Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 74: Cigar Shops in Cuba

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode of your favorite review reading podcast, this time with less Yelp... since apparently Cuba doesn't have Yelp. But we still think you'll enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to Beach Shoe Sandy Water Too Wet. It's the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm Christine. Hi, my name is Alex.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. What's up today? You know, Jay chillin'. Yeah? Yeah. The theme this week was cigar shops in Cuba. And you can tell that it was all my idea and not a listener's idea because it was a terrible idea.

Yep. Didn't love it. Did not love it. Hey, folks, Cuba's not on Yelp. In case you were going to check, Cuba's not on Yelp. In case you were going to check, Cuba's not on Yelp. And also, the thing about cigar sales in Cuba is they're very heavily regulated by the government. Yes. So all the main cigar shops in Cuba are government cigar shops.

And they don't have many, and there aren't many reviews. They're not totally amenable to TripAdvisorvisor is I guess what Alexander is trying to say. But we did, I mean, I found a couple. I did as well. And you had a challenge and you said you brought it on the challenge, right? And by brought it, he said, I have some. I have some on the challenge. Okay.

What was your challenge again? My challenge, I wrote it down because it was very specific and because I broke the rules at one point. Was it about assembling? It was. It was assembling. It was about an assembly of assembling assemblymen. Today I taught Blaze how to, he's going to be so mad.

Today I taught Blaze how to make a box. What does that mean? Like open, like a flat box. Like a flat box and make it into a box box. What does that mean? Like open a flat box. Make a flat box and make it into a box box? I mean, listen. What step was he stuck on? The part of putting the flap under and then taping it. All of the steps, really.

Interesting. He's just never made a box before. Interesting. I'm like, he's intubated hundreds of people, but he's never made a box. So I guess we all have our strengths and mine is making a box. And that's it. Good to know. we'll find a way to capitalize on that um so anyway my challenge was to find reviews of products requiring assembly where the reviewer admittedly did not read the instructions love it what was nice was they didn't clarify whether they had to be negative or positive it was from harvey and leah from toronto

from toronto i remember this i think it's toronto is it really i think so okay you just said that very canadian is it really i got i got really sad that i messed that up and i i feel very apologetic toronto really i think i believe so i could. The Six. I make up a lot of things on this show. The Six. Well, I don't know what that is. Okay, never mind. It's Toronto. I guess I know more about Toronto than you.

I mean, I never claimed that I did, so yeah. Time for my theme? Please. Your theme? Yes. My theme. I'm taking full credit for this disaster. And by credit, you mean responsibility. Yes. My theme. I'm taking full credit for this disaster. And by credit you mean

responsibility. Yes. Good. The theme again was cigar shops in Cuba. And I was like Cuba it's a fairly big country. Lots of cities. We'll find something. Nope. Nope. My first one is of La Gaviota commercial something something something. Okay. I don't know Spanish. Spanish is like one of those languages that is completely like, I'm just terrible at pronouncing it. It's one of the only ones that he's bad at. He's good at most of them, though.

Okay. You know what? I'm just going to read this review. This is a one-star review by Klaus. Cigars. Spirits. cigars spirits bathing stuff odds and ends the fountain inside was once beautiful now it is a large trash can with some dead fish and oh no what the fuck yeah that's very different from the cigar reviews i read yeah oh and even though i'm saying this afterwards i also just pick places that happen to sell cigars that aren't exclusively cigar shops

because otherwise i would have had zero yeah you told me to look at hotels but the only thing i found when i looked at hotels because he said some hotels sell sell cigars there and every time i looked at hotels search for cigars, it was about how much cigar smoke was in the lobby. Really? Okay, I didn't see any of those. I think people on TripAdvisor have very specific particular problems. Do you know what I think of when I think of cigars? I remember the first day I saw someone smoking a cigar

and recognized what it was Was it at one of our cookouts? No, it was when we went sledding In indian hill what really a golf course and one of the dads had a cigar in his mouth while he was sitting on the sled with his Daughter, I believe in front of him on the same sled And it's like everyone could smell it. And I was like, what is that? And Elsie was not happy.

Really? Yeah, this guy like smoking his cigar. I feel like she'd be like, what a classy gentleman. There was nothing classy about it. But anyway, yeah. I truly don't remember that. My first experience with a cigar. Wow, sounds traumatizing.

It was. Did you cough? I haven't touched one since. Since that man let me touch his cigar. You didn't remember that. My first experience with a cigar. Wow. Sounds traumatizing. It was. Did you cough? I haven't touched one since. Since that man let me touch his cigar. You didn't even inhale. No. Okay. One star.

This is of Partaga Cigar Factory. Nice. I looked at those. There were some cigar factories. I only found reviews of cigar factories. That's good, though. Better than hotels. It is better than hotels.

So this one is called, so this one is one star. It's by Are We Having Fun Yet 4. I bet you can guess the answer to that question. No. Couldn't stand the female tour operator. She just thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread, but she is just obnoxious. Fake cigar smoking really treated our drivers and the tour gentlemen extremely rudely telling them they couldn't sit with us

she shouldn't be in public so we left end of review keep her lock keep that female locked away the gentlemen are trying to sit let us enjoy our cigars stop mocking the cigars fake cigar smoking i think maybe this was just like was it a demonstration and they were insulted like that i don't know why i'm pretending like i'm gonna figure it out there's i don't think there's anything to figure out um but yeah you know females be tripping okay that's what me and uh glad i edit this now uh having fun what's the guy's name are we having fun yet four yeah females be tripping stop he said he implied it okay this is a review of the hotel colonial kayo coco sure that was the best pronunciation you're getting today.

Noted. This is one star by Simon. January 15th to 29th. Stay in Colonial Hotel. It's nightmare. No worm water. What the fuck? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. First the dead fish in the water now worm water i'm so

stressed out about this water situation yes it's bad it's bad oh by the way this review this hotel i made sure it does sell cigars but this review has nothing to do with that oh i didn't know we could do that i did it okay because was desperate. No shower for two weeks. More than 24 hours without any water. And I'm a worm and I need it. Dry up on the sidewalk. There's plenty of soil, but where's the warm water? In the Havana sun.

That sounds like a good novel. Oh, yeah. I'm going to write it. Please don't. Staff are flyers looking for opportunity to contact guests for tips they do everything not to do anything that's my favorite they do everything not to do anything that sounds like you doing literally everything in order to not have to do anything yeah actually that sounds like me isn't that like working smarter not harder kind of sure

that's not bad is it i didn't say it was not harder kind of? Sure. That's not bad, is it? I didn't say it was bad. Well, Simon doesn't like it. Someone's getting defensive and it's not me. It absolutely is me. Okay, go ahead. Swimming pool with a bar without water. Wait, what?

Sorry, hold on. What is with the... Okay. This guy is... He has a parentheses... It's something in parentheses after this. So maybe that'll explain. Okay.

It will. Swimming pool with a bar without water. Supposed to be salty water from the ocean. Uh-oh. So I don't know if that means, I don't know what that means. But that's his parenthesis. I think the pool. Was supposed to be full of salt water.

Salt water pool and it's empty? There's not enough salt water to go around. Are they just like walking around in the pool? With the like walk-up bar or like swim-up bar, but it becomes a walk-up bar. They tried swimming, but it really hurt. Their tum-tums. Those poor worms.

I know. Telling you they're going to shrivel up in the Havana sun. The resort is dying. It very unsafe for people. One friend fell and fracture a foot my wife fell and my wife and my friend are not the same person for the record just to be clear this seems like a disaster of a vacation oh yeah oh no i hope when when i go to kayokoko i have a better experience i do too seemed lovely um be careful because since you're considering your you know fragile feet and a worm and not the fact that i'm a worm yes a worm with fragile feet that sounds

like a children's book tm tm tm it's like like Richard Scarry, you know, the little lowly, the word. Oh my God. Holy shit. Yeah. That drives around in an Apple car. Yeah. Wow. I think about this like at least once a week. I have not thought about that in too long.

I think about lowly a lot. This is blowing my mind. Yeah. I love him. Mom sent me a text today. I'm jealous. Yeah, I know. You should be.

She sent me a text today. She took a picture of our VHS copy of A Bug's Life back home and said, remember when you were very little, that was your favorite movie. It was. And I told her, yeah, it's on Netflix now. And I watched it like a month ago. You did not. I did.

Jesus. Is that the one with Tim Allen? Remember how I think everything is Tim Allen? Oh my God, wait. I think it does have- Is he the voice of, oh man. Yes, I'm pretty sure. Actually, for the once i remember when i watched it i like went through and was like oh i actually recognize these people now that i'm older like a lot of the actually famous people

yeah okay actually once wait is it hold on now i'm gonna be really embarrassed if it's not true okay you guys it might not be true is he the voice of grasshopper or something alexander i don't think so i think i'm wrong once again oh shit kevin spacey that's why right hopper that makes sense alexander i once again have uh inserted tim allen into a movie that he in which he does not belong there's literally i don't know i don't know oh i know what i'm thinking of i'm thinking of the b movie it's tim i thought that was jerry seinfeld swear to god damn it

and before you say it he's also not in Ants. Shit, that was my next guess. I know it was. Y'all, okay, and don't at me about Toy Story. I know that. That one I know. I just really thought he was an insect. That would have been hilarious. I thought he was an insect.

If everyone's like, Christina, you're thinking of Toy Story. That's not the same. Like, come on, those are not the same. They're not the same as a bug's life. This was probably one of the least interesting tangents we've gone on in a long time. Okay. This is a one-star review of the same cigar factory by Yuma.

So on Sunday, March 8th, 2015, a day before coming back to California, we decided to go into the cigar shop looking for something specific of which we didn't want to buy elsewhere because we wanted original cigars as they were for my son-in-law and I wanted nothing but the best. We purchased a Cohiba box and another box of cigars don't remember the name now. Excited about the tobaccos after getting home, same boxes were forward to him just to know they were not real to the point they don't even turn on i flipped the switch over and i plugged it into the outlet so they sent their son-in-law cigars and the son-in-law goes can't turn them on thanks though yep so therefore they're not real

fake they can't even turn i goog googled turn. As someone who's never smoked or held a cigar or anything. Since you were like five. Now I'm starting to, since I was five on that sled with that strange man. Since then, like now I'm questioning what I know about cigars. Wow, really? Well, I have since reading all of this, because the one guy was like oh yeah open it up and it was just crawling with bugs no like ew you're like i should have checked before i bought it i guess is that tim allen in there oh no that's renee zellweger now i'm just trying to

say names of people that i know i saw on imdb um that's gross uh i guess it is a crop like a plant so it's not that far off i mean a lot most of the one star reviews i read were that they were fake um yes and that people were selling them like on on on the dl and they were fake or whatever um or that they were overpriced because the government regulates the prices and they're like well the government price is this but this person's trying to sell it to me for this. They sneak it. Right. Yeah.

But this one, the fact that they didn't even turn on, I was like, someone should be arrested for this. Yeah, that's too far. If you charge them all up and they don't, none of them turn on, I mean, there's a real problem happening. I can't get my tobacco fix. Yeah. You know what I'm like when I don't get my tobacco fix yeah you know what i'm like when i don't get my tobacco is this like a maybe they bought like the vape version like vape pen oh my gosh sure it explains everything cigar vape classic cigar vapes tm tm tm tm tm tm it's like the cool new thing when teens graduate

from high school yeah instead of smoking a cigar at the pool party they're all gonna get out their vape cigars oh my god the fucking cigar bullshit remember that all the teen boys thought they were so cool if you were a teen boy who did that i'm judging you i was just like horrified me too but i was we were also very sheltered but still i was also horrified at age 18 when i saw a fellow student drinking alcohol so yeah sorry should i put my beer away yeah i don't want to re-traumatize you too late um all right i have a um review of the romeo and juliet cigar factory oh i read about these romeo and jul. Julieta. Yep. I said it the... I'm so glad you did. Americanized way. Thank you. Because I'm yeah. This is by someone named Student.

It's one star. Smell like a burnt nugget. End of review. This is not like the cool strawberry fields vape cigar I got for my graduation. But I do believe this person has a uh has an agenda because they also reviewed the partagas cigar factory oh and gave it one star

saying don't smoke it's bad end of review oh shit oh wow but i did like so this is the second one better when they were very specific about yeah you gotta be specific nugget smell because that could bring people in bring in business people like that smell oh i was gonna say that's a more effective way to get me to not smoke i think that sounds quite unpleasant oh really yeah if they were like smells like dandelions i'd be like like, hell yeah. But, you know. True, true, true. I feel like you've got to hit the right way. I mean, maybe that's student's mom logging in and trying to... Yeah.

It's too late for student, so she's trying to reverse the... Student really likes fresh nuggets and wants to ruin... Yep, this all makes sense. This all makes so much sense now. Let's go with it, everyone. Finally. Okay. Oh, all I have left is a redemption that's okay all i have left is two redemptions so shit okay sorry uh here i go uh this is a five star uh review of the partagas partagas cigar

factory are all three of yours from there yes oh nice i'm just i'm not no no i just like shot daggers at him i was like who wants to know interesting okay this is a fight i by the way i looked at many so my next one is from there too unfortunately well on tripadvisor this one had like thousands of reviews and the other factories had like eight i would google like like best places to buy cigars and that was always the first place that people mentioned. Well, I typed in Partagas Cigar Factory on Google to look if there was a Yelp page, and there was. However, it was for a store in Las Vegas on the strip that stole the name. Yeah. So, didn't really work out for me.

This is a five-star review by Blanca. What a fun activity. Mike loves cigars. We had to come here because Mike read so much about it and the tour and workshop was so fun. In case you come to Havana, make sure you pass by. Mike and I loved it. End of review. I love Mike too. I mean, you got got it i think that's enough that'll get me going yeah i'm ready yeah that and knowing now that romeo and juliette smells like burnt nuggets like there's no question where i would go yep i'm in i have a new vice so um aldous has a little bit of a five-star warning uh-oh of uh so i don't know. You might want to go there now,

but let's see if this warning says anything different. Be ready that everybody will gonna sell you cigars. End of review warning. Oh my God, I'm ready. I'm not ready.

Alexander, you're right. I'm not ready. You can't handle that. I'm not ready. I'm not ready alexander you're right i'm not ready you can't handle that i'm not ready i'm not ready i'm not ready socially speaking i'm not ready i mean okay but there's so many reviews of random places about bartering and everything and that's how it was in indonesia a lot of the times i don't like that oh no i'm like just take my money if it's i'm like i you tell me it's 10 times what it actually is i will still just pay that because i cannot barter i would rather pay the extra money knowing it than like actually try to talk my way out of it like i'm so stupidly bad at negotiating it makes me so anxious and yeah i felt like such a like especially on the phone i was on the phone earlier and this guy was like,

I'm just going to ask a few questions about the service. And then by the end, I had literally given him my entire credit card. I mean, okay. Christina. To be clear. That was a test. I failed. I had a friend of mine call.

Well, they said they were from a cigar factory. Yes. And I really wanted to invest. This was a good opportunity to get in at the ground floor. Anyway, so the service ended up getting your credit card. Yeah, and the last four digits of my social. And then I hung up and I went, that's weird. I shouldn't be announcing this because I was going to try to steal my shit.

But I immediately like... Her number is 513. I immediately like Google. I was like, wait a second. Who did I just give my credit card and social to? And then I... Because I was like, their email signature is a little wonky. And like they're using a weird font.

And like I never really confirmed... Comic Sans? Was it dad all along? It was... it was a dad all along it was it was no it was um it was in wingding so like i hadn't translated it i wanted to make sure i knew what they were saying and then i went onto their website and it was like super sketchy and i was like what the actual hell and then i ended up calling the person they said they were like referred to me by and um like it was they were like yeah that's that's him like it's fine but uh for some reason i was like why did i just it's like my brain shut

off and i went sure hello friendly man asked me for all of these things and i'm too polite to say no so here is all my life information and um yeah so that happened but we're good guys i looked i checked i uh i'm reading gone girl right now oh i like that and i'm only like 50 pages in but i just read last night a part where the sister accuses her brother and i forget the exact quote but basically saying that he would like lie cheat and steal and even kill in order for people to like think he's a nice guy yeah yeah it sounds about right yeah it's that idea of like you do everything you can to make people like you yeah and not think negatively of you including give you give them your social social security

number do you know alexander do you know the worst part there was at the end how can this get worse it does there was this part so i had a bunch of questions right because i was like i'm just gonna call and ask questions or i have questions to ask by the way i have intense phone anxiety so this was already a bad situation and so i was like i have all these questions and then literally as he was like okay we're all set here and i was like i have these questions but then i was like oh but like if this is a scam or something he's not gonna know the answers and like i don't want to get into a weird like thing where he's faking the answers it's too much i don't want to make him that uncomfortable and then i hung up and i went wait a second really told me okay i know this is so fun for everyone because it's so general but

can we put elevator music while you tell me specifics of what the fuck this is yeah um so after hearing her story um she doesn't seem any smarter but i get but now there's context so i'm like okay it wasn't like a random like hmm it was like part of my it was relevant to her life it wasn't at first when you told me about it like or before you told me about it i was like just someone like cold called her and like she ended up giving them her credit. So there was reason and context, but still super sketchy. Like I was seeking a service. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

But I'm just really, just please don't, please don't try and steal my money. Please. It's too easy. It's too easy. It's not fun for you. It'll probably work, so don't do it. Okay, I've got one more. This is of that same hotel, Hotel Colonial Cayo Coco.

I really was hoping... Without the worm water. Right, without the worm. That's what I invested earlier, because you said your friend called, you know, and I... He really expressed a need for worm water, so I gave him all my information, including my social. This, again, has nothing to do with cigars. Great. But it's a five-star redemption by Claudine.

When we first got there, our experience was pretty deceiving. I got rain on when I was on the toilet in our room. Wait, that's where the warm water went. The warm water, oh no. It's coming from the ceiling. Oh no, they thought Claudine was the worm. They were like, it's a prunular system. Oh, no.

In no time, they change us room. We meet with Mr. Tito. Oh, no. I love Mr. Tito, by the way. You know what happens when Mr. Tito comes into the picture. We meet with Mr. Tito, one of the big manager of the resort. Problem solved in no time. Food was not as we are used to here in Canada, yet you can always find something to fill your hunger with.

The service at the Placita Bar was really amazing. Always friendly, pleasing staff. They served you exactly what you wanted and needed. Oh, that's good. Wow. What a novel idea. Maybe they're not used to that in canada who knows yeah i guess i've heard canada doesn't really um pretty lawless pretty lawless and the best of the best service

was from our two bell boys dda what like dad's old company oh shit like dd i just said it like dad's i have no fucking clue how do you pronounce that outside yeah like we say that dda because that's how dad said it but that's sure not right like in the rest of the world's context but i'm gonna say it that way okay dda and danny by the way any and is actually just the letter n so if i do that that's why that's extremely important i'm glad you shared that with me i'm trying to be very true to this author. True to the author. God, Claudine. Yeah.

Claudine. Those two guys was the best of the best. Well, besides Tito. That's true. Made me feel not only appreciated, but important, safe, and most of all, made darn sure we were always pleased and have all what we needed. made darn sure we were always pleased and have all what we needed. My vacation would not have been so awesome if it was not for those two awesome bellboy.

They sure take their job at heart 120%. And yes, I will for sure- Yes! I heard it that time. I'm sorry, I was waiting for it. I've been like going in and out of actually doing it. And yes, I will for sure go back again and all thank to those two bellboy that keep me and my husband fully pleased and happy thank you so much dda and danny we will never forget you guys end of review what did they do they wow they pleased them please the canadian very happy oh my god it was very vague but apparently they're good at their job so 120 agree this sounds like an awesome place to be if you're not a worm if you're not a

worm truth warm water is my fate warm water is i don't know why i don't know why either remember the one review of a hotel where the worms were falling from the ceiling like somehow there's just like always worms and those worms they were like little worms there were worms but then there was another one where cockroaches were also falling from the ceiling oh sure that was your recent that was a recent one but back then there were worms at one point i read one that was like little worms kept falling like our like carolinas or something yes that was the resorts i think in south carolina oh boy kept falling. Was that in like the Carolinas or something? Yes, that was a resort, I think, in South Carolina. Oh, boy. Oh,

my God. Well, that's all I've got for Cuba. That was great, Alexander. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. Challenge time? Challenge time. Okay. So, my challenge was to find reviews of products requiring assembly where the reviewer admittedly did not read the instructions. Excited about this.

And this challenge came from The Six, Toronto. What is that? That's fucking like... Is that their area code? Probably. That's like a fucking Drake thing. Oh. That explains why I don't know what it is.

That's a nickname for Toronto. Like the 808? Yep, exactly. Okay. Sure. My first one. Oh, yeah, he's Canadian. Yes, he's from Toronto.

Oh, I just remembered. He's from the Six. Got it. So, first I'm actually going to read two reviews sent in by a couple listeners. Oh. So... How come y'all are helping Alexander with his challenge? Because they know I need help.

Like, come on. Okay, I need help, too. I'm always in need of help. So, they look at me and go, oh, she's fine. She's got it covered. Yep. Giving her social security number away. Okay.

Okay, going forward now, they'll help you more. Because that was a fucking mess. So, I'm trying to really gain like um some pity some sympathy points with you guys yes yes it's working well we'll see i'll check my inbox for my next challenge okay so here is uh avery and rory i'm not sure if i said that right r-u-a-r-i here's what they have to say let's see oh my husband and i did our best to assist you in this week's challenge. A surprising amount of people seem to

read instructions. Very true. I never read the instructions. I'm so bad. A lot of ones I found were like, oh, I read the instructions. It's like, loser. Right? And I'm like, in my relationship I'm the one who builds all the furniture and boxes, I guess. But I never

read the goddamn instructions. And so Blaze gets so mad. But then I'm like, well, you want a bookcase or not? It might be upside down, but that does not matter. Then they continue to say, I found an entertaining string of reviews of an Amazon patio umbrella. I regret that I lost the link to the actual product. Thank you for providing endless entertainment. Well, lucky for you, I found the actual link.

Oh, good. To the product. I hope it's not the same as that. I got a flashback to that patio chair where that woman got her head stuck in the patio chair and like passed out. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Talk about not reading the instructions.

Okay. She got her head stuck in the hole, remember? Yeah, that was so bad. And then provided pictures. So what they had sent me was some answers to a question, but the question wasn't included. So I found the question. And this is what the question was. Where are the assembly instructions? The slip says go to, and then they provide a link for assembly, but that just takes me to Amazon. And here are some of the responses. Uh oh. Lori says, what assembly are you trying to do?

I just took mine out of the package, put the pole with the umbrella into the other pole. That's it. Then you use the crank put the pole with the umbrella into the other pole that's it then you use the crank to open or close the umbrella end of response not all of us are handy people uh leila says frankly i'm not sure there were any instructions if the umbrella arrived complete it was pretty straightforward to put the two pieces together. I'm no handyman, but I didn't need assembly instructions. They're just fucking going off on her. Someone, Lynn says, the instructions were in the box. Lynn.

Maybe for you. I don't know. Yeah, it was probably just a picture of the umbrella. Nancy, this is the last one I'll read. Nancy says, we just put it together. Didn't really bother with instructions oh badass i wonder how many of these people actually think they're being helpful that's what i don't get is like why are you actually being very rude yeah why are you even

answering this question that's not an answer to that question that's so funny it's an answer to the question to say i put the two pieces together okay that's slightly helpful but to be like i don't bother with it okay nancy no one asked you i'm no annie man but i don't need instructions like okay good for you okay thank you thank you avery and rory here is an email from olivia olivia says hi beach to zandy oh i've been shopping for office chairs since i started working from home, and I stumbled upon this questionable review last week. I thought it was close enough fit for this week's challenge. Okay, Harvey says, one star, titled, Not a Happy Camper.

Just received this chair. Guess what? No instructions. The Chinese forgot to include it. Oh, for God's sake. Now i have to spend time calling flash furniture and hope they have a copy not a happy camper sorry i found them taped to the bottom of the seat no sorry no no no and they left it at one star what a dick yeah it was taped to the bottom so they added that edit later.

Sorry, sorry. And then... Do you know what that's like? That's like when someone's shoving through a crowd and elbowing everyone in the nose and being like, Sorry, sorry. I'm just going to destroy everyone's well wishes and happy feelings. If I hurt you, I'm sorry. Right.

No offense. But... That's not what I was trying to do when I elbowed you in the face. I was just trying to get to where I needed to go my patio furniture and then olivia finishes the email off with not sure why it's still a one-star review and christine so sorry for the headache oh i don't like that at all i mean i'm glad that he fucking got over himself for a second but um yeah really did a disservice to the world. Also, special shout out to Max, who I forgot to mention.

This is from Olivia and Max. Oh, well. So, Max, you get an extra special shout out. All right, Max, we'll include you. More special than Olivia's. Thank you both. All right, then it was up to me after reading this. Oh, it's so hard.

It was so difficult. Here is a review. Is a review by Christine of all the furniture in our house. The time that she got her head stuck in, was that a dresser? Yeah, that actually happened. Yeah, I know. Do you know why? You literally called me to come take a look at your head stuck in a dresser, and Blaze

was so mad. Because no one was going to believe me. Because Blaze wouldn't take a picture. I was like, you have to take a picture. Yeah, because he was like, can we please just not do this right now and he had to unscrew the plank to get my head out the problem the problem was i don't think you know what a plank is he unscrewed yep yep so uh the problem was he was he decided he knew how to build furniture all of a sudden i was like go for it he got the instructions he put the entire drawer on

backwards so like you could see the plywood and i was like that's not what it's supposed to look like and he's like yes it is he's like how does it look here let me show you and then you stuck your head i literally said no no it goes here and i put my head in and with a flashlight on my phone and all of a sudden i couldn't get out and he was already so mad at me because i was like correcting how he built furniture and he's like just take your head out and i was like screaming i can't and then he was pulling on my shoulders and then you so you basically both ended up being in the wrong one way or another i mean i ended up being right because the plywood isn't supposed to show on your dresser so he was wrong about that and you were wrong about the way you stuck your fucking head in the dresser. I thought I was being, you know, fun.

Nope, don't. I don't know. Okay. Well, here is a review of the Roleplay 24-volt Wave Catcher electric scooter for kids, lithium battery, 10 miles per hour from Walmart.com. 10 miles, this seems dangerous. BA says this, one star. Purchase this for my son as a christmas gift well a late gift

i didn't read instructions just assembled the exterior and connected the scooter to the charging port saw that the light turned green decided to do a little test and it didn't work then from there read instructions and saw that a electric power source needed to be connected. Did that test... You know what? Fucking Walmart reviews apparently have terrible grammar or lack thereof. This is a new kind of headache I'm experiencing. And saw that an electric power source needed to be connected. Did that, did the test again, and still nothing,

so I'll be returning this product. End of review. There were other reviews saying, if it's not working, please read the instructions and do it properly, because there is a specific way you need to do it to charge it so that it works. So of course, BA does it wrong. And then later is like, oh, I guess I should have read the instructions. Reads the instructions, does it, but it's still not working. Maybe because you fucked up in the first place

and didn't read the instructions to begin with, and then left one star. BA. Barbara Ann, can I call you that? You probably are spot on with that. Thank you. You know, I don't say this often, but when it comes to electrical products,

electronics specifically, you must read the instructions. Why wouldn't you? I just don't say this often, but when it comes to electrical products, electronics specifically, you must read the instructions. Why wouldn't you? I just don't understand. At this point, like if it's wood, okay. Like, I'm going to guess. But with wiring and battery power. It's a $130 scooter, so like, you're spending some money on this.

And you want that kid to go flying down a hill, right? Yeah, you want, well you want like think of the safety on christmas day fucking a yeah that's true wait yeah your child's gonna be flying around on this thing and you're like i didn't feel like reading the instructions okay so my next one is of um the austin 30 inch bar stool various colors. This is an anonymous review, five stars, titled, I would recommend these stools to family and friends. Love these stools. We just bought a new house that has an eat-in island.

I wanted something different. So I ordered the blue seats on the stools. Oh, going crazy. How fun is this? They match perfectly with the paint and the flex in the granite. They were easy to assemble. I suggest reading the instructions all the way through before you begin. If you do, everything fits perfectly.

I had to assemble one stool twice because I didn't read instructions completely first. End of review. Chuckle, chuckle. At least it matched the flex in the granite it counts for something that is i mean who was this it does anonymous anonymous your house sounds lovely and i would love to eat in your eden island i mean that's a lot of eats i'm not gonna sit in the stool because it sounds like he didn't really put it together i would not trust properly but i'm gonna stand next to it and admire it and it's blue beauty. Counts for something. My next one is of the Ground EFX MX200E Digital GPS Metal Detector.

I love metal detectors. More electronics. This is a review by Michelle. Four stars, titled, Something New and Fun for My Family to Do Outside. Haven't had this metal detector for very long, so I'm still very unfamiliar. I would not suggest this for beginners, only because I feel that the features might be understood better by those who have used detectors before. I had it out a couple times and still haven't figured it out. Of course, that's probably because I didn't read the instructions well enough. It's going to take some getting used to.

At least it is getting my daughter and I out of the house, which was really my whole purpose for purchasing this. End of review. She's just like, beep, beep, look, it's working! Beep, beep! That's just one of those, it doesn't technically mention assembly, but I was like, that still counts. Well, you don't really, yeah, that's true. And this next one it doesn't technically mention assembly but i was like touching still counts well you don't yeah that's true that's true and this next one also doesn't mention assembly but i liked it great this is a question and answer on amazon of uh trico folly boost hair growth serum two ounces improve hair density thickness fullness safely and gently stimulates hair follicles oh my this question was asked by anonymous can i use on eyebrows and eyelashes oh and here is the answer from

liliana i don't know i didn't read the instructions and i just used and a review and look how luscious my hair is by the way now that we're talking why would you even answer that question why that's the amazon it's it's like the fucking yelp forums yeah has those similar shitty questions people ask but i do know why they answer the amazon ones because sometimes they because they get like okay when they when you buy a product and someone asks a question amazon emails all the people who bought it and says true that's true can you answer a question that's true it does can you answer a question about so-and-so hair and you're like oh maybe and you click on it you're like hmm i'm not sure i guess i can should i no should i

right that's the second question maybe amazon should change the subject should you answer this question probably not if you say yes then they like ask a follow-up question like are you really sure there's like an amazon gauntlet you have to go um wow yeah okay interesting okay also don't put it in your eyes i'm sorry that's a sounds like a tip. Eyelashes especially. I was going to say eyebrows, whatever. But eyelashes, that's literally your eyeballs. Stop it. Okay, I'm going to, I'm totally ignorant on this subject. But I feel like eyelashes grow very differently than eyebrows and your hair.

Well, there are products to help grow, facilitate eyelash growth. Okay. There are hair follicles. Like they're, they grow like hair. I just don't, oh, they do? Okay. I mean, I'm sure it's different, but they have like follicles. And so there are products toicles like they're okay they grow like hair oh they do i mean i'm sure it's different but they have like follicles and so there are products like help why don't i ever have to cut them because they fall out they oh they do do they yeah they fall yeah they do

and then they regrow and yada yada but some people i guess that makes sense by products to like facilitate the growth but not you don't put serums in your eyeball i'm sorry don't do that yeah probably not shouldn't um and i'm sorry everyone that i asked why i don't have serums in your eyeball. I'm sorry. Don't do that. Yeah, probably not. Shouldn't. And I'm sorry, everyone, that I asked why I don't have to cut my eyelashes. The thought of that just made me actually physically revolted. Like, I don't like that you said that. I just like, I don't know. My hair grows so freaking fast. And I'm like, my eyelashes don't grow.

I didn't read the instructions, even. My hair just grows like this. I'm going to stop talking about my eyelashes. Yeah, please stop. I'm just getting worked up okay so here is my final one this is of uh the stamina in motion manual treadmill pewter gray black oh my okay so if you don't know what to picture it's one of those treadmills that isn't actually like an electric like it's not running you make it move by walking like the one ed begley used to like power his home his eggs okay yeah in that tv show that time damn that show yeah whatever was that like hgtv or some

shit or pps probably i don't know what pbs i think it's a pps i might have more like PBS I'm not going to say who it is because that's a bit of a spoiler but this is a five star review of the stamina in motion manual treadmill is it fucking Ed Begley I wish

titled considering price this is a great little treadmill this is just the final cherry on top of everything. Here we go. The reviews seemed to be confusing regarding the Stamina InMotion Manual Treadmill, but I bought it anyway since I figured I could work out the problems mentioned. It arrived the next day and was extremely well packaged in a very strong cardboard box.

If that box had been deeper and longer, I'd keep it to use for my casket and save my family and the U.S. government a few bucks. Anyway, since I'm blind, I didn't read the instructions and my nine-year-old son wasn't patient enough to read them either. Hey, what a rude little kid.

Dad, it says, like, there's no instructions. Don't worry about it. Bye. I'm going to go plan my new scooter that goes 10 miles per hour. That you assemble for me. With no instructions. With no instructions. Surprisingly, we figured everything out and had it fully assembled and running within about 10 minutes.

I had no problems with anything at all. Using some graphite powder that I keep handy, I liberally looped the plate that the belt rides on. I did not put any on the rollers to avoid slippage. After a few steps, the belt went from jerky to reasonably smooth. Certainly smooth enough, an operation to use properly. The belt will surely relax and stretch a bit with use, so I believe it will only become smoother. My son says the electronic panel works. It took two AAA batteries. I am 225 pounds, and this is a very sturdy unit for its size and length. I will never try to run on it, but then I hate running anyway, so that's a non-issue. The incline does require me to use the handles, but that's why they're there, right?

That incline simply makes the workout more efficient and allows the belt to turn more evenly and with less resistance. It's easy to fold up and move too. For the price of around 100 bucks, this is a very good product. If you're looking for a basic device and want to primarily walk on it, I think this is a great buy. If I have problems down the road, I'll update this review. End of review. Wow. Yep, a solid review from from blind dad oh okay i see i was like sporty sports spice i can't figure it out um oh that's that's good yeah okay i i didn't get it at first when he said i'm not gonna run on it but he means he walks on yeah he just walks on it i thought he was just like not gonna use it it's gonna sit there just gonna sit there i don't know but um

okay that makes more sense oh they did provide an update but it was just nothing it was nothing negative still walking it was basically still walking should have lubed it up a little differently not in my casket my homemade casket yet i guess um wow well that was touching i mean i'm glad that um we're on a uh an up and up at the end of this yeah i wanted to end it on a good note it's very rare that that happens when i'm at the end so i'm glad that's very true glad that you took over for me you're welcome okay so um you're our theme our theme for next week because so many people have requested this and um i'm taking us back to the united states uh buffalo wings the United States, Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, New York. Perfect.

I'm only doing Buffalo Wild Wings to really get that authentic experience. So that is one that I, I mean, I searched the inbox and like 11 people have requested it plus more on social media. So we're just going to go with it. Love it. No, I actually love that one. Okay. That's going to be fun.

My challenge is from M. Okay. everyone i need help not like my m right no it's just the letter m is how they signed it so um find a review where someone mentions being lost or left behind on a field trip oh no i'm hoping like some like no solid gettysburg oh no bullshit where someone got left behind oh no okay folks help me out here will you i i mean i think i'll find some fun ones but um oh my goodness okay i'm already excited for places to look also one quick thing before we go um someone emailed us this morning rebecca and said hi guys i recently discovered your podcast parentheses as a recommendation on the knitting subreddit no how cool is that whoa we're getting in the big leagues we're getting out there holy shit that's amazing i

think other people have heard about us on a lot of those tales from retail or like fuck you karen like those kinds of subreddits which is exciting and we're very happy about that this morning someone tagged us in a post on instagram i didn't see it well because my animals woke me up at 4 45 and i i saw this like uh this comment about us and it was so kind and this woman wrote like this really long thing saying she was looking for a new podcast to listen to while she worked out. And she was like, I almost fell off the treadmill like three times in the first five minutes. And my husband came down to tell me to shut up. Parentheses.

Although he would never say that to me. And then it was like, and he came down and I made him listen to the segment I was laughing at. So that guy probably hates our podcast. That's so sweet. But she liked it. And so I commented, but I forget the account. So anyway, it's very thoughtful and kind when you guys talk about us. We appreciate it very much.

And we see it and we adore it. And obviously it works because people come from the knitting subreddit to listen to us. I'm like really. Oh, I found it. Jill. Thanks, Jill. Jill. Yes.

From Canada. Ooh. Anyway. So that just made. I don found it. Jill. Thanks, Jill. Jill, yes, from Canada. Ooh. Anyway, so that just, I don't know, maybe. Onario? Oh, I responded 12 hours ago, which means it was 5.06 a.m. And she responded, la, la, la, loving it. Need a disclaimer for listening while operating heavy machinery, though. Hashtag just saying.

That's good. Oh, my God, sorry. This is like a whole thing now. for listening while operating heavy machinery though hashtag just saying oh my god sorry this is like a whole thing now and then this other person um commented i'm always on the hunt for new podcasts thanks for the recommendation and uh jill was like yeah go listen we have similar humor and then like literally within the night within that hour this other woman responded baron of cream i'm dying oh good oh my god okay that makes me so happy i didn't even know there were all these comments wow anyway so that just made my home morning jill just doubled our base apparently seriously there's like 12 comments on here holy shit

wow okay i'm so happy you guys make me so happy yeah thanks for making us happy guys and obviously we'll talk about you if you talk about us we're gonna gossip all about you behind your backs anyway thanks for listening everyone thanks for supporting us in every way that you do uh we've got uh youtube live coming this friday for patreon for patreon's own patrons only so check us out on patreon at patreon.com slash beach to sandy for just two dollars a month you can join us on these youtube lives and ask us questions yeah how amazing of a deal is that it's not like we don't tell you enough personal information about ourselves on this show true um thank you for listening thanks for listening see some of you on friday

can't wait next Only the special ones. And forever. And always. Bye.