Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 13

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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or your outrageous food delivery habits. Crypto is finance for everyone, everywhere, all the time. Kraken. See what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Welcome to February's edition of Between You and Us. This is the fun part where you send us funny emails with other people's reviews and then we pick our favorites and read them to you dramatically very well very eloquently very well eloquently for sure why don't you get started okay sure i also want to add on friday we released the um

live episode from our new york show and you should go listen to it if you have not. Go listen and go watch the video if you want to catch the Q&A we did. That's at youtube.com slash sea slash beach too sandy water too wet. But now we will give you why you're really here. Okay let's see this is an email that we received from Tennille. Hi. It says hi hi, I was trying to remember the name of the specific Chinese restaurant in my hometown when I stumbled upon this gem. Enjoy. I will now read you Kate's one-star review of Cheng's

China Bistro. The most disgusting place I have ever been to in my entire life. My mom and I decided to go to this place, parentheses, in Melbourne we have many great cheap Asian restaurants. Well, not this hole on the Gold Coast. I ordered the fishball flat noodle soup and my mom got barbecue pork on rice.

Meal took 15 minutes to get to our wonky table. Mom's meal wouldn't even feed it to my dirty used tampon if it had teeth. Excuse you? That's original i'll give them points for creativity oh my god let me just um read that one more time wouldn't feed it to my dirty used tampon if it had teeth what would you feed it if it had teeth i think we all know the answer to that question. Maybe Chinese food from Melbourne, Australia instead. Maybe not. Is it done?

No. Okay. The barbecue pork was disgustingly dry that eating a rubber thong from Kmart would have been more satisfying. And to top it off, no barbecue sauce with the barbecue pork and rice. Instead, soy sauce. My fishball noodle soup had no fish cakes. The Asian man said they don't do that and instead give you more fishballs. But all they did was cut the fishballs in half to make it appear like you're getting more.

My mom ate all three small rubbery pork out of the six on her plate. When we complained, they laughed in our face saying they will call the police. I think there's a step missing here. she's probably waving her tampon around and the day waitress who probably just ate all the good pork behind the counter herself said you can't eat your food and complain i have never received such disgusting customer service in my life along with such horrible food. Do not ruin your holiday time, money, and energy by going to this dumb of a place where the staff are so rude, laugh in your face, and threaten to call police when you say you're not paying

after eating two spoons of rice and rubber pork. This restaurant doesn't know who I am, and they are in big trouble, wink face. Who are you? Kate from Melbourne. Kate. Kate with the tampon. Yeah, if you don't pay, that's theft.

What the fuck? Kate with the toothy tampon. But they're not, you liked it. It doesn't matter. God damn it. Yeah, that one was rough. I don't like that. This restaurant doesn't know who I am and are in big trouble, wink face.

Oh, no. The wink face. I don't think they are. Thank you, Tennille. Yes, thank you, though. That was perfect for us, but I didn't like it. Didn't you? No. My first one is from Alexandra. Okay. Who says, hello, this is a review of my neighborhood on the Nextdoor app. Oh god. This is written by Anna and it's titled Cute vs. Noise. Do you like to sit in your backyard or on your deck and enjoy the birds chirping, dogs, squirrels, or feeling and hear the breeze and trees rustling?

I don't know. I'm very confused. You're confused by this? I don't know how to answer that question. Yeah, it's a lot and wrong verbs, I think, with things. It's a little confusing. I knew how to answer the question of do you like to sit on your porch? Yes. The rest of it, Yeah, it's a lot. And wrong verbs, I think, with things. It's a little confusing. I knew how to answer the question of, do you like to sit on your porch? Yes. The rest of it, if the dogs are chirping, probably not.

And the squirrels. I don't like chirping squirrels. Are blowing in the wind. Yeah, there's a lot of confusion here. Okay, go ahead. I do. However, my neighbor has three huge wind chimes hanging on his backyard deck, and they are so loud I can't enjoy hearing kids playing or birds and the breeze without the clanging of metal. I really miss sitting on my deck to read with the natural sounds of a neighborhood. Also, it seems that people who hang these things rarely sit there and listen to them, but they want everyone else to?

Be nice to your neighbors. Ask them if they mind wind chimes before to them. But they want everyone else to? Be nice to your neighbors. Ask them if they mind wind chimes before hanging them. Thank you. End of review. Ask them if they mind. Can you imagine being like, do you mind if I hang wind chimes? Yes, I do. I need to listen to the fucking squirrels.

I mean, she does have a point that rarely do people who hang wind chimes go, oh, I'm just going to sit here and listen to my wind chimes. I don't think they're meant to be sat there and listen. I don't really know what they're meant for i don't really get it i like the sound of wind chimes i mean we had them growing up yeah so maybe that's why i feel like it's nice when it's windy i mean we are literally sitting in like gale force well again now it would be like clang clang clang okay do you like my wind no exactly neither does anna well i don't know i kind of get it but i get that it's annoying but why don't you just ask your neighbor if they could maybe take them down this is a very passive aggressive weird way for such an angry person you'd think that they would be

the one to storm over there and like rip them off the roof yeah true i picture this is the kind of person who like sits and meditates but it's like just fuming the whole time you know i mean that like if you do want to do like meditate or do yoga or something and like in your like on your porch or in your yard or something and you've got the fucking wind chime they literally they put wind chimes like in yoga meditation music i mean i feel like it's it's not meant to be like a very but if you don't like wind chimes you would buy different yoga meditation music. Thank you very much. How about we all just put up those fun little pinwheels? Okay, that's fair.

Don't make noise. But we can see how windy it is. Perfect. Perfect. I have an email from Valerie. It says, Sisters Schieffer, saw this in a Facebook group. Please show to Jim. Ha ha! ha ha i guess i think that's

the name of the group i don't know oh i'm like i saw this in the facebook group please show to jim ha ha i think that is like probably a group where they it's is it making fun of oh here we go i found it it's i think it's just making fun of people who post shit on the internet that don't really understand. Oh, sort of like what we do. I've got lots of those. Yeah. It seems to be that same kind of idea. Um, a similar group that I think is very funny is the whites are at it again. And then there's one called the straights are at it again. And okay, sorry. So that is, uh, the group. So now I need to join that group immediately. Valerie, thank you very much. Valerie says she, her, not sure of the restaurant or city, huge fan. Now this part got my attention.

I believe that Christine was sent to Earth to make podcasts as God's compensation for making us live in such a shit time in history. That's a bold statement. Please show it to Jim, ha ha. Thank you, Valerie. You actually, I know you're just pandering to me, but it was the very kindest thing I've ever read about myself. So I really appreciate your kind words. They warmed my heart today on this blustery afternoon.

They chilled my heart. Yes, just the way we like it. Okay. So interestingly enough, this was posted by Jim H. Oh. Maybe the original? Who's to say? The Jim posted by Jim H. Oh. Maybe the original? Who's to say? The Jim.

The Jim. One star. Disgusting. I was served macaroni with literally red raw meat, lifted up the toasted cheese on top, and there were strips of red raw steak. The meat was not seared nor browned nor cooked at all. It was red raw steak. The meat was not seared nor browned nor cooked at all. It was red raw. It was obvious

that they mixed red raw steak, literally red raw, with cooked macaroni in a skillet which is then placed in an oven to toast the cheese on top.

The red raw steak strips inside the mac remain literally red raw and are served that way. Red raw. Is he trying to summon some sort of demon? Oh my god god i'm probably summoning it yeah like bloody mary this was uh um they're playing all along oh shit it's a whole it's a whole

conspiracy please show to jim is taking over the world when i showed the red raw meat to the staff the staff were themselves disgusted when i questioned the hygiene of putting raw meat not seared browned or cooked at all until already cooked macaroni, I was told, I don't know, I don't cook it. What if he just asked, like, someone else at a different table? Then I asked to speak to manager about the hygiene and health hazards of serving red raw meat placed into cooked macaroni, and I was told he was too busy to talk and I should come back another time. I was then billed $28, paid $28, and left, sick and to stomach. Obviously didn't eat the disgusting red raw meat with macaroni. Unhygienic, health hazard, disgusting.

End of review. Hmm. Red raw! I wish I were a picture. Oh my god, it's like red rum. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Oh, sorry, took me a minute. Yeah, spin. It's like red rum. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. Sorry.

It took me a minute. Yeah. Spin around three times and scream red raw and you'll, uh. You know, backward, it spells ward. Ward. Ward. Ward. Whoa. Wait, no, it doesn't.

It spells warder. English is not my first language. Um, thank you, Valerie. Uh, this was a very bizarre post from jim and i appreciate it and i would really like to join this group so thank you i'll be on there too my next one is from amanda who says hi she for sibs hey i was researching hotels in san diego for a trip and came across a few reviews i had to share with you love y'all this is a review of windham san diego bayside. This is by Jennifer.

Jennifer gave it 5 out of 5. Very nice staff. Great location. And we had a beautiful room with an amazing view. I would, however, recommend being vigilant with the birds and not leaving the patio door open unless you're in the room. We did hear our neighbor scream that there was a seagull in her room. End of review.

Oh my god. Imagine. Five stars for that? Well, it didn't happen to their room. Yeah, I know, but like, holy smokes. I love that. Can you imagine, like, you just got room service. You open up and it's like a nice breeze from the ocean.

I have like shiversivers like my body is like chilled by this statement oh it'd be terrifying it would be terrifying big and scary yes and loud yeah can you just imagine a scream i love that like they were able to determine that the screaming from next door was about like i think if a bird came in i would just be screaming and nobody would know why um probably i was being murdered or something well yeah they knock on the door to see if everything's okay someone with like bloody hands like oh yeah it was just a seagull in the room uh thanks for checking don't worry about us yeah we're fine now yeah um oh my goodness yeah i mean i just i'm like i wonder what they were yelling to make it very clear that there was a seagull literally just yelling there is a seagull in my room i room. I think that's, I mean, listen, if you're going to call for help, you might as well.

Yeah, we've got to be specific. Be as straightforward as you possibly can. Yeah. Okay, so this one is interesting because it actually, I didn't even remember this, but it goes kind of hand in hand with what you just read to me. This is sent in by Deanna, I think. Deanna. It says, you guys are hilarious.

I discovered you two days ago and I've listened to quite a few episodes so far. I work at a museum and each exhibit has a guest book, which is essentially a place to review the exhibit. And while flipping through one for an exhibit of decoy ducks, I found my favorite one ever and thought you would appreciate it. Cool. I like this. Cool, right? So it says here, please comment. No, please share your comments on our current exhibition.

Joel, this is the name of the exhibition. Joel Barber and the Modern Decoy. Very excited about this. Okay. So every, so there's a lot of sections here. There's date, name, email, address, and comments. Okay. And they only filled out two sections. The first is name. Quindarius Gooch. out two sections. The first is name. Quindarius Gooch. No.

I love it. I want to hear everything they have to say. Okay, it's a lot. Under comments, they skipped the first three blank lines and then wrote on the third line. Bird. Bird.

End of review. Fascinating. It just says Quindarius Gooch comments about exhibit did you look that up to make sure it wasn't anything bad what quindarius gooch oh like some sort of spell i don't know why i'm on this weird spell i think you're convinced that like um oh what is this a real person, this is a real person. It's like that's actually someone's name. Yeah, he was arrested.

Oh, my God. What? What is happening? Let's find out how far the rabbit hole goes. 19 arrested following drug investigation in Russell County. What? I don't know. I don fascinated okay it looks like uh arrested on drug charges okay quindarious whoops unlawful possession of marijuana oh that's it yeah that's it whatever bird that stinks uh yeah so i guess i guess uh quindararius had a lot to say after being released. Oh, my goodness.

Hopefully released. Yeah, hopefully. Anyway, yeah, there's his Twitter and everything. Well, hi, Quindarius. I'm very intrigued now. I'm sorry. I probably just opened up some sort of can of worms. Yeah, I don't know.

It's like a time warp. Time warp? Warp. Okay, well, thank you, Deanna. I think you really found... It's like a time warp. Time warp? Warp. Okay. Well, thank you, Deanna. I think you really found quite a character among your guest book reviews. I do love that, like, on his off time, Quindarius goes to the duck exhibit, though. Yes.

Thank you for the introduction, Deanna. Mine now is from Kelsey. Kelsey says, hey. Hey. These are some of my favorite reviews of the McDonald's next to my college campus. It's in Dinkytown in Minneapolis. What is going on today? Birthplace of Quindary Scooch.

Stop it. Dinkytown. They sent a lot, so I'm going to read just a couple of them. First one is by Tabitha, one star. This was the worst McDonald's I have ever been to. After ordering, the workers literally screamed at us for the duration of the time we were in the restaurant. To the employees of this McDonald's, enjoy your power trip now, because in the grand scheme of things, you forgot my fries

and you're a giant loser. End of review. Oh my god, this sounds like it's in the Burn book. The Mean Girls Burn book. You are a giant loser. Did it say they just screamed at us the entire time?

Literally, well, they said the duration of the entire time? Literally the, well they said the duration of the entire time. Sure, wow, okay. A little redundant. Quite a duration. Um, yeah. Here's the next one. One star by Phantom. This is a wonderful McDonald's to get ripped off at.

Lo and behold, my money is gone and I receive nothing for my toil. Bear witness that I'm driving away, still hungry. End of review. Oh my god! Like some weird haiku or something. Yeah, these all sound like spells, you're right. Like they're casting spells.

Bear witness. For all my toil, get it? Toil and trouble. Toil and trouble. Here's one more by Lord Chaco. Oh, okay. One star. Burn, Ronald, burn! in trouble well here's one more uh by lord choco oh okay one star burn ronald burn you should be called ronald trump end of review oh my god ronald trump i kind of like that i do too i do wonder what that's supposed to mean ron Trump. I don't know. Burn it to the ground.

No, don't. We don't want that, Christina. No, don't do that. I'm just quoting Choco Master or whatever. Thanks, Kelsey. Thank you, Kelsey. Okay, this is an email from Alyssa. And Alyssa says, I think this is at least the third email I've sent y'all, but this is way too crazy to not share.

This was in Apple app reviews for Facebook, for the Facebook app. So it's one of your favorites. Cool. I like these. An app review. Enjoy this mayhem and thanks for all you do. Much love, Alyssa. That's a lot to sift through. I'm impressed. I know. Me too. Especially for Facebook. Yeah, that's what I mean. This is by Yankee G. One star. Pictures are not loading on facebook what's going on it keeps getting worse every time you update i'm calling channel 2 news and also calling the white house this is crazy every time you update facebook nothing is the same can't see friends or family on here then you get stupid stuff please get this fixed like it used to be where people enjoyed it for the last four to five days have seen the same post from the same people maybe one new post come on please straighten this out can't see friends post seeing same posts for weeks every time you

update it screwed up please fix this can't see family and friends still having same problem not seeing all of my friends and family posts every time it's updated it's always the same things why are you always updating you make it worse no friends see people i don't even know photos missing don't like memories being showed last three weeks instead still seeing the same thing no family or friends people i don't really know in here please let me see my family and friends facebook locked me in their dungeon please let me out my friends posts are hidden or deleted says content no good it's not for you to decide we should be the ones who decides if we want to see it still not seeing my family and friends post and overview i know what's happening do you i'm still a little bit lost they're being blocked by everyone on their

friends list now i can't see things it literally says they blame facebook i can't see it it says the content is not there yeah you're right that's called being blocked that would be hilarious oh no let's let's blame facebook i love that they like said they were going to call both channel two news and the white house starting off strong oh my god channel two two and the white house are both equally concerned with your uh yeah that went from uh probably like a hundred like first of all calling your local news channels crazy but then to a thousand saying i'm gonna call the white house like what and then just like to zero because they were just begging to see their friends yes there's a national security issue or something i don't know please help me all right

my next one's from uh josh thank you elissa oh thanks elissa my next one is from josh uh josh wanted to share this review of someone living in their truth and following their inner squirrel. Uh oh. So this is a five star review of a squirrel costume on Amazon. Titled, The Best Thing Money Can Buy.

I love this. I love it so much. The acorns were sewn inside out and I don't even care. This is beautiful. I have no job, and I spent $60 on this squirrel costume, and I just wear it around the house sometimes. I wore it to a Harry Potter-themed party.

I'm wearing it on Halloween. There's never a bad time to wear it. End of review. Oh my god! There's a picture. Oh my god! That's the picture. Oh my goodness.

That's the best picture. Yes, it is. Can you describe it? Why don't we post it for our patrons? Patreon.com slash Ph2Sandy. I feel like you're holding them hostage. Well, we want to give patrons something. You're right, but it is just a photo of a person in a squirrel suit.

It's hilarious. It's great. It's funny. I love that it proves that this person actually is wearing a squirrel costume. Like, it makes it actually believable. I wonder what they said at the Harry Potter party. Like, who they were, you know? Okay.

I have one more review. This was sent in by Maddie. It says, hey team, I just came across this review of a food bank. Like, as in a place where they give free food to the less fortunate. This lady has got some standards. Uh-oh. Mm-oh. One star.

Doesn't have a name. Went here with an elderly person. Obtained from a Lutheran church off Canyon Road. Later, thrown away. Cornflakes contained yellow dyes and malt syrup. Partially genetically engineered. Off-brand pancake syrup? First ingredient, high fructose corn syrup.

Hell to the no. Apparently, the church gets donations and purchases food from Oregon Fraud Bank. They pur- What? Instead of food bank. Yeah, what? They purchase in bulk canned food which contains the poison high fructose corn syrup. Most of the food at this location is heavily processed. Inspect your so-called food. How much is actually edible from these locales? Produce here was slimy and wouldn't even touch it for further inspection. Someone tried to give me products like laundry detergent and OMG, so processed and chemical smell, I had to leave. Why not just give out gift cards to a grocery store instead? Give people real choices. End of review.

Holy cow. That is something. That's a choosy beggar right there. That's, I mean, yeah, it's processed. I don't know. Donations or whatever. Okay, here's the thing. We worked at a food, or we volunteered at a food bank for a long time,

and part of the issue is when they accept food donations, they have to be so careful with it being expired. And so a lot of times it ends up being processed food because it has longer shelf life. It can be kept more easily and for longer periods of time. And also, like, shut up. I love Corn Flakes and off-brand pancakes. What the heck? That's annoying. That's really annoying. It has poison in it. Okay. okay i mean what do you expect if they're not if they're not taking it then someone else will use it which is true i'll go to someone else so that's just like why don't you buy for this elderly person you brought why don't you buy them some organic produce i mean seriously like what did they say oh you can't eat this stuff i was like well what am i gonna eat oh i mean

just yeah it literally says that she threw it away. That's terrible. She got it. She picked up a package for the elderly person and threw it away. Really? Whatever. That's terrible. Anyway, so we probably should have ended on your squirrel.

I'm sorry. I have one more. Great. Is it positive? I forget. Great. So no. Anyway, so thank you, Maddie.

Thanks, Maddie. This next one and final one is from Kat. Kat says, hello from Billings, Montana. Oh, hello. I know you did a Billings episode before, but you definitely missed out on the Facebook reviews. They're where you find the quote, good ones. Here's one about one of the Popeye's chickens in town. I'm so excited.

Cheers and five stars, Kat. Popeye's chickens in town. I'm so excited. Cheers and five stars, Kat. So this is Catherine who posted on Billings Customer Service Watchdog. It's like some sort of group or something. Holy shit. Okay. Watchdog.

That sounds like a group we need to be a part of. That sounds like this person with the corn syrup poison problem. I mean, there's probably some wacky shit on there. So here's what Catherine has to say. Just to be clear, no punctuation in the entire thing. Oh, why would there be? Popeye's on Southgate? Worst service ever.

I got a chicken sandwich, told me I could not have it without pickles. Maybe wait 15 minutes for french fries. Wish were cold. Emma sandwich was soggy and I called them and all they want to tell me is that they close her sandwich station at 830. I talked to the lady at the window.

She said the chicken was 10 minutes fresh. It was not fresh. They lied. Told me they upgraded me to a large fry. It was a regular size fry in a large box just to make me appeased. This is BS. I have called and I'm waiting for a message from the manager tomorrow. Screw Popeye's chicken.

End of review. This is like exactly the example of when people who work in retail are like, I'm just exhausted by my job. I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking blame you. I mean, the fact that this person is waiting for a call because what they want. They didn't get their large fry and they didn't want pickles. This person should not have access to the internet, I think. Show it to Jim. Show it to jim everyone show everything to jim jim will fix the world fixes everything jim is uh red raw fixing the world oh never say red raw again it's really a horrible phrase it really is um that was actually the subject that they set uh she had sent

it in and i was like i don't know if i want to open this, but now I have to, because I need to know what's going on. Intrigued by the red raw. We all are. Well, thank you everyone for making it through another episode of Between You and Us. Yay! If you'd like to send us reviews you find on the internet, send them to beach2sandy

at gmail.com with the subject Between You and Us. Looking forward to hearing from you and maybe you'll make it into an episode soon send us some stuff send it bye bye Bye.