Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 79: Reviews of Water Parks

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, maybe that's the worst part of the episode. We'll let you be the judge. See you in our next show, "Yelper Nightmares!" Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A and to participate in Jackbox Games nights! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. And if you're just joining us, we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard? Well, if he wants to earn cashback on his purchases, he will, and... Oh, hang on. He's at the computer with his card, he's done it. Clicky click magic trick. The clicker around the room. You guys just about finished. Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC cash back master card. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hi, everybody. It's Alex and Christine, your favorite smooth-talking radio hosts here to give you the scoop on water parks. Oh, yeah. We're smooth. Get a scoop of that dirty water.

I'm not smooth today. I think we should come up with a game where we list the grossest things we read that people found in the water at water parks. Honestly, I didn't see many. Oh, okay. I win. Yeah. Oh, God. Are you going gonna have reviews of that uh-huh oh good because yeah i did not have anything no one found anything gross they just like commented on the urine smell that's it okay good cool well should i just start do we have any other announcements you know what no i think i think not i think we should just dive right in oh did you write these down no i'm pretty sure we said that last week too

oh yeah i did say that okay well we're not original or clever or smooth it's still as funny as it was last week so okay whatever good news um this is a review of knots water park so you know knotsott's Berry Farm? The berry farm. Yeah. They apparently have a water park too. Interesting. This is a one-star review by Amanda.

The most annoying thing here is you're not allowed to bring Hawaiian bread in. Also. I was expecting Hawaiian punch. Oh, no. And then it got even weirder with the bread you can bring as much hawaiian punch as you want but no hawaiian bread i'm like picturing them like faking a shark attack with hawaiian punch in the water what the hell would they want why hawaiian bread specifically okay i guess i'll find out i'll let you finish yeah definitely you'll definitely get the satisfying answer i I'm sure.

The most annoying thing here is you're not allowed to bring Hawaiian bread in. Also, they said no meats. Really? Ridiculous. End of review. Yeah, that does not satisfy me one bit. You can't bring cold cuts into Knott's Berry Park. Is it like because of allergy? No, I don't even know. Like gluten. gluten i mean can you just not bring food your food yeah and they probably just bought brought hawaiian bread and ham

i i'd like to think that the next week they come back and bring something else and then they're like oh add this to the list of things we can't bring in. They bring like whole grain. Different types of bread. And they're like, maybe if we go vegan this time, let's bring some tofu in. Okay, my first one is of, okay, let me just tell you, I'm taking you on a freaking journey. Great. With these reviews. But I'm starting at Aquatica Orlando.

So this is the least international one that I have, I believe. This is a one-star review by Anthony. $25 to park? $15 for a tiny locker? You guys should wear a mask like Robin Hood. Express this and express that. More money to spend after paying $70 admission. Multiply that for a family of four equals $320 for a day.

It really is not worth the effort or price. We had more fun back in the hotel pool. End of review. I mean mean i'm no mathematician but i think that math is wrong i'm pretty sure right i'm like that's kind of why i brought it times four because i'm like i read this late last night and i'm like this can't be right they're they're missing they're missing a little bit of money there and it doesn't make sense with the other things they brought up i don't think oh actually maybe it does oh now i feel dumb why they were including the cost of parking in the

the locker oh well fine listen i prefaced by saying i'm not a mathematician and i stand by that i didn't say that so therefore everyone thinks i'm not a mathematician and i stand by that i didn't say that so therefore everyone thinks i'm a mathematician i did i also brought it to the table because i like that they said you guys should wear a mask like robin hood that's the one that i kind of wanted to to go back to um what because they're giving all the money all their proceeds to the poor is that what they're doing at this orlando water park yeah anthony calls is calling himself rich basically and saying that they're stealing from him he's calling himself that giant lion with rings all over his fingers yes yeah and uh so i don't know who this is snake i'll be the snake okay who am i then bonked on the head um you can friar tuck you can be um what about mary marian what's her name

marian the librarian yes the librarian fox isn't there a lady yeah marian the librarian fox oh okay you can be that one okay good she's the coolest one anyway that's what i think okay i'm also going to um orlando i'm going to disney's blizzard beach water park blizzard beach why do you want to go to a water park that has blizzard in the name in florida of all places where there are literal oh wait no there's not i'm like what are you about to say like i swear to god i haven't eaten any food today i think my blood sugar's low listen i'm no geographer break there's a lot of um fields that i don't specialize in so okay um we'll we'll count them all up we'll add them all up meteorology is another one uh i definitely meant hurricane so never mind disney's blizzard beach water park this is a one

star review by tracy be aware when coming to this park after advice from park staff on what area my family were able to sit at with an umbrella and after trying to oh wait i forgot okay i forgot the the subject i forgot we are struggling today this is struggling today. This is a struggle episode, apparently. We'll catch our groove soon, guys. Promise. I'll find my field of specialty. It's not podcasting, apparently. We thought it was.

We thought it was. Back to the drawing board. We're bad at drawing, too, which is the other bummer. So there's really nothing we can win at here. This is a one-star review by Tracy. The subject, because this is on TripAdvisor, the subject is umbrella police. Oh. Yeah.

That strikes fear into my heart. So that does add a lot. I'm glad you included that and went back for it. I forgot to paste it in. So here's the review itself. that and went back for it i forgot to paste it in so here's the review itself be aware when coming to this park after advice from park staff on what area my family were able to sit at with an umbrella and after trying to hire but told we are slow today no need and complimentary towels given from a very nice member of staff settled family down and along comes the Umbrella Police, a.k.a. Derek, who was slapped.

Okay, so it's literally one police, Umbrella Police officer. Yeah, he's the only one. He has a lot on his hands with entire Disney Waterpark. Poor Derek. I know, he's on patrol. And along comes the Umbrella Police, a.k.a. Derek, who was loud and abrupt shouting and using hand gestures to get out the area as I never had a wristband, explained my conversation at the higher desk where I had tried to pay, but Derek told me this conversation did not happen and continued to be loud, drawing attention and causing extreme embarrassment to my family.

Derek then escorted me back to the higher desk, being loud along the way and causing a scene. boarded me back to the higher desk, being loud along the way and causing a scene. Once in the higher desk area, I was yet again shocked when the very nice lady then had amnesia and had forgot our con... Someone needs to find the umbrella ambulance because the lady...

That was so stupid. I'm sorry. Yes, it was. Okay, comedian. That's not your calling either, I guess. Cross it off the list. Okay. When the very nice lady then had amnesia and had forgot our conversation, stating it was a misunderstanding.

There is clearly a training need for the staff at this park on people relations. That's spelled PPL. On people relations and communication. Be aware your long-awaited holiday could be ruined for the day at this park by the staff. End of review. I'm going to be totally honest with you. I have no idea what happened in that review. Oh, me neither.

I'm pretty sure the higher desk, H-I-R-E, was her saying she wanted to rent an umbrella is what I think she was trying to say. And they told her, oh, no, we're slow today. You don't need to rent an umbrella. And then the umbrella police came to say and they told her oh no we're slow today you don't need to have rent an umbrella and then the umbrella police came by and said oh no no that's not true so she needed an umbrella wristband and didn't have it to get into like the umbrella area umbrella zone this is the umbrella zone derrick is the bouncer derrick's the bouncer hey don't belittle him like that. He's a certified cop. He's a certified umbrella officer.

He went through the Umbrella Academy. Oh, that was good. Thank you. Wait, maybe that's your calling. I don't know what it is. But references? TV references? No, you know what?

I'm so bad at those normally. Remember when we had that whole thing about, well, I mean, I know you are normally remember when we had that whole whole thing about well i mean i know you are too but we had that whole thing about uh tim allen and bug related movies yeah well that was my bad i know but i was still sitting there like i have no idea and you know the problem is you always believe me when i say that tim allen was in like mrs doubtfire or whatever the fuck I said. Oh my God. You said too much. Let's just leave it at that. Okay.

My next one is of Wild Wadi Water Park in Dubai. Okay. This is a one-star review by Mr. Traveler. Another mess in Dubai like Legoland. I should sue Wild Waddy for injuring me. I fell over many times when trying to get on the dinghy for the Master Blaster uphill water slides. That's bad, right? Did this also happen at Legoland?

I don't know. I don't know. I'm like wondering how they're connected. Unless there's some sort of like big drama at Legoland that we don't know about. Anyway. I was left with bleeding right elbow and head pains i hit my head on side of water rock display many times that's so funny it's not funny but why do you keep falling over like it's one of those things that i'm reading and I'm like, I shouldn't be laughing because this is really bad. But the way it's presented, like, yeah, I hit my head many times on this same rock. And I kept doing it over and over again.

I mean, it reminds me of the time we kept laughing at the lady at the gym who fell and started crawling on the floor and then called the police or whatever. Like called the police on herself or something. Yeah, it's kind of wild. Sometimes like these reviews where you're like, it's conflicting. You know, there's a level of, I don't know, a deeper level to some of these reviews where you're like, hmm, I don't know how to feel. Maybe look at it. Sometimes it's pretty black and white. Maybe take a little reflection is what I want to say to the reviewer here.

Yeah, reflection when you're finally in the dinghy for the master blaster uphill water slide. Just move aside all the ham you find floating in the water and take a look at your own reflection. Okay, so there's still a couple sentences after Mr. Traveler hit his head many times. Sure. This is how it ends ends there's also not enough

rides for the kids the paint all looks old and outdated end of review he probably got a good view as he tumbled every single time honestly i think that those head pains got to him and he was like oh my god everything looks so outdated but He was probably just transported back to the 1800s in his mind or something. I don't know. Yeah, like an 1800s water park. That makes sense. Oh, my gosh. I hope he's okay.

But also, please don't sue because you kept falling over. Well, I included it because it seemed like he was okay since he finished off the review complaining about paint. Because he has a bloody elbow or whatever yeah oh god people people well alexander this is our view of great wolf lodge in ohio good fucking times yeah did you ever go yeah i went because um i think francisca had a like a birthday party there when she was really little and aust Austin and I got to go along. I remember being so jealous, and now I'm not, but I was at the time. It was fun.

We spent most of the time in the arcade, though. Yeah. But yeah, it was- I don't blame you. Yeah, it seemed like we were a little bit in that weird age range where we could ride a few slides, but then it was like all the kids' stuff wasn't that fun. We're too old for this. Yeah.

Yeah, we were too cool for school basically i mean i'm probably it's probably a good thing i didn't come with you here come the carrots making their way up field followed by the whole wheat bread over to the two dozen eggs sir do you do this every time sorry i've been a little excited ever since i got this bmo toronto fc cashback. Oh, and the broccoli boots are over the line. What a goal! How would you like to pay, sir? Credit, please. Make every purchase a win with the BMO Toronto FC cashback MasterCard

with up to 5% cashback on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. This is a one-star review by Jason. The quality of this place has gone down so much i am truly disappointed from the staff who doesn't seem to care to the customers who have no manners i try to avoid this place like the plague from random people eating my food when i'm off swimming to feces and diapers floating in the kids pool this place stinks end of review and more ways than one that is foul yeah that's pretty gross that's what i thought yeah oh yeah thank you

um i think i have a couple more of those uh in the future so oh god there's more for the in for the running yeah that's not that's one of those things that's like yeah not very surprising like doesn't seem like that would necessarily be made up because yeah yeah yeah people are gross it sucks because it's like could you imagine working there like it's so much worse for the employees than it is for this person like i promise you that i promise you that that like yeah you complain about it but imagine how these employees feel having to deal with that stuff because like these complaints all had to do with other people not even with the the park or the employees or it's just the people who are like leaving diapers

in the pool oh yeah it's foul and then pooping just indiscriminate pooping indiscriminate we said normalized constipation not like normalized pooping in random locations that's that's gonna be our a new spinoff indiscriminate pooping hashtag um normalized constipation oh my god. Those are, this is getting out of hand. Okay. So, my next review is of Area 47. It's like a water slash adventure park. Do you know where it is? No. It's in Austria. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Taking a trip. This is by Peaceman. Two stars. Let the record reflect. I'm holding up the peace sign. Peaceman. Peaceman. The stars. Let the record reflect I'm holding up the peace sign. Peaceman. Peaceman.

The place really has a lot of fun potential, but all bigger activities require pre-booking. And why do I need a helmet and life jacket for water slides and air blobs? That's not an adventure. Maybe I had too high expectations. End of review. adventure maybe i had too high expectations and a review i want to post my on my cool adrenaline junkie instagram about flying on a blob but a helmet makes me look so uncool fucking idiots with their fucking fear i would look so much uncool in a helmet cooler on a blob without a helmet this is right it's just so fucking dumb um but the the owner did respond um and i mean it's

nothing like it's not like a crazy response but i'll read it anyway um their owner said hi peaceman thanks for your evaluation for us safety is above all we want our guests to be safe at all times that's why you need a helmet and life jacket when you slide from 17 meters. What's 17 meters? I was going to look that up. I think it's times time divided by three. Wait, no. What?

I mean, times three. Feet are bigger than feet. Times three, I mean. 55 feet, nine inches. That's pretty fucking high. Well, I mean, that other guy wasn't wearing a helmet. Mr. Traveler. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's true. And look what happened to him. Yeah, a peaceman could learn a thing or two. Just indiscriminate suing everybody, including Legoland. Yeah, and then the rest of the review is explaining why they require pre-bookings because they're just so popular and they need to make sure everyone can enjoy it safely with not too many people. I require pre-bookings, they're just so popular and they like need to make sure everyone can like. Yeah. Enjoy it safely with not too many people. I require pre-bookings too for that same reason. Okay, I have one more of Great Wolf Lodge here.

Oh, thank God. This is a one star review by Maggie. Definitely not a place for Christian families with all the spells and magic everywhere. End of review. What? Did I go the wrong week or something? How did I not see that? I don't know.

But then I saw other places that were like, oh, you take your magic wand and like, so maybe it's a thing. I don't know. What? That's wild. I don't know what spells they're talking about. I know. I'm so curious.

And it doesn't seem very magical to me, but definitely not a place for Christian families or perhaps a lot of families. I would argue for different reasons like feces in the water, but you know. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I love how that's their thing is like witchcraft. That's such an outdate that feels so outdated like satanic panic level it's wild it's fucking ohio like what what do you expect i'm allowed to say that um my next one is of caribbean bay and guess where car Bay is? In the Caribbean? South Korea. Okay.

I was very wrong. Area 47 in Austria, Caribbean Bay in South Korea. Sure. This is a two-star review by Brian. Crowded with long lines, rides run by very young staff members who are often inefficient, was very frustrated to be nannied constantly. Don't go in the wave pool without a life vest. No standing where the waves crash.

Don't get out of the raft into the water after the ride is finished. I've been swimming since I was one and know how to take care of myself in the water. I know a very large number of Koreans are not taught not taught how to swim but you employ lifeguards for a reason the strict rules interfere with the enjoyment of your patrons you need a better balance end of review can you imagine this person is yelling getting out of the raft and they're like please get back in there after like i've been swimming since i was an infant you can't tell me what raft to get in i'm pretty sure i had nightmares about this because i read this at like 4 a.m before falling asleep and i was like yeah i've thought about it because it bothered me so fucking much like what is up with people and the

whole safety thing like just follow the fucking rules and i love how they're like well the south koreans i know that they don't know how to swim it's? Well, and then they say you employ lifeguards for a reason, what, to rescue drowning people? That is not exactly that. That's not exactly the point, necessarily. Like, can you imagine if they're like, oh, let's remove all these rules because we have these young lifeguards who, like, are there for a reason, but it's like a last resort.

Like, you don't want to have to use your lifeguards. That's terrible. um yeah that's bad that's bad news i'm impressed though that she's been swimming since she was one it's weirdly specific oh brian yeah that he's been swimming since he was one i've been swimming since i was like 11 months so i haven't beat by like 30 days yeah but that remember that time you were in south korea and like just swimming under the rafts and they tried to get you out

and you were like, no, no, no. When I was an infant or like now? Yeah, you were 11 months. And they kept trying to tell you to get out and you're like,

I've been swimming since I was 11 months. Mom and dad. This is my first time. Mom and dad wanted to recreate the Nirvana album cover in South Korea. Oh, my God.

Your thing is music references. Mine is movie references. We figured it out. And we're both so bad at both of those. It's amazing how we never knew how good we were at them. Yeah. Amazing. Wow.

I'm learning a lot about myself. Do you think mom and dad know what Nirvana is? No. Absolutely not. amazing wow i'm learning a lot about myself do you think mom and dad know what what nirvana is no absolutely not dad like knows what pink floyd is and that's about the extent of like that era i think for him that those are very different eras okay your music is off the table for you i'm no christina that... I guess I meant that genre, not that era. No, wildly inaccurate again. Like rock. What? Okay, like rock and roll.

Christina, you know, like rock and roll is like the music of the devil, right? And the witchcraft and like... Yes, I do. That's why I know nothing about it. Because I'm a good Christian woman. I can tell. Yeah. Oh, the Pink Floyds and their Nirvanas.

I just meant like that's the only like cool thing he knows. Naked babies. About music. See that baby, the naked baby, the diaper, you know where the diaper is. It's floating in Great Wolf Lodge's pool. Yeah, it's magic. Magical. Magic.

Okay. I think it's your turn okay this is a once okay wait so guess where i went next i went to beach water park of course which is in cincinnati um and where we had plenty of good times as children we really did i miss that it was a fun time i mean looking back reading these reviews i'm like yep this is all accurate but we still had fun. This is the one star by William. This park is nasty. We went on the 4th of July. First time in years cost $28. Our first look was the bathrooms. They were so dirty like they were never cleaned. The smell made me wanting to throw up the lazy river was so dirty with leaves trash elliptin tea bag label stuck to my face wow i just can't it says suck to my face but i'm pretty sure he means stuck i hope i think he was like he's like sucking in he's like sucking in the water and a lipton tea bag got caught in his mouth he's like oh i just wanted some water why did i drink this

water um the smell made me okay the lazy river was so dirty with leaves trash a lipton tea bag label sucked to my face the attitude of some of these working kids is disrespectful and disgraceful and i'm retired military the slushy cups i'm sorry the way that i should know makes it seem like i know what it's like to be that way yeah it seems like he's saying so i've had experience with disrespectful you know what i mean yeah it's weird okay yeah their attitude is so disrespectful and i'm retired military which i get what they're saying but it didn't come out that way special They deserve special treatment, yeah. Yeah. The slushy cups had gotten way smaller, and the price is more. The slushy cups from a couple years ago were double the size.

The wave pool had so much dirt on the walls, it was gross. The park is so much in disarray, we noticed nails sticking out of the wood and many slides closed. The only thing we enjoyed was the zip line. The pizza was also very bland and looked gross. Save your money. Go elsewhere. We are. End of review. Don't go to Great Wolf Lodge. People are going to eat your Save your money. Go elsewhere. We are. End of review.

Don't go to Great Wolf Lodge. People are going to eat your pizza for you. Yeah, that's true. I mean, also, like, you really had me with leaves, trash, and, like, Lipton tea bags sticking to your face. So you don't really need to get into the size of the slushy cups. But I mean, I guess I appreciate the detail. That was so specific.

Like, they knew exactly what they were talking about. They're like, yeah, I've of the slushy cups but i mean i guess i appreciate that was so specific like they knew exactly what they were talking about they're like yeah i've been measuring slushy cups they probably have a blog about it well he's retired military so he wouldn't know that's a good point but um the number of reviews complaining about the young staff being disrespectful so sad um and 14s it was wild the number that said specifically mentioned that they're minimum wage employees and then complaining about their attitude. And it's like, hello, you're hiring someone who wants to work here. I'm like, no one wants to work there. That's the point.

Exactly the point. My God. Like, don't you guys get it? Like, there's a reason. And minimum wage in Ohio is not nothing to write home about. So it's like it is not. People need to just fucking chill chill your grill have some empathy is that possible i just keep picturing him with a tea bag stuck to his face so it's hard for

me to have much empathy but i'll try yeah you you know appreciate you're doing your best okay thank you my next one and my final one is of world Water Park in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Cool. This is a one-star review by Bear. World's largest indoor bathroom. The amount of chlorine added to the water as a method of counteracting all of the urine and other unwanted bodily excreted waste leaves serious doubts as to why anyone don't just go to their local pool or lake for a much cleaner and affordable experience end of review

shivers up the spine um i love a good old bodily excreted waste that i think maybe you do win because that's pretty fucking gross um the wording was pretty bad yeah the wording's bad also like i just know that this is the guy who went with a birthday party and like didn't want to go and was just pissed he had to pay for his kid to get in and then sat there the whole time like why didn't we just go to a lake and all the other parents were like because we don't like live near a lake and he's like yeah but if you went to a lake it would be so much cleaner and there wouldn't be excretions and then no one wanted to talk to him anymore here come all the the tweets about how many lakes are in edmonton i know i'm sure that this guy lives next inside a lake i get it but

did you know edmonton is actually an island in the middle of a large lake oh is it i'm just kidding i was like i don't think that's true but again i'm not a geographer so i don't know yeah um no but yeah it's just wild and this is a whole one sentence too like of course it ends in like six question marks like there were questions in there but also a lot of not questions it also begs the question why didn't you go to a lake like if you're just complaining why doesn't everyone go to a lake well you're clearly attending this exact same water park that's so true you're maybe they're having the same judging people for going to this water park when you're the one at this water park

he's not the source of the excretion so we don't know that we don't know you're right holy shit you know what he's probably just unhappy with the amount of chlorine they use because he didn't want his excretions to be like wasted for lack of a better word yes indiscriminate pooping is all that this guy wants to do and they're fucking pumping chlorine into this water so no one else can appreciate all of his urine so unfortunate for everyone else this is probably our most disgusting episode yet what is going on i don't love it um like we last episode we literally said we mentioned the word constipation at least 10 times and this is 10

times worse this is so much worse because we mentioned that also 10 times but remember we wanted people to feel better that they couldn't go to a water park right now that's a good point so i think it's working we're doing the world of service it's working on me yeah i didn't until you told me and now i feel really pompous and arrogant about it so thanks i feel good about myself you're welcome um this is a one-star review of beach water park. This is my last one by Amanda. When we ordered a pepperoni pizza for $3 extra, it only had one piece in each slice. The lady gave us no napkins, and in the pool with the basketball hoops, there was a paper plate with mustard and pizza grease floating by.

They need a new manager like my son. I'm sorry. i'm sorry i'm sorry this is the most insane sentence i really hope they like included the contact information or like attached resume is attached this is not amanda's son i promise this is amanda they need a new manager spelled wrong like my son all and all pretty fun rides but bad service I'll conclude this by saying bye what okay I like the way they write reviews but it sucks that they're using their power for evil and not for good I'll conclude this by saying bye um that takes that's a whole wasted sentence for my eyes and for your hands to be writing. But, um. I did find a review that someone started with, hi there.

And I was so excited. But it was terrible. Oh my god. Like, it was like a long rant. Oh no. But like, kind of rightfully. It was like a blog. Yeah.

And they were like, hi there. And I'm like, that's a fun way to start a negative review. Yeah, it is so charming so the mustard and on the plate with the pizza grease what does that remind you of the mustard on a plate with the pizza grease reminds me of i don't know a chucky cheese what's it doing it's floating it's floating by reminds me of mom's favorite joke oh my god i thought you were going to talk about nirvana again but this is worse yeah our mother has a favorite joke yes and it's it's called an anti

joke yeah her words okay too late it's so perfect i wouldn't want to ruin it um how do you say it i don't even remember okay the joke goes um my memory if my memory is correct goes oh wow he's already cracking up great a sausage sits on a clothesline as a washing machine flies by yeah that's literally her favorite joke yeah it's like a salami or something is sitting on a clothesline. It changes every time. Yeah, it does. I think salami is, you're right.

I think maybe salami is correct. A salami sitting on a clothesline. And then a washing machine flies by. But you never really get to the end of the sentence because she's laughing already. And so by the time she's in the washing machine, you're like, wait, what? What about a washing machine? But then eventually, through her tears, she explains that the washing machine has little wings. what washing machine but then eventually through her tears she explains that the washing machine has little wings and that's why it's so funny

i think it's because she has an overactive in a good way an overactive imagination she can actually picture this yeah she paints a picture that's so true wow yeah that is her fair joke and you know what uh this is i guess the paper plate with mustard and pizza grease also paints a picture. I was picturing it. I actually was. Yeah, it's like floating by and then I was like, huh, make reminds me of mom picturing a washing machine floating. Yes. I do wonder about this manager like my son, which what? I don't know. Like, is it because maybe maybe her son reads her reviews and she wanted him to have a little boost to his ego which is nice her son writes her reviews and just stuck

that in there in an attempt to get promoted maybe the son is the assistant manager assistant to the manager and so needed a little bit of a boost this this is something he can put on his resume oh look a reviewer mentioned that i should be manager but then he's like well shit it's obvious it's my mom yep that seems pretty accurate um was that a joke an anti-joke you were telling sorry that was me i can't tell one uh yeah you tell them all the time do you think i wonder if her son is like what are you talking about mom i'm like a lawyer and she's like no everywhere i go i just picture you running the place and you would do so much better fucking what is this is this a beach water park again yes yeah she's like no you would do much better he's like yeah i'm sure but like i'm not interested

thanks but son like i put your business card in their little drawing fishbowl. Maybe they'll pick you to be manager. I put it on a plate and slid it into the wave pool. Oh my God. Okay. Well, that's all our water park reviews, right? Yeah. I think it's time for your challenge.

right yeah i think it's time for your challenge well you'll be excited to hear that my challenge reviews are almost like they're so similar because uh my challenge was to find um positive reviews of theme parks where the reviewer in which the reviewer hated the theme or doesn't like the theme theme and so i found you plenty of those uh do you want to give like an example so we know what we're talking about oh sure so for example if someone says um oh i'm going to lego land or i love lego land but i fucking hate legos or something like that um and i did look for lego land and i could not find any so that's why I gave that example I was hoping to find a Legoland I did I found a name I already gave us a negative review of Legoland kind of you did yeah um but that man also had a head injury so I don't know how reliable that was

good point um so this is a review of Orlando's Discovery Cove swim with the dolphins and sharks it's incredible the amount of things in like orlando area i mean it's wild it's its own world truly this is a one-star review of orlando discovery cove by t just to add my two cents which by the way is dollar sign 0.02, just written out properly. Wow. Must be an accountant. Probably. Just to add my two cents, I don't like animals and I don't like the beach,

but I could live at Discovery Cove. We had such a nice day and the park has improved a ton since my last visit 13 years ago. Snacks and drinks were always available and the fresh water was heated. Now I could not do the dolphins or the salt water because it was too cold for me and also like because you apparently hate animals so wow that is a bold statement yeah probably part of it but okay but i know i'm more sensitive than a lot of people when it comes to cold water the cabana is about a 200 upgrade and you don't need it but it was really nice and worth it

for a lot of reasons it's also more reasonable if you book it as part of a photo video package some of the positives include having your own private fluffy fluffy bunny filled with medicine and goo refrigerator awesome cabana guy that brings you drinks and snacks base camp good location and fresh towels end of review there is a lot here can you tell me what that means fluffy fluffy bunny filled with medicine and goo no i cannot okay i googled it and in this fucking forum which is like theme park reviews.com or something um a bunch of people asked what it was and people just kept writing joke answers like here it's a picture of a bunny and there's medicine in it and i was like i literally don't get this reference at

all this is some weird inside joke maybe like we're just not in on i think somebody like i think somebody alluded to the fact that it was like a little locker like a locker with like medicine and the fact that it was like a little locker like a locker with like medicine and goo i like i don't know i really don't know yeah none of this is making sense yeah so i appreciate you trying to make it make sense but it's not working i tried to figure it out that's no i'm glad you googled it but that is fucking weird so at least at least you did your due diligence i did tweeters out there you can don't give a shit. Just tell us the truth. Tell us the real truth.

We can handle it. I do like that this person went to Discovery Cove to swim with dolphins and sharks, but hates animals and hates the beach. Perfect. That's exactly what we were looking for. That is great. Surprising, though, that that is so spot on. And the fact that he loves it so much. It was exactly what we were looking for here with this challenge no no like so negative like literal hatred towards animals and literal love for this place like what um well i have some more

for you this one is a one star of disney world by phil they ruined star wars they babied marvel and about to probably ruin the future of deadpool and a few others so i hate disney but i love disney world end of review wow that was pretty spot on too that was pretty freaking spot on to be fair disney is like such a massive conglomerate it's probably very easy to hate a lot of it, but still love a lot of it too. Yeah. That was definitely an easy one to find. Now, this one is kind of weird. This is a, you know how I like to find reviews that aren't actually really reviews?

Yes. Like forum posts and cool cruisers. Yeah. So this is a report from the Australianralian institute of family studies involving children christina this is way beyond anything we've ever done this is i'm gonna sit up straight hold on excuse me a report from the australian institute of family studies colon involving children in child-safe organizations. Christina, this is not, you're in the wrong show. I don't know what show you want to be in, but we don't do this stuff.

This is from page 43. Christina, what the fuck? What did you get yourself into? I was also up till 3 a.m. I know we were texting. you'll understand maybe we'll find out uh so from page 43 participation affords children and young people opportunities to help i promise it'll make sense i promise it'll make. Okay, I know it will, but we don't take ourselves seriously. And this feels so serious that it makes me uncomfortable.

It was a very official document. I didn't feel like I was allowed to be reading it. I need to take a breath and I'll let you finish. I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay. Adults think they know what kids need to be safe, but I don't think that they do. They base it on what they remember from when they were kids and the world is different now. So they need to talk to kids and find out what it means to them. Okay, now we get it?

Are we on the same page now? So here's the review of SeaWorld by a child who was trying to explain to some grown-ups how he really feels. I don't feel safe at SeaWorld. I don't like people. I don't like bears. I don't like animals. I don't like SeaWorld. I can imagine the parrot being like, okay, yes, you told me to talk to my child,

and this is what they said. This is not helpful to me at all. I don't like bears. I don't like at all i don't like bears i don't like animals i don't like sea world or zoos i hate the zoo and i'm worried the tiger will get out of its cage and it will attack me and i will die and someone will film it and it will be on youtube what i really felt my own anxiety at the end there i was like yeah i know i would hate any of whatever is happening to us right now to be on youtube let alone like my death death by bear

when i was like oh that's sad they think a tiger's gonna attack them but then like the worst part is that it ends up on youtube i was like i guess this report has a point that times have changed and children have different fears for sure i don't like bears and i don't like sea world that's my review of sea world you know what i think a healthy dislike of sea world is a good thing to have yeah i don't know that this is very healthy it seems really like this child has a lot of anxieties that um you know maybe could be quelled by a reassuring grown-up but who knows yeah or maybe the grown-up should be like yeah let's stay far away from sea world world probably probably a good call

yeah i think that's wise i have a review now this is my last one and this is of hershey park oh oh i know okay that's a good one good thought i didn't think thank you very much um there this is actually so before you get excited and now you're mad at me again this is actually a review of a review of hershey park like you know what i i should have expected something like this read a review of hershey park then wrote a review about the review so wait wait it's a review of their own review no a review of someone else's review oh sorry okay got it yeah on this guy's website um and he didn't write his name on it so i don't know his name but i will read it to you this weekend i checked out an article by justin sablich in the new york times

about how to go to a theme park when you hate roller coasters. I only had time to read one section of it at first and was excited to read more. Both Steve and I hate roller coasters and talk about what's going to happen if either of our kids is interested in them. At one time, I thought, I love my sons so much and want them to perceive me as brave that I guess I'll suck it up and ride with them. much and want them to perceive me as brave that I guess I'll suck it up and ride with them. But now I realize maybe it's better just to speak up and say, I don't like them and you'll need a friend or relative to do this with you, but I love you. I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking the feeling of fear and being upfront about it. But then I read the rest of Sablich's review of Hershey Park as a non-coasterhead. I was a little dismayed by his recommended parts

of the park, which included Hershey's Chocolate World, a chocolate lab class at the Hershey Story Museum, whoopie pie, french fries with a cheese dipping sauce, and a restaurant where you can dip anything in chocolate. As a person who fears roller coasters, I wish this article didn't seem to indicate that people who don't like roller coasters are literally candy asses. I am not exactly a bastion of health, but the idea of going to an amusement park and spending the entire day eating chocolate in the sun, no less, doesn't sound much better than going to the amusement park and spending the whole day riding roller coasters. better than going to the amusement park and spending the whole day riding roller coasters? Couldn't Sableish at least for the sake of making coaster haters look cool, offered alternate ideas for how to have fun? How are the games, the people watching? Are there other rides that are enjoyable that are lower to the ground? Anything besides birds that doesn't

involve sticking something in your gob? Anyway, I am glad Sableish provided a rallying cry for us wusses slash perfectly rational people who want to come out of the shadows. But now my job is to get us to look cooler. Maybe we need to start a gang. Okay, I forgot that line. Okay. Maybe we need to start a gang and start attending parks with leather jackets featuring a roller coaster with a big no sign on the back we are more than whoopie pie eating softies end of review that is something i am you know what i'm

glad you included that because that is the dumbest thing i've ever heard he's no candy ass wait so honestly like this guy gave suggestions for what he enjoyed doing at hershey's hershey park and the guys took offense to it which is a literal chocolate themed park like what yeah i imagine i don't know i don't yeah well this guy's just embarrassed because he's like you're making us look uncool and i'm like you know that's not his fault that's not his but when he says now my job is to make us look cooler i'm like well it's clearly working very well for you, sir. I mean, also, if you go to these parks, you're supporting these parks. If you're like anti-roller coaster and you're going to wear a leather jacket that says no roller coasters, why would you go to support these parks and pay them money? I don't understand.

I just never thought it was a big deal. Like, I'm not a huge roller coaster person and like Blaze isn't either. And like, you can still go and whatever and nobody cares like nobody writer said like you can go to hersey park and do so many fun things i think this guy's just more embarrassed that this other this new york times writer suggested that non-coaster heads only want to eat candy because they're big babies i think that's definitely says more about the park than it does about non-coaster heads i think it says more about this fucking guy but yes that guy said too much about himself but um i mean personally i don't care if you like roller coasters or not

but like don't hate on french fries and cheese sauce i mean and like uh chocolate dipping any kind of food item into chocolate i was like you got me hooked there sir um and i don't see why that's so embarrassing but okay yeah i don't know it's embarrassing that you take offensive that someone enjoys eating a little it's a little sad like you have to wear leather jackets to prove that you're um really cool that just usually doesn't work out for the best for people who do that i think unless you're in gree, the movie from with John Travolta. That's like the only time. Anyway, so that's that.

Well, that was great. You like nailed that challenge. Oh, thank you. It was it was not that hard, actually, because you basically just have to type in. But I hate chocolate or but I hate Disney or whatever. And then, um, you know, people present themselves to you.

Yeah. So that's that. That sounds, but it worked. It worked. Okay. I have a slight update here. Okay. I actually,

as, um, I, as I was looking for a challenge, I found this email from McKenna, um, that I had not seen. Um,

who says i found reviews of dollywood by people who don't like dolly parton and i'm just going to read one because i just happened upon this email yeah we're we're recording this soon after that last one so yes that's why we didn't really use any of your emails. Yeah, this was a very, we're recording early for one time in our lives. This is a four-star review by Jocelyn of Dollywood. I surprised myself by having a good time here. I was skeptical because I'm not a fan of Dolly Parton or country slash bluegrass music in general. However, what I found was an amusement park heavy on Appalachian atmosphere, fun rides, and beautiful scenery. I didn't feel overwhelmed by country music, though it was playing in some areas,

as you can imagine. It had enough entertainment to fill up at least four hours if you're zooming through the place. Oh yeah, I'd love to go. I really want to go. It has like a replica of her like childhood home and like a lot like to do with her but yeah like that's what i hear about it it's very like appalachia themed and very just wholesome fun it sounds fun i heard it's really fun this is i have one more sorry because this one's good too this is by cory and it's five stars and this subject is i was scared really i was dreading going here i am not a huge fan of dolly parton and i don't like roller coasters either. Boy was I impressed. There are roller coasters and you do hear Dolly Parton singing over the load speaker

every now and then, but it wasn't overwhelming. And it was a great park. There are some parks for the kiddos to play on and some slower rides for me to go on. We ate lunch in a diner style setting and were serenaded by a quartet of in costume performers singing fifties and sixties music. There are plenty of stores to keep your attention and you must try the fresh cinnamon bread. Wow! There's a train ride. Also, that was pretty cool. Overall, I came in dreading the day and walked out quite fulfilled, ready to recommend the

place to anyone, even those who don't like dolly and roller coasters. Do wear comfortable shoes as I logged about 17,000 steps on the pedometer that day but the good news is that it was awesome exercise. End of reel. Now I really want to go. So thank you McKenna. I know me too. Sorry I haven't seen that before but now

I want to go to Dollywood. Let's do it. Let's freaking go. Oh that would be fun. I'm down. We'll record a little something nice video film a video really fun um now i forgot i have to find a challenge hold on sorry oh you know what i have what oh the jar the candles i have the um the jar from nurse kelly and james i'm i remember their names too but i'm impressed that we both did i i don't know how it just came out of my mouth so easily like we didn't even have to stop to go

look no like and i'm usually terrible at names i literally just remembered it we haven't used the jar in so long great i know i missed the jar okay so should i get my theme first then yes yep so when you think of christmas in japan what do you think of oh um kfc yes yay so the theme for next week is kfc in japan cool okay so for those who don't for those who don't know kfc has become is part of the christmas many families christmas tradition in uh japan um and yeah it's like a whole thing i mean it's wild to us as if anyone like her didn't know that heard me say kfc right exactly but if anyone had heard that and didn't know that they'd probably be like

christine what the fuck kind of like dumb joke is that but it's not joke it's for real yeah it was like the because the first um the first manager of a kfc in japan started like a kfc bucket thing for christmas like and it became a tradition and that guy actually would go on to become the ceo of kfc japan um from 1984 to 2002 no way but yeah and an estimated 3.6 million japanese families eat kfc during the christmas season wow yeah so yeah and they have like all the advertising for it like it's the whole like it's like yeah anyway fascinating stuff so go go look into that but that'll be our theme for next week cool um i have a challenge for you from nurse kelly and james find a review in which the reviewer describes a dream they had oh my god that's hilarious

that's very unique because it's like not it's not about any specific business or content right exactly like who the fuck knows what kind of dreams these people are having oh god yelp yelp reviewer dreams it's like god if we could make a horror movie about yelp yelp nightmares yeah yelp nightmares it's like inception but um with yelpers ew that's even like literally worse. So much worse. Yeah. I guess you can. Nightmares are also obviously included in dreams. So. Perfect.

Sleep thoughts. Sleep. All right. Well, we will see you guys next week. With episode 80. Looking forward to it. Big milestone. All right.

Bye. See you later