Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 27

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

The devil smiles as another bonus episode is released. Check out our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hi everybody it's between you and us this is the episode where we read reviews that you emailed us that are about really anything anything at all and it's always on the last of the month practically practically on purpose totally on purpose not due to uh on purpose totally on purpose not due to

procrastination that's the word I'm just going to read one this is from our friend Liz before they catch us on a lie or something yeah like me calling Liz our friend we're trying to avoid

calling ourselves out who is this liz's witch friend there's multiple liz's and i know the the the cincinnati liz yeah liz liz the liz the og liz uh the og liz this the liz i went to school with there we go how about that um so uh liz stumbled on us uh and i was i think there when she did this like snapchat memory from five years ago um and it was oh she sent me that too but i don't think i watched it of a printer review okay so this is her it's a review that she found of the awful printer that she had in college. Oh, maybe you told me about it. Maybe, I don't know.

Okay, sorry. So this is a review and this is of the Epson Workforce 520 Color Ink Jet All-in-One. Okay. In parentheses, C11CA78241. Oh, that one. Yeah, that one. I remember. If that helps, if that rings any bells.

Here is a review, a one-star review by Kathy. And the devil smiles as another one of these is given to some poor soul. In the deepest corner of hell, the devil has a workshop where he fashions this printer from the tears of little children and the anguish of widows. Whenever an Epson Workforce 520 is completed, demons throw confetti into the air and the devil smiles as another one of these is given to some poor soul. Quite frankly, this thing isn't even worth being used as target practice for a 1911 or a Desert Eagle.

The printer worked well when I first received it. I had no issues at all, but now it won't print out PDF files at all. Or PowerPoint slides. Every time I try to do so, it gives me a printer network error received it. I had no issues at all, but now it won't print out PDF files at all or PowerPoint slides. Every time I try to do so, it gives me a printer network error after printing out a quarter of a page. Then after restarting the printer, like it tells me to, the same issue keeps happening. I print out a test page and it's fine. A second later, I print out a PDF file and the issue happens again. I don't understand this. The network is fine. The printer will give me pages after pages of plain black text from Microsoft Word, but God forbid I need to print in color from a PDF file.

The printer also jams easily. You sneeze, cough, or twitch and it's assigned to the printer that it needs to jam. I'm only thankful that I didn't buy this printer myself, but after seeing the price, I'm disgusted with how much it costs. This is not worth $300 at all all hundred dollars end of review holy moly absolutely uh wow yeah that the beginning with the devil that kind of scared me well yeah i was like you're using a lot of very scary words here yeah the devil smiled like whoa whoa whoa yeah um i don't even think this person's wrong like i believe them oh yeah i don't want this printer it's a very big printer thing you know printers suck and yeah this included a tweet it's okay he's not talking about you i am a printer over there no um this is a tweet that liz found that also

kind of has she researching this printer on twitter no she said uh because as you know i have a twitter problem yeah i love her twitter though here is a uh tweet by ron we r-o-n-n-u-i underscore uh and their name is ron yver uh they're they're like i need to fit every pun i can uh and here is their tweet everyone's talking about how 3d printers are the future but we need to slow down i don't think we really nailed 2d printers yet let's not get ahead of ourselves literally we can't such a good that's such a good point. That's such a good point. I've never heard someone go like, wow, I love my printer. It's the best. Right?

I mean, I'm sure that exists just because the bare minimum is pretty impressive on a printer. I mean, I guess. And yeah, every printer probably has some positive reviews on Amazon or wherever you buy your printer. I feel like if you finally find a printer where you're like, it's working, that's like cause for like the devil. That's true though. You're right about the bare minimum. Yeah.

Yeah. So I feel like there's never like an over the top, like this thing is amazing and worth $300. 3d printers are the future. I don't know about that either. That was pretty good. That is funny. So, okay, let's see what I have here.

Oh, here we go. So a lot of my Between You and Us Today just, I don't know, incidentally, coincidentally, have to do with owner responses. So that's kind of my theme here. Oh, interesting. So this is sent in by Amy, who says, i've been researching house cleaners in san diego where i live and uh anyway researching house cleaners is stressful but the overall reviews are what i'd expect for cleaning service a mix of good and bad but this one it's it's not the review it's the owner response so i'll read the review and then read the response okay one star by sammy i don't

like posting negative reviews but the owner has really given me no other choice not only did he completely forget to schedule my cleaning and almost never showed up but the job wasn't fully done and he refused to make it right his condescending and rude attitude was enough for me to post this review with corresponding images as a landlord i hired his team to do a deep cleaning of my property before the next tenant moved in. I didn't have time to thoroughly check the home before the maids left, but trusted they would do a good job based on the positive reviews. A week after the cleaning, the tenant moved in and immediately notified me of the dirty oven that had cleaning residue all over the stovetop and looked as though it was never cleaned on the inside. I immediately called the owner, Victor, and he had the worst attitude I've ever experienced

from a business owner and had no interest in resolving the issue. I understand it may have been an oversight on their part, but I would have expected more understanding and a resolution on his part. I have since hired another team to clean the oven alone. So here's a response by Victor. Okay, Victor, what you got for us? Business owner.

We all make mistakes, but the beauty... Oh, dear dear victor it's not what you expect we all make mistakes but the beauty in business is that we get to try again and learn more in order to become better and therefore provide better services and just be a super awesome company all around thank you for your kind feedback mighty mighty maids smiley face it's just like did you miss the point i i think they missed the the review they actually wanted to respond to and uh click the wrong one or something holy cow he writes it like in like stanzas like a poem we all make mistakes enter enter but the beauty in business is that we get

to try again it's like wait wait wait hmm the beauty in business is that we get to try again it's like wait wait wait hmm beauty and business is this the attitude that she got on the phone because i feel like she had would that would frustrate me it would piss me off i was complaining about something and they said hey we all make mistakes we all make mistakes it's like beauty and business what are you saying stop are you reading poem? And they just keep going and going. Be a super awesome company all around. Yeah, I love how Victor compliments his own company in response to a negative review. Hey, optimism.

Thank you for your kind feedback. Yeah. So anyway, that's one. Thank you, Amy. Thank you. And speaking of poetry, here's a review sent to my Ann, she, her, who sent in a review of an apron from Headley and Bennett. I think they sell aprons because at the top of the screenshot, there's a little bar that says free mask with every apron.

So I guess that's their thing. It's an apron company. This is a five star review titled I wear this everywhere. This is by Tanya. H&B love poem. Oh, deep tie dye sapphire, you absolute stunner. I wear you in the summer. I wear you in the summer. I wear you in the fall.

I wear you all winter, even shopping at the mall. Your fabric is perfect. You always get it just right. I love how the pattern makes me look like a disco light. Your pockets are functional. I use them for lots of stuff. Cooking, gardening, the hidden solidified piece of mac and cheese. It's always enough. The fit is just right. It makes me feel like a queen. Thank you, H and B. It's always a dream. End of review. Okay.

I mean, the solidified mac and cheese and feeling like a queen don't seem to go hand in hand in my book but i guess whatever works for you apparently this has an option to give a thumbs down because it has 40 thumbs up and nine thumbs down that's so rude who are these meanies that's so rude a quarter of these people are that's really rude i didn't notice that until just now what who does that poem does not meet my this apron poem does not meet my expectations i'd love though that there's i now know that there's a an actual like premium apron site it sounds pretty premium to me i have no functional reason for it but i the fact that it exists is just i mean you could wear it so interesting to me everywhere i don't know if i will or would and wait can i wear it in the summer do you think in the fall do you think she wears

it with the matching mask so she just looks like real kooky maybe you get the matching mask because that you do kind of have to wear everywhere there is a they do have an apron quiz no they don't yes where it's you take a quiz like a personality yeah and it says what's your cooking style of choice oh my god grill and chilling baking up a storm or saute all day and then you do uh which which style neutral or colorful and bold and then your favorite tool to use like grilling dutch oven i like dutch ovens personally um and then is your style timeless on trend or rugged i'm probably i'd say i'm on trend i'm definitely rugged between those three if you had to choose between the colors you'd choose and they just give you a bunch of colors um for these i'd probably choose green i guess i don't want to sign give you my email i don't care i'm not buying an apron hey i'll pull

someone's email from the inbox hold on oh don't get me wrong though i would wear the shit out of this thing do you want um do you want amy's email no okay they have so many pockets okay i'm done does it look like a disco ball i would if i wore it anyway i'm so sorry okay well here we go this is a review sent in by ali she her longtime listener first time emailing i hope so i found this when i was looking up for my pigeon challenge my pig boy challenge and uh allison says i found it while perusing reviews of places in pigeon forge for misspellings of the word pigeon so this isn't about this is not what it didn't fit your challenge but it's good for between you and i's got it yep it is of wedding bell chapel and even has an owner response so

we got another owner response here one star by sally though i'm sure this chapel is beautiful i've seen it however the reverend we paid for a wedding and my fiance and i broke up meanwhile i had the reverend on my facebook he blocked me and kept the paid in full money spent so now i'm re-engaged i will be using a different chapel because he can't be bothered to even talk to me how about friday can you squeeze me in wait wait wait they said we they would use a different chapel unless you can squeeze what but then they all want it so they said they want to use somewhere else because of their bad experience there but they want to be squeezed in on friday yeah uh yeah yeah okay here's a response from the owner we wish you all the best please understand your wedding was booked two and a half years ago in 2016 we have rescheduled your wedding

time more than once however we will still honor your money paid toward a new ceremony all we want is for you to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. Thank you for your understanding. Wow. So, okay. So they put in a deposit. Yes. And they want the deposit back because it never happened. But the place was like, you can still get married here.

The place was like, we want it to happen. You're just rescheduling it every time. Oh, my Lord. I love that the Reverend blocked her on Facebook. That's hilarious. She's probably messaging him over and over again yeah um i'm re-engaged so i mean wow good luck with that yeah good luck i hope it all sounds like they just want you to be happy and live life to the fullest you know that's what i think that's what i that's what i want for you i want that too

and for myself um my next one this is from uh caitlin she her sheifer uh who sent in a review of the bug assault rifle oh dear have you heard of those wait didn't we used to have one of those i don't think no no we definitely did not we had an assault rifle though a different kind did not have an assault rifle my goodness oh i thought you were like what are you talking we had one type of assault rifle i don't remember what it was called ar 15 14 ar 15 ar 15 14 i don't remember okay i killed a few bugs with it i killed more than some bugs you have great aim um so yes for those who don't know this we had a suction one it's different a suction one where you suck the bug into it the tube ew yes we had that at wolper ew that's what i'm saying ew i'm not saying i don't believe you but it's great because then you can put them outside oh really yes you suck it in

there that's nice then never mind i don't understand how this thing works. It's like a big vacuum and you go whoop and then you take the lid off, put them outside. Oh, nice. Okay, that's good. I like that. But yeah, so for those who don't know, this is something where you put salt in this weird little like gun. Oh, salt.

Like salt, salt. Yeah, bug a salt. B-U-G space A space salt. Salt a bug, but it doesn't work for the plan words that way. What? Salt a bug. No, bug assault. Bug assault, but it's spelled S-A-L-T like salt.

Yeah, but you should be saying you're salting the bug. Salt a bug. You're also assaulting the bug by killing it with salt. Right. So it should be a salt bug. Since we haven't gotten through this yet okay let's just read it this is what i'm trying to tell people is this is the bug a salt is a is a name of a brand name of a plastic gun used to kill soft-bodied insects by hitting them with salt particles horrifying

yes you literally put salt in there and shoot it the fuck at bugs that's so dark it's so fucking creepy and gross um um i want my bug vacuum back um i it's something that whatever but anyway here's a q a the question asked was what could someone possibly i'm like i don't even know where we're going with this can it be used on robins what yeah good luck try it put some salt on a bird and see what happens oh my god that's it so here's a couple of the answers. Someone said songbirds are protected under the Migratory Bird Act of 1918. You can be fined up to $15,000 and or be sentenced to jail up to six months. Okay, but so are they're saying it's going to work, right?

They're answering the question saying, yes, this will work on bugs, but you'll go to jail. They're avoiding the question. They don't want to. They're just saying, warning them like, hey like hey be careful don't get caught doing this okay so it is it is seems like it would be effective against robins based on this person's reply i guess i guess that's a good point yeah so you're saying like because they're warning them of this it's like yeah if you do this it will work and you will get in trouble right the person doesn't seem to be concerned with the legal ramifications they just want to know this salt thing will work on a bird and then someone

said as seasoning yes oh ew don't eat a robin either um i yeah i don't i think eating birds is bad in general and then here is um the answer with the most thumbs up. No, you psycho. Speaking for all of us. Thank you, dear user. Yeah. For taking the time out of your day. No, you psycho. That's the, I mean, the person who's like,

you'll get arrested. It's like, no, don't even give them this. Like, don't give them the time of day on this. Just be like, please sit down. People are so fucking weird. Oh my God god the good news is you do have to wait like three days after you have to like go through an evaluation unless you're in texas but you have to like go through get a bug

assault evaluation yeah yeah perfect because people like this i mean i wonder how much that hurts i don't know i don't know how fast i mean if it's enough to kill it's just hitting i don't know if it would actually kill a robin unless you're close like there's no way that you can actually kill like shoots out with like force it seems like it just puts salt on a bug and kills it because of the salt right no wait what really no salt doesn't kill i just think of fly or something um why is it salt then because it's like these particles and it's like a shotgun like that's horrible yeah what do you think this is i thought it was like salt like it was gonna like melt them no the whole point shrivel them like a slug if you need that like a

a gun to shoot slugs yeah don't don't shoot no it's it's don't shoot a songbird like their thing is insect hunting as sport has entered the 21st century with bug assault insect hunt this is the world's worst episode of shark tank apparently yeah it literally so yeah you can um this is horrifying but someone said you can also use it while cooking if you don't like boring old salt shakers you could just use it to like shoot your food with the salt get a bug vacuum um but yeah so apparently it does actually work oh my god and yeah anyway let's move on from buckets fantastic um so i have another response from owner review here. I just can't stop myself.

This is from Hannah, who said, I've just started your podcast from the beginning and can't stop listening. I used to work at a pizza buffet where the owner, I guess, I'm not going to quote Hannah, but she's maybe not the greatest person. I don't know. So it's called Double Daveaves in keller texas uh and this is a review and then i'll read the response as we always do

never changes two stars by stan if i were just reviewing the food it would have been a higher rating for a buffet it tastes pretty good however you're risking your health by visiting this restaurant it's filthy everywhere i looked it was dirtier in disrepair washing your hands won't help as the table sneeze guard and utensils are all dirty take a look at the picture i attached need i say more okay here's a response from owner thanks stan for pointing this out to us also so glad you like the food i guess it is time to repair i guess your health would be in jeopardy if you touched it and then stuck it in your mouth you really shouldn't do that anymore as for the bathrooms they're professionally sanitized every week by a professional service that's why you will

never have an offensive odor when using our bathrooms in addition and you can go check yourself in over 12 years of health inspections we have never scored less than a 93 out of 100. This is not indicative of a restaurant that is filthy as you've indicated. Your exaggerations are astonishing and well appreciated, as I agree with you on the unsightly bathroom partition that over the years has gotten worse due to men not aiming properly, but not on any of the exaggerations you've portrayed about the cleanliness of my store maybe you'd like to provide your address so we can come pay you a surprise visit and critique your kitchen and bathroom enter enter let me know end of response yeah um if you're asking people customers for their address so you can come to their house

for a surprise visit i get what they're trying to say here i guess with the whole health inspection let's see how cleanly clean your place is where you live but probably cleaner than like a public bathroom i mean i would think so i hope so yeah so it doesn't really hold much water that argument um and also it is it is threatening vaguely threatening yeah yeah it's like why don't you send me your address and i'll come pay you a surprise visit it's like no no that sounds at least they didn't say currently googling your address yeah i've actually found your address from the credit card receipt yeah um and i feel like even though the review was not was negative it wasn't like really nasty like it just said like yeah this was pretty filthy which you know again it's like subjective i guess and

it is directly relevant to right right like if if that were if if not for the owner response yeah that review wouldn't make it on our show exactly because it's just like a very normal it's just like ew valid complaint cool thanks for the info um and there's pictures attached so it's like you know it's hard to argue but whatever so wait to go look at those in our emails later so i can see uh how gross this was um yeah that's that thank you hannah thank you hannah uh this next one is from allison she her a long time listener and huge fan uh i came across this review and instinctively read it in zandy's voice important to note the game in question is car mechanic simulator 2021 these simulator games are getting out of control yeah it is it is like a car mechanic simulator um i hope you get a kick out of it um so it was from a reddit thread uh is how she found

it the thread was on our gaming it was posted by um borgas b-o-r-g-a-s underscore uh his nephew in our gaming a week ago. Oh, sorry. It's from the Xbox store. The game is from the Xbox store. Here is a one-star review. I won't play this game. I bought the game to give it one star. One of the devs fucked my wife.

Have my money. You took everything else. End of review. Oh, my God. First of all, you're not great at revenge yeah yeah right have my money like let me help you i feel like there are better ways to get back at somebody than purchasing their product agreed lining their pockets um the top comments is guess the developer knew the cheat codes guess the developer knew the cheat codes uh yeah he was testing out his new material that actually is his username he just failed to mention that was his own comment um wow wow the yikes do

you think that's true i don't freaking i just like i don't i could see it being true or not true it does seem like i don't know like it just seems like, I don't really care. I could see it being true or not true. It does seem like, I don't know. It just seems like a weird thing to lie about if it were fake. I agree. It's not like it's that funny that it's, if it were fake. The fake ones are usually have more indicators that they're funny. But like I said in an episode that hasn't been released yet, because we recorded the episode before we released it.

Usually we can tell the funny ones um the fake ones or the fake ones but um but then if this is a fake one then it's like oh they did a good job of getting all of us a lot of times the fake ones are like um then a helicopter landed and my ex-wife jumped out and now I'm homeless. Like they get really out of control. Anyway, all I'm saying is I hope that this is not true for their sake. Yes. But if it is, they fooled me. I mean, someone did have a very specific accusation against me cheating on my non-existent wife. And it didn't seem to be for any good reason.

It was just like a one-star review of our podcast. It wasn't like they were getting much out of it. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. No, I'm with you. Wow. I get it, though. If you're going to leave your partner,

like, leave them for a developer of a car mechanic simulator. Let's step up in the world. Okay, that's all I kind of had. Oh, me too. I just had four. Oh, really? Yeah.

Okay, wow. Look at yeah okay wow look at us go look at us go this is the third episode in a row where we've been matched up yeah that's true that no that is true that is rare often happen that is very rare all right well thanks everybody for listening to our august between you and us um we just recorded two episodes so there's a lot of content coming your way it's all good stuff it's very good if i do very sexy stuff too warning warning contained sexy stuff that's a hint yeah that is a hint wow that hasn't we haven't announced that yet yeah yeah there's that's that's a hint for an announcement that's coming on wednesday warning warning so anyway i guess we'll see you next time see you soon