Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 95: Daycares in Indiana

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello everyone and welcome to Be Shoe Sandy, Water Too Wet, the podcast where we read the worst reviews in the most dramatic fashion. My name is Christine. And my name is Alex. Welcome to episode 95 of our show. In this episode, we will be discussing, well, Christina will be discussing daycares or preschools or something in indiana

and i'll mostly be discussing elementary schools because i couldn't find any preschool ones yeah i felt bad about that um apparently i don't know if it was google or what but my god they were depressing yeah yeah you kind of had it's like the pet store ones you have to sift through like the really depressing ones to get to any decent reviews so um just to let you all know we're not reading anything you know horrible uh i mean you know it's all horrible but we're keeping it as light-hearted uh as we possibly can you know us you know us we we we've started to try to avoid certain topics yeah it's not negative things it's not like in the first episode we brought up 9-11 or anything like that. We would never do that.

I would never do that. Christina, that wasn't even the worst thing that was brought up in the first episode. That's what's so tragic. What was worse? The animatronics. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but they were hand in hand, which like together really complicated things.

By their powers combined. Yeah, I think we were hand in hand, which like together really complicated things. By their powers combined. Yeah, I think we were almost shut down by whoever shuts down podcasts. Big podcasts. Big podcasts. You know, BP, that's actually what it stands for. BP. Oh, my God. It's like our version of a gas spill, you know?

Yeah. I've never heard it be called a gas spill. I assume we meant an oil spill. Fuck! There's gasoline everywhere. Sorry, I meant oil spill. Anyway, so I guess we have, and then, oh, my challenge, BTW, before we get started, was to find reviews mentioning Guy Fieri that are not reviews of his restaurant.

Are they? Okay. I'm not going to judge you if they are, but are they all restaurants that were featured in Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? No. Ooh. Because I realized you didn't give me that special rule. I know.

So I thought, uh-oh. But several of them are, but not all of them. Yeah, that's fine. I did accomplish the challenge. Because I didn't want to limit you, but afterwards I was like, I wonder if she's going to go beyond that. I guess we'll find out later, but I'm excited for that challenge. You will certainly find out a lot more than you ever wanted to know.

Thank goodness. Period. You go ahead. Why don't you? Okay, this first one is of Trinity Child Care and Preschool. It's a one-star review by Steve. The daycare providers were very jealous. What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is like episode one all over again. I need to get it together. Okay. Jealous that I got to leave my child there and drive away? I guess maybe. The daycare providers were very jealous and very sarcastic. They think they are gods working in a church. They were jealous of

my model wife working out at the gym all day. So what did they do? They called social services and said, we don't feed our daughter enough food her clothes are odd and we make her go to her room when she's bad hilarious that they would give advice on food they should look in the mirror oh my who is this steve hilarious that they would give advice on food they should look in the mirror instead of toying with other people's lives end of review jesus i mean to be fair he landed one of like only three models that live in indiana that's something we're proud of that's so mean you're an evil person i'm from ohio i'm allowed to make fun of indiana okay that's fair like if it were like kansas i had i'd have no place because i don't know anything about it.

But I worked in Indiana. I can say that. You did. You were the fourth model. And when you left, there were only three left. They actually, their GDP when I left went down. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Just from my statistics. Anyways, let's get back to Steve. Yeah. Steve thinks that the daycare providers are jealous of his hot wife. So that's new. That's hilarious. I do love that. But I also, my God, this is completely blanked.

Was it about calling social services? You know what? Probably. It's something that mom threatened to do to us. I don't know. She should have sent us to that daycare. They would done it wait opposite way we threatened her what am i saying i don't know i don't know what okay usually we're good at finishing each other's thoughts this time not so much no we we always we we would say like oh mom like we're gonna get you in trouble for this and

she's like don't i'll lose my green card yeah her favorite line was to say i'll lose my green card and then it was took me until i was about 22 to be like wait a second you losing your green card no longer means i'm an orphan like that's i mean it never meant that to be clear but that was kind of the implication and finally like her powers stopped working on me um you'll you'll have to go to your dad's where you get uh m&ms all day and drink orange crush whenever you want that we had an m&m machine have we told you about that folks we had don't say we okay it was yours i had a i had a Dilbert-themed MNMC. A Dilbert-themed MNMC.

Dilbert, Christina. Dilbert. Dilbert-themed. Do you know about, like, what the fucking creator of Dilbert is up to now? Yeah, I did, because I heard a podcast about it. I had a Dilbert-themed MNMC. Were you like, I was such a big fan, I can't wait to listen to this Dilbert podcast.

Reminds me of M&M's. Oh, no! There goes my childhood. That's what I knew. I needed therapy. No, my brother and my brother and we did a whole bit on um dilbert and then they were like hey can we talk about what happened and then they went into a deep dive um which we're certainly not gonna do so don't get excited folks i know that's what

you're waiting for um but i do want to rewind a little bit and say when we threatened mom for uh to like get her in trouble for things she did to us we mean like that time that she hid my copy of halo 2 under the fish tank and i was really angry for weeks right to be clear uh there was literally no basis in anything that we said um so i just want to be very upfront that we were just being really difficult children who probably were going through some things of our own, but really didn't warrant a lot of the behavior. So just to be clear, we led a very lovely childhood for the most part. And the parts that weren't lovely were our fault. Right.

Well, yes. And, you know, we've all moved on. Not really, but, you know, we've tried. all moved on not really but um you know we've tried uh also i just want to tell you real quick about this uh-oh dilbert m&m machine and basically it had i put peanut m&ms in it and they didn't really fit so you had to like really you had to work for it she got her exercise and so dad let me keep it in my room and so i i would like keep it in the room and then at night i would like shake i'm sorry i'm sorry okay i'm done but one time i mentioned that on and that's where you drink

like a really early episode and when dad actually listened, and he called me and he was like, that never happened. And I was like, Dad, that's like the weirdest thing for me to make up. Like it happened. You got it at work or something and gave it to me. And he was like, Oh, that that was just an art installation. It wasn't meant to be actually used as a candy machine. I was like, why do you think it was empty every morning? And then I made you refill it. Anyway, okay. Okay, this is so irrelevant. I'm so sorry.

Anyway, Steve's jealous, or everyone's jealous of Steve and his hot wife. So I think that speaks for itself, really. Yes, we should have let it speak for itself. We never do, do we? No. So my first review is actually, so it's my only one of a uh daycare and it is of the muncie kinder care muncie indiana it's a one-star review uh by uh tyler and it's just an image but it's an image of a street sign that says entering boring and that's it end of review that's it yes oh is this one of

the three-year-olds being like i learned how to use google images and i want to tell you how i feel about my i don't know that was the only one you like only good one you found that's it okay and well good one is is pushing it okay fair pushing it well the other ones were all christina they were so negative i was reading these things and i'm like well yeah i'd leave a one-star review if that happened to my child yeah um and you were like oh look out of indiana indianapolis which i did and i'd go into these small towns in indiana and i was just like going across the map of Indiana search area, search area on Google maps. And I read so many fricking reviews and they were all so like,

I don't, okay. I'm not going to get into them, but yeah, they were bad. There were some bad ones. You all can probably imagine. Yeah. We were texting about it and she was like, why don't you just look at elementary schools within like 10 minutes? I found a bunch. Yeah. That did the trick um yeah so i guess if you can't find a good daycare for your your infant like just try elementary schools i think that seems to be less traumatic and i was excited because they were all religious too like there were all these different like christian like daycares and i was like oh they're gonna be some juicy ones in here but most of them didn't have reviews. I'll say that.

So it was hard to find ones that actually had reviews. And then when they did, they were pretty valid. Well, even this one by Steve, which is one of the most valid, I would say, complaints of all, basically, is Trinity. It was a Christian place, too. But, I mean, they never looked in the mirror, which was their biggest problem. They only looked to God. They only looked upward, yeah, instead of

at Steve's hot wife, unfortunately. Okay, so this is a review of Funshine Children's Center Indianapolis. So this was from Angie's List, which I don't know if we've ever read one from there before, but I don't think so. Here we go. It is rated D by an anonymous user. And by the way, I shortened this. It was too long paragraph. So I abridged it.

From the outside, this facility looks beautifully maintained. Such a shame that a cell tower is right there next to this property. As full disclosure, I have not received any services from this provider. This company does have a lot of great reviews, what I am commenting on is purely environmental. Within very close range of this child care center, there is a cell tower. Considering how much thinner the skulls of children are, no matter how excellent the programming at this facility is, I would never enroll my child.

I strongly encourage the owners of this facility to loudly lobby to have the cell tower removed as it is a health hazard. And then included a link to a questionable scientific research study. And just to be, you know, check all my dots or t's or whatever you say uh i went to check all your t's check all my t's i went to cancer.org and like researched this and according to the international agency for research on cancer and the u.s national toxicology program

radio frequency emissions that you get from a cell phone tower are like thousands of times lower than what would be needed to cause like exposure like danger yeah but the problem is children's skulls are thousands of times thinner you're right you're right that's what i didn't take and this is why i'm not a scientist um and this anonymous angie's user angie's list user is i love how they said to be clear i'm not getting paid to write this review right they said they're not receiving compensation oh no they they said they're not using the service like they're not receiving services from the funshine children's center like oh i thought they were saying they weren't like for the cell company that was using the tower i was like well obviously you want them to remove it like no no he was basically saying uh they weren't they weren't affiliated with the

no that he's basically saying oh he's okay they're leaving a negative review not of i'm gonna come up with this myself i don't want you to explain i don't know if you will but you keep trying they are saying that their negative review is not targeting the daycare it is targeting that cell tower yeah so basically he's saying i don't really have a leg to stand on here well it fell off you know cell phone towers but i don't really have a leg to stand on here because i never actually went to this daycare and know nothing about it seems to have some great reviews but it's too bad that it gets a d for me so got it um well then stay the fuck out of it um anyway so apparently according to the the you know the powers that be

the bp if you will um oh my god they're everywhere yeah they're everywhere there's no reason to believe that um cell phone towers cause are potential health hazard. So unless we get further notice. Well, that was written before 5G towers. Oh, that's true. That did kind of change the game. Yeah, before those created coronavirus. That's right. Oh, yeah.

And then all of a sudden all the preschools like dropped their enrollment. It's all related. Yeah. It's like those maps where they're like, look at where the 5G towers are. Look where the biggest cases of COVID are. And it's like, maps where they're like look at where the 5g towers are look where the biggest cases of covid are and it's like yes because people live there oh my god look there's no 5g tower in northeast corner of montana and there are no covid cases what's going on here it really is wild um it's probably done by that same research study that this guy linked.

Many times, by the way. Just kept including the link. Yeah. So anyway, so that's that. Your turn. My next one is of Sycamore Elementary School in Avon, Indiana. This is a one-star review by Zane. Great-looking school supply store.

But when I walk into the store from the front door the store was closed then i was yelled at by an officer to get off the property apparently it was a school and a review oh my gosh she was trying to buy like take school supplies from this literal school um i don't know if they were maybe no they seem they called it a store so maybe they were trying to buy it yes and thereby take it away from the school oh yes yes in exchange for money i don't know money or services i don't know what zane's up to wow yeah hi that's sketchy i'm sorry i don't know if if can you imagine some wander some dude i mean yeah some dude's literally wandering into an elementary school there's just like no like a stranger who

doesn't have a kid there there's no good uh look here there's no way around it do you think maybe and then i think about the times when i like graduated and was like drove by my high school like oh or my middle school even like oh look at that place that i used to go to and then in hindsight i'm like wait that's pretty creepy I probably shouldn't do that I remember going to after we graduated I stopped by our high school at one point and there was a security guard and he was like can I see your ID and I was like excuse me like we never had a security guard and then I was like oh wait this is actually a very good thing because I I mean, not anymore. So don't get any ideas, people. But we definitely didn't have like locked doors at our school growing up.

Like there was no, we didn't really have security. Christina, I don't know. When was that? I'm like surprised. Like, yeah, that's true. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, honestly, there were way too many reviews that basically said, there's a custody battle going on and my ex was able to pick up my child without and i was like holy shit like this gets really iffy stuff man exactly i mean i read one where someone

volunteered at a place before allowing their child to be there they were like oh i want to try volunteering there to get an idea how it works they said they like were able to walk in the back door walk through the entire place. No one questioned them. No one asked why they were there. They made it all the way to the kids and without talking to a single person. They hadn't done a background check or anything. And so they were like, yeah, gonna not put my kid in here.

Oh, it's so scary out there. It's really scary. It really is. And yeah, like most abductions come from someone like close, like a family member. So you were mentioning about an ex within a custody battle just being able to show up and take your kid that's scary that's really fucking scary yeah i feel like you're a little bit encroaching into my territory here my topic not not custody battles but like oh yeah by the way she's

law school right now i'm actually a divorce lawyer i thought you were gonna say i'm a kidnapper but yeah i'm a lawyer let's go with that i'm a lawyer right uh okay renee who's studying for the bar right now is like ready to fucking slap me in the face okay um let's see this is a one-star view also a fun shine children's center indianapolis this is a one-star review by Mike. I didn't think Funshine offered anything more than glorified daycare. For the money, this place is great for just average kids.

I truly don't feel like they have the experience and or education to be able to handle truly intelligent children like mine. End of review. Wow. Ouch. That one was bad that's gonna be you one day though what a truly intelligent child someday no no you're gonna talk about your kids that way yeah right

you're gonna say the opposite i'm gonna say the listen i will probably just give them an m&m a dilbert m&m and say you know what there you go call it a day yeah and then anyone and then they're gonna call social services on you and they're gonna be like is there dilbert paraphernalia in this home i'm gonna say don't take my green card anyway okay i'm so sorry i'm so sorry okay this sounds i don't know if this sounds bad. Oh, well, if you're hesitating, it probably does, but say it anyway. No, no, what we were just saying. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah.

Oh, that part. I'm nervous that we're going to get in trouble. Listen, we were dumb children. We weren't intelligent like Mike's children. We've made it very clear that we're the dumb ones. Yeah. And our mother did nothing wrong. And to be clear clear i'm not joking

about christina right now your fear right now is based in mom always telling you she's gonna lose her green card so you're worried that by doing this she's gonna lose it that's all it is oh wow you're playing some mind games with me i'm being your therapist right now thanks well i think i think my fear is that people think we're joking about calling children services, which I'm not joking about. And we never did that. No. And it's not funny. But we said that when we were trying to get children.

Right, right, right, right. It is not a joking matter, even though apparently we turn, you know, things that aren't funny into our own joking matters a lot of the time. So apologies. And to be clear, we're making fun of our past selves not saying our past selves were just we had a great idea when we were smart children i don't even know where we got i think it was a billboard it said two four one kids and we were like oh i guess that's where we call when mom hides halo too like i don't even know okay i'm digging myself into a hole probably yep oh lord okay uh that was my last one star basically mike's

children are smarter than yours so end of story true um well i have a review from one of mike's children this is of hope elementary school in hope indiana wow that's my mat one star i just don't like school lol get schooled lol end of review entering boring good one that's the reason that kid is the reason mom hit halo 2 for me oh probably wouldn't interact with those children online well but then you probably got online and she was like shit okay here's halo 2 please get off the internet things are worse over there and then i got schooled you got schooled i do remember that yeah no you did get schooled tough times man get schooled lol spoken like a true wise child i have a redemption i only have please redeem us one redemption should i read that no let me read the one two star okay

last one because i have i actually have a real redemption for once. Okay. Well, this is a Turkey-run elementary school in Marshall, Indiana. How anyone could say anything negative about a school with that name. I'm dumbfounded. It's not totally directed at the school. You'll see. This is a two-star review by James.

It's dumb because my girlfriend goes to this school, Kylie. I saw her and Sam told me. And Kylie lives on First Street in Rockville, Indiana. So you don't forgive me, do you, Kylie? You broke my heart. I'm dead. A guy killed me with a knife. I will always love you.

Goodbye. I am rest in peace by Corey's mom. One Republic counting stars starting. End of review. What the hell is that? Um, children. What does it say at the end? Stars? What?

One Republic counting stars. What says counting? C-O-U-T-I-N-G. I don't get it. What does that mean? They're talking about a song. One Republic. Oh my God. Oh Jesus. It's on counting stars. t-i-n-g i don't get it um what does that mean about a song one republic oh my god oh jesus

it's like when i would write like my chemical romance like on my myspace yeah okay yeah man it's uh we'll be counting stars that song seriously yes that's what they think is like they're okay listen i'm not here to judge anyone's breakup song, even though I just totally did. Wow. To be honest, though, what a bitch. Kylie? Yeah. Really?

Because I can't fucking tell. I can't either. I'm just joking. Also, it's a child. I think Corey's mom is the one who's causing the real issue. So what happened with Corey's mom? I don't know. It just says, by Corey's mom. Oh, my God. What if Corey's mom wrote don't know it just says by cory's mom oh my god what

of course mom wrote that oh that's what it's saying oh oh it's one of those things like you like people on the internet do like like on like xbox live they're like you like you were mean to my son he just committed suicide i found him have you not seen this shit like kids fake that shit i'm i'm i'm his dad writing you right now oh my god how dare you or like it's really fucked up really not good attempted emotional uh abuse and manipulation but yeah that's what people do they do shit like that what do we do children do that what do we do to stop it um i honestly i think your kids are gonna be different because they're gonna have uh the dilbert uh candy machines in the room and that'll that'll keep them preoccupied maybe that was the key uh just just put bigger peanut m&ms like a mega size so it'll

take them longer to get them out you have to shake it also that thing's probably like rusted shut by now you don't see your kids for two hours and you have guests over? What are your kids up to? They're still trying to get those M&Ms out. Don't worry. It's just one M&M and it's really big. And it's stuck under Dilbert's tie, which is rusted shut. Okay.

Ew. Okay. Too far. I'm sorry. I'm really scared because I feel like it's probably thrown away no i'm serious i want it back i really hope it's fuck christina anything but that does anybody know where it is that was not for me that That was from Christine's mom.

I found it on eBay. Vintage Dilbert electronic candy dispenser. Oh, it's electronic? Yes. I thought it was like a crank thing. No, Alexander. It's amazing. I'm going to text you in the chat here.

I see it. Yes. I'm going to sign it from my mom oh my god i was not picturing that and i forgot now i see it i'm like of course that's what it looked like i forgot about it i don't like in my head i was just like it's a dilbert candy dispenser but i like never really thought of it any further and then i started thinking i was like what even does that mean a dilbert candy dispenser but i'm glad i googled it and it's like real can i have a question for you though yeah yeah did you have multiple candy dispensers in your room why because for some reason i'm also imagining a different kind that you had i had a different one for jelly beans but i don't think it was had a beloved cartoon character no no i don't think it had a beloved cartoon character on it. No, no, no. I don't think so either. Okay. Just curious. I ate a lot of candy as a child.

These are pretty cheap, actually. I know. Guys, this is amazing. I also had a gumball machine. I mean, not like a nice one, like a little dinky plastic one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it felt special. Not like a fucking five foot tall. Yeah, yeah.

No, my parents knew slightly better than that um wow they sell this thing man maybe i gotta like should i no shouldn't no don't okay um i do have a new mailbox if anyone wants to don't send her one you gotta hatch them all that's true that's true well thank you by the way sarah if you're listening still oh sarah sarah probably gave up on us a long time ago sarah's like i'm not just gonna buy you gifts over and over sarah still listens i'm just kidding oh can i say one side note for real though like in all seriousness yes yes yes i know it looks like i'm about to say something joking i'm not um so we have gotten some really nice gifts to uh i don't know if we've mentioned

this to the and that's why we drink po box but it takes em and me like many moons to get to them and then sometimes em and i open them by mistake so if you do happen to have beach t sandy like anything to ever send us alexander has an la po box and i have a cincinnati one i don't even know why it's not like i get a lot of mail, but just in case, because I don't... Okay, when I went to LA last, I had a carry-on and someone gave me a really nice gift,

but it was a corkscrew and I couldn't take it on the plane. So you know what I mean? Anyway. My point is we both have a mailbox and I guess we can put them on our website or something. Yeah, and it's also on my Twitch page because I'm worried about saying it on here because

if i ever change it and then people start sending that happened before on an s-way drink so anyway it's on our website bcc.com it is now maybe we'll see if we did it no no it's not but maybe it will be maybe it will be okay you can find it if you really want to send us some shit you'll find it and i only say that not to ask for things, but to say to the people who sent them, we got them. Months later. Months later. But thank you also for your kind gifts.

Okay, that was really long. I'm sorry. So I have a five-star redemption. Now, this is the last one, right? Of this theme? Okay. This is a five-star redemption of Kitty Kingdom by Jonathan. Oh my God.

Sorry. I don't know. Something about that Kitty Kingdom by Jonathan. Oh my God. Sorry. I don't know. Something about that name I don't like. It's not good. Where are you headed? Kitty Kingdom. I think it's called like the full name is something like Kitty Kingdom of Christ or something.

Okay. Never mind. Then that's fine. Startling. Okay. This is a five-star read by Jonathan. I can't say enough good things about Kitty Kingdom Christian Academy. Okay, that's it.

Not Kitty Kingdom of Christ. That's scarier than what I described, I think. Kitty Kingdom. I can't say enough good things about Kitty Kingdom Christian Academy, and in particular, Miss Tawana F. She is nothing short of amazing. Miss F was my two kids' preschool teacher 18 years ago. She not only taught my children,

she taught me. As she was the first educator for my young children, I learned more from her and her guidance than I did in any book. Unfortunately, we had to move away, but she is always in my prayers of thanks for the foundation she laid with our family. End of review.

It was like, so, I was like so i was like oh my god finally someone's like in a different state years later and it's just like i still think about miss toana yeah i mean that's special i mean if like when i i was just thinking about teachers that i had growing up and i'm like yeah i remember very specific ones and the rest i completely forget yeah same like i remember my one of my third grade teachers, Mrs. Hilton, that's it. Like I don't remember any of the other ones. Okay, you want to know something bad? I dressed as her for Halloween.

This is for the viewers, listeners. I dressed as her for Halloween one time. The end. That is pretty weird. She was probably really weirded out. It was a very weird behavior. Once I left third grade, I would email her.

Like I had like a back and forth email chain with her and she would correct my spelling and stuff yes very nicely but yeah um i remember because i would compare emails with you and mine never had any spelling corrections okay let's you know what also i had a moment and also i had a gray wig because i was dressed as her it was really not a good look for me um no it was like some like Norman Bates shit. You were in the basement wearing her wig. Very creepy. Yeah.

I even had like a yardstick. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We have to find that photo. She famously had a yardstick that she carried around. I know. I'm like, that sounds like a...

Okay. We're going to post a photo. It was for like punitive measures or something. It was not don't listen to her she's being she's like trashing mrs hilton's reputation i'm not i loved mrs hilton she and i were very close yeah i was closer no bullshit okay you didn't dress no christine i dressed with her on other days not when it was just to make fun of her i dressed on her to honor her in my free time i showed up in fourth grade dressed as her and i was like i miss her this much

i don't remember i don't know your names teachers but you're no mrs hilton we had a really, really strange... Remember when I said it was really nice and it was just really weird? Yeah. We did a lot of weird things. I'm not... Like, that's not an exaggeration.

I'm not sure what from this episode is real or fake. I think it's all real, so... I'm pretty sure it's all real, Danny. I can't tell anymore. Can we move on to the less troubling topic of Guy Fieri? Guy Fieri. Okay, can we move on to the less troubling topic of Guy Fieri? Okay, great. So my challenge was to find reviews mentioning Guy Fieri that are not of his restaurant.

And of course, Renee heard this and immediately texted me, Guy Fieri, the father of my children. And then I didn't respond for like many hours because I was in LA recording something. And then like four hours later, she texted me again and said, oh, don't have children and i was like yeah i know it's just very funny i don't know um so anyway guy fieri i feel like he's it was in case you would read that on the podcast you see now maybe that's fair um so i feel like guy fierieri has had kind of a comeback. Like he, you know, he's always in the public eye, but now he's like a modern hero, you know? Because they almost renamed Columbus, Ohio Flavortown. There's still hope.

There's still hope. Christine 2020. Now, this is the first thing i have for you as i said there are a couple uh diner diners what is it called diners drive-ins and dives featured places in these reviews so this is sent in by jet propulsion who says they are a proud sorry who says they are proud three-month hog pen resident and then said hello when i heard the challenge was for reviews mentioning Guy Fieri, I immediately thought of Falafel Drive in San Jose. They were featured on his Diver, Drivers, and Whatever the Fuck show.

And then said, I'm attaching some reviews and photos of the murals. The renditions of our liege fieri are truly blursed but i'm like not really because you just didn't even know the name of his show but i guess we'll take it i guess we'll take it jed it wasn't me i didn't say it diners fuck i don't even know how to say it christina yeah you struggled at the beginning of this i didn't call him my liege okay okay he's my liege i have you been i've been to his restaurant he's my liege officially okay but yeah i but then again yeah jed i can say diners drive-ins and dives because i pray to him anyway continue wow okay this is a review of falafel's drive-in

there's a four-star review by glenn guy fury usually isn't wrong except when it comes to shirts and hairstyles, and facial hair configurations, and which snowboarding glasses to wear to the funeral. But he's right about it being one of the hottest Middle Eastern restaurants in the area, with spectacular praise and a love of traditional styles and comfort food. And he's especially right about the banana shake. It is the best, subtle fresh, and only $3 as part of the special. The falafel sandwich was big and flavorful, but the two sauces are on top,

which makes the top half super sauce heavy and the bottom half super dry. The atmosphere of this old school roadside attraction is cool, with the huge neon sign, open kitchen to see the busy friendly workers, and an outdoor eating area surrounded by a bright mural, complete with Guy Fieri's face. Welcome to Falafel-avertown. End of review. I love it. I want to live in Falafel-avertown.

Three people found this review cool. Ooh, with their snowboarding sunglasses. I think that's why I picked it. I thought that was excellent. That was wonderful. I think that's why I picked it. I thought that was excellent. That was wonderful.

So now I have the rest of my reviews are not of drivers, divans and drives restaurants. I hope that was a joke. Like I don't even know how to say it. I hope so. Cause my goodness, you're embarrassing me. I hope I am. Cause it sounds hilarious.

Okay. I want him to listen to our show. Garcia. I do too. Well, he won't now. Well, Alexander, he won't after he got eight seconds in and heard anything about what we've said about Dilbert. Fair.

Good point. Good point. So this was sent in by Mariel, and it was a nice email from Vancouver, Canada. And Mariel sent in reviews of the S'mores Indoor Pizza 2 Pack from Sam's Club. Wow. And this was a Guy Fieri branded product sold in Sam's Club stores. I don't know what else to say. So I'm going to read to you two reviews and let you decide for yourself what you think.

Okay. This is a one-star review by lucky number 13 can you say nasty my son thought this would be a great substitute for his birthday cake because he loves s'mores and pizza well nowhere on the box does it say the s'mores pizza is loaded with cayenne and chili peppers we like spicy but not on s'mores. This is disgusting. What a disappointment. Thank God for Sam's product guarantee. This is definitely going back for a refund. I think they misspelled fee fund, but that's a point. That is foul. Yes. Now this is the point where I tell you that this has eight reviews, all one star, and all feature the word spice or spicy well that sounds foul okay yeah

i'm not gonna lie okay now here is the one more review i'm gonna read you by club member 59 this is the worst thing i have ever bought there was something very hot in it that burned all our tongues and throats we had to throw it away and i don't know what to do with the other one as they Now there's a photo that is featured here. I'm going to send this to you and see what you think. Like if you'd like to maybe give it a go. Here it is. It's pretty foul. Okay.

We haven't posted a picture on our Instagram in like a month. I think we found it. I thought it was Dilbert. I thought it was me as Mrs. Hilton. Oh, my God. Wait. All of it. In the collage.

It looks kind of like beans. I don't know. Christina, don't insult beans with whatever this monstrosity is. Okay. You just won, Blaze, $100 because I have a quote here. Quote, Christine, it looks like beans. Alexander, don't you dare bring beans into this. Blaze made a bet yesterday.

He's like, I said, it looks like beans. And he's like, $100. Alexander gets offended that you saved the pizza. Are you joking? made a bet yesterday he's like i said it looks like beans and he's like a hundred dollars alexander gets uh offended that you are you joking i literally have it right here i was like staring at it as you fucking got upset about being christina of course i'd get upset about that because it's trashing my favorite food are you kidding me it looks really foul you're right we have to post this somewhere maybe we'll do like a slideshow uh yeah we'll do multiple posts on instagram we'll be like we've been away for so long here's some amazing content

with multiple photos haven't you missed us everything you've missed it's really foul i mean listen i love a good guy but woof he really missed the mark on this one i'd say you love a good guy you sure do his name is blaze yeah i sure do and he just won 100 bucks um also i uh i looked at the box i was like i was like surely surely it says somewhere there's cayenne in this thing yeah you'd think right oh no it doesn't it literally just is like chocolate marshmallow on a graham cracker crust and like was there a mistake i don't know because eight different people over a period of time all said it burned their throats that was like the most common like one person bought it for a dinner party and said all 12 of us had burning throats and i was like

jesus uh so that is a discontinued product darn bummer oxen what did you just send me nothing my hand i'm i'm not i didn't send anything really is there a ghost what is happening today did you see that no i don't see anything okay no joke i'm sitting here and i heard like bloop bloop like as if something got sent to me and on the skype screen the huge picture of Dilbert appears. No, I swear. I didn't do anything. It literally went bloop bloop. I wasn't even on the right window. I was like in my document.

Okay, this is creepy. Dilbert sees you. Okay, so now I have this review of In-N-Out. So again, not one of Guy Fieri's restaurants. And this is a three-star review by Franco. What the heck happened to In-N-Out? The quality of the meat has took a turn for just plain old taste. Has she grown too big and now she gets lower quality meat? Now it tastes at a level of McDonald's. Everyone who has noticed this should go to Five Guys and

have a taste of their burgers because that's what In-N-Out used to taste like. I'm not promoting Five Guys at all because they're way overpriced for a burger. But come on already, In-N-Out, please go back to the way you were when you started. BTW, anyone here ever eat at Guy Fieri's burger joint on Carnival cruise ships? OMG, that is a great burger. End of review. You know what? That did not go where I was expecting it. I was sitting there that whole time thinking okay where's guy fury coming in uh-oh they're insulting the quality uh-oh uh-oh this is bad this is bad mcdonald's okay okay oh we're complimenting him honestly i will say there were it was really hard to find negative reviews good hearing yes i was very impressed i was like all right like i i'm on

board for this no he seems like a great guy i've i don't know from what i can tell uh also his branding aside from the s'mores but like he's in sam's club he's on carnival cruise ships like he's taken over man he's the name of the capital of ohio almost he's killing it and he's very self it's like very self-aware like owns owns who he is kind of thing like somebody said uh they i forget i didn't include it but i was talking about a restaurant and i said like this was guy fury approved but there was no flavor there was no this there was no bam and i was like that's emerald like i don't even know how i know that but i got so I was like, that is the wrong chef, my friend. Wrong celebrity chef. Wrong celebrity chef.

So, okay. Now, this is the final thing, and I saved it for last, because now it's the final photo for our carousel that we're treating everyone's eyes to. Oh, boy. Okay. This is a review of Smash Mouth, Recipes from the Road, a rock and roll cookbook. Uh-oh. Let me send you a picture of this beautiful...

If this thing dings at me again and this appears back at my face... Guy Fieri is famously the lead singer of Smash Mouth. Just wait. Oh, my God. That's amazing. It's amazing. I'm not going to spoil not gonna spoil yeah don't worry you'll find out shortly so this is the little bio or the uh description of the book this is on

amazon smash mouth invades the culinary world with a rock and roll cookbook recipes from the road is a unique fusion of delicious recipes, hilarious real-life road stories straight from the mouth, candid road photos, and guest recipes from pop icons such as Guy Fieri, Sammy Hagar of Van Halen, Jerome Bettis of the Pittsburgh Steelers,

and Michael Simon of Iron Chef, all displayed in a beautiful eye-popping layout. It's eye-popping. I'll give it that. That's the one correct adjective. Now, I'm going to read you one review. This is a three-star review by SP. Like a smash right in the mouth.

You might think that combining rock and cooking seems somewhat illogical, but you would be wrong. All I had to see was that super chill bro Guy Fieri was involved and this contraption was off and running for me. This book is filled with recipes to serve up to your bros while crushing cold cans and scoping hot babes on the weekend. I deducted two stars for the Sammy Hagar section. I have no idea what is going on with that dude. Your life can't only be filled with power of rock. Eventually,

you have to eat. Why not eat like an all-star end of review what was that last bit directed at sammy hagar i think i couldn't tell if it was at me oh it might yeah because it might it was either you or sammy hagar i think it was like i can't tell what's going on with that dude next anyway to dear reader you can't only fill your life with rock and roll you gotta eat so well see that filling your life with rock and roll makes me think sammy agar and then it's like you got the whole book is called rock and roll cookbook true so implying that anyone who reads this is living that rock and roll life yeah well you know you saw that they performed right like during coronavirus who smash smash

no they did somewhat of a questionable concert uh during coronavirus oh dear let me read this was august 11th um smash mouth performed this is an insider.com smash mouth performed for hundreds of people at a motorcycle rally over the weekend. And apparently it was held despite the coronavirus pandemic. No social distancing. Very few people wearing masks. And at one point, Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell can be heard saying, fuck that COVID shit. Well, you know, I have the same sentiment, but I say it from my couch, not from a stage.

Well, no, he meant like, fuck that COVID shit. I know, I know. We're here. I'm aware. I'm making a joke, but yes. It was funny. Your joke was hilarious. No, it wasn't, but that's okay.

It happened again. What? They performed again? It just said that I received a new message and it was a picture of Smash Mouth. Christina, I think you're in trouble. I don't know. Something's happening. I think I've upset the ghosts from my like 1800s house.

They were like, this is not what we want in our presence in the afterlife. Dilbert and Smash Mouth. Could you imagine? It's like the worst combination. You die and then like someone moves into where you're haunting and all they'll talk about is Dilbert and Smash Mouth over and over and over again. Get my hands on a copy of both of those products and like feature them in my home.

I can't wait. I can. I'm not visiting you ever again if either of those things show up at your doorstep. Just as I planned. Perfect. Well, thanks everyone for listening. This has been a great episode. Speak for yourself. I said that with all the sarcasm of the daycare workers for Mike's children

who are just so jealous of his hot wife. All right. So are we ready? Yes. Well, I have a theme for you. Okay. So usually I'm not like this because my birthday is the last day of September next week yep and I hate okay I don't hate I'm being dramatic but I hate when people are like oh good Halloween's coming like it's time for all the Halloween stuff because I'm like no my birthday comes first oh I see it's a special holiday um also did you know my birthday happens to be like international podcast day or some shit yes Yes, I do. Because I recalled last year that being a really strange coincidence and us going, I guess let's just go for it. I rediscovered that fact like last week. Yeah.

That's weird, huh? Anyway, I'm going to do something that's fall-y to like really get in the season despite the fact that it hasn't been my birthday yet. Something autumnal. Autumnal. Autumnal indeed. Even though it's pretty frustrating when getting out all the decorations for National Podcasting Day

and you're like, hello, you're skipping my birthday. Priorities, people. So our theme for next week is going to be corn mazes in Iowa. Oh, holy shit. That's good, Zandy. I thought so too. I came up with it too you did that's so good okay well happy birthday because we are i know you just said that we're not talking

about halloween but i'm going to anyway um this is uh this was sent in by mahali who has sent in challenges i believe before or themes and uh mahali said that they listened to the and that's why we drink episode on black eyed children and suggested finding a review finding reviews that mention a creepy child or a creepy baby i love that and i feel like we're approaching i mean your birthday so it does fit as you being a creepy child and all and we're approaching october so we're getting closer to spooky season yes but we're not there yet people okay not there quite yet come on come on wait a day october 1st you can start okay thank you let's do corn and creepy kids that's the episode no don't phrasing but okay let. Let us... Jesus Christ.

See you next week. Bye. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Bye.