Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 87: Cowboy Boots in Texas

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a nonprofit agency that promotes justice by providing free and low-cost legal services to underserved immigrant children, families, and refugees.  Get 15% off your merch order with coupon code TOOSANDY now! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. You don't have to struggle alone. Get free confidential mental health and substance use support at canada.ca slash mental health. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988. A message from the Government of Canada. Important message. Do you like Beach Too Sandy? Water Too Wet? Yes. Do you like merchandise? Yep, yep, yep. Do you like good deals? Yes, yes. Well, guess what? What? We are offering a discount on our merch store. 15% off until August 9th. Back to school. Back to school. It's our back to school sale. Go to bit.ly slash beach to sandy merch and use coupon code to sandy for 15% off your order. That's bit.ly slash beach to sandy merch and use promo code to sandy t o s a n d y for 15% off your order. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think.

Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Greetings and welcome to episode 87 of Beach You Sandy Water Tuat, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion i'm oh i'm playing fallout boy hold on sorry that was weird that's really weird i was like oh we're doing some sort of intro like i am i felt like fanfare because what i was about to say is i am sibling number one christine and then the fanfare began. I thought you would set it up for me that way. I'm sibling number one, Christine. I'm sibling number two, Alex. Welcome.

Welcome to the arena. We are here to read reviews for you today. to read reviews for you today. You know, initially, I thought I was being very clever and hilarious picking this week's theme. And, you know, on second thought, I really didn't put much thought into the decision to cover jails in Texas. And some lovely listeners were very kind and respectful and wrote in to say, hey, maybe let's rethink that theme that Christine so delicately chose in the midst of a climate that's maybe not great to discuss, to joke about jails. And so for that very reason, we have changed the theme. And I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for picking such a tone-deaf topic last week. I mean, as would I. It was a joint decision, too, because I was like, oh, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

I felt a little bit ignorant and embarrassed, so I apologize about that. Yeah, so we actually decided to donate to the RACES, so R-A-I-C-E-S, bond fund. Its full name is the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services. And I believe that's a Texas-based bail fund. Yes, it's specifically the Texas Bail Fund. And their mission is, and I'll quote from their website, We defend the rights of immigrants and refugees, empower individuals, families,, and communities and advocate for liberty and justice. So, yeah, we thought that it would be right for us to donate our money to them and encourage you all to do the same.

So in the description of this episode, you'll see a link to donate to their fund. And, yeah, if you have the means, we encourage you to do so. And mea culpa. Yeah. I'm glad that, you know, people wrote in and reflect on it and realize that it wasn't the best move. But I'm also excited for this theme that we came up with. This is all for the best because Alexander came up with quite a hilarious theme for this week. We're picking, we're staying with Texas, so don't you fret if you were preparing for a Texas episode. You've got arguably even more of a Texas episode than originally planned.

So, Alexander, what is the theme? The theme, if you can't tell by the title, is cowboy boots. Cowboy boots. I think that's what we're titling, right? Just cowboy boots in Texas. Like not even cowboy boots stores. Actually, what I wrote is episode 87, cowboy boots in Texas, dot, dot, dot, not jails. So that's my really catchy slogan for the week.

And so that's what we did. And I thought that was a really fun one. And my challenge this week stayed the same. It was to find a review of a dog park where the owners were the problem not the dogs and that was sent in by victoria so i also had a good time with that oh good so yeah let's get into the cowboy boots um there are plenty of different like western wear boutiques what like mom and pop type stores chains and then there are the warehouses warehouses yes and like outlets there's all sorts of stuff this is so fun this is a review of cavender's boot city in amarillo texas this

is a one-star review by ginger bad really really bad we stayed in there one hour and 10 minutes and not the first person asked if we needed help. I guess it was because we were not Mexican or some other kind of foreigner, because they sure were helping them, even some that came in after us. So y'all could kiss my ass. We will never stop at another one of these stores, so leave me alone, assholes. End of review. That took a turn from why are you not talking to me to leave me alone

assholes i know it went real quick it's like as if they're like bothering you i that's a new one because i did read a lot of people that were pretty upsetting personally to read that were like hey i don't look like your typical like american texan and i felt like they kind of ignored me yeah and then this person's like oh I look too Texan and too white and so they ignored me it wasn't foreign it wasn't foreign enough that's a new one that's a new one yeah well yeah hey gotta gotta be the victim gotta be the victim gotta find a way gotta find a way okay I actually went to the same store however i went to three different locations and i didn't write which one was which because um they were all had pretty similar uh vibes they were all over the place too those cavenders right there was one in san

antonio one in austin one in dallas so this is the one i think in austin this is three stars by mike since i am moving to texas i thought I would look for some boots and a cowboy hat. When I walked in, I was shocked at the size of the store. It was like a Western Walmart. Boots, hats, Western clothes, Western home furnishings, they have it all. The only complaint I have is the clothes aren't fat people friendly. Unless you are skinny, you aren't getting clothes here. The employees are not very helpful either. Maybe it's because I'm fat. Maybe they knew I couldn't buy anything, so they just didn't bother with me. Only one employee, his name was Chuck, talked to me and

did his best to answer my questions. If it were in my power, I would give Chuck a raise and hold him as an example to the other employees of this establishment on how to treat a customer. Maybe I will spend some time on the treadmill so I can fit in their clothes, but the only one I will talk to is Chuck. End of review. Oh no, that was all sorts of things. Okay. Um, so wait, but I'm so confused. confused complaining about people not helping and yet chuck apparently is like the light of this person's life chuck kind of stepped through when everyone else failed him chuck stepped chuck stepped up got it to save the day i'm picturing this this reviewer feeling like some sort of royalty and expecting like everyone like following around taking measurements and like being super

helpful right but only instead only got chuck chuck chuck ran up with his measuring tape and his pins and needles and started uh measuring yeah so um poor mike i just like don't get that michael just never forget michael never forget chuck and neither will I. Yeah, it's like I could I could see Michael like reach out to Chuck and like, hey, everything about opening your own store. Like maybe you could do that so I could only see you and not talk to your your fellow employees. In fact, I I'll invest actually. Chuck's like, Chuck, I'll invest. This is just my day job.

Like I'm this is hopefully temporary. Please. I just picture Mike on the treadmill just thinking about Chuck and all the service he's going to get from Chuck once he's finally gotten to the goal weight that he wants to get to fit into those Western clothes. Good for Mike. We want Mike feeling good. We want Mike feeling good. And if the motivation is Chuck, then hey, more power to him.

good and if the motivation is chuck then hey more power to them all right my next one is of cowgirl kim western wear boutique in fredericksburg texas christina let me can i tell you really quick what is this i know can i tell you really quick how i found these um reviews yes i googled small town like small quaint towns in texas and then google like found a list of 15 and then googled cowboy boots in and then typed in like frederick spur texas so it'd be like these weird small like mom and pop kind of boutique things dang that's so wise this is linda's review of cowgirl kim western wear boutique in frederick spur texas one star bring back the real cowgirl kim these low-life wannabes are shaming her name style and quality of clothes have gone down significantly so sad end of review who's the real cowgirl who could the real cowgirl Kim please stand up?

Please stand up. Please stand up. Can you put Eminem in the background? Nope. I will not. I'm the real cowboy. What is it? Cowgirl Kim.

I'm cowboy cowgirl Kim. How does that song go? No, we're not doing this. Okay, fine. Where are they? No, we're not doing this. Okay, fine. Where are they keeping her, Alexander? I know. It seems so sinister that these low-life wannabes. Like, could you? Okay, and this place has 11 total reviews.

Like, it is not a big place. That's very sad. 11 total reviews. Someone comes in. They're calling them low-life wannabes for trying to take cowgirl kim's name like what is this weird small town feud going on that we stumbled upon i really want to learn more if you know if you out there know anything about this small town feud i'd really like to get involved cowgirl kim if you're listening we'd love to hear

your side we'd love to call tlc and get involved. We can do, oh gosh, what's that old game show that they had where they had three people pretending to be the same person? That's a thing again. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, shit. I was just watching it with Blaze on our road trip. While driving?

No. No, we were playing it while driving. Oh, God. The real cowgirl Kim stand up. You, Gio, and Juniper were like, Blaze, which one's the real Juniper? Ask us questions. And he's like, please, we only have two more hours. Just leave me alone.

Okay, it's called To Tell the Truth. To Tell the Truth. Yes. It's currently hosted by Anthony Anderson. And his mom shows up a lot. It's really sweet. sweet okay i love his mom in that t-mobile commercial yes she's so funny i think her name's doris if i remember correctly and she is like one of the judges or at least she sits there and watches it's very funny how cute um did you know there was a serial killer on yes okay anyway it wasn't not no that was on um that was

a different game show that was the uh dating game or whatever no no that was rodney alcala but edward edward wayne edwards was on to tell the truth oh listen i got that i was like how did you mess this up i tell you there are two uh two genres i have expertise in one is serial killers and one is game shows and somehow the Venn diagram has collided. I was like thinking as I was saying that, I'm like, there's no way I know this better than her. Oh, no, no, no. But I corrected you anyway. I do appreciate you trying, though.

But wow, I didn't know that, that there was a serial killer on that show. Is there footage of that one? Yes, there is. I'll have to watch that because the other one is fucking creepy. If you listen to the, it's a podcast called The Clearing. And they talk about uh the daughter april who who kind of figures out that her dad was a serial killer and um kind of she does all the investigative stuff herself and she's the daughter so it's

like really fascinating oh wait is that the same oh my god yes her dad was on okay all of this is connected okay i need to yeah i'm behind and they believe he might be, he is from Ohio too, and they believe he is one of the suspects of being the Zodiac, the suspected Zodiac killer. Holy shit, okay. Yeah, anyway, he was on the show to be as like, oh, I'm a reformed convict who has written like a book about becoming reformed and yada yada. And they were like, wow, we're so proud of you and so happy for you.

And like, meanwhile, he was literally murdering people. Holy shit. That's fucking scary. Yeah. So that's fun. Anyway, listen to my other podcast if you want to know more about that. Okay. This is a podcast about Texas, not about serial killers.

Okay. What's the podcast about Texas, not about serial killers. Okay. What's the difference? I do not. We even almost did jails today. See, this is when my interests collide that bad things happen. There are a lot of sandy cheeks out there. We don't want that. Okay.

Okay, this is a review of Alan's Boots. This is a one-star review by Dave. I have been in this shop for 30 minutes. Not one of these fake-ass Nashville-like cow folk posers has asked me if I need help. I'm out. End of review. Oh my goodness. Guess how they spelled posers.

No, posers. Posers. I think someone emailed us or something was like that's the correct spelling but okay it is an alternate spelling but like you most people do not write it that way so it just seems like the extra douchey way of spelling it it does you're right like it isn't all it is a correct spelling yes but it but it's like oh i'm using the french term you know what i mean is what it seems like to me yeah um anyway as someone who grew up in the emo as a wannabe emo kid as an actual emo poser like i've been called a poser

a poser i've been called a poser enough times on myspace to know how to spell it true true it's really sad for me it's a good point um yeah uh i so what i love is all of these people complaining and there were so many complaining that they weren't helped, but it was always personal to them. You know, like, like, like this, you always find a way to be the victim. And it's something that like, hello, obviously no one else. Look at the other reviews. You're not the only one.

It's not just about you. Instead of being like, wow, the people here are kind of rude. Anyway, I left. It's like the people here are rude because i have a perm and they can't handle how good i look i don't know yeah that kind of stuff so um yeah just wanna and then like i love when they throw out insults and try to be like oh what nashvillian what did they say oh nashville no No, no. That's good. Write that down. TM, TM, TM. No, Nashville light.

Like Nashville light. Coca-Cola light. Like Nashville would be okay, but because they're Nashville light. I think they're just like their wannabe, you know, Nashvilleians. Yeah, I don't know. But this person strikes me as someone who wouldn't be happy with someone from Nashville. Yeah. I guess they're not even good enough to be considered like at that, a Nash villain. Like they're not even good enough to be like his,

his enemy. They're like, they're like less than his own enemy. You know what I mean? You know what? Yes, I do know exactly what you mean. This makes all so much sense.

I'm sure everyone else does too. I, was that review of Alan's boots? Yes. I too have an Alan's boots. Oh, amazing. i got some great ones from there this is uh alan's boots in round rock texas this is a one-star review by lindsey rude rude snobby little wench for a cashier. I was cracking up. I was like, rude, rude, snobby little wench. Like, what year is it?

Wow. Will the real snobby wench please stand up? Rude, rude, snobby little wench for a cashier. She looked about 12 and acted put out when I asked for her help. I will never be back there at least to the Round Rock location. End of review. I will drive to San Antonio for my boot needs. Yeah.

The way I said my inflection there was odd because of the capitalization. Oh, sure. All caps was I will never be back there at. my inflection there was odd because of the capitalization. Oh, sure. So all caps was, I will never be back there at. The at was capitalized. And then least to the round rock location was not a capital. That was kind of just like an afterthought whisper. It sounded like I'd never read that before, review before. But no, I've read it too many times.

Probably too many. Understand how little sense the capitalization makes but i uh the the fact that the girl looked about 12 like was it a child yeah it might have been that snobby little wench of a child right to call a 12 year old if you're really saying oh she looked like she was not even a teenager yet like she looked like a literal preteen and she was a wench yeah that's quite a she looked underage uh which is why i think that she's a snobby little wench not worth my time that's what i think about children how dare this how dare this child laborer not help me find the boots for me how dare this child laborer not be trained in the fine art of customer service and satisfaction

oh boy um also i think wench doesn't quite mean what i think she's trying to say like witch or bitch or something because wench doesn't that just mean like you're like a servant or am i wrong about that that's not my understanding but you could be right i mean it sounds like an insult so a girl or young woman right like i think it's see like i thought of it as the archaic version as a sex worker yes okay well wow that is even worse to call a 12 year old yes that's how i thought about it when i write it oh like woof And then 12 year old is another big woof. But that's like how you would used to use it, I think. It feels like a very old English kind of insult.

I see. I mean, yes. We're not necessarily an insult back then, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, it seems like it's used as an insult. It's kind of a derogatory term. It's meant to be derogatory. Right. Back then then i had no

idea but i know you all want me to read it in a sentence so here i will do that for you i hear you clamoring for it um according to dictionary.com uh the milkmaid was a healthy wench what i don't know that's from dictionary.com uh-huh that tells me nothing about the word correct correct uh exactly like i guess it it means farmer's farmer's daughter i don't know these are quite a variety of meanings um someone who works at a carnival i don't know someone who works at a shoe carnival you never know it could be all of the above. That's it. Whoa, what are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking?

You know you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music. Oh yeah, Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. It's Tim's 60th anniversary and Roll Up to Win is back. Win big with a daily $10,000 jackpot sponsored by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit by Tim's Financial. Earn an entry with every roll. Play now on the Tim's app. Rules apply. Canada only. No purchase necessary.

Visit the Tim's app for details. Anyway, okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna get on with this and read another one from Alan's because I'm really excited about this one. Okay, okay. This is a one-star view of Alan's Boots by Mark. I think you're gonna like this one. I flew into

San Antonio from Los Angeles and then drove to Austin to have my violin serviced at Sandro Coco's Violin Shop at 1508 1 1⁄2 South Congress Street. After I was done there, I decided to walk down South Congress to check out the shops. I went to the University of Texas Austin from 1987 to 1991, so I was surprised to see how nice this area has become. In the 80s, I would buy boots at Allen Boots and also shop at the costume shop nearby. I walked into Allen Boots and the guy was looking me up and down and asked me to take my drink, which I set it down on the counter like he wanted. He also wanted to take my violin case. This case has a 180-year-old violin in it worth over $75,000. I didn't think it would be a smart idea to give some random guy in a cowboy hat my violin for him to hold.

Sorry. I feel like I want to meet someone that i can say oh yeah a random guy in a cowboy hat whom i do not trust with my valuables the stranger i want to meet in life oh oh my god i didn't think it would be a smart idea to give some random guy in a cowboy hat my violin for him to hold as god know what he would do with it maybe start a bonfire okay i have a feeling this person has a very very uh very poor opinion of people from texas of random guys in cowboy hats yes perhaps imagine if i gave it to him and someone stole it or somehow it got damaged. I then called the store in Round Rock and talked to the manager, quote, Lindsay. And all she said, it was policy for us to take backpacks and things like that.

It's really terrible that I'm being treated the same way as when I was a student from the 1980s. And so what if I have a drink in my hand? I'm not going to spill it on your worthless boots. And if I do, then how about just cleaning it up? Unbelievable. None of the employees were even helping customers. They were just leaning up on the counter. These people don't know anything about retail.

Mathematically speaking, most of your theft comes internally from your own employees, not the public. I'm going to post this exact review on the Allen Boots Georgetown Yelp page, as well as manager Lindsay needs a remedial course on customer service. Unfortunately, the poor girl probably doesn't even know what remedial means. End of review. I hate this person. At first, I was kind of like,

well, it's obnoxious putting any dollar amount in there about your violin. But hey, yeah, you know what? I've had violins in my life that were worth much, much, much, much less. But I was very weird about other people holding on to them. Like that was a thing for me. Probably because mom traumatized you the like one time you dropped it. Well, no, she was very surprised. I remember that moment.

She was surprisingly chill about it when I cracked my violin in half um whoops um and then the other time when i tripped in the parking garage and my violin case went like flying all across that was pretty funny that has been ingretched in my memory in the folds of my memory forever because of the panic that i felt when i saw it like fucking gliding anyway Anyway. I'm pretty sure I turned around because I was like, I'm just going to walk away into the sunset and not watch whatever's about to happen. Anyway. Okay.

Okay. Sorry. But if you go into a store and they're like, we can't let you walk around with the case, you either give it to them or you say, okay, I'd rather go. Don't write a shitty review because you're mad that they have a store policy and same with a drink that's even worse like he's like he doesn't even

say he's like so what if i spill it you can just clean it up it's like wait wait wait it defeats the purpose also to be like oh this is the same policy this is how they treated me when i was a student in the 80s it's like okay so you knew full well how this works yeah oh and think about like think about how this person's mind's working where they are complaining about wondering what they would do to their vial expensive violin oh yeah that's rude and then they're like yeah but if i spill my drink on your expensive shoes whatever like he obviously has no respect for their items well i don't think you caught that they're actually worthless shoes obviously projecting they're worthless on them

about his own violin what they would do to it okay so i've got one more negative review um this is a billy's western wear and this is in a town and let me spell it for you and i want you to guess how it's pronounced okay b-o-e-r-n-e bernie yeah really it is it's bernie texas i tried to come up with the weirdest but not so off the wall answer kind of in the middle that's why i youtubed it whenever i don't know how to say a town i youtube it and watch like some sort of like promotional video for the town yeah i do that too that's probably why those get so many views yeah people just don't know how to say it um i should comment on every single one now i have a youtube channel i should comment every single one like if you're here to oh god for to see how to pronounce this town name like if it's 2020 march 2020 Like if you're watching the Bernie promotional tourism video in 2020.

Like if you're stuck in quarantine and this is what your life has become. Anyway, it seems like a lovely place to go shopping. Especially if you want to go to Billy's Western Wear. I do. But not according to Texas Rose. Who gives it one star and says this. I wouldn't give one star, but I wanted to share my horrible experience.

On Thursday, three days ago, I bought my daughter a pair of boots and belt. On Sunday, I returned to exchange boots for smaller size. The woman said the boots looked worn. They still have a tag and stickers on them, and she refused to exchange. I will never return to this store. Unless you are a city person, they don't want the business of true country farm and ranch folk in here. That short woman was rude from the moment we walked in.

I just wanted a pair of boots that fit my child. By the way, I wear a six. My daughter wears a nine. So there is no way these boots were worn. Shame on shysty and fake business practices like this. Boot barn has better prices and managers are much more willing to keep customers happy. Billy's is a joke. End review whoa yes we use that word i think this is the first time on a podcast that's come up in a review i think so it felt really weird saying it yeah i don't like that word i don't like it i don't like no um so i'm sorry but one good thing that comes out of this

is an owner response oh hell yeah wait do you want to know the second good thing that comes out of this is an owner response. Oh, hell yeah. Wait, do you want to know the second good thing before you read that? Oh, yeah. Tell me. Is that now I know there's a place called Bernie's Boot Barn. Bernie's Boot Barn. I love that though. Like Boot Barn has better prices than this.

Sounds like a sitcom. Like, hey, like. Come on down. Like from Toy Story or something. Yes. All right. Here is the response from the owner dear texas rose i truly apologize that we were not able to exchange your boots today

i talked with both managers on duty and they both explained that you did not have a receipt and the boots were badly worn they were so worn that they took pictures of the boots that you brought in and tried to return and pictures of a new pair we would have gladly exchanged your boots if the boots would have been in a new condition and would have had a receipt our staff went over and above to try and assist you they even tried to clean the boots in order to exchange them for you however they were badly worn we are so sorry wow wow that sounds pretty pretty shysty to me i'm just kidding it's yeah it's like hello like i love how there's like that response like well sorry sorry poor managers literally tried to clean them with their bare hands could you imagine

no and then and then this lady just fucking insults you and calls you short we want to be able to return these for you and give you your money back but we just can't sell these for the same price because they're terribly worn sorry like and we're trying to fucking clean them oh i did see another review where uh this person bought boots left with them drove pretty far away noticed they got the wrong boots, went to return them, and called ahead to exchange and say, you gave me the wrong boots. They were very apologetic on the phone. So when she came back, she was expecting to get a discount or something, but didn't.

And the reason she didn't was because the people at the store were like, oh, we actually reviewed the footage of the security camera to see what went wrong with the the interaction and they were like and it turns out you actually pointed to the wrong boots and that's why we gave you those boots we're not going to give you a discount because it wasn't our fault and the person gave a one-star review saying that's impossible i would never do that they phot photoshopped the security footage. I actually only have Redemptions left. Good.

I only have one Redemption left, too. So perfect. Perfect. This is a five-star review by Grayson of Cavenders. Is that how you say it? That's how I've been saying it. I didn't check their YouTube. Oh, no. You didn't check their promotional tourist website?

Okay. If you say Cavenders, it sounds like a Harry Potter store. It does, doesn't it? Probably Cavenders. Okay, so this is of Cavenders Boot City. Cavenders Wand Shop. This is a five-star review by Grayson. Excellent service from Marla.

If she sees this post, would you let her know that I loved my hat? She's beautiful and I'm literally in love with her. LOL. Okay, thanks. End of review. Yikes. I don't know how much of a redemption that one is. Just so everybody knows that was listed under not recommended reviews.

Probably good. Probably for the best. I'm expecting a follow-up where they like change it to one star never heard back like women are terrible they never give me the time of day oh i'm just a nice guy no one no one cares it's probably because i'm not a foreigner she won't call me back uh it's because i my my cowboy boots aren't cool enough i'm going to the boot barn to find my next true love oh that reminds me of my true love do you know who my true love is christina do you remember the lady at the bookstore yes i literally listened to that episode no joke yesterday afternoon we talked about that on the podcast

yes for a long time for a long time i was listening to it and i i literally heard you go you know i had a thing at a bookstore and I went yeah I know the story here let me tell it for you and then we talked all about the lady at the bookstore with the tattoo and that you were buying several copies of J.D. Salinger and then she said have you read this and you were like

no I'm just I'm just buying five copies and I've never read it and then she had the banana fish tattoo. And you were like, if I ever get a tattoo, that's the tattoo I want. And then I said, I'll go back to that Barnes & Noble to look for her. It's because we were talking about, I know what it was. We were talking about sex stores.

Or no, we were talking about toy stores in Chicago. And you found an adult toy store. And this person was like, my neighbor's having a barbecue and I want to invite the salesperson from this adult store that I met five years ago. That's right. Anyway, I'm sorry. Yeah. So anyway, if that person's out there with the Seymour glass tattoo, I think it was on her wrist. Yeah. It was like the phonetic spelling of it. Never. Yeah. So if you're out there, just shout out. If you're out there, we're having a barbecue.

Our neighbor's having a barbecue next week. Worked at a Barnes and Noble in Cincinnati that closed like 10 years ago. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So anyway, that was just really weird because honest to God, yesterday was listening to that episode for some reason. And like I do a weird thing when I'm sad. I listen to our old episodes like a big weirdo um and so that's what i was doing anyway isn't it weird that i like still think of this like stranger it is weird i know it's weird but

like i wonder if this person like i don't know knows that some random stranger is thinking about them because it's a little bit alarming honestly it is pretty bad yeah especially because you were like 18 you were like he's very young um i was you know maybe there's now a chance that you can uh be connected reconnected okay good so now is a chance thank god okay now there's a chance we'll find we'll find her okay anyway how about i read of redemption let's move on please for god's sake this is a review of camargo's's Western Boots in Mercedes, Texas. This place has eight reviews, all five stars. This is a five-star review by Kenneth.

Fixed my Santa boots quickly and well. End of review. And Kenneth's local guide has 233 reviews, level six local guide. And his profile picture is of him dressed as Santa. Oh, yay. It made me so happy. They fixed Santa's boots. Yeah.

It just made me really happy. And I decided this is so adorable. I need to look at Kenneth's Google page. So the great thing about it, like, not not to be mean to Kenneth, like Kenneth is fantastic, but there wasn't much substance in the reviews, but in kind of a good way, it would just, he would say, okay, and leave five stars. And then in another review, he left, he said, okay, and left four stars. So, you know, it's nuanced, you know? Yeah. Very nuanced. And he'd say, great, and leave five stars, or he'd say, great, and leave five stars.

Or he'd say, great, and leave four stars. So that was about like, and then like for Nancy's Cafe, for example, and I did not look this place up. West Laco, West Laco, West Laco, Texas said, okay, but that's it. But left four stars. So it was like still good. Only out of all, i've scrolled through all reviews i'm pretty sure i didn't miss a single one the only negative ones there were two

and there are two star reviews not a single one star review to be seen okay um and it was just great that's all like the point is kenneth spread so much positivity and when kenneth has a bad experience we'll say something. Would you say he's spreading cheer? Yes, I would say cheer. Cheer's probably pretty good. Would you say he's keeping a list and checking it twice? Oh, yeah.

There's actually a list that I check twice, at least. I can't say about how he would check it. Wow. A list of his reviews that I've checked twice. Changing the world, I would say. I would say so, too. But yeah, like he'd say great omelet good food that's what i always hoped santa's list looked like it wasn't like oh jeremy uh you know kicked

mulch at his sister it was like this omelet was pretty okay oh and then also um oh also left okay but with the letter with the number zero instead of an O. See, that's exactly what I would need to know before I head to a location. And also left a review of a furniture place and said, did not have what I needed. Still left four stars. Okay. Like, truly someone to look up to. I do look up to him.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being you. And thank you for being Santa. And for being Santa. I mean, up to him. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being you. And thank you for being Santa. And for being Santa. I mean, you are Santa. So, like, when I say thank you for being you, I'm like, he is Santa. Right, it's one and the same. Sure.

One and the same. Okay. Kenneth Claus aside, my turn. Now, this is a five-star review by Wayne of Cavender's Boot City. And here we go. By the way, I will add that all identifying information has been changed. Scrub for the internet.

Scrub for the internet, for privacy's sake. This is Five Stars by Wayne. I knew James Cavender when he was in high school in Idabel, Oklahoma. He and Frank Barkman were fast runners on the track i heard him tell i'm sorry this is like so fucking weird to be honest i'm pretty pissed off because this was listed under not recommended reviews and i was like we everyone needs to know about this why is this hidden i knew james cavender when he was in high school in idabel oklahoma

he and frank barkman were fast runners on the track i heard him tell that at first he was going into a hamburger cafe or maybe fast food enterprise he switched to western wear signed wayne pritchard 1109 washington drive tacoma, Washington 99301, Wayne211 at yahoo.com. End of review. What the heck is that review? Someone just wants, like, someone needs to be reached out to. Someone's bragging.

Who is that? I think he wants Vanity Fair to reach out to talk about his connection to James Cavender and his historic enterprise. I mean, I love it. It's like fast food, but it looks like it ended up in Westernware. Yeah, finally found it on the internet. Yeah. Was it literally just like he was Googling his old like high school friends to see what they did?

Not that I don't do that. I just had a dream of two high school friends, not friends, high school people in my high school that I haven't thought about in years. Isn't that creepy how your brain is like, nope, you thought you forgot about these people, but they're still here. It is very creepy. I wonder if that's what happened where this guy had a dream and was like, I wonder what fast food restaurant he opened.

Oh my gosh, Western. I wonder what fast track Jimmy is up to these days. So you changed all the numbers and stuff. I changed all the numbers and the name and the zip and the town. Yeah, I'm very glad you did that. Like, I'm glad you left it instead of just removing it. I'm glad you just changed it because that makes it so much better. It has the same vibe.

Like, it's pretty much exactly the same uh you know intention behind it i just changed the the numbers usually i just remove it and now that you did that i'm like you know that sounds a lot better instead of saying like oh and he left his address right the meat of the review was definitely his entire private address and his Yahoo email address. Yeah. So, you know, I think he I wonder what Frank Barkman's up to, though. This is what I want to know. Did you check this person's review to see like I knew Frank Barkman back when he was a fast runner with the Vander pump.

What is it? James Cavender pump. Cavender. Cavender. James. Back with James Cavender. He told me he'd go into Westernware, but now he's in fast food now he's an accountant anyway here's my address in case anyone wants to talk to me now he works at the wizarding world of harry potter in orlando i like that he

didn't leave his phone number though just his mailing address in case anyone needs to mail him something hey you know that's not a bad idea you might just get might just get some nice cards or a nice present you might need to mail him a postcard also don't mail anything to this address because as i said it is not his actual address so don't do that but oh my goodness that made me laugh anyway i love it i'm just glad we all know about like james's past or jimmy if you will i like i'm just really glad we yeah yeah i'm glad uh jimothy maybe if i'm glad we all know about his um you know his athletic prowess in high school who he was friends with like kind of what his dreams and goals were before switching to western wear i feel like that really rounds out you know his personality and the entire the entire

corporation's kind of like values. You know, I'm just really thankful about it. Thanks, Wayne. I can tell. I can tell this has struck you deeply. I wish I worked for Vanity Fair because I would immediately email Wayne's Yahoo and get to talking. I mean, we can just do a spinoff podcast. We could.

We could do an investigative podcast about Wayne. People are clamoring for it I hear it I think so this episode is brought to you by Tresemme wants silky smooth hair that's still full of natural movement the Tresemme keratin smooth weightless collection is your simple solution this new collection features a wide range of products from nourishing shampoo and conditioner to lightweight heat protectants and a silky smooth serum for a sleek finish. Wave goodbye to frizz and say hello to three days of smooth hair with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more.

Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction.

Godzilla Kong. The new empire. Now playing only in theaters. All right, is it time for my challenge? It is. Okay, so Victoria sent this challenge in. Thank you, Victoria. It says... Thank says very much it is to find reviews of a dog park in which the owner was the problem rather than the dogs so i'm just going

to jump right into it this is a one-star review by nicholas of um i believe it was the Calabasas dog park. Terrible. It's all turf, which is gross. Some owners are cool, but many of them are these old hags that are incredibly rude. These old women act like they own the dog park because they spend the majority of their pathetic lives sitting around at this tiny spot that smells

like urine. This place sucks and the ancient women that bring their four pound rats make it even worse. End of review. Well, then, this person did not provide enough details about themselves to, like, okay, this sounds weird, but, like, my first thought is, like, okay, they're insulting the age of these people. They're insulting the dogs that they have as well, like, the four-pound pound. Their lifestyles. Yeah. And their lifestyles and everything.

It's like, well, what do you do? Why are you so special? Well, if we're thinking about the opposite, that means Nicholas is very young. A young hag. Not an old one. Acts like he does not own the dog park. Specifically tells people, I know it looks like it, but I do not own this dog park. I know what you're thinking um i actually you know i was gonna go into dog parks but i actually um went into the

fast food enterprises uh so does not own the dog park has a pretty what's opposite of pathetic pretty fulfilling life pretty impressive life didn't talk about himself this is this is the most obnoxious thing ever and he smelled he sits in a spot that instead of smelling like urine smells like doesn't smell like urine so i think i thought you're gonna say it smells like poop but yeah could be that if we're thinking like opposite in that sense but um so i mean i think the owners of the other dogs are problem and the the owner, Nicholas, is a problem. So owner problems all around. Oh, yeah.

All around. Okay. So this is a review. This was actually sent in by Natalie, who wanted to see if there were any reviews of the park where she used to take her sister's dog, Gunner, and sent some pictures of Gunner. And he actually passed away about a year ago um so poor baby and uh so natalie says here's our view of oak grove dog park three stars by dawn we have found the dog park to be a bit strange first off my dog doesn't really care for other dogs one way or the other. Rather bred and trained to be woman's, man's, etc. best friend. A number of dog owners at Oak Grove

have criticized me for not socializing my dog to be pack-oriented. For example, running around with all the other dogs. She really loves people like dogs are bred to do since Neanderthal times. Second, there are a lot of dogs using this park and a lot leave feces and urine often not cleaned up that can't be a good thing for other dogs especially with warmer weather someone should really study the hygiene impact of this concentration of pollution on dogs and people end of review get a scientist in here there's poop and pee in this dog park baffling i think don considers his dog a human it seems yeah that was confusing um yeah it's like oh like my my purely bred dog is being exposed to all these other dogs' urine and feces. These other dogs that are actually dogs.

Yeah, these dogs. I mean, the number of... How dare these owners think that the way I'm talking about my dog is really weird. Yeah, I mean, the fact that Don finds this place a bit strange makes me think it's probably pretty goddamn normal. It sounds like the owners were very critical of... Actually, it doesn't sound like they were. finds this place a bit strange makes me think it's probably pretty goddamn normal um it sounds like the owners were very uh critical of uh actually it doesn't sound like they were it sounds like don thinks they were very critical of the way that he uh does not socialize his dog to

be pack oriented i cannot imagine anyone is going up to this person and saying hey why is your dog not more pack oriented yes right why are you training it like in another way okay interest interestingly we just went to the dog park a couple days ago probably because this was on my mind and geo has this habit of literally sitting behind us because he's like he'll like run out a little bit but then he gets kind of scared and he sits behind us yeah and i'm like can you imagine if someone was like excuse me your dog is not behaving the way that you should be training your dog to behave like i can't fathom that that the problem is when dogs are too you know in people's face or other dogs face yeah um is when

most people complain so you know someone should i will say someone should really study the hygiene impact of this concentration of pollution on dogs and people, though. Okay. Like, forget global warming. Like, this is the real problem. I got yelled at once for when I was walking Olive in Allie's neighborhood. And someone yelled at me about how Olive was peeing in the grass by the curb. What?

Yeah. And he was livid. And I was i was like hey i clean up all the poops like what about the pee you don't pick that up do you you don't pick the liquid up i'm like no of course i don't well what what and he's like it's terrible for the grass and i'm like look this is common everyone's doing this like can you bring me a dog toilet and i'm like my the dog is not in your yard the dog is on the other side of the sidewalk because i don't let i didn't let olive go into yards because of people like that and he was like you should go over you should walk her over in the there's like a median like two streets and like a median in the middle and i'm like in the middle

of the road no i'm like i'm not gonna go over there keep walking her here and i was like absolutely not that is insanity um it was insane he got all in my face for it i'm like yo like it's a dog i'm not she's she's just peeing like let her pee oh my god people are just so weird what like i hope that person doesn't have a dog because i don't want to know how they. There's no way. There's no way. Okay. So I have one more and I feel like that's not very many, but like, I guess most of the reads I read were just kind of sad. You know how the animal ones get kind of sad and it's just everyone arguing about whose

dog was too aggressive and being mean about pit bulls and it just was not fun. So I have one more that wasn't you know related to anything sad or uh troubling or anger inducing so this was sent in by amanda who found i guess it's sort of a redemption um who found this review of a dog park in longmont colorado called the rough and ready park cute this is a five-star view by a local guide named jimmy fingers yes well maybe yes i don't know what what is it what are jimmy's fingers used for we'll find out no oh sorry that came off really wrong it's so menacing it is five stars this is one of the best dog parks in longmont colorado puppies are always available

i don't know much about longmont colorado but i'm gonna check the population longmont colorado population let's see how big it is okay 96 000 how many dog parks though oh there's a city of Longmont Dog Park number one. City of Longmont Dog Park number two. Rough and ready. You know what? I'm sorry. Take it back.

There are four dog parks. Listen, if you question Jimmy Fingers one more time. I'm sorry, Jimmy Fingers. Okay. Let me hear what your fingers on the keyboard cooked up for us. Alex and I, you will not regret it. This is one of the best dog parks in Longmont, Colorado. Puppies are always available to be played with,

and it's a great place to wear out overly energetic mutts. And honestly, I come here because I've met people and business connections who else helped me acquire untold riches. Wait, wait, wait, wait. connections who else helped me acquire untold riches you're using your fingers to gain untold riches from strangers he's using the dog park to gain untold riches pickpocketing or good question good question okay here we go fingers and and honestly i come here because i've met people and business connections who else helped me acquire untold riches and fast amounts of influence i'd really recommend coming here to communicate with some very elite and influential individuals. End of review. And then there are 11 pictures of dogs.

Oh, I was like, what? Of fingers? Wait, does Jimmy have 11 fingers? Of dogs. One picture for each finger. That's why they call him Jimmy Fingers. I'm not dropping this fingers thing. And then Amanda's email,

which I didn't understand until I read the review, said, I hope these bring you untold riches and fast amounts of influence. Oh, my God. Untold is capital U. Untold riches. And instead of vast, it says fast. So untold riches and fast amounts of influence. I would like you to come to this dog park to communicate with some very elite and influential individuals. And then it's a bunch of pictures of dogs. I love how it's like, I would like you to come to this dog park to communicate with some very elite and influential individuals and then it's a bunch of pictures of dogs i love how it's like i would like you to come

like maybe you can meet jimmy fingers and i can wrap you up in my pyramid scheme um yeah yeah it's that is super there's something super sketchy about that like i know it feels like code or some sort of thing the first half is so normal like oh normal. Like, oh, there's so many dogs. Like, there's so many dogs. You can wear out your overly energetic puppy. And also, by the way, there are untold riches to be found underneath the mulch of this vastly influential dog park. Every time he goes, a new person in a trench coat coat is like you want to know where the next treasure is buried in this dog park anyway so that's that was fun that was great i enjoyed that

oh good um so thank you to people who sent those in and thank you to the people on the internet who made this episode possible just like all the other ones it sounds like we're like pbs or something i know i know possible by reviewers like you oh my god i got it you got it reviewers like you tm tm tm i hear those fast fingers jimmy fingers is at it again um what's the theme the theme okay let me let me ask you a quick question sure when you think of missouri what do you think of um blaze's grandparents whoops that is pretty far off well maybe but reviews of grandparents i'm not i'm not gonna make assumptions throat rolls about blaze's grandparents but what i think of is adult video stores. Why? Because driving through Missouri, I've driven through Missouri many times. So many times. I actually have.

No, me too. I'm saying because every time we drive from California. Yeah, and I've driven south ways through there too. Okay. To Texas of all places from Indiana. Anyway. Right. I've seen so many billboards for adult video stores

that and fireworks that and fireworks okay yeah but we are doing adult video stores oh my gosh okay this is gonna be a talk about a troubling episode i'm very excited so adult video stores in missouri yes okay i'm into it this is gonna be. I mean, I'm not into it, to be clear, but, you know, you get it. But Blaze's grandparents are. You said it, not me. Okay, I have a challenge for you. This was sent in by Tori, who says, Hello, Christine and the bad boy of podcasting, TM.

Find a review where the reviewer name drops their sorority or fraternity. I love that. Oh, good. Me too. Yeah. I'm a member of blah blah blah as a tri-delt it's like this person's name drop in who we went to high school with and who was on the track team so oh that's true so why can't we find that i think that's that's tough i the thing is i don't i, I think it's going to be, I'm going to have to like search specific fraternities, but I'm going to Google and sororities, but I'm going to Google most obnoxious fraternities and sororities. I can give you a couple from college that I know that I'm not going to say out loud on the show in case I offend anyone. Delta Cubes from community. That's a pretty good one.

I was not in a sorority or fraternity, so I actually don't have any clue. So yeah, neither was I. Um, but probably would have meant that I had made some, could have made some friends in college, but too late for that now. Too late. Anyway. So good luck with that. Also, before we go, uh, just a reminder that there's a really cool organization called races are a I CES bond fund in Texas. Um, and they're a great organization and, uh, we're going we go uh just a reminder that there's a really cool organization called races r-a-i-c-e-s bond fund in texas um and they're a great organization and uh we're going to be uh donating some money on behalf of my uh blunder and we recommend you guys check them out too yes uh link is below in the description in the show notes in the show notes thank you uh yeah and we look forward to

talking to you next week about adult entertainment stores i don't but we'll be there anyway oh i do can't wait bye talk to you then bye Bye.