Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 28

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. hello everybody welcome to our as i say zeptember episode of between you and us how do you say that month september why am i the only one who says it i don't know people ask me about how you did it on stream and i was like i i don't even notice that she does that. Neither did Em, but I always say September. Some people brought it up on Twitter, and now I'm self-conscious.

So anyway, welcome. Yeah, you probably should be. It's weird. September. Remember we had that friend named Seth when we were kids? I always think about this. Why are you laughing at me? Who's Seth?

I mean, I have my friend Seth, but I think it's a different no it's a different seth but i would always say zeth who i don't know who this is he lived in our neighborhood or i don't know where he came from but dad brought him over sometimes christina don't say that on the podcast on any don't say that anywhere i don't know where he came from but our dad just brought him over sometimes what does that mean weirdo we had a friend and his name was seth but i was always scared to say his name because i was like i don't think i'm saying it right because i just copied the way dad says it which is zeth oh and dad would always say zeth is coming over and i didn't understand and then it took me years what's spelled z-e-t-h it wasn't in my head it was and so it took me years to figure out it'se-t-h it wasn't in my head it was and so it took me

years to figure out it's actually pronounced seth which i think is also why i say zeptember anyway let's move on this is our zeptember episode of between you and us who the heck is seth i'm so confused i remember uh chad yeah we also had a friend named same neighborhood shad actually i'm just kidding sh Shod. Shod. Yeah, Chad was definitely... Was it in the same neighborhood? I think it was the same neighborhood. So you're thinking that area.

Yes. Yes. I'm trying not to pinpoint these people. No. I don't remember if Seth was a different kid. There was a kid across the street also who had a sister named Florence. Maybe that was a ghost. That sounds like a fake name that sounds

like a ghost um no francis the house across the street burned down 50 years ago there is no house um no francis remember there was a kid named francis too who's wasn't was it chad and frank oh maybe francis was someone's sister either chad or seth zeth chad and francis sound like a dynamic duo i don't i don't know i don't know okay well that doesn't matter let's do our episode so confused you just like brought up a rant this is an imaginary friend or something they're probably all imaginary friends it's listen seth if you're hearing this please reach out do you know who we are no he doesn't he's like my name is not zeth stop calling me that seth is like yes i grew up in a burned down house as a ghost with a friend named chad um anyway i'm gonna read a review now okay great uh this is uh sent in by emily who uh she her uh who says i kept seeing this dancing cactus toy

pop up on my tiktok ads and was considering getting it for my cousin's daughter who just turned two so here are the um oh and said uh to to be declared if i'll buy it for a two-year-old but i kind of want it for myself now to be declared like tbd to be decided decided what did i say declared i was like who's declaring it i'm thinking that office episode another dad to be declared what declare bankruptcy is that what you're thinking isn't it to be determined to yeah not what you said either but mine's closer than i don't know why i said that to be determined yeah yeah yeah no that's 100 because i put you in a really weird headspace christina that really threw me i feel really weird i've never said that before what did i do be just judging you over here yeah you should that was weird i didn't like that

english is hard for us it's okay i'm speaking like like ghost florence you're speaking you're you're channeling florence it's okay i am i always am though if i'm ever if i ever change personalities because florence left my soul florence. I am going to read this review. This is a two-star review of this dancing cactus. Let me read the whole thing, what this thing is called. Not to stall here. Oh, my God. Imoine, dancing cactus, talking cactus toy.

Sunny the cactus repeats what you say. Electronic dancing cactus toy with lighting. Singing cactus recording and repeat your words cactus mimicking toy for kids look at this little fucker oh not the baby sorry there's a baby in this picture i mean the weird looking cat right not the baby although i do i do have to say that cactus looks kind of like a combination of like gumby and and a cactus i don't really know. I could see this cactus saying, I've seen dead people. That cactus has seen things. I've seen a lot of shit.

That cactus has seen dark things. So it's also said some things. Well, it copies your words, right? Oh, am I about to hear about it? Here we go. Two stars. So we got the toy yesterday. It mimics and dances just as it is supposed to it has probably

about 50 songs loaded on it and i was pleasantly surprised that is until i hit the music button because my son is loving dancing with a cactus and it plays these lyrics wear the hood wear the hood where the hood at look at its face no i'm picturing its face as i read this oh my god have that n-word in the cut where the wood at oh them n-words acting up where the wolves at you better bust that if you gonna pull that i'm so sorry what i love dmx as much as the next guy but this absolutely should not be loaded onto a kid's toy end of review alexander how many people found that helpful everybody 33 everybody on the planet 33 not enough oh my lord i hope i did as good of a rendition you did an excellent rendition of dmx i want to know how i want to know all the songs now on this thing i want the full album then you

want another quick review that i found this is a five star review oh excellent um very upset oh profanity the song this cactus sings is the Polish cow song. When translated to English, this song sings about cocaine, heroin, and other disgusting things. End of review. Okay, you translated the Polish cow song? Yeah.

Wow, Alexander. This thing is hysterical. Look at its face. Oh, I know. Just the combination of its face. If you want to see what this thing looks like, what do you Google. Look at its face. Oh, I know. Just the combination of its face. If you want to see what this thing looks like, what do you Google to look at its face? Let me read it all again. No, just Google, like, E-M-O-I-N is, I think, the brand. Dancing cactus. I mean, the picture literally has a baby in it.

Like, it's a baby toy clearly there's a version with it looks like a cowboy hat on it okay well i'm gonna declare i know it's to be declared but i'm gonna declare right now wait who sent it in again to be declared emily emily i'm declaring right now that emily will be buying this yes yes because i need to know what else is on this singing right right like I must know. If only we had like a really, like a baby that we could give this to. You know? Someone buy me this cactus.

And by someone, I mean Alexander. Buy me this cactus. Okay. And let me know because I have a lot of questions. I will. I'll pick it up from our P.O. box. What? I'll pick it up from our P. what i'll pick it up from our po box oh okay which is 187 pavilion parkway number 174 newport kentucky 41071 i'm not totally not reminding me of our yeah just wanted to let you know i'm just gonna pick it up there when i order it right got it

okay great and if anything else happens to show up it'll just be a coincidence totally okay well i have a review here this was sent in by hunter and it is a review okay so hunter says i was looking for ouija boards because i'm finally stable enough to purchase one um so here's a review of a ouija board. This is a one-star review. The Bible says not to seek out wizards, soothsayers, sorcerers, spiritists, nor to mess with any form of witchcraft or divination. In fact, the Old Testament law states that those who practice such things are to be put to death. This stuff is not a game. It may seem like nothing happens on the surface, but what is really happening is when you play with these boards, you're contacting demons. And all they want is to gain access into your lives so they can cause havoc and ultimately drag your soul to hell when you die.

Guys, you don't need to turn to occultic items to seek supernatural power or consolation. You don't need to call down a curse on your family that will produce lifelong consequences. There's a better way, and that better way is through Jesus. End of review. So, if you want to, they literally said if you want to seek out the supernatural, you should seek out Jesus. You don't need to use this board to call a curse on your family. Just pray a little bit. He'll send some cicadas or whatever he does. Imagine thinking people should be put to death

for using this like that's what it comes across right i had that same thought i was like so is he suggesting like well the loss the old testament law says it's like people have been put to death for the worst things and the fact that they're put to death at all is terrible so it's like why are you using that as a justification like hey people used to die for this didn't use people used to die in some places't use people used to die in some places for being christian too like what that's not like a it's like a weird justification for not you it's in our we there's only one law and it's the ot law it's the ot um so if you want to call a curse upon me your family i do very much there's a better way to do it okay fine i'm finally turning to god so i can just ruin my life

on all of my family members oh the dream the dream um i have one this is from becca becca um has some very kind words to say thank you for the kind words um and then sent a review of this app so i had to get it because it's an app i had to pick this one uh it's called pupper p-u-p-p-r are you familiar no but it sounds like a dog dating app um it is not a dog dating app it is a dog training app oh that's fun so the point of this app is you can see dog training videos, take videos of your dog, and post it when they do the right tricks or the right things. So there's also a community aspect to it.

Oh, fun. But yeah, you use it to train your dog. Well, this is a five-star review okay um that they say it's a must get in the title it's a must get but also suggestions so here is what wolf girl has to say about pupper okay so this app is awesome. I love it so much. My dog learned sit in five minutes, learned spin in two. So I love this app so much. Also, I will talk more, but let's move on to the suggestions. Can you add comments so people can say nice things to your dog? Also, make it where you can delete mean comments. Also, where there can be no mean words or bad words, please. Can you add comments, please? I want to see what people say to my dog or think about him, but they can't tell me because there are no comments. So please add comments. Also, this game is the best.

It gives you 74 tricks to teach your dog. You can also add other dogs like siblings or whatever you want to say. You can also post your dog doing the trick of the day. It ends in six to seven days. You can't post another trick till the new trick comes in unless your dog has a sibling or just another dog. But beware, some dogs are fake on there and are just on Google. Also, some people think this app is a joke and actually put cats, bunnies, horses, humans now.

The humans one is real. I saw a person that was holding some and when I clicked him, it his name his breed was human and it said his age please take this app more serious bunnies horses cats and humans are not dogs also I love this app and recommend it my dog ivy end of review I can't this is too much for me actually this is terrifying this is a lot yeah this is overwhelming it was overwhelming was it not i'm a little overstimulated by this person um okay first off she's like i want comments to see how nice people are going to be to my dog and how great she is but i want to delete but i want to also be able to delete mean comments which is like but there are no mean comments yeah because there's no comment exactly so they kept going they're like and then they were like there are no comments yet i was like yeah she's like preemptively i know there will be mean comments let me delete those yeah yeah

um are there do you know anything about these humans that are like first of all i think people are making joke videos like look i can sit and like doing sit and stuff oh boy um this person doesn't like those at all breed human people need a life i don't think it's like a anything too nefarious yeah they're just not taking it serious they're not taking it serious enough as she says um wow i mean okay yeah and it all had to be one sentence basically yeah i feel like every time you read an app store review they have the exact same intonation of like a run-on sentence by a child i don't understand why that takes is it something about app store review posting that like it must be to it being maybe it's because they're putting it on their phone like they're just not using

oh true i guess it's yelp and stuff they'll be on their computer but still i feel like when you're on your phone that's when you have punctuation. It forces the punctuation more. Maybe not. I don't think so. Not like commas and stuff anyway. No. Well, it's the internet period, so.

I don't know, man. I don't know. Yeah, I guess never mind. Never mind. Just never mind all of it. To all of it. Just erase it out of your head. Okay.

I have a review this was sent in by ck um who said i just got to your 2020 april fools prank uh you april fools me a standing ovation for you both so we let's wait till the year of the 2021 one 2021? No one's found it yet. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What could it be? Yeah, no one's messaged us about it. So weird. Weird. It's a mystery.

Okay. So now this actually came up because I was searching for whale watching reviews, if you recall. Oh, I was there. You were? Okay. So I was looking for whale watching reviews and this came up and there were a few good ones in here that didn't quite fit into that episode so i saved it for a between you and us um i have here first of all a review of these are basically just reviews of animal sanctuaries animal places and the suggestion from ck was places where uh people were disappointed they didn't see animals

that were listed as part of the trip so like whale watching was the example um so i have a couple reviews here sent in this is a review of the gentle barn in santa clarita california it's a three-star view it's a good experience for kids or the people who don't have experience with animals but for those who know these animals are boring and then there's some picture of a horse with a bow on her head well that's i don't think she's boring no not at all and i just was like a front is that a donkey there too there's a donkey and oh no i think they're both horses that's like one very much look like a donkey really you just don't know you're they're boring for you for me they're boring for you i'm fascinated you just don't know you put a bow on a horse and i'm like enamored it's because i'm not experienced enough you know totally um i just

thought that was a really wild review especially because it's by a local guide who's posted 865 photos. So clearly has high standard for himself as far as like which animals are exciting enough, you know. But I wonder what that what those animals would be. I'm not a horse with a bow or a donkey, I guess. Which surprising. Yeah. Agreed. My next one

is from Amanda she her this is from slim chickens in Denver this is I don't have the rating here

but it's seems positive okay we'll take it hesitantly this is by Diane they gave us the wrong potato salad but god damn their food is so good i had to turn back and go get it and i can't even be mad because a manager guy gave me a bigger size and apologized this has also never happened and we go here a lot

so love that it really was god's plan end of review was it really i love when people determine that things are god's plan when it's like you must have really like high view of your own life if like more potato salad was right that's what god has in store for you like forget all this shit that's going on on or like a low opinion of God. I don't know what it is. Like maybe like maybe that's a high opinion of God. I don't really know. I think it's like a high opinion of yourself because you're like forget all the like wars and tsunamis. That's not relevant to God right now. What's relevant to God is like that I get a bigger portion size of my mashed potatoes.

Good point. This is God's plan for today. He only had one thing on the roster. Oh no. was my my dinner oh no oh god it's just so wild um yes it is i don't like it also i love like i can't even be mad yeah it's like i really wanted to be mad and i think they foil i wanted to find something to be upset about. I've been foiled. Yeah. And alas, God said, no, kill them with kindness. Um,

I love that very much. And I kind of now want potato salad. So let's see, what do I have next year? Oh, this is another one. Um, still from CK. And this is our view of alpacas of the heartland LLC.

Oh, I also want, excuse me. If anyone's's wondering it's a limited liability corporation so if you're gonna sue just keep that in mind it sounds it sounds like a comedy troupe some la comedy troupe also i will say uh this person might actually sue so i'm glad they put llc in the title to make sure that they knew um and i also wanted to add before i forget that one of the reviews that i'm not reading um and i also wanted to add before i forget that one of the reviews that i'm not reading um because i only picked a couple but one of the companies

was called obsessive compulsive birding excuse me it was like a bird watching like tour that doesn't even like like i didn't get it like ocb is that the joke i don't know i was gonna yeah where's the joke i don't i thought that was so strange like nobody's it just didn't even what the fuck relevant it's so weird yeah i just want to throw that out there while we're talking about alpacas llc um i'm glad you brought that up i don't know why i will not stop thinking about that how they found this but um obsessive looking for symptoms or and was like oh birding wait what like what if in a hundred years i feel like it's already like kind of less appropriate to make fun of things like to joke

about like mental illness and stuff yeah and i just wonder if in a hundred years like the grandkids are gonna be like grandpa we really gotta change the name of obsessive compulsive birding obsessive or they just change it to ocb and they never explain what it originally was called it's just the kfc route yes the kfc route exactly so this is a one-star review by louise of alpacas of the heartland llc it was a terrible experience my family and i went and brought the kiddos with one of the alpacas kicked the five-year-old with no warning. Excuse me, kid back there. I'm about to kick. No warning at all.

Right. Yeah. A red alarm started going off. And then one of them spit in my sister's face and the hay went in her eye. The workers shrugged it off and didn't do anything about it. They told us not to feed that one and just don't look at her. My sister wasn't even feeding or petting that one end of review um which oh my god love the advice of just don't look at it that one just kicked spit in my sister's face well just don't look her in the eye that's ridiculous though here's like people get so like i don't know here's a response from owner

i'm truly sorry you had a bad experience at our ranch it is rare that an alpaca spits and i'm People get so like, I don't know. Here's a response from owner. I'm truly sorry you had a bad experience at our ranch. It is rare that an alpaca spits and I'm sorry she spit on your sister. At the beginning of the tour, I mentioned the alpacas are not pets, but ranch animals and stay away from the back of the alpacas as they sometimes kick backwards with no warning. In adhering to social distancing with COVID, I'm not sure what I could have done to help your sister. Please accept our apologies. I look forward to having you give us another opportunity in the future end of review there's literally nothing you could have done um yeah like wipe the spit

out of her eye again not COVID safe people are so like I don't know I don't know people why why would you why what what it's the same thing it was like why was god not there why was god's plan not keeping this llama's feet away from the five years old first of all it was an alpaca second of all that's why you only saw four footprints and they were hoof prints because they were god was riding the alpaca. Oh my God. And he said, spit. Do it. Spit on her.

Spit on her. Into some weird shit. Also, I love that, I know I already said this, but my favorite piece of advice from the workers was don't look at her in the eye. Spit on my sister.

Just don't feed her or look at her. It's like, I mean, I think that's fair advice. I think, I mean, yeah. I'm just saying. I don't know. I mean, that's what happens when you look at her. It's like, I mean, I think that's fair advice. I think, I mean, yeah. I'm just saying. I don't know. I mean, that's what happens when you look at me in the eye. I'm very socially awkward.

I will spit in your face if you look at me. It's like an automatic reaction. No warning. No, no. It's nothing personal. It's nothing personal. No. No warning at all.

I just don't look in my eyes. Just don't feed him or look him in the eye. It's dangerous. I didn't say the feed me part. I know. Please feed me. Just don't look me in the eye. Feed him i didn't say the feed me part please feed me just just don't look me in the eye with him with caution feed me with caution and just know that i warned you

you've been warned you can't sue she for madness llc it's llc that's exactly right obsessive compulsive she from oh no i'll work on it. My final one. This was sent in by Kat, who says, don't know if this is too late for your next episode. I was inspired to look at my local Golden Corral reviews. This was sent in January. Sweet. And it was either too late or we didn't see it. Or it was just on time.

Or it was just on time because here we are reading it now. This is a review of A Golden Corral. This is One Star by Huey. Twice I stopped in to eat during non-rush periods. Dirty place. Food options not being replaced. Bathrooms not cleaned. And the ice cream machine was broken.

I guess the only benefit of paying $13 was to look at the waiter's butt, which I enjoyed. Besides that, I paid $13 for one plate of food. End of review. Ew. What a creepo. Right? Can you imagine leaving a one-star review and being like, yeah, let me tell everybody about how I just stared at this waiter's butt.

They are a local guide. Oh, God. 87 reviews. oh god 87 reviews okay 87 reviews tell me no photos please 1432 photos those are probably inappropriate yeah you don't want to look through those and they're probably non-consensual exactly yikes ew gross yeah well thanks a lot for sending that just on time golden corral review um man i mean if you got you got to know what color wagon people have oh what color is your wagon oh my god wait is that wait it hasn't come out i don't know if that's oh wait maybe it has it has it has not you know it has not it has not that's okay

you'll you'll get it you'll get it we'll do an accidental call back how fun in our next episode you hear a call forward okay i have one more view this was sent in um also by ck and it's of como park zoo and conservatory in st paul minnesota interestingly it's a one-star view by steven but i'm assuming not your Stephen. Where in Minnesota exactly? St. Paul. St. Paul. That's close to Minneapolis, right?

They're like twin cities. But what's this of? Como Park Zoo and Conservatory. Okay. I'll listen to the tone of the review and then... Stephen wrote it. I'm going to tell you right now. It is actually Stephen? I think your friend Stephen wrote it i'm gonna tell you right now it is actually steven i think your friend steven wrote it you're being serious right now i mean no but okay i'm saying if we're gonna go by the tone oh yeah no i can tell i can tell i'll be i think you're gonna

i think no matter what you're gonna want to accept my theory okay okay i'll say no matter what it was him this is a one-star view by steven of the como park zoo and conservatory viewing the gorillas saddens me they have way better living conditions than i do oh no at first i was like oh that's a bummer i don't wait a second yeah either way they'd probably be right way better yeah i mean but so anyway that's just a fun little side note that's funny so. So thank you, CK. I actually, oh, wait, no, I have one more, actually. And this was, you're done, right? Yeah.

Okay. So this came in today, actually a couple hours ago, from Heather. And the title was, or the subject was Ridiculous Reviews of Children's Books. So, of course, I had to read it. And also, Heather says, Christine, good luck with your little one alexander you're absolutely going to be the coolest uncle i know okay well thanks heather heather says they're shopping for books that will encourage their new niece and nephew to be well-rounded empathetic little humans but then was immediately triggered by the first review of this book so sorry i'm to end on a negative note.

So this book is called Be Kind. Oh, no. I've actually seen it at my local bookstore in the children's section by Pat Miller and or Pat Zietlow Miller. And it's a very sweet book, at least from what it looks like. And it's just about being, you know, empathetic and kind toward people, even if they're different from you. Well, well, obviously that wasn't good enough for some people, including Amazon customer. One star.

And this is a verified purchase, by the way. The title is, This book, full of diversity and inclusion is actually very exclusionary one of many books that includes examples of showing kindness to a muslim oh no it's outrageous it's outrageous it's outrageous how exclusionary this book is it's outrageous how exclusionary this book is. JK. One of many books that includes examples of showing kindness to a Muslim and to a Jewish rabbi, but no Christian mentioned who were the majority in the English speaking world.

This is an all too common theme in books of recent years. Diversity is good, but the intentional exclusion is not. Do not purchase if you are a Christian, or not Christian, but agree that this form of proselytization is a major contributor to the fall of Western civilization and values. No respect at all for the religion that created it. 179 people found this helpful. Yikes.

Oh, no, don't say that last bit. That makes it so much worse. That's probably the darkest part. Not that I'm surprised a large group of people agreed with that. But like, really? I have to hear it. So that's.

Why do I even say that? That's just awful. I don't know. I reported the comment. Oh, nice. I don't think it's going to do anything. I'm going to report Heather. Heather.

How dare you. For spreading hate through emails. It's just so wild to me. I don't know. I'm like, how dare you for spreading spreading hate through emails it's just so wild to me i don't know i'm like how dare you you can be not you can be uh inclusionary but only if you're specifically inclusionary of christianity like saying like well they're the majority we're in this part of the world so we have to include like that's a point that's that's the whole thing that's the whole thing like hello most of these people in this book should be white because you know just to like match up to my experience as amazon it's stuff like that it's so ridiculous

it's like people who complain about certain video games having um people of color represented and they're like well uh this was uh this was the Vikings back in this time. It's like they do things like that. But then it's like there's fucking magic in the games. And they're not going to complain. Why is that your focus? Because they're racist. Because you're a racist.

Right, exactly. But yeah. No, it's absurd. Yikes. Big yikes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, sorry to just totally shit on everything instead of ending on that nice gorilla review.

Yeah, what the fuck? Sorry. Thanks, Heather. Thanks, Heather, though. Love you, mean it. It fits well with our show, I suppose. Yeah, I mean, maybe I'll buy this book for my child. I will not let you as a...

As a Christian. Oh, no, no, didn't say it. As a communist. As a communist. Oh, shit, that's another reference from an episode that won't come out yet. Listen to the next episode. If you want to get all these hilarious inside jokes about how alexander's a communist you should listen to the next episode um so that's all i've got for you today oh it's perfect amount of

stuff so thank you good i have nothing more so thanks everyone for listening to our between you and us we actually did one um aren't you proud despite what's happening yay and uh we'll probably do more um like we might have an regular episode be somewhat between you and us yeah yeah it's kind of a free-for-all type i i have like a plan that's very strange yeah yeah so look out for that coming up can't wait to talk to you soon uh miss you already he misses you so much it's actually kind of upsetting.