Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - Between You And Us: Episode 33

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Aunts and ants alike will LOVE this episode. For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Check out our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Welcome to Beach to Sandy Water to Wet, a podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. welcome to we knew in us a podcast about the reviews you send to us yes we just finished recording our patreon bonus we did a valentine's day boy howdy a good amount of scripture in there so why do i always end up bringing bible verses to the table so we all are going to want to check that out patreon.com slash beach juice sandy and uh it was 43 minutes

long so maybe longer than this episode yeah that tends to happen when we do them back to back so apologies but yeah if you're on patreon go check that out um this is the episode where we read reviews you send in uh i just started collecting them as i go um every now and then something will intrigue me in the inbox and i'll stick it in the folder so i have a lot to pick from oh good um so what do you think you want to go first sure i'll go ahead let's see this first one is from izzy uh this is a review of the queen mary oh yeah haunted um uh izzy heard this review on the podcast guide to the unknown this is like the ultimate crossover of mine it says their other favorite sibling banter show what is it called guide Guide to the Unknown.

I'm going to write that down. I don't know it. Here's a review. It's a five-star review. Written by someone named Disappointed, but it's a five-star review. Here we go. We went on a tour. It was a great time, except there was this dead smell.

It followed us all over the ship. We could not escape it. What was it? A rotting corpse a dead animal no it was something even more deadly we found out it was the taco bell my wife had eaten the night before her silent but deadly gas almost made us ghost end of review oh my god that is scary yeah that's scarier than what thought, which is like the ghost of a sea. And then Izzy said, someone get Bagans on this pronto. Oh, my gosh. So here's a review sent in by Patrick, who says, unfortunately, I started listening to

your show too late to recommend something for the public art episode because I have a doozy i'm from scotland and in a town called elgin near my hometown or near my home there is the most interesting sculpture ever made the dandelion no one knows why it looks that way but a lot of people have strong feelings on it most of them hate i've attached a highly negative review and a grudging redemption from trip advisor as well as a picture of the creature so uh here we go is it just like a fancy looking lion i don't know show it to you and maybe you can see it oh that wow so yeah sort of a fancy yeah but there's a feature there that i did was expecting. Yeah, he's also a mermaid. Like, I don't know.

Y'all, that was the last thing I would have guessed. He's holding a cane. He has a top hat and a mustache. He has a mane, like a lion's mane, and is wearing a red blazer and a button-down shirt. And then wham, bam, it's a mermaid tail. Yeah. So. Wild.

Very large, very colorful. Yep um here is a negative review uh this is by aiden and the title is showcases the decline of western civilization oh one star having gotten the fright of my life one night at the start of the year after having a few lemonades at a local place of revelry thanks to this monstrosity i can safely say this insipid mediocrity this abomination this farcical attempt at art is the reason north korea hates the west and i suspect it is also the reason aliens refuse to speak to us a gargantuan symbol of everything wrong in the world and why some people shouldn't be allowed near money. End of review. I mean... I will say this is kind of... I understand the attitude of when you're...

Something frightens you. Like, I get really angry. And I feel like that's... I picture this person, like, bumping into it at night, seeing it drunk, and then just, like, hurling that whole monologue at it. Yeah, and, like, freaking out, like, what the... You're the reason North Korea wants to take us all down yeah and then they were like i'm clever enough where i need to share this with the world yeah i gotta write this shit down for

everyone else to share in yeah he looks around like anybody hear that my friends from the pub no here's our view it's a redemption do you care if i read them back to back okay this is by whiskey g and the title is our angel of the north five stars very okay these are both overreactions both extremes opposite sides of the coin yes it is a hilarious monstrosity yes it is loathed by the majority of the local community yes every member of the council who permitted it should be mentally assessed but my five-year-old loves it and i can't walk past without getting a photo five stars hey and a review which is very sweet so that's cute you know just lean into the positive i guess hey i'd go to that town to see it in person why not you know take a photo they want me it won me over that line my next one here is from Max, they, them.

These are reviews of Oasis Hot Tub Gardens. So it's a place where you go and chill in some hot tubs. That's fun. Which sounds pretty cool. It looks like it's in like Ann Arbor, Michigan area, somewhere in Michigan. It looks really cool. They have like different, different like indoor, outdoor hot tubs that you can like hang out in, which I think is fun. So here's a review, though.

This is by Jake. This is one. Sorry, two star. On our last visit, we listened to pornography being filmed in the tub adjacent to us. Just a fence wall between us and three men and one on cue, extremely vocal woman. It had to be obvious to the staff what the four of them went in together to do. They had to have carried an equipment.

Why we were put right next to them when most every other room was vacant is beyond me. I've had good experiences here over the years. I appreciate the maintenance and upkeep oasis does end of review i would no longer appreciate the upkeep and maintenance after hearing that i'd be like oh maybe i need to set higher standards for their cleaning practices yeah i'm not gonna read the whole response from the owner but the owner was like we had no idea thank you for bringing us to this to our attention.

Please call us so we can get more details. Because they were like, this is news to us. Holy shit, please. We are not this kind of place. They're like, well, at the very least, nobody paid to film on our property. If someone's going to shoot porn here, we got to at least get a cut or something. Exactly. And they also probably need a permit for that.

I would imagine. I would imagine you would. But also bold of this reviewer to assume they were filming it. Fair. You know what I mean? Fair. Maybe there's just something. That would have been a great owner response.

No, no. There was no cameras allowed. Silly goose. But whatever they do in the hot tub is their business. Silly goose. They weren't filming. But no, the owner was like, we try keep this very family-friendly place and safe for everybody this is not part of our whatever so um that's also like what a bold like four people porn scene

to be secretly filming not discreetly i was gonna say discreetly. I was going to say discreetly. Obviously, that was not the case. It didn't seem too discreet, yeah. But to be, wow. Listen, it looks like they got away with it. I mean, how do they, like, I feel like they have to have, like, camera. I mean, I don't know. This doesn't feel like, like, hanging out in a hot tub and paying to, like, hang out in a hot tub doesn't feel like a thing that's, like, should be private. And that needs to be private anyway so i'm surprised you didn't have like cameras or something like yeah at least like the ability

to see what's going on like for safety reasons or something yeah i mean i don't know yeah that's a good point i guess they didn't have but maybe not i don't know like the only i went to like a the bath like a bath house or whatever well no yeah but went to this, like, it's like a saltwater pool thing where you hang out in Portland at the McMinimins schoolhouse, whatever. Yeah, and it's, like, open, people, like, you know, there's someone working there and everything. And, like, you just, I don't know. It just seems weird that it's, private hot tub rooms instead of like. Yeah, but I guess then they would have to pay for a camera in every room. And that seems like.

I guess, but like. I mean, maybe now they have them. The fact that this happened is just so wild to me that this could happen. I know. I mean, that's probably why they didn't assume it would happen. They were like, no, nobody would do that. Really? I would be like, I'm not like, I'm surprised it really i would be like i'm not like i'm

surprised it happened but not that i'm not surprised someone tried to do it i'm surprised that it was managed to be so successful okay that's a fair point yeah also if you're just fucking buy a hot tub i don't know that's the other thing is like wasn't there a way for them to find a hot tub that wasn't at like a location? That wasn't in a public place in Kalamazoo, Michigan? I don't know. It just seems so bizarre. I feel like on Craigslist you could be seeking, I'll pay you 50 bucks to use your hot tub for a day. Yeah, go find an Airbnb nearby.

But I guess, well, they would have had to pay to go here too. Yeah, I don't know, Zannie. I wish I did. I wish you did too. don't know, Zannie. I wish I did. I wish you did, too. I actually wish I didn't. I don't want to know anything, but I wish you did. This is a three-star review. This is sent in by Lindsay.

It is a review of Pampered Chef. Do you remember what that is? Yeah, it's a multi-level marketing company that sells kitchen supplies. Literally everyone I know owns something from Pampered Chef. Is it because mom keeps giving it away to people? Maybe, but like, no, I like you go to people's houses like who are not. They all just everyone. I feel like everyone has something from Pampered Chef.

It's everywhere. I have a garlic press from there. I didn't. I don't have anything from there. I don't think I did. Actually, you might. I do. But it was there. I don't think. Maybe I did actually. You might. I do. But it was because mom was like supporting somebody.

She's not in MLM. And none of the people that I'm talking to. But like I'm sure like so many of my friends have just random things because everyone knows somebody. Or like you can probably buy all this stuff at like a thrift store or something. Oh, maybe that too. Things like that. So anyway. So here we go. Lindsay says says thanks for all the giggles my aunt just had a pampered chef party mlm alert and now she has 7400 to spend but only on pampered chef items oh no anywho

needless to say we are all browsing their site now to stock our kitchens okay interesting and i came upon this four-star review of the medium pizza stone so i thought it was a three star but i guess it's a four star i guess i can't see very well yeah it's a four star okay this is by linda from california and it says i have not used it yet been sick and my daughter came back home so it's been hectic around here it all came around christmas and then i've been, and she put all her stuff in the living room, and that's where my pampered chef was. Sad, so it's just been a mess, but I know I will love it. End of review. What?

What more explanation do you need, Alexander? I mean, I'm just glad they gave it four stars, despite whatever this experience is. She's been sick, and her daughter came came home and her daughter put all her stuff near the Pamper Chef and then she got sick again and it's been Christmas time. It's been really hectic, but I'm sure she'll love it when she finally gets to make a pizza. Were they like getting badgered to leave a review and they were like, fine,

I'll do it. That's what it sounds like. He's bothering them into the, yeah, it felt like, like, okay, like fine, I'll give it four stars.

Just leave me alone. Well, if anyone's going to bother somebody for something, I imagine MLM would do it. Absolutely. You're so right. So I wouldn't surprise me. Oh, my God. I wonder if whoever sold it to them was like, hey, don't forget to leave a review. Linda, Linda, do you like your pizza stone?

Tag me in the review. Gives me extra pamper points. Honestly, make a TikTok about it. I get so many pamper points honestly make a tiktok about it i get so many pamper points for that which also i'm pretty sure is what pampers diapers have like pamper points so you know that might already be taken but that's okay pamper's points for everyone pamper's points for everyone okay my next one uh this is a doozy this was sent in by lauren she her who uh had a bit of an ant problem and uh decided to which kind am i right pampered chef good one um ouch thank you how about you guess actually you don't i don't know

maybe by based on the product you might be able to tell which kind i'm not sure it's might be tough okay the tarot t300 liquid ant bait ant killer six bait stations which kind is it oh no okay um this one we have fun here we have fun here this one so this is a very popular this 3 3300 people found this review helpful oh

so it's it was one of those Amazon like ones that people you know it was a hit you'll see why five stars

this is by Diane it's ant war and I am winning I apparently don't live in a house. I live in a giant block of Swiss cheese. We've been battling an intermittent ant problem ever since we moved in. Yeah, well, that's why you're because you're living in a literal block of cheese. I can't believe it took you so long to notice that smell.

Yeah, bugs are going to be like the least of your worries, really. The first one we managed to combat with gap filler. One of your worries, really. The first one we managed to combat with gap filler, but I think there must have been an offshoot of that colony that moved and set up a shop underneath the edge of my carpet where it meets the kitchen tile. One morning I walked into my kitchen to find a full-on ant orgy in progress in front of my fridge.

It was downright Bacchanalian and scarred me for life. I'm glad my children weren't witness to such debauchery. Well, tell them about that hot tub place. Yeah true. There's a place they could go to. What kind of ant orgy do you think it is? Private room. Which ant?

Which kind? Which kind of ant? Maybe both? Maybe both. All of the above? To get at the same time? Listen, I'm not one to kink shame. Oh no.

I am if it involves ants, I'm sorry. Okay, yeah. The, the, the insect. The one without the U. Well if it is your own ant, okay never mind. Never mind, just let's move on. Okay, so I'm gonna go Okay. Yeah. The insect. The one without the U. Well, if it is your own. Okay.

Never mind. Never mind. Just let's move on. Let's pretend I didn't say anything. I'm going to be done with those jokes. Okay. I thought I found another gap where they might be getting in. So I plugged it with more expanding foam and the problem seemed to go away for a bit, but

they were just laying low, formulating their next plan of attack. Ant started trickling out from beneath the carpet edge again, only this time I was done with that namby-pamby gap filler. It was time to break out the big guns. I googled best ant bait. I got out my big gun. I just fucking shot him all.

I googled best ant bait, and the first thing it pulled up was this product page for the tarot, which is only one R short of terror. Co think not i only needed to read a few of the reviews and i was convinced i grabbed a box from a local hardware store sorry amazon even with prime shipping my problem was far too vexing to wait even one more hour set them all in the strategic rendezvous points and then i waited it took a hours. And then the purge began. I've used other ant baits before at limited success.

Most just don't do a very good job at attracting the critters. It's like they're hip to the raid jive. But the other reviews about this product do not lie. Never in my life have I seen the crack frenzy that soon began when literally hundreds of ants started pouring into these traps. I could see them writhing around in orgasmic euphoria. I could hear them laughing and clinking their glasses and making awkward late night sexual propositions with complete strangers.

It would be like if a giant chocolate cheesecake had fallen out of the sky right in front of me. I would probably act similar, rolling around in it, gorging myself silly, completely unaware that God decided to save himself the trouble of flooding the planet to wipe out the human vermin and instead decided to rain down poison disguised as dessert. Noah 2.0, I am not. Admittedly, I do feel a bit like God right now. It's been fun watching this microcosm of the apocalypse unfold with an aloof Mona Lisa grin on my face.

I am a terrible god, but I am benevolent. These creatures died thinking they were having the best day of their lives, and that's better than most of us get in this crazy world. Thank you, Taro. You are my number one choice for ant genocide. Update. 24 hours later, only a few stragglers remain. They're staggering around helplessly, their body undoubtedly full of their dead, poisoned comrades. The bait traps that were once full of ants are now empty. I don't care to imagine what happened to all of

them, but since I'm a writer, I probably will. I saw a few ants in my downstairs bathroom and set one of the traps in there. A few ants became a few hundred. More death throes are commencing. Look on my works, ye mighty, and and despair end of review yeah that was something huh i'm disturbed it was a lot i'm disturbed it was a lot i feel unwell

i also feel unwell i i yeah i'm not often speechless but oh my gosh oh my gosh i mean i saw the email subject was the war on ants slash ant orgies so how could you avoid it you simply couldn't it drew me in it's like a chocolate cheesecake falling from the sky drew you in yeah death throws there were a few word choices were um just a tad dramatic just just a tg minuscule bit tad maybe a tad i'm spiritually not great after that i think um it was such a visceral review of the floods of ants coming in i just i feel a little uneasy no yeah yeah you know no i get that um and now all these dead ants i'm just picturing all over

the place i should have kept it for last because i took it out of me yeah i i don't even know okay i'm just gonna move on okay okay so this one is from victoria she her who says i know you typically stay away from reviews that involve shelters or zoos because they're mostly sad and ridiculous honestly augsner after whatever you just read i feel like i have free to do whatever oh yeah okay great um so this is somewhere where she's worked a local no-kill shelter since she was 18 um and there's just some wild shit that happens here. So here's a review. This is a one-star review of Victoria's workplace.

It is by Eugene, a local guide. And it was written three years ago. One star. Sucks. Stinks of cats. Most dogs have square heads. End of review. What? This place full of cats. Most dogs have square heads. End of review. What?

This plays full square-headed dogs? I mean, that sounds like some sort of marvel. It sounds like a marvel to me. I believe that you stumbled upon quite a collection of dogs, if this is the case. Or you're playing two-inch Minecraft. Or that. But yeah. Square-headed dogs? What does that mean? this is the case or you're playing two inch minecraft or that but yeah uh so where headed

dogs what does that mean she even said it also has me wondering if this person ever actually learned their shapes and colors because if i saw any living thing with a whole ass square head i would run away in terror a google review would be my last thought uh and she says sorry she can't change the shape of the dog's heads um but anyway yeah yeah. You can't? Okay. I wasn't sure. Like, I couldn't, but I figured a professional would be able to. Well, that's upper level, you know. I don't think she's... Okay.

She's been there for years, but, you know, she's not that close to retirement yet. She's got a lot of training to do. Yeah. So anyway, that's just something weird. There you go. Dogs have square heads. I love it. Okay.

My last one this is from uh taryn who uh sent something a little different this was after the super bowl uh sent a uh a couple facebook comments about the super bowl halftime show rip this was on um taryn's local news's facebook page oh see this is where the so i have a negative and a redemption so um i already have a headache those who don't know uh the halftime show was awesome uh yeah no i thought it was great um it had a lot of people it had uh dr It had Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg. Snoop, D-O-double-G, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Mary J. Blige. 50 Cent. 50 Cent. He came down like a bat.

Kendrick Lamar. Surprised us all. Kendrick Lamar. Whatever. Okay. But yeah, it was whatever. Here is what Paul has to say about it. Okay.

Nobody asked you, paul but okay i'd rather listen to dr dre than any other doctor i've heard the last two years i take it back paul i did want to know i didn't want to know it's fucking like for my own entertainment i wanted to know that opinion of yours um that's the wildest shit i ever heard and you know how proud he is of that right like you know he posted that on all social media platforms if that weren't like i assume an anti-vax comment yeah and like covid like denial comment um i would find it hilarious but if i were dr dre i would put that on like that on my album. Some guy on the internet said, I would rather listen to this than any doctor in a two-year span.

Five stars. I hope you get a cut. That was a great suggestion. I'm his PR team. You should be. Wow. Are you his ghostwriter or something? Oh.

Okay, so. I'm Paul's ghostwriter. something? Okay, so... I'm Paul's ghostwriter. The next one is by William. Here's what William has to say, okay? Oh, fuck. Okay. No, this is a redemption. Oh, right.

There's positive. Okay. This is my last thing. I'm old. I got a bad hip. I can no longer hop. So hip hop is not my thing, but I do understand and respect the generation

that does enjoy it. I have the option to walk away or switch channels rather than degrade what other people like. If you liked it, I'm happy for you. If you didn't, well, the kindest word in all the world is the unkind word unsaid.

End of review. Did you get that last bit? Yeah. I've never heard that before. I'm going to cry again. Yeah. You put it in quotes. You keep doing this to me.

So I don't know what that's from. I didn't think of Facebook comment. Kindest word. Are you his ghostwriter? That's actually a Dr. Dre lyric. Oh my God. I don't know what this is from i don't even know i can't even find anything it says unknown it's from william it's from william wow william you're a gentleman you're a gentleman yeah it's anonymous isn't that a great quote i have a bad hip i can't

hop but i can change the channel. Yeah, exactly. I can be respectful of other people's interests. Don't yuck other people's yums. That's exact. Well, that depends on what their yum is. Depends on what kind of ant it is. If their yum is ant related, then maybe yuck it a little bit.

Yeah, then maybe back away at least. Maybe a little bit. Wow, that was really powerful stuff. Okay. What do I have next you tell me okay here's one this is by melinda it's not by melinda sorry it's from melinda she her uh sued and the i know and the the email just says i'm upset upset. Love y'all. Here's a review. I don't even know what it is. Like the product? Yeah, it's like a place because it's a Google review, but I don't know what it is.

It's a one star review by a local guide. Yes, I know. I said one star. I do not like the color yellow, so I always rate one star so that there is less of it on my screen. This is a positive review, not a bad review. I am rating one star to prevent yellow thank you so stupid and then whoever screenshoted this i don't know if it's uh melinda or not uh covered like for privacy much to this person's chagrin oh covered up their name and photo in yellow oh i do not like the color yellow so i always write

one star so there's less of it on my screen i've never heard of such a thing no because it's not a thing it's not a thing it's ridiculous really the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard so that's my last one well i guess i'll i'll read one more redemption something sure i'll read a redemption and on a good note no that's ridiculous I'll read a redemption. And on a good note. No, that's a ridiculous note. I can't say it'll be a good note. Okay. But it will be positive.

It's not good, but it's positive. Well, positive in the sense of multiple stars. Okay. So this one was sent in by Kaylee, she, her. And the title or the subject line said, Between You and Us, Wholesome? So. Okay. It will be positive. Okay. And it will be redeeming, and you're

welcome. Okay, it better be. So, Kaylee says, I just saw you in Philly. Aw. Thanks, Kaylee. I hope you had a good time. I don't. Okay. Alright, relax. I'll hope you had a good time. I don't. Okay. All right. Relax. I'll mute his microphone in a second.

So this is a five-star review by Susan, and it is of a mouth guard that you wear at night to prevent your teeth from grinding. And the title is, Important for Me During This Stressful Time. The instructions were good, and molding the guard was quite easy the first night i used it i woke up in the middle of a dream i realized i was chewing on the mouth guard and was afraid i'd misshapen it but it was fine makes sleeping easier and i'm not worried about cracking my 73 year old teeth with 2020 anguish oh for a few oh no good though yeah so you know that was positive susan uh had quite a nightmare she clearly suffers from some night terrors um but this this mouth guard

is strong enough to take the hit thank goodness yep that must have been terrible. And yeah, hopefully 2021 cut, but I don't know. Hopefully, hopefully. Yeah, this was written in 2020. Hopefully those teeth are doing okay. Hopefully that mouth guard has withstood another year and a half of that, of this nonsense. So anyway, that's all I got for you. Good stuff. And yes, as we predicted, the bonus was longer than this.

Oopsies. Well, that just means you need to pay us for more bonus content. That just means someone's going to complain. Oh, well. What? Whatever. This is already a bonus episode. We don't owe you people.

We don't owe you anything. We owe you literally everything. We owe you our lives. Okay. That got weird. Okay. Thanks, y'allall um again patreon.com slash beach to sandy instagram.com slash beach to sandy uh we'll see you paypal.com x teen cheaper just kidding i don't have any surprise content for you anywhere we just have um yeah that sounded weird what are you talking about go to only zandy.com for my only fans only fins only fins oh yeah oh okay i'm sorry i gotta go

i'm gonna go eat some skittles okay okay bye you