Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 3

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too loudly or we'll call security... and remember, fishing is NOT a crime. If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [e-mail] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line! Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and typos. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Between you and us? Welcome! Hi! This is the fun time where we read your reviews.

It's called Between You and Us. Yeah, I'm excited. I'm pumped. We like these. These are fun. Yeah, y'all have given us a lot to work on. Work from. And on. We have a lot to work on like work from and on we have a lot to work on um Freudian slip right there absolutely but so many great emails thank you everyone and it's a lot of fun going through these yeah it's it really is and we have a

separate folder literally in the gmail called between you and us so if you put that in the subject they go in that folder yes I've been a little strict because instead of reading this is getting to a point i never thought i'd get to a point where i'd be like oh my god a lot of emails i gotta go through told you but yeah i um so i just like throw them in there we don't read them until we actually like sit down and pick things out because we don't want to both read the same reviews we want them to be surprises for each other pure reaction pure reactions is only the purest at beach to sandy water to what you know us you know us so i just throw them in there all unread and then we read them and pick them as we go so we each have a few for you uh the other person hasn't heard these before right and so

if you email us at beach to sandy at gmail.com with between you and us in the subject line, we might read yours in a future episode. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Thank you, everyone who submitted. And here we go. Okay. My first one is from Kayleen, and it's of the Hutzler 571 banana slicer.

What is that? To give you an idea of what this looks like, it is a large thing shaped like a banana but bigger with, it looks plastic, and it has little lines in it. So you put a

banana down and you press this over top and it slices the banana evenly. Do you remember that thing that we had that we got in the mail from Oma and it was like a like egg shaped like a little chicken. And we were like, oh, look, it's a toy for Francisca. And our little sister was about like two or three. And we opened this care package from our grandmother. And it was like this German like it looked like a little toy and it had a little chicken on it with a little egg and then you squeeze the little handles and these like sharp blades just shot out the middle and we were

like god we just like grabbed it back out of my sister's hand she was like look at my little chicken and it like all these silver blades came out but it turns out you're supposed to put it on top of an egg and it'll like slice the hard- egg. Yes. Anyway, that's what this reminds me of. Yes, it's similar, but not like a scissor shape. It's like literally just a press, like you press down on a banana and it slices it. And this review, there's so many great reviews of this. So look it up if you want. Really?

Yeah, this is, it was hilarious. But this one is from Jay. Five star review. Great addition to any junk drawer. I know. Ours is from Jay. Five-star review. Great addition to any junk drawer. I know. Ours is already full. Well, I knew my kitchen junk drawer was missing something. It has the usual obscure utensils, ice pick, meat hook, those little corn cob sticker things.

Oh, yeah. But it opened so freely. I knew this was unacceptable for any kitchen junk drawer. I needed that one big thing that would barely fit in and would snag the counter every time I opened it. The Hutzler 571 was perfect. Now my drawer snags like every other junk drawer I've ever had, and I have to push the Hutzler 571 down with my hand to get it open.

Plus, when I need 16 pieces of a banana it does the trick nothing worse than nine small slices and seven big ones on your cereal thanks hutzler 571 usually those like kind of like tongue-in-cheek ones don't get me but that is pretty good especially because it was also like a five-star review so it's actually kind of upbeat and positive and funny instead of it being just like there's so many one-star reviews that are jokes and intentionally like really negative mean-spirited yeah mean-spirited but i mean last night i asked where our lease was and you told me to go check the junk junk drawer and sure enough was it in there it was not in there however i just lost our lease okay did bruise the shit out

of my uh knuckles trying to press everything down as i tried to jam it open yeah we don't necessarily need a hutzler 5000 or whatever but uh speak for yourself if we ever clean that thing out i'll be sure to buy one good thank you kayleen thank you kayleen um okay cool so my first uh review is actually from my friend theron oh so i know i know theron you do i mean of theron well so theron and kirsten have been awesome listeners of my murder show exactly for a while and i actually met them last week for the first time in person and it was super cool in milwaukee and i'm gonna see them i forgot to ask you about that yeah you had told me that was coming up it was super awesome um and so i saw this in our inbox and i thought i have to check it out and uh funny enough this review that theron sent is a one-star review uh of a venue that is hosting our show the murder show

next month oh now he didn't specify which venue okay but so we don't know probably not so not to get in your head about actually that's a good point that's a good point okay so this is uh from kathy it's a one-star review of a comedy venue they told me i was laughing too loudly and if i did not stop laughing i I would be removed dot dot dot in front of my very new boyfriend while introducing me to his family for the very first time. I cannot be more embarrassed. Very upset about this treatment. We come here to laugh. End of review. And then he wrote that ending was

pretty funny maybe christine should try not to be funny impossible just kidding oh gosh yeah but that's that's a sign that you have very little self-awareness if if that's a problem like i i i have yeah come across people like that where it takes you out of it it's like so obnoxiously loud and inconsiderate you go to the movies with them and you're like do they not realize that when they're whispering they're like screaming in everyone's ears yeah um or they're laughing so loud like well i'm not gonna say any names but there's a certain person that blaze knew back in the day and when he would go to the movies with this person they would like they went and saw ted and i guess the whole movie theater was like on edge because every five words this person would like guff like scream laugh guffaw and it was to the point that

people were like uncomfortable yeah i i think i wouldn't be good about that like i would not handle that well i wouldn't say anything but I would be just sitting there like, Oh, this is miserable. And it would take me out of the experience. And I feel like if a comedy staff member, venue staff member is telling you you're laughing. Yes.

I mean, it is an absurd thought though. It does sound absurd, but at the same time, I imagine that there are people out there who should be told to be quieter about their laughing. I will say that, uh,

if this happens, I will report back. Okay. Yes. yes yes did it would have been funny if there and was doing that if he was like laughing that loud on purpose oh and then like as a like little foreshadowing so you could have a little tidbit to say he's like when oh i had a fan like that like when i get dragged out in handcuffs you'll know oh god it was me okay sorry that got weird no it did get weird okay this is a review from rebecca and rebecca says this is from a restaurant around where i live i don't know if you have zzz's zzz's in america i'm british how do you spell that z-i-z-zZ-I. I think it's Zed. Apostrophe. Oh, sorry.

Zed-Zed-Z. Is that it? Oh, that place. Yeah. Sorry. Zed-I-Zed-Zed-I apostrophe S. No, I've never heard of such a thing. Me neither.

And I thought that the badly punctuated review would be funny. Rebecca. Let's see here. This is from Akpomina. It's a one-star review. If I could rate this experience zero out of five all around, I would have. Let's see here. This is from Akpomina. It's a one-star review. If I could rate this experience zero out of five all around, I would have ZZ's Bexley Heath. God, this is the most British freaking reveal. It was a hellish experience.

I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Service equals terrible. Even though customers were nowhere to be seen, it took the team of two one hour, 30 minutes each time to attend to us during our two courses. Equals not acceptable. Food equals. This is like equal signs, by the way. This is like algebra. I know.

These are all equal signs. Oh, my God. Food equals was passable and not to the usual zizzy sloppy and defrosted worse of all the manager and the team of two played hide and seek with us throughout sorry i know that's not really what they did but are you sure listen a fun thought aka they hid and we the customers had to seek oh that was in case you didn't understand. That works. Finally, when I was offered cheese, to my surprise, all the cheese landed on my trouser. I'm sorry. I have no idea.

I intentionally didn't look this place up because I'm like imagining the coolest place ever. If cheese can end up on your trouser. Oh, it's so good. Not nice. if cheese can end up on your trouser oh it's so good not nice if you want to waste money and time then by all means eat at this branch of zizzy's if not please find somewhere else end of review i want to go there so bad so we are all together going to learn what this place is about great zizzy's sounds like a carnival fun house also with cheese dropping like slime from

a ceiling sort of it's an italian restaurant oh shocking what like it's just a chain of restaurants offering dishes inspired by italian cuisine so when i picture this and cheese landing on trousers i was thinking of like that weird place in middle america i think or maybe it's in the northeast where they throw throw bread the place that blaze is obsessed with in missouri what's it called i don't remember i've always wanted to go but apparently it's a thing where they throw rolls yeah um and so i was picturing some fun themed restaurant where they throw cheese at your trouser. But alas, it's literally just a chain of restaurant of Italian restaurants similar to Olive Garden, I assume.

Is that maybe that'll be insulting, but I don't really care. I don't know. I've actually never eaten at Olive Garden. I think we should. I think you've bragged about that before. It's not a brag. I want to eat there so badly. I think we should. I think we should film a video there.

Oh, can we do that? Absolutely we can. Well, can we like legally? Will they let us? Maybe not. We'll wear a GoPro. We'll make Allie wear a GoPro on her head. And we'll like put a big hat on her with a hole.

And then I'll hold my plate. And she'll say, oh, I i'm balding i don't want to take it off if they try to get it to get her to take it off and then i'll put my plate i'll hold my plate above my lap and then when they pour the cheese i'll just move it and it'll fall on my trouser trouser no yeah i think but that's gonna be real wild i'm also gonna play hide and seek with everyone so oh my god wait so will you the customer be seeking or will you the customer be hiding i guess it depends on which role they want to play oh yes um we'll we'll we'll ask them we'll leave it up to them um by the way the bread

roll throwing place is Lambert's Cafe. Oh, Lambert's. That's, uh, that's exactly the place. That's in Missouri where I've never been, but Blaze still talks about growing there with, uh, his family. Known as the home of throwed rolls. Throwed rolls. There's billboards for that. Yeah.

I'd love to go sometime. Let's go there too. We should go and film a video there too. Absolutely. I'll hold my plate above, I'll hold my plate above my lap and then they'll put a bread roll at me and we'll put the gopro in the bread so it'll be on a hat no oh the hat on the bread in that gopro and ali's balding i get it okay she's not actually but yes oh okay so next this is a This email was sent in by Kelly. Thank you, Kelly.

It is some Starbucks reviews, I guess, inspired by a recent Seattle episode. Good times. This Starbucks, they sent two reviews from a Starbucks near Poland, Ohio, or in Poland, Ohio. I got excited. I was like, ohand starbucks three stars by fox oh my god who has 9679 reviews oh i thought that was a review starting 9 000 this sounds like some sort of like weird and they've posted 32 649 photos holy shit this is

like a collective there's no way this is one person. This is a bunch of people in a basement. Well, they're an elite 2019. I would freaking certainly hope so. Yeah, true. They did all that and didn't get an elite badge. There's something wrong with the numbers. Three stars.

More like sour bucks. Got them. Got them. Got them good. Sourbucks. Got him. Got him. Got him good.

More like Sourbucks since I make a sour lemon face every time I have to come here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why do you have to? I'm wondering, do they explain why they have to? Every time I have to come here. Why the hell does everyone I know like this damn chain? Amber is addicted. Who the fuck is Amber?

I don't know. It is not explained. I want to clarify. I guess if you follow this person, like a blog with their $32,000. Oh my God. I bet they mentioned Amber like 300 times. I bet every time Amber likes something and he hates it. I bet his followers are like, oh, Amber's at it again.

Fucking Amber. What if that's his alter ego? Amber's addicted. Oh, gosh. That's why I have to keep going to Starbucks. That could be. That could be. God, you're cracking cases left and right.

Left and right. Amber is addicted. So is my travel buddy. They're traveling to Warsaw, Ohio. Or no, Poland, Ohio.io sorry they both got psl pumpkin spice latte in case you guys are wondering thank you it was that time of year and i told them they were being basics with a capital b well it's true i had the tazo tea with peppermint and as usual they charged me over two dollars for a tea bag and a cup of hot water and it was not even average they used to use really good tea

for their peppermint tea since they changed it up it sucks asshole god End of review. I didn't like any of that. It has six cool ratings. The sunglasses. This person definitely has followers. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Are there that many locations of anything in Ohio? Do they get out of Ohio? We understand they have a travel buddy, so they must be going all over Ohio.

True, true, true. And then Kelly also sent a second review of the same Starbucks. Oh, good. Brings all the crazies in. By A.W. Of A&W fame, yes. In comparison as zero friends, zero photos, and three reviews on Yelp. That's almost like me.

Just three more reviews than I have. Okay. A.W aw says one star i can only give one star to this starbucks i went shopping in boardman and on the way home i decided to surprise my girlfriend with her favorite coffee i order it and went home gave it it to my girlfriend, and she was disgusted with the taste. She said it tasted like dirty kitchen sink water. I decided to taste it to see if she was being dramatic. And for once, she wasn't. Oh my god. Maybe they just ordered it wrong.

And for once, she wasn't. It did, in fact, taste like dirty water. Which I feel like technically coffee kind of is that. Yeah. Dirty brown water. My girlfriend was so unhappy, she broke up with me. Okay. Because it was somehow my fault that Starbucksbucks messed up the order this is some

sort of fanfic here i'll never go to starbucks at this location again end of review okay okay this is someone who probably like months after that his relationship ended was like what went wrong oh you know what it was that trip to starbucks that's what did it all they scrolled through their zero friends there's zero photos and and they're like, I ain't got nothing, man. It's got to be that Starbucks. I got that Starbucks in Poland. Another great one. All right.

I have one more. Okay. This one is from Maggie. Maggie says, absolutely love the podcast more than Monty loves his garlic fries. Impossible. You'd think. But an honor. Yeah, that is an honor.

This is a review of Mount Rushmore National Memorial. Okay, I'm excited. This is by PK. One star. If I could give zero to this collection of american fat pants ice cream zoo i would what let me repeat if i could give zero to this collection of american fat pants ice cream zoo i would is that clear enough for you no i have one question does it say american american apostrophe capital m e r i c a n okay now i understand thank you

this is a disgrace to the park system don't go here stay in the hills or badlands instead i do not think it is patriotic to deface a mountain also the surrounding towns are horrible i am pretty sure that the next gathering of the juggalos is taking place around here somewhere end of review what that's mount rushmore for you literally the same thing when i think of mount rushmore i think of the same thing defacing a mountain with fat american ice creams and then juggalos the best part fat is spelled p with a ph oh oh see i mean that really changes everything so they might have meant p hat p hat from statistics ice cream the only reason i remember p-hat god mr segal is because of mr segal when he came in and he said guys i went to blockbuster and i ordered i got this this

this statistics movie went home watched it and was so in such shock that it wasn't about statistics it was called p-hat girls literally fat girls you guys i have to clarify i think maybe we've said this before i'm not sure but alexander and i were to my sad chagrin in the same statistics class my senior year alexander sophomore year and uh good times i got a better grade though yeah i got like a c one quarter because i didn't do any of my homework we were just watching p hat girls yeah p hat girls um spelled with a z at the end i will say also that was our class at 8 15 a.m so when he walked in and said that i was like i don't i don't know how to i can't cope with this what an experience that was what an experience you guys we already recorded our episode for wednesday right before this but it is uh reviews of elementary schools

in pittsburgh so get ready we're in a mood about that yes if you're wondering why we're such a mess right now it's because we just recorded that episode So a little taste of what's in your future. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just say what a time to be alive. Okay. Well, thank you for that weird thing that just happened out of your mouth.

You're welcome. This is my final one. This is from Renee and not our Renee. A different renee also our renee yes our new renee our newest renee renee hear that renee you're the old renee now okay this is from renee uh she says hello hello hi hello hi hi she says uh your podcast brings me great joy and brightens my week love the sibling humor and be nice to customer service people vibes. Hell yeah. That makes me happy.

We do it for you. She says, I'd like to submit my family's favorite inexplicable review from an urban park slash walking trail. It's a four star review by Tara Smith on Google Maps. And it reads as follows. maps and it reads as follows you will easily twist your ankles trees branches and debris in the walkway also large mud puddles and water in the walkway you get a creepy feeling that you're being watched and it's totally surrounded by trees is that it? No. What?

I just couldn't breathe after that. You get a creepy feeling that you're totally surrounded by trees. It would help if there were lights out there. All in all, it's a great trail for you to be alone, but you'll still be scared of dying. I did not expect that. I love it. God, that's just so good. And then Renee says, my family now rates trails on a scale of how scared we are of dying. I think this person needs to avoid trails at night.

That sounds like the simplest solution here. At least they gave it four stars. I feel like they said they need lights out there. Like, what are you doing? Yeah, God. There's trees and branches everywhere. And debris. I bet for debris, they literally just mean more branches that are just

having to be on the ground instead of actually still attached to trees. And then Renee says, As an aside, highlights from other reviews of the same place include, quote, Really not sure why the city put up all the no fishing signs as fishing is not a crime. And, quote, need some things to really set it apart from just walking in the woods. Like what?

If you go to walk in the woods, what else do you need? Like anyone who's going to walk in the woods for anything but walking in the woods is going to be sorely disappointed. And then her last note is Alabama, man. Alabama. She says, thanks for all your hard work. Have a delightful week. Maybe we'll have to do walking trails in Birmingham someday. I know, clearly.

That's funny. Oh, oh god that's so good thank you thank you it's not a crime i'm gonna put that on a bumper sticker oh well that's all i got for you we should put that on our merch fishing is not a crime we'll put a no fishing and then put a big like circle with a line through it with the word no in that circle no it'll be like no fishing and then like a big circle line is like fishing is not a crime perfect listen i can see it now perfect you are an artiste thank you all right thank you everyone for listening if you have any reviews you'd like to hear us read send them to beach to sandy at gmail.com and we might just read them we

might just be sure to include between you and us in the subject line thanks for listening and we'll see you on wednesday i'll meet you at the at the juggalo convention at the defaced mountain for p-hat don't bring your fishing poles p-hat this is a problem we gotta go we gotta go okay get me out of here goodbye everyone Bye.