Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 31

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast only six dollars at a and w's in ontario experience a and w's classic breakfast on now d-in only until 11 a.m. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Ding dong. It's us.

Ding dong again. Didn't you already do a ding dong intro please oh that was loud it echoed it's me who mrs doubtfire i've never seen that movie you never saw mrs no i've never seen that never seen titanic ever seen what else have i never seen lots of movies that people would judge me for one star one star one yeah just get it let's just get it over with just i haven't seen any movies okay there welcome to beach to sandy water to add this between you and us our monthly segment that comes at the last second of the month where we read the reviews that you all send in

of different products or services or restaurants or places and uh we have a blast yeah well don't we have so far we have had a blast we've had a blast so far we plan to continue we plan to continue um this is the last of the year this is happy new year coming up happy end of the year of 2021 good riddance no offense 2021 yeah we've seen better times um also we just recorded a patreon episode and we read reviews of products items we got for christmas things went off the rails as usual uh we've created a new character in the beach sandy verse yep yep um so you'll have to listen to that to find out who our new friend is yeah we had fun with that one it was really a mess and i think

i'm just gonna post these probably same day so right so if you're listening to this the patreon ones should be out as well if you're on there and want to see it just go to patreon.com slash beach to sandy yep we have a good time there's a discord that i need to join but i plan on it in a facebook group probably like just for the patrons and yeah shout out to those patrons yeah i'm ready to get into this all right you go first this first one is one that was sent in today about lighthouses and we already recorded the lighthouse episode so weren't able to use it for that. But I saw another lighthouse opportunity and I thought, I'm going to take this. This is from Carla Sheher, who gave me a recommendation for a lighthouse in Australia.

So that's pretty cool. Here's a review of Point Perpendicular Lighthouse. This is in Beecroft Peninsula, NSW. that's new south wales is that yes australia pretty cool and it's like really cute i'm looking at a picture now and it has it's like looks like a little castle like thing next to it and then it's like a cute little white lighthouse i love it anyway here's a three-star review used to have no fences now it is full of fences everywhere to preventing people fall off the cliff very windy but with stunning view and overview very windy right that was that like the juxtaposition of complaining about fences

so people don't fall off the cliff with the literally next to words being very windy i'm like also like acknowledging why the fences are there exactly like she's not even just saying like there's these mysterious fences and also it's windy she's like there's mysterious fences so that people don't fall off in the wind it's so great how windy it is it's so funny so silly i just picture her teetering and tottering like whoa this darn fence is so ugly whoa damn fences are in my way oh boy that's something else that's pretty good well i for one i'm glad that fence is there me too just for for her whether she knows it or not for her safety when when i when i visit places

if they have as much protection to keep me from doing something stupid not not like me being risky it's literally me just being clumsy or something it's like that time i went to the if they have as much protection to keep me from doing something stupid not not like me being risky it's literally me just being clumsy or something it's like that time i went to the grand canyon there was that one area i mean most of the area isn't fenced right because it's fucking massive that was a really silly statement but like you go to like the more touristy areas they do put up some fences but then you like kind of walk in a certain way. And then suddenly you look over and you're like, holy shit. If I fell like right over there, I would not be okay. Like if I tripped. Right.

Right. Yeah. It's freaking scary anyway. Yeah. So yeah. They're there for a reason. I respect the fences. I always think they're there for a reason.

I respect the fence. All right. So this was sent in by Michaela. She, her. And I just didn't. So the review is review is amazing but then I thought what is this even of so I had to google it because it's an Amazon review but it didn't feature like the product in the screenshot so I had to go find what the product was now this is a review did you read the review first and then yes okay so did you have any idea or like what was your thought process inkling because it's

so specific so when i googled the phrasing it came up right away got it um so i guess i'll just tell you what the product is it's a lego bonsai tree building kit is it one of those like lego i forget what they're called but like lego architecture ones where it's really fancy or is it just uh not really you know what i mean they have like ones of like falling water oh it's like these this arc this whole series of like really nice ones do they have like a really small it's like just i mean okay it can't be that small so it's 878 pieces but i think a lot of pieces are like little leaves i mean mean, it's also $41. So I don't know.

It looks like more adult. Oh, it's part of the Lego Botanical Collection. Okay, thank you for that. But it's an 18. It says 18 plus. Oh, my. See, like that's what I kind of meant was they have like these. Yeah, it's more. Like targeted towards adults.

Yeah. Fancier Legos. Yeah, it's a bonsai tree. Yeah. Right. So it has like pink cherry blossoms and all sorts of stuff it lights up what it lights up it lights up really into this i'm not reading reviews okay i'm ready okay don't read any more because this is a two star review it's going to teach you all you need to know it's by kennedy and it's a verified purchase and the subject is it's frog instead of flowers.

OMG, I didn't realize the pink flowers aren't flower. They are frog. I hate frog. It doesn't make sense to have frog on a bonsai tree. And it is kind of disgusting. End of review. Okay, I will say I understand your confusion after reading this review, though. Like, yeah yeah it's very niche and specific you had an inkling but like oh just hearing this it is frog it doesn't sound

very lego it sounds very bizarre no clue I frog instead of I guess apparently they're they use like frog pieces to like their little frogs oh those are little frogs they're adorable little pink frogs i mean it's really weird that is really strange right like frogs why did they do that i don't know but i just love how absolutely disgusted she is i've seen people use lego pieces that weren't for other for other things like for other designs uh use them in like unique ways but i've never maybe frogs are just the versatile piece we didn't know you know what i mean like maybe they're just from a distance you can't really tell no i would never have known but if you're

unless you were making it then you would it would be very obvious i hate frog i can't imagine a single review that doesn't mention this fact. Like it seems so specific. Unless I'm just not familiar with how Lego works. Or bonsai trees. Or bonsai trees. That's a good point. Maybe that's a botanical thing we don't understand. That's so fucking funny.

My next one is, this is from Ellen, she, her, who came across a review of a book called Just One Damned Thing After Another. Ooh. So this is a book called by Jody Taylor, and it seems to be, it's like a time travel historical fiction book thing. I don't know. That's fun.

But yeah, it says, meet the disaster magnets of St. Mary's Institute of Historical Research as they ricochet around history. Love that. So yeah, it seems fun. And they go like all through time and stuff. Like a magic school bus, but through time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like it. How fun. Yeah. Don't know much else other than that. And here's a review. It's a one-star review. Ew, I didn't need to know that. While searching for a fun romp through time and space,

this looked like it might fit the bill, based on other reviews. The book was rolling along okay-ish, parentheses, welcome to Dinoland, and then the annoying type of sex started. Now, I'm no prude. I have six kids and have thus partaken at least six times myself. What was annoying was the fact that it really added nothing to the tale and seemed written in solely to titillate the reader.

Well, isn't that the point of any book? I know, that's very... Solely to entertain or to fill in the blank. The nasty partner was gross enough, but I don't need to know how many fingers went where. Really, I don't. And so ended the reading of this book. Unless I'm knowingly reading about Mr. Gray and his 50 shades of WTF, I'm in it for the story. If an author feels the need to resort to cheap sex to keep readers engaged, I'm out of there. Also, don't lend this to your young teens. They'll learn a lot more than a bit of history.

End of review. Oh my gosh. I do find it funny because like, it's acting as if sex isn't like a thing that should be in books, unless it's like Fifty Shades of Grey, which I could see why in some books, it's like when you watch,

I don't have too many experiences with books like this. I don't think I've ever had that feeling about a book but i've definitely felt that way about a movie i'm like okay the sex scene seems gratuitous it's like it's so unnecessary it's just like okay just stop trying to titillate me stop trying um let's see i have one here from brianne she heard uh it says hey guys i was searching for humidifiers on amazon as the air is so freaking dry up here in ontario right now and found this priceless review so this is of a humidifier on amazon best western made booking our family beach vacation a breeze and it felt a little like like. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Today.

Something is coming. Kong. Godzilla. They can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong.

The new empire. Now playing only in theaters. The review is by High Life Poppy. And it's one star. The title is Trash Ghosts. And it's a verified purchase in the color navy. This thing is pure trash. At best, it would fail as even a doorstop.

Far too light, round, and useless. I guess you could throw it at someone, but again, it is very light, so you wouldn't hurt anyone all that much. Remember that weird egg-spitting thing named Birdo at the end of levels in Mario 2 for Nintendo? I picture that kind of business only from the back end, not the front, if you follow me. Anyway, mine didn't come in working order, but upon closer inspection, even if it was in full form its best use would be as a substitute for a nerf football kick directly into traffic or the ocean or a fire basically this thing is useless crap please destroy it i hope whoever designed this trash item and their entire family is haunted by many aggressive ghosts who drive them mad and in the

padded rooms they are locked up and at the asylum the air is so uncomfortably dry and this product is all they are given and then they pass away creatively emotionally and sexually unfulfilled end of review oh my god that was so much i like the karmic retribution of, I hope they have this product in their asylum. And like, on the one hand, it's like, ridiculous. Obviously, it's ridiculous. But on the other hand, if it made them like this irate, like maybe there's something to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The product. But like he said, it never even worked. So it's like, okay, sure. It never worked. That's kind of all I needed to know. Oh my my god but i guess i got a lot more than that all the ghosts and stuff oh my lord you can't even throw it at someone because it wouldn't injure them it wouldn't mortally wound them what of what a take what a take it's like anytime you get a product and it doesn't work properly, you're like, well, at least I can kill someone with it. Oh, darn.

It's not heavy enough. Even that won't fit the bill. Okay. So here's Samantha wrote in. And I don't think we've done these before. I'm like surprised by it. But I read through them. They look they're hilarious.

But you might have. Oh, I'm worried. The animals. No, it, but I read through them. They look, they're hilarious. But you might have. Uh-oh. I'm worried now. Is it the animals? No, it's the, because we've read something at least similar, if not this, but it was reviews of the Bic crystal for her ball pen. Oh. Like for her pens.

Yeah. I might've read one, but I don't think we read. Okay. Even if, I don't remember so just read them anyway i didn't either reading these and i thought they were hilarious but like i don't know they're very popular like this first one has 41 000 people found helpful so it was like a meme it went around yeah even if we did i really don't remember so i feel like it's worth reading so i'm sorry to everyone if you've heard this before but um oh well i well

it's funny yeah let's just i like that uh strategy down the line for this show if you've heard it before deal with it like i feel like people even if we repeat things it's like a reminder for everybody you know okay so here's the first one i'm gonna read a. Here's the first one. It's a five-star review. This is by Bridget. Finally, someone has answered my gentle prayers and finally designed a pen that I can use all month long. I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach, and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip,

and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty. Since I've begun using these pens, No. Drawings of kittens and ponies have improved. And now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may someday marry me. I am positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with. Where has this pen been all my life? End of review. It's so good. Like note that she wrote leak proof in the first like technically sure a pen but like that's clearly yeah uh a double entendre uh that's genius so did we say what the um

like the product is sorry yeah so the product is bick crystal for her ball pen for her yeah for her i mean crystal c-r-i-s-t-a-l and um according to samantha yeah it's currently unavailable is it pink um the packaging has like in like purple letter it's like for her and then like the colors are um like all like see through like like a nice seafoam green purple peach um yikes i don't but i think the ink is black but like the colors of the actual pen which is even worse exactly it's like the pen is exactly the same they're literally just pens and they like marketed it to women and probably charged they probably charge the pink tax as they say uh here's another one this one is really good this is a four-star review um this is by callie

great fit but i have a question i see this comes in a sleek design but as a full-figured woman do these pens come in curvy and carefree and a review so silly oh curvy and carefree oh god this is painful and then there's one more that i'm gonna do it's a three-star review uh this is by molly i'd really like to buy a pack of these pens but i probably need my father's or husband's permission first like i do with all my financial decisions and a review especially for a pen i mean that's a dangerous tool it's so funny these were all written like 2013 too oh yeah so like it was they were probably written as jokes like years ago and then like just just built up momentum all the memes about them probably

people kept finding them yeah who's some season this is oh sorry this is from samantha yeah wow oh they're so funny good stuff and yeah oh just so goofy so i think this is my last one. Okay. It is a review of a children's Bible. Oh, that's really good. Because I got to end strong. Yeah. I don't know what else to say except that.

This is sent in by Laura. She, her. Thank you, Laura. You know my favorite verses? Of a children's Bible? Of the Bible. Tell me. Mood 24-7. Patreon reference. I was going to say reason another reason to give us money mood 24 7 mood is 24 colon 7 you will never know it's colons right you will never

know the meaning of that exact chapter unless you listen to that episode. It's special meaning, too. We all have the power to shape the world. We're connected to the world we share. To each other. I am future. I wait in the world of Echo. Discover the extraordinary with Echo. The spectacular new show by Cirque du Soleil. Opens May 8th.

Under the big top at Toronto Lakeshore Boulevard West. Tickets at cirquetusoleil.com. The world is yours to create. Echo thanks its presenting partners Sun Life and its official partners Air Canada and Mastercard. Hello darlings, this is Lisa Vanderpump. Will you join me in France for a new reality show? Meet my hand-selected staff as they work, live, and play at Chateau Roosevelt. Their job is to provide once-in-a-lifetime experiences for our guests. And of course, they'll have to meet my standards,

and not everybody has what it takes. Vanderpump Villa has first-class luxury and world-class drama. I'll be there, will you? Vanderpump Villa premieres April 1st, streaming on Disney+. All right, so this is a review of The Complete Illustrated Children's Bible,

parentheses, The Complete Illustrated Children's Bible. It's a hardcover picture book. Lead your child into a lifetime love of the Bible with this colorful storybook. Yowza. So here's a verified purchase. It's two review. It's two stars. And I'm just going to go ahead and read it.

Lay it on me. Lay it on you. I thought this book was really promising, especially with all of the great reviews. When I got the book and read that she called Eve Adams special friend. I was very disappointed, but I just told my daughter she was his wife and moved on. Then it came to the part where Cain killed Abel and it was very honest about that, but then it watered down something else. I think calling Eve Adams special friend and then say they had a son was ridiculous. What is wrong with us as Christians that we are so offended by things God created? No one can talk about sex or even a wife.

It is just ridiculous. I thought about just writing my own thing and taping it over her words, but my husband told me that was probably illegal. I just don't want a watered down version. Lying is not leading. It is misleading. End of review.

You know that our nation's laws are too intertwined with the Bible when someone thinks that doing anything to the Bible is illegal. To the Bible where it says special friend, which is not the Bible. Yeah, not even the Bible. Not even the B-I-B-L-E. Just the children's one. Yikes. You can like fucking burned american flag yeah and yet you you can't like fucking special friend writing within a bio you can't write adam's wife i mean i love that she was gonna tape over tape her work that's just bonkers to me

i mean all of yeah all of this is quite bonkers and her husband's like i'm sorry honey but you're gonna go to jail i will call the authorities my like i'm trying to just rationalize think of it as a joke that he was making or something just to like not feel like this is a real thing that's happening but i would not be also i would not be surprised even a joke because i feel like she would know it wasn't really presented as a joke that's my problem oh no maybe that's so bad special friend friend that's also bad i know i mean i mean for once i agree that like if they're saying someone murdered someone they should be able to say someone had a child with someone else without it being i do agree with like sure i get that argument but like the rest of it also the bible has some fucked up shit yeah of

course this children's bible is gonna water down a lot of it it's illustrated so maybe that's where they draw the line of like certain things we're not gonna maybe that's what she was taping over her own illustrations oh no she was drawing things and her husband's like it's legal to draw that it's illegal actually that's too far maybe he just tells her that all the time. You're actually going to go to jail. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? I'm going to call the police if you do that.

Oh, dear God. Okay, so my last one. This is from Mia. She Shrenda. She Shrenda. So this is the same Mia from our Indianapolis. from our oh yes yes yes i was gonna say you should remember that one your indianapolis no it's our indianapolis it's our indianapolis um so mia with the hits me and this one i think is quite the hit mia was uh looking for barbie

furniture excellent for her daughter you don't need to explain why. Okay, my favorite part is that she you know what, I'm going to tell say that she's impressive and she wrote out the full Amazon title. Oh, wow. Even though it's in the screenshot too. Or copy pasted. Nope, I'm pretending she wrote it all out.

Oh, wrote it out. Okay. She said, I was drawn to this review for Temi Kitchen Playset 56 pieces kitchen set for kids girls pink kitchen playset accessories five in one mini kitchen with lights and sounds with lights perfect for 11 to 12 inch dolls perfect for 11 okay with lights and sounds i'm in yeah it looks pretty nice uh here's a two-star review though oh this is by i don't know who there's not even a name amazon customer is all it says actually this is by shrenda fridge filled with alcohol dude like seriously two cans of beer a bottle of beer a bottle of champagne and a bottle

of whiskey this is for a three-year-old or for any child like that's just not okay end of review and they have a picture of the inside of the fridge no and they're literally what looks like beer cans and like a bottle yeah it looks like a bottle of whiskey or something there's food as well oh but there's a whole like drink thing and i can't read it so i don't know if it even said if it says beer on it but from this picture it looks like beer and whiskey i don't see the champagne but like yeah it looks my god it looks something and uh um so mia's uh mia's subject is between you and us hyphen barbie is a lush and then said amazon customer is big mad about barbie's libations can you send me the photo it's so so silly i kind of love that for barbie you know like just

barbie's all grown up now yeah it's so funny let her live her life oh my god it's just so oh you see that oh you're not kidding yeah that's i read the title says fridge filled with alcohol i'm like no it's not really no it it like has label like it's like i don't know what the labels say but it looks like just like plastic things it's like a actual illustration yeah it's like painted on there uh on the back of the fridge a ham hock like a jar of milk and eggplant and it's like all floating yeah all floating obviously and then definitely two cans of beer a bottle of whiskey and definitely a bottle of what looks like gin or vodka

that's really funny oh well that was good yeah that was that was my end. Yeah, thank you. And thank you everyone who wrote in. If you want to be in any future episode, you can write us in at beach2sandy at gmail.com with the subject between you and us. And maybe you'll be featured. We've got thousands already, but who knows? Keep sending them. Keep sending them because we love them. And if you want to know more about shit what was the reference you made well if we want it we should re-listen to our patreon episode i already forget uh no it's i i did

the mood 24 7 if you want to know more about mood 24 7 or stinky boy oh you have we haven't even said his name you just i wanted to say his name right at the end. Yeah. Stinky boy. Then you go listen to our Patreon episode. We'll put the link below for that as well. Yeah. To see some new patrons and hang out with you in our Facebook group and our Discord. But if not, we'll still see you next week. Yep. Because we still love you.

Yes, we do. We forgive you. Sort of. We will not forget. 24-7. Mm-hmm. 24-7. Amen to that.

Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. We'll see. 24-7. Amen to that. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.