Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 90: Small Towns in Ohio

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone and welcome to Beach 2 Sanity Water 2 at the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. I'm your favorite host, Christine. I'm your second favorite host, Alex. I'm not even going to argue it.

And we are here today to... You're going to get the pity points, so don't worry. I hate Christine. that was my plan. Now you brought it up and now, God, now I'm not going to get them because you brought attention to that fact. Remember in early episodes when people said I was like mean to you or rude or something? I don't know. Or people said I had like a bad attitude.

Oh, that was a thing. They said I had a bad attitude and I was like, yeah, I do have a bad attitude because I was. Yeah, that's it. Period. End of story. No, I'm just kidding. I worked very hard. It's hard having a podcast with your sibling because you're like... Yeah, dude, no, but did those reviewers realize that we're siblings?

Because I would understand that if it's like we're getting to know each other through the podcast. Then it's one thing. If you hear a host be assholes to each other, right podcast like then it's one thing if you hear like a host be assholes to each other and it's like what the heck but then here it's like part of the charm i know i had to get used to just getting really amped up to do a podcast and not just like sitting here um complaining to my brother on skype so in any case here we are this is beach you see any water too wet this week we are covering small towns in ohio and this is episode 90 so we are 10 weeks away from episode 100 sandy don't remind me it's all i'm already nervous about it we'll figure it out if you have ideas send them in yeah this theme

is from stacy so thank you stacy for sending this in introducing us to the world of niche.com yeah niche.com quite niche uh hashtags not ad not ad uh definitely not ad it's basically you can rate your town it's kind of like glass door for but for your town so there were a lot of like i live here and blank or i moved here from blank well it was really interesting because you'd have like all these reviews like five in a row talking about the prevalence of drugs or crime and then suddenly someone would say there's a high pollen count here yeah it's like okay you can say whatever you want like there were like there are different categories that you could do it under like overall experience what the community is like um but yeah it was all over the place

people talking about weather people talking about like grocery stores transportation infrastructure crime everything it was actually really interesting it was interesting and there was and it was just ohio that we were reading so i feel like they were probably you know there probably be more variety if we went elsewhere but um i wonder that i read that i didn't save because it just didn't seem worth it but right now i want to mention it it said um there are a lot of jobs here but they're all taken and i just thought that was such a strange comment like i don't know that's just an example of like some of the strange stuff that we probably encountered today. Okay.

So do you want to go first or me? I'll go ahead. Okay. My first one is of one of my favorite towns, Tip City, Ohio. I left that one for you to make sure you got to cover it. Yeah. So I went with a couple of friends, John and Kirsten. We went up there and just took some photos and did a little photography visit. Not like for this episode.

No. Like they did this a long time ago. Years ago. God, that was... It sounds like you did your research on the ground. Weren't you in high school? Maybe. It was either that or like just out of high school.

Probably still in high school. I don't know. In high school, Kirsten like turned around once and saw me and was like, you still go here? And now we're friends. But like, I don't know if we were that close in high school to go to Tip City together. You got to be really close to go to Tip City together.

So true. So in any case, it was the better half of a decade ago that you went to Tip City. And I only said that because I know Kirsten listens, so she'll have to feel bad again because I bring that up to her all the time. I'm sure you do. Anyway, here is a review of Tip City, a quaint town outside of Dayton, Ohio. Three stars. I am not too concerned.

End of review. I don't know what. The category was community. So I'm not sure what they are not concerned about. But hey. Do you think it's one of those things where niche says like suggestions, like what do you think of the pollen count? This is the thing is this was the only one I found like this. I don't know because I feel like.

Mysterious. And maybe that says more about the reviewers that the reviewers were overall more intelligent than we were used to, which I would argue is true like the niche reviewers seemed very good at what they do for overall yeah i don't know so this just seemed really out of place in all of the tip city reviews like a lot of them were very well thought out and then you just get some random person saying i'm not too concerned i mean i guess like good for you yeah hey you know what i want to live my life like that because i have to say something i am too concerned i am too concerned for my own good for everyone else's good about every part of my life and everyone else's life and so you know what maybe i should be more like this anonymous niche reviewer true i'm i am concerned

about our podcast hitting a hundred episodes that is not something normal people would be concerned about maybe we should print that out and anytime our anxiety spikes we can just send each other a little like reminder message i am not too concerned three and you shouldn't be either yeah um three stars actually uxenter i'm looking through right now almost every single one i have was three stars because the one stars were super sad yeah the one stars i just i was like well yeah what do you expect in one star review about a small town it's just someone has awful experiences there sees a lot of terrible things why would we talk about that on our podcast yeah as my brother my brother me uh brothers say my brother my brother me brothers say

no bummers so uh we got to avoid the bummers sometimes yeah sometimes we on a comedy show we don't always do that but i'm not too concerned see good see using it for good already so this is a review of a place called sugar creek township now Now, what I did was I went to Amish. I typed in Amish country and then looked up all the towns around it. I like that idea. Thank you. And then I decided promptly that Blaze and I were going to go on a trip to Amish country at some point soon as like a little getaway.

I'm very excited. He doesn't know it yet, but it's going to happen. Okay. This is a review of Sugar Creek Township, Two Stars by Niche User. The summer is a very pleasant season. It is warm for the entire season. It sometimes gets uncomfortable with the heat and the humidity. During the summertime is when the most thunderstorms occur and the possible tornado goes through the area.

The fall and spring are also pleasant seasons and the most beautiful. Winter is unpleasant to me because the temperatures get to be so cold and it snows most of the time. The weather impacts my life most in the winter because it gets to be hazardous with the snow and the cold. Roads become unsafe to drive on. The most essential items in my wardrobe during the winter is a heavy coat, hats, scarves, and gloves. During the other months, a light jacket will be just fine. During the spring, a rain jacket is very useful because it rains more frequently. End of review. See, this is what I was talking about. Those niche reviewers are so good at what they do. They just throw it all out there. Lots context lots of information you don't need it

do you know what this reminds you of the way dad would describe like his own wardrobe like you know how he brought him up a lot recently for like over describing things for over describe because he keeps over describing things and i don't think he listens to this anymore and if he does this will be my cue uh but so he yeah like he'd be like and then but sometimes you know like there's just a caveat for every possible scenario and then yeah no you're right it's got you gotta have something like i do that too though i the caveats i guess i got that from him i'm all about caveats we're all about caveats on this podcast. That's what we're all about.

But I like that review. I know. It's just so like descriptive. And what's funny is Ohio weather is generally like weather, you know, like you get all the weather. Yeah, you get seasons. But instead of just saying that, like, hey, you get all the seasons, you have to describe all of the things.

And then, hey, if someone's moving there, they can be like, you know what? Oh, great. So I will bring my light jackets as well as my heavy jackets. What do you call them? Heavy coat, hat, scarves, and gloves. Yeah. So it's actually useful potentially for somebody. I do like that it says the weather impacts my life most in the winter.

Like, it's like, okay, wow, now we're getting serious here. This is a real deal. I feel like a lot of this review though was like, there's a subreddit called that's how this works or that's how it works where it's like, yeah, that's how weather, it's like, yeah, that's weather for you. That's kind of what I was thinking. It's sort of like sometimes it rains, which is why you need a rain jacket.

It's like, oh, okay, thank you. Oh, my God, I love it. My next one is of Trotwood, Ohio. Three stars. It's typically very quiet. I wouldn't choose to live here because it is becoming a ghost town. This area will become like our larger city, Dayton, Ohio. A slum.

End of review. Oh no, the big city. Can I just say? Oh no. Someone went to school in Dayton. One of my best friends, Liz, also went to school there and lived there for a bit. That's not how I would describe Dayton at all. But I haven't lived there, so I don't know. And also, it's interesting how they're saying,ton at all but i maybe but i haven't lived there so i

don't know and also it's interesting how they're saying oh this place is becoming a ghost town it's becoming like dayton ohio the larger city maybe they meant like a ghost like in a bad way like oh yeah like like it's becoming haunted the underworld poltergeists are taking over yeah just like in dayton well for just for some context trotwood has a population of 24 000 dayton has a population of 140 000 so if trotwood somehow becomes like dayton um by like be growing six times as large as they are now i'd be really impressed then dayton's gonna take over the freaking world i don't know if that happens yeah then that means dayton's getting pretty big too i don't know

something's weird's happening in ohio there's something afoot in dayton like power plant what did shakespeare say again in the state of denmark but the state of dayton something smells something's rotten in the state of dayton we're so bad cultural references i referenced that once obviously incorrectly and didn't prove my and didn't correct myself for you know intentionally and then so a bunch of people sent me the actual quote and i was like well hey yeah some of our like the most interaction we get on social media is when we fuck up. So, you know what? We should probably edit this so we just really messed it up.

Okay. Anyway, your turn. Okay, my next one is of Berlin Township, Ohio. Three stars by Niche User. Stop saying Niche User. Literally every review is from Niche User. Three stars. These were all anonymous, by the way everyone they are there's

no like name on them three stars overall my experience here has been good and bad i don't think you know what overall means that's my favorite one because it's like it's exactly what we said last episode where you said if you write an observation with three stars that's just pretty basic and doesn't really add much to the conversation we might use it so here we go yeah and we've used two of those now because my first one was kind of like that just yeah observation means nothing three stars middle the middle of the road i guess like yeah i mean listen it's been pretty good overall and also pretty bad overall oh no oh no well hopefully it gets better because we want you to love the town you're in we do uh oh sorry who was that

niche user anonymous niche user. Okay. This next one is of Wellston, Ohio. We're learning so much about our own state. So much. This is a three-star review. There is no public transportation because there is no need. End of review. Okay.

We don't need your fancy buses around here. Get your own e-bike and travel the countryside yeah wellston actually that's where e-bikes were first invented that's what i thought yeah that's why they're so against public transportation it's like why would we need those when um we can and like also this is the home of bird scooters too like yeah they were all invented there everything everything was invented in wellston most things that you use in everyday life were Also, this is the home of bird scooters, too. Yeah, they were all invented there. Everything. Everything was invented in Wellston, Ohio. Most things that you use in everyday life were invented in Wellston. I told you, we're learning a lot about our own state.

And we're teaching a lot, too. We are also making you learn a lot about our state. Passing the knowledge on to the listeners. That's right. Okay, so the next review I have is of Heath, Ohio. And I later found out that hazel had sent this exact review in which was pretty wild because i was just reading random towns but this home of the heath bar right yes it was invented there yes heath ledger was actually named after this town as well oh that's right he was born there that's why no sorry sorry no heath bar was named after

this town heath ledger was named after the heath bar so right indirectly but anyway continue yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um so this is a three-star review of heath ohio by niche user i'm sorry i can't stop i knew i almost said it last time and i was like okay i cannot feed into this this is a three-star view weather isn't a problem except it's hot one day and it's cold the next day, which bothers a lot of us, actually. End of review. Us? All the niche reviewers? Do you know what happened just now?

I found the second review ever where someone changed their mind mid-review. Yeah, that's true. They said weather isn't a problem, except actually it bothers a lot of us man i love how i set this up as like these niche niche users are all like really good at what they do well spoken and yeah and then of course here we are reading the only bullshit ones like that it's hot one day and cold the next actually that's very bothersome i love that they changed their mind in the middle of the review about the weather much like the weather itself it's pretty oh that's super meta like they were

just making a statement with their own wording wow so we take it back this is a very this is a very deep and um educational and informative review i like it but actually that is true about ohio weather it does tend to just change very suddenly. I think we learned that the second we started this episode where everybody insists on talking about how many jackets you need. But thank you for illuminating us. Just in case you haven't gotten the hint yet, everyone.

All right, here is a review of New Carlisle. Two stars. This is a bedroom community that has declined since the closing of the GM plant in 2008. Population is mostly white, retirees and young lower income. Although there is also a nice Latinx community here. Ideal place to live if you're old, white, and wish it was still the 1950s. End of review. Oh my, I'm moving.

That's, that, wow, that's powerful. I mean, you know. It paints a picture. Do you miss Elvis? Excuse me? I'm asking you, do you miss Elvis? Oh, personally, yes. He's alive and well living in New Carlisle, Ohio.

That's another thing people don't often realize is that a lot of presumed dead celebrities actually just moved to Ohio. And that's why they're assumed to be dead. It's a fair assessment. I mean, why do you think Dave Chappelle moved to Yellow Springs, Ohio? It's to be closer to these supposedly dead celebrities like Elvis. Home of rock and roll. Yeah. Yellow Springs, or wait, New Carlisle, home of rock and roll.

Forget the literal Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is in Cleveland, right? Am I making that up? Yeah, Cleveland. It's actually Yellow Springs. But we're not going to look that up because if we're wrong we're going to get a lot of chatter on social media we're just trying to spice things up on our instagram make people angry okay um this is a three-star review of monroe township ohio if you don't have a car you have to walk at least an hour to get somewhere drugs are taking over if i could do it all over again i'd live in a box or a dumpster end of review oh that took a turn i love how it's like not oh if i could do it all over i'd probably live in a different town no no same town just in

a box that's what i was wondering like do they mean like i would live in a box or dumpster in monroe township or like i'd rather live in a box somewhere else in new carlisle right in new carlisle that's a good question yeah i know that's deep yeah maybe they're they have are worse off in their current situation than that. So if they did it over, they'd move up and step up into one of those situations. Step up and back down into a dumpster. Yeah. Step up a ladder and fall right back into a dumpster. I think that's what they mean.

Yes. That makes sense. Well, hopefully you got out of that town. And go get yourself an e-bike if you have to walk an hour to get somewhere. We know a good place. We know a good place. We know a good place. Let me scroll through my notes to remember what that town is called.

Also, folks, the only reason I know... Wellston, right? Home of e-bikes. The only reason I know what an e-bike is, again, to bring our father into this is that... I'm so mad you keep bringing up e-bikes. I'm sorry, but he got an e-bike and he never stops talking about it. And he'll sometimes ride his e-bike over to my new house and um so i've learned a lot about e-bikes lately uh and that's why they're they're in the they're on the brain and it's what's crazy is he lives in wellston now so he takes the e-bike

all the way from there to your house it takes him days yeah my house in the dumpster he has to drive all the way on his little e-bike to my dumpster house oh no we might have to edit this because i just doxed you and told you that you live days from wellston by e-bike someone's gonna triangulate that really quickly jokes on you i don't know where wellston is in ohio i certainly don't either so i barely know where I am in Ohio. Good. True. Anyway, I have another one from New Carlisle, of course. Of course. Two stars. Lived in New Carlisle for 35 years.

People are not friendly. Very low income. Must own a truck to fit in. Closed minded people. No nightlife except Speedway. Holy roll. I fucking love Speedway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's a bit everywhere. No nightlife. The first time I read it, I thought they meant the Speedway. I was like, oh, cool. They've got a racetrack. And then I read it again. Or like a roller rink. Oh, no.

Literally a Speedway, which is a convenience store gas station. I'm like, hey, that's something's some something to experience they have a good icy and then uh yeah i i love speedway like okay only in the sense that oh it reminds me of being back home and driving to indianapolis two days ago because i'd always go to uh speedway and get like a iced frappuccino thing or some weird monster energy or something. Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with a good Speedway. A lot of times people mention Walmart or Speedway or whatever as kind of a joke, like, oh, there's nothing to do except go to Walmart,

and they were being facetious about it. But this really feels very serious. There's no nightlife. Oh, well, there is the Speedway where sometimes we gather it's you gotta pick something i mean my friends and i though we would go to the 24-hour walmart when we were like oh yeah like we'd hang out there and we just goof off in the aisles i love that or like the parking lot okay i mean this is a very ohio thing but maybe maybe it's not maybe it's a general thing. Look at the title of this episode. It has Ohio. I know. So we're allowed to be Ohio. Yeah. I love hanging out at a good Walmart, but the nightlife, the word nightlife I've never associated with Speedway. So that's kind of,

my mother, I'm sorry, let's just pause for a moment. Cause my mother just, a text came in on our screen, on my screen that says, do you know who Joe Rogan is? Oh no. on my screen that says do you know who joe rogan is oh no so i'm just gonna let that sit there for a minute um that's so random why would you wait why are she experiencing joe rogan um i think tim recently signed up for podcast alerts on yahoo news or something because he keeps sending me pictures of his screen of articles that say like oh true top podcast yeah it'll say like top podcast and i'm like but that's a picture of your computer screen i can't like read the article he told me mom won't let him start a podcast maybe he reached out to joe rogan for tips and mom's like why is this joe rogan guy calling

our house phone oh our house phone asking asking for tim oh boy anyway speedway nightlife and speedway i'm sorry um yes no nightlife except speedway holy roller heaven dentists make a good living here end of review oh what um at first i was like that's kind of random maybe this person is a dentist and i'm like is that an insult is that just saying like that like we're trying to be an insult or like oh it's like lower income so yeah that might or like meth you know yeah i make that joke about like people use oh my god maybe yeah then i was like this yeah so yeah it felt random until it felt extremely specific. Yes, exactly. What was the first sentence again? Oh, you need a truck.

Yeah, it mentioned must own a truck to fit in. See, I just picture this guy rolling in on his e-bike and getting shunned out of the town. Just turn around. Get out of here. We don't want your kind here. Yeah. Yeah, that's very, it feels very Ohio. Must own a truck to fit in.

I mean, not that we had that in cincinnati but yeah it feels like rural ohio yeah it feels like bethel ohio feels like bethel like good old bethel what doesn't feel like bethel these days fuck right with trump presidency is basically fucking like bethel across spread across the entire country it's a nightmare it's like a disease it's like don't bring up disease in this time i'm sorry you're right what am i doing everyone please please wear a mask the bethel virus is coming for you and your family okay this now i was in monroe township and i accidentally i don't know what i did but i i was reading reviews and i was like what the hell's going on then i realized i'd clicked west holmes high school in monroe township because i was doing like related towns oh and i

think i somehow ended up at a review in on niche.com but niche has high school reviews i didn't see that cool a lot god cool site niche is dope hashtag promo code beach beach to sandy um west holmes high school in monroe township so i just picked it anyway two stars the food was better before mrs obama decided to screw it up oh my god we used to have i can't i don't even want to know what it is to have guess what we used to have like pizza or chicken nuggets or something we used to have the choice of yummy french fries with ranch dressing every day now we're lucky to get it once a month the serving size is so small i'm still so very hungry after eating lunch.

The price is ridiculous for the amount of food we get. Most of the foods serve people don't like because we're teenagers and not many teens eat peas, carrots, or other vegetables. End of review. That's the problem. That's the point.

That's the point. We only eat ranch dressing in this town. Well, yeah. It's like, they won't let me eat French fries and ranch dressing every day for lunch. Every day for a dollar. I mean, I'm just, listen, as a former teen, I probably would have felt the same way. Don't get me wrong. Yes.

But it is a little bit like, yeah, that's the idea. I do hope that this person grew out of this review you know like this is a review that i feel like i could have written at some point in my life but i hope like i look back now i'm like yeah i would i've grown out of that review and now i'm like i'm better i'd be better off if i hadn't eaten fries yes you're kind of like if i had kids these days quote unquote i probably would feel the same way yeah that my parents you don't even like i grew out of it but i mean to be honest this seems kind of like oh obama thanks obama and i don't know that that's ever gonna kind of change yeah but something about it where it says thanks mrs obama it makes it seem a little more formal and nice

because they had to add the missus to make sure that people knew they weren't talking about Obama, like Barack Obama. And we're talking about Michelle Obama. So instead of saying like, I don't know, it just seemed so nice. Like, thanks, Mrs. Obama. Yeah, before Mrs. Obama decided to screw it up. Yeah. It is quite formal. Yeah.

And it's like, oh, well, I'm glad that she came in and screwed everything up for you. And gave you like canned green beans. Yeah. And it's like, oh, well, I'm glad that she came in and screwed everything up for you. And gave you like canned green beans. Yeah. Peas. That's very specific vegetables, though, too. Not many teens eat peas, carrots or other vegetables. This is how I'm learning a lot about teens on this show. I'm trying to gather as much data as I can so I can fit in. I was going to say like a lot of people wrote like, oh, I grew up here and I still live here. I am growing up here or something. I feel like there, a lot of people wrote, like, oh, I grew up here and I still live here. I am growing up here or something. I feel like there are a lot of younger people writing some of these reviews.

Yes, I noticed that, too. And they were very well, still very well thought out. But a lot of them were like, you know, I'm looking forward to getting out of here when I can. It has these socioeconomic problems. I'm like, oh, I probably wouldn't have, have like made those connections when i was younger not even now we sit here and are screaming about like ranch dressing i mean we're definitely not the ones who would have written about socioeconomics at any point in our lives that's true but yeah i noticed that too people would be like oh i grew up in this small town and after college maybe i'll come back but yep who knows because yeah here are the the

downsides no more ranch that's the only downside and my thinking was i can't wait to get out so i can be away from my mom and dad and they're like i'm looking forward to escape these socioeconomic problems but i hope one day to contribute back to my town and make it a better place for future generations like fuck yeah we i moved back and i certainly didn't have that agenda i can pretend i did but i really don't think i had that agenda when i moved all right well it's not too late to make a change okay that's what i always say oh my god okay i'm not too concerned off the rails here is a review my final one this is of mansfield i'm gonna call this a redemption um that's where the prison is what that's where the prison is oh yeah people did um it's haunted oh mansfield oh okay

that was yeah that was mentioned but like this one is a redemption because, and this is for all those people that don't listen anymore who complain that we complain about religion. Well, sorry, religion is. Yeah, but we have some awesome pastors and people who listen where I'm like, that's pretty dope. Exactly. Thank you for that. I like this review a lot because this is a three-star review, but I liked it. So here we go. Three-star review but it was very I liked it so here we go three-star review

I moved to Mansfield Ohio in 2012 to raise my son and be closer to my family my dad pastored a church here so not only was I able to grow closer to the Lord I had my dad to assist me in my Christianity although this city is small it still has much to offer and has potential for much more in the years to come I'd like to see more community outreach programs that involve homeless individuals' life skills and give an opportunity to complete odd jobs in which they can earn daily funds. They would also be allowed an opportunity to perform daily hygiene. End of review.

Oh! Just a nice, like, very clearly, like, well, somewhat clearly thought out, plan for uh the homeless community in mansfield that's beautiful that's wonderful um what was that five star was that a redemption it was a three star because they were kind of criticizing how the town is and i like that because it was like hey this is i love this town but it's lacking these important things for our citizens and guess what what i have a way to change it not me this user i'm like i was like yeah right i certainly don't i certainly i say bring back

ranch dressing christine 2020 but i don't think that that's gonna fix much we're gonna do our first live show in mansfield back in mans Mansfield, Ohio, and collect funds. In the prison. As I'm saying it out loud, it sounds like a joke. And then I'm like, but that would be cool. I would do that. There's like an abandoned, I believe the Mansfield, it's either an asylum. I don't remember.

It's some haunted abandoned building. It's very creepy looking. People on social media will tell us. Don't worry. I will find out. And I will probably be shamed for not knowing it. So I apologize. Okay, Zandy, the last thing I did was look up Greenville, Ohio.

Do you know what that is? Shawshank Redemption? I don't know. No, it's where we used to go to attend the Great Dark County Fair. That was in Greenville? Yes. We used to go to a fair called the Dark County Fair. And we had a blast.

Yeah. It was just like a... Basically, there were... I don don't know we used to walk and i remember getting annoyed because the dads wanted to look at all the tractors and so we would be like no we just want to ride the rides and then but we'd run through the rvs they had all the rvs that were for sale like really nice rvs we'd like run through them and like you could like go in them yeah and then they had like animals and quilting i mean it's like a very ohio county fair oh yeah and deep fried oreos which are an very accidentally vegan product when you think about it i think it's very intentional actually

oh yeah yeah ohioans love vegan being vegan yeah um that's the thing is dark county fair from i believe 2021 onward has been committed is committed to becoming a completely vegan yeah fair that's correct they're the first the last thing that would it's incredible because like they have so much livestock and so they've had to get rid of like 90 of what makes the fair run yeah but at least they still have the demolition derby they do still have that famously vegan hurting cars is ethical yeah like contrary to common belief um it is actually perfectly moral and christian behavior so anyway the great dark county fair in greenville ohio so there's a three-star review by jeff and he reviewed i guess he was reviewing the um the fair itself technically

oh by the way this is on facebook oh okay that's fine because i'm gonna read you the comments afterward okay not as good as years past prices are high and to be honest not too impressed this year and the dunk clown could have done without him was joy there this year okay so that's his review that is an ohio fair review dunk dunk clown okay this is a pretty massive fair though it seems very odd that like such a specific review still you know you want to know something it's really not very big it isn't felt very little big because we were children because i looked it up and it was like compared to county fairs in like illinois and you know all these other towns and counties it's really not that big um but it was very comical that he asked for joy and uh the dunk clown apparently i thought at first

he meant drunk clown because i was like that's fun but now he actually meant something we're like yeah you like dunk the clown yes i think so ball at a target yeah that's what i believe because other people also ethical also perfectly ethical to harm clowns yep uh okay amy commented who is joy i know everyone at this fair. Who the fuck is Joy? Wait a second. Who is Joy? I've been going for, well, let's just say many years.

I think it's still great. Then Jeff commented. Oh, by the way, Jeff is the one who wrote the review. Yeah. The mime that has been there for the past several years. So I guess that's joy okay wait there are mimes are you sure you am i just what i also don't know if he's responding to amy or if he's just like adding that onto his own i assume he's responding and saying hello joy the mime don't

you know she's a local legend she's a local legend but was she there this year who knows and then gregory responded the dunk clown thinks too highly of himself also these people don't know each other because this is on a public forum so it's just so strange how but how did they get to know this dunk clown well enough to have that opinion what is what is the situation was it like if you if you hit the target you get a date with the dunk clown too yeah and then greg got stood up so he's pretty he's feeling really salty about this dunk clan okay gregory says the dunk clan thinks too highly of himself and his fake laughter at his own jokes was highly irritating oh okay um still we don't know really where if joy was there or not

okay finally the last comment is by amanda it says i'm gonna be my fan it says nancy also thinks too highly of herself who's nancy Who's Nancy? Okay. Nancy also thinks too highly of herself as a judge and jury on art. Calling a photo of an infant in a bathtub of bubbles child porn is ridiculous, especially when the similar one of a boy was allowed. End of response. Whoa.

Okay. That is some drama I did not expect on the Facebook page for Dark County Fair. Like a small town county fair Facebook page has created like quite a world for all of us. It's like Oscar and Angela in the office. Her like baby photos. My goodness. I just love that Amanda clearly submitted a photograph of a baby in a bathtub and is just like really salty that Nancy didn't approve. And calls it art, which I haven't seen it, so I can't judge.

Not that I'm the one who is going to say what's art and what's not. As artists ourselves, we have a pretty strong claim on what is art. And this sounds like art to me. I will say, however, that the say however that i wouldn't buy it but no christina would oh certainly not okay um i but the fact that nancy is a judge or i'm sorry an art critic at the dark county fair i'm like what a strange role she has and she's so high and mighty in that role just like the dunk clown i wonder if um this person amanda felt that maybe action would be taken if she left that comment like left that comment was like this

will this will take her down this will do it this will do this is the threat this is the thread that will fix the dark county fair y'all think that that dunk clown is bad? Get a load of Nancy. Listen to what she did. Did anyone back her up? Go on a date with Nancy and you'll learn more about her than you ever wanted. You'll take her home. Show her your pictures of babies. She won't be impressed. She's not going to be impressed.

And, you know, all their fake laughter, all these people with their fake laughter. And I still don't know if Joy was there this year. Wow. We got to go next year to find out still don't know if Joy was there this year. Wow. We got to go next year to find out. The thing is that Joy's a mime. So it's not like we can just hear her and her fake laughter. She's just too good of a mime. She's just miming.

She mimed being there by not being there. Is that how a mime works? It was so excellent that we didn't even realize that she was there. Anyway, that was that. I think I'm confusing invisibility with miming, but that's okay. I mean, I think once you've mastered the art, that's kind of the only way to go. Oh, well, that was a lot of fun. We learned a lot about Ohio. so thank you stacy for that

thank you stacy for that challenge or theme now xander is it time for your challenge it is so alissa sent this one in um and basically i had to find reviews where the reviewer um complained about the the taste of something that you weren't supposed to be that wasn't edible right eating yeah um it was very difficult i have to say and it was fun it was fine but like it was hard because all of these sites also sell food so like i couldn't like just do oh it tasted bad because, and I searched Walmart, Target, and Amazon. I mean, Yelp was impossible because it's mostly restaurants.

Like what? Right. I'm sure they exist where someone was like, oh yeah, I thought that was edible. But like I couldn't find anything. So like it was really hard. And I apparently, I guess people don't like to admit being this dense, you know? No, really? Yeah. i guess people don't like to admit being this dense you know really yeah so i found some random ones that don't quite fit the theme but popped up or fit the challenge but i i want to start with

the ones that do fit so this first one is of etude house dear darling water gel tint grapefruit red five count of um something it was like a lipstick like it wasn't quite that's what the name was on amazon and then people called it a tint oh okay like a lip tint sure yeah but yeah the description was not very clear of what it actually is it's amazing how for how many words and how unclear it is yeah it's in the category of lip stains lip stain which includes probably lots of things but whatever here is a review a two-star review it's just like lip gloss with a bad taste has a bad taste does not last long at all end of review also has a bad taste by the way that part by the way it tastes

terrible oh don't eat it please yeah so um but yeah and that was weird though because i'm like i get like i've never put like i've put like chapstick on and you can taste it right so like it's kind of weird like it better taste decent yeah you don't want something disgusting where you're like put your put it on your mouth and Yeah, you don't want something disgusting where you're like, put it on your mouth and you're like, ugh, your tongue touches it. Because you're bound to taste some of it, right? Yeah. That's true.

That's true. So that one felt a little weird, but technically, whatever. Not edible. Technically, don't eat your Lip Tint. Just in a technical sense. Just only in a technical sense. So then I found this review of Bodie Dog Bitter Lemon Spray. Stop biting and chewing for puppies, older dogs, and cats.

Anti-chew spray. Puppy kitten training treatment. 100% non-toxic. Made in USA. Man, Amazon is a journey. Yeah, and this I found in the question and answer section. So here's a question. Can I spray this on a christmas tree

that has lights on it will the moisture damage the lights so apparently someone's animal is munching at a christmas tree so my oh no better watch out for that here is the answer that was given though i don't know if your lights are indoor outdoor lights i'd assume it's fine since they should be weather resistant. But this spray didn't work for my dogs. It's definitely bitter because I accidentally tasted it. End of review. That's good.

So I don't know why this person threw that in here. See, that's my favorite. It's these people who answer even when they don't have an answer and i'm like why are you writing i don't know and they weirdly felt the need to include in there that they tasted it they tasted it too that wasn't necessary if someone had asked like is this really better like does this really work that'd be one thing right but instead it was like literally just a very specific question about the lights and they have to say by the way it doesn't work because i tasted it but then again they're saying hey it was definitely bitter yeah i think they're saying like it didn't work even

though it was bitter which you're right it's still that it's still so unnecessary to include maybe you feed your dog garbage food so they're like wow this tastes pretty good compared to what they what they normally give us compared to that casserole tom makes us every night um maybe maybe tom is like literally trying like feeling it out to be like do other people eat this too like you know what i mean like oh i just i tasted it by accident and if someone else were like i ate it too what where did the name tom come from i never said a name so i just came out of nowhere like you just keep running with his name i'm like did i say i'm like checking again like did i say the name tom okay oh no don't worry i've built a whole world in my good i can

tell i love it but yeah i i don't know where this came from but um there's that and then i've got a review here this is a little bit of a different one okay where they weren't reviewing what they accidentally ate but here you go okay um this is a review of urfa palace uh in hanover germany um it's a donor place. Oh. Doner. I'm going to say donor. Doner. Doner.

I can't say anything with an R in it in German. That's why I don't speak German because it's embarrassing. That's why. Here's a one-star review. This is... Can you say currywurst? No. I got...

But that was one of my favorite things before I went to eat. I know. It's so yummy i got a donor kebab last night and it reminded me the time i accidentally tasted human kebab yeah you know why i say kebab we've had this conversation on this podcast we have yes you know i'm pretty sure you know why i say kebab no i certainly don't flight of the concords oh that's right literally because of flight of the concords i still say it because in that song he goes i'll uh i'll buy you a kebab okay i can't

believe yeah so he's sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl yeah that's why alexander doesn't speak english either he's just been traumatized left and right by every language y'all i'm a mess okay i just stopped me to be like kebab i still say kebab in my day-to-day life because of flight of the concords i mean i do you really say kebab in your day-to-day life or kebab like how often are you saying that word that's that's a food item in runescape tech is it really oh yes but okay you don't i don't actually but sometimes the sandwich lady comes by and says here have a kebab and you're like okay sandwich lady you know yes i know i totally been there too just runescape things okay i'll you want me to say kebab for you yeah it is kebab right now i'm like

now i'm confused christina i don't fucking know we don't speak english very well so yeah what do americans say is what we're asking not obviously obviously people say different things in different and it's not an american food one time i said nevaeh and i got so mocked as a child instead of nevaeh i still think about it that's pretty funny, here's a review of a kebab place. I got a donor kebab last night and it reminded me of the time I accidentally tasted human shit. It was the very same as visit do not eat. I got chlamydia and AIDS from the proper HIV over eating the food. End of review.

What? I don't know. Oh, no. I have good news, though. though what this review was in not recommended thank god thank god indeed yeah but when i searched for it on google it popped up and then i had to search for it within not recommended yes i've felt that before i've done that before but yeah um oh goodness this person has tasted human shit before which you probably shouldn't do don't eat any of the things as andy just talked about except for a kebab if you feel

like it but everything else no no no no no no no no no no no let's avoid that okay so now we've got a couple five star reviews and you might be like how is that possible well because these are the ones that are kind of like a little bit off brand but here we go this is a review of siam's uh siam circus anal ease uh lubricant oh dear um so this is a five-star review titled slight numbing with pleasure intact oh god i still love this stuff i use it personally with toys. Works great. I accidentally tasted it once. Not bad. End of review.

Not bad, wink face. Okay, well, thank you for that update. You're welcome. Oh, you're talking to them. I was. Well, here's my final review this is a review of glowfish 1.59 ounce colorful four flake blend food for fishes oh no food for fishes food for fishes so this is the one that i texted you about where i'm like i'm i was like i'm looking for reviews but i found this great one that hasn't

that's not really close to the challenge but you're like use it anyway i do it i said idc i don't care i do it all the time yeah so i feel better about my breaking the rules it's somewhat similar because the title is fish love it so much i want to try it oh dear that's a five-star review. Verified purchase. So I picked up this stuff because I noticed my fish were, like, bored about feeding time. And yeah, I know you're already thinking, this guy just has stressed out or unhealthy fish. Perish the thought, review reader. My fish are happy as fuck. They just don't like that crap flake food I was feeding them. When I fed them treats, they were always super enthusiastic.

But the flakes they seemed to have the same reaction most people would have to grits. Have you ever eaten grits? I was in Alabama once and tried grits. My question is, do people eat that on purpose? Oh no, I accidentally ate grits again. Must be what people in Alabama say a lot. So realizing I was feeding my fishes the fishy equivalent of grits, I was all, my bad fishes, I gotta find you something more delicious. Most of my tank is glowfish, you know, white skirt tetra with the jellyfish infusion. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about since you are clearly shopping for glowfish formulated food. But my non-genetically enhanced tetras love this food too. I like the larger tetras and have a mixed school of glowfish with white and black skirts.

They all school together just fine, by the way. No racism in my tank. I tried a few flake varieties by a few different brands and nothing really seemed to excite them. I thought about switching to pellet food for their daily dietary base, but I prefer flakes because it's harder for aggressive feeders to overeat, and pellets tend to make more mess in your substrate. But just as I was going to give up, I realized that the glowfish folks make a special glowfish food. Hey, I will try that. And try that I did. My fishes love it. They're always excited about feeding time now even when it's flake time they've been happily hunting for flakes at mealtime every day since i picked this

up about a month ago this stuff must be delicious i realized it would not make an economical meal for humans but if the fishes love it this much i mean it's gotta be better than grits right and a review oh my god wow this is the kind of friend i need in my life i know so enthusiastic you know yeah and that's the kind of fish owners we need people who care about their fish and do their research um because yeah don't keep your fish in like a fish bowl you know, as people who went to the county fair and won fish and probably did not take care of them the proper way, yes, I urge you to please do that now on my behalf. Remember that time, Christina, that we won, like, or you won two goldfish in Glendale? Oh, my God.

At some random, like, pop-up carnival? That was terrible. And then the man just handed me more because he was like, I don't know what to do with these and i was like i was like i don't want three fish and he was like here he's like take as many as you want because we're closing and i was like this is really troubling it is bad it is bad so yeah if you if you insist on owning a fish please do your research and please take good care of them by the way i bought like a huge tank and everything and i spent like 200 that i did not have but it was by the way i bought like a huge tank and everything and i spent like 200 that i did not have but it was by the way i was like i paid a dollar to win these damn fish and then i paid

like 200 to try and take care of them and they all died yep like overnight it was awful it was really sad yeah yeah anyway um i'm super glad this guy exists and uh tank you bought it was like what you well it was weird because you had to buy like a big like it was like a folgers tin right and then you just dumped it all out and put them in there i didn't know it was that expensive wow yeah i mean i'm exaggerating slightly it was like 12.99 at costco no no no no um wow uh yeah i love my favorite line i think is perish the thought do you know how to spell perish in that context because p-r-i-s-h is that how you spell it because i'm going to perish like die because i was like they spelled it differently and i'm like am i have i been doing this whole

wrong the whole way no how did they spell it they spelled it with an a so i feel better now oh okay like a catholic or like because i was like oh is that really different okay now i feel dumb that i brought that up no no i called them out it is perished with ease um then again i don't speak english so who knows at this point i am astounded by this review and i'm so happy that these fish have a happy owner a kind loving owner and i also love the phrase paris the thought and now i'm never gonna stop saying it we've taught we've learned two real important lessons today how to say kebab how to say kebab three is i'm not too concerned okay what about joy and joy is really really quiet you might not even know if she's good at miming yeah yeah yeah joy is

so quiet also that clown is an asshole so we've got actually we've learned so much this episode please i think like we don't give ourselves enough credit for how educational we are i think every other episode we do say this is an educational podcast we constantly give ourselves credit for uh undue credit i might add oh but speaking of which we actually got some funding recently from the national science foundation that's right bill nye himself sent it over for teaching the youths of uh very important lessons teens yeah like eat your peas yep eat your peas mrs obama wants the best thing for you eat your peas and cues and Eat your P's and Q's and don't eat fish food or lipstick. Yes.

Yeah. Anyway, that's great, Alexander. Do you want to hear next week's theme? I would love to. Okay. So this was sent in by Jen who sent a really nice email and explained that their home state, Rhode Island, is not only the littlest state, but also the ocean state. And it is called such because Rhode Island has the most coastline per mile.

So Jen suggested we do beaches in Rhode Island. And there are a lot. Let's do it. I know we did beach. Oh, wait, this is beaches again. Yeah, we've done beaches. So what? Does that matter?

No, I don't care. OK, they have the most beaches, apparently. So I mean, not of anywhere, I guess. I would assume that's wrong. Actually, do you know where the most beaches apparently. So, I mean, not of anywhere, I guess. I would assume that's wrong. Actually, do you know where the most beaches are? I don't. In Weston, Ohio. Or what's it called?

I fucking knew it was some dumb joke. Why did I even ask? Watson, Ohio? We don't even know the name Wellston. Wellston, Ohio is where the most coastline. Why in the fuck are they talking about my town so much? We don't even know the name Wellston. Wellston, Ohio is where the most coastline. Why is there someone like a town of 4,000 people who listen and they're like, why the fuck are they talking about my town so much? And how beautiful our coastline is.

Okay, so that's the theme. Okay, your challenge comes from Saxon who, I don't know, I think this is kind of funny. It might be hard, but we'll see. Okay. think i think this is kind of funny it might be hard but we'll see okay saxon wants you to find negative reviews of texas roadhouses where the reviewer just wrote them because the reviewer hates texas as a state um and specifically brought up and i i kept it that general but they specifically brought up texas roadhouses in oklahoma because apparently oklahoma hates texas a lot oh i see um and they have texas roadhouses in oklahoma yeah and they

said they said that as a native oklahoman i feel confident that these exist i feel confident i love that uh listen i'm gonna ride on that wave of confidence and uh try and try my best and also you know what if you find ones where it's like you know i hate texas but i love texas roadhouse i'll accept those too isn't that exactly that oh it's supposed to be negative yeah it doesn't have to let's say it doesn't have to be negative reviews reviews mentioning their hate of texas as a state okay got it texas roadhouse reviews okay got it wrote that down and then beaches in rhode island okay well great beaches in wellston beaches in wellston um it did suck see that's a weird thing because like like the um bird scooters and stuff that were invented there

yeah i don't do so well on the sand that's right and that's why it's so nobody knows that that's where they were invented because they get a bad rap over there and oh my god everyone needs trucks over there otherwise you don't fit in at least they don't need public transportation and that's thank god yeah all right well bye wellston ohio people since you're the only ones left listening goodbye to wellston and wellston only yeah and we'll see you next week wellston only wellston is allowed so dumb bye Bye.