Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 25

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly we are all connected discover echo from cirque du soleil opens may 8th under the big top at dorado lakeshore boulevard west tickets at cirque du Soleil.com. Echo thinks it's presenting partners' sun life. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast. But I'd give it zero stars if I could. We're recording.

We're here. Oh, are you telling them? Are you telling me? I felt like I didn't give you a heads up last time. We're here. Oh, are you telling them? Are you telling me? I was trying to, I felt like I didn't give you a heads up last time. Hi, everyone. This is another Between You and Us, so I'm not going to do a whole intro thing. This is our bonus episode. This is where we read reviews, where you send in things to our email things. Yeah, and it's great because there are so many of them that they're like never ending, basically.

We can just kind of click on them and laugh and then throw them back your way. We could do these for a couple thousand episodes at this rate. Don't say that out loud to the ether. We just have that many emails. We do have a lot of emails. So thank you and keep sending them because they just, you know, when like in the last episode when, you know, things like Cruella come out, we get all sorts of fun new taser stories. You never know what might happen. You never know.

So, Zandy, how about I start this time? Fine with me. Okay, great. Let me pick one to start with, which I probably should have done. Okay, here we go. This is a good one. So this is from JS. And JS says, sometimes I am genuinely searching for stuff and come across unbelievable reviews that immediately make me think of your podcast. I'm going to be using this email to

start a thread on any good ones I come across. Okay, so maybe I'll just save this star in this particular thread. This one I found, okay, I'm not going to read this description that they sent but i'm gonna um tell you what the product is here it is a rolling pin on amazon adjustable removable multi-colored rolling pin this is a two-star review by an amazon user verified purchase titled why joseph just why am i supposed to know who joseph is yet um you will shortly okay so yeah just allow me to experience this never mind yeah because i had the same thought i thought maybe it was a reviewer let me just give you the heads up it's not the reviewer okay is it something to do with like a Technicolor dream coat or? It's okay. Weirdly enough, the rolling pin has like many different rainbow like extensions.

So I don't know. Maybe. Okay. But I don't think so. Okay. Why, Joseph? Just why? The rolling pin itself is awesome and I really like it. I'm rating it low because honestly, what kind of narcissistic

jerk embosses his name into a rolling pin so that every pie crust or cookie dough has Joseph imprinted on it? Yeah, they failed to mention that in the description. If I meet Joseph, I'm going to tell him off. Jerk face, jerk Joseph. But other than that, it's pretty great to be fair. End of review. That is hilarious. This rolling pin? Yeah. Like you don't see that, but it like apparently embosses the pastries with the name Joseph. That's so funny. I thought that was wildly hilarious. And at first when I read that, I thought- May I ask how much this is?

Is that rude? You know, it's not- Does it say? It's not in the, it's not a link. It's like a screen grab that doesn't have it. But let me see if I can, Josephph multi-color coat rolling pin amazon it looks like 20 bucks yeah that's the one 20 bucks um and yeah you don't really see i don't know it's a block of wood so i don't know wait does it have measurements and stuff yeah like it's a cool looking rolling pin but do you

see how it has the name joseph apparently that imprints itself but you wouldn't even know that really because it looks like it's just kind of part of the this is an interesting design for 20 bucks it seems like really good i know it just cracks me up that now all your pies will say joseph like it'll i feel like it's great if um true if that's your name right like or if you're a big fan of the technicolor dream coat yeah oh my god 16 000 ratings 85 or five stars holy shit this is like the top rolling pin really really really big deal here it's a really big deal. Because there's, you know how they give you

like keywords, read reviews that mention and then it's like easy to use. Sugar cookies, blah, blah, blah. So there's one called Joseph Joseph.

It's one of the tags. Okay. And it's just amazing because I guess that's the name of the brand. Yeah. This is wild.

I don't know why I'm so intrigued by this okay i'm sorry this is uh sorry this is quite the opposite review here this is a five-star verified purchase works great but i did not get the joseph imprint i hoped for this made my cookie manufacturing so easy it's a great product only if you are looking for smooth surface even doughs if you're a fan of it's a great product only if you are looking for smooth surface, even doughs. If you're a fan of It's a Wonderful Life Like I Am and think you will get Joseph imprints, based on a certain review, stop right now.

Do not order. I rolled and rolled and cut all I wanted for Christmas and none had the imprint I hoped for. So it's five out of five for smooth dough. I wonder if it was just a misprint. Maybe. It was like beveled or something like that because it's yeah with that many good reviews i would be surprised if all of them all of these 16 000 people were rolling and just said joseph joseph joseph all over their freaking dough they're like christmas like angels and like christ child like manger scenes oh so

maybe that's it because oh joseph there you go okay you figured it out yeah i don't know if we figured out there's a lot of avenues we're exploring here but um no see somebody else said love it but the brand imprints itself in the dough so like okay it seems to be something that either you don't care about don't notice or maybe doesn't happen on all of them weird but. But I just love that like, oh, this is so good, except I can't get this narcissistic man out of my pie. You know? I know that. Excellent stuff.

I don't know that. Excellent stuff. So thank you, JS. Don't say that again. Okay. Thank you. J? JS.

J for Joseph? Oh, I was like, do you need me to say it again joseph smith of jesus fame all right so this one is from chelsea um look this is more of an ethical question that i'm this is the the reviewer asked a question um about the ethics of a certain game that surround a certain game. The game is Guess Who? And if you're not familiar or don't know what I'm talking about... Then, like, who are you? Then shut this off.

Guess Who? Guess Who is the game where you have all the different faces, different kinds of people, and then you sit across from someone else who has the same board. each draw a card and has a one of one of those faces on it and you have to guess what the other person has and it's process of elimination so you say oh does this person have this the glasses and then if they say they have to answer correctly if they say yes or yes then you put down everyone who doesn't have glasses so it narrows it down red hair etc so anyway here is a three-star review of the game guess who look my boyfriend and i were playing this game and i asked

if his character had white hair and he said no but turns out at the end of the game i was about to win and the character i had guessed was wrong and i was confused turns out his guy was bald but had white facial hair and eyebrows would you any of you consider the character to have white hair end of review so that's our question so i want to i want your thought what a dilemma so let's say we're playing and my character has or let's say your character has bald with white facial hair and eyebrows. If I say, does the character have white hair? What would you say? Yes.

Okay. Right? Because, I mean, he has white hair. It's eyebrow and beard hair, but. I suppose. So I'm actually weirdly feeling differently only because I know a big part of the game is asking if the person has facial hair. So if you say white hair and also because you don't know what they're going to be thinking, that could throw someone off in the other way. That could they could say, does this person have white hair?

Oh, no, this person's bald. So I'm going to put him down. You're right. no, this person's bald, so I'm going to put him down. You're right. So in my opinion, especially because facial hair, like certain characters have facial hair, certain don't, I think you have to be, if you just say hair,

you have to, you're going to, in my mind, it means top of the head hair. Okay. Okay. That's my view. I guess that's fair. I guess if you're, yeah, okay. I guess if you're going to say, does this character have a mustache? Does this person have a mustache?

That's, yeah, its own category. And also if you, yeah, I feel like if you'd ask somebody, are they bald? Yes. Do they have white hair? Yes. That would be a confusing combination okay i get it i mean i'd probably be ticked off if i messed that up or yeah i i don't know i think you just got to be more specific and it's yeah i think in my opinion i think the reviewer uh is not

necessarily right like i would probably not have. I would have been like, yeah, no, they don't have. Or I would have been like, I need you to be more specific. But then that would give it away. So I don't know what I would do. I don't know. Because, yeah, you don't. When you.

What if someone. I don't know. If someone with facial hair that has a different color. I don't know. someone with with facial hair that has a different color the hair i don't know it just yeah at least like you'd say do they have a red beard instead of like yeah red hair for the beard yes yeah that's a good point you know what the can of worms that we're opening here i've been won over and i think maybe this will divide our audience more than any discussion we've ever had um a lot of high stakes here really um just a really loaded commentary yeah but to take it a little bit of a different direction i just want to comment on how i love when um people take guess who and like put their own people in them like either people they

know what i've never heard that i've seen like videos on tiktok oh that's so funny and you can put people you know you can put uh famous people you can do whatever you want like probably character like yeah yeah oh that's so fun because you could get all over you go wild with that like are they human it's like if they're like an exactly you know snoopy i don't know what's not a human. Oh, and there was one. It was like subjective guess who. And it's like they video.

And they're like, would the person vote for Trump? And then they say yes. And then it's like, okay. Oh, wait. That's fun though. It's like certain things like that. That's fun. You'd have to play that with someone whose mind you're like melded with already, I think.

We should try that sometime. I think you and I would be very... That would be hilarious. Creepily good at that. Wow. That's fun. You'd have to play that with someone whose mind you're like melded with already, I think. We should try that sometime. I think you and I would be very creepily good at that. Wow, that's fun. You know, guess who, I guess, has stood the test of time? I remember what I played it the first time in literally preschool. And it was pretty generic and pretty white, if I recall, for the most part. It was. And nowadays, I've played recently at

blaze's parents house also very male too also very male and now i played at blaze's parents house and there are people who are older younger different races it's just so much more i don't know and that makes it more fun because yeah if you act if you in the old game you if you pick pick a woman it's like oh shit okay like there's four there you go it's like one of four so they're either eccentric redhead lady old ladies or it just makes so much more sense for it to be like spread out like more even i agree groups of people anyway this has been a lot about sorry i know i didn't expect that um but that is pretty fun so okay here's one that i have and this was sent in by jordan thank you jordan and so jordan there's a tiny bit of context here because uh jordan first of all uh

i found out listen to our show before and that's why we drink which i thought was funny um because they were too scared to listen to it uh before and then started it during quarantine uh so that's just a fun fact i always get excited when people go the other direction because yeah it's rare it's rare um so jordan now listens to it that's why you drink but said no well it makes me less excited no i'm just kidding instead i was listening to that's where you drink today and you mentioned that em and eva got you a book about a princess saving her virginity or something excuse you so i missed that one hilarious one night they were watching like the duggars or as always and found some book they were discussing some book

that they gave to the children about purity and it's like a princess who like has to save her virginity and it's like this weird fairy tale book and they make the children read it and it's like just so disturbing um and so em was like immediately em and eva were like oh we should mail one to christine because i just moved away and they were like well she's not here with us so we'll just send her a copy which i was like i don't need how is it i was like i can't believe you're like sending 15 to this publisher that's another thing though i was not thrilled about that so just fyi but uh so it got to my house i was thoroughly like thoroughly confused there's no because there was no note or anything there's no description like nothing no context and i was like

this is the creepiest and i was like i'm also married like this is the creepiest. And I was like, I'm also married. Like, this is the weirdest thing to get. So anyway, Jordan said, I mean. But it wasn't to your P.O. box. It was to your house. Oh, yes. It was to my house. So at least you knew it wasn't like some listener who was like making some weird hint. Who was troubled for me or something.

It was actually someone you knew personally. And there definitely are people who try, as you know, to bring us back onto the right path. Yeah. Path of Christ. try as you know to bring us back onto the right path yeah path of christ uh but this was definitely i felt a personal attack from a friend who knew my address and uh so jordan says i immediately felt traumatized because i believe my parents gave me this book as a child it's been hidden in the back of my mind for at least a decade but now you've brought it back sorry uh so here's some reviews okay this first one what's the book called uh oh geez it's not written here um i'm gonna do princess virgin book virginity children's book oh yikes this is not why

are there so many oh here it is the princess and the kiss a story of god's gift of purity i mean it's disturbing it's disturbing and then when i got pregnant i was like i need to get this out of my house so people don't think i'm like preparing my children such good ratings on goodreads i'm telling you i don't know oh my gosh but i'm about to read you some I don't know. Oh my gosh. But I'm about to read you some, so don't even worry. I'm sorry. So I'll start off with, let's see. I'll start off with a one star by Amazon customer. I read this book as a kid.

So sorry, the title is Does Not Work. I read this book as a kid and i loved it so much i'd love to give it five stars but i ended up having lots of premarital sex so this book does not work and then a colon emoji uh then there's a one star by bradford called huh this is seriously one of the weirdest books I've ever read in my entire life. I'm definitely not letting my kids have it until they thoroughly understand sex. The metaphor is far too complex for the minds of the age group that this book was published for. There's no way in hell I'm letting my daughter grow up thinking that her virginity is a glowy orb in a glass case.

End of review. So wait, was it... Huh. So this book was too hmm so i think what they're saying is i need my child to know how to keep themselves pure but this is too convoluted of a message but this is okay this is not the way to do it this is not the way so also not really my mindset but um also use the word hell in the review, which I thought was a little bit odd considering the approach. Yeah, true. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Good point, good point, good point. I mean, I do appreciate that they're not going to try and let their daughter think that their virginity is a glowy orb in a glass case, because I really don't think that's going to end well for anybody.

Okay, now, finally, we have a five-star review. This is one of those redemptions that isn't a redemption. It's a five-star review this is one of those redemptions that isn't a redemption it's a five-star review by brendan verified purchase the title is the antidote to oh no the antidote to despair give this to any girl or boy below the age of 10 and you are giving more than just a book but just possibly a way out of the despair that has destroyed families since the 1960s free love revolution this book teaches children what is important in love and is a perfect antidote to the poison that most young minds are exposed to on a daily basis later as adults they may remember the lessons of

this book and perhaps avoid the disastrous decisions that ruin young lives end of review literally that's the attitude that ruins young lives yeah that is exactly virginity is something to be held so pure and everything i mean that is such as mentally for kids to have that is just so it's awful it's all very twisted and like it's so controlling in my opinion not a safe way to approach the subject with a child is like it's a you're a princess and someone's trying to steal it from like it sounds just so much there's a lot more morality involved i mean it's just really careful this prince that shows up might not be like the one you end up with forever so therefore

yeah i don't know it puts so much pressure and so much strain on people i'm sure on these young people's relationships and everything uh the fear i can't even talk about harmful yeah yeah yeah yeah so i mean yeah at least this is the ant also the antidote to despair is like the most dramatic way of saying like hey here's a good way to teach your kids not to have sex too young the antidote to despair i don't know but what the fuck okay this is so messed up this is so messed up it's just a lot of thoughts um yikes and the idea of that like purity yikes okay okay thank you jordan yeah thank you jordan let's move on i like how jordan was like i immediately felt traumatized now it's back so i mean i see why and then we just traumatized so many more people i do apologize for that to be

fair i was this is my first time being traumatized i wonder if i still have it i assume i got rid of it uh but like donated it no i don't think i would have donated it no fuck you i really don't think i would have donated it i probably no christina i'm the last person to throw out a book but the only books i've ever thrown out were very toxic ones that i got from family members who i guess were well meaning but where i was like we don't need to spread this message i have a side note about throwing books away or something or doing whatever to books um have you seen those i keep bringing up tiktoks i'm sorry this is my where i get my culture um have you seen the tiktoks where people talk about how people are too nice to their books like not too nice but saying like oh hey look it's paper

whatever just do what you want and so they'll rip pages out when they're not they're like yeah sometimes with the book i'll just rip each page out as i go once i'm done with it um they write all over them and then like literally they showed they'd throw away the dust cover um and then this one person wrote like they needed to write a note down so they used their book cover and they wrote down i don't know if it was a grocery list or something something completely random on the front of their book that gives me so much anxiety i can't even i don't know if it stems from buying textbooks i don't know if it stems from just like dad's insistence that we don't like touch our books with pens or yeah i don't know yeah i i i don't know i like to now make books my own if i can like write in them

and sometimes like notating and marking pages i'm not quite at ripping the pages out as i go but i respect it weirdly i respect it a lot i guess i do but also i'm like i feel like we live not to be that guy but we live in such a wasteful culture like if you're gonna finish a book and tear the pages out you might as well like donate it or give it to somebody who might read it i don't know i suppose that's like that's just like trashing something well you can use it for kindling or something i don't know kindling yeah that's the same as throwing it in the fire yeah so what what's wrong with throwing a book in a fire well there's a lot of not necessarily

historical layers okay well yes you won't get okay i'm saying right now if i had a book that was like what if i had a book about my virginity and okay that's what i'm saying is i got rid of the two books ever that i was like i don't feel like this will benefit others. But otherwise, it's like, you should donate it. You should give it to a public library. You should give it. Because our library sells books for, I think, like a nickel. And so you can go in and buy books for a nickel. And you can drop yours off.

And they'll just have them out for sale. Yeah, but there's so many, like, OK, I don't know. Yeah, I think it's wasteful just before you do anything with it. Like the way that we produce things anyway well obviously yeah but i feel like the the notion of like well you might as well just but that's the thing but this person is like using it in their way and like writing on it doing it like it's getting a lot of use i don't care how you use it right like if you're gonna use it and keep it but i feel like if you're done with it i feel like there's better ways to dispose of things well it's like instead

of a bookmark they just so they're not wasting a bookmark at least instead they're just ripping the pages oh thank god that that changes everything anyways sorry for that side note um here's a here's an email nobody cares they're like please nobody of us cares oh my god here's here's uh here's an email from lindsey Lindsay who sent in some reviews and said, Hello, I wanted to thank you guys for making me laugh every week. My dad owns his own business, so I've been raised to roll my eyes at self-important internet reviews from a young age. People can be actually absolutely ridiculous. I was looking for places to go for an upcoming Tampa vacation and I found this country

music bar called Dallas Bull here are my favorite one star reviews this was sent in by the way June of 2019 so hope you're both listening this was almost exactly two years ago this was sent in so I hope you had a wonderful Tampa vacation

and then a wonderful no vacation for a long time it's been a weird time since you sent this in. Here's a one-star review of Dallas Bull in Tampa, Florida. This is by Steve. How many country songs actually have a line dance to it? Apparently all do. We got here at 9 p.m.

and there have been three songs without a line dance to it. O-M.G. Now here it is 1130 and yet another song and another line dance. Fuck. My. Life. Line dance, line dance, line dance. Come on, guys. Clear the floor for those of us that want a couples dance. Oh yeah, I love older country songs

but to play another song with a line dance come on dj i paid 20 for us to go out and country dance together and we just have to dance crunched up in a corner what the fuck end of review oh no i don't know if i feel bad for this person or what i mean honestly it's like weirdly probably a valid complaint i don't really know much about line dancing or going out to dance it's not something i normally do uh so i could see why that's regular country dancing you know what i mean like a couple's country dance like uh you're i don't know actually wait you know what i mean like yeah i think swim dance swim dancing i think swing dancing is also like with a part or you know you don't need a partner

you bring along but like i think you do swing dancing yeah isn't oh no line dancing i'm sorry so maybe he's trying to swing dance maybe i don't know i don't know anything about country dancing um if if you ask me about country dancing i would say oh yeah you mean line dancing right so exactly i don't know maybe it's lined i assume line dancing is like pretty easy i've never done it not easy but like it's it's structured so you could probably pick up you can pick up on it and it's like clear what you do right i could be wrong i don't really understand it positive but i mean but maybe they play a lot of line dance songs because it's more accessible to people i don't know though or maybe uh they just like those songs uh either way i'm sorry you had a bad time reviewer um i yeah i don't know it doesn't sound i know i hope you find a country bar that has more florida georgia line

like i don't i don't know while they're in florida so there't know what would not be line dancing material I don't I honestly legitimately don't know so appreciate your honesty thank you I do want to know what three songs were not lined in like if everything else was line dancing like like hurt by Johnny Cash or something like really depressing exactly like these three are no-goes uh i'm so curious what those three songs were maybe you should find a place that just specifically plays those songs and then stick with that there you go oh boy okay let's see what i have here this is a review sent in by danny thank you danny who says thanks for making such a hilarious show i don't even remember how i found this review but i figured you'd get a laugh out of it even though it does insult alex's beans no not my beans best

danny i love beans so this is a review of horace greeley high school and it's a review and it mentions beans okay it's a review by matt okay matt well let's hear what you have to say three stars it was good and all until i legit saw somebody voluntarily eating beans in the cafeteria with no shame this really how it be shaking my head and that's it they were just eating beans that's the problem i was in there with no shame with no shame when you i thought you're gonna say no shirt and then i was like yeah that's a little weird but then you said no shame it's like well yeah how else would no shirt no shoes no shame uh yeah what i guess if you're eating beans in high school you're gonna be that guy that's so sad though

yeah but you would know that like you would you and i would have made fun of someone who ate beans in high school look i it still is sad because it is very sad so they're just and i'm not saying we should have made fun of a kid eating beans but i'm just saying you know what i mean i feel like it's just a high school environment like you're gonna get crap for something like that for eating beans i wish you weren't i need to go on a campaign across the country you don't actually go to all the different high schools i'm sure this is not what danny intended this is not what danny intended um you know what i'm gonna say you know what my lecture my lecture is gonna be called to reach the youths what beans be bussin i'm done with this i quit also just a heads up if a weird old man with purple hair shows up to a

high school with a bunch of like young teenagers and pre-teens or whatever and is like beans are cool like you're gonna do the you're gonna get this kid bullied more than they already are that's fair um and i only say old man in relation to like 13 year olds not that was so nice of you to call me an old man as a 30 year old you're older than i am so i'm fully embracing my elderliness at this point but um i just love that the high school was great it was good and all like it was totally good and then things just really oh no and that day so plummeted two stars that is so sad yeah so anyway thank you danny thank you danny um i forgive you oh my god i just realized this subject is between you between

you and us warning bean slander oh my gosh i think i saw that and i couldn't even bear to click it was too much for you i wouldn't have put that on you no okay my next one is from angel she her uh says hi guys just found your show a few weeks ago and i'm starting this amazing journey from the beginning i'm on episode 26 alex just got his bowl cut sorry if this brings back painful memories uh this was sent back in december so maybe you're caught up oh my goodness uh anyway i found this and thought you'd enjoy it not caught up so I don't know if it has already been submitted. I don't think so. This is an interesting sort of review. This is a Tumblr post, but it's a USPS.com request where someone had a problem with mail and their mail was delayed.

So they sent in this. They submitted this sort of ticket. And there's additional details. How late was your mail over seven days type of mail package uh and then here is what they wrote in additional information i paid 110 for priority and it took eight days to get my parcel from downtown San Francisco to the San Francisco airport, a distance of 14.8 miles. A turtle could have done that in four days. Seriously, I looked it up. An ordinary box turtle cruises 0.17 miles per hour. It could make it from the Rincon Center post office to the cargo terminal of SFO in 87 hours. The United States Postal Service took 179 hours to make the same trip. And I had to wait in line at the post office.

There is no line at the turtle store. I could have popped in, bought a turtle, strapped the parcel to its shell, and it would have gotten there in less than half the time. Can I get a refund here? A partial refund? A complimentary box of turtle food? Anything? End of review.

This reviewer beat me to every joke. Yeah, you were like, probably though. I was like, yeah, well, maybe you should look up the ratio of, and then they were like, no, I literally calculated. The math. And then I was like, yeah, or a refund or like a turtle cage. It was like turtle food. I mean, they really got it.

They've thought this out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A, that blows because that's expensive. And just delayed mail is the worst. But B, I mean, I feel like you have a lot of faith in this turtle idea. I mean, I feel like you have a lot of faith in this turtle idea, but I think you would need to really sit down and map out the logistics because the turtle would need some water breaks. I'm sure there are some bridges at San Francisco. And not to mention the ethical implications of using a turtle in this way.

Ethical implications. Turtle labor is pretty highly regulated in this country. As it should be. like pretty highly regulated in this country. Yeah, as it should be. And I feel like it won't, you know, how do you communicate to the said turtle? Like, why couldn't you have just driven it there faster? Also, also a very good point.

Hold on. You know what the problem is? The problem here is if in their review they had said, I could have done this faster, everyone would have said, well, then why didn't you? You're completely 100% right. So no one's going to say, well, then why didn't you use a turtle? Because it's a ridiculous concept. It's also way more impressive to say a turtle could do this faster in a literal way. Exactly.

Yeah. You're right. You're completely right. I know. They probably did think like mother i could have definitely driven this up in like an afternoon wow although i guess you can't really like get to the airport and in the airport and do all that probably with security so i don't know how you actually deliver bring in a package and say i have a delivery in this brown package

for the airport like you probably don't want to trust the usps mail and they'd be like um well that's already alarming even if you didn't explain why you don't trust them uh i also don't know that a turtle though would get much further like perhaps but i'm not sure i don't know if that's ever i don't know i i remember the time this is somewhat not related remember that time you left my backpack at the airport and they had to call those they brought the dogs out to sniff it you realize like as we got home i forgot his lo bean backpack at the airport i'd like set it down and we had walked away this is a very christine move obviously and then we i came back to go get it and they told me that they had to get the bomb squad their bomb bomb squad got the sniffing dogs to come out and like sniff it before they like surrounded

this little green backpack it was so sad yep oopsie anyway that's my so a turtle i think maybe to make the point that we'll just put it at maybe i wouldn't necessarily put your turtle through that you know maybe try and squeeze a free box of turtle food out of this yeah that's that though like if you can get some free food out of it go for it for your turtle um okay so this is an email from kat who uses they them pronouns thank you kat uh kat says i am a fairly new listener but i love the pod i have attached a review for relighting birthday candles yes i saw this review and yes i still bought the candles so here is a review and it's gonna have a photo so i'm gonna send this to you right afterward and i don't want you to look at it uh until i finish the review because it just is kind of like

i hesitate to say icing on top on the cake because like that's literally what it is but too late this is a one-star view on the target website like that's literally what it is but too late. This is a one-star view on the Target website of these relighting candles. Bought these for my own cake. They were displayed above eye level and I did not see the relighting label that was under the plastic. Seriously too dangerous. Lit these and they started sparking blue flames. I tried smothering the candles and they would not go out. I finally had to pour water on a $40 gluten-free cake. Thanks, Target. Please color code these or something.

We are very tired people trying to make it through life's expectations. Oh, that guy really was like, what? Just look at the photo. I'm ready for it. The photo is really bad oh my god that's hilarious i'm sorry that this happened and i'm not kidding this cake fucking burned like oh my god it is like remember that does anyone remember that look how many candles they put on it that's the problem i mean are those all candles those like yes the the dark

things that are hunched over those are all that's a lot the problem is it looks like they put like 30 of these candles on here on a pretty compact space yeah like that i don't know i think i have a fear of uh relighting candles so of like the ones that re-spark so i very carefully check the packaging every time but i understand why you wouldn't common thing though yeah why would and also you not only purchased it so you managed to like when you bought it but then when you opened them like there were multiple times you could have noticed i would think right that they were relighting candles but i don't know i don't know what it looks like what the label looks like yeah sure but so maybe i shouldn't judge but um yeah yeah that is just to have to dump water that is sad that is

unfortunate that's another moment of like do i sacrifice okay the taser woman was a different story but for this one it's like do i sacrifice this beautiful cake or do i let the house burn down i mean you just gotta sacrifice the cake it's so sad yep uh smothering the candles okay that's the other part i tried smothering the candles and they would not go out so clearly that's why this looks like such a wreck probably because it's so many well i think because this person tried to smother them yeah oh i yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. It didn't work. Yes, it probably made it worse.

Which looks like when all the chaotic melting and burning happened, and then they just dumped water on the whole thing. Yep, yep. What a sad, what a sad day. Yeah. My goodness. What a sad day. My goodness.

That photo just tops it all off. It's pretty heinous uh i don't know if anyone remembers the s'mores pizza from uh guy fieri's s'mores pizza or whatever from costco it like looks pretty similar to that it's very unfortunate like very inedible and unpleasant i guess and like burned to a crisp so anyway thank you cat i appreciate that uh that sad sad review and uh that with that that was the last i had cool i've got one more here great this is from emma who says i love your show and what you do i have a short but sweet review of an erotic cookie book don't ask why i happen to be looking at it. I will not, Emma. But I hope you had a better experience than this person.

This is the Cookie Sutra, an ancient treatise that love shall never grow stale nor crumble. And on the cover of the book, there are two gingerbread people engaging in lewd acts with one another uh both grinning so it at least appears consensual okay which is very important so here is a review though this is a one-star review by jennifer uh titled bitter cookie verified purchase i have nobody to use the book with end of review it's so sad oh no it's so sad wait did it say verified purchase yes okay because i was like maybe it was a gift from like an from like kind of a rude petty aunt or something but like no they brought it for themselves presumably presumably yes or or maybe they hopefully bought it for somebody else and then amazon emailed how was your purchase and they're like oh i can't use it with anyone else so that's why yeah but i don't know you'd

be like oh my friend really liked it yeah so maybe they got it and then we're reading it like oh and did you realize they called themselves their title is bitter cookie so they're talking about themselves oh i didn't get it yeah at first i didn't make the connection like when i look at this i think is it is it actually like i don't know what to expect from this but in when i looked at it like now i don't really understand what the book is after reading that review at first i was like are we just like this is just recipes like is it recipes is silly cookies and different so emma we might need um you know what oh my gosh no you know what it is what no clearly i don't see that oh my god what i really think it is like it has all the poses and the names and everything but instead of people they use cookies

oh so it's an instructional manual yes with cookies i believe so it's like the joy of sex or like the actual kama sutra but yeah with cookies um yep yikes so maybe they bought it thinking like oh these are some fun pictures or like yeah there's some fun recipes there's a review that is titled not a cookbook where this person thought it was a cookbook they gave it four stars at least but basically it's kama sutra with uh cookie figures yeah that does get a little blurred there i feel like i feel like but they have two recipes at the end of the book okay something i Something, I guess. I know. It's a very niche book.

Like you'd have to. It definitely sounds like a gag gift, you know, or like a bachelorette gift or something like kind of cheesy. But wow. I don't know, man. I don't know. But that's what we're ending on, Emma. Emma, I hope you at least enjoyed it. I know we said we're not going to ask.

Nope, I'm not. You know what said we're not gonna ask nope i'm not you know what you're right alexander we're not gonna ask uh but i hope that your experience went well and i hope you are not a bitter cookie yes i hope you are a sugar cookie with just so much happiness yes everyone that goes for all of you all of you wonderful people so anyway thank you i'm not and on that there you go you get what you wanted you got your between you got what you wanted that we fucked up sorry it was so late yeah sorry it's late and uh just keep an eye out for the patreon bonuses that we're gonna do as well and then hopefully if i can get my computer fixed up which i should know by the end of this week

then uh we will hopefully have even more yes to give you. The lost episodes. The lost episodes. And so if you go to our Patreon.com slash BeachySandy, that is where you can join and hear the bonus episodes. Yes. They're always a lot of fun because we kind of just... Goof off. Goof off.

Not that we take this really seriously during the regular episodes, but you know what we mean. Okay. Well, we will talk to you like probably really soon. Yep. Bye. Okay. Well, we will talk to you like probably really soon. Yep. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.