directed the movies or he saw alexander's farms and was like this is where hobbiton goes really yes that's interesting so it's called alexander's farm why can't i come up with his

name what is wrong with me peter something peter jackson yeah is that it because i kept seeing people yelling at peter as if peter again was some sort of webmaster who's going to read vicky's emails people kept saying peter this was a terrible tour i'm like peter didn't create the the hobbit and mead tour and also um people were complaining like that like tad that it was that nothing was exciting or moving or any, I don't know. Moving! People were complaining that there was no action. It's not like you're in the movie. It's literally a set.

I saw people saying, I'm so disappointed there weren't people in character. Oh my gosh, it's not Disneyland. I was like, it's an actual mountain that you're looking at. Part of an actual piece of nature. And someone said, oh, you should just spend the money on Disneyland. Oh, my God. And I checked with the, so it's 80 some dollars, New Zealand dollars. But in US, it was under $50.

And I'm like, okay, that's kind of pricey if you're not interested in The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings trilogy. But you can't spend that at Disneyland. What are you talking about? 50 bucks? You're not going to get anywhere. Yeah, you can't spend that at Disneyland. What are you talking about? 50 bucks? You're not going to get anywhere. Yeah, you can on a churro. Oh, true. Got him.

Got him. Your turn. I have one from Stefan. He sounds eloquent. Last time I said Stefan, I think you said Stefan. I said Stefan. Oh, Stefan. That's what it is.

I said Stefan. And then I said, you know that thing of like, and then you said, what thing? And I said, no, that's what it is. It says Stefan and then I said you know that thing of like and then you said what thing and I said no that's my Stefan character. I was like this sounds vaguely familiar. Call Vicky.

Tell her someone's in character and it is right here in our studio. Finally something's moving. So Stefan says one star. The tourists that drive along that road

to get in and out of the main entrance need to be made more aware of traffic. I was cut in front of yesterday. Maybe the management or Hobbiton can get some more signs showing which side of the road they should be driving on, as well as give way signs or some sort of better traffic management system. Maybe the big white arrows need to be remarked closer to the entrance points as well. End of review. Do you think this is an American

driving on the wrong side of the road and they're like, what are all these tourists? I'm hoping so. I'm hoping so. I love how he mentions that there are, in fact, big white arrows and still blame the business. Just make them bigger. And not the tourists.

Come on. Hobbiton. Like, don't give those... The problem is all the signs are written in runes or whatever they speak in Hobbiton. They speak in runes. I don't know. Oh, my Lord, Christina.

I don't know. And I'm going to find out very shortly once this releases and people angrily tweet at me. But as you know, I will ignore it and continue to say that people in hobbiton speak runes stop saying speak runes that's that's not a thing okay i have another one for you this is a three-star review by gerald i was disappointed i wasn't allowed to touch or even open the door to bilbo's home i just wanted to go in for

a second and look around end of review well no i do like that he wasn't allowed to touch or even like open the door like i get the touching thing but the fact that i can't open the door walk inside and look at everything what's that about it's like a police state yeah what the heck i just want to look inside Bilbo's kitchen. People were like saying, oh, I felt like cattle not being allowed to go and wander if I stepped on the grass. I mean, it's a movie set. It's not like a playground.

I think someone lives there. Oh, yeah. It's like owned by somebody. I'm just also disappointed Gerald didn't get to go look around because I really want to know what's in that little Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins basement. Maybe just watch the movie. Or that. Mm-hmm.

There you go. In his basement. But I want to touch it. Oh, the dream. We haven't talked about basements in a while. I think that's for the best. We spend a lot of time talking about keeping Walmart greeters in my basement. And it's, you know.

Specifically teen greeters. Teen greeters in the basement and it's you know specifically teen greeters teen greeters makes it that much more problematic yeah let's leave bilbo out of this how are they doing by the way with the quarantine i guess they're safe right at least i'm all out of pasta the noodles are gone the noodles are gone but i have send nudes everyone please send nudes but not to me uh i also i told them like you're welcome because this was my idea months ago. It's like their own big brother. Yeah. They're safe,

but like better. Yeah. Yeah. Cause they're in your basement, not right in like a studio with like plenty of people. Exactly. It's like really quiet. A lot of noodles.

Noodles. And also I told them I had this idea months ago to quarantine you, and now you should be thanking me. Are they thanking you? They haven't, I haven't checked in a while. Okay, okay. So, I just sometimes. I might have to go down, take some credit.

I throw some spaghetts down there. Spaghetts. Slurp it up. Oh, no. Okay, now we're done with that. My next one is of Hobbiton again uh by yens one star local guide let me just point out great too many loud talking chinese people only guided bus tours very expensive there are much better places in new zealand end of review here comes a headache this is called my racism headache it comes on every episode every episode especially corona

and somehow already in this one it's just wild it really bothers me when people say there are so many better places in new zealand like in a country. Well, okay. New Zealand is a fairly big place. And also, this is a one of a kind type of location, too. You're not going to find a better version of this in New Zealand. If it's not your thing, that's one thing. But... There's only one Hobbiton. There's only one Hobbiton, as I famously always say. I never understood it until this very moment. Now it all becomes clear to you

thank you for explaining yourself finally uh yeah especially if you're a local guide you know what he probably just wants to like post reviews to become like do you become a local guide but just like saying shit over and over again maybe he only has 81 reviews so i don't really understand but oh 358 photos i think it was like 200 of those were of chinese people some oh i'm just kidding you cut you were like her eyes were like oh my god they were videos how loud they talk apparently with him yelling over it to tell him to be quiet okay so this uh so the next place i went was called i wish wish I knew how to pronounce it, but I looked these up in a place where I couldn't quietly listen to the internet. So it is called WETA Workshop. And this is basically where they make all the manufactured props for New Zealand movies, including an alien movie that's really famous oh shoot i forget good one jojo

rabbit i don't know yeah what i think of new zealand no i'm thinking i'm just trying to help you move on to a different movie oh okay thank you oh my god you just literally explained my fucking interview thanks okay well here we Really? Here we go. Oh. This is One Star by Suzanne. This tour was just a money-making exercise on the part of Weta Cave. A young apprentice showed us in a walkway in a small entrance to a factory. We looked at a giant weird rabbit from a TV show. Is that what that is? I mean mean i've never seen is it about a rabbit no oh okay never mind this doesn't explain anything forget it it doesn't explain it

we looked at a giant weird rabbit from a tv show and a couple other film dummies such as a sword we walked around a passageway shaped like a C with displays everywhere. The apprentice talked about how they make the props, but we weren't allowed in the factory, and what we saw was not much. I would recommend you save your money and go something else a little more informative, fun, or interesting. To be honest, this put me off Hobbits. End of review. But Rabbits, though. That's the first thing that's ever put her off to hobbits it took a lot to put suzanne off hobbits what what the hell kind of tour is this that puts her off to

hobbits of all things i mean like what negativity is in there did you not hear about the giant rabbit i did and i'm still confused about it well i don't have clarity for you but i can say that um it seems like a cool tour yeah you can watch people manufacture things that's cool why would you want to go in why would why would you think that they would want you in their factory out center everyone wants to touch everything how have you not learned this insane from our show all people want to do is touch things growing up mom would get our mom would get so mad at us if we touch things in convenience stores, like even just to read wrappers. But now I touch everything in stores.

I go in a gift shop and I'm touching everything. I'm like looking at it. And I, every time I do though, yes, I think of how mom told me not to. And I'm like, this is America. But in Germany, I don't because I'm scared. Even though other people do. I had no idea about any of the above. I don't remember mother telling us this.

Maybe it's because you were the only problem child in this scenario. In this one instance. There were many. It just might be my anxiety putting words to something that never happened or something that's in my mind. I mean, mom's favorite line is, I never said that. Yeah. I don't think it was like in a strict mean way. It was just like, hey, like, don't go around touching everything in the store. I was bumbling around knocking things off shelves. You did have a big unwieldy head. I did.

I still do. I still struggle. Yeah, I don't remember that. But I mean, I think it's a fair lesson to teach your child, I guess, not to touch things. Yeah, no, it's not. She wasn't wrong. Do you know what I remember? It's still stuck in my head

for some reason what do you remember we were at kenwood mall and there was this toy store and um i was walking around i guess touching stuff uh and i walked out and we were walking in the car and i realized i had a little stuffed ladybug still in my pocket and i had shoplifted said ladybug by accident okay now you're covering your tracks oh my god and i panicked and i freaked out and i told i i told mom because you know my catholic guilt complex and i was like i don't know it was an accident and she was so angry at me and she made me walk back in there and tell the person at the front that i stole their toy and i'm so traumatized by this because i'm like it was an accident truly and

everyone kind of shamed me and all the adults stood there made me like apologize for my sins and that poor ladybug I just had to stick him back on the shelf so sad I remember they um gave me the whip to hit you with as punishment in front of everyone oh my god part of the shaming process yeah we read a lot of those cautionary tales as children. You know the ones. Cutting off fingers. The shears for your thumb. The shears for your thumb.

Yeah. That was a big one. Here come the carrots making their way up field, followed by the whole wheat bread, over to the two dozen eggs. Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir?

Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback mastercard with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. Let's see. I think it's my turn your turn as my notes do declare it is your turn this one i just like for like one sentence and i don't know if it's funny okay no this is a one-star review by aga of hobbiton

this artificial movie set is way too overrated believe me you will feel bored after seeing the third hobbit's hole oh this is the first person to everyone else said hobbit holes so like the third hobbit hobbit hole would be like the proper way to put it and of course aga says hobbit's hole okay you really misunderstood the brochure i know i'll just keep going there's more there's more that was my favorite part but there's more that was i will say the first hole is thrilling the second one's exciting the third one is snooze fast okay your turn the level of hospitality that each staff can offer varies my experience was a big disappointment as the staff showed me how rude new zealanders

could be the staff of major tourist attractions like this should be professionally trained to show at least some respect towards visitors regarding my bad experience one of the tour guides snatched my friend's phone rudely and deleted the photos of her peeking out from one of the hobbit's holes without without any warning in advance. However, when I google images about the place, there are lots of photos of people doing exactly the same thing. They should put on the sign no entry if the holes aren't

supposed to be entered. Oh my god! This is 100% racism. End of review. Sorry. Okay. First of all, they went into Bilbo's basement and they know. They crawled into Bilbo's hole. They crawled right into Bilbo's hole and then smiled right on out.

And thought it was okay to take photos of it. This is so inappropriate. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I brought this to the table. Sick. It's really sick. Bilbo, we hope you're okay. Bilbo, are you all right, Bilbo?

Your name is the best. Hobbit holes. No, hobbits holes. Hobbits holes. No, hobbits holes. Hobbits holes. Yep, you're right. See, it's much worse. It's significantly worse. Hobbit hole is like what they live in.

It's like a rabbit hole. But if you say rabbit's hole, like that is, see what I mean? It's so much worse. Why can't I just touch Bilbo's hobbit hole? Hobbit's hole. Okay, right.

It's bad. I want to enter Bilbo's hobbit's hole. It's awful. Why do i keep repeating it no one can say okay so i'm back at the workshop uh this is a one-star view by heather guess i should have known i'm not a lord of the rings fan and middle earth stuff bores me to no end but i took a 13 year old to see it i don't think he liked it either end of review maybe communicate with the 13 the 13 it's so vague to say i took a 13 year old that does not sound okay number one questionable stop taking 13 year olds to

hobbit's holes second of all uh i just i really like this one because she basically was like, Middle-earth stuff is so boring. I think this person has a vendetta. This is a Lord of the Rings tour. Oh, it is? It's specifically for Lord of the Rings? It's primarily like they have like the trolls. Those are from Lord of the Rings? I think.

Trolls and like you can hold the swords from the movies and like people go there for Lord of the Rings. And I guess a giant rabbit. I don't really understand that part. Trolls? Wasn for Lord of the Rings. And I guess a giant rabbit. I don't really understand that part. Trolls. Wasn't Lord of the Rings like a rom-com? Yeah. Okay. It's like seven dresses, but seven.

Oh, it's like Shrek combined with seven dresses? Yes. There's a lot of... Romance. Romance and a lot of marriages and breakups and... Dresses. Dresses and so many dresses um so many rings one large rabbit so many rings and there's a lord i guess of the rings but i don't know who that is um but anyway i just i personally just like the one how angry she was that she knew she

would hate it and and very much did and her the 13 year old she abducted also seemed to dislike it i brought a 13 year old don't say it like that how can you write that and not be like oh this sounds weird it's really questionable okay your turn uh this is actually my last one oh really yeah okay This is a five-star review, too. This is of The Gardens of Isengard. Okay, is this a redemption? Yeah. Okay.

Sometimes five stars are not. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's a redemption of sorts. This is by Jake. And so for those who don't know, this is just a park, basically. But it's where Isengardisengard in the film that's where they filmed it you know eisengard and taking the hubs to eisengard you know i thought eisengard was

a person no no no no no a lord of the it's a location i don't know the history of the location so maybe it is named after a person i don't know the lore quite as much as other lores that I know. You don't know the lore of the rings? I will say it's unexpectedly, probably to many of you, I did watch the movies and I did read The Hobbit. However, I didn't read the rest of the series. I did watch the movies, including The Hobbit and read The Hobbit. I did enjoy reading The Hobbit. I should probably read the series. It's a very good book.

The rest of the series. I'm sorry. Continue. I know people are going to be like, Christine, you never watched... I have and I really enjoyed it. I'm just being kind of... That's one...

If it were on streaming services, I would watch it now in quarantine. I think only like the second and third are on Netflix and not the first. We should watch it. Well, I want to watch the first too. It's me, Galt. Oh, no. We? We should watch it. Well, I want to watch the first, too. It's me, Galt. Oh, no.

We do need to watch it. Okay. Anyway, this is a part called The Gardens of Isengard. This is a five-star review by Jake. Good place to take the hobbits to. Just ask Orlando Bloom. End of review. Ew, what?

He's in... I know Orlando Bloom. Oh, okay. That's all. Is Legolas. Legolas. Ew, what? He's in... I know Orlando Bloom. Oh, okay, that's all. Is Legolas. Legolas. Mm, nice. Emily put a big poster of him in her bedroom. Same.

I mean, I had a poster of Emily in my room. Okay, you guys, you're disturbing me. You know, she DM'd me recently. Oh, shit, you're right. About the podcast, podcast right about my other podcast thank god okay she doesn't listen so i hope maybe this never finds her ears an old friend that uh i lost touch with and haven't seen i haven't seen in probably 20 years same z's um so okay okay see i think i got also i did not have a poster of her or anyone in my room. I had a poster of a Chevy HHR that I won at the Dart County Fair in Ohio by throwing darts at posters.

To be clear, he won the poster, not the car. No, yeah. He won the poster of the car. And in hindsight, I'm like, what was my taste in cars? Have you... You know that car? Look up that car, everyone. It was excellent.

I mean, I hope there's that one Chevy H car? Look up that car, everyone. It was excellent. I mean, I hope there's that one Chevy HHR fan that's like, yeah. I truly don't know what the hell that is. It's like a weird, Christina, you're going to. I mean, I feel like I must have seen it. It's like a weird half pickup thing. What the F? They also had like another version of it. This looks like a PT Cruiser.

Yeah, it's similar. It looks like a, you won a poster of this? Yes, and I had it on my wall in my room. Were there at least flames? No, it was yellow. Oh, my. That's even worse. Yeah.

I won a poster of SpongeBob, and it sealed my fate. Oh, true. I'm not judging the car. I'm just judging that it's on a poster. That seems like a very random car to have on a poster. Yeah. It not like a mustang no it's a fucking chevy i mean to be fair you were aiming for the poster of emily and you missed i actually brought it with me and gave it to him hang this up i want to earn it maybe you traded it in for six posters of this is getting really wild i'm gonna beep out her name maybe or because of all of this i'm going

to open my second white claw of the evening oh fuck yeah let's go i'd also like to be clear that like last episode when in the bonus episode when i did that like yeah crack it open you know that's kind of a bit from my brother my brother me which i didn't kind of consciously realize at the time and then i re-listened i went oh i'm literally copying do they open cans like that whenever justin tries to like really quietly open like a bottle or can then griffin makes a huge thing about it that's funny like yeah crack it open and um i didn't know that what's that it's a clown what it's a clown clown this is getting really a clown. Clown? This is getting really... It's a surprise. You just gazed at me with the deadest eyes. I don't know why we were talking about that. Oh,

because I said poster. Oh, so the Hobbits. Sorry. Actually, I don't know either. Remind me. You said at Just Fast for Orlando Bloom. Oh, Emily had a poster of Orlando Bloom. Got it. Now I feel like I need to bleep orlando's name this is getting really personal um but so i think i was confused because when you first read the review i thought it's a good place to take hobbits i thought it was going to be a dad saying like you know take your little children i got it yeah and then it went to orlando bloom and i got flustered so i have kids i'm calling them hobbits. Oh, I already do call your future kids hobbits. They're so, have such hairy toes.

Close. We're almost, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. I'm sitting here and I love getting mind meld. Oh, I was about to say that, which makes it worse. Yeah. Okay. I have one more one star and then a redemption.

Perfect. This is a one star view of the Green Dragon Inn. I believe that is part of the Hobbiton and they give you a free beer at the end. It is, yes. So the Hobbiton tour ends there and you receive a complimentary ale. And this is a one star view. They also serve like lamb shanks and like giant portions. It's supposed to be like eating like

a hobbit second second breakfast and stuff yeah oh okay um how endearing this is a one-star view of the green dragon inn by ben it's a nice and beautiful looking pub from the outside out of the lotr movie set with a wonderful place sorry nope that's what it says it's a nice and beautiful looking pub from the outside out of the lotr movie set with a wonderful place that's all though although beers are complimentary with entrance ticket it's decent customized brew don't expect more food is very basic cafe snack type i would really like to know what cafe he goes to that serves lamb shanks and like roasted potatoes but sure food is very basic cafe snack type was hoping to have at least a few hobbits or lotr characters walking around inside but nope just your average employees

that's funny that's where he and i differ i purposefully don't want those people to be walking around me while i eat in fact you seek out locations specifically lacking don't get me wrong i'm not anti-hobbit i just don't think that that's always the appropriate vibe how's it not ready for children yet so he's just trying to put it off as long as they have hairless feet they're so smooth as feet okay too much way way way way too much i've been kept in this basement for too long continue was hoping to have a few hobbits or LOTR characters walking around inside, but nope. Just your average employees serving your average beers and food. And you only get 20 minutes in the pub before they usher you back into the bus and then your visit is over.

End of review. I hate it when you get free beer. I hate when you get free beer and free lamb shanks and then no hairy hairy people come to feed it to me such a downer that's what you're used to with like blades feeding you lamb shanks and stuff that's the life that i've chosen for myself and uh i'll never look back now i really hope my sister-in-law does not listen to this episode moving on i have one redemption please redeem us and it is of a hobbiton yay okay here's the

problem i know i'm not supposed to touch my face but there's so much cat hair in this house yeah i feel like i'm always getting cat hair in my mouth it's just gross i'm not getting cat hair in my mouth so you're doing something wrong because we live in the same house i'm staring at him for an answer and i'm not getting one just dead eyes all over again okay i'm just thinking this is a five-star view of hobbiton by kelly very few times in my life have i experienced complete peace i'm sorry kelly i respect you i'm sorry i laughed at you i'm sorry i respect that you find peace at hobbiton that was mean i immediately felt bad i laughed

very few i bet it's peace it looks really really nice. Like the scenery and everything. I would love to live in one of those hobbits holes. He's just trying to reel it back in. For sure. Very few times in my life have I experienced complete peace and utter serenity. You've ruined it. I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm especially sorry to Kelly. I feel so bad utter serenity guilt will follow me for a long time kelly's life is chaotic and you are making it worse hobbiton was one of those places that brought me to that point of utter relaxation though hobbiton is busy i stayed behind the group as, so I could have an extra amount of time gazing at all the perfection that is Hobbiton. Yes, this is a movie set, but I could imagine myself living there someday. The peacefulness of Hobbiton in the Lord of the Rings movies is brought to life here. The green rolling hills, the sounds of nature, and all the sheep in the background truly is what I imagined it to be.

You can go inside one hobbit hole. Parentheses. I accidentally went inside another hobbit hole without knowing I wasn't allowed in there. There's no further information on that and I am so angry about it. Does that mean all of the hobbit holes are... Sorry, hobbit's holes are like furnished and stuff? No, a lot of them are fake. That's what I thought.

So how do you get in? Some of them are real. And I need to know what the fuck she found inside that hobbit hole. Because I'm like trying to remember from the movies. I didn't know if they went in multiple hobbit's holes. Now I'm thinking of. Hobbit's holes? Boys.

Sorry, boys' holes. Oh yeah, boys' holes. Get inside that boys' hole. Gotta pay the troll toll. Get into that boys' hole. Okay, things have gotten out of control. You can go inside one hobbit hole. I accidentally went inside another without knowing I wasn't allowed in.

You can also have a drink at the Green dragon inn which is a must do if you are a lord of the rings fan i absolutely loved hobbiton and i would come back in a heartbeat it's pretty cool standing where they filmed but it's a calm place where i just want to lie on the grass and read a book hobbiton is perfect end of redemption beautiful wasn't it kelly i want to be your neighbor one day okay you need to stop sucking up to kelly i feel so bad for kelly but no like feel bad that i said that you know how sometimes we read one star reviews and it makes us want to go there more yeah because those types of people yeah didn't enjoy it so hopefully they won't be back this is one of those places where the one starstar views i'm thinking okay you're on their side okay vicky no i'm like

fine you don't go i'll go and have the time of my life with kelly with kelly in that hobbit hole hobbit's hole sorry god god you're so idiotic i know i'm just kidding your turn i was almost as mean as what i said to kelly just, you're like a mean drunk. Oh, God. That's what I always say. Oh, man. Here we go. It's time for my challenge.

My challenge was from our friend Olive, who wanted me to find negative reviews of bodegas in New York City about the bodega cat specifically. Right, right, right. And for those who don't know, bodega cats are cats that are in these bodegas, which are like small markets and small convenience stores or delis, etc. And I did some research. The reason why they have these, of course, is for rats. The cats actually eat rats and keep rodents out. I did not know this. Yes, so there's a reason for these cats.

I thought it was just like a quirky trait that bodega owners love to cats. Actually, no. That was my first thought. But anyway, it took me a while to find a negative one. And the first negative review I found was actually in an article. And it was a tweet from that corny Asian girl. So they are the ones who tweeted this screenshot. And their tweet says,

How miserable of a person do you have to be to leave Yelp reviews of bodegas complaining about bodega cats? Here's a review by Diana. One star. I've ordered from SK before and the sandwiches are pretty good. Today, however, I decided to stop in and grab a sandwich. To my dismay, there was a cat perched upon some cases of Budweiser in the middle of the store. Besides being allergic to cats, I wonder what the health code says about this. End of review. Oh my god. I will say, when you first began, I really thought you were going to say there was a cat standing on top of the queso.

See, that would be a problem. And I was like. Problematic. Queso Bud Light. Sign me up. Based on what I've seen in pictures. And in reviews. Most of the time.

They're like on the newspaper stand. They don't like bathe in the cheese. No they don't. They're not in the food. Anyway. So that is my first review. Who's that? Vicky? I'm calling everyone Vicky now. or something i don't i already forget i don't like that person here is a review by michelle of eighth

street mini market it's a three-star review it's nice to have a neighborhood market the people that run this place are extremely nice and very neighborly. However, I've stopped buying from here because they have a cat who is always on the food shelves. This can't be sanitary. End of review. The thing is, this is a thing. Like, bodega cats are a thing. I think that's even what Olive said. It was like, it's obviously someone who doesn't understand the concept of like, your average bodega because there was actually in boston the liquor store down my street that i would go to it had a cat and i hadn't really thought of it and i one time walked in and there was just this cat chilling yeah and i hung it out in there for like five extra minutes yeah it gives you yeah it gives you a reason to stay a little bit sweetie pie okay and now of the

same place i have a five-star review. So I sprinkled in some positivity in here because we're going through a trying time. And also because you couldn't find any more negative. Well, no. I have one more after this and then a bunch more positives because we're going through a trying time, not because I struggled. Right. I promise.

It's nothing about that. This is a five-star review of Daniel by... This is a five-star review of 8th Street Mini Market by Daniel. It's a five-star review of daniel by this is a five-star review of eighth street mini market by daniel it's a five-star review of daniel damn it you're supposed to cut that out that's why i repeated it you're supposed to edit it out oh that's good this is the best bodega in brooklyn hands down sandwiches and breakfast rolls check beer wine and other party basics check ice check atm check chubby bodega cat meow that's cat for check and the review oh i love it i hey hold on i have another review i just remember i found this is a five-star review of Daniel. By me. Daniel, thank you for bringing us positivity

in these trying times. End of review? End of review. Okay. I wasn't sure. I couldn't tell if you were finished. Me and my bodega cat. Look, he's right there. Hi, Juniper. Cutie. Okay, here is a one-star review of Lafayette Grocery by John. I just moved into the area a month ago. First off, the store smells like cat piss. Being they have a cat running around the old dirty store. The short cash register

dude has to be the one of rudest jerks. I asked for a ham sandwich and they forgot to add the mayo and lettuce. So he decided to throw an expired packet in the bag and lettuce so he decided to throw an expired packet in the bag and wrapped some lettuce in tinfoil are you effing kidding me i just paid 10 buck to make my old damn sandwich at that point i was hungry and in a rush so i just let it go as i get home the ham has mold on it i rushed back to the store. And he says, oh, that was the cat's ham. Sorry.

We fed you the cat food. And to the register guy who happens to be the owner, he says, it's not mold. Sometimes ham has green, gray, fuzzy spots. And he said, I can't refund me. You have to be kidding me. Stay away from this cat rat disgusting place. Pretty sure they did use gloves either. End of review. You couldn't tell I read it as written. I did not take the liberty of translating. And this inspired me. Because he talked about greenness on ham.

So I googled. Green eggs and ham. Well, actually kind of. So the University of Minnesota, on their website, so it's.edu, which means it's trustworthy. Absolutely. Has an article titled, Are Green Eggs and Ham Safe to Eat? And there's a question. I've noticed a green tinge on the ham I bought.

Is this normal slash safe? Answer. A greenish or yellowish cast on cured meats is normal. It is caused by the way light is reflected from the fat on the surface of the meat. Wrapping the meat in airtight packages and storing it away from light will help prevent it. The greenish or yellowish tinge is not a sign of spoilage or poor quality. It is safe to eat. I can imagine everyone who, or the person who asked this question,

or the person who googled it and found the answer, then looked back at their ham and went, oh no, just threw it away. To be honest, I mean, I wouldn't eat ham anyway. But yeah, if my ham had green on it, even if University of Minnesota says it's okay to eat, I probably wouldn't eat it. But now I have a five-star review of the same place. University of Minnesota. Lafayette Grocery. Got it. By Fatima.

Open, friendly, and delicious. Wraps and sandwiches are six bucks and under. Adorable cat wanders around ensuring tip-top hygiene. Smiley face. End of review. Aww. Yeah, making sure that all the rodents are gone. That's the kind of world I want to live in.

Also, I love that one of the qualifiers for a great bodega is open. It's open. That's a good point. I just skipped right to the cat part in my mind. Oh. Open, friendly. I just love that. I do.

Can someone tell me how bodega cats kind of is there like i want to write tm tm tm i want to write a children's book about like how the bodega cat came to the bodega and there are like youtube videos and stuff i didn't watch them because i was lazy but yeah it's a whole freaking thing like culture thing when alice says he's too lazy to watch youtube that's when you know this quarantine has gotten too far um yeah it is a thing i also discovered animal crossing my first animal crossing game i bought it yeah yesterday alexander and i started playing animal crossing so i didn't know you'd actually started yesterday and i played it at remicade so i'm uh i'm heating up oh yeah what was the last thing you did? Do you have a house and stuff?

No. I'm way ahead of you. I know you are. I've been struggling to keep up, but I'm very excited to finally have a house like you. I look forward to you joining me in housing bliss. With my very own bodega cat. Yes. Okay.

What fruit came with yours? I got peaches. Me too. Everyone apparently. They look like butts. That's what Steven told me. Well, he didn't tell me they look like butts. That's what I told you.

He told me that that's a thing that people are doing is they're re-rolling. They're like redoing their island until they get peaches because they look like butts. So we were the lucky ones. Yeah. And Steven also got peaches on his first try. I'm into it. Yeah no no complaints here this has turned into an animal crossing uh podcast that's bad anyway i have more reviews what are we doing you do i thought that was the end that's why i was going on no my next review is of deli grocery by jeris. Friendly little bodega.

Clean, great egg sandwiches. And the guy behind the counter is strict, but with a heart of gold when it comes to dealing with sassy kids. Fresh coffee and real milk always. Adorable bodega cat named Michelle. What more could you ask of your neighborhood bodega? End of review. That's adorable. And most of these have pictures, too.

What a name, though. Michelle. Yeah, M-I-C-H-E-L, like the French. Oh, Michelle. Like Michelle. Holy shit. The masculine.

That is one snazzy cat. Oh my goodness, you better believe it. That's a genie cat. Like a little tabby. Sandy, look what happens when I pull his ears back. He looks like an alien.

He looks fucking scary. He looks like an alien. He's fucking scary. He looks like an alien. He's cool, though. He's cool. He's cool. He's cool. Don't worry about it. Houston.

This is a review of Houston Village Farms Deli by SR. Five stars. By the way, the rest are five stars. I'm like thrilled. I didn't know you got this many. Yeah, they're all five stars, though, which is not the challenge. But I don't care because I wanted to bring positivity to this podcast for once. This isn't about one-star reviews.

If you think that, you've misunderstood the whole concept of our show. This is a five-star review by SR of Houston Village Farms Deli. Good lunch-slash-dinner options, great breakfast sandwiches, solid product inventory for a small store, friendly staff and a judgy bodega cat. Everything you could want from a corner store. I need to write a checklist. Judgy bodega cats, now tops, top ten on my checklist for a good bodega.

Yeah. Open is definitely on there. Well, I mean, like, this is just such a funny thing, this whole thing. I don't know, like, the whole idea of a bodega and it makes me angry that people like diane are running around going i want to shut this idea down of it's like stop ruining everyone's good time just because you think you have a cat allergy that you probably don't have diane uh-oh called out diane as i like pull a cat hair out of my so gross that is pretty gross all right so um i have two more of the same place

k and k deli it's a five-star review by david great neighborhood bodega gill and the guys are all friendly as was anna the cat r.i.p yeah no this was in 2016 honey I like their coffee and 99 cent paper towel K&K is definitely a great spot to pick up random essentials end of reveal I love Gil and the guys I picture that

as a bunch of cats yeah R.I.P. Anna but there's an update basically because a couple years later uh Athena

ooh that's a that's a nice looking name I just don't know how to say it. Five stars. What a great bodega for everyday needs. And my Ben and Jerry's fix. They make good coffee, have great snacks,

have an awesome, almost famous bodega cat named Cash that is incredibly handsome and fun to visit. And everyone who works here is really nice. Love our bodega. End of review. These are warming my damn heart. Isn't this nice? I want a bodega.

And I'm worried because of this whole thing. Why? Because of this whole thing. This thing. This. This. Coronavirus. Thank you.

Sorry. This pandemic. The COVID-19 pandemic. I heard 99 cent paper towels and I thought my first thought was uh oh. They got a lot of business probably. Yeah. I hope they're still okay. I hope those cats are being fed.

Yeah, I'm sure they are. I guess they eat rats, so they'll be fine. Yeah, and I don't know. I mean, at least in LA, grocery stores are open. I assume that means 7-Elevens, because that's our equivalent here, because I feel like that's the only thing I have close to me. Yeah.

Which doesn't have a cat. That sucks. Could you imagine if a 7-Eleven had a cat? They'd probably be in big trouble. Just drop Junie juni off well that's all i've got guys that was really comforting to me somehow i really enjoyed that folks we're trying to do more um well i'm just speaking for the both of us i'm like what are we i don't know what the hell he's trying to do but i'm thinking we should maybe do some little fun content things so if you have any ideas of what you want to see on instagram or if you want us to i don't know yeah do some extra stuff do youtube what you guys just tell us what you guys want do instagram live

we have no idea i feel like i'm overwhelmed with suddenly having like blank time in front of me and also like we have this studio right here and um we don't have to leave the house for this, which is great. We have a ring light and we have internet. We have a ring light. That'll make me look good. That's true. It does. That's why I turn it on whenever Oxen and I are, like, having a meal or, like, hanging out.

I make sure to place the ring light in about proximity of his face. Oh, no. But truly, if you have any, I don't know, ideas, hit us up. Beach Too Sandy. That's just my little spiel. Yeah, hit us up. That would be great, actually. Come up with ideas for us.

I know. I would love to do stuff. Because we want to use this time well. We don't know what you guys want. Tell us what you want. What the hell do you want from me? What do you want from us? Anyway.

What do you want from me? I think she's actually just stalling because she doesn't have a theme ready. Do you have a theme ready? Also with this ring light my god uh i don't oh also i wanted to say somebody mentioned this and now it's haunted me ever since that you were talking about bamboo toilet your damn bamboo toilet paper and then you said pandemic or no no yes i did see you said pandemonium and someone went alexander said bamboo toilet paper and then the word pandemonium in the same sentence and didn't didn't latch on to the panda the panda pun you know i'm sorry everyone it hurt me i did order some bamboo fiber underwear great talk about fucking pandemonium okay i came up with this next idea out of my own

very own brain and nobody helped me let's hear it it is to find reviews of universities unis in england oi england going to uni oh harry potter harry potter um the challenge this week is from Audrey who emailed us hi Audrey oh now I have to pay attention to this huh Audrey says I'm gonna expand on it this is a bad one and like this is gonna be not a fun one for you yeah I get it yeah

Audrey says I would love to hear reviews of places that shouldn't really be reviewed like Anne frank's house or the vietnam veteran memorial um or the irish potato exactly and that's kind of what i thought of i want you to find negative reviews of places that really shouldn't receive negative reviews like and i know that sounds vague but you know what I mean. No, I know full well what you mean. A lot of memorials. I know full well what you mean. Tragedies.

This is such a bad idea. Such a dick. This is such a bad idea. I'm sorry, everyone. You're like, I just want to bring positivity to the world. I did so much positive stuff this episode. You've run out. That I'm out.

Of goodwill. Yeah. Okay, fine. I actually like that idea. I think it's going to be quite shocking and hilariously awful. I think this might be a long very uncomfortable long episode next week very uncomfortable can't wait so in the meantime if you guys have any ideas hit us up um we are here at your disposal email us at beach to sandy at

gmail.com or if you find any um coronavirus themed reviews we can do a bonus we'd love to do more bonuses part two bonus maybe she for madness uh otherwise just sit back take care of yourself take care of your plants and stay tuned for a an extremely uncomfortable um and unfortunate episode next week can't wait goodbye everyone Bye.