Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this episode isn't for you. Because the lit fairy godmothers Malex and Mristine are judging you. But don't worry, Malex gets what's coming to him when he embarrasses himself by being unable to say "early bird menu" properly. So at least listen to that struggle. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. All right, ready, fired up. Yeah, because we got some exciting news we have new merch and dice online it's amazing it's i'm so excited yeah like it was designed by professionals and it has inside jokes what are you implying about my design skills excuse me implying that they are very unprofessional. Okay, true.

No, we have new designs and they're super cool. We have a new, we're working with DFTBA, who's like a company that I love that represents a lot of other podcasts I listen to. We have a pin that says lunatic left wing liberal loser. And it's like on a like a coffee cup. So it looks kind of like we're at Starbucks as you know, your average quadruple L's. And there's a Baron of Cream shirt that has like a donut kind of design on it. Donut crown.

Donut crown, yeah. And then there's a sticker, like a decal, which people have wanted forever for their laptops, water bottles. I'm so excited. And we have some more designs that are going to be coming out soon. Yes. Oh my God, I'm so amped. So excited. So if you want to go check out our new merch store, go to bit.ly slash beach2sandimerch.

Yay! All lowercase. Yeah. I'm so excited. So pumped. Our other news is that we did pick a winner for the Animal Crossing contest. And not just that. We picked two A winners.

We picked two winners. We ended up picking two winners. So we have two more friends on animal crossing on nanner bay and lemon land yeah so we gave them we got them their copies of their uh of the game and they are going to visit us any day now i've been working very hard to manicure my lawn i have not so i'm embarrassed um but we are we're gonna schedule something with them and hopefully get a nice cute picture of all of us. And hopefully get lots of good presents. Yeah, well, okay.

If you guys don't have something other than cherries and peaches, I'm picking a new winner. I'm taking your prize away. Just kidding. Okay, well, today's topic was, what's the theme? Bowling alleys in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. That's right. And what was your challenge? Because I already forget. The challenge from Aaliyah was to find reviews talking about how an at-table cooking experience

went wrong. Oh, yeah. Benihana's baby. I ran the gamut, so to speak, of reviews. Well, do you want me to start? Because I have a redemption. Yeah, go for it. I mean, not to start with, but at the end.

Let's hear it. Okay, so the first place I went was Lucky Strike, which I think is a chain in many cities. Those are those like kind of nicer bowling outlets, right? They're like, oh yeah. Well, they have a dress code, which became a problem for a lot of people. Okay. That's weird. It is very weird.

It is. It has like a lounge feel, like a bar. Anyway, it has terrible reviews. So sorry. So this is a one star review by chris also i want to add to these are a bridge because for some reason all of the freaking bowling alley reviews were like pages i was gonna say the same thing i was going to mention that people are so passionate about bowling alleys it's insane i mean like they're so long and so i i abridged these and by that i mean i just took out like

paragraphs that were you know not relevant or kind of boring that would redeem these people no talking about how great they are definitely not so this is a one-star review by chris there are a couple good things about lucky strikes and there are a lot of bad things let me start with the good one One, the couches are awesome. Two, the decor is inviting. Three, the bowling looked fun. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I think we're hinting at something he didn't get to do. Now the bad. One, our reservation was for 11 p.m. They didn't even open to the public until 11 30 we were not able to book a lane until at least 1 a.m whatever we were more interested in the drinks two drinks

were subpar and way overpriced six dollars for a light beer fuck you four dollars for a club soda with no liquor fuck your mom too jeez okay you were right about passionate about bowling alleys that's exactly right three the clientele was super douchey what is this the prom this place is crap end of review okay i think someone had a bad experience at prom i think someone putting that out there didn't go to prom and got it really confused with another field trip they went on. Because they don't really get the connection. Who goes to Lucky Strike Bowling for the drinks and then complains about the prices? What do you expect?

A lot of people said they went there while bar popping, which I thought was strange. But I will say like in a big city like Philadelphia, I feel like if someone places charging six bucks for a bud light like yeah it's really expensive but i don't think it's like you know fuck your mom worthy you know i mean damn i would i would tend to agree but i don't know what do i know then again we don't think anything is that worthy so probably not no all right your turn we did get a review that said that but what we did it took you you're just like sitting there like it took me my it's so hot in here my brain is taking a while yeah um if they really did say that about dr mom i'm not going to be pleased doctor and dr mom will not be pleased either i also though i googled myself yesterday okay hold

up so i'm googled themselves yesterday and i was like oh i wonder what happens if you google me so i googled myself and it literally said christine she for mom christine she for a dog christine she for cat i was like okay when where's brother you know brothers are usually in there but uh it wasn't no okay guys new assignment people are looking for you probably not like oh yeah they know my name already yeah anything it would be alex schieffer sister i'm gonna type in out have you ever done that no and i am uncomfortable already i'm nervous alex she for age alex she for books alex she for coronavirus okay wait wait wait those are the three only ones. Okay. Okay, so the first one, the age thing, I don't think that's about me. Like, what? No, people always want to know our ages.

Why? It's a weird thing. I don't know. They don't know I'm 38? Yo, I Google... They do now. I Google everyone's ages. I'm never telling.

I'm never telling. So people will always Google it, so I will always remain relevant. Okay, so those, I found out, those actually actually the mom dog cat were definitely like the related searches. But if you do autofill, it says, Christine Schieffer husband wedding podcast, M Schultz brother age, lemon YouTube birthday. Okay, I hate that lemons in there. What's my auto autofill? This is so boring for everyone but us. Podcast. That's it yeah you know what that's my thing right now that's okay and age oh alexander schieffer and that's why we drink jesus christ okay i'm done i hate this alexander schieffer atwwd guys please google me more and alexander schieffer instagram there oh there we go okay my first review comes from eerie

lanes one star from soraya wait can we talk about how it said alex schieffer coronavirus no i like it hit me i don't want to know i don't either okay soraya gave eerie lanes one star the guy at the desk just now december 9th 2018 10 30 1030 AM, was very rude. First of all, he didn't even address me. He just kept looking at me, then looking away. So when I finally said something, he just looked at me, mumbled something. So when I said back, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear what you said. He then rolled his eyes and said, I didn't even hear what you said. So I repeated myself. The whole time he just kept rolling his eyes as he spoke

to me and had a very visible attitude. He needs to take a course in how to gain customer service skills. End of review. What? Isn't that the most bizarre interaction? I'm picturing that this person has a giant mask on or something. Like, I'm like, how else could this possibly...

With, like, googly eyes that are rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. Like, how else could this happen? I don't know. It just doesn't make much sense. But there was also, like, there was nothing of substance that was said by either of them that was revealed to us. Thank God we know that it happened at 10.31 p.m. or whatever. A.M.

This was a morning. Neither of them had their coffee. Am I right? Well, thank God we know that because I feel like there's not any detail or clarification except the exact minute down to the second. Maybe it was because I read this late last night. I was cracking up because I'm like, this is the most bizarre interaction because there's no interaction, but they're trying to describe it, but there's nothing to describe.

I feel like when it's like when I first started trying to be like a TV writer or screenwriter and I would write a script and it would be like, Dave, what are you doing? Sorry. Like, Anna, I didn't hear you. Dave, what was that? It like, it was like fill pages. It's like, why are they having this conversation? I can't, I can't put in all the terrible things I said.

So let me just make something up. Oh yeah. Let's pretend that neither of us hurt each other. And I was wearing a big mask at 10 30 in the morning. Okay. Um, I'm still at lucky strike. So this is a one-star view by Casey. This place is not high endend like it claims to be the furniture kept moving around on its own while we were bowling oh it was annoying end of review that shouldn't be your reaction you should be terrified you're inside the acclaimed disney

film beauty and the beast oh my. The big candle is dancing. Do not stop it with that. I don't know what this means. Because I thought, you know, if you said, oh, while we were sitting in it, it was shifting around or something. Sure. But they were like, while we were bowling, the furniture kept moving on its own. They barely specifically said that it was doing it on its own while they were bowling. Maybe.

I just picture someone behind them like switching the seats or with a string like pulling at it while they weren't looking and they look over and go nose for ah too when they finally see it's a guy in a mask yeah well i'm going north to north bowl oh so one star review by rosa i just called today sunday january 5th 2020 8 p.m why i know i don't know how i found two of my favorite kinds of reviews one after the other the female who answered was rude i told her i can call tomorrow during business hours to get my questions answered since she sounds annoyed and busy she replied that's fine so i guess my party of 30 plus will find another bowling alley to go to it's their loss me and all my 29 friends are never coming by i don't think it's their loss it's

really not i'm sure she heard that and went thank christ yeah go to lucky strike but it's just another one of those interactions where it's like what the hell that she was like oh she sounded annoyed so they're projecting or making assumptions and busy so maybe she was busy and then said that's fine when they said oh i can call tomorrow and then they said that's fine and instead of saying okay i'll call tomorrow they said well you're not getting my business if that's fine to be begged they wanted to be begged for their love don't talk to me and my 29 friends ever again um okay i have a one-star review of lucky strike by kara okay where do i begin the good the cheese fries with seasoned ground beef are yummy so are the fried macaroni thingies. The bad.

Our waiter, we'll call him Moshua, was not the- Oh my, I hate this. I don't think we've ever had this before. I don't think so either. If anything, people give way too many details, not- Right. Kind of try to hide someone's name. We'll call him Moshua, was not the friendliest, but whatever.

Maybe he was tripping off of the fact that Lucky Strike is a high-class bowling alley. Moshua brought our food and drinks and then disappeared for a while. Then Moshua came over to see if we needed anything else, and I ordered a dessert for my friend so he could sing happy birthday to her. I also asked Joshua, wait, who's Joshua? They said Joshua? Oh my god i was thinking if she says moshua one more time i'm gonna scream you're in joshua i gotta yeah lucky me i also asked joshua

must be someone else at the boiling i also asked joshua he would please sing he said no i bet mashua would sing you fucking asked the wrong guy okay this is ridiculous this is too much people how entitled leave your servers alone it's so sad they already have a hard job they don't want to sing that sounds miserable having people say hey can you sing to me? What do you say to that? Well, no. But you know that they're going to be dicks about it if you say no. Because the only person that asks that is going to be a dick about it when you do say no.

In a job that is reliant on tips, it's like you're not a monkey. You can't like a trained monkey. Leave him alone. Okay. He said no. So i asked him if he would sing he said no and then he didn't even bring us the dessert he had someone else bring it oh mashua probably oh yeah of course um end of review well so there's that there is that guys don't do that what the heck what if he was like sure and then just like uh like by himself stood there in the bowling alley poor moshu just sing for yourselves you don't need him you have a whole group you don't need to be serenaded okay i'm staying up north at north bowl great this is a one-star review by Elena. We'll never go back.

No parking. 30 to 45 minute wait on boiling. No straws. They have a homemade sangria that's out of the fridge and no top. I personally didn't like the calamari. End of review. Oh my god. I'm exhausted.

I feel like my brain was dragged in like 16 different directions. Yeah. The caps thing was a whole another adventure. Oh my god. Was it all in caps? No. That's why I said we'll never go back. And then I started screaming because the middle part was in caps. But then the I personally

was in caps and then didn't like the calamari was all lowercase. Right. She wanted to know personally that that this was a very personal issue i wonder if it was some sort of text to speech that went wrong and they had to like then edit it i mean it does say boiling instead of bowling so that's kind of a tough one though yeah but the things people write one star reviews about i love how they said i personally didn't like the calamari like okay you know what that means one star what that everyone else liked it except her and they were like stop trying to

give one star we like the goddamn calamari you're gonna get us in trouble and she's like fine i'll make it very clear that's something that i'm proud to say i never did order calamari at a bowling alley wow you deserve i'm gonna make you a trophy a medal i know i probably insulted plenty of people out there but a gold medal i mean you got to be a little self-aware about sometimes you just got to make the right decision to be fair philadelphia is closer to the water than ohio you're right i growing up i did eat plenty of seafood in ohio i think the worst place I ever ordered seafood or like bought seafood was at a CVS. Oh, yeah. I would get like Walgreens sushi all the time.

Or like a gas station or something. Yeah. Walgreens. Yeah. That was definitely questionable, I'm sure. But it did have, they literally had a sushi chef at the Walgreens. Okay, that's true. I thought that maybe this was a dream I was inventing.

This was in LA, but yeah. Oh, okay. Because I think in Cincinnati I bought it at like a... I don't think they had a sushi chef at the CVS at Walgreens. That's what I'm saying. Or a CVS in Cincinnati. Even more questionable. Yeah.

I think it was a gas station that I'm thinking of. Much worse, yeah. Yikes. Okay. My turn? Yep. This is another review of Lucky Strike. This is a one-star review by Joseph.

A bowling alley with a dress code? Bowling is a blue-collar game. If the snobs want to bowl, that's fine. But don't come into our world and impose your rules on us. The Mr. Slates are taking over and kicking us fred flintstones out kind of review okay i was like mr slate oh this is a very dated reference yeah the boss yeah i had to google it uh i had to google it but yeah so mr slate is even when they said the fred flintstones you still had to google it no i oh yeah i still didn't know who

mr slate was i don't remember that guy i mean i recognized him when had to google it no i oh yeah i still didn't know who mr slate was i don't remember that guy i mean i recognized him when i googled it um i will say though like do you think this guy went there in his like phil bowling bowling outfit with like phil embroidered and his personal bag and walked in and saw like all these you know prom dates or whatever the that happens there eating calamari and he was like calamari that's a good point your mom or whatever yeah well the thing is like there were so many bowling alleys in the area there were a lot don't why would you go to the one that's known for being that but i wonder if he went or maybe he didn't yeah i wonder if he just is like i've heard this

place is taking over and they make you wear. Somebody literally wouldn't, they wouldn't let him in because he was wearing a plain white t-shirt and they were like, this doesn't meet our standards. Oh, that's, that's pretty dumb. Like this is a. What the heck? Okay. That's too much.

Bowling alley. You have to wear other people's shoes all day. It's not like that fancy. Oh my God. But it's funny that he's like, it's a blue collar game. I feel like bowling is just a bowling. Like for anyone. Bowling is an every man game.

But doesn't that make it kind of also its origins based on a google search that i did about 30 seconds ago supposedly bowling is from 3200 bc from the flip and egypt oh my god holy shit alexander mr slate actually invented it literally what's happening. Wow, that's incredible. Yeah, but see, you know, it's like you don't need calamari to bowl. No, but you can, bowling is so many, I don't know. You could go to Dave and Buster's and play that weird bowling thing where you just like roll the ball and it like digitally moves. Or you could play apps on your phone.

I don't know bowling of the future all over the place uh it's kind of great i was on the bowling team um i was on the bowling team i was waiting for you to just kind of shove that in i created the bowling team well i created the scrabble squad first then i created the bowling team this was in our house she was the only member you're wrong about one of those and it's that it was at our house yeah however i was the only member um it was at our high school and i was a sophomore and i was told i needed things to add to my resume um because i guess being forced to play piano for 16 years wasn't enough so i was like okay i don't want to join any of these clubs they all sound terrible

so i created the scrabble squad and then um no wanted to do it. So then my friend and I created the bowling club because the guy I had a crush on was like, I love bowling. So we were like, okay, let's make a bowling team. I was really bad, but we had to get personalized bowling balls. This is how our school worked. He was like, you have to like go get your own custom bowling ball. So our mom had to spend like 200 some bucks on a custom bowling ball for me and do you remember my bowling ball's name captain midnight captain midnight and one like two years ago i wanted to show blaze and so i went up into my closet and pulled it out unzipped the bag cracked right down the middle like like sign from god i think he was smited um So I was really upset about that. I mean, my mom was like, okay, there goes my $200-some dollars.

But yeah, it's really sad. But I was terrible at bowling. And then it turns out that sometimes my crush and my friend wouldn't come to bowling. And I would be by myself with the chemistry teacher because he was the coach. And it turns out they were sleeping together in their car in the parking lot. So that's my experience with bowling. The everyman's game. This has taken a turn. Alexander and I literally had just my custom bowling ball,

and I sat there with Mr. Escudero, the chemistry teacher, and just felt really sad. I'd like to make a formal apology to our listeners for not stopping this sooner. Please forgive me. I know you won't forgive her, but please forgive me, because I did not mean for this to happen. I've lost any chance of your forgiveness long ago

when I first announced that Alexander was going through a breakup like five minutes after it happened. I'm sorry. I got in really big trouble for that. Wait, what do you mean? That's not what happened. Hmm? What? What do you mean? you announced that i was going through a breakup like by accident i like revealed it no you gave me a challenge yes i know but i mean like you revealing it though

yes but like right the day it happened i had i like basically put upon you a task yeah the challenge of finding reviews that mentioned a breakup and then you were like now i've been cornered into telling it on the podcast yeah okay yes i see what you're saying okay well good thing you do have a new bowling ball um sitting on the shelf right in front of me that's staring at me right now that's right for my wedding my this is kind of a good picture into our family uh my aunt from um austria who actually now lives in alabama got me a bowling ball don't tell them what's in it we'll post picture oh okay a bowling ball with a special it's a special surprise if you listen and that's why i drink you probably know about it but um it's really weird and cool check out

our social media at beach to sandy to see what's in the bowling ball it's like that uh after pokemon when they're like who's that pokemon and it's just like a circle it's like who's that bowling ball it's captain midnight oh no that's the one with the giant crack through it um but yeah so it's it's cool but i'm never gonna roll that anywhere because it's gonna get really dirty yeah it's cool looking on the shelf and it doesn't have holes drilled in it yet anyway however if that did get cracked like by lightning or something i would that would be horrifying i think something really bad would be happening okay is it my turn yeah i'm lost yeah okay i'm going south now um i'm gonna go to south bowl okay i love that there's a north and a south i don't know if they're actually even related they

just both exist i'm gonna assume they are this is a one-star review by Pat of South Bowl. Pat says, The owner is cheap. I ordered a drink. No straws available except the little alcohol short skinny straws, which means if you buy a soft drink or a draft beer, be prepared to drink out the glass. To put icing on the cake,

they don't have plastic silverware end of review ew are you oohing the same thing i was you drink your beer out of a straw you sick bastard what's the matter with you this is a blue collar game you don't bring your fucking fancy straws into your labatt blue it's disgusting um i'm also picturing that maybe pat isn't much of a beer drinker so maybe she was like assuming that people do that i don't know clearly she was i mean prepared to drink your uh can you imagine though i think the only thing more ridiculous than seeing someone drinking a beer out of a straw would be someone drinking a beer out of like a bunch of cocktail straws oh yeah like really

those little ones yeah and you'd like tie a rubber band around them so it's like a big thick one i feel like uh middle school boys loved those and they would get like a bunch and drink their sodas out of them that was always a thing that i probably just made up i don't know okay i think i saw you doing that to impress your crush out back behind the bowling alley in the parking lot they were like actually drinking beer and i was drinking like a sprite and i was like don't tell my mom she'll be so mad at me the next one i have is actually from an email so this is from alexandra it says hello christine and alex hi my name is alex sooner she her and i love your podcast i recommended it to all my classmates

in one of my college courses when the professor asked for a recommendation of any kind i also wanted you guys to know that i'm the worst emailer that has ever existed i've got picked up on that you have to tell me that's mean i'm just kidding there's nothing mean in or bad in there i didn't really think i would gather the courage to write one of these but here we are well oxen are just demolished it was more of like uh okay i thought they meant they just were like when they write an email it's bad email or something i think they just didn't want to do it and now they don't want to do it even more sorry i feel bad now i just couldn't resist when this topic came up as i live in northeast philadelphia i don't get out much seeing as I have a son, Eli, who will be five on Wednesday, May 6th.

That's the day we released. Happy birthday, Eli. Do you think I should ask Masha to come sing? Masha would, yeah. Not Joshua, though. No, no, no. What a jerk. So, Eli, it's his birthday today.

I'm so excited about this. The timing. Hooray. It's amazing. Anyway, one activity we have actually done with him is go bowling. So I found some reviews of the bowling alley close to our house for you. Thanks for the laughs, Alexander. So this is a review of Thunderbird Lanes.

It's the only one I have that's not of Lucky Strike. Perfect. Let's hear it. One Star by Liz. these people sure know how to ruin a party if i could give them zero stars i would the girl don't get me started on her and then immediately obviously she begins to start on her the girl don't get me started on her wrote people's names on cups. Whoever owns this place should come take a look at how his employees run things around here.

What? Is there more? Yes. Okay, but what does that? Okay. But also I love that. Is there specifically more about the cups? No.

What's wrong with that? I have no idea. Nothing. Okay. I do love that Liz says, whoever owns this place, he should come look at how his employees run the place. Oh, I didn't even like pick up on that. It's just too much. That's because you're a cog in the machine. Whoever owns this place should come take a look at how his employees run things around here.

Brought out one pizza for over 20 people and then started throwing plates on the counter, spawning sauce everywhere. So disgusting. Magic. So nasty. Handed pizza to a guest, a child. Quote, here, can you hand this out? Their apology for not having food ordered in advance

girl in the kitchen had a nervous breakdown and quit it's time to sing happy birthday and half the party got any food the pretzels never arrived the table is dirty she hadn't cleaned up at all empty pictures the mess she made with the soda disaster end of review and then there's actually a picture and there's just a bunch of happy kids and then like the tablecloth and plates are like overturned there's like sauce everywhere i mean literally it's a disaster and then there's just like kids smiling in the background but i was like okay fair and somebody did tweet at us recently like beach too sandy like you need to stop reading reviews that are actually where the reviewer is in the right or something and i was like i still think they're funny sometimes like i don't think it's necessarily like

i don't know that these are all the worst people in the world who don't deserve any we're not trying to be mean-spirited i've had moments where i'm like yeah i could write a one-star review about this as an experience like that and like if it's personal to you i still i just think it's still funny sometimes still funny i mean i mean to me anyway like i know sometimes i'm like obviously if there's sauce all over the table i'm not saying how dare you complain about that imagine the think of the image of someone coming over and playing spawning sauce everywhere like come on come on let me have this okay anyway my turn yeah well i'm staying south at south bowl this is a one-star review by angel buckle up buckled and uh prepare your ears i'm not gonna be screaming that loud but there are no caps and all caps what sometimes i'll be in no caps sometimes i will be in all caps okay

by angel of south bowl actually i give this place no stars at all i will never come here again unless the manager mike is no longer there. He has the worst customer service skills that I've ever encountered. His attitude stinks. He needs to take a class on how you talk to people. His whole demeanor was just nasty. When I came in, I had my mom and my mother and my niece with me. I'm sorry.

You heard right. Okay. My mom and my mother and my niece. I am 36. My mom is my mother and my niece. I am 36. My mom is 61 and my niece was 20. She would have been 21 at midnight. I told the guy checking ID and then I asked for the manager. I told him that we wanted to bring her birthday in at South Bowl. Mind you, it was already about 11 p.m.

He said she has to leave and come back at midnight. Mind you, he came out with an attitude as if he didn't want to talk from the beginning with nasty facial expressions and using hand movements. I'm picturing like, slithering over. And like spawning sauce in his hands. Spawning sauce everywhere. I asked him a question. I said, since we are here, can she sit here and you watch her until midnight while she is with her 61 year old grandmother with her?

You can make sure she does not drink anything. Hey, can you babysit my daughter for a few hours? Right? Could you imagine? What? Could you imagine? It's not like you have anything to manage around here. He began to get extremely nasty for me asking this questions and said, I told you to, to three times now, all of you just get out because I don't want none of y'all here. I said, why should I have to leave the establishment?

I'm 36 and my mom is 61. My niece could have waited in the car. I wasn't nasty or belligerent at all to get put out. I called the cops twice. Oh my god! Someone probably called the cops because you left your daughter in the car for two hours. I called the cops twice. They never came.

That's to be expected. But I will put this review on everything and tell everyone just how nasty this manager is at South Ball. We went to another establishment and spent our money and the manager there actually knows about hospitality i would tell this one to go back to school and learn how to talk and treat people by the way i never cursed or raised my voice and during the conversation i asked him why he was being so nasty while i was just asking a question and a review oh no i love how it's like i just asked a question and the manager's like i asked you to leave three times now like i answered your question and she's like what i just asked one questions like i feel

like there's a lot missing a lot of gaps in this story well but what else is new with these it's rare no but i think it's different than the usual because i think a lot of times they'll leave a lot of gaps and vagueness and and you're like huh they're making themselves sound really good in this one like no they sound very wrong yes they do they definitely are in the wrong and that's something where i don't know be reasonable if they were like policies like you can't be in here when you're not 21 like it's literally against the law why are you acting like you're so entitled to a babysitter for an hour yeah oh my god people are the worst anyway all i have left is one redemption okay good and i felt bad so i

did it of lucky strike because it's like all you brought to the table that's all i brought to the table this is a five-star view by sandino then the table moved itself oh Oh my god. Every time I turned around to throw Captain Midnight. Oh no. Maddie the bartender. The lit fairy godmother. Oh yeah. And you can bowl too. End of review.

Wow. The lit fairy godmother. I can picture Maddie. I can only dream of receiving a compliment like i know right the lit komodo dragon of podcasting leave those leave those compliments in our reviews that's what an honor i can only dream of meeting someone like maddie i'd like to meet maddie let's go lit fairy god all i have is like white t-shirts. I can't get in. Oh, man. Oh, boy. Well, one day when I have a better wardrobe.

Is it time for your challenge? I think it's time for my challenge. So, okay. My challenge, summarized, was to find reviews where a tabletop... From Aaliyah, was to find reviews of where like a tabletop hibachi style grill, like cooking situation. Dining experience went wrong. So my first one is of Fusion Japanese Steakhouse

in Morgantown, West Virginia. This is a one-star review by Madison. If I could give zero stars, I probably would. I went on Valentine's Day, and things started off bad. We had to wait even though I made reservations plenty of weeks in advance. Then, after about 10 minutes, the buzzer goes off. I bring it to the podium, and she informs me it was a mistake and there's no tables available, and I had to continue to wait. Okay, moving on to dinner. I'm a big fan of japanese steakhouses but this one just wasn't it i'm not sure if it was because it was a holiday or if this is all the time but the chef has buttons

okay speaking of that tweet this is one of those things where i'm like this is an interesting place okay but the chef has buttons above his oven that play different songs. Only four. And all night, he wouldn't randomly hit the button to play the song. The songs were as follows. Miley Cyrus, Jays on My Feet, Barbie World, some birthday song, and some club pump-up song. It's 2018, by the way. What the fuck?

The four songs... The four genres of music. Exactly. The four songs, only about 15-second skits, played on repeat all night. It was Valentine's Day. We were trying to be romantic, but even when you got a break from your chef pressing the song buttons,

the four tables next to you pressed their buttons all other times jay's on my feet wait i can't and then some i like that it's not happy birthday it's like some version of a happy birthday song oh my god like a knockoff and barbie girl i just or barbie world did they mean barbie girl yeah they meant barbie girl right i think i have a barbie girl in the barbie world, I mean, I'm sure they meant that song. Okay. Whatever they said. It's called Barbie Girl by Aqua. Don't...

I just tweeted about it the other day. The look of the restaurant is so beautiful and elegant. I wish they gave that same luxurious experience while eating. It felt so childish. Also, I am used to orange yum-yum sauce being served, but here they serve a white version. It was very disappointing. End of review. Oh, it's just white yum-yum sauce.

Don't say that ever again. I wish I hadn't read that last sentence. they serve a white version it was very disappointing end of review oh it's just white yummies don't say that ever again i wish i hadn't read that last sentence but for posterity i wanted to read it all what is this situation that they were in i'm dying how fucking funny is that if this has happened to you before can you let me know because i've been to a couple benihana's but like not really often and i've never encountered this at any hibachi style grill that's hilarious i love i wonder does every table have that same set or does the chef get to pick the four i hope that chef picked those four because that's hilarious but i assume they all got the same i do too because if you just hear the same freaking different stanzas of like miley cyrus playing throughout the restaurant all night it's so funny but i love

that also it's just 15 seconds of each song it's not even it's like the itunes uh the preview oh my god oh boy that's wild and just i love how they're just like well i just wanted a romantic night i don't see this is one of those i don't blame them no that. That's not what I want in my dining experience, especially on Valentine's Day. But also, tweeter person, I wanted to, we needed to hear that. Yeah. We needed to know about this, okay? So, sometimes. Exactly.

Sometimes. The restaurant's in the wrong, but I want to know about it. I want to know every single detail. I have another one from, of Fusion Japanese Steakhouse in Morgantown, West Virginia. Do you think when the health inspector comes over, they're like, no, no, it's only 15 seconds of the song, so you can't. We're not legally. They have music publishing experts sitting there. Universal Music Group comes over.

Licenses and writing. Oh, God. Or the guy and lady who owned Happy Birthday for a long time. Oh, yeah. He's going to sue the hibachi place. Probably. Well, no, that's why they use birthday-like song. Oh's why they use birthday like song they don't even use the actual song okay fusion japanese steakhouse by ad two stars fusions more like explosion of gnats

oh god we went down a journey for a journey together, all of us. I was going to say, oh, of olive oil? Nope. My friend and I were attacked by a swarm of them when we received our food. Nats fell in the yum yum sauce, so we asked to move. Sorry, what is this? Is this yum yum sauce a really common? It must be. I guess. Why do I not know what that is? I don't know.

Just don't mention the color again. What, yum yum sauce? The color. The white one. Don't mention the color again. What, yum yum sauce? The color. The white one.

Nats fell in the yum yum sauce, so we asked to move. The Nats followed, of course. We ordered the teriyaki meatballs. They came in a weird brown sauce that's definitely not teriyaki. Next came our hibachi, which we scarfed down in fear of the Nats falling in our food. This is the second time I've eaten here and had the same issue. They're coming. Not sure I can come back.

End of review. Ew. And they just included a picture of, like, the light fixture above them. Are they trying to say, look, it's all the gnats, and you can't actually see them? Yeah. Oh, goodness gracious. I like that they ate and quickly in fear that's really how you love to enjoy your dining experience yeah why are you eating so fast do you like your food no i'm afraid

i'm extremely afraid of the nats and the fact this song is gonna end soon i want to finish it on miley cyrus oh yeah i don't like to like to eat when J's on my feet is playing. Okay, my next one is of Ichiban Hibachi Steakhouse and Sushi Bar. This is in Canton, Michigan. One star review by Lar. This was awful. I took my best friend for her 50th birthday. The service was terrible. I've always taken people here for special events and it was always a fun experience. Not tonight. They had no olives to make a dirty martini. When the birthday guest asked for a drink menu,

she was taken to the sign in the front of the restaurant and shown a board. Wait, what? She was taken away? Like a paddle. Like she was paddled. What? Okay, hold on. when the birthday girl asked

so she asked for a drink menu and instead they were like we don't have one let me walk you to the front so you can look at the board for some reason the way it was phrased i thought i mean it's not the way it was phrased it was me listening the way i was listening i uh i thought you said like she was taken away from the table for asking. And then I was like, wait, she asked for a sign and she was taken away from the table? Into the secret bed, bath and beyond. Into the beyond. Into the beyond. From Click.

Oh my Lord. Was it Christopher Walken in there or something weird? I don't know. Don't leave the podcast. I'm sorry. I'll stop. Okay. Okay.

I'm talking to everyone else. Not you. You're stuck. Our chef did not interact at all. He got everyone's order wrong. When I asked to speak to the manager, she was rude. Her parting comment was that we were a bunch of old people looking for something free. That's so mean.

Well, that lady asked for a sign and she just took it right from the front of the building. Walked out the door. That was not the case at all. I hadn't been here in two years. We always celebrated special events here. It was always fun. I am beyond mortified at how rude and inconsiderate the staff was tonight. My bill was close to $100 for two people and the service.

Food and attitudes were beyond inappropriate. The manager could have cared less and proved that by her response to me indicating that we were old people looking for something free since when is 50 old i don't care if i'm 95 my money spends the same never again end of review oh my god if you're calling your customers old not the best yikes it turned a lot of these one-star reviews that I was reading. I was like, ooh, yeah, I wouldn't want to go there either. That happens when we do a lot of food establishments. Yeah.

Because it's hard to read many, many one-star reviews and still feel like, yum. Like the, especially the buffalo wings, because a lot of them were like dive bars. And I was like, some of the details here. And there was one I read of, there was, this is horrible. I'm sorry if you guys are squeamish, but they were eating, they're like, all the food was super good. And then we ordered a cheesecake to split. We were eating it.

And we were like, this is so weird. Like the whipped cream is really weird. I wonder if it's like ricotta or something. Like it's kind of sour. And then they like shine their flesh on it. And it was just like this is so weird like the whipped cream's really weird i wonder if it's like ricotta or something like it's kind of sour and then they like shine their flesh it on it and it was just like growing mold and like there's a they put a photo and like the sour or the sorry the the frosting that's what it was the frosting and just like fussy mold all around it oh my god like bite fork marks in it oh no stop okay they thought it was ricotta but it was ricotta oh no it's like and then the worst part is afterwards i was still i was like

i'm hungry for buffalo i was just thinking i'm hungry and i'm still hungry so it doesn't it takes a lot to deter us from food in general but um yeah that turned my stomach but that's bad that's really bad i do love the random detail of she asked for a drink menu and they like escorted her to the front a lot of these i included because i'm like picturing this situation it's so bizarre it's like oh come with me and you're like what where what do you mean i'm trying to eat my shrimp come with me oh okay my next one is of Benihana in Coral Gables, Florida. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Benihana's in Florida. Hit me. I literally Googled Benihana's, Florida. Yes, you did. Really? Of course. Amazing. This is a one-star review of Benihana by Andres in Coral Gables, Florida.

Was told by our server, Lucas, that our soup did not get tofu because the kitchen staff were arguing and no one wanted to cut our tofu. My family got tired of waiting for a cook after half an hour. No communication from management to avoid an unpleasant experience. End of review. What if they just brought out a bowl

with like one giant block of tofu? Like cut it yourselves. Nobody wanted to cut it for you. I mean, this is'm saying and with that tweet it's like how can we not include this garbage that it's like wait wait what is going on in this kitchen they were arguing so they over who had to cut tofu i was gonna say also i like when i cook tofu is like the only thing that i enjoy cutting because it's so fucking easy you can have the dullest butter knife and you could still cut it you could use like a banana and cut a i don't really understand this i do love that it's in florida and at a benihana people are just in the kitchen arguing and refuse to like cut your it's something so perfect about the scenario oh

my god that's good that's Okay, I've got another one. But this is a hibachi grill sushi and seafood buffet. So this is a buffet, but I did see someone preparing some food at a grill by the buffet, so I'm gonna count it. I'll take it. This is a one-star review by Larry. This place was okay. Been there a few times.

When I grab sushi, the guy gives me a look like, man, I just made that and you're gonna eat it i someone is projecting their guilt really hardcore i always wash my hands before eating i walked in the bathroom and busted a u and went to use the purell up front sorry i don't know the way that was phrased is not good for me. It sounds bad, and then I read it, and I'm like, but it doesn't mean anything to me. Like he took a U-turn? Oh. Is what I'm imagining that means.

Oh my god, I'm an idiot. Okay, thank god. It was so gross that he busted a U, which, well, don't say that. And then went to get the Purell up front. Okay, that makes sense. Also went to go get a second plate. My original plate was on the table, so I moved it to the edge of the table as I was taking a bite of the new plate. A pregnant roach popped out and said,

What the fuck you looking at? We got to eat too. Wait, what? A roach popped out? Yeah, I don't know of what, but supposedly this pregnant roach. Supposedly pregnant roach supposedly popped out. And and pulled a u or busted a u busted a u you know what it's probably why that sushi chef was like oh no that was mine it's filled with pregnant roaches my delicacy or maybe it was a special preparation for the pregnant roach well damn okay i understand you're pregnant and times are tough.

Wondering where the baby daddy is. So I was a nice guy, paid for the five of us, but I only left with the original four that came in. Won't be back over there. End of review. What? I don't know. Christina, I don't know.

What is happening? Virginia. So. No offense, but Virginia. So... I don't know. Okay. Why am I asking?

Let's let that marinate. I don't want to. For everyone else. Everyone else can think about that while I move on. Pause while I continue. I'm going to let it marinate for those four roach children, those orphaned roach children. Oh, no. Okay.

This is my second to last one. I have two more. I've got i got a lot this is of a hibachi japanese steakhouse in newark delaware by jeremy one star let me preface by saying i usually absolutely love hibachi however i cannot say that for my last visit to start there was a 20 minute wait when there were open tables it is believed so that we could not order off the early bird menu that it is believed so that we could not order off the early bird menu

i don't know why i'm saying it that way the early bird menu i keep calling it the bird menu it's only pregnant cockroaches are the appetizer the early bird menu there you go it the bird menu it's only pregnant cockroaches are the appetizer the early bird menu there you go i feel like i'm am i is it usually one word early bird like the early bird menu yep it's the early bird i recognize what it is but it's written three words normally i don't know that's what they wrote it as i think it's throwing me off idea the female server was average on getting our drinks and taking our order nothing to complain about but nothing spectacular i love that when we have to clarify that it was a female server you gotta you gotta the sushi had an average weight and was good that is where the evening took a

terrible turn oh shit first the salad was not dried and there was a bunch of water at the bottom of my bowl. The cook that we had appeared to have never had a table before. He seemed lost and did not entertain at all, which was highly disappointing because we had a child with us and it was her first visit. He could not multitask and literally cooked each piece of dinner one at a time. The rice, steak, chicken, scallops, etc. And I cook them all at once at my house. So

impressive. Oh my god. He would not have asked how the steaks were to be cooked if I didn't ask after my steak was on the grill for a while and he almost forgot to do the tossing of the shrimp. Oh shit, you're right. You know how many people complain that these guys didn't toss shrimp around?

I was gonna... That's bad. We almost had no participants because everyone was just over the entire event. It also appears that others were not enjoying the night as well as we encountered another individual arguing with a staff member on our way out. Great. I am sure I will give it another chance, but it really won't be for a while, and most likely not this location.

Do you... Can you imagine? I think about this a lot. For someone who doesn't go to hibachi girls really ever, I think about this an inordinate amount, and it's that... Can you imagine being on your first day as a hibachi chef at a restaurant and you're like oh my god i have a table like 10 people staring at me including children who clearly need to be entertained and you have to somehow flip all these into people's

plates and mouths and like cut the stress of that it's terrible i like i'm sweating right now i again i don't even go and it's you know why i probably don't go to hibachi girls because of that because i'm too nervous to watch someone perform for me like that there's so many different complaints though i saw someone who said the scallops were too fishy or too much like seafood or something i'm not kidding i was the scallops were too fishy oh no i'm wait, what? What does that mean? It means nothing is what it means. Okay, this is my last one. This is of Hibachi Japanese Steakhouse in Newark, Delaware. This is one star by Cassandra. Soy sauce in my hair and anger in my heart.

That is what should be one of the four songs on the button. I think. There's a colon after this. Holy shit, I'm ready. Soy sauce in my hair and anger in my heart colon a cautionary tale oh my god are you ready and also a new pop remix enter hibachi restaurant to host hello we'd like a table for 10 host shoot me Shoot me. Enter bar area. The bartender was the rudest individual I have ever encountered. I love how they just like give up on that whole like setting the scene kind of thing. Like the dialogue kind of thing.

This is now when it becomes just a review. He would not allow me and my friends to get drinks because we were smiling in our driver's license photos. In the state of Maryland, smiling is legal. However, the bartender did not take the time to look up DMV regulations, and instead flamboyantly shunned us from the bar. We are all 24. Talk about the phrase flamboyantly shunned. I would love to see what that looks like. He threw glitter in our eyeballs. And then spun around and didn't look at us the rest of the night it is a hibachi girl it's about entertainment true true true after 50 minutes we were finally seated the hibachi chef had a severe cold and sneezed on all of our food i have a shrimp allergy and he threw shrimp at my head despite my attempts to deflect his advances he didn't throw it he was sneezing he just his reflexes you know when i talk about allergies

that that one's pretty that one's bad that one i can't defend he launched them to deflect them okay i'm gonna reread that i have a shrimp allergy and he threw shrimp at my head despite my attempts to deflect his advances. The level of English proficiency here is quite low. My hair was covered in soy sauce. One of my friends ordered salmon and the hibachi chef forgot to cook it. He offered to make her sashimi because he had already cleaned the grill. Finally, we ordered a birthday dessert for one of my friends.

They gave it to the wrong person and only gave us one spoon after we told them we wanted to share it. Overall the service was poor, the food was mediocre, the restaurant was dirty, and the bartenders were horrific. Stay away. Stay far away! End of review. And my hair is dripping in soy sauce. That's just pretty bad. I can't believe

that. That is not not the best experience. That's one of the few I can't believe that. That is not the best experience. That's one of the few times when an entertaining writer enters the landscape of reviews, of online reviews. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, so what a mess. But that's the thing. When your task is to find disastrous reviews, it's hard to find ones that are positive disasters. You can't really have much of a redemption.

And oftentimes, it's not the person's fault that a disaster happened. Like the reviewer. Right. When they're mentioning a disaster of sorts. Right. Although I will say some of these were not as disastrous as others. Oh, my God. Getting shrimp lunched at your head is no good wow what's the name

of that again sauce soy sauce in my hair and anger in my heart soy sauce in my hair and anger in my heart a cautionary tale that's like the most beautiful eloquent title yep that's one word for it two words beautiful and eloquent. I would say. Is that it? Yeah. Oh, no, I'm sad. I know. That was a lot, though.

I think I had like seven. But they were so much fun. We still have to edit this tonight, so. I know. I know. This has got to stop somewhere. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

We know how much you love listening to us talk over and over and over again. Okay. So I guess it's time for our theme for next week. Yes. This was sent in by Lexi, who says, Hello, you crazy kids. With the COVID craziness going on and being stuck for four weeks with my family at this point,

I came up with a simple yet hilarious idea for an episode. I'm from Minnesota, and we have something like 12,000 lakes. Things could get interesting quick. So for my theme idea, it would be awesome if you did lakes in Minnesota. I like it i've been ice fishing on a lake in minnesota that's right exactly um that is a good point that i had forgotten and i'm i'm glad you reminded me thanks for making social distancing a little less lonely love this podcast and your sibling

relationship that makes one of us lexi um it makes two of us because I love it too, even if you hate it. Well, I have a challenge. This is from Alexandria. She, her. Alexandria says, hello, loves. I thought of a few challenges that either one of you could use if maybe you need some ideas. Yeah, always. Yes, we always do.

Feel free to tweak them or whatever or not. I can't tell you what to do. You can't? I'm allowing you to yeah you need to find a review where the reviewer states that they purchased an adult game for a child okay so like i'm picturing i bought call of duty for my son oh or i mean it could be like that we just did that review of or you read that review of that exploding kittens game yes yes i'm picturing like also video games like a mature game oh boy this could get interesting i tried to get mom to this was okay this is the worst thing that's ever happened to

me oh wow was i was at i think it was target when i was little with mom because I wanted to get the newest Grand Theft Auto game. We were at the checkout. She put the game down. They scanned it. And the guy behind the cash register said, is this for him? And she said, yes. And he told her, it's really violent. I don't think that you would want him to play it and like told

her hey don't buy your son this game it's rated mature for a reason and she knew she had to buy it for me like she knew i wasn't like old enough for it and so she was like okay i won't and then what oh that guy i still hold a grudge what What a jerk. I mean, he like cock blocked game block to you. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. If it was Call of Duty, I could say he caught blocked you, but that's not gonna work. No, it's not like he she was buying you cigarettes.

Whatever. How old were you? Like I was in like middle school. Okay. Damn. So maybe I shouldn't have been playing it. But still, that's not the point. She agreed to buy it for me.

We talked about it. She's an intelligent person, and she also watches me play video games. She would see it. I don't know. Whatever. Whatever. I'm over it. I totally am over it. I know that nowadays she'd probably say, oh, I just refused to buy that game for him because it was so violent. Which is kind of true in the end because

she found out how violent it was and for all i know she would have watched me play it and been like what the fuck is this game i just bought you and thrown it out the window anyway thanks for listening uh you can check out our merch at bit.ly slash beach to sandy merch and uh thanks for playing along with our animal crossing contest and that link will be in the description also. It will be, yes. Good point. Otherwise, we will see you next week when we go up to Minnesota for a nice little vacay. Can't wait. Bye.

Bye. Bye.