Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 20

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Hello plebs.. plubs? We're ready reviews you found on the internet and sent to us! To send yours in write to [e-mail] with the subject "Between You and Us" Check out our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello and welcome to between you and us yeah that's right we remembered we did we did a two in a row yeah so suck it everybody uh this is the type of episode that we allegedly do once a month um where we read reviews that you find online and send in to us wow wow that actually is exactly what it is i just stared at you blankly i know usually we need

to like clarify what our words but not this time instead we're just going to talk about how perfect they were and waste time that way perfect yeah so we got a lot lots of emails we get we get plenty my goodness y'all are love this so we're trying to and we love it too so we're trying to keep up with it and yeah we're gonna have some fun so uh do you want me to go first thanks dad you're welcome yeah this is from courtney who says hi zandy and christine love the podcast thanks for the laughs came across this and thought hmm thought I would share if only for the amusement. I wish my thoughts worked that way. My thoughts go all over the place.

I wish they just went. This is quite the hmm review, though. It makes sense. This is what Courtney had to say. This is of the Fleece Breathable Winter Sheets on Amazon. Five star review by lenny soft as wife's pubics my wife loves the sheets crazy cozy and perfect for winter i would recommend no no and she's like what are you doing dan come back to bed why are you sleeping down there on

the other side of the bed? I thought you were saying, I thought this person was in trouble for putting this review. And then they'd be like, honey, it's a compliment, okay? I can't hear you all the way down there. Never mind. What are you saying? Down where? He's sleeping on her pubic hair.

Okay, okay. Next. I'm changing the subject courtney look at that did you hear that sentence that just came out of her mouth that was because of you did i or did i not say i wish my thoughts went hmm and that's it well i do wish that and they don't so perfect example i was like am i missing something why down where i thought you meant like he was sleeping on the sheets just like my wife's pubic hair and she's like david what are you why are you all the way never mind okay i'm gonna stop trying to explain it thank you thank you all right this is a review sent in by janna who uses they than pronouns? Jana says, hello sheepers sisters. A side effect of my

new obsession with your show is that I read reviews for all kinds of businesses in my area. This was one of a locksmith in my town that I probably found more funny than I should have. So this is M.W.'s review of a locksmith. Five stars. Very nice staff. Good service.

A soft ice cream machine on site would be perfect that's a free tip yeah i mean it's free business advice oh my god what a fuck what a strip i wonder if that's on every review they write it just come from golden corral and they were like probably probably nothing compares wow i like that um we've got one here this is uh from annika annika i should have asked i should have asked on it my guess is on me too from idaho annika she her annika sign also signed this email much love from idaho anika potato emoji oh embrace it love it yeah so maybe i'll just say potato she her i'll say potato so potato says i just want to start off by saying i'm obsessed with your podcast love you both i deliver cookies for my job so you guys are pretty much my primary source of entertainment during my shifts i'm surprised that your primary source

isn't eating those cookies because if i were in your position, that would be me. But wow, I'm really glad that you associate it with the smell of chocolate chip because that is beautiful. She says, anywho, I've worked at Chip Cookies in Boise, Idaho and listening to your podcast inspired me to check out some of the reviews we've received and I was not disappointed. So here is a review of Chip Cookies Takeout and Delivery in Boise, Idaho. This is a two-star review. Is there a secret crack den somewhere in Boise where people go before writing positive reviews of these cookies? Seriously, I do not get it. I cannot believe that people are high enough to actually like these cookies. There is not enough weed in the world to make these cookies taste good. I cannot confirm this, but I highly suspect that Chip is making these cookies with cult juice. There's no other way to explain how anyone on planet earth who

possesses a functioning mouth and nose could possibly think these cookies are four or five star worthy, let alone a good value at three dollars. No joke, you could not get me to eat one of these cookies for free. Fuck, I wouldn't eat one of these if you paid me $3, not joking. As for the cookies, overcooked, almost egregiously so, on the bottom. Borderline undercooked in the middle, and less than meh everywhere. The cookies taste meh at best and leave a slightly chalky, sandy feel in the mouth. I wish I could type the barfing emoji in this review. If you have $3 burning a hole in your wallet and are craving a cookie, just go to any local grocery store and get several genuinely

phenomenal cookies from Wildflower Bakery for the same $3, or even Mrs. Fields at the mall, or Otis Spunkmeyer, or even the break and bake crap from the refrigerated section at the grocery store. Trust me on this. Or don't, and go flush your $3 down the crapper. P.S. Cookies are less than one star worthy, but this place is clean and the girl behind the counter was super friendly. So two stars it is. End of review.

Ow. That one hurts, right? It hurts. It hurts it hurts my feelings it hurts and i'm not even a cookie that hurt thanks for that clarification you never know you never know true they'd only hear our voices um wow what if we were just cookies the entire time surprise please don't eat us oh my god people are always like oh you don't look anything like i imagined it's like it's because you're imagining a large white chocolate macadamia nut cookie and in fact we're oatmeal raisin everyone's least favorite oh my god um alexander what on earth like because at first i was like wow this guy wants us to know about all the drugs he's heard of weed crack den uh cult juice i was like wow it was so impressive

and then it just like took so many different turns and annika gave a little bit more um context saying that it's actually a mormon company so her favorite parts were the whole references to cult juice and crack dance oh they're just trying to deliver a nice cookie that's so sad yeah so um this is so sad it was it was too much i mean come on wait you could have just like said these cookies are terrible and that would have been plenty like i get it if you're like i don't like the taste them they're burnt or whatever they're overcooked undercooked and they're not worth three dollars great why on god's green earth did you just spend probably a solid at least 30 minutes writing that if they're so worthless you know

what i mean no i know it's always the uh what's it called? The paradox of Yelp. It's the Yelp paradox, you know? You know? Explain it. Just say yeah, because I don't want to explain it. Yes. This is going to do well. This is our dissertation.

Where you waste so much time on something that you hate so much, but you're just like spending all your time and energy to talk about it and give it more attention. Yeah, that's true. And after reading this review, my thought was, it can't really be that bad. I got to try these cookies. Yeah, no, I'm like, they sound good. Like a little undercooked in the middle. Basically, what he wrote was crisp on the outside, gooey in the center.

But he made it sound really bad. And only three bucks and dripping in cult juice someone in la three dollar cookie that sounds pretty cheap to me thanks potato for sending that in yes potato appreciate you thank you for that what if they're potato cookies that would that would explain a lot christina they gotta do something with all those potatoes in idaho it's true um they never actually that's that's that's the idaho paradox is they never know what to do with they have so many potatoes and they do embrace it but they just never know what to do with them so true and one of them happened to be sent through the email to me here so like that's

one way that annika got rid of a potato she's like here you go delivered hand delivered to your door appreciate it now annika we're not asking for more because i think one is enough so i don't want you to just start offloading all your potatoes onto us actually i do for yourself can you yeah go on our website to our mailbox if you send me some potatoes i am i i changed my mind really quickly well my ex so ally she would get um god here we go that was something she would get was these sweet potatoes from hawaii and you can order them online really yeah you can order like a box of sweet and she got them i loved that i lived with you and i don't know about this well this was when she after she moved out they were delicious hawaiians i that's my story it was just that's it you can just go online

and like google hawaiian sweet potatoes and they are these sketchy websites. It seems sketchy to me. No, but they're so different than regular sweet potatoes. They're like purple. Oh. Anyway, that's my story. Stop offloading your potatoes onto Annika. She has enough. Annika, on their way.

Okay, this is a review of High Performance Car wash 2 inc the sequel the sequel the squeakle um this was sent in by uh madeline she her she says between you and me big fan guys i'm constantly telling my clients to listen to you too uh and we're one of the only redeeming facets of 2020 between you and me and you read it for everyone to hear? Oh, shit. Sorry. Now I've just ruined our trust. Oh, no.

All right, so this is a review, like I said, of the car wash squeak hole. And, oh, by the way, the last line of this is, I adore the Schieffer sisters. Just kidding. The lord and lady of the cast of Pod. Thank you for everything. Wow. That's a new

one just kidding just kidding okay so this is a four-star review by i'm just gonna say jeremy is what it kind of looks like uh of high performance car wash to the squeak wool ink four stars not bad almost knocked a mfr out poor guy he was just asking for a cigarette it was at night and i had my back turned cleaning the car it's one dollar per coin end of review informative almost knocked a motherfucker out it says mfr but you know yeah wink i am oh oh no wink and no wink needed i got it from the tone i do like that they lost a star for that for the fright it was a four star it was a four star oh you know my favorite part though it has one thumbs up and uh it's blue which means uh madeline thumbed up it herself

madeline you got hit like i love that you got caught um okay but like are you sure that the one star wasn't taken off because it it's a coin one dollar coin or one dollar whatever whatever that means one dollar per coin i mean are you sure that wasn't why because maybe maybe some human interactions with this person needed and that's what brought it up to five stars but then the the coinage was an issue but if he took a cigarette from him now he's down a cigarette and down a dollar coin well maybe that's like hey you know what maybe once at the end of this pack i'm gonna try quitting you know maybe that you're right this was a sign i need it i don't know i'm just trying to be positive here it's a uh blessing in the skies sorry we just recorded our idioms challenge i

don't i don't know when this is gonna come out i think that on that other one has already come out by now thankfully so don't worry um they should have heard it if not they're not real fans except for you except for you mr shaky shaky um you know who i'm talking about you know who you are you know who you are oh don't worry everybody we're you don't need to know who it is but it's between you and me wink wink okay uh that mfr am i right um in a good way just asking for a cigarette i just called shaky graves an mfr a master fiddler this is sent in by elizabeth who said who was on facebook and randomly came across this review this is a review of silly poopy um oh my god are you familiar with silly poopy no but i love that they quote unquote randomly came across it it's actually look is that a yeah this is actually a screenshot of their elizabeth's cart

and they're like 12 silly poopies in here weird Weird. Oops. How did that happen? So Silly Poopy is a hide and seek game. It's like a little rainbow poop thing. And it has farting clues. Oh, my God. And you have to find the hide and seek thing. And then it says, kids everywhere will be singing, yippee, yippee, you found Silly Poopy. everywhere will be singing yippee yippee you found silly poopy um what our father our forefathers would be so proud of how far we've come in this day and age really like really truly it's it seems like a joke because it's also it's made by the people who made uh what do you mean okay like that

game yeah yeah but i mean it seems legit, I don't know. Sounds legit. And apparently won some award, Mom's Choice Awards for honoring excellence. I don't know if that's real, but, like, it seems like a joke, but I'm on the actual page for it. Doesn't sound like a joke to me. Anyway, here's a review, a five-star review, verified purchase, titled, Keeps Family Busy for Hours. Oh, okay. My kid loves it, but it kind of pisses me off because my three-year-old is extremely good at hiding it.

She just giggles at me and says, you're not good at this, daddy. So I have to remind her that I bench 175 as my warmup and that she's nowhere near my level of intelligence. Meanwhile, I hear the toy giggling through the walls and ceilings while i have zoom meetings making me think that if she's this good at hiding things at three what will she be capable of hiding at 16 end of review oh my god there's trouble in paradise in this family things are looking not great i'd like to think that this would be me as a dad

just telling my three-year-old they're stupid compared to me i'm like oh yeah get in the garage see how much you can bench i can only do this for 10 more years before you overtake me so let me have this oh my god so sad okay well on that note is this my final one i think so the third so this is actually one more for madeline i decided to read the second one that she sent in because this also going off your review is about a family torn asunder oh no this is a one-star review of is it our family are you do you have something to say right now christina what if it's just a one review of our podcast and someone said you ruined our entire family oh and it was dad oh shit the first okay so the first review that madeline said that i'm about to read is of mars classic insulated tumblers 16 ounce double wall

reusable plastic acrylic clear perfect for parties birthdays customization four pack excuse me what is this product sorry the plastic acrylic tumblers tumblers okay there were so many words in there i couldn't figure out which one was like the keyword that's the amazon paradox they put so many words that you actually don't know what it is last time last time you said something parrot the yelp paradox whatever the second one you said was um i was like okay i'm not gonna comment on it because if i do she's gonna make it a point to do it again actually if you don't i'm gonna continue either way i think we're screwed everyone you're screwed no matter what it's not about you that's the christina paradox you know

shut up okay this is a one-star view by josh well that one actually is uh right that actually makes sense where either you you acknowledge something and she does it more or you don't acknowledge and she does it more so either way you do it more that's they're all they all make sense i don't think only mine makes sense no okay fine this is a review by joshua a verified purchase of these tumblers the title is garbage family ruining war wait garbage family ruining war causing junk tumblers the title is garbage family ruining war wait garbage family ruining war causing junk tumblers avoid garbage family ruining war causing junk tumblers avoid okay whatever we bought these to have smoothies out of in the morning nothing major just some light easy

drinking of delicious processed fruits vegetables and assorted proteins oh god i was gonna say i was gonna stop you and say what's a smoothie but i didn't i don't have to uh i'm glad you stopped me anyway to tell me about how you were gonna ask me about what a smoothie is that's the zandy paradox okay nothing mate but to be clear there's no major smoothie it's just some light easy drink delicious processed listening to Warm 98. Easy listening. Easy sipping. After two days, three of these tumblers split and broke apart.

Two of the lids broke as well. At least the straws didn't break. Unfortunately, since these incredibly cheap tumblers are now completely unusable, my family might never be able to have smoothies again. This will probably lead to infighting between family members, as well as a complete distress of corporate goods market soon we will be wearing tinfoil hats and communicating only through smoke signals and morse code this will probably ruin my family causing us to split into warring factions between who gets the smoothie tumblers and who must drink their smoothie from a common cup like some sort of plebeian

thanks for ruining my smoothies guys avoid. Avoid this product. Prioritize your family. End of review. Jesus. 66 people found this helpful. So how? Okay, I guess it breaks. I love the ones that are sort of like, okay, he's being funny. But then it's like, but it is a verified purchase, meaning he actually did fully purchase this item. So I don't know how much of it is truth and how much of it isn't. Also, is it plebeian or plebeian? I've never heard that second one. Plebeian.? Also, is it plebeian or plebeian? I've never heard that second one.

It's me. Okay. I always said plebeian or plebes. And then on a podcast I was listening to, they said plebeian. And I went, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Well, now we're the president because we said it more recently. We're the president?

The president. So you're saying that, well, I heard it on a podcast, but now people are going to say, well, I heard it said this way on a podcast and it's our podcast. Oh, Alexander, apparently it's plebeian. No, it's not. Oh, it says plebeian. What? Have I just been pronouncing it wrong?

Yes, apparently. Plebeian. Oh, shit. You're right. Oh, Alexander, we've been saying it wrong this whole time. I think it's because you say plebe. Yeah, that's what got me. So it sounds like plebeian.

Okay. I'm going to take solace in the knowledge that we there's no way that we're alone in this with all our listeners it can't be right because i feel like no one's ever corrected me i mean like we are a lot smarter than our three-year-old listeners so and stronger our three-year-old listeners stronger how much can you bench press me like a solid 25 pounds probably really damn i know i've been working out so this one says an alternate pronunciation is plebeian but really it doesn't know that's ours that's it that's it that's it oh that's really bad i've never heard

anyone say i'm glad i said it so that people wouldn't just immediately be like you're saying it wrong and then get us all riled up so we said it for you don't get us riled up stop riling me up um so anyway thank you to uh madeline for changing my life i guess for the worse and yeah you just fucked everything up you're a garbage family ruining war causing junk email could you imagine if we actually disagreed on that and had a huge fight on the podcast about how to pronounce plebeian oh we're gonna have a huge fight but just off of the podcast true true true anyway thank you for that and thank you joshua for your really helpful review oh man yeah that's all we've got for today y'all this was this was nice we'll we'll do more of these for sure we promise we probably probably said that one time that we

stopped doing it for six months, but I don't know. Try to catch us in February. If you want to send your own reviews in that you've found on the internet, send us an email. Beach2Sandy at gmail.com with Between You and Us in the title. Sorry, in the subject, because that's what we call these.

And please don't hesitate to not tell us that we're saying things hold on please hesitate to tell us that we're saying things wrong because uh english is not our first language true hesitate away everyone and just so you know we also want to do more patreon stuff oh yeah we're gonna do another one we're gonna do another patreon bonus episode so check us out on patreon and as well as a youtube q a type thing oh yeah we're gonna do another one we're gonna do another patreon bonus episode so check us out on patreon and as well as a youtube q a type thing oh yeah we're finally figuring out how to do that separately so yeah so we'll do that soon patreon.com slash beach to sandy that's it that's the one talk to you soon everyone thanks for being here bye you plebes.