Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 83: Zoos in Norway

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but it doesn't take away from the craziness that are these reviews. So be sure to listen to this episode, because it has elks, ducks... everything! If you want to watch Christine mangle Alex's hair LIVE, follow Alex's Twitch channel here: https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer To see a picture of Shanti, go here: https://www.instagram.com/beachtoosandy Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A and to participate in Jackbox Games nights! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. And we're off. Off to the races. Welcome everybody to Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Christine. And my name is Alex. Welcome, welcome. This is episode 83, Zoos in Norway. You know, that really normal thing that people say. That phrase that's, you know, tossed around day to day all the time. What's your favorite attraction? Oh, you know, zoos in Norway. Yeah, have you ever been to a zoo norway that's uh that's its own known tourist attraction yeah yeah that

was it and then my challenge um it was sent in by jen who works at the chicago diner um and jen says find people who are upset that they ate vegan food at a vegan restaurant love it and i gotta say alexander tell me this is this was easy breezy really all of it all of it i like started research last night and i was like i'm gonna be up so late and i was because i was watching queer eye once i had already finished my notes so i was like holy crap that's so weird because i was up late watching bowling for columbine it's kind of like we were watching the same show. Pretty much. Yeah.

The same soundtrack, at least. Oh, God. Well, actually, yeah, the soundtrack was pretty good. Anyway. Yeah. So we, I guess, I mean, listen, I don't know. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah.

You were worried about how hard it would be, but it was surprisingly easy. It was very breezy. Easy breezy. That bothers me. But I'm like, it bothers me that people would complain so much about that. But I look forward in a, I cautiously look forward to what you have to say. Wait, people would complain so much about what? Vegan food.

Oh, the vegan one. Yeah. No, no. It's not quite what you think. I don't think. Oh, okay. And I only have three reviews, but I just, they were so like well-rounded that i was like i think that's enough yeah i think i want to watch queer eyes more what i said but um yeah i i probably should watch that more i mean god yeah i i'm glad i

watched bowling for columbine i'm a little late to the party like i finally watched it but um yeah i think queer i might have been a better choice before. Yeah, probably perhaps. That's okay. Well, I just want to add before we start to that. Alexander is come. He's we're recording this via Skype and, um, Alexander is literally going to be here in 24 hours, less than 24 hours. Thank God.

Cincinnati with me. Yeah. I'm so excited. Yeah. I'm excited too. Um, I'm a little nervous to fly during all of this, but wear my mask. I'll sanitize everything I touch. I'll give you the tips and tricks that I used.

We'll talk. We'll talk. Listen. That sounds good. But yeah, so this is... Oxen, we don't talk enough. Shut up. Anyway, let's get into the episode but

before we actually get into the episode i would like to release a little statement yes a psa if you will a psa if you will so um i would like to say that generally i do not support zoos um i do recognize that some do great things for animal conservation. But instead of going into pros and cons, I would like to quickly talk about three organizations that I support, of many. You know, there are many great organizations out there, but I want to talk about three quickly. And I encourage you to just, yeah, do your research.

Like, that's what it takes sometimes when you're supporting certain organizations is do your research. Some are fantastic and some have problematic practices. take sometimes when you're supporting certain organizations is do your research some are fantastic and some have problematic practices storied past storied past yes um the first one really quick uh i'll go through these pretty quick is the international primate protection league it's in um south carolina i believe i actually adopted a gibbon for the year um so yeah you you can pay to quote unquote adopt a gibbon so I did that did you know I adopt Blaze adopted me an elephant for um my birthday last

year and he just renewed it um Nabulu and she's like I love her and they send me a watercolor every month I'm getting a t-shirt oh hell yeah I don't have a t-shirt yeah of a given that's amazing i don't know what the t-shirt's gonna be honestly it might just be their organization but i don't really care i hope it's one of those all over prints of a given but uh check out their instagram too actually it's really really really really adorable so international primate protection league um the other one another one is born free and right now they actually have this campaign and um i that i donated to and it's um called goodbye to the circus and it's uh they've oh gosh they're rescuing circus lions and they need homes uh and the final thing is um kind of related to

what you just said i made a 50 donation in your name to the elephant sanctuary in tennessee you did not of course because i was like oh i live so much closer to tennessee how do i go to there and with it comes um i don't know if it's transferable but if you donate at least 50 you can um it like gives you the ability to to volunteer there for a day so we'll look into it it's i'm not sure if it's how it works exactly or if they're doing that for covid right now but um yeah of course because i know i know you love uh elephants so much you know and the reason i mean alexander was making this statement i was like that's a great like brilliant idea and he had texted me about it but i just warned is not the right word but i was like hey just like to let you know i

personally made the mistake on and that's why i drink at one point of making okay it was about an elephant who was who had been mistreated uh back in like the 60s or something and i made a comment like fuck zoos or i may I don't know I made some comment like like that about the because I was so upset about the elephant and we had a lot of listeners who were zookeepers I don't know how I there are so many zookeepers that apparently listen so maybe they've transferred here too um but there were so many of them that wrote in like really nicely like nobody was angry but they were like hey just so you know like i'm part of like a huge you know program that's trying to like rehabilitate whatever and i was like yeah you're right like i shouldn't make sweeping statements and generalizations and again like you said do

your research and so i was guilty of not doing that so i think it's a very wise thing that you said i would like to shout out to those people because you don't become a zookeeper unless you love animals and have a love for animals and care for them so well and also like the party lifestyle but of course of course no but you're right and the free food i'm sure i'm sure they get to try all the animals um anyway sorry this has gotten so long because i keep interjecting that's okay no it No, it's good. Good stuff. Um, really quick. I texted you a picture of the, um, Gibbon I adopted. Oh my.

Alex and her. Alex and her. If they don't. That is not what I expected. So not to be mean to my new adopted gibbon uh but the other ones were um a little more photogenic we have to post this can we post it Can't you just post it and say, hey, this is the organization. We'll do it.

Of course. Yeah. It's their latest one. And I don't know how this works. Maybe multiple people can adopt the same gibbon. But I assume so. That's what happened with my elephant. And I pretend like it's not, even though I know that it is.

But this is Shanti. I did it for a full year. Shanti? Shanti. His name means peace. Was born in a laboratory. What? though i know that it is but this is this is shanti i did it for a full year so shanti shanti his name means peace um was born in a laboratory what yeah and was was born in a laboratory for experimental medicine and surgery and primates see see see see cruelty free baby don't even get me started um oh my goodness but look at his little face you guys i don't even know how to explain this to you

you need to just go on our instagram yeah go on our instagram be shoes we'll post a picture of my my new given i don't know uh we'll we'll tag we'll tag the organization so you can follow them um you just like totally blindsided me like that that took me by surprise. I know. I can't wait for all of you to see Shanti. The other ones are like, like they're all cute. I think Shanti is very cute. But the other ones, it's like, there's like Courtney here. Who's like, just, you can't, like I'm trying to show her.

They all look so different. And then, and then you get Shanti who's like. Shanti's just like, well, there. I love Shanti. Okay. I'm so obsessed. I need to, I don't even care if they don't send you a shirt with shanti on it like i have to make that happen um but yeah so anyway i encourage you all to do your research um and unfortunately i did my research on some of these zoos we uh i looked at for in norway and not so great some of the things that they do yeah so i

just want to put that out there and let's get into the episode i guess please let's get funny finally yeah why don't you go first okay so this is a review by randy this is of atlantic sea park um and it is one i don't know what town it was in but but I probably couldn't pronounce it anyway. I was going to say, don't even try. So this is one star by Randy. Years ago, they decided to add me to their emailing list, despite me never having contacted them. And they later sent me so many emails in the space of a few hours that they actually filled and crashed my incoming mail server.

Only when I threatened them with getting a lawyer to write them to take me off their emailing list did they desist from sending my emails then a short time afterwards i started getting emails from them again end of review what okay this is a mystery it is. Randy just, I think Randy probably just keeps signing up by accident and he doesn't realize. Or doesn't know how to click the unsubscribe button. But it seems so, because like, why would they, like, I understand like spammy things, like nefarious organizations that would want to like send you a bunch of emails. How does it behoove them to keep sending Randy these emails until he gets a lawyer involved? Unless there's some sort of mistake with their system.

I don't really know how email servers work. But, and like, I don't know. I don't know. But how he got there is wild that he's never been there or anything. So I... Each email subject says, do not reply. And he replies to every single one stop sending me emails that might be it that's probably what happened poor randy poor randy hopefully it wait what

kind of emails okay like just use also that it crashed is so funny that they sent so many emails in a few hours i'm like what are they doing this what is this like aquarium doing that they're sending so many freaking emails in the span of two hours oh god i mean if you got someone like shanti on board like i guess you need constant updates but true oh i want i want many shanti i'm looking at a picture of shanti right now okay um crash the server shanti crash the server shanti okay so here is a review of uh an aquarium uh a covariate aquarium e bergen oh sure yeah cool this is a three-star review by florian way too expensive for what it is in my opinion the aquarium itself is really nice and interesting but i expected it

to be way bigger based on the price it's's probably normal by Norwegian standards, but I wouldn't advise it as a tourist. End of review. Alexander, what is wrong with people? I've noticed that too. It's everywhere. It's insidious. These English speakers going around and acting like so holier than thou. Like, does Norway have some sort of reputation for having low standards

in aquariums i i just have you heard randy's story i mean that's a very good point that's a very good point i'm i'm planning on making like a documentary series about it because there's already so much drama going on sign me up i'd love to produce that oh yeah i'd love to star in it actually you can play randy and his emails wait i want to play randy's lawyer who's like yeah yeah i want i want a job i want to i want to get in on the action and he's like well the aquarium removed me but then oh wait the other wild thing is that he went back on the list i forgot to to bring that up remember oh yes he started getting more emails i can't get out of that i bet the lawyer like played a prank like let me just put his email back he's like i just want to get paid

he'll keep me on retainer if if they keep doing keep it up so let me just put his email keeping a lawyer on retainer because an aquarium won't stop emailing you um well i i have to because i'm going to be starring as randy in your upcoming documentary i want you to do some method acting and really get you know get in that zone um also just to clarify like i don't i mean i assume you did this too but i went to aquariums because they were listed under the zoo category and i figured they're really similar so yeah oh yeah i love how i started with an aquarium even though it's zoos in norway oh we both did yeah yeah whoops um by the way everyone we did aquariums as well yeah surprise um oops

this is a one-star view by peter of a place called deer parkin sure sorry it's d-y-r-e parkin deer parkin i could tell just by the way you said it that's exactly how it was spelled okay it says this is the title on tripadvisor unfair review okay self-aware yeah self-aware sort of here's a review we didn't get in the queue was backed up onto the freeway and two miles long we figured nothing is worth three hours in line by the looks of it they're standing in line still we left end of review wait what this parking has a two mile long line of cars trying to get in?

Yeah. And also, okay, I have actually a suspicion. Is it like National Deer Parking Day in Norway? Maybe he was at the airport and he just got confused. Is that the name of the airport? Probably like free admission day or something. I see. I have a little suspicion here because he, first of all, he says queue, which, you know, is typically a UK term or British English. But don't they love queuing over there? Yes, yes, yes. Like, isn't that a thing?

Queue it, right? Okay. But then he says two miles. Yes. So I'm like, hold on, sir. Where are you from? What are you doing? You're not going to deer park.

Ask them how much they weigh. Stones? Stones? Perhaps. Where else do they use miles? Do they use it in like South Africa? Like I feel like there's some random country. That like mixes miles and Q.

Liberia. But that's because, well, do you know what the capital of Liberia is? It's Monrovia.ia after um oh president monroe yeah oh yes yes yes yes yes the capital of jabuti is you know that's after president jabuti um but actually oh so the international mile so it's established as part of the blah, blah, blah. Even though everyone thinks Europe has completely converted to the metric system, the United Kingdom still uses miles per hour. And anywhere you go in the UK, you'll see signs in miles per hour. Really?

Wow. Okay, well, I'm ignorant. Surprise, surprise, everyone. Fuel is sold in liters, but car efficiency is measured in miles per gallon. How even? How even? When the weather is cold we use celsius but if the weather is hot we regularly use fahrenheit okay so i thought the u.s was a mess what the hell are you guys doing oh my gosh y'all i didn't know that i didn't know

that well now i feel dumb but um here we are that's so great i had no idea i mean my guess was gonna be that peter didn't know what miles really were. So he said it was two miles long and it could have just been like, you know, eight feet. But I dumped all over your theory. I know you did. And now I just am wondering why Deer Parkin has a two mile long line that he says is three hours of a wait, which sounds like there's been a disaster at Deer Parkin. Yeah. It's probably smart to turn around and not leave a review. That was at their fault, too. three hours of a wait, which sounds like there's been a disaster at Deer Park in, you know,

it's probably smart to turn around and not leave a review. That was at their fault, too. Like, I hate that. Oh, they're so busy. Let me leave a one star review. Literally. And the freaking title is Unfair Review. Oh, yeah.

Wait. God, I forgot about that part. Idiots. The title is literally Unfair Review. So, yeah. Anyway, sorry. Your turn. I spent too much time on Peter.

Far too much time. Okay. Here is a review of Elkton. Elkton. This is like one of those outdoorsy things with elks and moose and stuff. Oh, oh, oh. I have redemption from there later. Cool.

This is a review by Dean. One star. Thought we might see something special during the feeding, but it was just throwing the food in a box and waiting for the moose to come and eat. End of review. Like, what? What do you want? It drives me crazy. What do you want these moose to do?

Like, tricks? Backflip! The fucking moose. Do it! Be inspired by the majesty of the moose instead of... wants to ride the moose i don't know i mean really the amount of people who are like they only let us touch their noses like what do you want to do like literally ride it like the fact that you can pet a moose is humans already automatically they see something larger than them and they want to be on top of that thing.

I think that's just human nature. Yeah, that makes sense. For better or for worse. Actually, just for worse. Worse, yeah. Yeah, so, okay, good. I'm glad you said that because I have redemption later of that place. This is a review of Bergen Aquarium.

And actually, Bergen is where I visited when I went to Norway. No shit. Yeah, it was a cool town. The actual aquarium or just the town? Okay. Not the aquarium. I didn't know. No, I didn't.

No, but we had to sleep on a boat. So that was interesting. It was a very weird week. Okay. We slept on a boat. Was it a ferry? It was a canoe. No, I'm just kidding.

It was like a houseboat, I guess. ferry it was a canoe no i'm just kidding it was a like a a houseboat i guess like it was oh like i wasn't sure if you meant like you were being ferried to norway and you had to sleep on it or like you literally like spent the night on a boat yeah the hotel quote unquote was on a boat or was a boat that's where i found out my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me and I tried to jump off the boat into the fjord. Is that what a fjord is? I don't know. I don't think that's right. But yes.

I thought a fjord was a body of water. No? I don't think so. A long, narrow, deep inlet of the sea between high cliffs, as in Norway. Yeah. It's like two cliffs. Okay. Can you jump into a fjord?ord okay i was also not probably staying in a fjord but i just wanted to this is an educational podcast sounded better to say i wanted to jump

into a fjord than it did i wanted to jump into the still water oh i guess okay i'm sorry i'm sorry i think you're right like it's like we saw a bunch of the grand canyon be considered a fjord well i guess it's not by the ocean probably not i would guess is the grand canyon oh my god a fjord someone else searched it oh difference between a fjord and a canyon a canyon is inland it is either dry or has a river in it a fjord is a tidal inlet between cliffs on the coast i see that makes sense okay so yeah i i it appears i like literally think i was on a fjord for real though okay i don't know what why was a boat on a fjord why not like on the like the fjord is i think like okay fine i was on a i was on water in a boat and i tried to jump off of it and then in a fjord thankfully because i think the fjord

i'm sure it was not on the fjord is like the whole canyon type thing. No, I'm sure it was not on a fjord. I have no idea. All I know is that there were fjords there and we saw them and they were cool. And you wanted to jump into them. Got it. Sure. Moving on.

I didn't want to. Okay. I was led to. Anyway. This is a review of Bergen Aquarium. One star by Bobby. So overpriced spent the afternoon there but was so expensive for what was nothing more than fish tanks which you can see at a pet shop the only thing was the seal baby

the seal lion show was so over the top same thing just each seal repeated it over and over only used two not even all of them wish i could get a refund end of review wow only two of the seal lines were at the seal we're dancing we're dancing for bobby that day i it's terrible when these exploited animals aren't exploited enough for me the baby seal didn't even get involved his fins didn't. Baby seal thought it was too good for me. What the heck? Do you know who I am? How rude.

I'm Bobby. Dance for me, seal. Dance for me. Shanti. Dance for me, Shanti. Shanti. No, you do you, Shanti. I love you, Shanti.

Anyway. I'm looking at Shanti's picture right now. Y'all are going to love Shanti. I cannot wait. I don't think I can even express to you how attached I've quickly become. I think y'all can probably adopt Shanti as well. But there are also other beautiful Gibbons on their site. So yeah, and hopefully we'll see some comments on that post about y'all supporting.

You don't even have to adopt. And there are like monthly options, a six month option, a 12 month option, option which is one i did and then you can just donate separately to their cause but um yeah like we're gonna oh i'm gonna tag their uh the organization's um profile they deserve all the follows i'm liking this new y'all thing is this i mean i noticed you do that on the stream a lot too is this like a gender neutral way yes instead of saying you guys yeah and i still say guys a lot and i have to stop myself yeah i say dudes i was wondering because i've been working on that and i started saying folks because that's what they say on my brother my brother me so it's very easy because it was already in my brain folds um but yeah that's what i was wondering because i was like y'all is something i i had already

would say but um now i'm kind of really trying to force it because yeah on my stream i try to be as inclusive as possible and i do struggle sometimes but we have a special discord um for the stream and on it you can actually put your pronouns in there's a bot that allows you to input your pronouns so that when i'm on stream and someone's talking, I can actually go look up their pronouns. Oh, my God. And then know what pronouns to use. I forget all the time, and I sometimes have to keep looking.

Sometimes I mess up, but I encourage people to correct me. That's really cool. Yeah, it's a fun time. It's hard, too, when you're just looking at a username, and it's harder to, I think, remember a person if you don't have a visual and other things. And it's weird because for some reason, I put gender behind these usernames without even trying to or thinking about it. I'm like, I see a username.

I'm like, I assume this is... Somebody write a dissertation about that. That is so interesting. I'm sure someone already has. And I messed up a lot like my username was sexy butterfly girl 444 and everyone thought i was a girl so i don't know how they figured it out that was not my username my username was literally i'm always crazy so i don't think that like 444 444 there's a z in there but i don't think anybody even gave me so much a thought

let alone thought about my pronouns so anyway back to the fjord back to the my fjord this is of the christiansend zoo um oh it's actually the christiansend deer park wait oh is this the one you're talking about i don't know on tripadvisor it just said i saw different names everywhere i went but this one is like the number one tourist attraction in Norway, attracting close to 1 million visitors each year. How many miles? It has 150 different animal species. What is the line?

The line is about, I want to say, I don't know how many miles, but it was like three hours. Three hours? Okay, that's pretty spot on. It could be the same one. I would say. It has 150 different species, entertainment, shows, amusement park, as well as a separate water park. So it's like a whole thing.

Yeah. They have a problematic history with some of their animals, in my opinion. But this is a fun comedy podcast. So I'm just going to read this review. We all know the problematic history. You know, Peter didn't get in because it was too crowded. Here is a one-star review by Dan. Worst zoo experience I have ever had.

Almost all the animals there are held in huge open territories over which you walk upon the heightened wooden walks. And since their territories are huge, we did not see any of them. Only those who are held in yard-like treeless spaces. The rest of them managed to hide from our sight. It may be very close to nature conditions, and these are the best and most comfortable spaces for animals. But when I come to the zoo, pay 700 plus Norwegian kroner. Kroner?

Kroner? I think so. It's K-R-O-N-E, so I don't know. Kroner? Kroner? Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty sure. And weigh some 50 minutes of walk up and down the hills.

The park is really huge. I expect at least to see some animals. Not just the signs, here lives the pack of wolves, and the forested area where they are supposed to be. The scene goes for puma, wolverine, foxes, and who knows how many more of those animals we did not see. Even lions managed to get to the high ground, not visible from the walking path. Waste of time and money. If you ever thought about visiting that zoo, think again and better go somewhere else. End of review.

You've effectively rendered me speechless, which our audience is very thankful, but it's very rare that that happens. Like, it's so wild to me. Like, I have the opposite view of Zeus, of this person. Like, for them to look around and be like, there's too much too much space for these animals you'd hope so but he even said it he's like he's like well this is their best the best condition for the animals but i paid money to see them suffer it was 700 kroner kroner yeah um i think they say kroner for the plural i don't know um that's 72 us dollars it seems like like that's why also that's why i read the description of it because it is massive there are so many things to do there um it's a whole experience and yeah the fact that it's too they think it's too nice to the animals

um that's fucked it's too that's i really, you rendered me speechless at first because like a review saying they're too good. The conditions are too good for the animals and I don't want them that way is something I'd never expected. I should probably have expected it. But wow, I was blindsided by that. When we were texting about this yesterday, I texted you. Oh, already found one.

This was the one. Like literally the first review I read was this and I was like, oh, already found one. This was the one. Like, literally the first review I read was this. And I was like, holy shit, what a start. Because there were a lot that were like, hey, this is not great. You know, they have these animals and it's really dingy. Oh, sad. It doesn't look like they're taking care. Like, it's really upsetting, kind of like when we did, like, pet stores.

And so this is, like, flipping on its fucking head that whole oh my god i don't even like have anything i want to even attempt to be funny about because i'm just like blown away by this human it's crazy i hope he fucking finds the the murder hornet enclosure and falls in anyway i think i have one more sandy and that's it yeah all i have for negative all i have is a redemption so oh perfect look how's it go okay this is a review of the fuck me okay sonja fjord aquarium sounded pretty good as an expert thank you i've been practicing mentally, not physically. This is a one-star review by NY Traveler. The title is Dark and Scary for Young Children. The aquarium is extremely dark, which for a young child was scary,

and it made for an unpleasant experience. Also, all the signs are in Norwegian. We weren't expecting much with this aquarium, but we were nonetheless disappointed. End of review. Anyway, I just wanted to point that out because the norwegian signs i i know we had the same thing in like j like uh kfc in japan um i almost i almost just said jfk um whoa that was weird kfc in japan but that people are fucking weird about that shit i mean i also i also found out that they literally give you an english guide like a like a physical copy yeah so that you can like walk around and you have an english brochure and guide and he was like but the signs aren't that's not they're in a different language which i'm just like that makes it so much worse because

like it's not like you can't understand what's going on so like a bunch of people responded in other reviews and we're like what like they give you yeah like we have a lot of complaints but like the english is not one of them because they definitely take care of that so oh my god i saw some reviews where people were saying that um like well i saw both sides so there are some where they said i like this one redemption where i didn't use it but they said oh if you don't speak english or norwegian these two and they listed two names like johannes and whatever they speak german if you want to speak german like it was like very nice like oh they're very like good about languages trying to make sure you

understand things and then um but then you'd have those where it's like like oh it's all in norwegian how am i supposed like they the guide doesn't speak in english and all of and most people are tourists here anyway it's like yeah you have those statistics okay yeah this is a tourist trap um yeah i mean to be fair like ny traveler did clarify that it is scary for young children. And, you know, to be around a foreign language that up close and personal must be very traumatizing. It's terrifying. I mean, having to have your brain work so hard. And washed.

To read symbols that you don't understand. Right. I just can't. I feel like NY Traveler, you know, did the right thing by shielding his children. Anyway, redemption. I hope they're okay, all of them. Yeah, let's get into it. I don't think they are, but it's okay.

Why don't you go do another one, redemption, and then I'll do mine. Okay. Because you have two redemptions, right? I do, yes. Perfect. They're both actually redemptions of Elgto or whatever it's called the place with the moose. I wrote Elgton where you can meet moose. So that's literally what I gathered from all the information.

This is a five star view by Kenneth. The subject or sorry, the title is a cozy little place to get close to the Norwegian moose. Don't be mistaken. Mistaken? Yeah, I'm sorry. I was going to try and say that without laughing. That's like if Weird Ellie Yankovic did a parody of Pink's Misunderstood. Oh my god, yeah.

Yep, exactly. So, don't be mistaken. This is not a park because it is just moose to see but if that is what you want that is what you get a couple of hours is plenty to get up close with the norwegian moose feeding time is 10 and 2 and then you also get a chance to pet them good luck good luck wait a second that took a turn don't be mistaken sinner don't be i'm stanking it i'm always stanking you are like pro stanking it all over the place guess what my redemption is of what which one elk tune oh good oh my see this place had some great reviews though like some some very positive reviews it was very easy to go through and it just made me happier because a lot of the zoos were

hard to get through the reviews but this is this was much better so um this is a four-star review by ethan top place this is got it all elks ducks everything informative and fun and i got to feed an elk like they are huge not being funny they're almost like a horse and a cow put together with a reindeer almost looking too tall to be real they prance around on four legs almost looking down on you They prance around on four legs, almost looking down on you. But yet they let you feed it. A humble creature. And that's why I love elks.

And therefore, by extension, elk dune. End of review. What the fuck? What was the line? The line, not trying to be funny? Yeah. It sounds like. Like, they are huge. Not being funny.

Not being funny. Don't be mistaken. It really sounds like those people are friends. Wow. That sounds like something dad would say. Not being funny. Yes, it does. Indeed.

Indeed-y. Also, I love, what is it? Ducks, elks, everything. Everything. Yeah. That is a. And then they said, I've also provided some photos of this excellent place. Got ducks as well as elks at the end.

And they only provided a picture of like a couple ducks. Listen, ducks and elks. That's a comprehensive list if you ask me. And ducks and elks. I mean. Like based on this review, they literally only have ducks and elks. And yet they say they have everything. Also, like the point is like the moose

as far as i can tell from like their everyone i mean well elk tune i assume like hold on that elg is elk in it makes sense yes that makes a whole lot of sense that's what i assumed uh wow okay well i'm just so pleased with that one wait no wait norwegian oh no no no no norwegian elk are called moose in north america ah i thought for a second maybe because i was like he goes on about these elks my my mistake interesting okay so yeah so they must mean the moose we're learning a lot here today like our moose but for them elk oh european sorry you mean the humble creature the humble tall i love that they prance around on four legs. Like, it's just like, I love how they describe the moose's actions. It just makes me so happy.

I love that they describe them as so petite and delicate. And I'm like, have you seen a moose? I've never seen one in person, I don't think. But they're fucking massive. They're huge. Like, horrifyingly massive. I would love to see one in person. They're dangerous, like on the road if they

walk into the road oh my god yeah my friend got not my friend this this person an acquaintance from college grew up in vermont and was driving one night and hit a moose and it like sent her to the hospital totaled her car because the moose it was she went under the moose and then the moose like crushed the top of the car was jesus yeah but they're beautiful humble creatures so don't hit them with your car if you can for everyone's sake yeah okay this is a five-star view of the same place this is by steve excellent what a enjoyable place putting my hands a big moose wow just great we fed the moose and walked with them. What an experience. Well worth the trip. Wow. End of review. Wow. Wait, putting my hand a big moose? Is that what they said? What an enjoyable place, putting my hands a big moose. Wow.

Putting my hands a big moose. Wow. Just great. Love that. Just great. I like that. It's like very stream of conscious. Yeah. It sounds like someone's sleep talking you know putting my james james joyce's uh book on moose love it um wow that's beautiful oxen her thank you let's publish it i'd read it you would read it i know um anyway thank you steve i'm so glad you get to put in your hands a big moose wow just great i would love to put my hands a big moose wow just great same for real as long as he doesn't climb onto all the high enclosures and hide from me because i paid so much money to be here oh my

god i know i'd hate it i hate it if the moose was in its natural habitat and didn't want to be around humans fucking asshole didn't he see me coming looking for him lion get out here where's my lion steak okay oh my god i'm sorry i just assumed that man wants to eat a lion steak something it must be something like that i mean that's for sure the prime audience for like tiger king right prime steak prime rib i think he's the prime audience for, I see what you're saying, yes. I think he's the target audience for a good Joe Exotic situation. Yeah, I think he would watch Tiger King and come out of it with the wrong idea. Yeah, be like, oh, I loved that documentary about how fun it is to play with tiger cubs. Let's get into your challenge shall we please so my challenge this week um was given to me by

alexander but it was sent in by jen who works at the chicago diner which i believe is a vegan restaurant in chicago and jen says find people who are upset that they eat vegan food at a vegan restaurant this is one star uh by a one-star review by Sophie of a place called Sadtha Plant-Based Thai Kitchen in Santa Monica. S-A-T-D-H-A. One star by Sophie. I've never been to a restaurant where they serve tree bark and pass it off as food. I mean, I know it's vegan, but come on. The evening started off in high spirits, and my best friend and I were looking forward to our first vegan Thai dining experience. We began the meal with the miang kham, the coconut, in charred cups, and I am not lying

when I say that it was like eating wood chips wrapped in an even more tasteless leaf. Then came the larb, which is obviously supposed to have some kick to it, as any good larb should. This kick was like the restaurant had heard my opinion of the other food and wanted to poison me. I kindly sent the larb back and asked for the milder version of the dish. When it came, I realized why they had made it taste like venom, because the only taste that was there was a mild vomit taste in the back of my mouth. I am not kidding when I say when it tasted slightly like barf. I strategically hid the rest of the food in some coconut broth because I'm a wuss and didn't want to make a big deal or be rude to the waiters by not having eaten anything. Then the pad thai came out and I can honestly say that it was the least threatening dish in the meal.

I was proud to say that I actually was able to eat this one. Although I did get some of the sauce in my eye for some reason and let- Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Now I feel like that invalidated this entire review. If you're eating this in such a way that it

ends up in your eye, I think you're just eating wrong. They're like, that's not how you eat. I don't know if that was possible but i don't either although i did get some of the sauce in my eye for some reason and let me just tell you curry in your eye is not the best sensation after this whole experience my friend and i left the bill and drove to cafe gratitude all i can say is that this meal made me sad which is like the name of the restaurant yeah do you know that i didn't get that until i said the restaurant aloud to you and i went oh how stupid um yeah so

there's that but see okay so that's what i was gonna say to you is all of the ones where they were angry about eating vegan they were typically vegans who were just angry about the vegan food not being good vegan food because cafe gratitude is a another vegan chain i do like cafe gratitude um i've eaten there apparently they serve a lot of honey a lot of honey yeah at cafe gratitude i think it was cafe one of those huge vegan places in la i don't remember which one really i thought it was it says in addition to vegan food honey is served with some options. Okay.

Yeah. So I saw the menu, but there's like several dishes that have honey in it. Yeah. It's like listed, but it's not like listed as not vegan. Can I tell you about the run-in I had with a pharmacist? Oh, geez. What? I went, so I doubled up my, so I had a appointment with my psychiatrist, doubling my antidepressants.

Because you're coming to Cincinnati. Because I'm coming to Cincinnati. I'm trying to, I want to double my antidepressants. Dab. Okay. Dab. And then I went to go pick it up and I was in a mood. So I bought, or I went up to the pharmacy with my items, which were Twizzlers, Mike and Ike's, chocolate, and plain Cheerios.

And I'm like, this is my life. This is what I'm eating for dinner. I was in a mood. I'm not. Listen, I have the farthest thing from judging you right now. Well, the guy's like, oh, you like plain Cheerios? And I'm like, what? I'm like, better than the honey nut ones and I'm like oh

well I'm vegan so I don't eat honey and he's like why not I'm like because honey is not vegan I'm like it's an animal product and I so I was like whatever and then um yeah you know I just answered his question and then he was like oh boy it felt really tense so I was like but i sweeten it anyway because i i use agave syrup he's like well that's just as bad wow and i'm like whoa like what and i was like well it's just agave syrup and um the guy's like well and i'm like what the hell is he talking about he's like well he started like lecturing me on beekeeping and stuff and i'm like what the hell dude like i'm trying to start an argument like hello i'm just here to buy my garbage. And he was like, oh, no, this is what happened. Sorry, I forgot to say this. The most important part was he was like, that's just as

bad like about me sweetening it. And I'm like, I told him I was like, I'm buying Mike and Ike's, I'm buying chocolate, I'm buying Twizzlers while I'm picking up my antidepressants. I'm not in the best place right now. I literally told him that like straight up my antidepressants i am not in the best place right now i literally told him that like straight up i was like i'm not in the best place right now and then he started that right after that is when he started arguing with me about beekeeping and i'm like he's like i sense a weakness in that you're altering your uh your meds let me just get in here and fucking destroy you it was the first time they never they didn't ask me if i like wanted to or if i had any questions about my medication or stuff. The guy was just like only talking about the beekeeping.

It was bizarre. Anyway, sorry. Maybe he's a weird. It's just like so random that it came to that because it's not like he saw it and went, oh, do you not eat honey? Well, I have an opinion on bees. You know, it wasn't like you had an agenda. It seems like it seems like he just somehow stumbled into this weird argument. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. No, and I literally wasn't even being preachy. I was just saying the reason I don't eat Honey Nut Cheerios is because I am vegan. And he didn't get it, so I explained it. Right. And it's not even any of his business, A. And B, like, he's a pharmacist. Okay, it's just so over the line in so many ways.

And also, it's L.A. Like. I know. I was shocked. I was like. Like, that's like the least weird diet in so many ways and also it's la like it's i know i was shocked i was like like that's like the least weird diet in la is being vegan like there's a lot of other crazier shit you could try and explain to a pharmacist yeah you're literally picking up your antidepressants and he's like oh you shouldn't eat that and you should eat that and i just like don't judge me on my my garbage diet right now i gotta say blaze and i were just talking stress eat yeah and then what the fuck like literally that's what i did i went back and i was so upset i'm like i

literally finished a box of mike and ike's and bag of chris at night i felt so bad i woke up the next morning and i was like can i just are you up can i talk to you about the pharmacist and i was like what and i was like what happened at the pharmacy something bad must have happened it's okay i felt better once i ate an entire box of mike and ike's for dinner anyway anyway sorry for that rant no no i actually was just talking to blaze about like inappropriate because he had a weird experience at the bank i'm telling this because i feel like this is a podcast about you know um interactions with customers and you know etc and i'm just gonna pretend like that's

perfect reason for me to tell my anecdote and guess what i didn't leave a one-star review and i wait exactly it's like yeah i was just talking to blaze about this and he had a weird experience at the bank and i was like you know what i remember one time i went to the bank in la and i was depositing a check and the guy just goes huh and i was like is there something wrong he's like what do you do for a living? And I was like, why? And he's like, well, I'm just like looking at your funds and like, I'm just curious where these are like coming from.

And it was because we had just gone to like done a whole tour. So Em and I, before we like had people actually helping us with money, I would just carry around a giant thing of checks to like that the comedy club would give us and then i'd deposit it so i'm like depositing these checks from like months of touring so it's like you know it's so inappropriate and he's like well what do you do and i was like and there were so many people around and i didn't know what to say i just was like and he's like holding my checks and i was like i literally don't know what to say and i was like oh i just uh you know i host a podcast and he's like what so and then he, you know, I host a podcast. And he's like, what?

So and then he like put them down and started a conversation. And I was like, this is so wild. Anyway, it wasn't even like it just pissed me off. Whatever. Well, yeah, that's not very appropriate at all. But I have a hero badge. Maybe we should start doing a segment. I have a trophy, a metaphorical trophy to give to a manager

at chipotle because i it's i'm not even going to go into it alexander already knows the story but i was like basically verbally assaulted for lack of a better term by this man in a chipotle parking lot because of my black lives matter sticker and because I was just walking to my car and he decided, you know, he was like so aggressive and scary that I went inside and I was like, I've never in my life asked to speak to a manager ever for any reason. And I was like, can I speak to a manager? And then like the guy, his face, and I was like, no, no, no, it's not like anything you guys did. I didn't want to be like a Karen, you know, the manager came over. was like hey i just don't feel safe for some of your employees um with this guy outside like ranting and screaming and

being aggressive whatever whatever and the guy's like i'll take care of it i'm so sorry like blah blah and then he kicked the guy out which also caused him to like follow me around and scream but whatever he kicked the guy off the premises of the chipotle and then he came in and said you can't fix stupid but i hope he didn't ruin your day and i was like oh thank you so i just felt very um i just was very thankful to that shout out to that chipotle five star manager shout out to all the managers out there dealing with the bullshit going on right now like honestly there's so much bullshit i felt i was like oh god now that guy has to go talk to this man like yeah but good for him um anyway sorry that whole thing is on twitter if anyone needs more details okay finally not finally i have two more so this is a review of

a place called the hog town vegan oh and this is a one-star review by what what does that mean hog town what's hog town i think it's in a georgia somewhere i don't really know because my my my stream we call ourselves the hog pen because we're oh we love hedgehogs so right right right we should go there i should go there hog town you should one star by bill just looking at the pictures i can tell this place is for posers people who want to be vegan but not at a cost obviously no vegan worth their salt is going to be making this a regular place to eat as it's obviously unhealthy end of review excuse me like you've never even been wait wait wait so they're saying like you should if you want to be

vegan you have to spend more money no no so he's saying this plays in for real vegans because it's unhealthy food because they have like vegan fries and like yeah you know stuff that's not necessarily like salad or literally my life though i mean you just talked about i'm vegan and i i eat oreos and right twizzlers and i it's constantly gross gross things so many options oh my god yeah it's so easy to eat garbage as a vegan but yeah it doesn't it doesn't make you healthier just like being vegetarian doesn't make you healthier automatically exactly but like i just love that he he's looking around for photos of restaurants and like then that's giving them reviews isn't it i hate that attitude um i wish i i should have saved his i'm gonna go find his profile later and like see if this is like a regular pattern but um what was he saying about

spending money oh he's saying people who want to be vegan but not at a cost so like they want to be people who like pose are vegans who like don't want to give up too much they still want to eat junk food or whatever which i'm like what no it makes absolutely no sense um also i just want to clarify that he said just looking at the pictures i can tell this place is for posers and he's not posers p-o-s-e-u-r-s posers oh no that makes it 10 times worse oh no okay i just i can tell this place for posers okay let's move on this is making me feel bad i just was surprised because i like you thought it was going to be a bunch of like but honestly because i searched one of the phrases i searched maybe this will make you feel better

about the world but one of the phrases i searched was, I know it's vegan, but. And so I was like, maybe that'll. And that's how I found some of these. But most of them, when I wrote that, they'd be like, I know it's vegan. But like this barbecue, like pulled pork, quote unquote, sandwich is like my favorite in all of Nashville or whatever. You know, so it was like a lot of them were like, I not a vegan but this is my favorite restaurant whatever whatever so i thought that was comforting that it wasn't just people complaining about good good good other people being vegan just vegans apparently bill well just bill just bill okay now so this is like different okay i

was like oh last week some people helped sandy out with his challenge so I was like maybe we got some emails well we didn't um but that is not your guys's job so I'm teasing you you don't need to help me with my challenge um plus this one was not that hard but I did search vegan to see what would come up and I saw um a an email from Jeff and Sarah that says a vegan friendly COVID-19 review and I was like what's this um and I thought it fit the theme um Jeff and Sarah that says a vegan friendly COVID-19 review and I was like what's this and I thought it fit the theme Jeff and Sarah say hey pals oh h i o hope you're staying safe I saw the screenshot of a review and honestly can't stop laughing is it because it's 1 45 a.m in Ohio is it because I'm stressed about my employment during this madness who knows either way I hope it gives you a wholehearted chuckle i found the review off kroger click list customers facebook group so this is one that was circulating that

i'm sure you've seen that like was circulating big time a couple months ago um doesn't sound familiar you'll you'll know it i think once i start reading it but the point is um there's this thing called kroger click list where i guess it's like uh pickup and delivery for kroger groceries basically so like instacart yeah so there's apparently a customer's facebook group for click list um and so there's a screenshot they sent and uh i saw it a bunch of times uh sent in on social media and stuff so thank you to everybody uh and then jeff and sarah say anyway love the podcast thanks for making us laugh during tough times i wanted to like this podcast but i'd give it a thousand stars if i could from your wonderful ohio fans jeff and sarah thanks jeff and sarah

this is like a a screenshot of it seems to be like an excel sheet where you or like a form results where you fill out like satisfied highly satisfied rate your experience or whatever and this one selected there's the options are highly satisfied and not highly satisfied so this person selected not highly satisfied and then they says why not highly satisfied and here is the review i ordered one pound of green beans do you remember i do remember this of course it just like it's one of those things that we never read on air and i like it made me laugh so much we haven't yet because that's something we have seen a lot but it's one of those things that we never read on air and i like it made me laugh so much we haven't yet because that's something we have seen a lot but it's so fucking perfect

oh continue i ordered one pound of green beans i received one green bean this is honestly the most hilarious thing the entertainment value of seeing one sad, lonely green bean in a large produce bag more than makes up for the lack of remaining green beans. Note, on the website, green beans are added by the pound. Even though my order contained one pound of green beans, my receipt shows I was only charged for 0.01 pounds of green beans. Presumably the weight of exactly one green bean, for total of two cents so i did pay a very fair price for my single green bean i have remaining questions who filled this order was the pound

unit absent or did they really think a customer wanted a click list employee to painstakingly pick out a single green bean for them what kind of sociopath would order one green bean did you consider calling the police on that person obviously i don't expect answers to all of these but they are honest questions i have end of review oh my god that's amazing i love that review so much i like that the way they presented it is so perfect i like that they just think it's hilarious which is like i mean getting one green oh my god and making the realization of like that they just think it's hilarious, which is like, I mean, getting one green. Oh, my God. And making the realization of like, oh, they thought I meant one green bean.

Yeah, I did that too, though, where like I was I wanted to get a bunch of bananas, like one. But my brain wasn't working. So I just did one. So it like showed up all like wrapped in plastic, just a single banana. Like when I got it was just yeah yeah but um i also oh i recently ordered from postmates and something went wrong like i filled out my order and submitted it then i got a call while the driver uh delivery driver was at the restaurant and was like hey um what can you confirm what you ordered and i told him and he was like, Hey, um, what, can you confirm what you ordered? And I told him and he

was like, he told the people there and they're like, he's got to check his thing. This is what we got. It's like, yeah, they're saying that you only ordered a side of sauce, literally like 50 cents worth of sauce. And I checked my postmates. Sure enough, it was just 50 cents of sauce. And like, I don't know what happened but like it must have just the cart didn't update properly or something and the person was like yeah i don't know what to do like unfortunately like you have to resubmit the giovanni hi buddy um sorry he keeps crying and i didn't know how to shut him up so he just jumped on the chair with me um so oh hi buddy can you see me geo he can't hear you because he can't hear me but he's gonna see you tomorrow i'll see him tomorrow i'm so excited okay um

anyway so yeah and the guy called me and was like really apologetic i'm like obviously this isn't your fault this is my fault and he was like well i don't want to just deliver you a thing of sauce i'm like yeah don't even bother. Just mark it. Can you, I was like, can you just mark the delivery as complete? And he was like, are you sure? Are you sure? I'm like, yeah.

I'm like, don't bring it to me. Don't bring me like a thing. I don't, I'll just reorder it and have another driver get it. And then he was like, okay, but don't tip me. Don't tip me. I'm like, of course I tipped him because he went to that restaurant for nothing. Like, so yeah. So I gave him a tip and just let it go. But that's wild.

It was just a dumb thing on my end. I probably should have double checked. But anyway, so weird things happen like that. But I'm glad that person had a sense of humor about it. I was going to say, I'm glad the one green bean thing happened to a very good writer who also has a great sense of humor, like you said. Exactly. I bet that kind of stuff happens to so many people that just get so worked up

and mad about it. Like, yes, people suck. Oh, anyway. So that's the, that's a,

I know the third one, like wasn't really about, no, I liked it. We needed to hear that one. We needed to hear that one. I Googled or I searched vegan and that came up and it made me laugh. So thank you,

Jeff and Sarah, and also everyone else who posted that on our Facebook group, facebook group um and yeah so that's that's what i got all you poseurs maybe we'll call you that from now on yeah all you poseurs that's that's what you are isn't that the worst i hate it i hate it so much um anyway do you have a theme for me i will in 30 seconds perfect all righty we are traveling south of norway and we are headed we're taking the fjord all the way taking the fjord all the way down to the canals of italy not venice specifically but i will say i mean you know how I like to float around like a log? I made my way to Italy floating around like a leathered log. Disgusting. Hopefully they clean up their canals and get rid of you.

So we are doing historic sites in Italy. So that'll include whatever, Colosseum, Pantheon. I'm listing only things in rome but um you get it the canals st peter's basilica whatever exciting this is very exciting yeah so i'm uh pompeii oh fuck i'm i'm quite amped for this me too okay so this is gonna be a big one but uh yeah oh and this is one we be a big one but uh yeah oh and this is one we're going to record in person hopefully yeah so that'll be fun yes okay perfect um now i have a challenge for you xandy and this is just one i like last week just invented in my

own head so i hope it's okay but it is find a review where someone literally asks to speak to the manager in the review okay does that work so like you're saying that they say like they're like i need to speak to a manager through the review through the review okay cool cool so they're not like i asked for a manager they want the review to reach the manager yes love it yes they're uh asking to speak to the manager via their review got it okay does that make sense like saying manager contact me kind of thing yeah yeah yeah cool like yes that works okay good i hope that might bring about some interesting karen karen is oh my absolutely we'll see all righty um anyway that's all that's all thanks for thanks for sticking through this episode we had a lot of uh sidebars wow we had a lot of tangents please don't rate us based on

just this one episode um i promise sometimes we're more on track so go watch my hair being cut and we're gonna raise some money also for charity that's kind of part of the plan um so check it out also can it just be for shanti yes it's money for shanti we're raising money for shanti also go look at shanti because like you deserve to brighten your day yeah after having listened to this beach to sandy on twitter instagram and facebook and uh yeah to see shanti shanti's the best all right see you later sandy i'll see you at the fj'll see you at the fjord. See you at the fjord.