Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 77: Lakes in Minnesota

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all the crazies Minnesota has to offer.  Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good afternoon. Afternoon, my friends. Hello. This is Beach, Tea, Sandy, Water, Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. Before we get started on today's episode, I have a special gift for Alexander.

Stop. What? I have no idea what's happening. I was supposed to give this to you like four weeks ago. This looks terrible. It's like just... Why does it look terrible? It's just like a ratty box that looks like it's been sitting in the corner for months. Stuffed with various packing materials. It has, here you go.

One sec. You should read the return address first and tell me who it's from if this isn't from carol baskin i swear to god oh it is oh my god oh my god they were out they didn't okay they only sold the shirt that you wanted in women's cut scoop neck because there is no way this is a shirt it's not a shirt this is a very is this fragile like it's packed so delicate well okay there's nothing delicate but oh i was supposed to edit this or record this oh okay sorry sorry go ahead you can open it now okay now i can open it yeah it's from carol baskin who i love by the way team carol oh what does this say i don't remember it

says i just want to drink beer and rescue bobcats oh and something very small at the bottom that's great look at this this is beautiful look at this i'm sorry they were out of the shirt you wanted this is amazing or they didn't sell it which i thought was sexist they only sold it in women's scoop neck fit fitted they didn't have i want to drink wine and rescue bobcats shirt for men that's not fair i know i think i'll i'll talk to carol for me because i can't wear a friggin scoop cut fit tea oh it says i'm like it says at the bottom i fund rescues at big cat rescue.org yeah now I get a million emails from Carole Baskin. Oh, forward them. Whenever you get them, forward them to me, please.

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You and Us, you're missing out on all the big scoops. Zandy is moving, has moved to a new apartment i live alone he's just tired of me i guess and he moved um but we're still recording in person for now but we did test a remote episode yesterday i think it went okay i think so too no one complained about the audio yet yet well yeah so yeah um that was great thank you so much if you do want to support us on Patreon, and you're like, what does he look like when he opens a mug? Or a, yeah, mug thing.

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You can see videos or pictures of cats. We do a monthly live stream Q&A thing. Pictures of cats, right? Live stream. That's my groceries. We just took like a 30 minute break. So we don't know what we were just talking about. Support us on Patreon or don't. Let's get into the about. Support us on Patreon, or don't.

Let's get into the episode. It doesn't even matter anymore, folks. This isn't about us. This is about people on the internet. Yeah, specifically in Minnesota. Oh, boy. Who wants to go first? I can go.

Go for it. So I have a history lesson, but I think I'm going to save that. So I'm going to... A history lesson? Actually, you know what? No. For us? Let's do it.

I'm going to start off with the history lesson. Could we not? Could we save that for the patrons gonna a history lesson actually you know what no let's do it let's i'm gonna start off with the history lesson could we not could we save that for the patrons and spare me we know how much they they love paying money for history lessons from us um no okay it's nothing crazy i texted my buddy steven because steven is my um buddy my buddy and my minnesota expert because that's where he is from so i was like like, hey, I need some reviews of lakes in Minnesota. What are your thoughts? He told me he likes this lake. And then he was like, but, but there is one lake, Bidet Makaska, which is the largest lake in Minneapolis, and was recently renamed from Lake Calhoun to its original Dakota name.

Oh, yeah, I did read about this. And there was a lot of drama there. Yes. Because a lot of people supported the name Lake Calhoun, despite the fact that it was named after John C. Calhoun, who was a very big proponent of slavery during his time. So it was like, hey, why not rename it to the original Dakota name? And to me, I'm like, that sounds like a great idea.

Duh. And just a little bit. So that's all the history. Except I just want to say that it's called Bidet. It means lake. Maka means earth. And ska means white. So it's the lake of white earth.

It's meant to be like the white sandy beaches, and that's where the name comes from. Yeah, watch some interesting videos on it. Anyway. I remember this happening. That was recent. It was, I think, within the past couple years. Yeah. So some people didn't like it.

And let me start with what Paul has to say. This is Paul's one-star review of Bidet Maca Ska. Here we go, Paul. Tell me what you have to say. One star. I disown the state of Minnesota. Oh my God, but he owned it for so long. You know what?

He took it over. Shit, now who's going to own it? Honestly, Christina, I don't think anyone will. Oh, crap. Which is a scary thought yeah renaming lake calhoun is the single dumbest thing that has ever happened ever could you imagine if like i'd like to actually think so i really hire him as my history teacher i bet he has a lot of really strong and thoughtful opinions i would love to see his list going from the worst all

the way to the best thing. Anytime I think about moving back to Minnesota, I can just look at the new name of this lake and immediately lose all interest in returning. End of review. Minnesota's lucky then in that case, it sounds like to not have him come back. I don't understand why people are so weirdly adamant about it. Because they think that other people are snowflakes, even though they're the ones that are more sensitive than anyone else. Okay, that was, you know what? That sums it up. Your turn.

I mean, Blaze and I had a long conversation about a lot of things like this in sports. Oh, he did tell me. Yeah, no, he did tell me that. What? Well, I remember he sent me a petition a couple years ago about keeping the name Lake Calhoun. Shut up. So I was like, I thought of Blaze because I remember him protesting there too. We were...

He tied himself to a buoy and was like, you will not rename this lake. Yeah, and we had to rename him from Paul to Blaze because I was like, Blaze, no one's going to take you seriously if your name's Paul anymore, you need to hide. Well, now here we are. We've got to change his name all over again. Here we are. To the original Dakota name. Right.

Yeah, no. So we were talking about, like, the Redskins and, like, Chief Wahoo or whatever his name is. Yeah, is that the Indians? Cleveland Indians mascot. They got rid of but people like threw such a fit and i was like it's so blatantly racist how can people even stand on like stand on that argument i don't understand i i don't yeah and it's it's a weird thing for me just because i don't know like i had no allegiance to those teams but sports fandom like for me is

also a big deal where i like the bengals for example like for some reason I am obsessed and in my head they can almost do no wrong kind of in some ways yeah so if you grow up with it I guess that makes sense and you're I don't know if this is the right word but indoctrinated into the fandom like I could see why but at the same time like it's so obvious that it's not okay one step back and look at it and like put yourself aside for one brief moment in time anyway let's go back to this oh i also want to say that lexi sent in this theme just to give some credit yeah thanks lexi i like this one a lot so this is um lake of the isles in minneapolis and this is a three-star review by Liz. The reason for the three stars is the exact opposite of why others give it four or five stars. It's less crowded than other lakes,

which means less people to watch. I'm a people-watcher type of gal, so if there's no one around, it gets pretty lonely for me. I've ran here once, and I didn't like the neighborhood either. Those mansions make me feel poor inside. End of review. Just on the inside, at least. Her flashy bling makes her feel a little better.

The tennis bracelet. I just, I was like, you're complaining that there aren't many people there, which seems... Could have been worse. Could have put one star for that. And it is helpful, though. If I read that review i'm like great i want to go to a lake that has fewer people that's good to know i suppose but i could get that from all the five star views that say hey there's not many people around good point that is a good point maybe it isn't the most helpful i have another review of bidet makaska this is by anthony one star this is the wrong name of this lake. Here's some shocking news.

Minneapolis was not called that until the white man took it as well. Gotta love the white man. Oh my god. Yikes. That's just, they're not even hiding how they're feeling. Yikes. Yikes. I just don't even have words for that oh steven his ears were burning he just venmoed me money for youtube tv that he owed me i was like he

venmoed what for like spouting his opinions on air or something yeah he said he said make make sure to get all of your listeners to uh his puppet sign my petition that blaze and i co-wrote okay this is a review of como park and this is two stars by sam i had thought it was terrible but they have a polar bear which is rare even at large zoos wait wait wait where are we como park so a park by a lake. Okay. Yes. Okay, I wasn't sure what... I think most of these Yelp things are not, like, of... They're, like, of the park that the lake is in. Oh, okay. Mine were all of lakes, so...

Whatever. I don't know what to tell you. You can... Lexi, I listened. I'm sorry I couldn't keep her from veering. You can continue now. I can tell. I had thought it was terrible, but they had a polar bear, which is rare even at much larger zoos.

The gardens were nice. One person was smoking pot. End of review. Wait a second. Was this like all one sentence? Mm-hmm. Whoa, okay. Two stars.

Two stars. One more for the polar bear. Wow. I was like, wait. Do they actually have a polar bear? Yes, they do. Weird. And a pot smoker. A pot smoker.

Also behind a different, in a different enclosure. In a different enclosure. Oh, God. That sounds like my kind of park. So from here, I went to our emails. like my kind of park so from here i went to our emails so here is an email from kirsten who says hey guys i was so excited to hear the theme for next week's episode i live in minneapolis and have been waiting for another minnesota theme since the epic car washes episode yeah that was a long time ago that was that was like episode what like six or four or five? It was really early, yeah. They sent a couple reviews.

This is a review of Eagle Lake by Dina. Three stars. Lake Minnetonka can be a vast, scary landscape where big boats like to play. No place for a dainty and classy vessel like the Silky Pig. Oh. She prefers a more bucolic environment, free of tidal waves and autotuner. Eagle Lake, a mere 15 minutes from the middle of the city, is big enough to be exciting, tubing, and small enough to keep Silky safe.

If you head out around 2 or 3, you might catch a glimpse of Club Pontoon, the floating suburban party that rocks out to Jimmy Buffett every weekend off of Maple Grove's leafy coast. Also, turtles! End of review. You know, the second I heard about this Jimmy Buffett party, I thought, maybe the white man's right. Maybe we gotta go the direction of the white man. I think they've really got it nailed here.

You know, you might be right. Oh my god. The Silky Pig is literally the most cringeworthy name. I'm sorry. You don't like it? I want to like it, and it just makes my skin crawl a little bit. Dina, I will listen to Jimmy Buffett on your Silky Pig any day. Like, do you hear it?

I just can't. I can't stand it. And honestly, like, Turtle Watching, Jimmy Buffett, Silky Pig, Dina. Like, I'm loving it. I put it all together and, like, the picture it paints is, like, I'd say a B+. I could probably get on board. But disjointed? I don't know.

Silky Pig? I don't know. Originally, when I picked it i was like oh silky pig you gotta pick that and i'm reading more like jimmy buffett oh yeah oh yeah this is basically like your uh this is minnesota right here you and steven can go hang out with these people okay this is a one-star view of como park you know the one with the polar bear and the smoking polar bear one star by chris if i could give less than one star, I would. We are visiting relatives here in the Twin Cities area and drove 1,200 miles to be here.

Our kids wanted to go to Como Park for the day. The parking lot was indicated as open and there were plenty of spaces. After parking, two extremely rude female city employees kicked us out and told What? What? I was like, I'm just picturing him like visiting in-laws and like wanting to just, he's just so angry and miserable that these two ladies come up and he just is like, it's all their fault. It's insane. That I hate my in-laws so much. And I had to drive 1200 miles to be here. That's so crazy.

He's probably like to his partner, like, I'm sorry, we can't come back. And it has nothing to do with your beautiful family and the drive, the 1,200 mile drive with the kids. It's just about this parking lot. Everything was great until that moment. This $3 parking lot, which by the way, I saw somewhere else it cost $3. This $3 parking lot. Oh my God. Not today.

Not for Chris. That's insanity. Chris and Paul are never coming back to Minneapolis. I've had those moments where I'm like, yeah, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. There's so much going on. And then this final thing. And it's been insignificant things, but never to the point where I'm going to write a fucking nasty review and tell people to boycott an entire city.

Can you imagine if he goes back to the family's house? Like, we tried to go to the park. I hate your crappy town and you don't care about people, and we're never coming back. How can you live here? How can you live like this? Yikes. I don't want my children exposed to this ever again. We're driving 1,200 miles all the way back, and I'm going to be mad the whole way.

Okay, I've got another email. This is from Eloise who said hi sheifers here are a couple of reviews i found of uh resorts fishing spots on mill locks lake it's by the way mill locks means thousand lakes in french so it's literally called thousand lakes lake what's with all the different languages it's too much i'm i'm so sick of how many different languages there are in this country. Isn't it pronounced meal? Meal? I don't know. You took French, not me. Piecemeal. My French is piecemeal. It's thousands. Yeah. So because I was thinking differently, I didn't use any of their reviews because I was like, oh, these aren't reviews of the lake itself.

I didn't use any of their reviews because I was like, oh, these aren't reviews of the lake itself. Because I was like, I didn't know we could do that. But I did look up the lake because it was a good lead. So I do have a review of Mule Locks Lake. Okay. This is a three-star review by Brian. Okay, I'm excited by the way your face is looking at me. I'm laughing because I don't think anyone else will laugh. This is a three-star review by brian okay i'm excited by the way your face is looking at me i'm laughing because i don't think anyone else will laugh this is a three-star review by brian i'm biased i live close end of

review come on wait three stars i'm biased that's literally like literally the least clear review exactly like there's no bias whatsoever in a three-star review there's like no opinion at all actually maybe that's the point maybe i just thought of this maybe they're like hey i'm sorry google i would but i'm biased so i cannot so i cannot but i must click it anyway ethically ethically i have to click it god that's actually funny they're a local guide maybe that's what they were thinking maybe they're like hey like, Google, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, bud. I can't tell you.

You know this is a conflict of interest. A conflict of interest. And you know how spicy that makes things, but I just can't. I can't. I've got to fight it. I love it. I love it. I've got to fight it.

Did you see someone, I think, tweeted at us or messaged us somewhere and said, thanks to BHTC, Andy, I found out my dad's a local guide on Google. Oh my God, yes. I died. I think it was on Twitter. Yes, I forgot about that. Can you imagine? That's like the worst fear.

So fucking funny. Oh boy. But you can, you know what? Like that's a thing. You can, like if you go on a date with someone, you meet someone on a dating app, look them up. See if they write reviews.

Tells a lot about. really does especially if send them to me and we'll judge them for you that's right and we can even shame them into the ground them and also and you for talking to them and also you can tell where they live because some people will just say they're too biased too far i'm sorry too far i'm sorry gonna get us in trouble conflict of interest she's not wrong but okay this is a review of lebanon hills regional park slash jensen lake now we're in lebanon what what is this multicultural kind of place like this they can't pick one fucking lane this place honestly minnesota sounds pretty cool lebanon hills regional park slash jensen lake one star by bill being born in a big city parentheses wichita kansas

i'm sorry wait i saw those five words that i went yep i feel bad laughing at this, but come on. Come on, buddy. Don't feel bad. What is his name? Bill uses it the entire time as like leverage for his review. Like. Ready?

You're going to learn. I wouldn't even say that. I'm from Cincinnati. No, never. What's the population of Wichita? Do you want me to look it up? I'm looking it up. Okay.

Wichita, Kansas population. 389,000 okay uh so egan minnesota cincinnati ohio population 302 000 okay but the greater wichita probably is smaller than either way egan where um where the lake is has 66 000 people so it's much smaller relatively sure okay i can't can't judge for the relative but i don't know i just i've never heard that continue bill i i'll hear him out because i have no choice being born in a big city wichita kansas and living there for over 25 years i guess i've become a regional park snob, as my wife tells me every other week. What? Bill, I know you were born in Wichita, but you are such a snob about these parks.

I think she thinks he's a snob because he was born in Wichita, which is even worse. Yeah. Oh my god. And he somehow has a leg to stand on that he's snobby about parks. Okay. I guess I've become a regional park snob, as my wife tells me every other week. I was expecting more, to be honest. No real beach, no off-leash dog park, no food carts.

Nothing like a date with your wife. Nope. Wait, what? That came out of nowhere. It wasn't wrong. I just missed one word nothing like a date walk with your wife and grabbing a hot dish from a food cart vendor nothing bill like we do in wichita and finally there was not even a single shopping area what what land of 10 000 parks i think not that's not what they call it i was gonna say is

that maybe that's what they call wichita maybe that's probably what bill calls wichita and no one else does um i just and everyone no one can refute it because no one there everyone there is like i've never been to wichita i have no no interest in it. So I believe you, Bill. How are you supposed to? Numbers don't lie. 300,000 people. I just love that. Like, can you imagine? I was going to say, can you imagine being married to this guy? Obviously, probably not.

But like when they go on a walk and he's like, ah, and he keeps sighing. And she's like, what, Bill? And he's like, I just wish we could have a hot food cart vendor to make this the best date. I miss the park scene in Wichita. The park scene! I mean, relatively sure, but to write a one-star review, recognize where you are. Like, don't, you know, like, you're not in Wichita.

You're not, like, if he went from Wichita to LA and had those complaints, I think that would be a lot more warranted. He'd be like, hey, what the heck? Like, we have this in Wichita. They don have it here what the heck i see what you're saying but instead he's going from wichita to a smaller city much smaller city and complaining that it's not the same well the best kind of people it's like that guy from new york who like went to michigan or somewhere and like talked about bagels and went on and on and i was i was like nobody's claiming that these are new york bagels leave leave on and on. And I was like, nobody's claiming that these are New York bagels.

Leave these people in Michigan alone. If they are and it's not perfect, well, hey, guess what? You're in Michigan. Get over it. Get over it. That's what I have to say to you, people. Get over it. Okay, so now it's time for my...

I have two redemptions left. Great. So I'm still following Eloise's um journey journey yeah she sent me on a journey great and we're at mule locks lake this is a five-star review by alexander oh boy be nice be nice did you write this if it were you know? I'd be proud of this review. Okay. As a child, with my family, I would go visit my grandparents at their lake cabin. Gave me wonderful memories of my experiences there. The water, the beautiful scenery, the lush greenery,

how quiet it can be. It's so wonderful. Brings back beautiful memories. The bountiful fish that swim the lake are beautiful. The days there are beautiful. And during the summer, it's hot, but a dip in Mill Lock's lake will refresh you 110%. Being here was the lifeblood of my childhood. End of review.

Aww. Yeah. Just so sweet. Is that like the alternate childhood you've written for yourself? Yeah. So yours was nothing like that? Yeah yeah it's part of my novel i'm writing are you testing material on us mill or meal lake i haven't locks lake i haven't decided how to pronounce it yet um well yeah um a lot of the five-star reviews i read were like literally my grandparents used to take me here it was really sweet yeah there are a lot of good ones um so quick thank you and shout out to kirsten and eloise for their help with that theme thank you um i have one more

uh oh shit i just realized the last line of bill's review was like separate and i thought it was a separate review but it's oh it's part of the same review so Bring us back to that guy. I would be so happy if you did. Don't you miss Bill? So much. He has more to say. What else does he have to say? So I'll just start here. Land of 10,000 parks? I think not.

On the good side, beautiful area with the upside to become the park we all deserve. Take a page from Wichita and develop something like Park Village. Which I assume is his park back in Wichita. I never want to go to Park Village. I bet there's a lot. Bill, you've ruined Wichita for me. A lot of food vendors and sexy dates. I know everyone listening can't hear, or can't see me, but Christina, look.

Wichita was up here, and now it's here. Oh my god, he like flipped it. He said it was here, and then it's all the way at the same time. No, I didn't. I didn't. No, hey, she's lying to you. So I typed in Park Village, Wichita, Kansas, and the first result is a three and a half star rated mobile home park.

So I don't know if he's, you know, really confused or maybe. Would you be surprised? Maybe there's a great food vendor at the park village uh mobile home park the one thing i still can't get over is the fact that his wife brings up that he's a park snob every other week i bet he just like makes her say it every other week like he leads her to say it every other week he has it on his calendar as a reminder like oh it's time for her to say it he'll like text her about all these he'll like text her about I don't know, lakes. He'll goad her until she says it?

Yeah. Oh my god, that sounds terrible. Have I ever told you how shitty that lake is? You're such a snob. Okay. I also have a redemption. Okay. This is, um, guess who wrote this?

Not Bill. Not Bill. There's no way. I who wrote this? Not Bill. Not Bill. There's no way. I promise you it wasn't Bill. What if it was Bill's wife? She's like, I grew up here and I fucking love this park and I've had plenty of sexy dates without hot food vendors. Bill.

Guess who wrote it? Fox. No, Fox is everywhere. He's literally everywhere. This guy's everywhere. He's literally everywhere. God, god fox we need you on the show i know fox are you there somebody knew him remember really oh yeah that's right because they were a yelper and they said they met him at a party or something for yelpers yeah man i'm never

gonna be allowed hot food vendors we're never gonna be allowed into a yelper party how sad is that that's the saddest thing. That's why we started this, to try to get into those. And now we've gone so far off track, and I don't know how to get back on. This is a review of Lake Nokomis, five stars, by Fox. When I come to mini apples or mini soda, I lake what I see here. Fox, you dog. I love the way I see here. Fox, you dog. I love the way you write reviews.

Fox, you hound. Get it? Oh my god, that was better. Can we rewind and have me be the one that says that? Okay. Or rather, what I see here are lakes. This is a beautiful lake in the land of the lakes. Minnesota has so many lakes, it's just absolutely flush with lakes, you could say. Although I hope they don't ever flush the lakes, but knowing humans,

we could find a way to do exactly that. Wow, wow, wisdom coming in from all sides. I'm going to be honest. Fox says what I'm thinking before I'm thinking it. That's how I see Fox. That's incredible. Fox is incredible. Okay. So this lake, it's beautiful and it's one of many, but it's one of the better ones and a lovely place to hang out in the summer before the other 28 months a year come around, which are Siberian around here. It's just freezing to a fault, so be sure to bundle up well, maybe even in summer, most

of the time, honestly. Of course, it's not superior like Lake Superior, and it's not as dramatic as dating Michigan, parentheses, Lake Michigan. Were you thinking that too before you said it? superior like Lake Superior and it's not as dramatic as dating Michigan parentheses Lake Michigan were you thinking that too you know what I wasn't but I am now but it's still lovely they may only have mini sodas and mini apples in this state but they have big lakes to go with their mini lakes speaking of big lakes have you met End of review. I googled Barbie Lake, and apparently that's a lake in Indiana, so I don't know. And he's from Buffalo, New York, so I don't get it. Fox, we need you to...

Obviously it was very wise. We just don't know. We're just not at that level. Yes. So Fox, please bring us all to that level. Reach out to us. Let us know what you were thinking. Reach out. Invite us to your Yelp party. I would be honored to be your plus one. What about me? What about you? I want to be Fox's plus one. I guess he's going to have to choose the ultimate gauntlet.

Alright, here's my last redemption. So, as we've mentioned before i have gone ice fishing um one time i participated in the ice fishing extravaganza in brainerd minnesota i forgot to look this up um with our stepdad yes and now that i'm vegan i'm glad i didn't catch anything back then um at the time i was disappointed but it's a good thing so it takes place on gull well they release it all anyway i was like i don't think they like eat them but still that's still still okay i love fishing so here is a review of gull lake where the extravaganza takes place and for those who don't know it's like 10 000 people on the same lake a bunch of hot food vendors see uh bill

would like this sexy time and you get you pick a hole and you fish and then they have prizes which i love for like it's not necessarily just like the biggest one or the fastest one or the longest longest one or whatever it's also like if you are if you catch a like 326 the largest one right yeah it's so i don't know if it's that many but i think it's like about top 150 maybe when i did it i think they have like random ones yeah so it was like what but it was like the first place got like a truck yeah uh but then 150th got like something really nice but 149th didn't so it was like every five or every ten like i think top five get something good but then like six through nine didn't and then ten got something good i see uh like you'd get an auger if you're like 149th but then an atv if you're 150th so it

was like oh my gosh you caught yeah it was stink it was a weird setup but it was it was made it kind of exciting because that meant that you still had a chance win something good even if you weren't the best it didn't catch the biggest fish anyway here is a five-star review of gull lake by anna got skunked this year but always a good time end of review like got skunked by an actual skunk. By a skunk, yeah. I thought for a second it was like just using it as a saying, and then I was like, oh wait, no. I mean, maybe. I don't know. Maybe that also means you didn't catch fish.

Like, is that like a term Minnesotans use? I think maybe they actually got skunked. But I assume that they actually got skunked. And if you can get skunked, and your thought is, I'm going to leave this lake a five-star review, then you're a five-star kind of person. What kind of good time I had. Yeah. Even though I smelled and no one wanted to hang out with me anymore. And again, that says a lot about that lake. lake a five-star review then you're a five-star kind of person what kind of good time i had yeah even though i smelled and no one wanted to hang out with me anymore and again that says a lot

about that lake it must be pretty damn nice up there if you can get skunked and still have a great time and full of skunks so i have one more redemption this is a five-star view of como park by nathaniel this is the one with polar bear and the skunk. Exactly. Smell. Oh, this, yes. I have been a volunteer at the Como Park Zoo and Conservatory for about a year, and so far it has been one of the best experiences of my life. I have taught children how to take care of their planet. I have been able to educate the public on the topic of conservation and preservation of our natural resources, and I have learned much myself.

Thanks to this wonderful zoo, I have been able to get closer to amazing animals and closer to amazing people as well. End of review. Sweet. Isn't that nice? Yeah. Aww, except for that one dick. Sam. Ugh, Sam.

Should we talk about my challenge now? Yeah, that was a nice end to a great theme. So thank you, Lexi. It's very rare that I end on a positive note, which is, I guess, why I'm not ending and I'm going to keep going. So now let's go into your theme, but first I need to go to the bathroom. Challenge, but sure. Go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, good. challenge but sure go to the bathroom oh yeah good okay so this challenge was from Alexandria and it is to find a review in which the reviewer says they bought an adult game for a child yes yes great

so I thought I would start with this email came in from rfenton and our Fenton happened to find a review of Grand Theft Auto. And I thought, since that is what we had discussed, it's fitting. Alexander tried to, or wanted to get a copy of Grand Theft Auto, and our mom went to buy it for him. And in front of Alexander, the cashier said, you know, this is a really violent game. And my mom put it back.

Yep. And he never played it again. I never did. So, that being said, I have a review. This is written by Heather, parent of a 6 and 11-year-old, is their title. This is the subject of the review perfect for tweens wait why why didn't mom talk to this person i think this is like a tween who got rejected at target and like went on the internet like mom look perfect for tweens i think it's a great game, but nevertheless very violent.

But if your kid is mature, it should be fine. If you trust him not to go to the bad places, it'll be fine. Well, no wonder mom didn't let you play. Yeah, she did not trust me. She's like, they're already in the bad place. I told her, I can't wait to go to the bad places. If your kid is mature, it should be fine. If you trust him not to go to the bad places it

should be fine the opportunities of fun and discovery are endless and your son will keep on playing till the end if your son doesn't do the missions then he can just visit the city and there is no need to fight the police ai is very good so harming anyone will assure you a one-way ticket to jail. If you hurt someone, an ambulance will try and rescue them. This is why the game is so good and perfect for tweens. In all capital letters. End of review.

I think you're spot on saying that this was a tween who wrote this. Because there is no freaking way that, of all they're clearly their parents said you're not a teenager and they were like i'm sort of a teenager i'm a tween yeah clearly pushing the tween with the capital letters and you're right saying like your son will go to jail if they hurt someone don't worry like it's weird very specific and saying an ambulance will come it's exactly the kind of arguments i would make yes don't worry mom. Don't worry, Mom. I won't go to the bad places. An ambulance comes if someone gets hurt. But I think with the newer games, I do think that there are more opportunities to play that way.

Whichever one I wanted when I was in middle school, I don't remember which one it was. Three or four. I don't know. Now they're more open world where you can go around and there's like... Do other stuff maybe. You can golf. Oh. There more open world where you can go around and there's like do other stuff you can golf oh there's some weird you would have had a much easier argument yeah that kind of like mom I just want to play like a golf simulator don't worry it's just a golf practice game yeah so they might not be totally wrong but their arguments are very weirdly childlike very childlike and very specific about oh wow, the police AI is very good. But then they're like, which means

that I won't hurt anyone. So thank you, R. Fenton, for sending that in. Thank you, Heather. I mean Heather's child for writing that review. Okay, so the next I found is a review of a game called Drunk, Stoned, or Stupid. have you seen this game before yes have you played it no me neither i've always wanted to play it it looks kind of fun but also basically most of the reviews were like if you and your family argue easily don't don't play this and i thought oh we would be screwed if i'm i could be mistaken but this is about um you say

something you did and you're either drunk stoned or just stupid? No, actually not, which is what it seems like it would be. But it's basically like who's more likely to blank? Like who's more likely to get drunk and throw up? Or who's more likely to call their ex when they're drunk? It's like who's more likely to type of thing. Because I know there's also a subreddit. I think it's called, I don't know what it's it's like who who's more likely to type thing um because i know there's also a subreddit i think it's called i don't know what it's called exactly but it's people post stories and then people have

to guess oh i see whether they were drunk or a child oh it's actually kind of something like that yeah no that's just the name of it i don't think that actually plays into the game got it keeping that in mind um here is a one-star review by eric please remember this game is called drunk stone or stupid not children appropriate i bought this to play at a family game night and now my family won't even speak to me end of review what um idiot which to be fair a lot of people said we're no longer speaking or they stopped speaking to me, but they were grown adults. Yeah, yeah. Not like, mom, you bought this, or dad, you bought this horrible game, and nobody wants to talk to you anymore.

It's like that time that, as a family, we rented the first scary movie. Yes. And within 10 minutes, we just stopped watching because we couldn't handle it. Mom was so mad because we paid to rent it. We, like, insisted we wanted to play or watch it. But none of us actually after that 10 minutes wanted to continue no we were like this isn't it wasn't even like mom just shutting it down we were all just so uncomfortable yeah it was really awkward um i will say though i did pull some of the cards just to be clear of like what eric thought would be a fun children's game and i also love that like eric

played this it wasn't like i bought this because a lot of the reviews are like i bought this looked at the box and went no way um clearly they played it at family game night and now eric's family won't speak to him here are some of the cards that he would have to uh that make me think no wonder your kids aren't talking to you if you had to select which of your kids applied to these scenarios. Is going straight to hell. Never makes it past pregame. Is down for anything as long as it's drugs. Would have sex with themselves if they could.

Can you imagine playing this with your children? No. Is obsessed with their butt. And destined to be a trophy wife oh my god that's the one i imagined was the one that really got family into a fight like which one of you is destined to be a trophy wife well candace you're only eight but i can already i can already tell your father and i have already had this conversation and we're okay with it we support you at least you're not obsessed with your butt like Jeremy.

So then there's one more sent in by a listener. Thank you so much, because you guys were really helping me with this. This is one sent in by Stephanie, and it's of a game called Cards Against Disney. Uh-oh. Kind of like Cards Against Humanity, but Disney-themed. This is one that I could see people making a mistake and being like, oh, Disney. Especially Disney, exactly.

So this is a review by Magni. It's a four-star review. Fun, very not for kids. Verified purchase. Fun, but very not kid-friendly at all. I thought it might be a bit more like Apples to Apples, and less like Cards Against Humanity. But the first card I pulled was about Ariel licking sailors

so she could taste what semen tasted like. End of review. But I love that it's still a four-star review, so they were like, but it was pretty fun. That's hilarious. Okay, I very much approve of that review. Multiple people found it helpful. A good warning.

Including me, I gotta say. Yes, it's a good warning. Wow. First of all, it's hilarious. Oh my god. Second of all, though, okay, when you listen to that, this is called Cards Against Disney. Yes. And they're like, I thought it would be less like cards against

humanity and it's like but look at the name like it's in the name it's literally a subdivision of cards against humanity like it's in the umbrella of cards against humanity but that that is a i'm glad they gave it four stars i know i'm glad they had fun with the aerial semen cards even if their kids were traumatized for life so now this is kind of a different little version that like sort of kind of rears from the challenge a little bit but it's it's called i've never kids game and it's like never have i ever for kids oh and it's for eight plus and just to give you an idea it's it was the winner of the national parenting center's 2010 seal of approval great for parties fun icebreaker game teens will love it and it's eight plus okay and so the game says things like never have i ever like i don't

know hugged a stranger i don't know why that's the first thing like i don't either come to my head like never have i ever like stayed up past midnight you know just like childlike things okay yeah that's hard hitting so this is a review uh by sharon it is a one-star view and there were not many reviews on here um most of them were positive this one was not in my humble opinion this game is totally inappropriate for children ages 8 to 12. I purchased it for my college-aged daughter, who after looking it over immediately returned it because even she wasn't comfortable with some of the game's requirements. The outside of the box claims that this is the game for teens that like to gab. I feel it's clearly designed for teens who would like to do

a lot more than gab. The game board requires specific actions to be taken whenever you land on certain squares. Here are some of the examples which were clearly not indicated on the outside of the box anywhere. Blow in someone's ear. Tickle the person to your right. Sit on another player's lap for one round. Rub noses with someone. Talk about misleading advertising.

Hopefully I'm not the only prude who thinks this type of game is totally inappropriate for a younger crowd. End of review. That is kind of weird. Eight kids sit on each other's laps for a whole round. I have very mixed feelings about what's happening here and what all those words that you just said to be fair like the examples they gave on the amazon page literally were things like never have i ever eaten two ice creams in a row yeah like that those were like simple examples of things that weren't even like remotely bad and then um the example blow in someone's ear that one i was like that's not so bad but like sitting on another player's lap touching noses at a slumber party it's pretty fucking weird right

it's just teetering on some weird behavior here physical behavior for children anyway um what i find funny though is i think that there's a weird like, I don't know how you would describe it, but how you describe it, but that level of discomfort, maybe between eight and 12. Thank you. There's that discomfort. That's what I was thinking. And then it's more comfortable once you're like in your teenage years. Yeah.

But then once you hit your college age, it goes back to being uncomfortable. She's like, oh, even my college age daughter was uncomfortable. I was like, yeah, I was sitting on her doormate's lap or like some dude blowing in her ear or like tickling her yeah i bet so you're right i think there's definitely a weird line that you have like if eight-year-old little kids are like oh i'm gonna blow in your ear like okay whatever but i think it does get weirder once you're an a grown adult like. Sit on another player's lap is literally a rule in drinking games I've played where I'm like, I don't want to participate in that rule. That's just really uncomfortable. So a lot of the games that were like drinking games that I looked at and parents were like, oh, my God, we play this with the kids and they drink apple juice.

It's so fun. And I'm like, oh, that's nice. I'm sure it could be made cute, like yeah like a family kind of thing yeah i bought it for my college age daughter and even she thought it was well no shit like that is fucking uncomfortable also like if my daughter if my mom bought me a game that literally says for eight-year-olds and teens who like to gab and gave it to me in college. I'd also be uncomfortable for other reasons. Like, mom, I wanted Grand Theft Auto for 10 years and now you're buying me this like teen gab game. Anyway, so that's that. Lots of discomfort. So that's kind of like buying a kid's game for an adult, I guess, technically, but flip the tables. I'm glad you introduced us

to it though you're so welcome now then i obviously like this is actually where i started but i saved it for the for the end this is cards against humanity because i mean you know it has 45 000 reviews on amazon and clearly a lot of um misconceptions i guess you could say the the so you know we have cliches and reviews like i'd give it zero stars if i could yada yada the um cliches i found are i'm no prude but and i know what funny is and this isn't it those were the two like oh my god big ones in one star reviews of like i'm no square i'm no prude but and it's like well okay um i know comedy is subjective but i know what it is i know comedy i am from wichita so

don't even fucking quit my wife tells me i'm such a comedy snob every other week this is the top critical review which technically isn't like i bought it for my kids but i just wanted to give you an idea of what these reviews look like oh please top critical review one One star. Is this what the world has come to? Utterly banal and filthy. My adult son ordered this game? He has free will, but I let my feelings be known. I cry for our human race, for our children. End of review.

Jesus! It's also, I cry for our human race, semicolon, for our children. Holy shit. I just like that she's like my son has free will and can like follow the devil if he worship the devil if he wants sounds like a poem by nick it sounds nothing like a poem by nick nick um yikes no that's that's something i let my feelings be known that's heavy even. Even though he has free will. Yeah, he's an adult with a credit card. I'm sure he can probably... Even though he has free will. Don't worry, people reading this review, I'm biblical.

Yeah. Also, he's not kept in my basement. So he definitely, most definitely has free will. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. Police, look at my reviews. He definitely doesn't need my credit card. Okay.

This is actually a response to a review that i didn't read because it was just like all the other ones that basically said like i bought this game and i ended up we should burn it like i ended up throwing it in the trash and no children should be near this yada yada here's the response to that there are those who use humor as a means to internalize emotion and overcome it it's okay that you don't understand, but it's not okay to fail at researching a product before purchasing and then give it a bad review because of your ignorance. Terrible review, how unfortunate. End of response. I was like, exactly.

Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you need to be a big shithead. Yeah. And it's just like that person who reviewed it on behalf of her son like what yeah you didn't buy it this is not yours you haven't tried it she's like trying to balance the universe because like her son bought this and she needed to like you know this is weird get some more points with the big guy upstairs as they say let's see so this is a this you know this have you played this game called like code words or code names, code names? No, I don't think so.

Okay. I haven't either. It's supposed to be really fun, but this is called like code name overnight or something. It's like the adult version, basically like the dirty version of the game. And, um, it says on the front adults only, but so this review is actually redemption and this is, um, this fits the challenge um accidentally bought for kids but it's a redemption because not everyone who buys something accidentally for their kids has to be a dick about it cool yeah so this is a five-star review by bargler

by who bargler bargler yeah like burglar but bargler yes okay just making sure i'm that idiot consumer who didn't equate adult game with sexually explicit code words. I assumed it was labeled for adults because the game is a little complicated for young minds. Read the description, folks. Leave this one on the shelf for family game night. I do love the original generic name. It really tests players' creativity in a low-tech, easy-to-setup, and easy-to-explain fun game for groups. End of review. Aw, cool. So he's like, you know, and easy to explain fun game for groups. End of review.

Oh, cool. So he's like, you know, I messed up. I'm that guy. But it's still fun. A self-aware person who actually gave the right number of stars. Yeah, and a helpful review. Good job, Bargler. So that is what I have for you today.

I enjoyed that. Oh, good. Me too. Makes me wish that we could see people and play some games. I know, you today. I enjoyed that. Oh, good. Me too. Makes me wish that we could see people and play some games. I know. Me too. I miss games. It's weird, right?

Blaze is always at work, so we're just kind of... Krista was just telling me that she played, like, there's a virtual Settlers of Catan, because she and her friends used to do that. Now that no one can, like, meet up, they tried it. And that's a thing. You know, it's funny. A lot of these amazon pages have updated their descriptions to say how to play on zoom and like they literally have that's

cool yeah they had they were promoting to play um uh i don't think it was cards against humanity but it was one of them and it was like how you can play with family and they had like different windows with like people with cards that's fun that's smart because now every single one of those people has to buy their own board game oh yeah yeah that's true um but i actually thought that was kind of fun so maybe we can do that someday yeah or we can have like a beach to sandy jackbox games night or something oh yeah play with strangers how do we do that how many people can play at once so it's not only like six people yeah but you can have people in the audience who just watch. Oh, okay.

Maybe we can make that a Patreon thing. Yeah. Okay. Wink, wink. We'll figure that out. Cool. All right. So how about we go into revealing our theme and the challenge for next week?

I actually have one ready. Me too. Really? I do. Wow. What a record. So this is actually an email from like right when we started recording oh my god oh i thought you meant like recording no no like today oh today okay got it from ellie uh who says hi

there she for sibs i sent an email previously about reviews of a particularly dislike movie theater in raleigh north carolina where i live, I don't believe y'all have done an episode on craft stores yet. No, we have not. So, they mentioned a specific craft store at Joanne's Fabric. I get their text messages. And I looked it up, and there are plenty of craft stores in Raleigh, North Carolina. So, our theme for next week is craft stores in Raleigh, North Carolina. So, our theme for next week is craft stores in Raleigh, North Carolina. I'm so excited for craft stores.

They've got Michael's, Joanne's Fabric. Hobby Lobby. Hobby Lobby. They do, I checked. I bet they do. I made sure of it. And they have some smaller craft stores, too. So, I think that'll be great.

Huzzah! Okay, I'm super excited. Also, full disclosure. I i'm gonna read this last paragraph ellie says by the way i'm a teen who bravely laughs in the face of your band with every single episode i listen to i've heard and loved them all how dare you yeah um this is your oh god this isn't even a punishment we're like supporting the teens i know this isn't good maybe we should change the rule to tweens tweens no tweens allowed to be breaking a lot of rules on the internet already yeah no tweens allowed it's official all you teens out there you are officially welcome let us tickle

your ears stop it blowing your ears and just don't sit in laughs in anyone's lap okay or alexander's weird card of don't hug a stranger whatever he came up with you know what don't hug a stranger and i count i don't hug me don't touch me this is a pandemic uh so your challenge was sent in by bar no oh my god is there some sort of collusion between you and bargler read my review and I'll give you a solid challenge. Oh my god, he's actually the creator of Codenames and he just really wanted to promote it on the show. No, so this is a challenge sent in by Max, who says they had been on a camping trip, camping road trip. I mean, I don't think this is recent. I think this is a little while ago.

Went on a hike in the middle of nowhere. there were no people around and i had just read a poster about how to avoid cougar attacks uh one bullet said don't hike alone and another said make noise when you hike so you don't surprise a cougar since i was alone i decided to listen to some downloaded episodes of your show so i could get my mind off the cougars and make some noise so thank you oh you're welcome we saved your life thank you we did right you're welcome do we get a medal? I guess we just get a challenge idea. It might be in the mail. Oh, it must be in the mail.

Max, let us know. So this is a challenge sent in by Max. Find a review of a cat cafe by someone who is allergic to cats, which I feel like is pretty solid. Oh, yes. That is amazing. And Max says, love that murder show, too. Thank you, Max. I've never been to a cat cafe.

Me neither. I'd like to to a cat cafe. Me neither. I'd like to change that. Wait, me neither. Why not? Why haven't we? We are not allergic to cats. We like cats. We love cats.

And we've never, and we live in LA. I think we've always been around cats, and we've never felt the need to go be around more cats, maybe? I guess. Also, I don't think I've ever, like, been in a situation where I'm like, oh, look, a cat cafe, and I have time to go there. Good point. I've never, and I've never been invited, never known anyone.

Yeah. Nobody's ever invited us to a cat cafe. What the heck, guys? Invite us to cat cafes. Not now, though, because, you know. Probably not right now. Illness. Anyway, so that's your challenge.

And if anyone has any suggestions for reviews that would help us along the way, let us know. Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, everyone, for listening, and we'll talk to you next week. All right, bye. Bye.