Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 97: Apple Orchards in New Hampshire

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a bug, and enjoy! Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello and welcome to Beachy Sandy Water Chouette, the autumnal place for all of your autumnal needs. This is Christine talking. And this is Alex talking right now. And I'm about to stop talking now.

Wow, that was good timing on your part. Thank you. We have reviews this week of apple orchards in New Hampshire, which made me feel all sorts of fall feelings. Describe these feelings. Explain yourself. I'm about to make everyone else feel them, too. So don't worry. Don't you worry.

You're getting in the boat with me. The autumnal boat. Okay. Yeah. So this was kind of fun, especially because it's been hot here in la and not autumnal whatsoever oh it's been really lovely here it's perfect fall weather it's like 65 degrees and beautiful leaves and that's all that i can think of but it's really nice So I will spread some of it your way. I'm so happy for you. Please, please, please spread, spread away.

Spread away. Okay. This first review I have. So there's this place that I assume you saw as well, because it was really popular called Max Apples. Yeah. Did you see that when you were looking? I saw lots of about Max. Yeah. Yeah. So they have a lot of criticism online. I mean, I hear their owner's liberal oh i did hear that as well yes that was a big problem can you believe it can you imagine so max apple is otherwise known as max criminal apples and oh my god and there was um apple jail apple prison um prison max so people because there was like why i don't i didn't read these oh really it was just tons of them because there was this lady who apparently walks around with the walkie-talkie and they like

patrol all of the orchard aisles lanes i don't know what they're called and uh if you're in the wrong lane you'll get like they called the police on somebody um i don't know apparently lane i think they actually had a i think they had a stroller full of stolen apples so i guess that was a little different um well okay is this like covid related or no no they just like if you're in the wrong zone then you get in like huge trouble and so people are like my children haven't stopped crying because like this lady screamed at them they're just apparently very strict um and scary i'm trying to figure out what um it's called the the lane between apple trees and an orchard aisles no that's not right either nothing sounds good so let's just pretend we we don't know what we're talking about driving down the wrong lane. So anyway, point being about MaxApples, I found some and then Danielle had actually sent in some

as well. And so I'm just going to credit Danielle for this one. So thanks, Danielle. This is a review of MaxApples by Linda, two stars. Lots of cider and donuts, but no cups. So we had to buy our stuff, leave and find a drugstore to buy cups. We are now in the parking lot drinking our cider. End of review. How are these people not just easygoing? Like, it's not that hard. I just wonder if they're at the parking lot of the drugstore

or if they drove back to the parking lot of the Max. I assumed it was the Max, but now I'm like, ew, are they just in a Walgreens parking lot? i've slept in a walmart parking lot in my car so like i don't know drinking a cup of cider but yeah why aren't they moving like might as well just like go home that's what i'm saying i guess maybe they're some people were like tourists yeah i imagine if you're a tourist and you end up just they're like how was your trip here's a slideshow it's us sitting in the rite aid parking lot just going on a rant about max and their lack of cups those little toothpaste cups you know yeah for when you're brushing your teeth please tell me you don't use little cups when you brush your teeth i know what you're referring to do that

i don't know but i've never seen you do that i don't do that okay i just wanted to act like i was civilized for four seconds and like i'm not the type of person to drink cider in a parking lot but like i definitely am so now fine if you want my true colors you got them but like that experience of drinking cider in a parking lot it doesn't sound like a one-star experience like it sounds like okay got some yummy cider from the apple orchard let's go drink it now at a parking lot like whatever it seems so chill and fun weird if they sold cups at the orchard right yeah which it's like which lane is it in which aisle sells the cups which lane now when you should know the word it's not definitely not lane um but yeah like you i assume it's like they have a store

where they sell these things yeah and then when i don't know i don't know i don't know it doesn't matter either way just enjoy your cider thank you danielle now it's your turn zany okay i'm excited to see what you brought to the to the thanksgiving table this is a one-star review of uh applecrest farm uh by denny apple picking fast becoming a privilege for the rich thanks in part to applecrest yes pick your own second mortgage because you'll need one after you buy a mere peck for 25 i'd understand if these were sushi trees but these are apples he's in the wrong aisle again these people are like so bad they're almost as bad as i am at directions but these are apples we're talking about here outrageous prices and a nickel and dime attitude no thanks end of review except they added a picture of a line of porta potties oh my god okay to be fair he has a point because like my mortgage was only 23 dollars

and so if i had to pay 25 dollars to buy apples like i'd have to take out a second mortgage you know what i mean yeah that's crazy my mortgage here is two pecs of apples yeah two pecks of apples. Yeah, two pecks of apples. And how many bushels? Conversion rate is something I cannot do. I let my accountant handle that. The metric system is really complicated. Anyway, wow, that's a sushi tree. It's really excellent. I like the thought of that.

Imagery, though, yeah. I was actually pretty impressed by that imagery. Wow, that's good. Okay, I have one of Elwood Orchards. Three stars by Isaiah. It's okay. There's nothing really there except for the corn maze. The corn maze is fun at first, but then it's so hard to get out of.

It's unenjoyable in the end. Until this day, I never finished the corn maze. No, get him out. I'm glad you have the same thought as me. I was like, oh no. Where's the rescue team? He's still in the corn maze to this very day. This sounds like a folk, an urban legend.

He's like still, except like a rural legend. A rural legend. He's still stuck in the corn maze. The rural legend of Isaiah. He haunts the corn maze. Although I will say I did look it up and it's 14 acres. Like the corn maze is- Just the corn maze?

So he might've already taken out a mortgage and moved in there because it's 14 acres for the entire corn maze. Like people said after an hour and a half we had to take the emergency exit out oh my oh my god yeah at least they have an emergency exit geez yeah they have multiple but that's that's pretty cool though like a make it a challenge that's what i thought i was like that must be uh like a full day's activity you know yeah but then and then i bet there are people those people who enjoy that kind of maze go to other ones and they're like this was barely a maze how many acres finished

it my three-year-old finished it in two minutes anyway i'm all see i'm right these things write themselves yeah yeah they write them in your own apartment at night probably while you're sitting in the dark they sure do okay next we've got uh another one of applecrest this is a one star by daniel i ordered asparagus picked up and paid expensive trusting that my special order would be treated with care and respect. Ha! When I got home, I found that the old overweight woman behind the register gave me multiple one and a half inch diameter stocks hidden in the bag. They looked like the tops of Christmas trees. I will never be back.

Their loss as I am vegetarian. Do not trust these dishonest merchants. End of review. Your loss. You got a vegetarian on your hands and you lost them. Don't get me started on vegetarians. That's what I've told all my ex-boyfriends. I'm like, you don't even know what you're missing.

I'm a vegetarian. Oh my God. It's terrible. One and a half inch diameter is that even possible i don't wait how what do you mean is it possible diameter that's like yeah no i know that is that is quite quite quite large like that's like how wide it is right you're saying like is it possible for like an asparagus i don't know know. Okay. I'm going to be that guy and just admit it. I'm not too familiar with asparagus agriculture. Wow.

Yes. About time you finally said something publicly. Unfortunately, that was not a how it's made that I watched growing up. That's where I got all of my information. I mean, have you seen how asparagus grows though i feel like i it's something weird i know i just admitted to not knowing now you're gonna fucking school me on agriculture well because i just googled it i'm looking at google images it looks like they literally just come out of the ground oh uh maybe wait a second maybe they literally gave him a little christmas tree by accident like mixed up in the asparagus it just a little

spruce came up they're like little spirit like the asparagus shoot out of the ground i'm having fomo i want to see them i feel almost dumb not realizing this is what it looked like. Whoa, is that real? Is that real? Every single picture on Google Images makes it look like that's how they grow. It's so beautiful. They look so clean. Yeah, I think that one is a very special pesticide-laden farm or something. This looks like an April Fool's joke. Right?

Yes, that's exactly what it looks like. Where they tell me that spaghetti grows on trees and also asparagus grows like trees well i'm gonna google fat asparagus to see what happens because i want to see to see what happens how dramatic what's gonna happen oh my god oh my god look at this that's fat asparagus yeah yeah chunky asparagus i mean it's probably just as edible right i don't know if it tastes any good though i don't know i feel like it'd probably be really um what's the word you know when they're really crunchy like stringy like woody fibrous fibrous thank you you're welcome because i was thinking like like i i wasn't thinking they're

the same as brussels sprouts but do you think Brussels sprouts, they grow interestingly and they have a stalk. But with asparagus, the stalk is what you eat. It's like it is the plant. Yes. Is there a root underneath? Do you cut off the root? Yes, yes, yes. There is a root.

So there is a picture of, I saw a picture of like an asparagus fully plucked and there was like a bulbous little thing at the bottom. Asparagus fully plucked and there was like a bulbous little thing at the bottom asparagus fully plucked educational podcast we just lost any sort of agricultural based listeners that we may have had who think we're the biggest morons on the planet don't worry we lost them when i admitted to not knowing anything because they were insulted that i didn't see that episode of how it's made they were like we worked so hard on that episode um well you know what they don't know what they're missing because i'm a vegetarian so if they think that they're gonna be better off without me then they are mistaken all right i have a review of smith orchard this is a one-star review by sam

terrible orchard the grass is up to your calves, and it's all uneven hills and rocks. You can't buy anything from the main building because it's locked, and no one works here. There is a graveyard in the middle- I think they got lost. That's what I'm saying! There's an old-timey prospector who keeps yelling at me you can only see half his body there is a graveyard in the middle of the orchard and my kids are constantly trying to avoid the bees that have decided to burrow under the overgrown grass

not good for kids adults adults, or apple picking. End of review. Okay, that was just a complaint about nature. I think they're, well, and an abandoned graveyard? I don't know. It seemed like maybe they're not at an orchard because it's all made of rocks and nobody works there, and it's empty and it's locked, and there are dead people buried underground with a bunch of bees.

Yeah. There is not a single mention of a single apple tree. So I'm not convinced that this was a real place. Really strange. Also, the kids are just like stuck in the grass. It just seems really ominous and like very, you know, very spooky. They're falling in the bee burrows. The bee burrows next to like you know

great grandma irene who's buried middle of one of the aisles oh man i like this also you can't buy anything because it's locked and no one works there it's like wait okay but also i don't know if you're even supposed to be there yeah exactly, exactly. I think there's something else wrong here. I think you're trespassing. Also, who complains about bees nowadays? Come on. Let the bees do their thing. Just leave them alone.

They're trying to burrow. Leave them alone. Okay, I only have redemptions left. Would you like to give your final one-star review? Negative, yeah. Okay, this is of Wellwood Orch orchards and it's actually i found out in springfield vermont but it's like right on the border so it's like you freaking cheater it comes up in yelp it's because yelp doesn't tell you whatever give the vermont people what they want

some i actually looked it up i actually looked up the border on Google Maps, and it's on the border. The highway crosses right there. So it's maybe a five-minute drive from New Hampshire. Okay. What state is it in? Disarray. Oh. No, that was the last one. Sorry.

I was going to say that. That's the one with the rocks. Okay. Also, there's an Elwood Orchards in New Hampshire, and then there's a wellwood orchards it's all very confusing okay this is a three-star view of wellwood orchards orchards three stars by jenny went to wellwood today the cashier was fine and gave good directions on where to find the berries i came here with my niece and she liked the petting zoo other than the fact that one of the goats ripped her designer dress. The strawberries were small but good and the cherries were terrible so I had to spit them out.

Overall, it was fine. Hashtag fine. End of review. Do you think that's part of their system? Do they have a hashtag system for their own reviews? Maybe. This one is a fine. Yeah, they put fine at the last word in all capitals

then enter enter hashtag fine yeah so maybe that's how they organize them you know filing system for them to go back later and be like i want to revisit all of these fine places to see if they're any better which i would respect but um i kind of doubt that's the case i kind of doubt also i read that to blaze and he was like i love how it's so designer that she didn't say like what designer she just said it was a designer dress i mean i don't know why you're wearing a designer dress to a petting zoo but okay well because they got it at ross for like not that much money which is fine that's where i get all my things so yeah also it's her niece which i i don't know how old but i'm imagining it's a child um because the woman who wrote it seemed very young from her photo, which I know that the

niece could be adult. I understand that. We make assumptions here. People are used to that by now. It's a child in a designer dress from Ross for Less. Yes. The end. Ross for Less.

Yes. Hashtag fine. Hashtag fine. Everything but that designer dress is fine. That designer dress. Hashtag fine. Hashtag fine. Everything but that designer dress is fine. That designer dress is just... It's next to Aunt Irene in the graveyard. Again, people just complain

about nature being nature. What the fuck? Don't feed a goat your clothing if you don't want a goat to eat your clothing. Thank you. You know what? I might not understand agriculture, but i do understand uh taxonomy of animals no okay too far taxidermy neither of those words are correct okay sorry go ahead with your redemption save us from this okay both of my redemption are of our

max apples and i did choose to do this because I read their negative reviews and a lot of them were just political in nature, complaining that the owner has political signs. It's like they're telling everyone how to vote. Yeah, it's bullshit like that.

And I'm gonna mention something that happened at Max that should not be considered political is a black lives matter black lives matters rally that happened in june um where actually the in londonberry is which is where it is one of the speakers was actually the police chief uh bill hart uh who talked about changes that need to be made to the police oh my goodness okay um so yeah anyway so max seems like a pretty cool place so i'm gonna read a couple of uh five star reviews i mean i did hear that the police chief only showed up because they called the police when

someone was in the wrong lane but it's nice he stayed for the rally the number of times in this article that it said peaceful because it was like like to be like you no idiots in the comments can say it was anything but peaceful uh-huh nice try though nice try okay here is a five-star review uh by brenda of max apples great family day friendly service lovely orchard just be careful of the holes made from our woodland animal friends. End of review. Oh my god, I'm so glad you read that because I almost read one of a lady who fell in a groundhog hole. Oh no! And it was a negative review, but I felt really bad. It was funny for a minute, and then I was like, this isn't funny, she's actually in pain.

it was like funny for a minute and then i was like this isn't funny she's actually like in pain probably hurt yeah i i like that they like said hey animals are doing their things just be careful about it instead of being like how dare these animals do their thing they're all burrowing all the time get out of those burrows animals entertain me i want to pet you bee all right should i read my redemption? Yeah. Okay, this is the redemption of Riverview Farm, and this is a five-star review by Steven. Riverview Farm is one of my favorite places. It is accessible but feels completely isolated. It can entertain kids and adults for hours.

Having visited dozens of times as the former and several as the latter, I can back up this claim. And most importantly, the family that made it what it is are exceptional human beings. Having visited dozens of times as the former and several as the latter, I can back up this claim. And most importantly, the family that made it what it is are exceptional human beings. I spent Christmas this year at my family's house outside of Hanover. I grew up in the area but have since started my own life far enough away that I don't make it back to New England as often as I would like, and almost never during the growing season. This year, my mom remembered how much I love the farm. She asked, and I told her that to me, Riverview feels like the embodiment of New Hampshire,

that I wished I had been in the area before it closed for the season. I remember the inside of the checkout barn more vividly than almost anything else from my childhood. Fresh donuts and hot cider on the left, a deck overlooking the river out back, gourds stacked up along the walls ahead and to the right, and the smell of the dried flowers hanging from the ceiling everywhere in between. My mom made a quick phone call, hopped in her car, and drove to Riverview Farm. Though they were closed for the holidays, the Franklins met my mom and unlocked the barn to let her look around. On Christmas morning, I had dried flowers in my stocking, and now I have a little piece of Riverview Farm to take with me back to Pennsylvania. Though we have never formally met paul and nancy's farm had a large impact on my life and in return i can offer nothing but admiration and my sincerest endorsement to

visit their farm end of review oh my god isn't that nice yeah i want to go to there i know me too sounds wonderful i can't believe they opened it up and let her in there no on the off season well yeah i can't believe because they sound so sweet and nice and have an amazing space paul and nancy sound like lovely people they really do what the heck that was wonderful okay so anyway there you go for once i had a redemption that actually made us feel good yeah that was actually a really good one maybe we we should have ended with that one. Not that mine's bad. I've just... It's just more animals burrowing.

No, no, no. I have one that it is a five-star review of Max Apples. And I'll tell you why I chose it afterwards. Okay. This is by Christy, five stars. I would make one major suggestion for improvement. Please consider roping off a section by the front for folks with mobility challenges, or maybe carts to help people get to the back part.

Otherwise, it is better to arrive early. On the plus side, the staff was excellent in finding areas we could reach to pick apples. We had a nice time. The apple cider donuts were so tasty. End of review. Oh. I really like that they gave constructive criticism, leaving five stars. Yeah.

Because I feel like that's a good way to get noticed and get your concerns taken seriously. That's a good point. Not that this shouldn't be taken seriously if it had a one star on it. I'm just saying a lot of people will have valid criticism criticism but will throw it in the middle of a really like scathing review so i like that they were brought out the positives gave a five star and offered some suggestions for improvement i like that too because i feel like people are more likely to listen when you're being gentle and kind yeah not to tell anyone how to leave reviews but no yeah we we we've been basically

telling you how to leave reviews for the past 90 some episodes so that's our job that no one hired us for no one no one asked us to be experts but we're calling ourselves experts anyway but we took the mantle upon ourselves and here we are you're welcome world yeah by the way you're welcome is that is it review or uh challenge time it is challenge time okay well i have this challenge it was sent in by jacob and um it is to find reviews where someone complains about the experience because they were on drugs yeah so this is very difficult um really oh yeah it was really hard because every time i typed in anything about like being high or being stoned or being on drugs, it was like the cashier was definitely on drugs. Like it was just accusing

everyone else of being on drugs. Yeah, I hate those reviews. I didn't think of that. And there were a lot that well, there were a few that were like I was on drugs, but they were positive. They were like I was on ecstasy and had a great time. So it wasn't like complaining. So I have a couple though this first one is of a place called light bite in lubbock texas and it's a one-star review by james god couldn't save the falafel from this place worst falafel i've ever had i was high so it was kind of my fault for not paying attention they were just sitting there on the countertop for god knows how long the only reason i give two stars is because the selection of Mediterranean products are good

quality, but the food made me gag. The falafel was an old dry sponge filled with grease. The grape leaves with rice were so old. A dark brown slash gray slime around one end because they're old AF. I feel bad for this review but this makes mediterranean food seem gross overpriced and nasty they need to learn how to throw old food away and make fresh food it isn't complicated end of review i feel like they said i didn't pay attention and then they like went into like explicit detail right they literally said the words it's my fault right yeah they said um i was high so it was kind of my fault for not paying attention which i was like you paid very close attention and then they listed every single thing about every little thing how

old everything was yeah and i was confused so when they said it was on the counter i'm like i'm imagining this person got high forgot that they left the falafel they brought home on the counter. Then the next day ate it and was like, what the heck? This is nasty. But I guess they meant the counter of the place they bought it. I think it was of the restaurant. That makes more sense for a negative review. But still, like, they blamed themselves and yet didn't at all.

And then didn't. Right. So this is a review of pat's king of steaks in philadelphia so it's like a philly cheesesteak place but the no not just any it's the king oh sorry yes shit um it's pat's king though so is it our king or is it just pat's king wait oh i didn't even okay pat i figured it was like that's a fair point yeah um it's the ruling he only rules over pat and pat makes up the entire kingdom that's a really sad kingdom i don't want to visit it well you probably won't want to after this either this is a once review by amelia

to be fair i was stoned when i ordered from the window at Pat's last night. That being said, two staff members yelled at me for asking where I order fries when it's not busy. Where do I order fries? Like, you're just like at the- I don't know. It just sounds funny to me. I would ask for sure

and I'd be so like- I would ask while sober. Like, I'm just- I'd be too nervous actually to ask something sober like I'm just I'd be too nervous actually to ask something like that I just wouldn't get fries that being said two staff members yelled at me for asking where I order fries when it's not busy it's just confusing why you have to order at two different windows the old lady at the counter legit screamed at me when I asked and the guy at the fry counter also threw a fit when I was so confused. Everyone who works here are assholes and their food is trash.

I went for hot dogs would never waste my money on a steak. They randomly tow people and pretty sure they used to have a sign that stated, if you don't speak English, we refuse to serve you. Very nice. Go anywhere else. Can't believe this place still has a following. End of review. Well, that took a turn.

So I looked into this because I didn't want to besmirch the good name of Pat because he's the only one in his kingdom. No, of Pat's king. Christina, you don't understand. Oh, frick. Well, Pat's king is representative of the kingdom. And so I didn't want to besmirch Pat's king and thereby besmirch the kingdom. Because maybe pat is not happy being in the kingdom either and like you know he's voting he's voting him out this year unfortunately christina that's not how monarchies work but yeah you're right you're right so it's

basically he either has to throw a coup d'etat is the word i learned in ap euro or he has to just live with it yeah it's true it's too bad he doesn't speak english so he really good good announcement oh no no there was actually a place called geno's that apparently did have a huge scandal because they said uh america is for english speakers and it was like this so it wasn't even this place like she said that and it wasn't even this place um because then i read a lot of people saying like i only go here now because of chino's like policy or scandal that's shitty amelia what the heck and also if you knew that before you went here that doesn't make you look good either i know i was thinking the same thing oh yeah this place was really problematic but it wasn't until yeah they got mad at me for not knowing how to order fries that i stopped going

like they say not knowing how to order fries because that's like pretty much what it boils down to is like where do i order them and then she went to the fry counter and was still confused so the guy yelled i mean if three people threw a fit, something, there's like a common denominator and it might be Amelia. Yeah, especially when you're high there and something. Yeah, I feel like you're holding something up there. But that reminds me of Britta's line from Community when she says, I can excuse racism racism but i draw the line on animal cruelty or whatever um where it's like yeah i can excuse all these other things but the moment you're mad at me about fries i'm i'm done with you the moment i can't order my hot dog in the middle of the

night the second i turn on you and your racist policies yeah yeah not a good look but yeah it's shitty that um amelia besmirched i like that word thank you thank you introducing that word to our show um besmirched the good name well i don't know about pat's king necessarily but like she's besmirching the mediocre name of pat's king that's it that's it okay so now the rest that i have are um they're a couple here but they're from amazon because i ended up just searching amazon for like i bought this when i was stoned because i figured even though it's not the experience sort of that they're complaining about they're still complaining about their purchase i don't know i figured it kind of counted so this is a review of uh sorry we're stoned poster so it's like sorry we're closed but the word closed says stoned god amazon has everything oh no

oh jeff shut it down jeff. Jeff, what have you done? Okay, this is a five-star review by Lars. Came here to leave a bad review because I thought I had ordered a flag version of this, only to realize I had actually ordered a poster. To be fair, I was stoned when I ordered it, and I'm stoned as I write this review. LMAO. Dope poster, decent size, that's all I got. Sorry, we're stoned end of review oh no

oh no indeed wait how many stars five oh good oh sorry i don't know you might have mentioned that i just wasn't sure no i think i said it but i didn't really because he said came here to leave a bad review yeah i kept it that is that would i see why this would be a challenge because i feel like when you're stoned your your thinking isn't like i'm gonna leave a negative review yeah so like the people those negative reviews were people who once they sobered up were like i'm gonna leave a negative review yeah um but yeah when you're actually stoned like this good person is um you're not your thinking isn't a good person i'm gonna i'm gonna trash a business it's gonna be like i'm gonna be goofy on the internet i would never want to trash the good

name of jeff bezos bezos bezos bezos bezos i don't even know how to say his name i i i certainly would love to trash the name of jeff bezos but we'll just smoke a joint i don't know how drugs work but you know this seems to be um because i have some negatives here now okay this is a review of something called hydro growth pop router replacement plugs do you know what that is uh hair plugs no i'm just kidding pop router replacement plugs for like a bathtub no it's for plant starter like planting plants plant starters planting plants i know i don't know much about that so i'll take your word for it this is the uh the this is a different product but it this kind of the idea that this review

is based on general hydroponics rapid for some reason when i put this in here i thought this line would explain what it is because i wrote what it is and then i wrote general hydroponics rapid rooter plant starters so they're basically like those little you know those little plant little buckets i don't know how their soil plugs like little yeah yeah and they have like little uh white dots in it yeah agriculture is not my strong suit like little white dots in it. Yeah. Agriculture is not my strong suit. You put a seed in it. Yes, exactly. And so I don't know if this person is like planting weed.

Yeah, I'm not sure. Or if they're planting like flowers or like doing a science experiment for third grade. But this is the review. One star by Kyle. I was stoned when I ordered these and thought they were rapid rooters. Like they weren't banking on that anyways, right? Anyways, I had six rapid rooters left and I decided to use six of these and see what the differences would be. Upon taking them out of the package, I realized I screwed up. These crumble apart

when you squeeze them. They also don't have a pre-made hole. Not a huge deal. Made a hole and I was careful with them. Took my cut straight to water. Final cut underwater into clone straight into the pre-wet router. Okay, this is giving. This one was officially over my head. Let me tell you, I'm not joking when I had a 50% rooting success rate. I have never ever had less than 99% with my method. And can you guess which 50% didn't root?

Yeah, every single one in these rooters died, and every single one in the rapid rooters is showing roots within five days. The only thing this company has going for it is that they know how to copy the other brand's logo enough for stoners to accidentally order. The rest will not even be used probably straight into trash. So it must be for growing weed. Not necessarily. I don't know. Well, he says like it's for stoners to order it by accident. Well, no. Maybe he just takes it very personally and actually thinks that these people are like-

Are out to get stoners. Out to get stoners. And that's their whole, their grand marketing scheme. How easily can we confuse people on drugs? Well, what's- Okay, I'm going to say this is someone who doesn't know shit. But he's like, oh, this had 99% success rate with these things that I purchased. I tried to use the same thing for these other things, and it didn't work.

So therefore, it's a product. But like, I don't know. Like, I just seem I don't know, maybe they're they should his special process should work for these new things. But how? But it's different. No, because I looked them up, and apparently they... So I looked up the RapidRooters,

and they really do have a very similar logo. These Hydro Growth ones kind of copied the logo. I'm not going to lie. And also are like the kind of cheapo brand and had terrible reviews. Like everyone said, they didn't work very well so i think there is some truth to it i stand corrected i wanted to besmirch the the good name of the stoner i know so i feel i like i think he has a point because it seems like nobody had

success with them okay um or at least not many people but i know I wouldn't, but. Well, you never know. I was thinking of growing some asparagus trees. Yeah? Yeah. I have a picture of them if you want to see what they look like. I'm never going to forget that image. It's like seared into my brain. I'm still looking at it.

It's right there in front of me on the computer. Why is it so disturbing? I don't know. Oh, there it is. There's something about it. I don't know. It's just something like little fingers growing out of the ground. And the thing is, I did work on a farm for a while.

Do you remember that? Yeah. You've brought it up many, many times. I have? On the show? Yeah, because you try to get to your voter base in the- Nebraska. Yes, sure.

You're trying to like the good, hardworking people of Nebraska. You're trying to really, really- hardworking people of Nebraska. You're trying to really, really win their vote. Well, I did work on a farm, but we didn't grow asparagus there. They just grew pot. No, we just had rapid. And by farm, I mean it was like a little greenhouse and there were a lot of rapid rooters. I got fired because I bought hydroponic robo routers or whatever the fuck they're called hydroponic robo routers i'd buy that yeah i'm gonna take the roto router uh logo and just tweak

it so that when um donors need plumbing work they're just i'm sorry oh genius so genius oh boy okay so dumb all right i have one more okay um and then i actually have a redemption so this is one more negative one this is a review uh on Amazon of Gotham Steel 2980 Maker Toaster and Electric Panini Grill with Ultra Nonstick Copper Surface Mix Sandwich in Minutes with Virtually No Cleanup Single Brown. And this is a once-review by Kayla. I bought this late at night when I was stoned. Received in the mail, attempted to make a grilled cheese, came out tasting like how my hair smells when I straighten it with my ceramic straightener. End of review. What? Wait, they could have looked past the fact

that it smelled like burnt hair. That's what I was thinking. If it were bigger? If it were not so small. It's like, because they said it was only half the grilled cheese got grilled. So if the whole thing had gotten grilled and tasted like hair,

then she could have overlooked it. But since only half of it did, it's just not good enough. This thing only fits half of a slice of bread worth of grilled are you serious it didn't have great reviews so i don't know um the details on it did they use it while stone too i guess they didn't admit to that but they didn't admit to that but um you never know i mean it uh it reminds me of that time we read that review about dollar stores and it was like hot buns or whatever. And we kept thinking it was about like hot dog buns, but it was like a hair tool. So maybe that's what's happening here.

Maybe it is a straightener. Maybe. Try putting your hair in it. That's my official recommendation for you. You know what? If it burned all my hair off, I wouldn't be complaining, but it only burned half of it off and it's just not really committed you know it's a committal that's what i'm looking for you're looking for a full burn got it full burn uh what was it again asparagus fully loaded what was it called fully stocked no i don't know something something like that it was

good though and by good, I mean terrible. I promise I don't have COVID. I went and got a test. Okay. Well, it's not like we're sitting next to each other. I know, I know. I don't give a shit. I'm just afraid anyone's gonna be like, holy shit. I think I also might even just... Why? Are you planning on leaving your nose blowing into this episode?

That's what editing's for. I don't mean like everyone that's listening. I mean like people that's listening i mean like people when i talk to them like you or like mom okay it's the only people i talk to because y'all she keeps stopping to blow her nose and it's nasty sounding so i'm like expecting her to edit that out of course which we would normally do but then she's like oh i hope no one's worried about me it's like well no one's gonna hear that i hope i'm not hoping no one's worried about me. It's like, well, no one's going to hear that, I hope. I'm not hoping no one's worried about me. I'm hoping nobody's like, what a dumbass she has COVID.

I don't have COVID. I got a test and it was negative. And Blaze got a test and it was negative. You heard it here first, folks. If you get COVID, you're a dumbass or whatever. No, I just don't want people to think that I, because I went to LA last month. Keep digging your hole. I don't know. Listen, I'm just't want people to think that I, because I went to LA last month. Keep digging your hole. I don't know.

Listen, I'm just really nervous about criticism. Okay, that's fair. Me too. And also, I don't want anyone to be scared of being around me, even though I don't really talk to anyone or see anyone. And I think it also might just be allergies. So, who knows? I'm not putting the nose blowing in here, Zany.

Thank goodness. That's all I care about. Good to know um so this is the redemption this is uh a review of something called lacho drome on dvd and i'm gonna read you what this is okay good i was like just something like your eyes were dead you just kind of stared blankly. Because that meant literally nothing to me. To me, those weren't real words. But there wasn't even like a curious gleam in your eyes? You just kind of like just shut down. I assumed it was a different language, so my brain shut off because I don't care about other languages.

Must speak English to order French fries at the window. At your kingdom. order french fries at the window at your kingdom lacho drome parentheses safe journey is a 1993 french film directed and written by tony gatliff probably not pronounced tony gatliff since he's french but that's besides the point the movie is about the romani people's journey from northwest india to spain consisting primarily of music the film was screened in the uncertain regard section at the 1993 can film festival what how did you i can find this okay okay i know you search for specific keywords involving being high but i'm imagining you just like going through random products and you see this you're like this is something I was going through my Amazon shopping cart.

Oh, my God. I wanted my panini maker. You're like, is Jude Law in this? He is, though. Oh, of course. Isn't that cool? Okay. Yep.

Five stars by Amazon customer. When I first saw this video, I could not believe it. It is not even it. It is... It's not even funny, I'm sorry. I know, but I'm laughing too. It is truly beautiful, the music captivating and soulful. Although I was stoned out of my mind, parentheses, high as a kite,

I really knew... We need one more. Stone out of my mind, high as a kite. You need to include one more description. Rug and a bug. We need one more. So one of mine, you need to include one more description. Rug and a bug. I don't know. No? Okay. I really knew this was greatness.

I'm not going to let you go by rug and a bug that quickly. I'm going to be the world's worst parent. I'm going to be like, I know what you kids are talking about these days. You know, rolling rugs, putting bugs in your rugs and rolling them up. The bees are burrowing under all the grass. Wink, wink, wink. I know what you do in those aisles at the cemetery. Okay.

I really knew this was greatness and went out to pursue the soundtrack. It is one of my favorites to this day. I'm patiently waiting for the DVD release because let's face it, video cassettes blow. Cassette. Wow.

Is that really how you spell cassette? Weird. I love this person so much cassette wow is that how you really spell cassette weird end of review yes that's the redemption anyway oh my god i love this person i cannot believe it i just can't cassette oh i think i've had that same exact thought about that specific word before it is a wild word oh my god there's a lot of letters in it and amazon reviewer yeah and amazon customer i know it's a beautiful match made in heaven really

it is it is holy shit okay that was wonderful i love that oh good so i figure you know most people complain about things they do when they're stoned but this person was like i did the right thing yep yep for once for once in their life they picked a good dvd slash video cassette yeah so that's all i got for you well that was uh that was wonderful thank you oh no worries thank you for the lovely challenge i had a great time and well thank you to jacob like start to the j oh no don't hate me jacob i didn't write it i didn't write it down okay so we've been talking a lot about it um so you should know already but our 100th episode is coming out soon and it's going to be coming out around halloween time so instead of doing a

specific halloween episode we're going to do some spooky stuff in october leading up to it starting next week so that who was that i don't know it wasn't me oh weird um so our theme for next week is cemeteries in louisiana that's a very good and very spooky very spooky just the spookiest what do you have for us oh i guess for me so ashley sent a halloween challenge idea and um she says hi fam that's teen slang i think i don't know i'm 34 um so ashley says how about a review where a person has a paranormal experience in a place not marketed as haunted oh that's good right yeah it is good that's really good yeah and then she says love y'all from kentucky ashley i'm really hoping i can do this justice i know this is a big one this is a big one this is i feel like

there's pressure here i i feel pressure in a good way though this is a very um and that's why you drink themed episode i feel like and thankfully like i've got a full week i'm gonna get into it and i'm gonna actually try for this one you're gonna actually try i came out wrong i swear i came out wrong no but i'm gonna i promise i'm gonna do my best uh-huh so thanks everybody for listening i'm glad you learned something today about agriculture yes next week i'm sure you'll learn much more. You know what? I don't know if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't know. I don't know what level we're at in terms of education. End of review. End of review. Okay. Bye, everybody. See you next week. Bye.