Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 91: Beaches in Rhode Island

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to episode 91 of beach to sandy water to wet the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion my name is alex my name is christine hi uh oh my god it's so nice to see you oh gosh it's been too long um it's been so long. What's this? Oh, wait, what's this week's theme again? This week?

Did you actually forget? No, I didn't. Oh, this week's theme is beaches in Rhode Island. And that was sent in by Jen. And somehow, not shockingly, we always end up back at beaches with this podcast. So I think that seems to be the running theme of the show. Well, it's funny because next week's theme is water in kansas what the fuck are you talking about our show is beach too sandy water too wet so we just did

beaches so the next one is water yeah kansas you know that's not true by the way water i guess it still can be because i haven't come up with the theme yet. And my challenge was sent in by Saxon, and it was to find reviews of Texas roadhouses mentioning they hate Texas. I'm an idiot, and I didn't realize at first that Texas, you meant the restaurant. What else would it be? Okay, I knew it was a restaurant,

but I thought maybe it was a general term for like a type of restaurant. I realized really quickly you meant like the literal brand yeah the texas roadhouse i guess i didn't really know much about that place before i know a lot about it now okay good you can you can educate all of us i will okay how about i go first how about it because this is a review it's a one-star review by melissa of misquam misquamica state beach yeah it took i did my research about pronunciation yes about this one that's how you say it right yeah i actually knew that one for some reason well you said cut at the end like it was like

fine i didn't know it very not local okay you're trying to convince them that we know this stuff come on trying to be smart over here for once for once can you hear me over here hello unfortunately yeah oh okay because i'm talking over you yeah yeah i know so rude sorry okay every time you do it you should just say oh sorry your audio cut out. Okay. Sorry. I'm the one who usually talks over you. I'm just not used to it.

Okay. Miss Kwamekit State Beach. This is a one-star view by Melissa. Overcrowded, filthy, bizarre people walking around with barnacles on their feet and open sores bleeding into the water. End of review. That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I know. I know.

Oh, it makes me my stomach turn. It's like they're in Pirates of the Caribbean. Like those, you know how they have barnacles on their feet? The undead. Right, yes. People who like literally have barnacles the undead oh the right yes people who like literally have barnacles on them yeah that's disgusting yeah and um the fact that they're open source bleeding into the water makes me really want to kind of die a little bit so okay to be fair there's a lot of gross shit in the ocean that isn't okay that is very human stuff like plastic and waste and garbage yeah also like creatures that live there in there also bleed yeah it's it's a very large

body of water okay ocean but like the thought of putting your open wounds into the water where there might be trash floating i don't know all of it's bad in both directions it's bad to be putting your your infected blood into the water and it's also bad to be putting your infected water into your blood i'm sorry you are teaching us things today i know it's your turn now okay i'm gonna i'm gonna go ahead and also read my miss kwame read one of my Miss Kwamekut reviews because it might be related. This is by Dee. One star. Got a weird bump.

Almost died. End of review. Oh, no. I think Dee is one of those people walking around with a barnacle. I was like, hmm. What's this weird bump on me? Is that a barnacle? Do you think that that's why they

almost died yeah i think the barnacle um well i was about to say came to life and i'm pretty sure barnacles are already living they are okay i don't know much about barnacles this is bad we need to stop acting like we know what we don't know we are from ohio we do not have oceans near us so hey it's a waterlocked state in the middle of the nation waterlocked meaning waterlocked implies it's an island christina i know that's what i'm saying it's the most water rich oh i see i see i'm going back in our fun game that we played last week that i barely remember something about how ohio has everything this is so dumb what waterlogged has anyone ever said that before i don't know because it sounds like waterlogged okay oh yeah i'm gonna read another view because everyone seems to be getting injured

or injuring everyone else on this beach so So I'm going to go to a different beach called the Sashuest Beach. Did you read that one? Don't look at me for pronunciation. I didn't use that one. I looked on YouTube. I had to watch some lady's cell phone video of her driving through a toll to learn how to pronounce this. So it's pronounced, as far as I can tell by her pronunciation, Sashuest Beach. And this is a one-star review by Jen,

not to be confused with the lady in the YouTube video. The seagulls fly overhead as you are laying on your towel. It was quite unnerving. One eventually popped on my husband. It popped? I think she meant pooped. I hope so christina thank you i'm not sitting here actually thinking she meant a seagull exploded after those barnacles i'm not sure the local hunters came by and started popping these seagulls over my husband oh my god and one of them and feathers

rain from the heavens no wonder everyone's getting infected yeah my open sores were not pleased is avian flu still a thing because if so maybe i should go to the hospital oh my god i was watching schitt's creek and she says obvi and flu and it was like the funniest thing i've ever heard anyway okay one eventually popped on my husband it's not over there's garbage strewn about cigarettes and pop cans oh i think she meant poop cans stupid the water is filled with algae and has a brown tint, not blue. I guess we are spoiled with having gone to the top beaches in Florida. This does not nearly compare with places like Siesta Key or St. George Island. End of review.

Go Gators. I want to answer that with a pro-Rhodeode island phrase but what the fuck does rhode island have go seagulls go seagulls pop pop i don't think seagulls win in that battle though so probably not they pop they get popped they get popped gators it's really unfortunate very unfortunate well i have another review of Miss Kwamek at State Beach. This is a review by Allison, one star. Can anyone tell me if they allow grilling?

End of review. Is Joy there? Just wanted to start off nice and easy with the stupid ones. Oh my god. Can anyone? My favorite is that if this had been posted on amazon there would be like 85 people going i'm not sure yeah and and but like i said like we've said before you can't reply to google no you cannot reviews right unless you're

like the owner and i don't think there's technically someone sitting controlling this google actually maybe i wonder what would happen like if they posted that and somebody were like I don't think there's technically someone sitting controlling this. Actually, maybe. I wonder what would happen if they posted that and somebody were like, oh my god, I want to answer this. What would you do? Would you click on their profile and try and find them by other means? Maybe. If you're someone who goes out of their way to help these reviewers, good for you. I think it's not even necessarily that they want to help.

I think it's just like they want to say something because they have they have an answer they want to be helpful yeah or they want to look helpful like they want to seem helpful christina you're so like cynical no me someone goes out of their way to write to this person to let them know whether or not grilling is available and you're like they just want to seem helpful like they're literally helping someone and you're like they just want to seem like the answer is no because they don't like when people are grilling and they're like hey i'm gonna find you and your costco website or wherever i'm gonna go to your profile your costco website is that i'm a costco member can i get my own website christina why didn't you tell me that earlier what do you think dot co stands for

oh my god i'm sorry okay what i'm saying is you click on their google profile and then you're like how do i find them and there's probably connection i don't know what happens when you click on someone's google profile i'm assuming it links to other things i'm not sure so if you were to go and you want to tell them don't grill on my beach then you're not being helpful you're just being an asshole but you just completely changed the scenario since when is this person just telling them not to grill? Because that's probably the answer. Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, probably it makes sense because why would they allow grilling here? Like, it just seems so. Is that a thing? What? That beaches allow you to bring your George Foreman? Yeah, people grill on the beach. Plug it into a generator that you bring as well? I think you can grill without-

Just bring your own propane and everything? Yeah. I know, but I'm talking about a George Foreman. I don't think of George Fore- I'm aware you can grill without- Okay, you know what? Why don't you just read a review? Sorry, grill master.

All right, this is a review of- I grow a mean zucchini. Leave me alone. Oh, great. You did make a nice little grill out for us one time that was really fun tasty i have a beautiful picture of that like all the different stuff you grilled and it's really pretty anyway this is a um review of scarborough state beach and ever since i read that name i've been i've had that song are you going to scarborough fair

stuck in my head do you, I've never heard that. Can you sing it for us? Oh, yeah. I used to actually play it on the piano. Wow. I had no idea that was a song ever. And I've never heard you play it on piano. Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

I played it really slow. Wow. It's really depressing. Are those the lyrics? Yeah. Honk, honk, honk. it's like really depressing are those it was are those lyrics yeah hog conk it's written by simon and garfunkel i don't know if who's who wrote it i'm sure i guess someone else probably wrote it but they sang it okay of course i know the song i'm just i just wanted to get you to sing it i i know and i got gave you what you wanted. Thank you. Okay, this is a review of Scarborough Fair. Two stars by Matt.

Wait, is this an actual beach? Yes. Okay. I literally can't tell from this entire thing. For all I know, we're actually listening to reviews of the song Scarborough Fair or... Oh my gosh. Because I just decided... I remembered when I played it on the piano and i just decided we

were completely okay well that's you're not i guess it's not unreasonable to assume um now this is a review of scarborough state beach and i'm sorry i'm behaving this way i don't know why i flew in from los angeles last night maybe that's why i really have no i slept eight hours so i there's no reason i should be behaving this way um and i'm so agreed yeah so this is a review of scarborough state beach two stars by matt i've been going to scarborough for 13 years as it's close to the family home where i stay it's close and reasonably priced this beach has great waves and nice sand that's it the clientele is a bit on the seedy side. I actually heard one person dropping

F-bombs near a family. When the father confronted the woman, she replied, Do you know who my father is? She then intimated he would receive severe bodily harm. Just this week, I saw two women brazenly

drinking Corona beers next to their children end of review on that no i'm gonna be a terrible parent apparently yeah you are but um that aside um this is this is a mixed very mixed review um you get on the one hand, someone literally threatening bodily harm. Well, no. And that's one thing that it's like, oh. It said they intimated a threat of bodily harm, which I'm like, what does that mean? I guess. The thing is, though, this person, obviously, if there was something lesser done than that,

they would have still written it. So they don't have to exaggerate for them. You know what I mean? still written it. So they don't have to exaggerate for them. You know what I mean? They're not like, they don't have to exaggerate to be like, I don't think this is okay. Because they already think that drinking beer is not okay. Drinking a Corona of all things. I'm like, they're not taking tequila shots. I mean, they're drinking a Corona.

Also, they said an F-bomb near a family. Like, not to a family not i mean it's just so weird to me that you would see two people drinking a corona and go oh no this beach is full of seedy people i mean the thing is the whole bodily harm thing doesn't have to be exaggerated it was insane you know what i mean like they they could have said like they would have been unhappy if the person would have said you know i, I don't respect your views. I see. But instead they supposedly threatened bodily harm.

So I'm weirdly inclined to believe this reviewer because. I wonder what that means, though. She intimated he would receive severe bodily harm. Like, what the hell does that even mean? Like she went like a slice on the throat like i don't know like she her father is like a mob a mobster like i'm thinking that's what i'm thinking too because the number of times people brought up the mafia in these reviews i was like okay well the providence mob is like probably top 10 in the world in terms of in terms of like like- In terms of what?

Threatening bodily harm. Oh, intimating it. Definitely. They have leaderboards now. Do they? Yeah. Wow. Just threats though.

Just threats. Just threats. So they're one of the worst when it comes to actually acting out on these threats. Oh, I see. But they're good at intimating. But when it comes to threatening and intimating, yes, they are top 10. Like they'll never actually pop a seagull, but they'll intimate that they'll never actually pop a seagull but they'll intimate they're going to pop a seagull oh yeah yeah go gators my next one is of goddard

memorial state park beach this is by tina one star beautiful park beautiful. But my first time there with my family, and there's a used maxi pad on the sidewalk, along with other people leaving their trash in the sand, and parking lot everywhere. It was very sad because it looks like such a nice beach. End of review. That is so gross. I know. Didn't we have the same type of review when we did hawaii did we or honolulu whatever i'm pretty sure there was something used that was in the water

oh yeah you're right maybe what i'm thinking is it's the same maxi pad oh god around the the continents both north and south america it went through the strait of magellan straight up which you know i'm not gonna argue but because i don't know where that is but is that actually between is it well is that the southern tip don't ask me any more questions about it because i don't have said pan Canal. That would have been funny. Yeah, but straight of Magellan is a funnier phrase. I feel like I have no idea where that is. Oh, it's in Chile.

Okay, there you go. You're right. See, I told you I was right. I'm sorry. You're funny without... Without you having to fact check me? I'm funny and not smart. Well, because we always have to fact check ourselves. We don't though, right?

We could have just said it. That's true. And then said, have to fact check ourselves we don't though right we could have just said it that's true and then said don't fact check us that's true we should just do that more often you're right okay well also i'm like grossed out because there's band-aids behind you and i know i literally gave those to you after your golf injury but now i can't stop thinking about barnacles i had to go out and buy these myself. Oh, right. I gave you one individual band-aid. You gave me a single band-aid. Never mind. Never mind. But they remind me of all these barcodes. I'm the one who's lived here for four months and didn't own band-aids until now.

So I don't know why I'm getting mad at you for giving me a band-aid. You're right. You're right. Anyway. I'm right. Is it my turn? Yeah. Oh, right.

Okay. These are getting gross. I mean, they started off gross because they started off- Can you talk about how this is, it's not like there's a used band-aid behind me. No, yeah. You made it sound like this is gross. It's literally just a box of band-aids on my living room table. He has all these barnacles and he keeps trying to-

Stop. Leave my, stop. We said at the beginning that we wouldn't talk about my barnacles. Okay. That is not okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I crossed a line. We have the podcaster's code. I crossed the Strait of Mageacles. That is not okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

I crossed a lot. We have the podcaster's code. I crossed the Strait of Magellan and I went too far. This is the one-star view by BJ of Scarborough State Beach. The awful smell of raw sewage that you are all complaining about is from a sewerage treatment plant that is about 100 feet south of Scarborough State Beach. If you walk through the small wooded area just south of Scarborough South Beach, you will see the tanks and hear the pumps. The partially treated sewerage is pumped out to sea via an underground pipeline that exits about one-tenth mile from shore. Those tiny pieces of tan substance that you see circulating through the water at Scarborough Beach is human feces particles that flow from the sewerage treatment pipeline back to the shores of Scarborough Beach.

And then there are about 40 plus signs. I don't know why. Plus signs? Yeah, plus signs. You and your children are swimming in and walking on human feces from the sewerage treatment plant. And then there are about 45 equal signs so this is a formula i guess some sort of equation equation for over 50 years my friends and relatives from shrewsbury massachusetts and surrounding areas have traveled over 90 miles one way to swim at scarborough beach okay that makes her sound like a like a seagull or something

we've traveled over 90 miles one way for 50 years to swim at scarborough beach why am i not why am i not surprised that they're from shrewsbury am i right oh good point hundreds of us used to go to scarborough beach literally yeah they would flock there. What is that? You're right. It sounds like it. Or like crabs or something. They would just travel 90 miles one way. Hundreds of us used to go to Scarborough Beach each year. Now, only about a dozen of us go there. Hundreds?

I'm sorry. How do you know hundreds of people that you go to the beach with? I don't think I know hundreds of people in my entire life. I don't think we have hundreds of podcast listeners. Like, we couldn't get hundreds of people to go to the beach if we tried. I knew something sounded weird when I first read it. And saying it out loud, it really makes it sound like they're like, what's the word? Migrating?

Migrating. Yeah. Every winter to the trash, to the sewerage plant. Hundreds of us used to go to Scarborough Beach each year. Now only about a dozen of us go there. This year, none of us went to Scarborough. And the main reason is the outrageous cost of parking, not the toxic sewerage. When we went to, that was fine with us, I guess.

When we went to that was fine with us, I guess. When we went to Scarborough, we also spent thousands of dollars on lodging, food, restaurants, gas, rentals, etc. Now, whenever we do go to Scarborough, we spend nothing but the 20 to 28 dollar parking fee and we refuse to spend another dime otherwise. This hurts the economy for the Scarborough Narragansett area. This is our way of protesting the price gouging via the parking fees by the state of Rhode Island. The state of Rhode Island should be ashamed of itself. Even the mafia would not charge such an outrageous price for parking. End of review.

Okay, weird that there's a mafia tie-in. I know. I actually didn't come across any of those reviews. So that's. Oh, I had multiple. I also. Can we talk about how they say, hey, we're going to boycott these prices for parking by paying for the pricing, the prices for parking and avoiding local small businesses? Hello. Don't you understand who you're hurting here? Because it's not big big rhode island big but

rhode island it's it's uh yeah the local crab shack i'm not gonna support this local economy instead i'm gonna pay money to the state that'll stick it to the state protesting yeah that's not that's actually really not what that's actually the opposite of what protesting is however it might look like protesting when thousands of crabs are like marching along the beach. I don't know. Yeah, that's true. The local businesses are like, thank God those hundreds of crabs aren't walking into our stores anymore. We used to have like an influx, yeah, an infestation.

They tried to paint seashells all the time. We just had to kick them out. Now they're protesting i guess yeah that was just rude like hey we're not i'm not gonna i'm literally hey i'm not supporting this economy let me tell the internet about how i don't want to support the locals here and instead i want to pay money to the state it's so weird that they're like say they started like the first more than the hat first more than the hat whatever let's just understand what i'm saying first half of the review is is about the treatment plant and they go

on and on about like if it's a 110th mile from shore those human pieces of tan substance are are feces and you and your children are walking on feces and swimming in feces and then they're like anyway we're going here because or we're we're protesting the price gouging not like the poop floating in yeah i did i kind of forgot they were the same review yes i know i think the equation threw me that's right i'm not very mathematically inclined they said plus plus plus equal equal equal i haven't done the math yet but i'll do later and I'm sure it won't end well for anybody. Wish you luck. Thank you. All right, my next one is of Second Beach.

So I didn't find First Beach. I didn't really look very hard. But there was a Second Beach and a Third Beach. I didn't see either of those. This is of Second Beach. This is by Igor. This is a one-star review. I don't want to sound disrespectful, but I really did not like this beach.

Really dirty from algae and some nasty looking beach worms or some type ocean leeches. The city really needs to clean it up to avoid any diseases. After charging $30 bucks on parking per car, I think they have more than enough income to cover it. I do apologize for this comment. July 20th, 2019, 3 20 p.m end of review oh no i will just go ahead go ahead and turn myself into the police station for this comment here it is they were very yeah they were very apologetic and yet most of it was in all caps wow no disrespect and normal like very no don't mean any disrespect but let me scream over

the internet they're like every every time i write in capital letters my grandson tells me it sounds like i'm yelling and i'm not trying to yell i just don't know how to turn off caps lock but the thing about the beach worms is so gross i'm sorry like okay but what the hell are they talking about clean up the beach worms and the algae and like no if there was an actual like parasitic bad issue going on here i think the state would actually deal with it i don't know maybe maybe i'm being naive but it's fucking nature like you go you don't go into a national park see some like creatures and you're like the state they need to get rid of these like what if they carry diseases like you don't do that so why is the beach any different yeah that's true i mean like cleaning up the nature cleaning

up the quote unquote ocean worms i mean what do you guys do eradicate all ocean worms yes that's actually my platform 2020 eradicate all ocean worms because this guy on the internet said they cause diseases oh my god i mean and it's like literally like it's 30 parking per car you must have plenty of money to eradicate these ocean worms it's actually called they probably do but that's probably not something they want to do or should do they probably have to pay their lifeguards also 30 bucks i think is what you meant yeah sorry 30 bucks i mean oh my god oh there's so many gross things happening at this beach which i guess is just what happens when you put a bunch of like naked people in one place with also plants and animals i think people don't consider the fact that the beach is also a natural place and the ocean is a natural place so most of these one

star reviews that i found were complaining about seaweed we're complaining about rocks we're complaining about things that what the hell like what and don't get me wrong alex and i did used to definitely when we went to the beach complain about those things but we're not like we understand that that's not a thing anyone can control that's the difference it's like sure it makes sense to give information to people like hey watch out it's just really rocky or hey but if you're gonna say hey they need to clean up all this seaweed it's like no they fucking yeah that's a really weird thing to say um yeah it's not like they can control it and obviously it depends on a lot of other things

it's not just like oh whether they cleaned out the seaweed today or not that's not how things work um but it is i guess it's good to know um that there are some parasitic worms running around honestly i no offense to these worms but if if I read this review, I might steer clear of this speech. Exactly. I want to let them do their own thing. I wanted those parasitic worms to bother whoever they want except me. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so this is a review of the Oakland Beach in Warwick. This is a one-star review by Nicole. Dirty, dirty, dirty. If I wanted to feel this ashamed of myself, I'd rather just hit up the strip club. I won't even tell my friends that I've been here. The rat infestation is deplorable, and might I add that I was even lucky enough to have the opportunity for a rat to climb up my leg. Yup, and this happened near the playground, so hide your kids. I wanted to sue from the emotional trauma

of my rat encounter, but then I realized Oakland Beach has zero money behind it. Run away now. End of review. Ah. I've never heard of a rat-infested beach. Yeah, that's bad.

And I mean, that's when we get into the trash everywhere. That somebody should clean up, and it's probably the people putting the trash there. still like that's still something where like someone's job has to be taking that trash out so how about you people who go to the beach bring your trash back with you yeah i do agree though there should be a trash can this one place didn't have any trash cans or a dumpster or anything and it's by the sewerage plant as bj would say um so i was like if it's like a state-run beach and like there's they're collecting money and stuff sure but if it's just a location yeah but i think all of those beaches at least have some element of like state could like i mean i don't think they're just like random with nobody owns

the land or anything well okay but that doesn't mean that they're actively running this beach with lifeguards and everything. It might just be a spot that just happens to be beach that people like to go to. I guess. I don't know. Whatever. I don't know anything about beaches. Neither do I. That's my answer.

From Waterlock, Ohio. Okay, my next one is of Roger W. Wheeler State Beach. This is a three- star review by Robert. Loved it here when my kids were little. Now it's just a beach with lots of annoying little kids. Way too loud, no waves and nothing to do for teens. Oh my god. Literally.

Oh, now that my kids aren't these annoying kids. I find all these annoying kids really annoying. How do you not see that when you write that down how do you not hear yourself and then it's like oh nothing to do for teens what do they do the teens want to do it's right exactly nothing to do for teens right like what are you going to get like chicken soup for the teenage soul on loan on loan from the beach library oh that would be fun i don't know what do teens like i was not a normal teen yeah but like what do teens like to do specifically at the beach my space each other bonfires probably drink i don't know text yeah drink so like i guess you're right you could add some more booze i love how they're writing this

like like in defense of their teenagers yeah yeah yeah like the teenagers are like i'm bored i'm so bored at this beach oh you're right let me write a review about how there's nothing for you kids to do like i'm looking around what they're not providing you any activities i don't yeah i don't understand what that could possibly be nothing to do what is there for kids to do play in the water okay make sandcastles and stuff and i guess the teens are too too cool for school or something won't do it anymore i've never heard of someone being too cool for sandcastles but like okay i guess if you want to be that way i'm judging these teens that i don't know me too um, this is my last negative one.

And this is, so this was from an email from Maddie, who sent in a couple of reviews, and I picked one. It's a review of Misquamicate State Beach in Westerly, Rhode Island. This is a two-star review by Darian. The water made a lot of people inchy. End of review. Wait, ocean worms? Ocean inch worms?

Ew, there's something about the word itchy being turned to inchy that makes it so much grosser. It does remind me of worms, that's probably why. I think so. Yikes. Well, thank you Maddie for sending that one in. That's my last negative one.

Okay, I've got one more here. This is by Kaylee. Another three-star review of Roger W. Wheeler's State Beach. It's too bad I have to say this, but it's the seagulls there that ruin the beach. They're like possessed birds who attack at any sight of people or food. There was a nice little family who decided to bring their baby to the beach for dinner and about 20 seagulls attacked the baby on the blanket and the mother was screaming and they left shortly after my boyfriend

and i were eating our dinner on the beach and the seagulls were begging like dogs and circling our chairs it was terrible such a beautiful beach with lovely sand and beautiful views but the seagulls make me not ever want to go back oh my god is that baby seagulls now the baby was carried on the way they phrased it the pictures have you heard of balloon boy well here's uh seagull sally gull girl um girl raised by gull did you hear like that when she was explaining oh the 20 seagulls attacked and they left soon after it literally sounded like they left with this baby in tow like they left with a baby and took her away forever yeah that's what happened so this is like i listen i love birds, but I don't because I love nature, but sometimes

they don't because I'm scared of gulls. I'm scared of ocean birds like terns, you know? I know how you feel about terns. Right, but nobody else does because I try to keep it to myself because I try to be positive about nature, but people are like, why are you scared of birds? And I'm like, well, because things like this sometimes happen, and if this child is not afraid of birds, then there's something wrong agreed and they have not that's the one way to get over your fear is to be raised by birds okay that's fair that's fair so maybe it worked respect their

culture and everything yeah yeah that's actually true she was rubbing his entire face into the rug stop it you probably rolled in dead bird earlier today. He does like to do that, actually. I know. I've seen it. Okay. That was terrifying. Well, I have two. I have, let me see, two redemptions.

This is a five-star review of Lincoln Woods State Park by Mark. Huge, beautiful beach to spend an entire day with friends and family p.s these pictures portrayed here do not do any justice to this park please change them or take better ones thanks oh end of review that was on yelp so it's basically all the user submitted yeah let's submit your own it's so weird that they're just like now you didn't like i love this place but like you're really you're really uh not doing a good job here. I mean, that kind of makes me want to go and see it for myself, though. Do better.

It's kind of positive in that sense. Yeah, it is positive. I guess. It's like, please take better ones. Thanks. I'm like, why don't you take better ones? Like you said. Or why don't I go see it for myself?

Because it sounds lovely okay here's a four-star review by jane of misquant misquant shit misquamicate no yeah misquamicate misquamicate that's what i said this is a four-star review by jane not crowded on a cool early august monday we were hijacked by the aggressive gulls. One stole my sandwich practically out of my mouth, took the whole thing. And then even after warning my granddaughter, the same naughty gull swept in and took the second half of her peanut butter sandwich. Actually, that made this beach fun and memorable. Besides the soft sand, $6 parking for seniors i'm from illinois and the great waves

i vote yes to misquamicate state beach and the review love that sweet my favorite line ever is six dollar parking for seniors parentheses i'm from illinois yeah it was a parenthesis i didn't like catch oh my god that's where the seniors come from i just also okay now this was really weird and this is like a this is a real account i checked but this person is from get this sandwich illinois no yes and the gull took the sandwich all their sandwiches oh my god that's that's probably a really wow so it says like a short story in the making i know it's like wow punchline one stole my sandwich out of my mouth okay that's frightening and then another took that's what happens when you try to kiss a seagull

with sandwich in your mouth yeah jane weirdo uh and then the same naughty gull took the second half of my granddaughter's peanut butter sandwich but actually that was really fun wait okay did you know that's what i call women what naughty gull you naughty girl stop stop trying to kiss naughty gulls because then they take your sandwiches um i'll never let them take my sandwiches. Parentheses, I'm from Illinois. Naughty girls. Oh my god, I vote yes. That makes me laugh. Anyway, so that was my last redemption.

Thank you. You're so welcome. Now I guess I have to talk about my challenge from Saxon. Talk about it. This is therapy hour now. Yeah, I'm going to talk it out. So this is reviews of Texas roadhouses mentioning they hate texas now i struggled because as i told oxen or before we recorded that it's very very difficult to find to search for the phrase i hate texas or texas sucks or anything about the state of texas

without it just immediately assuming you're talking about texas roadhouse if that makes sense yes it does so if you're searching for reviews of texas roadhouse and you are trying to find out about the state of texas it's not going to differentiate between the two um so it was very difficult because anything that i typed in hate texas it was like i hate texas roadhouse and i was like that's not helpful um But I did find one that actually fit. And then I have a little bonus one because I thought it was funny. So this is a three star view by PJ of a Texas roadhouse in Columbus. Oh, and I looked at like all of them in Oklahoma and couldn't find. That's whoops.

Sorry. I know. Well, no, I mean, you didn't do it on purpose. But yeah, it was there were a lot of things on like Pinterest and weird forums about hating Texas, but not necessarily on like Yelp. So I even tried to search for like nothing good comes from Texas. Like I tried everything and it just didn't. I know it didn't come up.

So but here I did actually find one pretty quickly. And this is the only one that really fit the challenge. So this is of a Texas roadhouse in Columbus, Ohio. Three stars by PJ. I hate Texas. I live by PJ. I hate Texas. I live in Texas. I hate anything that has Texas on it. When I'm home in Hilliard, Ohio, we go here.

Probably the best steaks in Hilliard. I don't like Outback. Steak is great. Atmosphere is not so much. But the food is A-OK. End of review. Wow. That was one of the saddest reviews.

It felt really sad because this person has to now travel back to Texas where they hate Texas so very much. And even when they're in Columbus, they somehow can't escape Texas. Yeah, so sad. So that one kind of fit the challenge a little bit, I guess. Or I guess it did. It just wasn't very funny. It was just sad.

No, it was nice and what i liked is that they said they don't like the atmosphere probably because it reminds them of home of good old texas they're like i don't know what the atmosphere inside of a texas roadhouse is but i assume it's way too much it's probably a lot like bullhorns and yeah wood paneling they probably go pretty hard uh in the paint as far as like trying to lasso oh you gotta have a good lasso on the wall um yeah and since i said i hate anything that has texas on it which is very specific like saying i hate texas okay i think the point is comes across but then adding i also hate anything that has texas on it it's like okay well now you're

getting pretty hardcore he hates the map of the us of a oh he does has texas on it that's actually why he hates america so much because texas is on that is on the country of america what would an ohio roadhouse have oh i don't know what a roadhouse is but roadkill i don't know like what would be on the walls like i don't even know what whathouse is but roadkill i don't know like what would be on the walls like i don't even know what what would an ohio restaurant it would be very flat i would just have like a senior special okay some tilapia some tilapia some like really some boiled vegetables okay and i i said on the walls by the way when i said this yeah i know start talking about food okay boiled vegetables on the wall tilapia on the wall, by the way, when I said this. Yeah, I know. So I'm going to start talking about food. That's what I'm saying.

Okay, boiled vegetables on the wall, tilapia on the wall. Okay, just making sure you knew. Are you looking around your room to see what would go on a wall in an Ohio restaurant? I see you're looking around like, hmm, I bet there's something in here that would belong. The worst part is that I just moved moved in so it's literally an empty room so like i don't even have an example of what i put on my walls in ohio because it's just empty oh you know probably pictures of probably senior photos of people's family members probably senior photos probably like um like high school senior photos yeah yeah yeah yeah like random high school

senior photos of multiple flags flags of the of ohio high schools it's actually starting to sound pretty cool like just like random students photos on the walls and like it sounds a little creepy you know yeah very pictures of us like the two of us probably for sure we are we are from ohio and so are bird scooters so you could probably tack one of those up on the wall true um wow for someone from from i'm with the texas for someone from ohio i really have no grasp of like what would be uh involved yeah because it's ohio it's so middle of the road just generic ohio it's not anything special i love it there could be like a cost. Pictures of astronauts. We have a lot of astronauts. Oh, astronauts. Yeah. Astronaut space stuff.

We love, I mean, we, and I'll include myself in that, like love like sports, local sports. They would just lean hard into the sports probably. True. And be like, look at all these famous people who have relation to Ohio, including astronauts, athletes. Including former mayor of Cincinnati, Jerry Springer. Actually, scrap everything. It's just Jerry Springer themed. It's only Jerry Springer. look that up if y'all don't believe it's true it's true um

he was also born in a bunker in the uk did you know that we did learn that together as any no i knew that ahead of time and then you taught me that okay fine i learned it together with mom or whoever was there yeah i tell everyone i talked about that but now all of you know more about jerry springer it's a great story and the fact that he was mayor is pretty wild because apparently he wasn't a bad mayor either he was actually born sorry he was born in a subway tunnel that was being used as a bunker by the way i think that counts as a bunker i mean it was i just want to make it clear because it's even more interesting. Got it. It is. It is way more interesting. And he made it pretty far in life.

He became a mayor in Ohio, you know, just like we all aspire. The dream. Anyway, where were we? Okay, sorry. Now I have a... So I completed the challenge technically. So now I have a review that came up when I was looking up Fuck Texas. Nice.

And this is a Texas roadas roadhouse in colorado one star by heather fuck texas roadhouse they wouldn't accommodate a family oh by the way this um took place this is relevant to the the review this took place end of july so very recently so during covid times to clarify fuck texas roadhouse they wouldn't accommodate a family of five adults and three kids stated it's above the state minimum however it's dated 10 or less you stupid assholes i was let me state again was a loyal patron however that relationship has ended today end of review god forbid a restaurant wouldn't let you risk your lives and the lives of other patrons. And God forbid you end your relationship with this large chain establishment.

I know, right? I love that. That's a real bummer for them. I love that. I bet they're still, they put your photo back on the wall, your senior photo, and they're just shining over you, Heather. They miss you so much. Honestly, they're probably just looking for a

handout some sort of free thing like that's for there you see these people complain like this and say they'll never go again they're hoping someone will reach out and say send us an email and they'll say i'll only come back if you give me some gift card or free for all my pain or whatever for all my pain and suffering no threaten to sue or something and say like, blah, blah, blah. You know, we know how they are. The usual. I do. I'm wondering like what the problem was that the place was like, we literally can't serve you.

Because I think they would want to if they could. Yeah. To make money. That's a good point. They want money. They want your business. And they're probably going through hard times right now. And like many people are most people and most corporations are like okay if you're willing to

come we will serve you and they're like so at the expense of their staff they probably would normally want more people in there but i'm wondering yeah i'm wondering if that 10 person thing is for like family gatherings like at people's homes and stuff or maybe only outdoors yeah and like not restaurants where the restaurant is and maybe the restaurant has different rules for how many people can be there seated eight people seated at a restaurant right now seems like a lot it does seem like a lot um and i don't know if that's a law like yeah i'm wondering if that's just their corporate policy i don't know if that's a law. Like, yeah, I'm wondering if that's just their corporate policy. I don't know.

Who knows? You're right. Either way, it seems like, hey, they can choose not to. Either way, it seems like an overreaction, a little tiny bit. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I got for you. There was also a, actually, I found an article called,

This couple enjoys Texas Roadhouse so much they trained themselves to eat almost nothing else day or night and um that was on the washington post and i checked to make sure it wasn't written on april fool's day and it certainly wasn't so it's actually the truth um there's a man here i'll describe it to you he's wearing a vietnam veterans shirt next to his lovely wife who's wearing um what seems to be a combination of zebra print leopard print and um those little fuzzies that sometimes you get on sweaters like those little shimmery fuzzies uh and they're both eating steak and the guy definitely has a handlebar mustache and they look like they're having the time of their lives okay so um this person this article is written about these two and kelly gormley wrote the article and it starts some people don't like to eat the same food for dinner twice in a week ron and diana watson don't have those concerns when the couple

walks into the texas roadhouse in wichita each day between 3 and 5 p.m the servers immediately notify the kitchen to start their dinners with rare exception that watsons have ordered the same meal six days a week for 15 years that is why that first reviewer or that or the last reviewer who complained about this and said oh i'm never coming back that's why texas roadhouse doesn't give a shit yeah they got people like this who go six days a week for 15 years here's a little ditty about ron and diana i literally alexander they stopped drinking morning coffee like they don't eat anything but like no i'm not making this up ready they've been trained

they've trained themselves to eat almost nothing else day or night except this meal not even morning coffee ron watson will drink water with lemon throughout the day while diana will drink a protein shake for breakfast apart from that the food they eat while sitting at table number 411 or 412 sustains them until it's time to return the next day always at the same time for the early bird special it's been this way since 2004 i really don't want to know what they're eating but i weirdly do because this cannot be good. Oh, what they're eating? Oh, I'll tell you what they're eating. He gets barbecue chicken and she opts for the roadkill steak.

What do you like to eat? I really just have the roadkill steak every single day from Texas. And lemon water. He says, I'm a creature of habit for sure says ron watson yeah no shit you know there's no way um let's see we really enjoy eating there and i enjoy my wife not having to cook she used to do all the cooking though she found it tiresome and inefficient uh they've simplified their lives with such precision that they no longer have the mundane life tasks of grocery store trips washing dishes and meal planning um wow it's really wild

that they they really don't do anything else so oh sorry i lied uh the watsons skip the texas roadhouse only on saturdays because diana watson works late at the old town architectural salvage antique store by the time she finishes work on Saturdays, the restaurant is too crowded, so the Watsons head over to Hog Wild Pit Barbecue, where Diana Watson likes the macaroni and cheese. Ron Watson, a Marine and Vietnam War veteran who is disabled with PTSD, recalls skipping a day here and there because someone is sick or there is an emergency. Once in 2014, he suffered a heart attack at the Texas Roadhouse.

Oh my God, I didn't read this far into the article. He suffered a heart attack at the texas road oh my god i didn't read this far into the article he suffered a heart attack at the texas roadhouse while eating his dinner he took two days off while in the hospital his wife picked up food from the texas roadhouse on those days and sneaked it into his hospital room oh my god okay so this is what i'm telling you is that like it was impossible to find people who hate texas let alone texas roadhouse it was it was i'm glad you found these two i just like don't even know how this came up but i guess you searched texas roadhouse long enough and it's bound to um he says he has trained his body to crave food just at dinner time

like what oh oh my god and diana is picky eater. No butter or seasoning on her meal ever. I just don't even know. It just gets worse and worse. It does. Especially that he had a heart attack. In the restaurant. It says since he gets a veteran's discount, the total is about $540 a month for the couple. Diana Watson. Oh, here we go.

Really? For two people, $540 a month spent in food? Six days a week for their food. Yeah. I mean, like, honestly? Yeah. I mean, they're making it work. They're making it work.

I mean, if you add the hospital bills in, not really. Oh, no. I guess. Oh, no. Before that. Yeah. So here's their order. Diana Watson eats the roadkill.

A cheese-topped chopped steak without the mushrooms and onions and cheese, along with a house salad. Wait, cheese-topped without the mushrooms, onions, and cheese. Without the cheese. That's weird. A cheese-topped chopped steak without the mushrooms and onions and cheese, along with a house salad with ranch dressing and no tomatoes. A baked potato with only double sour cream. Hold the butter, salt, and bacon bits. And a beer. Every once in a a while she orders the salmon instead ron watson's meals barbecue chicken

breast mashed potatoes with gravy salad with italian dressing and a sweet potato with only butter he occasionally opts for pork chops the watsons both drink water with lemon i am i am in awe oh my god they also have been cashing in on a christmas special customers who bought a 200 texas roadhouse gift card were promised five free shrimp shrimp on each visit for a year so starting in january they added shrimp to their meal which they cut in half and share ron watson has worked out the numbers and expects to split 1560 shrimp with his wife in 2019 well yeah like talks to talks to his neighbor neighbor dave dave how many shrimp did you did with his wife in 2019. Yeah. Talks to his neighbor, Dave.

Dave, how many shrimp did you share with your wife this year? I'm a better husband than you are. My God. Anyway, this is just the wildest article. I kind of love it. I'd like to meet them. I weirdly respect the fact that they are they know that

they're creatures of habit and they found their thing they found their thing ron watson said the routine of his eating habits also helps him cope with ptsd sitting at the same table gives him a view of who is coming and going out the doors and helps ease his fear about who is approaching it's a it's a comfort thing that makes sense perfect if you can find something like that whatever helps honestly oh my god wait this is the best okay correction an earlier version of this story misstated diana watson's order she takes her steak plain with no cheese it also incorrectly stated her son clint is adopted he is not what oh my god how did you get that wrong could you imagine clint reading was like like for the first time before they changed it like wait mom dad his wife said

something to tell me clint you need to talk to your mom and dad yeah okay this is the last no they misheard us we said we wished you were adopted. He says, oh, thank God. Because then we could say you weren't related to us. Thank God. That's what I thought, Mom and Dad. Thanks. Okay, these are the last two lines of the article. The Watsons know some people may call their ritual boring. They feel no need to broaden their eating habits.

We are just pretty happy with what we get, Ron Watson said. I love it. I love these people. They're just so comforting. If these were your grandparents, I'd just be like, what a pair. know yeah yeah no so true i mean i'm glad that's it that's the other thing is yeah i'm glad they found each other and um both do this instead of one one of them being like oh my god can you please try something different this time you're right and it would be sadder if it were just somebody doing it alone for some reason yeah so true like

oh they seem lonely but like they're just having a ball it says she likes to dance at the texas roadhouse and what goes on at these places i don't think i'll ever step foot in one but i'm just gonna go to the one in wichita just to see just to watch you know just get a beer and watch um so that's what i got for you sorry that kind of went off the rails but it did but, but in a good way. So I'm glad it happened for sure. So this theme that I have, I don't think this is going to be fun. Oh, in some ways. That's perfect for our comedy podcast. This actually is inspired by a member of my hog pen, Jer, who also gave a theme a couple episodes ago because in my twitch's

discord jare posted about the show parking wars do you remember that oh we vaguely literally people like it followed the people who would enforce parking yes like and give out parking violations and they've thought of everything haven't they i know and like about all the fights that they have and everything with these people um well because of that i think it would be fun to do parking violation bureaus in los angeles oh my god they're they those reviews exist and let me tell you they are all under average under two stars as As somebody who literally last week, while staying at your house, got a parking ticket for $65,

I am probably inclined to write one myself. So I am in. Okay, that's exciting. There's one with 75 reviews at an average of 1.4 stars. Oh. So like maybe a challenge could be finding a five-star one actually that's a pretty good

goddamn challenge that would be pretty but anyway yeah so that's our theme is parking violations bureaus in los angeles california that exists um actually i can so i have this email this is your challenge it's from rose who wrote a really nice email and said very nice things that you have a kind voice and i have a melodious voice, very sweet, and sent a couple options, and I like this one. So one of the challenges they sent was find a review, and I'm going to broaden it. They said find a review of a book by the author of the book

or someone claiming they are, and I'm going to broaden that to find a review of either a book or a movie or something where the person reviewing it had some hand in like creating it. So whether they're the author or they're the producer of the movie. Yeah. But no, I think this is doable. I like this. Or even if like, I don't know.

I mean, this is extreme, but like, oh, I brought I invented this on brought it to Shark Tank. I don't know whatever it is, but they like created it. So that could be a movie on IMDb or, you know a really small one i'm into it i'm into it okay good cool well thank you i'm excited um and i am looking forward to reading more about our pals at the tx roadhouse and thank you everybody for listening thanks everyone bye we'll see you next week