Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 89: Lighthouses in Maine

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So sit down, heat up your beans, and enjoy the episode. But before you listen, heed this warning: sexy stuff. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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limited editions and they will sell out. So if you would like to get your own Karma Back To You pin, go to our merch store, bit.ly slash beach2sandimerch. That's bit.ly slash beach2 sandy march to snag your karma back to you pin welcome to beach to sandy water to wet a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think between you and me i wanted to like podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, hello. We are doing another episode of Beach to Sandy Water to Wet. This is episode 89, Light Homes in Maine. Light Homes! We did Waffle Homes, now it's Light Homes. Light Homes in Maine. And, you know, you didn't think it would happen, but here we are.

Episode 89. We are just as... Specifically 89. Yeah, you knew 90 would happen, but this one... Yeah, people said 89, there's. We are just this one. Specifically 89. Yeah, you knew 90 would happen, but this one. Yeah, people said 89. There's no way they'd touch that. No, and here we are. So, you know, screw you if you didn't believe we could do it.

Here we are. Yeah. Doing it big time. This is Portland. Nope. This is Maine. Maine episode. This is, you know, I understand now actually looking at it, why you thought maybe we weren't

going to do it because clearly it's been 89 episodes and I still don't really know how to start these. So you are right to have your doubts, but we are doing a theme from Megan this week and Megan from Maine suggested lighthouses or Alexander, or as Alexander likes to call them light homes in the state of Maine. And I pretty excited about this one Zadie. Me too um I was gonna watch that movie The Lighthouse before this to be prepared. What's that? And then I forgot until this moment. Is that a horror movie? It's Willem Dafoe and um oh yeah I remember that. What's his face? Yeah yeah Tim Allen. Okay now I'm glad I forgot? Yeah. Yeah. Tim Allen.

Okay. Now I'm glad I forgot his name. Okay. Yes. Tim Allen. Could you imagine? I imagine. But I didn't watch it.

So here we are. We're going to have to go without that information. It's probably for the best. Well, I think besides our new merch alert at the beginning, I don't think we have any other updates. So should we just get right into it? Let's get right into it. Okay. I'll go first.

Okay. This is a review of the Portland Headlight, which seems weird when I say it out loud. Was it on a car? Yes. It's just a broken down car on the side of the road. No, this is called the Portland Headlight Lighthouse. I don't know. Whatever.

It's a light in Portland, Maine. And Colin gave it one star i'm sick of it my wife is sick of it and my kids are sick of it end of review move wait oh my god yeah he's a local i okay okay light at least, have very specific functions that are useful in life-saving. Like, they're, and these, I mean, I don't know about that one specifically because I didn't read up on it, but these do still function as lighthouses. Like, they're historic, but they, many of them still do function as lighthouses. And you're historic but they many of them still do function as lighthouses and you know what i'm sick of it it's so dumb and so is my wife so you know what i don't know what more you want to say to me but i think it's pretty clear how where i stand on the matter do they rent the lighthouse and live there and like maybe they're the lighthouse keepers oh

my god and they're sick and they're just like oh my god get me out of this tower and like you know it's kind of like where they get locked in a tower and they can't come down except for their hair punzel yes okay yeah have you seen it i actually know there was an updated version of it called the lighthouse um with tim allen and with his right and he has a long braid but i haven't seen it yet and his kids climb down it every now and then but he can't but he can't and that's why he's so sick of it yeah okay your turn my first one is of the pima quid point lighthouse this is a one-star review by chris not the best place to visit quite boring overcrowded and the lighthouse looked like it was created by a small child with glue and cardboard. A waste of money for the entrance fee as well as the gas.

End of review. Oh my! And can I just tell you, this is a very, I would say handsome lighthouse. That's hurtful, what they just said. I was quite pleased to see this picture. And it looks like, guess what? A lighthouse. Just a nice lighthouse.

And this person being so negative just really bothered me because you know what i bet this person couldn't design a lighthouse this gorgeous maybe in maine that's what they do in elementary school arts and crafts like topsy-cold stick lighthouses well it's like it's like the um current u.s flag was created by a uh i believe middle school or high school high school i think yeah um who did it for a class project for if they got to 50 states and it ended up being used so and little did they know when they were telling us this in middle school to give us kind of like a little push in the right direction some motivation little did they know we would one day reach episode 89

and they didn't believe it we actually in when we we made an episode of 89 out of popsicle sticks in high school. Yeah. They didn't think we could do it. And here we are. And you know, I will say episode 89 is kind of, I mean,

not to toot my own horn, but like creating the national flag episode 89. Great hand in hand. If you ask me, you know what? I'll, I'll ask you um how how does episode 89 compare to making a national flag better far better oh it's better you said hand in hand

yeah well i changed my mind wow i got a minute to think about it wow yeah okay i'm glad you thought about it because i agree yeah good okay great that makes two of us so um this is a review of again of that same portland headlight which is a lighthouse i don't like that you call it that i maybe it's what it's called head lighthouse is probably what it's actually called and trip advisor might have just sent me in the wrong direction with that that sounds like their local like minor league baseball team the portland headlights i googled it it's literally portland head lighthouse in cape elizabeth maine is that what you're talking about it's maine's oldest lighthouse and you are fucking trashing it right

now what is it called on yelp though oh no sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry sorry the portland headlight is a historic lighthouse according to wikipedia thank you sorry i'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. The Portland Headlight is a historic lighthouse, according to Wikipedia. Thank you. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Google has Portland Head Lighthouse. That makes me feel bad.

I'm sorry. No, you're right. You've been right this whole time. Okay, well. I should have known. In that case. I should have known Portland Headlight was correct. I should have known that I was right.

This is a one-star review by Teddy of the Portland Headlight Lighthouse. I planned several months to visit Portland Headlight for the sole purpose of photographing this wonderful site. I took five days and my wife took five days to make the trip from PA. It was a gamble in late January because of the weather. Okay, okay. I'm sorry. This is reading, like, some National Geographic thing.

It's a Reader's Digest. Like, no, but going to, to like as if you're going to like capture on on video right with your icon yeah duck-tailed lemur that's not a thing but it should be though i i i argue some wild animal like oh we took five days and we traveled it's like the desert in the cold yeah 40 days and. 40 days and 40 nights. Pretty hand in hand, if you ask me. Maybe even better. I took five days and my wife took five days to make the trip from Pennsylvania. It was a gamble in late January because of the weather in Maine, but we were lucky.

The weather held and the crowds were good for pictures. The problem was that on January 28th, 2018, there was an ugly black circle, the remainder of a Christmas wreath, no doubt, but ugly nonetheless, adorning the top of the lighthouse. What the heck? A couple of grand to make the trip? Some remnants of the wreath laying at the base of lighthouse gave me the clue what the black ring was for. I knew there were other lights in the area, but the hype on this lighthouse made it the main reason to visit maine i used photoshop but correcting this ugly scar on what might have been a great picture was a bridge too far i have a pic to send but it is not possible here wait i see picture slot below end of review wait what okay i was really annoyed and then it was kind of funny because they were like going through their stream of consciousness hang on i think i see the button look everyone

like we're not next to you friend when you're writing this um wow that is something that um is annoying they sent up they posted a picture and i was like oh what a lovely christmas wreath i don't really understand the problem yeah but i mean okay so oh oh so the wreath was on that's what i was confused about it certainly looked as though it were on there and maybe it had like disintegrated a little bit or something but it wasn't just like a black scar scar i mean yeah i was wondering how that happens because i i don't know much about wreaths or lighthouses i guess but i was wondering how there would be this massive black scar from a from a wreath i didn't think it was that dramatic of a an event unless they like light it on fire to that could be that

could be like you know i actually can you imagine if teddy came home from his you know journey and he and his wife were like showing you pictures like you're the neighbor or something and he's like look this picture and you're like what a lovely and he's like no because it's such a lovely photo and yet Teddy's only showing you to show you the horror of the black scar but you're just trying to be nice it's like oh that's a wreath Teddy it's like what a lovely wreath it's the same one I have on my front door. Yes, Janet. That's why I use Photoshop to get it off. Because of that one, I'm actually going to skip ahead to a one I wasn't going to use yet because it's relevant. But this is the Nubble Lighthouse. So this is by Fish. Two stars.

Was shocked at what they did to that beautiful lighthouse thank god i have painting i do on rocks made five for friends and family members they put xmas lights all around the lighthouse and other building lose the charm of what it used to look like end of review now all my rocks are no longer accurate portrayals. Christina, I was like, oh god, is it like super gaudy with like really like colorful lights and everything? I've looked it up. It is quite tasteful, in my opinion, and it is a tradition, the lighting of the Nubble Lighthouse. They do that. Okay, so it's not like somebody just like draped those like icicle lights all over it you should see it actually it's like only along like

certain edges and it's all i believe like yellowish or white um lights and i think it like especially from the far you can see it and i think it looks great from the photos oh well the problem is she doesn't have yellow paint so how on earth is she going to make an accurate representation so wait so she paints this thing on rocks is that what she's saying no i think that she had paint so um thank god that so i think she had these bought maybe these paintings on rocks actually i don't know i can't tell if it's thank god i have painting painting I do, like painting that I paint on rocks, or it's, thank God I have painting.

Wait, I don't know how else to say it. I don't know. She's a rock painter. There's no way around it. Okay. But yeah, maybe, or maybe thank God I have the painting I do. Like, thank God I have that painting that's on rocks. Yep, exactly. I do like thank god I have that painting that's on rocks either way I was actually quite I don't know like I'm not a big fan of like making everything all Christmassy and stuff but let

me show you quick there's okay let me just text this to you let's see let's see oh oh oh it looks like a painting yeah and it's not that much it's not like no it's just on like the trim just kind of accentuates the outline it it does accentuate the outline of the light home oh it's beautiful anyway it's beautiful it's gorgeous you know you can have your own opinion fish it's fine um oh and she does yeah and wasn't afraid to say it and um i made five for friends so yeah i must have made these rock paintings i'm still trying to figure out the rock paintings okay this is a three-star review of the bug lighthouse and this is not like what a bug's life featuring tim allen this Bug Lighthouse, which I guess is...

That would be really cute for ants. No, it's a real lighthouse. And Carol gave it three stars. Well, it's there. End of review. Christina, is Carol wrong? Carol's right. And three stars?

Middle of the road. We can't complain. Middle of the road, just sitting there. That big old bug lighthouse. Middle of the road, nice headlight. Mm-hmm. Nice headlight. Mm-hmm.

Carol, thank you. I like those. Thank you. Thank God. Those are nice. Weirdly refreshing. I agree. They're so neutral.

Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah.

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Visit the Tim's app for details. Well, well on that note can I read one more then because it's pretty similar and I feel like we should just get it out of the way okay refresh me again this is a three-star review by Liam of the Marshall Point Lighthouse which I guess is featured in the background of Forrest Gump's run in the movie you found ones that I didn't find this is is great. Oh, good. So this is a three-star review by Liam. It's a lighthouse. What more do you want from me? End of review. All these people are in bad moods.

Liam needs to turn off their notifications if you ask me. What more do you want? Like, leave me alone, Yelp or TripAdvisor. Stop emailing me about this lighthouse. That was on Yelp. I can't imagine why Yelp would be pressuring him to write this. But I could imagine Liam then like wherever like he goes, sees all these references to that lighthouse.

And was like, fine, I'll write a review. Like watching Forrest Gump. Oh my God, it's there. Like, oh, like it's everywhere. I get it. Get it out of my head. I get it. All right.

My next one is of the West Quaddy Head Lighthouse. Oh, my God. That's where my next one is. Oh, well, do you want a couple of fun facts about it? Please. Quaddy Head State Park, where it's located, is the furthest, the most eastern. Eastern most. Goddamn.

Thank you. Eastern most point in the United States of America. That's the most like older sibling thing. I'm like okay i'll let you go for about 10 seconds i'm gonna just talk over you here i'm just scrambling okay um but now i have fun facts so it is that is fun fact it is the easternmost it is very fun yes but here we go also for a few weeks around the equinoxes west quaddie head is the first location in the united states to see the sunrise. Lovely. Which makes sense.

And then Quadi Head State Park is also the closest geographic point in the United States to the African continent. Oh, wow. It's interesting, right? The closest point to Africa is Maine, in Maine. That's pretty wild. Very wild. Well, here is what human has to say about the West Quaddy Head Lighthouse.

West Quaddy Head Lighthouse? What a great name for the easternmost point in America. Who named this? That was the end of the review, until Human included an edit and said this. I've never been here, so don't go thinking this is a bad place. I'm sure it's beautiful. I live inxas i wouldn't know end of review okay first of all i had that one too but it was only because megan from maine wrote in and attached that as an attachment and i just kind of hoped you wouldn't see it but i guess i should have known but okay now that i'm really

like thinking about it and reading it thank you you, Megan. I am wondering because there's an edit to say like, hey, wait, don't now don't say I don't put words in my mouth. But I'm like, can people respond on Google reviews? Or like, why would you add an edit unless this was like plaguing your nightmares? Yeah, maybe they felt bad for putting it one star. But instead of updating the star, they just put an edit. So it's not like people were commenting on it right because not that i could see no and i've never seen that do that i've never seen respect the owner like the the head like the light keeper

the crypt light keeper whatever whatever they're called didn't respond so it wasn't like they were shamed into the edit they were just and someone liked it actually someone put a thumbs up on that was probably me yeah but you can't see how many um views your review gets did you know that you can see how many reviews your review how many views your review gets oh i did not know ali wrote i think it was on google ali had written a review for some i forget what it was and it was like a middle of the road like something went wrong so she gave like three stars or something oh my god she would be like come to me she'd be like a thousand people have read my review and she'd like creepy keep bringing it to me she's like it's up to like five thousand it would be like it would just keep going up so

maybe this person got a bunch of views and then didn't get enough thumbs up it was like hmm maybe people don't like that I'm doing this it's like this isn't like my my usual ratio oh wait never mind it's that was their one and only review oh so maybe they just don't know what they're doing maybe they wrote that and then really just at night you know how that one guy kept seeing that that lighthouse in his peripheral vision because it wanted him to write a review speaking up on in the background maybe that's that's what happened she just kept it's like oh it would appear and then she would turn the light on and it'd be gone it was a it was a pile of clothes on a chair all along but in reality it just was her subconscious telling her you are misleading the fine folks of America with this review.

My God, yes. I think that's exactly. I do have one another quick one of West Quaddy, if you don't mind. Please, because that was my last one was the one that you just read. So perfect. Oh, really? Because I have like three more. Great.

I have some redemption. So after that. Oh, never mind. Okay. Well, this is a review by Haley. This is a one star review of West west quaddie head lighthouse one star lighthouse do me a scare do it because it's thick end of review stop thick is spelled t-h-i-c-c of course trust me i know um could you tell i i can tell and also stop giving teens internet. That's my new campaign.

Hayley, get off the internet. Christine 2020. Hayley wrote that two years ago. I wonder if now, two years later, it's like, would look back at that and feel shame. Well, yeah, you know, she just has worse peripheral vision. So she's just not seeing all the flashes of the lighthouse coming back to haunt her. All right. So you want me to do all my negatives before you do any redemption sure okay regale me well here's a another nubble review this is nubble lighthouse this is by john three stars i this is not a redemption it is one of those refreshing middle of the road reviews here we go great lighthouses woods bean suppers main end of

review i bet you he sent that to stephen king's publisher and was like he probably is he probably is stephen king's publisher he's like reading like carrie and he's like i can do this bean suppers this is okay y'all i don't know if i've mentioned this on the podcast i don't want to talk about beans i love beans i am obsessed with beans it's really actually a problem at least a can of beans a day. I microwave my beans and I eat them. And they are so good. I guess this is the time when I should say we've all been planning an intervention. No.

And now I guess we can do it live on air. No. A bean-tervention. Bean. That sounds fun. I'll go. Yeah, you would. You probably organized it for yourself.

Are there beans there? Okay. Anyway. Sorry. I'm getting into? Okay. Anyway, sorry. I'm getting into a mood because I love beans. My screen just started. My screen is flashing. Like we just triggered some sort of NSA code word and now we're being monitored extra heavily.

I wouldn't be surprised. Hope they can bring me beans. Okay. Now you're becoming just. Too much. A nightmare, really. A nightmare. For me. A nightmare. wouldn't be surprised hope they can bring me beans okay now you're becoming just too much too i'm a nightmare really a nightmare for me a nightmare for me personally i gotta say that's the first time i've ever wanted to go to maine was the bean that's the first time i'm just kidding um actually all looking at all these lighthouses i've i'm serious i really want to do like a tour

of the east coast and go and look at all these lighthouses. Like I want that to be a thing I do. Wouldn't that be fun? I literally was reading these going, I wish I had like a little house in Maine and I could just go. Okay. I don't want to fucking live there. Let's go. Let's reel it in.

Well, I mean like a summer home. What? You know, like a summer home. You want a summer home in Maine? A thing that I can definitely afford is a summer home in Maine. I live in Pequitonkee, Maine in the summers. And if I just eat beans only, I could probably get enough money to make myself a little cabin underneath a lighthouse until they find me there and kick me out.

I'm well on my way. I eat a lot of beans. Yeah. Oh, do you? Yeah. I'll tell you more about it next episode. Here is a review now of Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse. I assume it's not base. I don't think this is a very musical place. I'm not sure. But Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse. Who's to say? Who's to say?

This is by Shannon. One star. By Shannon. One star. This lighthouse is a single floor house for coastal guard on which a light is placed. Visitors are not allowed inside the house. End of review. So this person gave it one star, described what it was.

Right. And that's it. And I think it was a complaint because they said, oh, all it is is a single floor house for coastal guard on which a light is placed which is accurate because it is a lighthouse good job but it is quite it is quite lovely I think this is this is one like where it's located and stuff is beautiful along the rocks and stuff and it is quite it looks somewhat small compared to other ones and it's not very oh I just sent you the same picture I was like said gonna send you thanks for sending me what looks like a postcard over and over again yeah it's these are beautiful though they make me i do want to do like a tour of this of like these lighthouses and like do a podcast where i just

review all these lighthouses and give them 10 out of 10 stars each time and talk about their histories. I'd love it, honestly. And I was honestly thinking just now about the time I was in a lighthouse. And then I remembered I was in Germany and I was like, that's weird. Why was there a lighthouse? Then I remembered it was a windmill.

So I don't think I've actually been in a lighthouse because I've just been a lot of windmills. Was that when you were dating um tim allen was it i actually got really embarrassed because i thought you were going to talk about maximilian and i was like let's not talk about that please can we change the subject oh god no um yes i don't think of him nearly as much as you do which is true about tim allen as well but i mean i don't think anyone thinks about tim allen as much as i do they better not stay back because she'll get you stay off her man oh my god anyway

um yeah i do i feel like i must have been in a lighthouse at some point in my life but even when i went to maine i didn't see one lighthouse because i was only there for a day and it was like pouring rain you idiot i know i feel really dumb about it because i didn't know that you're so i'm so mad at you right now it was so dumb because it was literally my last trip before quarantine so i i'm like wow i really didn't take advantage you know fuck i'm so upset okay okay i'm gonna host another bean to wrench in if you don't calm down. And I haven't had my beans today. That's why I'm so irritable. Yeah, I can tell. Just my coffee beans.

Am I right, folks? Okay, I'm done with this. I have one more review and then I swear I can stop talking the rest of the day. Do you have any redemptions? Nope. You kidding? Great. Okay, this is by Mia.

This is a two-star review of Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse. Not up to the expectation. Very small place. Limited parking lot. We drove one and a half hour to get there and waited for 20 minutes to get the car parked as there was an ambulance for some reason. End of review. Oh no!

Oh no! What is wrong with people? I mean i mean see here's the thing there is no reason to like for most for most reviews if you're giving a negative review you shouldn't be mentioning an ambulance it doesn't make you look good oh i wouldn't have included this the other stuff it's like oh parking is terrible lots Lots of lines, whatever. It'd be like, okay, boring, whatever. But if you're complaining about an ambulance being there, come on. I mean, I think the complaint would be if there was no ambulance and there were just

whatever injury befell the person in front of them. An ambulance couldn't get here. So my leg was broken and it wasn't set until an hour later than I wanted it to be. Yeah. Two stars. I was in pain for an hour longer than I should have been because their surface roads were bad. Two stars. Wow.

That's very specific example. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, I agree. I don't think this is like one of those where the vaguer the better. If you want us to be on your side, be vague. So true. So true.

Don't give us details like, oh, there were first responders saving someone's life. Boo. You know, it's just not a good look. So there's a way to do it. All of you. If you write a negative review, be pretty vague. But if you don't want to be on our show, if you do want to be on our show, apparently write a three star review that's really vague about like saying something like it's a lighthouse or it exists or it's there or make an observation.

Yes. Very basic observation and nothing more. Nothing more. I'm done. Great. OK, well, I have a redemption for you. This is a redemption of the Portland Headlight Lighthouse. This is a five-star review by joy it's a fitting name by the way in some old life i may have been a sea captain a lighthouse keeper or maybe just some hgtv fixer

upper who wants to live in an old seascape house either way main's oldest lighthouse struck right at my unanchored heart. Despite it being in June, I needed a jacket due to the cold winds drizzle and cold sea spray. It's a short walk from the parking lot and is handicap accessible with various viewpoints. There's a small gift shop on site and while pricey, it's cute and artsy. The best part? Portland Head Lighthouse sings and oh how mighty is her sound. End of review. I have goosebumps.

Like, not even joking. I gave that review giving goosebumps. I love that. And it was actually helpful because they talk about the weather and the accessibility and the gift shop. Yes. Oh, that makes me so happy. I actually have goosebumps because we don't get ones like that. It's lovely.

And their name's Joy, which is just wonderful. It's joyful. Joyful, joyful. we adore you joy never forget that joy cool cool cool cool cool cool um this is my other favorite now this is a redemption that megan from maine sent in so um who actually suggested this theme so this is a uh redemption of the west quaddie head lighthouse and this is a redemption of the West Quaddy Head Lighthouse. And it is a five star review by Dan. Back in 1968, when I was a kid, my old man decided to take us to Quaddy Head to be the first people in the United States that day to see the sunrise. We got up in the middle of the night and started driving. We got to the park just before sunrise

and boy was my pop upset when he realized the park was closed. The only time I can recall ever seeing my pop break the law was that morning when we hopped the gate to go stand by the lighthouse and watch the sunrise. End of review. I know, I'm gonna cry.

I just got more goosebumps. I was wrong. Maybe Stephen King's publisher just goes through Google reviews to find his next talent. Because these people... Maybe we should become publishers and just do that. Don't give our idea away. I mean, Dan just handed a true crime story right in our lap. He is in jail now after posting this.

But I think that makes his story all the more poignant i've broken into 50 lighthouses before they caught me all i did was watch the sunrise from them but i'm the lighthouse damn it it was worth it lighthouse damn um no that is wonderful and maybe we should just change our show and only read those like i actually this kind of all i care about really anymore only got small amounts of time but want big amounts of flavor canora has got you our new canora rice cups deliver all the tastes without the prep or wait time we're talking yummy creamy heart goodness. Choose from loads of delicious, more-ish flavors ready in only two and a half minutes. It's not cup food, it's good food in a cup. Visit Knorr.com to learn more.

Today. Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong.

The New Empire. Now playing only in theaters. Can we do my challenge, even though we just said we're not going to read anything else except Playhouse Reviews? Yes, I think we'll allow it this episode. So this challenge was sent in by Jer, or given to xandy by jare who's a member of xandy's hog pen on twitch thank you i know i don't i don't really know the words that i'm saying but there you there you are also jare sent something to my po box and it's for you for me yeah and i mean among other things uh including see that little squirrel right there

that's my squirrel um from jare oh God. There's something for you here. What is it? I'm saving it. I'll let you know when you're here. What the hell? Yeah. I want to know now. No.

Okay. This was sent in by Jer, and Jer's challenge was to find reviews of people stating that the movie was better than the book. Dun, dun, dun. Now, this challenge gave me a headache because people on the internet complaining about whether a book is better

or a movie is better is just like the most circular, never-ending, pain-in-the-ass forum. It's funny. Jer was like, what kind of challenge should I give? And I said,

well, I want her to have the worst headache ever. So perfect. Just kidding. I hope that Jer sent me some Tylenol in that package because they succeeded in giving me quite the headache. So this actually, I didn't think it would be this easy to find like entertaining reviews. So here we go. This is a Goodreads review of holes the movie holes oh sorry i love that movie me too actually it's a sorry it's a goodreads so it's a review of the book technically but so this is a review on goodreads of the book holes which i also love tyson commented and by the way on goodreads on these like forums there are no stars so it's just people posting their thoughts

which wow what a dangerous a lot of people do but okay because you know we are literally saying our thoughts and sending them out into the world intentionally broadcasting them yes so we can't talk that's a fair point this is a review by tyson of the book holes the movie was way better by the way i am 10 and overview just really low shia labeouf and by the way me too also that was a great movie and a great book yeah i don't know if i read the book i remember we owned the book but i don't think i ever read it. Oh, I loved the book. And I will say, like, on these Goodreads reviews, man, or forums, people are just arguing with each other and being like, can you even read? And I'm like, okay, like, some of these people are 10 years old.

They're going to say they like the movie better. Like, come on. Why even argue about this? Like, obviously, 99.9% of people are going to say the book is better. Yes. And I would agree most of the time. But why even argue? Yeah.

I keep getting Goodreads notifications that I have a new friend. And it's someone I haven't talked to in like 20 years. Oh, that's awkward. Since I was like six years old. Wait, for real? Primary school. Yeah. And it's like every time that someone signs up like with their Facebook or something,

it connects to me. So I get all these people's like, and then I'm like, now they don't think I read because I don't update my Goodreads. I think they probably think that you were if you updated it with like one book, it was like maybe they would think that Beyond Zebra by Dr. Seuss is the only book on there that I've read. Because all the other ones you think the movie is better. So now I found a goldmine next. and this is on a website called Common Sense Media, which... I don't like that name. Yeah, which if you don't know, is basically where parents go and tell other parents how

acceptable a movie is for their children to watch. If there is swearing or violence or smoking or drinking or insinuations of anything at all. That's a lot worse than that app that tells you when to take a bathroom break during a movie. Oh, yeah. Do you know about that? I do know about that. I forget what it's called, though. I feel like it was a great idea in theory.

Pissinima. That's terrible. And I don't mean that's terrible, that's rude. I mean, that's just a terrible name that you came up with. I know what you meant. Okay, good. So I went on Common Sense Media. Now, what I didn't realize before about Common Sense Media is that there is a kids section.

Where kids are allowed? Where kids can write their own reviews of things to warn other kids about the bad things that happen in movies. He said a bad thing about Jesus. No, that's literally some of them are like... I know I wrote that on there. Oh, you did? Oh, so you're Xander555 who wrote... There was literally a comment that said,

he used our savior's name in vain. I'm eight. And I was like, oh, okay. This is interesting. And it looks like from what i gathered either these children are being forced to write these by well either way they're being forced to write these i imagine by the parents but it's either like for it almost seems sometimes like a homework assignment because they'll write like a whole thing at like way too long for what i imagine a child's attention span for a forum that's actually kind of makes

sense like if you have like if you watch a movie in class and you're like now you have to go on there and like review it and that's precisely what happens pretty often actually i kind of like that assignment like i would like that as a sign yeah and i really hope these elementary school teachers think it's worth it because i'm gonna read you some Oh, yeah. So this is a review of the movie of Mice and Men. This is and they by the way, they put the ages of these children. So don't worry, I'll tell you. This is a three star review by Tobin age 13. Are there spoilers in these? There are no spoilers. Okay. And I think you'll see why. Okay, there's three stars by Tobin, age 13. I think that the movie was much better than the book,

although I only saw the last quarter of it. I thought the ending of the movie was much better than the book. I enjoyed the last part of the movie I got to see. It is worth watching. End of review. It's worth watching the last part of it. Last quarter. Does it end differently?

Like, I know how the book ends. They have like bags. I didn't even read this book. There were like bags of grapes or rice or some food item. And they were like, well, in the movie, there were four. But in the book, there were three. And I was like, okay, well, that seems like a really specific. You haven't read it.

It's fantastic. I know. But you read it. And then you got so like, you made me all upset about it specific you haven't read it it's fantastic i know but you read it and then you got so like you made me all upset about it so i never read it sure i've seen the movie as well well um i don't remember them ending differently so i look forward to your review because i'm like it's kind of alarming okay i do like that like this kid clearly didn't do the homework and then was like i really liked it even though i didn't really see it also it was really good it is worth watching even though i didn't watch it i slept through the

first three quarters yeah i yeah i slept through most of it great it was the best nap of my life um okay so then this is a review of the chronicles of narnia the lion the witch and the wardrobe and this is a five-star review by Robin, age 12. When I was in second grade, this was my favorite movie. And my mom and I went and saw it in theaters at least three times, probably four. I think the movie was way better than the book, but that was because I saw the movie in second grade and I read the book in fourth grade. That is, if I read the book. I i can't remember that would have been three years ago end of review okay i love it i read the it's so much better than the book is there a book i don't even remember this person is a future yelp reviewer right exactly exactly yeah and not

necessarily in a bad way they're at least like giving all the context and not being mean. I just love that like of all things, the Chronicles of Narnia, like C.S. Lewis. And they're like, I don't know if I read that book. It was three whole years ago. I think it's not something I would remember. But I love how they were like, well, yeah, I liked it, liked the movie better because I saw that in second grade while I watched the book in fourth grade. It's like, or watch the movie in fourth grade. It's like, is that because in second, like fourth grade was much shittier for you?

So like, like, I'm like, I'm wondering what that means. I don't understand it one tiny bit. I mean, year for them. So they just were like, they're saying they read the book in fourth grade, which, oh, yeah, oh yeah i see what you're saying so maybe maybe it was just a tougher time all around or maybe they watched the movie four times first and then read the book and were like wait yeah where's the popcorn well i did that recently i uh my friend lauren suggested i read the book gone girl because i had watched the movie despite watching the movie, even though I knew like anything that happened at the end and stuff. And I really enjoyed the book.

I got really into it. It's a good book. I actually call it the good book. I'm sorry. Yeah, I feel like that was one of those where I went to the movie and everyone walking out of the theater was like, the book is much better. And I'm like, well, yeah, it's like a thriller book you can't necessarily make whatever it doesn't matter

but because there was so much in the movie that wasn't that was so much in the book that wasn't in the movie exactly well yeah how how can you put all that into one movie you can't it would be awful at least it's like a good movie from the material given now imagine if you like jesus christ superstar it's like given the material you can't do a whole thing but you can create jesus christ superstar out of the bible yes and just a little abridged version it's still good yeah it's just abridged it's just a little more musical yeah um i can you imagine though now if one of us went actually i'm not sure if i ever watched that movie or read that book that was like two years ago like can you imagine though now if one of us went actually I'm not sure if I ever watched that movie or read that book that was like two years ago. Can you imagine?

It's just so comical to me the time frame how this works as a child like that was three whole years ago. I can't even remember if I read it. But if I did it was way worse than the movie. Wait at least in my case another few years you'll forget everything that you did in the past like 10 years. And it's a good thing. It's a good thing is how I look at it. doesn't keep you up at night anymore no um okay now next we have diary of a wimpy kid yes i know this is the good stuff so this is a five-star view by hayley age 12 oh god you shouldn't see that movie awful i thought oh maybe like i feel like critic okay

maybe you're thinking like of captain underpants i remember that came out when we were oh my god i forgot that came out um but this one uh the the parent reviews were pretty bananas because they were like there's one character who does devil worship and i went what which i guess there literally is a lot of people mentioned that but i don't know maybe they were just playing with a ouija board or something okay this is a review by hayley it's a five-star view and she's 12 years old the movie was super funny it was also really cool because we were alone in the theater because it was right after school anyways it's even better than the books i hope they do more content warning this movie contains sexy stuff wrong word i'm so glad you used the wrong word wow wait what wrong word sexy i i don't think they meant to say sexy oh they they they uh picked from a drop down of like all the things that sexy not sexual

it's sexy it's part of the website I think that's why they maybe it's just in the kids version they think sexy is better than sexual no it's not this child thinks this movie is sexy not this this movie contains sexual themes oh this is sexy that That is not okay. Can you imagine Haley posts this and you're like, look at it. You're in her fifth grade class.

And she's like, what a sexy movie. And I mean, I can't fathom how this helps anybody, really. I mean, okay. I was a wimpy kid. If you read my diary, it is pretty sexy. I'll give you that. Sexy stuff. Content warning. Content warning. If you read my diary it's it is pretty sexy i'll give you that stuff content warning content warning if

you read my diary sexy just sex just the word sexy you're right though that it's the word sexy that's so bad it's not like contains which by the way i highly doubt that this it's not even captain underpants which i guess the title has undergarments in it but like this movie diary wimpy kid i can't fathom what in this would be sexual let alone sexy like such a bad i honestly don't know i i like really i don't know anything about this i didn't read it i i feel like this was like after our time like it was like maybe yeah i don't know but not too old for it even though i did read it assuredly i read it but that's okay i was definitely too old for it maybe yeah i just i feel like i was never really exposed to this but i did i do want to oh the

movie released in 2010 i mean i was a junior in high school or senior in high school so yeah you wouldn't have been allowed to see sexy stuff no no i was not yet i wasn't 18 no no no um but i will just say the budget for this movie was 15 million dollars box office 75 million oh shit did pretty fucking well so sex sells i take back what i said i mean it doesn't seem like it was a notoriously bad movie um but they also had like sequels the next two years i did i did recall that yes because i remember francisco was about the age of where she was interested in these kinds of things not sexy things just these watch it watch it these books in general okay well so now i have uh i should have probably given a warning up top about that. I didn't really.

How sexy it would be. Yeah. Get up in here. Give it a chance. So now I found this, that's it for, I know you're all bummed, but that's it for Common Sense Media. Now I found this list on Goodreads called The Movie Was Better Than The Book. And like, boy, were people pissed off about this list.

People were saying we should be able to downvote these and you know everyone's like basically all the comments were accusing other people of not being able to read or of saying like they didn't even read the book i'm like then why do they have a goodreads account that's a stupid argument you don't understand literature if you think that the movie version of diary of a Wimpy Kid is better than the book version. The movie's way sexier. So one of the comments was by T. So everyone in the comments is arguing,

and this is where my headache kind of formed because I'm reading these back and forth like, okay, yeah, nobody can read like you can. I get it. Okay. And then T commented this. Hey, have any of you read Hunger Games? I know I sort of changing the subject, but I just love that book. End of review. And then T commented this. Hey, have any of you read Hunger Games? I know I sort of changing the subject, but I just love that book.

End of review. Trying to like calm everyone down. Just like, let's talk about how great this book was. And then sitting in the midst of chaos and like no one's listening. I did really enjoy those books and movies. The Hunger Games? I did really enjoy those books and movies. The Hunger Games? Yeah. I did too. So I will say after this, I actually remembered that in the Beach to Sandy Patreon group, like the day or the day before you suggested this challenge, I was like, I saw somebody

posting about this in the group and I went and found it. And so Kate had posted, long story short, I started reading the Princess Diaries diaries not a fan and was looking for kindred spirits in the one-star reviews anyways I found these truly wild one-star reviews and thought I'd share the reasons I don't like the books in no way match these I just think the characters are awful so I did find that this was a very uh very strong opinion a lot of people hold I also read the books and I was pretty little, so I don't remember, but the movie is way better. And I guess in the books, the characters are a lot more like intense and depressing

and like kind of shitty. And then like the movie is more fun and like relatable. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that movie actually, yeah. I know. And so then somebody, Michelle commented and said, this was the second Anne Hathaway movie better than the book, the first being The Devil Wears Prada.

And then I looked up The Devil Wears Prada and it had like three stars out of like tens of thousands of reviews or something. And I was like, Jesus, I didn't know this was such a low rated book. But I guess it's the same idea where the main character is like not great. And so people love the movie. Anyway, so this is all just to say that people were discussing this in our group before we even had this challenge. So I found one of the reviews that Kate had posted. So this is my last one.

This is a review of The Princess Diaries. One star on Amazon. Huge warning. This book is trash for the mind. Sadly, the cover and title appear innocent enough, but only two pages into the book. Huge warning! This book is trash for the mind! Sadly, the cover and title appear innocent enough, but only two pages into the book, my 13-year-old daughter came to me to inform me that she probably shouldn't be reading this book. I later sat down to look through it and was appalled and sickened by the disgusting material I read.

This book should be banned from all young impressionable minds there is a lot of talk about sex disrespect for parental authority immoral behavior etc there's also a hidden agenda to this book there is much talk about the main character joining greenpeace the mother beat i'm not even kidding last thing i expected what the mom's kind of like a hippie oh so a hidden agenda jesus christ yes exactly there's also an hidden agenda to this book there is much talk about the main character joining greenpeace the mother being depressed because her former boyfriend was a republican how diesel emissions are ruining our ozone layer making fun of Christianity,

using the Lord's name in vain. Main character writes a paper for her teacher stating that Hillary Clinton and Madonna are two of her most influential people. There's animal worship, etc. It is strongly evident that this author is a liberal environmentalist. Our society is falling apart by the seams and it's authors like Miss Cabot that make us see why. The contents of this book is enough to make any decent mother cry. I only wish there was a rating with no stars. This book would receive it from me. End of review. Oh no, why did you end on that? I don't know. I hated that. Thanks, Kate. Could you imagine, like, okay, liberal is one thing,

but trashing someone for being an environmentalist, I don't get that. No. I don't get that. Wanting what's best for the environment? I don't get that. That's not what that means. What does it mean?

Tell me. An LE, a liberal environmentalist. I know that's a bad word, so I want to be careful. They don't want diesel cars. oh i didn't realize that they want to heal our ozone layer oh i know i guess i missed that part they like madonna as long as they don't like hillary clinton i'm happy don't tell me they like hillary clinton well i think that might be too much for your heart to handle today so I'm gonna leave that one alone but um yeah I just was I love when people use the the l word as an insult yes me too like that man um who like harassed me at a Chipotle which I don't know I think we talked about it on an episode and then maybe I deleted it I'm not sure um but either way he kept screaming you're a liberal and i was like oh am i okay like is that

i know am i offended i don't know so it's just like really strange um i'm actually a uh a left fuck i always mess it up a lunatic left wing liberal loser liberal loser thank you um yeah i mess that up every time too that's why i just say the quadruple L the quadruple L I should have told him that you also might have messed it up without me realizing it I should have said read the pin read the pin that's now sold out karma back to you is what it says now

yeah we've got a new one karma back to you out now anyway so that's that I know that last one wasn't necessarily about the movie versus the book but Kate's post was so I thought it was relevant. Yeah, no, I think that was relevant. I'm sad you read it, but I respect it in a way that you read it. We can also just blame Jer for it, if that's okay.

Yeah, Jer, what the hell? She can deal with that, the ramifications of the blame. My present better be really nice. All right. Wow. Well, no, that was well done well done i enjoyed that oh thank you so this theme idea comes from stacy who suggests we do reviews of small towns and i mean i might be we might be biased but i am leaning towards doing small towns in ohio because there's some fucking small towns in Ohio because there's some fucking weird towns in there. Yes.

And there's a lot of like Amish towns and people get really... Remember that one earlier challenge about being rude to the Amish? Yes. There's some small towns. And I found a website called niche.com. Sounds like an ad. It's not. I just literally just found it a minute ago.

And you can review towns. Oh, hell yeah. And it's like has all the information about like median income it's like for where to live but then like i'm surprised that so i looked up a random one tip city ohio that i've been to it's like outside of dayton um tip city bootstrap tip city yeah i was waiting for that it's from that song and there are like surprising 36 reviews of tip city ohio on this website and like that's just one random town so i assume we'll oh this is great i want to do small towns in ohio stacy thank you so much i'm

looking very much looking forward to this that's a good one so i have a challenge for you this was sent in by alissa who says hear me out find a review of someone complaining about the taste of an inedible object. Maybe like a flavored lip balm, a candle, or even something more insane. As a child, I can remember biting into some questionable object, so I'm sure there are adults out there who are still learning their lesson. LOL. I love that.

I actually have tried hand sanitizer before. Oh, God. And it was not... Don't do that. Don't eat it. God, don't even... It's not good. I mean, it's not safe't do that don't eat it god don't even it's not not good i mean it's not have you ever tasted uh tissue paper it tastes pretty gnarly tissue paper like sorry like

streamers actually have you ever tasted a streamer they're i don't know what it is but it's like repulsive i have no idea um so that's from alissa thank you Who I from it says Alyssa from Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, there we go. A.K.A. Murder Town USA. Thanks, Alyssa. Yeah, sounds good. And also one quick announcement. We are also doing our Patreon live show next week.

It's going to be Wednesday. It's not really a show. It's not really a show. It's like a Q&A stream on YouTube that we link to from our Patreon. So you have to be a patron to be there. But we're doing it on Wednesday the 19th. And that is at 7pm Pacific time. So that's 10pm Eastern time. Yeah. And hopefully we'll see you there. We do it for an hour and we just chill and on video and chat with y'all so hopefully uh you can make it that's right we'll be there we will be there promise we will be there i know it might sound

like we won't be but we will be see you then bye everyone bye Bye.