Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 18

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us! Email us at [e-mail] with the subject "Between You And Us" and you might be featured in next month's episode! Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly we are all connected discover echo from cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at dorado lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du Soleil.com. Echo thinks it's presenting partners' sun life. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. Hello, welcome to Between You and Us, August edition.

We're actually doing one in August, huh? You just sounded like a Sesame Street character. Your voice was undulating. Hello. Hi, everyone. You don't even need to try. It really sounded like that. So thank you for adding some much needed entertainment to the episode already. Hello, everyone.

Yeah, we're doing, like Alexander the Muppet said, we're doing like alexander the muppet said we're doing between you and us today for august and we did do one for july right we just skipped june accidentally accidentally accidentally so um we are back at it and it's a little bit late but now these don't really necessarily have a time so here it is enjoy it is enjoy for those who don't know by the way this is where we read reviews that you sent into our email, beachtoosandyatgmail.com with the subject Between You and Us. Yes. Would you like me to go first, Sandy?

I would love that. Great. This actually was sent in by Alexandria, who we mentioned in the last episode, the last Between You and Us. Remember the email, the review that was of an air conditioner, but then it was like of an iPad? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it was like measuring coffins. And so Alexandria said, I heard my shout out, was immediately confused, and then was horrified to see I had said the wrong thing. And then said, Alex called it. I was shopping for both an air conditioner and an iPad that same day when I sent the review. That's hilarious. So you really

did call it. That makes me feel good that I like called that. Yeah and then to make up for it she sent a review of an air conditioner. No okay there you go. I love that. I just realized my air conditioner is on. Sorry about that. So the audio might have just gotten a slightly bit better. And actually it's weirdly fitting for this exact review so this what is a verified purchase um it's a two-star review of an air conditioner on amazon verified purchase so much noisy i don't know why so many people said it is quiet actually it makes so much noisy and you can't sleep if you put it in your bedroom don't recommend to buy it cooling is good end of review oh it's so much noisy i just love that

they said the way they said it i know and like noisy was said twice so they really they were like i don't mean noise i mean noisy yeah no noisy. Yeah. No, that's another level. That's another level. Thank you, Alexandria. She also said, feel free to make fun of me on air. Oh, we always do. We will, no matter whether you tell us to or not. Yeah, specifically you.

Only Alexandria. Always and forever. Okay, that was my first one. That's a good one. My first one comes courtesy of taylor taylor found this review of trojan nirvana variety pack condoms great um it's a the collect oh the nirvana collection lube condoms 10 count i'm so glad you added more detail here we go sorry sorry sorry this review is five stars. It's titled Best Spring Break Ever.

Oh, God. Okay, here we go. I am ready. To date, be responsible, enjoy all of life, sweet substance, and share all of me with another human being, two soul intertwined from sea to shining sea oh my god i'm sorry but the thing that this reminded me of is that short like that i think it's a um pixar short with like the i don't like where this is going the trojan review the volcanoes or whatever in the like in the ocean what are you talking about okay did you write this is this your latest installation your latest art piece listen whoever this is get it i'm so proud of you and

happy for you but listen i don't need to know about intertwining souls. There was one phrase that really got me that was like the substance of life or something. Christina, let me read the whole. I'll read just one sentence again. Oh, great. Okay, which happens to be the whole end of the review. To date, be responsible. No punctuation to date be responsible enjoy all of life's sweet substance and share all of me with another human being to soul intertwined from

sea to shining sea so good it's like it's like the runner-up for the for the star-spangled banner you know yeah much like a high schooler came up with the flag of the u.s a high schooler came up with this rendition beautiful really um i love i hate is what i meant to say the this can you say the substance just that phrase enjoy all of life sweet substance sweet life sweet substance i don't want to know any more about that. So that one, that is painting a picture if we ever saw it. Yep. Okay.

Who was that from? Who sent that in? That was from Taylor. Thank you, Taylor, I guess. This was sent in by Luna. this was sent in by luna and luna says so first of all uh she says that she worked at a craft store in california and says the staff did not get to pick the music remember the whole okay yeah yeah you'll probably never forget um and she said they had one cd from corporate that they had to listen to on shuffle every single day oh no and it consisted of breakfast at tiffany's save tonight she's so high etc so it really seems to be like corporate has found

i guess that that specific genre uh inspires people to quilt i don't know so anyway so she said here's some reviews from portland and uh i have a few actually for you here. This is a one-star review of New Seasons. New Seasons? Yeah. Yeah. New Seasons Market. So it's like a grocery store. You've never been to New Seasons?

No. Oh, duh. It's a Portland thing. Yeah. I have no idea what that is. I've been to New Seasons a bunch. Yeah, you can tell. It's really nice.

So it's, yeah, so it's a grocery store. So John gave it one star. Went to an open checkout lane. The cashier was singing Adele loudly with another coworker when I happily commented on the entertainment. He didn't say a word and was rude for the duration of the checkout. It was uncomfortable. So Derek, cheer up. End of review.

I mean, Derek's singing Adele, not the most cheery music. That's a good point, Sandy. That's a good point. So. That's a good point. So it's kind of rude of you to say cheer up Derek. Well hello Derek's singing Adele not like okay I don't know. Derek's like hoping he'll find someone like you and you're just

rubbing it in. Yeah. Terrible. Terrible of you. Terrible. Okay. The next I have several so I'm going to just keep reading them bring them on because uh she said only good ones um so this one is a review of the international rose test garden do you know what that is no i know portland's the city of roses okay well then that makes sense because it is a rose garden in portland oregon and they have 10 000 rose the rose garden what was the title you said gave it's

the international international rose test garden i'm pretty sure the rose garden is in dc okay well yeah but no but the rose no the international rose test garden the yeah yeah yeah like there's there's a big rose garden in portland like famous one yes that is okay i didn't know it was i didn't know it was a test garden i don't even know what the fuck that means i don't either that's why i'm reading it to you i'm sorry verbatim i've never been there are 10 000 rose bushes of approximately 650 varieties so this is a review of that one star by r it is nothing Bunch of crazy roses. End of review. Crazy. Crazy.

Okay. I don't know. I don't know. Look out. Too wild for this child. Whoa. I like that. Now I have another review of New Seasons.

The different location of a New Seasons grocery store. One star by julie too many frauds with service french bulldogs claiming to be handicapped if by handicapped you mean requiring at 258 likes per day stylish athletic unique with special diets scratching their fur babies and sticking their paws i mean hands into the bulk bins for a free nosh. Sometimes the place looks more like a petco rave. Now, now, these dynamically woke nitwits have their rights. Never mind hygienic grocery stores and eating places, the corporations take away from us while encouraging these regressive antics, which silently erode the regulations that we once put into place for the healthy, practical benefit of benefit of all meanwhile it'll be an interesting day in court when the blue healer that jogs up the baking aisle

rips the ear off of a child it mistakes for a stray member of the herd that poor dog end of review excuse me can you repeat what that was of a grocery store what that lost all meaning very quickly. I heard the phrase petco rave and I'm like, wait, what? That sounds fun. I believe they're upset that people are bringing quote unquote service dogs into the grocery store, which like, sure. Yes, if they are not registered service dogs, that is not a good thing to do and don't do it um so that's that and then i have one final one of i'm sorry there's so many in here but they're all so good this is a final one of new season's uh concordia location concordia it doesn't matter this is a one survey by steve and there's an update so this is from april 18 2015 hmm a hundred dollars a week times 52 weeks that's five thousand dollars minimum

you'll be losing this year because of the adult subjects your people chose to talk about in front of my two-year-old son okay so that was on april 18th okay okay. So very vague. Like, oh, something happened here, but I can't tell you what. Right. And can I just tell you something really quick? Please. I was curious. That is the location that I've been to. No way. Yes, that is the one.

That's weird because it's the first one I've mentioned the actual location and they all three were different. they all three were different yes no i just googled it it's in northeast that's literally the one um i also got myself some uh imodium at that walgreens across the way too across the parking lot good times what a memory what a powerful compelling memory hello darlings this is lisa van der pump will you join me in france for new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards, and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you?

Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. You don't have to struggle alone. Get free confidential mental health and substance use support at Canada.ca slash mental health. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988. A message from the Government of Canada. 988 a message from the government of canada okay so then the next day steve updated his review one star still april 19 2015 apparently my first review isn't considered newsworthy so here it is repeated convos about auto fellatio are not kosher around my two-year-old son i will never shop broadway or killingsworth or the entire chain ever again end of review okay they're not wrong in the sense that that wouldn't be appropriate but what the fuck no uh it wouldn't uh but i just i'm not gonna deny that um

i don't really still still questioning what the fuck happened, but I do like the first review wasn't considered newsworthy, which I totally don't understand. Were they hoping it would be... Maybe they were hoping that NBC would contact them, like the Today Show or somebody. News outlets would reach out and be like, what has your child gone through?

They're like, yes, I would love to exploit my son's story to get on national television. Dr. Phil must know about this. Yes, exactly. And so then he just gave his cards away and just explained the whole... And now still no one cares. What the heck?

No more mystique. Yeah. And still no news. It's not newsworthy at all. You tried checking? You Googled Otto Palacio? still no not no news no it's not newsworthy at all you tried checking um you googled auto new seasons dr phil dr phil i mean we know that he's the one who picked this up for sure yeah for sure so anyway thank you luna for all of that and thank you for describing how you had to listen to that same cd that sounds traumatizing thank you for bringing back my emodium memories i always appreciate that beautiful all right mine

this is here from uh allison who says hi y'all i was listening to the latest between you and us uh and when you started talking about the burger king smelling target sheets i suddenly remembered a review i read when shopping for a mattress pad in attempt to be a responsible adult i decided I should buy a mattress cover so I could keep my new mattress clean. I'm not saying I drink a lot of red wine while laying in bed, but I drink a lot of red wine while I'm laying in bed. So here is a question and answer on Amazon. Here is the question. If we decide to have a mazola rolla on it, will the margarine wash out? And here's the answer. No idea, but sounds like fun.

What is that? Allison says, I have no idea what a mazola rolla is, and Google brings up literally nothing. Are you serious? But I'm glad I can maybe do it. But now in addition to my red wine. I'm, what? You know, the last time I heard about a Mazzola Rola, I was in line at New Seasons. Oh, yeah. And this cashier was talking about Otto Felatio and Mazzola Rolas.

That's so weird because the last time, the only time I've ever heard about mazola rollas was on Dr. Phil. Oh, yeah. Well, it's funny. Like when I was in the grocery store, though, I like asked, hey, can you look out for these items? I need one more thing. And I ran and grabbed some margarine. And then I checked out. But yeah, if you Google that, the number one result is this question on Amazon.

Mazzola Rola. What? So we'll know what that is. I'm so baffled right now. I thought you read it and you're like, is this a specific recipe? Maybe it was an autocorrect thing, but it was like Mazola hyphen Rola. It sounds like intentional that it's going to get on the mattress cover no matter what. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like it sounds pretty intentional. Not like if we accidentally spill it. True, true, true. So I don't know. Oh, I'm troubled by this. I'm deeply troubled. Well, hopefully someone out there has the answer.

Hopefully not. Actually, actually yeah maybe that's better thank you allison um again maybe i'm not sure okay so this is my final one for today um and this was sent in by emmy emmy says hey guys i've been a listener of beach to sandy and that's why i drink for a long time have never had anything to submit well i finally found one i feel very called out by this review so this is a review of cable matters two pack 16 awg two prong extension cord three outlet extension cord with tamper guard tamper guard white and six feet so this is a two pack of extension cords basically on amazon and craig gave it five stars on Amazon. And Craig gave it five stars. Verified purchase.

It works as intended. They are extension cords. They do their job. Stop reading reviews about a few dollar extension cord. This item is roughly as interesting as a cup of water. If you need one, buy one. If you don't, move on to the next boring product. May I suggest

reviews of a ream of paper. End of review. Wow wow which it is a call that would call me out big time because i do read all the reviews very good point oh my like why yeah they're like it works now relax and buy your extension cord and do something more productive it's not it's not that special you're not gonna find anything better you're not gonna find anything worse it's an extension cord yeah i like that and if you if you if you simply must here is another suggestion here's some inspo inspo for your review your boring review reading i love that so thank you emmy for that thank you emmy okay i've got one more this one is from um bk so bk says um i've

been listening to your podcast for a while now i've never sent in a review but i had to send this one in uh i was looking at a dvd of one of lady gaga's tours on amazon and this was the top review hope it gives you a laugh you guys have given me many here Here is a review by KK, five stars, verified purchase, titled, What a Beautiful Talent. I wasn't sure if I'd get into this DVD. I'm in my mid-60s and I'm a straight man. Many of her fans are homosexual, but believe me, you don't have to be to enjoy this superstar. Lady Gaga is like the new and improved combination of bett midler cher and madonna all rolled into one amazing performer her singing voice is absolutely beautiful and she has the sexiness of bett midler the flamboyance of cher and the body madonna would

kill for and i know that seemed like weirdly okay and to top it off she could out sing any of them i enjoyed all her songs and her lyrics i'm hooked on gaga i still have a high respect for the three women i compared her to and think that each one of them is a major talent but after seeing lady gaga she made me one of her monsters. She stands alone. What a beautiful talent. End of review. Wow. Yeah.

Wow, this person's life has changed. This was written six years ago, 2014, and I'm hoping that since then, they've been able to see Lady Gaga in concert and really, truly experience the lady gaga uh monsterhood monstrosity monstrosity no a little monster kk coming in i do love that they said uh i do have a high respect for those three women even though i just said madonna's like body is crap compared to gaga i was like like, wait a second.

Like, literally, that's how I am. But I would never say that to begin with. We talk about in this coming episode, I throw out things where it's like, yeah, I say that, but and then I like backpedal because I worry that I'm saying something wrong. But in this case, yeah, that was just pretty mean. And then it was like, but also in this case, you have a keyboard with a backspace. So you don't need to explain yourself later on in the review. You could just kind of remove the insulting part. But wow, I mean, that is high praise.

And 23 people found this helpful. And I'm imagining 23 straight men being like, phew, phew. It's not just me. It's not gay to like Lady Gaga. Oh, my God god and how dare how horrible it would be it's very cringy because it's it reminds me of like which you know i love the office as much as the next person but there are those scenes where it's like oh my god they think i'm gay or like oh i'm wearing a lady's suit oh my god god forbid everyone's making fun of me and it's like eee this is not gonna age well and it's slightly troubling um i've gone into a hole of watching

like early 2000s pop punk music videos and yeah a lot of those themes in there and i'm like in a music video oh my god yeah really in one i forget what song it was it was like by some 41 or by blink 182 and they like throw like a note and says i love you but it hits a guy and he turns around they're like oh no no oh no oh i would never and it was like this whole thing like this whole like theme of the music video was like oh no like don't think i'm gay dude no no no eek eek eek eek is what i have to say to that um so i mean that aside i'm glad that this fella had uh found some enjoyment and you know put his bias to the side to enjoy some gaga become a monster because lady gaga is also a huge proponent of the lgbt community and um you know what so let's all just love some gaga and get on

with our lives what's not to love what's not to love except the meat dress the meat dress was questionable yeah the meat dress was not great um but you know we've all kind of moved past i think and we've all been there we've done we've things like that. Come on. You remember in 2002, back in the... Yeah. Do you remember when I went to the Met Gala last year? Yes. How embarrassing for you. I don't want to talk about it.

Let's not talk about it on the show. We'll talk about it afterwards. We'll talk about it later. Later. Later. Anyway, thanks for listening to this episode of Between You and Us. We will hopefully be back in September, Alexander's birthday month. Yay.

And we're approaching Libra season, so we're about to get some real balanced and fair reviews. Not. If you want to send any review, you can email us at beach2sandy at gmail.com. Maybe we'll feature it on an upcoming episode. Can't wait to hear from you. Goodbye. Bye.