Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 93: Malls in New Jersey

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to episode... Hello and welcome to episode 93 of Beach, Shoe, Sandy, Water, 2Wit. Oh God, we're inching closer and closer to 100. I don't want to think about it. I was just thinking about it.

Help. Somebody emailed us and was like, I'm feeling very anxious. I'm feeling increased anxiety about your episode. I was like i'm feeling very anxious i'm feeling increased anxiety about your episode i was like me too dude and i was like you and me and christina makes three um we've gotten actually a lot of people who have emailed in suggestions and messages with suggestions and tweets etc so thank you everyone for all your suggestions we don't know what we're doing yet but um we appreciate uh all of you that all all your suggestions. We don't know what we're doing yet, but we appreciate that all of your creative juices

are flowing to try to help us figure this shit out. We'll promise something that will at least be a normal episode, but hopefully will be more fun than that. Hopefully. Don't get your hopes up, though. That's why I said it's going to be at least a normal

episode. I'm literally setting the bar at the lowest possible i like don't even know if we can promise that because we might get such crippling anxiety that we just don't do anything yeah we might actually have to cancel the show after 99 episodes we'll see anyway um what's our theme this week our theme this week was malls in new jersey since new jersey is a mall heavy state in my words only which i didn't know and I didn't like think about that like you brought that up I'm like what and then someone else said like yeah New Jersey has a like I've seen multiple yeah New Jersey has a shit ton of malls and sure enough I like didn't even get through half of the malls on Google before I found plenty of reviews

I'm telling you well I needed help because on Yelp there were really not many options for me or at least I'm realizing now why I think Google is easier sometimes because on Yelp there were really not many options for me or at least I'm realizing now why I think Google is easier sometimes because on Google people just write like a sentence Yelp makes you write like a full paragraph before you can submit it so it's just so many rants and it's frustrating they're not like short fun ones yeah did I tell you that um I streamed and I streamed myself leaving reviews places so video like i reviewed some video games on steam and i reviewed places on yelp and i had no idea there was a minimum but there was actually a minimum where they were like that's not long enough which is frustrating because i

was getting like i don't know what i it was like a long time ago i wanted to get like a 20 discount somewhere and at like a nail salon or something they're're like, you have to write a Yelp review. And I was like, okay, hang on. And I like wrote like, this place is great. And it was like, keep writing. And I was like, it is cool. And they were like, keep going. And I was like, I just want 20% off.

So I don't think I even wrote it. It's kind of sad that we're 93 episodes and I'm only just now realized that there is a minimum on Yelp. Whoops. Yeah. only just now realized that there is a minimum on yelp whoops yeah well anyway so i think that's why um sometimes i have a harder time with certain ones because it's frustrating but alexander let me in on his google yes on places he hadn't looked up yet so we're all still surprises to each other and then uh the challenge for later uh was from rose and it was to we challenged you to find reviews of stores where people talked about getting lost i think you'll

like it i think i did a good job then let's hurry up and get there okay let's hurry up um okay cool i think i have more than you uh get started. So I'll start. Okay. This is a one-star view by Nina of the Mills at Jersey Gardens. I was supposed to go to the DMV and the bus driver was not helpful and left me here instead. End of review. Christina, okay. That is so weird. Why?

I mean, yeah, it is, but why why because of my first review oh so i guess before we so this was what what mall was this i think it was the mills at jersey gardens mills jersey or i don't know i might have written it down wrong why but because i have one of the hudson mall but it's different like it's not the same review oh Oh, yeah. I didn't look at that one. So. Yeah. Hudson Mall written by John. One star review. The Uber dropped me off to Hudson Mall as a final wrong destination. When in fact that I want to go to the Jersey City Housing Authority main office in Marion Gardens for the board meeting. End of review. Board meeting.

I know. Like, first of all, I do like how they say the board meeting. You know what I mean, Google. You know which board meeting I mean. But what is that about? Our first two reviews. From what I read, the brick and mortar malls are going out of business. This might be their new agenda.

They're rerouting, you know, really wealthy board members to the mall so that they spend their money at the footlocker and yeah you know revive the place true because whenever i get dropped off at the wrong destination my first thought is you know i don't i didn't need to go to that other place anyway let me check out this grand mall right in front of me i'll call the board director real quick and let him know i'm at the jc penny trying on fragrance samples okay but to be fair as someone who just researched getting lost at multiple places it happens a lot where people say i got lost and i'm so glad i did because i was able to find this coffee shop or this nail salon okay okay yeah yeah this jc penny and it's many free fragrance samples so yeah i mean that's so weird though i don't know it's many free fragrance samples. So you never know.

I mean, that's so weird, though. I don't know. It's so bizarre that like the bus was like wrong spot right at the mall. And that both of these people had the thought of, let me leave this mall a bad review. I just like that it says the bus driver was not helpful. Yeah, no shit. He literally dropped you off at the wrong bus stop i mean also like is that the bus driver's fault i feel like a bus is on a route i i don't know that the bus that's a good way that's a good point to the wrong place like the uber driver in my case

is right almost definitely in the wrong here okay yeah you know what i can't make assumptions never mind i'm not gonna assume that but but the bus driver like just going on their route dropping people off someone gets off and is like wait a second this isn't where i wanted to get off it's like then get back on like i don't know like what why you you stepped off the bus oh my god well i have another one that's really short that i'll just read real quick of the mills at jersey gardens and this is one star by tj this is where i get these google ones are really great that was the first one in this one or both google one star by tj never been there but it's horrible end of review that's so bad it's like the opposite that's so bad

i've been trying to make my way there for years but the bus keeps bringing me to the wrong board me to the board meeting instead of the mall. It's really frustrating. It's so true about Google reviews. It's so often that people have never been to these locations. And they'll say things like, I heard it was like this, and therefore one star. It's like, I heard there were gnats one star. one star it's like i heard there were gnats one star and it's like like it's it's not even like like you see a lot of people will um review bomb locations that are uh actually doing problematic

things like um an example was one of these malls i saw was uh shut down a vendor because they were selling shirts that were anti-police brutality. So people started reviewing the mall saying like, screw you for like doing that. Like that's not okay. You're supporting police brutality kind of thing. But in this case, it's like, you know, there's no agenda. There's no like reason to do it okay interestingly enough a lot of the reviews i read were like someone got shot right in front of me that actually leads me to my next one do you know what a segue speaking of mall security this is just now we're just like new jersey mall suck basically um so i was reading reviews of newport mall in uh new jersey and um in Jersey City and oh my god so many people were like there was a fight a few years ago

there was a fight like last week like whatever they're just all bringing up fights that happened at the Newport Center Mall so I googled Newport Center Mall fights because I didn't want to leave these like read these reviews because there's probably some very serious fights that have there have been like stabbings and everything.

Oh, my God. So it's very serious. But then I see this headline. Let me read it for you. Okay. New Jersey mall Easter bunny fight started after child slipped from chair, police say. Oh, my God. So this is from March of 2016.

Apparently, a young girl slipped out of the photo op chair after having her picture taken with the Easter Bunny at the mall. Oh, no. So it was a one-year-old. So like very, very small, like young child, baby. And then the girl's father started verbally and physically attacking the 22-year man who was playing the um easter bunny and here's here's a little excerpt a video posted on twitter does not show what led up to the altercation but the bunny can be seen tearing off his fluffy gloves and fighting a man wearing a brown shirt and like the best part of this review like it's very serious very scary stuff but the rest of the

article they refer to the 22 year old man as the bunny so it's like so it'll say both the bunny and the father were taken to jersey city medical center barnabas health for minor injuries and it's like the whole rest of the thing is all about these bunnies. We've reached out to the bunny for comment, but he has replied, his lawyer, bunny's lawyer has replied. That's so good. That's such good journalism. That's all I'm going to say about that. Yeah, it's fantastic.

But yeah, so hopefully everyone ended up okay. It said minor injuries. There was nothing else about the young girls injury. Like there was nothing about the young girls sustaining any injuries. So that's good. But anyway, so that's what happens in malls in New Jersey, I guess. Did you get a review? Or is that just the... Oh, no, that was just that was my little instead of a review of the uh newport center mall i i graced you with that okay well interestingly enough um i have a review this one's from trip advisor and speaking of holidays this is a one-star review i'm trying to find every segue i can this is a one-star review by greg of i think it's also of the mills at Jersey Gardens unless I miswrote that one star by Greg

where is Christmas why has political correctness kidnapped oh I'm sorry it's the short hills mall sorry god my groan I'm like I was like oh where's Christmas like it sounds like some sad song I don't know how does that song where are you christmas that's what i was thinking of yeah um this is a one star sorry by greg of short from the grinch yeah or is that cindy luhu maybe never mind i don't know you know what let's not pretend we know anything continue why has political correctness kidnapped christmas at the short hills mall not one merry christmas sign to be seen even when you wish a merry christmas all you get back is same to you this by the way was after a major purchase no christmas spirit or feeling here what a downer

puts a damper on wanting to spend my money. Check out Melbourne, Australia. Hold on. Trying to make sure I read that correctly. Paid for by the Melbourne, Australia Tourism Board. Check out Melbourne, Australia. Like the USA 40 to 50 years ago. Merry Christmas everywhere. Put up by the city and businesses

i had a great experience there no one there says happy holidays short hills might be considered high end but has stolen an important part of the christmas holiday and that is low end end of review oh god this is so groan worthy. Okay. I know everyone says I'm supposed to say Melbourne Australia but I feel weird. I could tell you were struggling with what to do there. Yeah I didn't know what to do um so I said it probably wrong. You did okay. You did okay. Thank you. I said it Melbourne as well so um we're stupid Americans who have kidnapped christmas so i love that he's literally saying wow it's it's like the usa 50 years ago what a time i miss my miss it way back then it's like i hate when people say that me too i mean we're certainly not in a great place in history right now but it was certainly

worse 50 years ago um agreed so i don't know about that but you know like it's progress is a good thing being more open in general is a good thing i don't know like we don't have to say this shit like y'all y'all know like this is stupid i love this person's stupid i'm done i'm so that was really good uh i love that greg walks around saying he's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and they're saying, same to you. And that's, like, not good enough. And I'm picturing him in his fucking notebook going to all these different employees, putting a checkmark next to whatever, like, whatever they end up saying.

And it turns out 100 checkmarks all next to same to you. It's like, like, i totally expect him to say and all they would say is happy holidays right but instead it's same to you it's literally they're wishing him a merry christmas but just in a different way i was listening to an old episode of our show and there was a point where uh some reviewer was saying like they were so rude i walked in and they said how may i help you yeah instead of a friendly how many for lunch people have such high standards for like the exact phrasing you may use it's like so the standards are so specific and it's like why would you ever expect someone to say the exact words that you're

hoping that they would say and anything else is just not okay it's not good enough it is not good enough um so that's my next one your turn thank you my next one is of cherry hill mall in cherry hill new jersey this is a one-star review by tammy today, me and my daughters were going to go in to try or maybe just look at what they had. And as soon as I walked in the door, the lady stopped me and said, We're actually closing now. Mind you, it's 5.50 p.m. on a Sunday. And I know the mall closes at 6, but she didn't know if we were looking or if we wanted to try it. Mind you, there was still customers sitting inside eating, and she told me that they're closed.

And they still had the dough out and everything. It just annoys me that she stopped me and said, Basically, sorry I can't serve you, even though we still have customers inside eating and our product is still out. We just can't serve you even though we still have customers inside eating and our product is still out we just can't serve you i will not be going back and i've never tried it but that's a no-go for me poor customer service end of review wow that was really tragic yeah that's quite the quite the tale that was woven before our very eyes um i bet a lot of people who listen that are in the service industry are just cringing at this thing because that that those people that go in with 10 minutes to go having expectations of it being as if it was like in the middle of the day like i

don't know it's like that uh cliche of like i went to the olive garden with 65 of my nieces and nephews and cousins and they said they didn't have room i don't that's not real cliche i just invented it but in my head on our show it is um but it's just like that weird technicality that they feel like they deserve something and it makes me wonder if this person has ever known anyone or has worked themselves in a position like that. I think the answer is no. Ten minutes to go before closing and you're talking. Okay, first of all, we don't know where they were going because they reviewed the mall. I was trying to understand if it's like pretzel.

Oh, okay. My first thought was like a subway or something. But yeah, that could be it. But like they don't have to accommodate you with 10 minutes to go. People. People. You all know these people suck. We always talk about how these people suck, but we just know.

Are you having a crisis of faith or something? I'm in a mood. Maybe it was from me reviewing my own places last week. I've been... What do you mean reviewing your own places like last week. I've been, I've been, I don't know. What do you mean reviewing your own places? Like I was on Yelp and stuff, leaving my own reviews. It's not that fucking hard to be a decent person. I think I misunderstood you.

I was like, there's no way that's what he said. You were reviewing places on Yelp? On my, so I did a stream, like instead of playing video games that day, I was chatting with people and I was going on steam and where i review video games i was going on yelp and reviewing different places why don't you tell me about this because it was kind of on a whim but i reviewed like things from our childhood and stuff like dark county fair and stuff how did you not tell me about this because it was just on a whim oh my god i'm telling you now okay yeah no wonder you're

in a funk watch that broadcast yeah now i'm i'm a reviewer myself so i have a higher higher standards for these people i guess i guess except you're not really good you're just kind of yelling y'all know over and over whatever that means okay um i have a review of uh the hudson mall and this one's so dumb but it just made me laugh i'm sorry one star hot garbage no clothing stores worth mentioning no restaurants worth mentioning watch your back or you'll get hit by a giant tumbleweed i was like oh no another dangerous new jersey mall story it was like between all of the ones about like shootings and stuff and then it was like watch your back because giant tumbleweeds are coming out of the old jc penny oh my god that's pretty funny actually um that's all they got me good they got me good i'll give them that y'all y'all know they got y'all good

y'all know i got got here is a review of cherry hill mall another one uh this is by uh laura this is a one-star review so bad omg i saw someone barfing in the parking lot barfing emoji end of review oh no ew this i there's that say about the mall though like it's not like someone walked up to the mall saw how like terrible it was and just puked and was like oh this mall's gross like they review that person maybe i mean but honestly like i guess if you went to a board meeting you wouldn't watch someone puke there. So it's kind of like, where are the standards? Here's like a rating scale. If they really had to puke. Oh, God.

Okay. This is a review of the Newport Center Mall. Did you have any from here? I thought you mentioned it, but it was one of the ones you told me I could read. So now I'm nervous. That's where the bunny happened. Oh, right. Well, this is of the ones you told me i could read so now i'm nervous that's where the bunny happened oh right well this is of the newport center one star by candace recently while eating in the food court at newport center a mouse fell from the ceiling onto the table next to my table

and takes his last breath in front of me oh oh my god i did not expect that i was like i thought it was like it took my last french fry but it's like oh no it's so dark that's actually so tragic it's tragic i flagged down mall maintenance and all they did was pick the mouse up but they didn't clean the table off and 20 seconds later a woman sits at the same table and eats her food there. And I watched it and I loved it. And here it is on TikTok. Help me go viral. Hashtag for you, Paige.

Okay. I was mortified. Don't eat here if you have some sense and don't want to worry about rodents falling from the sky. I would have given this negative zero stars if i could end of review okay that's a new one negative zero i don't think we've heard that one also i love where she's like don't eat here if you have some sense and it's like that lady didn't know that a mouse fell from the ceiling and they're actually they stayed there to eat while also watching this lady eat you don't know what landed on your table right before that's a really good point um but my god i i did not so i was wondering i was like is this gonna be like a review about rat safety and how sad it is like for this like poor mouse that died um i don't know what mouse rat what do they say it seems like that's not good either um but

but they didn't seem to care it's more about about the cleanliness, which is fair. Well, yeah. I think if a mouse falls dead from the ceiling while you're eating, there's, you know. To be fair, it wasn't dead before it fell. Well, that's what she says. I mean, I'm like, how do you determine that it's taking its dying breath? That seems very, especially if you're not, you're like a full table away. Have you seen Ratatouille when R um remy like there's that whole scene where he takes his dying breath on his deathbed on his death bread that's right yeah they did

make a good pun out of that i forgot they had a bread bowl scene where they put the little lid on and he was inside it oh man lit it on fire there's this whole funeral pyre thing for Remy. And then they dropped it from a ceiling tile onto somebody's dining table. Oh, boy. So my turn, I guess. Your turn. Okay, my next one is of Morristown Mall. This is by I Am A Parrot.

It has a little chihuahua as an avatar. Oh, okay. Just because I like it one star this place has changed a lot and i hate how now you need a parent at the toy store it's stupid won't recommend to come here ever and a review no no stop children stop get off google there's other things for you to do with your time literally that was my first thought and was my thought until just a moment ago when i'm like what if this is someone who's like huh all of these children are now being oh interesting being watched by their parents oh god oh god i know okay true yeah i'm being i'm making i'm making it really disturbing creepy i'm sorry that i can't just sit here and watch unsupervised children exactly yeah that's even worse so maybe i'd rather have it be children i'm i i'm pretty sure this is a child especially

because their name is i am a parrot okay um wow i mean i i i'm glad that they don't allow children into the mall by themselves. I mean, children, okay, like if you're 16, that's one thing. But like small children probably shouldn't be wandering around the toy store for the exact reason we just discussed tangentially. So, yes. Parental supervision, I mean, it can be a pretty good thing. You know, you can quote me on that yeah coming from two experienced parents we know all about it so as someone who needed extra supervision because i got lost so easily yeah uh someone who definitely would have done some damage

being in my alone at the mall at like age five i think the number of the number of husky racks you and i knocked over at target i mean the husky racks we we uh oh woof yeah we uh let's hope target execs don't hear this because the lawsuit would be enormous oh my god don't worry mom made up for it in purchasing our husky clothing that's true target made a killing off of our big bones i said to spend she loves that story by the way that's not a joke folks uh we did wear husky size clothing and um we are not ashamed of it so yeah you know we were what did mom call us big boned husky all of the above you know, we were what did mom call us? Big boned husky, all of the above. You know, we were German.

What is she? Because she always said you're German children. German children aren't skinny like American children. No, that's true. Yeah. It's all the bread. It's all that like meat, potatoes and beer that you drink as a child. OK, I'm sorry.

I don't know how this has happened, but OK. okay i'm sorry i don't know how this has happened but okay um anyway this is a one-star review of brunswick square mall this is one star review by monica went to see a movie and they overcharged on snacks absolutely ridiculous a pretzel was 45 dollars end of review there's literally no way right either she's being scammed so that's the fucking biggest pretzel you've ever seen in your life that's 10 pretzels combined how on earth like the thing is you could have you could have probably also given so yeah i'm sure she's i'm sure this person is exaggerating but you could have probably just given the true cost of it and people would still be like wow that's actually very expensive like i don't read that and go wow i go like okay but like what was it actually yeah i roll my eyes

because i'm like if it was actually that expensive why would be you be afraid to put the real number and it wasn't even like 450 where it's like they missed the decimal point they literally that's funny so yeah yeah it's just like there's no i don't know whatever um if it is 45 uh my bad maybe i'm just you know not used to the uh east coast pricing i mean to be fair if it was 45 that would be absurd true if it really if this is the truth um um what's your name again monica uh then i take it all back and i regret ever judging you and i kind of want to try it though i'm kind of into this 45 pretzel all right i've got one more this is of uh cherry hill mall again um this is a review by lisa one star every bathroom in this place always smells like someone pooped on the wall

and instead of cleaning it painted over it end of review oh what a very specific action that would be um and i like the way it's worded that it's as if the person who pooped on the walls is also the one who painted it. Takes a can of paint with them everywhere they go because they know they're going to make another mistake and say, wait, I forget. Where am I supposed to go again? Oh, vertically on this surface. I'm also picturing maybe Lisa as a child being scolded by their parents like you know if you do anything bad they're gonna make you paint walls and it's like oh these are people who like got caught pooping on the walls and their right just like i did community service was to paint

over it i don't know why that's a really weirdly specific stretch i'm trying to make this make sense which is never something we should do but um i didn't know you were in that headspace today now that's one of the more dangerous headspaces we can get into on this show i think the problem with today is i'm in way too many headspaces and just trying to like narrow it down but it's not happening yeah you're like leaping from one to the next and like leaving me behind alone in the husky aisle trying to figure out where I am. I finally got out.

I finally escaped the husky aisle. I've also read dozens and dozens and dozens of reviews of people getting lost in stores. So I think I'm also in a... I've gotten lost in store. Okay, we'll get there in a moment. I have one more review i don't even know if this one is good or not but i just i felt a lot we could say that about

everything we read so i know but this one i just like i almost deleted it but i'm like i'm gonna keep it because it just has a lot of passion okay it's a lot of passion behind it this is a one-star view by jeff of brunswick oh i don't remember shoot it might have been brunswick square i'm not sure okay this mall effing blows they took johnny rockets out that is the last straw first cinnabon then jc penny now johnny rockets what the hell is next screw this damn mall i will legit go out of the way and drive elsewhere never again. I am so deeply disappointed. End of review.

Oh my god. I have expected them to say, then they're gonna come for me next. Like, I'm like such a staple there. As they took the JC Penney out. And then I stood silently. I don't remember the poem. When they came for the- Then they came for me.

Oh god. That's fucking dark. Sorry. When they came for the... When they came for me. Oh, God. That's fucking dark. Sorry. Who will stand up for me or whatever? No one was left to stand up for me. Oh, my God. Okay. We're butchering that.

Not even Mr. Johnny Rocket himself. Johnny Rocket is long gone. Well, I read other reviews that also they took out the Best Buy, which I was like, okay, we're upset about. Cinnabon, I read other reviews that also they took out the Best Buy, which I was like, okay, we're upset about Cinnabon. I understand. JCPenney, I'm a little bit like, that seems to be a very emotional for JCPenney, but I guess, you know, that's your go-to. That's a good point.

I feel like that's not a store that people would generally stand up for. Yeah, because the other ones are restaurants. But I feel like that's true about many. If you're craving a food, I'm like, I get it. Like, you want your Cinnabon and your restaurant. They took it out. That sucks. JCPenney seems a little bit, you know, ubiquitous.

Is that the right word? I'm not sure. Like, it seems like something that's not wildly difficult to find. I don't know. Yeah, or like a similar store. Like, I don't know if it, I don't know. It's like Ross and TJ Maxx. Like, if a Ross closes down, I'll be like, okay, I'll just go to the TJ. I don't know. It feels like it's just ross and tj maxx like if a ross closes down i'll be like okay i'll just go to the tj i

don't know it feels like it's just well if a ross closes down i will have an absolute meltdown and write it on the internet and scream and drive somewhere else because my heart's broken so i guess i get it now there was one i there was one i didn't include that like well okay that's actually now that you bring that up it's like it's not even like a small local business like it's a fucking yeah that's what i'm saying like i feel like jc penny is such a generic brand like you could probably i mean he even said i'll drive out of the way like okay this isn't a tragedy okay i'm for the workers it's one thing but this is like for the jc penny like conglomerate whatever this isn't like some major tragedy like is this a store closing down like what but then i actually did i read a review that i didn't use um and it was

someone who was like they replaced the disney store with an east meets west um and they like had this hashtag hashtag like uh restore the disney store oh and it was like a whole like movement they were trying to start um see that kind of makes sense because of like general like Disney fandom. Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn't say general. I'm sorry. But like the vocal Disney fandom. The hardcore Disney fandom.

That's more what I meant. Like that makes sense. We've had this discussion plenty of times. But as far as I know, that doesn't exist for JCPenney or Johnny Rockets. Well, I don't know. You know what? Prove me wrong, people. Johnny Rockets fandom, come at me.

JCPenney fandom, come at Alexander too. No. I don't want you to come for me because actually the thought of a JCPenney fandom is deeply unsettling to my psyche. That's so scary. If it exists, I'd love it for it to come to alexander so i can watch over skype and alexander i'll send you this emotion hold on oops not a heart i'll send you this one cry cry oh there it is okay i didn't see it as the jc penny fandom comes for you just sobbing in the corner watching it all unfold i'm just eating snacks i'm eating my cinnabon which by the way um

i'm not going to even bring up in front of them because i think there's a lot of crossover according to jeffrey between the two um anyway uh okay i think that's my last one yep all right let's let's let's hear what what you had to had to say about your challenge. Okay, so this was from Rose, and it was to find a review where a person got lost. And I found several. In the initial challenge, Rose suggested Ikea. So I went and found several Ikea reviews of people getting lost because I could actually accomplish Rose's challenge,

like the original specific challenge. Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, no. For some reason, I expected you to go right into it. I was just waiting for some validation and applause. Thank you. You are valid. I thought you would be proud of me.

I am. Sorry. I'm trying to jump head spaces. I'm trying to get back into the husky rack because that was a place of comfort for me growing up. I know. I see you over there locking the doors. I know that I scared you with that JCPenney conversation. I promise you're safe.

If you need to hear that you're safe, you're safe. Okay. This is a three star review by dave of ikea in sacramento ikea is quite an experience the first time i went it was a disaster as i got lost looking for a table and a bookshelf only to realize that you're supposed to find an item in the showroom then find it again in the warehouse the second time i found the section where i needed to be then i had to pee so I had to run through the showroom maze like a madman, all the way to the front area where the restrooms are, then back the showroom, then back to the warehouse. The third time I went, I was an

Ikea master, and I knew all the shortcuts through the maze, as well as the location of the cafeteria. My friend who I brought was confused that I craved meatballs that were served somewhere in this maze. There's a little gnome in the children's play area that serves meatballs. He crawls out of the tunnel. I'm a master

so I know where the meatballs are. The lines at the end of your journey are something you should consider as well. So many people all stressed out about being trapped in a maze all day. Remember that you may need a truck to get items home too. Otherwise, you'll be paying to have it delivered

after you try and think of genius ways to shove it in your car for over an hour. After my numerous purchases, I've also mastered the assembly of many of their products my house is full of ikea and i'm okay with the idea of an ikea experience in the future however now i know what i'm getting myself into when i decide to go there end of review i felt that review in multiple ways very very like just intense wasn't it yeah because ikea the first times i went it's it is very

overwhelming it like i'm glad the first time i went was with family it wasn't alone because if i went alone like as an adult i i would have been terrified i honestly it's very overwhelming is a good word for it and there are arrows but i get lost extremely easy like I actually this is actually me reaching out for help from our audience because I was talking to mom about this and I was like I think that there's like legitimately a problem with my spatial awareness or something I mean you know how I get lost but like I get so confused and so lost that I often end up in another state and like we live like Ohio, Kentucky, and Indiana are not that far but it happens to this day. It sounds a lot more dramatic before you consider how close Cincinnati is to two other states. But I said that and then mom was like

yeah one time you were an hour and 10 minutes into Indiana and you called from a gas station phone and were sobbing and like Tim had to come get you. Like I just can't understand spatial awareness. I still don't know in my house which way is east I get lost going to my house I still have to use google maps and I think I have a problem and I need someone to help me figure out what the hell is going on because I still I it's it's deeply frustrating a professional Christina and I know what kind of professional they're i'm sure your people are wonderful but this is such a specific thing that you need help yeah but like i've literally alexander i've talked to therapists before and they're like haha and i'm like no i like legitimately can't figure out how to like did you wait have you talked to my therapist he he also often goes haha

at whatever i say i'm just kidding uh if you i don't think my therapist listens to this i hope not or reads my tweets i hope not but they shouldn't that was a joke um they're not supposed to i think it might it might it might help them understand my psyche it will give insight that's for sure like oh well that makes sense um they hear me talk and they go wow no wonder he has issues i once ended up on the wrong side of an entire country when i was driving okay yeah not in the united states to be clear but and i have yes okay i did not like to suddenly end up in california when i was trying to get to maine um no but like and i have very good sense of direction yeah you do and mom was like alexander

doesn't have a great and i'm like no he does i've fantastic okay generally and even in like video games i play and it might be the video games honestly but like when it comes to like where certain things are like it just makes sense if i had been there before usually um but yeah but even i have ended up on the wrong side of an entire fucking country and a drive that should have taken me a few hours took seven hours. To be fair, there were different length. Remember that time I got a sposs on the way home from D.C. to Ohio and the trip came instead of eight was 11 hours. OK, all I'm saying is sometimes people get really upset with me because they think I'm

like exaggerating or like they think I'm, you know, being dramatic. And I'm like no i legitimately don't know where to go like blaze will say like okay we're two minutes from home see if you can find your way and i will turn down the wrong direction i have no spatial awareness i have no knowledge of what's around literally patrick from spongebob like you'll say like gotta go east on the highway west except you'll end up going like south like i'll be like like that's the thing it's like even worse because it's like not east or west you literally just end up going like south like like that's the thing it's like even worse because it's like not east or west you literally just end up going south and you're like this is not even

like your car tells you which direction you're going you're like doesn't is that not right s and i think what does s stand for i don't know schieffer i think i don't know and so i get really confused and frustrated and anyway now i'm at almost 30 and i'm like it's gotten zero percent better and i'm trying like i really am and i can't figure it out so in any case i think that a lot of these reviews were really stressful for me to read because i was like holy shit well this was stressful because for me because remember when uh we went to ikea with my uh former co-worker sarah um oh yeah and had to put that chair in your car named her bertha yeah and because we had to take it out of the box yeah because it it's an armchair it was an armchair it wouldn't fit in

the car with the box in it so we took it out of the box first then shoved it into the car in the passenger seat and then drove it home and then managed to wiggle it out and that's how sarah gave it the name bertha because it was as if the car was birthing Bertha. That's right. It was Bertha. Yeah, Bertha. We had to wiggle it out. It was a whole thing.

We were birthing Bertha. Everyone was not pleased by that. But yeah, that was really frustrating. And I don't know how we even managed to figure that out. But we did. It's definitely something that that is more like me. Like, I don't get lost, but I'll have I'll buy a fucking armchair and then be like after the fact be like wait how do i get this home alexander you and i both did that and she was like i don't i

don't know if this is gonna fit and we're like yes it will don't worry yeah it will yes totally she thinks yeah we don't have that gene unfortunately yeah no no we don't we didn't get that one i'm sorry i sorry. I'm one review and we're just talking about ourselves again. I'm going to send this episode to my therapist in particular and be like, hey, you want to hear more about me? Tell him to call me because I need help. Okay. This is a one-star review by

Brian of an Ikea as well. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate shopping at Ikea. I always leave with an ice cream headache, which always stems from getting lost. Slow moving people trying to find the one thing I need only to find they are out of stock. When I finally get whatever item it is, I assemble it to see what a piece of garbage it truly is.

The only good thing is a cheap cinnamon roll at the exit. End of review. Okay, I barely made it past ice cream headache what is doesn't that is that a brain freeze i thought so but then they said the headache is ice cream headache is always from getting lost which didn't make a lot of sense to me but it does explain my many headaches i guess that i receive because i'm i'm just a little confused by that phrasing um but anyway um because i was like oh because they enjoyed the soft serve that i can't know it's from getting lost that sounds terrible and slow moving people yeah but i mean that was a lot of hate it was i actually went to ikea last week and they um they closed the restaurant down but

they still sell those cinnamon rolls at the exit so if that's something you enjoy check it out um okay so now i have two star review of target by mike how do you get lost in a target i'm sorry i guess i shouldn't judge i know you you get i know i've gotten lost in many a target i know you. You get lost. I know. I've gotten lost in many a Target. I know you. Okay, continue. I walked in and I can well assure you I've never seen so much crap in a Target store my whole life. This Target store had nothing to offer, just a giant department store full of crap. The worst part about it is that I couldn't find my way out. I felt like I hadn't seen the sun for six months.

I was... Do you know what that's like? that from experience it must be it's very specific i felt like i hadn't seen the sun for six months i was melancholy as i felt my complexion drifting away is that how complexion works i need to work on my skincare routine because i'm terrified of my complexion what did he say drifting away drifting away it's like floating down the target aisles like it's like a like fucking dementors or like ripping his soul out of his face you know like the like it's like dripping the pigment out yeah yeah i do know what you know exactly what you mean it's incredible stop it sorry that's the noise the mentor is making my head

okay continue i hadn't seen the sun for six months i was melancholy as i felt my complexion drifting away i checked out the clothes the polyester material they used felt like it was made from an elephant's ass the toothpaste was hidden behind cosmetics i walked in the cosmetics aisle and got distracted seeing a portrait of a woman wearing purple lipstick who the hell would wear that crap what is a carnival in town then i see hope the holy grail that made target worth it i noticed they were offering free samples of jennifer aniston perfume christina who is this person and how can i avoid them for the rest of my life the holy girl that made target worth it i noticed that they were offering free samples of jennifer aniston perfume and i just had to get some of it after that i miraculously found the exit and went home happily seeing the sun again end of review being dramatic for a positive review is one thing being dramatic for a negative review is tiring and

not as clever as you think i have an ice cream headache if you know what i mean um i do know what you mean unfortunately well i am happy to tell you that i have three redemptions left oh my god really okay great and that's it okay this is actually a five-star review of an I'm happy to tell you that I have three redemptions left. Oh, my God. Really? Okay, great. And that's it. Okay, this is actually a five-star review of an Ikea by Martha. Enjoyed a relaxing browse and shop today, but being type 2 diabetic, I started to feel weak. I couldn't find my way out. I approached Bob, a.k.a. Robert, an employee.

He offered directions, then said he would take me to checkout. We were close. He escorted me to a check stand with cashier diane she was familiar with diabetes empathetic i felt better thank you i'm told carolyn howard is manager i checked out at 508 p.m july 18 2017 thank you for going above and beyond bob end of review of review. That's adorable. Isn't that sweet? You know me loving the specific details of the time that they were there and everything. Yes, it's like the combo of all the above. I picture them being like, what time was that exactly?

Finding their receipt in their bag and pulling it out. It's like, okay, let me see. 5.08 p.m. Exactly 5.08. That's so sweet because they're putting that effort in so that whoever's the manager or whatever can're putting that effort in so that like whoever's like

the manager whatever can like to see exactly who was working at that time making their experience great also love that she nicknamed robert bob i mean i'm sure he probably introduced himself with that but i just love that she's like robert bob or sorry you probably know him as robert but i know him as bob so uh you might not and then like who who's the checkout person Diane who's the manager Carolyn it's just like all very comforting um and so I'm pleased by that now the last two are of um weirdly enough Marriott's but different ones so I don't know if this is like an ongoing trend that happens at the Marriott but if any bigwigs at Marriott are listening, you should pay us some sort of fee

for consulting you on how people get lost in your hotels. You can just put me on the floor and then just turn on a camera like a maze. Like going into those mice in a maze and watch me take my dying breath or my last breath. Oh my god. I'm sorry.

You can like fall out of the ceiling into someone's hotel room and then that's it and this couple's gonna be like honey where's the bread put her in the bread bowl put her in the bread bowl another one do we have any fire no just toss it in the hot tub what did you say earlier uh i don't know i don't want to death bread and then you tried to move on without addressing it i was like no i didn't

i'm glad you called me out because it was very much just a slip of the tongue not not me being clever of course it rarely is um oh my god that's the way that you want to go though christiana death death by bread absolutely just put me in a bread bowl because i'm gonna get lost no matter what and if i fall through ceiling tile into some bread at least I know I've gone out the way that I the way that I truly you know lived by surrounding myself with carbs okay this is a five-star view by Nancy of the JW Marriott wait wait I need to go back to this I'm sorry what I'm I'm picturing you now like if this were a thing you would fake your death they'd put you in this giant bread bowl and then you'd nibble your way out of it and be like yay and then you'd have so much bread in you then you take your final dying breath and they put you in a bigger you put the rest of your bread bowl in a bigger bread bowl but jokes on them you're not yet. And you nibble through that one too. It's like when they go into the old,

like Tutankhamun's tomb and then they open it up, except for instead of being in the tomb, I would have crawled out and covered in crumbs. Because the whole thing is made of stale bread. And they're like, you know, back in 2020,

what they did, which by the way, presumes that I die like this year, which is right. Like, who knows what's going to happen? But they're like back then, you know, they like to bury. They believe their dad took with them to the afterworld what they loved in life. So they just gave her a bunch of bread bowls and nothing else. No money for like the river sticks.

None of that shit. Just like a lot of bread rolls. It's the currency that i use anyway okay this is the jw marriott minneapolis mall of america five stars by nancy my husband and i got lost in the parking structure at the mall of america and left our car and luggage in the wrong garage we were exhausted and grumpy so checked in through the keys at the Mall of America and left our car and luggage in the wrong garage. We were exhausted and grumpy, so checked in, threw the keys at the bellman, and told them to try to find our car and bring everything to our room. Not ten minutes later, Mark, we call him Prince Mark, knocked on our door and handed my husband his cell phone. He had left it in the car. Next, he brought in the

case of wine we had purchased earlier in the day. this time we had big smiles on our faces how he found our car that quickly we'll never know we had a gorgeous room with a beautiful view of downtown minneapolis and st paul an invitation to the executive lounge on the 15th floor and a five-minute walk to the stores in the mall life was good once more end of review wow that could have gone really wrong though right yeah definitely that was real like it was a positive review thankfully but i'm like if one thing had gone wrong i'd worry i know it would have just gone south i should have uh checked the rest of the profile to see what their kind of spread their star spread was like um that's a weird phrase. Don't, don't love that I said that. Um, yeah, but so it seemed like Prince Mark saved the day. So Prince Mark, I bet Mark loves that.

Prince Mark needs a raise. I hope they tipped him. Well, me too. Um, okay. This is a five star view of a different Marriott. This one's in Washington, DC. Five stars by Mike. I would like to thank shirlina for helping me when i got lost after going down the wrong stairwell she kindly showed me how to get where i wanted to go then she tracked me down again just to

return my pen thank you shirlina end of review wow how did she have your pen yeah how did that happen oh maybe she like had a map and was like drawing directions and stuff yeah and then stole the pen then stole your pen later then shirlena went to church and the priest was like you must do penance yeah go find mike the end the end and it worked out thanks shirlena i'm glad we had some positive ones there i had to i had to i had space i'm like kind of coming back to like reality it's a little late since the episode's yeah over by now so sorry everyone for whatever happened i've already blocked out the rest of this episode i feel a little bit like i'm missing what happened the last hour like is that do you feel that way too i don't know what's going on i actually just looked at the um the file to see

how long we've been recording and i'm like wait how has this too? I don't know what's going on here. Yeah, I actually just looked at the file to see how long we've been recording. And I'm like, wait, how? How? Has this been happening? I don't remember most of it. I thought this started like 10 minutes ago. I mean, there was a whole thing where you said like, oh, I had left reviews on Yelp and I went, what?

And you were like, yeah, I already told you that. And I was like, I don't even remember you saying those words to me. We talked about like husky pants a lot, husky. A lot. I feel like I really do need to i feel like i really remember the bread bread is the one thing the bread is the standout element of this show that was very recent that part was too recent for my for my well-being there was a whole bunny thing bunny fight oh i forgot about the bunny fight we should do recaps like this at the end of every episode how fun would

that be for everybody just us being like what happened in the past 50 or so minutes sometimes i listen to our old episodes which i know i've told you that before but when i'm like really sad i listen to our old episodes and they we like there's some stupid shit that we laugh about or like that we read in the reviews and i'm like how do we not remember these things like oh yeah they're so wild and like and then you'll text me like quotes and i'm like is did we say that yeah it's so strange um anyway so i guess sometimes we just kind of the thing is when it's so funny you're bound right so there's so many funny things you say you can't keep track of all of it you know i'm glad you're finally understanding me yeah no it's

not you oh not me i thought you were saying it to me i was trying to say understanding me. No, it's not you. Oh, not me. I thought you were saying it to me. I was trying to say both of us, but now it's just me. Oh, sure. Yeah, no, no, sure. Both of us. Sure. Okay.

Time for a theme and challenge? That's right. All right. So our theme comes from Eva, who's actually a friend of mine who emailed in and I just stumbled on it. I was like, oh. Oh, goodness. Here's what she has to say.

She says, I work at an airport in Tennessee. And long before discovering your show, my coworkers and I would sit around during downtime and read our airports reviews for fun. I want to suggest airports in Tennessee for a theme, but it's only right to instead bring up airports in North Carolina, our lovely neighbor state that just so happens to be first in flight. So our theme for next week is airports in north carolina okay and i almost got mad about this because ohio is the birthplace of

aviation at least right right but i recognize that but we're not first and the first in flight yeah we're not first in anything really except for e-bikes and astronauts and mine was serious but yours is not yes well this is your challenge it comes from cat um who wrote some nice things and then said why don't you find reviews of venues that are based on the performance that the reviewer saw there rather than the venue itself for example a bad review of mercedes-benz stadium based on the atlanta falcons losing not because the stadium proved to be a poor venue and then said this one actually may be worth looking into as the falcons are not known for being winners so it definitely does not have to be a sporting they're pretty good falcons have been pretty good recently i'm just gonna talk i'm just gonna um oh my god and then she

wrote thanks for all y'all do and can't wait to hear what episode 100 brings 10 weeks from now i'm sure it'll be something mind-blowingly awesome why are you all putting this pressure on us that's it yeah that's too much pressure never mind scratch it uh bye no i'm just kidding um so that's cat's challenge for you okay i like that actually when you brought up the performances i initially thought of like music but like the football thing that's another thing yeah there's potential here for sure that's what i'm thinking i can like really really find some good ones i i hope i'll do you proud cat and we'll see i do too and you actually better so there you go um oh by the way i meant to add also that josh or i guess um they signed it joshy

also wrote in find a review of a sports stadium where the reviewers clearly just upset their team lost so okay similar idea for both combo yeah little combo okay i'll try to find that too for joshy like that specifically for joshy just for joshy okay just for just for joshy awesome well thank you everybody for listening. I'm going to go try to find my way out of this Ikea because I've been here for, I think, months at this point. I don't feel like my skin has received any sort of pigmentation in like half a year. Yeah, I have to do some shopping because I'm low on my husky genes.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. And I actually am, I'm no longer smelling like jennifer aniston and it's starting to really bum me out so um i'm gonna find my way to a target so good luck it's really bumming everyone out okay bye everybody Bye.