Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 12

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horses and put down your pizza rolls, because something is rotten in the State of Yelp... Enjoy! Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to our germ-free zone. Nope, not anymore. I swear to God, I'm the only person currently that I know who is not deathly ill. That's slight exaggeration.

And I'm trying not to breathe, so this might be a tough episode. And I'm trying to breathe extra, so this might be a tough episode. No, I'm trying to breathe extra. Like, extra breaths to get her sick. I'm gonna have to Lysol that microphone before Emma gets here. Oh, I licked it. You just said you're breathing extra hard into the microphone. Okay, welcome everybody to Between You and Us. This is a a beach to sandy special that we do every single month where we read the reviews that you send in from people that you find on the internet

accurate and you send it to our email beach to sandy at gmail.com with the subject between you and us and uh it's super extra fun because sometimes there's like context for them that you guys give us like your workplace or someone you know or et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, we've had some good ones like that. Or you compliment us. Yes, those are our favorites. Those are our favorites. Anyway, so who wants to go first?

I think we both have the same amount. Think so, too. I'll go first since we just did the other one. Okay. So this first one is from Rebecca. I don't know why I said it like that. Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca.

Rebecca says, a year ago I was tasked with finding a carpet cleaning service for our office in San Diego. I remembered finding an updated review about a manager who tracked down the reviewer from his original negative review and harassed him at his home to take it down. Oh, man. And there was a picture of the police

report and everything so it was like legit uh rebecca says they couldn't find it again um but says if you find it please read it so out there if you're listening somebody find it for us i'm looking this is a review of a carpet cleaner called eco dry carpet. I do love that at work, she's tasked with looking up businesses, and while she's doing that, she's reading the one-star reviews and stuff. Guys, multitask. Yeah, seriously.

Just make it a part of your daily routine. For our benefit. It's great. Okay. So this is for Eco Dry Carpet Care. Randy gave it one star. I called to have the recliner chair in my mom's house cleaned. When I mentioned she had a cat in the past,

the guy suggested I discard the chair and buy another one. WTF? Spend $3,500 for a new chair because you don't want to clean one that might have some dead bugs? He just blew me off like snot from his nose my brother suggested this small company as he had his carpets cleaned many times by then something has changed over there are you assholes listening and reading maybe you don't care anymore what i like how he's maybe he's typing like he thinks he's on a.m and waiting for a response oh yeah are you even there hello you're way messaged us up your gavin de grau lyrics keep going where did the bugs come in is that a thing no with the cat like maybe it was like a very lousy cat oh oh that what i don't know but it says i mentioned that they have a cat and i feel like

there's something there's got to be something missing. There's no way he's like, oh, she had a cat. You know, happened to have a cat. Oh, throw it out. To say a few dead bugs means like, what the fuck is wrong with this chair? Also, there's no way that chair has the value of $3,500. There's no fucking way. Anyway, I will say that there was a response from um

robert t business owner yes randy a we listen i'm very sorry randy i wonder how quickly they answered if it was like a chat it does have the date oh well three weeks took them three weeks to answer yep that's's a long time on hold on AIM. God, do you even care anymore? Anyway. Yes, Randy A., we listen. I'm very sorry we weren't the upholstery cleaner for you. I hope you took our recommendation to heart.

There is a standard in our industry that we cannot clean infested upholstery. Perhaps I misunderstood your description over the phone. End of review. Oh my god. Well, now he's probably reading it going it's worse. That's his way of saying, like, you told me it was infested, but I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and let- For all your Yelp followers. Not embarrass you to the

internet. To the millions of Yelp followers. Oh, he has one friend, Randy. Uh-oh. That's his mom. His mom. Yeah. And her cat. Her yeah and her cat her lousy cat lousy cat ew the whole thing is just nasty anyway there were a couple more but that one was my favorite so thank you so much rebecca thanks rebecca okay this next person okay they didn't leave their name but their email has this in it jay chevreer what sounds like the cheese yeah don't do it don't do it no it's gonna don't like goat in french i think it's like chevre oh that's probably why i'm thinking that

yes it's spelled differently anyway i believe so anyway this is a red box review of the movie hustlers one star by by Moon888. Is this a Redbox review? I didn't even know that was a thing. That's what's so beautiful about these episodes. I forgot Redbox even existed. I love Jennifer Lopez, but who is Constance Wu? And why her name is on top of Jennifer?

What a joke! End of review. What? Do you think that was J-Lo herself? Maybe. It must be. I don't understand. There's no other way anyone would take the time to go on.

First of all, find out that Redbox has reviews. First of all, use Redbox. First of all, use Redbox. Second of all. Second of all, use Redbox reviews. Yeah. Third of all, write this ridiculous review. This is like the time that person wrote a review

of like the frozen dinners oh my god how sad they were that the pasta had changed this is really wild and also i who gets offended on behalf of jennifer lopez like that's ridiculous when you put it that way it makes a little more sense but i love constance woo leave her alone like it is ridiculous to be like oh my god poor jennifer like what the heck get this right as if what she's still jenny from the block don't worry about it i was trying to think i was like what jennifer lopez reference can i make i think moon 888 wants to win win jennifer lopez's heart or something i think it's working an attempt i think it's working well we've spread the review a little farther into the

universe so it's like uh seven degrees of uh kevin bacon jennifer lopez oh yes i just understood that that it rhymes what seven degrees of separation seven degrees of kevin bacon i never understood that that's why it's supposed to i think that's why they i assume that's why it's kevin bacon because he's in so many things oh it does rhyme though sort of nope i don't think that's how rhyming works bacon and asian yeah nope you find me someone that rhymes with asian and then you tell me haitian someone who is haitian seven degrees of someone that rhymes with Haitian and then you tell me. Haitian. Someone who is Haitian. Rihanna. Seven degrees of someone who's Haitian.

Rihanna. She's not Haitian, is she? Yes, she is. I thought she's from Barbados. I thought she's Haitian. She's Barbadian. Almost Haitian. It rhymes.

I knew it. It rhymes with Haitian. I know my Riri. Come on. Barbadian. Don't test me. That was a test. I'm proud of that one.

Usually I say stupid things. No, usually not. Usually I say stupid things. Let's be real. Well, usually I believe them. This time I didn't. Guys, spoiler alert. This one, you do.

So you do tend to believe me. So does Em. I don't know why everyone believes me. I'm usually wrong. Well, because you have that weird confidence about you or you're just like you just spout it out like it's nothing and then i'm just like oh i better catch up because and i think the thing is that people respond like oh okay oh yeah like they believe me so i'm like oh i must be right oh no it's we're only in like reinforcing her guys we gotta stop everyone whenever she says anything just call

her out to be fair getting a podcast really knocks you down a few pegs as far as uh anything you say ever being correct today someone tweeted at us or commented on facebook or instagram about uh how i pronounced eau claire wisconsin i know it was and that was weeks ago i'm never gonna live that down it's like my whale sounds from it. And that's why I drink. They, they never, they don't die.

I'm still waiting for that one person to listen to it. And it's like, Oh, that's actually how I pronounce it. And they're probably like 90 years old. So they don't listen to this show. You want me to call Randy? Yeah,

please. Okay. So this is, um, from Jackie and, uh, the greeting is dear beach to Zandy. That's me, which. Okay. So this is from Jackie. And the greeting is, Dear Beach to Zandy. That's me. Which I love.

And Renee actually said that a long time ago. And I don't want her to feel like I'm not giving her credit also. But I think that's very fun. That's my spinoff show. Beach to Zandy. It's behind the scenes. It's like the Rose. What's the Rose one where they talk about the Bachelor?

Behind the Rose. I don't think that's right. I don't know. Between two Roses. I'm doing Bachelor Fantasy this year. I love Bachelor Fantasy. It's my first year. I'm excited.

It's fun. Okay, I'm so sorry, everybody. Dear Beach to Zandy, what if there's a bunch of Jackies who are like, is this my email? Fucking tell me if this is my email. I just moved to the west side of Indy and was looking for a Chinese place to eat. Saw this and needed to share with the Schieffer sisters. That's funny.

Listen, a lot of people in this world get misgendered. So might as well happen to a straight white male once in a while. It's happened to me in the past. In your pinks? Maybe that's a deep cut. a straight white male once in a while it's happened to me but in the past so in your in your pinks maybe that's a deep cut mom mom was like i don't think that ever happened but because she doesn't have a single picture because we were in with dad i know but like she doesn't remember that happening so then i started to doubt it and then i'm like i need a picture i still can't find her just listen to me i'll say it really loud and then you'll believe me. No, I've seen pictures of this.

No, that one, I remember it happening. I vividly remember it. I'm raising my hand. Dad has a picture. He does? Yes. Okay, I need that picture. Like in his house on a bulletin board or somewhere.

Okay, I'm breaking in. He's out of the country until March. He lives at 7300 Wisteria Lane. i couldn't come up with a fake name so between two roses he lives okay i'm so sorry this is the bachelor mansion but he's out of town while i film freaking chaos um okay anyway saw this and needed to share with the sheifer sisters beware and i don't have my sister doesn't have the same name as me. God damn it, Jackie. So this is the first time I get like a she or sister. I've always wanted a little sister. That's bad.

Trish is having, beware, Trish is having some sensory issues. Send help. You guys are amazing. Jackie, she, her. Okay. Well, Jackie seems to be really confident in her own pronouns. I'm sorry. Okay. uh okay let me read you can be done with this we don't need to hear the review that was funny entertainment enough for us yeah uh two stars

local guide something has happened. My food is nasty. The general sow chicken is dark. The spring rolls are barely filled and I keep smelling a horse. Oh my gosh. Stop doing it. Brain tumor.

Oh God. Because that happens. You get sent. Like you smell almonds? Your olifac. That's cyanide. Cyanide. I say with such confidence no i actually do know

that one i've had a great experience before not this time i will not be back end of review maybe it's just a cry for help like that had nothing to do with the restaurant i just keep smelling horses oh god it's like it's some weird like a hunt to find them they're kidnapped and part of their thing they only have access to Yelp. I keep smelling. Oh, they're in a barn. She's trapped in a barn. Oh, my God. Oh, Trish.

Oh, God. Somebody send help. Are you okay? I'm hurting. Real bad. So is Trish. This isn't about you. Okay.

I keep smelling a horse. Yes. I'm trying to throw everyone off the scent. Jackie is right. The horse scent. Trish is having sensory issues. Anyway, your turn. That's so bizarre throw everyone off the scent. Jackie is right. The horse scent. Trish is having sensory issues. Anyway, your turn. That's so bizarre.

That's the weirdest. I read it three times because I was like, this doesn't seem that strange. And then I looked at it closely. Anyway. Okay. So my next one is from Destiny and Sal. From what? Destiny and Sal.

Oh, wow. I thought that was one long name. No. Destiny wrote the majority of the email um sal was not involved in that but sal signed it so oh well sal thanks for all your effort my husband and i love listening to your podcast we have a lot of fun with it you two do a great job uh decided to follow our lead and read a few reviews blah blah blah hope you enjoy this so here is a review a one-star review of el bracero b-r-a-c-e-r-o sure by courtney one star el bracero must stand for disgusting worst mexican food ever one star since you can't give negative stars everyone told me and my husband how good this place was.

Oh, they have great margaritas. Oh, the food is so traditional. Best Mexican food in Clarksville. Those bastards are no longer our friends. This place is horrible. Worst Mexican food. Salsa tastes like watered down ketchup from a jar. Their margaritas are like

melted snow cones. Even with the extra shot I got on top. The fajita meat wasn't terrible. But the tortillas definitely came from a bag. You can't be a Mexican place and have bagged tortillas. Don't come to this place. If you want real Mexican

food that is actually delicious, head on over to La Laguna on Fort Campbell Boulevard. No, no, you're kidding. Boo, you whore, El Bracero. End of review. Whoa. Whoa and a half. Quite.

I had a lot of things to say, and I'm sure the audience was very thrilled that I kept them to myself. I just kept trudging, because I was just like, I was feeling that energy feeling that energy you were definitely what's her name uh courtney you really played her well thanks um i like that it says it must stand for something i know it's like as an initialism i learned that from you see that's not how foreign words work. They don't like stand for things. They mean things. They mean things. They have like. Yeah. Also, I bet you.

First of all, when you said the what the margaritas taste. I'm sorry. The salsa tastes like watered down ketchup. I thought you were talking about the margaritas. And I was like, that is the most repulsive thing I've ever heard. First of all. It's a good description for Bloody Mary, though. Actually, that's kind of exactly right.

That's exactly what that is. Also, I bet, I'm sorry to break it to you, Courtney. I'm pretty sure those people like fully knew that you would stop talking to them if they sent you the wrong direction. Because it seems like a little off your rocker. I mean, it was so up and down. It's like all of a sudden, like we're talking about how good the fajita meat. And then she's calling the restaurant a whore? Like, what?

That's from Mean Girls. Oh. Boo, you whore. Oh, sorry. I'm dumb. Well, no. I mean. That's something that I missed.

Thank you for that. You're welcome. You're so welcome for that. For me, I was like, oh, that came out of nowhere and was really aggressive. To be fair, it came out of nowhere and was really aggressive. To be fair, it came out of nowhere and was really aggressive. There's no reason to call a restaurant that. You're really defensive for her. I don't know why.

You're trying to defend her reasoning. I don't want to talk about it. Did you write something similar to that? No. Okay. That was a rough one. I like that they specified the good Mexican restaurant. Yes, of course.

That they most definitely do not own Mexican restaurant. Yes, of course. That they most definitely do not own or manage. No way. Okay. Let's see. Who's next? Oh, my. Yes, this one.

This was sent in by Sarah. Sarah B. This subject is novel, not sausages. That got my attention. Well, between you and us, novel, not sausages. The sub-sub that got my attention well it's between us novel not sausages the sub sub subject got my attention so this is a screenshot and it looks like a tweet from um a man named marco cluse and he writes don't fret about your amazon reviews i just got a three-star review because my novel isn't a 36 count package of Jimmy Dean sausages. And then Marco screenshotted the review. So I will say the ones above it,

Marco was being a little sneaky. The two subjects above it are both five-star and one says one of the best military sci-fi I've ever read. The other one says excellent from start to finish. Blah, blah, blah. Get to the good stuff, Marco. Yeah, we don't care about that, Marco. God damn. All right. So this is a three-star review by D. Molina.

Jimmy Dean not int shop ink carp? Now, I believe. Okay. Translate. What does that stand for? What was it? Worst Mexican food ever. I believe this is a voice to text because I believe it's trying to say not in shopping cart, but it says not in shop ink carp.

Yes. So I believe this person is just yelling into their phone and Siri is not enjoying it. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. It says, I believe it says Ginny Dean. Oh. I just wanted to confirm. Oh, it does.

It says Ginny Dean. Ginny Dean. Okay. Sorry. This is a three-star review of the Kindle e-edition of this novel. Hello. Why can't I get the 36-pack of Ginny Dean sausages anymore from the Amazon? Oh my God.

This website is so broken. Why isn't any help? Hello. End of review. Old people are so... Just... I don't know how to describe them. It's just hello and then they accidentally put an

upside down question mark because they were hitting it so many times oh my god when they act when they act out like this it's like what do you what do you do with them what do you do with them i know um the sausages is spelled s-a-u-c-e sausages wow this is amazon this is the most questionable review like oh my god i don't think marco made this one can you imagine if mark being marco and getting on your email like oh another hold on and three stars by the way because uh i think d d molina really thinks someone is still he's holding out hope yeah that someone will help him with those knocks off a star every month also i love how just so committed he is to buying his jenny dean sausages from amazon of all places

convenience and also how did you find this novel and think that that was yeah how did they get there that's a good question maybe they read it very good question maybe they read it and true just thought maybe this is the time i'm craving some sausages but they're not here where are they hello maybe marco can help me he's a great writer marco maybe he can write a better review than i just wrote i hear he writes some of the best sci-fi ever wow military sci-fi well thanks sarah and marco thank you guys this next one's from carissa who was looking at mcdonald's reviews and um this is a bit of a um positive one is that written in the email no oh you're really just and then i just said this one is a positive one here this review so they were looking okay sorry

hold on um still sick carissa you're not gonna be able to use you're not gonna be able to use an excuse for much longer i freaking hope not i hope not this next one is from carissa um who says hello she for sibs i was recently looking at mcdonald's reviews in the town my husband and i recently moved to after having a crappy experience in the drive-thru oh then carissa says it seems that james really enjoys one of the other locations in town. So here we go. Okay. James has this four star review. Oh. Good fast food. I know some of the employees. Friendly. Glory, glory, glory, hallelujah.

Jesus said you must be born again to enter the kingdom of God. Are you born again? Jesus loves you so much. Heart emoji. End of review. Oh my god, what a fucking clickbaiter. What a sneaky bastard. The one thing, only one thing that bothers me about this review is that it's only four stars.

That's the only thing that bothers you. What? Where did the fifth star go? He just knows. It's a north star. He knows some of it. It's following the north star to jesus is that where the jesus was yeah the the shepherds and the or the wise men followed the north star

writing a new sci-fi novel yeah uh calling it b-blay what does that stand for it stands for bible i know oh i'm trying to make a stupid initial joke. This is not going very well for us. I'm so sorry, everybody. When you said glory, glory, I tried so hard to just keep my freaking mouth closed. I could not. I thought it was going to be a fun joke. Like, just like glory, glory, hallelujah. Our McDonald's are finally good.

I know, but it just kept going. It kept going. He's deep into this stuff yeah into this whole jesus thing this is another cry for help oh i smell horses oh anyway oh that was wow what's going on i don't know but um because so i'm gonna say this for you because i don't care about this at all but carissa says um that they met patrick stump no she's making her husband go with her to see and that's why we drink live in indianapolis in april do you know if her husband listens to this to this show um god yes so no she said at the end thanks for being a great non-murder podcast that my husband is willing to listen

to when we're in the car so maybe i'll just uh well i'll be there you can like that right husband's name is james actually and he's known for uh reviewing mcdonald's very religious guy i hear he has a couple he has a q a he wants to bring up at the end of the show bring him on stage oh my gosh no i hope you have fun wait which show was it uh indian. That one sold out. I'm excited. Mom's going to that one. Why? I don't know.

Is she also going to Cincinnati? Yeah. Oh, cool. Okay, that makes sense. I was like, she's like. You got really upset for a moment. Well, no, I was just like, that seems random. I would love to go to the indie show.

It'll be fun. I love Indianapolis. Oh, the indie show? Yeah. That's two people. I don't know if. I'm seeing a cool indie show. Carissa's in indie, but um i worked at an indy

label in indy all right now you're just showing off how much did you get paid i got paid in records one record a week but i got some cool signed records and stuff yeah remember that kishi bashi valentine's day signed record i have yeah uh i think we discussed this on our record store probably episode perhaps maybe i'll bring it up again because it was in indianapolis i know okay just making sure that you weren't that sick all right this next one is from rachel oh by the way see you soon carissa and james wait no it's not actually james oh fuck i was gonna start just calling him james i know okay sorry carissa and mr carissa yes okay uh rachel says hi she for sisters just kidding i wanted to

see if i'm you know i accept it whatever i'm used to it hi she for sibs first i have to give props do people still say that for the genius oh that is beach to sandy reading nonsense school reviews was a favorite procrastination strategy of mine in grad school, and now I can listen to Nonsense School Reviews as I avoid adult responsibilities. Why do you think we do it? Honestly, life has come full circle. Quick sidebar, I went to grad school in St. Louis, and reading reviews of The Gateway Arch is a gold mine.

So maybe that's the future. Good to know. Okay, so Rachel says, I'm writing because I stumbled upon a review while Christmas shopping that really had me like, what? The attached screenshot is a review of the brick terracotta pizza oven found at World Market. Okay.

It's shit like that. That we would never find. Never. So thank you, people like you, Rachel. Thank you for writing in with these random fucking reviews i love it this wouldn't even be like world markets in indianapolis exactly it would be like you'd have to go to a specific product if a brick ovens in the only thing would be some sort of challenge like find a review of a brick oven from world market that mentions whatever uh so this is uh submitted by jim from midwest

three stars subject is only for pizzas warning that while the pizzas it cooked were fine it is not good for drying socks it burns so many of my socks jim, you're doing it wrong. I think he's doing it very right. Why would you ever do? Oh, here we go. Length of ownership, one year. I do love the website reviews because they add so many details.

Length of ownership, one year. I own this product. Yes. Age, 45 to 54. Yep. Yep. Gender, male. Bottom line, yes,

I would recommend to a friend. I could have answered all of those for him. I knew it just from his review. Was this review helpful to you? 16 people say yes, 35 say no. Well, that's good. Good odds. That is well.

Okay, maybe World Market's a new place to troll for reviews because it seems like some logical people on there. That's interesting. Find it helpful to, okay. Well, okay, the 16 were even. worry i'm not gonna lie about that the 16 and then um i didn't want to spoil it but rachel then says here's to hoping jim cooked those pizzas prior to learning the oven doesn't double as a sock dryer thank you for the many laughs and writing along with me on my daily commute well thank you for the laughs rachel that was hilarious it was so wild i actually saved that one a while back um she sent it a while back like less than a month ago but when i first i read it like over a christmas break and immediately stole it from that's a good one you got it you snatched a good one yes um and so did i oh um it's actually a handful of reviews

so mickey wrote this hi guys i know how much you love these types. I found one review and I went down the quote PC baby and quote I'm a gun-toting American quote end quote hole. It makes more sense when I read it. I don't know if that makes sense. It makes sense.

Screw those lefty liberal left-wing losers. Lunatic left-wing whatever. Well here I've got a few. I'm going to just read a couple from this guy named Hank. Hank has a profile picture on Google, and it's like a little badge thing that says, actually it's really blurry on my phone,

but it said something like Second Amendment was the original Homeland Security or something. Oh, okay. So whatever. phone but it's like said something like second amendment was the original homeland security or something um okay so whatever so here's my musket my musket was the original homeland security okay go on here's his review of olive garden italian restaurant in branson missouri why the fuck did my guess what he was gonna review because i'm pretty sure i would have specifically as that in that city okay go ahead here's a one-star review all caps i don't patronize any place that finds the american flag offensive boycott all darden owned restaurants end of review i don't know what the story is there but you haven't heard no did olive garden burn a bunch of flags the The Italian flags?

And you thought it was American? It was a big misunderstanding. They were trying to dry them in their pizza oven. Sorry. I'm sorry. No, it's funny. We did already have an episode talking about burning flags, so I feel like we're not stepping on new territory here. No.

But yikes. Yikes, indeed. Yikeroo. I also like Olive Garden, really. That seems to be the most basic of like white american restaurants but whatever well here's his review of dolly parton stampede i forget we get more okay oh yeah hell yeah dolly parton stampede in branson missouri is that a song or an actual stampede yeah it's actually just a stampede that happens one time a year.

Dolly Parton impersonated? No, it's like a dinner theater thing. Oh, I see. I would not have guessed this. Okay. But here we go. One star. Another failure of the PCBS.

It was ridiculous to cave in to the liberals and get away from the very essence of what the show was about by doing away with references to the confederate south but now to drop the name dixie from the name dixie stampede bunch of morons both running this place as well as the ones who were triggered by the history of our country and are trying to whitewash or blackwash as the case may be any reference to the civil war and American history, will not be back, and I recommend you boycott these idiots as well. Long live the South! May she rise again!

Oh my god, who gave this person a computer? It's kind of fun that I get to read these. Yeah, you're having a... It's a little worrisome. It's fucking wild. And this person, like, talking about whitewashing what is he talking about the south lost like you losers the fucking confederate flag is a fucking white one because they surrendered they lost idiots white one yeah well it's a very white one um yeah uh i feel like

somebody has been triggered and it's him exactly like he like that when people like this i don't hesitate to say that so broadly but when people with these intentions write reviews and they're so distraught over one word being removed or one uh quote-unquote historical statue or whatever being taken down it's like the world has ended and then they're like you all are snowflakes it's like who the hell are you i don't know oh my god um and uh i don't like that he said blackwash no never say that i don't like that at all uh quick aside though i i am loving the dolly parton's america podcast what's that it's about dolly parton she's in it and everything she's interviewed you listen to some like, they're usually music based. Well, that one, yeah, this one, I read good things and I tried it out.

It is fascinating. Wow. And I don't listen to much Dolly Parton, but now I, they play some songs in there and I've been enjoying it a lot. Well, now I hear they got rid of Dixie. Fuck it. I don't want anything to do with it. Sounds like some lunatic.

Lunatic left wing loser. Thank you. Something like that. The quadruple L. I swear this is my to do with it. Sounds like some lunatic... Lunatic left-wing loser. Thank you. Something like that. The quadruple L. I swear this is my last one from Hank. This is of Chili's. In Branson, Missouri. Who'd have thought?

One star. Great fajitas. Not Second Amendment friendly. They prefer no guns, even for CCW holders, which is what? Concealed carry weapon holders? Warriors? Concealed carry warriors? I don't patronize any place where I'm not welcome, let alone safe.

No more business for me. I can get better fajitas for far less elsewhere from a local family-owned establishment. Pancho Villas on the strip across from Grand Village. They are also the best real Mexican food in town. Best fajitas at Pancho Villas, hands down. Did I mention that Pancho Villas is the best fajitas in town? Is he trying to alert ICE? Is he literally trying to alert ICE?

I'm like, what's happening here? Some weird code, potentially. This person is like, I hate all these very corporate restaurants that are traditionally pretty, I don't know, middle America, like, standards. But then the local Mexican place is the one he really likes. This is irony at its finest. Yeah, it makes no sense. He's going to whitewash all over that place.

Because they let him bring a gun in? Well, yeah, I was going to say, do you think that they really welcome him with his weapon? Probably not. Probably not. no sense he's gonna whitewash because they let him bring a gun in well yeah i was gonna say do you think that they really welcome him with his weapon probably not probably not god damn how triggered you have to be to like be like i can't bring my gun in here trigger i'm never going here how could i don't get it no i mean i guess that's huh? Yeah, it's probably a good thing. I don't get it. Anyway, your turn. Lord, I don't even know. All right. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you, though, Mickey. Yeah, no, thank you, Mickey. This one is from Caitlin or Caitlin, but I believe Caitlin. Hi, I'm an insanely huge fan of the show. This was sent in June and John. This was sent in June of 2019. Okay was sent in june uh of 2019 okay hopefully you're still listening caitlin hopefully we haven't offended you with our american flag talk

yet hi i'm an insanely huge fan of the show i found this little gem on buzzfeed thought it was right up your alley have an amazing day she for sibs i we gotta start using that people keep calling us that it's almost as if we're siblings almost more like sisters i'd say so this is a one-star review um it doesn't they've blacked out the sorry we're not using blackwash anymore they whitewashed they whitewashed the the title okay one star of this restaurant maggot in the food and how disgusting the place looks inside. I can't imagine the amount of bacteria hidden inside. End of review.

And then there's a response from the business manager. Oh, I will also say there's a picture. Of a maggot? It looks maybe like a maggot, yes. I'm just going to zoom in and show you because I don't know what the hell this is. Okay. It looks like feta cheese or popcorn. Okay, I don't know what it is.

Business manager says, Initially when I saw this review, I was very worried that there was a problem in the kitchen. I asked the head chef, the line cooks, the dishwasher, and the servers if they knew what dish this was. Nobody could figure out what it was. Oh, because it's a picture of the dish that we can't really see. The owner also tried to reach out to you with no luck. I looked at your previous Yelps to get an idea of who I was dealing with, and I saw a picture you posted of a burger with a one-star review of blank bar and grill in blank. I did a reverse image search and it turns out that it is a stock photo available all over the web

with a keyword search for rotten hamburger. Whoa. Something is rotten in the state of Yelp. So immediately nothing you say has any bearing anymore you need to find a hobby maybe get a cat something to occupy your time other than writing false and inflammatory yelp reviews of various local businesses trying to make a living end of response boom oh it looks like this was from reddit even though it says buzzfeed i don't know uh goes deeper yikerunis that's that's terrible so this person is literally searching maggot in food and rotten cheeseburger that's awful just posting reviews that's awful see now this would be a sneakier way for a person like what's our friend's name again not j not james we love james equally You know, my musket or whatever.

Hank. Hank. Lord. Okay. Hank would be a lot smarter if he did shit like this, like sneaky underhanded stuff. So it's not like waving around his Confederate flag. It's like, I'm just going to destroy these businesses brick by brick. Not to give anyone

any ideas don't fucking do that but you know it's like it's less laughable i mean once you find out it's pretty it's really really shitty oh it's terrible um but yeah on on the surface when you just read it they could turn a lot of people away from it you're right because at least hank had like his own fucking reason for writing he obviously has his agenda and people who are agree with him it's probably good that they avoid those places because yeah and those places are better off a free dinner i don't know because it says i don't get it i can't imagine the amount of bacteria in i don't know strange troll it's not even funny yeah okay well thank you, Caitlin, for finding that. That was just weird. Weird shit. All right, your turn. This one is from Sydney.

Oh, Sydney was also looking through their local McDonald's. Hey, don't we all? So this is a one-star review of a McDonald's by Pookie. Oh, hell yeah. One star. OMG. McDonald's by Pookie. Oh, hell yeah. One star. O-M-G. I never go to McDonald's, but after 30 years

I thought I'd try a Big Mac. I have vomited twice. Forget the special sauce. That thing was soaked in mayo to a sickening degree. The whole thing was disgusting. My fault for going to McDonald's, but my God, that was freakishly bad.

I have to fly in two days. I hope it's out of my system. Goodbye for another 30 years. Wait, forever. Gross. Yes, I should have just thrown it in the garbage, but I hate wasting food. And I was on a business call, eating what I was holding, but not chomping into the phone. And replace your fucking ink cartridge in your register.

I can't even read my receipt. End of review. What kind of fucking business call? She's eating McDonald's for the first time in 30 years. And it's like, I'm going to, I have a business call. Let me eat a Big Mac. Oh, it's so gross. But because I'm not chomping into the phone, I'm going to finish it.

And I'm also trying to read my receipt. oh yeah that was a new one i've never had i don't think we've ever had someone complain that the the receipt that wasn't clear enough for a moment i thought the ink cartridges had to do with a business call i know she was like don't worry i was replacing our ink cartridges i was very baffled because that really did take me on a lot of journeys yeah i agree poookie, you're... Pookie, god damn. Get it together, please. In 30 years, Pookie's going to be in a nursing home and be like, huh, I could really go for a good old mayonnaise burger.

Can't wait to read that review in 30 years, Pookie. Maybe Sydney can send it in for us. I love that they addressed every little point I was going to make. Like, why would you continue eating it? Oh, I was on a business call. Not that it makes any sense. But at least they gave their reasoning. They knew what we were going to say.

And then you're like, ew, why were you making gross food noises into your business call? Oh, no, I wasn't chomping into the phone. Don't worry about it. Don't worry, everyone. I couldn't even return it. it well i guess that doesn't make sense because my receipt was um oh god oh god can you imagine vomiting for uh can you hold on hopefully it's out of my system in two days it's a big mac god damn it just cartridges yourself hold on i gotta throw up yeah two days right can you imagine her on the plane like i ate a big mac two days ago as if anyone would take that seriously i have to take a flight in three

years i don't know how i'm going to get it okay well the last one oh sorry who's that from that was from sydney thank you sydney thank you the last one is from tress and the subject is rumor on the street. Mmm, juicy. Enticing. Also sent in June. First line is, admittedly, I have never listened to your podcast. That's a new one. I honestly, when we say I hope you're still here, like this person most definitely probably is not here. If you are Tress, I'd love to hear from you.

It probably is not here. If you are Tress, I'd love to hear from you. Admittedly, I have never listened to your podcast, but I was told by a friend to submit this review I stumbled upon a few weeks ago. Here is a link to a review for Speedo goggles. Then Tress says, if this is the type of stuff you like, I am definitely going to check out your podcast. So I don't know if this is a test. It's too late. Am I supposed to respond? It's been seven months test it's too late we're well am i supposed to respond seven months

it's too late google or gmail's uh auto response wants me to say thanks i'll check it out so i guess i could send that seven months later please don't okay all right so this is a review of speedo goggles on amazon two stars by seymour oh i see more Seymour. Hi Seymour. That's rare. It's usually Amazon customer. But this is a verified purchase of the Silver Gray Speedo Vanquisher 2.0 mirrored swim goggles, panoramic, anti-glare, anti-fog with UV protection. Dude, what'd you get for Christmas? Oh man. Got the Vanquisher.

What'd you get? How many hours do you have? I'm going to tell you the title of it while I'm doing it. Can you imagine getting goggles for Christmas? And calling them the Vanquisher? Why is that so funny to me? Okay. Subject is way too dark.

I guess I like the goggles well enough, but someone should highlight these are suitable for welding as well. They are way too dark. I feel like they are even darker than my sunglasses. If I ever wanted to blindfold someone, I'd just give them these. If I were at the pool and a crime was committed, if I were at the pool and a crime was committed, I couldn't honestly testify about anything.

What the fuck? Seymour, you have quite the imagination. Seymour, you have a lot of worries. I think you need to maybe take something for that. That's quite the anxiety to have. They make pills for this. Sounds like me. Yikes.

Honestly, it sounds like me. I'm like, well, what if there's a murder? Yeah. God. If I were at the pool and a crime was committed, I couldn't honestly testify about anything I saw. and a crime was committed, I couldn't honestly testify about anything I saw. I'd just have to say, there were darkness, and in the darkness, there was more darkness.

Please don't say that. That's so fucking weird. You're gonna get arrested. He's gonna be the other side of that courtroom. What did you see? Darkness. And in the darkness, I saw more darkness. And the darkness i saw more darkness and the jury is like well fuck well maybe this guy did it yeah to be fair he was welding with a blowtorch at the pool um i also really like picturing that he's saying this on on trial or like uh in the witness stand with the goggles on just like there was darkness and more darkness oh my god okay last line is batman probably uses these to hone his echolocation skills end of review well that came out of left field yeah that one was a side thought like you were already losing me with the whole court case thing but then like batman like come on stick to one thing 300 feet yeah right exactly it's too much you started

with welding you skipped over that real quick i forgot see i even forgot about welding that's the problem you skip around too much i just mentioned that he was welding at the pool no i just you know i wanted to make sure the joke didn't stick the joke landed okay the courtroom one stuck you should have just only done that one that one was good someone people are literally responding with like advice alexander what people are responding with advice like well these are made for outdoor like what kind of swimming do you do uh deep in my dungeon crime swimming i go swimming where there's murders on the regular in the bogs in the bogs okay yeah there's wow okay um anyway so that 350 people found that helpful including me so 351 thank you tress for sending that in i hope someday

you hear this or maybe tress's friend still listens maybe oh if this is your friend if either of you wasn't named in the or if you know a tress reach out to them tell them about this podcast if you know well let's come up named in the. Or if you know a Tress, reach out to them and tell them about this podcast. If you know, well, let's come up with a more common name. If you know someone named Bill, tell them to listen to this podcast. Yeah, go tell all the Bills. Anyway, but not Hank, really. I don't really need it. We don't need Hanks.

We don't need any more Hanks. All right. Unless your name is Hank. Yes. Then we love you. And your guns. Yeah. Okay.

I've got one more. Oh, sorry. I forgot I went first. Your turn. So this one is by from kristin um kristin says i know you have like a year back above between you and us reviews but i keep sending them anyway well you got picked i don't know if you've been picked in the past because my memory is terrible but um you might have another one here who's this sorry kristin kristin

one of my best friends just got engaged and since since I got married last year, she asked me for help with finding a good place to find a dress. This is looking back through newer reviews of places I had shopped for my dress, and I came across this review of L&H Bridal in Philadelphia posted on WeddingWire.com. Oh, no. It's a wild ride. Buckle up. So here we go.

I'm buckled. So it's a two-parter i'm gonna read you uh landscaped his phone so we're gonna get really serious here yep i can't really read it that well but i'm gonna do my best okay um this is a 0.5 star review oh sorry what 0.5 they gave 0.5 stars do you know how many people on yelp are so jealous right now? They should go to whatever this is. Weddingwire.com. This is by Christina, who was married on October 21st, 2018. Eight days after you.

Well, I didn't think this would ever see the light of day. No. Yeah. It's not me. I swear to God. No, she spells her name differently. Okay. Point five stars.

I recently purchased my dress from L and H bridal. I have to say I was an easygoing bride that chose the second dress I tried on. How come I don't believe you? You know, that's how you started. You know, something's wrong. A 0.5 star indicates just so much.

Paid for it on the spot with cash and returned seven months later for my fitting. When I put the dress on at the fitting, we all could not believe how it fit me. Like a glove. The dress needed very little work. An inch off of the shoulders and some cutting of tulle at the bottom. Did I say that right? You did. I did it.

I recalled L&H saying they cap off alterations at $500, so when I approached the front desk and saw they were going to charge me $400, I could not believe it. I knew the work my dress needed was not worth nearly $400. I've seen tons of brides who need their dresses practically reconstructed, and they are going to charge me $400? $100 away from the most they will ever charge someone? I asked to speak to the seamstress. After waiting 40 minutes, she finally came downstairs and started going off on me with such attitude. Did you not see me with my ass in the air cutting the bottom of your dress? It's insulting to a seamstress that you

don't want to pay me that. Give me $200 and you can leave. No, I will not give you $200 for 20 minutes worth of work. I asked for my dress back as I know several seamstresses closer to home who would treat their clients in a much classier way. She refused to give me my dress unless she took the six pins out. Be my guest, lady. Another woman brought my dress down, handed it to me and said, here's your dress. Sign it out and you can leave. handed it to me and said, here's your dress. Sign it out and you can leave. Sign it out?

I paid for it. It's mine, lady. I've never worked with such trashy, terrible women before. I cannot believe they own a business. Stay away. The experience of buying your wedding dress should be joyful and this place is far from it. So that was the initial review. Now I have L and H bridal's reply.

Yes. I was like, we either need a review by Christina of all the other places saying all of these places are so expensive or we need a response from customer or from, from owner. So here we go. When you picked out the dress, you may have been an easy bride, but when it came time to pay for your dress, you were far from easy. You paid your dress in cash because you insisted we not charge you sales tax. We told you we always charge sales tax per the law, no matter if the customer pays in cash or any other form of currency. Your mother continued asking us to waive the sales tax.

continued asking us to waive the sales tax. She even went so far as to try teaching us how we could create a fake invoice in order for us not to have to charge the sales tax, as your family owns a pizza wholesale company and has done this in the past. You've called us trashy, but at least we follow the law and have the decency not to mention your company's name in this rebuttal. Totino's Pizza Rolls? How did you know? You got them. Scamming the government? The IRS? Miss Totino herself.

Christina Totino. Oh my god, I'm calling ICE. Hank has their number. You stated your dress fit like a glove and it needed, quote, very little work. It did fit well, but that is not the reason the alterations cost $400. Your dress has 12 layers of tulle, one layer of satin, and a layer of lining with crinoline that all needed to be shortened. That is no easy task. Also, you wanted the front part of the beaded top to be lined and the shoulders lifted, including the beaded sleeves. All of these alterations normally

do cost up to $500. However, we only charged $400. When you went to pay for the alterations, you had a conniption. Again, you did not want to pay the sales tax and demanded to see the seamstress. You did have to wait a bit because the seamstress was in her next appointment. You and your mother were extremely rude and verbally attacked the seamstress in front of other witnessing customers who were also appalled by your actions. So the seamstress defended herself. Your verbal attack was just not necessary.

The seamstress had enough and asked you to just pay $200 just for the work already completed and take your dress. This is where you showed your true self. You replied, quote, only charge me $300 total and no taxes,

and I will finish my alterations here. Bitch. You were only out for one thing, and I am happy we said no. End of response. I don't think I've ever yelled bitch at like legitimately anyone on this podcast. No.

Sorry for everyone's ears if you're not used to me saying anything but fuck um but like woof woof and not to um oh sorry i called the police yeah thank god uh jesus call them off christina it's okay i didn't mean it i know i'm sending them to Christina in Philadelphia. Christina Totino. Christina Totino pizza rolls. Man. All right.

What I was going to say is, what a crazy. I feel bad for this person's vendor. I mean venue. I feel bad for every vendor that this person is working with. I agree. She's one of those. She's literally a TLC show. Or maybe she's trying out this happened what they got married over a year ago um assuming it happened assuming that he went through with it she went through with it and uh hopefully everyone has had time to

recover since then because listen i haven't that's a lot i just it's awful i had no sales tax how ridiculous can you be because like it's the law that makes no sense to me and then to say oh well we do it all the time at our giant pizza totino cut hey i just want to say that's wild disclaimer i'm not actually saying this about totino's pizza rolls i do not want to get sued. We do want them to sponsor us. I will take it all back if you send me some pizza rolls. Okay. Yeah, no, that's wild. When I got my dress fitted, I can assure you

it was much more expensive than $500 because that's just how it works. So I think they were doing a good service saying $500 cap, which is kind of great. And also being that job is very difficult. God, that poor woman was in another appointment, then had to finish with that one only to be verbally attacked.

Had her ass in the air. Oh, yeah. Then got attacked. Yeah. No, that's rough. That's really rough and very cruel. Oh, yeah. I'm glad they fucking snapped back.

Me too. I love that she's like, I guess I'll stay. If. What a crazy. Yeah, obviously that was what they just wanted. God. I bet this girl was on. She was on the scene and then tried to get the money, pay less money.

It's insane. I can almost guarantee you she was on my super sweet 16. Oh, yeah. Like 15 years ago. Oh, God. Same kind of attitude. Well, that's all. Is that it? That's it, huh? I think we're done. You look like you're ready to jump out of your chair. I am so done. I need to take my NyQuil

and pass the fuck out. Alright, well, I need to somehow put myself in a hazmat suit. Okay, good luck. Thank you. When you're listening to this, if you have any complaints, I don't think either of us will be in town or caring i will be caring but i won't be in town okay uh i will be hanging out with miss carissa and mr carissa who weren't there oh yeah in indy yeah okay i'll be in indonesia so if anyone has any tips of what to do out there, let me know. Because I'm just going.

Brag, brag, brag. It's not a brag. No one goes there in January. I'm going to Indiana, so suck it. I do like Indiana. All right. Hopefully I like Indonesia more. Thanks, everyone, for listening. If you have a review that you find and want to send in, email us at beach2sandy at gmail.com.

We love to read them, and we love to hear from you guys. Wait, email us anyway, if you want to say hi, say hi, or follow us on social media. Oh, at beach to Sandy.

That's, that's the name. Uh-huh. Don't wear it out. All right. We'll talk to you guys soon. Goodbye. Shining stars.

Keep it starry-eyed.