Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 72: Resorts in Mexico

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. And action. Hello and welcome to... Ow! Sorry.

Hello and welcome... Clap, clap, take two. And ready... Do they ever clap, clap the things? With the thing. Yeah, do they do it twice? Uh-huh. Okay.

They do it actually three times. Oh. Action. Okay. They do it actually three times. Oh. Action. Hello and welcome to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Alex. And I'm Christine and you have joined us today on day 467 of self-isolation. Oh, I was like, of what? Is this how long we've been around for? Yeah, I've been counting. I have a little, in my closet, a little tick mark for every single day we have to go through this podcast. Jesus. Okay, well, that started off strong. Our theme for this week is resorts in Mexico.

And Alexander, was this an original theme for you? It was. It popped in my head. That's incredible because I found two emails from Alicia and Kristen. Are you serious? Yeah, that said, hey, why don't you do resorts in Mexico? Well, Alicia and Kristen, I promise you I did not steal your idea intentionally. Were they red? Were they red? Or were they unred?

I believe they were red. I believe they were from a while ago. Whoops. I think subconsciously they entered your folds of your mind. But anyway, that's okay. We like to steal other people's content here at Beach Too Sandy. That's basically the whole idea of our show. Also, I'm really sorry we made everyone so angry with our April Fools. It was 11.52 and Alexander said, you know, our episode comes out in eight minutes on April Fool's. Maybe we

should do something. And so we ran into the podcast room slash office in our pajamas and recorded that real quick. And it got you though. Yeah, the response was quite something. I was very impressed at how many people felt for it. It was fun. Did you see the person who said that they started to listen and got a call so they had to stop and thought all day that they that we had gotten in all this trouble also i want to add that alexander actually didn't want like his original idea was to not say april fools and make everyone just believe it and i then we kind of realized like oh god people are gonna tweet at yelp yeah we cannot have that. Because then actually Yelp will ban us. Because that actually might happen. We might be soothsayers.

Whoa. This might actually happen. You just gave me a headache. Oh, can I plug something? Please. Well, okay. It's my other podcast. No, I'm just kidding.

I did that last week. Oh, I know what you're going to plug. Plug it. It's great. Oh, thank you. It's my new line of candles. No. Serenity by Christine.

Oh man, I was taking a sip. I was going to say it. No, I started a YouTube channel all by my lonesome because, you know, I was supposed to be on tour right now and I'm not. And so I was like, well, I guess I'll sit down in the dark and read German cautionary tales tales to the camera which is fantastic thank you and drink wine everyone could use it right now and it's uh you know in this time of chaos i wanted to um not make you more comfortable or happy of course so uh yeah so you can i mean i'm just trying to figure out what the hell to do on youtube so i have have two videos out now, but I'm, I think I'm thinking of doing one, um, and a new kind this week. So if you want to go, go see me on the YouTube, it's, I think it's youtube.com slash X teen files. Well, it is great. Everyone should go watch it and hear her read these terrible tales. And the

editing is fantastic too. I think that's, uh, yeah, it adds a lot. I love to edit and I never get to do it. So, um, it's been fun. Anyway, thank you for letting me plug my own personal agenda. Of course. I'll get payback later somehow. Great. All right. So let's get into resorts in Mexico, shall we? Shall we? We shall. Mexico, shall we? Shall we? We shall. I have a one-star review by Cecily of LeBlanc Spa Resort. Travelers beware.

Theft. Came across an online review of this resort. I can't believe how this girl was treated. Property stolen by staff with no help. End review oh my god who wrote that cecily and she's like it's like cecily with an s and then she's like this girl cecily with the c her stuff was stolen it's incredible how poorly everyone has treated her it's so annoying she's also so beautiful they even make you put in the type of trip it was. So Cecily put vacation. And then a specific rating for rooms.

They gave it a one. Is this TripAdvisor? No, this is Google. Oh. And for service, they gave a one. And all of this is based on someone else's online review. That is so nuts. And the owner responded and said, we have no idea what you're talking about.

Basically. They said, we do not have information about the review you're talking about. So contact us via email. What are you talking about? And I did not see a review that was relevant to that. This is bonkers. These are these people who think that they can be like renegades out in the internet and aren't even good at it. They'll post this and say to

themselves, you know, I did some good in the world today. Let me go yell at a store owner. You know, they feel so good about themselves now. Yeah. Awful. And they didn't even experience it. Nothing happened to this person. They read a review online. They suffered greatly. And decided to hurt a business. Reading that review, though, to be fair. Okay. Let's see. Where did I go first? I went to Excellence Resort Playa Mujeres.

How was it? You know, it was excellent. Good one. Thanks. Two stars by Katie. Oh, right. I forgot. I'm starting with kind of a mystery. We love a good mystery.

Yeah. The verdict is still out. For days, I have listened to this strange heartbeat sound in my room at various times of the day for hours on end. I called the manager three times regarding the sound and was told it may have been the seaweed tractor. Wait, what? I'm pretty sure this person is having a fever dream. Did you Google this? No.

Is this an episode of SpongeBob? A seaweed tractor. What is a seaweed tractor? I love that. I just wanted to keep the mystery alive, so I didn't Google it. I'm Googling it right now. I know you are. It's literally just a tractor that

removes seaweed from the beach and it pulses like a heartbeat um it's shaped like a giant heart oh like the blood mobile it is like the oh you know red cross don't they where they take do they have a heart-shaped one of the bus no okay. Oh, okay. So, here we go. Okay, sorry. Seaweed tractor. Strange heartbeat. Seaweed tractor. Is everyone getting these clues for the murder mystery party?

Okay. Finally, on the fourth call, someone showed up to come listen to the strange sound, upon which they finally understood it was not a seaweed tractor. It was not a car. It was not a clock in the room. Oh, wait. Okay, hold on. Sorry to interrupt.

Do we know? Does she reveal what it is? Maybe. You'll have to fucking find out. But I want to play the game. What game? Of guessing what this thing is. Yeah, you should guess. Okay.

I'm not good at this. Well, you wanted to play the game. I know. I got so excited, and now I'm just overwhelmed. Okay. I'm not good at this. Well, you wanted to play the game. I know. I got so excited and now I'm just overwhelmed. Okay. I think that it was... A seaweed tractor. That's all I can... I cannot get that seaweed tractor out of my mind. I believe it was... this was during a hurricane and that is the Red Cross helicopter pulsating over the resort.

That's my guess. Interesting. Okay, good guess. Everyone playing at home? Did you write your guess down? You can't steal mine. Alexander already picked his. He called dibs.

On the Bloodmobile helicopter. Upon which they finally understood it was not a tractor, it was not a car, it was not the clock in the room. We shall see if we get some relief from the repetitive heartbeat sound in my room. I am willing to edit my review depending upon if and when we receive any resolution. Many wouldn't update their review after trying so many times to contact people end of review what so we don't know what it is there is no update so she's still in there to this day listening to the heartbeat pulsate that is terrifying inside the wall but i feel like in person it wouldn't be nearly as terrifying this sounds like some creepy novel like i wonder coming from maybe she took too much of something and can hear her own heartbeat i think

she probably just put her earplugs in and is hearing her own pulse in her head or it's your helicopter whatever i don't know i just it's helicopters pulsate, I think. Yeah, that's what I heard. So that's my first mystery. Your turn. Of more? There are more mysteries? I can't wait. I think this is pretty good.

Well, we'll see. That was a good start. My next one is also of LeBlanc Spa, again. All Inclusive Adults Only by Sammy. One star. Not flexible whatsoever my children were staying at the resort right next to us both aged 18 and the hotel staff would not let them visit us i was scared for my children the entire time because i could spend the time i needed with them. What? I know.

I made no sense at the end. Wait, what? I think they just got really scared. You just threw your own mystery in. Yeah. Wait, what? So Sammy decided, let's go to a resort. But I'm going to stay at the all-inclusive adult resort.

Yeah, hear me out. This will be fun. Book a separate resort for my children who are 18 and up. Yeah. And they will come visit me, but the staff won't let them. However, according to the response, the owner said that you can always receive visitors. However, for them to use any of the facilities,

they have to buy a day pass, which is very common. very common precisely what they did they probably just booked them rooms somewhere else and said okay now come over and get free food yes like that's pretty much exactly what i assume happened and so of course sammy throws in the whole safety thing but if safety were really an issue you probably wouldn't start off by booking them a separate resort it's pretty damn rude to be like okay you can stay at this shitty hotel across the street. Your dad and I are going to drink champagne. Come over if you want to join us. But I'm so worried about you.

Right? That's just really rude. It's just very, very rude. Thank you for standing up to Sammy Jr. You're welcome. I have another review of Excellence Res playa mujeres i know i have a terrible accent um when speaking spanish and i apologize my first one was like a french name i know it's kind of weird so whatever okay this is one star by t don't get married here

i know alexander i didn't uh i really didn't want to make it like plans i know i'm sorry i know you wanted that pulsating heartbeat to play throughout your entire ceremony i'll just have like one of those uh little speaker things microphones attached to my chest i'll just have um like a seaweed truck drive around the church and then I'll float along in a swamp like an alligator or whatever the hell that thing was a log a log okay continue please don't get married here the staff was highly disorganized and the wedding planner was nowhere to be found the food was so horrid I actually lost five pounds. How does that happen? Should have known that this place wasn't going to be excellent

when I literally had to do cartwheels to set off the motion detectors at the front door. Sigh. End of review. Literally? Literally. Literally had to do cartwheels. Someone was just showing off, if that's the case you're going in the same you're the same height whether you're doing your car whether you're upside down that's

true like jumping sure but you could yeah you could just do jumping jacks and probably get the same i know exactly what happened they were trying to open the door and and then the security looked down saw someone doing cartwheels across the front in the dark and locked all the doors and was like don't let that motherfucker in here probably the right call in a wedding dress in a wedding dress too yeah was that clear that they were the ones getting married it was a dude so i mean maybe but i don't know okay um i don't know it just it there were a lot of reviews of this place that said the wedding was terrible, but they were guests, so it could have been a guest. Could you imagine you host a wedding and then your guests give the venue a one-star review? It happens a lot. It's really rough.

I actually left one for the venue where you got married. The transept Cincinnati? Yeah. They banned me for life. I was going to get married there, too. Here's the thing. I already had them ban you for life before you wrote that review. Anyway, you were like, there was no pulsating whatsoever throughout the entire series.

Other than my own heart, and it wasn't loud enough. Oh, boy. Just kidding. The venue was lovely. Thank you. It was, wasn't it? It was. It was great. Okay, my next one is of royalton suites cancun by gordon my favorite is i don't know if i've ever commented on this my favorite is when you say a word and then you like trail it off like

you're like cancun do you do you know you think our listeners love me so much it's so disturbing i do do that a Why do you think our listeners love me so much? It's so disturbing. I do do that a lot, don't I? Yeah. Well. Anyway, go ahead. Don't feel self-conscious. Now I'm so self-conscious, but I'm going to keep doing it.

No, no, no. I'm going to love it. Okay, everyone tell me how much they love the way I talk. One Star by Gordon. Okay, that one was on purpose. Okay. The rooms stink of dampness through the air conditioning. The shower drains when showering gas up and stink of rotten eggs. The main buffet still doesn't serve their meals with a warm plate.

And finally, one or more of the cleaning staff are thieves who steal from packed suitcases in your room that you've packed to return home. Apart from that, the poolside bar staff are excellent. And a review. So this too has a little bit of mystery. A lot, actually, I would argue. The shower drains when showering gas up and stink of rotten eggs like that is a mystery for the ages the mystery sound we've got a mystery smell on our hands a little bit of everything today so far sensory overload oh that's for sure i uh i don't

i don't think about the the sensory overload for our listeners. We have to hear our voices. Yeah. Describing senses. It must be rough. I can't follow entirely, but I do really enjoy this person. Yeah, I like Gordon. Gordon and I go back. Yeah.

The warm plate thing. I personally, which maybe this is just me, I don't enjoy a warm plate like a restaurant. It kind of weirds me out. And I know that that's probably just like strange, but especially at a buffet, if I'm like, if I warm plate and I get that they just wash them or whatever, but if I warm plate and then I put like cold, like fruit on it, it like weirds me out. Sensory overload, you know? you know oh yeah also i feel like if you get a warm plate at a restaurant a lot of times it signifies that they've like microwaved it at least that's what it's in my head i don't know if that's real um but so that's just a

strange thing to me to be also i like that he said still they're still not doing it which means he's tried he has been to change working on this yeah this is he's been i think working really hard i think about all those shower all those gassy egg showers he's had to take well have you heard of the the walker brand so it's named gordon walker walker brand no they make these plate warmers oh and they deal with their clients are mostly resorts in the cancun area so Oh, I see. I think that's where this all stems from. Oh, I see.

Walker plate warmers. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense, Sandy. That's very good. You know what? Your mystery solving game is top notch today. You know what's crazy is I didn't even Google that. I just knew that. What? Yeah.

You're kidding. That comes from personal experience. Holy shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. You bring a lot to the table. All right. You're kidding. That comes from personal experience. Holy shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. You bring a lot to the table. All right. You do, indeed.

Welp, the next one I have is Secrets. Secrets. Like the deodorant. Sure, but more like Secrets. Playa Mujeres, Cancun. One star by Will. Run. So. Run. Sorry.

Run. Don't read my review or others. Okay, stop. Lisa, don't. What? Okay, what? It's too late. I know.

Run. Don't read my review or others. Just run. First off, this place is so lame. So exactly. I mean, I really broke the rules, but I needed to know what happened afterward. I wish you hadn't broken these rules. First off, this place is so lame that after the first day here, I can't wait to get back to work.

But I'm stuck here for six more nights, frown face. Food is okay, but nothing great. Poorly run all-inclusive. They nickel and dime you to death only with dollar sign hundreds dollar sign but the employees are well trained and try hard this review is not about them it is about a poorly designed resort spend your money in vegas disney florida maybe the florida keys or actually anywhere else in Florida. Sponsored by the Florida Tourism Board. Sponsored by alligators.

Oh, God. Sponsored by Big Cat Rescue in Tampa. The Florida Keys or actually anywhere else in Florida. I'm so sick of this mistake. I want to vomit. What? I don't know. How is it poorly? Wait what i don't know how is it poorly wait i don't know i haven't figured out what's wrong with this place there were more compliments about the place than negatives they nickel and dime you only with dollar sign hundreds dollar sign and then they talked about

how great the staff was and stuff what the heck they're well trained too jesus well that's where that money goes to he just wants to get back to work at the um big cat rescue oh yeah in florida understandable so this is uh a review by bella of the grand vegas riviera maya okay one star hi oh hey starting starting sweet hi i want to know if this resort has gluten-free food thanks and did you write this fucking review i eat so much gluten oh my god wait that's a one star yes oh come on and then the they responded very the owner responded very positively and just like it is a pleasure for us to inform you that the restaurants um blah blah have dishes within their menu that are gluten-free and they like didn't even say anything about it being a one star they just responded very positively and we're like why would you be looking at the star rating and go i'd like to know about gluten hmm which one should i click

how many questions do i have one out of five one i guess like i don't know like it must have i'm giving bella the benefit of the doubt and say there's a mistake because i don't think bella would be like oh this place i would give it a negative review maybe they thought if you give a one star they're more likely to get an answer from the resort maybe that's my thought that would be pretty shitty that's oh absolutely i don't give people the benefit of the doubt as much as you do i guess okay this is um a one-star view of secrets playa mujeres cancun one star by Yin. It was a nice place for vacation until we found the room service lady put a dirty cleaning cloth on my friend's toothbrush. So disgusting. There were a lot of space she could have put things, but she put right on there.

My friend brought her own sheets for her bed, And after the lady cleaned the room, my friend found she had turned her sheets upside down. That made my friend very upset. So we stopped the room cleaning service for the rest of our days. Be aware. End of review. Upside down as in like inside out or literally just flipped it? I think probably just flipped it. Like so that's what was it?

It's not their sheet sheet like they're probably like which i don't know which way the mickey mouses are supposed to face you brought your own sheets to the hotel the the witch mice on vacuum cleaners oh my god we had the listen we had these like flannel flannel um this flannel duvet cover and it was these mice which is my which mice riding okay i know this literally exactly what i just said but you continue right right riding vacuum cleaners around the sky and then we had ones with little whales on them that were super happy whales yes very god i miss those good times anyway send them to our po box if you have i would love some flannel sheets that sounds so comfortable okay my next one um is a one-star review

of marquee los cabos resort and spa this one isn't funny or good. This is just a fucking trip. Fantastic. So just giving y'all a heads up. I was on a honeymoon in Los Cabos. Our couple had an electric shock for about three to five minutes in the water while using the jacuzzi inside the Marquis Hotel. At that moment, there was nothing but a scream. I bounced out of the jacuzzi and rolled off the stairs

and none of the staff was interested in me. Sorry, it's not funny, but like rolling around on the floor and the staff looks over and says, nah, we're not interested. I told you this is a trick. Alexander. Okay, go on. And it's just getting started.

No. My late husband brought me a towel and the staff led me to the chair afterwards. I went to the hospital and fortunately I didn't get burned and had no heart problem. No one was interested in us when we arrived at the hotel again and the hotel was having a party. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This happened and then they're like i know what to do let's have a celebration that they're at the hospital let's hire a dj yeah no to mark the occasion i mean this does explain all the heart palpitations that one lady was hearing yeah oh my god maybe it's all connected because It really does. Because we were alive, the electrocution seemed to think only of small accidents.

I was able to talk with the manager the next day, with difficulty. The manager apologized and refunded only the cost of the hotel. But it is true that our one-time honeymoon has been ruined. Even now, I'm afraid of my whole body when I think about that moment. Whenever a trauma is left to do something, it makes me think about what to do if there is an accident. And on my knee, as I rolled on the stairs at the time of the accident, I still have a scar.

End of review. Alexander, what the fuck? I have no idea. What on earth? Can we get back to one little word that has me very concerned and it's late? Is it electrocution? Oh, late husband. It's actually late.

Oh, yes. It's actually late husband because this is their honeymoon. And is this a recent story? This was written 10 months ago. Did this person's late husband become late after the electrocution? It said at one point it says because we were alive. Oh, good. The review is by a foreign, like it's this person, English is not their first language.

Oh, mine neither. I mean, I can totally understand that. So I'm hoping that certain things in there were just kind of lost in translation. Because late husband, when speaking of an electrocution to the whole body sounds extremely alarming to me yeah oh my god and technically i believe electrocution always ends in death like that the term electrocution means that you were killed by it i could be wrong but i didn't bring that up because that's pedantic and yeah it is yeah not even you knew that not even i i know it's shocking that not even i knew such a thing but yeah and also being shocked in the water for three to five

minutes that seems a little much that seems three to five minutes but um and then rolling down the stairs apparently though hot tub miswiring is a common thing so be careful and if you ever feel a shock when you're in a hot tub or jacuzzi don't go back in just not that they this person did stay away get an electrician get a professional get an electrocution or whatever she called yeah get in a chair alexander that's horrifying oh yeah no it's terrifying i read it and i was like it makes me not want to get in a jacuzzi to be quite frank with you. Like, that's really scary. And also like, now that's the kind of thing

where I would understand if someone else, if Cecily read that review and went, you know what? That's pretty fucked, guys. Like, one star for service. They threw a party after this lady got electrocuted in a jacuzzi and then rolled down the stairs

and then they blew up some balloons and hired a dj that's pretty fucked up guys like that's the kind of thing where i'd be like yeah i get it there's a clown with one of those things where uh you shake their hand and they have a little buzzer just trick that lady over and over again with that it's really quite rude okay my next review is of a place called oh it's another secrets resort but a different one nice it's at secrets the vine cancun this is one star by matthew no no the trip from hell that keeps on giving the hotel is very pretty if you, it's the last hot meal you'll get. They do not have a filter on the HVAC, so mold is circulating all over the room.

I'm allergic! When I complained about the room and all its smells, even tipping $100 per day, I became an outcast. I became afraid for my personal security. They refused to move us, didn't restock our mini bar. And the last night, someone put blood on our sheets. This person is so paranoid. What is going on? I don't know. Who hurt you? They didn't restock our minibar. Oh, God, I'm an outcast.

Yeah, it was all over the place. Like, I fear for my security. They didn't restock our minibar. Oh, God, I'm an outcast. Yeah, it was all over the place. Like, I fear for my security. They didn't restock our minibar. There's blood on my sheets. Maybe lead with that next time. That's right. But I will say they posted a picture of the quote-unquote blood on their sheets. Oh, I thought it was going to be of the minibar.

The one thing we can prove. Yeah, right. Empty Pringles cans everywhere. No, there was a picture of the quote-unquote blood on their sheets and like on the edge of a pillowcase there was like a little red dot which like is gross and gnarly and a biohazard if it is blood i'm not sure it could be lipstick or something i don't know but it look i mean it could very well be blood it's just a little tiny spot but i don't think they like went and put blood on his

sheets with their special dropper just for these moments somebody brings like one of those little pin prickers and like just like a little fingerprint on the pillow it's like a game they play who's the most paranoid guest in the hotel let's see if the dropper trick will work they're like gaslighting him emptying his pringles out and putting a little jesus could you imagine though like what if that shit was actually happening and here we are making fun of this guy and he's like god you're right it's like he's he's probably like also being followed by the fbi and everything and we'd make fun of him there's like a heartbeat like pulsing in the background and they're like everything they just keep going we don't hear anything that's just some seaweed driving around i'm feeling bad for this guy the blood on the sheets was pretty funny i mean it wasn't funny but like the picture literally had just

like the tiniest dot and i was like yes if you had said there's blood on the sheets that's horrifying but the fact that he said like they intentionally put it there was very very comical to me oh my god some setup like but what what do they gain from that that's what i don't understand are they framing him for something oh maybe look he murdered someone with the google his name he might be in prison now with like a little a needle he just murdered someone with a needle okay your turn okay my last one is of the St. Regis Punta Mita Resort. Oh, fancy. By Navid, one star.

Very dissatisfied with our stay. Went there for wife's birthday. We went all out and got a beachfront room. The second night it rained and I heard my wife scream in the middle of the night. You love that? It's because all of these are so dramatic like yeah i can't i don't understand why at these the most dramatic things happen at these resorts people are bleeding all over people are why can't dramatic things happen to me like this come on the number of people i

read who just ended up in the hospital and like okay i was at a place in indonesia at the hotel really nice place most dramatic thing that i did was i a place in Indonesia at the hotel. Really nice place. Most dramatic thing that I did was I left my debit card in the ATM. Well, there was a lady who kept burping. Oh, God. So maybe that was the most dramatic thing. But yes, you're right. I forgot about that story.

I feel like my story is pale in comparison to these people's trauma. It's just not as exciting for me. No. The second night it rained and I heard my wife scream in the middle of the night. Three giant black roaches fell on our bed and on our faces from the ceiling. This happened to us for two more nights. Oh my god! There were...

Just like, you know, casually. There were a total of nine roaches that took up residence on our bed and our faces. We notified the manager, most incompetent manager ever, and she did absolutely nothing. The food outside is much better than resort food. Then we took a private snorkel trip with St. Regis, and the captain stole my ATM card while we were snorkeling. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. That seems so unlikely, but I don't know.

Bad people exist. Again, the worthless management of St. Roach Motel did nothing to help us. I will never stay at this resort again. End of review. Navid, you could have at least said St. Roaches instead of St. Regis. It would have been a little clever. It sucks. You really ruined the punchline.

How dare he? What a jerk. you really ruined the punchline how dare he what a jerk once again if a series of roaches if a slew of roaches if a murder of roaches falls onto onto one's face yes grounds for one star review return of money all of it maybe even lawsuit if you're dramatic but this seems not real to me nine roaches like okay wait so maybe it's the same three roaches that kept climbing up like a game or you see a puppy go down a slide it runs up and wants to go down the slide again you're like that's so cute this time it's roaches oh my god they want to play again do you mean a child no i've seen the pup i don't know i'm thinking of animals like okay there are puppies that do that they're like oh my god look slides or even wild animals you

see on have you seen those no alexander but i want to now well that's what i think of roaches okay doing their fun little game i maybe the ceiling's really slippery and they're just trying to get away back into their little hole their little roach hole and every time they get up there it's like ding dang dang it i fell back down true onto navid's face i think that they're true honestly i think they're being really trying to be very respectful by not crawling over them instead they're like let's take the long way go over over the ceiling. That's exactly right. Yeah. Fucking take a hint. Yeah, seriously.

That's gross, though. I know, that's pretty gross. Okay, I'm out of reviews, so you give me a couple more. Okay, I have two more. This is a one-star review by Maya. Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're now at the Hard Rock Hotel Cancun. Yeah, we are. I'm so excited about this one.

This is a one- star review by Maya. This place was horrible. Do not go here. They were very rude. They tried sex trafficking me and a few friends. Food was disgusting in the breakfast buffet.

End of review. Excuse you? Was there an owner response? Like, no we didn't? there was an owner response that was like can you please contact us and tell us what the hell is going on please contact some sort of law enforcement agency as well and like this is not a thing that did this to you yeah holy fuck i don't know i just i don't know i don't know you hear those things and you're like that is a very serious topic and then you're like wait they're leaving this as like a Yelp review?

Yeah, it's an extremely serious accusation that I would hope, if this were really what was happening, that you would call the police and not worry so much about how warm your Warner Brothers plates are. What are they called? Wrangler plates? Walker? Walker plates. Not worry about how warm your breakfast plates are because you just got tried to get kidnapped i mean i don't know yeah that's um it seems like it

warrants a little more than uh not to like victim blame here but like but is but like are you is this actually real it seems like maybe it's not you know what i'm gonna err on the side that it's not let's let's hope not i mean i mean she seems fine like at least they made it home to write on yelp so true true at least at least we know that's true um yeah the focus on the breakfast really uh really convinces me that maybe this was that's not something you sandwich into a review no not really not really. Not really. Anyway. Oh, I have another one. This is One Star by Amo. Remember that name. Remember the name.

You know that song. Yeah. 100% power of will or something. I'm in a big game. Is that the same song? 100% reason to remember the name. Yeah. 5% pleasure, 50% pain.

100%. He doesn't need his name up in lights. He just wants to be heard, whether it's the beat of the mic. The clock ticks. Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay, I'm going to stop it. It's not even late.

No, it's not late. We're drinking coffee. We're not even drinking. Okay. This is a once-reviewed by Amo. Remember the name. Let me tell you something, bro. not late we're drinking coffee we're not even drinking okay this is a once review by amo remember the name let me tell you something bro i went to this place for a vacation and just got to making my review now because i was so angry with a lot of things so i gave it some time and said let me

cool off but my friends time has passed and I ain't coolin' off. My friend the tank got the resort. I'm shaking in my boots that Amo isn't cooled off and that he has a friend named Tank. I know, things are just getting worse for everyone. I'll remember that name for sure. Yeah, that's true. My friend the tank booked the resort. All-inclusive food, drink, etc. But I mean, they were just ridiculous.

I don't know where to start. Food was not good. I'd rather pay for food that is good than get bulk for free or included. The environment there is very different than what you would expect. Older crowd. Cool, but not what I was expecting from Hard Rock Cafe. Need some rock and roll freaks. Not grandma and grandpa swimming with flabby arms

what i think this person's never been to a hard rock i know who thinks hard rock cafe and thinks like punks or some punks of the punk scene ziggy idol they have too much nonsense security for bringing friends over to visit. They want to charge you another fee for you to continue your party in the hotel. I have a lot of friends in Mexico, but it was just too costly for them to visit me. So they even told me, why did you stay there? I spoke to the GM and explained my whole situation. His name is Rock or Rocky.

Cool guy. I was very understanding after I told him why I would never go back to his hotel. We are single men looking to go to the hard rock as party central. Can we talk about how the manager's name is Rock? Or that's what Amo remembers? I think Amo's a little bit deluded here. Something's happening. Something is in the water.

Yeah, it's an electric current and it's getting everybody. Oh, no. We are single men looking to go to the hard rock as party central. I understand that tank used up a lot of soap. What? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I understand that Tank used up a lot of soap and really put a dent in the place.

And it's because of your regulations. Tank is my BFF. Mine mine too amo very dirty i guess tank is my bff and he wasn't happy at all he blames the hard rock for limiting his joy can you imagine if that's actually what he said he's like the hard rock has limited my joy that's's a very LA thing. Sounds very Tank. Like a yoga guru named Tank. Yes, yes. My new friend, St. Louis. Where are we?

Is that a character in Zombieland? I don't know. My new friend, St. Louis, was drunk all day all day every day and was having the time of his life. That's its own bullet, so I don't know what the complaint is there, but it seems like things went okay for St. Louis. In the second day, I realized what needed to be done. So I went ahead and bribed all security and all bust boys, valet, etc. And had my way around the hotel in order to make my trip worth its wild. Not the right...

Maybe that was intentional. Worth its wild, I guess maybe. Two single guys. Two single guys out on the town. Party rockin'. Party hard rockin'. Oh, yeah. Flabby arms, left and right, and unlimited joy, hopefully.

I can't believe no one at this hotel matched their level of coolness. It's hard to imagine anyone could match their level of coolness. I mean, St. Louis, sure. At least St. Louis was there. Yeah, thank God. Basically, I had to invest a little more corrupting all the hotel employees to make my trip start having some freedom. And oh, my friend, did that save the situation. It was either getting my money back, not happening, or bribe the way to glory.

What? I don't understand, Alma. What did you want to do? I don't know. I don't understand, Amo. What did you want to do? I don't know. He says it's too expensive to have these people come in and yet he can bribe the entire staff?

He can corrupt the entire hotel staff with all of his... Have them under his thumb? For what purposes, Amo? For his freedom. Okay. Yeah. It's a small price to pay for the freedom at the Hard Rock Cafe and Casino in Cancun, Mexico. All the way to glory. Bribe your way to glory.

That's what I always say. Boy, oh boy. I'm sorry. Bribe the way to glory. Yes. My friend, unless you got some extra cash, don't bother staying at Grandpa Hard Rock Cafe. This has been reviewed by Amo Enterprise and we stand by what we review.

End of review. Is that an LLC or? It's actually an S-Corp. Oh, okay. No, I clicked on Amo's profile. Thank God. Very much a real person who starts, I would say probably 30 30 of his reviews with

you cool cats and kittens i wish with let me tell you something bro which is how he started this one oh no oh no and i will say this was the only one that seemingly that um ended with this has been reviewed we stand by what we review some of the other uh endings to reviews included regards comma and then like no sign like no name or anything just regards then sometimes he would end his reviews with amo has spoken oh that's my favorite so it sounds like a genie yeah i mean i don't know why you didn't get that from the review it's juniper guys juno juni is underneath the couch and keeps smacking geo what is happening smack geo in the face while he's trying to sleep

well juni yesterday i found him on the table launching puzzle pieces onto the floor um so that geo could chew them so they're in a mood this quarantine has really gotten to them all i have left is a redemption oh nice okay but it's not really a redemption it's one of those it's it's actually not one of those oh it's actually a one-star review that I find to be a redemption for my own personal experience. Okay. I don't know if that makes any sense. Nope. I hope it will after you read it.

This is a one-star review by Sandy of Excellence Resort Playa Mujeres. Well, if you want a hotel that has line dancing, bingo, Elvis night, and pool volleyball, then this adult hotel is for you. As a sophisticated traveler, however, I was looking for quite the opposite experience. Understated, quiet elegance. Can't wait for this vacation to end. End of review. You know what, Sandy? Yeah, that's exactly what I look for in a resort. Thank you. That sounds amazing. Elvis night. Heck yeah. Let's go. Alright, the challenge that you gave me came courtesy of Birdell, who

challenged me to find reviews with a response from the owner that was rude, shady, or not professional. I'm sorry, my cat is inside the puzzle box now. If you want to see a picture of Juniper in the puzzle box, sign up on Patreon at patreon.com slash beach2sandy. I was going to add this picture.

I'm sending it to you right now. Okay. He looks so cute. Oh, now he's eating the box. Junie, I mean, why do I think I can do anything remotely productive in this house? I don't know. Um, so yeah, sign up on Patreon if you want to see a picture of the cat in a puzzle box. He's eating it. Junie, stop it. Come here. Be a part of our family for as little as $2 a month. Come here. Out. We also do monthly Q&A sessions on YouTube Live.

Everyone out. And we also have a Facebook page where we participate and hang out with you guys. So, yeah. And for $5 a month, you can get our theme song as a ringtone or something. I'm sorry. Where were we? I was just pitching them on giving us their money all right all that money back to our challenge from burdell my challenge from burdell um i'd like to warm us up with one that's not quite rude shady or

not professional can you tell me what the you you tell me what the challenge was? Yes, I did. You did? Yes, I did. While Juniper was cheating. My puzzle. My challenge from Bridell was to find reviews with a response from the owner that was rude, shady, or not professional. That's right. I do recall.

This first one is... Some people might see it that way, but it's more sassy. But I wanted to ease into it. That's good. Sassy's not quite professional this is of the route 66 last stop shop on the santa monica pier okay here in santa monica california one star review by greg not the end of route 66 now here's a response from the owner. Where do you think the end of Route 66

is? You need to bookmark that page so that we can continue to check for updates because now I want to know where the hell he thinks it is. This was three years ago. Still no update. Do you know why? He's still looking i'm still looking he's like out in the ocean wandering route six i mean he's not one he clearly isn't

wandering route 66 he's wandering probably you're right the ocean yes wandering the ocean famously looking for the end uh this next one uh comes courtesy of a listener, Sumia, who led me to Pea Nails in Elkton, Maryland. Okay. And this owner has things to say. Okay. By the way, if you hear that, speaking of Pea Nails, it's not pee, it's rain. For the first time in a long time. Yeah, it's raining. And it's funny because I, I mean, it's not pee it's rain for the first time in a long time yeah it's raining and it's funny because i i mean it's not funny at all but i uh broke my car battery while the

window was rolled down and within 10 minutes it started pouring rain for the first time in months in los angeles and it hasn't stopped ever since good times so if i sound slightly um on edge or uh in you know psychological distress that's probably because my car is filling up with water as we speak. Yes. That's the only reason. That's it. Here is a review by Leah of Pnails, one star. Okay.

Super unprofessional. The place is nice and all, but I was told that this man didn't want to do my nails, and i had to leave because i brought to his attention that my nails were not the same length save your money and go somewhere else end of review response from the owner i'm excited go somewhere else please i don't want do your nails because you mentally thumbs down emoji end of response oh my god yes yes i bet that put that person just in a like total frantic chaotic headspace i can't even imagine how angry they must they must have flipped their lid when they saw that i know here's another one. This is a one-star review by Kai. Of the same place? Oh, yeah.

I have many. Oh, amazing. I am not going there ever because the review's just saying, but I got where my sister goes. This place is horrible. You need to fix your salon. End of review. That's very constructive criticism.

Thank you. Well, here's a constructive response from the owner. How did he get back in? I don't know. I locked him out. Response from the owner. How did he get back in? I don't know. I locked him out. Response from the owner. I know you're not my customer. Karma, back to you.

End of response. Oh my god, I love these. I want to write these on our one-star iTunes reviews. Karma, back to you. I wish we could respond to some of those. Oh, I do too. God god it hurts that we can't it really does here's a one-star review of pea nails by samantha not very impressed wouldn't have given one star but wanted to leave comment tried to go here twice and they have been closed

it says open till 7 p.m it was only 5 p.m both times no sign saying why they are closed so early not again we'll go somewhere else end of review response from the owner sorry for any inconvenience thumbs down emoji thumbs down emoji poop emoji end of response oh my god oh my god poop i like how they did two thumbs down. They're like, let's mix things up a bit. Let's mix things up. Okay. I just can't stop with these. I'm just going to keep going.

Oh no, they're amazing. Here's a one star by Elena. No pedicure liners and reused old files and buffers on me. Not very sanitary. Response from the owner. You are never come to my shop. Why you play games or you get wrong nails shop

or you work at another nail salon. Karma will back to you. Thumbs down emoji. Nails as in like, I think those are nails. Like emoji? Hammer and nails emoji or something. Like actual like nails.

Oh shit. Oh shit. That's like a play on words. Three of those and then thumbs down emoji poop emoji poop emoji does it just devolve into emojis like later on you have no idea oh my god and the amount of ones that say karma back to you it's it's something crazy karma back to you i'm gonna start saying that to literally every shitty person on the internet

karma back to you and then hold on okay so then come the reviews where people just leave stars they don't leave oh no so here's sarah left one star and so the response from the owner is who are you thumbs down emoji thumbs down emoji poop emoji hammer and wrench emoji. Drumstick emoji. Like chicken, like a drumstick. Do you think it's like one of those parents who they say their thumbs are too small for the keyboard and they keep hitting the wrong buttons? Because that just is so weird. A wrench emoji?

There's some weird ones. I'm not even done. What's going on? Karina also just left one star no comment response from the owner who are you played six thumbs down emoji karma poop emoji poop emoji drumstick emoji drumstick what is that about and then here's a mystery of all the ages another one christina left a one star review that was actually just now because I wanted my own response and I wanted to see what would happen. Here's what you get.

This is your response. You not my customer and never been here. Why give me bad review? Karma back to you. And I swear to God, at least 20 thumbs down emojis. Another like 15 fire emojis. Oh, shit. Two of those weird nail looking emojis.

I don't even know what that's called. There's an actual manicure emoji. I don't really understand why we're using hammer and nails. The red, like, octagon emoji. Oh. Chili pepper emoji. And three coffin emojis. No!

Okay, shit's getting real. Yeah. Shit is getting real. Karma back to you. I feel karma back to me, and i didn't even do anything john left two stars response from the owner your wife come here this morning get spa pedicure 35 and then leave without pay then you gave me two stars karma will back to you guys soon a bunch of thumbs down emoji a pill emoji oh those weird nail emojis again a like a baby bottle emoji oh followed by another nail emoji um some sort of

like character emoji poop emoji two swords crossed emoji drumstick emoji okay the thing is that all these emojis like baby bottle and stuff, they're so sinister. Yes. Because they don't really seem to relate to what's going on. To me, I feel like there's some really deep sinister intent here. And then the ones that are positive, like there are some positive reviews in there too. And then the response from the owner is just, thank you. Or thank you, smiling emoji.

No! No passion. No freaking out. No poop emojis. Yeah. Or whatever the opposite of poop emoji would be. None of it. It's so sad.

I feel like poop emoji works both ways because he's smiling. True. True. It's a very happy one. It's a very versatile emoji. Yeah. So apparently the wrench is too. So what do I know?

Yeah. I don't know what any of that means maybe someone can translate but um the pill and the coffin have been the most jarring to me personally so far so that's all i have from that place from pina so thank you samia for what the hell how did you find that tell me please because this is wild oh my god so crazy um uh from there i did a lot of my own research it was hard so i only have two more reviews okay i mean you just gave the same place 40 000 samia did so thank god samia existed oh yeah it is helpful when you guys send them in thank you for doing that oh it is it really is like i don't mean that uh facetiously at all i serious. So my thought process was what kind of place is like

the big chains you're not going to get owners from. So nail salons make sense. I did a bunch of independent taxi companies. I went through a bunch of small bars, breweries. I struggled.

A lot of them are very friendly believe it or not. A lot of them are very friendly, believe it or not. A lot of them respond, but they're very nice about it, even if the reviews aren't nice. But I found Cheeks Gentleman's Club. Yes, he did. In West Carrollton, Ohio. Oh, hell yeah. Near Dayton.

Here is a one-star review by Russ. So I was having fun at the fun at this club, and I dropped some bills on the floor. And some security guy came up and scooped up the money, even though knowing it was my money. So after they stole my money, after I asked for my money back, he said, You do not get to argue with me, even though we weren't arguing. We were just asking, got my money that i lost at the club they kicked us out and pepper sprayed us for no goddamn reason oh the worst club i have ever been to i will never go back there again unless they get rid of thieves that work for them if i you got any questions email me end review. I actually do have questions, sir.

Yes, Russ, we do. I will be gmailing you later. Off to a good start. Check your G chat. Well, here's the response from the owner. Wait, let me guess. Does it say, you put those bills in the G string of one of our dancers? If you were able to guess what this review said i would give you a hundred dollars on

the spot you drop it on the floor and i could go pick it up okay um and i want to give a little more context russ's review was left four years ago okay the response from the owner was a year ago oh boy three years later so the this is what the owner has to say the owner spent three years coming up with this response is is what I like to think. Yes. Let it marinate. Oh, God. I don't like reading this.

You were stealing girls' tips, and for a midget, you got a hell of a mouth on you. Oh, no. Goodbye. End of response. Oh, no. Oh, I know. Three years later. That's not okay.

Also, you think if you got by for three years without making an idiotic response then like just drop it yeah oh god i was in her yeah yeah that's not not cool not cool good thing is i have one more from the same place why is it a good thing because you don't like this oh i thought it was a redemption no this is a of cheeks gentleman's cup this is a very short one though this is so bad this is so dumb and can we actually just think about the fact that that guy was yeah that would be really funny if he was literally just stealing tips from like yeah people were giving money to the dancers and he was just taking it yeah and then was like that's mine i found it first it was just on the ground some guy threw it there and I picked it up. Somebody threw it on the stage. It's mine now.

So the person's name who reviewed this is Abhishek Misra. Okay. One star. Full of cheaters. Like a girl named Harmony. End of review. Uh-oh. So what did the owner say to Abhishek?

Karma, back to you. No. The owner said she probably cheated on you because your name sounds like a harry potter spell end of response who is this asshole i have no idea jesus christ i have no idea who comes up with this shit i don't know well it took him three fucking years so i think he really that's true he's journaling and he crosses him out and he's like that's not good no but harry potter now that is timely yeah so relevant well that's about it well thanks for ending us on a shitty note you're welcome poop emoji nails emoji i can't wait to go to cheeks channel in the club and see that guy for myself i can't wait either let me know how much money you find on the floor.

I already emailed them asking if we can film for our YouTube channel. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Yeah. Oh, right. What's the theme and challenge? Well, you tell me the theme.

I was thinking we could do, I don't know if this works. What about if we do monuments in DC? Yes. Okay, good. I know that's similar to like kind of what I did last week, but I didn't really look at many. Yeah, yeah. No, that's perfect. Okay, because I really think that would be a funny one.

I bet a lot of people requested that, too, actually. Oh, well, I didn't check. Much like you, I like to steal shit from people. Well, guess what? I'm going to give someone credit right now who sent in a challenge. Oh, my God, wow. Look how big of a person you are except their email handle was random person so don't actually have their name and they didn't sign

with their name i'm gonna uh credit everything from now on just to that person well random person had this idea for a challenge find a positive review where the reviewer mentions being banned from the location. Oh, my God. Okay. So that was a pretty hard challenge. I have a feeling. It might not even exist. But if it doesn't, I would love to just hear reviews where people mention being banned. Okay, folks.

If you know of these or you have any, please send them my way because I have a feeling it's going to be hard for me to find multiples. That's a tough one. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. This will be fun next week. I'm excited. And keep an eye out.

Friday, maybe something special is coming your way. Maybe. We'll see. Who's to say? All right. Poop emoji, nails emoji, coffin emoji. Karma back to you. Bye.